Established during the age of exploration...of Pitt’s campus...by freshmen...

last year
April

The Pittiful News

The Official Satirical Newspaper of the University of Pittsburgh, Published Weekly • Vol. 2 • Issue 23
“We’re not pitiful, the news is.”
Blind driver takes wheel of disability shuttle
By: Lewis Lehe
Staff Writer
driver‟s seat for his maiden
voyage at 9:30 AM, as a sup-
The University of Pittsburgh portive crowd chanted his
took its Disability Shuttle to name and waved signs that
the next level Friday morning held no meaning for Scoefield,
by hiring a blind driver after who was too far away to touch
critics lambasted the Disability the signs with his fingers.
Shuttle as “inaccessible.” “This has always been a
Henry Scoefield, who has dream of mine,” said Scoefield,
been blind for all of his 34 prompting bystanders to won-
years, strapped into the der what blind people‟s dream
are like. “And now, you rest of
you can see my dream come
true.”
University officials declined
to speculate on the Disability
Shuttle‟s route and estimated
pick-up times, but, as of press
time, the shuttle has boosted
pickups at previously-
underserved locations, includ-
ing the Cathedral lawn, the
09
2010
upper entrance of Hillman li-
brary, and the weight-lifting
benches inside of the Pete.
Have you taken a trip on the
shuttle? Tell us about it; e-mail
PittifulNews@gmail.com

Weather affects glances at lawn And now for something serious...

By: Jake Swanson
Editor-in-Chief
Researchers at the University
of Pittsburgh have discovered a
direct correlation between ex-
treme temperatures and the
ratio of people who look at Sol-
diers and Sailors‟ lawn.
Since the weather became
warm and sunny over the past
weeks, a good deal more stu-
dents have glanced or even
stared at the museum‟s lawn as
they pass. A similar effect was
shown in the winter.
“We first thought that it
might have been that # of stu-
dents glancing at the lawn is
equal to some constant times
the number of snowmen on the
lawn squared,” said research
leader Thomas Antwiler.
“With, of course, a vertical as-
ymptote that sets the limit for
how many snowmen can be
there. But the lack of snowmen
and the increased number of
glances completely offsets all
our data.”
Students cannot exactly spec-
ify why they keep looking to-
wards the lawn.
“It‟s just something about
the tank-top of the ass, er, top
of the grass,” said sophomore
Steve Norton.
“I can‟t pinpoint it,” said The Pittiful News would like to take a moment to acknowl-
Anna Michaels, a Pitt junior. “I edge the passing of Honors College dean and Pitt professor
can‟t figure out-dear God that Glenn „Doc‟ Stewart.
Frisbee player is hot and Stewart will always have a special place in our hearts, as he
sweaty, er, rock-steady. He
was one of the first Pitt faculty members to not only acknowl-
caught that disc like a pro.”
edge our organization, but also be ready to support us.
Researchers are only left to
He read our paper, he laughed at our paper, and he was an
conclude that the variable is
the temperature. adult (which was always reassuring; it‟s nice to know that it‟s
“When it‟s hot or cold, then not just us immature college students who can laugh at G-20-
people look at the lawn, but victim-police-dog-bestiality jokes).
when it‟s temperate, or in tech- Pitt lost a man who was not only a great asset to the Uni-
nical terms, light jacket versity, but was also just a great and pretty cool guy.
weather, then no one looks,” Rest in peace, Doc Stewart. Jan. 14, 1941-Apr. 7, 2010.
said science person Rob Parnell.
Although many of the re-
searchers are believing this pro-
ject to be concluded, some, such
as Antwiler, are discontent.
“I‟m quite sure we‟re wrong
on this, and I don‟t say that hot
tan, er, often,” Antwiler said,
staring at the grounds. “Maybe
it is the original parabola.
Maybe the hot weather makes
there be negative snowmen.
That would make sense.”
Research teams are now be-
ginning work on both finding a
practical application for these
findings, and examining the
potential correlation between
hot weather and Rita‟s Ice cups
mysteriously appearing in trash Emma Weimer/Photographer
cans.
OM NOM NOMS!!!!
Finals week found advancing;
Obama deploys troops

The Pittiful News

Pitt‟s Official Satirical Newspaper
Meetings: Mondays @ 9:00, Cathedral Room 329
Send us writings: PittifulNews@gmail.com
Pick us up: Fridays, 2-4 in Towers Lobby
Read us online: www.pittifulnews.com
We‟re not pitiful, the news is.
PitTiful News STAFF
Editor-in-Chief: Jake Swanson
David Bietzel Rachel Harris John Mooney Julie Rozen Eileen Tong
Brittany Binder Caitlin Kempf Brigid Mulholland Mike Ruane Emma Weimer
Emily Croushore Becky Kerner Greg Norcie Matt Russak
Jess Edelstein Lewis Lehe Phil Papa David Smeresky