American Humorous Short Strories

2015.04.11.
www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/10947/pg10947.html
ProjectGutenberg'sTheBestAmericanHumorousShortStories,byVarious
ThiseBookisfortheuseofanyoneanywhereatnocostandwithalmostnorestrictionswhatsoever.
Youmaycopyit,giveitawayorreuseitunderthetermsoftheProjectGutenbergLicenseincluded
withthiseBookoronlineatwww.gutenberg.net
Title:TheBestAmericanHumorousShortStories
Author:Various
ReleaseDate:February5,2004[EBook#10947]
Language:English
***STARTOFTHISPROJECTGUTENBERGEBOOKAMERICANHUMOR***
ProducedbyKeithM.EckrichandPGDistributedProofreaders
THEBESTAMERICANHUMOROUSSHORTSTORIES
EditedbyALEXANDERJESSUP,Editorof"RepresentativeAmericanShortStories,""TheBookof
theShortStory,"the"LittleFrenchMasterpieces"Series,etc.
INTRODUCTION
Thisvolumedoesnotaimtocontainall"thebestAmericanhumorousshortstories"therearemany
otherstoriesequallyasgood,Isuppose,inmuchthesamevein,scatteredthroughtherangeof
Americanliterature.Ihavetriedtokeepacertainunityofaimandimpressioninselectingthese
stories.InthefirstplaceIdeterminedthatthepiecesofbrieffictionwhichIincludedmustfirstofall
benotmerelygoodstories,butgoodshortstories.Iputmyselfinthepositionofonewhowasabout
toselectthebestshortstoriesinthewholerangeofAmericanliterature,[1]butwho,justbeforehe
startedtodothis,wasnotifiedthathemustrefrainfromselectinganyofthebestAmericanshort
storiesthatdidnotcontaintheelementofhumortoamarkeddegree.ButIhavekeptinmindthewide
boundariesofthetermhumor,andalsothefactthatthehumorousstandardshouldbekeptsecond
althoughaclosesecondtotheshortstorystandard.
Inviewofthenecessarylimitationsastothevolume'ssize,Icouldnothopetorepresentallperiodsof
Americanliteratureadequately,norwasthisnecessaryinordertogiveexamplesofthebestthathas
beendoneintheshortstoryinahumorousveininAmericanliterature.Probablyalltypesoftheshort
storyofhumorareincludedhere,atanyrate.Notonlycopyrightrestrictionsbutinameasuremyown
opinionhavecombinedtoexcludeanythingbyJoelChandlerHarrisUncleRemusfromthe
collection.Harrisisprimarilyinhisbestworkahumorist,andonlysecondarilyashortstory
writer.Asahumoristheisofthefirstrankasawriterofshortstorieshisplaceishardlysohigh.His
http://www.gutenberg.org/cache/epub/10947/pg10947.html
1/170
2015.04.11.
humorisnotmerefunninessanddiversionheisahumoristinthefundamentalandlargesense,asare
Cervantes,Rabelais,andMarkTwain.
Nobookisdullerthanabookofjokes,forwhatisrefreshinginsmalldosesbecomesnauseatingwhen
perusedinlargeassignments.Humorinliteratureisatitsbestnotwhenservedmerelybyitselfbut
whenpresentedalongwithotheringredientsofliteraryforceinordertogiveawiderepresentationof
life.Therefore"professionalliteraryhumorists,"astheymaybecalled,havenotbeenmuch
consideredinmakingupthiscollection.InthehistoryofAmericanhumortherearethreenames
whichstandoutmoreprominentlythanallothersbeforeMarkTwain,who,however,alsobelongsto
awiderclassification:"JoshBillings"(HenryWheelerShaw,18151885),"PetroleumV.Nasby"
(DavidRossLocke,18331888),and"ArtemusWard"(CharlesFarrarBrowne,18341867).Inthe
historyofAmericanhumorthesenamesrankhighinthefieldofAmericanliteratureandthe
Americanshortstorytheydonotranksohigh.Ihavefoundnothingoftheirsthatwasfirstclassboth
ashumorandasshortstory.PerhapsjustbelowthesethreeshouldbementionedGeorgeHoratio
Derby(18231861),authorofPhoenixiana(1855)andtheSquibobPapers(1859),whowroteunder
thename"JohnPhoenix."Ashasbeenjustlysaid,"Derby,Shaw,LockeandBrownecarriedtoan
extremenumeroustricksalreadyinventedbyearlierAmericanhumorists,particularlythetricksof
giganticexaggerationandcalmfacedmendacity,buttheyareplainlyinthemainchannelof
Americanhumor,whichhaditsorigininthefirstcommentsofsettlersupontheconditionsofthe
frontier,longdrewitsprincipalinspirationfromthedifferencesbetweenthatfrontierandthemore
settledandcompactregionsofthecountry,andreacheditshighestdevelopmentinMarkTwain,inhis
youthachildoftheAmericanfrontier,admirerandimitatorofDerbyandBrowne,andeventuallya
manoftheworldandoneofitsgreatesthumorists."[2]Norhavesuchlaterwriterswhowere
essentiallyhumoristsas"BillNye"(EdgarWilsonNye,18501896)beenconsidered,becausetheir
workdoesnotattaintheliterarystandardandtheshortstorystandardascreditablyasitdoesthe
humorousone.Whenwecometothecloseofthenineteenthcenturytheworkofsuchmenas"Mr.
Dooley"(FinleyPeterDunne,1867)andGeorgeAde(1866)standsout.Butwhilethesetwo
writerssuccessfullyconformtotheexactingcriticalrequirementsofgoodhumorandespeciallythe
formerofgoodliterature,neitherthoughAdemoresoattainstothegreatestexcellenceofthe
shortstory.Mr.DooleyoftheArcheyRoadisessentiallyawholesomeandwidepoisedhumorous
philosopher,andtheauthorofFablesinSlangischieflyasatirist,whetherinfable,playorwhatnot.
ThisvolumemightwellhavestartedwithsomethingbyWashingtonIrving,Isupposemanycritics
wouldsay.Itdoesnotseemtome,however,thatIrving'sbestshortstories,suchasTheLegendof
SleepyHollowandRipVanWinkle,areessentiallyhumorousstories,althoughtheyareo'erspread
withthegeniallightofreminiscence.Itisthearmchairgenialityoftheeighteenthcenturyessayists,a
constituentoftheauthorratherthanofhismaterialandproduct.Irving'sbesthumorouscreations,
indeed,arescarcelyshortstoriesatall,butratheressaylikesketches,orsketchlikeessays.James
Lawson(17991880)inhisTalesandSketches:byaCosmopolite(1830),notablyinTheDapper
Gentleman'sStory,isalsoplainlyafollowerofIrving.Wecometoadifferentveinintheworkof
suchwritersasWilliamTappanThompson(18121882),authoroftheamusingstoriesinletterform,
MajorJones'sCourtship(1840)JohnsonJonesHooper(18151862),authorofWidowRugby's
Husband,andOtherTalesofAlabama(1851)JosephG.Baldwin(18151864),whowroteTheFlush
TimesofAlabamaandMississippi(1853)andAugustusBaldwinLongstreet(17901870),whose
GeorgiaScenes(1835)areasimportantin"localcolor"astheyareracyinhumor.Yetnoneofthese
writersyieldtheexcellentshortstorywhichisalsoagoodpieceofhumorousliterature.Butthey
openedthewayfortheworkoflaterwriterswhodidattainthesecombinedexcellences.
ThesentimentalveinofthemidcenturyisseenintheworkofSebaSmith(17921868),ElizaLeslie
(17871858),FrancesMiriamWhitcher("WidowBedott,"18111852),MaryW.Janvrin(18301870),
andAliceBradleyHavenNeal(18281863).ThewellknownworkofJosephClayNeal(18071847)
issoallpervadedwithcaricatureandhumorthatitbelongswiththeworkoftheprofessionalhumorist
schoolratherthanwiththeshortstorywriters.TomentionhisCharcoalSketches,orScenesina
Metropolis(18371849)mustsuffice.TheworkofSebaSmithissufficientlyexpressedinhistitle,
2/170
2015.04.11.
WayDownEast,orPortraituresofYankeeLife(1854),althoughhisLettersofMajorJackDowning
(1833)isbetterknown.OfhissinglestoriesmaybementionedTheGeneralCourtandJaneAndrews'
FirkinofButter(October,1847,Graham'sMagazine).TheworkofFrancesMiriamWhitcher
("WidowBedott")isofsomewhatfinergrain,bothashumorandinotherliteraryqualities.Herstories
orsketches,suchasAuntMagwire'sAccountofParsonScrantum'sDonationParty(March,1848,
Godey'sLady'sBook)andAuntMagwire'sAccountoftheMissiontoMuffletegawmy(July,1859,
Godey's),wereafterwardscollectedinTheWidowBedottPapers(18555680).Thescopeofthe
workofMaryB.Havenissufficientlysuggestedbyherstory,Mrs.Bowen'sParlorandSpare
Bedroom(February,1860,Godey's),whilethebeststoriesofMaryW.JanvrinincludeTheForeign
Countor,HighArtinTattletown(October,1860,Godey's)andCityRelationsor,theNewmans'
SummeratClovernook(November,1861,Godey's).TheworkofAliceBradleyHavenNealisof
somewhatsimilartexture.Herbook,TheGossipsofRivertown,withSketchesinProseandVerse
(1850)indicatesherfield,asdoesthesingletitle,TheThirdClassHotel(December,1861,Godey's).
PerhapsthemostrepresentativefigureofthisschoolisElizaLeslie(17871858),whoas"Miss
Leslie"wasoneofthemostfrequentcontributorstothemagazinesofthe1830's,1840'sand1850's.
OneofherbeststoriesisTheWatkinsonEvening(December,1846,Godey'sLady'sBook),includedin
thepresentvolumeothersareTheBatsonCottage(November,1846,Godey'sLady'sBook)andJuliet
Irwinor,theCarriagePeople(June,1847,Godey'sLady'sBook).Oneofherchiefcollectionsof
storiesisPencilSketches(18331837)."MissLeslie,"wroteEdgarAllanPoe,"iscelebratedforthe
homelynaturalnessofherstoriesandforthebroadsatireofhercomicstyle."Shewastheeditorof
TheGiftoneofthebestannualsofthetime,andinthatpositionperhapsexertedherchiefinfluenceon
AmericanliteratureWhenonehasreadthreeorfourrepresentativestoriesbythesesevenauthorsone
cangraspthemall.Theirtitlesasarulestrikethekeynote.Thesewriters,except"theWidowBedott,"
areperhapssentimentalistsratherthanhumoristsinintention,butreadinthelightoflaterdaystheir
apparentseriousdelineationsofthefrolicsandfoiblesoftheirtimetakeonahighlyhumorousaspect.
GeorgePopeMorris(18021864)wasoneofthefoundersofTheNewYorkMirror,andforatimeits
editor.Heisbestknownastheauthorofthepoem,Woodman,SpareThatTree,andotherpoemsand
songs.TheLittleFrenchmanandHisWaterLots(1839),thefirststoryinthepresentvolume,is
selectednotbecauseMorriswasespeciallyprominentinthefieldoftheshortstoryorhumorousprose
butbecauseofthissinglestory'srepresentativecharacter.EdgarAllanPoe(18091849)followswith
TheAngeloftheOdd(October,1844,ColumbianMagazine),perhapsthebestofhishumorous
stories.TheSystemofDr.TarrandProf.Fether(November,1845,Graham'sMagazine)mayberated
higher,butitisnotessentiallyahumorousstory.Ratheritisincisivesatire,withtoobitingan
undercurrenttopassmusterinthecompanyofthegenialinliterature.Poe'shumorousstoriesasa
wholehavetendedtobelittleratherthanincreasehisfame,manyofthemvergingontheinane.There
aresome,however,whichareatleastexcellentfoolingfewmorethanthat.
ProbablythisishardlytheplaceforanextendeddiscussionofPoe,sincethepresentvolumecovers
neitherAmericanliteratureasawholenortheAmericanshortstoryingeneral,andPoeisnota
humoristinhismorenotableproductions.LetitbesaidthatPoeinventedorperfectedmoreexactly,
perfectedhisowninventionofthemodernshortstorythatishisgeneralandsupremeachievement.
Healsostandssuperlativeforthequalityofthreevarietiesofshortstories,thoseofterror,beautyand
ratiocination.InthefirstclassbelongADescentintotheMaelstrom(1841),ThePitandthePendulum
(1842),TheBlackCat(1843),andTheCaskofAmontillado(1846).Intherealmofbeautyhisnotable
productionsareTheAssignation(1834),Shadow:aParable(1835),Ligeia(1838),TheFallofthe
HouseofUsher(1839),Eleonora(1841),andTheMasqueoftheRedDeath(1842).Thetalesof
ratiocinationwhatarenowgenerallytermeddetectivestoriesincludeTheMurdersintheRue
Morgue(1841)anditssequel,TheMysteryofMarieRogt(18421843),TheGoldBug(1843),The
OblongBox(1844),"ThouArttheMan"(1844),andThePurloinedLetter(1844).
Then,too,Poewasamasterofstyle,oneofthegreatestinEnglishprose,possiblythegreatestsince
DeQuincey,andquitethemostremarkableamongAmericanauthors.Poe'sinfluenceontheshort
storyformhasbeentremendous.Althoughtheeffectsofstructuremaybeastoundingintheirpoweror
3/170
2015.04.11.
unexpectedness,yetthemeansbywhichtheseeffectsarebroughtaboutarepurelymechanical.Any
studentoffictioncancomprehendthem,almostanypractitioneroffictionwithabenttowardform
canfairlymasterthem.Themeritofanyshortstoryproductiondependsonmanyotherelementsas
wellthevalueofthestructuralelementtotheproductionasawholedependsfirstontheselectionof
theparticularsortofstructuralschemebestsuitedtothestoryinhand,andsecondly,onthewayin
whichthisiscombinedwiththepieceofwritingtoformawellbalancedwhole.Styleismoredifficult
toimitatethanstructure,butontheotherhandtheoriginofstructuralinfluenceismoredifficultto
tracethanthatofstyle.Sowhile,inageneralway,wefeelthatPoe'sinfluenceonstructureinthe
shortstoryhasbeengreat,itisdifficultratherthanobvioustotraceparticularinstances.Itisfeltinthe
advanceofthegenerallevelofshortstoryart.Thereisnothingpersonalaboutstructurethereis
everythingpersonalaboutstyle.Poe'sstyleisbothtoomuchhisownandtoosuperlativelygoodtobe
successfullyimitatedwhomhavewehadwho,evenifhewereamasterofstructuraleffects,could
beasecondPoe?Lookingatthematterinanotherway,Poe'sstyleisnothisownatall.Thereis
nothing"personal"aboutitinthepettysenseofthatterm.Ratherwefeelthat,inthecaseofthis
author,universalityhasbeenattained.ItwasPoe'sgoodfortunetobehimselfinstyle,asoftenin
content,onaplaneofuniversalappeal.Butinsomegeneralcharacteristicsofhisstylehisworkcan
be,notperhapsimitated,butemulated.Greatervividness,deftimpressionism,brevitythatstrikes
instantlytoatellingeffectalltheseanauthormayhavewithoutimitatinganyone'sstylebutrather
imitatingexcellence.Poe's"imitators"whohaveamountedtoanythinghavenottriedtoimitatehim
buttoviewithhim.Theyarestrivingafterperfectionism.Ofcoursethesortofgoodstyleinwhich
Poeindulgedisnotthekindofstyleorthevarietiesofstylesuitedforallpurposes,butforthe
purposestowhichitisadapteditmaywellbecalledsupreme.
Thenasapoethisworkisalmostorquiteasexcellentinasomewhatmorerestrictedrange.Inverse
heisprobablythebestartistinAmericanletters.Herehissolepursuitwasbeauty,bothofformand
thoughtheisvividandapt,intenselylyricalbutwithoutmuchrangeofthought.Hehasdeep
intuitionsbutnocomprehensivegraspoflife.
Hiscriticismis,onthewhole,theleastimportantpartofhiswork.Hehadafewgoodandbrilliant
ideaswhichcameatjusttherighttimetomakeastirintheworld,andthesehislogicalmindand
tellingstyleenabledhimtopresenttothebestadvantage.Asacriticheisneitherbroadminded,
learned,norcomprehensive.Norishe,exceptinthefewideasreferredto,deep.Heis,however,
limitedlyoriginalperhapsintenselyoriginalwithinhisnarrowscope.Buttheexcellencesand
limitationsofPoeinanyonepartofhisworkwerehislimitationsandexcellencesinall.
AsPoe'sbestshortstoriesmaybementioned:Metzengerstein(Jan.14,1832,PhiladelphiaSaturday
Courier),Ms.FoundinaBottle(October19,1833,BaltimoreSaturdayVisiter),TheAssignation
(January,1834,Godey'sLady'sBook),Berenice(March,1835,SouthernLiteraryMessenger),
Morella(April,1835,SouthernLiteraryMessenger),TheUnparalleledAdventureofOneHansPfaall
(June,1835,SouthernLiteraryMessenger),KingPest:aTaleContaininganAllegory(September,
1835,SouthernLiteraryMessenger),Shadow:aParable(September,1835,SouthernLiterary
Messenger),Ligeia(September,1838,AmericanMuseum),TheFalloftheHouseofUsher
(September,1839,Burton'sGentleman'sMagazine),WilliamWilson(1839:Giftfor1840),The
ConversationofEirosandCharmion(December,1839,Burton'sGentleman'sMagazine),The
MurdersintheRueMorgue(April,1841,Graham'sMagazine),ADescentintotheMaelstrom(May,
1841,Graham'sMagazine),Eleonora(1841:Giftfor1842),TheMasqueoftheRedDeath(May,
1842,Graham'sMagazine),ThePitandthePendulum(1842:Giftfor1843),TheTellTaleHeart
(January,1843,Pioneer),TheGoldBug(June21and28,1843,DollarNewspaper),TheBlackCat
(August19,1843,UnitedStatesSaturdayPost),TheOblongBox(September,1844,Godey'sLady's
Book),TheAngeloftheOdd(October,1844,ColumbianMagazine),"ThouArttheMan"(November,
1844,Godey'sLady'sBook),ThePurloinedLetter(1844:Giftfor1845),TheImpofthePerverse
(July,1845,Graham'sMagazine),TheSystemofDr.TarrandProf.Fether(November,1845,
Graham'sMagazine),TheFactsintheCaseofM.Valdemar(December,1845,AmericanWhig
Review),TheCaskofAmontillado(November,1846,Godey'sLady'sBook),andLander'sCottage
4/170
2015.04.11.
(June9,1849,FlagofOurUnion).Poe'schiefcollectionsare:TalesoftheGrotesqueandArabesque
(1840),Tales(1845),andTheWorksoftheLateEdgarAllanPoe(185056).Thesetitleshavebeen
droppedfromrecenteditionsofhisworks,however,andthestoriesbroughttogetherunderthetitle
Tales,orundersubdivisionsfurnishedbyhiseditors,suchasTalesofRatiocination,etc.
CarolineMatildaStansburyKirkland(18011864)wroteofthefrontierlifeoftheMiddleWestinthe
midnineteenthcentury.HerprincipalcollectionofshortstoriesisWesternClearings(1845),from
whichTheSchoolmaster'sProgress,firstpublishedinTheGiftfor1845(outin1844),istaken.Other
storiesrepublishedinthatcollectionareTheBallatThram'sHuddle(April,1840,Knickerbocker
Magazine),RecollectionsoftheLandFever(September,1840,KnickerbockerMagazine),andThe
BeeTree(TheGiftfor1842outin1841).Herdescriptionofthecountryschoolmaster,"apuppetcut
outofshingleandjerkedbyastring,"andthelocalcoloringeneralofthisandotherstoriesgivehera
leadingplaceamongthewritersofherperiodwhocombinedfidelityindelineatingfrontierlifewith
sufficientfictionalinteresttomakeapleasingwholeofpermanentvalue.
GeorgeWilliamCurtis(18241892)gainedhischieffameasanessayist,andprobablybecamebest
knownfromthedepartmentwhichheconducted,from1853,asTheEditor'sEasyChairforHarper's
Magazineformanyyears.Hisvolume,PrueandI(1856),containsmanyfictionalelements,anda
storyfromit,Titbottom'sSpectacles,whichfirstappearedinPutnam'sMonthlyforDecember,1854,
isgiveninthisvolumebecauseitisagoodhumorousshortstoryratherthanbecauseofitsauthor's
generaleminenceinthisfield.OtherstoriesofhisworthnotingareTheShroudedPortrait(inThe
KnickerbockerGallery,1855)andTheMillenialClub(November,1858,KnickerbockerMagazine).
EdwardEverettHale(18221909)ischieflyknownastheauthoroftheshortstory,TheManWithout
aCountry(December,1863,AtlanticMonthly),buthisventureinthecomicvein,MyDoubleand
HowHeUndidMe(September,1859,AtlanticMonthly),isequallyworthyofappreciation.Itwashis
firstpublishedstoryofimportance.Othernoteworthystoriesofhisare:TheBrickMoon(October,
NovemberandDecember,1869,AtlanticMonthly),LifeintheBrickMoon(February,1870,Atlantic
Monthly),andSusan'sEscort(May,1890,Harper'sMagazine).Hischiefvolumesofshortstoriesare:
TheManWithoutaCountry,andOtherTales(1868)TheBrickMoon,andOtherStories(1873)
CrusoeinNewYork,andOtherTales(1880)andSusan'sEscort,andOthers(1897).Thestoriesby
Halewhichhavemadehisfameallshowabilityofnomeanorderbuttheyarecharacterizedby
inventionandingenuityratherthanbysuffusingimagination.Thereisnotmuchhomogeneityabout
Hale'swork.Almostanytwostoriesofhisreadasiftheymighthavebeenwrittenbydifferent
authors.Forthetimebeingperhapsthisisanadvantagehisstoriescharmbytheirnoveltyand
individuality.Inthelongrun,however,thisprovesratherahandicap.Trueindividuality,inliterature
asintheotherarts,consistsnotin"beingdifferent"ondifferentoccasionsindifferentworksso
muchasinbeingsamelydifferentfromotherwritersinbeingconsistentlyone'sself,ratherthan
diffusedlyvariousselves.Thisdoesnotlessenthevalueofparticularstories,ofcourse.Itmerely
injuresHale'sfameasawhole.Perhapssomewillchieflyfeelnotsomuchthathisstoriesare
differentamongthemselves,butthattheyarenotstronglyanythinganybody'sinparticular,that
theylackstrongpersonality.Thepathwaytofameisstrewnwithstrayexhibitionsoftalent.Apart
fromhispurelyliteraryproductions,Halewasoneofthelargemoralforcesofhistime,through
"uplift"bothinspeechandthewrittenword.
OliverWendellHolmes(18091894),oneoftheleadingwitsofAmericanliterature,isnotatallwell
knownasashortstorywriter,nordidhewritemanybriefpiecesoffiction.Hisfamerestschieflyon
hispoemsandontheBreakfastTablebooks(1858186018721890).OldIronsides,TheLastLeaf,
TheChamberedNautilusandHomesickinHeavenaresecureofplacesintheanthologiesofthe
future,whilehislighterversehasmadehimoneoftheleadingAmericanwritersof"familiarverse."
FrederickLockerLampsonintheprefacetothefirsteditionofhisLyraElegantiarum(1867)declared
thatHolmeswas"perhapsthebestlivingwriterofthisspeciesofverse."Histrenchantattackon
HomeopathyandItsKindredDelusions(1842)makesuswonderwhatwouldhavebeenhisattitude
towardsomeofthebeliefsofourowndayChristianScience,forexample.Hemighthave"exposed"
5/170
2015.04.11.
itundersomesuchtitleasTheReligioMedicalMasquerade,orbroughtthebatteriesofhishumorto
bearonitinthemannerofRobertLouisStevenson'sfable,SomethingInIt:"Perhapsthereisnot
muchinit,asIsupposedbutthereissomethinginitafterall.Letmebethankfulforthat."InHolmes'
longworksoffiction,ElsieVenner(1861),TheGuardianAngel(1867)andAMortalAntipathy
(1885),themethodisstillsomewhatthatoftheessayist.Ihavefoundashortpieceoffictionbyhim
intheMarch,1832,numberofTheNewEnglandMagazine,calledTheDbut,signedO.W.H.The
StoryofIrisinTheProfessorattheBreakfastTable,whichraninTheAtlanticthroughout1859,and
AVisittotheAsylumforAgedandDecayedPunsters(January,1861,Atlantic)arehisonlyotherbrief
fictionsofwhichIamaware.Thelastnamedhasbeengivenplaceinthepresentselectionbecauseit
ischaracteristicofacertaintypeandperiodofAmericanhumor,althoughitsshortstoryqualitiesare
notparticularlystrong.
SamuelLanghorneClemens(18351910),whoachievedfameas"MarkTwain,"isonlyincidentallya
shortstorywriter,althoughhewrotemanyshortpiecesoffiction.Hishumorousquality,Imean,isso
preponderant,thatonehardlythinksoftheform.Indeed,heisneververystronginfictional
construction,andofthemodernshortstoryartheevidentlykneworcaredlittle.Heisahumoristin
thelargesense,asareRabelaisandCervantes,althoughheisalsoahumoristinvariousrestricted
applicationsofthewordthatarewhollyAmerican.TheCelebratedJumpingFrogofCalaveras
Countywashisfirstpublicationofimportance,anditsawthelightintheNov.18,1865,numberof
TheSaturdayPress.Itwasrepublishedinthecollection,TheCelebratedJumpingFrogofCalaveras
County,andOtherSketches,in1867.Othersofhisbestpiecesofshortfictionare:TheCanvasser's
Tale(December,1876,AtlanticMonthly),The1,000,000BankNote(January,1893,Century
Magazine),TheEsquimauMaiden'sRomance(November,1893,Cosmopolitan),Travelingwitha
Reformer(December,1893,Cosmopolitan),TheManThatCorruptedHadleyburg(December,1899,
Harper's),ADoubleBarrelledDetectiveStory(JanuaryandFebruary,1902,Harper's)ADog'sTale
(December,1903,Harper's),andEve'sDiary(December,1905,Harper's).AmongTwain'schief
collectionsofshortstoriesare:TheCelebratedJumpingFrogofCalaverasCounty,andOther
Sketches(1867)TheStolenWhiteElephant(1882),The1,000,000BankNote(1893),andTheMan
ThatCorruptedHadleyburg,andOtherStoriesandSketches(1900).
HarryStillwellEdwards(1855),anativeofGeorgia,togetherwithSarahBarnwellElliott(?)and
WillN.Harben(18581919)havecontinuedintheveinofthatearlierwriter,AugustusBaldwin
Longstreet(17901870),authorofGeorgiaScenes(1835).Edwards'bestworkistobefoundinhis
shortstoriesofblackandwhitelifeafterthemannerofRichardMalcolmJohnston.Hehaswritten
severalnovels,butheisessentiallyawriterofhumannaturesketches."Heishumorousand
picturesque,"saysFredLewisPattee,"andoftenheisforamomentthemasterofpathos,buthehas
addednothingnewandnothingcommandinglydistinctive."[3]Anexceptiontothismightbemadein
favorofElderBrown'sBackslide(August,1885,Harper's),astoryinwhichalltheelementsareso
nicelybalancedthattheresultmaywellbecalledamasterpieceofobjectivehumorandpathos.Others
ofhisshortstoriesespeciallyworthyofmentionare:TwoRunaways(July,1886,Century),Sister
Todhunter'sHeart(July,1887,Century),"DeValleyan'deShadder"(January,1888,Century),An
Idylof"Sinkin'Mount'in"(October,1888,Century),TheRivalSouls(March,1889,Century),The
WoodhavenGoat(March,1899,Century),andTheShadow(December,1906,Century).Hischief
collectionsareTwoRunaways,andOtherStories(1889)andHisDefense,andOtherStories(1898).
Themostnotable,however,ofthegroupofshortstorywritersofGeorgialifeisperhapsRichard
MalcolmJohnston(18221898).HestandsbetweenLongstreetandtheyoungerwritersofGeorgia
life.Hisfirstbookwas_GeorgiaSketches,byanOldMan(1864).TheGoosePondSchool,ashort
story,hadbeenwrittenin1857itwasnotpublished,however,tillitappearedintheNovemberand
December,1869,numbersofaSouthernmagazine,TheNewEclectic,overthepseudonym"Philemon
Perch."HisfamousDukesboroughTales(18711874)waslargelyarepublicationoftheearlierbook.
Othernoteworthycollectionsofhisare:Mr.AbsalomBillingsleaandOtherGeorgiaFolk(1888),Mr.
Fortner'sMaritalClaims,andOtherStories(1892),andOldTimesinMiddleGeorgia(1897).
Amongindividualstoriesstandout:TheOrganGrinder(July,1870,NewEclectic),Mr.Neelus
6/170
2015.04.11.
Peeler'sConditions(June,1879,Scribner'sMonthly),TheBriefEmbarrassmentofMr.IversonBlount
(September,1884,Century)TheHotelExperienceofMr.PinkFluker(June,1886,Century),
republishedinthepresentcollectionTheWimpyAdoptions(February,1887,Century),The
ExperimentsofMissSallyCash(September,1888,Century),andOurWitch(March,1897,Century).
JohnstonmustberankedalmostwithBretHarteasapioneerin"localcolor"work,althoughhiswork
hadlittlerecognitionuntilhisDukesboroughTaleswererepublishedbyHarper&Brothersin1883.
BretHarte(18391902)ismentionedhereowingtothelatedateofhisstoryincludedinthisvolume,
ColonelStarbottleforthePlaintiff(March,1901,Harper's),althoughhisworkasawholeofcourse
belongstoanearlierperiodofourliterature.ItisnowwellthumbedliteraryhistorythatTheLuckof
RoaringCamp(August,1868,Overland)andTheOutcastsofPokerFlat(January,1869,Overland)
broughthimapopularitythat,initssuddennessandextent,hadnoprecedentinAmericanliterature
saveinthecaseofMrs.StoweandUncleTom'sCabin.AccordingtoHarte'sownstatement,madein
theretrospectoflateryears,hesetoutdeliberatelytoaddanewprovincetoAmericanliterature.
Althoughhisworkhasbeenbelittledbecausehehaschosenexceptionalandtheatrichappenings,yet
hisrealstrengthcamefromhiscontactwithWesternlife.
IrvingandDickensandothermodelsservedonlytoteachhimhisart."Finally,"saysProf.Pattee,
"Hartewastheparentofthemodernformoftheshortstory.ItwashewhostartedKiplingandCable
andThomasNelsonPage.Fewindeedhavesurpassedhiminthemechanicsofthismostdifficultof
arts.Accordingtohisownbelief,theformisanAmericanproductHartehasdescribedthegenesis
ofhisownart.ItsprangfromtheWesternhumorandwasdevelopedbythecircumstancesthat
surroundedhim.Manyofhisshortstoriesaremodels.Theycontainnotasuperfluousword,they
handleasingleincidentwithgrapicpower,theyclosewithoutmoralorcomment.Theformcameasa
naturalevolutionfromhislimitationsandpowers.Withhimthestorymustofnecessitybebrief.
BretHartewastheartistofimpulse,thepainterofsingleburningmoments,theflashlight
photographerwhocaughtinluriddetailonedramaticepisodeinthelifeofamanoracommunityand
lefttherestindarkness."[4]
Harte'shumorismostly"Westernhumor"Thereisnotalwaysuproariousmerriment,butthereisa
constantbackgroundofhumor.IknowofnomoreamusingsceneinAmericanliteraturethanthatin
thecourtroomwhentheColonelgiveshisversionofthedeacon'smethodofsignalingtothewidowin
Harte'sstoryincludedinthepresentvolume,ColonelStarbottleforthePlaintiff.Hereispartofit:
"Truetotheinstructionsshehadreceivedfromhim,herlipspartinthemusicalutterance(theColonel
loweredhisvoiceinafaintfalsetto,presumablyinfondimitationofhisfairclient)Kerree!'Instantly
thenightbecomesresonantwiththeimpassionedreply(theColonelhereliftedhisvoiceinstentorian
tones),Kerrow!'Again,ashepasses,risesthesoftKerree!'again,ashisformislostinthedistance,
comesbackthedeepKerrow!'"
WhileHarte'sstoriesallhaveinthemacertainelementorbackgroundofhumor,yetperhapsthe
majorityofthemarechieflyromanticordramaticevenmorethantheyarehumorous.
Amongthebestofhisshortstoriesmaybementioned:TheLuckofRoaringCamp(August,1868,
Overland),TheOutcastsofPokerFlat(January,1869,Overland),Tennessee'sPartner(October,
1869,Overland),BrownofCalaveras(March,1870,Overland),Flip:aCaliforniaRomance(inFlip,
andOtherStories,1882),LeftOutonLoneStarMountain(January,1884,Longman's),AnIngenueof
theSierras(July,1894,McClure's),TheBellRingerofAngel's(inTheBellRingerofAngel's,and
OtherStories,1894),ChuChu(inTheBellRingerofAngel's,andOtherStories,1894),TheManand
theMountain(inTheAncestorsofPeterAtherly,andOtherTales,1897),SalomyJane'sKiss(in
StoriesinLightandShadow,1898),TheYoungestMissPiper(February,1900,Leslie'sMonthly),
ColonelStarbottleforthePlaintiff(March,1901,Harper's),AMercuryoftheFoothills(July,1901,
Cosmopolitan),LantyFoster'sMistake(December,1901,NewEngland),AnAliBabaoftheSierras
(January4,1902,SaturdayEveningPost),andDickBoyle'sBusinessCard(inTrent'sTrust,and
OtherStories,1903).Amonghisnotablecollectionsofstoriesare:TheLuckofRoaringCamp,and
7/170
2015.04.11.
OtherSketches(1870),Flip,andOtherStories(1882),OntheFrontier(1884),ColonelStarbottle's
Client,andSomeOtherPeople(1892),AProtgofJackHamlin's,andOtherStories(1894),The
BellRingerofAngel's,andOtherStories(1894),TheAncestorsofPeterAtherly,andOtherTales
(1897),OpeningsintheOldTrail(1902),andTrent'sTrust,andOtherStories(1903).Thetitlesand
makeupofseveralofhiscollectionswerechangedwhentheycametobearrangedinthecomplete
editionofhisworks.[5]
HenryCuylerBunner(18551896)isoneofthehumorousgeniusesofAmericanliterature.Heis
equallyathomeincleververseorthebriefshortstory.Prof.FredLewisPatteehassummeduphis
achievementasfollows:"Another[thanStockton]whodidmuchtoadvancetheshortstorytowardthe
mechanicalperfectionithadattainedtoatthecloseofthecenturywasHenryCuylerBunner,editorof
Puckandcreatorofsomeofthemostexquisiteversdesocitoftheperiod.Thetitleofoneofhis
collections,MadeinFrance:FrenchTalesRetoldwithaU.S.Twist(1893),formsanintroductionto
hisfiction.Notthathewasanimitatorfewhavebeenmoreoriginalorhaveputmoreoftheirown
personalityintotheirwork.HisgeniuswasGallic.LikeAldrich,heapproachedtheshortstoryfrom
thefastidiousstandpointofthelyricpoet.Withhim,aswithAldrich,artwasamatterofexquisite
touches,ofinfinitecompression,ofalmostimperceptibleshadings.Theluridsplashesandtheheavy
emphasisofthelocalcoloristsoffendedhissensitivetaste:hewouldworkwithsuggestion,with
microscopicfocussings,andalwayswithdignityandelegance.HewasmoreAmericanthanHenry
James,moreeventhanAldrich.HechosealwaysdistinctivelyAmericansubjectsNewYorkCity
washisfavoritethemeandhisworkhadmoredepthofsoulthanStockton'sorAldrich's.Thestory
maybetrivial,amereexpandedanecdote,yetitissuretobesovitallytreatedthat,likeMaupassant's
work,itgripsandremains,and,whatismore,itliftsandchastensorexplains.Itmaybesaidwith
assurancethatShortSixesmarksoneofthehighplaceswhichhavebeenattainedbytheAmerican
shortstory."[6]
AmongBunner'sbeststoriesare:LoveinOldCloathes(September,1883,Century),ASuccessful
Failure(July,1887,Puck),TheLoveLettersofSmith(July23,1890,Puck)TheNicePeople(July30,
1890,Puck),TheNineCentGirls(August13,1890,Puck),TheTwoChurchesof'Quawket(August
27,1890,Puck),ARoundUp(September10,1890,Puck),ASisterlyScheme(September24,1890,
Puck),OurAromaticUncle(August,1895,Scribner's),TheTimeTableTest(inTheSuburbanSage,
1896).HecollaboratedwithProf.BranderMatthewsinseveralstories,notablyinTheDocumentsin
theCase(Sept.,1879,Scribner'sMonthly).Hisbestcollectionsare:_ShortSixes:StoriestobeRead
WhiletheCandleBurns(1891),MoreShortSixes(1894),andLoveinOldCloathes,andOther
Stories(1896).
AfterPoeandHawthornealmostthefirstauthorinAmericatomakeavertiginousimpressionbyhis
shortstorieswasBretHarte.Thewideandsuddenpopularityheattainedbythepublicationofhistwo
shortstories,TheLuckofRoaringCamp(1868)andTheOutcastsofPokerFlat(1869),hasalready
beennoted.[7]ButonestoryjustbeforeHartethatastonishedthefictionaudiencewithitspowerand
artwasHarrietPrescottSpofford's(1835)TheAmberGods(JanuaryandFebruary,1860,Atlantic),
withitsstartlingending,"Imusthavediedattenminutespastone."AfterHartethenextstorytomake
agreatsensationwasThomasBaileyAldrich'sMarjorieDaw(April,1873,Atlantic),astorywitha
surpriseattheend,ashadbeenhisAStruggleforLife(July,1867,Atlantic),althoughitwasonly
MarjorieDawthatattractedmuchattentionatthetime.ThencameGeorgeWashingtonCable's
(1844)"PossonJone',"(April1,1876,Appleton'sJournal)andalittlelaterCharlesEgbert
Craddock's(1850)TheDancin'PartyatHarrison'sCove(May,1878,Atlantic)andTheStarinthe
Valley(November,1878,Atlantic).ButtheworkofCableandCraddock,thoughofsterlingworth,
wonitswaygradually.EvenEdwardEverettHale's(18221909)MyDoubleandHowHeUndidMe
(September,1859,Atlantic)andTheManWithoutaCountry(December,1863,Atlantic)hadfallen
comparativelystillborn.Thetrulyastoundingshortstorysuccesses,afterPoeandHawthorne,then,
wereSpofford,BretHarteandAldrich.NextcameFrankRichardStockton(18341902)."Theinterest
createdbytheappearanceofMarjorieDaw,"saysProf.Pattee,"wasmildcomparedwiththat
accordedtoFrankR.Stockton'sTheLadyortheTiger?(1884).Stocktonhadnotthetechniqueof
8/170
2015.04.11.
Aldrichnorhisnaturalnessandease.Certainlyhehadnothisatmosphereofthebeaumondeandhis
graceofstyle,butinwhimsicalityandunexpectednessandinthatsubtleartthatmakestheobviously
impossibleseemperfectlyplausibleandcommonplacehesurpassednotonlyhimbutEdwardEverett
Haleandallothers.AfterStocktonandTheLadyortheTiger?itwasrealizedevenbytheuncritical
thatshortstorywritinghadbecomeasubtleartandthatthemasterofitssubtletieshadhisreaderat
hismercy."[8]ThepublicationofStockton'sshortstoriescoversaperiodofoverfortyyears,from
Mahala'sDrive(November,1868,Lippincott's)toTheTroubleSheCausedWhenSheKissed
(December,1911,Ladies'HomeJournal),publishednineyearsafterhisdeath.Amongthemore
notableofhisstoriesmaybementioned:TheTransferredGhost(May,1882,Century),TheLadyor
theTiger?(November,1882,Century),TheReversibleLandscape(July,1884,Century),The
RemarkableWreckofthe"ThomasHyke"(August,1884,Century),"HisWife'sDeceasedSister"
(January,1884,Century),ATaleofNegativeGravity(December,1884,Century),TheChristmas
Wreck(inTheChristmasWreck,andOtherStories,1886),AmosKilbright(inAmosKilbright,His
AdscititiousExperiences,withOtherStories,1888),Asaph(May,1892,Cosmopolitan),MyTerminal
Moraine(April26,1892,Collier'sOnceaWeekLibrary),TheMagicEgg(June,1894,Century),The
BullerPodingtonCompact(August,1897,Scribner's),andTheWidow'sCruise(inAStoryTeller's
Pack,1897).Mostofhisbestworkwasgatheredintothecollections:TheLadyortheTiger?,and
OtherStories(1884),TheBeeManofOrn,andOtherFancifulTales(1887),AmosKilbright,His
AdscititiousExperiences,withOtherStories(1888),TheClocksofRondaine,andOtherStories
(1892),AChosenFew(1895),AStoryTeller'sPack(1897),andTheQueen'sMuseum,andOther
FancifulTales(1906).
AfterStocktonandBunnercomeO.Henry(18621910)andJackLondon(18761916),apostlesofthe
burlyandvigorousinfiction.BesideorabovethemstandHenryJames(18431916)althoughhe
belongstoanearlierperiodaswellEdithWharton(1862),AliceBrown(1857),MargaretWade
Deland(1857),andKatharineFullertonGerould(1879),practitionersinallthatO.Henryand
Londonarenot,ofthefinerfields,themoresubtlenuancesofmodernlife.WithO.Henryand
London,thoughperhapslessnoteworthy,aretobegroupedGeorgeRandolphChester(1869)and
IrvinShrewsburyCobb(1876).Then,standingrathereachbyhimself,areMelvilleDavissonPost
(1871),amasterofpsychologicalmysterystories,andWilburDanielSteele(1886),whoseworkit
ishardtoclassify.ThesetennamesrepresentmuchthatisbestinAmericanshortstoryproduction
sincethebeginningofthetwentiethcentury(1900).Notallarenotableforhumorbutinasmuchas
anyconsiderationoftheAmericanhumorousshortstorycannotbewhollydissociatedfroma
considerationoftheAmericanshortstoryingeneral,ithasseemednotamisstomentiontheseauthors
here.AlthoughSarahOrneJewett(18491909)livedonintothetwentiethcenturyandMaryE.
WilkinsFreeman(1862)isstillwithus,thebestandmosttypicalworkofthesetwowritersbelongs
inthelasttwodecadesofthepreviouscentury.ToanearlierperiodalsobelongCharlesEgbert
Craddock(1850),GeorgeWashingtonCable(1844),ThomasNelsonPage(1853),Constance
FenimoreWoolson(18481894),HarrietPrescottSpofford(1835),HamlinGarland(1860),
AmbroseBierce(1842?),RoseTerryCooke(18271892),andKateChopin(18511904).
"O.Henry"wasthepennameadoptedbyWilliamSydneyPorter.Hebeganhisshortstorycareerby
contributingWhistlingDick'sChristmasStockingtoMcClure'sMagazinein1899.Hefolloweditwith
manystoriesdealingwithWesternandSouthandCentralAmericanlife,andlatercamemostofhis
storiesofthelifeofNewYorkCity,inwhichfieldliesmostofhisbestwork.Hecontributedmore
storiestotheNewYorkWorldthantoanyotheronepublicationasifthestoriesoftheauthorwho
latercametobehailedas"theAmericanMaupassant"werenotgoodenoughforthe"leading"
magazinesbutfitonlyforthesensationlovingpublicoftheSundaypapers!Hisfirstpublishedstory
thatshoweddistinctstrengthwasperhapsABlackjackBargainer(August,1901,Munsey's).He
followedthiswithsuchmasterlystoriesas:TheDuplicityofHargraves(February,1902,Junior
Munsey),TheMarionettes(April,1902,BlackCat),ARetrievedReformation(April,1903,
Cosmopolitan),TheGuardianoftheAccolade(May,1903,Cosmopolitan),TheEnchantedKiss
(February,1904,Metropolitan),TheFurnishedRoom(August14,1904,NewYorkWorld),An
UnfinishedStory(August,1905,McClure's),TheCountandtheWeddingGuest(October8,1905,
9/170
2015.04.11.
NewYorkWorld),TheGiftoftheMagi(December10,1905,NewYorkWorld),TheTrimmedLamp
(August,1906,McClure's),Phoebe(November,1907,Everybody's),TheHidingofBlackBill
(October,1908,Everybody's),NoStory(June,1909,Metropolitan),AMunicipalReport(November,
1909,Hampton's),AServiceofLove(inTheFourMillion,1909),ThePendulum(inTheTrimmed
Lamp,1910),BrickdustRow(inTheTrimmedLamp,1910),andTheAssessorofSuccess(inThe
TrimmedLamp,1910).AmongO.Henry'sbestvolumesofshortstoriesare:TheFourMillion(1909),
Options(1909),RoadsofDestiny(1909),TheTrimmedLamp(1910),StrictlyBusiness:MoreStories
oftheFourMillion(1910),Whirligigs(1910),andSixesandSevens(1911).
"Nowhereisthereanythingjustlikethem.Inhisbestworkandhistalesofthegreatmetropolisare
hisbestheisunique.Thesoulofhisartisunexpectedness.Humorateveryturnthereis,and
sentimentandphilosophyandsurprise.Onenevermaybesureofhimself.Theendisalwaysa
sensation.Noforesightmaypredictit,andthesensationalwaysisgenuine.WhateverelseO.Henry
was,hewasanartist,amasterofplotanddiction,agenuinehumorist,andaphilosopher.His
weaknesslayintheverynatureofhisart.Hewasanentertainerbentonlyonamusingandsurprising
hisreader.Everywherebrilliancy,buttoooftenitisjoinedtocheapnessart,yetartmergingswiftly
intocaricature.LikeHarte,hecannotbetrusted.Bothwritersonthewholemaybesaidtohave
loweredthestandardsofAmericanliterature,sincebothworkedinthesurfaceoflifewiththeatric
intentandalwayswithoutmoralbackground,O.Henrymoves,butheneverlifts.Allisfortissimohe
slapsthereaderonthebackandlaughsloudlyasifhewereinabarroom.Hischaracters,withfew
exceptions,areextremes,caricatures.Evenhisshopgirls,inthelimningofwhomhedidhisbest
work,arenotreallyindividualsratheraretheytypes,symbols.Hisworkwasliteraryvaudeville,
brilliant,highlyamusing,andyetvaudeville."[9]TheDuplicityofHargraves,thestorybyO.Henry
giveninthisvolume,isfreefrommostofhisdefects.Ithasablendofhumorandpathosthatputsit
onaplaneofuniversalappeal.
GeorgeRandolphChester(1869)gaineddistinctionbycreatingthegenialmodernbusinessmanof
Americanliteraturewhoisnotcontentto"getrichquick"throughtheordinarychannels.NeedIsay
thatIrefertothatamazingcompoundoflikeablenessandsharppractices,GetRichQuick
Wallingford?Thestoryofhisincludedinthisvolume,BargainDayatTuttHouse(June,1905,
McClure's),wasnearlyhisfirststoryonlytwoothers,whichcameoutinTheSaturdayEveningPost
in1903and1904,precededit.Itsbreathlessdramaticactioniswellbalancedbyhumor.Otherstories
ofhisdeservingofspecialmentionare:ACornerinFarmers(February,29,1908,SaturdayEvening
Post),AFortuneinSmoke(March14,1908,SaturdayEveningPost),EasyMoney(November14,
1908,SaturdayEveningPost),TheTripleCross(December5,1908,SaturdayEveningPost),Spoiling
theEgyptians(December26,1908,SaturdayEveningPost),Whipsawed!(January16,1909,Saturday
EveningPost),TheBubbleBank(January30andFebruary6,1909,SaturdayEveningPost),Straight
Business(February27,1909,SaturdayEveningPost),SamTurner:aBusinessMan'sLoveStory
(March26,April2and9,1910,SaturdayEveningPost),FundamentalJustice(July25,1914,
SaturdayEveningPost),AScropperPatcher(October,1916,Everybody's),andJollyBachelors
(February,1918,Cosmopolitan).Hisbestcollectionsare:GetRichQuickWallingford(1908),Young
Wallingford(1910),WallingfordinHisPrime(1913),andWallingfordandBlackieDaw(1913).Itis
oftendifficulttofindinhisbooksshortstoriesthatonemaybelookingfor,forthereasonthatthe
titlesoftheindividualstorieshavebeenremovedinordertomakethebookslooklikenovels
subdividedintochapters.
GraceMacGowanCooke(1863)isawriterallofwhoseworkhasinterestandperdurablestuffinit,
butfewaretheauthorswhoseachievementsintheAmericanshortstorystandoutasawhole.InA
Call(August,1906,Harper's)shesurpassesherselfandisnotperhapsherselfsurpassedbyanyofthe
humorousshortstoriesthathavecometotheforesofarinAmericainthetwentiethcentury.Thestory
isnolessdelightfulinitsfidelitytofactandunderstandingofyounghumannaturethaninitsrelishof
humor.Someofherstoriesdeservingofspecialmentionare:TheCaptureofAndyProudfoot(June,
1904,Harper's),IntheStrengthoftheHills(December,1905,Metropolitan),TheMachinationsof
OcoeeGallantine(April,1906,Century),ACall(August,1906,Harper's),ScottBohannon'sBond
10/170
2015.04.11.
(May4,1907,Collier's),andACleanShave(November,1912,Century).Herbestshortstoriesdonot
seemtohavebeencollectedinvolumesasyet,althoughshehashadseveralnotablelongworksof
fictionpublished,suchasThePowerandtheGlory(1910),andseveralgoodjuveniles.
WilliamJamesLampton(?1917),whowasknowntomanyofhisadmirersasWillLamptonoras
W.J.L.merely,wasoneofthemostuniqueandinterestingcharactersofliteraryandBohemianNew
Yorkfromabout1895tohisdeathin1917.IrememberwalkingupFifthAvenuewithhimone
SundayafternoonjustafterhehadshownmealetterfromthemanwhowasthenComptrollerofthe
Currency.Theletterwassignedsoillegiblythatmycompanionwasindoubtsastothesender,sohe
suggestedthatwestopatawellknownhotelatthecornerof59thStreet,andaskthemanagerwhothe
ComptrolleroftheCurrencythenwas,sothathemightknowwhomtheletterwasfrom.Hesaidthat
themanagerofabighotellikethat,wheremanyprominentpeoplestayed,wouldbesuretoknow.
Whenthisproblemhadbeensolvedtooursatisfaction,JohnSkeltonWilliamsprovingtobetheman,
Lamptonsaid,"Nowyou'vetoldmewhoheis,I'llshowyouwhoIam."Soheaskedforacopyof
TheAmericanMagazineatanewsstandinthehotelcorridor,openedit,andshowedthemanagera
fullpagepictureofhimselfcladinacostumesuggestiveofthetimeofChristopherColumbus,with
highruffsaroundhisneck,thathappenedtoappearinthemagazinethecurrentmonth.Imentionthis
incidenttoillustratethelackofconventionalityandwhimsicaloriginalityoftheman,thatstoodout
nolessforciblyinhiswritingsthaninhisdailylife.Hehadlittleusefor"doingtheusualthinginthe
usualsortofway."Hefirstgainedprominencebyhisbookofverse,Yawps(1900).Hispoemswere
freefromconventionintechniqueaswellasinspirit,althoughtheirchiefinnovationwassimplythat
asaruletherewasnoregularnumberofsyllablesinalineheletthelinesbeanylengththeywanted
tobe,tofitthesenseorthelengthofwhathehadtosay.Heoncesaidtomethatifanythingofhis
wasrememberedhethoughtitwouldbehispoem,Lo,theSummerGirl.Hismuseoftentookthe
directionofsatire,butitwasalwaysgoodnaturedevenwhenithitthehardest.Hehadinhismakeup
muchofthedetachedphilosopher,likeCervantesandMarkTwain.
Therewassomethingcosmicabouthisattitudetolife,andthisshowedinmuchthathedid.Hewas
theonlyAmericanwriterofhumorousverseofhisdaywhomIalwayscaredtoread,orwhoselinesI
couldremembermorethanafewweeks.Thiswasperhapsbecausehisworkwasnevermerely
humorous,butalwayshadabigsweepofbackgroundtoit,liketheruggednessoftheKentucky
mountainsfromwhichhecame.ItwasColonelGeorgeHarvey,theneditorofHarper'sWeekly,who
hadstartedtheboomtomakeWoodrowWilsonPresident.Wilsonafterwards,atleastseemingly,
repudiatedhissponsor,probablybecauseofHarvey'sidentificationwithvariousmoneyedinterests.
Lampton'spoemonthesubject,withitsrefrain,"Neveragain,saidColonelGeorge,"Irememberas
oneofthemostnotableofhispoemsoncurrenttopics.Butwhatalwaysseemedtomethebestofhis
poemsdealingwithmattersofthehourwasonethatIsuggestedhewrite,whichdealtwithgiftgiving
tothepublic,ataboutthetimethatAndrewCarnegiewasmakingabigstirwithhisgiftsforlibraries,
beginning:
Dunno,perhaps
Oneoftheyaps
Likemewouldmake
Aholybreak
Doinghisturn
Withmoneytoburn.
Anyhow,I
Wouldn'tshy
Makingatry!
andcontaining,amongmanyeffectivetouches,thepatheticlines,
I'dhelp
Thepoorwhotrytohelpthemselves,
Whohavetoworksohardforbread
11/170
2015.04.11.
Theycan'tgetveryfarahead.
WhenJamesLaneAllen'snovel,TheReignofLaw,cameout(1900),alittlequatrainbyLamptonthat
appearedinTheBookman(September,1900)sweptlikewildfireacrossthecountry,andwasreadbya
hundredtimesasmanypeopleasthebookitself:
"TheReignofLaw"?
Well,Allen,you'relucky
It'sthefirsttimeitever
RainedlawinKentucky!
ThereaderneednotberemindedthatatthatperiodKentuckyfamilyfeudswerewelltothefore.As
Lamptonhadstartedasapoet,theeditorswereboundtokeephimpigeonholedasfarastheycould,
andhisambitiontowriteshortstorieswasnotatfirstmuchencouragedbythem.Hispredicamentwas
somethinglikethatofthechiefcharacterofFrankR.Stockton'sstory,"HisWife'sDeceasedSister"
(January,1884,Century),whohadwrittenastorysogoodthatwheneverhebroughttheeditors
anotherstorytheyinvariablyansweredinsubstance,"We'reafraiditwon'tdo.Can'tyougiveus
somethinglike'HisWife'sDeceasedSister'?"ThiswasmerelyStockton'sturningtoaccounthisown
somewhatsimilarexperiencewiththeeditorsafterhisstory,TheLadyortheTiger?(November,
1882,Century)appeared.Likewisetheeditorsdidn'twantLampton'sshortstoriesforawhilebecause
theylikedhispoemssowell.
DoIhearsomecriticsexclaimingthatthereisnothingremarkableaboutHowtheWidowWonthe
Deacon,thestorybyLamptonincludedinthisvolume?Ithandlesanamusingsituationlightlyand
withgrace.Itisoneofthosethingsthatreadeasilyandareoftendifficulttoachieve.Amonghisbest
storiesare:ThePeople'sNumberoftheWorthyvilleWatchman(May12,1900,SaturdayEvening
Post),Love'sStrangeSpell(April27,1901,SaturdayEveningPost),AbimelechHiggins'Way(August
24,1001,SaturdayEveningPost),ACupofTea(March,1902,Metropolitan),WinningHisSpurs
(May,1904,Cosmopolitan),ThePerfidyofMajorPulsifer(November,1909,Cosmopolitan),How
theWidowWontheDeacon(April,1911,Harper'sBazaar),andABrownStudy(December,1913,
Lippincott's).Thereisnocollectionasyetofhisshortstories.Althoughfamiliarlyknownas
"Colonel"Lampton,andalthoughofKentucky,hewasnotmerelya"KentuckyColonel,"forhewas
actuallyappointedColonelonthestaffofthegovernorofKentucky.Atthetimeofhisdeathhewas
abouttobemadeabrigadiergeneralandwasplanningtoraiseabrigadeofKentuckymountaineers
forserviceintheGreatWar.Ashehadjuststruckhisstrideinshortstorywriting,thelosstoliterature
wasevengreaterthanthepatrioticloss.
Gideon(April,1914,Century),byWellsHastings(1878),thestorywithwhichthisvolumecloses,
callstomindthelargenumberofnotableshortstoriesinAmericanliteraturebywriterswhohave
madenolargenameforthemselvesasshortstorywriters,orevenotherwiseinletters.American
literaturehasalwaysbeenstronginits"stray"shortstoriesofnote.InMr.Hastings'case,however,I
feelthatthefameissuretocome.HegraduatedfromYalein1902,collaboratedwithBrianHooker
(1880)inanovel,TheProfessor'sMystery(1911)andalonewroteanothernovel,TheManinthe
BrownDerby(1911).Hisshortstoriesinclude:TheNewLittleBoy(July,1911,American),ThatDay
(September,1911,American),ThePickUp(December,1911,Everybody's),andGideon(April,1914,
Century).Thelaststorystandsout.Itcanbecomparedwithoutdisadvantagetothebestwork,orall
buttheverybestwork,ofThomasNelsonPage,itseemstome.Andfromthereader'sstandpointit
hastheadvantageisthisnotalsoanauthor'sadvantage?ofamoremodernsettingandtreatment.
Mr.Hastingsis,Ihavebeentold,adirectorinoveradozenlargecorporations.Letushopethathis
businessactivitieswillnotkeephimtoomuchawayfromtheproductionofliteraturefortorankas
apieceofliterature,somethingofpermanentliteraryvalue,Gideonissurelyentitled.
ALEXANDERJESSUP.
12/170
2015.04.11.
CONTENTS
INTRODUCTIONAlexanderJessup
THELITTLEFRENCHMANANDHISWATERLOTS(1839)GeorgePopeMorris
THEANGELOFTHEODD(1844)EdgarAllanPoe
THESCHOOLMASTER'SPROGRESS(1844)CarolineM.S.Kirkland
THEWATKINSONEVENING(1846)ElizaLeslie
TITBOTTOM'SSPECTACLES(1854)GeorgeWilliamCurtis
MYDOUBLEANDHOWHEUNDIDME(1859)EdwardEverettHale
AVISITTOTHEASYLUMFORAGEDANDDECAYEDPUNSTERS(1861)OliverWendell
Holmes
THECELEBRATEDJUMPINGFROGOFCALAVERASCOUNTY(1865)MarkTwain
ELDERBROWN'SBACKSLIDE(1885)HarryStillwellEdwards
THEHOTELEXPERIENCEOFMR.PINKFLUKER(1886)RichardMalcolmJohnston
THENICEPEOPLE(1890)HenryCuylerBunner
THEBULLERPODINGTONCOMPACT(1897)FrankRichardStockton
COLONELSTARBOTTLEFORTHEPLAINTIFF(1901)BretHarte
THEDUPLICITYOFHARGRAVES(1902)O.Henry
BARGAINDAYATTUTTHOUSE(1905)
GeorgeRandolphChester
ACALL(1906)
GraceMacGowanCooke
HOWTHEWIDOWWONTHEDEACON(1911)
WilliamJamesLampton
GIDEON(1914)
WellsHastings
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
TheNicePeople,byHenryCuylerBunner,isrepublishedfromhisvolume,ShortSixes,by
permissionofitspublishers,CharlesScribner'sSons.TheBullerPodingtonCompact,byFrank
RichardStockton,isfromhisvolume,AfieldandAfloat,andisrepublishedbypermissionofCharles
Scribner'sSons.ColonelStarbottleforthePlaintiff,byBretHarte,isfromthecollectionofhisstories
entitledOpeningsintheOldTrail,andisrepublishedbypermissionoftheHoughtonMifflin
Company,theauthorizedpublishersofBretHarte'scompleteworks.TheDuplicityofHargraves,by
13/170
2015.04.11.
O.Henry,isfromhisvolume,SixesandSevens,andisrepublishedbypermissionofitspublishers,
Doubleday,Page&Co.Thesestoriesarefullyprotectedbycopyright,andshouldnotberepublished
exceptbypermissionofthepublishersmentioned.ThanksaredueMrs.GraceMacGowanCookefor
permissiontouseherstory,ACall,republishedherefromHarper'sMagazineWellsHastings,for
permissiontoreprinthisstory,Gideon,fromTheCenturyMagazineandGeorgeRandolphChester,
forpermissiontoincludeBargainDayatTuttHouse,fromMcClure'sMagazine.Iwouldalsothank
theheirsofthelatelamentedColonelWilliamJ.Lamptonforpermissiontousehisstory,Howthe
WidowWontheDeacon,fromHarper'sBazaar.Thesestoriesareallcopyrighted,andcannotbe
republishedexceptbyauthorizationoftheirauthorsorheirs.Theeditorregretsthattheirpublishers
haveseenfittorefusehimpermissiontoincludeGeorgeW.Cable'sstory,"PossonJone',"andIrvin
S.Cobb'sstory,TheSmartAleck.HealsoregretshewasunabletoobtainacopyofJosephC.
Duport'sstory,TheWeddingatTimberHollow,intimeforinclusion,towhichitsmeritsashe
remembersthemcertainlyentitleit.Mr.Duport,inadditiontohisliteraryactivities,hasstartedan
interesting"backtoNature"experimentatWestfield,Massachusetts.
[Footnote1:ThisIhaveattemptedinRepresentativeAmericanShort
Stories(Allyn&Bacon:Boston,1922).]
[Footnote2:WillD.Howe,inTheCambridgeHistoryofAmerican
Literature,Vol.II,pp.158159(G.P.Putnam'sSons,1918).]
[Footnote3:AHistoryofAmericanLiteratureSince1870,p.317
(TheCenturyCo.:1915).]
[Footnote4:AHistoryofAmericanLiteratureSince1870,pp7981.]
[Footnote5:"TheWorksofBretHarte,"twentyvolumes.TheHoughton
MifflinCompany,Boston.]
[Footnote6:TheCambridgeHistoryofAmericanLiterature,Vol.II,p.386.]
[Footnote7:SeethisIntroduction.]
[Footnote8:TheCambridgeHistoryofAmericanLiterature,Vol.II,p.385.]
[Footnote9:FredLewisPattee,inTheCambridgeHistoryofAmerican
Literature,Vol.II,p.394.]
*****
To:CHARLESGOODRICHWHITING,Critic,Poet,Friend
*****
THELITTLEFRENCHMANANDHISWATERLOTS
BYGEORGEPOPEMORRIS(18021864)
[FromTheLittleFrenchmanandHisWaterLots,withOtherSketchesoftheTimes(1839),byGeorge
PopeMorris.]
Lookintothosetheycallunfortunate,
14/170
2015.04.11.
And,closerview'd,you'llfindtheyareunwise.Young.
Letwealthcomeinbycomelythrift,
Andnotbyanyfoolishshift:
Tishaste
Makeswaste:
Whogripestoohardthedryandslipperysand
Holdsnoneatall,orlittle,inhishand.Herrick.
Letwellalone.Proverb.
Howmuchrealcomforteveryonemightenjoyifhewouldbecontentedwiththelotinwhichheaven
hascasthim,andhowmuchtroublewouldbeavoidedifpeoplewouldonly"letwellalone."A
moderateindependence,quietlyandhonestlyprocured,iscertainlyeverywaypreferableevento
immensepossessionsachievedbythewearandtearofmindandbodysonecessarytoprocurethem.
Yetthereareveryfewindividuals,letthembedoingeversowellintheworld,whoarenotalways
strainingeverynervetodobetterandthisisoneofthemanycauseswhyfailuresinbusinessso
frequentlyoccuramongus.Thepresentgenerationseemunwillingto"realize"byslowandsure
degreesbutchooserathertosettheirwholehopesuponasinglecast,whicheithermakesormars
themforever!
Gentlereader,doyourememberMonsieurPoopoo?HeusedtokeepasmalltoystoreinChatham,
nearthecornerofPearlStreet.Youmustrecollecthim,ofcourse.Helivedthereformanyyears,and
wasoneofthemostpoliteandaccommodatingofshopkeepers.Whenajuvenile,youhavebought
topsandmarblesofhimathousandtimes.Tobesureyouhaveandseenhisvinegarvisagelighted
upwithasmileasyouflunghimthecoppersandyouhavelaughedathislittlestraightqueueandhis
dimitybreeches,andalltheotherodditiesthatmadeuptheeverydayapparelofmylittleFrenchman.
Ah,Iperceiveyourecollecthimnow.
Well,then,therelivedMonsieurPoopooeversincehecamefrom"dear,delightfulParis,"ashewas
wonttocallthecityofhisnativitytherehetookinthepenniesforhiskickshawstherehelaid
asidefivethousanddollarsagainstarainydaytherehewasashappyasalarkandthere,inall
humanprobability,hewouldhavebeentothisveryday,arespectedandsubstantialcitizen,hadhe
beenwillingto"letwellalone."ButMonsieurPoopoohadheardstrangestoriesabouttheprodigious
riseinrealestateand,havingunderstoodthatmostofhisneighborshadbecomesuddenlyrichby
speculatinginlots,heinstantlygrewdissatisfiedwithhisownlot,forthwithdeterminedtoshutup
shop,turneverythingintocash,andsetaboutmakingmoneyinrightdownearnest.Nosoonersaid
thandoneandourquondamstorekeeperafewdaysafterwardattendedanextensivesaleofreal
estate,attheMerchants'Exchange.
Therewastheauctioneer,withhisbeautifulandinvitinglithographicmapsallthelotsassmooth
andsquareandenticinglylaidoutaspossibleandtherewerethespeculatorsandthere,inthe
midstofthem,stoodMonsieurPoopoo.
"Heretheyare,gentlemen,"saidheofthehammer,"themostvaluablelotseverofferedforsale.Give
meabidforthem!"
"Onehundredeach,"saidabystander.
"Onehundred!"saidtheauctioneer,"scarcelyenoughtopayforthemaps.Onehundredgoingand
fiftygone!Mr.H.,theyareyours.Anoblepurchase.You'llsellthosesamelotsinlessthana
fortnightforfiftythousanddollarsprofit!"
MonsieurPoopooprickeduphisearsatthis,andwaslostinastonishment.Thiswasamucheasier
waycertainlyofaccumulatingrichesthansellingtoysinChathamStreet,andhedeterminedtobuy
15/170
2015.04.11.
andmendhisfortunewithoutdelay.
Theauctioneerproceededinhissale.Otherparcelswereofferedanddisposedof,andallthe
purchaserswerepromisedimmenseadvantagesfortheirenterprise.Atlastcameamorevaluable
parcelthanalltherest.Thecompanypressedaroundthestand,andMonsieurPoopoodidthesame.
"Inowofferyou,gentlemen,thesemagnificentlots,delightfullysituatedonLongIsland,with
valuablewaterprivileges.Propertyinfeetitleindisputabletermsofsale,cashdeedsreadyfor
deliveryimmediatelyafterthesale.Howmuchforthem?Givethemastartatsomething.How
much?"Theauctioneerlookedaroundtherewerenobidders.AtlasthecaughttheeyeofMonsieur
Poopoo."Didyousayonehundred,sir?BeautifullotsvaluablewaterprivilegesshallIsayone
hundredforyou?"
"Oui,monsieurIwillgiveyouvonhundreddollarapiece,fordelotviddevaluarblevatareprivalege
c'esta."
"Onlyonehundredapieceforthesesixtyvaluablelotsonlyonehundredgoinggoinggoing
gone!"
MonsieurPoopoowasthefortunatepossessor.Theauctioneercongratulatedhimthesaleclosed
andthecompanydispersed.
"Pardonnezmoi,monsieur,"saidPoopoo,astheauctioneerdescendedhispedestal,"youshall
excusezmoi,ifIshallgotovotrebureau,yourcountinghouse,verquicktomakeeverytingsurewid
respectodelotviddevaluarblevatareprivalege.Vonleetlebirdindehandhevorthtwoindetree,
c'estvraieh?"
"Certainly,sir."
"Vellden,allons."
Andthegentlemenrepairedtothecountinghouse,wherethesixthousanddollarswerepaid,andthe
deedsofthepropertydelivered.MonsieurPoopooputthesecarefullyinhispocket,andashewas
abouttakinghisleave,theauctioneermadehimapresentofthelithographicoutlineofthelots,which
wasaveryliberalthingonhispart,consideringthemapwasabeautifulspecimenofthatgloriousart.
Poopoocouldnotadmireitsufficiently.Therewerehissixtylots,asuniformaspossible,andhislittle
grayeyessparkledlikediamondsastheywanderedfromoneendofthespacioussheettotheother.
Poopoo'sheartwasaslightasafeather,andhesnappedhisfingersintheverywantonnessofjoyas
herepairedtoDelmonico's,andorderedthefirstgoodFrenchdinnerthathadgladdenedhispalate
sincehisarrivalinAmerica.
Afterhavingdiscussedhisrepast,andwasheditdownwithabottleofchoiceoldclaret,heresolved
uponavisittoLongIslandtoviewhispurchase.Heconsequentlyimmediatelyhiredahorseandgig,
crossedtheBrooklynferry,anddrovealongthemarginoftherivertotheWallabout,thelocationin
question.
Ourfriend,however,wasnotalittleperplexedtofindhisproperty.Everythingonthemapwasasfair
andevenaspossible,whileallthegroundsabouthimwereasundulatedastheycouldwellbe
imagined,andtherewasanelbowoftheEastRiverthrustingitselfquiteintotheribsoftheland,
whichseemedtohavenobusinessthere.ThispuzzledtheFrenchmanexceedinglyand,beinga
strangerinthoseparts,hecalledtoafarmerinanadjacentfield.
"Monami,areyouacquaintviddispartofdecountryeh?"
"Yes,Iwasbornhere,andknoweveryinchofit."
16/170
2015.04.11.
"Ah,c'estbien,datvilldo,"andtheFrenchmangotoutofthegig,tiedthehorse,andproducedhis
lithographicmap.
"DenmaybeyouvillhavedekindnesstoshowmedesixtylotvichIhavebought,viddevaluarble
vatareprivalege?"
Thefarmerglancedhiseyeoverthepaper.
"Yes,sir,withpleasureifyouwillbegoodenoughtogetintomyboat,Iwillrowyououttothem!"
"Vatdatyousay,sure?"
"Myfriend,"saidthefarmer,"thissectionofLongIslandhasrecentlybeenboughtupbythe
speculatorsofNewYork,andlaidoutforagreatcitybuttheprincipalstreetisonlyvisibleatlow
tide.WhenthispartoftheEastRiverisfilledup,itwillbejustthere.Yourlots,asyouwillperceive,
arebeyonditandarenowallunderwater."
AtfirsttheFrenchmanwasincredulous.Hecouldnotbelievehissenses.Asthefacts,however,
graduallybrokeuponhim,heshutoneeye,squintedobliquelyattheheavenstheriverthefarmer
andthenheturnedawayandsquintedatthemalloveragain!Therewashispurchasesureenough
butthenitcouldnotbeperceivedfortherewasariverflowingoverit!Hedrewaboxfromhis
waistcoatpocket,openedit,withanemphaticknockuponthelid,tookapinchofsnuffandrestoredit
tohiswaistcoatpocketasbefore.Poopoowasevidentlyintrouble,having"thoughtswhichoftenlie
toodeepfortears"and,ashisgriefwasalsotoobigforwords,heuntiedhishorse,jumpedintohis
gig,andreturnedtotheauctioneerinhothaste.
Itwasnearnightwhenhearrivedattheauctionroomhishorseinafoamandhimselfinafury.The
auctioneerwasleaningbackinhischair,withhislegsstuckoutofalowwindow,quietlysmokinga
cigarafterthelaborsoftheday,andhummingthemusicfromthelastnewopera.
"Monsieur,Ihavemuchplaisirtofin'you,chezvous,athome."
"Ah,Poopoo!gladtoseeyou.Takeaseat,oldboy."
"ButIshallnottakedeseat,sare."
"Nowhy,what'sthematter?"
"Oh,beaucoupdematter.Ihavebeentoseedegranlotvotyousellmetoday."
"Well,sir,Ihopeyoulikeyourpurchase?"
"No,monsieur,Inolikehim."
"I'msorryforitbutthereisnogroundforyourcomplaint."
"No,saredareisnogroundatalldegroundisallvatare!"
"Youjoke!"
"Inojoke.Inevarejokejen'entendspaslaraillerie,Sare,voulezvoushavedekindnesstogiveme
backdemoneyvotIpay!"
"Certainlynot."
17/170
2015.04.11.
"DenvillyoubesogoodastotakedeEastRiveroffdetopofmylot?"
"That'syourbusiness,sir,notmine."
"DenImakevonmauvaiseaffairevongranmistake!"
"Ihopenot.Idon'tthinkyouhavethrownyourmoneyawayintheland."
"No,sarebutItroitavayindevatare!"
"That'snotmyfault."
"Yes,sare,butitisyourfault.You'revonvergranrascaltoswindlemeoutofdel'argent."
"Hello,oldPoopoo,yougrowpersonalandifyoucan'tkeepaciviltongueinyourhead,youmustgo
outofmycountingroom."
"VareshallIgoto,eh?"
"Tothedevil,foraughtIcare,youfoolisholdFrenchman!"saidtheauctioneer,waxingwarm.
"But,sare,Ivillnotgotodedeviltoobligeyou!"repliedtheFrenchman,waxingwarmer."Yousheat
meoutofalldedollarvotImakeinShathamStreetbutIvillnotgotodedevilforalldat.Ivishyou
maygotodedevilyourselfyoudemyankeedoodell,andIvillgoanddrownmyself,toutdesuite,
rightavay."
"Youcouldn'tmakeabetteruseofyourwaterprivileges,oldboy!"
"Ah,misricorde!Ah,mondieu,jesuisabm.Iamruin!Iamdoneup!Iambreakallintotensousan
leetlepieces!Iamvonlameduck,andIshallvaddleacrossdegranoceanforParis,vishisdeonly
valuarblevatareprivalegedatisleftmepresent!"
PoorPoopoowasasgoodashisword.Hesailedinthenextpacket,andarrivedinParisalmostas
pennilessasthedayheleftit.
Shouldanyonefeeldisposedtodoubttheveritablecircumstanceshererecorded,lethimcrossthe
EastRivertotheWallabout,andfarmerJwillrowhimouttotheveryplacewherethepoor
Frenchman'slotsstillremainunderwater.
THEANGELOFTHEODD
[FromTheColumbianMagazine,October,1844.]
BYEDGARALLANPOE(18091849)
ItwasachillyNovemberafternoon.Ihadjustconsummatedanunusuallyheartydinner,ofwhichthe
dyspeptictruffeformednottheleastimportantitem,andwassittingaloneinthediningroomwithmy
feetuponthefenderandatmyelbowasmalltablewhichIhadrolleduptothefire,anduponwhich
weresomeapologiesfordessert,withsomemiscellaneousbottlesofwine,spirit,andliqueur.Inthe
morningIhadbeenreadingGlover'sLeonidas,Wilkie'sEpigoniad,Lamartine'sPilgrimage,Barlow's
Columbiad,Tuckerman'sSicily,andGriswold'sCuriosities,Iamwillingtoconfess,therefore,thatI
nowfeltalittlestupid.ImadeefforttoarousemyselfbyfrequentaidofLafitte,andallfailing,I
betookmyselftoastraynewspaperindespair.Havingcarefullyperusedthecolumnof"Housesto
18/170
2015.04.11.
let,"andthecolumnof"Dogslost,"andthenthecolumnsof"Wivesandapprenticesrunaway,"I
attackedwithgreatresolutiontheeditorialmatter,andreadingitfrombeginningtoendwithout
understandingasyllable,conceivedthepossibilityofitsbeingChinese,andsorereaditfromtheend
tothebeginning,butwithnomoresatisfactoryresult.Iwasaboutthrowingawayindisgust
Thisfoliooffourpages,happywork
Whichnotevencriticscriticise,
whenIfeltmyattentionsomewhatarousedbytheparagraphwhichfollows:
"Theavenuestodeatharenumerousandstrange.ALondonpapermentionsthedeceaseofaperson
fromasingularcause.Hewasplayingat'puffthedart,'whichisplayedwithalongneedleinsertedin
someworsted,andblownatatargetthroughatintube.Heplacedtheneedleatthewrongendofthe
tube,anddrawinghisbreathstronglytopuffthedartforwardwithforce,drewtheneedleintohis
throat.Itenteredthelungs,andinafewdayskilledhim."
UponseeingthisIfellintoagreatrage,withoutexactlyknowingwhy."Thisthing,"Iexclaimed,"isa
contemptiblefalsehoodapoorhoaxtheleesoftheinventionofsomepitiablepennyaliner,of
somewretchedconcocterofaccidentsinCocaigne.Thesefellowsknowingtheextravagantgullibility
oftheagesettheirwitstoworkintheimaginationofimprobablepossibilities,ofoddaccidentsas
theytermthem,buttoareflectingintellect(likemine,Iadded,inparenthesis,puttingmyforefinger
unconsciouslytothesideofmynose),toacontemplativeunderstandingsuchasImyselfpossess,it
seemsevidentatoncethatthemarvelousincreaseoflateinthese'oddaccidents'isbyfartheoddest
accidentofall.Formyownpart,Iintendtobelievenothinghenceforwardthathasanythingofthe
'singular'aboutit."
"MeinGott,den,vatavoolyoubeesfordat!"repliedoneofthemostremarkablevoicesIeverheard.
AtfirstItookitforarumblinginmyearssuchasamansometimesexperienceswhengettingvery
drunkbutuponsecondthought,Iconsideredthesoundasmorenearlyresemblingthatwhich
proceedsfromanemptybarrelbeatenwithabigstickand,infact,thisIshouldhaveconcludeditto
be,butforthearticulationofthesyllablesandwords.Iambynomeansnaturallynervous,andthe
veryfewglassesofLafittewhichIhadsippedservedtoemboldenmealittle,sothatIfeltnothingof
trepidation,butmerelyupliftedmyeyeswithaleisurelymovementandlookedcarefullyaroundthe
roomfortheintruder.Icouldnot,however,perceiveanyoneatall.
"Humph!"resumedthevoiceasIcontinuedmysurvey,"youmuspesodronkasdepigdenfornot
zeemeasIzithereatyourzide."
HereuponIbethoughtmeoflookingimmediatelybeforemynose,andthere,sureenough,confronting
meatthetablesatapersonagenondescript,althoughnotaltogetherindescribable.Hisbodywasa
winepipeorarumpuncheon,orsomethingofthatcharacter,andhadatrulyFalstaffianair.Inits
netherextremitywereinsertedtwokegs,whichseemedtoanswerallthepurposesoflegs.Forarms
theredangledfromtheupperportionofthecarcasstwotolerablylongbottleswiththenecksoutward
forhands.AlltheheadthatIsawthemonsterpossessedofwasoneofthoseHessiancanteenswhich
resemblealargesnuffboxwithaholeinthemiddleofthelid.Thiscanteen(withafunnelonitstop
likeacavaliercapslouchedovertheeyes)wassetonedgeuponthepuncheon,withtheholetoward
myselfandthroughthishole,whichseemedpuckereduplikethemouthofaverypreciseoldmaid,
thecreaturewasemittingcertainrumblingandgrumblingnoiseswhichheevidentlyintendedfor
intelligibletalk.
"Izay,"saidhe,"youmospedronkasdepig,vorzitdareandnotzeemezitereandIzay,doo,you
mospepiggervoolasdegoose,vortodispeliefvatizprintindeprint.'Tizdetroofdatitizebery
vordobit."
"Whoareyou,pray?"saidIwithmuchdignity,althoughsomewhatpuzzled"howdidyougethere?
19/170
2015.04.11.
andwhatisityouaretalkingabout?"
"AsvorowIcom'dere,"repliedthefigure,"datiznoneofyourpizzinessandasvorvatIbetalking
apout,IbetalkapoutvatItinkproperandasvorwhoIbe,vydatisdeverytingIcom'dhereforto
letyouzeeforyourself."
"Youareadrunkenvagabond,"saidI,"andIshallringthebellandordermyfootmantokickyouinto
thestreet."
"He!he!he!"saidthefellow,"hu!hu!hu!datyoucan'tdo."
"Can'tdo!"saidI,"whatdoyoumean?Ican'tdowhat?"
"Ringdepell,"hereplied,attemptingagrinwithhislittlevillainousmouth.
UponthisImadeanefforttogetupinordertoputmythreatintoexecution,buttheruffianjust
reachedacrossthetableverydeliberately,andhittingmeatapontheforeheadwiththeneckofoneof
thelongbottles,knockedmebackintothearmchairfromwhichIhadhalfarisen.Iwasutterly
astounded,andforamomentwasquiteatalosswhattodo.Inthemeantimehecontinuedhistalk.
"Youzee,"saidhe,"itiztebessvorzitstillandnowyoushallknowwhoIpe.Lookatme!zee!Iam
teAngelovteOdd."
"Andoddenough,too,"Iventuredtoreply"butIwasalwaysundertheimpressionthatanangelhad
wings."
"Tewing!"hecried,highlyincensed,"vatIpedomittewing?Mein
Gott!doyoutakemeforashicken?"
"Nooh,no!"Ireplied,muchalarmed"youarenochickencertainlynot."
"Well,den,zitstillandpehabeyourself,orI'llrapyouagainmidmevist.Itizteshickenabtewing,
undteowlabtewing,undteimpabtewing,undteheadteuffelabtewing.Teangelabnottewing,
andIamteAngelovteOdd."
"Andyourbusinesswithmeatpresentisis"
"Mypizziness!"ejaculatedthething,"vyvatalowbredpuppyyoumospevortoaskagentleman
undanangelapouthispizziness!"
ThislanguagewasrathermorethanIcouldbear,evenfromanangelso,pluckingupcourage,I
seizedasaltcellarwhichlaywithinreach,andhurleditattheheadoftheintruder.Eitherhedodged,
however,ormyaimwasinaccurateforallIaccomplishedwasthedemolitionofthecrystalwhich
