A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you.

You dialed 5483.

"If we solve the fuse problem and you can use the CD player we are sort of done,
but the disorderly behavior of your disks are worrying"
Husse Aug 5 2007
FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19
A:
To be or not to be.
Q:
What is the square root of 4b^2?
Q:
Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
A:
That's the Law of Spline Demand.
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens tomorrow!
Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you.
You will be divorced within a year.
Condense soup, not books!
You will triumph over your enemy.
You enjoy the company of other people.
"Sorry - I can't know what you know"
Husse Sept 7 2007
Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues
of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself
a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst
be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth
time waste me.
-- William Shakespeare
Q:
Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:
One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
an eye on the two intellectuals.
"Please don't crosspost and don't post in a subforum that's completely irrelevan
t to your question"
Husse Jul 27 2007
Your step will soil many countries.
It is so very hard to be an
on-your-own-take-care-of-yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you
grown-up.
Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it.
The Least Successful Collector
Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She
was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had
amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the
works of Shakespeare.
One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond
legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The
remaining three folios are now in the British Museum.
The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned
the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The Hisory of the
French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
Q:
Why do the police always travel in threes?
A:
One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps
an eye on the two intellectuals.
If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure.
They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners
always spell better than they pronounce.
-- Mark Twain
"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often

picturesque liar."
-- Mark Twain
Q:
What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and
plays like a monkey?
A:
Nothing.
"The people in this forum are not your slaves - don't expect an answer in a few
hours."
Husse Jun 5 2007
Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
Q:
What is the sound of one cat napping?
A:
Mu.
Today is the last day of your life so far.
The Least Perceptive Literary Critic
The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A
most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to
give a public reading of his latest poem.
Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord
Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr.
Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me."
Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable
and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark
the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better
turn."
After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr.
Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the
lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on
Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation
on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him
much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event."
Pope took his advice, called on Lord Halifax and read the poem
exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of
their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can
be better."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
You'll be sorry...
A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it?
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out.
Q:
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A:
A stick.
"You have the E1405 that is such a problem child"
Husse Jul 6 2007
You will step on the night soil of many countries.

You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.

You will have a long and boring life.
You will become rich and famous unless you don't.
"And vesa is at best "not terrible"
Husse Apr 5 2007
You look tired.
ROMEO:
Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO:
No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide
as a church-door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
There is no character, howsoever good and fine, but it can be destroyed by
ridicule, howsoever poor and witless. Observe the ass, for instance: his
character is about perfect, he is the choicest spirit among all the humbler
animals, yet see what ridicule has brought him to. Instead of feeling
complimented when we are called an ass, we are left in doubt.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Q:
What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C
is lower than those of other principal female opera singers?
A:
A deep C diva.
Make a wish, it might come true.
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
Perilous to all of us are the devices of an art deeper than we ourselves
possess.
-- Gandalf the Grey [J.R.R. Tolkien, "Lord of the Rings"]
He that is giddy thinks the world turns round.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
"You've passed the big hurdle - to get wifi working."
Husse May 12 2007
You'll never be the man your mother was!
"Apology just about accepted, but please don't use such language. If you can't g
et something to work which works for everybody else, it's most likely that the e
rror is with you - right?"
Husse Jul 30 2007
Your business will assume vast proportions.
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
You learn to write as if to someone else because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE
"SOMEONE ELSE."
The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes.
-- George Gobel
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
-- Mark Twain
Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of paper until
drops of blood form on your forehead.
-- Gene Fowler
You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep.
You have many friends and very few living enemies.
Q:
How do you keep a moron in suspense?
I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on,
so I woke up from sheer boredom.
You are number 6! Who is number one?
You will gain money by an illegal action.
You will outgrow your usefulness.
Q:
How many marketing people does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
I'll have to get back to you on that.
"The ICH controllers (chipset) do have problems, I'm not at all surprised - they
are a pain in Windows as well...
There are some oddities in them and in motherboards that may explain why not all
are hit...."

