CHAPTER NINE

“Become an Accident Investigator on Clumzy and

you’ve got a job for life…until a friggin building
falls on you, that is!”
BUTCH BRADLEY

PART ONE
An hour behind Kharg and the Klingers, the Orion approached Clumzy. The Capt
ain had contacted the planet’s ruler, Olaf Akcy Dent and explained the purpose o
f their visit – to find out what lay at the site of the co-ordinates Kharg had d
iscovered.
Unaware that Kharg had come and gone, Olaf agreed enthusiastically to their
visit and always on the lookout to impress the Federation, he decided to lay on
an extravagant welcome.
Mr Sprock, although still locked in his cabin with his current cocker spanie
l-like ears, was to be left in charge of the ship. The Captain was beaming down
reluctantly, knowing what Clumzy was like and had chosen Butch Bradley to accomp
any him in case they ran into any trouble.
They materialised in the capital town’s main square which was crowded on all
sides with people waiting excitedly to see the welcoming show. Olaf, who was ju
st out of hospital, came forward to greet them. Like Silas he had also reached a
weary middle age – large sad eyes were the prominent feature in his tired, line
d face and most of his hair had departed along with his youthful years.
“Ah, greetings, greetings, Captain Rock and First Officer Bradson,” he gushe
d, shaking hands with them. “Welcome to our humble planet.”
“Thank you, sir,” replied the Captain, at the same time digging a sniggering
Butch in the ribs.
Olaf led them up to the VIP platform which was decorated with flags and bunt
ing. They all remained standing as the band struck up the Federation national an
them followed by Clumzy’s.
As the last chords died away everyone took their seats and the bumbling Olaf
fumbled with his papers as he prepared to make his welcoming speech.
“Federation friends,” he began, “it really gives me great pleasure to welcom
e you to our little planet and we hope your stay will be a pleasant one. I’d lik
e to welcome you on behalf of myself, the noblemen of Clumzy, the people of Clum
zy, the…er…the…er,” he broke off, losing his place, “oh yes and not forgetting t
he plants and animals of Clumzy and oh I must mention Mrs Narok who made those d
elightful little pineapple Upside Down Cakes,” he said, pointing to a buffet tab
le. “You must try some, Captain, they really are delicious.”
Captain Kork nodded and smiled politely. Beside him Butch bit his lip and lo
oked away.
“Often wonder why they’re called Upside Down Cakes,” mused Olaf, his mind wa
ndering away from his speech. “I mean if they really were upside down the sponge
part would be at the top and the fruit would be at the bottom. That wouldn’t be
very good though, would it?” he asked, peering round. “I mean the fruit would s
tick to the…to the paper when you er pulled it off and you’d have to sort of scr
ape it…yes you’d have to scrape it off with your fingers…or a small spoon…or som
ething like that.”
He paused and thinking he’d finished, the band struck up with their next tun
e but Olaf continued and they had to break off.
“The point I’d like to make,” he went on, “is that…is that…oh dear, I seem t
o have forgotten it. Have you any idea what it was Deputy?”
“I think you were rambling on about Upside Down Cakes,” replied his Deputy,
used to this sort of thing.
“Ah yes, Upside Down Cakes,” agreed Olaf, turning back to the crowds. “Yes t
he Upside Down cake reminds me of life every time I eat one,” he continued. “I m
ean if you imagine the sponge of the Upside Down Cake as the sort of stodge, the
sort of mundane things we all have to go through each day, then the fruit repre
sents the more interesting exciting things we all have to look forward to.”
“Like your next Upside Down Cake,” muttered Butch and it was the Captain’s t
urn to snigger.
Olaf broke off and the band waited. They’d been fooled once before and weren
’t for rushing into anything. The Conductor watched Olaf closely for a few momen
ts then relaxed. He smiled and turned to his musicians and raised his baton howe
ver just as he was about to wave them into the opening bars…
“So if I could just extend our warmest upside down, I mean warmest welcome t
o our Federation friends,” Olaf bumbled on, “and ask them to…ask them to…” He st
opped again, getting his notes mixed up. “Ah yes, ask them to send that black-ha
ired majorette in the yellow mini-skirt round to my office after the show. What!