protectedthedialoftheclockuponthemantelpiece.AsfortheAngel,heevincedhissenseofmy
assaultbygivingmetwoorthreehard,consecutiverapsupontheforeheadasbefore.Thesereduced
meatoncetosubmission,andIamalmostashamedtoconfessthat,eitherthroughpainorvexation,
therecameafewtearsintomyeyes.
"MeinGott!"saidtheAngeloftheOdd,apparentlymuchsoftenedatmydistress"meinGott,teman
isederferrydronkorferryzorry.Youmosnottrinkitsostrongyoumosputtewaterintewine.
Here,trinkdis,likeagoodveller,anddon'tgrynowdon't!"
HereupontheAngeloftheOddreplenishedmygoblet(whichwasaboutathirdfullofport)witha
colorlessfluidthathepouredfromoneofhishandbottles.Iobservedthatthesebottleshadlabels
abouttheirnecks,andthattheselabelswereinscribed"Kirschenwsser."
20/170
2015.04.11.
TheconsideratekindnessoftheAngelmollifiedmeinnolittlemeasureand,aidedbythewaterwith
whichhedilutedmyportmorethanonce,Iatlengthregainedsufficienttempertolistentohisvery
extraordinarydiscourse.Icannotpretendtorecountallthathetoldme,butIgleanedfromwhathe
saidthathewasageniuswhopresidedoverthecontretempsofmankind,andwhosebusinessitwasto
bringabouttheoddaccidentswhicharecontinuallyastonishingtheskeptic.Onceortwice,uponmy
venturingtoexpressmytotalincredulityinrespecttohispretensions,hegrewveryangryindeed,so
thatatlengthIconsidereditthewiserpolicytosaynothingatall,andlethimhavehisownway.He
talkedon,therefore,atgreatlength,whileImerelyleanedbackinmychairwithmyeyesshut,and
amusedmyselfwithmunchingraisinsandfilipingthestemsabouttheroom.But,byandby,the
Angelsuddenlyconstruedthisbehaviorofmineintocontempt.Hearoseinaterriblepassion,
slouchedhisfunneldownoverhiseyes,sworeavastoath,utteredathreatofsomecharacter,whichI
didnotpreciselycomprehend,andfinallymademealowbowanddeparted,wishingme,inthe
languageofthearchbishopin"GilBias,"beaucoupdebonheuretunpeuplusdebonsens.
Hisdepartureaffordedmerelief.TheveryfewglassesofLafittethatIhadsippedhadtheeffectof
renderingmedrowsy,andIfeltinclinedtotakeanapofsomefifteenortwentyminutes,asismy
customafterdinner.AtsixIhadanappointmentofconsequence,whichitwasquiteindispensable
thatIshouldkeep.Thepolicyofinsuranceformydwellinghousehadexpiredthedaybeforeand
somedisputehavingarisenitwasagreedthat,atsix,Ishouldmeettheboardofdirectorsofthe
companyandsettlethetermsofarenewal.Glancingupwardattheclockonthemantelpiece(forIfelt
toodrowsytotakeoutmywatch),IhadthepleasuretofindthatIhadstilltwentyfiveminutesto
spare.ItwashalfpastfiveIcouldeasilywalktotheinsuranceofficeinfiveminutesandmyusual
siestashadneverbeenknowntoexceedfiveandtwenty.Ifeltsufficientlysafe,therefore,and
composedmyselftomyslumbersforthwith.
Havingcompletedthemtomysatisfaction,Iagainlookedtowardthetimepiece,andwashalfinclined
tobelieveinthepossibilityofoddaccidentswhenIfoundthat,insteadofmyordinaryfifteenor
twentyminutes,Ihadbeendozingonlythreeforitstillwantedsevenandtwentyoftheappointed
hour.Ibetookmyselfagaintomynap,andatlengthasecondtimeawoke,when,tomyutter
amazement,itstillwantedtwentysevenminutesofsix.Ijumpeduptoexaminetheclock,andfound
thatithadceasedrunning.Mywatchinformedmethatitwashalfpastsevenand,ofcourse,having
slepttwohours,Iwastoolateformyappointment."Itwillmakenodifference,"Isaid:"Icancallat
theofficeinthemorningandapologizeinthemeantimewhatcanbethematterwiththeclock?"
UponexaminingitIdiscoveredthatoneoftheraisinstemswhichIhadbeenfilipingabouttheroom
duringthediscourseoftheAngeloftheOddhadflownthroughthefracturedcrystal,andlodging,
singularlyenough,inthekeyhole,withanendprojectingoutward,hadthusarrestedtherevolutionof
theminutehand.
"Ah!"saidI,"Iseehowitis.Thisthingspeaksforitself.Anaturalaccident,suchaswillhappennow
andthen!"
Igavethematternofurtherconsideration,andatmyusualhourretiredtobed.Here,havingplaceda
candleuponareadingstandatthebedhead,andhavingmadeanattempttoperusesomepagesofthe
OmnipresenceoftheDeity,Iunfortunatelyfellasleepinlessthantwentyseconds,leavingthelight
burningasitwas.
MydreamswereterrificallydisturbedbyvisionsoftheAngeloftheOdd.Methoughthestoodatthe
footofthecouch,drewasidethecurtains,andinthehollow,detestabletonesofarumpuncheon,
menacedmewiththebitterestvengeanceforthecontemptwithwhichIhadtreatedhim.He
concludedalongharanguebytakingoffhisfunnelcap,insertingthetubeintomygullet,andthus
delugingmewithanoceanofKirschenwsser,whichhepouredinacontinuousflood,fromoneofthe
longneckedbottlesthatstoodhiminsteadofanarm.Myagonywasatlengthinsufferable,andI
awokejustintimetoperceivethatarathadrunoffwiththelightedcandlefromthestand,butnotin
seasontopreventhismakinghisescapewithitthroughthehole,Verysoonastrong,suffocatingodor
assailedmynostrilsthehouse,Iclearlyperceived,wasonfire.Inafewminutestheblazebrokeforth
21/170
2015.04.11.
withviolence,andinanincrediblybriefperiodtheentirebuildingwaswrappedinflames.Allegress
frommychamber,exceptthroughawindow,wascutoff.Thecrowd,however,quicklyprocuredand
raisedalongladder.BymeansofthisIwasdescendingrapidly,andinapparentsafety,whenahuge
hog,aboutwhoserotundstomach,andindeedaboutwhosewholeairandphysiognomy,therewas
somethingwhichremindedmeoftheAngeloftheOddwhenthishog,Isay,whichhithertohad
beenquietlyslumberinginthemud,tookitsuddenlyintohisheadthathisleftshoulderneeded
scratching,andcouldfindnomoreconvenientrubbingpostthanthataffordedbythefootofthe
ladder.InaninstantIwasprecipitated,andhadthemisfortunetofracturemyarm.
Thisaccident,withthelossofmyinsurance,andwiththemoreseriouslossofmyhair,thewholeof
whichhadbeensingedoffbythefire,predisposedmetoseriousimpressions,sothatfinallyImadeup
mymindtotakeawife.Therewasarichwidowdisconsolateforthelossofherseventhhusband,and
toherwoundedspiritIofferedthebalmofmyvows.Sheyieldedareluctantconsenttomyprayers.I
kneltatherfeetingratitudeandadoration.Sheblushedandbowedherluxurianttressesintoclose
contactwiththosesuppliedmetemporarilybyGrandjean.Iknownothowtheentanglementtook
placebutsoitwas.Iarosewithashiningpate,wiglesssheindisdainandwrath,halfburiedinalien
hair.Thusendedmyhopesofthewidowbyanaccidentwhichcouldnothavebeenanticipated,tobe
sure,butwhichthenaturalsequenceofeventshadbroughtabout.
Withoutdespairing,however,Iundertookthesiegeofalessimplacableheart.Thefateswereagain
propitiousforabriefperiod,butagainatrivialincidentinterfered.Meetingmybetrothedinanavenue
throngedwiththeeliteofthecity,Iwashasteningtogreetherwithoneofmybestconsideredbows,
whenasmallparticleofsomeforeignmatterlodginginthecornerofmyeyerenderedmeforthe
momentcompletelyblind.BeforeIcouldrecovermysight,theladyofmylovehaddisappeared
irreparablyaffrontedatwhatshechosetoconsidermypremeditatedrudenessinpassingherby
ungreeted.WhileIstoodbewilderedatthesuddennessofthisaccident(whichmighthavehappened,
nevertheless,toanyoneunderthesun),andwhileIstillcontinuedincapableofsight,Iwasaccosted
bytheAngeloftheOdd,whoprofferedmehisaidwithacivilitywhichIhadnoreasontoexpect.He
examinedmydisorderedeyewithmuchgentlenessandskill,informedmethatIhadadropinit,and
(whatevera"drop"was)tookitout,andaffordedmerelief.
Inowconsideredithightimetodie(sincefortunehadsodeterminedtopersecuteme),and
accordinglymademywaytothenearestriver.Here,divestingmyselfofmyclothes(forthereisno
reasonwhywecannotdieaswewereborn),Ithrewmyselfheadlongintothecurrentthesolewitness
ofmyfatebeingasolitarycrowthathadbeenseducedintotheeatingofbrandysaturatedcorn,andso
hadstaggeredawayfromhisfellows.NosoonerhadIenteredthewaterthanthisbirdtookitintohis
headtoflyawaywiththemostindispensableportionofmyapparel.Postponing,therefore,forthe
present,mysuicidaldesign,Ijustslippedmynetherextremitiesintothesleevesofmycoat,and
betookmyselftoapursuitofthefelonwithallthenimblenesswhichthecaserequiredandits
circumstanceswouldadmit.Butmyevildestinyattendedmestill.AsIranatfullspeed,withmynose
upintheatmosphere,andintentonlyuponthepurloinerofmyproperty,Isuddenlyperceivedthatmy
feetrestednolongeruponterrafirmathefactis,Ihadthrownmyselfoveraprecipice,andshould
inevitablyhavebeendashedtopiecesbutformygoodfortuneingraspingtheendofalongguide
rope,whichdependedfromapassingballoon.
AssoonasIsufficientlyrecoveredmysensestocomprehendtheterrificpredicamentinwhichI
stood,orratherhung,Iexertedallthepowerofmylungstomakethatpredicamentknowntothe
aeronautoverhead.ButforalongtimeIexertedmyselfinvain.Eitherthefoolcouldnot,orthe
villainwouldnotperceiveme.Meanwhilethemachinerapidlysoared,whilemystrengthevenmore
rapidlyfailed.Iwassoonuponthepointofresigningmyselftomyfate,anddroppingquietlyintothe
sea,whenmyspiritsweresuddenlyrevivedbyhearingahollowvoicefromabove,whichseemedto
belazilyhumminganoperaair.Lookingup,IperceivedtheAngeloftheOdd.Hewasleaning,with
hisarmsfolded,overtherimofthecarandwithapipeinhismouth,atwhichhepuffedleisurely,
seemedtobeuponexcellenttermswithhimselfandtheuniverse.Iwastoomuchexhaustedtospeak,
22/170
2015.04.11.
soImerelyregardedhimwithanimploringair.
Forseveralminutes,althoughhelookedmefullintheface,hesaidnothing.Atlength,removing
carefullyhismeerschaumfromtherighttotheleftcornerofhismouth,hecondescendedtospeak.
"Whopeyou,"heasked,"undwhatderteuffelyoupedodare?"
Tothispieceofimpudence,cruelty,andaffectation,Icouldreplyonlybyejaculatingthe
monosyllable"Help!"
"Elp!"echoedtheruffian,"notI.Dareiztepottleelpyourself,undpetam'd!"
WiththesewordsheletfallaheavybottleofKirschenwsser,which,droppingpreciselyuponthe
crownofmyhead,causedmetoimaginethatmybrainswereentirelyknockedout.Impressedwith
thisideaIwasabouttorelinquishmyholdandgiveuptheghostwithagoodgrace,whenIwas
arrestedbythecryoftheAngel,whobademeholdon.
"'Oldon!"hesaid:"don'tpeinte'urrydon't.Willyoupetakedeodderpottle,or'aveyoupegot
zoberyet,andcometoyourzenzes?"
Imadehaste,hereupon,tonodmyheadtwiceonceinthenegative,meaningtherebythatIwould
prefernottakingtheotherbottleatpresentandonceintheaffirmative,intendingthustoimplythatI
wassoberandhadpositivelycometomysenses.BythesemeansIsomewhatsoftenedtheAngel.
"Undyoupelief,ten,"heinquired,"attelast?Youpelief,ten,intepossibilityofteodd?"
Iagainnoddedmyheadinassent.
"Undyouavepeliefinme,teAngelofteOdd?"
Inoddedagain.
"Undyouacknowledgetatyoupeteblinddronkundtevool?"
Inoddedoncemore.
"Putyourrighthandintoyourleftpreechespocket,ten,intokenovyourvullzubmizzionuntote
AngelovteOdd."
Thisthing,forveryobviousreasons,Ifounditquiteimpossibletodo.Inthefirstplace,myleftarm
hadbeenbrokeninmyfallfromtheladder,andtherefore,hadIletgomyholdwiththerighthandI
musthaveletgoaltogether.Inthesecondplace,IcouldhavenobreechesuntilIcameacrossthe
crow.Iwasthereforeobliged,muchtomyregret,toshakemyheadinthenegative,intendingthusto
givetheAngeltounderstandthatIfounditinconvenient,justatthatmoment,tocomplywithhisvery
reasonabledemand!Nosooner,however,hadIceasedshakingmyheadthan
"Gotoderteuffel,ten!"roaredtheAngeloftheOdd.
InpronouncingthesewordshedrewasharpknifeacrosstheguideropebywhichIwassuspended,
andaswethenhappenedtobepreciselyovermyownhouse(which,duringmyperegrinations,had
beenhandsomelyrebuilt),itsooccurredthatItumbledheadlongdowntheamplechimneyandalit
uponthediningroomhearth.
Uponcomingtomysenses(forthefallhadverythoroughlystunnedme)Ifounditaboutfouro'clock
inthemorning.IlayoutstretchedwhereIhadfallenfromtheballoon.Myheadgroveledintheashes
ofanextinguishedfire,whilemyfeetreposeduponthewreckofasmalltable,overthrown,andamid
23/170
2015.04.11.
thefragmentsofamiscellaneousdessert,intermingledwithanewspaper,somebrokenglassesand
shatteredbottles,andanemptyjugoftheSchiedamKirschenwsser.Thusrevengedhimselfthe
AngeloftheOdd.
THESCHOOLMASTER'SPROGRESS
ByCarolineM.S.Kirkland(18011864)
[FromTheGiftfor1845,publishedlatein1844.Republishedinthevolume,WesternClearings
(1845),byCarolineM.S.Kirkland.]
MasterWilliamHornercametoourvillagetoschoolwhenhewasabouteighteenyearsold:tall,lank,
straightsided,andstraighthaired,withamouthofthemostpuckeredandsolemnkind.Hisfigureand
movementswerethoseofapuppetcutoutofshingleandjerkedbyastringandhisaddress
correspondedverywellwithhisappearance.Neverdidthatprimmouthgivewaybeforealaugh.A
faintandmistysmilewasthewidestdeparturefromitspropriety,andthisunaccustomeddisturbance
madewrinklesintheflat,skinnycheekslikethoseinthesurfaceofalake,aftertheintrusionofa
stone.MasterHornerknewwellwhatbelongedtothepedagogicalcharacter,andthatfacialsolemnity
stoodhighonthelistofindispensablequalifications.Hehadmadeuphismindbeforehelefthis
father'shousehowhewouldlookduringtheterm.Hehadnotplannedanysmiles(knowingthathe
must"boardround"),anditwasnotforordinaryoccurrencestoalterhisarrangementssothatwhen
hewasbetrayedintoarelaxationofthemuscles,itwas"insuchasort"asifhewasputtinghisbread
andbutterinjeopardy.
Trulyhehadagravetimethatfirstwinter.Therodofpowerwasnewtohim,andhefeltithis"duty"
touseitmorefrequentlythanmighthavebeenthoughtnecessarybythoseuponwhosesensethe
privilegehadpalled.Tearsandsulkyfaces,andimpotentfistsdoubledfiercelywhenhisbackwas
turned,weretherewardsofhisconscientiousnessandtheboysandgirlstooweregladwhen
workingtimecameroundagain,andthemasterwenthometohelphisfatheronthefarm.
ButwiththeautumncameMasterHorneragain,droppingamongusasquietlyasthefadedleaves,
andawakeningatleastasmuchseriousreflection.Wouldhebeasselfsacrificingasbefore,
postponinghisowneaseandcomforttothepublicgood,orwouldhehavebecomemoresedentary,
andlessfondofcircumambulatingtheschoolroomwithaswitchoverhisshoulder?Manywerefain
tohopehemighthavelearnedtosmokeduringthesummer,anaccomplishmentwhichwould
probablyhavemoderatedhisenergynotalittle,anddisposedhimrathertoreveriethantoaction.But
herehewas,andallthebroaderchestedandstouterarmedforhislaborsintheharvestfield.
LetitnotbesupposedthatMasterHornerwasofacruelandogrishnatureababeeateraHerod
onewhodelightedintorturingthehelpless.Suchsoulstheremaybe,amongthoseendowedwiththe
awfulcontroloftheferule,buttheyarerareinthefreshandnaturalregionswedescribe.Itis,we
believe,whereyounggentlemenaretobecrammedforcollege,thattheprocessofhardeningheart
andskintogethergoesonmostvigorously.Yetamongtheuneducatedthereissohigharespectfor
bodilystrength,thatitisnecessaryfortheschoolmastertoshow,firstofall,thathepossessesthis
inadmissiblerequisiteforhisplace.Therestismorereadilytakenforgranted.Brainshemayhavea
strongarmhemusthave:soheprovesthemoreimportantclaimfirst.Wemustthereforemakealldue
allowanceforMasterHorner,whocouldnotbeexpectedtoovertophispositionsofarastodiscernat
oncethephilosophyofteaching.
Hewassadlybrowbeatenduringhisfirsttermofservicebyagreatbroadshoulderedloutofsome
eighteenyearsorso,whothoughtheneededalittlemore"schooling,"butatthesametimefeltquite
competenttodirectthemannerandmeasureofhisattempts.
24/170
2015.04.11.
"You'doughttobeginwithlargehand,Joshuay,"saidMasterHornertothisyouth.
"WhatshouldIwantcoarsehandfor?"saidthedisciple,withgreatcontempt"coarsehandwon't
neverdomenogood.Iwantafinehandcopy."
Themasterlookedattheinfantgiant,anddidashewished,butwesaynotwithwhatsecret
resolutions.
Atanothertime,MasterHorner,havinghadahintfromsomeonemoreknowingthanhimself,
proposedtohiselderscholarstowriteafterdictation,expatiatingatthesametimequitefloridly(the
ideashavingbeensuppliedbytheknowingfriend),upontheadvantageslikelytoarisefromthis
practice,andsaying,amongotherthings,
"Itwillhelpyou,whenyouwriteletters,tospellthewordsgood."
"Pooh!"saidJoshua,"spellin'ain'tnothin'letthemthatfindsthemistakescorrect'em.I'mforevery
one'shavin'awayoftheirown."
"Howdaredyoubesosaucytothemaster?"askedoneofthelittleboys,afterschool.
"BecauseIcouldlickhim,easy,"saidthehopefulJoshua,whoknewverywellwhythemasterdidnot
undertakehimonthespot.
CanwewonderthatMasterHornerdeterminedtomakehisempiregoodasfarasitwent?
Anewexaminationwasrequiredontheentranceintoasecondterm,and,withwhateversecret
trepidation,themasterwasobligedtosubmit.Ourlawprescribesexaminations,butforgetstoprovide
forthecompetencyoftheexaminerssothatfewbetterfarcesofferthanthecourseofquestionand
answerontheseoccasions.WeknownotpreciselywhatwereMasterHorner'strialsbutwehave
heardofasharpdisputebetweentheinspectorswhetherangelspeltangleorangel.Anglehadit,
andtheschoolmaintainedthatpronunciationeverafter.MasterHornerpassed,andhewasrequested
todrawupthecertificatefortheinspectorstosign,asonehadlefthisspectaclesathome,andthe
otherhadabadcold,sothatitwasnotconvenientforeithertowritemorethanhisname.Master
Homer'sexhibitionoflearningonthisoccasiondidnotreachus,butweknowthatitmusthavebeen
considerable,sincehestoodtheordeal.
"Whatisorthography?"saidaninspectoronce,inourpresence.
Thecandidatewrithedagooddeal,studiedthebeamsoverheadandthechickensoutofthewindow,
andthenreplied,
"ItissolongsinceIlearntthefirstpartofthespellingbook,thatIcan'tjustlyanswerthatquestion.
ButifIcouldjustlookitover,IguessIcould."
Ourschoolmasterentereduponhissecondtermwithnewcourageandinvigoratedauthority.Twice
certified,whoshoulddaredoubthiscompetency?EvenJoshuawascivil,andlesserloutsofcourse
obsequiousthoughthegirlstookmoreliberties,fortheyfeelevenatthatearlyage,thatinfluenceis
strongerthanstrength.
Couldayoungschoolmasterthinkofferulingagirlwithherhairinringletsandagoldringonher
finger?Impossibleandtheimmunityextendedtoallthelittlesistersandcousinsandtherewere
enoughlargegirlstoprotectallthefemininepartoftheschool.WiththeboysMasterHornerstillhad
manyabattle,andwhetherwithaviewtothis,orasaneconomicalruse,heneverworehiscoatin
school,sayingitwastoowarm.Perhapsitwasanastuteattentiontotheprejudicesofhisemployers,
wholovenomanthatdoesnotearnhislivingbythesweatofhisbrow.Theshirtsleevesgavethe
ideaofamanuallaborschoolinonesenseatleast.Itwasevidentthatthemasterworked,andthat
25/170
2015.04.11.
affordedaprobabilitythatthescholarsworkedtoo.
MasterHorner'ssuccesswasmosttriumphantthatwinter.Ayear'sgrowthhadimprovedhisoutward
manexceedingly,fillingoutthelimbssothattheydidnotremindyousoforciblyofayoungcolt's,
andsupplyingthecheekswiththefleshandbloodsonecessarywheremustacheswerenotworn.
Experiencehadgivenhimadegreeofconfidence,andconfidencegavehimpower.Inshort,people
saidthemasterhadwakedupandsohehad.Heactuallysetaboutreadingforimprovementand
althoughattheendofthetermhecouldnotquitemakeoutfromhishistoricalstudieswhichside
Hannibalwason,yetthisisreadilyexplainedbythefactthatheboardedround,andwasobligedto
readgenerallybyfirelight,surroundedbyungovernedchildren.
Afterthis,MasterHornermadehisownbargain.Whenschooltimecameroundwiththefollowing
autumn,andtheteacherpresentedhimselfforathirdexamination,suchatestwaspronouncedno
longernecessaryandthedistrictconsentedtoengagehimattheastoundingrateofsixteendollarsa
month,withtheunderstandingthathewastohaveafixedhome,providedhewaswillingtoallowa
dollaraweekforit.MasterHornerbethoughthimofthesuccessive"killingtimes,"andconsequent
doughnutsofthetwentyfamiliesinwhichhehadsojournedtheyearsbefore,andconsentedtothe
exaction.
Beholdourfriendnowashighasdistrictteachercaneverhopetobehisscholarshipestablished,his
homestationaryandnotrevolving,andthegoodbehaviorofthecommunityinsuredbythefactthat
he,beingofage,hadnowafarmtoretireuponincaseofanydisgust.
MasterHornerwasatoncethepreminentbeauoftheneighborhood,spiteoftheprejudiceagainst
learning.Hebrushedhishairstraightupinfront,andworeaskyblueribbonforaguardtohissilver
watch,andwalkedasifthetallheelsofhisbluntbootswereeggshellsandnotleather.Yethewasfar
fromneglectingthedutiesofhisplace.HewasbeauonlyonSundaysandholidaysveryschoolmaster
therestofthetime.
Itwasata"spellingschool"thatMasterHornerfirstmettheeducatedeyesofMissHarrietBangle,a
youngladyvisitingtheEnglehartsinourneighborhood.ShewasfromoneofthetownsinWestern
NewYork,andhadbroughtwithheravarietyofcityairsandgracessomewhatcaricatured,setoff
withyearoldFrenchfashionsmuchtravestied.Whethershehadbeensentouttothenewcountryto
try,somewhatlate,arusticchanceforanestablishment,orwhetherhercompanyhadbeenfound
rathertryingathome,wecannotsay.Theviewwhichshewasatsomepainstomakeunderstoodwas,
thatherfriendshadcontrivedthismethodofkeepingheroutofthewayofadesperateloverwhose
addresseswerenotacceptabletothem.
Ifitshouldseemsurprisingthatsohighbredavisitorshouldbesojourninginthewildwoods,itmust
berememberedthatmorethanonecelebratedEnglishmanandnotafewdistinguishedAmericans
havefarmerbrothersinthewesterncountry,nowhitlessrusticintheirexteriorandmanneroflife
thantheplainestoftheirneighbors.Whenthesearevisitedbytheirrefinedkinsfolk,weofthewoods
catchglimpsesofthegayworld,orthinkwedo.
Thatgreatmedicinehath
Withitstinctgilded
manyavulgarismtothesatisfactionofwiserheadsthanours.
MissBangle'smannerbespokeforherthathighconsiderationwhichshefelttobeherdue.Yetshe
condescendedtobeamusedbytherusticsandtheirawkwardattemptsatgaietyandeleganceand,to
saytruth,fewofthevillagemerrymakingsescapedher,thoughsheworealwaystheairofgreat
superiority.
Thespellingschoolisoneoftheordinarywinteramusementsinthecountry.Itoccursonceina
26/170
2015.04.11.
fortnight,orso,andhaspowertodrawoutalltheyoungpeopleformilesround,arrayedintheirbest
clothesandtheirholidaybehavior.Whenallisready,umpiresareelected,andafterthesehavetaken
thedistinguishedplaceusuallyoccupiedbytheteacher,theyoungpeopleoftheschoolchoosethe
twobestscholarstoheadtheopposingclasses.Theseleaderschoosetheirfollowersfromthemass,
eachcallinganameinturn,untilallthespellersarerankedononesideortheother,liningthesidesof
theroom,andallstanding.Theschoolmaster,standingtoo,takeshisspellingbook,andgivesaplacid
yetaweinspiringlookalongtheranks,remarkingthatheintendstobeveryimpartial,andthathe
shallgiveoutnothingthatisnotinthespellingbook.Forthefirsthalfhourorsohechoosescommon
andeasywords,thatthespiritoftheeveningmaynotbedampedbythetooearlythinningofthe
classes.Whenawordismissed,theblundererhastositdown,andbeaspectatoronlyfortherestof
theevening.Atcertainintervals,someofthebestspeakersmounttheplatform,and"speakapiece,"
whichisgenerallyasdeclamatoryaspossible.
Theexcitementofthissceneisequaltothataffordedbyanycityspectaclewhateverandtowardsthe
closeoftheevening,whendifficultandunusualwordsarechosentoconfoundthesmallnumberwho
stillkeepthefloor,itbecomesscarcelylessthanpainful.Whenperhapsonlyoneortworemaintobe
puzzled,themaster,wearyatlastofhistask,thoughafavoriteone,triesbytrickstoputdownthose
whomhecannotovercomeinfairfight.Ifamongallthecurious,useless,unheardofwordswhich
maybepickedoutofthespellingbook,hecannotfindonewhichthescholarshavenotnoticed,he
getsthelastheaddownbysomequiporcatch."Bay"willperhapsbethesoundonescholarspellsit
"bey,"another,"bay,"whilethemasterallthetimemeans"ba,"whichcomeswithintherule,beingin
thespellingbook.
Itwasononeoftheseoccasions,aswehavesaid,thatMissBangle,havingcometothespelling
schooltogetmaterialsforalettertoafemalefriend,firstshoneuponMr.Horner.Shewas
excessivelyamusedbyhissolemnairandpuckeredmouth,andsethimdownatonceasfairgame.
Yetshecouldnothelpbecomingsomewhatinterestedinthespellingschool,andafteritwasover
foundshehadnotstoreduphalfasmanyoftheschoolmaster'spointsassheintended,forthebenefit
ofhercorrespondent.
Intheevening'scontestayounggirlfromsomefewmiles'distance,EllenKingsbury,theonlychildof
asubstantialfarmer,hadbeentheverylasttositdown,afteraprolongedeffortonthepartofMr.
Hornertopuzzleher,forthecreditofhisownschool.Sheblushed,andsmiled,andblushedagain,but
spelton,untilMr.Horner'scheekswerecrimsonwithexcitementandsometouchofshamethathe
shouldbebaffledathisownweapons.Atlength,eitherbyaccidentordesign,Ellenmissedaword,
andsinkingintoherseatwasnumberedwiththeslain.
Inthelaughandtalkwhichfollowed(forwiththeconclusionofthespelling,allformofapublic
assemblyvanishes),ourschoolmastersaidsomanygallantthingstohisfairenemy,andappearedso
muchanimatedbytheexcitementofthecontest,thatMissBanglebegantolookuponhimwithrather
morerespect,andtofeelsomewhatindignantthatalittlerusticlikeEllenshouldabsorbtheentire
attentionoftheonlybeau.Sheputon,therefore,hermostgraciousaspect,andmingledinthecircle
causedtheschoolmastertobepresentedtoher,anddidherbesttofascinatehimbycertainairsand
graceswhichshehadfoundsuccessfulelsewhere.Whatgameistoosmallfortheclosewovennetof
acoquette?
Mr.HornerquittednotthefairEllenuntilhehadhandedherintoherfather'ssleighandhethen
wendedhiswayhomewards,neverthinkingthatheoughttohaveescortedMissBangletoheruncle's,
thoughshecertainlywaitedalittlewhileforhisreturn.
Wemustnotfollowintoparticularsthesubsequentintercourseofourschoolmasterwiththecivilized
younglady.AllthatconcernsusistheresultofMissBangle'sbenevolentdesignsuponhisheart.She
triedmostsincerelytofinditsvulnerablespot,meaningnodoubttoputMr.Homeronhisguardfor
thefutureandshewasunfeignedlysurprisedtodiscoverthatherbesteffortswereofnoavail.She
concludedhemusthavetakenacounterpoison,andshewasnotslowinguessingitssource.Shehad
27/170
2015.04.11.
observedthepeculiarfirewhichlighteduphiseyesinthepresenceofEllenKingsbury,andshe
bethoughtherofaplanwhichwouldensurehersomeamusementattheexpenseoftheseimpertinent
rustics,thoughinamannerdifferentsomewhatfromheroriginalmorenaturalideaofsimple
coquetry.
AletterwaswrittentoMasterHorner,purportingtocomefromEllenKingsbury,wordedsoartfully
thattheschoolmasterunderstoodatoncethatitwasintendedtobeasecretcommunication,thoughits
ostensibleobjectwasaninquiryaboutsomeordinaryaffair.ThiswaslaidinMr.Horner'sdeskbefore
hecametoschool,withanintimationthathemightleaveananswerinacertainspotonthefollowing
morning.Thebaittookatonce,forMr.Horner,honestandtruehimself,andmuchsmittenwiththe
fairEllen,wastoohappytobecircumspect.Theanswerwasdulyplaced,andasdulycarriedtoMiss
Banglebyheraccomplice,JoeEnglehart,anunluckypicklewho"wasalwaysforill,neverforgood,"
andwhofoundnodifficultyinobtainingtheletterunwatched,sincethemasterwasobligedtobein
schoolatnine,andJoecouldalwayslingerafewminuteslater.Thisanswerbeingopenedand
laughedat,MissBanglehadonlytocontrivearejoinder,whichbeingrathermoreparticularinits
tonethantheoriginalcommunication,ledonyetagainthehappyschoolmaster,whobranchedoutinto
sentiment,"taffetaphrases,silkentermsprecise,"talkedofhillsanddalesandrivulets,andthe
pleasuresoffriendship,andconcludedbyentreatingacontinuanceofthecorrespondence.
Anotherletterandanother,everyonemoreflatteringandencouragingthanthelast,almostturnedthe
soberheadofourpoormaster,andwarmeduphisheartsoeffectuallythathecouldscarcelyattendto
hisbusiness.Thespellingschoolswereremembered,however,andEllenKingsburymadeoneofthe
merrycompanybutthelatestletterhadnotforgottentocautionMr.Hornernottobetraythe
intimacysothathewasinhonorboundtorestricthimselftothelanguageoftheeyeshardasitwasto
forbearthesinglewhisperforwhichhewouldhavegivenhisverydictionary.So,theirmeeting
passedoffwithouttheexplanationwhichMissBanglebegantofearwouldcutshortherbenevolent
amusement.
Thecorrespondencewasresumedwithrenewedspirit,andcarriedonuntilMissBangle,thoughnot
overburdenedwithsensitiveness,begantobealittlealarmedfortheconsequencesofhermalicious
pleasantry.Sheperceivedthatsheherselfhadturnedschoolmistress,andthatMasterHorner,instead
ofbeingmerelyherdupe,hadbecomeherpupiltooforthestyleofhisreplieshadbeenconstantly
improvingandtheearnestandmanlytonewhichheassumedpromisedanythingbutthequiet,
sheepishpocketingofinjuryandinsult,uponwhichshehadcounted.Intruth,therewassomething
deeperthanvanityinthefeelingswithwhichheregardedEllenKingsbury.Theencouragementwhich
hesupposedhimselftohavereceived,threwdownthebarrierwhichhisextremebashfulnesswould
haveinterposedbetweenhimselfandanyonewhopossessedcharmsenoughtoattracthimandwe
mustexcusehimif,insuchacase,hedidnotcriticisethemodeofencouragement,butrathergrasped
eagerlytheprofferedgoodwithoutascruple,oronewhichhewouldowntohimself,astothe
proprietywithwhichitwastendered.Hewasasmuchinloveasamancanbe,andtheseriousnessof
realattachmentgavebothgraceanddignitytohisonceawkwarddiction.
TheevidentdeterminationofMr.HornertocometothepointofaskingpapabroughtMissBangleto
averyawkwardpass.Shehadexpectedtoreturnhomebeforemattershadproceededsofar,butbeing
obligedtoremainsometimelonger,shewasequallyafraidtogoonandtoleaveoff,adnouement
beingalmostcertaintoensueineithercase.Thingsstoodthuswhenitwastimetoprepareforthe
grandexhibitionwhichwastoclosethewinter'sterm.
Thisisanaffairoftoomuchmagnitudetobefullydescribedinthesmallspaceyetremainingin
whichtobringoutourveracioushistory.Itmustbe"slubber'do'erinhaste"itsimportant
preliminarieslefttothecoldimaginationofthereaderitsfinespiritperhapsevaporatingforwantof
beingembodiedinwords.Wecanonlysaythatourmaster,whoseschoollifewastoclosewiththe
term,laboredasmanneverbeforelaboredinsuchacause,resolutetotrailacloudofgloryafterhim
whenheleftus.Notacandlesticknoracurtainthatwasattainable,eitherbycoaxingorbribery,was
leftinthevillageeventheonlypiano,thatfrailtreasure,waswiledawayandplacedinonecornerof
28/170
2015.04.11.
thericketystage.ThemostsplendidofallthepiecesintheColumbianOrator,theAmericanSpeaker,
thebutwemustnotenumerateinaword,themostastoundingandpatheticspecimensof
eloquencewithinkenofeitherteacherorscholars,hadbeenselectedfortheoccasionandseveral
youngladiesandgentlemen,whoseacademicalcoursehadbeenhappilyconcludedatanearlier
period,eitheratourowninstitutionoratsomeother,hadconsentedtolendthemselvestotheparts,
andtheirchoicestdecorationsfortheproperties,ofthedramaticportionoftheentertainment.
AmongtheselastwasprettyEllenKingsbury,whohadagreedtopersonatetheQueenofScots,inthe
gardenscenefromSchiller'stragedyofMaryStuartandthiscircumstanceaccidentallyafforded
MasterHornertheopportunityhehadsolongdesired,ofseeinghisfascinatingcorrespondentwithout
thepresenceofpeeringeyes.Adressrehearsaloccupiedtheafternoonbeforethedayofdays,andthe
patheticexpostulationsofthelovelyMary
Minealldothhangmylifemydestiny
Uponmywordsupontheforceoftears!
aidedbythelongveil,andtheemotionwhichsympathybroughtintoEllen'scountenance,provedtoo
muchfortheenforcedprudenceofMasterHorner.Whentherehearsalwasover,andtheheroesand
heroinesweretoreturnhome,itwasfoundthat,byastrokeofwittyinventionnotnewinthecountry,
theharnessofMr.Kingsbury'shorseshadbeencutinseveralplaces,hiswhiphidden,hisbuffalo
skinsspreadontheground,andthesleighturnedbottomupwardsonthem.Thisaffordedanexcuse
forthemaster'sborrowingahorseandsleighofsomebody,andclaimingtheprivilegeoftakingMiss
Ellenhome,whileherfatherreturnedwithonlyAuntSallyandagreatbagofbranfromthemill
companionsaboutequallyinteresting.
Here,then,wasthegoldenopportunitysolongwishedfor!Herewasthepowerofascertainingat
oncewhatisneverquitecertainuntilwehavehearditfromwarm,livinglips,whosetestimonyis
strengthenedbyglancesinwhichthewholesoulspeaksorseemstospeak.Thetimewasshort,for
thesleighingwasbuttoofineandFatherKingsbury,havingtieduphisharness,andcollectedhis
scatteredequipment,wasdrivingsoclosebehindthattherewasnopossibilityoflingeringfora
moment.YetmanymomentswerelostbeforeMr.Horner,verymuchinearnest,andallunhackneyed
inmattersofthissort,couldfindawordinwhichtoclothehisnewfoundfeelings.Thehorseseemed
toflythedistancewashalfpastandatlength,inabsolutedespairofanythingbetter,heblurtedout
atoncewhathehaddeterminedtoavoidadirectreferencetothecorrespondence.
Agameatcrosspurposesensuedexclamationsandexplanations,anddenialsandapologiesfilledup
thetimewhichwastohavemadeMasterHornersoblest.ThelightfromMr.Kingsbury'swindows
shoneuponthepath,andthewholeresultofthisconferencesolongedfor,wasaburstoftearsfrom
theperplexedandmortifiedEllen,whosprangfromMr.Horner'sattemptstodetainher,rushedinto
thehousewithoutvouchsafinghimawordofadieu,andlefthimstanding,nobadpersonificationof
Orpheus,afterthelasthopelessflittingofhisEurydice.
"Won'tyou'light,Master?"saidMr.Kingsbury.
"Yesnothankyougoodevening,"stammeredpoorMasterHorner,sostupefiedthatevenAunt
Sallycalledhim"adummy."
Thehorsetookthesleighagainstthefence,goinghome,andthrewoutthemaster,whoscarcely
recollectedtheaccidentwhiletoEllentheissueofthisunfortunatedrivewasasleeplessnightandso
highafeverinthemorningthatourvillagedoctorwascalledtoMr.Kingsbury'sbeforebreakfast.
PoorMasterHorner'sdistressmayhardlybeimagined.Disappointed,bewildered,cuttothequick,yet
asmuchinloveasever,hecouldonlyinbittersilenceturnoverinhisthoughtstheissueofhis
cherisheddreamnowpersuadinghimselfthatEllen'sdenialwastheeffectofasuddenbashfulness,
nowinveighingagainsttheficklenessofthesex,asallmendowhentheyareangrywithanyone
29/170
2015.04.11.
womaninparticular.Buthisexhibitionmustgooninspiteofwretchednessandhewentabout
mechanically,talkingofcurtainsandcandles,andmusic,andattitudes,andpauses,andemphasis,
lookinglikeasomnambulistwhose"eyesareopenbuttheirsenseisshut,"andoftensurprisingthose
concernedbytheutterunfitnessofhisanswers.
ItwasalmosteveningwhenMr.Kingsbury,havingdiscovered,throughtheinterventionoftheDoctor
andAuntSallythecauseofEllen'sdistress,madehisappearancebeforetheunhappyeyesofMaster
Horner,angry,solemnanddeterminedtakingtheschoolmasterapart,andrequiring,anexplanationof
histreatmentofhisdaughter.Invaindidtheperplexedloveraskfortimetoclearhimself,declarehis
respectforMissEllenandhiswillingnesstogiveeveryexplanationwhichshemightrequirethe
fatherwasnottobeputoffandthoughexcessivelyreluctant,Mr.Hornerhadnoresourcebuttoshow
theletterswhichalonecouldaccountforhisstrangediscoursetoEllen.Heunlockedhisdesk,slowly
andunwillingly,whiletheoldman'simpatiencewassuchthathecouldscarcelyforbearthrustingin
hisownhandtosnatchatthepaperswhichweretoexplainthisvexatiousmystery.Whatcouldequal
theutterconfusionofMasterHornerandthecontemptuousangerofthefather,whennoletterswere
tobefound!Mr.Kingsburywastoopassionatetolistentoreason,ortoreflectforonemomentupon
theirreproachablegoodnameoftheschoolmaster.Hewentawayininexorablewraththreatening
everypracticablevisitationofpublicandprivatejusticeupontheheadoftheoffender,whomhe
accusedofhavingattemptedtotrickhisdaughterintoanentanglementwhichshouldresultinhis
favor.
Adolefulexhibitionwasthislastoneofourthriceapprovedandmostworthyteacher!Sternnecessity
andthepowerofhabitenabledhimtogothroughwithmostofhispart,butwherewastheproudfire
whichhadlighteduphiseyeonsimilaroccasionsbefore?Hesatasoneofthreejudgesbeforewhom
theunfortunateRobertEmmetwasdraggedinhisshirtsleeves,bytwofiercelookingofficialsbut
thechiefjudgelookedfarmorelikeacriminalthandidtheproperrepresentative.Heoughttohave
personatedOthello,butwasobligedtoexcusehimselffromravingfor"thehandkerchief!the
handkerchief!"ontheratheranomalouspleaofabadcold.MaryStuartbeing"i'thebond,"was
anxiouslyexpectedbytheimpatientcrowd,anditwaswithdistressamountingtoagonythatthe
masterwasobligedtoannounce,inperson,thenecessityofomittingthatpartoftherepresentation,on
accountoftheillnessofoneoftheyoungladies.
Scarcelyhadthewordsbeenuttered,andthespeakerhiddenhisburningfacebehindthecurtain,when
Mr.Kingsburystartedupinhisplaceamidthethrong,togiveapublicrecitalofhisgrievanceno
uncommonresortinthenewcountry.Hedashedatoncetothepointandbeforesomefriendswho
sawtheutterimproprietyofhisproceedingcouldpersuadehimtodeferhisvengeance,hehadlaid
beforetheassemblysomethreehundredpeople,perhapshisownstatementofthecase.Hewas
gotoutatlast,halfcoaxed,halfhustledandthegentlepubliconlyhalfunderstandingwhathadbeen
setforththusunexpectedly,madequiteaprettyrowofit.Someclamoredloudlyfortheconclusionof
theexercisesothersgaveutterancesinnoparticularlychoicetermstoavarietyofopinionsastothe
schoolmaster'sproceedings,varyingthenoteoccasionallybyshouting,"Theletters!theletters!why
don'tyoubringouttheletters?"
Atlength,bymeansofmuchrappingonthedeskbythepresidentoftheevening,whowasfortunately
a"popular"character,orderwaspartiallyrestoredandthefavoritescenefromMissMore'sdialogue
ofDavidandGoliathwasannouncedastheclosingpiece.ThesightoflittleDavidinawhitetunic
edgedwithredtape,withacalicoscripandaveryprimitivelookingslingandahugeGoliath
decoratedwithamilitiabeltandsword,andaspearlikeaweaver'sbeamindeed,enchained
everybody'sattention.Eventhepeccantschoolmasterandhispretendedletterswereforgotten,while
thesapientGoliath,everytimethatheraisedthespear,intheenergyofhisdeclamation,tothump
uponthestage,pickedawayfragmentsofthelowceiling,whichfellconspicuouslyonhisgreatshock
ofblackhair.Atlast,withthecrowningthreat,upwentthespearforanastoundingthump,anddown
camealargepieceoftheceiling,andwithitashowerofletters.
Theconfusionthatensuedbeggarsalldescription.Ageneralscrambletookplace,andinanother
30/170
2015.04.11.
momenttwentypairsofeyes,atleast,werefeastingonthechoicephraseslavisheduponMr.Horner.
MissBanglehadsatthroughthewholepreviousscene,tremblingforherself,althoughshehad,asshe
supposed,guardedcunninglyagainstexposure.Shehadneedednoprophettotellherwhatmustbe
theresultofattettebetweenMr.HornerandEllenandthemomentshesawthemdriveoff
together,sheinducedherimptoseizetheopportunityofabstractingthewholeparceloflettersfrom
Mr.Horner'sdeskwhichhedidbymeansofasortofskillwhichcomesbynaturetosuchgoblins
pickingthelockbytheaidofacrookednail,asneatlyasifhehadbeenbornwithintheshadowofthe
Tombs.
Butmagicianssometimessufferseverelyfromthemalicewithwhichtheyhavethemselvesinspired
theirfamiliars.JoeEngleharthavingbeenaconvenienttoolthusfarthoughtitquitetimetotorment
MissBanglealittleso,havingstolenthelettersatherbidding,hehidthemonhisownaccount,and
nopersuasionsofherscouldinducehimtorevealthisimportantsecret,whichhechosetoreserveasa
rodincasesherefusedhimsomeintercessionwithhisfather,orsomeotheraccommodation,rendered
necessarybyhismischievoushabits.
Hehadconcealedthepreciousparcelsintheunflooredloftabovetheschoolroom,aplaceaccessible
onlybymeansofasmalltrapdoorwithoutstaircaseorladderandherehemeanttohavekeptthem
whileitsuitedhispurposes,butfortheuntimelyintrusionoftheweaver'sbeam.
MissBanglehadsatthroughall,aswehavesaid,thinkingtheletterssafe,yetvowingvengeance
againstherconfederatefornotallowinghertosecurethembyasatisfactoryconflagrationanditwas
notuntilsheheardherownnamewhisperedthroughthecrowd,thatshewasawakenedtohertrue
situation.Thesagacityofthelowcreatureswhomshehaddespisedshowedthematoncethatthe
lettersmustbehers,sincehercharacterhadbeenprettyshrewdlyguessed,andthehandwritingworea
morepractisedairthanisusualamongfemalesinthecountry.Thiswasfirsttakenforgranted,and
thenspokenofasanacknowledgedfact.
Theassemblymovedliketheheavingsofatroubledsea.Everybodyfeltthatthiswaseverybody's
business."Putherout!"washeardfrommorethanoneroughvoicenearthedoor,andthiswas
respondedtobyloudandangrymurmursfromwithin.
Mr.Englehart,notwaitingtoinquireintothemeritsofthecaseinthissceneofconfusion,hastenedto
gethisfamilyoutasquietlyandasquicklyaspossible,butgroansandhissesfollowedhisnieceasshe
hunghalffaintingonhisarm,quailingcompletelybeneaththeinstinctiveindignationoftherustic
public.Asshepassedout,ayellresoundedamongtherudeboysaboutthedoor,andshewaslifted
intoasleigh,insensiblefromterror.Shedisappearedfromthatevening,andnooneknewthetimeof
herfinaldeparturefor"theeast."
Mr.Kingsbury,whoisajustmanwhenheisnotinapassion,madeallthereparationinhispowerfor
hisharshandillconsideredattackuponthemasterandwebelievethatfunctionarydidnotshowany
traitsofimplacabilityofcharacter.Atleasthewasseen,notmanydaysafter,sittingpeaceablyattea
withMr.Kingsbury,AuntSally,andMissEllenandhehassincegonehometobuildahouseupon
hisfarm.Andpeopledosay,thatafterafewmonthsmore,EllenwillnotneedMissBangle's
interventionifsheshouldseefittocorrespondwiththeschoolmaster.
THEWATKINSONEVENING
[FromGodey'sLady'sBook,December,1846.]
ByElizaLeslie(17871858)
31/170
2015.04.11.
Mrs.Morland,apolishedandaccomplishedwoman,wasthewidowofadistinguishedsenatorfrom
oneofthewesternstates,ofwhich,also,herhusbandhadtwicefilledtheofficeofgovernor.Her
daughterhavingcompletedhereducationatthebestboardingschoolinPhiladelphia,andherson
beingabouttograduateatPrinceton,themotherhadplannedwithherchildrenatourtoNiagaraand
thelakes,returningbywayofBoston.OnleavingPhiladelphia,Mrs.Morlandandthedelighted
CarolinestoppedatPrincetontobepresentattheannualcommencement,andhadthehappinessof
seeingtheirbelovedEdwardreceivehisdiplomaasbachelorofartsafterhearinghimdeliver,with
greatapplause,anorationonthebeautiesoftheAmericancharacter.Collegeyouthsareveryproneto
treatonsubjectsthatimplygreatexperienceoftheworld.ButEdwardMorlandwasfullofkind
feelingforeverythingandeverybodyandhisviewsoflifehadhithertobeentintedwithaperpetual
rosecolor.
Mrs.Morland,notdependingaltogetheruponthecelebrityofherlatehusband,andwishingthather
childrenshouldseespecimensofthebestsocietyinthenortherncities,hadlefthomewithnumerous
lettersofintroduction.ButwhentheyarrivedatNewYork,shefoundtohergreatregret,thathaving
unpackedandtakenouthersmalltravelingdesk,duringhershortstayinPhiladelphia,shehad
strangelyleftitbehindintheclosetofherroomatthehotel.Inthisdeskweredepositedallherletters,
excepttwowhichhadbeenofferedtoherbyfriendsinPhiladelphia.Theyoungpeople,impatientto
seethewondersofNiagara,hadentreatedhertostaybutadayortwointhecityofNewYork,and
thoughtthesetwoletterswouldbequitesufficientforthepresent.Inthemeantimeshewrotebackto
thehotel,requestingthatthemissingdeskshouldbeforwardedtoNewYorkassoonaspossible.
OnthemorningaftertheirarrivalatthegreatcommercialmetropolisofAmerica,theMorlandfamily
tookacarriagetorideroundthroughtheprincipalpartsofthecity,andtodelivertheirtwolettersat
thehousestowhichtheywereaddressed,andwhichwerebothsituatedintheregionthatliesbetween
theupperpartofBroadwayandtheNorthRiver.Inoneofthemostfashionablestreetstheyfoundthe
elegantmansionofMrs.St.Leonardbutonstoppingatthedoor,wereinformedthatitsmistresswas
notathome.Theythenlefttheintroductoryletter(whichtheyhadpreparedforthismischance,by
enclosingitinanenvelopewithacard),andproceedingtoanotherstreetconsiderablyfartherup,they
arrivedatthedwellingoftheWatkinsonfamily,tothemistressofwhichtheotherPhiladelphialetter
wasdirected.Itwasoneofalargeblockofhousesallexactlyalike,andallshutupfromtopto
bottom,accordingtoacustommoreprevalentinNewYorkthaninanyothercity.
Heretheywerealsounsuccessfultheservantwhocametothedoortellingthemthattheladieswere
particularlyengagedandcouldseenocompany.Sotheylefttheirsecondletterandcardanddrove
off,continuingtheirridetilltheyreachedtheCrotonwaterworks,whichtheyquittedthecarriageto
seeandadmire.Onreturningtothehotel,withtheintentionafteranhourortwoofresttogoout
again,andwalktillneardinnertime,theyfoundwaitingthemanotefromMrs.Watkinson,
expressingherregretthatshehadnotbeenabletoseethemwhentheycalledandexplainingthather
familydutiesalwaysobligedhertodenyherselfthepleasureofreceivingmorningvisitors,andthat
herservantshadgeneralorderstothateffect.Butsherequestedtheircompanyforthatevening
(namingnineo'clockasthehour),andparticularlydesiredanimmediateanswer.
"Isuppose,"saidMrs.Morland,"sheintendsaskingsomeofherfriendstomeetus,incaseweaccept
theinvitationandthereforeisnaturallydesirousofareplyassoonaspossible.Ofcoursewewillnot
keepherinsuspense.Mrs.Denham,whovolunteeredtheletter,assuredmethatMrs.Watkinsonwas
oneofthemostestimablewomeninNewYork,andapatterntothecircleinwhichshemoved.It
seemsthatMr.DenhamandMr.Watkinsonareconnectedinbusiness.Shallwego?"
Theyoungpeopleassented,sayingtheyhadnodoubtofpassingapleasantevening.
Thebilletofacceptancehavingbeenwritten,itwassentoffimmediately,entrustedtooneofthe
errandgoersbelongingtothehotel,thatitmightbereceivedinadvanceofthenexthourforthe
dispatchpostandEdwardMorlanddesiredthemantogetintoanomnibuswiththenotethatno
timemightbelostindeliveringit."Itisbutright"saidhetohismother"thatweshouldgiveMrs.
32/170
2015.04.11.
Watkinsonanampleopportunityofmakingherpreparations,andsendingroundtoinviteherfriends."
"Howconsiderateyouare,dearEdward"saidCaroline"alwayssothoughtfulofeveryone's
convenience.Yourcollegefriendsmusthaveidolizedyou."
"No"saidEdward"theycalledmeaprig."Justthenaremarkablyhandsomecarriagedroveupto
theprivatedoorofthehotel.Fromitalightedaveryelegantwoman,whoinafewmomentswas
usheredintothedrawingroombytheheadwaiter,andonhisdesignatingMrs.Morland'sfamily,she
advancedandgracefullyannouncedherselfasMrs.St.Leonard.Thiswastheladyatwhosehouse
theyhadleftthefirstletterofintroduction.Sheexpressedregretatnothavingbeenathomewhen
theycalledbutsaidthatonfindingtheirletter,shehadimmediatelycomedowntoseethem,andto
engagethemfortheevening."Tonight"saidMrs.St.Leonard"IexpectasmanyfriendsasIcan
collectforasummerparty.Theoccasionistherecentmarriageofmyniece,whowithherhusband
hasjustreturnedfromtheirbridalexcursion,andtheywillbesoonontheirwaytotheirresidencein
Baltimore.IthinkIcanpromiseyouanagreeableevening,asIexpectsomeverydelightfulpeople,
withwhomIshallbemosthappytomakeyouacquainted."
EdwardandCarolineexchangedglances,andcouldnotrefrainfromlookingwistfullyattheirmother,
onwhosecountenanceashadeofregretwasveryapparent.AfterashortpausesherepliedtoMrs.St.
Leonard"Iamtrulysorrytosaythatwehavejustansweredintheaffirmativeapreviousinvitation
forthisveryevening."
"Iamindeeddisappointed"saidMrs.St.Leonard,whohadbeenlookingapprovinglyatthe
prepossessingappearanceofthetwoyoungpeople."Istherenowayinwhichyoucanrevokeyour
compliancewiththisunfortunatefirstinvitationatleast,Iamsure,itisunfortunateforme.Whata
vexatiouscontretempsthatIshouldhavechancedtobeoutwhenyoucalledthusmissingthepleasure
ofseeingyouatonce,andsecuringthatofyoursocietyforthisevening?Thetruthis,Iwas
disappointedinsomeofthepreparationsthathadbeensenthomethismorning,andIhadtogomyself
andhavethethingsrectified,andwasdetainedawaylongerthanIexpected.MayIasktowhomyou
areengagedthisevening?PerhapsIknowtheladyifso,Ishouldbeverymuchtemptedtogoand
begyoufromher."
"TheladyisMrs.JohnWatkinson"repliedMrs.Morland"mostprobablyshewillinvitesomeof
herfriendstomeetus."
"Thatofcourse"answeredMrs.St.Leonard"IamreallyverysorryandIregrettosaythatIdo
notknowheratall."
"Weshallhavetoabidebyourfirstdecision,"saidMrs.Morland."ByMrs.Watkinson,mentioningin
hernotethehourofnine,itistobepresumedsheintendsaskingsomeothercompany.Icannot
possiblydisappointher.Icanspeakfeelinglyastotheannoyance(forIhaveknownitbymyown
experience)whenafterinvitinganumberofmyfriendstomeetsomestrangers,thestrangershave
sentanexcusealmostattheeleventhhour.Ithinknoinducements,howeverstrong,couldtemptmeto
dosomyself."
"Iconfessthatyouareperfectlyright,"saidMrs.St.Leonard."IseeyoumustgotoMrs.Watkinson.
Butcanyounotdividetheevening,bypassingapartofitwithherandthenfinishingwithme?"
Atthissuggestiontheeyesoftheyoungpeoplesparkled,fortheyhadbecomedelightedwithMrs.St.
Leonard,andimaginedthatapartyatherhousemustbeeverywaycharming.Also,partieswere
noveltiestobothofthem.
"Ifpossiblewewilldoso,"answeredMrs.Morland,"andwithwhatpleasureIneednotassureyou.
WeleaveNewYorktomorrow,butweshallreturnthiswayinSeptember,andwillthenbe
exceedinglyhappytoseemoreofMrs.St.Leonard."
33/170
2015.04.11.
AfteralittlemoreconversationMrs.St.Leonardtookherleave,repeatingherhopeofstillseeingher
newfriendsatherhousethatnightandenjoiningthemtoletherknowassoonastheyreturnedto
NewYorkontheirwayhome.
EdwardMorlandhandedhertohercarriage,andthenjoinedhismotherandsisterintheir
commendationsofMrs.St.Leonard,withwhoseexceedingbeautywereunitedacountenance
beamingwithintelligence,andamannerthatputeveryoneattheireaseimmediately.
"Sheisanevidence,"saidEdward,"howsuperiorourwomenoffashionaretothoseofEurope."
"Wait,mydearson,"saidMrs.Morland,"tillyouhavebeeninEurope,andhadanopportunityof
forminganopiniononthatpoint(asonmanyothers)fromactualobservation.Formypart,Ibelieve
thatinallcivilizedcountriestheupperclassesofpeopleareverymuchalike,atleastintheirleading
characteristics."
"Ah!herecomesthemanthatwassenttoMrs.Watkinson,"said
CarolineMorland."Ihopehecouldnotfindthehouseandhasbrought
thenotebackwithhim.WeshallthenbeabletogoatfirsttoMrs.
St.Leonard's,andpassthewholeeveningthere."
Themanreportedthathehadfoundthehouse,andhaddeliveredthenoteintoMrs.Watkinson'sown
hands,asshechancedtobecrossingtheentrywhenthedoorwasopenedandthatshereadit
immediately,andsaid"Verywell."
"Areyoucertainthatyoumadenomistakeinthehouse,"saidEdward,"andthatyoureallydidgiveit
toMrs.Watkinson?"
"Andit'squitesureIam,sir,"repliedtheman,"whenIfirstcameoverfromtheouldcountryIlived
withthemawhile,andthoughwhenshesawmetoday,shedidnotletonthatsherememberedmy
doingthatsame,shecouldnothelpcallingmeJames.Yes,theralewordsshesaidwhenIhandedher
thebillyduxwas,'Verywell,James.'"
"Come,come,"saidEdward,whentheyfoundthemselvesalone,"letuslookonthebrightside.Ifwe
donotfindalargepartyatMrs.Watkinson's,wemayinallprobabilitymeetsomeveryagreeable
peoplethere,andenjoythefeastofreasonandtheflowofsoul.WemayfindtheWatkinsonhouseso
pleasantastoleaveitwithregretevenforMrs.St.Leonard's."
"IdonotbelieveMrs.Watkinsonisinfashionablesociety,"saidCaroline,"orMrs.St.Leonardwould
haveknownher.IheardsomeoftheladiesheretalkinglasteveningofMrs.St.Leonard,andIfound
fromwhattheysaidthatsheisamongtheliteofthelite."
"Evenifsheis,"observedMrs.Morland,"arepolishofmannersandcultivationofmindconfined
exclusivelytopersonsofthatclass?"
"Certainlynot,"saidEdward,"themosttalentedandrefinedyouthatourcollege,andheinwhose
societyIfoundthegreatestpleasure,wasthesonofabricklayer."
Intheladies'drawingroom,afterdinner,theMorlandsheardaconversationbetweenseveralofthe
femaleguests,whoallseemedtoknowMrs.St.Leonardverywellbyreputation,andtheytalkedof
herpartythatwasto"comeoff"onthisevening.
"Ihear,"saidonelady,"thatMrs.St.Leonardistohaveanunusualnumberoflions."
Shethenproceededtonameagallantgeneral,withhiselegantwifeandaccomplisheddaughtera
celebratedcommanderinthenavytwohighlydistinguishedmembersofCongress,andevenanex
president.AlsoseveralofthemosteminentamongtheAmericanliterati,andtwofirstrateartists.
34/170
2015.04.11.
EdwardMorlandfeltasifhecouldsay,"HadIthreeearsI'dhearthee."
"SuchawomanasMrs.St.Leonardcanalwayscommandthebestlionsthataretobefound,"
observedanotherlady.
"Andthen,"saidathird,"Ihavebeentoldthatshehassuchexquisitetasteinlightingand
embellishingheralwayselegantrooms.Andhersuppertable,whetherforsummerorwinterparties,is
sobeautifullyarrangedalltheviandsaresodelicious,andtheattendanceoftheservantssoperfect
andMrs.St.Leonarddoesthehonorswithsomucheaseandtact."
"Somefriendsofminethatvisither,"saidafourthlady,"describeherpartiesasabsoluteperfection.
Shealwaysmanagestobringtogetherthosepersonsthatarebestfittedtoenjoyeachother's
conversation.Stillnooneisoverlookedorneglected.Theneverythingatherreunionsissowell
proportionedshehasjustenoughofmusic,andjustenoughofwhateveramusementmayaddtothe
pleasureofherguestsandstillthereisnoappearanceofdesignormanagementonherpart."
"Andbetterthanall,"saidtheladywhohadspokenfirsts"Mrs.St.Leonardisoneofthekindest,most
generous,andmostbenevolentofwomenshedoesgoodineverypossibleway."
"Icanlistennolonger,"saidCarolinetoEdward,risingtochangeherseat."IfIhearanymoreIshall
absolutelyhatetheWatkinsons.Howprovokingthattheyshouldhavesentusthefirstinvitation.Ifwe
hadonlythoughtofwaitingtillwecouldhearfromMrs.St.Leonard!"
"Forshame,Caroline,"saidherbrother,"howcanyoutalksoofpersonsyouhaveneverseen,andto
whomyououghttofeelgratefulforthekindnessoftheirinvitationevenifithasinterferedwith
anotherparty,thatImustconfessseemstoofferunusualattractions.NowIhaveapresentimentthat
weshallfindtheWatkinsonpartoftheeveningveryenjoyable."
Assoonasteawasover,Mrs.Morlandandherdaughterrepairedtotheirtoilettes.Fortunately,
fashionaswellasgoodtaste,hasdecidedthat,atasummerparty,thecostumeoftheladiesshould
nevergobeyondanelegantsimplicity.Thereforeourtwoladiesinpreparingfortheirintended
appearanceatMrs.St.Leonard's,wereenabledtoattirethemselvesinamannerthatwouldnotseem
outofplaceinthesmallercompanytheyexpectedtomeetattheWatkinsons.Overanunderdressof
lawn,CarolineMorlandputonawhiteorgandytrimmedwithlace,anddecoratedwithbowsofpink
ribbon.Atthebackofherheadwasawreathoffreshandbeautifulpinkflowers,tiedwithasimilar
ribbon.Mrs.Morlandworeablackgrenadineoverasatin,andalacecaptrimmedwithwhite.
Itwasbutaquarterpastnineo'clockwhentheircarriagestoppedattheWatkinsondoor.Thefrontof
thehouselookedverydark.NotaraygleamedthroughtheVenetianshutters,andtheglimmerbeyond
thefanlightoverthedoorwasalmostimperceptible.Afterthecoachmanhadrungseveraltimes,an
Irishgirlopenedthedoor,cautiously(asIrishgirlsalwaysdo),andadmittedthemintotheentry,
whereonelightonlywasburninginabranchlamp."Shallwegoupstairs?"saidMrs.Morland."And
whatforwouldyegoupstairs?"saidthegirlinaperttone."It'salldarkthere,andthere'sno
preparations.Yecanlaveyourthingshereahangingontherack.Itisapartyye'reexpecting?Blessed
arethemwhatexpectsnothing."
ThesanguineEdwardMorlandlookedratherblankatthisintelligence,andhissisterwhisperedto
him,"We'llgetofftoMrs.St.Leonard'sassoonaswepossiblycan.Whendidyoutellthecoachman
tocomeforus?"
"Athalfpastten,"wasthebrother'sreply.
"Oh!Edward,Edward!"sheexclaimed,"AndIdaresayhewillnotbepunctual.Hemaykeepushere
tilleleven."
35/170
2015.04.11.
"Courage,mesenfants,"saidtheirmother,"etparlezplusdoucement."
Thegirlthenusheredthemintothebackparlor,saying,"Here'sthecompany."
Theroomwaslargeandgloomy.Achecqueredmatcoveredthefloor,andallthefurniturewas
encasedinstripedcalicocovers,andthelamps,mirrors,etc.concealedundergreengauze.Thefront
parlorwasentirelydark,andinthebackapartmentwasnootherlightthanashadedlamponalarge
centretable,roundwhichwasassembledacircleofchildrenofallsizesandages.Onabackless,
cushionlesssofasatMrs.Watkinson,andayounglady,whomsheintroducedasherdaughterJane.
AndMrs.MorlandinreturnpresentedEdwardandCaroline.
"Willyoutaketherockingchair,ma'am?"inquiredMrs.Watkinson.
Mrs.Morlanddecliningtheoffer,thehostesstookitherself,andseesawedonitnearlythewhole
time.Itwasaveryawkward,highlegged,crouchbackedrockingchair,andshamefullyunprovided
withanythingintheformofafootstool.
"Myhusbandisaway,atBoston,onbusiness,"saidMrs.Watkinson."Ithoughtatfirst,ma'am,I
shouldnotbeabletoaskyouherethisevening,foritisnotourwaytohavecompanyinhisabsence
butmydaughterJaneoverpersuadedmetosendforyou."
"Whatapity,"thoughtCaroline.
"Youmusttakeusasyoufindus,ma'am,"continuedMrs.Watkinson."Weusenoceremonywith
anybodyandourruleisnevertoputourselvesoutoftheway.Wedonotgiveparties[lookingatthe
dressesoftheladies].Ourfirstdutyistoourchildren,andwecannotwasteoursubstanceonfashion
andfolly.They'llhavecausetothankusforitwhenwedie."
Somethinglikeasobwasheardfromthecentretable,atwhichthechildrenweresitting,andaboy
wasseentoholdhishandkerchieftohisface.
"Joseph,mychild,"saidhismother,"donotcry.Youhavenoidea,ma'am,whatanextraordinaryboy
thatis.Youseehowthebarementionofsuchathingasourdeathshasovercomehim."
Therewasanothersobbehindthehandkerchief,andtheMorlandsthoughtitnowsoundedverymuch
likeasmotheredlaugh.
"AsIwassaying,ma'am,"continuedMrs.Watkinson,"wenevergiveparties.Weleaveallsinful
thingstothevainandfoolish.MydaughterJanehasbeentellingme,thatsheheardthismorningofa
partythatisgoingontonightatthewidowSt.Leonard's.Itisonlyfifteenyearssinceherhusband
died.Hewascarriedoffwithathreedays'illness,buttwomonthsaftertheyweremarried.Ihavehad
adomesticthatlivedwiththematthetime,soIknowallaboutit.Andtheresheisnow,livinginan
eleganthouse,andridinginhercarriage,anddressinganddashing,andgivingparties,andenjoying
life,asshecallsit.Poorcreature,howIpityher!Thankheaven,nobodythatIknowgoestoher
parties.IftheydidIwouldneverwishtoseethemagaininmyhouse.Itisanencouragementtofolly
andnonsenseandfollyandnonsensearesinful.Donotyouthinkso,ma'am?"
"Ifcarriedtoofartheymaycertainlybecomeso,"repliedMrs.
Morland.
"Wehaveheard,"saidEdward,"thatMrs.St.Leonard,thoughoneoftheornamentsofthegayworld,
hasakindheart,abeneficentspiritandaliberalhand."
"Iknowverylittleabouther,"repliedMrs.Watkinson,drawingupherhead,"andIhavenottheleast
desiretoknowanymore.Itiswellshehasnochildrenthey'dbelostsheepifbroughtupinherfold.
Formypart,ma'am,"shecontinued,turningtoMrs.Morland,"Iamquitesatisfiedwiththequietjoys
36/170
2015.04.11.
ofahappyhome.Andnomotherhastheleastbusinesswithanyotherpleasures.Myinnocentbabes
knownothingaboutplays,andballs,andpartiesandtheynevershall.Dotheylookasiftheyhad
beenaccustomedtoalifeofpleasure?"
Theycertainlydidnot!forwhentheMorlandstookaglanceatthem,theythoughttheyhadnever
seenyouthfulfacesthatwerelessgay,andindeedlessprepossessing.
Therewasnotagoodfeatureorapleasantexpressionamongthemall.EdwardMorlandrecollected
hishavingoftenread"thatchildhoodisalwayslovely."ButhesawthatthejuvenileWatkinsonswere
anexceptiontotherule.
"Thefirstdutyofamotheristoherchildren,"repeatedMrs.Watkinson."Tillnineo'clock,my
daughterJaneandmyselfareoccupiedeveryeveninginhearingthelessonsthattheyhavelearnedfor
tomorrow'sschool.Beforethathourwecanreceivenovisitors,andweneverhavecompanytotea,as
thatwouldinterferetoomuchwithourduties.Wehadjustfinishedhearingtheselessonswhenyou
arrived.Afterwardsthechildrenarepermittedtoindulgethemselvesinrationalplay,forIpermitno
amusementthatisnotalsoinstructive.Mychildrenaresowelltrained,thatevenwhenalonetheir
sportsarealwaysserious."
Twooftheboysglancedslylyateachother,withwhatEdwardMorlandcomprehendedasan
expressionofpitchpennyandmarbles.
"Theyarenowengagedattheirgameofastronomy,"continuedMrs.Watkinson."Theyhavealsoa
sortofgeographycards,andasetofmathematicalcards.Itisablesseddiscovery,theinventionof
theseeducationarygamessothateventheplaytimeofchildrencanbeturnedtoaccount.Andyou
havenoidea,ma'am,howtheyenjoythem."
JustthentheboyJosephrosefromthetable,andstalkinguptoMrs.
Watkinson,saidtoher,"Mamma,pleasetowhipme."
Atthisunusualrequestthevisitorslookedmuchamazed,andMrs.Watkinsonrepliedtohim,"Whip
you,mybestJosephforwhatcause?Ihavenotseenyoudoanythingwrongthisevening,andyou
knowmyanxietyinducesmetowatchmychildrenallthetime."
"Youcouldnotseeme,"answeredJoseph,"forIhavenotdoneanythingverywrong.ButIhavehada
badthought,andyouknowMr.Ironrulesaysthatafaultimaginedisjustaswickedasafault
committed."
"Yousee,ma'am,whatagoodmemoryhehas,"saidMrs.WatkinsonasidetoMrs.Morland."Butmy
bestJoseph,youmakeyourmothertremble.Whatfaulthaveyouimagined?Whatwasyourbad
thought?"
"Ay,"saidanotherboy,"what'syourthoughtlike?"
"Mythought,"saidJoseph,"was'Confoundallastronomy,andIcouldseethemanhangedthatmade
thisgame.'"
"Oh!mychild,"exclaimedthemother,stoppingherears,"Iamindeedshocked.Iamgladyou
repentedsoimmediately."
"Yes,"returnedJoseph,"butIamafraidmyrepentancewon'tlast.IfIamnotwhipped,Imayhave
thesebadthoughtswheneverIplayatastronomy,andworsestillatthegeographygame.Whipme,
ma,andpunishmeasIdeserve.There'stherattaninthecorner:I'llbringittoyoumyself."
"Excellentboy!"saidhismother."YouknowIalwayspardonmychildrenwhentheyaresocandidas
toconfesstheirfaults."
37/170
2015.04.11.
"Soyoudo,"saidJoseph,"butawhippingwillcuremebetter."
"Icannotresolvetopunishsoconscientiousachild,"saidMrs.
Watkinson.
"ShallItakethetroubleoffyourhands?"inquiredEdward,losingallpatienceinhisdisgustatthe
sanctimonioushypocrisyofthisyoungBlifil."Itissuchararityforaboytorequestawhipping,that
soremarkableadesireoughtbyallmeanstobegratified."
Josephturnedroundandmadeafaceathim.
"Givemetherattan,"saidEdward,halflaughing,andofferingtotakeitoutofhishand."I'lluseitto
yourfullsatisfaction."
Theboythoughtitmostprudenttostrideoffandreturntothetable,andensconcehimselfamonghis
brothersandsisterssomeofwhomwerestaringwithstupidsurpriseotherswerewhisperingand
gigglinginthehopeofseeingJosephgetarealflogging.
Mrs.WatkinsonhavingbestowedabitterlookonEdward,hastenedtoturntheattentionofhismother
tosomethingelse."Mrs.Morland,"saidshe,"allowmetointroduceyoutomyyoungesthope."She
pointedtoasleepyboyaboutfiveyearsold,whowithheadthrownbackandmouthwideopen,was
slumberinginhischair.
Mrs.Watkinson'schildrenwereofthatuncomfortablespecieswhonevergotobedatleastnever
withoutallmannerofresistance.Allherboastedauthoritywasinadequatetocompelthemtheynever
wouldconfessthemselvessleepyalwayswantedto"situp,"andtherewasanightlysceneof
scolding,coaxing,threateningandmanoeuvringtogetthemoff.
"Ideclare,"saidMrs.Watkinson,"dearBennyisalmostasleep.Shakehimup,Christopher.Iwant
himtospeakaspeech.Hisschoolmistresstakesgreatpainsinteachingherlittlepupilstospeak,and
standsupherselfandshowsthemhow."
Thechildhavingbeenshakenuphard(twoorthreeothershelpingChristopher),rubbedhiseyesand
begantowhine.Hismotherwenttohim,tookhimonherlap,hushedhimup,andbegantocoaxhim.
Thisdone,shestoodhimonhisfeetbeforeMrs.Morland,anddesiredhimtospeakaspeechforthe
company.Thechildputhisthumbintohismouth,andremainedsilent.
"Ma,"saidJaneWatkinson,"youhadbettertellhimwhatspeechtospeak."
"SpeakCatoorPlato,"saidhismother."Whichdoyoucallit?Comenow,Bennyhowdoesit
begin?'Youarequiterightandreasonable,Plato.'That'sit."
"SpeakLucius,"saidhissisterJane."Comenow,Bennysay'yourthoughtsareturnedonpeace.'"
Thelittleboylookedverymuchasiftheywerenot,andasifmeditatinganoutbreak.
"No,no!"exclaimedChristopher,"lethimsayHamlet.Comenow,
Benny'Tobeornottobe.'"
"Itain'ttobeatall,"criedBenny,"andIwon'tspeaktheleastbitofitforanyofyou.Ihatethat
speech!"
"Onlyseehisobstinacy,"saidthesolemnJoseph."Andishetobegivenupto?"
"Speakanything,Benny,"saidMrs.Watkinson,"anythingsothatitisonlyaspeech."
38/170
2015.04.11.
AlltheWatkinsonvoicesnowbegantoclamorviolentlyattheobstinatechild"Speakaspeech!
speakaspeech!speakaspeech!"Buttheyhadnomoreeffectthanthereiteratedexhortationswith
whichnursesconfusethepoorheadsofbabies,whentheyrequirethemto"shakeadaydayshakea
dayday!"
Mrs.Morlandnowinterfered,andbeggedthatthesleepylittleboymightbeexcusedonwhichhe
screamedoutthat"hewasn'tsleepyatall,andwouldnotgotobedever."
"Ineverknewanyofmychildrenbehavesobefore,"saidMrs.Watkinson."Theyarealwaysmodels
ofobedience,ma'am.Alookissufficientforthem.AndImustsaythattheyhaveineveryway
profitedbytheeducationwearegivingthem.Itisnotourway,ma'am,towasteourmoneyinparties
andfooleries,andfinefurnitureandfineclothes,andrichfood,andallsuchabominations.Ourfirst
dutyistoourchildren,andtomakethemlearneverythingthatistaughtintheschools.Iftheygo
wrong,itwillnotbeforwantofeducation.Hester,mydear,comeandtalktoMissMorlandin
French."
Hester(unlikeherlittlebrotherthatwouldnotspeakaspeech)steppedboldlyforward,andaddressed
CarolineMorlandwith:"ParlezvousFranais,mademoiselle?Commentsevamadamevotremre?
Aimezvouslamusique?Aimezvousladanse?Bonjourbonsoirbonrepos.Comprenezvous?"
Tothistirade,utteredwithgreatvolubility,MissMorlandmadenootherreplythan,"Ouije
comprens."
"Verywell,Hesterverywellindeed,"saidMrs.Watkinson."Yousee,ma'am,"turningtoMrs.
Morland,"howveryfluentsheisinFrenchandshehasonlybeenlearningelevenquarters."
AfterconsiderablewhisperingbetweenJaneandhermother,theformerwithdrew,andsentinbythe
Irishgirlawaiterwithabasketofsodabiscuit,apitcherofwater,andsomeglasses.Mrs.Watkinson
invitedhergueststoconsiderthemselvesathomeandhelpthemselvesfreely,saying:"Weneverlet
cakes,sweetmeats,confectionery,oranysuchthingsenterthehouse,astheywouldbevery
unwholesomeforthechildren,anditwouldbesinfultoputtemptationintheirway.Iamsure,ma'am,
youwillagreewithmethattheplainestfoodisthebestforeverybody.Peoplethatwantnicethings
maygotopartiesforthembuttheywillnevergetanywithme."
Whenthecollationwasover,andeverychildprovidedwithabiscuit,Mrs.WatkinsonsaidtoMrs.
Morland:"Now,ma'am,youshallhavesomemusicfrommydaughterJane,whoisoneofMr.
Bangwhanger'sbestscholars."
JaneWatkinsonsatdowntothepianoandcommencedapowerfulpieceofsixmortalpages,which
sheplayedoutoftimeandoutoftunebutwithtremendousforceofhandsnotwithstandingwhich,it
had,however,thegoodeffectofputtingmostofthechildrentosleep.
TotheMorlandstheeveninghadseemedalreadyfivehourslong.Stillitwasonlyhalfpasttenwhen
Janewasinthemidstofherpiece.Theguestshadalltacitlydeterminedthatitwouldbebestnottolet
Mrs.WatkinsonknowtheirintentiontogodirectlyfromherhousetoMrs.St.Leonard'spartyandthe
arrivaloftheircarriagewouldhavebeenthesignalofdeparture,evenifJane'spiecehadnotreached
itstermination.Theystoleglancesattheclockonthemantel.Itwantedbutaquarterofeleven,when
Janerosefromthepiano,andwascongratulatedbyhermotherontheexcellenceofhermusic.Stillno
carriagewasheardtostopnodoorbellwasheardtoring.Mrs.Morlandexpressedherfearsthatthe
coachmanhadforgottentocomeforthem.
"Hashebeenpaidforbringingyouhere?"askedMrs.Watkinson.
"Ipaidhimwhenwecametothedoor,"saidEdward."Ithoughtperhapshemightwantthemoneyfor
somepurposebeforehecameforus."
39/170
2015.04.11.
"Thatwasverykindinyou,sir,"saidMrs.Watkinson,"butnotverywise.There'snodependenceon
anycoachmanandperhapsashemaybesureofbusinessenoughthisrainynighthemaynevercome
atallbeingalreadypaidforbringingyouhere."
Now,thetruthwasthatthecoachmanhadcomeattheappointedtime,butthenoiseofJane'spiano
hadpreventedhisarrivalbeingheardinthebackparlor.TheIrishgirlhadgonetothedoorwhenhe
rangthebell,andrecognizedinhimwhatshecalled"anouldfriend."Justthenaladyandgentleman
whohadbeencaughtintheraincamerunningalong,andseeingacarriagedrawingupatadoor,the
gentlemaninquiredofthedriverifhecouldnottakethemtoRutgersPlace.Thedriverrepliedthathe
hadjustcomefortwoladiesandagentlemanwhomhehadbroughtfromtheAstorHouse.
"IndeedandPatrick,"saidthegirlwhostoodatthedoor,"ifIwasyouI'dbeaftermakinganother
pennytonight.MissJaneispoundingawayatoneofherlongmusicpieces,anditwon'tbeover
beforeyouhavetimetogettoRutgersandbackagain.Andifyoudomakethemwaitawhile,where's
theharm?They'veadryroofovertheirheads,andIwarrantit'snotthefirstwaitingthey'veeverhad
intheirlivesanditwon'tbethelastneither."
"Exactlyso,"saidthegentlemanandregardlessoftheproprietyoffirstsendingtoconsultthepersons
whohadengagedthecarriage,hetoldhiswifetostepin,andfollowingherinstantlyhimself,they