Husse Jun 2 2007

"I'll come back to you when I'm thinking a bit better"
Husse Sept 11 2007
You will pioneer the first Martian colony.
Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply.
Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past but fortunately,
it can still be changed today.
You're growing out of some of your problems, but there are others that
you're growing into.
"I see you are a real gnome"
Husse Jul 15 2007
Q:
Why did the chicken cross the road?
A:
He was giving it last rites.
"Unfortunately suspend does mean things sometimes"
Husse Apr 25 2007
"Since when do we offer web-hosting?
Found that to my surprise on the XFCE start page in Firefox"
Husse Jul 6 2007
I got a hint of things to come when I overheard my boss lamenting, 'The
books are done and we still don't have an author! I must sign someone
today!
-- Tamim Ansary, "Edutopia Magazine, Issue 2, November 2004"
on the topic of school textbooks
You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
Q:
What do you call 15 blondes in a circle?
A:
A dope ring.
Q:
Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A:
To cover up the valve stem.
"Sorry - when you are used to something it's easy to forget that everybody is no
t"
Husse Jul 12 2007
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
-- Mark Twain
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then
turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a
bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last
night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British
aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.'
-- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton
bad fiction contest.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we
are not the person involved.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
Are you ever going to do the dishes? Or will you change your major to biology?
You fill a much-needed gap.
"even the cheapest of all new nvidia cards is like a formula 1 car compared to a

wheelchair"
Husse Sept 3 2007
There are more things in heaven and earth,
Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Hamlet"
There was a phone call for you.
Keep it short for pithy sake.
"I don't think you have to go through the process of reconfiguring X as I did that was partly because the frustration made me brain dead."
Husse Apr 5 2007
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience.
Q:
What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?
A:
Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog.
You will live to see your grandchildren.
As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
You'll never be the man your mother was!
Q:
How many Harvard MBA's does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him.
Q:
What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
A:
Open other end.
"Hmm I have seen someone else with the same problem, which is one of these "shou
ld not happen" things"
Husse Nov 23 2007
Q:
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
A:
You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit
gets all the credit.
"And yes - I'm a bit omnipresent
This is my hobby"
Husse Sept 24 2007
Q:
How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:
Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
Q:
A:

How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?

There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:
A:

How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?

There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:
A:

How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?

The door won't shut.

Q:
How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:
There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you.
The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter.
-- Mark Twain
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
"Age is no obstacle - I'm pretty new to Linux and Mint and passed my 61 birthday
last month"
Husse Sept 23 2007
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
The lunatic, the lover, and the poet,
Are of imagination all compact...

-- Wm. Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream"

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being
done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.
Q:
Why is Poland just like the United States?
A:
In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
-- being told in Poland, 1987
You have been selected for a secret mission.
It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely
the most important.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity"
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.
Be different: conform.
"Poking around in my system brings surprises and experience"
Q:
A:

Husse Mar 5 2007

Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits.
-- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It"
The time is right to make new friends.
"Unfortunately there are so many ads for old tin cans for sale when you search t
he web so a search is useless"
Husse Apr 4 2007
"Poking around in my system brings surprises and experience"
Husse Mar 5 2007
Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last
you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his
Atlantic with his verb in his mouth.
-- Mark Twain "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court"
A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work.
"Post is now edited as it got rather strange"
Husse Sept 16 2007
"If you still have a problem I have to think hard - no good for the brain"
Husse May 14 2007
The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is exactly the difference
between a mermaid and a seal.
-- Mark Twain
For courage mounteth with occasion.
-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
Things past redress and now with me past care.
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
Q:
Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
A:
To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress.
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
-- Mark Twain
You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass.
You will gain money by a fattening action.
Q:
What's the difference betweeen USL and the Graf Zeppelin?
A:
The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time.
"I don't want to spend all my time tied to the computer - my wife needs some att
ention too"