?! I think this must be yours, Deputy,” he said, passing the sheet of paper to h
im.
His Deputy pulled at his collar and looking distinctly embarrassed, took the
sheet and quickly shoved it into a pocket.
“So without any more ado, I’d like to present this little welcoming show of
ours,” Olaf finished and sat down.
“Thank God for that,” muttered the Captain.
Olaf signalled to the band but the Conductor had lost interest by this time
and it took a few tugs on his jacket from one of his musicians before he finally
got the message and raised his baton.
Playing a stirring military tune, the band marched across the square, leadin
g the circus entertainers who were to provide the first part of the show – juggl
ers, clowns, acrobats, horseback riders, elephants and caged tigers all paraded
in front of the VIP platform and were cheered by the crowd.
When the band reached the opposite side of the square they stopped playing a
nd began forming up again in front of three rusting tanks which were to do a dri
ve past in the second part of the show.
In the square the entertainment got under way: the jugglers tossed their ligh
ted clubs in intricate patterns; the clowns chased each other in and out of the
crowd; the elephants were coaxed onto their knees by their handlers and the tige
rs prowled around in criss-crossing tunnels.
High above the laughing, cheering crowds, two balloonists waved from their b
askets and showered the square with sparkling confetti.
“You know, this is going pretty well for Clumzy,” Butch whispered to the Cap
tain as they watched the show.
The Captain smiled at him. “Give it time,” he muttered confidently. “Just gi
ve it time.”
Shortly afterwards he was proved correct.
Like a lot of disasters, this one began simply enough. Attracted by the nois
y colourful spectacle, Zall materialised unnoticed at the edge of the crowd. He
watched the show awhile then unable to resist the temptation, he groped the rear
of an attractive woman who was standing in front of him.
“You filthy swine!” she screamed at the man next to her, thinking he was the
culprit and slapped him across the face.
Taken by surprise the man staggered sideways and in a domino effect knocked
down several other people.
The last person to fall knocked over a passing trifle seller and as he went
down his trifles went flying through the air. One of them splattered on to the f
ace of the band Conductor and automatically he raised his hands to wipe the mess
away.
Thinking he was raising his baton, the band started up and the Conductor, th
inking he’d missed his cue again quickly wiped the trifle from his face and led
them out into the square.
“That’s our signal,” the lead tank commander said to his driver, hearing the
music. “Let’s go.”
The tank trundled forward after the band closely followed by the other two.
 In the square the circus show was only half-way through and the performers,
totally engrossed in their acts, were oblivious to what was approaching.
“Here it comes!” muttered the Captain with relish, seeing the advancing band
and tanks.
Chewing on an unlit cigar, Butch nodded agreement. “Looks like it could be a
beauty!” he muttered back, grinning.
First to go was the eight man acrobatic troupe. The marching band ploughed i
nto their pyramid, knocking them to the ground and trampling over them and two m
embers became intimate with the lead tank’s rusting metal tracks.
“On to the other tank, boys!” shouted the leader, undeterred by the catastro
phe.
Three of the troupe leapt on to the second tank and were standing on each ot
hers shoulders when the commander opened his turret.
“What the hell’s all that noise?” he asked, throwing the hatch back and send
ing the depleted troupe into the path of the third tank.
Still playing away, the band panicked the elephants who reacted in a way tha
t was perfectly understandable under the circumstances – they emptied their bowe
ls.
Unfortunately the contents landed on a couple of clowns who had been threate
ning to throw buckets of tiny fish over the spectators.
“Shit!!” the clowns yelled in unison and their threat became reality and the
contents of the buckets were thrown.
Tiny wriggling fish landed in the crowd and found their way into people’s ha
ir, down women’s cleavages and into children’s open mouths. Panic erupted, with
the women screaming, the children yelling and people tearing at their hair and c
lothes.
“Oh dear! Oh dear!” said Olaf as he watched his welcoming show disintegratin
g. “Things don’t seem to be going as planned, do they?”
“Never mind,” Butch said consolingly. “Have an Upside Down Cake.”