droveawaytoRutgersPlace.
Reader,ifyouwereeverdetainedinastrangehousebythenonarrivalofyourcarriage,youwill
easilyunderstandtheexcessiveannoyanceoffindingthatyouarekeepingafamilyoutoftheirbeds
beyondtheirusualhour.Andinthiscase,therewasadoublegrievancetheguestsbeingall
impatiencetogetofftoabetterplace.Thechildren,allcryingwhenwakenedfromtheirsleep,were
finallytakentobedbytwoservantmaids,andJaneWatkinson,whonevercamebackagain.None
wereleftbutHester,thegreatFrenchscholar,who,beingoneofthoseyoungimpsthatseemtohave
thefacultyoflivingwithoutsleep,satboltuprightwithhereyeswideopen,watchingthe
uncomfortablevisitors.
TheMorlandsfeltasiftheycouldbearitnolonger,andEdwardproposedsendingforanother
carriagetothenearestliverystable.
"Wedon'tkeepamannow,"saidMrs.Watkinson,whosatnoddingintherockingchair,attempting
nowandthenasnatchofconversation,andsaying"ma'am"stillmorefrequentlythanusual."Men
servantsaredreadfultrials,ma'am,andwegavethemupthreeyearsago.AndIdon'tknowhowMary
orKatyaretogooutthisstormynightinsearchofaliverystable."
"OnnoconsiderationcouldIallowthewomentodoso,"repliedEdward."Ifyouwillobligemeby
theloanofanumbrella,Iwillgomyself."
Accordinglyhesetoutonthisbusiness,butwasunsuccessfulattwoliverystables,thecarriagesbeing
allout.Atlasthefoundone,andwasdriveninittoMr.Watkinson'shouse,wherehismotherand
sisterwereawaitinghim,allquiteready,withtheircalashesandshawlson.Theygladlytooktheir
leaveMrs.Watkinsonrousingherselftohopetheyhadspentapleasantevening,andthattheywould
comeandpassanotherwithherontheirreturntoNewYork.Insuchcaseshowdifficultitistoreply
evenwithwhatarecalled"wordsofcourse."
Akitchenlampwasbroughttolightthemtothedoor,theentrylamphavinglongsincebeen
extinguished.Fortunatelytherainhadceasedthestarsbegantoreappear,andtheMorlands,when
theyfoundthemselvesinthecarriageandontheirwaytoMrs.St.Leonard's,feltasiftheycould
breatheagain.Asmaybesupposed,theyfreelydiscussedtheannoyancesoftheeveningbutnow
thosetroubleswereovertheyfeltratherinclinedtobemerryaboutthem.
"Dearmother,"saidEdward,"howIpitiedyouforhavingtoendureMrs.Watkinson'sperpetual
40/170
2015.04.11.
'ma'aming'and'ma'aming'forIknowyoudisliketheword."
"Iwish,"saidCaroline,"Iwasnotsopronetobetakenwithridiculousrecollections.Butreallyto
nightIcouldnotgetthatoldfoolishchild'splayoutofmyhead
HerecomethreeknightsoutofSpain
AcourtingofyourdaughterJane."
"IshallcertainlyneverbeoneofthoseSpanishknights,"saidEdward."HerdaughterJaneisinno
dangerofbeingruledbyany'flatteringtongue'ofmine.Butwhatashameforustobetalkingofthem
inthismanner."
TheydrovetoMrs.St.Leonard's,hopingtobeyetintimetopasshalfanhourtherethoughitwas
nowneartwelveo'clockandsummerpartiesnevercontinuetoaverylatehour.Butastheycameinto
thestreetinwhichshelivedtheyweremetbyanumberofcoachesontheirwayhome,andon
reachingthedoorofherbrilliantlylightedmansion,theysawthelastoftheguestsdrivingoffinthe
lastofthecarriages,andseveralmusicianscomingdownthestepswiththeirinstrumentsintheir
hands.
"Sotherehasbeenadance,then!"sighedCaroline."Oh,whatwehavemissed!Itisreallytoo
provoking."
"Soitis,"saidEdward"butrememberthattomorrowmorningwesetoffforNiagara."
"IwillleaveanoteforMrs.St.Leonard,"saidhismother,"explainingthatweweredetainedatMrs.
Watkinson'sbyourcoachmandisappointingus.Letusconsoleourselveswiththehopeofseeingmore
ofthisladyonourreturn.Andnow,dearCaroline,youmustdrawamoralfromtheuntowardevents
oftoday.Whenyouaremistressofahouse,andwishtoshowcivilitytostrangers,lettheinvitation
bealwaysaccompaniedwithafrankdisclosureofwhattheyaretoexpect.Andifyoucannot
convenientlyinvitecompanytomeetthem,tellthematoncethatyouwillnotinsistontheirkeeping
theirengagementwithyouifanythingoffersafterwardsthattheythinktheywouldpreferprovided
onlythattheyapprizeyouintimeofthechangeintheirplan."
"Oh,mamma,"repliedCaroline,"youmaybesureIshallalwaystakecarenottobetraymyvisitors
intoanengagementwhichtheymayhavecausetoregret,particularlyiftheyarestrangerswhosetime
islimited.Ishallcertainly,asyousay,tellthemnottoconsiderthemselvesboundtomeifthey
afterwardsreceiveaninvitationwhichpromisesthemmoreenjoyment.ItwillbealongwhilebeforeI
forget,theWatkinsonevening."
TITBOTTOM'SSPECTACLES
BYGEORGEWILLIAMCURTIS(18241892)
[FromPutnam'sMonthly,December,1854.Republishedinthevolume,PrueandI(1856),byGeorge
WilliamCurtis(Harper&Brothers).]
Inmymind'seye,Horatio.
PrueandIdonotentertainmuchourmeansforbidit.Intruth,otherpeopleentertainforus.Weenjoy
thathospitalityofwhichnoaccountismade.Weseetheshow,andhearthemusic,andsmellthe
flowersofgreatfestivities,tastingasitwerethedrippingsfromrichdishes.Ourowndinnerserviceis
remarkablyplain,ourdinners,evenonstateoccasions,arestrictlyinkeeping,andalmostouronly
41/170
2015.04.11.
guestisTitbottom.IbuyahandfulofrosesasIcomeupfromtheoffice,perhaps,andPruearranges
themsoprettilyinaglassdishforthecentreofthetablethatevenwhenIhavehurriedouttosee
Aureliastepintohercarriagetogoouttodine,Ihavethoughtthatthebouquetshecarriedwasnot
morebeautifulbecauseitwasmorecostly.Igrantthatitwasmoreharmoniouswithhersuperbbeauty
andherrichattire.AndIhavenodoubtthatifAureliaknewtheoldman,whomshemusthaveseen
sooftenwatchingher,andhiswife,whoornamentshersexwithasmuchsweetness,althoughwith
lesssplendor,thanAureliaherself,shewouldalsoacknowledgethatthenosegayofroseswasasfine
andfitupontheirtableasherownsumptuousbouquetisforherself.Ihavethatfaithintheperception
ofthatlovelylady.ItisatleastmyhabitIhopeImaysay,mynature,tobelievethebestofpeople,
ratherthantheworst.IfIthoughtthatallthissparklingsettingofbeautythisfinefashionthese
blazingjewelsandlustroussilksandairygauzes,embellishedwithgoldthreadedembroideryand
wroughtinathousandexquisiteelaborations,sothatIcannotseeoneofthoselovelygirlspassmeby
withoutthankingGodforthevisionifIthoughtthatthiswasall,andthatunderneathherlace
flouncesanddiamondbraceletsAureliawasasullen,selfishwoman,thenIshouldturnsadly
homewards,forIshouldseethatherjewelswereflashingscornupontheobjecttheyadorned,andthat
herlaceswereofamoreexquisitelovelinessthanthewomanwhomtheymerelytouchedwitha
superficialgrace.Itwouldbelikeagailydecoratedmausoleumbrighttosee,butsilentanddark
within.
"Greatexcellences,mydearPrue,"Isometimesallowmyselftosay,"lieconcealedinthedepthsof
character,likepearlsatthebottomofthesea.Underthelaughing,glancingsurface,howlittletheyare
suspected!Perhapsloveisnothingelsethanthesightofthembyoneperson.Henceeveryman's
mistressisapttobeanenigmatoeverybodyelse.IhavenodoubtthatwhenAureliaisengaged,
peoplewillsaythatsheisamostadmirablegirl,certainlybuttheycannotunderstandwhyanyman
shouldbeinlovewithher.Asifitwereatallnecessarythattheyshould!Andherlover,likeaboy
whofindsapearlinthepublicstreet,andwondersasmuchthatothersdidnotseeitasthathedid,
willtrembleuntilheknowshispassionisreturnedfeeling,ofcourse,thatthewholeworldmustbein
lovewiththisparagonwhocannotpossiblysmileuponanythingsounworthyashe."
"Ihope,therefore,mydearMrs.Prue,"Icontinuetosaytomywife,wholooksupfromherwork
regardingmewithpleasedpride,asifIweresuchanirresistiblehumorist,"youwillallowmeto
believethatthedepthmaybecalmalthoughthesurfaceisdancing.IfyoutellmethatAureliaisbuta
giddygirl,Ishallbelievethatyouthinkso.ButIshallknow,allthewhile,whatprofounddignity,and
sweetness,andpeacelieatthefoundationofhercharacter."
IsaysuchthingstoTitbottomduringthedullseasonattheoffice.AndIhaveknownhimsometimes
toreplywithakindofdry,sadhumor,notasifheenjoyedthejoke,butasifthejokemustbemade,
thathesawnoreasonwhyIshouldbedullbecausetheseasonwasso.
"AndwhatdoIknowofAureliaoranyothergirl?"hesaystomewiththatabstractedair."I,whose
Aureliaswereofanothercenturyandanotherzone."
Thenhefallsintoasilencewhichitseemsquiteprofanetointerrupt.Butaswesituponourhigh
stoolsatthedeskoppositeeachother,Ileaninguponmyelbowsandlookingathimhe,withsidelong
face,glancingoutofthewindow,asifitcommandedaboundlesslandscape,insteadofadim,dingy
officecourt,Icannotrefrainfromsaying:
"Well!"
Heturnsslowly,andIgochattingonalittletooloquacious,perhaps,aboutthoseyounggirls.ButI
knowthatTitbottomregardssuchanexcessasvenial,forhissadnessissosweetthatyoucould
believeitthereflectionofasmilefromlong,longyearsago.
Oneday,afterIhadbeentalkingforalongtime,andwehadputupourbooks,andwerepreparingto
leave,hestoodforsometimebythewindow,gazingwithadroopingintentness,asifhereallysaw
42/170
2015.04.11.
somethingmorethanthedarkcourt,andsaidslowly:
"Perhapsyouwouldhavedifferentimpressionsofthingsifyousawthemthroughmyspectacles."
Therewasnochangeinhisexpression.Hestilllookedfromthewindow,andIsaid:
"Titbottom,Ididnotknowthatyouusedglasses.Ihaveneverseenyouwearingspectacles."
"No,Idon'toftenwearthem.Iamnotveryfondoflookingthroughthem.Butsometimesan
irresistiblenecessitycompelsmetoputthemon,andIcannothelpseeing."Titbottomsighed.
"Isitsogrievousafate,tosee?"inquiredI.
"Yesthroughmyspectacles,"hesaid,turningslowlyandlookingatmewithwansolemnity.
Itgrewdarkaswestoodintheofficetalking,andtakingourhatswewentouttogether.Thenarrow
streetofbusinesswasdeserted.Theheavyironshuttersweregloomilyclosedoverthewindows.
Fromoneortwoofficesstruggledthedimgleamofanearlycandle,bywhoselightsomeperplexed
accountantsatbelated,andhuntingforhiserror.Acarelessclerkpassed,whistling.Butthegreattide
oflifehadebbed.Wehearditsroarfaraway,andthesoundstoleintothatsilentstreetlikethe
murmuroftheoceanintoaninlanddell.
"Youwillcomeanddinewithus,Titbottom?"
Heassentedbycontinuingtowalkwithme,andIthinkwewerebothgladwhenwereachedthe
house,andPruecametomeetus,saying:
"DoyouknowIhopedyouwouldbringMr.Titbottomtodine?"
Titbottomsmiledgently,andanswered:
"Hemighthavebroughthisspectacleswithhim,andIhavebeenahappiermanforit."
Pruelookedalittlepuzzled.
"Mydear,"Isaid,"youmustknowthatourfriend,Mr.Titbottom,isthehappypossessorofapairof
wonderfulspectacles.Ihaveneverseenthem,indeedand,fromwhathesays,Ishouldberather
afraidofbeingseenbythem.Mostshortsightedpersonsareverygladtohavethehelpofglassesbut
Mr.Titbottomseemstofindverylittlepleasureinhis."
"Itisbecausetheymakehimtoofarsighted,perhaps,"interrupted
Pruequietly,asshetookthesilversoupladlefromthesideboard.
Wesippedourwineafterdinner,andPruetookherwork.Canamanbetoofarsighted?Ididnotask
thequestionaloud.TheverytoneinwhichPruehadspokenconvincedmethathemight.
"Atleast,"Isaid,"Mr.Titbottomwillnotrefusetotellusthehistoryofhismysteriousspectacles.I
haveknownplentyofmagicineyes"andIglancedatthetenderblueeyesofPrue"butIhavenot
heardofanyenchantedglasses."
"Yetyoumusthaveseentheglassinwhichyourwifelookseverymorning,andItakeitthatglass
mustbedailyenchanted."saidTitbottom,withabowofquaintrespecttomywife.
IdonotthinkIhaveseensuchablushuponPrue'scheeksincewell,sinceagreatmanyyearsago.
"Iwillgladlytellyouthehistoryofmyspectacles,"beganTitbottom."ItisverysimpleandIamnot
43/170
2015.04.11.
atallsurethatagreatmanyotherpeoplehavenotapairofthesamekind.Ihavenever,indeed,heard
ofthembythegross,likethoseofouryoungfriend,Moses,thesonoftheVicarofWakefield.Infact,
Ithinkagrosswouldbequiteenoughtosupplytheworld.Itisakindofarticleforwhichthedemand
doesnotincreasewithuse.Ifweshouldallwearspectacleslikemine,weshouldneversmileany
more.OhIamnotquitesureweshouldallbeveryhappy."
"Averyimportantdifference,"saidPrue,countingherstitches.
"YouknowmygrandfatherTitbottomwasaWestIndian.Alargeproprietor,andaneasyman,he
baskedinthetropicalsun,leadinghisquiet,luxuriouslife.Helivedmuchalone,andwaswhatpeople
calleccentric,bywhichIunderstandthathewasverymuchhimself,and,refusingtheinfluenceof
otherpeople,theyhadtheirlittlerevenges,andcalledhimnames.Itisahabitnotexclusivelytropical.
IthinkIhaveseenthesamethingeveninthiscity.Buthewasgreatlybelovedmyblandand
bountifulgrandfather.Hewassolargeheartedandopenhanded.Hewassofriendly,andthoughtful,
andgenial,thatevenhisjokeshadtheairofgracefulbenedictions.Hedidnotseemtogrowold,and
hewasoneofthosewhoneverappeartohavebeenveryyoung.Heflourishedinaperennialmaturity,
animmortalmiddleage.
"Mygrandfatherlivedupononeofthesmallislands,St.Kit's,perhaps,andhisdomainextendedto
thesea.Hishouse,aramblingWestIndianmansion,wassurroundedwithdeep,spaciouspiazzas,
coveredwithluxuriouslounges,amongwhichonecapaciouschairwashispeculiarseat.Theytellme
heusedsometimestositthereforthewholeday,hisgreat,soft,browneyesfasteneduponthesea,
watchingthespecksofsailsthatflasheduponthehorizon,whiletheevanescentexpressionschased
eachotheroverhisplacidface,asifitreflectedthecalmandchangingseabeforehim.Hismorning
costumewasanampledressinggownofgorgeouslyfloweredsilk,andhismorningwasveryaptto
lastallday.
"Herarelyread,buthewouldpacethegreatpiazzaforhours,withhishandssunkeninthepocketsof
hisdressinggown,andanairofsweetreverie,whichanyauthormightbeveryhappytoproduce.
"Society,ofcourse,hesawlittle.Therewassomeslightapprehensionthatifhewerebiddentosocial
entertainmentshemightforgethiscoat,orarrivewithoutsomeotheressentialpartofhisdressand
thereisaslytraditionintheTitbottomfamilythat,havingbeeninvitedtoaballinhonorofthenew
governoroftheisland,mygrandfatherTitbottomsaunteredintothehalltowardsmidnight,wrappedin
thegorgeousflowersofhisdressinggown,andwithhishandsburiedinthepockets,asusual.There
wasgreatexcitement,andimmensedeprecationofgubernatorialire.Butithappenedthatthegovernor
andmygrandfatherwereoldfriends,andtherewasnooffense.Butastheywereconversingtogether,
oneofthedistressedmanagerscastindignantglancesatthebrilliantcostumeofmygrandfather,who
summonedhim,andaskedcourteously:
"'Didyouinvitemeormycoat?'
"'You,inapropercoat,'repliedthemanager.
"Thegovernorsmiledapprovingly,andlookedatmygrandfather.
"'Myfriend,"saidhetothemanager,'Ibegyourpardon,Iforgot.'
"Thenextdaymygrandfatherwasseenpromenadinginfullballdressalongthestreetsofthelittle
town.
"'Theyoughttoknow,'saidhe,'thatIhaveapropercoat,andthatnotcontemptnorpoverty,but
forgetfulness,sentmetoaballinmydressinggown.'
"Hedidnotmuchfrequentsocialfestivalsafterthisfailure,buthealwaystoldthestorywith
44/170
2015.04.11.
satisfactionandaquietsmile.
"Toastranger,lifeuponthoselittleislandsisuniformeventoweariness.Buttheoldnativedonslike
mygrandfatherripenintheprolongedsunshine,liketheturtleupontheBahamabanks,norknowof
existencemoredesirable.LifeinthetropicsItaketobeaplacidtorpidity.Duringthelong,warm
morningsofnearlyhalfacentury,mygrandfatherTitbottomhadsatinhisdressinggownandgazed
atthesea.ButonecalmJuneday,asheslowlypacedthepiazzaafterbreakfast,hisdreamyglance
wasarrestedbyalittlevessel,evidentlynearingtheshore.Hecalledforhisspyglass,andsurveying
thecraft,sawthatshecamefromtheneighboringisland.Sheglidedsmoothly,slowly,overthe
summersea.Thewarmmorningairwassweetwithperfumes,andsilentwithheat.Theseasparkled
languidly,andthebrilliantbluehungcloudlesslyover.Scoresoflittleislandvesselshadmy
grandfatherseencomeoverthehorizon,andcastanchorintheport.Hundredsofsummermornings
hadthewhitesailsflashedandfaded,likevaguefacesthroughforgottendreams.Butthistimehelaid
downthespyglass,andleanedagainstacolumnofthepiazza,andwatchedthevesselwithan
intentnessthathecouldnotexplain.Shecamenearerandnearer,agracefulspectreinthedazzling
morning.
"'DecidedlyImuststepdownandseeaboutthatvessel,'saidmygrandfatherTitbottom.
"Hegatheredhisampledressinggownabouthim,andsteppedfromthepiazzawithnoother
protectionfromthesunthanthelittlesmokingcapuponhishead.Hisfaceworeacalm,beaming
smile,asifheapprovedofalltheworld.Hewasnotanoldman,buttherewasalmostapatriarchal
pathosinhisexpressionashesaunteredalonginthesunshinetowardstheshore.Agroupofidle
gazerswascollectedtowatchthearrival.Thelittlevesselfurledhersailsanddriftedslowlylandward,
andasshewasofverylightdraft,shecameclosetotheshelvingshore.Alongplankwasputout
fromherside,andthedebarkationcommenced.MygrandfatherTitbottomstoodlookingontoseethe
passengersdescend.Therewerebutafewofthem,andmostlytradersfromtheneighboringisland.
Butsuddenlythefaceofayounggirlappearedoverthesideofthevessel,andshesteppeduponthe
planktodescend.MygrandfatherTitbottominstantlyadvanced,andmovingbrisklyreachedthetop
oftheplankatthesamemoment,andwiththeoldtasselofhiscapflashinginthesun,andonehand
inthepocketofhisdressinggown,withtheotherhehandedtheyoungladycarefullydowntheplank.
ThatyoungladywasafterwardsmygrandmotherTitbottom.
"Andso,overthegleamingseawhichhehadwatchedsolong,andwhichseemedthustorewardhis
patientgaze,camehisbridethatsunnymorning.
"'Ofcoursewearehappy,'heusedtosay:'ForyouarethegiftofthesunIhavelovedsolongandso
well.'AndmygrandfatherTitbottomwouldlayhishandsotenderlyuponthegoldenhairofhisyoung
bride,thatyoucouldfancyhimadevoutParseecaressingsunbeams.
"Therewereendlessfestivitiesuponoccasionofthemarriageandmygrandfatherdidnotgotoone
oftheminhisdressinggown.Thegentlesweetnessofhiswifemeltedeveryheartintoloveand
sympathy.Hewasmucholderthanshe,withoutdoubt.Butage,asheusedtosaywithasmileof
immortalyouth,isamatteroffeeling,notofyears.Andif,sometimes,asshesatbyhissideuponthe
piazza,herfancylookedthroughhereyesuponthatsummerseaandsawayoungerlover,perhaps
someoneofthosegracefulandglowingheroeswhooccupytheforegroundofallyoungmaidens'
visionsbythesea,yetshecouldnotfindonemoregenerousandgracious,norfancyonemoreworthy
andlovingthanmygrandfatherTitbottom.Andifinthemoonlitmidnight,whilehelaycalmly
sleeping,sheleanedoutofthewindowandsankintovaguereveriesofsweetpossibility,andwatched
thegleamingpathofthemoonlightuponthewater,untilthedawnglidedoverititwasonlythat
moodofnamelessregretandlonging,whichunderliesallhumanhappiness,oritwasthevisionof
thatlifeofsociety,whichshehadneverseen,butofwhichshehadoftenread,andwhichlookedvery
fairandalluringacrosstheseatoagirlishimaginationwhichknewthatitshouldneverknowthat
reality.
45/170
2015.04.11.
"TheseWestIndianyearswerethegreatdaysofthefamily,"saidTitbottom,withanairofmajestic
andregalregret,pausingandmusinginourlittleparlor,likealateStuartinexile,remembering
England.Prueraisedhereyesfromherwork,andlookedathimwithasubduedadmirationforIhave
observedthat,liketherestofhersex,shehasasingularsympathywiththerepresentativeofareduced
family.Perhapsitistheirfinerperceptionwhichleadsthesetenderheartedwomentorecognizethe
divinerightofsocialsuperioritysomuchmorereadilythanweandyet,muchasTitbottomwas
enhancedinmywife'sadmirationbythediscoverythathisduskysadnessofnatureandexpression
was,asitwere,theexpiringgleamandlatetwilightofancestralsplendors,IdoubtifMr.Bourne
wouldhavepreferredhimforbookkeeperamomentsooneruponthataccount.Intruth,Ihave
observed,downtown,thatthefactofyourancestorsdoingnothingisnotconsideredgoodproofthat
youcandoanything.ButPrueandhersexregardsentimentmorethanaction,andIunderstandeasily
enoughwhysheisnevertiredofhearingmereadofPrinceCharlie.IfTitbottomhadbeenonlyalittle
younger,alittlehandsomer,alittlemoregallantlydressedinfact,alittlemoreofthePrinceCharlie,
Iamsurehereyeswouldnothavefallenagainuponherworksotranquilly,asheresumedhisstory.
"IcanremembermygrandfatherTitbottom,althoughIwasaveryyoungchild,andhewasaveryold
man.Myyoungmotherandmyyounggrandmotherareverydistinctfiguresinmymemory,
ministeringtotheoldgentleman,wrappedinhisdressinggown,andseateduponthepiazza.I
rememberhiswhitehairandhiscalmsmile,andhow,notlongbeforehedied,hecalledmetohim,
andlayinghishanduponmyhead,saidtome:
"Mychild,theworldisnotthisgreatsunnypiazza,norlifethefairystorieswhichthewomentellyou
hereasyousitintheirlaps.Ishallsoonbegone,butIwanttoleavewithyousomemementoofmy
loveforyou,andIknownothingmorevaluablethanthesespectacles,whichyourgrandmother
broughtfromhernativeisland,whenshearrivedhereonefinesummermorning,longago.Icannot
quitetellwhether,whenyougrowolder,youwillregarditasagiftofthegreatestvalueoras
somethingthatyouhadbeenhappiernevertohavepossessed.'
"'Butgrandpapa,Iamnotshortsighted.'
"'Myson,areyounothuman?'saidtheoldgentlemanandhowshallIeverforgetthethoughtful
sadnesswithwhich,atthesametimehehandedmethespectacles.
"InstinctivelyIputthemon,andlookedatmygrandfather.ButIsawnograndfather,nopiazza,no
flowereddressinggown:Isawonlyaluxuriantpalmtree,wavingbroadlyoveratranquillandscape.
Pleasanthomesclusteredaroundit.Gardensteemingwithfruitandflowersflocksquietlyfeeding
birdswheelingandchirping.Iheardchildren'svoices,andthelowlullabyofhappymothers.The
soundofcheerfulsingingcamewaftedfromdistantfieldsuponthelightbreeze.Goldenharvests
glistenedoutofsight,andIcaughttheirrustlingwhisperofprosperity.Awarm,mellowatmosphere
bathedthewhole.IhaveseencopiesofthelandscapesoftheItalianpainterClaudewhichseemedto
mefaintreminiscencesofthatcalmandhappyvision.Butallthispeaceandprosperityseemedto
flowfromthespreadingpalmasfromafountain.
"IdonotknowhowlongIlooked,butIhad,apparently,nopower,asIhadnowill,toremovethe
spectacles.WhatawonderfulislandmustNevisbe,thoughtI,ifpeoplecarrysuchpicturesintheir
pockets,onlybybuyingapairofspectacles!WhatwonderthatmydeargrandmotherTitbottomhas
livedsuchaplacidlife,andhasblessedusallwithhersunnytemper,whenshehaslivedsurrounded
bysuchimagesofpeace.
"Mygrandfatherdied.Butstill,inthewarmmorningsunshineuponthepiazza,Ifelthisplacid
presence,andasIcrawledintohisgreatchair,anddriftedoninreveriethroughthestill,tropicalday,
itwasasifhissoft,dreamyeyehadpassedintomysoul.Mygrandmothercherishedhismemorywith
tenderregret.Aviolentpassionofgriefforhislosswasnomorepossiblethanforthepensivedecay
oftheyear.Wehavenoportraitofhim,butIseealways,whenIrememberhim,thatpeacefuland
luxuriantpalm.AndIthinkthattohaveknownonegoodoldmanonemanwho,throughthe
46/170
2015.04.11.
chancesandrubsofalonglife,hascarriedhisheartinhishand,likeapalmbranch,wavingall
discordsintopeace,helpsourfaithinGod,inourselves,andineachother,morethanmanysermons.I
hardlyknowwhethertobegratefultomygrandfatherforthespectaclesandyetwhenIremember
thatitistothemIowethepleasantimageofhimwhichIcherish,Iseemtomyselfsadlyungrateful.
"Madam,"saidTitbottomtoPrue,solemnly,"mymemoryisalongandgloomygallery,andonly
remotely,atitsfurtherend,doIseetheglimmerofsoftsunshine,andonlytherearethepleasant
pictureshung.Theyseemtomeveryhappyalongwhosegallerythesunlightstreamstotheirvery
feet,strikingallthepicturedwallsintounfadingsplendor."
Pruehadlaidherworkinherlap,andasTitbottompausedamoment,andIturnedtowardsher,I
foundhermildeyesfasteneduponmyface,andglisteningwithhappytears.
"Misfortunesofmanykindscameheavilyuponthefamilyaftertheheadwasgone.Thegreathouse
wasrelinquished.Myparentswerebothdead,andmygrandmotherhadentirechargeofme.Butfrom
themomentthatIreceivedthegiftofthespectacles,Icouldnotresisttheirfascination,andI
withdrewintomyself,andbecameasolitaryboy.Therewerenotmanycompanionsformeofmy
ownage,andtheygraduallyleftme,or,atleast,hadnotaheartysympathywithmeforiftheyteased
meIpulledoutmyspectaclesandsurveyedthemsoseriouslythattheyacquiredakindofaweofme,
andevidentlyregardedmygrandfather'sgiftasaconcealedmagicalweaponwhichmightbe
dangerouslydrawnuponthematanymoment.Whenever,inourgames,therewerequarrelsandhigh
words,andIbegantofeelaboutmydressandtowearagravelook,theyalltookthealarm,and
shouted,'LookoutforTitbottom'sspectacles,'andscatteredlikeaflockofscaredsheep.
"NorcouldIwonderatit.For,atfirst,beforetheytookthealarm,IsawstrangesightswhenIlooked
atthemthroughtheglasses.Iftwowerequarrellingaboutamarbleoraball,Ihadonlytogobehinda
treewhereIwasconcealedandlookatthemleisurely.Thenthescenechanged,andnolongeragreen
meadowwithboysplaying,butaspotwhichIdidnotrecognize,andformsthatmademeshudderor
smile.Itwasnotabigboybullyingalittleone,butayoungwolfwithglisteningteethandalamb
coweringbeforehimor,itwasadogfaithfulandfamishingorastargoingslowlyintoeclipseor
arainbowfadingoraflowerbloomingorasunrisingorawaningmoon.Therevelationsofthe
spectaclesdeterminedmyfeelingfortheboys,andforallwhomIsawthroughthem.Noshyness,nor
awkwardness,norsilence,couldseparatemefromthosewholookedlovelyasliliestomyilluminated
eyes.IfIfeltmyselfwarmlydrawntoanyoneIstruggledwiththefiercedesireofseeinghimthrough
thespectacles.Ilongedtoenjoytheluxuryofignorantfeeling,tolovewithoutknowing,tofloatlikea
leafupontheeddiesoflife,driftednowtoasunnypoint,nowtoasolemnshadenowoverglittering
ripples,nowovergleamingcalms,andnottodeterminedports,atrimvesselwithaninexorable
rudder.
"But,sometimes,masteredafterlongstruggles,Iseizedmyspectaclesandsaunteredintothelittle
town.PuttingthemtomyeyesIpeeredintothehousesandatthepeoplewhopassedme.Heresata
familyatbreakfast,andIstoodatthewindowlookingin.Omotleymeal!fantasticvision!Thegood
mothersawherlordsittingopposite,agrave,respectablebeing,eatingmuffins.ButIsawonlya
bankbill,moreorlesscrumpledandtattered,markedwithalargerorlesserfigure.Ifasharpwind
blewsuddenly,Isawittrembleandflutteritwasthin,flat,impalpable.Iremovedmyglasses,and
lookedwithmyeyesatthewife.Icouldhavesmiledtoseethehumidtendernesswithwhichshe
regardedherstrangevisvis.Islifeonlyagameofblindman'sbuff?ofdrollcrosspurposes?
"OrIputthemonagain,andlookedatthewife.HowmanystouttreesIsaw,howmanytender
flowers,howmanyplacidpoolsyes,andhowmanylittlestreamswindingoutofsight,shrinking
beforethelarge,hard,roundeyesopposite,andslippingoffintosolitudeandshade,withalow,inner
songfortheirownsolace.AndinmanyhousesIthoughttoseeangels,nymphs,oratleast,women,
andcouldonlyfindbroomsticks,mops,orkettles,hurryingabout,rattling,tinkling,inastateofshrill
activity.Imadecallsuponelegantladies,andafterIhadenjoyedtheglossofsilkandthedelicacyof
lace,andtheflashofjewels,Islippedonmyspectacles,andsawapeacock'sfeather,flouncedand
47/170
2015.04.11.
furbelowedandflutteringoranironrod,thin,sharp,andhardnorcouldIpossiblymistakethe
movementofthedraperyforanyflexibilityofthethingdraped,or,mysteriouslychilled,Isawa
statueofperfectform,orflowingmovement,itmightbealabaster,orbronze,ormarble,butsadly
oftenitwasiceandIknewthatafterithadshonealittle,andfrozenafeweyeswithitsdespairing
perfection,itcouldnotbeputawayinthenichesofpalacesforornamentandproudfamilytradition,
likethealabaster,orbronze,ormarblestatues,butwouldmelt,andshrink,andfallcoldlyawayin
colorlessanduselesswater,beabsorbedintheearthandutterlyforgotten.
"Butthetruesadnesswasratherinseeingthosewho,nothavingthespectacles,thoughtthattheiron
rodwasflexible,andtheicestatuewarm.Isawmanyagallantheart,whichseemedtomebraveand
loyalasthecrusaderssentbygenuineandnoblefaithtoSyriaandthesepulchre,pursuing,through
daysandnights,andalonglifeofdevotion,thehopeoflightingatleastasmileinthecoldeyes,ifnot
afireintheicyheart.Iwatchedtheearnest,enthusiasticsacrifice.Isawthepureresolve,thegenerous
faith,thefinescornofdoubt,theimpatienceofsuspicion.Iwatchedthegrace,theardor,thegloryof
devotion.ThroughthosestrangespectacleshowoftenIsawthenoblestheartrenouncingallother
hope,allotherambition,allotherlife,thanthepossibleloveofsomeoneofthosestatues.Ah!me,it
wasterrible,buttheyhadnotthelovetogive.TheParianfacewassopolishedandsmooth,because
therewasnosorrowupontheheart,and,drearilyoften,nohearttobetouched.Icouldnotwonder
thatthenobleheartofdevotionwasbroken,forithaddasheditselfagainstastone.Iwept,untilmy
spectaclesweredimmedforthathopelesssorrowbuttherewasapangbeyondtearsforthoseicy
statues.
"Stillaboy,Iwasthustoomuchamaninknowledge,IdidnotcomprehendthesightsIwas
compelledtosee.Iusedtotearmyglassesawayfrommyeyes,and,frightenedatmyself,runto
escapemyownconsciousness.Reachingthesmallhousewherewethenlived,Iplungedintomy
grandmother'sroomand,throwingmyselfuponthefloor,buriedmyfaceinherlapandsobbed
myselftosleepwithprematuregrief.ButwhenIawakened,andfelthercoolhanduponmyhot
forehead,andheardthelow,sweetsong,orthegentlestory,orthetenderlytoldparablefromthe
Bible,withwhichshetriedtosootheme,Icouldnotresistthemysticfascinationthatluredme,asI
layinherlap,tostealaglanceatherthroughthespectacles.
"PicturesoftheMadonnahavenotherrareandpensivebeauty.Uponthetranquillittleislandsherlife
hadbeeneventless,andallthefinepossibilitiesofhernaturewerelikeflowersthatneverbloomed.
PlacidwereallheryearsyetIhavereadofnoheroine,ofnowomangreatinsuddencrises,thatitdid
notseemtomeshemighthavebeen.Thewifeandwidowofamanwholovedhisownhomebetter
thanthehomesofothers,Ihaveyetheardofnoqueen,nobelle,noimperialbeauty,whomingrace,
andbrilliancy,andpersuasivecourtesy,shemightnothavesurpassed.
"Madam,"saidTitbottomtomywife,whosehearthunguponhisstory"yourhusband'syoungfriend,
Aurelia,wearssometimesacameliainherhair,andnodiamondintheballroomseemssocostlyas
thatperfectflower,whichwomenenvy,andforwhoseleastandwitheredpetalmensighyet,inthe
tropicalsolitudesofBrazil,howmanyacameliabuddropsfromabushthatnoeyehaseverseen,
which,haditfloweredandbeennoticed,wouldhavegildedallheartswithitsmemory.
"WhenIstolethesefurtiveglancesatmygrandmother,halffearingthattheywerewrong,Isawonlya
calmlake,whoseshoreswerelow,andoverwhichtheskyhungunbroken,sothattheleaststarwas
clearlyreflected.Ithadanatmosphereofsolemntwilighttranquillity,andsocompletelydidits
unruffledsurfaceblendwiththecloudless,starstuddedsky,that,whenIlookedthroughmy
spectaclesatmygrandmother,thevisionseemedtomeallheavenandstars.Yet,asIgazedand
gazed,Ifeltwhatstatelycitiesmightwellhavebeenbuiltuponthoseshores,andhaveflashed
prosperityoverthecalm,likecoruscationsofpearls.
"Idreamedofgorgeousfleets,silkensailedandblownbyperfumedwinds,driftingoverthose
depthlesswatersandthroughthosespaciousskies.Igazeduponthetwilight,theinscrutablesilence,
likeaGodfearingdiscovereruponanew,andvast,anddimsea,burstinguponhimthroughforest
48/170
2015.04.11.
glooms,andinthefervorofwhoseimpassionedgaze,amillennialandpoeticworldarises,andman
neednolongerdietobehappy.
"Mycompanionsnaturallydesertedme,forIhadgrownwearilygraveandabstracted:and,unableto
resisttheallurementofmyspectacles,Iwasconstantlylostinaworld,ofwhichthosecompanions
werepart,yetofwhichtheyknewnothing.Igrewcoldandhard,almostmorosepeopleseemedtome
blindandunreasonable.Theydidthewrongthing.Theycalledgreen,yellowandblack,white.
Youngmensaidofagirl,'Whatalovely,simplecreature!'Ilooked,andtherewasonlyaglistening
wispofstraw,dryandhollow.Ortheysaid,'Whatacold,proudbeauty!'Ilooked,andlo!aMadonna,
whoseheartheldtheworld.Ortheysaid,'Whatawild,giddygirl!'andIsawaglancing,dancing
mountainstream,pureasthevirginsnowswhenceitflowed,singingthroughsunandshade,over
pearlsandgolddust,slippingalongunstainedbyweed,orrain,orheavyfootofcattle,touchingthe
flowerswithadewykiss,abeamofgrace,ahappysong,alineoflight,inthedimandtroubled
landscape.
"Mygrandmothersentmetoschool,butIlookedatthemaster,andsawthathewasasmooth,round
feruleoranimpropernounoravulgarfraction,andrefusedtoobeyhim.Orhewasapieceof
string,arag,awillowwand,andIhadacontemptuouspity.Butonewasawellofcool,deepwater,
andlookingsuddenlyin,oneday,Isawthestars.Hegavemeallmyschooling.WithhimIusedto
walkbythesea,and,aswestrolledandthewavesplungedinlonglegionsbeforeus,Ilookedathim
throughthespectacles,andashiseyedilatedwiththeboundlessview,andhischestheavedwithan
impossibledesire,IsawXerxesandhisarmytossingandglittering,rankuponrank,multitudeupon
multitude,outofsight,buteverregularlyadvancingandwiththeconfusedroarofceaselessmusic,
prostratingthemselvesinabjecthomage.Or,aswitharmsoutstretchedandhairstreamingonthe
wind,hechantedfulllinesoftheresoundingIliad,IsawHomerpacingtheAEgeansandsinthe
Greeksunsetsofforgottentimes.
"Mygrandmotherdied,andIwasthrownintotheworldwithoutresources,andwithnocapitalbutmy
spectacles.Itriedtofindemployment,butmenwereshyofme.TherewasavaguesuspicionthatI
waseitheralittlecrazed,oragooddealinleaguewiththePrinceofDarkness.Mycompanionswho
wouldpersistincallingapieceofpaintedmuslinafairandfragrantflowerhadnodifficultysuccess
waitedforthemaroundeverycorner,andarrivedineveryship.Itriedtoteach,forIlovedchildren.
Butifanythingexcitedmysuspicion,and,puttingonmyspectacles,IsawthatIwasfondlingasnake,
orsmellingatabudwithaworminit,Isprangupinhorrorandranawayor,ifitseemedtome
throughtheglassesthatacherubsmileduponme,orarosewasbloominginmybuttonhole,thenIfelt
myselfimperfectandimpure,notfittobeleadingandtrainingwhatwassoessentiallysuperiorin
qualitytomyself,andIkissedthechildrenandleftthemweepingandwondering.
"IndespairIwenttoagreatmerchantontheisland,andaskedhimtoemployme.
"'Myyoungfriend,'saidhe,'Iunderstandthatyouhavesomesingularsecret,somecharm,orspell,or
gift,orsomething,Idon'tknowwhat,ofwhichpeopleareafraid.Now,youknow,mydear,'saidthe
merchant,swellingup,andapparentlyprouderofhisgreatstomachthanofhislargefortune,'Iamnot
ofthatkind.Iamnoteasilyfrightened.Youmayspareyourselfthepainoftryingtoimposeuponme.
PeoplewhoproposetocometotimebeforeIarrive,areaccustomedtoariseveryearlyinthe
morning,'saidhe,thrustinghisthumbsinthearmholesofhiswaistcoat,andspreadingthefingers,like
twofans,uponhisbosom.'IthinkIhaveheardsomethingofyoursecret.Youhaveapairof
spectacles,Ibelieve,thatyouvalueverymuch,becauseyourgrandmotherbroughtthemasamarriage
portiontoyourgrandfather.Now,ifyouthinkfittosellmethosespectacles,Iwillpayyouthelargest
marketpriceforglasses.Whatdoyousay?'
"ItoldhimthatIhadnottheslightestideaofsellingmyspectacles.
"'Myyoungfriendmeanstoeatthem,Isuppose,'saidhewithacontemptuoussmile.
49/170
2015.04.11.
"Imadenoreply,butwasturningtoleavetheoffice,whenthemerchantcalledafterme
"'Myyoungfriend,poorpeopleshouldneversufferthemselvestogetintopets.Angerisanexpensive
luxury,inwhichonlymenofacertainincomecanindulge.Apairofspectaclesandahottemperare
notthemostpromisingcapitalforsuccessinlife,MasterTitbottom.'
"Isaidnothing,butputmyhanduponthedoortogoout,whenthemerchantsaidmorerespectfully,
"'Well,youfoolishboy,ifyouwillnotsellyourspectacles,perhapsyouwillagreetoselltheuseof
themtome.Thatis,youshallonlyputthemonwhenIdirectyou,andformypurposes.Hallo!you
littlefool!'criedheimpatiently,ashesawthatIintendedtomakenoreply.
"ButIhadpulledoutmyspectacles,andputthemonformyownpurpose,andagainsthisdirection
anddesire.Ilookedathim,andsawahugebaldheadedwildboar,withgrosschopsandaleeringeye
onlythemoreridiculousforthehigharched,goldbowedspectacles,thatstraddledhisnose.Oneof
hisforehoofswasthrustintothesafe,wherehisbillspayablewerehived,andtheotherintohis
pocket,amongtheloosechangeandbillsthere.Hisearswereprickedforwardwithabrisk,sensitive
smartness.Inaworldwhereprizeporkwasthebestexcellence,hewouldhavecarriedoffallthe
premiums.
"Isteppedintothenextofficeinthestreet,andamildfaced,genialman,alsoalargeandopulent
merchant,askedmemybusinessinsuchatone,thatIinstantlylookedthroughmyspectacles,and
sawalandflowingwithmilkandhoney.ThereIpitchedmytent,andstayedtillthegoodmandied,
andhisbusinesswasdiscontinued.
"Butwhilethere,"saidTitbottom,andhisvoicetrembledawayintoasigh,"IfirstsawPreciosa.Spite
ofthespectacles,IsawPreciosa.Fordays,forweeks,formonths,Ididnottakemyspectacleswith
me.Iranawayfromthem,Ithrewthemuponhighshelves,Itriedtomakeupmymindtothrowthem
intothesea,ordownthewell.Icouldnot,Iwouldnot,IdarednotlookatPreciosathroughthe
spectacles.ItwasnotpossibleformedeliberatelytodestroythembutIawokeinthenight,andcould
almosthavecursedmydearoldgrandfatherforhisgift.Iescapedfromtheoffice,andsatforwhole
dayswithPreciosa.ItoldherthestrangethingsIhadseenwithmymysticglasses.Thehourswere
notenoughforthewildromanceswhichIravedinherear.Shelistened,astonishedandappalled.Her
blueeyesturneduponmewithasweetdeprecation.Sheclungtome,andthenwithdrew,andfled
fearfullyfromtheroom.Butshecouldnotstayaway.Shecouldnotresistmyvoice,inwhosetones
burnedallthelovethatfilledmyheartandbrain.TheveryefforttoresistthedesireofseeingherasI
saweverybodyelse,gaveafrenzyandanunnaturaltensiontomyfeelingandmymanner.Isatbyher
side,lookingintohereyes,smoothingherhair,foldinghertomyheart,whichwassunkenanddeep
whynotforever?inthatdreamofpeace.Iranfromherpresence,andshouted,andleapedwithjoy,
andsatthewholenightthrough,thrilledintohappinessbythethoughtofherloveandloveliness,like
awindharp,tightlystrung,andansweringtheairiestsighofthebreezewithmusic.Thencamecalmer
daystheconvictionofdeeplovesettleduponourlivesasafterthehurrying,heavingdaysof
spring,comestheblandandbenignantsummer.
"'Itisnodream,then,afterall,andwearehappy,'Isaidtoher,onedayandtherecamenoanswer,
forhappinessisspeechless.
"Wearehappythen,"Isaidtomyself,"thereisnoexcitementnow.
HowgladIamthatIcannowlookatherthroughmyspectacles."
"Ifearedlestsomeinstinctshouldwarnmetobeware.Iescapedfromherarms,andranhomeand
seizedtheglassesandboundedbackagaintoPreciosa.AsIenteredtheroomIwasheated,myhead
wasswimmingwithconfusedapprehension,myeyesmusthaveglared.Preciosawasfrightened,and
risingfromherseat,stoodwithaninquiringglanceofsurpriseinhereyes.ButIwasbentwithfrenzy
uponmypurpose.Iwasmerelyawarethatshewasintheroom.Isawnothingelse.Iheardnothing.I
50/170
2015.04.11.
caredfornothing,buttoseeherthroughthatmagicglass,andfeelatonce,allthefulnessofblissful
perfectionwhichthatwouldreveal.Preciosastoodbeforethemirror,butalarmedatmywildand
eagermovements,unabletodistinguishwhatIhadinmyhands,andseeingmeraisethemsuddenlyto
myface,sheshriekedwithterror,andfellfaintinguponthefloor,attheverymomentthatIplacedthe
glassesbeforemyeyes,andbeheldmyself,reflectedinthemirror,beforewhichshehadbeen
standing.
"Dearmadam,"criedTitbottom,tomywife,springingupandfallingbackagaininhischair,paleand
trembling,whilePruerantohimandtookhishand,andIpouredoutaglassofwater"Isaw
myself."
Therewassilenceformanyminutes.Pruelaidherhandgentlyupontheheadofourguest,whoseeyes
wereclosed,andwhobreathedsoftly,likeaninfantinsleeping.Perhaps,inallthelongyearsof
anguishsincethathour,notenderhandhadtouchedhisbrow,norwipedawaythedampsofabitter
sorrow.Perhapsthetender,maternalfingersofmywifesoothedhiswearyheadwiththeconviction
thathefeltthehandofhismotherplayingwiththelonghairofherboyinthesoftWestIndian
morning.Perhapsitwasonlythenaturalreliefofexpressingapentupsorrow.Whenhespokeagain,
itwaswiththeold,subduedtone,andtheairofquaintsolemnity.
"Thesethingsweremattersoflong,longago,andIcametothiscountrysoonafter.Ibroughtwithme,
prematureage,apastofmelancholymemories,andthemagicspectacles.Ihadbecometheirslave.I
hadnothingmoretofear.Havingseenmyself,Iwascompelledtoseeothers,properlytounderstand
myrelationstothem.Thelightsthatcheerthefutureofothermenhadgoneoutforme.Myeyeswere
thoseofanexileturnedbackwardsupontherecedingshore,andnotforwardswithhopeuponthe
ocean.Imingledwithmen,butwithlittlepleasure.Therearebutmanyvarietiesofafewtypes.Idid
notfindthoseIcametoclearersightedthanthoseIhadleftbehind.Iheardmencalledshrewdand
wise,andreportsaidtheywerehighlyintelligentandsuccessful.ButwhenIlookedatthemthrough
myglasses,Ifoundnohaloofrealmanliness.Myfinestsensedetectednoaromaofpurityand
principlebutIsawonlyafungusthathadfattenedandspreadinanight.Theyallwenttothetheater
toseeactorsuponthestage.Iwenttoseeactorsintheboxes,soconsummatelycunning,thatthe
othersdidnotknowtheywereacting,andtheydidnotsuspectitthemselves.
"Perhapsyouwonderitdidnotmakememisanthropical.Mydearfriends,donotforgetthatIhad
seenmyself.Itmademecompassionate,notcynical.OfcourseIcouldnotvaluehighlytheordinary
standardsofsuccessandexcellence.WhenIwenttochurchandsawathin,blue,artificialflower,ora
greatsleepycushionexpoundingthebeautyofholinesstopewsfullofeagles,halfeagles,and
threepences,howeveradroitlyconcealedinbroadclothandboots:orsawanonioninanEasterbonnet
weepingoverthesinsofMagdalen,Ididnotfeelastheyfeltwhosawinallthis,notonlypropriety,
butpiety.Orwhenatpublicmeetingsaneelstooduponend,andwriggledandsquirmedlithelyin
everydirection,anddeclaredthat,forhispart,hewentinforrainbowsandhotwaterhowcouldI
helpseeingthathewasstillblackandlovedaslimypool?
"IcouldnotgrowmisanthropicalwhenIsawintheeyesofsomanywhowerecalledold,thegushing
fountainsofeternalyouth,andthelightofanimmortaldawn,orwhenIsawthosewhowereesteemed
unsuccessfulandaimless,rulingafairrealmofpeaceandplenty,eitherinthemselves,ormore
perfectlyinanotherarealmandprincelypossessionforwhichtheyhadwellrenouncedahopeless
searchandabelatedtriumph.Iknewonemanwhohadbeenforyearsabywordforhavingsought
thephilosopher'sstone.ButIlookedathimthroughthespectaclesandsawasatisfactionin
concentratedenergies,andatenacityarisingfromdevotiontoanobledream,whichwasnotapparent
intheyouthswhopitiedhimintheaimlesseffeminacyofclubs,norintheclevergentlemenwho
crackedtheirthinjokesuponhimoveragossipingdinner.
"Andtherewasyourneighborovertheway,whopassesforawomanwhohasfailedinhercareer,
becausesheisanoldmaid.Peoplewagsolemnheadsofpity,andsaythatshemadesogreatamistake
innotmarryingthebrilliantandfamousmanwhowasforlongyearshersuitor.Itisclearthatno
51/170
2015.04.11.
orangeflowerwilleverbloomforher.Theyoungpeoplemaketenderromancesaboutherasthey
watchher,andthinkofhersolitaryhoursofbitterregret,andwastinglonging,nevertobesatisfied.
WhenIfirstcametotownIsharedthissympathy,andpleasedmyimaginationwithfancyingherhard
strugglewiththeconvictionthatshehadlostallthatmadelifebeautiful.IsupposedthatifIlookedat
herthroughmyspectacles,Ishouldseethatitwasonlyherradianttemperwhichsoilluminatedher
dress,thatwedidnotseeittobeheavysables.Butwhen,oneday,Ididraisemyglassesandglanced
ather,Ididnotseetheoldmaidwhomweallpitiedforasecretsorrow,butawomanwhosenature
wasatropic,inwhichthesunshone,andbirdssang,andflowersbloomedforever.Therewereno
regrets,nodoubtsandhalfwishes,butacalmsweetness,atransparentpeace.Isawherblushwhen
thatoldloverpassedby,orpausedtospeaktoher,butitwasonlythesignofdelicatefeminine
consciousness.Sheknewhislove,andhonoredit,althoughshecouldnotunderstanditnorreturnit.I
lookedcloselyather,andIsawthatalthoughalltheworldhadexclaimedatherindifferencetosuch
homage,andhaddeclareditwasastonishingsheshouldlosesofineamatch,shewouldonlysay
simplyandquietly
"'IfShakespearelovedmeandIdidnotlovehim,howcouldImarryhim?'
"CouldIbemisanthropicalwhenIsawsuchfidelity,anddignity,andsimplicity?
"YoumaybelievethatIwasespeciallycurioustolookatthatoldloverofhers,throughmyglasses.
Hewasnolongeryoung,youknow,whenIcame,andhisfameandfortuneweresecure.CertainlyI
haveheardoffewmenmorebeloved,andofnonemoreworthytobeloved.Hehadtheeasymanner
ofamanoftheworld,thesensitivegraceofapoet,andthecharitablejudgmentofawidetraveller.
Hewasaccountedthemostsuccessfulandmostunspoiledofmen.Handsome,brilliant,wise,tender,
graceful,accomplished,rich,andfamous,Ilookedathim,withoutthespectacles,insurprise,and
admiration,andwonderedhowyourneighboroverthewayhadbeensoentirelyuntouchedbyhis
homage.Iwatchedtheirintercourseinsociety,Isawhergaysmile,hercordialgreetingImarkedhis
frankaddress,hisloftycourtesy.Theirmannertoldnotales.Theeagerworldwasbalked,andIpulled
outmyspectacles.
"Ihadseenher,already,andnowIsawhim.Helivedonlyinmemory,andhismemorywasa
spaciousandstatelypalace.Buthedidnotoftenestfrequentthebanquetinghall,wherewereendless
hospitalityandfeastingnordidheloitermuchinreceptionrooms,whereathrongofnewvisitors
wasforeverswarmingnordidhefeedhisvanitybyhauntingtheapartmentinwhichwerestoredthe
trophiesofhisvariedtriumphsnordreammuchinthegreatgalleryhungwithpicturesofhistravels.
Butfromalltheseloftyhallsofmemoryheconstantlyescapedtoaremoteandsolitarychamber,into
whichnoonehadeverpenetrated.Butmyfataleyes,behindtheglasses,followedandenteredwith
him,andsawthatthechamberwasachapel.Itwasdim,andsilent,andsweetwithperpetualincense
thatburneduponanaltarbeforeapictureforeverveiled.There,wheneverIchancedtolook,Isaw
himkneelandprayandthere,bydayandbynight,afuneralhymnwaschanted.
"IdonotbelieveyouwillbesurprisedthatIhavebeencontenttoremaindeputybookkeeper.My
spectaclesregulatedmyambition,andIearlylearnedthattherewerebettergodsthanPlutus.The
glasseshavelostmuchoftheirfascinationnow,andIdonotoftenusethem.Sometimesthedesireis
irresistible.WheneverIamgreatlyinterested,IamcompelledtotakethemoutandseewhatitisthatI
admire.
"Andyetandyet,"saidTitbottom,afterapause,"Iamnotsurethat
Ithankmygrandfather."
Pruehadlongsincelaidawayherwork,andhadheardeverywordofthestory.Isawthatthedear
womanhadyetonequestiontoask,andhadbeenearnestlyhopingtohearsomethingthatwouldspare
herthenecessityofasking.ButTitbottomhadresumedhisusualtone,afterthemomentary
excitement,andmadenofurtherallusiontohimself.WeallsatsilentlyTitbottom'seyesfastened
musinglyuponthecarpet:Pruelookingwistfullyathim,andIregardingboth.
52/170
2015.04.11.
Itwaspastmidnight,andourguestarosetogo.Heshookhandsquietly,madehisgraveSpanishbow
toPrue,andtakinghishat,wenttowardsthefrontdoor.PrueandIaccompaniedhim.Isawinher
eyesthatshewouldaskherquestion.AndasTitbottomopenedthedoor,Iheardthelowwords:
"AndPreciosa?"
Titbottompaused.Hehadjustopenedthedoorandthemoonlightstreamedoverhimashestood,
turningbacktous.
"Ihaveseenherbutoncesince.Itwasinchurch,andshewaskneelingwithhereyesclosed,sothat
shedidnotseeme.ButIrubbedtheglasseswell,andlookedather,andsawawhitelily,whosestem
wasbroken,butwhichwasfreshandluminous,andfragrant,still."
"Thatwasamiracle,"interruptedPrue.
"Madam,itwasamiracle,"repliedTitbottom,"andforthatonesightIamdevoutlygratefulformy
grandfather'sgift.Isaw,thatalthoughaflowermayhavelostitsholduponearthlymoisture,itmay
stillbloomassweetly,fedbythedewsofheaven."
Thedoorclosed,andhewasgone.ButasPrueputherarminmineandwewentupstairstogether,she
whisperedinmyear:
"HowgladIamthatyoudon'twearspectacles."
MYDOUBLEANDHOWHEUNDIDME
ByEdwardEverettHale(18221909)
[FromTheAtlanticMonthly,September,1859.Republishedinthevolume,TheManWithouta
Country,andOtherTales(1868),byEdwardEverettHale(Little,Brown&Co.).]
ItisnotoftenthatItroublethereadersofTheAtlanticMonthly.Ishouldnottroublethemnow,butfor
theimportunitiesofmywife,who"feelstoinsist"thatadutytosocietyisunfulfilled,tillIhavetold
whyIhadtohaveadouble,andhowheundidme.Sheissure,shesays,thatintelligentpersons
cannotunderstandthatpressureuponpublicservantswhichalonedrivesanymanintothe
employmentofadouble.AndwhileIfearshethinks,atthebottomofherheart,thatmyfortuneswill
neverberemade,shehasafainthope,that,asanotherRasselas,Imayteachalessontofuture
publics,fromwhichtheymayprofit,thoughwedie.Owingtothebehaviorofmydouble,or,ifyou
please,tothatpublicpressurewhichcompelledmetoemployhim,Ihaveplentyofleisuretowrite
thiscommunication.
Iam,orratherwas,aminister,oftheSandemanianconnection.Iwassettledintheactive,wideawake
townofNaguadavick,ononeofthefinestwaterpowersinMaine.WeusedtocallitaWesterntown
intheheartofthecivilizationofNewEngland.Acharmingplaceitwasandis.Aspirited,brave
youngparishhadIanditseemedasifwemighthaveall"thejoyofeventfulliving"toourhearts'
content.
Alas!howlittleweknewonthedayofmyordination,andinthosehalcyonmomentsofourfirst
housekeeping!Tobetheconfidentialfriendinahundredfamiliesinthetowncuttingthesocial
trifle,asmyfriendHaliburtonsays,"fromthetopofthewhippedsyllabubtothebottomofthe
spongecake,whichisthefoundation"tokeepabreastofthethoughtoftheageinone'sstudy,andto
doone'sbestonSundaytointerweavethatthoughtwiththeactivelifeofanactivetown,andto
inspiritbothandmakebothinfinitebyglimpsesoftheEternalGlory,seemedsuchanexquisite
53/170
2015.04.11.
forelookintoone'slife!Enoughtodo,andallsorealandsogrand!Ifthisvisioncouldonlyhave
lasted.
Thetruthis,thatthisvisionwasnotinitselfadelusion,nor,indeed,halfbrightenough.Ifonecould
onlyhavebeenlefttodohisownbusiness,thevisionwouldhaveaccomplisheditselfandbroughtout
newparaheliacalvisions,eachasbrightastheoriginal.Themiserywasandis,aswefoundout,Iand
Polly,beforelong,that,besidesthevision,andbesidestheusualhumanandfinitefailuresinlife
(suchasbreakingtheoldpitcherthatcameoverintheMayflower,andputtingintothefirethe
alpenstockwithwhichherfatherclimbedMontBlanc)besides,these,Isay(imitatingthestyleof
RobinsonCrusoe),therewerepitchforkedinonusagreatrowenheapofhumbugs,handeddown
fromsomeunknownseedtime,inwhichwewereexpected,andIchiefly,tofulfilcertainpublic
functionsbeforethecommunity,ofthecharacterofthosefulfilledbythethirdrowofsupernumeraries
whostandbehindtheSepoysinthespectacleoftheCataractoftheGanges.Theyweretheduties,in
aword,whichoneperformsasmemberofoneoranothersocialclassorsubdivision,whollydistinct
fromwhatonedoesasA.byhimselfA.Whatinvisiblepowerputthesefunctionsonme,itwouldbe
veryhardtotell.Butsuchpowertherewasandis.AndIhadnotbeenatworkayearbeforeIfoundI
waslivingtwolives,onerealandonemerelyfunctionalfortwosetsofpeople,onemyparish,
whomIloved,andtheotheravaguepublic,forwhomIdidnotcaretwostraws.Allthiswasina
vaguenotion,whicheverybodyhadandhas,thatthissecondlifewouldeventuallybringoutsome
greatresults,unknownatpresent,tosomebodysomewhere.
Crazedbythisdualityoflife,IfirstreadDr.WiganontheDualityoftheBrain,hopingthatIcould
trainonesideofmyheadtodotheseoutsidejobs,andtheothertodomyintimateandrealduties.For
RichardGreenoughoncetoldmethat,instudyingforthestatueofFranklin,hefoundthattheleftside
ofthegreatman'sfacewasphilosophicandreflective,andtherightsidefunnyandsmiling.Ifyou
willgoandlookatthebronzestatue,youwillfindhehasrepeatedthisobservationthereforposterity.
TheeasternprofileistheportraitofthestatesmanFranklin,thewesternofPoorRichard.ButDr.
Wigandoesnotgointothesenicetiesofthissubject,andIfailed.Itwasthenthat,onmywife's
suggestion,IresolvedtolookoutforaDouble.
Iwas,atfirst,singularlysuccessful.WehappenedtoberecreatingatStaffordSpringsthatsummer.
Werodeoutoneday,foroneoftherelaxationsofthatwateringplace,tothegreatMonsonponHouse.
Wewerepassingthroughoneofthelargehalls,whenmydestinywasfulfilled!Isawmyman!
Hewasnotshaven.Hehadonnospectacles.Hewasdressedinagreenbaizeroundaboutandfaded
blueoveralls,wornsadlyattheknee.ButIsawatoncethathewasofmyheight,fivefeetfouranda
half.Hehadblackhair,wornoffbyhishat.SohaveandhavenotI.Hestoopedinwalking.SodoI.
Hishandswerelarge,andmine.AndchoicestgiftofFateinallhehad,not"astrawberrymarkon
hisleftarm,"butacutfromajuvenilebrickbatoverhisrighteye,slightlyaffectingtheplayofthat
eyebrow.Reader,sohaveI!Myfatewassealed!
AwordwithMr.Holley,oneoftheinspectors,settledthewholething.ItprovedthatthisDennisShea
wasaharmless,amiablefellow,oftheclassknownasshiftless,whohadsealedhisfatebymarryinga
dumbwife,whowasatthatmomentironinginthelaundry.BeforeIleftStafford,Ihadhiredbothfor
fiveyears.WehadappliedtoJudgePynchon,thentheprobatejudgeatSpringfield,tochangethe
nameofDennisSheatoFredericIngham.WehadexplainedtotheJudge,whatwastheprecisetruth,
thataneccentricgentlemanwishedtoadoptDennisunderthisnewnameintohisfamily.Itnever
occurredtohimthatDennismightbemorethanfourteenyearsold.Andthus,toshortenthispreface,
whenwereturnedatnighttomyparsonageatNaguadavick,thereenteredMrs.Ingham,hernew
dumblaundress,myself,whoamMr.FredericIngham,andmydouble,whowasMr.FredericIngham
byasgoodrightasI.
Oh,thefunwehadthenextmorninginshavinghisbeardtomypattern,cuttinghishairtomatch
mine,andteachinghimhowtowearandhowtotakeoffgoldbowedspectacles!Really,theywere
electroplate,andtheglasswasplain(forthepoorfellow'seyeswereexcellent).Theninfour
54/170
2015.04.11.
successiveafternoonsItaughthimfourspeeches.Ihadfoundthesewouldbequiteenoughforthe
supernumerarySepoylineoflife,anditwaswellformetheywere.Forthoughhewasgoodnatured,
hewasveryshiftless,anditwas,asournationalproverbsays,"likepullingteeth"toteachhim.Butat
theendofthenextweekhecouldsay,withquitemyeasyandfriskyair:
1."Verywell,thankyou.Andyou?"Thisforananswertocasualsalutations.
2."Iamverygladyoulikedit."
3."Therehasbeensomuchsaid,and,onthewhole,sowellsaid,thatIwillnotoccupythetime."
4."Iagree,ingeneral,withmyfriendontheothersideoftheroom."
AtfirstIhadafeelingthatIwasgoingtobeatgreatcostforclothinghim.Butitproved,ofcourse,at
once,that,wheneverhewasout,Ishouldbeathome.AndIwent,duringthebrightperiodofhis
success,tosofewofthoseawfulpageantswhichrequireablackdresscoatandwhattheungodlycall,
afterMr.Dickens,awhitechoker,thatinthehappyretreatofmyowndressinggownsandjacketsmy
dayswentbyashappilyandcheaplyasthoseofanotherThalaba.AndPollydeclarestherewasnever
ayearwhenthetailoringcostsolittle.Helived(Dennis,notThalaba)inhiswife'sroomoverthe
kitchen.Hehadordersnevertoshowhimselfatthatwindow.Whenheappearedinthefrontofthe
house,Iretiredtomysanctissimumandmydressinggown.Inshort,theDutchmanand,hiswife,in
theoldweatherbox,hadnotlesstodowith,eachotherthanheandI.Hemadethefurnacefireand
splitthewoodbeforedaylightthenhewenttosleepagain,andsleptlatethencamefororders,witha
redsilkbandannatiedroundhishead,withhisoverallson,andhisdresscoatandspectaclesoff.Ifwe
happenedtobeinterrupted,nooneguessedthathewasFredericInghamaswellasIand,inthe
neighborhood,theregrewupanimpressionthattheminister'sIrishmanworkeddaytimesinthe
factoryvillageatNewCoventry.AfterIhadgivenhimhisorders,Ineversawhimtillthenextday.
IlaunchedhimbysendinghimtoameetingoftheEnlightenmentBoard.TheEnlightenmentBoard
consistsofseventyfourmembers,ofwhomsixtysevenarenecessarytoformaquorum.One
becomesamemberundertheregulationslaiddowninoldJudgeDudley'swill.Ibecameonebybeing
ordainedpastorofachurchinNaguadavick.Youseeyoucannothelpyourself,ifyouwould.Atthis
particulartimewehadhadfoursuccessivemeetings,averagingfourhourseachwhollyoccupiedin
whippinginaquorum.Atthefirstonlyelevenmenwerepresentatthenext,byforceofthree
circulars,twentysevenatthethird,thankstotwodays'canvassingbyAuchmutyandmyself,begging
mentocome,wehadsixty.HalftheotherswereinEurope.Butwithoutaquorumwecoulddo
nothing.Alltherestofuswaitedgrimlyforourfourhours,andadjournedwithoutanyaction.Atthe
fourthmeetingwehadflagged,andonlygotfiftyninetogether.Butonthefirstappearanceofmy
doublewhomIsentonthisfatalMondaytothefifthmeetinghewasthesixtyseventhmanwho
enteredtheroom.Hewasgreetedwithastormofapplause!Thepoorfellowhadmissedhisway
readthestreetsignsillthroughhisspectacles(veryill,infact,withoutthem)andhadnotdaredto
inquire.Heenteredtheroomfindingthepresidentandsecretaryholdingtotheirchairstwojudges
oftheSupremeCourt,whowerealsomembersexofficio,andwerebeggingleavetogoaway.Onhis
entranceallwaschanged.Presto,thebylawswereamended,andtheWesternpropertywasgiven
away.Nobodystoppedtoconversewithhim.Hevoted,asIhadchargedhimtodo,ineveryinstance,
withtheminority.Iwonnewlaurelsasamanofsense,thoughalittleunpunctualandDennis,alias
Ingham,returnedtotheparsonage,astonishedtoseewithhowlittlewisdomtheworldisgoverned.
Hecutafewofmyparishionersinthestreetbuthehadhisglassesoff,andIamknowntobe
nearsighted.EventuallyherecognizedthemmorereadilythanI.
I"sethimagain"attheexhibitionoftheNewCoventryAcademyandhereheundertooka"speaking
part"as,inmyboyish,worldlydays,IrememberthebillsusedtosayofMlle.Celeste.Weareall
trusteesoftheNewCoventryAcademyandtherehaslatelybeen"agooddealoffeeling"becausethe
Sandemaniantrusteesdidnotregularlyattendtheexhibitions.Ithasbeenintimated,indeed,thatthe
SandemaniansareleaningtowardsFreeWill,andthatwehave,therefore,neglectedthesesemi
55/170
2015.04.11.
annualexhibitions,whilethereisnodoubtthatAuchmutylastyearwenttoCommencementat
Waterville.NowtheheadmasteratNewCoventryisarealgoodfellow,whoknowsaSanskritroot
whenheseesit,andoftencracksetymologieswithmesothat,instrictness,Ioughttogototheir
exhibitions.Butthink,reader,ofsittingthroughthreelongJulydaysinthatAcademychapel,
followingtheprogramfrom
TuesdayMorning.EnglishComposition.Sunshine.MissJones,
roundto
TrioonThreePianos.DuelfromoperaofMidshipmanEasy.Marryatt.
cominginatnine,Thursdayevening!Thinkofthis,reader,formenwhoknowtheworldistryingto
gobackward,andwhowouldgivetheirlivesiftheycouldhelpiton!Well!Thedoublehadsucceeded
sowellattheBoard,thatIsenthimtotheAcademy.(ShadeofPlato,pardon!)Hearrivedearlyon
Tuesday,when,indeed,fewbutmothersandclergymenaregenerallyexpected,andreturnedinthe
eveningtous,coveredwithhonors.Hehaddinedattherighthandofthechairman,andhespokein
hightermsoftherepast.ThechairmanhadexpressedhisinterestintheFrenchconversation."Iam
verygladyoulikedit,"saidDennisandthepoorchairman,abashed,supposedtheaccenthadbeen
wrong.Attheendoftheday,thegentlemenpresenthadbeencalleduponforspeechestheRev.
FredericInghamfirst,asithappeneduponwhichDennishadrisen,andhadsaid,"Therehasbeenso
muchsaid,and,onthewhole,sowellsaid,thatIwillnotoccupythetime."Thegirlsweredelighted,
becauseDr.Dabney,theyearbefore,hadgiventhematthisoccasionascoldingonimproprietyof
behavioratlyceumlectures.TheyalldeclaredMr.Inghamwasaloveandsohandsome!(Dennisis
goodlooking.)Threeofthem,witharmsbehindtheothers'waists,followedhimuptothewagonhe
rodehomeinandalittlegirlwithabluesashhadbeensenttogivehimarosebud.Afterthisdebutin
speaking,hewenttotheexhibitionfortwodaysmore,tothemutualsatisfactionofallconcerned.
Indeed,Pollyreportedthathehadpronouncedthetrustees'dinnersofahighergradethanthoseofthe
parsonage.Whenthenexttermbegan,IfoundsixoftheAcademygirlshadobtainedpermissionto
comeacrosstheriverandattendourchurch.Butthisarrangementdidnotlongcontinue.
AfterthishewenttoseveralCommencementsforme,andatethedinnersprovidedhesatthrough
threeofourQuarterlyConventionsformealwaysvotingjudiciously,bythesimplerulementioned
above,ofsidingwiththeminority.AndI,meanwhile,whohadbeforebeenlosingcasteamongmy
friends,asholdingmyselfalooffromtheassociationsofthebody,begantoriseineverybody'sfavor.
"Ingham'sagoodfellowalwaysonhand""nevertalksmuchbutdoestherightthingattheright
time""isnotasunpunctualasheusedtobehecomesearly,andsitsthroughtotheend.""Hehas
gotoverhisoldtalkativehabit,too.IspoketoafriendofhisaboutitonceandIthinkInghamtookit
kindly,"etc.,etc.
ThisvotingpowerofDenniswasparticularlyvaluableatthequarterlymeetingsoftheProprietorsof
theNaguadavickFerry.Mywifeinheritedfromherfathersomesharesinthatenterprise,whichisnot
yetfullydeveloped,thoughitdoubtlesswillbecomeaveryvaluableproperty.ThelawofMainethen
forbadestockholderstoappearbyproxyatsuchmeetings.Pollydislikedtogo,notbeing,infact,a
"hens'rightshen,"andtransferredherstocktome.I,aftergoingonce,dislikeditmorethanshe.But
Denniswenttothenextmeeting,andlikeditverymuch.Hesaidthearmchairsweregood,the
collationgood,andthefreeridestostockholderspleasant.Hewasalittlefrightenedwhentheyfirst
tookhimupononeoftheferryboats,butaftertwoorthreequarterlymeetingshebecamequitebrave.
ThusfarIneverhadanydifficultywithhim.Indeed,beingofthattypewhichiscalledshiftless,he
wasonlytoohappytobetolddailywhattodo,andtobechargednottobeforthputtingorinanyway
originalinhisdischargeofthatduty.Helearned,however,todiscriminatebetweenthelinesofhis
life,andverymuchpreferredthesestockholders'meetingsandtrustees'dinnersandcommencement
collationstoanothersetofoccasions,fromwhichheusedtobegoffmostpiteously.Ourexcellent
brother,Dr.Fillmore,hadtakenanotionatthistimethatourSandemanianchurchesneededmore
56/170
2015.04.11.
expressionofmutualsympathy.Heinsisteduponitthatwewereremiss.Hesaid,that,iftheBishop
cametopreachatNaguadavick,alltheEpiscopalclergyoftheneighborhoodwerepresentifDr.
Pondcame,alltheCongregationalclergymenturnedouttohearhimifDr.Nichols,allthe
Unitariansandhethoughtweowedittoeachotherthat,whenevertherewasanoccasionalserviceat
aSandemanianchurch,theotherbrethrenshouldall,ifpossible,attend."Itlookedwell,"ifnothing
more.NowthisreallymeantthatIhadnotbeentohearoneofDr.Fillmore'slecturesonthe
EthnologyofReligion.HeforgotthathedidnothearoneofmycourseontheSandemanianismof
Anselm.ButIfeltbadlywhenhesaiditandafterwardsIalwaysmadeDennisgotohearallthe
brethrenpreach,whenIwasnotpreachingmyself.Thiswaswhathetookexceptionstotheonly
thing,asIsaid,whichheeverdidexceptto.Nowcametheadvantageofhislongmorningnap,andof
thegreenteawithwhichPollysuppliedthekitchen.Buthewouldplead,sohumbly,tobeletoff,only
fromoneortwo!Ineverexceptedhim,however.Iknewthelectureswereofvalue,andIthoughtit
bestheshouldbeabletokeeptheconnection.
PollyismorerashthanIam,asthereaderhasobservedintheoutsetofthismemoir.Sherisked
Dennisonenightundertheeyesofherownsex.GovernorGorgeshadalwaysbeenverykindtous
andwhenhegavehisgreatannualpartytothetown,askedus.IconfessIhatedtogo.Iwasdeepin
thenewvolumeofPfeiffer'sMystics,whichHaliburtonhadjustsentmefromBoston."Buthow
rude,"saidPolly,"nottoreturntheGovernor'scivilityandMrs.Gorges's,whentheywillbesureto
askwhyyouareaway!"StillIdemurred,andatlastshe,withthewitofEveandofSemiramis
conjoined,letmeoffbysayingthat,ifIwouldgoinwithher,andsustaintheinitialconversations
withtheGovernorandtheladiesstayingthere,shewouldriskDennisfortherestoftheevening.And
thatwasjustwhatwedid.ShetookDennisintrainingallthatafternoon,instructedhiminfashionable
conversation,cautionedhimagainstthetemptationsofthesuppertableandatnineintheeveninghe
droveusalldowninthecarryall.ImadethegrandstarentrewithPollyandtheprettyWaltongirls,
whowerestayingwithus.WehadputDennisintoagreatroughtopcoat,withouthisglassesand
thegirlsneverdreamed,inthedarkness,oflookingathim.Hesatinthecarriage,atthedoor,while
weentered.IdidtheagreeabletoMrs.Gorges,wasintroducedtoherniece.MissFernandaI
complimentedJudgeJeffriesonhisdecisioninthegreatcaseofD'Aulnayvs.LaconiaMiningCo.I
steppedintothedressingroomforamomentsteppedoutforanotherwalkedhome,afteranod
withDennis,andtyingthehorsetoapumpandwhileIwalkedhome,Mr.FredericIngham,my
double,steppedinthroughthelibraryintotheGorges'sgrandsaloon.
Oh!Pollydiedoflaughingasshetoldmeofitatmidnight!Andevenhere,whereIhavetoteachmy
handstohewthebeechforstakestofenceourcave,shediesoflaughingassherecallsitandsays
thatsingleoccasionwasworthallwehavepaidforit.GallantEvethatsheis!ShejoinedDennisat
thelibrarydoor,andinaninstantpresentedhimtoDr.Ochterlong,fromBaltimore,whowasona
visitintown,andwastalkingwithher,asDenniscamein."Mr.Inghamwouldliketohearwhatyou
weretellingusaboutyoursuccessamongtheGermanpopulation."AndDennisbowedandsaid,in
spiteofascowlfromPolly,"I'mverygladyoulikedit."ButDr.Ochterlongdidnotobserve,and
plungedintothetideofexplanation,Dennislisteninglikeaprimeminister,andbowinglikea
mandarinwhichis,Isuppose,thesamething.PollydeclareditwasjustlikeHaliburton'sLatin
conversationwiththeHungarianminister,ofwhichheisveryfondoftelling."Quoenesithistoria
ReformationisinUngari?"quothHaliburton,aftersomethought.Andhisconfrrerepliedgallantly,
"Inseculodecimotertio,"etc.,etc.,etc.andfromdecimotertio[Whichmeans,"Inthethirteenth
century,"mydearlittlebellandcoralreader.Youhaverightlyguessedthatthequestionmeans,
"WhatisthehistoryoftheReformationinHungary?"]tothenineteenthcenturyandahalflastedtill
theoysterscame.SowasitthatbeforeDr.Ochterlongcametothe"success,"ornearit,Governor
GorgescametoDennisandaskedhimtohandMrs.Jeffriesdowntosupper,arequestwhichheheard
withgreatjoy.
Pollywasskippingroundtheroom,Iguess,gayasalark.Auchmutycametoher"inpityforpoor
Ingham,"whowassoboredbythestupidpunditandAuchmutycouldnotunderstandwhyIstoodit
solong.ButwhenDennistookMrs.Jeffriesdown,Pollycouldnotresiststandingnearthem.Hewas
57/170
2015.04.11.
alittleflustered,tillthesightoftheeatablesanddrinkablesgavehimthesameMerciancourage
whichitgaveDiggory.Alittleexcitedthen,heattemptedoneortwoofhisspeechestotheJudge's
lady.Butlittleheknewhowharditwastogetinevenapromptuthereedgewise."Verywell,Ithank
you,"saidhe,aftertheeatingelementswereadjusted"andyou?"Andthendidnothehavetohear
aboutthemumps,andthemeasles,andarnica,andbelladonna,andchamomileflower,and
dodecathem,tillshechangedoystersforsaladandthenabouttheoldpracticeandthenew,andwhat
hersistersaid,andwhathersister'sfriendsaid,andwhatthephysiciantohersister'sfriendsaid,and
thenwhatwassaidbythebrotherofthesisterofthephysicianofthefriendofhersister,exactlyasif
ithadbeeninOllendorff?Therewasamoment'spause,asshedeclinedchampagne."Iamveryglad
youlikedit,"saidDennisagain,whichhenevershouldhavesaid,buttoonewhocomplimenteda
sermon."Oh!youaresosharp,Mr.Ingham!No!Ineverdrinkanywineatallexceptsometimesin
summeralittlecurrantspiritsfromourowncurrants,youknow.Myownmotherthatis,Icallher
myownmother,because,youknow,Idonotremember,"etc.,etc.,etc.tilltheycametothecandied
orangeattheendofthefeastwhenDennis,ratherconfused,thoughthemustsaysomething,and
triedNo.4"Iagree,ingeneral,withmyfriendtheothersideoftheroom"whichhenevershould
havesaidbutatapublicmeeting.ButMrs.Jeffries,whoneverlistensexpectingtounderstand,caught
himupinstantlywith,"Well,I'msuremyhusbandreturnsthecomplimenthealwaysagreeswithyou
thoughwedoworshipwiththeMethodistsbutyouknow,Mr.Ingham,"etc.,etc.,etc.,tillthe
movewasmadeupstairsandasDennisledherthroughthehall,hewasscarcelyunderstoodbyany
butPolly,ashesaid,"Therehasbeensomuchsaid,and,onthewhole,sowellsaid,thatIwillnot
occupythetime."
Hisgreatresourcetherestoftheeveningwasstandinginthelibrary,carryingonanimated
conversationswithoneandanotherinmuchthesameway.Pollyhadinitiatedhiminthemysteriesof
adiscoveryofmine,thatitisnotnecessarytofinishyoursentenceinacrowd,butbyasortof
mumble,omittingsibilantsanddentals.This,indeed,ifyourwordsfailyou,answerseveninpublic
extemporespeechbutbetterwhereothertalkingisgoingon.Thus:"WemissedyouattheNatural
HistorySociety,Ingham."Inghamreplies:"Iamverygligloglum,thatis,thatyouweremmmm
m."Bygraduallydroppingthevoice,theinterlocutoriscompelledtosupplytheanswer."Mrs.
Ingham,IhopeyourfriendAugustaisbetter."Augustahasnotbeenill.Pollycannotthinkof
explaining,however,andanswers:"Thankyou,ma'amsheisveryrearasonwewahwewob,"inlower
andlowertones.AndMrs.Throckmorton,whoforgotthesubjectofwhichshespoke,assoonasshe
askedthequestion,isquitesatisfied.Denniscouldseeintothecardroom,andcametoPollytoaskif
hemightnotgoandplayallfours.But,ofcourse,shesternlyrefused.Atmidnighttheycamehome
delightedly:Polly,asIsaid,wildtotellmethestoryofvictoryonlyboththeprettyWaltongirlssaid:
"CousinFrederic,youdidnotcomenearmealltheevening."
WealwayscalledhimDennisathome,forconvenience,thoughhisrealnamewasFredericIngham,
