The Good Speller is Good at Spelling

By: Samantha Brown

HANNAH WARREN, our seventeen year-old heroine, stands on a podium downstage
center. In a semi circle around her, THREE JUDGES sit with flashcards.
HANNAH
Im a good speller. Thats about it.
JUDGE 1
The word is gladiolus.
HANNAH
G-L-A-D-I-O-L-U-S. Gladiolus.
HANNAH
Ive won every grade-wide spelling bee since kindergarten. I beat my
elementary school bee at the mere age of eight years old.
JUDE 2
The word is asceticism.
HANNAH
A-S-C-E-T-I-C-I-S-M. Asceticism.
HANNAH
In high school Ive made it to regionals twice and made it to state round
once but messed up on a word of German origin.
JUDGE 3
The word is interlocutory.
HANNAH
I-N-T-E-R-L-O-C-U-T-O-R-Y. Interlocutory.
I will go to an Ivy-League School if it kills me.
Overlapping, but not in unison.
JUDGE 1
The word is chlorophyll.
JUDE 2
The word is sycophant.
JUDGE 3
The word is esquamulose.
JUDGE 1
The word is Chihuahua.
JUDGE 2
The word is smaragdine.
JUDGE 3
The word is eudemonic.

HANNAH
Struggling to keep up, in between judges
C-H-L-O-R-O-P-H-Y-L-L, S-Y-C-O-P-H-A-N-T, E-S-Q-A-M-U-L-O-S-E, C-H-I-H-U-A-HU-A, S-M-A-R-A-G-D-I-N-E, E-U-D-E-M-O-N-I-C
The judges speak as if they were normal judges at the bee
JUDGE 1
Spell Dartmouth
HANNAH
D-A-R-T-M-O-U-T-H
JUDGE 2
Princeton
HANNAH
P-R-I-N-C-E-T-O-N
JUDGE 3
Columbia
HANNAH
C-O-L-U-M-B-I-A.
ANDY enters from the downstage corner, but strolling in, as if he had been
pacing back and forth right next to her the entire time. Hes got a notebook
full of spelling words in one hand, and a pencil behind his year.
ANDY
Harvard? (beat; this is her nickname) Hey, Harvard, you spelled sauerbraten
wrong.
HANNAH
(snapping out her nightmare) What?
ANDY
There is a u after the first a.
HANNAH
It smells like bud in here.
ANDY
Relax, Hannah. You missed one word.
HANNAH
Do you always have to smoke when Im in here? It throws off my groove.
ANDY
Its a Friday.
HANNAH
Were studying.
ANDY
Its a Friday and were studying. Im allowed to smoke whatever I want.

HANNAH
That word is German. I always mess up German words.
ANDY
You messed up one German word. Its no big deal.
HANNAH
Its related to other German words, which I always mess up. A word of German
origin is going to be my demise. I know it.
ANDY
You need to calm down.
ANDY pantomimes a long lecture he is giving her about he she needs to relax.
HANNAH freezes.
JUDGE 1
Y-A-L-E
JUDGE 2
B-R-O-W-N
JUDGE 3
U-P-E-N-N
ANDY
Youre a genius. Youve got the best grades of anyone I know and you volunteer
for things I dont care about and youre SAT score is/
HANNAH
Thats not enough. Spelling is all I have.
ANDY
Clearly, its not. Any school will be lucky to have you.
HANNAH
There are kids like me everywhere except they go to private schools and their
parents are alumni and I am literally fighting for that one spot they have
left open for a smart, boring, suburban girl.
ANDY
Everyone at those schools are boring. Youre fine.
HANNAH
Thats such a lie and you dont even know.
ANDY
I dont even know?
HANNAH
Because youre artsy and stupid and youre gonna go to poetry school with kids
as goalless as yourself.
ANDY
Can you not take your misspelled word out on me? I may not have goals but I do
have feelings.