In the square the tanks now fanned out as planned and two of them crushed th
e tiger tunnels allowing several highly aggressive animals their long sought fre
edom. They dived into the crowd, roaring and growling and ripping at anything wi
thin reach.
One of them pounced on a juggler and his burning clubs went flying wildly, s
etting fire to bunting and flags and some of the wooden spectator platforms.
“I think you’d better call the Fire Brigade,” the Captain suggested to Olaf.
Olaf shrugged resignedly. “There’s no point,” he said. “They’re all in the b
and.”
In the square another of the tigers attacked an elephant which, in its despe
ration to escape, charged around trumpeting wildly and trampling anyone who got
in its way.
“Let’s stop that elephant,” the lead tank commander said to his gunner. “Fir
e as soon as you get him in your sights.”
The gunner took aim and fired but the shot missed and exploded against a nea
rby building, causing an entire side of it to collapse and sending dust and smok
e drifting across the square.
“Demolition our speciality!” said Butch, watching an adjacent building begin
to collapse as well.
Enraged by being fired at, the elephant attacked the tank and tried to toppl
e it. The gunner fired again but the shot flew into the air and burst both the h
ot air balloons which were floating not too high above them.
The baskets and their screaming occupants plummeted earthwards. Straight for
the VIP platform.
“Beam me back, Jocky!” yelled Butch as he and the Captain dived out of the w
ay.
“Oh shit!” muttered Olaf, looking up. “Help!” he yelled as he struggled to h
is feet. “Help! Help! Aaarrgghh!!”
He didn’t make it.
One of the baskets landed smack on top of the awning, plunged through into t
he platform and the entire flimsy structure collapsed, leaving Olaf and the ball
oonists groaning somewhere underneath it.
The square was now a heaving, screaming, yelling, panicking confusion of men
, women, children, animals, tanks, collapsing buildings and raging fires.
The Captain and Butch had escaped to the safety of a side street and they su
rveyed the fabulous disaster of the welcoming show.
“I think I’d rather face aggressive Klingers than friendly Clumzies,” the Ca
ptain remarked philosophically to a grinning, cigar chewing Butch.
“Agreed,” said Butch. “You know what really pisses me off though?”
“What’s that?” asked the Captain.
“We’ll never get a friggin Upside Down Cake now!”
PART TWO
From his hospital bed where he was now lying with two broken arms, Olaf issu
ed orders to provide the Captain and Butch with a guide to lead them to the site
of the co-ordinates from the Krystals.
Not wishing to risk or even witness any more accidents they skirted the town
and headed out into the country. After a mile the Captain re-checked his co-ord
inates on a small direction scanner and they seemed to be leading to a dilapidat
ed cottage which nestled at the foot of some gently sloping hills a short distan
ce in front of them.
The guide left and the Captain and Butch surveyed the scene. Night was begin
ning to fall and the cottage lay in eerie gathering twilight.
“Kharg or the Klingers could be in there,” the Captain whispered as they pee
red out from behind some bushes.
Butch drew his pearl-handled laser pistols and clicked them on. “I’ll handle
this!” he announced, squaring his shoulders and puffing out his chest.
Using all available cover he cautiously approached the cottage, flitting fro
m tree to tree and boulder to boulder. He made it without being fired at and tip
toed onto the small veranda then flattened himself against the wall next to the
door.
After a careful check that they weren’t in danger of being annihilated by la
ser fire, he signalled the Captain who approached cautiously and flattened himse
lf on the other side of the door.
“We go in on ‘three’!” Butch hissed. “Ready?”
The Captain nodded and checked his laser pistol.
“One,” whispered Butch, “two…three…go!”
He leapt out, pistols in front of him and the Captain knocked on the door.
Butch stared at him in disbelief. “Not like that!” he hissed angrily. “Like
this!” He kicked the door open and dived in, sweeping the room with his lasers b
ut it was empty.
The Captain joined him and they were making a quick search when they heard s
ome noise from above. Cautiously, they tiptoed up some rickety stairs and along
a short dingy passage until they were outside a room door then flattened themsel
ves on either side of it again.
“I’ll do it this time!” whispered Butch. He mouthed ‘One, two, three,’ to hi
mself then burst in, lasers up and sweeping.