asIhaveexplained.Whentheelectiondaycameround,however,Ifoundthatbysomeaccidentthere
wasonlyoneFredericIngham'snameonthevotinglistand,asIwasquitebusythatdayinwriting
someforeignletterstoHalle,IthoughtIwouldforegomyprivilegeofsuffrage,andstayquietlyat
home,tellingDennisthathemightusetherecordonthevotinglistandvote.Igavehimaticket,
whichItoldhimhemightuse,ifhelikedto.ThatwasthatverysharpelectioninMainewhichthe
readersofTheAtlanticsowellremember,andithadbeenintimatedinpublicthattheministerswould
dowellnottoappearatthepolls.Ofcourse,afterthat,wehadtoappearbyselforproxy.Still,
Naguadavickwasnotthenacity,andthisstandinginadoublequeueattownmeetingseveralhoursto
votewasaboreofthefirstwaterandso,whenIfoundthattherewasbutoneFredericInghamonthe
list,andthatoneofusmustgiveup,Istayedathomeandfinishedtheletters(which,indeed,procured
forFothergillhiscovetedappointmentofProfessorofAstronomyatLeavenworth),andIgave
Dennis,aswecalledhim,thechance.Somethinginthemattergaveagooddealofpopularitytothe
FredericInghamnameandattheadjournedelection,nextweek,FredericInghamwaschosentothe
legislature.WhetherthiswasIorDennis,Ineverreallyknew.MyfriendsseemedtothinkitwasI
butIfelt,that,asDennishaddonethepopularthing,hewasentitledtothehonorsoIsenthimto
Augustawhenthetimecame,andhetooktheoaths.Andaveryvaluablememberhemade.They
58/170
2015.04.11.
appointedhimontheCommitteeonParishesbutIwrotealetterforhim,resigning,ontheground
thathetookaninterestinourclaimtothestumpageintheminister'ssixteenthsofGoreA,nextNo.7,
inthe10thRange.Henevermadeanyspeeches,andalwaysvotedwiththeminority,whichwaswhat
hewassenttodo.Hemademeandhimselfagreatmanygoodfriends,someofwhomIdidnot
afterwardsrecognizeasquicklyasDennisdidmyparishioners.Ononeortwooccasions,whenthere
waswoodtosawathome,IkepthimathomebutItookthoseoccasionstogotoAugustamyself.
Findingmyselfofteninhisvacantseatatthesetimes,Iwatchedtheproceedingswithagooddealof
careandoncewassomuchexcitedthatIdeliveredmysomewhatcelebratedspeechontheCentral
SchoolDistrictquestion,aspeechofwhichtheStateofMaineprintedsomeextracopies.Ibelieve
thereisnoformalrulepermittingstrangerstospeakbutnooneobjected.
Dennishimself,asIsaid,neverspokeatall.Butourexperiencethissessionledmetothink,thatif,by
somesuch"generalunderstanding"asthereportsspeakofinlegislationdaily,everymemberof
Congressmightleaveadoubletositthroughthosedeadlysessionsandanswertorollcallsanddothe
legitimatepartyvoting,whichappearsstereotypedintheregularlistofAshe,Bocock,Black,etc.,we
shouldgaindecidedlyinworkingpower.Asthingsstand,thesaddeststateprisonIevervisitisthat
Representatives'ChamberinWashington.Ifamanleavesforanhour,twenty"correspondents"may
behowling,"WherewasMr.PrendergastwhentheOregonbillpassed?"AndifpoorPrendergast
staysthere!Certainly,theworstuseyoucanmakeofamanistoputhiminprison!
Iknow,indeed,thatpublicmenofthehighestrankhaveresortedtothisexpedientlongago.Dumas's
novelofTheIronMaskturnsonthebrutalimprisonmentofLouistheFourteenth'sdouble.There
seemslittledoubt,inourownhistory,thatitwastherealGeneralPiercewhoshedtearswhenthe
delegatefromLawrenceexplainedtohimthesufferingsofthepeoplethereandonlyGeneral
Pierce'sdoublewhohadgiventheordersfortheassaultonthattown,whichwasinvadedthenextday.
Mycharmingfriend,GeorgeWithers,has,Iamalmostsure,adouble,whopreacheshisafternoon
sermonsforhim.Thisisthereasonthatthetheologyoftenvariessofromthatoftheforenoon.But
thatdoubleisalmostascharmingastheoriginal.Someofthemostwelldefinedmen,whostandout
mostprominentlyonthebackgroundofhistory,areinthiswaystereoscopicmenwhoowetheir
distinctrelieftotheslightdifferencesbetweenthedoubles.AllthisIknow.Mypresentsuggestionis
simplythegreatextensionofthesystem,sothatallpublicmachineworkmaybedonebyit.
ButIseeIloiteronmystory,whichisrushingtotheplunge.Letmestopaninstantmore,however,to
recall,wereitonlytomyself,thatcharmingyearwhileallwasyetwell.Afterthedoublehadbecome
amatterofcourse,fornearlytwelvemonthsbeforeheundidme,whatayearitwas!Fullofactive
life,fullofhappylove,ofthehardestwork,ofthesweetestsleep,andthefulfilmentofsomanyofthe
freshaspirationsanddreamsofboyhood!Denniswenttoeveryschoolcommitteemeeting,andsat
throughallthoselatewranglingswhichusedtokeepmeuptillmidnightandawaketillmorning.He
attendedallthelecturestowhichforeignexilessentmeticketsbeggingmetocomefortheloveof
HeavenandofBohemia.Heacceptedandusedalltheticketsforcharityconcertswhichweresentto
me.Heappearedeverywherewhereitwasspeciallydesirablethat"ourdenomination,"or"ourparty,"
or"ourclass,"or"ourfamily,"or"ourstreet,"or"ourtown,"or"ourcountry,"or"ourstate,"should
befullyrepresented.AndIfellbacktothatcharminglifewhichinboyhoodonedreamsof,whenhe
supposesheshalldohisowndutyandmakehisownsacrifices,withoutbeingtiedupwiththoseof
otherpeople.MyrustySanskrit,Arabic,Hebrew,Greek,Latin,French,Italian,Spanish,Germanand
Englishbegantotakepolish.Heavens!howlittleIhaddonewiththemwhileIattendedtomypublic
duties!Mycallsonmyparishionersbecamethefriendly,frequent,homelikesociabilitiestheywere
meanttobe,insteadofthehardworkofamangoadedtodesperationbythesightofhislistsof
arrears.Andpreaching!whataluxurypreachingwaswhenIhadonSundaythewholeresultofan
individual,personalweek,fromwhichtospeaktoapeoplewhomallthatweekIhadbeenmeetingas
handtohandfriend!InevertiredonSunday,andwasinconditiontoleavethesermonathome,ifI
chose,andpreachitextempore,asallmenshoulddoalways.Indeed,Iwonder,whenIthinkthata
sensiblepeoplelikeoursreallymoreattachedtotheirclergythantheywereinthelostdays,when
theMathersandNortonswerenoblemenshouldchoosetoneutralizesomuchoftheirministers'
59/170
2015.04.11.
lives,anddestroysomuchoftheirearlytraining,bythisundefinedpassionforseeingtheminpublic.
Itspringsfromourbalancingofsects.IfaspiritedEpiscopaliantakesaninterestinthealmshouse,
andisputonthePoorBoard,everyotherdenominationmusthaveaministerthere,lestthepoorhouse
bechangedintoSt.Paul'sCathedral.IfaSandemanianischosenpresidentoftheYoungMen's
Library,theremustbeaMethodistvicepresidentandaBaptistsecretary.AndifaUniversalist
SundaySchoolConventioncollectsfivehundreddelegates,thenextCongregationalistSabbath
SchoolConferencemustbeaslarge,"lest'they'whoevertheymaybeshouldthink'we'whoever
wemaybearegoingdown."
Freedfromthesenecessities,thathappyyear,Ibegantoknowmywifebysight.Wesaweachother
sometimes.Inthoselongmornings,whenDenniswasinthestudyexplainingtomappeddlersthatI
hadelevenmapsofJerusalemalready,andtoschoolbookagentsthatIwouldseethemhangedbefore
IwouldbebribedtointroducetheirtextbooksintotheschoolssheandIwereatworktogether,asin
thoseolddreamydaysandintheseofourlogcabinagain.Butallthiscouldnotlastandatlength
poorDennis,mydouble,overtaskedinturn,undidme.
Itwasthusithappened.ThereisanexcellentfellowonceaministerIwillcallhimIsaacswho
deserveswelloftheworldtillhedies,andafterbecauseheonce,inarealexigency,didtheright
thing,intherightway,attherighttime,asnoothermancoulddoit.Intheworld'sgreatfootball
match,theballbychancefoundhimloiteringontheoutsideofthefieldheclosedwithit,"camped"
it,charged,ithomeyes,rightthroughtheothersidenotdisturbed,notfrightenedbyhisown
successandbreathlessfoundhimselfagreatmanastheGreatDeltarangapplause.Buthedidnot
findhimselfarichmanandthefootballhasnevercomeinhiswayagain.Fromthatmomenttothis
momenthehasbeenofnouse,thatonecansee,atall.Still,forthatgreatactwespeakofIsaacs
gratefullyandrememberhimkindlyandheforgeson,hopingtomeetthefootballsomewhereagain.
Inthatvaguehope,hehadarrangeda"movement"forageneralorganizationofthehumanfamilyinto
DebatingClubs,CountySocieties,StateUnions,etc.,etc.,withaviewofinducingallchildrentotake
holdofthehandlesoftheirknivesandforks,insteadofthemetal.Childrenhavebadhabitsinthat
way.Themovement,ofcourse,wasabsurdbutwealldidourbesttoforward,notit,buthim.Itcame
timefortheannualcountymeetingonthissubjecttobeheldatNaguadavick.Isaacscameround,
goodfellow!toarrangeforitgotthetownhall,gottheGovernortopreside(thesaint!heoughtto
havetripletdoublesprovidedhimbylaw),andthencametogetmetospeak."No,"Isaid,"Iwould
notspeak,iftenGovernorspresided.Idonotbelieveintheenterprise.IfIspoke,itshouldbetosay
childrenshouldtakeholdoftheprongsoftheforksandthebladesoftheknives.Iwouldsubscribeten
dollars,butIwouldnotspeakamill."SopoorIsaacswenthisway,sadly,tocoaxAuchmutytospeak,
andDelafield.Iwentout.Notlongafter,hecameback,andtoldPollythattheyhadpromisedto
speaktheGovernorwouldspeakandhehimselfwouldclosewiththequarterlyreport,andsome
interestinganecdotesregarding.MissBiffin'swayofhandlingherknifeandMr.Nellis'swayof
footinghisfork."NowifMr.Inghamwillonlycomeandsitontheplatform,heneednotsayone
wordbutitwillshowwellinthepaperitwillshowthattheSandemanianstakeasmuchinterestin
themovementastheArmeniansortheMesopotamians,andwillbeagreatfavortome."Polly,good
soul!wastempted,andshepromised.SheknewMrs.Isaacswasstarving,andthebabiessheknew
Denniswasathomeandshepromised!Nightcame,andIreturned.Iheardherstory.Iwassorry.I
doubted.ButPollyhadpromisedtobegme,andIdaredall!ItoldDennistoholdhispeace,underall
circumstances,andsenthimdown.
Itwasnothalfanhourmorebeforehereturned,wildwithexcitementinaperfectIrishfurywhich
itwaslongbeforeIunderstood.ButIknewatoncethathehadundoneme!
Whathappenedwasthis:Theaudiencegottogether,attractedbyGovernorGorges'sname.There
wereathousandpeople.PoorGorgeswaslatefromAugusta.Theybecameimpatient.Hecamein
directfromthetrainatlast,reallyignorantoftheobjectofthemeeting.Heopeneditinthefewest
possiblewords,andsaidothergentlemenwerepresentwhowouldentertainthembetterthanhe.The
audienceweredisappointed,butwaited.TheGovernor,promptedbyIsaacs,said,"TheHonorableMr.
60/170
2015.04.11.
Delafieldwilladdressyou."Delafieldhadforgottentheknivesandforks,andwasplayingtheRuy
Lopezopeningatthechessclub."TheRev.Mr.Auchmutywilladdressyou."Auchmutyhad
promisedtospeaklate,andwasattheschoolcommittee."IseeDr.Stearnsinthehallperhapshewill
sayaword."Dr.Stearnssaidhehadcometolistenandnottospeak.TheGovernorandIsaacs
whispered.TheGovernorlookedatDennis,whowasresplendentontheplatformbutIsaacs,togive
himhisdue,shookhishead.Butthelookwasenough.Amiserablelad,illbred,whohadoncebeenin
Boston,thoughtitwouldsoundwelltocallforme,andpeepedout,"Ingham!"Afewmorewretches
cried,"Ingham!Ingham!"StillIsaacswasfirmbuttheGovernor,anxious,indeed,topreventarow,
knewIwouldsaysomething,andsaid,"OurfriendMr.Inghamisalwayspreparedandthoughwe
hadnotrelieduponhim,hewillsayaword,perhaps."Applausefollowed,whichturnedDennis's
head.Herose,flattered,andtriedNo.3:"Therehasbeensomuchsaid,and,onthewhole,sowell
said,thatIwillnotlongeroccupythetime!"andsatdown,lookingforhishatforthingsseemed
squally.Butthepeoplecried,"Goon!goon!"andsomeapplauded.Dennis,stillconfused,but
flatteredbytheapplause,towhichneitherhenorIareused,roseagain,andthistimetriedNo.2:"I
amverygladyoulikedit!"inasonorous,cleardelivery.Mybestfriendsstared.Allthepeoplewho
didnotknowmepersonallyyelledwithdelightattheaspectoftheeveningtheGovernorwasbeside
himself,andpoorIsaacsthoughthewasundone!Alas,itwasI!Aboyinthegallerycriedinaloud
tone,"It'sallaninfernalhumbug,"justasDennis,wavinghishand,commandedsilence,andtriedNo.
4:"Iagree,ingeneral,withmyfriendtheothersideoftheroom."ThepoorGovernordoubtedhis
senses,andcrossedtostophimnotintime,however.Thesamegalleryboyshouted,"How'syour
mother?"andDennis,nowcompletelylost,tried,ashislastshot,No.1,vainly:"Verywell,thank
youandyou?"
IthinkImusthavebeenundonealready.ButDennis,likeanotherLockhardchose"tomakesicker."
Theaudienceroseinawhirlofamazement,rage,andsorrow.Someotherimpertinence,aimedat
Dennis,brokeallrestraint,and,inpureIrish,hedeliveredhimselfofanaddresstothegallery,inviting
anypersonwhowishedtofighttocomedownanddosostating,thattheywerealldogsand
cowardsthathewouldtakeanyfiveofthemsinglehanded,"Shure,IhavesaidallhisRiverence
andtheMisthressbademesay,"criedhe,indefianceand,seizingtheGovernor'scanefromhishand,
brandishedit,quarterstafffashion,abovehishead.Hewas,indeed,gotfromthehallonlywiththe
greatestdifficultybytheGovernor,theCityMarshal,whohadbeencalledin,andtheSuperintendent
ofmySundaySchool.
Theuniversalimpression,ofcourse,was,thattheRev.FredericInghamhadlostallcommandof
himselfinsomeofthosehauntsofintoxicationwhichforfifteenyearsIhavebeenlaboringtodestroy.
Tillthismoment,indeed,thatistheimpressioninNaguadavick.ThisnumberofTheAtlanticwill
relievefromitahundredfriendsofminewhohavebeensadlywoundedbythatnotionnowforyears
butIshallnotbelikelyevertoshowmyheadthereagain.
No!Mydoublehasundoneme.
Welefttownatseventhenextmorning.IcametoNo.9,intheThirdRange,andsettledonthe
Minister'sLot,InthenewtownsinMaine,thefirstsettledministerhasagiftofahundredacresof
land.IamthefirstsettledministerinNo.9.MywifeandlittlePaulinaaremyparish.Weraisecorn
enoughtoliveoninsummer.Wekillbear'smeatenoughtocarbonizeitinwinter.Iworkonsteadily
onmyTracesofSandemanianismintheSixthandSeventhCenturies,whichIhopetopersuade
Phillips,Sampson&Co.topublishnextyear.Weareveryhappy,buttheworldthinksweareundone.
AVISITTOTHEASYLUMFORAGEDANDDECAYEDPUNSTERS
ByOliverWendellHolmes(18091894)
61/170
2015.04.11.
[FromTheAtlanticMonthly,January,1861.RepublishedinSoundingsfromtheAtlantic(1864),by
OliverWendellHolmes,whoseauthorizedpublishersaretheHoughtonMifflinCompany.]
HavingjustreturnedfromavisittothisadmirableInstitutionincompanywithafriendwhoisoneof
theDirectors,weproposegivingashortaccountofwhatwesawandheard.Thegreatsuccessofthe
AsylumforIdiotsandFeeblemindedYouth,severalofthescholarsfromwhichhavereached
considerabledistinction,oneofthembeingconnectedwithaleadingDailyPaperinthiscity,and
othershavingservedintheStateandNationalLegislatures,wasthemotivewhichledtothe
foundationofthisexcellentcharity.Ourlatedistinguishedtownsman,NoahDow,Esquire,asiswell
known,bequeathedalargeportionofhisfortunetothisestablishment"beingtheretomoved,"ashis
willexpressedit,"bythedesireofN.DowingsomepublicInstitutionforthebenefitofMankind."
BeingconsultedastotheRulesoftheInstitutionandtheselectionofaSuperintendent,hereplied,that
"allBoardsmustconstructtheirownPlatformsofoperation.Letthemselectanyhowandheshouldbe
pleased."N.E.Howe,Esq.,waschosenincompliancewiththisdelicatesuggestion.
TheCharterprovidesforthesupportof"OnehundredagedanddecayedGentlemenPunsters."On
inquiryiftherewaynoprovisionforfemales,myfriendcalledmyattentiontothisremarkable
psychologicalfact,namely:
THEREISNOSUCHTHINGASAFEMALEPUNSTER.
Thisremarkstruckmeforcibly,andonreflectionIfoundthatIneverknewnorheardofone,thoughI
haveonceortwiceheardawomanmakeasingledetachedpun,asIhaveknownahentocrow.
OnarrivingatthesouthgateoftheAsylumgrounds,Iwasabouttoring,butmyfriendheldmyarm
andbeggedmetorapwithmystick,whichIdid.Anoldmanwithaverycomicalfacepresently
openedthegateandputouthishead.
"SoyoupreferCanetoAbell,doyou?"hesaidandbeganchucklingandcoughingatagreatrate.
Myfriendwinkedatme.
"You'reherestill,OldJoe,Isee,"hesaidtotheoldman.
"Yes,yesandit'sveryodd,consideringhowoftenI'vebolted,nights."
Hethenthrewopenthedoublegatesforustoridethrough.
"Now,"saidtheoldman,ashepulledthegatesafterus,"you'vehadalongjourney."
"Why,howisthat,OldJoe?"saidmyfriend.
"Don'tyousee?"heanswered"there'stheEasthingesontheonesideofthegate,andthere'stheWest
hingesont'othersidehaw!haw!haw!"
Wehadnosoonergotintotheyardthanafeeblelittlegentleman,witharemarkablybrighteye,came
uptous,lookingveryserious,asifsomethinghadhappened.
"ThetownhasenteredacomplaintagainsttheAsylumasagamblingestablishment,"hesaidtomy
friend,theDirector.
"Whatdoyoumean?"saidmyfriend.
"Why,theycomplainthatthere'saloto'ryeonthepremises,"heanswered,pointingtoafieldofthat
grainandhobbledaway,hisshouldersshakingwithlaughter,ashewent.
62/170
2015.04.11.
Onenteringthemainbuilding,wesawtheRulesandRegulationsfortheAsylumconspicuously
postedup.Imadeafewextractswhichmaybeinteresting:
SECT.I.OFVERBALEXERCISES.
5.EachInmateshallbepermittedtomakePunsfreelyfromeightinthemorninguntiltenatnight,
exceptduringServiceintheChapelandGracebeforeMeals.
6.Atteno'clockthegaswillbeturnedoff,andnofurtherPuns,Conundrums,orotherplayonwords
willbeallowedtobeuttered,ortobeutteredaloud.
9.InmateswhohavelosttheirfacultiesandcannotanylongermakePunsshallbepermittedtorepeat
suchasmaybeselectedforthembytheChaplainoutoftheworkofMr.JosephMiller.
10.ViolentandunmanageablePunsters,whointerruptotherswhenengagedinconversation,with
Punsorattemptsatthesame,shallbedeprivedoftheirJosephMillers,and,ifnecessary,placedin
solitaryconfinement.
SECT.III.OFDEPORTMENTATMEALS.
4.NoInmateshallmakeanyPun,orattemptatthesame,untiltheBlessinghasbeenaskedandthe
companyaredecentlyseated.
7.CertainPunshavingbeenplacedontheIndexExpurgatoriusoftheInstitution,noInmateshallbe
allowedtoutterthem,onpainofbeingdebarredtheperusalofPunchandVanityFair,and,if
repeated,deprivedofhisJosephMiller.
Amongthesearethefollowing:
AllusionstoAtticsalt,whenaskedtopassthesaltcellar.
RemarksontheInmatesbeingmustered,etc.,etc.
AssociatingbakedbeanswiththebenefactorsoftheInstitution.
Sayingthatbeefeatingisbefitting,etc.,etc.
Thefollowingarealsoprohibited,exceptingtosuchInmatesasmayhavelosttheirfacultiesand
cannotanylongermakePunsoftheirown:
"yourownhairorawig""itwillbelongenough,"etc.,etc."littleofitsage,"etc.,etc.also,
playinguponthefollowingwords:_hos_pitalmayorpunpitiedbreadsauce,etc.,etc.,etc.See
INDEXEXPURGATORIUS,printedforuseofInmates.
ThesubjoinedConundrumisnotallowed:WhyisHastyPuddinglikethePrince?Becauseitcomes
attendedbyitssweetnorthisvariationtoit,towit:Becausethe'lassesrunsafterit.
TheSuperintendent,whowentroundwithus,hadbeenanotedpunsterinhistime,andwellknownin
thebusinessworld,butlosthiscustomersbymakingtoofreewiththeirnamesasinthefamous
storyhesetafloatin'29offourJerriesattachingtothenamesofanotedJudge,aneminentLawyer,
theSecretaryoftheBoardofForeignMissions,andthewellknownLandlordatSpringfield.Oneof
thefourJerries,headded,wasofgiganticmagnitude.Theplayonwordswasbroughtoutbyan
accidentalremarkofSolomons,thewellknownBanker."Capitalpunishment!"theJewwas
overheardsaying,withreferencetotheguiltyparties.Hewasunderstood,assaying,Acapitalpunis
meant,whichledtoaninvestigationandthereliefofthegreatlyexcitedpublicmind.
63/170
2015.04.11.
TheSuperintendentshowedsomeofhisoldtendencies,ashewentroundwithus.
"Doyouknow"hebrokeoutallatonce"whytheydon'ttakesteppesinTartaryforestablishing
InsaneHospitals?"
Webothconfessedignorance.
"Becausetherearenomadpeopletobefoundthere,"hesaid,withadignifiedsmile.
HeproceededtointroduceustodifferentInmates.Thefirstwasamiddleaged,scholarlyman,who
wasseatedatatablewithaWebster'sDictionaryandasheetofpaperbeforehim.
"Well,whatlucktoday,Mr.Mowzer?"saidtheSuperintendent.
"Threeorfouronly,"saidMr.Mowzer."Willyouhear'emnownowI'mhere?"
Weallnodded.
"Don'tyouseeWebsterersinthewordscent_er_andtheat_er_?
"Ifhespellsleatherlether,andfeatherfether,isn'ttheredangerthathe'llgiveusabadspellof
weather?
"Besides,Websterisaresurrectionisthedoesnotallowutorestquietlyinthemould.
"Andagain,becauseMr.Worcesterinsertsanillustrationinhistext,isthatanyreasonwhyMr.
Webster'spublishersshouldhitchoneonintheirappendix?It'swhatIcallaConnectacuttrick.
"Whyishiswayofspellinglikethefloorofanoven?Becauseitisunderbread."
"Mowzer!"saidtheSuperintendent,"thatwordisontheIndex!"
"Iforgot,"saidMr.Mowzer"pleasedon'tdeprivemeofVanityFairthisonetime,sir."
"Theseareall,thismorning.Goodday,gentlemen."Thentothe
Superintendent:"Addyou,sir!"
ThenextInmatewasasemiidioticlookingoldman.Hehadaheapofblocklettersbeforehim,and,
aswecameup,hepointed,withoutsayingaword,tothearrangementshehadmadewiththemonthe
table.Theywereevidentlyanagrams,andhadthemeritoftransposingthelettersofthewords
employedwithoutadditionorsubtraction.Hereareafewofthem:
TIMES.SMITE!POST.STOP!
TRIBUNE.TRUENIB.WORLD.DR.OWL.
ADVERTISER.{RESVERIDAT.{ISTRUE.READ!
ALLOPATHY.ALLO'TH'PAY.HOMOEOPATHY.O,THE!O!O,MY!PAH!
ThementionofseveralNewYorkpapersledtotwoorthreequestions.Thus:WhethertheEditorof
TheTribunewasH.G.really?Ifthecomplexionofhispoliticswerenotaccountedforbyhisbeingan
eagerpersonhimself?WhetherWendellFillipswerenotareducedcopyofJohnKnocks?Whethera
NewYorkFeuilletonisteisnotthesamethingasaFellowdownEast?
64/170
2015.04.11.
Atthistimeaplausiblelooking,baldheadedmanjoinedus,evidentlywaitingtotakeapartinthe
conversation.
"Goodmorning,Mr.Riggles,"saidtheSuperintendent,"Anythingfreshthismorning?Any
Conundrum?"
"Ihaven'tlookedatthecattle,"heanswered,dryly.
"Cattle?Whycattle?"
"Why,toseeifthere'sanycornunder'em!"hesaidandimmediatelyasked,"WhyisDouglaslikethe
earth?"
Wetried,butcouldn'tguess.
"Becausehewasflattenedoutatthepolls!"saidMr.Riggles.
"Afamouspolitician,formerly,"saidtheSuperintendent."HisgrandfatherwasaseizeHessianistin
theRevolutionaryWar.Bytheway,Ihearthefreezeoildoctrinesdon'tgodownatNewBedford."
ThenextInmatelookedasifhemighthavebeenasailorformerly.
"Askhimwhathiscallingwas,"saidtheSuperintendent.
"Followedthesea,"herepliedtothequestionputbyoneofus."Wentasmateinafishingschooner."
"Whydidyougiveitup?"
"BecauseIdidn'tlikeworkingfortwomasters,"hereplied.
Presentlywecameuponagroupofelderlypersons,gatheredaboutavenerablegentlemanwith
flowinglocks,whowaspropoundingquestionstoarowofInmates.
"CananyInmategivemeamottoforM.Berger?"hesaid.
Nobodyrespondedfortwoorthreeminutes.Atlastoneoldman,whomIatoncerecognizedasa
GraduateofourUniversity(Anno1800)helduphishand.
"Remacuetetigit."
"Gototheheadoftheclass,Josselyn,"saidthevenerablepatriarch.
ThesuccessfulInmatedidashewastold,butinaveryroughway,pushingagainsttwoorthreeofthe
Class.
"Howisthis?"saidthePatriarch.
"Youtoldmetogoupjostlin',"hereplied.
Theoldgentlemenwhohadbeenshovedaboutenjoyedthepuntoomuchtobeangry.
PresentlythePatriarchaskedagain:
"WhywasM.Bergerauthorizedtogotothedancesgiventothe
Prince?"
TheClasshadtogiveupthis,andheansweredithimself:
65/170
2015.04.11.
"Becauseeveryoneofhiscarromswasatickittotheball."
"Whocollectsthemoneytodefraytheexpensesofthelastcampaignin
Italy?"askedthePatriarch.
HereagaintheClassfailed.
"Thewarcloud'srollingDun,"heanswered.
"Andwhatismulledwinemadewith?"
Threeorfourvoicesexclaimedatonce:
"SizzleyMadeira!"
Hereaservantentered,andsaid,"Luncheontime."Theoldgentlemen,whohaveexcellentappetites,
dispersedatonce,oneofthempolitelyaskingusifwewouldnotstopandhaveabitofbreadanda
littlemiteofcheese.
"ThereisonethingIhaveforgottentoshowyou,"saidtheSuperintendent,"thecellforthe
confinementofviolentandunmanageablePunsters."
Wewereverycurioustoseeit,particularlywithreferencetotheallegedabsenceofeveryobjectupon
whichaplayofwordscouldpossiblybemade.
TheSuperintendentledusupsomedarkstairstoacorridor,thenalonganarrowpassage,thendowna
broadflightofstepsintoanotherpassageway,andopenedalargedoorwhichlookedoutonthemain
entrance.
"Wehavenotseenthecellfortheconfinementof'violentandunmanageable'Punsters,"weboth
exclaimed.
"Thisisthesell!"heexclaimed,pointingtotheoutsideprospect.
Myfriend,theDirector,lookedmeinthefacesogoodnaturedlythat
Ihadtolaugh.
"WeliketohumortheInmates,"hesaid."Ithasabadeffect,wefind,ontheirhealthandspiritsto
disappointthemoftheirlittlepleasantries.Someofthejeststowhichwehavelistenedarenotnewto
me,thoughIdaresayyoumaynothaveheardthemoftenbefore.Thesamethinghappensingeneral
society,withthisadditionaldisadvantage,thatthereisnopunishmentprovidedfor'violentand
unmanageable'Punsters,asinourInstitution."
WemadeourbowtotheSuperintendentandwalkedtotheplacewhereourcarriagewaswaitingfor
us.Onourway,anexceedinglydecrepitoldmanmovedslowlytowardus,withaperfectlyblanklook
onhisface,butstillappearingasifhewishedtospeak.
"Look!"saidtheDirector"thatisourCentenarian."
Theancientmancrawledtowardus,cockedoneeye,withwhichheseemedtoseealittle,upatus,
andsaid:
"Sarvant,youngGentlemen.Whyisaaalikeaaa?Giveitup?
Becauseit'saaaa."
Hesmiledapleasantsmile,asifitwereallplainenough.
66/170
2015.04.11.
"OnehundredandsevenlastChristmas,"saidtheDirector."Oflateyearsheputshiswhole
Conundrumsinblankbuttheypleasehimjustaswell."
Wetookourdeparture,muchgratifiedandinstructedbyourvisit,hopingtohavesomefuture
opportunityofinspectingtheRecordsofthisexcellentCharityandmakingextractsforthebenefitof
ourReaders.
THECELEBRATEDJUMPINGFROGOFCALAVERASCOUNTY
ByMarkTwain(18351910)
[FromTheSaturdayPress,Nov.18,1865.RepublishedinThe
CelebratedJumpingFrogofCalaverasCounty,andOtherSketches
(1867),byMarkTwain,allofwhoseworksarepublishedbyHarper&
Brothers.]
Incompliancewiththerequestofafriendofmine,whowrotemefromtheEast,Icalledongood
natured,garrulousoldSimonWheeler,andinquiredaftermyfriend'sfriend,LeonidasW.Smiley,as
requestedtodo,andIhereuntoappendtheresult.IhavealurkingsuspicionthatLeonidasW.Smiley
isamythandthatmyfriendneverknewsuchapersonageandthatheonlyconjecturedthatifI
askedoldWheelerabouthim,itwouldremindhimofhisinfamousJimSmiley,andhewouldgoto
workandboremetodeathwithsomeexasperatingreminiscenceofhimaslongandastediousasit
shouldbeuselesstome.Ifthatwasthedesign,itsucceeded.
IfoundSimonWheelerdozingcomfortablybythebarroomstoveofthedilapidatedtaverninthe
decayedminingcampofAngel's,andInoticedthathewasfatandbaldheaded,andhadan
expressionofwinninggentlenessandsimplicityuponhistranquilcountenance.Herousedup,and
gavemegoodday.Itoldhimafriendhadcommissionedmetomakesomeinquiriesabouta
cherishedcompanionofhisboyhoodnamedLeonidasW.SmileyRev.LeonidasW.Smiley,ayoung
ministeroftheGospel,whohehadheardwasatonetimearesidentofAngel'sCamp.Iaddedthatif
Mr.WheelercouldtellmeanythingaboutthisRev.LeonidasW.Smiley,Iwouldfeelundermany
obligationstohim.
SimonWheelerbackedmeintoacornerandblockadedmetherewithhischair,andthensatdownand
reeledoffthemonotonousnarrativewhichfollowsthisparagraph.Heneversmiled,heneverfrowned,
heneverchangedhisvoicefromthegentleflowingkeytowhichhetunedhisinitialsentence,he
neverbetrayedtheslightestsuspicionofenthusiasmbutallthroughtheinterminablenarrativethere
ranaveinofimpressiveearnestnessandsincerity,whichshowedmeplainlythat,sofarfromhis
imaginingthattherewasanythingridiculousorfunnyabouthisstory,heregardeditasareally
importantmatter,andadmireditstwoheroesasmenoftranscendentgeniusinfinesse.Ilethimgoon
inhisownway,andneverinterruptedhimonce.
"Rev.LeonidasW.H'm,ReverendLewell,therewasafellerhereoncebythenameofJimSmiley,
inthewinterof'49ormaybeitwasthespringof'50Idon'trecollectexactly,somehow,though
whatmakesmethinkitwasoneortheotherisbecauseIrememberthebigflumewarn'tfinished
whenhefirstcametothecampbutanyway,hewasthecuriousestmanaboutalwaysbettingon
anythingthatturnedupyoueversee,ifhecouldgetanybodytobetontheothersideandifhe
couldn'the'dchangesides.Anywaythatsuitedtheothermanwouldsuithimanywayjustso'she
gotabet,hewassatisfied.Butstillhewaslucky,uncommonluckyhemostalwayscomeoutwinner.
Hewasalwaysreadyandlayingforachancetherecouldn'tbenosolit'rythingmentionedbutthat
feller'doffertobetonit,andtakeanysideyouplease,asIwasjusttellingyou.Iftherewasahorse
race,you'dfindhimflushoryou'dfindhimbustedattheendofitiftherewasadogfight,he'dbeton
67/170
2015.04.11.
itiftherewasacatfight,he'dbetonitiftherewasachickenfight,he'dbetonitwhy,iftherewas
twobirdssettingonafence,hewouldbetyouwhichonewouldflyfirstoriftherewasacamp
meeting,hewouldbetherereg'lartobetonParsonWalker,whichhejudgedtobethebestexhorter
abouthere,andhewas,too,andagoodman.Ifheevenseeastraddlebugstarttogoanywheres,he
wouldbetyouhowlongitwouldtakehimtogettotowhereverhewasgoingto,andifyoutook
himup,hewouldfollerthatstraddlebugtoMexicobutwhathewouldfindoutwherehewasbound
forandhowlonghewasontheroad.LotsoftheboysherehasseenthatSmileyandcantellyou
abouthim.Why,itnevermadenodifferencetohimhe'dbetonanythingthedangestfeller.
ParsonWalker'swifelaidverysickonce,foragoodwhile,anditseemedasiftheywarn'tgoingto
saveherbutonemorninghecomein,andSmileyupandaskedhimhowshewas,andhesaidshe
wasconsiderablebetterthanktheLordforhisinf'nit'mercyandcomingonsosmartthatwiththe
blessingofProv'denceshe'dgetwellyetandSmiley,beforehethought,says,Well,I'llrisktwoand
ahalfshedon'tanyway.'"
ThishyerSmileyhadamaretheboyscalledherthefifteenminutenag,butthatwasonlyinfun,
youknow,because,ofcourse,shewasfasterthanthatandheusedtowinmoneyonthathorse,for
allshewassoslowandalwayshadtheasthma,orthedistemper,ortheconsumption,orsomethingof
thatkind.Theyusedtogivehertwoorthreehundredyardsstart,andthenpassherunderwaybut
alwaysatthefagendoftheraceshe'dgetexcitedanddesperatelike,andcomecavortingand
straddlingup,andscatteringherlegsaroundlimber,sometimesintheair,andsometimesouttoone
sideamongstthefences,andkickingupmoredustandraisingmoreracketwithhercoughing
andsneezingandblowinghernoseandalwaysfetchupatthestandjustaboutaneckahead,asnear
asyoucouldcipheritdown.
Andhehadalittlesmallbullpup,thattolookathimyou'dthinkhewarn'tworthacentbuttoset
aroundandlookorneryandlayforachancetostealsomething.Butassoonasmoneywasuponhim
hewasadifferentdoghisunderjaw'dbegintostickoutlikethefo'castleofasteamboat,andhis
teethwoulduncoverandshinelikethefurnaces.Andadogmighttacklehimandbullyraghim,and
bitehim,andthrowhimoverhisshouldertwoorthreetimes,andAndrewJacksonwhichwasthe
nameofthepupAndrewJacksonwouldneverletonbutwhathewassatisfied,andhadn'texpected
nothingelseandthebetsbeingdoubledanddoubledontheothersideallthetime,tillthemoney
wasallupandthenallofasuddenhewouldgrabthatotherdogjestbythej'intofhishindlegand
freezetoitnotchaw,youunderstand,butonlyjustgripandhangontilltheythrowedupthesponge,
ifitwasayear.Smileyalwayscomeoutwinneronthatpup,tillheharnessedadogoncethatdidn't
havenohindlegs,becausethey'dbeensawedoffinacircularsaw,andwhenthethinghadgonealong
farenough,andthemoneywasallup,andhecometomakeasnatchforhispetholt,heseeina
minutehowhe'dbeenimposedon,andhowtheotherdoghadhiminthedoor,sotospeak,andhe
'pearedsurprised,andthenhelookedsorterdiscouragedlike,anddidn'ttrynomoretowinthefight,
andsohegotshuckedoutbad.HegaveSmileyalook,asmuchastosayhisheartwasbroke,andit
washisfault,forputtingupadogthathadn'tnohindlegsforhimtotakeholtof,whichwashismain
dependenceinafight,andthenhelimpedoffapieceandlaiddownanddied.Itwasagoodpup,was
thatAndrewJackson,andwouldhavemadeanameforhisselfifhe'dlived,forthestuffwasinhim
andhehadgeniusIknowit,becausehehadn'tnoopportunitiestospeakof,anditdon'tstandto
reasonthatadogcouldmakesuchafightashecouldunderthemcircumstancesifhehadn'tnotalent.
ItalwaysmakesmefeelsorrywhenIthinkofthatlastfightofhis'n,andthewayitturnedout.
Well,thishyerSmileyhadrattarriers,andchickencocks,andtomcatsandallofthemkindofthings,
tillyoucouldn'trest,andyoucouldn'tfetchnothingforhimtobetonbuthe'dmatchyou.Heketched
afrogoneday,andtookhimhome,andsaidhecal'latedtoeducatehimandsoheneverdonenothing
forthreemonthsbutsetinhisbackyardandlearnthatfrogtojump.Andyoubetyouhedidlearn
him,too.He'dgivehimalittlepunchbehind,andthenextminuteyou'dseethatfrogwhirlinginthe
airlikeadoughnutseehimturnonesummerset,ormaybeacouple,ifhegotagoodstart,andcome
downflatfootedandallright,likeacat.Hegothimupsointhematterofketchingflies,andkep'him
inpracticesoconstant,thathe'dnailaflyeverytimeasfurashecouldseehim.Smileysaidallafrog
68/170
2015.04.11.
wantedwaseducation,andhecoulddo'mostanythingandIbelievehim.Why,I'veseenhimset
Dan'lWebsterdownhereonthisfloorDan'lWebsterwasthenameofthefrogandsingout,
"Flies,Dan'l,flies!"andquicker'nyoucouldwinkhe'dspringstraightupandsnakeaflyoff'nthe
counterthere,andflopdownonthefloorag'inassolidasagobofmud,andfalltoscratchingtheside
ofhisheadwithhishindfootasindifferentasifhehadn'tnoideahe'dbeendoin'anymore'nanyfrog
mightdo.Youneverseeafrogsomodestandstraightfor'ardashewas,forallhewassogifted.And
whenitcometofairandsquarejumpingonadeadlevel,hecouldgetovermoregroundatone
straddlethananyanimalofhisbreedyoueversee.Jumpingonadeadlevelwashisstrongsuit,you
understandandwhenitcometothat,Smileywouldanteupmoneyonhimaslongashehadared.
Smileywasmonstrousproudofhisfrog,andwellhemightbe,forfellersthathadtraveledandbeen
everywheres,allsaidhelaidoveranyfrogthatevertheysee.
Well,Smileykep'thebeastinalittlelatticebox,andheusedtofetchhimdowntownsometimesand
layforabet.Onedayafellerastrangerinthecamp,hewascomeacrosthimwithhisbox,and
says:
"Whatmightbethatyou'vegotinthebox?"
AndSmileysays,sorterindifferentlike,"Itmightbeaparrot,oritmightbeacanary,maybe,butit
ain'tit'sonlyjustafrog."
Andthefellertookit,andlookedatitcareful,andturneditroundthiswayandthat,andsays,"H'm
so'tis.Well,what'shegoodfor?"
"Well,"Smileysays,easyandcareless,"he'sgoodenoughforonething,Ishouldjudgehecan
outjumpanyfroginCalaverascounty."
Thefellertooktheboxagain,andtookanotherlong,particularlook,andgiveitbacktoSmiley,and
says,verydeliberate,"Well,"hesays,"Idon'tseenop'intsaboutthatfrogthat'sanybetter'nanyother
frog."
"Maybeyoudon't,"Smileysays."Maybeyouunderstandfrogsandmaybeyoudon'tunderstand'em
maybeyou'vehadexperience,andmaybeyouain'tonlyaamature,asitwere.Anyways,I'vegotmy
opinionandI'llriskfortydollarsthathecanoutjumpanyfroginCalaverasCounty."
Andthefellerstudiedaminute,andthensays,kindersadlike,"Well,I'monlyastrangerhere,andI
ain'tgotnofrogbutifIhadafrog,I'dbetyou."
AndthenSmileysays,"That'sallrightthat'sallrightifyou'llholdmyboxaminute,I'llgoandget
youafrog."Andsothefellertookthebox,andputuphisfortydollarsalongwithSmiley's,andset
downtowait.
Sohesetthereagoodwhilethinkingandthinkingtohisself,andthenhegotthefrogoutandprized
hismouthopenandtookateaspoonandfilledhimfullofquailshotfilled!himprettynearuptohis
chinandsethimonthefloor.Smileyhewenttotheswampandsloppedaroundinthemudfora
longtime,andfinallyheketchedafrog,andfetchedhimin,andgivehimtothisfeller,andsays:
"Now,ifyou'reready,sethimalongsideofDan'l,withhisforepawsjustevenwithDan'l's,andI'll
givetheword."Thenhesays,"Onetwothreegit!"andhimandthefellertouchedupthefrogs
frombehind,andthenewfroghoppedofflively,butDan'lgiveaheave,andhysteduphisshoulders
solikeaFrenchman,butitwarn'tnousehecouldn'tbudgehewasplantedassolidasachurch,
andhecouldn'tnomorestirthanifhewasanchoredout.Smileywasagooddealsurprised,andhe
wasdisgustedtoo,buthedidn'thavenoideawhatthematterwas,ofcourse.
Thefellertookthemoneyandstartedawayandwhenhewasgoingoutatthedoor,hesorterjerked
69/170
2015.04.11.
histhumboverhisshouldersoatDan'l,andsaysagain,verydeliberate,"Well,"hesays,"Idon't
seenop'intsaboutthatfrogthat'sanybetter'nanyotherfrog."
SmileyhestoodscratchinghisheadandlookingdownatDan'lalongtime,andatlastsays,"Ido
wonderwhatinthenationthatfrogthrowedoffforIwonderifthereain'tsomethingthematterwith
himhe'pearstolookmightybaggy,somehow."AndheketchedDan'lupbythenapoftheneck,
andheftedhim,andsays,"Whyblamemycatsifhedon'tweighfivepounds!"andturnedhimupside
downandhebelchedoutadoublehandfulofshot.Andthenheseehowitwas,andhewasthe
maddestmanhesetthefrogdownandtookoutafterthatfeller,butheneverketchedhim.And
(HereSimonWheelerheardhisnamecalledfromthefrontyard,andgotuptoseewhatwaswanted.)
Andturningtomeashemovedaway,hesaid:"Justsetwhereyouare,stranger,andresteasyIain't
goingtobegoneasecond."
But,byyourleave,IdidnotthinkthatacontinuationofthehistoryoftheenterprisingvagabondJim
SmileywouldbelikelytoaffordmemuchinformationconcerningtheRev.LeonidasW.Smiley,and
soIstartedaway.
AtthedoorImetthesociableWheelerreturning,andhebuttonholedmeandrecommenced:
"Well,thishyerSmileyhadayaller,oneeyedcowthatdidn'thavenotail,onlyjestashortstumplike
abannanner,and"
However,lackingbothtimeandinclination,Ididnotwaittohearabouttheafflictedcow,buttookmy
leave.
ELDERBROWN'SBACKSLIDE
ByHarryStillwellEdwards(1855)
[FromHarper'sMagazine,August,1885copyright,1885,byHarper&Bros.republishedinthe
volume,TwoRunaways,andOtherStories(1889),byHarryStillwellEdwards(TheCenturyCo.).]
ElderBrowntoldhiswifegoodbyatthefarmhousedoorasmechanicallyasthoughhisproposedtrip
toMacon,tenmilesaway,wasaneverydayaffair,while,asamatteroffact,manyyearshadelapsed
sinceunaccompaniedhesetfootinthecity.Hedidnotkissher.Manyverygoodmenneverkisstheir
wives.Butsmallblameattachestotheelderforhisomissiononthisoccasion,sincehiswifehadlong
agodiscouragedallamorousdemonstrationsonthepartofherliegelord,andatthisparticular
momentwasfillingthepartingmomentswitharattlinglistofdirectionsconcerningthread,buttons,
hooks,needles,andallthemanyetceterasofanindustrioushousewife'sbasket.Theelderwas
laboriouslyassortingthesepostscriptcommissionsinhismemory,wellknowingthattoreturnwith
anyoneofthemneglectedwouldcausetroubleinthefamilycircle.
ElderBrownmountedhispatientsteedthatstoodsleepilymotionlessinthewarmsunlight,withhis
greatpointedearsdisplayedtotherightandleft,asthoughtheirownerhadgrowntiredofthelife
burdentheirweightinflicteduponhim,andwas,oldsoldierfashion,readytoforegotheoncerigid
alertnessofearlytrainingforthepleasuresoffrequentrestonarms.
"And,elder,don'tyouforgitthemcalikerscraps,oryou'llbewantin'kiversoonan'nokiverwillbea
comin'."
ElderBrowndidnotturnhishead,butmerelyletthewhiphand,whichhadbeencheckedinits
backwardmotion,fallasheansweredmechanically.Thebeasthebestroderespondedwitharapid
70/170
2015.04.11.
whiskingofitstailandagreatshowofeffort,asitambledoffdownthesandyroad,therider'slong
legsseemingnowandthentotouchtheground.
Butasthezigzagpanelsoftherailfencecreptbehindhim,andhefeltthefreedomofthemorning
beginningtoactuponhiswelltrainedblood,themechanicalmanneroftheoldman'smindgaveplace
toamildexuberance.Aweightseemedtobeliftingfromitouncebyounceasthefencepanels,the
weedycorners,thepersimmonsproutsandsassafrasbushescreptawaybehindhim,sothatbythe
timeamilelaybetweenhimandthelifepartnerofhisjoysandsorrowshewasinareasonably
contentedframeofmind,andstillimproving.
ItwasaqueerfigurethatcreptalongtheroadthatcheeryMaymorning.Itwastallandgaunt,andhad
beenforthirtyyearsormore.Thelonghead,baldontop,coveredbehindwithirongrayhair,andin
frontwithashorttangledgrowththatcurledandkinkedineverydirection,wassurmountedbyanold
fashionedstovepipehat,wornandstained,buteminentlyimpressive.AnoldfashionedHenryClay
clothcoat,stainedandthreadbare,divideditselfimpartiallyoverthedonkey'sbackanddangledonhis
sides.Thiswasallthatremainedoftheelder'sweddingsuitoffortyyearsago.Onlyconstantcare,
anduseoflateyearslimitedtoextraoccasions,hadpreserveditsolong.Thetrousershadsoonparted
companywiththeirfriends.Thesubstituteswereredjeans,which,whiletheydidnotwellmatchhis
courtcostume,werebetterabletowithstandtheoldman'sabuse,forif,inadditiontohisfrequent
religiousexcursionsastridehisbeast,thereeverwasamanwhowasfondofsittingdownwithhisfeet
higherthanhishead,itwasthisselfsameElderBrown.
Themorningexpanded,andtheoldmanexpandedwithitforwhileavigorousleaderinhischurch,
theelderathomewas,itmustbeadmitted,anuncomplainingslave.Totheintenseastonishmentof
thebeastherode,therecamenewvigorintothewhackswhichfelluponhisflanksandthebeast
allowedastonishmenttosurprisehimintoreallifeanddecidedmotion.Somewhereintheelder's
expandingsoulatunehadbeguntoring.Possiblyhetookupthefar,fainttunethatcamefromthe
stragglinggangofnegroesawayoffinthefield,astheyslowlychoppedamidthethreadlikerowsof
cottonplantswhichlinedthelevelground,forthemelodyhehummedsoftlyandthensangstrongly,
inthequavering,catchytonesofagoodoldcountrychurchman,was"I'mgladsalvation'sfree."
ItwasduringthesingingofthishymnthatElderBrown'sregularmotioninspiringstrokeswerefor
thefirsttimevaried.Hebegantoholdhishickoryupatcertainpausesinthemelody,andbeatthe
changesuponthesidesofhisastonishedsteed.Thechorusunderthisarrangementwas:
I'mgladsalvation'sfree,
I'mgladsalvation'sfree,
I'mgladsalvation'sfreeforall,
I'mgladsalvation'sfree.
Whereverthereisanitalic,thehickorydescended.Itfellaboutasregularlyandafterthefashionof
thestickbeatinguponthebassdrumduringafuneralmarch.Butthebeast,althoughconvincedthat
somethingseriouswasimpending,didnotconsiderafuneralmarchappropriatefortheoccasion.He
protested,atfirst,withvigorouswhiskingsofhistailandarapidshiftingofhisears.Findingthese
demonstrationsunavailing,andconvincedthatsomeurgentcauseforhurryhadsuddenlyinvadedthe
elder'sserenity,asithadhisown,hebegantocoverthegroundwithfranticleapsthatwouldhave
surprisedhisownercouldhehaverealizedwhatwasgoingon.ButElderBrown'seyeswerehalf
closed,andhewassingingatthetopofhisvoice.Lostinatranceofdivineexaltation,forhefeltthe
effectsoftheinvigoratingmotion,bentonlyonmakingtheairringwiththelineswhichhedimly
imaginedweredrawinguponhimtheeyesofthewholefemalecongregation,hewassupremely
unconsciousthathisbeastwashurrying.
Andthustheexcursionproceeded,untilsuddenlyashote,surprisedinhiscalmsearchforrootsina
fencecorner,dartedintotheroad,andstoodforaninstantgazinguponthenewcomerswiththat
idioticstarewhichonlyapigcanimitate.Thesuddenappearanceofthisunlookedforapparition
71/170
2015.04.11.
actedstronglyuponthedonkey.Withonesupremeefforthecollectedhimselfintoamotionlessmass
ofmatter,bracinghisfrontlegswideapartthatistosay,hestoppedshort.Therehestood,returning
thepig'sidioticstarewithaninterestwhichmusthaveledtothepresumptionthatneverbeforeinall
hisvariedlifehadheseensuchasingularlittlecreature.Endoverendwentthemanofprayer,finally
bringingupfulllengthinthesand,strikingjustasheshouldhaveshouted"free"forthefourthtimein
hisgloriouschorus.
Fullyconvincedthathisalarmhadbeenwellfounded,theshotespedoutfromunderthegigantic
missilehurledathimbythedonkey,andscampereddowntheroad,turningfirstoneearandthenthe
othertodetectanysoundsofpursuit.Thedonkey,alsoconvincedthattheobjectbeforewhichhehad
haltedwassupernatural,startedbackviolentlyuponseeingitapparentlyturntoaman.Butseeingthat
ithadturnedtonothingbutaman,hewanderedupintothedesertedfencecorner,andbegantonibble
refreshmentfromascruboak.
Foramomenttheeldergazedupintothesky,halfimpressedwiththeideathatthecampmeeting
platformhadgivenway.Butthetruthforceditswaytothefrontinhisdisorderedunderstandingat
last,andwithpainfuldignityhestaggeredintoanuprightposition,andregainedhisbeaver.Hewas
shockedagain.Neverbeforeinallthelongyearsithadservedhimhadheseenitinsuchshape.The
truthis,ElderBrownhadneverbeforetriedtostandonhisheadinit.Ascalmlyaspossiblehebegan
tostraightenitout,caringbutlittleforthedustuponhisgarments.Thebeaverwashisspecialcrown
ofdignity.Toloseitwastobereducedtoalevelwiththecommonwoolhatherd.Hedidhisbest,
pulling,pressing,andpushing,butthehatdidnotlooknaturalwhenhehadfinished.Itseemedto
havebeenlaidoffintocounties,sections,andtownlots.Likeawellcutjewel,ithadafaceforhim,
viewitfromwhateverpointhechose,aqualitywhichsoimpressedhimthatalumpgatheredinhis
throat,andhiseyeswinkedvigorously.
ElderBrownwasnot,however,amanfortears.Hewasamanofaction.Thesuddenvisionwhich
methiswanderinggaze,thedonkeycalmlychewingscrubbuds,withthegreenjuicealreadyoozing
fromthecornersofhisfrothymouth,acteduponhimlikemagic.Hewas,afterall,onlyhuman,and
whenhegothandsuponapieceofbrushhethrashedthepoorbeastuntilitseemedasthoughevenits
alreadyhalftannedhidewouldbeeternallyruined.Thoroughlyexhaustedatlast,hewearilystraddled
hissaddle,andwithhischinuponhisbreastresumedtheearlymorningtenorofhisway.
II
"Goodmornin',sir."
ElderBrownleanedoverthelittlepinepicketwhichdividedthebookkeepers'departmentofaMacon
warehousefromtheroomingeneral,andsurveyedthewelldressedbackofagentlemanwhowas
busilyfiguringatadeskwithin.Theapartmentwascarpetless,andthedustofadecadelaydeepon
theoldbooks,shelves,andthefamiliaradvertisementsofguanoandfertilizerswhichdecoratedthe
room.Anoldstove,rustywiththenicotinecontributedbyfarmersduringthepreviousseasonwhile
waitingbyitsglowingsidesfortheircottontobesold,stoodstraightupinabedofsand,andfestoons
ofcobwebsclungtotheuppersashesofthemurkywindows.Thelowersashofonewindowhadbeen
raised,andintheyardwithout,nearlyanacreinextent,layafewbalesofcotton,withjaggedholesin
theirends,justasthesamplerhadleftthem.ElderBrownhadtimetonoticeallthesefamiliarpoints,
forthefigureatthedeskkeptserenelyatitstask,anddeignednoreply.
"Goodmornin',sir,"saidElderBrownagain,inhismostdignifiedtones."IsMr.Thomasin?"
"Goodmorning,sir,"saidthefigure."I'llwaitonyouinaminute."
Theminutepassed,andfourmorejoinedit.Thenthedeskmanturned.
72/170
2015.04.11.
"Well,sir,whatcanIdoforyou?"
Theelderwasnotinthebestofhumorwhenhearrived,andhisstateofmindhadnotimproved.He
waitedfullaminuteashesurveyedthemanofbusiness.
"IthoughtImoutbeabletomakesomearrangementswithyoutogitsomemoney,butIreckonIwas
mistaken."Thewarehousemancamenearer.
"ThisisMr.Brown,Ibelieve.Ididnotrecognizeyouatonce.Youarenotinoftentoseeus."
"Nomywifeusually'tendstothetownbizness,whileIrunthechurchandfarm.Gotafallfrommy
donkeythismorning,"hesaid,noticingaquizzical,interrogatinglookuponthefacebeforehim,"and
fellsquar'onthehat."Hemadeapretenseofsmoothingit.Themanofbusinesshadalreadylost
interest.
"Howmuchmoneywillyouwant,Mr.Brown?"
"Well,aboutsevenhundreddollars,"saidtheelder,replacinghishat,andturningafurtivelookupon
thewarehouseman.Theotherwastappingwithhispenciluponthelittleshelflyingacrosstherail.
"Icangetyoufivehundred."
"ButIoughterhaveseven."
"Can'tarrangeforthatamount.Waittilllaterintheseason,andcomeagain.Moneyisverytightnow.
Howmuchcottonwillyouraise?"
"Well,Icountonahundr'dbales.An'youcan'tgitthesev'nhundr'ddollars?"
"Liketoobligeyou,butcan'trightnowwillfixitforyoulateron."
"Well,"saidtheelder,slowly,"fixupthepapersforfive,an'I'llmakeitgoasfaraspossible."
Thepapersweredrawn.Anotewasmadeoutfor$552.50,fortheinterestwasatoneandahalfper
cent.forsevenmonths,andamortgageontenmulesbelongingtotheelderwasdrawnandsigned.
Theelderthenpromisedtosendhiscottontothewarehousetobesoldinthefall,andwithacurt
"Anythingelse?"anda"Thankee,that'sall,"thetwoparted.
ElderBrownnowmadeanefforttorecallthesupplementalcommissionsshoutedtohimuponhis
departure,intendingtoexecutethemfirst,andthentakehiswrittenlistitembyitem.Hismental
resolveshadjustreachedthispointwhenanewthoughtmadeitselfknown.Passersbywerepuzzledto
seetheoldmansuddenlysnatchhisheadpieceoffandpeerwithanintentandawestruckairintoits
irregularcaverns.Someofthemwereshockedwhenhesuddenlyandvigorouslyejaculated:
"HannahMariaJemimy!goldarnan'blueblazes!"
Hehadsuddenlyrememberedhavingplacedhismemorandainthathat,andashestudieditsempty
depthshismindpicturedtheimportantscrapflutteringalongthesandysceneofhisearlymorning
tumble.Itwasthisthatcausedhimtograzeanoathwithlessmarginthathehadallowedhimselfin
twentyyears.Whatwouldtheoldladysay?
Alas!ElderBrownknewtoowell.Whatshewouldnotsaywaswhatpuzzledhim.Butashestood
bareheadedinthesunlightasenseofutterdesolationcameanddweltwithhim.Hiseyerestedupon
sleepingBalaamanchoredtoapostinthestreet,andsoasherecalledthetreacherythatlayatthebase
ofallhisaffliction,gloomwasaddedtothedesolation.
73/170
2015.04.11.
Toturnbackandsearchforthelostpaperwouldhavebeenworsethanuseless.Onlyonecoursewas
opentohim,andatitwenttheleaderofhispeople.Hecalledatthegroceryheinvadedtherecesses
ofthedrygoodsestablishmentsheransackedthehardwarestoresandwhereverhewenthemadelife
aburdenfortheclerks,overhaulingshowcasesandpullingdownwholeshelvesofstock.
Occasionallyanitemofhismemorandawouldcometolight,andthrustinghishandintohiscapacious
pocket,wherelaytheproceedsofhischeck,hewouldpayforituponthespot,andinsistuponhaving
itrolledup.Tothesuggestionoftheslavewhomhehadinchargeforthetimebeingthatthearticles
belaidasideuntilhehadfinished,hewouldnotlisten.
"Nowyoulookhere,sonny,"hesaid,inthedrygoodsstore,"I'mconductingthisrevival,an'Idon't
neednohelpinmyline.Justyoutiethemstockin'supan'lemmehave'em.ThenIknowI'vegot'em."
Aseachpurchasewaspromptlypaidfor,andchangehadtobesecured,theclerkearnedhissalaryfor
thatdayatleast.
Soitwaswhen,neartheheatoftheday,thegoodmanarrivedatthedrugstore,thelastandonly
unvisiteddivisionoftrade,hemadehisappearanceequippedwithhalfahundredpackages,which
nestledinhisarmsandbulgedoutaboutthesectionsofhisclothingthatboastedofpockets.Ashe
depositedhisdeckloaduponthecounter,greatdropsofperspirationrolleddownhisfaceandoverhis
waterloggedcollartothefloor.
Therewassomethingexquisitelyrefreshinginthegreatglassesoffoamingsodathataspruceyoung
manwasdrawingfromamarblefountain,abovewhichhalfadozenpolarbearsinanambitiousprint
weredisportingthemselves.Therecameabreakintherunofcustomers,andthespruceyoungman,
havingsweptthefoamfromthemarble,dexterouslyliftedaglassfromtherevolvingrackwhichhad
rinseditwithafiercelittlestreamofwater,andaskedmechanically,ashecaughttheintenselookof
theperspiringelder,"Whatsyrup,sir?"
Nowithadnotoccurredtotheeldertodrinksoda,butthesuggestion,comingasitdidinhis
exhaustedstate,wasoverpowering.Hedrewnearawkwardly,putonhisglasses,andexaminedthe
listofsyrupswithgreatcare.Theyoungman,beingforthemomentatleisure,surveyedcriticallythe
gauntfigure,thefadedbandanna,theantiqueclawhammercoat,andthebatteredstovepipehat,with
agraduallyrelaxingcountenance.Heevencalledtheprescriptionclerk'sattentionbyacoughanda
quickjerkofthethumb.Theprescriptionclerksmiledfreely,andcontinuedhisassaultsuponapiece
ofbluemass.
"Ireckon,"saidtheelder,restinghishandsuponhiskneesandbendingdowntothelist,"youmay
gimmesassprillaan'alittlestrawberry.Sassprilla'sgoodforthebloodthistimeeryear,an'
strawberry'sgoodanytime."
Thespruceyoungmanletthesyrupstreamintotheglassashesmiledaffably.Thinking,perhaps,to
drawouttheoddcharacter,heventureduponajesthimself,repeatingapuninventedbythemanwho
madethefirstsodafountain.Withasweepofhisarmheclearedawaytheswarmofinsectsashe
remarked,"Peoplewholikeaflyintheirsareeasilyaccommodated."
ItwasfromsheergoodnatureonlythatElderBrownreplied,withhisusualbroad,socialsmile,
"Well,aflynowan'thendon'thurtnobody."
Nowifthereisanybodyintheworldwhoprideshimselfonknowingathingortwo,itisthespruce
youngmanwhopresidesoverasodafountain.Thisparticularyounggentlemandidnotevendeema
replynecessary.Hevanishedaninstant,andwhenhereturnedacloseobservermighthaveseenthat
themixtureintheglassheborehadslightlychangedcolorandincreasedinquantity.Buttheelder
sawonlythewhizzingstreamofwaterdartintoitscenter,andtherosyfoamriseandtrembleonthe
glass'srim.Thenextinstanthewasholdinghisbreathandsippingthecoolingdrink.
AsElderBrownpaidhissmallscorehewasatpeacewiththeworld.Ifirmlybelievethatwhenhehad
74/170
2015.04.11.
finishedhistrading,andthelittlebluestringedpackageshadbeenstoredaway,couldthepoordonkey
havemadehisappearanceatthedoor,andgazedwithhismeek,fawnlikeeyesintohismaster's,he
wouldhaveobtainedfullandfreeforgiveness.
ElderBrownpausedatthedoorashewasabouttoleave.Arosycheekedschoolgirlwasjustliftinga
creamymixturetoherlipsbeforethefountain.Itwasaprettypicture,andheturnedback,resolvedto
indulgeinonemoreglassofthedelightfulbeveragebeforebeginninghislongridehomeward.
"Fixitupagain,sonny,"hesaid,renewinghisbroad,confidingsmile,asthespruceyoungmanpoised
aglassinquiringly.Thelivingautomatonwentthroughthesamemotionsasbefore,andagainElder
Brownquaffedthefatalmixture.
Whatasingularpowerishabit!UptothistimeElderBrownhadbeenentirelyinnocentof
transgression,butwiththeoldalcoholicfireinhisveins,twentyyearsdroppedfromhisshoulders,
andafeelingcameoverhimfamiliartoeverymanwhohasbeen"inhiscups."Asamatteroffact,the
elderwouldhavebeenaconfirmeddrunkardtwentyyearsbeforehadhiswifebeenlessstrong
minded.Shetookthereinsintoherownhandswhenshefoundthathisbusinessandstrongdrinkdid
notmixwell,workedhimintothechurch,sustainedhisresolutionsbymakingitdifficultand
dangerousforhimtogettohistoddy.Shebecamethebusinessheadofthefamily,andhethe
spiritual.Onlyatrareintervalsdidheever"backslide"duringthetwentyyearsofthenewera,and
Mrs.Brownherselfusedtosaythatthe"sugarinhis'nturnedtogallbeforethebackslideended."
Peoplewhoknewherneverdoubtedit.
ButElderBrown'ssinduringtheremainderofthedaycontainedanelementofresponsibility.Ashe
movedmajesticallydowntowardwhereBalaamsleptinthesunlight,hefeltnofatigue.Therewasa
glowuponhischeekbones,andafainttingeuponhisprominentnose.Henoddedfamiliarlytopeople
ashemetthem,andsawnotthelookofamusementwhichsucceededastonishmentuponthevarious
faces.WhenhereachedtheneighborhoodofBalaamitsuddenlyoccurredtohimthathemighthave
forgottensomeoneofhisnumerouscommissions,andhepausedtothink.Thenabrilliantidearosein
hismind.HewouldforestallblameanddisarmangerwithkindnesshewouldpurchaseHannaha
bonnet.
Whatwoman'shearteverfailedtosoftenatsightofanewbonnet?
AsIhavestated,theelderwasamanofaction.Heenteredastorenearathand.
"Goodmorning,"saidanaffablegentlemanwithaHebrewcountenance,approaching.
"Goodmornin',goodmornin',"saidtheelder,pilinghisbundlesonthecounter."Ihopeyouare
well?"ElderBrownextendedhishandfervidly.
"Quitewell,Ithankyou.What"
"Andthelittlewife?"saidElderBrown,affectionatelyretainingthe
Jew'shand.
"Quitewell,sir."
"Andthelittleonesquitewell,Ihope,too?"
"Yes,sirallwell,thankyou.SomethingIcandoforyou?"
Theaffablemerchantwastryingtorecallhiscustomer'sname.
"Notnow,notnow,thankee.IfyoupleasetoletmybundlesstayuntellIcomeback"
75/170
2015.04.11.
"Can'tIshowyousomething?Hat,coat"
"Notnow.Bebackbimeby."
WasitchanceorfatethatbroughtElderBrowninfrontofabar?Theglassesshonebrightuponthe
shelvesastheswingingdoorflappedbacktoletoutacoatlessclerk,whopassedhimwitharush,
chewinguponafarewellmouthfulofbrownbreadandbologna.ElderBrownbeheldforaninstantthe
familiarscenewithin.Thescrewsofhisresolutionhadbeenloosened.Atsightoftheglisteningbar
thewholemoralstructureoftwentyyearscametumblingdown.Mechanicallyheenteredthesaloon,
andlaidasilverquarteruponthebarashesaid:
"Alittlewhiskeyan'sugar."Thearmsofthebartenderworkedlikeafaker'sinasideshowasheset
outtheglasswithitslittlequotaof"shortsweetening"andacutglassdecanter,andsentahalf
tumblerofwaterspinningalongfromtheupperendofthebarwithadimeinchange.
"Whiskeyishigher'nusedtobe,"saidElderBrownbutthebartenderwastakinganotherorder,and
didnothearhim.ElderBrownstirredawaythesugar,andletasteadystreamofredliquidflowinto
theglass.Heswallowedthedrinkasunconcernedlyasthoughhismorningtodhadneverbeen
suspended,andpocketedthechange."Butitain'tanybetterthanitwas,"heconcluded,ashepassed
out.Hedidnotevenseemtorealizethathehaddoneanythingextraordinary.
Therewasamillinerystoreupthestreet,andthitherwithuncertainstephewendedhisway,feelinga
littlemoreelate,andaltogethersociable.Apretty,blackeyedgirl,strugglingtokeepdownhermirth,
cameforwardandfacedhimbehindthecounter.ElderBrownliftedhisfadedhatwiththepoliteness,
ifnotthegrace,ofaCastilian,andmadeasweepingbow.Againhewasinhiselement.Buthedidnot
speak.Ashowerofoddsandends,smallpackages,thread,needles,andbuttons,releasedfromtheir
prison,rattleddownabouthim.
Thegirllaughed.Shecouldnothelpit.Andtheelder,leaninghishandonthecounter,laughed,too,
untilseveralothergirlscamehalfwaytothefront.Thenthey,hidingbehindcountersandsuspended
cloaks,laughedandsnickereduntiltheyreconvulsedtheelder'svisvis,whohadbeenmaking
desperateeffortstoresumeherdemureappearance.
"Letmehelpyou,sir,"shesaid,comingfrombehindthecounter,uponseeingElderBrownbeginning
toadjusthisspectaclesforasearch.Hewavedherbackmajestically."No,mydear,nocan'tallowit.
Youmoutsilethempurtyfingers.No,ma'am.Nogen'l'man'll'lowerladytodosuchathing."The
elderwasgentlyforcingthegirlbacktoherplace."Leaveittome.I'vepickedupbiggerthings'n
them.Pickedmyselfupthismornin'.Balaamyoudon'tknowBalaamhe'smydonkeyhetumbled
meoverhisheadinthesandthismornin'."AndElderBrownhadtoresumeanuprightpositionuntil
hisparoxysmoflaughterhadpassed."Youseethisoldhat?"extendingit,halffullofpackages"Ifell
clearinteritjes'ascleaninteritasthemthingstharfellout'nit."Helaughedagain,andsodidthe
girls."But,mydear,Iwhaledhalfthehideoff'nhimforit."
"Oh,sir!howcouldyou?Indeed,sir.Ithinkyoudidwrong.Thepoorbrutedidnotknowwhathewas
doing,Idaresay,andprobablyhehasbeenafaithfulfriend."Thegirlcasthermischievouseyes
towardshercompanions,whosnickeredagain.Theoldmanwasnotconsciousofthesarcasm.He
onlysawreproach.Hisfacestraightened,andheregardedthegirlsoberly.
"Mebbeyou'reright,mydearmebbeIoughtn't."
"Iamsureofit,"saidthegirl."Butnowdon'tyouwanttobuyabonnetoracloaktocarryhometo
yourwife?"
"Well,you'rewhistlin'now,birdiethat'smyintentionset'emallout."Againtheelder'sfaceshone
withdelight."An'Idon'twantnoonehossbonnetneither."
76/170
2015.04.11.
"Ofcoursenot.Nowhereisonepinksilk,withdelicatepalebluefeathers.Justthethingforthe
season.Wehavenothingmoreelegantinstock."ElderBrownhelditout,upsidedown,atarm's
length.
"Well,now,that'ssuthin'like.Willitsootasorterredheaded'ooman?"
Aperfectlysobermanwouldhavesaidthegirl'scorsetsmusthaveundergoneaterriblestrain,butthe
elderdidnotnoticeherdumbconvulsion.Sheanswered,heroically:
"Perfectly,sir.Itisanexquisitematch."
"Ithinkyou'rewhistlin'again.Nancy'shead'sred,redasawoodpeck's.Sorrel'sonlyhalfwaytothe
colorofhertopknot,an'itdoseemlikeredoughtertosootred.Nancy'sredan'thehat'sredlike
goeswithlike,an'birdsofafeatherflocktogether."Theoldmanlaugheduntilhischeekswerewet.
Thegirl,beginningtofeelalittleuneasy,andseeingacustomerentering,rapidlyfixedupthebonnet,
tookfifteendollarsoutofatwentydollarbill,andcalmlyaskedtheelderifhewantedanythingelse.
Hethrusthischangesomewhereintohisclothes,andbeataretreat.Ithadoccurredtohimthathewas
nearlydrunk.
ElderBrown'sstepbegantoloseitsbuoyancy.Hefoundhimselfutterlyunabletowalkstraight.There
wasanuncertainstraddleinhisgaitthatcarriedhimfromonesideofthewalktotheother,and
causedpeoplewhomhemettocheerfullyyieldhimplentyofroom.
Balaamsawhimcoming.PoorBalaam.Hehadmadeanearlystartthatday,andforhourshestoodin
thesunawaitingrelief.Whenheopenedhissleepyeyesandraisedhisexpressiveearstoapositionof
attention,theoldfamiliarcoatandbatteredhatoftheelderwerebeforehim.Helifteduphishonest
voiceandcriedaloudforjoy.
Theeffectwaselectricalforoneinstant.ElderBrownsurveyedthebeastwithhorror,butagaininhis
understandingthererangoutthetrumpetwords.
"Drunk,drunk,drunk,drerunc,erunc,unc,unc."
Hestoopedinstinctivelyforamissilewithwhichtosmitehisaccuser,butbroughtupsuddenlywitha
jerkandahandfulofsand.Straighteninghimselfupwithamajesticdignity,heextendedhisright
handimpressively.
"You'reagoldarnliar,Balaam,and,blastyouroldbuttons,youkinwalkhomebyyourself,forI'm
dangedifyoush'llridemeerstep."
SurelyCoriolanusneverturnedhisbackuponRomewithagranderdignitythansatupontheold
man'sformashefacedaboutandleftthebrutetosurveywithanxiouseyesthenewdepartureofhis
master.
Hesawtheelderzigzagalongthestreet,andbeheldhimabouttoturnafriendlycorner.Oncemorehe
lifteduphismightyvoice:
"Drunk,drunk,drunk,drerunc,drerunc,erunc,unc,unc."
Oncemoretheelderturnedwithliftedhandandshoutedback:
"You'realiar,Balaam,goldarnyou!You'reeriffamousliar."Thenhepassedfromview.
III
77/170
2015.04.11.
Mrs.Brownstooduponthestepsanxiouslyawaitingthereturnofherliegelord.Sheknewhehad
withhimalargesumofmoney,orshouldhave,andsheknewalsothathewasamanwithoutbusiness
methods.Shehadlongsincerepentedofthedecisionwhichsenthimtotown.Whentheoldbattered
hatandflourcoveredcoatloomedupinthegloamingandconfrontedher,shestaredwithterror.The
nextinstantshehadseizedhim.
"FortheLordsakes,ElderBrown,whatailsyou?AsIlive,ifthemanain'tdrunk!ElderBrown!Elder
Brown!forthelifeofmecan'tImakeyouhear?Youcrazyoldhypocrite!youdesavin'oldsinner!
youblackheartedwretch!wherehaveyouben?"
Theeldermadeanefforttowaveheroff.
"Woman,"hesaid,withgranddignity,"youforgityussefshuknowwareI'veben'swell'sIdo.Ben
totown,wife,an'seeyerwatI'vebroughtthefines'hat,olewoman,Icouldgit.Look'tthecolor.
Likegoes'ithlikeit'sredan'you'rered,an'it'sadeadmatch.Whatyermean?Hey!holeon!ole
woman!you!Hannah!you."Sheliterallyshookhimintosilence.
"Youmiserablewretch!youlowdowndrunkensot!whatdoyoumeanbycominghomeandinsulting
yourwife?"Hannahceasedshakinghimfrompureexhaustion.
"Whereisit,Isay?whereisit?"
Bythistimeshewasturninghispocketswrongsideout.Fromoneshegotpills,fromanotherchange,
fromanotherpackages.
"TheLordbepraised,andthisisbetterluckthanIhoped!Oh,elder!elder!elder!whatdidyoudoit
for?Why,man,whereisBalaam?"
Thoughtofthebeastchokedoffthethreatenedhysterics.
"Balaam?Balaam?"saidtheelder,groggily."He'sintown.Theinfernalolefool'sultedme,an'Ilef'
himtowalkhome."
Hiswifesurveyedhim.Reallyatthatmomentshedidthinkhismindwasgonebuttheleeruponthe
oldman'sfaceenragedherbeyondendurance.
"Youdid,didyou?Well,now,Ireckonyou'lllaughforsomecause,youwill.Backyougo,sir
straightbackan'don'tyoucomehome'thoutthatdonkey,oryou'llrueit,sureasmynameisHannah
Brown.Aleck!youAleckkk!"
Ablackboydartedroundthecorner,frombehindwhich,withseveralothers,hehadbeheldthebrief
butstirringscene.
"Putasaddleonermule.Theelder'sgwinebacktotown.Anddon'tyoubelongaboutitneither."
"Yessum."Aleck'sivoriesgleamedinthedarknessashedisappeared.
ElderBrownwassobereratthatmomentthanhehadbeenforhours.
"Hannah,youdon'tmeanit?"
"Yes,sir,Ido.BackyougototownassureasmynameisHannah
Brown."
Theelderwassilent.Hehadneverknownhiswifetorelentonanyoccasionaftershehadaffirmed
herintention,supplementedwith"assureasmynameisHannahBrown."Itwasherwayofswearing.
78/170
2015.04.11.
Noaffidavitwouldhavehadhalftheclaimuponherasthatsimpleenunciation.
SobacktotownwentElderBrown,notintheorderoftheearlymorn,butsilently,moodily,
despairingly,surroundedbymentalandactualgloom.
Theoldmanhadturnedalastappealingglanceupontheangrywoman,ashemountedwithAleck's
assistance,andsatinthelightthatstreamedfromoutthekitchenwindow.Shemettheglancewithout
awaver.
"Shemeansit,assureasmynameisElderBrown,"hesaid,thickly.
Thenherodeon.
IV
TosaythatElderBrownsufferedonthislongjourneybacktoMaconwouldonlymildlyoutlinehis
experience.Hisearlymorning'sfallhadbeguntomakeitselffelt.Hewassoreanduncomfortable.
Besides,hisstomachwasempty,andcalledfortwomealsithadmissedforthefirsttimeinyears.
When,soreandweary,theelderenteredthecity,theelectriclightsshoneaboveitlikejewelsina
crown.Thecitysleptthatis,thebetterportionofitdid.Hereandthere,however,thelowerlights
flashedoutintothenight.Moodilytheelderpursuedhisjourney,andasherode,faroffinthenight
thereroseandquiveredaplaintivecry.ElderBrownsmiledwearily:itwasBalaam'sappeal,andhe
recognizedit.Theanimalherodealsorecognizedit,andreplied,untilthesilenceofthecitywas
destroyed.Theoddclamorandconfusiondrewfromasaloonnearbyagroupofnoisyyoungsters,
whohadbeenmakinganightofit.TheysurroundedElderBrownashebegantotransferhimselfto
thehungrybeasttowhosemotionhewasmoreaccustomed,andinthe"hailfellowwellmet"styleof
thedaybegantobandyjestsuponhisappearance.NowElderBrownwasnotinajestinghumor.
Positivelyhewasintheworsthumorpossible.Theresultwasthatbeforemanyminutespassedtheold
manwasswingingseveralofthecrowdbytheircollars,andbreakingthepeaceofthecity.A
policemanapproached,andbutforthegoodhumoredparty,uponwhomtheelder'spluckhadmadea
favorableimpression,wouldhaveruntheoldmanintothebarracks.Thecrowd,however,drewhim
laughinglyintothesaloonandtothebar.Thereactionwastoomuchforhishalfralliedsenses.He
yieldedagain.Therevivingliquorpassedhislips.Gloomvanished.Hebecameoneoftheboys.
ThecompanyintowhichElderBrownhadfallenwaswhatisknownas"firstclass."Tosuchnothing
issocaptivatingasanadventureoutofthecommonrunofaccidents.Thegauntcountryman,withhis
batteredhatandclawhammercoat,wasaprizeofanextraordinarynature.Theydrewhimintoarear
room,whosegildedframesandpolishedtablesbetrayedthecharacterandpurposeoftheplace,and
pliedhimwithwineuntiltenthousandlightsdancedabouthim.Thefunincreased.Oneyoungster
madeapoliticalspeechfromthetopofthetableanotherimpersonatedHamletandfinallyElder
Brownwasliftedintoachair,andsangacampmeetingsong.Thiswasrenderedbyhimwithstartling
effect.Hestoodupright,withhishatjauntilyknockedtooneside,andhiscoattailsornamentedwith
acoupleofshowbills,kindlypinnedonbyhisadmirers.Inhislefthandhewavedthestubofacigar,
andonhisbackwasanadmirablerepresentationofBalaam'shead,executedbysomeartistwith
billiardchalk.
Astheeldersanghisfavoritehymn,"I'mgladsalvation'sfree,"hisstentorianvoiceawoketheechoes.
Mostofthecompanyrolleduponthefloorinconvulsionsoflaughter.
Theexhibitioncametoaclosebythechairoverturning.AgainElderBrownfellintohisbelovedhat.
Hearoseandshouted:"Whoa,Balaam!"Againheseizedthenearestweapon,andsoughtsatisfaction.
Theyounggentlemanwithpoliticalsentimentswasknockedunderthetable,andHamletonlyescaped
injurybybeatingtheinfuriatedelderintothestreet.
79/170
2015.04.11.
Whatnext?Well,Ihardlyknow.HowtheelderfoundBalaamisamysteryyet:notthatBalaamwas
hardtofind,butthattheoldmanwasinnoconditiontofindanything.Stillhedid,andclimbing
laboriouslyintothesaddle,heheldonstupidlywhilethehungrybeaststruckoutforhome.
V
HannahBrowndidnotsleepthatnight.Sleepwouldnotcome.Hourafterhourpassed,andherwrath
refusedtobequelled.Shetriedeveryconceivablemethod,buttimehungheavily.Itwasnotquite
peepofday,however,whenshelaidherwellwornfamilyBibleaside.Ithadbeenhermother's,and
amidalltheanxietiesandtribulationsincidenttothelifeofawomanwhohadfreenegroesanda
miserablehusbandtomanage,ithadbeenhermainstayandcomfort.Shehadfrequentlyreaditin
anger,pageafterpage,withoutknowingwhatwascontainedinthelines.Buteventuallythewords
becameintelligibleandtookmeaning.Shewrestedconsolationfromitbymereforceofwill.
Andsoonthisoccasionwhensheclosedthebookthefierceangerwasgone.
Shewasnotahardwomannaturally.Fatehadbroughtherconditionswhichcoveredupthewoman
heartwithinher,butthoughitlaydeep,itwastherestill.Asshesatwithfoldedhandshereyesfell
uponwhat?
Thepinkbonnetwiththeblueplume!
Itmayappearstrangetothosewhodonotunderstandsuchnatures,buttomehernextactionwas
perfectlynatural.Sheburstintoaconvulsivelaughthen,seizingthequeerobject,bentherfaceupon
itandsobbedhysterically.Whenthestormwasover,verytenderlyshelaidthegiftaside,andbare
headedpassedoutintothenight.
Forahalfhourshestoodattheendofthelane,andthenhungryBalaamandhismasterhoveinsight.