HANNAH
Im sorry. My therapist told me to recognize when Im wrong. Andy, I am
recognizing how wrong I am. When I am stressed, I get angry, and I sadly lay
it on you. Thank you for being so kind and so patient. However you should know
without goals you have nothing, therefore I am correct for admonishing you for
your lack of character.
ANDY
(beat)
Isnt it more important to be a kind, self-aware, compassionate, well-rounded
individual?
HANNAH
(beat) I wanna win Nationals. I need to get through State.
ANDY
You beat regionals. Thats pretty legit.
HANNAH
Not enough.
ANDY
Is it five yet?
HANNAH
Ten after.
ANDY
I have to run out. Ill text you about tomorrow.
HANNAH
This is the fourth Friday in a row youve run out. Where are you going?
ANDY
Youve been counting?
HANNAH
Where have you been going?
ANDY
None of your business.
HANNAH
Thats so not true.
ANDY
Ive been going on dates.
HANNAH
So soon?
ANDY
Not that soon.
HANNAH
(relaxing)
Does Roger know?

ANDY
Roger is not my concern. I like someone.
HANNAH
Whats his name?
ANDY
Elena.
HANNAH
Is he French or something?
ANDY
She is Greek.
HANNAH
She.
ANDY
We saw a movie on Saturday. It was nice.
HANNAH
She?
ANDY
I think it might get serious.
HANNAH
She.
ANDY
Yes, Hannah, she.
HANNAH
Are you going to tell Roger? Hes gonna freak out/
ANDY
I dont care- Im not concerning myself with Rogers well-being.
HANNAH
So youre straight again?
ANDY
Its not like that.
HANNAH
I was literally just getting used to you being gay!
ANDY
Im very sorry my sexuality is such a burden on your comfort/
HANNAH
So when you broke up with me it wasnt girls you didnt like. It was just me.
ANDY
Thats not true.

HANNAH
Dont euphemize the situation/
ANDY
Euphemize?
HANNAH
Euphemize. E-U-P-H-E-M-I-Z-E. Euphemize.
ANDY
Next time, get into a vocabulary bee so I actually know what youre talking
about.
HANNAH
I just dont get how we could spend every waking moment together and not be in
love if youre straight.
ANDY
I dont know, Hannah.
HANNAH
Whatever, straight boy.
ANDY
Im not straight.
HANNAH
Go tell Elena.
ANDY
I dated you. That ended. Then, Roger. That also ended. Now, Elena.
HANNAH
Whens that going to end?
ANDY
I dont know, Han.
HANNAH
You cant just keep switching sides every time you get bored. Other people
around you are highly affected by your life choices. I supported you when you
broke up with me because you liked dudes, but I dont know if I can support
you if youre straight. The Gay Pride parade was a big step for me, and I
dont know if there is a Bisexual Pride Parade, but I probably couldnt handle
it regardless.
ANDY
Hannah, Im leaving, and youre gonna think about why you need to calm down.
Ill talk to you tomorrow.
HANNAH
Dont walk out on me. You owe me way more than this.
ANDY
Oh, really? What do I really owe you? Im sorry. Do you live my life, too?
Because I thought it was just me.

HANNAH
I dont have time for your gay-boy games. I need to win a competition.
(intense scowl) Ask me how to spell sauerbraten.
ANDY
How do you spell sauerbraten?
HANNAH
S-A-E-R-B-R-A-T-E-N
ANDY
You forgot the u again.
HANNAH
I think you should leave! Literally, get out!
ANDY
Dont be mad at me.
HANNAH
Im not. Your freaky life choices are your problem.
ANDY
Okay. You keep studying. I will call you when you get less nuts. Which will
probably be never.
HANNAH
Fine. Never call me again. I think youll find you need me a lot more than I
need you.
ANDY leaves.
HANNAH
Takes out her phone, dials, hold it up to her ear.
Hey its me. Im really sorry. Call me back. Bye.
Black out.
In Black out, we hear a voicemail beep.
Hey! Im calling again. Hope youre okay. You know, just call me back
whenever.
Beep
Andy. Im getting really tired of phone-chasing you. Call me.
Beep
Can you at least answer my e-mail?
Beep
My texts?
Beep

I sent you a fruit basket, you fruit, now forgive me!