“Are you the doctor?” Stella’s mother asked from the bed. “It’s me bowels. I
haven’t had a good--”
But the Captain and Butch had already gone. They quickly descended the stair
s and continued their search, discovering another room at the back of the cottag
e where the door was slightly ajar.
Butch crept forward and peered in and grinned at what he saw – a huffing and
puffing Silas was engaged in things with his blonde beauty that he hadn’t engag
ed in with Stella for a long time.
Butch tiptoed over to the bed and stuck a laser pistol at the side of Silas’
s head. “Freeze Casanova!” he ordered. “Hold it right there!”
“He is!” the blonde said, giggling.
“Off!” ordered Butch.
“Couldn’t you give me a couple of minutes?” pleaded Silas.
 Butch brought his second laser pistol up to the other side of his head.
“Perhaps not,” Silas conceded and heaved himself round to a sitting position
. “What can I do for you gentlemen?” he asked, mopping at some sweat on his brow
.
Quickly the Captain told him about Kharg and the co-ordinates from the Kryst
als and asked if he’d had any visitors. Silas told him what had happened and how
the Klingers went after the Sphere, followed by Kharg.
“So the Klingers are ahead of Kharg,” mused the Captain.
Silas nodded. “By about half an hour I’d say,” Silas told him.
“Hey Captain!” Butch called. “Take a look at this.”
The Captain strolled over and joined him. Butch had lit another candle and h
ad looked round the room and found the large hole in the floor.
“What’s that?” he asked, pointing at the bottom of the hole.
The Captain crouched down and had a look. “Something’s glittering,” he said.
“Is this where the Sphere came from?” he asked Silas.
“The very spot,” Silas replied.
“I wonder if it’s traces from the Sphere? Can you reach it?” he asked Butch.
Butch laid one of his pistols aside and knelt down. He stretched his arm int
o the hole and groped around. When he straightened up there were tiny gold parti
cles all over his fingers.
“What colour was the Sphere?” the Captain asked Silas.
“Gold,” the Sorcerer replied.
“These particles could be from it then,” said Butch.
The Captain nodded. “Let’s take some samples and get them back to the Orion
for analysis.”
Butch tore off a strip from the bed sheet and collected more of the gold par
ticles then carefully wiped his fingers on the strip.
The Captain flicked open his Transceiver. “Captain to bridge,” he said into
it.
“Yes sir?” replied Lieutenant Youhoor.
“Stand by to beam us back,” the Captain instructed. “Tell Dr Malloy we’re br
inging some samples with us. I want an immediate analysis on them.”
“Understood,” said Youhoor. “Activating Transporter.”
Silas breathed a sigh of relief when the Captain and Butch vanished. He lay
back on the bed but just as he was about to take up where he’d left off, a const
ant thump, thump, thump on the ceiling interrupted him.
“Oh bloody hell!” he cursed, sitting up again. “Now what?”
The thumping continued.
Muttering away to himself, Silas threw on a robe and got out of bed. He rumm
aged in a drawer and brought out a large wooden mallet. Glancing up at the ceili
ng he smacked the mallet into his palm a few times and grinned.
“I’ll just take Mother up a sleeping tablet,” he said to the blonde. “Shan’t
be long.”
PART THREE
Ahead of Kharg and the Orion, the Klinger Mother Ship was cruising along beh
ind the Sphere. They had followed it away from Clumzy and it had headed deep int
o space, General Draygo watching it all the time on his forward observation scre
en.
The Sphere had travelled at the equivalent of Warped Speed for over an hour
then it began to slow down, indicating that it might be nearing its destination.
“Reduce speed and keep us the same distance behind the Sphere,” Draygo order
ed his Helmsman then strode over to the Navigator’s console. “Where’s it heading
if it maintains its present course?” he asked.
The Navigator had been plotting the Sphere’s journey across space and he fed
in his latest figures then glanced at Draygo, thick eyebrows raised in surprise
. He stood up and tapped an area on his monitor. “My God!” he said. “It’s headin
g towards a Black Hole!”
The General’s thick eyebrows also shot up. “A Black Hole!? Are you sure?”
 “Positive,” replied the Navigator. “If you retrace the Sphere’s course, it’s
been heading towards the Hole ever since it left Clumzy.”