Reachingoutherhand,shecheckedthebeast.
"William,"saidshe,verygently,"whereisthemule?"
Theelderhadbeenasleep.Hewokeandgazeduponherblankly.
"Whatmule,Hannah?"
"Themuleyourodetotown."
Foronefullminutetheelderstudiedherface.Thenitburstfromhislips:
"Well,blessme!ifIdidn'tbringBalaamandforgitthemule!"
Thewomanlaughedtillhereyesranwater.
"William,"saidshe,"you'redrunk."
"Hannah,"saidhe,meekly,"Iknowit.Thetruthis,Hannah,I"
"Nevermind,now,William,"shesaid,gently."Youaretiredandhungry.Comeintothehouse,
husband."
LeadingBalaam,shedisappeareddownthelaneandwhen,afewminuteslater,HannahBrownand
herhusbandenteredthroughthelightthatstreamedoutoftheopendoorherarmswerearoundhim,
andherfaceupturnedtohis.
80/170
2015.04.11.
THEHOTELEXPERIENCEOFMR.PINKFLUKER
BYRICHARDMALCOLMJOHNSTON(18221898)
[FromTheCenturyMagazine,June,1886copyright,1886,byThe
CenturyCo.republishedinthevolume,Mr.AbsalomBillingslea,and
OtherGeorgiaFolk(1888),byRichardMalcolmJohnston(Harper&
Brothers).]
I
Mr.PetersonFluker,generallycalledPink,forhisfondnessforasstylishdressingashecouldafford,
wasoneofthatsortofmenwhohabituallyseembusyandefficientwhentheyarenot.Hehadthe
bustlingactivityoftennoticeableinmenofhissize,andinonewayandanotherhadmadeup,ashe
believed,forbeingsomuchsmallerthanmostofhisadultacquaintanceofthemalesex.Prominent
amonghisachievementsonthatlinewasgettingmarriedtoawomanwho,amongotherexcellent
gifts,hadthatofbeingtwiceasbigasherhusband.
"Foolwho?"onthedayafterhismarriagehehadasked,withalookatthosewhohadoftensaidthat
hewastoolittletohaveawife.
Theyhadalittlepropertytobeginwith,acoupleofhundredsofacres,andtwoorthreenegroes
apiece.Yet,exceptinthenaturalincreaseofthelatter,theaccretionsofworldlyestatehadbeen
inconsiderabletillnow,whentheiroldestchild,Marann,wassomefifteenyearsold.Theseaccretions
hadbeensavedandtakencareofbyMrs.Fluker,whowasasstaidandsilentashewasmobileand
voluble.
Mr.Flukeroftensaidthatitpuzzledhimhowitwasthathemadesmallercropsthanmostofhis
neighbors,when,ifnotalwaysconvincing,hecouldgenerallyputeveryoneofthemtosilencein
discussionsuponagriculturaltopics.Thispuzzlehadledhimtonotunfrequentruminationsinhis
mindastowhetherornothisvocationmightlieinsomethinghigherthanthemeretillingofthe
ground.Theseruminationshadlatelytakenadefinitedirection,anditwasafterseveralconversations
whichhehadheldwithhisfriendMattPike.
Mr.MattPikewasabachelorofsomethirtysummers,aforetimeclerkconsecutivelyineachofthe
twostoresofthevillage,butlatterlyatraderonalimitedscaleinhorses,wagons,cows,andsimilar
objectsofcommerce,andatalltimesapolitician.Hishopesofholdingofficehadbeencontinually
disappointeduntilMr.JohnSanksbecamesheriff,andrewardedwithadeputyshipsomeimportant
specialservicerenderedbyhiminthelateveryclosecanvass.Nowwasachancetorise,Mr.Pike
thought.Allhewanted,hehadoftensaid,wasastart.Politics,Iwouldremark,however,hadbeen
regardedbyMr.Pikeasameansratherthananend.Itisdoubtfulifhehopedtobecomegovernorof
thestate,atleastbeforeanadvancedperiodinhiscareer.Hismainobjectnowwastogetmoney,and
hebelievedthatofficialpositionwouldpromotehiminthelineofhisambitionfasterthanwas
possibletoanyprivatestation,byleadinghimintomoreextensiveacquaintancewithmankind,their
needs,theirdesires,andtheircaprices.Adeputysheriff,providedthatlawyerswerenottooindulgent
inallowingacknowledgmentofserviceofcourtprocesses,inpostponingleviesandsales,andin
settlementoflitigatedcases,mightpickupthreehundreddollars,agoodsumforthosetimes,afact
whichMr.Pikehadknownandponderedlong.
IthappenedjustaboutthenthatthearrearsofrentforthevillagehotelhadsoaccumulatedonMr.
Spouter,thelastoccupant,thattheowner,anindulgentman,finallyhadsaid,whathehadbeen
expectedforyearsandyearstosay,thathecouldnotwaitonMr.Spouterforeverandeternally.Itwas
atthisverynick,sotospeak,thatMr.PikemadetoMr.Flukerthesuggestiontoquitabusinesssofar
beneathhispowers,sellout,orrentout,ortenantout,ordosomethingelsewithhisfarm,marchinto
81/170
2015.04.11.
town,planthimselfupontheruinsofJacobSpouter,andbeginhisupwardsoar.
NowMr.Flukerhadmanyandmanyatimeacknowledgedthathehadambitionsoonenighthesaid
tohiswife:
"Youseehowitishere,Nervy.Farmin'somehowdon'tsuitmytalons.Ineedtobeflungmore'mong
peopletofetchoutwhat'sinme.Thenthar'sMarann,whichisgittin'tobenighontoagrowdup
womanan'thechildneedthes'ietywhichyou'bleegedtoacknowledgeissca'ceabouthere,sixmile
fromtown.YourbrerSamcanstayherean'raisebutter,chickens,eggs,pigs,an'an'an'soforth.
MattPikesayhejes'knowthey'smoneyinit,an'specialwithahousekeeperkeerfulan'equinomical
likeyou."
Itisalwayscurioustheextentofinfluencethatsomemenhaveuponwiveswhoaretheirsuperiors.
Mrs.Fluker,inspiteofaccidents,hadeversetuponherhusbandavaluethatwasnotrecognized
outsideofhisfamily.Inthisrespectthereseemsasurprisingcompensationinhumanlife.Butthis
remarkImakeonlyinpassing.Mrs.Fluker,admittinginherheartthatfarmingwasnotherhusband's
forte,hoped,likeatruewife,thatitmightbefoundinthenewfieldtowhichheaspired.Besides,she
didnotforgetthatherbrotherSamhadsaidtoherseveraltimesprivatelythatifhisbrerPinkwouldn't
havesomanynotionsandwouldlethimaloneinhismanagement,theywouldalldobetter.She
reflectedforadayortwo,andthensaid:
"Maybeit'sbest,Mr.Fluker.I'mwillin'totryitforayear,anyhow.Wecan'tlosemuchbythat.As
forMattPike,Ihain'ttheconfidenceinhimyouhas.Still,hebein'aboarderanddeputysheriff,he
mightaccidentallydoussomegood.I'lltryitforayearprovidin'you'llfetchmethemoneyasit's
paidin,foryouknowIknowhowtomanagethatbetter'nyoudo,andyouknowI'lltrytomanageit
andalltherestofthebusinessforthebest."
TothisprovisionMr.Flukergaveconsent,qualifiedbytheclaimthathewastoretainasmallmargin
forindispensablepersonalexigencies.Forhecontended,perhapswithjustice,thatnomaninthe
responsiblepositionhewasabouttotakeoughttobeexpectedtogoabout,orsitabout,oreven
loungeabout,withoutevenacontinentalredinhispocket.
ThenewhouseIsaynewbecausetonguecouldnottelltheamountofscouring,scalding,and
whitewashingthatthatexcellenthousekeeperhaddonebeforeasinglestickofherfurniturewentinto
itthenewhouse,Irepeat,openedwithsixeatingboardersattendollarsamonthapiece,andtwo
eatingandsleepingateleven,besidesMr.Pike,whomadeaspecialcontract.Transientcustomwas
hopedtoholditsown,andthatofthecountypeopleunderthedeputy'spatronageandinfluencetobe
considerablyenlarged.
InwordsandotherencouragementMr.Pikewaspronounced.Hecouldcommendhonestly,andhedid
socordially.
"Thethingtodo,Pink,istohaveyourpricesreg'lar,andmakepeoplepayupreg'lar.Tendollarsfor
eatin',jes'soeleb'nforeatin'an'sleepin'halfadollarfordinner,jes'soquarterapieceforbreakfast,
supper,andbed,iswhatIcallreason'blebo'd.Asforme,Isca'celyknowhowtorig'late,because,you
know,I'ma'officernow,an'incourseInatchelhastobeawaysometimesan'onexpensesat'tother
places,an'itseemlikesome'lowanceoughtbygoodrightstobemadeforthatdon'tyouthinkso?"
"Why,mattero'course,Mattwhatyouthink?Iain'tsopowerfulgoodatfiggers.Nervyis.S'posen
youspeaktoher'boutit."
"Oh,that'sperfec'unuseless,Pink.I'ma'officero'thelaw,Pink,an'thelawconsiderwomenwell,I
maysaythelaw,shedeal'ithmen,notwomen,an'sheexpectherofficerstounderstan'figgers,an'ifI
hadn'to'understoodfiggersMr.Sankswouldn'tordarsnt'to'p'intmehisdep'ty.Me'n'youcanfix
themterms.Nowseehere,reg'larbo'deatin'bo'd,Imeanistendollars,an'sleepin'andsinguil
82/170
2015.04.11.
mealsis'cordin'tothefiggersyou'vesotfor'em.Ain'tthatso?Jes'so.Now,Pink,youan'me'llkeep
arunnin'account,youachargin'forreg'larbo'd,an'Ia'lowin'tomyselfcredicsformyabsentees,
accordin'totransioncustomersan'singuilmealersan'sleepers.Isthatfa'r,erisitnotfa'r?"
Mr.Flukerturnedhishead,andaftermakingorthinkinghehadmadeacalculation,answered:
"That'sthatseemfa'r,Matt."
"Cert'nly'tis,PinkIknowedyou'dsayso,an'youknowI'dneverwishtobenothin'butfa'r'ith
peopleIlike,likeIdoyouan'yourwife.Letthatbetheunderstandin',then,betwix'us.An'Pink,let
theunderstandin'bejes'betwix'us,forI'vesawenougho'thisworldtofindoutthatamannever
makesnothin'bymakin'ablowin'horno'hisbusiness.Youmakethet'otherspayupspuntial,
monthly.You'n'mecansettlewhensomeverit'sconvenant,saythreemonthsfromtoday.IncourseI
shalltalkupforthehousewhensomeverandwharsomeverIgoorstay.Youknowthat.An'asformy
bed,"saidMr.Pikefinally,"whensomeverIain'therebybedtime,youwelcometoputanytransion
personinit,an'alsoan'likewise,whentransioncustomispressin',andyoucrampedforbeddin',I'm
willin'togiveitupforthetimebein'an'rather'nyoushouldbecrampedtoobad,I'lltakemychances
somewharselse,evenifIhastotakeapalletattheheado'thesta'rsteps."
"Nervy,"saidMr.Flukertohiswifeafterwards,"MattPike'sasensibleran'afriendlieran'a
'commodatinerfeller'nIthought."
Then,withoutgivingdetailsofthecontract,hementionedmerelythewillingnessoftheirboarderto
resignhisbedonoccasionsofpressingemergency.
"He'stalkedmightyfinetomeandMarann,"answeredMrs.Fluker."We'llseehowheholdsout.One
thingIdonotlikeofhisdoin',an'that'sthetalkin''boutSimMarchmantoMarann,an'makin'gameo'
hiscountryways,ashecall'em.Sechasthatain'tright."
ItmaybeaswelltoexplainjustherethatSimeonMarchman,thepersonjustnamedbyMrs.Fluker,a
stout,industriousyoungfarmer,residingwithhisparentsinthecountrynearbywheretheFlukershad
dweltbeforeremovingtotown,hadbeeneyingMarannforayearortwo,andwaitinguponherfast
ripeningwomanhoodwithintentionsthat,hebelievedtobehiddeninhisownbreast,thoughhehad
takenlesspainstoconcealthemfromMarannthanfromtherestofhisacquaintance.Notthathehad
evertoldheroftheminsomanywords,butOh,Ineednotstophereinthemidstofthisnarrationto
explainhowsuchintentionsbecomeknown,oratleaststronglysuspectedbygirls,eventhoseless
brightthanMarannFluker.Simeonhadnotcordiallyindorsedthemovementintotown,though,of
course,knowingitwasnoneofhisbusiness,hehadneversomuchashintedopposition.Iwouldnot
besurprised,also,ifhereflectedthattheremightbesomeselfishnessinhishostility,oratleastthatit
washeightenedbyapprehensionspersonaltohimself.
Consideringthewantofexperienceinthenewtenants,matterswentonremarkablywell.Mrs.Fluker,
accustomedtorisefromhercouchlongbeforethelark,managedtothesatisfactionofall,regular
boarders,singlemealtakers,andtransientpeople.Marannwenttothevillageschool,hermother
dressingher,thoughwithprudenteconomy,asneatlyandalmostastastefullyasanyofher
schoolmateswhile,astostudy,deportment,andgeneralprogress,therewasnotagirlinthewhole
schooltobeather,Idon'tcarewhoshewas.
II
83/170
2015.04.11.
DuringanotinconsiderableperiodMr.Flukerindulgedthehonorableconvictionthatatlasthehad
foundtheveininwhichhisbesttalentslay,andhewashappyinforesightoftheprosperityand
felicitywhichthatdiscoverypromisedtohimselfandhisfamily.Hisnativeactivityfoundmanymore
objectsforitsexertionthanbefore.Herodeouttothefarm,notoften,butsometimes,asamatterof
duty,andwasforcedtoacknowledgethatSamwasmanagingbetterthancouldhavebeenexpectedin
theabsenceofhisowncontinuousguidance.Intownhewalkedaboutthehotel,entertainedthe
guests,carvedatthemeals,hoveredaboutthestores,thedoctors'offices,thewagonandblacksmith
shops,discussedmercantile,medical,mechanicalquestionswithspecialistsinallthesedepartments,
throwingintothemallmoreandmoreofpoliticsastheintimacybetweenhimandhispatronandchief
boarderincreased.
Nowastothatpatronandchiefboarder.Theneedofextendinghisacquaintanceseemedtopressupon
Mr.Pikewitheverincreasingweight.Hewashereandthere,alloverthecountyatthecountyseat,
atthecountyvillages,atjustices'courts,atexecutors'andadministrators'sales,atquarterlyand
protractedreligiousmeetings,atbarbecuesofeverydimension,onhuntingexcursionsandfishing
frolics,atsocialpartiesinallneighborhoods.ItgottobesaidofMr.Pikethatafreeracceptorof
hospitableinvitations,orabetterappreciatorofhospitableintentions,wasnotandneedednottobe
foundpossiblyinthewholestate.Norwasthisadmirabledeportmentconfinedtothecountyinwhich
heheldsohighofficialposition.Heattended,amongotheroccasionslesspublic,thespringsessions
ofthesupremeandcountycourtsinthefouradjoiningcounties:theguestofacquaintanceoldand
newoverthere.Whenstartinguponsuchtravels,hewouldsometimesbreakfastwithhistraveling
companioninthevillage,and,ifsomewhatbelatedinthereturn,supwithhimalso.
Yet,whenatFlukers',nomancouldhavebeenamorecheerfulandotherwisesatisfactoryboarder
thanMr.MattPike.Hepraisedeverydishsetbeforehim,braggedtotheirveryfacesofhishostand
hostess,andinspiteofhisabsenceswastheoftenesttositandchatwithMarannwhenhermother
wouldlethergointotheparlor.Hereandeverywhereaboutthehouse,inthediningroom,inthe
passage,atthefootofthestairs,hewouldjokewithMarannabouthercountrybeau,ashestyledpoor
SimMarchman,andhewouldtalkasthoughhewasratherashamedofSim,andwantedMarannto
stringherbowforhighergame.
BrerSamdidmanagewell,notonlythefields,buttheyard.EverySaturdayoftheworldhesentin
somethingorothertohissister.Idon'tknowwhetherIoughttotellitornot,butforthesakeofwhat
isduetopureveracityIwill.OnasmanyasthreedifferentoccasionsSimMarchman,asifhehadlost
allselfrespect,orhadnotaparticleoftact,broughtinhimself,insteadofsendingbyanegro,a
bucketofbutterandacoopofspringchickensasafreegifttoMrs.Fluker.Idothink,onmysoul,that
Mr.MattPikewasmuchamusedbysuchdegradationhowever,hemustsaythattheywereallfirst
rate.AsforMarann,shewasverysorryforSim,andwishedhehadnotbroughtthesegoodthingsat
all.
NobodyknewhowitcameaboutbutwhentheFlukershadbeenintownsomewherebetweentwo
andthreemonths,SimMarchman,who(tousehisownwords)hadneverbotheredheragreatdeal
withhisvisits,begantosuspectthatwhatfewhemadewerereceivedbyMarannlatelywithless
cordialitythanbeforeandsooneday,knowingnobetter,inhisawkward,straightforwardcountry
manners,hewantedtoknowthereasonwhy.ThenMaranngrewdistant,andaskedSimthefollowing
question:
"YouknowwhereMr.Pike'sgone,Mr.Marchman?"
Nowthefactwas,andsheknewit,thatMarannFlukerhadneverbefore,notsinceshewasborn,
addressedthatboyasMister.
Thevisitor'sfacereddenedandreddened.
"No,"hefalteredinanswer"nonoma'am,Ishouldsay.IIdon'tknowwhereMr.Pike'sgone."
84/170
2015.04.11.
Thenhelookedaroundforhishat,discovereditintime,tookitintohishands,turneditaroundtwoor
threetimes,then,biddinggoodbyewithoutshakinghands,tookhimselfoff.
Mrs.FlukerlikedalltheMarchmans,andshewastroubledsomewhatwhensheheardofthe
quicknessandmannerofSim'sdepartureforhehadbeenfullyexpectedbyhertostaytodinner.
"Sayhedidn'tevenshakehands,Marann?Whatfor?Whatyoudotohim?"
"Notoneblessedthing,maonlyhewantedtoknowwhyIwasn'tgladdertoseehim."ThenMarann
lookedindignant.
"Saythemwords,Marann?"
"No,buthehinted'em."
"Whatdidyousaythen?"
"Ijustasked,ameaningnothinginthewideworld,maIaskedhimifheknewwhereMr.Pikehad
gone."
"Andthatwereanswerenoughtohurthisfeelin's.WhatyouwanttoknowwhereMattPike'sgone
for,Marann?"
"Ididn'tcareaboutknowing,ma,butIdidn'tlikethewaySimtalked."
"Lookhere,Marann.Lookstraightatme.You'llbemightyfuroffyourfeetifyouletMattPikeput
thingsinyourheadthathain'tnobusinessabein'there,andspecialifyoufindyourselfawantin'to
knowwherehe'saperambulatin'inhiseverlastin'meanderin's.Notacenthashepaidforhisboard,
andwhichyourpasayhehavea'understandin'withhimaboutallowin'forhisabsentees,whichisall
rightenough,butwhichit'snowgoin'ontothreemont's,andwhatiscomin'tousIneedandIwant.
Heought,yourpaoughttoletmebargainwithMattPike,becauseheknowhedon'tunderstan'figgers
likeMattPike.Hedon'tknowexactlywhatthebargainwereforI'veaskedhim,andhealwaysbegins
withamultiplyin'ofwordsandneveranswersme."
OnhisnextreturnfromhistravelsMr.PikenoticedacoldnessinMrs.Fluker'smanner,andthis
enhancedhispraiseofthehouse.Thelastweekofthethirdmonthcame.Mr.Pikewasoftennoticed,
beforeandaftermeals,standingatthedeskinthehoteloffice(calledinthosetimesthebarroom)
engagedinmakingcalculations.ThedaybeforethecontractexpiredMrs.Fluker,whohadnot
indulgedherselfwithasingleholidaysincetheyhadbeenintown,leftMaranninchargeofthehouse,
androdeforth,spendingpartofthedaywithMrs.Marchman,Sim'smother.Allweregladtoseeher,
ofcourse,andshereturnedsmartly,freshenedbythevisit.ThatnightshehadatalkwithMarann,and
oh,howMaranndidcry!
Theverylastdaycame.Likeinsurancepolicies,thecontractwastoexpireatacertainhour.Sim
Marchmancamejustbeforedinner,towhichhewassentforbyMrs.Fluker,whohadseenhimashe
rodeintotown.
"Hello,Sim,"saidMr.Pikeashetookhisseatoppositehim."Youhere?What'sthenewsinthe
country?How'syourhealth?How'scrops?"
"Jestmod'rate,Mr.Pike.Gotlittlebusinesswithyouafterdinner,efyoucansparetime."
"Allright.GotalittlematterwithPinkherefirst.'Twon'ttakelong.Seeyouarfteramejiant,Sim."
Neverhadthedeputybeenmoregraciousandwitty.Hetalkedandtalked,outtalkingevenMr.Fluker
hewastheonlymanintownwhocoulddothat.HewinkedatMarannasheputquestionstoSim,
85/170
2015.04.11.
someofthewordsemployedinwhichSimhadneverheardbefore.YetSimheldupaswellashe
could,andafterdinnerfollowedMarannwithsomelittledignityintotheparlor.Theyhadnotbeen
theremorethantenminuteswhenMrs.Flukerwasheardtowalkrapidlyalongthepassageleading
fromthediningroom,toenterherownchamberforonlyamoment,thentocomeoutandrushtothe
parlordoorwiththegigwhipinherhand.SuchuncommonconductinawomanlikeMrs.PinkFluker
ofcourseneedsexplanation.
Whenalltheotherboardershadleftthehouse,thedeputyandMr.
Flukerhavingrepairedtothebarroom,theformersaid:
"Now,Pink,foroursettlement,asyousayyourwifethinkwebetterhaveone.I'd'a'beenwillin'tolet
accountskeeponarunnin',knowin'whatastraightforrardssorto'manyouwas.Yourcount,efIain't
mistakened,isjes'thirtythreedollars,evenmoney.Isthatso,orisitnot?"
"That'sit,toadollar,Matt.Threetimeselebenmakethirtythree,don'tit?"
"Itdo,Pink,orelebentimesthree,jes'whichyouplease.Nowhere'smycount,onwhichyou'llsee,
Pink,thatnotnarycenthaveIchargedforinfloonce.Ihasinflooncedaconsider'blecustomtothis
house,asyouknow,bo'din'andtransion.ButIdonethatouto'myrespectsofyouan'MissisFluker,
an'yourkeepin'ofafa'rI'llsay,asI'vesaidfreckwent,averyfa'rhouse.Ilettheminflooncesgoto
friendship,efyou'lltakeitso.Willyou,PinkFluker?"
"Cert'nly,Matt,an'I'mathousandtimesobleegedtoyou,an'"
"Saynomore,Pink,onthatp'into'view.EfIlikeaman,Iknowhowtotreathim.Nowastothe
p'intso'absentees,mybusinessasdep'tysheriffhastookmeawayfromthisinconsider'bletown
freckwent,hain'tit?"
"Ithave,Matt,ersomethin'else,more'nIwereaexpectin',an'"
"Jes'so.Butapublicofficer,Pink,whenjootycallonhimtogo,hegottogoinfackhegottogoth,
astheScripturesay,ain'tthatso?"
"Is'poseso,Matt,bygoodrights,aaofficialspeakin'."
Mr.Flukerfeltthathewasbecomingalittleconfused.
"Jes'so.Now,Pink,Iweretohavecredicsformyabsentees'cordin'totransionan'singlemeal
bo'dersan'sleepersain'tthatso?"
"IIsomethin'o'thatsort,Matt,"heansweredvaguely.
"Jes'so.Nowlookhere,"drawingfromhispocketapaper."Itomone.Twentyeightdinnersathalfa
dollarmakesfourteendollars,don'tit?Jes'so.Twentyfivebreakfastsataquartermakessixan'a
quarter,whichmakedinnersan'breakfaststwentyan'aquarter.Follermeup,asIgoup,Pink.
Twentyfivesuppersataquartermakessixan'aquarter,an'whichthemaddedtothetwentyan'a
quartermakesthemtwentysixan'ahalf.Foller,Pink,an'ifyouketchmeinanymistakesinthe
kyarin'an'addin',p'intitout.Twentytwoan'ahalfbedsan'Isayhalf,Pink,becauseyou'member
onenightwhenthemA'gustylawyersgothere'boutmidnightontheirwaytoco't,rather'nhaveyou
toobadcramped,Iristomakewayfortwoof'emyitasIhadonegoodnap,Ididn'tthinkIoughtto
putthatdownbutforhalf.Themmakesfivedollarshalfan'seb'npence,an'whichkyar'dontothe
t'othertwentysixan'ahalf,fetchesthewholecabooltojes'thirtytwodollarsan'seb'npence.ButI
madeupmymindI'dflingoutthatseb'npence,an'jes'callitadollarevenmoney,an'whichhere's
thesolidsilver."
Inspiteoftherapiditywithwhichthisenumerationofcounterchargeswasmade,Mr.Fluker
86/170
2015.04.11.
commencedperspiringatthefirstitem,andwhenthebalancewasannouncedhisfacewascovered
withhugedrops.
ItwasatthisjuncturethatMrs.Fluker,who,wellknowingherhusband'sunfamiliaritywith
complicatedaccounts,hadfeltherdutytobelisteningnearthebarroomdoor,left,andquickly
afterwardsappearedbeforeMarannandSimasIhaverepresented.
"YouthinkMattPikeain'ttryin'tosettlewithyourpawithadollar?I'mgoin'tomakehimkeephis
dollar,an'I'mgoin'togivehimsomethin'togo'longwithit."
"ThegoodLordhavemercyuponus!"exclaimedMarann,springingupandcatchingholdofher
mother'sskirts,asshebeganheradvancetowardsthebarroom."Oh,ma!fortheLord'ssake!Sim,
Sim,Sim,ifyoucare_any_thingformeinthiswideworld,don'tletmagointothatroom!"
"MissisFluker,"saidSim,risinginstantly,"waitjesttwominutestillIseeMr.Pikeonsomepressin'
businessIwon'tkeepyouovertwominutesawaitin'."
Hetookher,setherdowninachairtrembling,lookedatheramomentasshebegantoweep,then,
goingoutandclosingthedoor,stroderapidlytothebarroom.
"Letmehelpyousettleyourboardbill,Mr.Pike,bypayin'youalittleoneIoweyou."
Doublinghisfist,hestruckoutwithablowthatfelledthedeputytothefloor.Thencatchinghimby
hisheels,hedraggedhimoutofthehouseintothestreet.Liftinghisfootabovehisface,hesaid:
"YoustirtillItellyou,an'I'llstompyournosedownevenwiththebalanceofyourmeanface.'Tain't
exactlymybusinesshowyoucheatedMr.Fluker,though,'ponmysoul,Ineverknowedatrifliner,
lowdownertrick.ButIowedyoumyselfforyourtalkin''boutandyourlyin''boutme,andnowI've
paidyouan'efyouonlyknowedit,I'vesavedyoufromagigwhippin'.Nowyoumaygitup."
"Here'shisdollar,Sim,"saidMr.Fluker,throwingitoutofthewindow."Nervysaymakehimtake
it."
Thevanquished,notdaringtorefuse,pocketedthecoin,andslunkawayamidthejeersofascoreof
villagerswhohadbeendrawntothescene.
InallhumanprobabilitythelateomissionoftheshakingofSim'sandMarann'shandswas
compensatedattheirpartingthatafternoon.Iammoreconfidentonthispointbecauseattheendof
theyearthosehandswerejoinedinseparablybythepreacher.Butthiswaswhentheyhadallgone
backtotheiroldhomeforifMr.Flukerdidnotbecomefullyconvincedthathismathematical
educationwasnotadvancedquiteenoughforalltheexigenciesofhotelkeeping,hiswifedeclared
thatshehadhadenoughofit,andthatsheandMarannweregoinghome.Mr.Flukermaybesaid,
therefore,tohavefollowed,ratherthanled,hisfamilyonthereturn.
Asforthedeputy,findingthatifhedidnotleaveitvoluntarilyhewouldbedrummedoutofthe
village,hedeparted,whitherIdonotrememberifanybodyeverknew.
THENICEPEOPLE
ByHenryCuylerBunner(18551896)
[FromPuck,July30,1890.Republishedinthevolume,ShortSixes:
StoriestoBeReadWhiletheCandleBurns(1891),byHenryCuyler
87/170
2015.04.11.
Bunnercopyright,1890,byAliceLarnedBunnerreprintedby
permissionofthepublishers,CharlesScribner'aSons.]
"Theycertainlyarenicepeople,"Iassentedtomywife'sobservation,usingthecolloquialphrasewith
aconsciousnessthatitwasanythingbut"nice"English,"andI'llbetthattheirthreechildrenarebetter
broughtupthanmostof"
"Twochildren,"correctedmywife.
"Three,hetoldme."
"Mydear,shesaidthereweretwo."
"Hesaidthree."
"You'vesimplyforgotten.I'msureshetoldmetheyhadonlytwoaboyandagirl."
"Well,Ididn'tenterintoparticulars."
"No,dear,andyoucouldn'thaveunderstoodhim.Twochildren."
"Allright,"IsaidbutIdidnotthinkitwasallright.Asanearsightedmanlearnsbyenforced
observationtorecognizepersonsatadistancewhenthefaceisnotvisibletothenormaleye,sothe
manwithabadmemorylearns,almostunconsciously,tolistencarefullyandreportaccurately.My
memoryisbadbutIhadnothadtimetoforgetthatMr.BrewsterBredehadtoldmethatafternoon
thathehadthreechildren,atpresentleftinthecareofhismotherinlaw,whileheandMrs.Brede
tooktheirsummervacation.
"Twochildren,"repeatedmywife"andtheyarestayingwithhisaunt
Jenny."
"Hetoldmewithhismotherinlaw,"Iputin.Mywifelookedatmewithaseriousexpression.Men
maynotremembermuchofwhattheyaretoldaboutchildrenbutanymanknowsthedifference
betweenanauntandamotherinlaw.
"Butdon'tyouthinkthey'renicepeople?"askedmywife.
"Oh,certainly,"Ireplied."Onlytheyseemtobealittlemixedupabouttheirchildren."
"Thatisn'tanicethingtosay,"returnedmywife.Icouldnotdenyit.
*****
Andyet,thenextmorning,whentheBredescamedownandseatedthemselvesoppositeusattable,
beamingandsmilingintheirnatural,pleasant,wellbredfashion,Iknew,toasocialcertainty,that
theywere"nice"people.Hewasafinelookingfellowinhisneattennisflannels,slim,graceful,
twentyeightorthirtyyearsold,withaFrenchypointedbeard.Shewas"nice"inallherprettyclothes,
andsheherselfwasprettywiththattypeofprettinesswhichoutwearsmostothertypestheprettiness
thatliesinaroundedfigure,aduskyskin,plump,rosycheeks,whiteteethandblackeyes.Shemight
havebeentwentyfiveyouguessedthatshewasprettierthanshewasattwenty,andthatshewould
beprettierstillatforty.
AndnicepeoplewereallwewantedtomakeushappyinMr.Jacobus'ssummerboardinghouseon
topofOrangeMountain.Foraweekwehadcomedowntobreakfasteachmorning,wonderingwhy
wewastedthepreciousdaysofidlenesswiththecompanygatheredaroundtheJacobusboard.What
joyofhumancompanionshipwastobehadoutofMrs.TabbandMissHoogencamp,thetwomiddle
88/170
2015.04.11.
agedgossipsfromScranton,Pa.outofMr.andMrs.Biggle,aninduratedheadbookkeeperandhis
primandcensoriouswifeoutofoldMajorHalkit,aretiredbusinessman,who,havingoncesolda
fewsharesoncommission,wroteforcircularsofeverystockcompanythatwasstarted,andtriedto
induceeveryonetoinvestwhowouldlistentohim?Welookedaroundatthosedullfaces,thetruthful
indicesofmeanandbarrenminds,anddecidedthatwewouldleavethatmorning.ThenweateMrs.
Jacobus'sbiscuit,lightasAurora'scloudlets,drankherhonestcoffee,inhaledtheperfumeofthelate
azaleaswithwhichshedeckedhertable,anddecidedtopostponeourdepartureonemoreday.And
thenwewanderedouttotakeourmorningglanceatwhatwecalled"ourview"anditseemedtousas
ifTabbandHoogencampandHalkitandtheBigglesescouldnotdriveusawayinayear.
Iwasnotsurprisedwhen,afterbreakfast,mywifeinvitedtheBredestowalkwithusto"ourview."
TheHoogencampBiggleTabbHalkitcontingentneverstirredoffJacobus'sverandabutwebothfelt
thattheBredeswouldnotprofanethatsacredscene.Westrolledslowlyacrossthefields,passed
throughthelittlebeltofwoodsand,asIheardMrs.Brede'slittlecryofstartledrapture,Imotionedto
Bredetolookup.
"ByJove!"hecried,"heavenly!"
Welookedofffromthebrowofthemountainoverfifteenmilesofbillowinggreen,towhere,far
acrossafarstretchofpalebluelayadimpurplelinethatweknewwasStatenIsland.Townsand
villageslaybeforeusandunderustherewereridgesandhills,uplandsandlowlands,woodsand
plains,allmassedandmingledinthatgreatsilentseaofsunlitgreen.Forsilentitwastous,standing
inthesilenceofahighplacesilentwithaSundaystillnessthatmadeuslisten,withouttaking
thought,forthesoundofbellscomingupfromthespiresthatroseabovethetreetopsthetreetops
thatlayasfarbeneathusasthelightcloudswereaboveusthatdroppedgreatshadowsuponourheads
andfaintspecksofshadeuponthebroadsweepoflandatthemountain'sfoot.
"Andsothatisyourview?"askedMrs.Brede,afteramoment"youareverygeneroustomakeit
ours,too."
Thenwelaydownonthegrass,andBredebegantotalk,inagentlevoice,asifhefelttheinfluenceof
theplace.Hehadpaddledacanoe,inhisearlierdays,hesaid,andhekneweveryriverandcreekin
thatvaststretchoflandscape.Hefoundhislandmarks,andpointedouttouswherethePassaicandthe
Hackensackflowed,invisibletous,hiddenbehindgreatridgesthatinoursightwerebutcombingsof
thegreenwavesuponwhichwelookeddown.Andyet,onthefurthersideofthosebroadridgesand
riseswerescoresofvillagesalittleworldofcountrylife,lyingunseenunderoureyes.
"Agooddeallikelookingathumanity,"hesaid"thereissuchathingasgettingsofaraboveour
fellowmenthatweseeonlyonesideofthem."
Ah,howmuchbetterwasthissortoftalkthanthechatterandgossipoftheTabbandtheHoogencamp
thantheMajor'sdissertationsuponhiseverlastingcirculars!MywifeandIexchangedglances.
"Now,whenIwentuptheMatterhorn"Mr.Bredebegan.
"Why,dear,"interruptedhiswife,"Ididn'tknowyoueverwentupthe
Matterhorn."
"Ititwasfiveyearsago,"saidMr.Brede,hurriedly."IIdidn'ttellyouwhenIwasontheother
side,youknowitwasratherdangerouswell,asIwassayingitlookedoh,itdidn'tlookatall
likethis."
Acloudfloatedoverhead,throwingitsgreatshadowoverthefieldwherewelay.Theshadowpassed
overthemountain'sbrowandreappearedfarbelow,arapidlydecreasingblot,flyingeastwardover
thegoldengreen.MywifeandIexchangedglancesoncemore.
89/170
2015.04.11.
Somehow,theshadowlingeredoverusall.Aswewenthome,theBredeswentsidebysidealongthe
narrowpath,andmywifeandIwalkedtogether.
"Shouldyouthink,"sheaskedme,"thatamanwouldclimbtheMatterhorntheveryfirstyearhewas
married?"
"Idon'tknow,mydear,"Ianswered,evasively"thisisn'tthefirstyearIhavebeenmarried,notbya
goodmany,andIwouldn'tclimbitforafarm."
"YouknowwhatImean,"shesaid.
Idid.
*****
Whenwereachedtheboardinghouse,Mr.Jacobustookmeaside.
"Youknow,"hebeganhisdiscourse,"mywifesheusettoliveinN'
York!"
Ididn'tknow,butIsaid"Yes."
"Shesaysthenumbersonthestreetsrunscrisscrosslike.
Thirtyfour'sononesideo'thestreetan'thirtyfiveont'other.
How'sthat?"
"Thatistheinvariablerule,Ibelieve."
"ThenIsaytheseherenewfolkthatyou'n'yourwifeseemsomightytakenupwithd'yeknow
anythingabout'em?"
"Iknownothingaboutthecharacterofyourboarders,Mr.Jacobus,"Ireplied,consciousofsome
irritability."IfIchoosetoassociatewithanyofthem"
"Jesssojessso!"brokeinJacobus."Ihain'tnothin'tosayag'instyersosherbil'ty.Butdoyeknow
them?"
"Why,certainlynot,"Ireplied.
"WellthatwasallIwuzaskin'ye.Yesee,whenhecomeheretotaketheroomsyouwasn'there
thenhetoldmywifethathelivedatnumberthirtyfourinhisstreet.An'yistiddyshetoldherthat
theylivedatnumberthirtyfive.Hesaidhelivedinanapartmenthouse.Nowtherecan'tbeno
apartmenthouseontwosidesofthesamestreet,kinthey?"
"Whatstreetwasit?"Iinquired,wearily.
"Hundred'n'twentyfirststreet."
"Maybe,"Ireplied,stillmorewearily."That'sHarlem.Nobodyknowswhatpeoplewilldoin
Harlem."
Iwentuptomywife'sroom.
"Don'tyouthinkit'squeer?"sheaskedme.
"IthinkI'llhaveatalkwiththatyoungmantonight,"Isaid,"andseeifhecangivesomeaccountof
90/170
2015.04.11.
himself."
"But,mydear,"mywifesaid,gravely,"shedoesn'tknowwhetherthey'vehadthemeaslesornot."
"Why,GreatScott!"Iexclaimed,"theymusthavehadthemwhentheywerechildren."
"Pleasedon'tbestupid,"saidmywife."Imeanttheirchildren."
Afterdinnerthatnightorrather,aftersupper,forwehaddinnerinthemiddleofthedayatJacobus's
IwalkeddownthelongverandahtoaskBrede,whowasplacidlysmokingattheotherend,to
accompanymeonatwilightstroll.HalfwaydownImetMajorHalkit.
"Thatfriendofyours,"hesaid,indicatingtheunconsciousfigureatthefurtherendofthehouse,
"seemstobeaqueersortofaDick.Hetoldmethathewasoutofbusiness,andjustlookingroundfor
achancetoinvesthiscapital.AndI'vebeentellinghimwhataneverlastingbigshowhehadtotake
stockintheCapitolineTrustCompanystartsnextmonthfourmillioncapitalItoldyouallabout
it.'Oh,well,'hesays,'let'swaitandthinkaboutit.''Wait!'saysI,'theCapitolineTrustCompanywon't
waitforyou,myboy.Thisislettingyouinonthegroundfloor,'saysI,'andit'snowornever.''Oh,let
itwait,'sayshe.Idon'tknowwhat'sintotheman."
"Idon'tknowhowwellheknowshisownbusiness,Major,"IsaidasIstartedagainforBrede'sendof
theveranda.ButIwastroublednonetheless.TheMajorcouldnothaveinfluencedthesaleofone
shareofstockintheCapitolineCompany.Butthatstockwasagreatinvestmentararechancefora
purchaserwithafewthousanddollars.PerhapsitwasnomoreremarkablethatBredeshouldnot
investthanthatIshouldnotandyet,itseemedtoaddonecircumstancemoretotheothersuspicious
circumstances.
*****
WhenIwentupstairsthatevening,IfoundmywifeputtingherhairtobedIdon'tknowhowIcan
betterdescribeanoperationfamiliartoeverymarriedman.Iwaiteduntilthelasttresswascoiledup,
andthenIspoke:
"I'vetalkedwithBrede,"Isaid,"andIdidn'thavetocatechizehim.Heseemedtofeelthatsomesort
ofexplanationwaslookedfor,andhewasveryoutspoken.Youwererightaboutthechildrenthatis,
Imusthavemisunderstoodhim.Thereareonlytwo.ButtheMatterhornepisodewassimpleenough.
Hedidn'trealizehowdangerousitwasuntilhehadgotsofarintoitthathecouldn'tbackoutandhe
didn'ttellher,becausehe'dleftherhere,yousee,andunderthecircumstances"
"Leftherhere!"criedmywife."I'vebeensittingwithherthewholeafternoon,sewing,andshetold
methatheleftheratGeneva,andcamebackandtookhertoBasle,andthebabywasbornthere
nowI'msure,dear,becauseIaskedher."
"PerhapsIwasmistakenwhenIthoughthesaidshewasonthissideofthewater,"Isuggested,with
bitter,bitingirony.
"Youpoordear,didIabuseyou?"saidmywife."But,doyouknow,Mrs.Tabbsaidthatshedidn't
knowhowmanylumpsofsugarhetookinhiscoffee.Nowthatseemsqueer,doesn'tit?"
Itdid.Itwasasmallthing.Butitlookedqueer,Veryqueer.
*****
Thenextmorning,itwasclearthatwarwasdeclaredagainsttheBredes.Theycamedownto
breakfastsomewhatlate,and,assoonastheyarrived,theBigglesesswoopedupthelastfragments
thatremainedontheirplates,andmadeastatelymarchoutofthediningroom,ThenMiss
91/170
2015.04.11.
Hoogencamparoseanddeparted,leavingawholefishballonherplate.EvenasAtalantamighthave
droppedanapplebehindhertotemptherpursuertocheckhisspeed,soMissHoogencampleftthat
fishballbehindher,andbetweenhermaidenselfandcontamination.
Wehadfinishedourbreakfast,mywifeandI,beforetheBredesappeared.Wetalkeditover,and
agreedthatweweregladthatwehadnotbeenobligedtotakesidesuponsuchinsufficienttestimony.
Afterbreakfast,itwasthecustomofthemalehalfoftheJacobushouseholdtogoaroundthecornerof
thebuildingandsmoketheirpipesandcigarswheretheywouldnotannoytheladies.Wesatundera
trelliscoveredwithagrapevinethathadbornenograpesinthememoryofman.Thisvine,however,
boreleaves,andthese,onthatpleasantsummermorning,shieldedfromustwopersonswhowerein
earnestconversationinthestraggling,halfdeadflowergardenatthesideofthehouse.
"Idon'twant,"weheardMr.Jacobussay,"toenterinnoman'spryvacybutIdowanttoknowwho
itmaybe,like,thatIhevinmyhouse.NowwhatIaskofyou,andIdon'twantyoutotakeitasinno
wayspersonal,ishevyouyourmerridgelicensewithyou?"
"No,"weheardthevoiceofMr.Bredereply."Haveyouyours?"
Ithinkitwasachanceshotbutittoldallthesame.TheMajor(hewasawidower)andMr.Biggle
andIlookedateachotherandMr.Jacobus,ontheothersideofthegrapetrellis,lookedatIdon't
knowwhatandwasassilentaswewere.
Whereisyourmarriagelicense,marriedreader?Doyouknow?Fourmen,notincludingMr.Brede,
stoodorsatononesideortheotherofthatgrapetrellis,andnotoneofthemknewwherehis
marriagelicensewas.EachofushadhadonetheMajorhadhadthree.Butwherewerethey?Where
isyours?Tuckedinyourbestman'spocketdepositedinhisdeskorwashedtoapulpinhiswhite
waistcoat(ifwhitewaistcoatsbethefashionofthehour),washedoutofexistencecanyoutell
whereitis?Canyouunlessyouareoneofthosepeoplewhoframethatinterestingdocumentand
hangitupontheirdrawingroomwalls?
Mr.Brede'svoicearose,afteranawfulstillnessofwhatseemedlikefiveminutes,andwas,probably,
thirtyseconds:
"Mr.Jacobus,willyoumakeoutyourbillatonce,andletmepayit?Ishallleavebythesixo'clock
train.Andwillyoualsosendthewagonformytrunks?"
"Ihain'tsaidIwantedtohevyeleave"beganMr.Jacobusbut
Bredecuthimshort.
"Bringmeyourbill."
"But,"remonstratedJacobus,"efyeain't"
"Bringmeyourbill!"saidMr.Brede.
*****
MywifeandIwentoutforourmorning'swalk.Butitseemedtous,whenwelookedat"ourview,"as
ifwecouldonlyseethoseinvisiblevillagesofwhichBredehadtoldusthatothersideoftheridges
andrisesofwhichwecatchnoglimpsefromloftyhillsorfromtheheightsofhumanselfesteem.We
meanttostayoutuntiltheBredeshadtakentheirdeparturebutwereturnedjustintimetoseePete,
theJacobusdarkey,theblackerofboots,thebrasherofcoats,thegeneralhandymanofthehouse,
loadingtheBredetrunksontheJacobuswagon.
And,aswesteppedupontheverandah,downcameMrs.Brede,leaningonMr.Brede'sarm,asthough
92/170
2015.04.11.
shewereillanditwasclearthatshehadbeencrying.Therewereheavyringsaboutherprettyblack
eyes.
Mywifetookasteptowardher.
"Lookatthatdress,dear,"shewhispered"sheneverthoughtanythinglikethiswasgoingtohappen
whensheputthaton."
Itwasapretty,delicate,daintydress,agraceful,narrowstripedaffair.Herhatwastrimmedwitha
narrowstripedsilkofthesamecolorsmaroonandwhiteandinherhandsheheldaparasolthat
matchedherdress.
"She'shadanewdressontwiceaday,"saidmywife,"butthat'stheprettiestyet.Oh,somehowI'm
awfullysorrythey'regoing!"
Butgoingtheywere.Theymovedtowardthesteps.Mrs.Bredelookedtowardmywife,andmywife
movedtowardMrs.Brede.Buttheostracizedwoman,asthoughshefeltthedeephumiliationofher
position,turnedsharplyaway,andopenedherparasoltoshieldhereyesfromthesun.Ashowerof
riceahalfpoundshowerofricefelldownoverherprettyhatandherprettydress,andfellina
spatteringcircleonthefloor,outliningherskirtsandthereitlayinabroad,unevenband,brightin
themorningsun.
Mrs.Bredewasinmywife'sarms,sobbingasifheryoungheartwouldbreak.
"Oh,youpoor,dear,sillychildren!"mywifecried,asMrs.Bredesobbedonhershoulder,"whydidn't
youtellus?"
"WWWWedidn'twanttobetttakenforabbbbbridalcouple,"sobbedMrs.Brede"andwed
ddidn'tdreamwhatawfullieswe'dhavetotell,andalltheawawfulmixedupnessofit.Oh,dear,
dear,dear!"
*****
"Pete!"commandedMr.Jacobus,"putbackthemtrunks.Thesefolksstayshere'slong'stheywants
ter.Mr.Brede"heheldoutalarge,hardhand"I'dorter'veknownbetter,"hesaid.Andmylast
doubtofMr.Bredevanishedasheshookthatgrimyhandinmanlyfashion.
Thetwowomenwerewalkingofftoward"ourview,"eachwithanarmabouttheother'swaist
touchedbyasuddensisterhoodofsympathy.
"Gentlemen,"saidMr.Brede,addressingJacobus,Biggle,theMajorandme,"thereisahostelry
downthestreetwheretheysellhonestNewJerseybeer.Irecognizetheobligationsofthesituation."
Wefivemenfileddownthestreet.Thetwowomenwenttowardthepleasantslopewherethesunlight
gildedtheforeheadofthegreathill.OnMr.Jacobus'sverandalayaspatteredcircleofshininggrains
ofrice.TwoofMr.Jacobus'spigeonsflewdownandpickeduptheshininggrains,makinggrateful
noisesfardownintheirthroats.
THEBULLERPODINGTONCOMPACT
BYFRANKRICHARDSTOCKTON(18341902)
[FromScribner'sMagazine,August,1897.RepublishedinAfieldand
93/170
2015.04.11.
Afloat,byFrankRichardStocktoncopyright,1900,byCharles
Scribner'sSons.Reprintedbypermissionofthepublishers.]
"Itellyou,William,"saidThomasBullertohisfriendMr.Podington,
"Iamtrulysorryaboutit,butIcannotarrangeforitthisyear.
Now,astomyinvitationthatisverydifferent."
"Ofcourseitisdifferent,"wasthereply,"butIamobligedtosay,asIsaidbefore,thatIreallycannot
acceptit."
RemarkssimilartothesehadbeenmadebyThomasBullerandWilliamPodingtonatleastoncea
yearforsomefiveyears.Theywereoldfriendstheyhadbeenschoolboystogetherandhadbeen
associatedinbusinesssincetheywereyoungmen.Theyhadnowreachedavigorousmiddleagethey
wereeachmarried,andeachhadahouseinthecountryinwhichheresidedforapartoftheyear.
Theywerewarmlyattachedtoeachother,andeachwasthebestfriendwhichtheotherhadinthis
world.Butduringalltheseyearsneitherofthemhadvisitedtheotherinhiscountryhome.
Thereasonforthisavoidanceofeachotherattheirrespectiveruralresidencesmaybebrieflystated.
Mr.Buller'scountryhousewassituatedbythesea,andhewasveryfondofthewater.Hehadagood
catboat,whichhesailedhimselfwithmuchjudgmentandskill,anditwashisgreatestpleasureto
takehisfriendsandvisitorsuponlittleexcursionsonthebay.ButMr.Podingtonwasdesperately
afraidofthewater,andhewasparticularlyafraidofanycraftsailedbyanamateur.Ifhisfriend
Bullerwouldhaveemployedaprofessionalmariner,ofyearsandexperience,tosteerandmanagehis
boat,PodingtonmighthavebeenwillingtotakeanoccasionalsailbutasBulleralwaysinsistedupon
sailinghisownboat,andtookitillifanyofhisvisitorsdoubtedhisabilitytodosoproperly,
Podingtondidnotwishtowoundtheselfloveofhisfriend,andhedidnotwishtobedrowned.
ConsequentlyhecouldnotbringhimselftoconsenttogotoBuller'shousebythesea.
ToreceivehisgoodfriendBullerathisownhouseinthebeautifuluplandregioninwhichhelived
wouldhavebeenagreatjoytoMr.PodingtonbutBullercouldnotbeinducedtovisithim.Podington
wasveryfondofhorsesandalwaysdrovehimself,whileBullerwasmoreafraidofhorsesthanhe
wasofelephantsorlions.Tooneormorehorsesdrivenbyacoachmanofyearsandexperiencehedid
notalwaysobject,buttoahorsedrivenbyPodington,whohadmuchexperienceandknowledge
regardingmercantileaffairs,butwasmerelyanamateurhorseman,hemostdecidedlyandstrongly
objected.Hedidnotwishtohurthisfriend'sfeelingsbyrefusingtogoouttodrivewithhim,buthe
wouldnotrackhisownnervoussystembyaccompanyinghim.Thereforeitwasthathehadnotyet
visitedthebeautifuluplandcountryresidenceofMr.Podington.
Atlastthisstateofthingsgrewawkward.Mrs.BullerandMrs.Podington,oftenwiththeirfamilies,
visitedeachotherattheircountryhouses,butthefactthatontheseoccasionstheywerenever
accompaniedbytheirhusbandscausedmoreandmoregossipamongtheirneighborsbothinthe
uplandcountryandbythesea.
Onedayinspringasthetwosatintheircityoffice,whereMr.Podingtonhadjustrepeatedhisannual
invitation,hisfriendrepliedtohimthus:
"William,ifIcometoseeyouthissummer,willyouvisitme?Thethingisbeginningtolookalittle
ridiculous,andpeoplearetalkingaboutit."
Mr.Podingtonputhishandtohisbrowandforafewmomentsclosedhiseyes.Inhismindhesawa
catboatuponitsside,thesailsspreadoutoverthewater,andtwomen,almostentirelyimmersedin
thewaves,makingeffortstoreachthesideoftheboat.Oneofthesewasgettingonverywellthat
wasBuller.Theotherseemedabouttosink,hisarmswereuselesslywavingintheairthatwas
himself.Butheopenedhiseyesandlookedbravelyoutofthewindowitwastimetoconquerallthis
itwasindeedgrowingridiculous.Bullerhadbeensailingmanyyearsandhadneverbeenupset.
94/170
2015.04.11.
"Yes,"saidhe"IwilldoitIamreadyanytimeyouname."
Mr.Bullerroseandstretchedouthishand.
"Good!"saidhe"itisacompact!"
Bullerwasthefirsttomakethepromisedcountryvisit.Hehadnotmentionedthesubjectofhorsesto
hisfriend,butheknewthroughMrs.BullerthatPodingtonstillcontinuedtobehisowndriver.She
hadinformedhim,however,thatatpresenthewasaccustomedtodriveabigblackhorsewhich,in
heropinion,wasasgentleandreliableastheseanimalseverbecame,andshecouldnotimaginehow
anybodycouldbeafraidofhim.Sowhen,thenextmorningafterhisarrival,Mr.Bullerwasaskedby
hishostifhewouldliketotakeadrive,hesuppressedacertainrisingemotionandsaidthatitwould
pleasehimverymuch.
WhenthegoodblackhorsehadjoggedalongapleasantroadforhalfanhourMr.Bullerbegantofeel
that,perhaps,foralltheseyearshehadbeenlaboringunderamisconception.Itseemedtobepossible
thatthereweresomehorsestowhichsurroundingcircumstancesintheshapeofsightsandsounds
weresoirrelevantthattheyweretoacertaindegreeentirelysafe,evenwhenguidedandcontrolledby
anamateurhand.Astheypassedsomemeadowland,somebodybehindahedgefiredagunMr.
Bullerwasfrightened,butthehorsewasnot.
"William,"saidBuller,lookingcheerfullyaroundhim,
"Ihadnoideathatyoulivedinsuchaprettycountry.Infact,Imightalmostcallitbeautiful.You
havenotanywidestretchofwater,suchasIlikesomuch,buthereisaprettyriver,thoserollinghills
areverycharming,and,beyond,youhavetheblueofthemountains."
"Itislovely,"saidhisfriend"Inevergettiredofdrivingthroughthiscountry.Ofcoursetheseaside
isveryfine,butherewehavesuchavarietyofscenery."
Mr.Bullercouldnothelpthinkingthatsometimestheseasidewasalittlemonotonous,andthathehad
lostagreatdealofpleasurebynotvaryinghissummersbygoinguptospendaweekortwowith
Podington.
"William,"saidhe,"howlonghaveyouhadthishorse?"
"Abouttwoyears,"saidMr.Podington"beforeIgothim,Iusedtodriveapair."
"Heavens!"thoughtBuller,"howluckyIwasnottocometwoyearsago!"Andhisregretsfornot
soonervisitinghisfriendgreatlydecreased.
Nowtheycametoaplacewherethestream,bywhichtheroadran,hadbeendammedforamilland
hadwidenedintoabeautifulpond.
"Therenow!"criedMr.Buller."That'swhatIlike.William,youseemtohaveeverything!Thisis
reallyaveryprettysheetofwater,andthereflectionsofthetreesovertheremakeacharmingpicture
youcan'tgetthatattheseaside,youknow."
Mr.Podingtonwasdelightedhisfaceglowedhewasrejoicedatthepleasureofhisfriend."Itell
you,Thomas,"saidhe,"that"
"William!"exclaimedBuller,withasuddensquirminhisseat,"whatisthatIhear?Isthatatrain?"
"Yes,"saidMr.Podington,"thatisthetenforty,up."
"Doesitcomenearhere?"askedMr.Buller,nervously."Doesitgooverthatbridge?"
95/170
2015.04.11.
"Yes,"saidPodington,"butitcan'thurtus,forourroadgoesunderthebridgeweareperfectlysafe
thereisnoriskofaccident."
"Butyourhorse!Yourhorse!"exclaimedBuller,asthetraincamenearerandnearer."Whatwillhe
do?"
"Do?"saidPodington"he'lldowhatheisdoingnowhedoesn'tmindtrains."
"Butlookhere,William,"exclaimedBuller,"itwillgettherejustaswedonohorsecouldstanda
roaringupintheairlikethat!"
Podingtonlaughed."Hewouldnotminditintheleast,"saidhe.
"Come,comenow,"criedBuller."Really,Ican'tstandthis!Juststopaminute,William,andletme
getout.Itsetsallmynervesquivering."
Mr.Podingtonsmiledwithasuperiorsmile."Oh,youneedn'tgetout,"saidhe"there'snottheleast
dangerintheworld.ButIdon'twanttomakeyounervous,andIwillturnaroundanddrivetheother
way."
"Butyoucan't!"screamedBuller."Thisroadisnotwideenough,andthattrainisnearlyhere.Please
stop!"
TheimputationthattheroadwasnotwideenoughforhimtoturnwastoomuchforMr.Podingtonto
bear.Hewasveryproudofhisabilitytoturnavehicleinanarrowplace.
"Turn!"saidhe"that'stheeasiestthingintheworld.Seealittletotheright,thenaback,thena
sweeptotheleftandwewillbegoingtheotherway."Andinstantlyhebeganthemaneuverinwhich
hewassuchanadept.
"Oh,Thomas!"criedBuller,halfrisinginhisseat,"thattrainisalmosthere!"
"Andwearealmost"Mr.Podingtonwasabouttosay"turnedaround,"buthestopped.Mr.
Buller'sexclamationshadmadehimalittlenervous,and,inhisanxietytoturnquickly,hehadpulled
uponhishorse'sbitwithmoreenergythanwasactuallynecessary,andhisnervousnessbeing
communicatedtothehorse,thatanimalbackedwithsuchextraordinaryvigorthatthehindwheelsof
thewagonwentoverabitofgrassbytheroadandintothewater.Thesuddenjoltgaveanewimpetus
toMr.Buller'sfears.
"You'llupset!"hecried,andnotthinkingofwhathewasabout,helaidholdofhisfriend'sarm.The
horse,startledbythissuddenjerkuponhisbit,which,combinedwiththethunderingofthetrain,
whichwasnowonthebridge,madehimthinkthatsomethingextraordinarywasabouttohappen,
gaveasuddenandforciblestartbackward,sothatnotonlythehindwheelsofthelightwagon,butthe
forewheelsandhisownhindlegswentintothewater.Asthebankatthisspotslopedsteeply,the
wagoncontinuedtogobackward,despitetheeffortsoftheagitatedhorsetofindafootingonthe
crumblingedgeofthebank.
"Whoa!"criedMr.Buller.
"Getup!"exclaimedMr.Podington,applyinghiswhipupontheplungingbeast.
Butexclamationsandcastigationshadnoeffectuponthehorse.Theoriginalbedofthestreamran
closetotheroad,andthebankwassosteepandtheearthsosoftthatitwasimpossibleforthehorseto
advanceorevenmaintainhisfooting.Back,backhewent,untilthewholeequipagewasinthewater
andthewagonwasafloat.
96/170
2015.04.11.
Thisvehiclewasaroadwagon,withoutatop,andthejointsofitsboxbodyweretightenoughto
preventthewaterfromimmediatelyenteringitso,somewhatdeeplysunken,itresteduponthewater.
Therewasacurrentinthispartofthepondanditturnedthewagondownstream.Thehorsewasnow
entirelyimmersedinthewater,withtheexceptionofhisheadandtheupperpartofhisneck,and,
unabletoreachthebottomwithhisfeet,hemadevigorouseffortstoswim.
Mr.Podington,thereinsandwhipinhishands,sathorrifiedandpaletheaccidentwassosudden,he
wassostartledandsofrightenedthat,foramoment,hecouldnotspeakaword.Mr.Buller,onthe
otherhand,wasnowlivelyandalert.Thewagonhadnosoonerfloatedawayfromtheshorethanhe
felthimselfathome.Hewasuponhisfavoriteelementwaterhadnofearsforhim.Hesawthathis
friendwasnearlyfrightenedoutofhiswits,andthat,figurativelyspeaking,hemuststeptothehelm
andtakechargeofthevessel.Hestoodupandgazedabouthim.
"Putheracrossstream!"heshouted"shecan'tmakeheadwayagainstthiscurrent.Headhertothat
clumpoftreesontheothersidethebankislowerthere,andwecanbeachher.Movealittletheother
way,wemusttrimboat.Nowthen,pullonyourstarboardrein."
Podingtonobeyed,andthehorseslightlychangedhisdirection.
"Yousee,"saidBuller,"itwon'tdotosailstraightacross,becausethecurrentwouldcarryusdown
andlandusbelowthatspot."
Mr.Podingtonsaidnotawordheexpectedeverymomenttoseethehorsesinkintoawaterygrave.
"Itisn'tsobadafterall,isit,Podington?Ifwehadarudderandabitofasailitwouldbeagreathelp
tothehorse.Thiswagonisnotabadboat."
ThedespairingPodingtonlookedathisfeet."It'scomingin,"hesaidinahuskyvoice."Thomas,the
waterisovermyshoes!"
"Thatisso,"saidBuller."IamsousedtowaterIdidn'tnoticeit.
Sheleaks.Doyoucarryanythingtobailheroutwith?"
"Bail!"criedPodington,nowfindinghisvoice."Oh,Thomas,wearesinking!"
"That'sso,"saidBuller"sheleakslikeasieve."
Theweightoftherunninggearandofthetwomenwasentirelytoomuchforthebuoyancyofthe
wagonbody.Thewaterrapidlyrosetowardthetopofitssides.
"Wearegoingtodrown!"criedPodington,suddenlyrising.
"Lickhim!Lickhim!"exclaimedBuller."Makehimswimfaster!"
"There'snothingtolick,"criedPodington,vainlylashingatthewater,forhecouldnotreachthe
horse'shead.Thepoormanwasdreadfullyfrightenedhehadneverevenimagineditpossiblethathe
shouldbedrownedinhisownwagon.
"Whoop!"criedBuller,asthewaterroseoverthesides."Steadyyourself,oldboy,oryou'llgo
overboard!"Andthenextmomentthewagonbodysunkoutofsight.
Butitdidnotgodownveryfar.Thedeepestpartofthechannelofthestreamhadbeenpassed,and
withabumpthewheelsstruckthebottom.
"Heavens!"exclaimedBuller,"weareaground."
97/170
2015.04.11.
"Aground!"exclaimedPodington,"Heavenbepraised!"
Asthetwomenstoodupinthesubmergedwagonthewaterwasabovetheirknees,andwhen
Podingtonlookedoutoverthesurfaceofthepond,nowsonearhisface,itseemedlikeasheetof
waterhehadneverseenbefore.Itwassomethinghorrible,threateningtoriseandenvelophim.He
trembledsothathecouldscarcelykeephisfooting.
"William,"saidhiscompanion,"youmustsitdownifyoudon't,you'lltumbleoverboardandbe
drowned.Thereisnothingforyoutoholdto."
"Sitdown,"saidPodington,gazingblanklyatthewateraroundhim,"Ican'tdothat!"
Atthismomentthehorsemadeaslightmovement.Havingtouchedbottomafterhiseffortsin
swimmingacrossthemainbedofthestream,withafloatingwagonintow,hehadstoodforafew
moments,hisheadandneckwellabovewater,andhisbackbarelyvisiblebeneaththesurface.Having
recoveredhisbreath,henowthoughtitwastimetomoveon.
AtthefirststepofthehorseMr.Podingtonbegantototter.
InstinctivelyheclutchedBuller.
"Sitdown!"criedthelatter,"oryou'llhaveusbothoverboard."TherewasnohelpforitdownsatMr.
Podingtonand,aswithagreatsplashhecameheavilyupontheseat,thewaterrosetohiswaist.
"Ough!"saidhe."Thomas,shoutforhelp."
"Nousedoingthat,"repliedBuller,stillstandingonhisnauticallegs"Idon'tseeanybody,andIdon't
seeanyboat.We'llgetoutallright.Justyousticktighttothethwart."
"Thewhat?"feeblyaskedtheother.
"Oh,theseat,Imean.Wecangettotheshoreallrightifyousteerthehorsestraight.Headhimmore
acrossthepond."
"Ican'theadhim,"criedPodington."Ihavedroppedthereins!"
"Goodgracious!"criedMr.Buller,"that'sbad.Can'tyousteerhimbyshouting'Gee'and'Haw'?"
"No,"saidPodington,"heisn'tanoxbutperhapsIcanstophim."Andwithasmuchvoiceashe
couldsummon,hecalledout:"Whoa!"andthehorsestopped.
"Ifyoucan'tsteerhimanyotherway,"saidBuller,"wemustgetthereins.Lendmeyourwhip."
"Ihavedroppedthattoo,"saidPodington"thereitfloats."
"Oh,dear,"saidBuller,"IguessI'llhavetodiveforthemifheweretorunaway,weshouldbeinan
awfulfix."
"Don'tgetout!Don'tgetout!"exclaimedPodington."Youcanreachoverthedashboard."
"Asthat'sunderwater,"saidBuller,"itwillbethesamethingasdivingbutit'sgottobedone,andI'll
tryit.Don'tyoumovenowIammoreusedtowaterthanyouare."
Mr.Bullertookoffhishatandaskedhisfriendtoholdit.Hethoughtofhiswatchandothercontents
ofhispockets,buttherewasnoplacetoputthem,sohegavethemnomoreconsideration.Then
bravelygettingonhiskneesinthewater,heleanedoverthedashboard,almostdisappearingfrom
sight.WithhisdisengagedhandMr.Podingtongraspedthesubmergedcoattailsofhisfriend.
98/170
2015.04.11.
InafewsecondstheupperpartofMr.Bullerrosefromthewater.Hewasdrippingandpuffing,and
Mr.Podingtoncouldnotbutthinkwhatadifferenceitmadeintheappearanceofhisfriendtohavehis
hairplasteredclosetohishead.
"Igotholdofoneofthem,"saidthesputteringBuller,"butitwasfasttosomethingandIcouldn'tget
itloose."
"Wasitthickandwide?"askedPodington.
"Yes,"wastheanswer"itdidseemso."
"Oh,thatwasatrace,"saidPodington"Idon'twantthatthereinsarethinnerandlighter."
"NowIremembertheyare,"saidBuller."I'llgodownagain."
AgainMr.Bullerleanedoverthedashboard,andthistimeheremaineddownlonger,andwhenhe
cameuphepuffedandsputteredmorethanbefore.
"Isthisit?"saidhe,holdingupastripofwetleather.
"Yes,"saidPodington,"you'vegotthereins."
"Well,takethem,andsteer.Iwouldhavefoundthemsoonerifhistailhadnotgotintomyeyes.That
longtail'sfloatingdownthereandspreadingitselfoutlikeafanittangleditselfallaroundmyhead.
Itwouldhavebeenmucheasierifhehadbeenabobtailedhorse."
"Nowthen,"saidPodington,"takeyourhat,Thomas,andI'lltrytodrive."
Mr.Bullerputonhishat,whichwastheonlydrythingabouthim,andthenervousPodingtonstarted
thehorsesosuddenlythateventhesealegsofBullerweresurprised,andhecameveryneargoing
backwardintothewaterbutrecoveringhimself,hesatdown.
"Idon'twonderyoudidnotliketodothis,William,"saidhe."WetasIam,it'sghastly!"
Encouragedbyhismaster'svoice,andbythefeelingofthefamiliarhanduponhisbit,thehorse
movedbravelyon.
Butthebottomwasveryroughanduneven.Sometimesthewheelsstruckalargestone,terrifyingMr.
Buller,whothoughttheyweregoingtoupsetandsometimestheysankintosoftmud,horrifyingMr.
Podington,whothoughttheyweregoingtodrown.
Thusproceeding,theypresentedastrangesight.AtfirstMr.Podingtonheldhishandsabovethewater
ashedrove,buthesoonfoundthisawkward,anddroppedthemtotheirusualposition,sothatnothing
wasvisibleabovethewaterbuttheheadandneckofahorseandtheheadsandshouldersoftwomen.
Nowthesubmarineequipagecametoalowplaceinthebottom,andevenMr.Bullershudderedasthe
waterrosetohischin.Podingtongaveahowlofhorror,andthehorse,withhigh,upliftedhead,was
obligedtoswim.Atthismomentaboywithaguncamestrollingalongtheroad,andhearingMr.
Podington'scry,hecasthiseyesoverthewater.Instinctivelyheraisedhisweapontohisshoulder,and
then,inaninstant,perceivingthattheobjectshebeheldwerenotaquaticbirds,hedroppedhisgun
andranyellingdowntheroadtowardthemill.
Butthehollowinthebottomwasanarrowone,andwhenitwaspassedthedepthofthewater
graduallydecreased.Thebackofthehorsecameintoview,thedashboardbecamevisible,andthe
bodiesandthespiritsofthetwomenrapidlyrose.Nowtherewasvigoroussplashingandtugging,and
thenajetblackhorse,shiningasifhehadbeennewlyvarnished,pulledadrippingwagoncontaining
99/170
2015.04.11.
twowellsoakedmenuponashelvingshore.
"Oh,Iamchilledtothebones!"saidPodington.
"Ishouldthinkso,"repliedhisfriend"ifyouhavegottobewet,itisagreatdealpleasanterunderthe
water."
TherewasafieldroadonthissideofthepondwhichPodingtonwellknew,andproceedingalongthis
theycametothebridgeandgotintothemainroad.
"Nowwemustgethomeasfastaswecan,"criedPodington,"orweshallbothtakecold.IwishI
hadn'tlostmywhip.Hinow!Getalong!"
Podingtonwasnowfulloflifeandenergy,hiswheelswereonthehardroad,andhewashimself
again.
Whenhefoundhisheadwasturnedtowardhishome,thehorsesetoffatagreatrate.
"Hithere!"criedPodington."IamsosorryIlostmywhip."
"Whip!"saidBuller,holdingfasttothesideoftheseat"surelyyoudon'twanthimtogoanyfaster
thanthis.Andlookhere,William,"headded,"itseemstomewearemuchmorelikelytotakecoldin
ourwetclothesifwerushthroughtheairinthisway.Really,itseemstomethathorseisrunning
away."
"Notabitofit,"criedPodington."Hewantstogethome,andhewantshisdinner.Isn'theafine
horse?Lookhowhestepsout!"
"Stepsout!"saidBuller,"IthinkI'dliketostepoutmyself.Don'tyouthinkitwouldbewiserforme
towalkhome,William?Thatwillwarmmeup."
"Itwilltakeyouanhour,"saidhisfriend."Staywhereyouare,and
I'llhaveyouinadrysuitofclothesinlessthanfifteenminutes."
"Itellyou,William,"saidMr.Buller,asthetwosatsmokingafterdinner,"whatyououghttodoyou
shouldnevergooutdrivingwithoutalifepreserverandapairofoarsIalwaystakethem.Itwould
makeyoufeelsafer."
Mr.Bullerwenthomethenextday,becauseMr.Podington'sclothesdidnotfithim,andhisown
outdoorsuitwassoshrunkenastobeuncomfortable.Besides,therewasanotherreason,connected
withthedesireofhorsestoreachtheirhomes,whichpromptedhisreturn.Buthehadnotforgottenhis
compactwithhisfriend,andinthecourseofaweekhewrotetoPodington,invitinghimtospend
somedayswithhim.Mr.Podingtonwasamanofhonor,andinspiteofhisrecentunfortunatewater
experiencehewouldnotbreakhisword.HewenttoMr.Buller'sseasidehomeatthetimeappointed.
Earlyonthemorningafterhisarrival,beforethefamilywereup,Mr.Podingtonwentoutandstrolled
downtotheedgeofthebay.HewenttolookatBuller'sboat.Hewaswellawarethathewouldbe
askedtotakeasail,andasBullerhaddrivenwithhim,itwouldbeimpossibleforhimtodecline
sailingwithBullerbuthemustseetheboat.Therewasatrainforhishomeataquarterpastsevenif
hewerenotonthepremiseshecouldnotbeaskedtosail.IfBuller'sboatwerealittle,flimsything,he
wouldtakethattrainbuthewouldwaitandsee.
Therewasonlyonesmallboatanchorednearthebeach,andamanapparentlyafisherman
informedMr.PodingtonthatitbelongedtoMr.Buller.Podingtonlookedatiteagerlyitwasnotvery
smallandnotflimsy.
100/170
2015.04.11.
"Doyouconsiderthatasafeboat?"heaskedthefisherman.
"Safe?"repliedtheman."Youcouldnotupsetherifyoutried.Lookatherbreadthofbeam!You
couldgoanywhereinthatboat!Areyouthinkingofbuyingher?"
TheideathathewouldthinkofbuyingaboatmadeMr.Podingtonlaugh.Theinformationthatit
wouldbeimpossibletoupsetthelittlevesselhadgreatlycheeredhim,andhecouldlaugh.
ShortlyafterbreakfastMr.Buller,likeanursewithadoseofmedicine,cametoMr.Podingtonwith
theexpectedinvitationtotakeasail.
"Now,William,"saidhishost,"Iunderstandperfectlyyourfeelingaboutboats,andwhatIwishto
provetoyouisthatitisafeelingwithoutanyfoundation.Idon'twanttoshockyouormakeyou
nervous,soIamnotgoingtotakeyououttodayonthebayinmyboat.Youareassafeonthebayas
youwouldbeonlandalittlesafer,perhaps,undercertaincircumstances,towhichwewillnot
alludebutstillitissometimesalittlerough,andthis,atfirst,mightcauseyousomeuneasiness,and
soIamgoingtoletyoubeginyoureducationinthesailinglineonperfectlysmoothwater.About
threemilesbackofusthereisaveryprettylakeseveralmileslong.Itispartofthecanalsystem
whichconnectsthetownwiththerailroad.Ihavesentmyboattothetown,andwecanwalkupthere
andgobythecanaltothelakeitisonlyaboutthreemiles."
Ifhehadtosailatall,thiskindofsailingsuitedMr.Podington.Acanal,aquietlake,andaboat
whichcouldnotbeupset.Whentheyreachedthetowntheboatwasinthecanal,readyforthem.
"Now,"saidMr.Buller,"yougetinandmakeyourselfcomfortable.Myideaistohitchontoacanal
boatandbetowedtothelake.Theboatsgenerallystartaboutthistimeinthemorning,andIwillgo
andseeaboutit."
Mr.Podington,underthedirectionofhisfriend,tookaseatinthesternofthesailboat,andthenhe
remarked:
"Thomas,haveyoualifepreserveronboard?YouknowIamnotusedtoanykindofvessel,andIam
clumsy.Nothingmighthappentotheboat,butImighttripandfalloverboard,andIcan'tswim."
"Allright,"saidBuller"here'salifepreserver,andyoucanputiton.Iwantyoutofeelperfectlysafe.
NowIwillgoandseeaboutthetow."
ButMr.Bullerfoundthatthecanalboatswouldnotstartattheirusualtimetheloadingofoneof
themwasnotfinished,andhewasinformedthathemighthavetowaitforanhourormore.Thisdid
notsuitMr.Bulleratall,andhedidnothesitatetoshowhisannoyance.
"Itellyou,sir,whatyoucando,"saidoneofthemeninchargeoftheboats"ifyoudon'twanttowait
tillwearereadytostart,we'llletyouhaveaboyandahorsetotowyouuptothelake.Thatwon't
costyoumuch,andthey'llbebackbeforewewant'em."
Thebargainwasmade,andMr.Bullerjoyfullyreturnedtohisboatwiththeintelligencethatthey
werenottowaitforthecanalboats.Alongrope,withahorseattachedtotheotherendofit,was
speedilymadefasttotheboat,andwithaboyattheheadofthehorse,theystartedupthecanal.
"NowthisisthekindofsailingIlike,"saidMr.Podington."IfIlivednearacanalIbelieveIwould
buyaboatandtrainmyhorsetotow.Icouldhavealongpairofropelinesanddrivehimmyselfthen
whentheroadswereroughandbadthecanalwouldalwaysbesmooth."
"Thisisallverynice,"repliedMr.Buller,whosatbythetillertokeeptheboatawayfromthebank,
"andIamgladtoseeyouinaboatunderanycircumstances.Doyouknow,William,thatalthoughI
didnotplanit,therecouldnothavebeenabetterwaytobeginyoursailingeducation.Hereweglide
101/170
2015.04.11.
along,slowlyandgently,withnopossiblethoughtofdanger,foriftheboatshouldsuddenlyspringa
leak,asifitwerethebodyofawagon,allwewouldhavetodowouldbetosteponshore,andbythe
timeyougettotheendofthecanalyouwilllikethisgentlemotionsomuchthatyouwillbeperfectly
readytobeginthesecondstageofyournauticaleducation."
"Yes,"saidMr.Podington."Howlongdidyousaythiscanalis?"
"Aboutthreemiles,"answeredhisfriend."Thenwewillgointothelockandinafewminuteswe
shallbeonthelake."
"SofarasIamconcerned,"saidMr.Podington,"Iwishthecanalweretwelvemileslong.Icannot
imagineanythingpleasanterthanthis.IfIlivedanywherenearacanalalongcanal,Imean,thisone
istooshortI'd"
"Come,comenow,"interruptedBuller."Don'tbecontenttostayintheprimaryschooljustbecauseit
iseasy.WhenwegetonthelakeIwillshowyouthatinaboat,withagentlebreeze,suchasweare
likelytohavetoday,youwillfindthemotionquiteaspleasing,andeversomuchmoreinspiriting.I
shouldnotbeabitsurprised,William,ifafteryouhavebeentwoorthreetimesonthelakeyouwill
askmeyes,positivelyaskmetotakeyououtonthebay!"
Mr.Podingtonsmiled,andleaningbackward,helookedupatthebeautifulbluesky.
"Youcan'tgivemeanythingbetterthanthis,Thomas,"saidhe"butyouneedn'tthinkIam
weakeningyoudrovewithme,andIwillsailwithyou."
ThethoughtcameintoBuller'smindthathehaddonebothofthesethingswithPodington,buthedid
notwishtocallupunpleasantmemories,andsaidnothing.
Abouthalfamilefromthetowntherestoodasmallcottagewherehousecleaningwasgoingon,and
onafence,notfarfromthecanal,therehungacarpetgailyadornedwithstripesandspotsofredand
yellow.
Whenthedrowsytowhorsecameabreastofthehouse,andthecarpetcaughthiseye,hesuddenly
stoppedandgaveastarttowardthecanal.Then,impressedwithahorroroftheglaringapparition,he
gatheredhimselfup,andwithabounddashedalongthetowpath.Theastoundedboygaveashout,
butwasspeedilyleftbehind.TheboatofMr.Bullershotforwardasifshehadbeenstruckbyasquall.
Theterrifiedhorsespedonasifaredandyellowdemonwereafterhim.Theboatbounded,and
plunged,andfrequentlystruckthegrassybankofthecanal,asifitwouldbreakitselftopieces.Mr.
Podingtonclutchedtheboomtokeephimselffrombeingthrownout,whileMr.Buller,bothhands
uponthetiller,franticallyendeavoredtokeeptheboatfromthebank.
"William!"hescreamed,"heisrunningawaywithusweshallbedashedtopieces!Can'tyouget
forwardandcastoffthatline?"
"Whatdoyoumean?"criedPodington,astheboomgaveagreatjerkasifitwouldbreakits
fasteningsanddraghimoverboard.
"Imeanuntiethetowline.We'llbesmashedifyoudon't!Ican'tleavethistiller.Don'ttrytostandup
holdontotheboomandcreepforward.Steadynow,oryou'llbeoverboard!"
Mr.Podingtonstumbledtothebowoftheboat,hiseffortsgreatlyimpededbythebigcorklife
preservertiedunderhisarms,andthemotionoftheboatwassoviolentanderraticthathewas
obligedtoholdontothemastwithonearmandtotrytoloosentheknotwiththeotherbuttherewas
agreatstrainontherope,andhecoulddonothingwithonehand.
102/170
2015.04.11.
"Cutit!Cutit!"criedMr.Buller.
"Ihaven'taknife,"repliedPodington.
Mr.Bullerwasterriblyfrightenedhisboatwascuttingthroughthewaterasnevervesselofherclass
hadspedsincesailboatswereinvented,andbumpingagainstthebankasifshewereabilliardball
reboundingfromtheedgeofatable.Heforgothewasinaboatheonlyknewthatforthefirsttimein
hislifehewasinarunaway.Heletgothetiller.Itwasofnousetohim.
"William,"hecried,"letusjumpoutthenexttimewearenearenoughtoshore!"
"Don'tdothat!Don'tdothat!"repliedPodington."Don'tjumpoutinarunawaythatisthewaytoget
hurt.Sticktoyourseat,myboyhecan'tkeepthisupmuchlonger.He'lllosehiswind!"
Mr.Podingtonwasgreatlyexcited,buthewasnotfrightened,asBullerwas.Hehadbeenina
runawaybefore,andhecouldnothelpthinkinghowmuchbetterawagonwasthanaboatinsucha
case.
"IfhewerehitchedupshorterandIhadasnafflebitandastoutpairofreins,"thoughthe,"Icould
soonbringhimup."
ButMr.Bullerwasrapidlylosinghiswits.Thehorseseemedtobegoingfasterthanever.Theboat
bumpedharderagainstthebank,andatonetimeBullerthoughttheycouldturnover.
Suddenlyathoughtstruckhim.
"William,"heshouted,"tipthatanchorovertheside!Throwitin,anyway!"
Mr.Podingtonlookedabouthim,and,almostunderhisfeet,sawtheanchor.Hedidnotinstantly
comprehendwhyBullerwanteditthrownoverboard,butthiswasnotatimetoaskquestions.The
difficultiesimposedbythelifepreserver,andthenecessityofholdingonwithonehand,interfered
verymuchwithhisgettingattheanchorandthrowingitovertheside,butatlasthesucceeded,and
justastheboatthrewupherbowasifshewereabouttojumponshore,theanchorwentoutandits
lineshotafterit.Therewasanirregulartremblingoftheboatastheanchorstruggledalongthebottom
ofthecanalthentherewasagreatshocktheboatranintothebankandstoppedthetowlinewas
tightenedlikeaguitarstring,andthehorse,jerkedbackwithgreatviolence,cametumblinginaheap
upontheground.
InstantlyMr.Podingtonwasontheshoreandrunningatthetopofhisspeedtowardthehorse.The
astoundedanimalhadscarcelybeguntostruggletohisfeetwhenPodingtonrusheduponhim,pressed
hisheadbacktotheground,andsatuponit.
"Hurrah!"hecried,wavinghishatabovehishead."Getout,Bullerheisallrightnow!"
PresentlyMr.Bullerapproached,verymuchshakenup.
"Allright?"hesaid."Idon'tcallahorseflatinaroadwithamanonhisheadallrightbutholdhim
downtillwegethimloosefrommyboat.Thatisthethingtodo.William,casthimloosefromthe
boatbeforeyoulethimup!Whatwillhedowhenhegetsup?"
"Oh.he'llbequietenoughwhenhegetsup,"saidPodington."Butifyou'vegotaknifeyoucancuthis
tracesImeanthatropebutno,youneedn't.Herecomestheboy.We'llsettlethisbusinessinvery
shortordernow."
Whenthehorsewasonhisfeet,andallconnectionbetweentheanimalandtheboathadbeensevered,
Mr.Podingtonlookedathisfriend.
103/170
2015.04.11.
"Thomas,"saidhe,"youseemtohavehadahardtimeofit.Youhavelostyourhatandyoulookasif
youhadbeeninawrestlingmatch."
"Ihave,"repliedtheother"IwrestledwiththattillerandIwonderitdidn'tthrowmeout."
Nowapproachedtheboy."ShallIhitchhimonagain,sir?"saidhe.
"He'squietenoughnow."
"No,"criedMr.Buller"Iwantnomoresailingafterahorse,and,besides,wecan'tgoonthelake
withthatboatshehasbeenbatteredaboutsomuchthatshemusthaveopenedadozenseams.The
bestthingwecandoistowalkhome."
Mr.Podingtonagreedwithhisfriendthatwalkinghomewasthebestthingtheycoulddo.Theboat
wasexaminedandfoundtobeleaking,butnotverybadly,andwhenhermasthadbeenunshipped
andeverythinghadbeenmadetightandrightonboard,shewaspulledoutofthewayoftowlinesand
boats,andmadefastuntilshecouldbesentforfromthetown.
Mr.BullerandMr.Podingtonwalkedbacktowardthetown.Theyhadnotgoneveryfarwhenthey
