Holden 1

Bredee Holden
Beth Orozco
English 119
July 5, 2015
Home
I slam the screen shut behind me and it makes a pathetically small tin clatter as I
thunder into the backyard and then stop, still just a couple feet from the house. The sun is
setting but everything is all different shades of gray the clouds, the sky all rolling
around each other like its furious for me but in a wiser calmer way. Like Mom. Im so
angry and I shouldnt really be. I should have seen that coming, maybe laughed in his
face like I understood him so well and he wasnt affecting me at all. That wouldve really
pissed him off. Hes all about respect. I deserve RESPECT! he always yells. He sounds
like a broken record, honestly, and those are the moments that I really want to laugh but I
cant because that would really set him over the edge his daughter laughing in his face
because he said that she should respect him.
I can never shut up. I never ever can just leave it alone and let him say what he
wants about me. Its never true. He doesnt get me. He doesnt even try. Hes only
concerned with himself. Hes so selfish. Hes so self-righteous. He thinks that hes got it
all figured screaming bible verses out at me and telling me I need to repent and Im
sinning right after he slapped me across the face. He said that Jesus would understand
because I deserve it. The boys were crying in the corner of the living room, all huddled
together while Mom and Dad screamed at each other and Dad stood looming over me

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with his hand raised and his face red. The second blow didnt come this time. Hes an
idiot.
I pretend like all the stuff that hes saying is crap but its actually true. He sees
right through me sometimes and I swear the stuff he says makes me question whether
hes right or not about all the rest. Am I really that conniving? Do I plot like he says I do?
No of course not. Of course not! Im not crazy like he is, making up stuff in my brain,
thinking that everyone is against me. I dont lay awake at night thinking about how I can
get back at him for the tone that he used earlier in the day. Im not him. I dont like the
conflict, I dont. I dont run from it, though. When he starts I jump right in and I act like I
cant believe what Im hearing. But I can believe it. It happens all the time.
Hey.
Hey. You should go back inside.
She doesnt answer. My sister Callie mustve escaped through our window
because everyone got sent to bed for the night but its only like 6 in the evening. Mom
and Dad are still going at it inside, I can hear their muffled yelling through the thin walls
of the house.
Seriously, just go inside. Holy hell.
No, you acted like a total jerk. You egged him on. You act like such a victim but
you have no patience with him and you know it sets him off.
This time I didnt answer because she was right. I tried to pretend I was all
righteous anger but the truth was I was angry. I was bitter, too. All of this has gone on for
so long. You would think that his children wouldnt have to be the adults in the
relationship but we were. Im seventeen and while suffering in silence has never been my

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thing and I do fight back too much, Im always the first one to apologize. Im the one that
tries to avoid him to keep the peace. I dont walk around running my mouth to all my
friends about how emotionally and sometimes physically abusive he is. I dont go to
church and let everyone know what a hypocrite he is. I keep it hushed up because I have
pride, too, and hes my dad. I have that much loyalty, I guess.
Liz, lets go for a walk. You dont have to talk to me, even. She comes towards
me and looks at my face, I dont think youre gonna bruise much. Looks like you took it
on your jaw. Its still pretty red, though. She grabs my shoulders and turns me around so
that instead of staring at the rusty swing set with the broken swings and sun bleached
slide Im facing the dirt trail that goes around the right side house to the street. We begin
walking.
Whatever.
How come some people seem so close with their Dads? It just doesnt make
sense. Do they just get over the fighting really fast? My Dad does. He feels like we
shouldnt be mad anymore if weve had time to cool down. I really think he doesnt
understand why we dont want to be around him. Its crazy because his family, like his
sisters and stuff, they all think hes a saint and he spent all those years growing up with
them. Did he never go nuts on them in all that time? He does have a lot more to worry
about now but hes completely unstable. You dont just become that way overnight. They
really like to idealize people, though. They only talk about the things that are worthy of
making them proud. My cousin made a joke last time we were at my aunts house. She
said, Only perfect versions of yourselves here, please, then she smiled at me and
winked.

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People at church, too, have told me they cant even imagine him not smiling. That
one makes sensehes on his absolute best behavior there. What a joke. I said that to him
tonight. I said, What a joke.
He told me that I was a joke.
Callie and I walk side by side silently and I look straight forward as the street
darkens, not a lamp to be seen on this street.