Beep
Okay, the fruit thing was way out of line. Im sorry.
Beep
Dont be such a girl, Andy, call me!
Beep
Hey, just calling back to clarify the girl thing was not supposed to be a
homosexual slur.
Beep
The lights come up
HANNAH it still on her phone
I found the red rose you gave me two-Valentines Days ago. That was so
romantic and so sweet. I take for granted how patient and kind you are and Im
so sorry. I also found the fake one you gave me last year, with the card that
said Wed be friends until it died. Call me back. This is getting
ridiculous. You cant ignore me forever.
Her phone rings
ANDY!
ANDY enters onstage with his phone in his hand as if hes somewhere else
Oh God, Andy. I was so worried I lost you forever. Our friendship is more
important to me than anything/
ANDY
Hannah, its literally been two hours.
HANNAH
I really messed up and Im really sorry.
ANDY puts her on speaker and starts scrolling through his phone, only halflistening
I should be happy for you. But its so hard. Sometimes, I think I still have
feelings for you, which is really hard. And distracting for my spelling
career. And I looked Elena up on Facebook. She has better hips than me. I know
you dont like me, and I guess Ill learn to deal with that, but its so hard
when the only boy at school who likes me is the weird one with dandruff and
the stutter. I know I need to relax. Im just all stressed out. The Bee is in
four days/
ANDY
I just got an email about a fruit basket.
HANNAH
That was supposed to go to my email. Damn it.

ANDY
Hannah, I think we need some time apart.
HANNAH
Youre breaking up with me again?
ANDY
No, because were not dating anymore. We are just friends. I cant be
responsible for you anymore. You need to relax, get your priorities straight
and take some time for yourself.
HANNAH
While you go to the movies with (bad Greek accent) Elena? Are you just trying
to get rid of me? You said wed be friends until that fake rose died/
ANDY
Take some time to let go of your anger. Goodbye, Hannah.
HANNAH
Dont hang up yet.
ANDY hangs up. HANNAH exits but enter again with her box, which she stands on
in her usual place. ELENA enters through a door upstage and the lighting
should be soft.
ELENA
Hi. Do you know how I get to room 345?
HANNAH
Andy will never forget the first moment he saw Elena.
ANDY
(to audience) She was really pretty. (to Elena) Down the hall, make a left.
(back to audience) But my boyfriend had just broken up with me a month before
and I had sworn off boys for good. And girls. I didnt really differentiate in
my head what I was swearing off, but I knew I didnt want to be bothered.
ELENA
Thanks. Are you in my math class?
ANDY
I dont know. I might be. (to audience) I totally was.
HANNAH
This isnt the first time youve seen her?
ANDY
No, this is the first time I spoke to her.
HANNAH
Damn it. This throws off my whole thing.
ANDY
Your whole thing?
HANNAH
Forget it. Ill be back. (HANNAH exits)

ANDY
Hannah was the craziest girl I ever dated. She was clingy, she was demanding,
and she was always asking me to help her study. When a fifteen year old boy
gets asked to go to his girlfriends house to study hes expecting the
opposite of studying. And every time I would go over to study, I would
literally sit there and watch her memorize spelling words and logarithms. Life
was not meant for formulas.
HANNAH
Storming back in, with a sweater on. Perhaps a lighting change, to show these
are a series of flashblacks.
Thats so not true! Without formulas wed have no medicine, no buildings, no
nothing! You are so simple-minded sometimes!
ANDY
And I got so sick of Hannah calling me simple-minded just because I didnt
want to go to Harvard.
During this time, Hannah takes off a sweater, and the lights change to show a
change in scene.
HANNAH
Trade school?
ANDY
I like carpentry.
HANNAH
The New School?
ANDY
I was thinking about creative writing.
HANNAH
Thats not a career.
ANDY
Hannah needs to marry the president, or a doctor. The problem is most
teenagers dont know that kind of stuff yet. And Hannah wanted someone she
could potentially mold into a husband. She put way too much pressure on me and
one day I just exploded/
HANNAH
Big lighting change
What do you mean its over?
ANDY
And a couple of months later I started dating Roger and Hannah approached me
about how it was:
HANNAH
Less dramatic lighting change
So brave of me to come out.
ANDY
And how I should always:

10

HANNAH
Be so proud of who you are.
ANDY
And that she would:
HANNAH
Be so honored to be friends again.
ANDY
So I said
HANNAH
(totally switching gears) Another super dramatic lighting change
What the hell, Andy? (beat)
Elena? Screw you; were never gonna be friends ever.
HANNAH exits and slams the door.
ELENA
Softer lighting. Back to original scene
Do you wanna see a movie?
ANDY
I realized Elena was new and didnt know who Roger was. And I realized he
would probably freak out. And I realized my mom was really into supporting me
and would probably be confused. And I realized my baseball team had put gay
pride buttons on their bat bags because theyre good people. But, there was
just something about this girl that made me like her, the same way there was
something about Roger and even something about Hannah. The world is getting
way more progressive but not any less confusing.
(to Elena) I do want to see a movie with you.
EVERY character in the play, and maybe some ADS, pop out their heads from
various corners backstage. Doors may swing open.
What do you mean youre straight again?
Heads retract and the doors slam.
ANDY
Maybe the world isnt as progressive as I hoped. He exits
HANNAH
Dear, Andy.
I tried not texting you. And it worked for two days. But its really hard to
not talk to my best friend for 48 hours. The Bee is in two days. I really hope
youll come. I think you should bring Elena.
HANNAH looks up at her phone and talks to the audience
Because that twit should know that even if shes prettier, Im smarter and
more talented.
HANNAH looks down at her phone

11

I think you should bring Elena, because I should support you in your straight
endeavors as much as your gay ones. Ill buy coffee after with my winning
money. If I lose, Ill buy coffee with my babysitting money.
(beat)
Okay. Bye.
As she turns to walk back upstage, a group of three girls, KELLY, LAURIE, AND
CHEYENNE enter, including the three judges from the bee who stand removed.
This scene should simulate three girls in a locker room gossiping. ELENA
enters, and she stands removed from the girls on the other side of the
simulated locker room.
KELLY
Did you hear? Andys got a woody for Elena! If I was Hannah Warren I would be
so pissed.
HANNAH, upon hearing her name, hides from the girls.
CHEYENNE
If I knew he was straight again I wouldve hit that way before Elena Stavros.
KELLY
Maybe hes into exotic women.
LAURIE
Shes only half Greek, a. And b, shes barely a woman shes a virgin.
CHEYENNE
Do you think Hannah lost her virginity to Andy?
KELLY
Probably, shes so desperate for attention she probably loved it.
LAURIE
I hope she gets into some fancy school so she can get the hell out of here and
leave the rest of us alone.
CHEYENNE
If my gay boyfriend started seeing someone else, Id get out before college.
Id probably just drop out.
LAURIE
Do either of you even know what Elena looks like?
CHEYENNE
Barely, I friended her on Facebook but her picture is from 2013.
KELLY
Makes sense, gay boys always pounce on unsuspecting victims. New girls,
neurotic freaks with attention issuesthats usually the deal.
HANNAH goes to exit, but she is caught by the girls.
KELLY
Hannah, did you hear about Andy and Elena?
LAURIE

12

Your socialist boy-toy has a new beard. How does that make you feel?
The lights black out except for one spotlight on Hannah.
HANNAH
The scary thing was that I didnt feel anything. I felt too bothered to be
dealt with their nonsense. Besides, when she approached me I was going over
the spelling of sacrilegious in my head.
The lights completely black out.
KELLY
Oh my God, did she just faint?
ELENA
Get a teacher, now!
KELLY
Who are you?
LAURIE
Have you been listening to us the entire time?
CHEYENNE
Oh my God, are you Elena? Your hips got a lot smaller since 2013.
KELLY
What its like dating Andy?
LAURIE
Is it weird dating someone who used to date guys?
CHEYENNE
One guy/
LAURIE
Still counts!
ELENA
Guys! A teacher!
KELLY
Ill go.
KELLY exits. Still in darkness, a spotlight hits Hannah.
HANNAH
That faint was the best sleep I had gotten in six weeks. I milked lying down a
little longer than I shouldve.
Lights come up
LAURIE
Shes been laying there for a half hour.
CHEYENNE
Wheres Kelly with the teacher?