metapartyofboys,who,uponseeingthem,burstintounseemlylaughter.
"Mister,"criedoneofthem,"youneedn'tbeafraidoftumblingintothecanal.Whydon'tyoutakeoff
yourlifepreserverandletthatothermanputitonhishead?"
Thetwofriendslookedateachotherandcouldnothelpjoininginthelaughteroftheboys.
"ByGeorge!Iforgotallaboutthis,"saidPodington,asheunfastenedthecorkjacket."Itdoeslooka
littlesupertimidtowearalifepreserverjustbecauseonehappenstobewalkingbythesideofa
canal."
Mr.Bullertiedahandkerchiefonhishead,andMr.Podingtonrolleduphislifepreserverandcarried
itunderhisarm.Thustheyreachedthetown,whereBullerboughtahat,Podingtondispensedwithhis
bundle,andarrangementsweremadetobringbacktheboat.
"Runawayinasailboat!"exclaimedoneofthecanalboatmenwhenhehadheardabouttheaccident.
"Uponmyword!Thatbeatsanythingthatcouldhappentoaman!"
"No,itdoesn't,"repliedMr.Buller,quietly."Ihavegonetothebottominafounderedroadwagon."
Themanlookedathimfixedly.
"Wasyoueverstruckinthemudinaballoon?"heasked.
"Notyet,"repliedMr.Buller.
ItrequiredtendaystoputMr.Buller'ssailboatintopropercondition,andfortendaysMr.Podington
stayedwithhisfriend,andenjoyedhisvisitverymuch.Theystrolledonthebeach,theytooklong
walksinthebackcountry,theyfishedfromtheendofapier,theysmoked,theytalked,andwere
happyandcontent.
"Thomas,"saidMr.Podington,onthelasteveningofhisstay,"Ihaveenjoyedmyselfverymuch
sinceIhavebeendownhere,andnow,Thomas,ifIweretocomedownagainnextsummer,would
youmindwouldyoumind,not"
"Iwouldnotminditabit,"repliedBuller,promptly."I'llneversomuchasmentionitsoyoucan
comealongwithoutathoughtofit.Andsinceyouhavealludedtothesubject,William,"he
continued,"I'dlikeverymuchtocomeandseeyouagainyouknowmyvisitwasaveryshortone
104/170
2015.04.11.
thisyear.Thatisabeautifulcountryyoulivein.Suchavarietyofscenery,suchanopportunityfor
walksandrambles!But,William,ifyoucouldonlymakeupyourmindnotto"
"Oh,thatisallright!"exclaimedPodington."Idonotneedtomakeupmymind.Youcometomy
houseandyouwillneversomuchashearofit.Here'smyhanduponit!"
"Andhere'smine!"saidMr.Buller.
Andtheyshookhandsoveranewcompact.
COLONELSTARBOTTLEFORTHEPLAINTIFF
ByBretHarte(18391902)
[FromHarper'sMagazine,March,1901.Republishedinthevolume,OpeningsintheOldTrail
(1902),byBretHartecopyright,1902,byHoughtonMifflinCompany,theauthorizedpublishersof
BretHarte'scompleteworksreprintedbytheirpermission.]
IthadbeenadayoftriumphforColonelStarbottle.First,forhispersonality,asitwouldhavebeen
difficulttoseparatetheColonel'sachievementsfromhisindividualitysecond,forhisoratorical
abilitiesasasympatheticpleaderandthird,forhisfunctionsastheleadingcounselfortheEureka
DitchCompanyversustheStateofCalifornia.OnhisstrictlylegalperformancesinthisissueIprefer
nottospeaktherewerethosewhodeniedthem,althoughthejuryhadacceptedtheminthefaceofthe
rulingofthehalfamused,halfcynicalJudgehimself.ForanhourtheyhadlaughedwiththeColonel,
weptwithhim,beenstirredtopersonalindignationorpatrioticexaltationbyhispassionateandlofty
periodswhatelsecouldtheydothangivehimtheirverdict?Ifitwasallegedbysomethatthe
Americaneagle,ThomasJefferson,andtheResolutionsof'98hadnothingwhatevertodowiththe
contestofaditchcompanyoveradoubtfullywordedlegislativedocumentthatwholesaleabuseof
theStateAttorneyandhispoliticalmotiveshadnottheslightestconnectionwiththelegalquestion
raiseditwas,nevertheless,generallyacceptedthatthelosingpartywouldhavebeenonlytoogladto
havetheColonelontheirside.AndColonelStarbottleknewthis,as,perspiring,florid,andpanting,
herebuttonedthelowerbuttonsofhisbluefrockcoat,whichhadbecomeloosedinanoratorical
spasm,andreadjustedhisoldfashioned,spotlessshirtfrillaboveitashestruttedfromthecourtroom
amidstthehandshakingsandacclamationsofhisfriends.
Andhereanunprecedentedthingoccurred.TheColonelabsolutelydeclinedspirituousrefreshmentat
theneighboringPalmettoSaloon,anddeclaredhisintentionofproceedingdirectlytohisofficeinthe
adjoiningsquare.NeverthelesstheColonelquittedthebuildingalone,andapparentlyunarmedexcept
forhisfaithfulgoldheadedstick,whichhungasusualfromhisforearm.Thecrowdgazedafterhim
withundisguisedadmirationofthisnewevidenceofhispluck.Itwasrememberedalsothata
mysteriousnotehadbeenhandedtohimattheconclusionofhisspeechevidentlyachallengefrom
theStateAttorney.ItwasquiteplainthattheColonelapractisedduellistwashasteninghometo
answerit.
Buthereintheywerewrong.Thenotewasinafemalehand,andsimplyrequestedtheColonelto
accordaninterviewwiththewriterattheColonel'sofficeassoonasheleftthecourt.Butitwasan
engagementthattheColonelasdevotedtothefairsexashewastothe"code"wasnolessprompt
inaccepting.Heflickedawaythedustfromhisspotlesswhitetrousersandvarnishedbootswithhis
handkerchief,andsettledhisblackcravatunderhisByroncollarashenearedhisoffice.Hewas
surprised,however,onopeningthedoorofhisprivateofficetofindhisvisitoralreadytherehewas
stillmorestartledtofindhersomewhatpastmiddleageandplainlyattired.ButtheColonelwas
broughtupinaschoolofSouthernpoliteness,alreadyantiqueintherepublic,andhisbowofcourtesy
105/170
2015.04.11.
belongedtotheepochofhisshirtfrillandstrappedtrousers.Noonecouldhavedetectedhis
disappointmentinhismanner,albeithissentenceswereshortandincomplete.ButtheColonel's
colloquialspeechwasapttobefragmentaryincoherenciesofhislargeroratoricalutterances.
"Athousandpardonsforerhavingkeptaladywaitinger!Butercongratulationsoffriends
andercourtesyduetothemerinterferedwiththoughperhapsonlyheightenedby
procrastinationpleasureofha!"AndtheColonelcompletedhissentencewithagallantwaveofhis
fatbutwhiteandwellkepthand.
"Yes!Icametoseeyoualongo'thatspeechofyours.Iwasincourt.WhenIheardyougettin'itoffon
thatjury,Isaystomyselfthat'sthekindo'lawyerIwant.Amanthat'sfloweryandconvincin'!Just
themantotakeupourcase."
"Ah!It'samatterofbusiness,Isee,"saidtheColonel,inwardlyrelieved,butexternallycareless."And
ermayIaskthenatureofthecase?"
"Well!it'sabreacho'promisesuit,"saidthevisitor,calmly.
IftheColonelhadbeensurprisedbefore,hewasnowreallystartled,andwithanaddedhorrorthat
requiredallhispolitenesstoconceal.Breachofpromisecaseswerehispeculiaraversion.Hehad
alwaysheldthemtobeakindoflitigationwhichcouldhavebeenobviatedbythepromptkillingof
themasculineoffenderinwhichcasehewouldhavegladlydefendedthekiller.Butasuitfor
damages!damages!withthereadingoflovelettersbeforeahilariousjuryandcourt,wasagainst
allhisinstincts.Hischivalrywasoutragedhissenseofhumorwassmallandinthecourseofhis
careerhehadlostoneortwoimportantcasesthroughanunexpecteddevelopmentofthisqualityina
jury.
Thewomanhadevidentlynoticedhishesitation,butmistookitscause.
"Itain'tmebutmydarter."
TheColonelrecoveredhispoliteness."Ah!Iamrelieved,mydearmadam!Icouldhardlyconceivea
manignorantenoughtoererthrowawaysuchevidentgoodfortuneorbaseenoughtodeceive
thetrustfulnessofwomanhoodmaturedandexperiencedonlyinthechivalryofoursex,ha!"
Thewomansmiledgrimly."Yes!it'smydarter,ZaideeHookersoyemightsparesomeofthem
prettyspeechesforherbeforethejury."
TheColonelwincedslightlybeforethisdoubtfulprospect,butsmiled."Ha!Yes!certainlythe
jury.Butermydearlady,needwegoasfarasthat?Cannotthisaffairbesettlederoutof
court?Couldnotthiserindividualbeadmonishedtoldthathemustgivesatisfaction
personalsatisfactionforhisdastardlyconducttoernearrelativeorevenvaluedpersonal
friend?TheerarrangementsnecessaryforthatpurposeImyselfwouldundertake."
Hewasquitesincereindeed,hissmallblackeyesshonewiththatfirewhichaprettywomanoran
"affairofhonor"couldalonekindle.Thevisitorstaredvacantlyathim,andsaid,slowly:
"Andwhatgoodisthatgoin'todous?"
"Compelhimtoerperformhispromise,"saidtheColonel,leaningbackinhischair.
"Ketchhimdoin'it!"saidthewoman,scornfully."Nothatain'twotwe'reafter.Wemustmakehim
pay!Damagesandnothin'shorto'that."
TheColonelbithislip."Isuppose,"hesaid,gloomily,"youhavedocumentaryevidencewritten
promisesandprotestationsererloveletters,infact?"
106/170
2015.04.11.
"Nonaryaletter!Yesee,that'sjestitandthat'swhereyoucomein.You'vegottoconvincethat
juryyourself.You'vegottoshowwhatitistellthewholestoryyourownway.Lord!toamanlike
youthat'snothin'."
Startlingasthisadmissionmighthavebeentoanyotherlawyer,Starbottlewasabsolutelyrelievedby
it.Theabsenceofanymirthprovokingcorrespondence,andtheappealsolelytohisownpowersof
persuasion,actuallystruckhisfancy.Helightlyputasidethecomplimentwithawaveofhiswhite
hand.
"Ofcourse,"saidtheColonel,confidently,"thereisstronglypresumptiveandcorroborativeevidence?
Perhapsyoucangivemeerabriefoutlineoftheaffair?"
"Zaideekindothatstraightenough,Ireckon,"saidthewoman"what
Iwanttoknowfirstis,kinyoutakethecase?"
TheColoneldidnothesitatehiscuriositywaspiqued."Icertainlycan.Ihavenodoubtyourdaughter
willputmeinpossessionofsufficientfactsanddetailstoconstitutewhatwecallerabrief."
"Shekinbebriefenoughorlongenoughforthematterofthat,"saidthewoman,rising.The
Colonelacceptedthisimpliedwitticismwithasmile.
"AndwhenmayIhavethepleasureofseeingher?"heasked,politely.
"Well,IreckonassoonasIcantrotoutandcallher.She'sjustoutside,meanderin'intheroad
kindershy,yeknow,atfirst."
Shewalkedtothedoor.TheastoundedColonelneverthelessgallantlyaccompaniedherasshestepped
outintothestreetandcalled,shrilly,"YouZaidee!"
Ayounggirlhereapparentlydetachedherselffromatreeandtheostentatiousperusalofanold
electionposter,andsauntereddowntowardstheofficedoor.Likehermother,shewasplainlydressed
unlikeher,shehadapale,ratherrefinedface,withademuremouthanddowncasteyes.Thiswasall
theColonelsawashebowedprofoundlyandledthewayintohisoffice,forsheacceptedhis
salutationswithoutliftingherhead.Hehelpedhergallantlytoachair,onwhichsheseatedherself
sideways,somewhatceremoniously,withhereyesfollowingthepointofherparasolasshetraceda
patternonthecarpet.Asecondchairofferedtothemotherthatlady,however,declined."Ireckonto
leaveyouandZaideetogethertotalkitout,"shesaidturningtoherdaughter,sheadded,"Jestyou
tellhimall,Zaidee,"andbeforetheColonelcouldriseagain,disappearedfromtheroom.Inspiteof
hisprofessionalexperience,Starbottlewasforamomentembarrassed.Theyounggirl,however,
brokethesilencewithoutlookingup.
"AdoniramK.Hotchkiss,"shebegan,inamonotonousvoice,asifitwerearecitationaddressedtothe
public,"firstbegantotakenoticeofmeayearago.Arterthatoffandon"
"Onemoment,"interruptedtheastoundedColonel"doyoumeanHotchkissthePresidentoftheDitch
Company?"Hehadrecognizedthenameofaprominentcitizenarigidascetic,taciturn,middleaged
manadeaconandmorethanthat,theheadofthecompanyhehadjustdefended.Itseemed
inconceivable.
"That'shim,"shecontinued,witheyesstillfixedontheparasolandwithoutchanginghermonotonous
tone"offandoneversince.MostofthetimeattheFreeWillBaptistchurchatmorningservice,
prayermeetings,andsuch.Andathomeoutsideerintheroad."
"IsitthisgentlemanMr.AdoniramK.Hotchkisswhoerpromisedmarriage?"stammeredthe
Colonel.
107/170
2015.04.11.
"Yes."
TheColonelshifteduneasilyinhischair."Mostextraordinary!foryouseemydearyounglady
thisbecomesaermostdelicateaffair."
"That'swhatmawsaid,"returnedtheyoungwoman,simply,yetwiththefaintestsmileplayingaround
herdemurelipsanddowncastcheek.
"Imean,"saidtheColonel,withapainedyetcourteoussmile,"thatthisergentlemanisinfact
eroneofmyclients."
"That'swhatmawsaid,too,andofcourseyourknowinghimwillmakeitalltheeasierforyou,"said
theyoungwoman.
AslightflushcrossedtheColonel'scheekashereturnedquicklyandalittlestiffly,"Onthecontrary
eritmaymakeitimpossibleformetoeractinthismatter."
Thegirlliftedhereyes.TheColonelheldhisbreathasthelonglasheswereraisedtohislevel.Evento
anordinaryobserverthatsuddenrevelationofhereyesseemedtotransformherfacewithsubtle
witchery.Theywerelarge,brown,andsoft,yetfilledwithanextraordinarypenetrationand
prescience.Theyweretheeyesofanexperiencedwomanofthirtyfixedinthefaceofachild.What
elsetheColonelsawthereHeavenonlyknows!Hefelthisinmostsecretspluckedfromhimhis
wholesoullaidbarehisvanity,belligerency,gallantryevenhismedievalchivalry,penetrated,and
yetilluminated,inthatsingleglance.Andwhentheeyelidsfellagain,hefeltthatagreaterpartof
himselfhadbeenswallowedupinthem.
"Ibegyourpardon,"hesaid,hurriedly."Imeanthismattermaybearrangederamicably.My
interestwithandasyouwiselysaymyerknowledgeofmyclienterMr.Hotchkissmay
affectacompromise."
"Anddamages,"saidtheyounggirl,readdressingherparasol,asifshehadneverlookedup.
TheColonelwinced."Anderundoubtedlycompensationifyoudonotpressafulfilmentofthe
promise.Unless,"hesaid,withanattemptedreturntohisformereasygallantry,which,however,the
recollectionofhereyesmadedifficult,"itisaquestionofertheaffections?"
"Which?"saidhisfairclient,softly.
"Ifyoustilllovehim?"explainedtheColonel,actuallyblushing.
ZaideeagainlookedupagaintakingtheColonel'sbreathawaywitheyesthatexpressednotonlythe
fullestperceptionofwhathehadsaid,butofwhathethoughtandhadnotsaid,andwithanadded
subtlesuggestionofwhathemighthavethought."That'stellin',"shesaid,droppingherlonglashes
again.TheColonellaughedvacantly.Thenfeelinghimselfgrowingimbecile,heforcedanequally
weakgravity."PardonmeIunderstandtherearenolettersmayIknowthewayinwhichhe
formulatedhisdeclarationandpromises?"
"Hymnbooks,"saidthegirl,briefly.
"Ibegyourpardon,"saidthemystifiedlawyer.
"Hymnbooksmarkedwordsinthemwithpencilandpassed'emontome,"repeatedZaidee.
"Like'love,''dear,''precious,''sweet,'and'blessed,'"sheadded,accentingeachwordwithapushof
herparasolonthecarpet."SometimesawholelineouterTateandBradyandSolomon'sSong,you
know,andsich."
108/170
2015.04.11.
"Ibelieve,"saidtheColonel,loftily,"thattheerphrasesofsacredpsalmodylendthemselvesto
thelanguageoftheaffections.Butinregardtothedistinctpromiseofmarriagewasthereerno
otherexpression?"
"MarriageServiceintheprayerbooklinesandwordsouterthatallmarked,"saidZaidee.The
Colonelnoddednaturallyandapprovingly."Verygood.Wereotherscognizantofthis?Werethere
anywitnesses?"
"Ofcoursenot,"saidthegirl."Onlymeandhim.Itwasgenerallyatchurchtimeorprayermeeting.
Once,inpassingtheplate,heslippedoneo'thempeppermintlozengeswiththelettersstampedonit'I
loveyou'formetotake."
TheColonelcoughedslightly."Andyouhavethelozenge?"
"Iateit,"saidthegirl,simply.
"Ah,"saidtheColonel.Afterapauseheadded,delicately:
"Butweretheseattentionserconfinedtoersacredprecincts?
Didhemeetyouelsewhere?"
"Useterpassourhouseontheroad,"returnedthegirl,droppingintohermonotonousrecital,"and
usetersignal."
"Ah,signal?"repeatedtheColonel,approvingly.
"Yes!He'dsay'Kerrow,'andI'dsay'Kerree.'Suthinglikeabird,youknow."
Indeed,assheliftedhervoiceinimitationofthecalltheColonelthoughtitcertainlyverysweetand
birdlike.Atleastasshegaveit.Withhisremembranceofthegrimdeaconhehaddoubtsastothe
melodiousnessofhisutterance.Hegravelymadeherrepeatit.
"Andafterthatsignal?"headded,suggestively.
"He'dpasson,"saidthegirl.
TheColonelcoughedslightly,andtappedhisdeskwithhispenholder.
"Werethereanyendearmentsercaressesersuchastakingyourhanderclaspingyour
waist?"hesuggested,withagallantyetrespectfulsweepofhiswhitehandandbowingofhishead
"erslightpressureofyourfingersinthechangesofadanceImean,"hecorrectedhimself,with
anapologeticcough"inthepassingoftheplate?"
"Nohewasnotwhatyou'dcall'fond,'"returnedthegirl.
"Ah!AdoniramK.Hotchkisswasnot'fond'intheordinaryacceptanceoftheword,"saidtheColonel,
withprofessionalgravity.
Sheliftedherdisturbingeyes,andagainabsorbedhisinherown.Shealsosaid"Yes,"althoughher
eyesintheirmysteriousprescienceofallhewasthinkingdisclaimedthenecessityofanyanswerat
all.Hesmiledvacantly.Therewasalongpause.Onwhichsheslowlydisengagedherparasolfrom
thecarpetpatternandstoodup.
"Ireckonthat'saboutall,"shesaid.
"Eryesbutonemoment,"saidtheColonel,vaguely.Hewouldhavelikedtokeepherlonger,but
withherstrangepremonitionofhimhefeltpowerlesstodetainher,orexplainhisreasonfordoingso.
109/170
2015.04.11.
Heinstinctivelyknewshehadtoldhimallhisprofessionaljudgmenttoldhimthatamorehopeless
casehadnevercometohisknowledge.Yethewasnotdaunted,onlyembarrassed."Nomatter,"he
said,vaguely."OfcourseIshallhavetoconsultwithyouagain."Hereyesagainansweredthatshe
expectedhewould,butsheadded,simply,"When?"
"Inthecourseofadayortwo,"saidtheColonel,quickly."Iwillsendyouword."Sheturnedtogo.In
hiseagernesstoopenthedoorforherheupsethischair,andwithsomeconfusion,thatwasactually
youthful,healmostimpededhermovementsinthehall,andknockedhisbroadbrimmedPanamahat
fromhisbowinghandinafinalgallantsweep.Yetashersmall,trim,youthfulfigure,withitssimple
Leghornstrawhatconfinedbyabluebowunderherroundchin,passedawaybeforehim,shelooked
morelikeachildthanever.
TheColonelspentthatafternooninmakingdiplomaticinquiries.Hefoundhisyouthfulclientwasthe
daughterofawidowwhohadasmallranchonthecrossroads,nearthenewFreeWillBaptistchurch
theevidenttheatreofthispastoral.Theyledasecludedlifethegirlbeinglittleknowninthetown,
andherbeautyandfascinationapparentlynotyetbeingarecognizedfact.TheColonelfelta
pleasurablereliefatthis,andageneralsatisfactionhecouldnotaccountfor.Hisfewinquiries
concerningMr.Hotchkissonlyconfirmedhisownimpressionsoftheallegedloveraserious
minded,practicallyabstractedmanabstentiveofyouthfulsociety,andthelastmanapparently
capableoflevityoftheaffectionsorseriousflirtation.TheColonelwasmystifiedbutdeterminedof
purposewhateverthatpurposemighthavebeen.
Thenextdayhewasathisofficeatthesamehour.HewasaloneasusualtheColonel'soffice
reallybeinghisprivatelodgings,disposedinconnectingrooms,asingleapartmentreservedfor
consultation.Hehadnoclerkhispapersandbriefsbeingtakenbyhisfaithfulbodyservantandex
slave"Jim"toanotherfirmwhodidhisofficeworksincethedeathofMajorStrykertheColonel's
onlylawpartner,whofellinaduelsomeyearsprevious.WithafineconstancytheColonelstill
retainedhispartner'snameonhisdoorplateand,itwasallegedbythesuperstitious,keptacertain
invincibilityalsothroughthemanesofthatlamentedandsomewhatfearedman.
TheColonelconsultedhiswatch,whoseheavygoldcasestillshowedthemarksofaprovidential
interferencewithabulletdestinedforitsowner,andreplaceditwithsomedifficultyandshortnessof
breathinhisfob.Atthesamemomentheheardastepinthepassage,andthedooropenedto
AdoniramK.Hotchkiss.TheColonelwasimpressedhehadaduellist'srespectforpunctuality.
Themanenteredwithanodandtheexpectant,inquiringlookofabusyman.Ashisfeetcrossedthat
sacredthresholdtheColonelbecameallcourtesyheplacedachairforhisvisitor,andtookhishat
fromhishalfreluctanthand.Hethenopenedacupboardandbroughtoutabottleofwhiskeyandtwo
glasses.
"Aerslightrefreshment,Mr.Hotchkiss,"hesuggested,politely."Ineverdrink,"replied
Hotchkiss,withthesevereattitudeofatotalabstainer."Ahernotthefinestbourbonwhiskey,
selectedbyaKentuckyfriend?No?Pardonme!Acigar,thenthemildestHavana."
"Idonotusetobacconoralcoholinanyform,"repeatedHotchkiss,ascetically."Ihavenofoolish
weaknesses."
TheColonel'smoist,beadyeyessweptsilentlyoverhisclient'ssallowface.Heleanedback
comfortablyinhischair,andhalfclosinghiseyesasindreamyreminiscence,said,slowly:"Your
reply,Mr.Hotchkiss,remindsmeofersing'larcircumstancesthateroccurred,inpointoffact
attheSt.CharlesHotel,NewOrleans.PinkeyHornblowerpersonalfriendinvitedSenator
Doolittletojoinhiminsocialglass.Received,sing'larlyenough,replysimilartoyours.'Don'tdrink
norsmoke?'saidPinkey.'Gad,sir,youmustbemightysweetontheladies.'Ha!"TheColonelpaused
longenoughtoallowthefaintflushtopassfromHotchkiss'scheek,andwenton,halfclosinghis
eyes:"'Iallownoman,sir,todiscussmypersonalhabits,'saidDoolittle,overhisshirtcollar.'ThenI
110/170
2015.04.11.
reckonshootin'mustbeoneofthosehabits,'saidPinkey,coolly.BothmendroveoutontheShell
Roadbackofcemeterynextmorning.PinkeyputbulletattwelvepacesthroughDoolittle'stemple.
PoorDooneverspokeagain.Leftthreewivesandsevenchildren,theysaytwoof'emblack."
"Igotanotefromyouthismorning,"saidHotchkiss,withbadlyconcealedimpatience."Isupposein
referencetoourcase.Youhavetakenjudgment,Ibelieve."TheColonel,withoutreplying,slowly
filledaglassofwhiskeyandwater.Foramomenthehelditdreamilybeforehim,asifstillengagedin
gentlereminiscencescalledupbytheact.Thentossingitoff,hewipedhislipswithalargewhite
handkerchief,andleaningbackcomfortablyinhischair,said,withawaveofhishand,"Theinterview
Irequested,Mr.Hotchkiss,concernsasubjectwhichImaysayisereratpresentnotofa
publicorbusinessnaturealthoughlateritmightbecomeererboth.Itisanaffairofsomeer
delicacy."
TheColonelpaused,andMr.Hotchkissregardedhimwithincreasedimpatience.TheColonel,
however,continued,withunchangeddeliberation:"Itconcernserayoungladyabeautiful,high
souledcreature,sir,who,apartfromherpersonallovelinessererImaysayisofoneofthefirst
familiesofMissouri,andernotremotelyconnectedbymarriagewithoneoferermy
boyhood'sdearestfriends.Thelatter,Igrievetosay,wasapureinventionoftheColonel'san
oratoricaladditiontothescantyinformationhehadobtainedthepreviousday.Theyounglady,"he
continued,blandly,"enjoysthefurtherdistinctionofbeingtheobjectofsuchattentionfromyouas
wouldmakethisinterviewreallyaconfidentialmatterereramongfriendsanderer
relationsinpresentandfuture.IneednotsaythattheladyIrefertoisMissZaideeJunoHooker,only
daughterofAlmiraAnnHooker,relictofJeffersonBrownHooker,formerlyofBooneCounty,
Kentucky,andlatterlyoferPikeCounty,Missouri."
Thesallow,ascetichueofMr.Hotchkiss'sfacehadpassedthroughalividandthenagreenishshade,
andfinallysettledintoasullenred."What'sallthisabout?"hedemanded,roughly.Theleasttouchof
belligerentfirecameintoStarbottle'seye,buthisblandcourtesydidnotchange."Ibelieve,"hesaid,
politely,"Ihavemademyselfclearasbetweenergentlemen,thoughperhapsnotasclearasI
shouldtoererjury."
Mr.Hotchkisswasapparentlystruckwithsomesignificanceinthelawyer'sreply."Idon'tknow,"he
said,inalowerandmorecautiousvoice,"whatyoumeanbywhatyoucall'myattentions'toany
oneorhowitconcernsyou.Ihavenotexhaustedhalfadozenwordswiththepersonyouname
haveneverwrittenheralinenorevencalledatherhouse."Herosewithanassumptionofease,
pulleddownhiswaistcoat,buttonedhiscoat,andtookuphishat.TheColoneldidnotmove."I
believeIhavealreadyindicatedmymeaninginwhatIhavecalled'yourattentions,'"saidtheColonel,
blandly,"andgivenyoumy'concern'forspeakingaserermutualfriend.Astoyourstatementof
yourrelationswithMissHooker,Imaystatethatitisfullycorroboratedbythestatementoftheyoung
ladyherselfinthisveryofficeyesterday."
"Thenwhatdoesthisimpertinentnonsensemean?WhyamIsummonedhere?"saidHotchkiss,
furiously.
"Because,"saidtheColonel,deliberately,"thatstatementisinfamouslyyes,damnablytoyour
discredit,sir!"
Mr.Hotchkisswashereseizedbyoneofthoseimportantandinconsistentrageswhichoccasionally
betraythehabituallycautiousandtimidman.HecaughtuptheColonel'sstick,whichwaslyingonthe
table.AtthesamemomenttheColonel,withoutanyapparenteffort,graspeditbythehandle.ToMr.
Hotchkiss'sastonishment,thestickseparatedintwopieces,leavingthehandleandabouttwofeetof
narrowglitteringsteelintheColonel'shand.Themanrecoiled,droppingtheuselessfragment.The
Colonelpickeditup,fittingtheshiningbladeinit,clickedthespring,andthenrising,withafaceof
courtesyyetofunmistakablygenuinepain,andwithevenaslighttremorinhisvoice,said,gravely:
111/170
2015.04.11.
"Mr.Hotchkiss,Ioweyouathousandapologies,sir,thateraweaponshouldbedrawnbyme
eventhroughyourowninadvertenceunderthesacredprotectionofmyroof,anduponanunarmed
man.Ibegyourpardon,sir,andIevenwithdrawtheexpressionswhichprovokedthatinadvertence.
Nordoesthisapologypreventyoufromholdingmeresponsiblepersonallyresponsibleelsewhere
foranindiscretioncommittedinbehalfofaladymyerclient."
"Yourclient?Doyoumeanyouhavetakenhercase?You,thecounselfortheDitchCompany?"said
Mr.Hotchkiss,intremblingindignation.
"Havingwonyourcase,sir,"saidtheColonel,coolly,"theerusagesofadvocacydonotprevent
mefromespousingthecauseoftheweakandunprotected."
"Weshallsee,sir,"saidHotchkiss,graspingthehandleofthedoorandbackingintothepassage.
"Thereareotherlawyerswho"
"Permitmetoseeyouout,"interruptedtheColonel,risingpolitely.
"willbereadytoresisttheattacksofblackmail,"continuedHotchkiss,retreatingalongthepassage.
"Andthenyouwillbeabletorepeatyourremarkstomeinthestreet,"continuedtheColonel,bowing,
ashepersistedinfollowinghisvisitortothedoor.
ButhereMr.Hotchkissquicklyslammeditbehindhim,andhurriedaway.TheColonelreturnedtohis
office,andsittingdown,tookasheetofletterpaperbearingtheinscription"StarbottleandStryker,
AttorneysandCounsellors,"andwrotethefollowinglines:
HookerversusHotchkiss.
DEARMADAM,Havinghadavisitfromthedefendantin
above,weshouldbepleasedtohaveaninterviewwithyouat
2p.m.tomorrow.Yourobedientservants,
STARBOTTLEANDSTRYKER.
ThishesealedanddespatchedbyhistrustedservantJim,andthendevotedafewmomentsto
reflection.ItwasthecustomoftheColoneltoactfirst,andjustifytheactionbyreasonafterwards.
HeknewthatHotchkisswouldatoncelaythematterbeforerivalcounsel.Heknewthattheywould
advisehimthatMissHookerhad"nocase"thatshewouldbenonsuitedonherownevidence,and
heoughtnottocompromise,butbereadytostandtrial.Hebelieved,however,thatHotchkissfeared
thatexposure,andalthoughhisowninstinctshadbeenatfirstagainstthatremedy,hewasnow
instinctivelyinfavorofit.Herememberedhisownpowerwithajuryhisvanityandhischivalry
alikeapprovedofthisheroicmethodhewasboundbytheprosaicfactshehadhisowntheoryof
thecase,whichnomereevidencecouldgainsay.Infact,Mrs.Hooker'sownwordsthat"hewastotell
thestoryinhisownway"actuallyappearedtohimaninspirationandaprophecy.
Perhapstherewassomethingelse,duepossiblytothelady'swonderfuleyes,ofwhichhehadthought
much.Yetitwasnothersimplicitythataffectedhimsolelyonthecontrary,itwasherapparent
intelligentreadingofthecharacterofherrecreantloverandofhisown!OfalltheColonel's
previous"light"or"serious"lovesnonehadeverbeforeflatteredhiminthatway.Anditwasthis,
combinedwiththerespectwhichhehadheldfortheirprofessionalrelations,thatprecludedhishaving
amorefamiliarknowledgeofhisclient,throughseriousquestioning,orplayfulgallantry.Iamnot
sureitwasnotpartofthecharmtohavearusticfemmeincompriseasaclient.
Nothingcouldexceedtherespectwithwhichhegreetedherassheenteredhisofficethenextday.He
evenaffectednottonoticethatshehadputonherbestclothes,andhemadenodoubtappearedas
112/170
2015.04.11.
whenshehadfirstattractedthematureyetfaithlessattentionsofDeaconHotchkissatchurch.Awhite
virginalmuslinwasbeltedaroundherslimfigurebyablueribbon,andherLeghornhatwasdrawn
aroundherovalcheekbyabowofthesamecolor.ShehadaSoutherngirl'snarrowfeet,encasedin
whitestockingsandkidslippers,whichwerecrossedprimlybeforeherasshesatinachair,
supportingherarmbyherfaithfulparasolplantedfirmlyonthefloor.Afaintodorofsouthernwood
exhaledfromher,and,oddlyenough,stirredtheColonelwithafaroffrecollectionofapineshaded
SundayschoolonaGeorgiahillsideandofhisfirstlove,agedten,inashort,starchedfrock.Possibly
itwasthesamerecollectionthatrevivedsomethingoftheawkwardnesshehadfeltthen.
He,however,smiledvaguelyand,sittingdown,coughedslightly,andplacedhisfingertipstogether.
"IhavehadanerinterviewwithMr.Hotchkiss,butIerregrettosaythereseemstobeno
prospectofercompromise."Hepaused,andtohissurpriseherlistless"company"facelitupwith
anadorablesmile."Ofcourse!ketchhim!"shesaid."Washemadwhenyoutoldhim?"Sheputher
kneescomfortablytogetherandleanedforwardforareply.
Forallthat,wildhorsescouldnothavetornfromtheColonelawordaboutHotchkiss'sanger."He
expressedhisintentionofemployingcounselanddefendingasuit,"returnedtheColonel,affably
baskinginhersmile.Shedraggedherchairnearerhisdesk."Thenyou'llfighthimtoothandnail?"
shesaideagerly"you'llshowhimup?You'lltellthewholestoryyourownway?You'llgivehimfits?
andyou'llmakehimpay?Sure?"shewenton,breathlessly.
"Ierwill,"saidtheColonel,almostasbreathlessly.
Shecaughthisfatwhitehand,whichwaslyingonthetable,betweenherownandliftedittoherlips.
Hefelthersoftyoungfingerseventhroughthelislethreadglovesthatencasedthemandthewarm
moistureofherlipsuponhisskin.Hefelthimselfflushingbutwasunabletobreakthesilenceor
changehisposition.Thenextmomentshehadscuttledbackwithherchairtoheroldposition.
"Iercertainlyshalldomybest,"stammeredtheColonel,inanattempttorecoverhisdignityand
composure.
"That'senough!You'lldoit,"saidthegirl,enthusiastically."Lordy!Justyoutalkformeasyedidfor
hisoldDitchCompany,andyou'llfetchiteverytime!Why,whenyoumadethatjurysitupthe
otherdaywhenyougotthatoffabouttheMerrikanflagwavingequallyovertherightsofhonest
citizensbandedtogetherinpeacefulcommercialpursuits,aswellasoverthefortressofofficial
proflig"
"Oligarchy,"murmuredtheColonel,courteously.
"Oligarchy,"repeatedthegirl,quickly,"mybreathwasjusttookaway.Isaidtomaw,'Ain'thetoo
sweetforanything!'Idid,honestInjin!Andwhenyourolleditalloffattheendnevermissinga
word(youdidn'tneedtomark'eminalessonbook,buthad'emallreadyonyourtongue),and
walkedoutWell!Ididn'tknowyounortheDitchCompanyfromAdam,butIcouldhavejustrun
overandkissedyoutherebeforethewholecourt!"
Shelaughed,withherfaceglowing,althoughherstrangeeyeswerecastdown.Alack!theColonel's
facewasequallyflushed,andhisownbeadyeyeswereonhisdesk.Toanyotherwomanhewould
havevoicedthebanalgallantrythatheshouldnow,himself,lookforwardtothatreward,butthe
wordsneverreachedhislips.Helaughed,coughedslightly,andwhenhelookedupagainshehad
fallenintothesameattitudeasonherfirstvisit,withherparasolpointonthefloor.
"Imustaskyoutoerdirectyourmemorytoeranotherpointthebreakingoffoftheerer
erengagement.Didheergiveanyreasonforit?Orshowanycause?"
"Noheneversaidanything,"returnedthegirl.
113/170
2015.04.11.
"Notinhisusualway?ernoreproachesoutofthehymnbook?orthesacredwritings?"
"Nohejustquit."
"Erceasedhisattentions,"saidtheColonel,gravely."Andnaturallyyouerwerenotconscious
ofanycauseforhisdoingso."Thegirlraisedherwonderfuleyessosuddenlyandsopenetratingly
withoutreplyinanyotherwaythattheColonelcouldonlyhurriedlysay:"Isee!None,ofcourse!"
Atwhichsherose,theColonelrisingalso."Weshallbeginproceedingsatonce.Imust,however,
cautionyoutoanswernoquestionsnorsayanythingaboutthiscasetoanyoneuntilyouareincourt."
Sheansweredhisrequestwithanotherintelligentlookandanod.Heaccompaniedhertothedoor.As
hetookherprofferedhandheraisedthelislethreadfingerstohislipswitholdfashionedgallantry.
Asifthatacthadcondonedforhisfirstomissionsandawkwardness,hebecamehisoldfashionedself
again,buttonedhiscoat,pulledouthisshirtfrill,andstruttedbacktohisdesk.
AdayortwolateritwasknownthroughoutthetownthatZaideeHookerhadsuedAdoniram
Hotchkissforbreachofpromise,andthatthedamageswerelaidatfivethousanddollars.Asinthose
bucolicdaystheWesternpresswasunderthesecurecensorshipofarevolver,acautioustoneof
criticismprevailed,andanygossipwasconfinedtopersonalexpression,andeventhenattheriskof
thegossiper.Nevertheless,thesituationprovokedtheintensestcuriosity.TheColonelwasapproached
untilhisstatementthatheshouldconsideranyattempttoovercomehisprofessionalsecrecya
personalreflectionwithheldfurtheradvances.Thecommunitywerelefttothemoreostentatious
informationofthedefendant'scounsel,Messrs.KitchamandBilser,thatthecasewas"ridiculous"and
"rotten,"thattheplaintiffwouldbenonsuited,andthefireeatingStarbottlewouldbetaughtalesson
thathecouldnot"bully"thelawandthereweresomedarkhintsofaconspiracy.Itwasevenhinted
thatthe"case"wastherevengefulandpreposterousoutcomeoftherefusalofHotchkisstopay
StarbottleanextravagantfeeforhislateservicestotheDitchCompany.Itisunnecessarytosaythat
thesewordswerenotreportedtotheColonel.Itwas,however,anunfortunatecircumstanceforthe
calmer,ethicalconsiderationofthesubjectthatthechurchsidedwithHotchkiss,asthisprovokedan
equaladherencetotheplaintiffandStarbottleonthepartofthelargerbodyofnonchurchgoers,who
weredelightedatapossibleexposureoftheweaknessofreligiousrectitude."I'veallushadmy
suspicionso'themearlycandlelightmeetingsdownatthatgospelshop,"saidonecritic,"andI
reckonDeaconHotchkissdidn'tropeinthegalstoattendjestforpsalmsinging.""Thenforhimtoget
upandleavetheboardaforethegame'sfinishedandtrytosneakoutofit,"saidanother."Isuppose
that'swhattheycallreligious."
Itwasthereforenotremarkablethatthecourthousethreeweekslaterwascrowdedwithanexcited
multitudeofthecuriousandsympathizing.Thefairplaintiff,withhermother,wasearlyin
attendance,andundertheColonel'sadviceappearedinthesamemodestgarbinwhichshehadfirst
visitedhisoffice.Thisandherdowncastmodestdemeanorwereperhapsatfirstdisappointingtothe
crowd,whohadevidentlyexpectedaparagonoflovelinessastheCirceofthegrimascetic
defendant,whosatbesidehiscounsel.ButpresentlyalleyeswerefixedontheColonel,whocertainly
madeupinhisappearanceanydeficiencyofhisfairclient.Hisportlyfigurewasclothedinablue
dresscoatwithbrassbuttons,abuffwaistcoatwhichpermittedhisfrilledshirtfronttobecome
erectileaboveit,ablacksatinstockwhichconfinedaboyishturneddowncollararoundhisfullneck,
andimmaculatedrilltrousers,strappedovervarnishedboots.Amurmurranroundthecourt."Old
'PersonallyResponsible'hadgothiswarpainton,""TheOldWarHorseissmellingpowder,"were
whisperedcomments.Yetforallthatthemostirreverentamongthemrecognizedvaguely,inthis
bizarrefigure,somethingofanhonoredpastintheircountry'shistory,andpossiblyfeltthespellof
olddeedsandoldnamesthathadoncethrilledtheirboyishpulses.ThenewDistrictJudgereturned
ColonelStarbottle'sprofoundlypunctiliousbow.TheColonelwasfollowedbyhisnegroservant,
carryingaparcelofhymnbooksandBibles,who,withacourtesyevidentlyimitatedfromhismaster,
placedonebeforetheoppositecounsel.This,afterafirstcuriousglance,thelawyersomewhat
superciliouslytossedaside.ButwhenJim,proceedingtothejurybox,placedwithequalpoliteness
114/170
2015.04.11.
theremainingcopiesbeforethejury,theoppositecounselsprangtohisfeet.
"IwanttodirecttheattentionoftheCourttothisunprecedentedtamperingwiththejury,bythis
gratuitousexhibitionofmatterimpertinentandirrelevanttotheissue."
TheJudgecastaninquiringlookatColonelStarbottle.
"MayitpleasetheCourt,"returnedColonelStarbottlewithdignity,ignoringthecounsel,"the
defendant'scounselwillobservethatheisalreadyfurnishedwiththematterwhichIregrettosayhe
hastreatedinthepresenceoftheCourtandofhisclient,adeaconofthechurchwither
greatsuperciliousness.WhenIstatetoyourHonorthatthebooksinquestionarehymnbooksand
copiesoftheHolyScriptures,andthattheyarefortheinstructionofthejury,towhomIshallhaveto
refertheminthecourseofmyopening,IbelieveIamwithinmyrights."
"Theactiscertainlyunprecedented,"saidtheJudge,dryly,"butunlessthecounselfortheplaintiff
expectsthejurytosingfromthesehymnbooks,theirintroductionisnotimproper,andIcannotadmit
theobjection.Asdefendant'scounselarefurnishedwithcopiesalso,theycannotplead'surprise,'asin
theintroductionofnewmatter,andasplaintiff'scounselreliesevidentlyuponthejury'sattentionto
hisopening,hewouldnotbethefirstpersontodistractit."Afterapauseheadded,addressingthe
Colonel,whoremainedstanding,"TheCourtiswithyou,sirproceed."
ButtheColonelremainedmotionlessandstatuesque,withfoldedarms.
"Ihaveoverruledtheobjection,"repeatedtheJudge"youmaygoon."
"Iamwaiting,yourHonor,fortheerwithdrawalbythedefendant'scounseloftheword
'tampering,'asreferstomyself,andof'impertinent,'asreferstothesacredvolumes."
"Therequestisaproperone,andIhavenodoubtwillbeaccededto,"returnedtheJudge,quietly.The
defendant'scounselroseandmumbledafewwordsofapology,andtheincidentclosed.Therewas,
however,ageneralfeelingthattheColonelhadinsomeway"scored,"andifhisobjecthadbeento
excitethegreatestcuriosityaboutthebooks,hehadmadehispoint.
Butimpassiveofhisvictory,heinflatedhischest,withhisrighthandinthebreastofhisbuttoned
coat,andbegan.Hisusualhighcolorhadpaledslightly,butthesmallpupilsofhisprominenteyes
glitteredlikesteel.Theyounggirlleanedforwardinherchairwithanattentionsobreathless,a
sympathysoquick,andanadmirationsoartlessandunconsciousthatinaninstantshedividedwith
thespeakertheattentionofthewholeassemblage.Itwasveryhotthecourtwascrowdedto
suffocationeventheopenwindowsrevealedacrowdoffacesoutsidethebuilding,eagerlyfollowing
theColonel'swords.
Hewouldremindthejurythatonlyafewweeksagohestoodthereastheadvocateofapowerful
company,thenrepresentedbythepresentdefendant.Hespokethenasthechampionofstrictjustice
againstlegaloppressionnolessshouldhetodaychampionthecauseoftheunprotectedandthe
comparativelydefenselesssaveforthatparamountpowerwhichsurroundsbeautyandinnocence
eventhoughtheplaintiffofyesterdaywasthedefendantoftoday.Asheapproachedthecourta
momentagohehadraisedhiseyesandbeheldthestarryflagflyingfromitsdomeandheknewthat
gloriousbannerwasasymboloftheperfectequality,undertheConstitution,oftherichandthepoor,
thestrongandtheweakanequalitywhichmadethesimplecitizentakenfromtheploughinthe
veld,thepickinthegulch,orfrombehindthecounterintheminingtown,whoservedonthatjury,
theequalarbitersofjusticewiththathighestlegalluminarywhomtheywereproudtowelcomeonthe
benchtoday.TheColonelpaused,withastatelybowtotheimpassiveJudge.Itwasthis,he
continued,whichliftedhisheartasheapproachedthebuilding.Andyethehadentereditwithan
uncertainhemightalmostsayatimidstep.Andwhy?Heknew,gentlemen,hewasaboutto
confrontaprofoundaye!asacredresponsibility!Thosehymnbooksandholywritingshandedto
115/170
2015.04.11.
thejurywerenot,ashisHonorsurmised,forthepurposeofenablingthejurytoindulgeiner
preliminarychoralexercise!Hemight,indeed,say"alasnot!"Theywerethedamning,
incontrovertibleproofsoftheperfidyofthedefendant.Andtheywouldproveasterribleawarningto
himasthefatalcharactersuponBelshazzar'swall.Therewasastrongsensation.Hotchkissturneda
sallowgreen.Hislawyersassumedacarelesssmile.
Itwashisdutytotellthemthatthiswasnotoneofthoseordinary"breachofpromise"caseswhich
weretoooftentheoccasionofruthlessmirthandindecentlevityinthecourtroom.Thejurywould
findnothingofthathere,Therewerenoloveletterswiththeepithetsofendearment,northosemystic
crossesandcipherswhich,hehadbeencrediblyinformed,chastelyhidtheexchangeofthosemutual
caressesknownas"kisses."Therewasnocrueltearingoftheveilfromthosesacredprivaciesofthe
humanaffectiontherewasnoforensicshoutingoutofthosefondconfidencesmeantonlyforone.
Buttherewas,hewasshockedtosay,anewsacrilegiousintrusion.TheweakpipingsofCupidwere
mingledwiththechorusofthesaintsthesanctityofthetempleknownasthe"meetinghouse"was
desecratedbyproceedingsmoreinkeepingwiththeshrineofVenusandtheinspiredwritings
themselveswereusedasthemediumofamatoryandwantonflirtationbythedefendantinhissacred
capacityasDeacon.
TheColonelartisticallypausedafterthisthunderousdenunciation.Thejuryturnedeagerlytothe
leavesofthehymnbooks,butthelargergazeoftheaudienceremainedfixeduponthespeakerandthe
girl,whosatinraptadmirationofhisperiods.Afterthehush,theColonelcontinuedinalowerand
saddervoice:"Thereare,perhaps,fewofushere,gentlemenwiththeexceptionofthedefendant
whocanarrogatetothemselvesthetitleofregularchurchgoers,ortowhomthesehumblerfunctions
oftheprayermeeting,theSundayschool,andtheBibleclassarehabituallyfamiliar.Yet"more
solemnly"downinyourheartsisthedeepconvictionofourshortcomingsandfailings,anda
laudabledesirethatothersatleastshouldprofitbytheteachingsweneglect.Perhaps,"hecontinued,
closinghiseyesdreamily,"thereisnotamanherewhodoesnotrecallthehappydaysofhisboyhood,
therusticvillagespire,thelessonssharedwithsomeartlessvillagemaiden,withwhomhelater
sauntered,handinhand,throughthewoods,asthesimplerhymeroseupontheirlips,
Alwaysmakeitapointtohaveitarule
NevertobelateattheSabbathschool."
Hewouldrecallthestrawberryfeasts,thewelcomeannualpicnic,redolentwithhunksofgingerbread
andsarsaparilla.Howwouldtheyfeeltoknowthatthesesacredrecollectionswerenowforever
profanedintheirmemorybytheknowledgethatthedefendantwascapableofusingsuchoccasionsto
makelovetothelargergirlsandteachers,whilsthisartlesscompanionswereinnocentlytheCourt
willpardonmeforintroducingwhatIamcrediblyinformedisthelocalexpression'doing
gooseberry'?"Thetremulousflickerofasmilepassedoverthefacesofthelisteningcrowd,andthe
Colonelslightlywinced.Butherecoveredhimselfinstantly,andcontinued:
"Myclient,theonlydaughterofawidowedmotherwhohasforyearsstemmedthevaryingtidesof
adversityinthewesternprecinctsofthistownstandsbeforeyoutodayinvestedonlyinherown
innocence.Shewearsnoerrichgiftsofherfaithlessadmirerispanopliedinnojewels,rings,
normementoesofaffectionsuchasloversdelighttohangupontheshrineoftheiraffectionshersis
nottheglorywithwhichSolomondecoratedtheQueenofSheba,thoughthedefendant,asIshall
showlater,clothedherinthelessexpensiveflowersoftheking'spoetry.No!gentlemen!The
defendantexhibitedinthisaffairacertainfrugalityoferpecuniaryinvestment,whichIamwilling
toadmitmaybecommendableinhisclass.Hisonlygiftwascharacteristicalikeofhismethodsand
hiseconomy.Thereis,Iunderstand,acertainnotunimportantfeatureofreligiousexerciseknownas
'takingacollection.'Thedefendant,onthisoccasion,bythemutepresentationofatipplatecovered
withbaize,solicitedthepecuniarycontributionsofthefaithful.Onapproachingtheplaintiff,however,
hehimselfslippedalovetokenupontheplateandpushedittowardsher.Thatlovetokenwasa
lozengeasmalldisk,Ihavereasontobelieve,concoctedofpeppermintandsugar,bearinguponits
reversesurfacethesimplewords,'Iloveyou!'Ihavesinceascertainedthatthesedisksmaybebought
116/170
2015.04.11.
forfivecentsadozenoratconsiderablylessthanonehalfcentforthesinglelozenge.Yes,
gentlemen,thewords'Iloveyou!'theoldestlegendofalltherefrain,'whenthemorningstarssang
together'werepresentedtotheplaintiffbyamediumsoinsignificantthatthereis,happily,nocoin
intherepubliclowenoughtorepresentitsvalue.
"Ishallprovetoyou,gentlemenofthejury,"saidtheColonel,solemnly,drawingaBiblefromhis
coattailpocket,"thatthedefendant,forthelasttwelvemonths,conductedanamatorycorrespondence
withtheplaintiffbymeansofunderlinedwordsofsacredwritandchurchpsalmody,suchas
'beloved,''precious,'and'dearest,'occasionallyappropriatingwholepassageswhichseemedapposite
tohistenderpassion.Ishallcallyourattentiontooneofthem.Thedefendant,whileprofessingtobea
totalabstaineramanwho,inmyownknowledge,hasrefusedspirituousrefreshmentasan
inordinateweaknessoftheflesh,withshamelesshypocrisyunderscoreswithhispencilthefollowing
passageandpresentsittotheplaintiff.ThegentlemenofthejurywillfinditintheSongofSolomon,
page548,chapterII,verse5."Afterapause,inwhichtherapidrustlingofleaveswasheardinthe
jurybox,ColonelStarbottledeclaimedinapleading,stentorianvoice,"'Staymewitherflagons,
comfortmewitherapplesforIamersickoflove.'Yes,gentlemen!yes,youmaywellturn
fromthoseaccusingpagesandlookatthedoublefaceddefendant.Hedesirestoerbe'stayed
withflagons'!Iamnotaware,atpresent,whatkindofliquorishabituallydispensedatthesemeetings,
andforwhichthedefendantsourgentlyclamoredbutitwillbemydutybeforethistrialisoverto
discoverit,ifIhavetosummoneverybarkeeperinthisdistrict.Forthemoment,Iwillsimplycall
yourattentiontothequantity.Itisnotasingledrinkthatthedefendantasksfornotaglassoflight
andgenerouswine,tobesharedwithhisinamoratabutanumberofflagonsorvessels,each
possiblyholdingapintmeasureforhimself!"
Thesmileoftheaudiencehadbecomealaugh.TheJudgelookedupwarningly,whenhiseyecaught
thefactthattheColonelhadagainwincedatthismirth.Heregardedhimseriously.Mr.Hotchkiss's
counselhadjoinedinthelaughaffectedly,butHotchkisshimselfwasashypale.Therewasalsoa
commotioninthejurybox,ahurriedturningoverofleaves,andanexciteddiscussion.
"Thegentlemenofthejury,"saidtheJudge,withofficialgravity,"willpleasekeeporderandattend
onlytothespeechesofcounsel.Anydiscussionhereisirregularandprematureandmustbe
reservedforthejuryroomaftertheyhaveretired."
Theforemanofthejurystruggledtohisfeet.Hewasapowerfulman,withagoodhumoredface,and,
inspiteofhisunfelicitousnicknameof"TheBoneBreaker,"hadakindly,simple,butsomewhat
emotionalnature.Nevertheless,itappearedasifhewerelaboringundersomepowerfulindignation.
"Canweaskaquestion,Judge?"hesaid,respectfully,althoughhisvoicehadtheunmistakable
WesternAmericanringinit,asofonewhowasunconsciousthathecouldbeaddressinganybuthis
peers.
"Yes,"saidtheJudge,goodhumoredly.
"We'refindinginthisyerepiece,outofwhichtheKernelhesjustbinaquotin',somelanguagethat
meandmypardnersallowhadn'tortertobereadoutaforeayoungladyincourtandwewantto
knowofyouezafairmindedandimpartialmanefthisisthereg'larkindo'bookgiventogalsand
babiesdownatthemeetin'house."
"Thejurywillpleasefollowthecounsel'sspeech,withoutcomment,"saidtheJudge,briefly,fully
awarethatthedefendant'scounselwouldspringtohisfeet,ashedidpromptly."TheCourtwillallow
ustoexplaintothegentlementhatthelanguagetheyseemtoobjecttohasbeenacceptedbythebest
theologiansforthelastthousandyearsasbeingpurelymystic.AsIwillexplainlater,thosearemerely
symbolsoftheChurch"
"Ofwot?"interruptedtheforeman,indeepscorn.
117/170
2015.04.11.
"OftheChurch!"
"Weain'taskin'anyquestionso'youandweain'ttakin'anyanswers,"saidtheforeman,sittingdown
promptly.
"Imustinsist,"saidtheJudge,sternly,"thattheplaintiff'scounselbeallowedtocontinuehisopening
withoutinterruption.You"(todefendant'scounsel)"willhaveyouropportunitytoreplylater."
Thecounselsankdowninhisseatwiththebitterconvictionthatthejurywasmanifestlyagainsthim,
andthecaseasgoodaslost.Buthisfacewasscarcelyasdisturbedashisclient's,who,ingreat
agitation,hadbeguntoarguewithhimwildly,andwasapparentlypressingsomepointagainstthe
lawyer'svehementopposal.TheColonel'smurkyeyesbrightenedashestillstooderectwithhishand
thrustinhisbreast.
"Itwillbeputtoyou,gentlemen,whenthecounselontheothersiderefrainsfrommereinterruption
andconfineshimselftoreply,thatmyunfortunateclienthasnoactionnoremedyatlawbecause
therewerenospokenwordsofendearment.But,gentlemen,itwilldependuponyoutosaywhatare
andwhatarenotarticulateexpressionsoflove.Weallknowthatamongtheloweranimals,with
whomyoumaypossiblybecalledupontoclassifythedefendant,therearecertainsignalsmoreorless
harmonious,asthecasemaybe.Theassbrays,thehorseneighs,thesheepbleatsthefeathered
denizensofthegrovecalltotheirmatesinmoremusicalroundelays.Thesearerecognizedfacts,
gentlemen,whichyouyourselves,asdwellersamongnatureinthisbeautifulland,areallcognizantof.
Theyarefactsthatnoonewoulddenyandweshouldhaveapooropinionoftheasswho,ater
suchasuprememoment,wouldattempttosuggestthathiscallwasunthinkingandwithout
significance.But,gentlemen,Ishallprovetoyouthatsuchwasthefoolish,selfconvictingcustomof
thedefendant.Withthegreatestreluctance,andtheergreatestpain,Isucceededinwrestingfrom
themaidenlymodestyofmyfairclienttheinnocentconfessionthatthedefendanthadinducedherto
correspondwithhiminthesemethods.Picturetoyourself,gentlemen,thelonelymoonlightroad
besidethewidow'shumblecottage.Itisabeautifulnight,sanctifiedtotheaffections,andtheinnocent
girlisleaningfromhercasement.Presentlythereappearsupontheroadaslinking,stealthyfigure
thedefendant,onhiswaytochurch.Truetotheinstructionshehasreceivedfromhim,herlipspartin
themusicalutterance"(theColonelloweredhisvoiceinafaintfalsetto,presumablyinfondimitation
ofhisfairclient),"'Kerree!'Instantlythenightbecameresonantwiththeimpassionedreply"(the
Colonelhereliftedhisvoiceinstentoriantones),"'Kerrow.'Again,ashepasses,risesthesoft'Kerree'
again,ashisformislostinthedistance,comesbackthedeep'Kerrow.'"
Aburstoflaughter,long,loud,andirrepressible,struckthewholecourtroom,andbeforetheJudge
couldlifthishalfcomposedfaceandtakehishandkerchieffromhismouth,afaint"Kerree"from
someunrecognizedobscurityofthecourtroomwasfollowedbyaloud"Kerrow"fromsomeopposite
locality."Thesheriffwillclearthecourt,"saidtheJudge,sternlybutalas,astheembarrassedand
chokingofficialsrushedhitherandthither,asoft"Kerree"fromthespectatorsatthewindow,outside
thecourthouse,wasansweredbyaloudchorusof"Kerrows"fromtheoppositewindows,filledwith
onlookers.Againthelaughteraroseeverywhereeventhefairplaintiffherselfsatconvulsedbehind
herhandkerchief.
ThefigureofColonelStarbottlealoneremainederectwhiteandrigid.AndthentheJudge,looking
up,sawwhatnooneelseinthecourthadseenthattheColonelwassincereandinearnestthatwhat
hehadconceivedtobethepleader'smostperfectacting,andmostelaborateirony,werethedeep,
serious,mirthlessconvictionsofamanwithouttheleastsenseofhumor.Therewasatouchofthis
respectintheJudge'svoiceashesaidtohim,gently,"Youmayproceed,ColonelStarbottle."
"IthankyourHonor,"saidtheColonel,slowly,"forrecognizinganddoingallinyourpowerto
preventaninterruptionthat,duringmythirtyyears'experienceatthebar,Ihaveneveryetbeen
subjectedtowithouttheprivilegeofholdingtheinstigatorsthereofresponsiblepersonally
responsible.ItispossiblymyfaultthatIhavefailed,oratorically,toconveytothegentlemenofthe
118/170
2015.04.11.
jurythefullforceandsignificanceofthedefendant'ssignals.Iamawarethatmyvoiceissingularly
deficientinproducingeitherthedulcettonesofmyfairclientortheimpassionedvehemenceofthe
defendant'srepose.Iwill,"continuedtheColonel,withafatiguedbutblindfatuitythatignoredthe
hurriedlyknitbrowsandwarningeyesoftheJudge,"tryagain.Thenoteutteredbymyclient"
(loweringhisvoicetothefaintestoffalsettos)"was'Kerree'theresponsewas'Kerrow'"andthe
Colonel'svoicefairlyshookthedomeabovehim.
Anotheruproaroflaughterfollowedthisapparentlyaudaciousrepetition,butwasinterruptedbyan
unlookedforincident.Thedefendantroseabruptly,andtearinghimselfawayfromthewithholding
handandpleadingprotestationsofhiscounsel,absolutelyfledfromthecourtroom,hisappearance
outsidebeingrecognizedbyaprolonged"Kerrow"fromthebystanders,whichagainandagain
followedhiminthedistance.Inthemomentarysilencewhichfollowed,theColonel'svoicewasheard
saying,"Weresthere,yourHonor,"andhesatdown.Nolesswhite,butmoreagitated,wasthefaceof
thedefendant'scounsel,whoinstantlyrose.
"Forsomeunexplainedreason,yourHonor,myclientdesirestosuspendfurtherproceedings,witha
viewtoeffectapeaceablecompromisewiththeplaintiff.Asheisamanofwealthandposition,heis
ableandwillingtopayliberallyforthatprivilege.WhileI,ashiscounsel,amstillconvincedofhis
legalirresponsibility,ashehaschosen,however,topubliclyabandonhisrightshere,Icanonlyask
yourHonor'spermissiontosuspendfurtherproceedingsuntilIcanconferwithColonelStarbottle."
"AsfarasIcanfollowthepleadings,"saidtheJudge,gravely,"thecaseseemstobehardlyonefor
litigation,andIapproveofthedefendant'scourse,whileIstronglyurgetheplaintifftoacceptit."
ColonelStarbottlebentoverhisfairclient.Presentlyherose,unchangedinlookordemeanor."I
yield,yourHonor,tothewishesofmyclient,anderlady.Weaccept."
BeforethecourtadjournedthatdayitwasknownthroughoutthetownthatAdoniramK.Hotchkiss
hadcompromisedthesuitforfourthousanddollarsandcosts.
ColonelStarbottlehadsofarrecoveredhisequanimityastostrutjauntilytowardshisoffice,wherehe
wastomeethisfairclient.Hewassurprised,however,tofindheralreadythere,andincompanywith
asomewhatsheepishlookingyoungmanastranger.IftheColonelhadanydisappointmentin
meetingathirdpartytotheinterview,hisoldfashionedcourtesydidnotpermithimtoshowit.He
bowedgraciously,andpolitelymotionedthemeachtoaseat.
"IreckonedI'dbringHiramroundwithme,"saidtheyounglady,liftinghersearchingeyes,aftera
pause,totheColonel's,"thoughhewasawfulshy,andallowedthatyoudidn'tknowhimfromAdam
orevensuspectedhisexistence.ButIsaid,'That'sjustwhereyouslipup,Hiramapow'fulmanlike
theColonelknowseverythingandI'veseenitinhiseye.'Lordy!"shecontinued,withalaugh,
leaningforwardoverherparasol,ashereyesagainsoughttheColonel's,"don'tyourememberwhen
youaskedmeifIlovedthatoldHotchkiss,andItoldyou'That'stellin','andyoulookedatme,Lordy!
IknewthenyoususpectedtherewasaHiramsomewhereasgoodasifI'dtoldyou.Now,you,jest
getup,Hiram,andgivetheColonelagoodhandshake.Forifitwasn'tforhimandhissearchin'ways,
andhisawfulpoweroflanguage,Iwouldn'thevgotthatfourthousanddollarsouto'thatflirtyfool
Hotchkissenoughtobuyafarm,soasyouandmecouldgetmarried!That'swhatyouowetohim.
Don'tstandtherelikeastuckfoolstarin'athim.Hewon'teatyouthoughhe'skilledmanyabetter
man.Come,haveIgottodoallthekissin'!"
ItisofrecordthattheColonelbowedsocourteouslyandsoprofoundlythathemanagednotmerelyto
evadetheprofferedhandoftheshyHiram,buttoonlylightlytouchthefrankerandmoreimpulsive
fingertipsofthegentleZaidee."IeroffermysincerestcongratulationsthoughIthinkyouer
overestimatemyerpowersofpenetration.Unfortunately,apressingengagement,whichmay
obligemealsotoleavetowntonight,forbidsmysayingmore.Ihaveerlefttheerbusiness
settlementofthisercaseinthehandsofthelawyerswhodomyofficework,andwhowillshow
119/170
2015.04.11.
youeveryattention.Andnowletmewishyouaverygoodafternoon."
Nevertheless,theColonelreturnedtohisprivateroom,anditwasnearlytwilightwhenthefaithful
Jimentered,tofindhimsittingmeditativelybeforehisdesk."'Fo'God!KernelIhopedeyain't
nuffindematter,butyou'slookin'mightlysolemn!Iain'tseenyoulookdatway,Kernel,sincededay
poohMarseStrykerwasfetchedhomeshotfroodehead."
"Handmedownthewhiskey,Jim,"saidtheColonel,risingslowly.
Thenegroflewtotheclosetjoyfully,andbroughtoutthebottle.TheColonelpouredoutaglassofthe
spiritanddrankitwithhisolddeliberation.
"You'requiteright,Jim,"hesaid,puttingdownhisglass,"butI'mergettingoldandsomehow
IammissingpoorStrykerdamnably!"
THEDUPLICITYOFHARGRAVES
ByO.Henry(18621910)
[FromTheJuniorMunsey,February,1902.Republishedinthevolume,SixesandSevens(1911),by
O.Henrycopyright,1911,byDoubleday,Page&Co.reprintedbytheirpermission.]
WhenMajorPendletonTalbot,ofMobile,sir,andhisdaughter,MissLydiaTalbot,cameto
Washingtontoreside,theyselectedforaboardingplaceahousethatstoodfiftyyardsbackfromone
ofthequietestavenues.Itwasanoldfashionedbrickbuilding,withaporticoupheldbytallwhite
pillars.Theyardwasshadedbystatelylocustsandelms,andacatalpatreeinseasonraineditspink
andwhiteblossomsuponthegrass.Rowsofhighboxbusheslinedthefenceandwalks.Itwasthe
SouthernstyleandaspectoftheplacethatpleasedtheeyesoftheTalbots.
Inthispleasantprivateboardinghousetheyengagedrooms,includingastudyforMajorTalbot,who
wasaddingthefinishingchapterstohisbook,AnecdotesandReminiscencesoftheAlabamaArmy,
Bench,andBar.
MajorTalbotwasoftheold,oldSouth.Thepresentdayhadlittleinterestorexcellenceinhiseyes.
HismindlivedinthatperiodbeforetheCivilWarwhentheTalbotsownedthousandsofacresoffine
cottonlandandtheslavestotillthemwhenthefamilymansionwasthesceneofprincelyhospitality,
anddrewitsguestsfromthearistocracyoftheSouth.Outofthatperiodhehadbroughtallitsold
prideandscruplesofhonor,anantiquatedandpunctiliouspoliteness,and(youwouldthink)its
wardrobe.
Suchclothesweresurelynevermadewithinfiftyyears.TheMajorwastall,butwheneverhemade
thatwonderful,archaicgenuflexionhecalledabow,thecornersofhisfrockcoatsweptthefloor.That
garmentwasasurpriseeventoWashington,whichhaslongagoceasedtoshyatthefrocksandbroad
brimmedhatsofSouthernCongressmen.Oneoftheboarderschristenedita"FatherHubbard,"andit
certainlywashighinthewaistandfullintheskirt.
ButtheMajor,withallhisqueerclothes,hisimmenseareaofplaited,ravelingshirtbosom,andthe
littleblackstringtiewiththebowalwaysslippingononeside,bothwassmiledatandlikedinMrs.
Vardeman'sselectboardinghouse.Someoftheyoungdepartmentclerkswouldoften"stringhim,"as
theycalledit,gettinghimstarteduponthesubjectdearesttohimthetraditionsandhistoryofhis
belovedSouthland.DuringhistalkshewouldquotefreelyfromtheAnecdotesandReminiscences.
Buttheywereverycarefulnottolethimseetheirdesigns,forinspiteofhissixtyeightyearshecould
maketheboldestofthemuncomfortableunderthesteadyregardofhispiercinggrayeyes.
120/170
2015.04.11.
MissLydiawasaplump,littleoldmaidofthirtyfive,withsmoothlydrawn,tightlytwistedhairthat
madeherlookstillolder.Oldfashioned,too,shewasbutantebellumglorydidnotradiatefromher
asitdidfromtheMajor.Shepossessedathriftycommonsense,anditwasshewhohandledthe
financesofthefamily,andmetallcomerswhentherewerebillstopay.TheMajorregardedboard
billsandwashbillsascontemptiblenuisances.Theykeptcominginsopersistentlyandsooften.Why,
theMajorwantedtoknow,couldtheynotbefiledandpaidinalumpsumatsomeconvenientperiod
saywhentheAnecdotesandReminiscenceshadbeenpublishedandpaidfor?MissLydiawould
calmlygoonwithhersewingandsay,"We'llpayaswegoaslongasthemoneylasts,andthen
perhapsthey'llhavetolumpit."
MostofMrs.Vardeman'sboarderswereawayduringtheday,beingnearlyalldepartmentclerksand
businessmenbuttherewasoneofthemwhowasaboutthehouseagreatdealfrommorningtonight.
ThiswasayoungmannamedHenryHopkinsHargraveseveryoneinthehouseaddressedhimby
hisfullnamewhowasengagedatoneofthepopularvaudevilletheaters.Vaudevillehasrisento
sucharespectableplaneinthelastfewyears,andMr.Hargraveswassuchamodestandwell
manneredperson,thatMrs.Vardemancouldfindnoobjectiontoenrollinghimuponherlistof
boarders.
AtthetheaterHargraveswasknownasanallrounddialectcomedian,havingalargerepertoireof
German,Irish,Swede,andblackfacespecialties.ButMr.Hargraveswasambitious,andoftenspoke
ofhisgreatdesiretosucceedinlegitimatecomedy.
ThisyoungmanappearedtoconceiveastrongfancyforMajorTalbot.Wheneverthatgentleman
wouldbeginhisSouthernreminiscences,orrepeatsomeoftheliveliestoftheanecdotes,Hargraves
couldalwaysbefound,themostattentiveamonghislisteners.
ForatimetheMajorshowedaninclinationtodiscouragetheadvancesofthe"playactor,"ashe
privatelytermedhimbutsoontheyoungman'sagreeablemannerandindubitableappreciationofthe
oldgentleman'sstoriescompletelywonhimover.
Itwasnotlongbeforethetwowerelikeoldchums.TheMajorsetaparteachafternoontoreadtohim
themanuscriptofhisbook.DuringtheanecdotesHargravesneverfailedtolaughatexactlytheright
point.TheMajorwasmovedtodeclaretoMissLydiaonedaythatyoungHargravespossessed
remarkableperceptionandagratifyingrespectfortheoldrgime.Andwhenitcametotalkingof
thoseolddaysifMajorTalbotlikedtotalk,Mr.Hargraveswasentrancedtolisten.
Likealmostalloldpeoplewhotalkofthepast,theMajorlovedtolingeroverdetails.Indescribing
thesplendid,almostroyal,daysoftheoldplanters,hewouldhesitateuntilhehadrecalledthenameof
thenegrowhoheldhishorse,ortheexactdateofcertainminorhappenings,orthenumberofbalesof
cottonraisedinsuchayearbutHargravesnevergrewimpatientorlostinterest.Onthecontrary,he
wouldadvancequestionsonavarietyofsubjectsconnectedwiththelifeofthattime,andhenever
failedtoextractreadyreplies.
Thefoxhunts,the'possumsuppers,thehoedownsandjubileesinthenegroquarters,thebanquetsin
theplantationhousehall,wheninvitationswentforfiftymilesaroundtheoccasionalfeudswiththe
neighboringgentrytheMajor'sduelwithRathboneCulbertsonaboutKittyChalmers,whoafterward
marriedaThwaiteofSouthCarolinaandprivateyachtracesforfabuloussumsonMobileBaythe
quaintbeliefs,improvidenthabits,andloyalvirtuesoftheoldslavesalltheseweresubjectsthat
heldboththeMajorandHargravesabsorbedforhoursatatime.
Sometimes,atnight,whentheyoungmanwouldbecomingupstairstohisroomafterhisturnatthe
theaterwasover,theMajorwouldappearatthedoorofhisstudyandbeckonarchlytohim.Goingin,
Hargraveswouldfindalittletablesetwithadecanter,sugarbowl,fruit,andabigbunchoffresh
greenmint.
121/170
2015.04.11.
"Itoccurredtome,"theMajorwouldbeginhewasalwaysceremonious"thatperhapsyoumight
havefoundyourdutiesattheatyourplaceofoccupationsufficientlyarduoustoenableyou,Mr.
Hargraves,toappreciatewhatthepoetmightwellhavehadinhismindwhenhewrote,'tiredNature's
sweetrestorer'oneofourSouthernjuleps."
ItwasafascinationtoHargravestowatchhimmakeit.Hetookrankamongartistswhenhebegan,
andhenevervariedtheprocess.Withwhatdelicacyhebruisedthemintwithwhatexquisitenicetyhe
estimatedtheingredientswithwhatsolicitouscarehecappedthecompoundwiththescarletfruit
glowingagainstthedarkgreenfringe!Andthenthehospitalityandgracewithwhichheofferedit,
aftertheselectedoatstrawshadbeenplungedintoitstinklingdepths!
AfteraboutfourmonthsinWashington,MissLydiadiscoveredonemorningthattheywerealmost
withoutmoney.TheAnecdotesandReminiscenceswascompleted,butpublishershadnotjumpedat
thecollectedgemsofAlabamasenseandwit.Therentalofasmallhousewhichtheystillownedin
Mobilewastwomonthsinarrears.Theirboardmoneyforthemonthwouldbedueinthreedays.Miss
Lydiacalledherfathertoaconsultation.
"Nomoney?"saidhewithasurprisedlook."Itisquiteannoyingtobecalledonsofrequentlyfor
thesepettysums,Really,I"
TheMajorsearchedhispockets.Hefoundonlyatwodollarbill,whichhereturnedtohisvestpocket.
"Imustattendtothisatonce,Lydia,"hesaid."KindlygetmemyumbrellaandIwillgodowntown
immediately.Thecongressmanfromourdistrict,GeneralFulghum,assuredmesomedaysagothathe
wouldusehisinfluencetogetmybookpublishedatanearlydate.Iwillgotohishotelatonceand
seewhatarrangementhasbeenmade."
WithasadlittlesmileMissLydiawatchedhimbuttonhis"FatherHubbard"anddepart,pausingatthe
door,ashealwaysdid,tobowprofoundly.
Thatevening,atdark,hereturned.ItseemedthatCongressmanFulghumhadseenthepublisherwho
hadtheMajor'smanuscriptforreading.Thatpersonhadsaidthatiftheanecdotes,etc.,werecarefully
pruneddownaboutonehalf,inordertoeliminatethesectionalandclassprejudicewithwhichthe
bookwasdyedfromendtoend,hemightconsideritspublication.
TheMajorwasinawhiteheatofanger,butregainedhisequanimity,accordingtohiscodeof
manners,assoonashewasinMissLydia'spresence.
"Wemusthavemoney,"saidMissLydia,withalittlewrinkleabovehernose."Givemethetwo
dollars,andIwilltelegraphtoUncleRalphforsometonight."
TheMajordrewasmallenvelopefromhisuppervestpocketandtosseditonthetable.
"Perhapsitwasinjudicious,"hesaidmildly,"butthesumwassomerelynominalthatIboughttickets
tothetheatertonight.It'sanewwardrama,Lydia.Ithoughtyouwouldbepleasedtowitnessitsfirst
productioninWashington.IamtoldthattheSouthhasveryfairtreatmentintheplay.IconfessI
shouldliketoseetheperformancemyself."
MissLydiathrewupherhandsinsilentdespair.
Still,astheticketswerebought,theymightaswellbeused.Sothatevening,astheysatinthetheater
listeningtothelivelyoverture,evenMissLydiawasmindedtorelegatetheirtroubles,forthehour,to
secondplace.TheMajor,inspotlesslinen,withhisextraordinarycoatshowingonlywhereitwas
closelybuttoned,andhiswhitehairsmoothlyroached,lookedreallyfineanddistinguished.The
curtainwentuponthefirstactofAMagnoliaFlower,revealingatypicalSouthernplantationscene.
122/170
2015.04.11.
MajorTalbotbetrayedsomeinterest.
"Oh,see!"exclaimedMissLydia,nudginghisarm,andpointingtoherprogram.
TheMajorputonhisglassesandreadthelineinthecastofcharactersthatherfingersindicated.
Col.WebsterCalhoun.Mr.HopkinsHargraves.
"It'sourMr.Hargraves,"saidMissLydia."Itmustbehisfirstappearanceinwhathecalls'the
legitimate.'I'msogladforhim."
NotuntilthesecondactdidCol.WebsterCalhounappearuponthestage.Whenhemadehisentry
MajorTalbotgaveanaudiblesniff,glaredathim,andseemedtofreezesolid.MissLydiauttereda
little,ambiguoussqueakandcrumpledherprograminherhand.ForColonelCalhounwasmadeupas
nearlyresemblingMajorTalbotasonepeadoesanother.Thelong,thinwhitehair,curlyattheends,
thearistocraticbeakofanose,thecrumpled,wide,ravelingshirtfront,thestringtie,withthebow
nearlyunderoneear,werealmostexactlyduplicated.Andthen,toclinchtheimitation,heworethe
twintotheMajor'ssupposedtobeunparalleledcoat.Highcollared,baggy,empirewaisted,ample
skirted,hangingafootlowerinfrontthanbehind,thegarmentcouldhavebeendesignedfromno
otherpattern.Fromthenon,theMajorandMissLydiasatbewitched,andsawthecounterfeit
presentmentofahaughtyTalbot"dragged,"astheMajorafterwardexpressedit,"throughthe
slanderousmireofacorruptstage."
Mr.Hargraveshadusedhisopportunitieswell.HehadcaughttheMajor'slittleidiosyncrasiesof
speech,accent,andintonationandhispompouscourtlinesstoperfectionexaggeratingalltothe
purposeofthestage.WhenheperformedthatmarvelousbowthattheMajorfondlyimaginedtobe
thepinkofallsalutations,theaudiencesentforthasuddenroundofheartyapplause.
MissLydiasatimmovable,notdaringtoglancetowardherfather.Sometimesherhandnexttohim
wouldbelaidagainsthercheek,asiftoconcealthesmilewhich,inspiteofherdisapproval,shecould
notentirelysuppress.
TheculminationofHargravesaudaciousimitationtookplaceinthethirdact.Thesceneiswhere
ColonelCalhounentertainsafewoftheneighboringplantersinhis"den."
Standingatatableinthecenterofthestage,withhisfriendsgroupedabouthim,hedeliversthat
inimitable,ramblingcharactermonologuesofamousinAMagnoliaFlower,atthesametimethathe
deftlymakesjulepsfortheparty.
MajorTalbot,sittingquietly,butwhitewithindignation,heardhisbeststoriesretold,hispettheories
andhobbiesadvancedandexpanded,andthedreamoftheAnecdotesandReminiscencesserved,
exaggeratedandgarbled.HisfavoritenarrativethatofhisduelwithRathboneCulbertsonwasnot
omitted,anditwasdeliveredwithmorefire,egotism,andgustothantheMajorhimselfputintoit.
Themonologueconcludedwithaquaint,delicious,wittylittlelectureontheartofconcoctingajulep,
illustratedbytheact.HereMajorTalbot'sdelicatebutshowysciencewasreproducedtoahair's
breadthfromhisdaintyhandlingofthefragrantweed"theonethousandthpartofagraintoo
muchpressure,gentlemen,andyouextractthebitterness,insteadofthearoma,ofthisheaven
bestowedplant"tohissolicitousselectionoftheoatenstraws.
Atthecloseofthescenetheaudienceraisedatumultuousroarofappreciation.Theportrayalofthe
typewassoexact,sosureandthorough,thattheleadingcharactersintheplaywereforgotten.After
repeatedcalls,Hargravescamebeforethecurtainandbowed,hisratherboyishfacebrightandflushed
withtheknowledgeofsuccess.
123/170
2015.04.11.
AtlastMissLydiaturnedandlookedattheMajor.Histhinnostrilswereworkinglikethegillsofa
fish.Helaidbothshakinghandsuponthearmsofhischairtorise.
"Wewillgo,Lydia,"hesaidchokingly."Thisisanabominabledesecration."
Beforehecouldrise,shepulledhimbackintohisseat.
"Wewillstayitout,"shedeclared."Doyouwanttoadvertisethecopybyexhibitingtheoriginal
coat?"Sotheyremainedtotheend.
Hargraves'ssuccessmusthavekepthimuplatethatnight,forneitheratthebreakfastnoratthedinner
tabledidheappear.
AboutthreeintheafternoonhetappedatthedoorofMajorTalbot'sstudy.TheMajoropenedit,and
Hargraveswalkedinwithhishandsfullofthemorningpaperstoofullofhistriumphtonotice
anythingunusualintheMajor'sdemeanor.
"Iputitallover'emlastnight,Major,"hebeganexultantly."Ihadmyinning,and,Ithink,scored.
Here'swhatThePostsays:
"'HisconceptionandportrayaloftheoldtimeSoutherncolonel,withhisabsurdgrandiloquence,his
eccentricgarb,hisquaintidiomsandphrases,hismotheatenprideoffamily,andhisreallykindheart,