“The Sphere has halted!” announced the Helmsman.
Draygo glanced over at the observation screen. “How far is it from the Hole?
”
“Fifty space miles.”
“That puts it right on the edge of the Hole’s gravity field,” the Navigator
told him.
“Then it looks as if it’s going in,” said Draygo.
“Why?” asked the Navigator. “If it gets anywhere near the surface it’ll get
sucked in and destroyed.”
As they watched, the Sphere began moving around the edge of the Hole’s gravi
ty field as if lining itself up then moved back half a space mile and stopped ag
ain.
“Take a note of its exact position,” Draygo ordered the Navigator. “And I me
an exact.”
He strode back over to his chair, slipped into it and watched the screen clo
sely. Suddenly the Sphere shot forwards at high speed and entered the Hole’s gra
vity field.
“Keep us here,” Draygo ordered the Helmsman.
The Sphere was now racing towards the Hole’s surface, a bright gold meteor s
hooting into the blackness below. Its speed increased as it continued on its unc
hanged course and flames began licking around it and fanned out behind in a spik
y tail. There was a brief orange glow when it crashed onto the surface of the Ho
le followed by a muffled explosion. Then nothing.
“Look’s as if it has exploded,” his First Officer remarked.
Draygo wasn’t convinced. “Give me a close-up on where it hit,” he ordered.
The view on the observation screen telescoped forward until the Hole’s undul
ating surface filled the screen. At the spot where the Sphere vanished there was
an area which was lighter than the surrounding blackness.
“Close in on that light area,” Draygo ordered.
At the maximum telescopic view they could see the light area stretching back
a short distance into the Hole.
“A corridor!” exclaimed Draygo, studying the screen. “And a damn big one. Th
at’s where the Sphere went.”
“Do we follow it?” the First Officer asked.
“There’s a ship approaching!” announced the Helmsman.
“Kharg!” said Draygo, a grin spreading over his ugly face. “Activate the Clo
ak and take us half a space mile to the side,” he ordered the Helmsman. “Let’s s
ee what Kharg does before we make a move.”
PART FOUR
CAPTAIN’S LOG : STARDATE 503.94
Dr Malloy’s analysis of the samples from the Sphere which we brought back from C
lumzy showed traces of a substance called Hercurium. Hercurium remains static in
space for several hours and the Sphere left enough in its wake for us to follow
it, using our Element Tracker. Kharg is still ahead of us and since he has now
freed the Sphere, he is well on his way towards possession of the mysterious sub
stance which will allow him to destroy Earth and then dominate the Universe. We
are all that stands between him and the fulfilment of his plans. Somehow we have
to find a way to stop him.
PART FIVE
Kharg’s ship warily approached the Black Hole. Like the Orion he was followi
ng the Sphere by the minute traces of Hercurium and when he saw where the trail
led, he ordered Giraffe to cut their speed and let them drift up to near the edg
e of the Hole’s gravity field.
“Is the Klinger Mother Ship around?” Kharg asked Giraffe.
Giraffe checked his scanners. “Nope,” he replied. “Nobody here except us.”
 Kharg’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Where are they?” he hissed, staring at
the forward observation screen. “Have they gone in ahead of us?”
Giraffe meantime had tracked the Hercurium right down to the Hole’s surface.
“I have the exact spot where the Sphere entered the Hole,” he said.
“Bring it closer,” Kharg ordered.
The telescoped view on the screen showed the same lighter area Draygo had se
en earlier.
“The corridor!” rasped Kharg. “That’s where the Sphere entered. We can follo
w it through the Hole. Take us in.”
With the Mother Ship invisible under its Cloak, Draygo was watching events o
n his screen. He saw Kharg’s ship line up then increase speed and enter the Hole
’s gravity field then shoot towards the black surface like a burning arrow.
When it reached the spot where the Sphere had vanished there was a brilliant
yellow flash then it too disappeared. A search of the surrounding undulating su
rface revealed no wreckage, confirming Draygo’s suspicion about the corridor.
“Do we go in now?” asked his First Officer.
“Give them fifteen minutes then we follow,” replied a grinning Draygo.