13

ELENA
Ill go find her.
LAURIE
Dont do that!
ELENA and CHEYENNE look at LAURIE
LAURIE
Shes a big girl. She can handle it.
Total blackout. Lights come back up.
ANDY enters incredibly perturbed with Elena following him. KELLY also enters
on the other side of the stage as if she is a part of another world. She
should be standing or sitting on HANNAHs box.
ANDY
This is so much like her. She is such a drama queen, passing out because of a
stupid spelling bee.
ELENA
Andy, I dont know if this is because of the bee.
ANDY
What do you mean?
ELENA
I was in the locker room right before she fell/
KELLY
She was muttering letters when she fell. And when she was on the floor.
ELENA
The girls in there said some rally crappy stuff about you and me and Hannah.
KELLY
I think shes really stressed from the bee. I think the school board should
relieve her of duties to participate in state and her runner-up from the
school should participate.
ELENA
They didnt say that much about you. They called you a socialist.
Andy
Fair enough. And Hannah?
ELENA
They called her really mean things. She heard it all. Cut her some slack.
KELLY
I mean, I dont want to volunteer myself to go in her place, but I will if
shes too sick.
(beat)
Oh, no its really my pleasure.

14

The lights black out. HANNAH screams and the lights go back up on a bare
stage and HANNAH running onstage.
HANNAH
No, no, no, no, no! She is not taking my place in state! It was one faint, Im
fine.
ANDY
Running in after her with ELENA
Maybe its a good thing. You need to relax.
ELENA
No, I think she should do it. Dont let that awful girl take your place! She
let Hannah lie on the floor in the locker room for thirty minutes. I was
there. When I went to go get her she hadnt even gotten a teacher yet. Screw
her, Hannah. She couldnt even get past the school-wide competition.
HANNAH
Are you Elena?
ELENA
Yes.
HANNAH
Pleasure to meet you, Im Hannah.
ANDY
(beat)
That went over much better than expected.
HANNAH
I may be losing my spot in the bee; your Greek girlfriend is the least of my
concerns.
ELENA
Im half Greek, and why is that even notable? I moved here from Staten Island,
not the Mediterranean!
ANDY
Ive just been seeing you go really crazy lately and I think you need to cool
it.
Lights change. HANNAHs parents enter.
HANNAHS DAD
Hannah, you need to cool it.
HANNAHS MOM
I did not spend my whole life working towards your future to have you blow up
senior year like a balloon.
HANNAHS DAD
Were concerned for your well-being.
HANNAHS MOM
But I dont want to hear you complain.

15

HANNAHS DAD
Either do the bee and stop passing out, or no bee, at all.
HANNAH
Im gonna do the bee.
ANDY
What?
HANNAH
Im gonna do the bee, and everything will be fine.
Every character in the play enters and gathers in a semi circle. Something
should signal to the audience that this is a dream. Characters can have pitch
forks and devil-horns. KELLYS parents make their entrance, and ANDYs
parents make their first appearance. KELLY enters with a box in her hands,
but HANNAH takes it and puts it down.
HANNAH
Quickly, prepping herself
S-A-U-E-R-B-R-A-T-E-N, S-A-U-E-R-B-R-A-T-E-N, S-A-U-E-R-B-R-A-T-E-N, S-AU--ER-B-R-A-T-E-N
KELLY
If you choke, Im taking your place.
ANDY
Go, Hannah!
ELENA
You got this, girl!
MOM
Please dont faint!
JUDGE 1
The word is schappe.
HANNAH
S-C-H-A-P-P-E Schappe.
JUDGE 1
That is correct.
Cheers from the audience
KELLYS MOM
(to Kelly)
Do you know how embarrassing it is for me that the Warren girl is getting into
Cornell and not you because of letters in the alphabet? I am a legacy. I swear
if you end up at UChicago or some other bum school you can pay your own
tuition.
KELLY
Mom, just watch the bee.
KELLYS DAD

16

That should be my little girl!

ANDY
Dont listen to him, Hannah!
ANDYS MOM
Oh, Hannah. Im just so sorry about Andy. Although I love and support him very
much, I, too, am sad my son is no longer gay.
ANDYS DAD
You can be whatever you want son.
ANDYS MOM
But it was so fun, shopping together!
ANDYS DAD
Elena is prettier than Hannah, anyway. Hear that, Hannah? She has a better
butt, too!
ANDYS MOM
Ill miss brunches with my son.
ANDY
I can still have brunch, mom.
ANDYS MOM
What will I do with my pride pin?
ANDY
You can still leave it on your/
ANDYS MOM
My bumper sticker?
ANDY
It can stay.
JUGDE 2
Spell hydrophyte.
HANNAH
H-Y-D-R-P-H-Y-T-E. Hydrophyte.
KELLYS MOM
I called my sorority sister. Shes an admissions officer at Cornell. Hannah
wont be allowed anywhere near that place. Daddys friend works admissions at
Yale. Hell be over for lunch tomorrow at one p.m. so wear that blouse I
bought you where your breasts look nice, but theres no cleavage/
HANNAHS MOM
Hannah, Ivys arent everything. Your dad and I never got to college. Well be
very happy to see you at least graduate somewhere.
JUDGE 3
The word is antediluvian.
HANNAH