fastidioussenseofhonor,andlovablesimplicity,isthebestdelineationofacharacterroleonthe
boardstoday.ThecoatwornbyColonelCalhounisitselfnothinglessthananevolutionofgenius.
Mr.Hargraveshascapturedhispublic.'
"Howdoesthatsound,Major,forafirstnighter?"
"Ihadthehonor"theMajor'svoicesoundedominouslyfrigid"ofwitnessingyourveryremarkable
performance,sir,lastnight."
Hargraveslookeddisconcerted.
"Youwerethere?Ididn'tknowyoueverIdidn'tknowyoucaredforthetheater.Oh,Isay,Major
Talbot,"heexclaimedfrankly,"don'tyoubeoffended.IadmitIdidgetalotofpointersfromyouthat
helpedoutwonderfullyinthepart.Butit'satype,youknownotindividual.Thewaytheaudience
caughtonshowsthat.HalfthepatronsofthattheaterareSoutherners.Theyrecognizedit."
"Mr.Hargraves,"saidtheMajor,whohadremainedstanding,"youhaveputuponmean
unpardonableinsult.Youhaveburlesquedmyperson,grosslybetrayedmyconfidence,andmisused
myhospitality.IfIthoughtyoupossessedthefaintestconceptionofwhatisthesignmanualofa
gentleman,orwhatisdueone,Iwouldcallyouout,sir,oldasIam.Iwillaskyoutoleavetheroom,
sir."
Theactorappearedtobeslightlybewildered,andseemedhardlytotakeinthefullmeaningoftheold
gentleman'swords.
"Iamtrulysorryyoutookoffense,"hesaidregretfully."Upherewedon'tlookatthingsjustasyou
peopledo.Iknowmenwhowouldbuyouthalfthehousetohavetheirpersonalityputonthestageso
thepublicwouldrecognizeit."
"TheyarenotfromAlabama,sir,"saidtheMajorhaughtily.
"Perhapsnot.Ihaveaprettygoodmemory,Majorletmequoteafewlinesfromyourbook.In
responsetoatoastatabanquetgiveninMilledgeville,Ibelieveyouuttered,andintendtohave
printed,thesewords:
124/170
2015.04.11.
"'TheNorthernmanisutterlywithoutsentimentorwarmthexceptinsofarasthefeelingsmaybe
turnedtohisowncommercialprofit.Hewillsufferwithoutresentmentanyimputationcastuponthe
honorofhimselforhislovedonesthatdoesnotbearwithittheconsequenceofpecuniaryloss.Inhis
charity,hegiveswithaliberalhandbutitmustbeheraldedwiththetrumpetandchronicledinbrass.'
"DoyouthinkthatpictureisfairerthantheoneyousawofColonel
Calhounlastnight?"
"Thedescription,"saidtheMajor,frowning,"isnotwithoutgrounds.
Someexaglatitudemustbeallowedinpublicspeaking."
"Andinpublicacting,"repliedHargraves.
"Thatisnotthepoint,"persistedtheMajor,unrelenting."Itwasapersonalcaricature.Ipositively
declinetooverlookit,sir."
"MajorTalbot,"saidHargraves,withawinningsmile,"Iwishyouwouldunderstandme.Iwantyou
toknowthatIneverdreamedofinsultingyou.Inmyprofession,alllifebelongstome.ItakewhatI
want,andwhatIcan,andreturnitoverthefootlights.Now,ifyouwill,let'sletitgoatthat.Icamein
toseeyouaboutsomethingelse.We'vebeenprettygoodfriendsforsomemonths,andI'mgoingto
taketheriskofoffendingyouagain.IknowyouarehardupformoneynevermindhowIfoundout,
aboardinghouseisnoplacetokeepsuchmatterssecretandIwantyoutoletmehelpyououtofthe
pinch.I'vebeenthereoftenenoughmyself.I'vebeengettingafairsalaryalltheseason,andI'vesaved
somemoney.You'rewelcometoacouplehundredorevenmoreuntilyouget"
"Stop!"commandedtheMajor,withhisarmoutstretched."Itseemsthatmybookdidn'tlie,afterall.
Youthinkyourmoneysalvewillhealallthehurtsofhonor.UndernocircumstanceswouldIaccepta
loanfromacasualacquaintanceandastoyou,sir,IwouldstarvebeforeIwouldconsideryour
insultingofferofafinancialadjustmentofthecircumstanceswehavediscussed.Ibegtorepeatmy
requestrelativetoyourquittingtheapartment."
Hargravestookhisdeparturewithoutanotherword.Healsoleftthehousethesameday,moving,as
Mrs.Vardemanexplainedatthesuppertable,nearerthevicinityofthedowntowntheater,whereA
MagnoliaFlowerwasbookedforaweek'srun.
CriticalwasthesituationwithMajorTalbotandMissLydia.TherewasnooneinWashingtonto
whomtheMajor'sscruplesallowedhimtoapplyforaloan.MissLydiawrotealettertoUncleRalph,
butitwasdoubtfulwhetherthatrelative'sconstrictedaffairswouldpermithimtofurnishhelp.The
MajorwasforcedtomakeanapologeticaddresstoMrs.Vardemanregardingthedelayedpaymentfor
board,referringto"delinquentrentals"and"delayedremittances"inaratherconfusedstrain.
Deliverancecamefromanentirelyunexpectedsource.
Lateoneafternoonthedoormaidcameupandannouncedanoldcoloredmanwhowantedtosee
MajorTalbot.TheMajoraskedthathebesentuptohisstudy.Soonanolddarkeyappearedinthe
doorway,withhishatinhand,bowing,andscrapingwithoneclumsyfoot.Hewasquitedecently
dressedinabaggysuitofblack.Hisbig,coarseshoesshonewithametalliclustersuggestiveofstove
polish.Hisbushywoolwasgrayalmostwhite.Aftermiddlelife,itisdifficulttoestimatetheageof
anegro.ThisonemighthaveseenasmanyyearsashadMajorTalbot.
"Ibeboundyoudon'tknowme,Mars'Pendleton,"werehisfirstwords.
TheMajorroseandcameforwardattheold,familiarstyleofaddress.Itwasoneoftheoldplantation
darkeyswithoutadoubtbuttheyhadbeenwidelyscattered,andhecouldnotrecallthevoiceorface.
125/170
2015.04.11.
"Idon'tbelieveIdo,"hesaidkindly"unlessyouwillassistmymemory."
"Don'tyou'memberCindy'sMose,Mars'Pendleton,what'migrated'mediatelyafterdewar?"
"Waitamoment,"saidtheMajor,rubbinghisforeheadwiththetipsofhisfingers.Helovedtorecall
everythingconnectedwiththosebeloveddays."Cindy'sMose,"hereflected."Youworkedamongthe
horsesbreakingthecolts.Yes,Iremembernow.Afterthesurrender,youtookthenameofdon't
promptmeMitchell,andwenttotheWesttoNebraska."
"Yassir,yassir,"theoldman'sfacestretchedwithadelightedgrin"dat'shim,dat'sit.Newbraska.
Dat'smeMoseMitchell.OldUncleMoseMitchell,deycallsmenow.Oldmars',yourpa,gimmea
pahofdemmulecoltswhenIlef'furtostahtmegoin'with.You'memberdemcolts,Mars'
Pendleton?"
"Idon'tseemtorecallthecolts,"saidtheMajor."Youknow.Iwasmarriedthefirstyearofthewar
andlivingattheoldFollinsbeeplace.Butsitdown,sitdown,UncleMose.I'mgladtoseeyou.Ihope
youhaveprospered."
UncleMosetookachairandlaidhishatcarefullyonthefloorbesideit.
"YessiroflateIdonemoutyfamous.WhenIfirstgottoNewbraska,deyfolkscomeallroun'meto
seedemmulecolts.Deyain'tseenomuleslikedeminNewbraska.Isolddemmulesforthree
hundreddollars.Yessirthreehundred.
"DenIopenablacksmithshop,suh,andmadesomemoneyandboughtsomelan'.Meandmyold
'omandoneraisedupseb'mchillun,andalldoin'well'cepttwoof'emwhatdied.Fo'yearagoa
railroadcomealongandstahtatownslamag'instmylan',and,suh,Mars'Pendleton,UncleMoseam
worthleb'mthousanddollarsinmoney,property,andlan'."
"I'mgladtohearit,"saidtheMajorheartily."Gladtohearit."
"Anddatlittlebabyofyo'n,Mars'PendletononewhatyounameMissLyddyIbebounddatlittle
taddonegroweduptellnobodywouldn'tknowher."
TheMajorsteppedtothedoorandcalled:"Lydie,dear,willyoucome?"
MissLydia,lookingquitegrownupandalittleworried,cameinfromherroom.
"Dar,now!What'dItellyou?Iknoweddatbabydonebeplumgrowedup.Youdon't'memberUncle
Mose,child?"
"ThisisAuntCindy'sMose,Lydia,"explainedtheMajor."Heleft
SunnymeadfortheWestwhenyouweretwoyearsold."
"Well,"saidMissLydia,"Icanhardlybeexpectedtorememberyou,UncleMose,atthatage.And,as
yousay,I'm'plumgrowedup,'andwasablessedlongtimeago.ButI'mgladtoseeyou,evenifI
can'trememberyou."
Andshewas.AndsowastheMajor.Somethingaliveandtangiblehadcometolinkthemwiththe
happypast.Thethreesatandtalkedovertheoldentimes,theMajorandUncleMosecorrectingor
promptingeachotherastheyreviewedtheplantationscenesanddays.
TheMajorinquiredwhattheoldmanwasdoingsofarfromhishome.
"UncleMoseamadelicate,"heexplained,"todegrandBaptis'conventionindiscity.Inever
preachednone,butbein'aresidin'elderindechurch,andablefurtopaymyownexpenses,deysent
126/170
2015.04.11.
mealong."
"AndhowdidyouknowwewereinWashington?"inquiredMissLydia.
"Dey'saculludmanworksindehotelwharIstops,whatcomesfromMobile.Hetoldmeheseen
Mars'Pendletoncomin'outendishherehouseonemawnin'.
"WhatIcomefur,"continuedUncleMose,reachingintohispocket"besidesdesightofhomefolks
wastopayMars'PendletonwhatIoweshim.
"Yessirthreehundreddollars."HehandedtheMajorarollofbills."WhenIlef'oldmars'says:
'Takedemmulecolts,Mose,and,ifitbesoyougitsable,payfur'em.'Yessirdemwashiswords.
Dewarhaddonelef'oldmars'po'hisself.Oldmars'bein'longagodead,dedebtdescendstoMars'
Pendleton.Threehundreddollars.UncleMoseisplentyabletopaynow.Whendatrailroadbuymy
lan'Ilaidofftopayfurdemmules.Countdemoney,Mars'Pendleton.Dat'swhatIsolddemmules
fur.Yessir."
TearswereinMajorTalbot'seyes.HetookUncleMose'shandandlaidhisotheruponhisshoulder.
"Dear,faithful,oldservitor,"hesaidinanunsteadyvoice,"Idon'tmindsayingtoyouthat'Mars'
Pendletonspenthislastdollarintheworldaweekago.Wewillacceptthismoney,UncleMose,
since,inaway,itisasortofpayment,aswellasatokenoftheloyaltyanddevotionoftheold
rgime.Lydia,mydear,takethemoney.YouarebetterfittedthanItomanageitsexpenditure."
"Takeit,honey,"saidUncleMose."Hitbelongstoyou.Hit'sTalbotmoney."
AfterUncleMosehadgone,MissLydiahadagoodcryforjoyandtheMajorturnedhisfacetoa
corner,andsmokedhisclaypipevolcanically.
ThesucceedingdayssawtheTalbotsrestoredtopeaceandease.MissLydia'sfacelostitsworried
look.Themajorappearedinanewfrockcoat,inwhichhelookedlikeawaxfigurepersonifyingthe
memoryofhisgoldenage.AnotherpublisherwhoreadthemanuscriptoftheAnecdotesand
Reminiscencesthoughtthat,withalittleretouchingandtoningdownofthehighlights,hecouldmake
areallybrightandsalablevolumeofit.Altogether,thesituationwascomfortable,andnotwithoutthe
touchofhopethatisoftensweeterthanarrivedblessings.
Oneday,aboutaweekaftertheirpieceofgoodluck,amaidbroughtaletterforMissLydiatoher
room.ThepostmarkshowedthatitwasfromNewYork.Notknowinganyonethere,MissLydia,ina
mildflutterofwonder,satdownbyhertableandopenedtheletterwithherscissors.Thiswaswhat
sheread:
DEARMISSTALBOT:
Ithoughtyoumightbegladtolearnofmygoodfortune.Ihavereceivedandacceptedanofferoftwo
hundreddollarsperweekbyaNewYorkstockcompanytoplayColonelCalhouninAMagnolia
Flower.
ThereissomethingelseIwantedyoutoknow.Iguessyou'dbetternottellMajorTalbot.Iwas
anxioustomakehimsomeamendsforthegreathelphewastomeinstudyingthepart,andforthe
badhumorhewasinaboutit.Herefusedtoletme,soIdiditanyhow.Icouldeasilysparethethree
hundred.
Sincerelyyours,
H.HOPKINSHARGRAVES.
127/170
2015.04.11.
P.S.HowdidIplayUncleMose?
MajorTalbot,passingthroughthehall,sawMissLydia'sdooropenandstopped.
"Anymailforusthismorning,Lydia,dear?"heasked.
MissLydiaslidtheletterbeneathafoldofherdress.
"TheMobileChroniclecame,"shesaidpromptly."It'sonthetableinyourstudy."
BARGAINDAYATTUTTHOUSE
ByGeorgeRandolphChester(1869)
[FromMcClure'sMagazine,June,1905copyright,1905,bytheS.S.
McClureCo.republishedbytheauthor'spermission.]
I
Justasthestagerumbledoverthericketyoldbridge,creakingandgroaning,thesuncamefrom
behindthecloudsthathadfrownedalltheway,andthepassengerscheeredupabit.Thetworichly
dressedmatronswhohadbeensoutterlyandunnecessarilyoblivioustothepresenceofeachother
nowsuspendedhostilitiesforthemomentbymutualandunspokenconsent,andviewedwithreliefthe
little,goldentintedvalleyandthetreecladroadjustbeyond.Therespectivehusbandsofthesetwo
ladiesexchangedamereglance,nomore,ofcomfort.They,too,wererelieved,thoughmorebythe
momentarytrucethanbyanythingelse.Theyregrettedverymuchtobecompelledtohateeachother,
foreachhadreckoneduphisvisvisasaratherpropersortoffellow,probablyamanofsome
achievement,usedtogoodlivingandgoodcompany.
Extremeicinesswasunavoidablebetweenthem,however.Whenonestrangerhasasplendidly
preservedblondewifeandtheotherasplendidlypreservedbrunettewife,bothofwhomhavewon
socialprominencebyyearsofhardfightingandaloofness,thereremainsnothingforthetwomenbut
tofollowthelead,especiallywhendirectlyundertheeyesoftheleaders.
Thesonoftheblondematronsmiledcheerfullyasthewelcomelightfloodedthecoach.
Hewasanicelookingyoungman,ofabouttwentytwo,onemightjudge,andhedidhissmiling,
thoughinaperfectlyimpersonalandcorrectsortofmanner,attheprettydaughterofthebrunette
matron.Theprettydaughteralsosmiled,buthersmilewasdemurelydirectedatthetreesoutside,clad
astheywereinalltheflaminggloryoftheirautumntints,glisteningwiththerecentrainanddripping
withgemsthatsparkledandflashedinthenoondaysunastheyfell.
Itismarveloushowmuchonecanseeoutofthecorneroftheeye,whileseemingtoviewmere
scenery.
Thedriverlookeddown,ashedrovesafelyoffthebridge,andshookhisheadattheswirlofwater
thatrushedandeddied,darkandmuddy,closeupundertherottenplankingthenhecrackedhiswhip,
andthehorsessturdilyattackedthelittlehill.
Thick,overhangingtreesoneithersidenowdimmedthelightagain,andthetwoplumpmatronsonce
moreglaredpasttheoppositeshoulders,profoundlyunawareofeachother.Thehusbandstookonthe
politelysurlylookrequiredofthem.Theblondeson'seyesstillsoughtthebrunettedaughter,butit
128/170
2015.04.11.
wasfurtivelydoneandquiteunsuccessfully,forthedaughterwasnowdoingalittleglaringonher
ownaccount.Theblondematronhadjustswepthereyesacrossthedaughter'sskirt,estimatingthefit
andmaterialofitwithcontemptsoartisticallyveiledthatitcouldalmostbeunderstoodinthedark.
II
Thebigbaysswungtothebrowofthehillwithease,anddashedintoasmallcircularclearing,where
aquaintlittletwostorybuilding,withamossywateringtroughoutinfront,nestledundertheshade
ofmajesticoldtreesthatrearedtheirbrownandscarletcrownsproudlyintothesky.Along,low
porchranacrossthefrontofthestructure,andacomplainingsignhungoutannouncing,indim,
weatherfleckedlettersonacrackedboard,thatthiswasthe"TuttHouse."Agrayheadedman,in
brownoverallsandfadedbluejumper,stoodontheporchandshookhisfistatthestageasitwhirled
by.
"Whatadelightfullyoldfashionedinn!"exclaimedtheprettydaughter."HowIshouldliketostop
thereovernight!"
"Youwouldprobablywishyourselfawaybeforemorning,Evelyn,"repliedhermotherindifferently.
"Nodoubtitwouldbeameresiegeofdiscomfort."
Theblondematronturnedtoherhusband.Theprettydaughterhadbeenlookingatthepicturesque
"inn"betweentheheadsofthisladyandherson.
"Edward,pleasepulldowntheshadebehindme,"shedirected."Thereisquiteadraughtfromthat
brokenwindow."
Theprettydaughterbitherlip.Thebrunettematroncontinuedtostareattheshadeintheexactspot
uponwhichhergazehadbeenbeforedirected,andsheneverquiveredaneyelash.Theyoungman
seemedveryuncomfortable,andhetriedtolookhisapologiestotheprettydaughter,butshecould
notseehimnow,notevenifhereyeshadbeenallcorners.
Theywerebowlingalongthroughanotheravenueoftreeswhenthedriversuddenlyshouted,"Whoa
there!"
Thehorseswerebroughtupwithajerkthatwaswellnighfataltotheassortmentofdignityinsidethe
coach.Aloudroaringcouldbeheard,bothaheadandintherear,asharpsplittinglikeafusilladeof
pistolshots,thenacreakingandtearingoftimbers.Thedriverbentsuddenlyforward.
"Gidap!"hecried,andthehorsessprangforwardwithalurch.Heswungthemaroundasharpbend
withaskillfulhandandpoisedhisweightabovethebrakeastheyplungedatterrificspeeddowna
steepgrade.Theroaringwaslouderthanevernow,anditbecamedeafeningastheysuddenly
emergedfromthethickunderbrushatthebottomofthedeclivity.
"Caught,bygravy!"ejaculatedthedriver,and,forthesecondtime,hebroughtthecoachtoanabrupt
stop.
"Doseewhatisthematter,Ralph,"saidtheblondematronimpatiently.
Thuscommanded,theyoungmanswungoutandaskedthedriveraboutit.
"Paintsvilledam'sbusted,"hewasinformed."Ibeenalookin'feritthismanyayear,an'thishere
freshetdoneit.Youseethehollerthere?Well,they'stenfooto'waterinit,an'ithadorttobestone
129/170
2015.04.11.
dry.Thebridgeistoreoutbehindus,an'we'restuckheretillthatwaterrunsout.Wecan'tgitawaytill
tomorry,anyways."
Hepointedoutthepeculiartopographyoftheplace,andRalphgotbackinthecoach.
"We'repracticallyonafloodmadeisland,"heexclaimed,withoneeyeontheprettydaughter,"and
weshallhavetostopovernightatthatquaint,oldfashionedinnwepassedafewmomentsago."
Theprettydaughter'seyestwinkled,andhethoughthecaughtaswift,directgleamfromunderthe
longlashesbuthewasnotsure.
"Dearme,howannoying,"saidtheblondematron,butthebrunettematronstillstared,withoutthe
slightesttraceofinterestinanythingelse,attheinfinitesimalspotshehadselectedontheaffronting
windowshade.
Thetwomengavesighsofresignation,andcastcarefullyconcealedglancesateachother,speculating
onthepossibilityofacigarandaglass,andmaybeagoodstoryortwo,orpossiblyevenagameof
pokeraftertheeveningmeal.Whocouldtellwhatmightormightnothappen?
III
Whenthestagedrewupinfrontofthelittlehotel,itfoundUncleBillyTuttpreparedforhisrevenge.
InformerdaysthestagehadalwaysstoppedattheTuttHouseforthenoondaymeal.Sincethenew
railwaywasbuiltthroughtheadjoiningcounty,however,thestagetripbecameameretwelvemile,
crosscountrytransferfromonerailroadtoanother,andthestagemadealatertrip,allowingthe
passengersplentyoftimefor"dinner"beforetheystarted.Dayafterday,asthecoachflashedbywith
itsmoneyladenpassengers,UncleBillyhadhopedthatitwouldbreakdown.Butthiswasbetter,
muchbetter.Thecoachmightbequicklymended,butnottheflood.
"I'magoin't'charge'emtilltheysqueal,"hedeclaredtothetimidlyprotestingAuntMargaret,"an'
thenI'mgoin't'charge'emaleastmitemore,drat'em!"
Heretreatedbehindtheroughwoodencounterthatdiddutyasadesk,slammedopentheflimsy,
paperbound"cashbook"thatservedasaregister,andplantedhiselbowsuncompromisinglyoneither
sideofit.
"Let'embringintheirowntraps,"hecommented,andAuntMargaretfled,ashamedandconscience
smitten,tothekitchen.Itseemedawful.
Thefirstoneoutofthecoachwasthehusbandofthebrunettematron,and,proceedingunder
instructions,hewaitedneitherforluggagenorwomenfolk,buthurriedstraightintotheTuttHouse.
Theothermanwouldhavebeenneckandneckwithhimintherace,ifithadnotbeenthathepaused
toseizetwosuitcasesandhadthemisfortunetodropone,whichburstopenandscatteredachoice
assortmentoflingeriefromoneendofthedingycoachtotheother.
Intheconfusionofrescuingthefluffery,theownerofthesuitcasehadtosacrificeherhauteurand
helpherhusbandandsonblockuptheaisle,whiletheothermatronhadtheineffablesatisfactionof
beingkeptwaiting,atlastbeingenabledtosay,sweetlyandwiththemostpoliteconsideration:
"Willyoukindlyallowmetopass?"
Theblondematronraisedupandsweptherskirtsbackperfectlyflat.Shewaspalebutcollected.Her
130/170
2015.04.11.
husbandwaspinkbutcollected.Hersonwascrimsonanduncollected.Thebrunettedaughtercould
nothavefoundaneyeanywhereinhiscountenanceassherustledoutafterhermother.
"IdohopethatBelmonthasbeenabletosecurechoicequarters,"thetriumphingmatronremarkedas
herdaughterjoinedherontheground."Thisplacelookedsoverysmallthattherecanscarcelybe
morethanonecomfortablesuiteinit."
Itwasavitalthrust.Onlyasplendidlycultivatedselfcontrolpreventedtheblondematronfrom
retaliatingupontheunfortunatewhohadmuddledthings.Evenso,hereyesspokewholeshelvesof
volumes.
Themanwhofirstreachedtheregisterwrote,inastraightblackscrawl,"J.BelmontVanKamp,wife,
anddaughter."Therebeingnospaceleftforhisaddress,heputnonedown.
"Iwantthreeadjoiningrooms,ensuiteifpossible,"hedemanded.
"Three!"exclaimedUncleBilly,scratchinghishead."Won'ttwodoye?Iain'tgotbutsixbedroomsin
th'house.Mean'Marg'tsleepsinone,an'we'reagittin'toooldferashakedownonth'floor.I'llhave
t'saveoneroomferth'driver,an'thatleavesfour.Youtaketwonow"
Mr.VanKampcastahastyglanceoutofthewindow,Theothermanwasgettingoutofthecoach.
Hisownwifewassteppingontheporch.
"Whatdoyouaskformealsandlodginguntilthistimetomorrow?"heinterrupted.
Thedecisivemomenthadarrived.UncleBillydrewadeepbreath.
"Twodollarsahead!"hedefiantlyannounced.There!Itwasout!HewishedMargarethadstayedto
hearhimsayit.
Theguestdidnotseemtobeseriouslyshocked,andUncleBillywasbeginningtobesorryhehadnot
saidthreedollars,whenMr.VanKampstoppedthelandlord'sownbreath.
"I'llgiveyoufifteendollarsforthethreebestroomsinthehouse,"hecalmlysaid,andLandlordTutt
gaspedasthemoneyfluttereddownunderhisnose.
"Jis'takeyorefolksrightonup,Mr.Kamp,"saidUncleBilly,pouncingonthemoney."Th'roomsis
th'threerightalongth'hullfronto'th'house.I'llbeupandmakeonafireinaminute.Jis'taketh'
JonesvilleBanneran'th'UtickyClarionalongwithye."
AstheswishofskirtsmarkedthepassageoftheVanKampsupthewidehallstairway,theotherparty
sweptintotheroom.
Themanwrote,inaroundflourish,"EdwardEastmanEllsworth,wife,andson."
"I'dlikethreechoicerooms,ensuite,"hesaid.
"Gosh!"saidUncleBilly,regretfully."That'swhatMr.Kampwanted,fustoff,an'hegotit.They
hain'tbutth'littleroomoverth'kitchenleft.I'llhavetoputyouan'yourwifeinthat,an'letyourboy
sleepwithth'driver."
TheconsternationintheEllsworthpartywaspastcalculatingbyanyknownstandardsof
measurement.Thethingwasanoutrage!Itwasnottobeborne!Theywouldnotsubmittoit!
UncleBilly,however,secureinhismasteryofthesituation,calmlyquarteredthemashehadsaid.
"An'let'emsplutteralltheywantto,"hecommentedcomfortablytohimself.
131/170
2015.04.11.
IV
TheEllsworthswereholdingafamilyindignationmeetingonthebroadporchwhentheVanRamps
camecontentedlydownforawalk,andbrushedbythemwithunseeingeyes.
"Itmakesaperfectlyfascinatingsuite,"observedMrs.VanKamp,inapleasantlyconversationaltone
thatcouldbeeasilyoverheardbyanyoneimpoliteenoughtolisten."Thatdelightfuloldfashioned
fireplaceinthemiddleapartmentmakesitanidealsittingroom,andthebedsaresoroomyand
comfortable."
"Ijustknewitwouldbelikethis!"chirrupedMissEvelyn."Iremarkedaswepassedtheplace,ifyou
willremember,howcharmingitwouldbetostopinthisdear,quaintoldinnovernight.Allmy
wishesseemtocometruethisyear."
Thesesimpleand,ofcourse,entirelyunpremeditatedremarkswereasvinegarandwormwoodtoMrs.
Ellsworth,andshegazedaftertheretreatingVanKampswithaglintinhereyethatwouldmakeone
understandLucretiaBorgiaatlast.
HersonalsogazedaftertheretreatingVanKamp.Shehadanexquisitefigure,andshecarriedherself
withamostdelectablegrace.Asthepartydrewawayfromtheinnshedroppedbehindtheeldersand
wanderedoffintoasidepathtogatherautumnleaves.
Ralph,too,startedoffforawalk,butnaturallynotinthesamedirection.
"Edward!"suddenlysaidMrs.Ellsworth."Iwantyoutoturnthosepeopleoutofthatsuitebefore
night!"
"Verywell,"herepliedwithasigh,andgotuptodoit.Hehadwreckedarailroadandmadeone,and
hadoperatedsuccessfulcornersinnutmegsandchicory.Notaskseemedimpossible.Hewalkedinto
seethelandlord.
"WhataretheVanKampspayingyouforthosethreerooms?"heasked.
"Fifteendollars,"UncleBillyinformedhim,smokingoneofMr.Van
Kamp'sgoodcigarsandtwiddlinghisthumbsinhugecontent.
"I'llgiveyouthirtyforthem.Justsettheirbaggageoutsideandtellthemtheroomsareoccupied."
"Nosirree!"rejoinedUncleBilly."Abargain'sabargain,an'IallussticktooneImake."
Mr.Ellsworthwithdrew,butnotdefeated.Hehadneversupposedthatsuchanabsurdproposition
wouldbeaccepted.Itwasonlyafeeler,andhehadnoticedawinceofregretinhislandlord.Hesat
downontheporchandlitastrongcigar.Hiswifedidnotbotherhim.Shegazedcomplacentlyatthe
flamingfoliageopposite,andallowedhimtothink.Gettingimpossiblethingswashisbusinessinlife,
andshehadconfidenceinhim.
"Iwanttorentyourentirehouseforaweek,"heannouncedtoUncleBillyafewminuteslater.Ithad
occurredtohimthatthefloodmightlastlongerthantheyanticipated.
UncleBilly'seyestwinkled.
"Ireckonitkinbedid,"heallowed."Ireckonahotelman'sgotarighttorenthishullhouseary
minute."
"Ofcoursehehas.Howmuchdoyouwant?"
132/170
2015.04.11.
UncleBillyhadmadeonemistakeinnotaskingthissortoffolksenough,andhereflectedin
perplexity.
"Makemeaoffer,"heproposed."Efithain'tenoughI'lltellye.Youwanttorentth'hullplace,back
lotan'all?"
"No,justthemerehouse.Thatwillbeenough,"answeredtheotherwithasmile.Hewasonthepoint
ofofferingahundreddollars,whenhesawthelittlewrinklesaboutMr.Tutt'seyes,andhesaid
seventyfive.
"Sho,ye'rejokin'!"retortedUncleBilly.Hehadbeenconsideredafinehorsetraderinthatpartofthe
country."Makeitahundredandtwentyfive,an'I'llgoye."
Mr.Ellsworthcountedoutsomebills.
"Here'sahundred,"hesaid."Thatoughttobeaboutright."
"Fifteenmore,"insistedUncleBilly.
Withalittlefrownofimpatiencetheothercountedofftheextramoneyandhandeditover.Uncle
Billygravelyhandeditback.
"Them'sthefifteendollarsMr.Kampgiveme,"heexplained."You'vegotthehullhouseferaweek,
an'o'courseallth'moneythat'stookeninisyour'n.Youkindoasyepleaseaboutrentin'outroomsto
otherfolks,Ireckon.Abargain'sabargain,an'IallussticktooneImake."
V
RalphEllsworthstalkedamongthetrees,feverishlysearchingforsquirrels,scarletleaves,andthe
glintofabrownwalkingdress,thislastnotbeingsoeasytolocateinsunlitautumnwoods.Timeafter
timehequickenedhispace,onlytofindthathehadbeenfooledbyapatchofdogwood,aclumpof
hawbushesorevenaleafstrewnknoll,butatlastheunmistakablysawthedress,andthenheslowed
downtoacarelesssaunter.
Shewasreachingupforsomebrilliantlycoloredmapleleaves,andwasentirelyunconsciousofhis
presence,especiallyaftershehadseenhim.Herposeshowedherprettyfiguretoadvantage,but,of
course,shedidnotknowthat.Howshouldshe?
Ralphadmiredthepictureverymuch.Thehat,thehair,thegown,thedaintyshoes,eventhenarrow
stripofsilkenhosethatwasrevealedasshestoodauptoe,wereallofadeep,richbrownthatproved
anexquisitefoilforthepinkandcreamofhercheeks.Herememberedthathereyeswerealmostthe
sameshade,andwonderedhowitwasthatwomenfolkhappenedoncombinationsindressthatso
wellsetofftheirnaturalcharms.Thefool!
Hewasaboutthreetreesaway,now,andapanicakintothatwhichhuntersdescribeas"buckague"
seizedhim.Hedecidedthathereallyhadnoexcuseforcominganynearer.Itwouldnotdo,either,to
beseenstaringatherifsheshouldhappentoturnherhead,soheveeredoff,intendingtoregainthe
road.Itwouldbeimpossibletodothiswithoutpassingdirectlyinherrangeofvision,andhedidnot
intendtotrytoavoidit.Hehadafine,manlyfigureofhisown.
Hehadjustpassedthenearestradiustohercircleandwasproceedingalongthetangentthathehad
laidoutforhimself,whentheunwittingmaidlookedcarefullydownandsawatangleofrootsather
133/170
2015.04.11.
veryfeet.Shewassounfortunate,asecondlater,astoslipherfootinthisverytangleandgiveher
ankleeversoslightatwist.
"Oh!"criedMissVanKamp,andRalphEllsworthflewtotherescue.Hehadnotbeennoticingherat
all,andyethehadstartedtohersidebeforeshehadevencriedout,whichwasstrange.Shehadavery
attractivevoice.
"MayIbeofassistance?"heanxiouslyinquired.
"Ithinknot,thankyou,"shereplied,compressingherlipstokeepbacktheintolerablepain,andhalf
closinghereyestoshowthefinelashes.Decliningtheprofferedhelp,sheextricatedherfoot,picked
upherautumnbranches,andturnedaway.Shewasintenselyaversetoanythingthatcouldbe
construedasaflirtation,evenofthemildest,hecouldcertainlyseethat.Shetookastep,swayed
slightly,droppedtheleaves,andclutchedoutherhandtohim.
"Itisnothing,"sheassuredhiminamoment,withdrawingthehandafterhehadhelditquitelong
enough."Nothingwhatever.Igavemyfootaslightwrench,andturnedtheleastbitfaintfora
moment."
"Youmustpermitmetowalkback,atleasttotheroad,withyou,"heinsisted,gatheringupher
armloadofbranches."Icouldn'tthinkofleavingyouherealone."
Ashestoopedtoraisethegaywoodlandtreasureshesmiledtohimself,eversoslightly.Thiswasnot
hisfirstseasonout,either.
"Delightfulspot,isn'tit?"heobservedastheyregainedtheroadandsaunteredinthedirectionofthe
TuttHouse.
"Quiteso,"shereservedlyanswered.Shehadnoticedthatsmileashestooped.Hemustbesnubbeda
little.Itwouldbesogoodforhim.
"Youdon'thappentoknowBillyEvans,ofBoston,doyou?"heasked.
"Ithinknot.IambutverylittleacquaintedinBoston."
"Toobad,"hewenton."IwasratherinhopesyouknewBilly.Allsortsofasplendidfellow,and
knowseverybody."
"Notquite,itseems,"sheremindedhim,andhewincedattheerror.Inspiteoftheslysmilethathe
hadpermittedtohimself,hewasunusuallyinterested.
Hetriedtheweather,theflood,theaccident,golf,booksandthreegood,substantial,warrantedjokes,
buttheconversationlaggedinspiteofhim.MissVanKampwouldnotfortheworldhaveit
understoodthatthisunconventionalmeeting,madeallowablebyherwrenchedankle,couldpossibly
fulfillthefunctionsofaformalintroduction.
"Whataripping,queeroldbuildingthatis!"heexclaimed,makingonemorebraveeffortastheycame
insightofthehotel.
"Itis,rather,"sheassented."Theroomsinitareasquaintanddelightfulastheexterior,too."
Shelookedasharmlessandinnocentasabasketofpeachesasshesaidit,andneverthesuspicionofa
smiledeepenedthedimpleinthecheektowardhim.Thesmilewasglowingcheerfullyawayinside,
though.Hecouldfeelit,ifhecouldnotseeit,andhelaughedaloud.
"Yourcrowdrathergotthebetterofusthere,"headmittedwiththekeenappreciationofonestillquite
134/170
2015.04.11.
closetocollegedays.
"Ofcourse,thematerisfurious,butIratherlookonitasalark."
ShethawedlikeanAprilicicle.
"It'sperfectlyjolly,"shelaughedwithhim."Awfullyselfishofus,too,Iknow,butsuchloadsoffun."
TheywereclosetotheTuttHousenow,andherlimp,thathadentirelydisappearedastheyemerged
fromthewoods,nowbecamequiteperceptible.Theremightbepeoplelookingoutofthewindows,
thoughitishardtoseewhythatshouldaffectalimp.
Ralphwasdelightedtofindthatathawhadsetin,andhemadeonemoreattempttoestablishatleast
aproxyacquaintance.
"Youdon'thappentoknowPeysonKingsley,ofPhiladelphia,doyou?"
"I'mafraidIdon't,"shereplied."IknowsofewPhiladelphiapeople,yousee."Shewasrather
regretfulaboutitthistime.Hereallywasacleversortofafellow,inspiteofthatsmile.
ThecenterwindowinthesecondflooroftheTuttHouseswungopen,itslittlesquaresofglass
flashingjubilantlyinthesunlight.Mrs.Ellsworthleanedoutoverthesill,fromthequaintoldsitting
roomoftheVanKampapartments!
"Oh,Ralph!"shecalledinhermostdulcettones."Kindlyexcuseyourselfandcomerightonuptoour
suiteforafewmoments!"
VI
Itisnotnearlysoeasytotakeapracticaljokeastoperpetrateone.Evelynwassittingthoughtfullyon
theporchwhenherfatherandmotherreturned.Mrs.Ellsworthwassittingatthecenterwindow
above,placidlylookingout.HereyessweptcarelesslyovertheVanKamps,andunconcernedly
passedontotherestofthelandscape.
Mrs.VanKampgaspedandclutchedthearmofherhusband.Therewasnoneed.He,too,hadseen
theapparition.Evelynnow,forthefirsttime,sawtherealhumorofthesituation.Shesmiledasshe
thoughtofRalph.Sheowedhimone,butsheneverworriedaboutherdebts.Shealwaysmanagedto
getthempaid,principalandinterest.
Mr.VanKampsuddenlygloweredandstrodeintotheTuttHouse.UncleBillymethimatthedoor,
reflectivelychewingastraw,andhandedhimanenvelope.Mr.VanKamptoreitopenanddrewouta
note.Threefivedollarbillscameoutwithitandflutteredtotheporchfloor.Thismissiveconfronted
him:
MR.J.BELMONTVANKAMP,
DEARSIR:ThisistonotifyyouthatIhaverentedtheentireTuttHousefortheensuingweek,and
amcompelledtoassumepossessionofthethreesecondfloorfrontrooms.HerewithIamenclosing
thefifteendollarsyoupaidtosecurethesuite.Youarequitewelcometomakeuse,asmyguest,of
thesmallroomoverthekitchen.Youwillfindyourluggageinthatroom.Regrettingany
inconveniencethatthistransactionmaycauseyou,Iam,
135/170
2015.04.11.
Yoursrespectfully,
EDWARDEASTMANELLSWORTH.
Mr.VanKamppassedthenotetohiswifeandsatdownoralargechair.Hewasgladthatthechair
wascomfortableandroomy.Evelynpickedupthebillsandtuckedthemintoherwaist.Shenever
overlookedanyofherperquisites.Mrs.VanKampreadthenote,andthetipofhernosebecame
white.Shealsosatdown,butshewasthefirsttofindhervoice.
"Atrocious!"sheexclaimed."Atrocious!Simplyatrocious,Belmont.Thisisahouseofpublic
entertainment.Theycan'tturnusoutinthishighmindedmanner!Isn'ttherealaworsomethingto
thateffect?"
"Itwouldn'tmatteriftherewas,"hethoughtfullyreplied."ThisfellowEllsworthwouldbetooclever
tobecaughtbyit.Hewouldsaythatthehousewasnotahotelbutaprivateresidenceduringthe
periodforwhichhehasrentedit."
Personally,heratheradmiredEllsworth.Seemedtobearesourcefulsortofchapwhoknewhowto
makemoneybehaveitself,anddoitslittletrickswithoutbalkingintheharness.
"Thenyoucanmakehimtakedownthesign!"hiswifedeclared.
Heshookhisheaddecidedly.
"Itwouldn'tdo,Belle,"hereplied."Itwouldbespite,notretaliation,andnotatallsportsmanlike.The
courseyousuggestwouldbelittleusmorethanitwouldannoythem.Theremustbesomeotherway."
HewentintotalkwithUncleBilly.
"Iwanttobuythisplace,"hestated."Isitforsale?"
"Itsartinis!"repliedUncleBilly.Hedidnotmerelytwinklethistime.Hegrinned.
"Howmuch?"
"Threethousanddollars."Mr.Tuttwasusedtochargingbythistime,andhebetrayednohesitation.
"I'llwriteyououtacheckatonce,"andMr.VanKampreachedinhispocketwiththereflectionthat
thespot,afterall,wasanidealoneforaquietsummerretreat.
"Airyouagoin't'scribblethattherethreethousan'onapieceo'paper?"inquiredUncleBilly,sitting
boltupright."Efyouairafiggerin'onthat,Mr.Kamp,jis'yousaveyoretime.Igiveamanfour
dollarsferoneo'themcheckthingsoncet,an'Iowemyselfthemfourdollarsyit."
Mr.VanKampretiredindisorder,butthethoughtofhiswifeanddaughterwaitingconfidentlyonthe
porchstoppedhim.Moreover,thethinghadresolveditselfratherintoacontestbetweenEllsworth
andhimself,andhehaddonealittlemakingandbreakingofmenandthingsinhisowntime.Hedid
somegatlinggunthinkingoutbythenewelpost,andpresentlyrejoinedUncleBilly.
"Mr.Tutt,tellmejustexactlywhatMr.Ellsworthrented,please,"herequested.
"Th'hullhouse,"repliedBilly,andthenhesomewhatsternlyadded:
"Paidmespotcashferit,too."
Mr.VanKamptookawadofloosebillsfromhistrouserspocket,straightenedthemoutleisurely,and
placedtheminhisbillbook,alongwithsomesmoothyellowbacksofeyebulgingdenominations.
UncleBillysatupandstoppedtwiddlinghisthumbs.
136/170
2015.04.11.
"Nothingwassaidaboutthefurniture,wasthere?"suavelyinquired
VanKamp.
UncleBillyleanedblanklybackinhischair.Littlebylittlethelightdawnedontheexhorsetrader.
Thecrow'sfeetreappearedabouthiseyes,hismouthtwitched,hesmiled,hegrinned,thenheslapped
histhighandhawhawed.
"No!"roaredUncleBilly."No,therewasn't,bygum!"
"Nothingbutthehouse?"
"Hisveryownwords!"chuckledUncleBilly."'Jis'th'merehouse,'sayshe,an'hegitsit.Abargain'sa
bargain,an'IallussticktooneImake."
"Howmuchforthefurniturefortheweek?"
"Fiftydollars!"Mr.Tuttknewhowtodobusinesswiththiskindofpeoplenow,youbet.
Mr.VanKamppromptlycountedoutthemoney.
"Dratit!"commentedUncleBillytohimself."Icould'a'gotmore!"
"Nowwherecanwemakeourselvescomfortablewiththisfurniture?"
UncleBillychirkedup.Allwasnotyetlost.
"Waal,"hereflectivelydrawled,"there'sth'newbarn.Ithain'tbeenusedfornothin'yit,senctIbuiltit
twoyearsago.Ijis'hadn'tth'heartt'putth'crittersinitaslongasth'oleonestoodup."
TheothersmiledatthisflashlightonUncleBilly'scharacter,andtheywentouttolookatthebarn.
VII
UncleBillycamebackfromthe"TuttHouseAnnex,"asMr.VanKampdubbedthebarn,with
enoughmoremoneytomakehimlovealltheworlduntilhegotusedtohavingit.UncleBillybelongs
toalargefamily.
Mr.VanKampjoinedthewomenontheporch,andexplainedtheattractivelynovelsituationtothem.
TheywerechattinggailywhentheEllsworthscamedownthestairs.Mr.Ellsworthpausedfora
momenttoexchangeawordwithUncleBilly.
"Mr.Tutt,"saidhe,laughing,"ifwegoforabitofexercisewillyouguaranteeusthepossessionof
ourroomswhenwecomeback?"
"Yessirree!"UncleBillyassuredhim."Theyshan'tnobodytakethemroomsawayfromyoufer
money,marbles,nerchalk.Abargain'sabargain,an'IallussticktooneImake,"andhevirtuously
tookachewoftobaccowhileheinspectedtheafternoonskywithaclearconscience.
"Iwanttogetsomeofthosesplendidautumnleavestodecorateourcozyapartments,"Mrs.Ellsworth
toldherhusbandastheypassedinhearingoftheVanKamps."Doyouknowthoseoldtimeragrugs
arethemostoddlydecorativeeffectsthatIhaveeverseen.Theyaresorichincolorandsoexquisitely
blended."
137/170
2015.04.11.
Therewerereasonswhythispoisonedarrowfailedtorankle,buttheVanKampsdidnottroubleto
explain.TheywerewaitingforRalphtocomeoutandjoinhisparents.Ralph,itseemed,however,
haddecidednottotakeawalk.Hehadalreadyfatiguedhimself,hehadexplained,andhismotherhad
favoredhimwithasignificantlook.Shecouldreadilybelievehim,shehadassuredhim,andhadthen
lefthiminscorn.
TheVanKampswentouttoconsiderthearrangementofthebarn.Evelynreturnedfirstandcameout
ontheporchtofindahandkerchief.Itwasnotthere,butRalphwas.Shewasverymuchsurprisedto
seehim,andsheintimatedasmuch.
"It'sdreadfullydampinthewoods,"heexplained."Bytheway,youdon'thappentoknowthe
Whitleys,ofWashington,doyou?Mostexcellentpeople."
"I'mquitesorrythatIdonot,"shereplied."Butyouwillhavetoexcuseme.Weshallbekeptvery
busywitharrangingourapartments."
Ralphsprangtohisfeetwithaludicrousexpression.
"Notthesecondfloorfrontsuite!"heexclaimed.
"Oh,no!Notatall,"shereassuredhim.
Helaughedlightly.
"Honorsareabouteveninthatgame,"hesaid.
"Evelyn,"calledhermotherfromthehall."Pleasecomeandtakethosefrontsuitecurtainsdownto
thebarn."
"Pardonmewhilewetakethenexttrick,"remarkedEvelynwithalaughquiteaslightandgleefulas
hisown,anddisappearedintothehall.
Hefollowedherslowly,andwasmetatthedoorbyherfather.
"YouaretheyoungerMr.Ellsworth,Ibelieve,"politelysaidMr.Van
Kamp.
"RalphEllsworth.Yes,sir."
"Hereisanoteforyourfather.Itisunsealed.Youarequiteatlibertytoreadit."
Mr.VanKampbowedhimselfaway,andRalphopenedthenote,whichread:
EDWARDEASTMANELLSWORTH,ESQ.,
DearSir:ThisistonotifyyouthatIhaverentedtheentirefurnitureoftheTuttHousefortheensuing
week,andamcompelledtoassumepossessionofthatinthethreesecondfloorfrontrooms,aswellas
allthebalancenotinactualusebyMr.andMrs.Tuttandthedriverofthestage.Youarequite
welcome,however,tomakeuseofthefurnishingsinthesmallroomoverthekitchen.Yourluggage
youwillfindundisturbed.Regrettinganyinconveniencethatthistransactionmaycauseyou,Iremain,
Yoursrespectfully,
J.BELMONTVANKAMP.
138/170
2015.04.11.
Ralphscratchedhisheadinamusedperplexity.Itdevolveduponhimtoevenuptheaffairalittle
beforehismothercameback.Hemustsupportthefamilyreputationforresourcefulness,butittook
quiteabitofscalpirritationbeforeheaggravatedtherightideaintobeing.Assoonastheideacame,
hewentinandmadeahideboundbargainwithUncleBilly,thenhewentoutintothehallandwaited
untilEvelyncamedownwithahugearmloadofwindowcurtains.
"Honorsarestilleven,"heremarked."Ihavejustboughtalltheediblesabouttheplace,whetherinthe
cellar,thehouseoranyofthesurroundingstructures,intheground,abovetheground,deadoralive,
andabargain'sabargainasbetweenmanandman."
"Cleverofyou,I'msure,"commentedMissVanKamp,reflectively.Suddenlyherlipspartedwitha
smilethatrevealedadoublerowofmostbeautifulteeth.Hemeditativelywatchedthecurveofher
lips.
"Isn'tthatratheraheavyload?"hesuggested."I'dbedelightedtohelpyoumovethethings,don'tyou
know."
"Itisquitekindofyou,andwhatthemenwouldcall'game,'Ibelieve,underthecircumstances,"she
answered,"butreallyitwillnotbenecessary.WehavehiredMr.Tuttandthedrivertodotheheavier
partofthework,andtherestofitwillbereallyapleasantdiversion."
"Nodoubt,"agreedRalph,withanappreciativegrin."Bytheway,youdon'thappentoknowMaud
andDorothyPartridge,ofBaltimore,doyou?Stunningprettygirls,bothofthem,andnoendof
swells."
"IknowsoveryfewpeopleinBaltimore,"shemurmured,andtrippedondowntothebarn.
Ralphwentoutontheporchandsmoked.Therewasnothingelsethathecoulddo.
VIII
ItwasgrowingduskwhentheelderEllsworthsreturned,almosthiddenbygreatmassesofautumn
boughs.
"Youshouldhavebeenwithus,Ralph,"enthusiasticallysaidhismother."Ineversawsuchgorgeous
tintsinallmylife.Wehavebroughtnearlytheentirewoodswithus."
"Itwasagoodidea,"saidRalph."Astunninggoodidea.Theymaycomeinhandytosleepon."
Mrs.Ellsworthturnedcold.
"Whatdoyoumean?"shegasped.
"Ralph,"sternlydemandedhisfather,"youdon'tmeantotellusthatyoulettheVanKampsjockeyus
outofthoseroomsafterall?"
"Indeed,no,"heairilyresponded."Justcomerightonupandsee."
Heledthewayintothesuiteandstruckamatch.Onesolitarycandlehadbeenleftuponthemantel
shelf.Ralphthoughtthatthishadbeenoverlooked,buthismotherafterwardssethimrightaboutthat.
Mrs.VanKamphadcleverlyleftitsothattheEllsworthscouldseehowdreadfullybaretheplace
was.Onecandleinthreeroomsisdrearierthandarknessanyhow.
139/170
2015.04.11.
Mrs.Ellsworthtookinallthedesolation,thedismalexpanseofthenowenormousapartments,the
shabbywalls,thehideousbrightspotswherepictureshadhung,thesplinteredflooring,thegreat,
gauntwindowsandshegavein.Shehadmetwithsnubaftersnub,andcutaftercut,inhersocial
climb,shehadhadthecookquitinthemiddleofanimportantdinner,shehadhadeverydisconcerting
thingpossiblehappentoher,butthisthiswasthelastbaleofstraw.Shesatdownonasuitcase,in
themiddleofthebiggestroom,andcried!
Ralph,havingwaitedforthis,nowtoldaboutthefoodtransaction,andshehastilypushedthelast
comingtearbackintohereye.
"Good!"shecried."Theywillbeupheresoon.Theywillbecompelledtocompromise,andtheymust
notfindmewithredeyes."
Shecastahastyglancearoundtheroom,then,inasuddenpanic,seizedthecandleandexploredthe
othertwo.Shewentwildlyoutintothehall,backintothelittleroomoverthekitchen,downstairs,
everywhere,andreturnedinconsternation.
"There'snotasinglemirrorleftinthehouse!"shemoaned.
Ralphheartlesslygrinned.Hecouldappreciatethatthiswasacharacteristicwomantrick,and
wonderedadmiringlywhetherEvelynorhermotherhadthoughtofit.However,thiswasatimefor
action.
"I'llgetyousomewatertobatheyoureyes,"heoffered,andranintothelittleroomoverthekitchento
getapitcher.Acrackedshavingmugwastheonlyvesselthathadbeenleft,buthehurrieddowninto
theyardwithit.Thiswasnotimeforfastidiousness.
HehadbarelycreakedthepumphandlewhenMr.VanKamphurriedupfromthebarn.
"Ibegyourpardon,sir,"saidMr.VanKamp,"butthiswaterbelongstous.Mydaughterboughtit,all
thatisintheground,abovetheground,orthatmayfallfromtheskyuponthesepremises."
IX
Themutualsiegelasteduntilafterseveno'clock,butitwasratheronesided.TheVanKampscould
drinkallthewatertheyliked,itmadethemnohungrier.IftheEllsworthsateanything,however,they
grewthirstier,and,moreover,waterwasnecessaryifanythingworthwhilewastobecooked.They
knewallthis,andresisteduntilMrs.Ellsworthwastemptedandfell.Sheateasandwichandchoked.
Itwasheartbreaking,butRalphhadtobesentdownwithaplateofsandwichesandanoffertotrade
themforwater.
HalfwaybetweenthepumpandthehousehemetEvelyncomingwithasmallpailoftheprecious
fluid.Theybothstoppedstockstillthen,seeingthatitwastoolatetoretreat,bothlaughedand
advanced.
"Whowinsnow?"banteredRalphastheymadetheexchange.
"Itlookstomelikeamisdeal,"shegailyreplied,andwasmovingawaywhenhecalledherback.
"Youdon'thappentoknowtheGately's,ofNewYork,doyou?"hewasquiteanxioustoknow.
"Iamtrulysorry,butIamacquaintedwithsofewpeopleinNewYork.
140/170
2015.04.11.
WearefromChicago,youknow."
"Oh,"saidheblankly,andtookthewateruptotheEllsworthsuite.
Mrs.EllsworthcheeredupconsiderablywhensheheardthatRalphhadbeenmethalfway,buther
eyessnappedwhenheconfessedthatitwasMissVanKampwhohadmethim.
"Ihopeyouarenotgoingtocarryonaflirtationwiththatoverdressedcreature,"sheblazed.
"Whymother,"exclaimedRalph,shockedbeyondmeasure."Whatrighthaveyoutoaccuseeitherthis
youngladyormyselfofflirting?Flirting!"
Mrs.Ellsworthsuddenlyattackedthefirewithquiteunnecessaryenergy.
X
Downatthebarn,thewidethreshingfloorhadbeencoveredwithgayragrugs,andstrewnwith
tables,couches,andchairsinpicturesqueprofusion.Roomyboxstallshadbeencarpeteddeepwith
cleanstraw,curtainedoffwithgaudybedquilts,andconvertedintocozysleepingapartments.The
mowandthestallshadbeenscreenedoffwithlacecurtainsandblazingcounterpanes,andthewhole
effectwasoneofOrientalluxuryandsplendor.Alas,itwasonlyan"effect"!Theredhotparlorstove
smokedabominably,thepipecarriedothersmokeoutthroughthehawmowwindow,onlytoletit
blowbackagain.Chillcrossdraughtswhistledinfromcrackstoonumeroustobestoppedup,andthe
miserableVanKampscouldonlycoughandshiver,andenvytheTuttsandthedriver,non
combatantswhohadbeenfedtwohoursbefore.
Upinthesecondfloorsuitetherewasaroaringfireinthebigfireplace,buttherewasachillinthe
roomthatnomerefirecoulddriveawaythechillofabsoluteemptiness.
Amancanoutlivehardshipsthatwouldkillawoman,butawomancanendurediscomfortsthat
woulddriveamancrazy.
Mr.EllsworthwentouttohuntupUncleBilly,withanespecialsolaceinmind.Thelandlordwasnot
inthehouse,buttheyellowgleamofalanternrevealedhispresenceinthewoodshed,andMr.
Ellsworthsteppedinuponhimjustashewaspouringsomethingyellowandclearintoatumblerfrom
abigjugthathehadjusttakenfromundertheflooring.
"Howmuchdoyouwantforthatjuganditscontents?"heasked,withasighofgratitudethatthis
supplyhadbeenoverlooked.
BeforeMr.Tuttcouldanswer,Mr.VanKamphurriedinatthedoor.
"Waitamoment!"hecried."Iwanttobidonthat!"
"Thisherejughain'tfersaleatnoprice,"UncleBillyemphaticallyannounced,nippingall
negotiationsrightinthebud."It'stoopeskyhardtosneakthisherelickerinpastMarge't,butIreckon
it'smytreat,gents.Yekinhaveallyewant."
OneminutelaterMr.VanKampandMr.Ellsworthwereseated,oneonasawbuckandtheotherona
nailkeg,comfortablyeyeingeachotheracrosstheworkbench,andeachwasholdingupatumbler
141/170
2015.04.11.
onethirdfilledwiththegoldenyellowliquid.
"Yourhealth,sir,"courteouslyproposedMr.Ellsworth.
"Andtoyou,sir,"gravelyrepliedMr.VanKamp.
XI
RalphandEvelynhappenedtomeetatthepump,quiteaccidentally,aftertheformerhadmadehalfa
dozenfiveminuteaparttripsforadrink.ItwasMissVanKamp,thistime,whohadbeenstudyingon
themutualacquaintanceproblem.
"Youdon'thappentoknowtheTylers,ofParkersburg,doyou?"sheasked.
"TheTylers!IshouldsayIdo!"wastheunexpectedandenthusiasticreply."Why,weareonourway
nowtoMissGeorgianaTyler'sweddingtomyfriendJimmyCarston.I'mtobebestman."
"Howdelightful!"sheexclaimed."Weareonthewaythere,too.Georgianawasmydearestchumat
school,andIamtobeher'bestgirl.'"
"Let'sgoaroundontheporchandsitdown,"saidRalph.
XII
Mr.VanKamp,backinthewoodshed,lookedabouthimwithaneyeofcontent.
"Rathercozyforawoodshed,"heobserved."Iwonderifwecouldn'tscareupalittlesessionofdollar
limit?"
BothUncleBillyandMr.Ellsworthwerewilling.DeathandpokerlevelallAmericans.Afourthhand
wasneeded,however.Thestagedriverwasinbedandasleep,andMr.Ellsworthvolunteeredtofind
theextraplayer.
"I'llgetRalph,"hesaid."Heplaysafairlystiffgame."Hefinallyfoundhissonontheporch,
apparentlyalone,andstatedhiserrand.
"Thankyou,butIdon'tbelieveIcaretoplaythisevening,"wastheastoundingreply,andMr.
Ellsworthlookedcloser.Hemadeout,then,adimfigureontheothersideofRalph.
"Oh!Ofcoursenot!"heblundered,andwentbacktothewoodshed.
Threehandedpokerisamiserablegame,anditseldomlastslong.Itdidnotinthiscase.AfterUncle
Billyhadwontheonlyjackpotdeservingofthename,hewasallowedtogoblissfullytosleepwith
hishandonthehandleofthebigjug.
Afterpokerthereisonlyoneotheralwaysavailableamusementformen,andthatisbusiness.Thetwo
travelerswerequitewellacquaintedwhenRalphputhisheadinatthedoor.
"ThoughtI'dfindyouhere,"heexplained."Itjustoccurredtometowonderwhetheryougentlemen
haddiscovered,asyet,thatwearealltobehouseguestsattheCarstonTylerwedding."
"Why,no!"exclaimedhisfatherinpleasedsurprise."Itisamostagreeablecoincidence.Mr.Van
142/170
2015.04.11.
Kamp,allowmetointroducemyson,Ralph.Mr.VanKampandmyself,Ralph,havefoundoutthat
weshallbeconsiderablythrowntogetherinabusinesswayfromnowon.Hehasjustpurchased
controloftheMetropolitanandWesternstringofinterurbans."
"Delighted,I'msure,"murmuredRalph,shakinghands,andthenheslippedoutasquicklyaspossible.
Someoneseemedtobewaitingforhim.
Perhapsanothertwentyminuteshadpassed,whenoneofthemenhadanilluminatingideathat
resulted,lateron,inpleasantrelationsforallofthem.Itwasabouttime,forMrs.Ellsworth,upinthe
baresuite,andMrs.VanKamp,downinthedraughtybarn,bothwrappeduptothechinandbothstill
chilly,hadaboutreachedthelimitofpatienceandendurance.
"Whycan'twemakethingsalittlemorecomfortableforallconcerned?"suggestedMr.VanKamp.
"Suppose,asastarter,thatwehaveMrs.VanKampgiveashiverpartydowninthebarn?"
"Goodidea,"agreedMr.Ellsworth."Alittlediplomacywilldoit.Eachoneofuswillhavetotellhis
wifethattheotherfellowmadethefirstabjectovertures."
Mr.VanKampgrinnedunderstandingly,andagreedtotheinfamousruse.
"Bytheway,"continuedMr.Ellsworth,withastillhappierthought,"youmustallowMrs.Ellsworth
tofurnishthedinnerforMrs.VanKamp'sshiverparty."
"Dinner!"gaspedMr.VanKamp."Byallmeans!"
Bothmenfeltananxiousyawningintheregionoftheappetite,andayearningmoisturewettedtheir
tongues.TheylookedattheslumberingUncleBillyanddecidedtoseeMrs.Tuttthemselvesabouta
good,hotdinnerforsix.
"Lawme!"exclaimedAuntMargaretwhentheyappearedatthekitchendoor."IswanIthoughtyou
folks'u'dnevercometoyoresenses.HereI'vehadabigpoto'stewedchickenreadyonthestovefer
twomortalhours.Ikingiveyethat,an'smashedtatersan'chickengravy,an'driedcorn,an'hotcorn
pone,an'currantjell,an'strawberrypreserves,an'myowncannin'o'peaches,an'pumpkinpiean'
coffee.Willthatdoye?"Woulditdo!Woulditdo!!
AsAuntMargarettalked,thekitchendoorswungwide,andthetwomenwerestrickenspeechless
withastonishment.There,acrossfromeachotheratthekitchentable,sattheutterlyselfishand
traitorousyoungermembersoftherivalhousesofEllsworthandVanKamp,deepinthejoysof
chicken,andmashedpotatoes,andgravy,andhotcornpone,andalltheother"fixings,"laughingand
chattinggailylikechumsofyears'standing.Theyhadseeminglyjustcometoanagreementabout
somethingorother,forEvelyn,wavingtheshorterendofabrokenwishbone,wasvivaciouslysaying
toRalph:
"Abargain'sabargain,andIalwayssticktooneImake."
ACALL
ByGraceMacGowanCooke(1863)
[FromHarper'sMagazine,August,1906.Copyright,1906,byHarper&
Brothers.Republishedbytheauthor'spermission.]
Aboyinanunnaturallyclean,countrylaunderedcollarwalkeddownalongwhiteroad.Hescuffed
143/170
2015.04.11.
thedustupwantonly,forhewishedtoveilthealltoobrilliantpolishofhiscowhideshoes.Alsothe
memoryofthewhitenessandslipperinessofhiscollaroppressedhim.Hewasfaintolooklikeone
accustomedtosocialdiversions,amanhurriedfromhalltohallofpleasure,withouttimebetweento
changecollarorpolishboot.Hestoopedandrubbedacrumbofearthonhisoverfreshnecklinen.
Thisdidnotlongsustainhisdroopingspirit.HewasmentallyadriftupontheHintsandHelpsto
YoungMeninBusinessandSocialRelations,whichhadsuggestedtohimhispresententerprise,when
theappearanceofasecondyouth,tallerandbroaderthanhimself,withashockoflightcurlinghair
andacropoffrecklesthatadvertisedarichsoilthrewhimalifeline.Heputhisthumbstohislipsand
whistledinapeculiarlyearsplittingway.ThetwoboyshadsatonthesamebenchatSundayschool
notthreehoursbeforeyetwhatachangehadcomeovertheworldforoneofthemsincethen!
"Hello!Whereyougoin',Ab?"askedthenewcomer,gruffly.
"Callin',"repliedtheboyinthecollar,laconically,butwithcarefullyavertedgaze.
"Onthegirls?"inquiredtheother,awestruck.InMountPisgahyousawthegirlshomefromnight
church,socials,orpartiesyoucouldhangoverthegateandyoumightwalkwithagirlinthe
cemeteryofaSundayafternoonbuttoringafrontdoorbellandaskforMissHeart'sDesireonemust
havebeeninlongtrousersatleastthreeyearsandthetwoboysconfrontedinthedustyroadhad
wornthesedignifyinggarmentsbarelysixmonths.
"Girls,"saidAbner,loftily"Idon'tknowaboutgirlsI'mjustgoingtocallononegirlChampe
Claiborne."HemarchedonasthoughtheconversationwasatanendbutRosshunguponhisflank.
RossandChampewereneighbors,comradesinallsortsofmischiefhewasindoubtwhethertohalt
Abnerandpummelhim,orproposetoenlistunderhisbanner.
"Doyoureckonyoucould?"hedebated,trottingalongbytheirresponsiveJiltonboy.
"Runhometoyourmother,"growledtheoriginatoroftheplan,savagely."Youain'toldenoughto
callongirlsanybodycanseethatbutIam,andI'mgoingtocallonChampeClaiborne."
AgainthenameactedasaspuronRoss."Withyourcollarandbootsalldirty?"hejeered."Theywon't
knowyou'recallin'."
Theboyintheroadstoppedshortinhisdustytracks.Hewasanintensecreature,andhewhitenedat
thetragicinsinuation,longingforthewholesomestayandcompanionshipoffrecklefacedRoss."I
putthedirtono'purposeso'stolookkindofcareless,"hehalfwhispered,inanagonyofdoubt.
"S'poseI'dbettergointoyourhouseandtrytowashitoff?Reckonyourmotherwouldletme?"
"I'vegottwocleancollars,"announcedtheotherboy,proudlygenerous."I'lllendyouone.Youcan
putitonwhileI'mgettingready.I'lltellmotherthatwe'rejuststeppingouttodoalittlecallingonthe
girls."
Herewasanallyworthyofthecause.Abnerwelcomedhim,inspiteofcertainjealoustwinges.He
reflectedwithsatisfactionthatthereweretwoClaibornegirls,andthoughAliciawassostiffandprim
thatnoboywouldeverthinkofcallingonher,therewasstillthehopethatshemightdrawRoss'sfire,
andleavehim,Abner,tomakethenumerousremarkshehadstoredupinhismindfromHintsand
HelpstoYoungMeninSocialandBusinessRelationstoChampealone.
Mrs.Pryorreceivedthemwiththeeasygoingkindnessofthemotherofoneson.Shefollowedthem
intothediningroomtokissandfeedhim,withanabsent"Howdy,Abnerhow'syourmother?"
Abner,bigwiththeimportanceoftheirmutualintention,inclinedhisheadstifflyandlookedtoward
Rossforexplanation.Hetrembledalittle,butitwaswithdelight,asheanticipatedtheeffectofthe
144/170
2015.04.11.
speechRosshadoutlined.Butitdidnotcome.
"I'mnothungry,mother,"wastherevisededitionwhichthefrecklefacedboyofferedtothematernal
ear."IwearegoingovertoMr.Claiborne'soneronanerrandforAbner'sfather."
TheblackeyedboylookedreproachastheyclatteredupthestairstoRoss'sroom,wheretheclean
collarwasproducedandasmallstockofties.
"You'dwearanecktiewouldn'tyou?"Rossasked,spreadingthemuponthebureautop.
"Yes.Butmakeitfallcarelesslyoveryourshirtfront,"advisedthestudentofHintsandHelps."Your
collarismilestoobigforme.Say!I'vegotawadofwhitechewinggumwouldyouflatitoutand
stickitoverthecollarbutton?Maybethatwouldfillupsome.Youkickmyfootifyouseemeturning
myheadso'stoknockitoff."
"Betterbuttonupyourvest,"cautionedRoss,laboringwiththe"careless"fallofhistie.
"Huhuh!Iwant'thateasyairwhichpresupposesfamiliaritywithsociety'that'swhatitsaysinmy
book,"objectedAbner.
"Sure!"Rossreturnedtohismorefamiliarjeeringattitude."Loosenupallyourclothes,then.Why
don'tyouuntieyourshoes?Flopasockdownoveroneof'emthatlooks'easy'allright."
Abnerbuttonedhisvest."Itgivesamanlotsofconfidencetoknowhe'sgoodlooking,"heremarked,
takingalltheroominfrontofthemirror.
Ross,atthewashstandsoakinghishairtogetthecurloutofit,grumbledsomeunintelligible
response.Thetwoboyswentdownthestairswithtremuloushearts.
"Why,you'veputonanothercleanshirt,Rossie!"Mrs.Pryorcalledfromherchairmothers'eyescan
seesofar!"Welldon'tgetintoanydirtyplayandsoilit."Theboyswalkedinsilencebutitwasa
pregnantsilenceforastheroofoftheClaibornehousebegantopeerabovethecrestofthehill,Ross
plumpeddownonastoneandannounced,"Iain'tgoin'."
"Comeon,"urgedtheblackeyedboy."It'llbefunandeverybodywillrespectusmore.Champe
won'tthrowrocksatusinrecesstime,afterwe'vecalledonher.Shecouldn't."
"Called!"gruntedRoss."Icouldn'tmakeacallanymorethanacow.What'dIsay?What'dIdo?Ican
behaveallrightwhenyoujustgotopeople'shousesbutacall!"
Abnerhesitated.Shouldhegiveawayhisbrilliantinsideinformation,drawnfromtheHintsandHelps
book,andberivalledinthegloryofhismannersandbearing?Whyshouldhenotpassonalone,
perfectlycomposed,andreapthefieldofgloryunsupported?Hiskneesgavewayandhesatdown
withoutintendingit.
"Don'tyoutellanybodyandI'llputyouontoexactlywhatgrownupgentlemensayanddowhenthey
gocallingonthegirls,"hebegan.
"Fireaway,"retortedRoss,gloomily."Nobodywillfindoutfromme.Deadmentellnotales.IfI'm
foolenoughtogo,Idon'texpecttocomeoutofitalive."
Abnerrose,whiteandshaking,andthrustingthreefingersintothebuttoningofhisvest,extendingthe
otherhandlikeanorator,proceededtoinstructthefreckled,perspiringdiscipleathisfeet.
"'Hangyourhatontherack,orgiveittoaservant.'"Rossnoddedintelligently.Hecoulddothat.
145/170
2015.04.11.
"'Letyourlegsbegracefullydisposed,onehandontheknee,theother'"
Abnercametoanunhappypause."Iforgetwhatafellowdoeswiththeotherhand.Mightstickitin
yourpocket,loudly,orexpectorateonthecarpet.Indulgeinlittlefrivolity.Letarichstreamof
conversationflow.'"
Rossmentallydugwithinhimselfforsourcesofrichstreamsofconversation.Hefoundadrysoil.
"Whatyougoin'totalkabout?"hedemanded,fretfully."Iwon'tgoastepfarthertillIknowwhatI'm
goin'tosaywhenIgetthere."
AbnerbegantorepeatparagraphsfromHintsandHelps."'Itisbesttoremark,'"heopened,inan
unnaturalvoice,"'Howwellyouarelooking!'althoughfulsomecomplimentsshouldbeavoided.
Whenseatedasktheyoungladywhoherfavoritecomposeris.'"
"What'sacomposer?"inquiredRoss,withvisionsofsoothingsyrupinhismind.
"Amanthatmakesupmusic.Don'tbuttinthatwayyouputmeallout'composeris.Nameyours.
Askherwhatpieceofmusicshelikesbest.Nameyours.Iftheladyismusical,hereaskhertoplayor
sing.'"
Thischantedrecitationseemedtohaveahypnoticeffectonthefreckledboyhisbigpupilscontracted
eachtimeAbnercametotherepetend,"Nameyours."
"I'mtiredalready,"hegrumbledbutsomespellmadehimriseandfarefarther.
WhentheyhadenteredtheClaibornegate,theyleanedtowardeachotherlikeyoungsaplings
weakenedattherootandlockingbranchestokeepwhatshallowfootholdonearthremained.
"You'regoin'infirst,"assertedRoss,butwithoutconviction.Itwashiscustomtotearuptothishouse
adozentimesaweek,onhisfather'soldhorseorafoothewaswonttoyellforChampeashe
approached,andquarreljoyouslywithherwhileheperformedsucherrandashehadcomeuponbut
hewasgaggedandhamstrungnowbythehypnotismofAbner'sscheme.
"'Walkquietlyupthestepsringthebellandlayyourcardontheservant,'"quotedAbner,whohad
neverheardofaserver.
"'Layyourcardontheservant!'"echoedRoss."Cady'ddodge.There'saporchtocrossafteryougoup
thestepsdoesitsayanythingaboutthat?"
"Itsaysthatthecardshouldbeplacedontheservant,"Abner
reiterated,doggedly."IfCadydodges,itain'tanybusinessofmine.
Therearenoporchesinmybook.Justwalkacrossitlikeanybody.
We'llaskforMissChampeClaiborne."
"Wehaven'tgotanycards,"discoveredRoss,withhope.
"Ihave,"announcedAbner,pompously."Ihadsomestruckoffin
Chicago.Iordered'embymail.TheygotmynamePillow,butthere'sa
scallopedgiltborderaroundit.Youcanwriteyournameonmycard.
Gotapencil?"
HeproducedthebitofcardboardRossfishedupachewedstumpofleadpencil,tookitincold,stiff
fingers,anddisfiguredthesquarewitheccentricscribblings.
"They'llknowwhoit'smeantfor,"hesaid,apologetically,"because
I'mhere.What'slikelytohappenafterwegetridofthecard?"
146/170
2015.04.11.
"Itoldyouabouthangingyourhatontherackanddisposingyourlegs."
"Iremembernow,"sighedRoss.Theyhadbeengoingslowerandslower.Theangleofinclination
towardeachotherbecamemoreandmorepronounced.
"Wemuststandbyeachother,"whisperedAbner.
"IwillifIcanstandatall,"murmuredtheotherboy,huskily.
"Oh,Lord!"TheyhadroundedthebigclumpofevergreensandfoundAuntMissouriClaiborne
placidlyrockingonthefrontporch!Directedtomountstepsandringbell,tolaycardsuponthe
servant,howshouldonedealwitharosyfaced,plumpladyofuncertainyearsinarockingchair.
Whatshouldacallerlayuponher?Alioninthewaycouldnothavebeenmoreterrifying.Even
retreatwascutoff.AuntMissourihadseenthem."Howdy,boyshowareyou?"shesaid,rocking
peacefully.Thetwostoodbeforeherlikedetectedcriminals.
Then,toRoss'sdismay,Abnersankdownontheloweststepoftheporch,thewesteringsunfullinhis
hopelesseyes.Hesatonhiscap.Itwascharacteristicthatthefreckledboyremainedstanding.He
wouldwalkupthosestepsaccordingtoplanandagreement,ifatall.Heacceptednocompromise.
Foldinghisstrawhatintoabatteredcone,hewatchedanxiouslyforthedeliveryofthecard.Hewas
notsurewhatAuntMissouri'sattitudemightbeifitwerelaidonher.Hebentdowntohiscompanion.
"Goahead,"hewhispered."Laythecard."
Abnerraisedappealingeyes."Inaminute.Givemetime,"hepleaded.
"Mars'RossMars'Ross!Head'emoff!"soundedayell,andBabe,thehouseboy,camearoundthe
porchinpursuitoftwohalfgrownchickens.
"Helphim,Rossie,"promptedAuntMissouri,sharply."Youboyscanstaytosupperandhavesomeof
thechickenifyouhelpcatchthem."
HadRosstakentimetothink,hemighthavereflectedthatgentlemenmakingformalcallsseldomjoin
inachaseafterthemaindishofthefamilysupper.ButtheneedsofBabewereinstant.Theladflung
himselfsidewise,caughtonechickeninhishat,whileBabefellupontheotherinthemannerofa
footballplayer.Rosshandedthepullettothehouseboy,fearingthathehaddonesomethingvery
muchoutofcharacter,thenpulledthereluctantnegrotowardtothesteps.
"Babe'saservant,"hewhisperedtoAbner,whohadsatrigidthroughtheentireperformance."I
helpedhimwiththechickens,andhe'sgottostandgentlewhileyoulaythecardon."
Confrontedbytheactitself,Abnerwassuddenlyawarethatheknewnothowtobegin.Hetook
refugeindissimulation.
"Hush!"hewhisperedback."Don'tyouseeMr.Claiborne'scomeout?He'sgoingtoreadsomething
tous."
Rossplumpeddownbesidehim."Nevermindthecardtell'em,"heurged.
"Tell'emyourself."
"Nolet'scutandrun."
"IIthinktheworstofitisover.WhenChampeseesusshe'll"
MentionofChampestiffenedRoss'sspine.Ifithadbeenglorioustocalluponher,howveryterrible
shewouldmakeitshouldtheyattemptcalling,fail,andthefailurecometoherknowledge!Some
147/170
2015.04.11.
thingswereeasiertoendurethanothersheresolvedtostaytillthecallwasmade.
Forhalfanhourtheboyssatwithdroopingheads,andtheoldgentlemanreadaloud,presumablyto
AuntMissouriandthemselves.FinallytheirrestlesseyesdiscernedthetwoClaibornegirlswalking
sereneinSundaytrimunderthetreesattheedgeofthelawn.Armsentwined,theywerewhispering
togetherandgigglingalittle.Acaller,Rossdarednotusehisvoicetoshoutnorhislegstoruntoward
them.
"Whydon'tyougoandtalktothegirls,Rossie?"AuntMissouriasked,inthekindnessofherheart.
"Don'tbenoisyit'sSunday,youknowanddon'tgettoplayinganythingthat'lldirtyupyourgood
clothes."
Rosspressedhislipshardtogetherhisheartswelledwiththerageofthemisunderstood.Hadthecard
beeninhispossession,hewould,atthatinstant,havelaiditonAuntMissouriwithoutaqualm.
"Whatisit?"demandedtheoldgentleman,abittestily.
"Thegirlswanttohearyouread,father,"saidAuntMissouri,shrewdlyandshegotupandtrottedon
short,fatanklestothegirlsinthearbor.Thethreereturnedtogether,Aliciacastingcuriousglancesat
theuncomfortableyouths,Champethreateningtoburstintogiggleswitheverybreath.
Abnersathardonhiscapandblushedsilently.Rosstwistedhishatintoathreecorneredwreck.
Thetwogirlssettledthemselvesnoisilyontheupperstep.Theoldmanreadonandon.Thesunsank
lower.Thehillswereredinthewestasthoughabrushfireflamedbehindtheircrests.Abnerstolea
furtiveglanceathiscompanioninmisery,andthedolorofRoss'scountenancesomewhatassuagedhis
anguish.Thefrecklefacedboywasthinkingofthevillageoverthehill,acertainpleasantwhitehouse
setbackinagreenyard,pastwhosegate,thetwoplanksidewalkran.Heknewlampswerebeginning
towinkinthewindowsoftheneighborsabout,asthoughthehousessaid,"Ourboysareallathome
butRossPryor'souttryingtocallonthegirls,andcan'tgetanybodytounderstandit."Oh,thathe
werewalkingdownthosetwoplanks,drawingastickacrossthepickets,liftinghighhappyfeetwhich
couldturninatthatgate!Hewouldn'tcarewhatthelampssaidthen.Hewouldn'tevenmindifthe
wholeClaibornefamilydiedlaughingathimifonlysomepowerwouldraisehimupfromthis
paralyzingspotandputhimbehindthesafebarriersofhisownhome!
Theoldman'svoicelapsedintosilencethelightwasbecomingtoodimforhisreading.Aunt
Missouriturnedandcalledoverhershoulderintotheshadowsofthebighall:"YouBabe!Goputtwo
extraplatesonthesuppertable."
Theboysgrewredfromthetipsoftheirears,andasfarasanyonecouldseeundertheirwilting
collars.Abnerfeltthelumpofgumcomelooseandslipdownacoldspine.Hadtheirintentionsbut
beenknown,thisinferentialinvitationwouldhavebeenmostwelcome.Itwasbuttoriseupand
thunderout,"Wecametocallontheyoungladies."
Theydidnotrise.Theydidnotthunderoutanything.Babebroughtalampandsetitinsidethe
window,andMr.Claiborneresumedhisreading.ChampegiggledandsaidthatAliciamadeher.
Alciadrewherskirtsabouther,sniffed,andlookedvirtuous,andsaidshedidn'tseeanythingfunnyto
laughat.Thesupperbellrang.Thefamily,evidentlytakingitforgrantedthattheboyswouldfollow,
wentin.
Aloneforthefirsttime,Abnergaveup."Thisain'tanyuse,"hecomplained."Weain'tcallingon
anybody."
"Whydidn'tyoulayonthecard?"demandedRoss,fiercely."Whydidn'tyousay:'We'vejust
droppedintocallonMissChampe.It'sapleasantevening.Wefeelwemustbegoing,'likeyou
148/170
2015.04.11.
saidyouwould?Thenwecouldhaveliftedourhatsandgotawaydecently."
Abnershowednoresentment.
"Oh,ifit'ssoeasy,whydidn'tyoudoityourself?"hegroaned.
"Somebody'scoming,"Rossmuttered,hoarsely."Sayitnow.Sayitquick."
ThesomebodyprovedtobeAuntMissouri,whoadvancedonlyasfarastheendofthehalland
shoutedcheerfully:"Theideaofagrowingboynotcomingtomealswhenthebellrings!Ithought
youtwowouldbeinthereaheadofus.Comeon."Andclingingtotheirheadcoveringsasthough
thesecontainedsomecharmwherebytheownersmightberescued,theunhappycallerswereherded
intothediningroom.Thereweremanythingsonthetablethatboyslike.Bothwerebecomingfairly
cheerful,whenAuntMissouricheckedthebiscuitplatewith:"Itreatmyneighbors'childrenjustlike
I'dwantchildrenofmyowntreated.Ifyourmothersletyoueatallyouwant,sayso,andIdon'tcare
butifeitherofthemisalittlebitparticular,why,I'dstopatsix!"
Stillreelingfromthisblow,theboysfinallyrosefromthetableandpassedoutwiththefamily,their
hatsclutchedtotheirbosoms,andclingingtogetherformutualaidandcomfort.Duringtheusual
SundayeveningsingingChampelaughedtillAuntMissourithreatenedtosendhertobed.Abner's
cardslippedfromhishandanddroppedfaceuponthefloor.Hefelluponitandtoreitinto
infinitesimalpieces.
"Thatmusthavebeenaloveletter,"saidAuntMissouri,inapauseofthemusic."Youboysare
getting'mostoldenoughtothinkaboutbeginningtocallonthegirls."Hereyestwinkled.
Rossgrowledlikeastonedcur.AbnertookasuddendiveintoHintsandHelps,andcameupwith,
"Youflatterus,MissClaiborne,"whereatRosssnickeredoutlikeahumanboy.Theyallstaredathim.
"ItsoundssofunnytocallAuntMissouri'Mis'Claiborne,'"theladofthefrecklesexplained.
"Funny?"AuntMissourireddened."Idon'tseeanyparticularjokeinmyhavingmymaidenname."
Abner,whoinstantlyguessedatwhatwasinRoss'smind,turnedwhiteatthethoughtofwhatthey
hadescaped.SupposehehadlaidonthecardandaskedforMissClaiborne!
"What'sthematter,Champe?"inquiredRoss,inafairlynaturaltone.Theairhehaddrawnintohis
lungswhenhelaughedatAbnerseemedtorelievehimfromthenumbinggentilitywhichhadbound
hispowerssincehejoinedAbner'sranks.
"Nothing.Ilaughedbecauseyoulaughed,"saidthegirl.
Thesingingwentforwardfitfully.Servantstraipsedthroughthedarkenedyard,goinghomefor
Sundaynight.AuntMissouriwentoutandheldsomelowtonedparleywiththem.Champeyawned
withinsultingenthusiasm.Presentlybothgirlsquietlydisappeared.AuntMissourineverreturnedto
theparlorevidentlythinkingthatthegirlswouldattendtothefinalamenitieswiththeircallers.They
wereleftalonewitholdMr.Claiborne.Theysatasthoughboundintheirchairs,whiletheoldman
readinsilenceforawhile.Finallyheclosedhisbook,glancedabouthim,andobservedabsently:
"Soyouboysweretospendthenight?"Then,ashelookedattheirstartledfaces:"I'mright,amInot?
Youaretospentthenight?"
Oh,forcouragetosay:"Thankyou,no.We'llbegoingnow.WejustcameovertocallonMiss
Champe."Butthoughtofhowthiswouldsoundinfaceofthefacts,thepainfulrealizationthatthey
darednotsayitbecausetheyhadnotsaidit,lockedtheirlips.Theirfeetwereleadtheirtonguesstiff
andtoolargefortheirmouths.Likecreaturesinanightmare,theymovedstiffly,onemighthavesaid
149/170
2015.04.11.
creakingly,upthestairsandreceivedeachabedroomcandle!
"Goodnight,children,"saidtheabsentmindedoldman.Thetwogurgledoutsomesoundswhich
wereintendedforwordsanddogedbehindthebedroomdoor.
"They'veputustobed!"Abner'sblackeyesflashedfire.HisnervoushandsclutchedatthecollarRoss
hadlenthim."That'swhatIgetforcomingherewithyou,RossPryor!"Andtearsofhumiliation
stoodinhiseyes.
InhisturnRossshowednoresentment."WhatI'mworriedaboutismymother,"heconfessed."She's
sosharpaboutfindingoutthings.Shewouldn'tteasemeshe'djustbesorryforme.Butshe'llthinkI
wenthomewithyou."
"I'dliketoseemymothermakeafussaboutmycallingonthegirls!"growledAbner,gladtolethis
ragetakeasafedirection.
"Callingonthegirls!Havewecalledonanygirls?"demandedclearheaded,honestRoss.
"Notexactlyyet,"admittedAbner,reluctantly."Comeonlet'sgotobed.Mr.Claiborneaskedus,
andhe'stheheadofthishousehold.Itisn'tanybody'sbusinesswhatwecamefor."
"I'llslipoffmyshoesandliedowntillBabetiesupthedoginthemorning,"saidRoss."Thenwecan
getawaybeforeanyofthefamilyisup."
Oh,youthyouthyouth,withitsrashpromises!Wornoutwithmiserytheboyssleptheavily.The
firstsoundthateitherheardinthemorningwasBabehammeringupontheirbedroomdoor.They
crouchedguiltilyandlookedintoeachother'seyes."Letpretendweain'thereandhe'llgoaway,"
breathedAbner.
ButBabewasmadeofsternerstuff.Herattledtheknob.Heturnedit.
Heputinablackfacewithagrinwhichdivideditfromeartoear.
"CadysayImus'calldemfoolboystobreakfus',"heannounced."I
nevernamedyoualldat.Cady,shesaydat."
"Breakfast!"echoedRoss,inadaze.
"Yessuh,breakfus',"reassertedBabe,comingentirelyintotheroomandlookingcuriouslyabouthim.
"Ain'tyoualldonebeentobedatall?"wrappinghisarmsabouthisshouldersandshakingwithsilent
ecstasiesofmirth.Theboysthrewthemselvesuponhimandejectedhim.
"Sentupaservanttocallustobreakfast,"snarledAbner."Ifthey'donlysenttheiroldservanttothe
doorinthefirstplace,allthiswouldn't'a'happened.I'mjustthatwaywhenIgetthrownoffthetrack.
YouknowhowitwaswhenItriedtorepeatthosethingstoyouIhadtogoclearbacktothe
beginningwhenIgotinterrupted."
"Doesthatmeanthatyou'restillhangingaroundheretobeginoverandmakeacall?"askedRoss,
darkly."Iwon'tgodowntobreakfastifyouare."
AbnerbrightenedalittleashesawRossbecomingwordyinhisrage.
"Idareyoutowalkdownstairsandsay,
'WejustdroppedintocallonMissChampe'!"hesaid.
"IohIdarnitall!theregoesthesecondbell.Wemayaswelltrotdown."
"Don'tleaveme,Ross,"pleadedtheJiltonboy."Ican'tstayhereandIcan'tgodown."
150/170
2015.04.11.
Thetonewashysterical.Theboywithfrecklestookhiscompanionbythearmwithoutanotherword
andmarchedhimdownthestairs."WemaygetachanceyettocallonChampeallbyherselfouton
theporchorinthearborbeforeshegoestoschool,"hesuggested,bywayofputtingsomespineinto
theblackeyedboy.
Anemphaticbellrangwhentheywerehalfwaydownthestairs.Clutchingtheirhats,theyslunkinto
thediningroom.EvenMr.Claiborneseemedtonoticesomethingunusualintheirbearingasthey
settledintothechairsassignedtothem,andaskedthemkindlyiftheyhadsleptwell.
ItwasplainthatAuntMissourihadbeenpostinghimastoherunderstandingoftheintentionsofthese
youngmen.Thestateofaffairsgaveanelectrichilaritytotheatmosphere.Babetravelledfromthe
sideboardtothetable,tremblinglikechocolatepudding.Cadyinsistedonbringinginthecakes
herself,andgrinnedasshewhiskedherstarchedblueskirtsinandoutofthediningroom.Adimple
evenshoweditselfatthecornersofprettyAlicia'sprimlittlemouth.Champegiggled,tillRossheard
Cadywhisper:
"Nowyougotonedemsnickerin'spellsagin.Yougwinebustyo'dressbuttonsoffinthebackefyou
don'tmind."
Asthespiritsofthoseaboutthemmounted,theheartsofthetwoyouthssankifitwaslikethis
amongtheClaibornes,whatwoulditbeatschoolandintheworldatlargewhentheirfailureto
connectintentionwithresultbecamevillagetalk?Rossbitfiercelyuponanunoffendingbattercake,
andresolvedtomakeacallsinglehandedbeforeheleftthehouse.
Theywentoutofthediningroom,theirhatsaseverpressedtotheirbreasts.Withnovolitionoftheir
own,theiruncertainyounglegscarriedthemtotheporch.TheClaibornefamilyandhousehold
followedlikesmallboysafteracircusprocession.Whenthetwoturned,atbay,yetwithnothing
betweenthemandlibertybutahypnotismoftheirownsuggestion,theysawtheblackfacesofthe
servantspeeringoverthefamilyshoulders.
Rosswastheboytohavedrawncouragefromthedesperationoftheircase,andmadesomedecentif
notgloriousending.Butatthepsychologicalmomenttherecamearoundthecornerofthehousethat
mostcontemptiblefigureknowntotheSouthernplantation,ashirtboyacreaturewhomaybe
described,forthebenefitofthosenotinformed,asapickaninnycladonlyinalong,coarsecotton
shirt.Whilealleyeswerefasteneduponhimthisingloriousambassadorboltedforthhismessage:
"Yo'masay"hiseyeswerefixeduponAbner"efyo'don'comehome,shegwinecomeafteryo'
an'cutyo'intoinchpieceswidarawhidewhenshegityo'.DatjestwhatMissHortensesay."
AsthoughsuchabookasHintsandHelpshadneverexisted,Abnershotforthegatehewasbuta
hobbledehoyfascinatedwiththeideaofplayinggentleman.ButinRosstherewerethemakingsofa
man.Forafewhalfheartedpaces,underthefirstimpulseofhorror,hefollowedhisdesertingchief,
thelaughterofthefamily,theunrestrainableguffawsofthenegroes,soundingintherear.Butwhen
Champe'shigh,offensivegiggle,toppingalltheothers,insultedhisears,hestoppeddead,wheeled,
andrantotheporchfasterthanhehadfledfromit.Whiteaspaper,shakingwithinexpressiblerage,
hecaughtandkissedthetitteringgirl,violently,noisily,beforethemall.
ThenegroesfledtheydarednottrusttheirfeelingsevenAliciasniggeredunobtrusively
GrandfatherClaibornechuckled,andAuntMissourifranklycollapsedintoherrockingchair,
bubblingwithmirth,cryingout:
"Goodforyou,Ross!Seemsyoudidknowhowtocallonthegirls,afterall."
ButRoss,payingnoattention,walkedswiftlytowardthegate.Hehadservedhisnovitiate.Hewould
neverbeafraidagain.Withcheerfulalacrityhedodgedthestonesflungafterhimwithfriendly,erratic
151/170
2015.04.11.
aimbythegirluponwhom,yesterdayafternoon,hehadcometomakeasocialcall.
HOWTHEWIDOWWONTHEDEACON
ByWilliamJamesLampton(1917)
[FromHarper'sBazaar,April,1911copyright,1911,byHarper&
Brothersrepublishedbypermission.]
OfcoursetheWidowStimsonnevertriedtowinDeaconHawkins,noranyotherman,forthatmatter.
Awidowdoesn'thavetotrytowinamanshewinswithouttrying.Still,theWidowStimson
sometimeswonderedwhythedeaconwassoblindasnottoseehowherfinefarmadjoininghis
equallyfineplaceontheoutskirtsofthetownmightnotbebroughtunderonemanagementwith
mutualbenefittobothpartiesatinterest.Whichonethatmanagementmightbecomewasamatterof
futuredetail.Thewidowknewhowtorunafarmsuccessfully,andalargefarmisnotmuchmore
difficulttorunthanoneofhalfthesize.Shehadalsohadonehusband,andknewsomethingmore
thanrunningafarmsuccessfully.Ofallofwhichthedeaconwasperfectlywellaware,andstillhehad
notbeenmovedbythemergingspiritoftheagetoproposeconsolidation.
ThisinterestingsituationwasupfordiscussionattheWednesdayafternoonmeetingoftheSisters'
SewingSociety.
"Formypart,"SisterSusanSpicer,wifeoftheMethodistminister,remarkedasshetookanothertuck
inafourteenyearoldgirl'sskirtforatenyearold"formypart,Ican'tseewhyDeaconHawkins
andKateStimsondon'tseetheerroroftheirwaysanddepartfromthem."
"Iratherguessshehas,"smiledSisterPoteet,thegrocer'sbetterhalf,whohadtakenanafternoonoff
fromthestoreinordertobepresent.
"Oriswillingto,"addedSisterMariaCartridge,aspinsterstillpossessingfaith,hope,andcharity,
notwithstandingshehadbeenonthewaitinglistalongtime.
"Really,now,"exclaimedlittleSisterGreen,thedoctor'swife,"doyouthinkitisthedeaconwho
needsurging?"
"Itlooksthatwaytome,"SisterPoteetdidnothesitatetoaffirm.
"Well,IheardSisterClarksaythatshehadheardhimcallher
'Kitty'onenightwhentheywereeatingicecreamattheMite
Society,"SisterCandish,thedruggist'swife,addedtothefundof
reliableinformationonhand.
"'Kitty,'indeed!"protestedSisterSpicer."TheideaofanybodycallingKateStimson'Kitty'!The
deaconwilltalkthatwayto'mostanywoman,butifshelethimsayittohermorethanonce,shemust
begettingmightyanxious,Ithink."
"Oh,"SisterCandishhastenedtoexplain,"SisterClarkdidn'tsayshehadheardhimsayittwice.'"
"Well,Idon'tthinksheheardhimsayitonce,"SisterSpicerassertedwithconfidence.
"Idon'tknowaboutthat,"SisterPoteetargued."FromallIcanseeandhearIthinkKateStimson
wouldn'tobjectto'mostanythingthedeaconwouldsaytoher,knowingasshedoesthatheain'tgoing
tosayanythingheshouldn'tsay."
152/170
2015.04.11.
"Andisn'tsayingwhatheshould,"addedSisterGreen,withaslysnicker,whichwentaroundthe
roomsoftly.
"ButasIwassaying"SisterSpicerbegan,whenSisterPoteet,whoserocker,nearthewindow,
commandedaviewofthefrontgate,interruptedwithawarning,"'Sh'sh."
"Whyshouldn'tIsaywhatIwantedtowhen"SisterSpicerbegan.
"Thereshecomesnow,"explainedSisterPoteet,"andasIlivethedeacondroveherhereinhissleigh,
andhe'swaitingwhileshecomesin.Iwonderwhatnext,"andSisterPoteet,inconjunctionwiththe
entiresociety,gaspedandheldtheireagerbreaths,awaitingtheentranceofthesubjectof
conversation.
SisterSpicerwenttothefrontdoortoletherin,andshewasgreetedwiththegreatestcordialityby
everybody.
"Wewerejusttalkingaboutyouandwonderingwhyyouweresolatecoming,"criedSisterPoteet.
"Nowtakeoffyourthingsandmakeupforlosttime.There'sapairofpantsovertheretobecutdown
tofitthatpoorlittleSnithersboy."
Theexcitementandcuriosityofthesocietywerealmostmorethancouldbeborne,butneverasister
letonthatsheknewthedeaconwasatthegatewaiting.Indeed,asfarasthewidowcoulddiscover,
therewasnottheslightestindicationthatanybodyhadeverheardtherewassuchapersonasthe
deaconinexistence.
"Oh,"shechirruped,intheliveliestofhumors,"youwillhavetoexcusemefortoday.Deacon
Hawkinsovertookmeonthewayhere,andheresaidIhadsimplygottogosleighridingwithhim.
He'swaitingoutatthegatenow."
"Isthatso?"exclaimedthesocietyunanimously,andrushedtothewindowtoseeifitwerereallytrue.
"Well,didyouever?"commentedSisterPoteet,generally.
"Hardlyever,"laughedthewidow,goodnaturedly,"andIdon'twanttolosethechance.Youknow
DeaconHawkinsisn'taskingsomebodyeverydaytogosleighingwithhim.ItoldhimI'dgoifhe
wouldbringmearoundheretoletyouknowwhathadbecomeofme,andsohedid.Now,goodby,
andI'llbesuretobepresentatthenextmeeting.Ihavetohurrybecausehe'llgetfidgety."
Thewidowranawaylikealivelyschoolgirl.Allthesisterswatchedhergetintothesleighwiththe
deacon,andresumedthepreviousdiscussionwithgreatlyincreasedinterest.
Butlittlereckedthewidowandlessreckedthedeacon.Hehadboughtanewhorseandhewantedthe
widow'sopinionofit,fortheWidowStimsonwasacompetentjudgeoffinehorseflesh.IfDeacon
Hawkinshadoneinsatiableambitionitwastoownahorsewhichcouldflingitsheelsinthefaceof
thebestthatSquireHopkinsdrove.Inhisearlymanhoodthedeaconwasnodeaconbyagreatdeal.
Butastheyearsgatheredinbehindhimheputoffmostofthefrivolitiesofyouthandheldnowonly
totheoneofdrivingafasthorse.NoothermaninthecountydroveanythingfasterexceptSquire
Hopkins,andhimthedeaconhadnotbeenabletothrowthedustover.Thedeaconwouldgetgood
ones,butsomehownevercouldhefindonethatthesquiredidn'tgetabetter.Thesquirehadalsoin
theearlydaysbeatenthedeaconintheraceforacertainprettygirlhedreamedabout.Butthegirland
thesquirehadlivedhappilyeverafterandthedeacon,beingaphilosopher,mighthaveforgottenthe
squire'ssuperiorityhaditbeenmanifestedinthisoneregardonly.Butinhorses,toothatgraveled
thedeacon.
"Howmuchdidyougiveforhim?"wasthewidow'sfirstquery,aftertheyhadreachedastretchof
153/170
2015.04.11.
roadthatwasgoodgoingandthedeaconhadlethimoutforalengthortwo.
"Well,whatdoyousuppose?You'reajudge."
"MorethanIwouldgive,I'llbetacookie."
"NotifyouwasasanxiousasIamtoshowHopkinsthathecan'tdrivebyeverythingonthepike."
"Ithoughtyoulovedagoodhorsebecausehewasagoodhorse,"saidthewidow,rather
disapprovingly.
"Ido,butIcouldlovehimagooddealharderifhewouldstayinfrontofHopkins'sbest."
"Doesheknowyou'vegotthisone?"
"Yes,andhe'sbeenblowingroundtownthatheiswaitingtopickmeupontheroadsomedayand
makemyfivehundreddollarslooklikeapewterquarter."
"Soyougavefivehundreddollarsforhim,didyou?"laughedthewidow.
"Isittoomuch?"
"Umer,"hesitatedthewidow,glancingalongthegracefullinesofthepowerfultrotter,"Isupposenot
ifyoucanbeatthesquire."
"Rightyouare,"crowedthedeacon,"andI'llshowhimathingortwoingettingovertheground,"he
addedwithswellingpride.
"Well,Ihopehewon'tbeoutlookingforyoutoday,withmeinyoursleigh,"saidthewidow,almost
apprehensively,"because,youknow,deacon,IhavealwayswantedyoutobeatSquireHopkins."
Thedeaconlookedathersharply.Therewasasoftnessinhertonesthatappealedtohim,evenifshe
hadnotexpressedsuchagreeablesentiments.Justwhatthedeaconmighthavesaidordoneafterthe
impulsehadbeensetgoingmustremainunknown,foratthecrucialmomentasoundofmilitantbells,
bellsofdefiance,jangledupbehindthem,disturbingtheirpersonalabsorption,andtheylooked
aroundsimultaneously.Behindthebellswasthesquireinhissleighdrawnbyhisfasteststepper,and
hewasalone,asthedeaconwasnot.Thewidowweighedonehundredandsixtypounds,netwhich
isweightingahorseinaracerathermorethanthelawallows.
Butthedeaconneverthoughtofthat.Forgettingeverythingexcepthischerishedambition,hebraced
himselfforthecontest,tookatwistholdonthelines,sentasharp,quickcalltohishorse,andlethim
outforallthatwasinhim.Thesquirefollowedsuitandthedeacon.Theroadwaswideandthesnow
wasworndownsmooth.Thetrackcouldn'thavebeeninbettercondition.TheHopkinscolorswere
notfiverodsbehindtheHawkinscolorsastheygotaway.Forhalfamileitwasnipandtuck,the
deaconencouraginghishorseandthewidowencouragingthedeacon,andthenthesquirebegan
creepingup.Thedeacon'shorsewasagoodone,buthewasnotaccustomedtohaulingfreightina
race.Ahalfmileofitwasasmuchashecouldstand,andheweakenedunderthestrain.
Nothandicapped,thesquire'shorseforgedahead,andashisnosepusheduptothedashboardofthe
deacon'ssleigh,thatgoodmangroanedinagonizeddisappointmentandbitternessofspirit.The
widowwasmadalloverthatSquireHopkinsshouldtakesuchameanadvantageofhisrival.Why
didn'thewaittillanothertimewhenthedeaconwasalone,ashewas?Ifshehadherwayshenever
would,speaktoSquireHopkinsagain,nortohiswife,either.Butherresentmentwasnothelpingthe
deacon'shorsetowin.
Slowlythesquirepulledclosertothefrontthedeacon'shorse,realizingwhatitmeanttohismaster
154/170
2015.04.11.
andtohim,spurtedbravely,but,struggleasgamelyashemight,theoddsweretoomanyforhim,and
hedroppedtotherear.Thesquireshoutedintriumphashedrewpastthedeacon,andthedejected
Hawkinsshrivelledintoaheapontheseat,withonlyhishandssufficientlyalivetoholdthelines.He
hadbeenbeatenagain,humiliatedbeforeawoman,andthat,too,withthebesthorsethathecould
hopetoputagainsttheeverconqueringsquire.Heresankhisfondesthopes,hereendedhisambition.
Fromthisonhewoulddriveamuleoranautomobile.Thefruitofhisdesirehadturnedtoashesinhis
mouth.
Butno.Whatofthewidow?Sherealized,ifthedeacondidnot,thatshe,notthesquire'shorse,had
beatenthedeacon's,andshewasreadytomakewhatatonementshecould.Asthesquirepassedahead
ofthedeaconshewasstirredbyanobleresolve.Adeepbedofdriftedsnowlayclosebythesideof
theroadnotfarinfront.Itwassoftandsafeandshesmiledasshelookedatitasthoughwaitingfor
her.Withoutahintofherpurpose,orasigntodisturbthedeaconinhisfinalthroes,sheroseasthe
sleighrannearitsedge,andwithaspringwhichhadmanyatimesentherlightlyfromthegroundto
thebarebackofahorseinthemeadow,sheclearedtherobesandlitplumpinthedrift.Thedeacon's
horseknewbeforethedeacondidthatsomethinghadhappenedinhisfavor,andwasquickto
respond.Withhisfirstjumpofreliefthedeaconsuddenlyrevived,hishopescamefastagain,his
bloodretingled,hegatheredhimself,and,crackinghislines,heshotforward,andthreeminuteslater
hehadpassedthesquireasthoughhewerehitchedtothefence.Foraquarterofamilethesquire
madeheroiceffortstorecoverhisvanishedprestige,buteffortwasuseless,andfinallyconcluding
thathewaspracticallyleftstanding,heveeredofffromthemainroaddownafarmlanetofindsome
spotinwhichtohidethehumiliationofhisdefeat.Thedeacon,stillgoingataclippinggait,hadone
eyeoverhisshoulderaswarydriversalwayshaveonsuchoccasions,andwhenhesawthesquirewas
offthetrackhesloweddownandjoggedalongwiththeapparentintentionofcontinuingindefinitely.
Presentlyanideastruckhim,andhelookedaroundforthewidow.Shewasnotwherehehadseenher
last.Wherewasshe?Intheenthusiasmofvictoryhehadforgottenher.Hewassodejectedatthe
momentshehadleapedthathedidnotrealizewhatshehaddone,andtwominuteslaterhewasso
elatedthat,shameonhim!hedidnotcare.Withher,allwaslostwithouther,allwaswon,andthe
deacon'sgreatestambitionwastowin.Butnow,withvictoryperchedonhishorsecollar,successhis
atlast,hethoughtofthewidow,andhedidcare.Hecaredsomuchthathealmostthrewhishorseoff
hisfeetbytheabruptturnhegavehim,andbackdownthepikeheflewasifalegionofsquireswere
afterhim.
HedidnotknowwhatinjuryshemighthavesustainedShemighthavebeenseriouslyhurt,ifnot
actuallykilled.Andwhy?Simplytomakeitpossibleforhimtowin.Thedeaconshiveredashe
thoughtofit,andurgedhishorsetogreaterspeed.Thesquire,downthelane,sawhimwhizzingalong
andaccepteditprofanelyasanexhibitionforhisespecialbenefit.Thedeaconnowhadforgottenthe
squireashehadonlysoshortlybeforeforgottenthewidow.Twohundredyardsfromthedriftinto
whichshehadjumpedtherewasaturnintheroad,wheresometreesshutoffthesight,andthe
deacon'sanxietyincreasedmomentarilyuntilhereachedthispoint.Fromherehecouldseeahead,and
downthereinthemiddleoftheroadstoodthewidowwavinghershawlasabanneroftriumph,
thoughshecouldonlyguessatresults.Thedeaconcameonwitharush,andpulledupalongsideof
herinaconditionofnervousnesshedidn'tthinkpossibletohim.
"Hooray!hooray!"shoutedthewidow,tossinghershawlintotheair."Youbeathim.Iknowyoudid.
Didn'tyou?Isawyoupullingaheadattheturnyonder.Whereisheandhisoldplug?"
"Oh,bothertakehimandhishorseandtheraceandeverything.Areyouhurt?"gaspedthedeacon,
jumpingout,butmindfultokeepthelinesinhishand."Areyouhurt?"herepeated,anxiously,though
shelookedanythingbutahurtwoman.
"IfIam,"shechirped,cheerily,"I'mnothurthalfasbadasIwouldhavebeenifthesquirehadbeat
you,deacon.Nowdon'tyouworryaboutme.Let'shurrybacktotownsothesquirewon'tgetanother
chance,withnoplaceformetojump."
155/170
2015.04.11.
Andthedeacon?Well,well,withthelinesinthecrookofhiselbowthedeaconheldouthisarmsto
thewidowand.ThesistersatthenextmeetingoftheSewingSocietywereunanimouslyofthe
opinionthatanywomanwhowouldriskherlifelikethatforahusbandwasmightyanxious.
GIDEON
ByWellsHastings(1878)
[FromTheCenturyMagazine,April,1914copyright,1914,byThe
CenturyCo.republishedbytheauthor'spermission.]
"An'denext'frawgdathoun'pupseen,hepasshimbywide."
Thehouse,whichhadhunguponeveryword,roaredwithlaughter,andshookwithastormingvolley
ofapplause.Gideonbowedtorightandtoleft,low,grinning,assuredcomedyobeisancesbutasthe
laughterandapplausegrewheshookhishead,andsignaledquietlyforthedrop.Hehadanswered
manyencores,andhewasaninstinctiveartist.Itwaspartofthefuelofhisvanitythathisaudience
hadneveryethadenoughofhim.Dramaticjudgment,aswellasdramaticsenseofdelivery,was
nativetohim,qualitieswhichtheshrewdFelixStuhk,hismanagerandexultantdiscoverer,
recognizedandwiselytrustedin.OffstageGideonwaswatchedoverlikeachildandadelicate
investment,butoncebehindthefootlightshewasallowedtogohisowntriumphantgait.
ItwassmallwonderthatStuhkdeemedhimselfoneofthecleverestmanagersinthebusinessthathis
narrow,blueshavenfacewascontinuallychiseledinsmilesofcomplacentselfcongratulation.He
wasrapidlybecomingrich,andtherewerebrightprospectsofevengreatertriumphs,with
proportionatelygreaterreward.HehadmadeGideonanationalcharacter,aheadliner,astarofthe
firstmagnitudeinthefirmamentofthevaudevilletheater,andallinsixshortmonths.Or,atanyrate,
hehadhelpedtomakehimallthishehadbookedhimwellandgivenhimhisopportunity.Tobe
sure,GideonhaddonetherestStuhkwasasreadyasanyonetodocredittoGideon'sability.Still,
afterall,he,Stuhk,wasthediscoverer,thetheatricalColumbuswhohadhadthecourageandthe
vision.
AnowhallowedattackoftonsilitishaddrivenhimtoFlorida,wherepresentlyGideonhadbeen
employedtobeguilehisconvalescence,andguidehimovertheintricateshallowsofthatlonglagoon
knownastheIndianRiverinsearchofvariousfish.OndayswhenfishhadbeenreluctantGideonhad
beenluredintoconversation,andgraduallyintonarrativeandtherelationofwhathadappearedto
GideonashumorousandentertainingandfinallyFelix,thevagueideagrowingbigwithinhim,had
onedaypersuadedhisboatmantodanceupontheboardsofalongpierwheretheyhadmadefastfor
lunch.There,withallthesuddengloryofcrystallization,thevagueideatookdefiniteformand
becamethegreatinspirationofStuhk'scareer.
GideonhadgrowntobetovaudevillemuchwhatUncleRemusistoliterature:therewasvirtueinhis
verysimplicity.Hisartistryitselfwasnativeandnatural.Helovedagoodstory,andhetolditfrom
hisownsenseofthegleefulmorseluponhistongueasnotrainingcouldhavemadehim.Healways
enjoyedhisstoryandhimselfinthetelling.Talesneverlosttheirsavor,nomatterhowoftenrepeated
agewaspowerlesstodimthehumorofthething,andashehadshoutedandgurgledandlaughedover
thefunofthingswhenallalone,orholdingforthamongthemenandwomenandlittlechildrenofhis
color,soheshoutedandgurgledandbrokefromsonorouschucklestomusical,falsettomirthwhenhe
frontedthesweepingtiersoffacesacrosstheintoxicatingglareofthefootlights.Hehadthatrare
poweroftransmittingsomethingofhisownenjoyments.WhenGideonwasonthestage,Stuhkused
toenjoypeepingoutattheintent,smilingfacesoftheaudience,wheremenandwomenandchildren,
hardenedtheatergoersandfolkfreshfromthecountry,satwithmovinglipsandfaceslitwithan
156/170
2015.04.11.
eagerinterestandsympathyfortheblackmanstruttinginloosefootedvivacitybeforethem.
"He'ssimplyunique,"heboastedtowonderinglocalmanagers"unique,andittookmetofindhim.
Therehewas,alittleblackgoldmine,andallof'empassedhimbyuntilIcame.Someeye?What?I
guessyou'lladmityouhavetohanditsometoyourUncleFelix.Ifthatcoon'shealthholdsout,we'll
haveallthemoneythereisinthemint."
ThatwasFelix'srealanxiety"Ifhishealthholdsout."Gideon'shealthwaswatchedoverasifhehad
beenanailingprince.Hisbubblingvivacitywasthefoundationuponwhichhischarmandhissuccess
werebuilt.Stuhkbecameasortofvicariousneurotic,eternallysearchingforsymptomsinhisprotg
Gideon'stongue,Gideon'sliver,Gideon'sheartwerematterstohimofanunfailingandanxious
interest.AndoflateofcourseitmightbeimaginationGideonhadshownalittlephysicalfalling
off.Heateabitless,hehadbeguntomoveinarestlessway,and,worstofall,helaughedless
frequently.
Asamatteroffact,therewasgroundforStuhk'sapprehension.Itwasnotallamatterofmanagerial
imagination:Gideonwaslesshimself.Physicallytherewasnothingthematterwithhimhecould
havepassedhisrigidinsurancescrutinyaseasilyashehaddonemonthsbefore,whenhislifeand
healthhadbeeninsuredforasumthatmadegoodcopyforhispressagent.Hewassoundinevery
organ,buttherewassomethinglackingingeneraltone.Gideonfeltithimself,andwascertainthata
"misery,"thatembracingindispositionofhisrace,wascreepinguponhim.Hehadbeenfedwell,too
wellhewasgrowingrich,toorichhehadallthepraise,alltheflatterythathisenormousappetitefor
approvaldesired,andtoomuchofit.Whitemensoughthimoutandmademuchofhimwhitewomen
talkedtohimabouthiscareerandwhereverhewent,womenofcolorblackgirls,browngirls,
yellowgirlswrotehimoftheiradmiration,whispered,whenhewouldlisten,oftheirpassionand
heroworship."Cityniggers"boweddownbeforehimthehighgallerywasalwayspackedwiththem.
Muskscentednotesscrawleduponbarbaric,"hightoned"stationerypouredinuponhim.Evenafew
whitewomen,tohishorrorandembarrassment,hadwrittenhimoflove,letterswhichhestraightway
destroyed.Hissenseofhispositionwasstronginhimhewasproudofit.Theremightbe"folksouter
theirhaids,"buthehadthesensetoremember.Formonthshehadlivedinaheavenofgratified
vanity,butatlasthisappetitehadbeguntofalter.Hewassatedhissoullongedtowipeaspiritual
mouthonthebackofaspiritualhand,andhavedone.Hisface,nowthatthecurtainwasdownandhe
wasleavingthestage,wasdoleful,almostsullen.
Stuhkmethimanxiouslyinthewings,andwalkedwithhimtohisdressingroom.Hefeltsuddenly
verywearyofStuhk.
"Nothingthematter,Gideon,isthere?Notfeelingsickoranything?"
"No,MistehStuhkno,seh.Jesdon'feelextrypert,that'sall."
"Butwhatisitanythingbotheringyou?"
Gideonsatgloomilybeforehismirror.
"MistehStuhk,"hesaidatlast,"Ibeensteddyin'itoveh,andIaboutcometothedelusionthatIneeds
agoodpo'kchop.Seemsfoolish,Iknow,butitdo'seemasifagoodpo'kchop,friedjesright,would
he'pconsid'abletodisumpatethismiseryfeelin'that'scrawlin'andcreepin'roundmysperit."
Stuhklaughed.
"Porkchop,eh?Isthatthebestyoucanthinkof?Iknowwhatyoumean,though.I'vethoughtfor
sometimethatyouweregettingalittleovertrained.Whatyouneedisletmeseeyes,anicebottle
ofwine.That'stheticketitwilleasethingsupandwon'tdoyouanyharm.I'llgo,withyou.Everhad
anychampagne,Gideon?"
157/170
2015.04.11.
Gideonstruggledforpoliteness.
"Yes,seh,I'shadchampagne,andit'sanicekindoflickehshoenoughbut,MistehStuhk,seh,Idon'
wantanyofthemhightonedrinkstonight,an'efyo'don'mind,I'dratherambleoff'lone,ormebbe
eatthatpo'kchopwithsomeothehculludman,efIkinfin'onethatain'oneofthemno'count
Carolinaniggers.Doyous'poseyo'couldletmehavealittlemoneytonight,MistehStuhk?"
Stuhkthoughtrapidly.Gideonhadcertainlyworkedhard,andhewasnotdissipated.Ifhewantedto
roamthetownbyhimself,therewasnoharminit.Thesullennessstillshowedintheblackface
Heavenknewwhathemightdoifhesuddenlybegantobalk.Stuhkthoughtitwisetoconsent
gracefully.
"Good!"hesaid."Flytoit.Howmuchdoyouwant?
Ahundred?"
"Howmuchiscomingtome?"
"Aboutathousand,Gideon."
"Well,I'dmoughtylikefivehun'redofit,efthat's'greeabletoyo'."
Felixwhistled.
"Fivehundred?Porkchopsmustbecominghigh.Youdon'twanttocarryallthatmoneyaround,do
you?"
Gideondidnotanswerhelookedverygloomy.
Stuhkhastenedtocheerhim.
"Ofcourseyoucanhaveanythingyouwant.Waitaminute,andIwillgetitforyou.
"I'llbetthatcoon'sgoingtobuyhimselfaringorsomething,"hereflectedashewentinsearchofthe
localmanagerandGideon'smoney.
ButStuhkwaswrong.Gideonhadnointentionofbuyinghimselfaring.Forthematterofthat,hehad
severalthatwereamplysatisfactory.Theyhadsizeandsparkleandluster,allthediamondbrilliance
thatringsneedtohaveandfornoneofthemhadhepaidmuchoverfivedollars.Hewasamply
suppliedwithjewelryinwhichhefeltperfectsatisfaction.Hispresentwantwaspositive,ifnebulous
hedesiredafortuneinhispocket,bulky,tangibleevidenceofhismiraculoussuccess.Eversince
Stuhkhadfoundhim,lifehadhadanunrealqualityforhim.HisMonteCristowealthwastoomuch
likeafabulous,dreamfoundtreasure,moneythatcouldnotbespentwithoutdangerofawakening.
Andhehaddroppedintothehabitofstoringitabouthim,sothatinanypocketintowhichheplunged
hishandhemightfindarollofcrispevidenceofreality.Helikedhisbillstobeofalldenominations,
andsomesolargeasexquisitelytostaggerimagination,otherscharmingbytheirnumberand
crispnessthedignified,orangepaperofamanofassuredpositionandwealthcracklinggreenbacks
thedesignofwhichtingedthewholewithactuality.Hewasspeciallypartialtoengravingsof
PresidentLincoln,theparticularsaviorandpatronofhisrace.Thisfivehundreddollarshewasadding
toanunreckonedsumofabouttwothousand,merelyasextrafortificationagainstagrowingsenseof
gloom.Hewishedtobracehisflaggingspiritswiththegaywineofpossession,andhewasglad,when
themoneycame,thatitwasinanelasticboundroll,sobulkythatitwaspleasantlyuncomfortablein
hispocketashelefthismanager.
Asheturnedintothebrilliantlylightedstreetfromthesomberalleywayofthestageentrance,he
pausedforamomenttoglanceathisownname,inthreefootlettersofred,beforethedoorsofthe
theater.Hecouldread,andthelargeblocktypealwayspleasedhim."THISWEEK:GIDEON."That
158/170
2015.04.11.
wasall.Noneofthefulsomepraise,thesuperlative,necessarydefinitiongiventolesserperformers.
Hehadbeen,heremembered,"GIDEON,America'sForemostNativeComedian,"atitlethatwasat
onceboastandchallenge.Thatnecessitywasnowpast,forhewasanationalcharacterany
explanatoryqualificationwouldhavebeenaninsulttothepublicintelligence.Totheworldhewas
just"Gideon"thatwasenough.Itgavehimpleasure,ashesaunteredalong,toseetheannouncement
repeatedonwindowcardsandhoardings.
Presentlyhecametoawindowbeforewhichhepausedindelightedwonder.Itwasnotalarge
windowtothecasualeyeofthepasserbytherewaslittletodrawattention.Bydayitlightedthe
fractionalfloorspaceofalittlestationer,whosupplementedaslimbusinessbyasubagencyfor
railroadandsteamshiplinesbuttonightthiswindowseemedtheframeworkofamarvelof
coincidence.Onthebroad,dustysillinsidewereproppedtwocards:theoneontheleftwashisown
redletteredannouncementfortheweektheoneattherightoh,worldofwonders!wasa
photogravureofthatexactstretchoftheinnercoastofFloridawhichGideonknewbest,whichwas
home.
Thereitwas,theIndianRiver,ripplingidlyinfullsunlight,palmettosleaningoverthewater,
palmettosstandingasirregularsentriesalongthelow,reeflikeislandwhichstretchedawayoutofthe
picture.Therewasthegigantic,lonelypineheknewwell,and,yeshecouldjustmakeitoutthere
washisownramshacklelittlepier,whichstretchedinundulatingfashion,likealonglegged,wading
caterpillar,fromtheabruptshorelineoferodedcoquinaintodeepwater.
Hethoughtatfirstthatthispictureofhishomewassomenewanddelicatedeviceputforthbyhis
pressagent.Hisnameononesideofawindow,hisbirthplaceupontheotherwhatcouldbemore
tastefullyappropriate?Therefore,ashespelledoutthereadingmatterbeneaththephotogravure,he
wassharplydisappointed.Itread:
SpendthiswinterinbalmyFlorida.
CometotheLandofPerpetualSunshine.
Golf,tennis,driving,shooting,boating,fishing,allofthebest.
Therewasmore,buthehadnoheartforithewasdisappointedandpuzzled.Thispicturehad,after
all,nothingtodowithhim.Itwasachance,andyet,whatastrangechance!Ittroubledandupsethim.
Hisblack,roundfeaturedfacetookondeepwrinklesofperplexity.The"misery"whichhadhung
darklyonhishorizonforweeksengulfedhimwithoutwarning.Butintheverybitternessofhis
melancholyheknewatlasthisdisease.Itwasnotchampagneorrecreationthatheneeded,notevena
"po'kchop,"althoughhisdesireforithadbeenasymptom,agropingforatoohomeopathicremedy:
hewashomesick.
Easy,childishtearscameintohiseyes,andranoverhisshiningcheeks.Heshiveredforlornlywitha
suddensenseofcold,andabsentlyclutchedatthelapelsofhisgorgeous,furlinedulster.
Theninabruptreactionhelaughedaloud,sothattheshrill,musicalfalsettostartledthepassersby,
andinanothermomentalittlesemicircleofthecuriouswatchedspellboundasablackman,
exquisitelyappareled,dancedinwild,loosegracebeforethedullbackgroundofasomewhatgrimy
andapparentlyvacantwindow.Anewsboyrecognizedhim.
Heheardhisnamebeingpassedfrommouthtomouth,andcamepartlytohissenses.Hestopped
dancing,andgrinnedatthem.
"Say,youareGideon,ain'tyou?"hisdiscovererdemanded,withasortofreverentaudacity.
"Yaas,seh,"saidGideon"that'sme.Yo'shugotitright."Hebrokeintoajoyouspealoflaughter
thelaughterthathadmadehimfamous,andboweddeeplybeforehim."Gideonpositivelyhislas'
puffawmunce."Turning,hedashedforapassingtrolley,and,stilllaughing,swungaboard.
159/170
2015.04.11.
Hewasnaturallyhonest.Inalandofeasymoralityhisfriendshadaccountedhimsomethingofa
paragonnorhadStuhkeverhadanythingbutpraiseforhim.Butnowhecrushedasidetheethicsof
hisintentwithoutasingletroubledthought.Runningawayhasalwaysbeeninherentinthenegro.He
gaveoneregretfulthoughttothegorgeouswardrobehewasleavingbehindhimbuthedarednot
returnforit.Stuhkmighthavetakenitintohisheadtogobacktotheirrooms.Hemustcontent
himselfwiththereflectionthathewasatthatmomentwearinghisbest.
Thetrolleyseemedtooslowforhim,and,asalwayshappenednowadays,hewasrecognizedheheard
hisnamewhispered,andwasawareoftheadmiringglancesofthecurious.Evenpopularityhadits
drawbacks.Hegotdowninfrontofabighotelandchoseataxicabfromthewaitingrank,exhorting
thedrivertomakehisbestspeedtothestation.Leaningbackinthesoftdepthsofthecab,hesavored
hisindependence,cheeredalreadybytheswaying,lurchingspeed.Atthestationhetippedthedriver
inlordlyfashion,verymuchpleasedwithhimselfandanxioustogivepleasure.Onlythesternest
prudenceandanunconquerableaweofuniformhadkepthimfromtossingbillstothevarioustraffic
policemenwhohadseemedtosmileuponhishurry.
Nothroughtrainleftforhoursbutafterthefirstdisappointmentofmomentarycheck,hedecidedthat
hewasmorepleasedthanotherwise.Itwouldsaveembarrassment.HewasgoingSouth,wherehis
colorwouldbemoreconsideredthanhisreputation,andonthelittlelocalhechosetherewasa"Jim
Crow"carone,thatis,speciallysetasideforthoseofhisrace.Thatitprovedcrowdedandfullof
smokedidnottroublehimatall,nordidtheadmiringpleasantrieswhichthesplendorofhisapparel
immediatelycalledforth.Nooneknewhimindeed,hewasnaturallyenoughmistakenfora
prosperousgambler,anotunflatteringsupposition.Intheyard,afterthetrainpulledout,hesawhis
privatecarunderaglaringarclight,andgrinnedtoseeitleftbehind.
Hespentthenightpleasantlyinanoisygameofhighlowjack,andthenextmorningsleptmore
soundlythanhehadsleptforweeks,huncheduponawoodenbenchintheboxlikestationofaNorth
Carolinajunction.TheexpresswouldhavebroughthimtoJacksonvilleintwentyfourhoursthe
journey,ashetookit,boardinganylocalthathappenedtobegoingsouth,andleavingitformealsor
sometimesforsleeporoftenasthewhimpossessedhim,filledfivehappydays.Therehetookanight
train,anddozedfromJacksonvilleuntilalittlenorthofNewSmyrna.
Heawoketofinditbroaddaylight,andthecarhalfempty.Thetrainwasonasiding,withnewsofa
freightwreckahead.Gideonstretchedhimself,andlookedoutofthewindow,andemotionseized
him.ForallhisjourneytheSouthhadseemedtowelcomehim,buthereatlastwasthecountryhe
knew.Hewentoutupontheplatformandthrewbackhishead,sniffingthesoftbreeze,heavywiththe
mysteriousthrillofunplowedacres,thewondrousexistenceofprimordialjungle,wherelifehasrioted
unceasinglyaboveunceasingdecay.Itwasdrywiththefinedustofwasteplaces,andwetwiththe
warmmistsofslumberingswampsitseemedtoGideontotremblewiththesongsofbirds,thedry
murmurofpalmleaves,andthealmostinaudiblewhisperofthegraymossthatfestoonedthelive
oaks.
"Ummm,"hemurmured,apostrophizingit,"yo''stherightkindo'breeze,yo'is.Yo'all'shealthy."
Stillsniffing,heclimbeddowntothedustyroadbed.
Thenegroeswhohadriddenwithhimweresprawledabouthimonthegroundoneofthemlay
sleeping,faceup,inthesunlight.Thetrainhadevidentlybeenthereforsometime,andtherewereno
signsofanimmediatedeparture.Heboughtsomeorangesofalittle,bowleggedblackboy,andsat
downonalogtoeatthemandtogiveuphismindtoenjoyment.Thesunwashotuponhim,andhis
thoughtswerevagueanddrowsy.Hewasgladthathewasalive,gladtobebackoncemoreamong
familiarscenes.DownthelengthofthetrainhesawwhitepassengersfromthePullmansrestlessly
pacingupanddown,gettingintotheircarsandoutofthem,consultingwatches,attachingthemselves
withgesticulatoryexpostulationtovariousofficialsbuttheirimpatiencefoundnoechoinhis
thought.Whatwasthehurry?Therewasplentyoftime.Itwassufficienttohavecometohisown
landtheactualwallsofhomecouldwait.Thedelaywaspleasant,withitsopportunityfordrowsy
160/170
2015.04.11.
sunning,itsrelieffromthegrimymonotonyoftravel.Heglancedattheorangecolored"JimCrow"
withdistaste,andinspiration,dawningslowlyuponhim,sweptallotherthoughtbeforeitinitsgreat
andgrowingglory.
Abrakemanpassed,andGideonleapedtohisfeetandpursuedhim.
"Misteh,howlongyo'allreckonthistraingoin'tobe?"
"Aboutanhour."
Thequestionhadbeenamerematterofform.Gideonhadmadeuphismind,andifhehadbeentold
thattheystartedinfiveminuteshewouldnothavechangedit.Heclimbedbackintothecarforhis
coatandhishat,andthenalmostfurtivelystoledownthestepsagainandslippedquietlyintothe
palmettoscrub.
"'Mostmadethemistakeofmalife,"hechuckled,"stickin'tothatol'trainfoheveh.'Tisn'ttheright
wayat,allfohGideontocomehome."
Theriverwasnotfaraway.Hecouldcatchthedancingblueofitfromtimetotimeinraggedvista,
andforthisbeaconhesteereddirectly.Hiscoatwasheavyonhisarm,histhinpatentleatherties
pinchedandburnedanddemandeddetoursaroundswampyplaces,buthewashappy.
Ashewentalong,hisplanperfecteditself.Hewouldgetintolooseshoesagain,oldones,ifmoney
couldbuythem,andoldclothes,too.Thebullbrierssnatchingathistailoredsplendorsuggestedthat.
HelaughedwhentheFloridapartridge,asmallquail,whirredupfromunderhisfeethepausedto
exchangeaffectionatemockerywithredsquirrelsandonce,evenwhenhewasbroughtupsuddenly
toafamiliarandominous,dryreverberation,thesmall,crispsoundoftherollingdrumsofdeath,he
didnotlookabouthimforsomeinstrumentofdestruction,asatanyothertimehewouldhavedone,
butinsteadpeeredcautiouslyoverthelogbeforehim,andspokeintolerantadmonition:
"Now,MistehRattlesnake,yo'jesmin'yo'ownbusiness.Nobody'sgoin'steponyo',nergotriflin'
roun'yo'innowaywhatsomeveh.Yo'jeslaythereinthesunan'git'sfat'syo'please.Don'yo'tu'n
yo'weekedli'l'eyesonGideon.He'sjesgoin''longhome,an'ain'lookin'fohnomuss."
Hecamepresentlytothewater,and,asluckwouldhaveit,toalittlegroupofnegrocabins,wherehe
wasabletobuyoldclothesand,aftermuchdickering,alongandsomewhatleakyrowboatriggedout
withatatteredlegofmuttonsail.Thisheprovisionedwithajugofwater,astarchboxfullofwhite
cornmeal,andawidestripofleanrazorbackbacon.
Ashepushedoutfromshoreandsethissailtothesmallbreezethatblewdownfromthenorth,an
absolutecontentmentpossessedhim.Theidlewatersofthelagoon,lyingwithouttideorcurrentin
eternalindolence,rippledandsparkledinbreezeandsunlightwithamerrysurfaceactivity,and
seemedtolaptheleakylittleboatmoreswiftlyonitsway.MosquitoInletopenedbroadlybeforehim,
andskirtingtheendofMerritt'sIslandhecameatlastintothatlongestlagoon,withwhichhewas
mostfamiliar,theIndianRiver.Herethewinddieddowntoamerebreath,whichbarelykepthisboat
inmotionbuthemadenoattempttorow.Aslongashemovedatall,hewassatisfied.Hewasliving
thefulfilmentofhisdreamsinexile,lounginginthesternintheancientclotheshehadpurchased,his
feetstretchedcomfortablybeforehimintheirbrokenshoes,onefootuponathwart,theotherhanging
oversidesolaxlythatoccasionalrippleslappedtherunoverheel.Fromtimetotimehescannedshore
andriverforfamiliarpointsofinterestsomerememberedsnagthatshowedthetipofonegnarled
branch.Orhemarkedanewlyfallenpalmetto,alreadyrottinginthewater,whichmustbeaddedto
thatmapofvastdetailthathecarriedinhishead.Butforthemostparthisbroadblackfacewas
turneduptothebluebrillianceabovehiminunblinkingcontemplationhiskeeneyes,brilliantdespite
theirsunmuddiedwhites,reveledintheheightsabovehim,swingingfromhorizontohorizoninthe
161/170
2015.04.11.
wakeofanorderlyfileoflittlebluebillducks,wingingtheirwayacrosstheriver,orbrighteningwith
interestattherarersightofapairofmallardsorredheads,liftingwiththesoaringcirclesofthegreat
baldheadedeagle,orfollowingthescatteredsquadronofheronwhiteheron,blueheron,youngand
old,trailing,sunlit,brilliantpatches,clearevenagainstthebrightwhiteandblueoftheskyabove
them.
Oftenhelaughedaloud,sendingagreatshoutofmirthacrossthewaterinfreshrelishofthose
comediesbestknownandbestenjoyed.Itwasasexcruciatinglyfunnyasithadeverbeen,whenhis
boatnoseditswayintoagreatflockofducksidlinguponthewater,toseethemadpaddlinghasteof
thosenearesthim,thereproachfulturnoftheirheads,or,ifhecametoonear,theirspatteringrunout
ofwater,feetandwingspumpingtogetherastheyrosefromthesurface,lookingforalltheworldlike
fatlittlewomen,scurryingwithclutchedskirtsacrosscitystreets.Thepelicans,too,delightedhimas
theyperchedwithpedanticsolemnityuponwharfpiles,orsailedinhunchedandhuddledgravity
twentyfeetabovetheriver'ssurfaceinswift,dignifiedflight,whichalwaysendedsuddenlyinan
abrupt,upendedplungethatthrewdignitytothewindsinitsgreedyhaste,anddroppedthem
crashingintothewater.
Whendarknesscamesuddenlyatlast,hemadeintowardshore,mooringtothewarmfrettedendofa
fallenandforgottenlanding.Astragglingorangegrovewashere,brokenlinesofvanquished
cultivation,strugglinglittletreesswathedandchokedinthefestooninggraymoss,stillshowinghere
andtherethevaliantgoldengleamoffruit.Gideonhadseenmanysuchplaces,hadseensettlerscome
andclearthemselvesaspaceinthejungle,planttheirgroves,andliveforawhileinlazy
independenceandthenforsomereasonorothertheywouldgo,andbeforetheyhadscarcelyturned
theirbacks,thejunglehadcreptinagain,patientlyrestoringitsancientsovereignty.Theplacewas
eerywiththeghostofdeadeffortbutitpleasedhim.
Hemadeafireandcookedsupper,eatingenormouslyandwithrelish.Hisconsciencedidnottrouble
himatall.Stuhkandhisowncareerseemedalreadydistanttheytooksmallplaceinhisthoughts,and
servedmerelyasabackgroundforhispresentabsolutecontent.Hepickedsomeoranges,andatethem
inmeditativeenjoyment.Forawhilehenodded,halfasleep,besidehisfire,watchingthedarkened
river,wherethemullet,shimmeringwithphosphorescence,stillleapedstarklyabovethesurface,and
fellinspatteringbrilliance.Midnightfoundhimsprawledasleepbesidehisfire.
Onceheawoke.Themoonhadrisen,andalittlebreezewavedthehangingmoss,andwhisperedin
theglossyfoliageoforangeandpalmettowithasoundlikefallingrain.Gideonsatupandpeered
abouthim,rollinghiseyeshitherandthitheratthemenacingleapanddanceofthejetshadows.His
heartwasbeatingthickly,hismusclestwitched,andtheawfulterrorsofnightpulsedandshuddered
overhim.Namelessspecterspeeredathimfromeveryshadow,ingeneratefamiliarsofhiswild,
forgottenblood.Hegroanedaloudinadeliciousterrorandpresently,stilltwitchingandshivering,
fellasleepagain.Itwasasifsomethingmagicalhadhappenedhisfearrememberedthefearof
centuries,andyetwiththewarmdaylightwasabsolutelyforgotten.
Hegotupalittleaftersunrise,andwentdowntotherivertobathe,divingdeepwithajoyfulsenseof
freeinghimselffromthelastaliendustoftravel.Onceashoreagain,however,hebegantopreparehis
breakfastwithsomehaste.Forthefirsttimeinhisjourneyhewasfeelingasenseoflonelinessanda
longingforhiskind.Hewasstillhappy,buthislaughterbegantoseemstrangetohiminthesolitude.
Hetriedthedefiantexperimentoflaughingfortheeffectofit,anexperimentwhichbroughthimto
hisfeetinstartledterrorforhislaughterwasechoed.Ashestoodpeeringabouthim,thesoundcame
again,notlaughterthistime,butasuppressedgiggle.Itwashumanbeyondadoubt.Gideon'sface
shonewithreliefandsympatheticamusementhelistenedforamoment,andthenstrodesurely
forwardtowardaclumpoflowpalms.Therehepaused,everysensealert.Hisearcaughtasoftrustle,
alittlegaspoffearthesoundofafootmovedcautiously.
"Missy,"hesaidtentatively,"Ireckonyo'all'scomejes'bout'ntimefohbreakfus.Yo'bettehhave
some.Efyo'ain'toowhitetositdownwithablackman."
162/170
2015.04.11.
Theleavesparted,andasmilingfaceasblackasGideon'sownregardedhiminshyamusement.
"Whoisyo',man?"
"ImoughtbekingofKongo,"helaughed,"butIain't.Yo'seebefo'yo'jesGideonatyo'r'steemed
sehvice."Hebowedelaboratelyinthemockhumilityofassuredimportance,watchingherfacein
pleasantanticipation.
Butneitherawenorrapturedawnedthere.Sherepeatedthename,incliningherheadcoquettishlybut
itevidentlymeantnothingtoher.Shewasmerelytryingitssound."Gideon,Gideon.Idon'callto
min'anysechnameezthat.Yo'all'sf'omupNo'thlikely."Hewasbeyondthereachesoffame.
"No,"saidGideon,hardlyknowingwhetherhewasgladorsorry"no,Ilivesouthofheah.What
all'syo'name?"
Thegirlgiggleddeliciously.
"Man,"shesaid,"Ishugotthemos'reediculoustestnameyouevehdidheah.TheycallmeVashti
yo'bacon'sbu'nin'."Shesteppedout,andranpasthimtosnatchhisskilletdeftlyfromthefire.
"Vashti"astrangeanddelightfulname.Gideonfollowedherslowly.Herromanticcomingandher
romanticnamepleasedhimand,too,hethoughtherbeautiful.Shewasscarcelymorethanagirl,slim
andstrongandalmostofhisownheight.Shewasbarefooted,butherbluecheckedginghamwas
cleanandbeltedsmartlyaboutasmallwaist.Herememberedonlyonewomanwhoranaslithelyas
shedid,oneofthenumerous"divingbeauties"ofthevaudevillestage.
Shecookedtheirbreakfast,butheservedherwithanelaborategallantry,puttingforwardallhisnew
andforeigngraces,garnishinghisspeechwithimposingpolysyllables,castingabouttheirpicnic
breakfastaradiantauraofgrandeurborrowedfromtherecentdaysofhisfame.Andhesawthathe
pleasedher,andwithheropenadmirationessayedstillgreaterflightsofpolishedmanner.
Hemadevagueplansfordelayinghisjourneyastheysatsmokinginpleasantconversationalease
andwhenaninterruptioncameitvexedhim.
"Vashty!Vashty!"awoman'svoicesoundedthinandfaraway.
"Vashtyy!Yo'heahme,chile?"
Vashtirosetoherfeetwithasigh.
"That'smyma,"shesaidregretfully.
"Whatdoyo'care?"askedGideon."Letheryellawhile."
Thegirlshookherhead.
"Ma'samoughtypow'ful'oman,andshedonegotaclub'boutthesizeo'mywrist."Shemovedoffa
steporso,andglancedbackathim.
Gideonleapedtohisfeet.
"Whenyo'comin'back?Yo'yo'ain'goin'without"Heheldouthisarmstoher,butsheonly
giggledandbegantowalkslowlyaway.Withaboundhewasafterher,onehandcatchingherlightly
bytheshoulder.Hefeltsuddenlythathemustnotlosesightofher.
"Letmego!Tu'nmeloose,yo'!"Thegirlwasstilllaughing,butevidentlytroubled.Shewrenched
herselfawaywithaneffort,onlytobecaughtagainamomentlater.Shescreamedandstruckathim
163/170
2015.04.11.
ashekissedherfornowshewasreallyinterror.
TheblowcaughtGideonsquarelyinthemouth,andwithsuchforcethathestaggeredback,
astonished,whilethegirltookwildlytoherheels.Hestoodforamomentirresolute,forsomething
washappeningtohim.Formonthshehadevadedlovewithagentleembarrassmentnow,withthe
savagecrashofthatblow,heknewunreasoninglythathehadfoundhiswoman.
Heleapedafterheragain,runningashehadnotruninyears,insavage,determinedpursuit,tearing
throughbrierandscrub,tripping,falling,rising,neverlosingsightofthebluecladfigurebeforehim
untilatlastshetrippedandfell,andhestoodpantingaboveher.
Hetookagreatbreathorso,andleanedoverandpickedherupinhisarms,whereshescreamedand
struckandscratchedathim.Helaughed,forhefeltnolongersensibletopain,and,stillchuckling,
pickedhiswaycarefullybacktotheshore,wadingdeepintothewatertounmoorhisboat.Thenwith
aswiftmovementhedroppedthegirlintothebow,pushedfree,andclamberedactivelyaboard.
Thelight,earlymorningbreezehadfreshened,andhemadeoutwelltowardthemiddleoftheriver,
neverevenglancingaroundatthesoundofthehallooinghenowheardfromshore.Hisexertionshad
quickenedhisbreathing,buthefeltstrongandjoyful.Vashtilayahuddleofblueinthebow,
crouchedinfearanddesolation,shakenandtornwithsobbingbuthemadenoefforttocomforther.
Hewasuntroubledbyanysenseofwronghewassimplyandunreasoninglysatisfiedwithwhathe
haddone.Despiteallhisgentle,easygoing,laughterlovingexistence,hefoundnothingincongruous
orunnaturalinthissuddenactofviolence.Hewasaglowwithhappinesshewastakinghomeawife.
Theblindtumultofcapturehadpassedagreattendernesspossessedhim.
Theleakylittleboatwasplunginganddancinginswiftecstasyofmovementallaboutthemthelittle
wavesranglitteringinthesunlight,plashingandslappingagainsttheboat'slowside,tossingtiny
creststothefollowingwind,showingriftsofwhitehereandthere,blowinghandfulsoffoamand
spray.Gideonwentsoftlyaboutthebusinessofshorteninghissmallsail,andcamequietlybacktohis
steeringseatagain.Soonhewouldhavetobemakingforwhatleathewesternshoreofferedbuthe
washoldingtothemiddleoftheriveraslongashecould,becausewitheverymiletheshoreswere
growingmorefamiliar,callingtohimtomakewhatspeedhecould.Vashti'ssobbinghadgrownsmall
andceasedhewonderedifshehadfallenasleep.
Presently,however,hesawherfaceraisedafacestillshiningwithtears.Shesawthathewas
watchingher,andcrouchedlowagain.Adashofsprayspatteredoverher,andshelookedup
frightened,glancingfearfullyoversidethenoncemorehereyescamebacktohim,andthistimeshe
gotup,stillsmallandcrouching,andmadeherwayslowlyandpainfullydownthelengthoftheboat,
untilatlastGideonmovedasideforher,andshesankinthebottombesidehim,hidinghereyesinher
ginghamsleeve.
Gideonstretchedoutabroadhandandtouchedherheadlightlyandwithatinygaspherfingersstole
uptohis.
"Honey,"saidGideon"Honey,yo'ain'mad,isyo'?"
Sheshookherhead,notlookingathim.
"Yo'ain'grievin'fohyo'ma?"
Againsheshookherhead.
"Because,"saidGideon,smilingdownather,"Iain'gotnobeegclublikeshehas."
Asoftandsmotheredgiggleansweredhim,andthistimeVashtilookedupandlaidherheadagainst
164/170
2015.04.11.
himwithasmallsighofcontentment.
Gideonfeltverytender,veryimportant,atpeacewithhimselfandalltheworld.Heroundedajutting
point,andstretchedoutablackhand,pointing.
EndoftheProjectGutenbergEBookofTheBestAmericanHumorousShortStories,byVarious
***ENDOFTHISPROJECTGUTENBERGEBOOKAMERICANHUMOR***
*****Thisfileshouldbenamed109478.txtor109478.zip*****Thisandallassociatedfilesof
variousformatswillbefoundin:http://www.gutenberg.net/1/0/9/4/10947/
ProducedbyKeithM.EckrichandPGDistributedProofreaders
Updatededitionswillreplacethepreviousonetheoldeditionswillberenamed.
CreatingtheworksfrompublicdomainprinteditionsmeansthatnooneownsaUnitedStates
copyrightintheseworks,sotheFoundation(andyou!)cancopyanddistributeitintheUnitedStates
withoutpermissionandwithoutpayingcopyrightroyalties.Specialrules,setforthintheGeneral
TermsofUsepartofthislicense,applytocopyinganddistributingProjectGutenbergtmelectronic
workstoprotectthePROJECTGUTENBERGtmconceptandtrademark.ProjectGutenbergisa
registeredtrademark,andmaynotbeusedifyouchargefortheeBooks,unlessyoureceivespecific
permission.IfyoudonotchargeanythingforcopiesofthiseBook,complyingwiththerulesisvery
easy.YoumayusethiseBookfornearlyanypurposesuchascreationofderivativeworks,reports,
performancesandresearch.Theymaybemodifiedandprintedandgivenawayyoumaydo
practicallyANYTHINGwithpublicdomaineBooks.Redistributionissubjecttothetrademark
license,especiallycommercialredistribution.
***START:FULLLICENSE***
THEFULLPROJECTGUTENBERGLICENSEPLEASEREADTHISBEFOREYOUDISTRIBUTEORUSE
THISWORK
ToprotecttheProjectGutenbergtmmissionofpromotingthefreedistributionofelectronicworks,by
usingordistributingthiswork(oranyotherworkassociatedinanywaywiththephrase"Project
Gutenberg"),youagreetocomplywithallthetermsoftheFullProjectGutenbergtmLicense
(availablewiththisfileoronlineathttp://gutenberg.net/license).
Section1.GeneralTermsofUseandRedistributingProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworks
1.A.ByreadingorusinganypartofthisProjectGutenbergtmelectronicwork,youindicatethatyou
haveread,understand,agreetoandacceptallthetermsofthislicenseandintellectualproperty
(trademark/copyright)agreement.Ifyoudonotagreetoabidebyallthetermsofthisagreement,you
mustceaseusingandreturnordestroyallcopiesofProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworksinyour
possession.IfyoupaidafeeforobtainingacopyoforaccesstoaProjectGutenbergtmelectronic
workandyoudonotagreetobeboundbythetermsofthisagreement,youmayobtainarefundfrom
thepersonorentitytowhomyoupaidthefeeassetforthinparagraph1.E.8.
165/170
2015.04.11.
1.B."ProjectGutenberg"isaregisteredtrademark.Itmayonlybeusedonorassociatedinanyway
withanelectronicworkbypeoplewhoagreetobeboundbythetermsofthisagreement.Therearea
fewthingsthatyoucandowithmostProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworksevenwithoutcomplying
withthefulltermsofthisagreement.Seeparagraph1.Cbelow.Therearealotofthingsyoucando
withProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworksifyoufollowthetermsofthisagreementandhelp
preservefreefutureaccesstoProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworks.Seeparagraph1.Ebelow.
1.C.TheProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundation("theFoundation"orPGLAF),ownsa
compilationcopyrightinthecollectionofProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworks.Nearlyallthe
individualworksinthecollectionareinthepublicdomainintheUnitedStates.Ifanindividualwork
isinthepublicdomainintheUnitedStatesandyouarelocatedintheUnitedStates,wedonotclaima
righttopreventyoufromcopying,distributing,performing,displayingorcreatingderivativeworks
basedontheworkaslongasallreferencestoProjectGutenbergareremoved.Ofcourse,wehopethat
youwillsupporttheProjectGutenbergtmmissionofpromotingfreeaccesstoelectronicworksby
freelysharingProjectGutenbergtmworksincompliancewiththetermsofthisagreementforkeeping
theProjectGutenbergtmnameassociatedwiththework.Youcaneasilycomplywiththetermsof
thisagreementbykeepingthisworkinthesameformatwithitsattachedfullProjectGutenbergtm
Licensewhenyoushareitwithoutchargewithothers.
1.D.Thecopyrightlawsoftheplacewhereyouarelocatedalsogovernwhatyoucandowiththis
work.Copyrightlawsinmostcountriesareinaconstantstateofchange.IfyouareoutsidetheUnited
States,checkthelawsofyourcountryinadditiontothetermsofthisagreementbeforedownloading,
copying,displaying,performing,distributingorcreatingderivativeworksbasedonthisworkorany
otherProjectGutenbergtmwork.TheFoundationmakesnorepresentationsconcerningthecopyright
statusofanyworkinanycountryoutsidetheUnitedStates.
1.E.UnlessyouhaveremovedallreferencestoProjectGutenberg:
1.E.1.Thefollowingsentence,withactivelinksto,orotherimmediateaccessto,thefullProject
GutenbergtmLicensemustappearprominentlywheneveranycopyofaProjectGutenbergtmwork
(anyworkonwhichthephrase"ProjectGutenberg"appears,orwithwhichthephrase"Project
Gutenberg"isassociated)isaccessed,displayed,performed,viewed,copiedordistributed:
ThiseBookisfortheuseofanyoneanywhereatnocostandwithalmostnorestrictionswhatsoever.
Youmaycopyit,giveitawayorreuseitunderthetermsoftheProjectGutenbergLicenseincluded
withthiseBookoronlineatwww.gutenberg.net
1.E.2.IfanindividualProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworkisderivedfromthepublicdomain(does
notcontainanoticeindicatingthatitispostedwithpermissionofthecopyrightholder),theworkcan
becopiedanddistributedtoanyoneintheUnitedStateswithoutpayinganyfeesorcharges.Ifyouare
redistributingorprovidingaccesstoaworkwiththephrase"ProjectGutenberg"associatedwithor
appearingonthework,youmustcomplyeitherwiththerequirementsofparagraphs1.E.1through
1.E.7orobtainpermissionfortheuseoftheworkandtheProjectGutenbergtmtrademarkassetforth
inparagraphs1.E.8or1.E.9.
1.E.3.IfanindividualProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworkispostedwiththepermissionofthe
copyrightholder,youruseanddistributionmustcomplywithbothparagraphs1.E.1through1.E.7and
anyadditionaltermsimposedbythecopyrightholder.AdditionaltermswillbelinkedtotheProject
GutenbergtmLicenseforallworkspostedwiththepermissionofthecopyrightholderfoundatthe
beginningofthiswork.
1.E.4.DonotunlinkordetachorremovethefullProjectGutenbergtmLicensetermsfromthiswork,
oranyfilescontainingapartofthisworkoranyotherworkassociatedwithProjectGutenbergtm.
1.E.5.Donotcopy,display,perform,distributeorredistributethiselectronicwork,oranypartofthis
166/170
2015.04.11.
electronicwork,withoutprominentlydisplayingthesentencesetforthinparagraph1.E.1withactive
linksorimmediateaccesstothefulltermsoftheProjectGutenbergtmLicense.
1.E.6.Youmayconverttoanddistributethisworkinanybinary,compressed,markedup,
nonproprietaryorproprietaryform,includinganywordprocessingorhypertextform.However,ifyou
provideaccesstoordistributecopiesofaProjectGutenbergtmworkinaformatotherthan"Plain
VanillaASCII"orotherformatusedintheofficialversionpostedontheofficialProjectGutenberg
tmwebsite(www.gutenberg.net),youmust,atnoadditionalcost,feeorexpensetotheuser,provide
acopy,ameansofexportingacopy,orameansofobtainingacopyuponrequest,oftheworkinits
original"PlainVanillaASCII"orotherform.AnyalternateformatmustincludethefullProject
GutenbergtmLicenseasspecifiedinparagraph1.E.1.
1.E.7.Donotchargeafeeforaccessto,viewing,displaying,performing,copyingordistributingany
ProjectGutenbergtmworksunlessyoucomplywithparagraph1.E.8or1.E.9.
1.E.8.YoumaychargeareasonablefeeforcopiesoforprovidingaccesstoordistributingProject
Gutenbergtmelectronicworksprovidedthat
Youpayaroyaltyfeeof20%ofthegrossprofitsyouderivefromtheuseofProjectGutenbergtm
workscalculatedusingthemethodyoualreadyusetocalculateyourapplicabletaxes.Thefeeisowed
totheowneroftheProjectGutenbergtmtrademark,buthehasagreedtodonateroyaltiesunderthis
paragraphtotheProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundation.Royaltypaymentsmustbepaid
within60daysfollowingeachdateonwhichyouprepare(orarelegallyrequiredtoprepare)your
periodictaxreturns.RoyaltypaymentsshouldbeclearlymarkedassuchandsenttotheProject
GutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundationattheaddressspecifiedinSection4,"Informationabout
donationstotheProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundation."
Youprovideafullrefundofanymoneypaidbyauserwhonotifiesyouinwriting(orbyemail)
within30daysofreceiptthats/hedoesnotagreetothetermsofthefullProjectGutenbergtm
License.Youmustrequiresuchausertoreturnordestroyallcopiesoftheworkspossessedina
physicalmediumanddiscontinuealluseofandallaccesstoothercopiesofProjectGutenbergtm
works.
Youprovide,inaccordancewithparagraph1.F.3,afullrefundofanymoneypaidforaworkora
replacementcopy,ifadefectintheelectronicworkisdiscoveredandreportedtoyouwithin90days
ofreceiptofthework.
YoucomplywithallothertermsofthisagreementforfreedistributionofProjectGutenbergtm
works.
1.E.9.IfyouwishtochargeafeeordistributeaProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworkorgroupof
worksondifferenttermsthanaresetforthinthisagreement,youmustobtainpermissioninwriting
fromboththeProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundationandMichaelHart,theownerofthe
ProjectGutenbergtmtrademark.ContacttheFoundationassetforthinSection3below.
1.F.
1.F.1.ProjectGutenbergvolunteersandemployeesexpendconsiderableefforttoidentify,do
copyrightresearchon,transcribeandproofreadpublicdomainworksincreatingtheProject
Gutenbergtmcollection.Despitetheseefforts,ProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworks,andthe
mediumonwhichtheymaybestored,maycontain"Defects,"suchas,butnotlimitedto,incomplete,
inaccurateorcorruptdata,transcriptionerrors,acopyrightorotherintellectualpropertyinfringement,
adefectiveordamageddiskorothermedium,acomputervirus,orcomputercodesthatdamageor
cannotbereadbyyourequipment.
167/170
2015.04.11.
1.F.2.LIMITEDWARRANTY,DISCLAIMEROFDAMAGESExceptforthe"Rightof
ReplacementorRefund"describedinparagraph1.F.3,theProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchive
Foundation,theowneroftheProjectGutenbergtmtrademark,andanyotherpartydistributinga
ProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworkunderthisagreement,disclaimallliabilitytoyoufordamages,
costsandexpenses,includinglegalfees.YOUAGREETHATYOUHAVENOREMEDIESFOR
NEGLIGENCE,STRICTLIABILITY,BREACHOFWARRANTYORBREACHOFCONTRACT
EXCEPTTHOSEPROVIDEDINPARAGRAPHF3.YOUAGREETHATTHEFOUNDATION,
THETRADEMARKOWNER,ANDANYDISTRIBUTORUNDERTHISAGREEMENTWILL
NOTBELIABLETOYOUFORACTUAL,DIRECT,INDIRECT,CONSEQUENTIAL,
PUNITIVEORINCIDENTALDAMAGESEVENIFYOUGIVENOTICEOFTHEPOSSIBILITY
OFSUCHDAMAGE.
1.F.3.LIMITEDRIGHTOFREPLACEMENTORREFUNDIfyoudiscoveradefectinthis
electronicworkwithin90daysofreceivingit,youcanreceivearefundofthemoney(ifany)youpaid
foritbysendingawrittenexplanationtothepersonyoureceivedtheworkfrom.Ifyoureceivedthe
workonaphysicalmedium,youmustreturnthemediumwithyourwrittenexplanation.Theperson
orentitythatprovidedyouwiththedefectiveworkmayelecttoprovideareplacementcopyinlieuof
arefund.Ifyoureceivedtheworkelectronically,thepersonorentityprovidingittoyoumaychoose
togiveyouasecondopportunitytoreceivetheworkelectronicallyinlieuofarefund.Ifthesecond
copyisalsodefective,youmaydemandarefundinwritingwithoutfurtheropportunitiestofixthe
problem.
1.F.4.Exceptforthelimitedrightofreplacementorrefundsetforthinparagraph1.F.3,thisworkis
providedtoyou'ASIS'WITHNOOTHERWARRANTIESOFANYKIND,EXPRESSOR
IMPLIED,INCLUDINGBUTNOTLIMITEDTOWARRANTIESOFMERCHANTIBILITYOR
FITNESSFORANYPURPOSE.
1.F.5.Somestatesdonotallowdisclaimersofcertainimpliedwarrantiesortheexclusionorlimitation
ofcertaintypesofdamages.Ifanydisclaimerorlimitationsetforthinthisagreementviolatesthelaw
ofthestateapplicabletothisagreement,theagreementshallbeinterpretedtomakethemaximum
disclaimerorlimitationpermittedbytheapplicablestatelaw.Theinvalidityorunenforceabilityof
anyprovisionofthisagreementshallnotvoidtheremainingprovisions.
1.F.6.INDEMNITYYouagreetoindemnifyandholdtheFoundation,thetrademarkowner,any
agentoremployeeoftheFoundation,anyoneprovidingcopiesofProjectGutenbergtmelectronic
worksinaccordancewiththisagreement,andanyvolunteersassociatedwiththeproduction,
promotionanddistributionofProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworks,harmlessfromallliability,costs
andexpenses,includinglegalfees,thatarisedirectlyorindirectlyfromanyofthefollowingwhich
youdoorcausetooccur:(a)distributionofthisoranyProjectGutenbergtmwork,(b)alteration,
modification,oradditionsordeletionstoanyProjectGutenbergtmwork,and(c)anyDefectyou
cause.
Section2.InformationabouttheMissionofProjectGutenbergtm
ProjectGutenbergtmissynonymouswiththefreedistributionofelectronicworksinformatsreadable
bythewidestvarietyofcomputersincludingobsolete,old,middleagedandnewcomputers.Itexists
becauseoftheeffortsofhundredsofvolunteersanddonationsfrompeopleinallwalksoflife.
Volunteersandfinancialsupporttoprovidevolunteerswiththeassistancetheyneed,iscriticalto
reachingProjectGutenbergtm'sgoalsandensuringthattheProjectGutenbergtmcollectionwill
remainfreelyavailableforgenerationstocome.In2001,theProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchive
FoundationwascreatedtoprovideasecureandpermanentfutureforProjectGutenbergtmandfuture
generations.TolearnmoreabouttheProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundationandhowyour
effortsanddonationscanhelp,seeSections3and4andtheFoundationwebpageat
168/170
2015.04.11.
http://www.pglaf.org.
Section3.InformationabouttheProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundation
TheProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundationisanonprofit501(c)(3)educationalcorporation
organizedunderthelawsofthestateofMississippiandgrantedtaxexemptstatusbytheInternal
RevenueService.TheFoundation'sEINorfederaltaxidentificationnumberis646221541.Its501(c)
(3)letterispostedathttp://pglaf.org/fundraising.ContributionstotheProjectGutenbergLiterary
ArchiveFoundationaretaxdeductibletothefullextentpermittedbyU.S.federallawsandyour
state'slaws.
TheFoundation'sprincipalofficeislocatedat4557MelanDr.S.Fairbanks,AK,99712.,butits
volunteersandemployeesarescatteredthroughoutnumerouslocations.Itsbusinessofficeislocated
at809North1500West,SaltLakeCity,UT84116,(801)5961887,emailbusiness@pglaf.org.Email
contactlinksanduptodatecontactinformationcanbefoundattheFoundation'swebsiteandofficial
pageathttp://pglaf.org
Foradditionalcontactinformation:
Dr.GregoryB.Newby
ChiefExecutiveandDirector
gbnewby@pglaf.org
Section4.InformationaboutDonationstotheProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundation
ProjectGutenbergtmdependsuponandcannotsurvivewithoutwidespreadpublicsupportand
donationstocarryoutitsmissionofincreasingthenumberofpublicdomainandlicensedworksthat
canbefreelydistributedinmachinereadableformaccessiblebythewidestarrayofequipment
includingoutdatedequipment.Manysmalldonations($1to$5,000)areparticularlyimportantto
maintainingtaxexemptstatuswiththeIRS.
TheFoundationiscommittedtocomplyingwiththelawsregulatingcharitiesandcharitabledonations
inall50statesoftheUnitedStates.Compliancerequirementsarenotuniformandittakesa
considerableeffort,muchpaperworkandmanyfeestomeetandkeepupwiththeserequirements.We
donotsolicitdonationsinlocationswherewehavenotreceivedwrittenconfirmationofcompliance.
ToSENDDONATIONSordeterminethestatusofcomplianceforanyparticularstatevisit
http://pglaf.org
Whilewecannotanddonotsolicitcontributionsfromstateswherewehavenotmetthesolicitation
requirements,weknowofnoprohibitionagainstacceptingunsoliciteddonationsfromdonorsinsuch
stateswhoapproachuswithofferstodonate.
Internationaldonationsaregratefullyaccepted,butwecannotmakeanystatementsconcerningtax
treatmentofdonationsreceivedfromoutsidetheUnitedStates.U.S.lawsaloneswampoursmall
staff.
PleasechecktheProjectGutenbergWebpagesforcurrentdonationmethodsandaddresses.
Donationsareacceptedinanumberofotherwaysincludingincludingchecks,onlinepaymentsand
creditcarddonations.Todonate,pleasevisit:http://pglaf.org/donate
Section5.GeneralInformationAboutProjectGutenbergtmelectronicworks.
ProfessorMichaelS.HartistheoriginatoroftheProjectGutenbergtmconceptofalibraryof
169/170
2015.04.11.
electronicworksthatcouldbefreelysharedwithanyone.Forthirtyyears,heproducedanddistributed
ProjectGutenbergtmeBookswithonlyaloosenetworkofvolunteersupport.
ProjectGutenbergtmeBooksareoftencreatedfromseveralprintededitions,allofwhichare
confirmedasPublicDomainintheU.S.unlessacopyrightnoticeisincluded.Thus,wedonot
necessarilykeepeBooksincompliancewithanyparticularpaperedition.
EacheBookisinasubdirectoryofthesamenumberastheeBook'seBooknumber,ofteninseveral
formatsincludingplainvanillaASCII,compressed(zipped),HTMLandothers.
CorrectedEDITIONSofoureBooksreplacetheoldfileandtakeovertheoldfilenameandetext
number.Thereplacedolderfileisrenamed.VERSIONSbasedonseparatesourcesaretreatedasnew
eBooksreceivingnewfilenamesandetextnumbers.
MostpeoplestartatourWebsitewhichhasthemainPGsearchfacility:
http://www.gutenberg.net
ThisWebsiteincludesinformationaboutProjectGutenbergtm,includinghowtomakedonationsto
theProjectGutenbergLiteraryArchiveFoundation,howtohelpproduceourneweBooks,andhowto
subscribetoouremailnewslettertohearaboutneweBooks.
EBookspostedpriortoNovember2003,witheBooknumbersBELOW#10000,arefiledin
directoriesbasedontheirreleasedate.IfyouwanttodownloadanyoftheseeBooksdirectly,rather
thanusingtheregularsearchsystemyoumayutilizethefollowingaddressesandjustdownloadbythe
etextyear.
http://www.gutenberg.net/etext06
(Or/etext05,04,03,02,01,00,99,
98,97,96,95,94,93,92,92,91or90)
EBookspostedsinceNovember2003,withetextnumbersOVER#10000,arefiledinadifferentway.
Theyearofareleasedateisnolongerpartofthedirectorypath.Thepathisbasedontheetext
number(whichisidenticaltothefilename).Thepathtothefileismadeupofsingledigits
correspondingtoallbutthelastdigitinthefilename.ForexampleaneBookoffilename10234would
befoundat:
http://www.gutenberg.net/1/0/2/3/10234
orfilename24689wouldbefoundat:http://www.gutenberg.net/2/4/6/8/24689
AnalternativemethodoflocatingeBooks:http://www.gutenberg.net/GUTINDEX.ALL
170/170

American Humorous Short Strories

Uploaded by

Document Information

Copyright

Available Formats

Share this document

Share or Embed Document

Sharing Options

Did you find this document useful?

Is this content inappropriate?

Copyright:

Available Formats

American Humorous Short Strories

Uploaded by

Copyright:

Available Formats

2015.04.11.

You might also like