17

A-N-T-E-D-I-L-U-V-I-A-N. Antediluvian.
HANNAHS DAD
Wed be happy to see you at Community College.
JUDGE 1
Heres one. Can you spell, shame?
HANNAH
What?
JUDGE 2
Embarrassment?
JUDGE 3
Better get used to this now, because this how youre going to feel in
community college. Can you even spell community college?
HANNAH freezes. The lights go out except for a spotlight on her.
ANDY
Hannah, snap out of it.
ELENA
Is she okay?
ANDY
This is the second time shes fainted.
ELENA
I wouldnt tell anyone.
ANDY
Her health is at risk.
ELENA
And well take care of her after the bee. I know this stupid competition isnt
everything, but this is literally all she has.
The lights black out.
When they come back HANNAH is alone on her box.There is a big sign behind her
that says REGIONAL SPELLING BE.E The only other person onstage is JUDGE 1
JUDGE 1
The word is sauerbraten.
HANNAH
What?
JUDGE 1
Sauerbraten
HANNAH
Youve got to be kidding me.
JUDGE 1

18

Please spell the word, Miss Warren.

HANNAH
Done.
JUDGE 1
What?
HANNAH
D-O-N-E. Done.
JUDGE 1
That is incorrect.
HANNAH
I dont care.
JUDGE 1
Miss Warren/
HANNAH
For once, I dont care. Its over. Im done.
HANNAH Gets off her box, JUDGE 1 leaves and ANDY intercepts HANNAHs exit.
ANDY
Hannah, what are you doing?
HANNAH
Im done, Andy. Im gonna, take up pottery or something.
ANDY
What?
HANNAH
I hate spelling. I dont wanna do it anymore.
ELENA
enters
Hannah, what happened out there?
HANNAH
Will you have a slumber party with me? (beat)
Ive never had one before.
ELENA
Okay?
HANNAH
Friday at seven. That gives me two hours to prepare for your arrival after my
SAT tutor leaves.
ANDY
What about Harvard?
HANNAH

19

Do we paint our nails?

ANDY
I think youve finally lost it.
HANNAH
I can prepare babaganoush as a healthy, yet delectable snack.
ANDY
Would you answer me?
HANNAH
Screw Harvard! You know, it wasnt even the schools themselves I was
infatuated with. It was the idea of me going somewhere so prestigious. Maybe I
should actually tour the campuses. I hate spelling. I dont want to do all of
this anymore, so Im not gonna. (beat)
Im going to tell my mom about our sleepover.
They start to walk. HANNAH stops
I hope this personal growth will make a really good topic for my Common
Application Essay. I was honestly very worried I didnt have a story
fascinating enough, but this is it.
HANNAH exits.
ELENA
Im busy Friday.
ANDY
Dont tell her.
ELENA
I have my cousins wedding.
ANDY
(still stunned from Hannahs change of heart)
Im afraid shell burn down your house if you dont go. Blow it off.
HANNAH
entering without her box
That was my last Spelling Bee.
ANDY
A year later we got back all of our acceptances.
ELENA
Hannah didnt get into a single Ivy.
HANNAH
Only because I didnt apply.
The lights black out. Music plays. It looks like the end of the play. Lights
go back up. Just Hannah is back on stage.
HANNAH

20

Okay I totally applied and didnt get in. Just dont tell anyone. Im very
happy where Im going. You dont need to know where, though. I dont want to
brag.
The play actually ends.

CHARACTERS
HANNAH
ANDY
ELENA
JUDGE 1
JUGDE 2
JUDGE 3
KELLY
LAURIE
CEYENNE
KELLYS MOM
HANNAHS MOM
ANDYS MOM
KELLYS DAD
HANNAHS DAD
ANDYS DAD

21