Husse Oct 14 2007

Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai
sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
Oh, and have a nice day!
-- Bryce Nesbitt '84
Q:
How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
One and a half.
Even the clearest and most perfect circumstantial evidence is likely to be at
fault, after all, and therefore ought to be received with great caution. Take
the case of any pencil, sharpened by any woman; if you have witnesses, you will
find she did it with a knife; but if you take simply the aspect of the pencil,
you will say that she did it with her teeth.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
"Sorry, I underestimated your need for help"
Husse Jun 30 2007
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
"Damn - still to much Windows in me"
Husse Apr 26 2007
"Yes there is a lot of people doing a great job out there."
Husse Jul 15 2007
Q:
Why did the tachyon cross the road?
A:
Because it was on the other side.
You are fairminded, just and loving.
Q:
What do you call a blind pre-historic animal?
A:
Diyathinkhesaurus.
Q:
What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog?
A:
Diyathinkhesaurus Rex.
Courage is your greatest present need.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
"You have so many partitions that "crawl all over the place" that I get seriousl
y confused.
That grub listing is ominous ....."
Husse Sept 16 2007
You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed.
Q:
How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number
GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility,
of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally
left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:.....
consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
"If we solve the fuse problem and you can use the CD player we are sort of done,
but the disorderly behavior of your disks are worrying"
Husse Aug 5 2007
Your aims are high, and you are capable of much.
Q:
How much does it cost to ride the Unibus?
A:
2 bits.
"Why make it simple when it is possible to make it complicated"
Husse March 2 2007
Just to have it is enough.
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I

will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all
Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they
teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
-- Charles Dickens
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
"In case of failure - these gadgets are cheap..."
Jul 7 2007
"Why make it simple when it is possible to make it complicated"
Husse March 2 2007
"There is a tutorial about it , but oddly I don't find it now"
Husse Oct 21 2007
"I don't want to spend all my time tied to the computer - my wife needs some att
ention too"
Husse Oct 14 2007
You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the beach.
Q:
What's buried in Grant's tomb?
A:
A corpse.
Q:
What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu?
A:
Six sick Sikhs (sic).
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
You enjoy the company of other people.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business.
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor.
Your temporary financial embarrassment will be relieved in a surprising manner.
Must I hold a candle to my shames?
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature?
-- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men"
I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year. I
will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The Spirits of all
Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out the lessons that they
teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the writing on this stone!
-- Charles Dickens
You will gain money by a speculation or lottery.
You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend.
You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
"sorry I have so many questions now that I get dizzy"
Husse Nov 18 2007
"Everything working?
That's a relief"
Husse May 24 2007
Q:
What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A:
Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they

are removable!
Q:
A:

An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his

very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
Yes, up to isomorphism!

Q:
A:

What is a compact city?

It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted
policemen!
-- Peter Lax
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
really worth having.
"On the other hand I prefer to see the file I'm changing in case I do something
stupid - an old habit - but it's saved my but at times"
Husse Sept 27 2007
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a senior executive.
They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
"The problem is to find it - for once I was completely lost in all sorts of answ
ers in Google but not the right one."
Husse Jul 25 2007
Q:
How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a
light bulb?
A:
Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in
the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send
Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim
that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking
around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains
that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at
the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb
from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something.
Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers
beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promply
killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured.
As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand,
Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must
warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon
and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have
just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been
given all light bulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted
and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission.
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
"An annoying mishap you have"
Husse May 6 2007
You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
heel.
Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think.
Increased knowledge will help you now. Have mate's phone bugged.
You will receive a legacy which will place you above want.
"I have an immense patience and in the end we will clear things out"
Oct 14 2007
"You have been without answer too long now. Unfortunately I don't know the answe
r, but I believe the short answer is NO"
Husse Jun 8 2007

Q:
A:
Q:
A:

How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One and a half.
How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. We'll fix it in software.

Q:
A:

How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. The application can work around it.

Q:
A:

How many software engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. We'll document it in the manual.

Q:
How many tech writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
None. The user can figure it out.
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
"BTW uuid is a horrible thing - they can change suddenly and unexpectedly"
Husse Apr 30 2007
You two ought to be more careful--your love could drag on for years and years.
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words
since I first called my brother's father dad.
-- William Shakespeare, "Kind John"
You'll wish that you had done some of the hard things when they were easier
to do.
"I have waited to answer in the hope someone else would."
Husse Jul 31 2007
Q:
Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together?
A:
To prevent the sensible ones from going home.
"You can edit your own posts - just click edit and write write right"
Husse Jun 14 2007
Big book, big bore.
-- Callimachus
You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.
Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight.
Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
You will be misunderstood by everyone.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
-- Mark Twain
"I was going to answer you, but my lovely wife served some coffee so I went away
for a while and I see that Nick has given about the answer I would have given."
Husse Aug 5 2007
Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is
weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and
weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists,
but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist,
he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert.
-- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed"
Q:
Why do WASPs play golf ?
A:
So they can dress like pimps.
"You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?"
"The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --"
"My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice.
"I was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'"
-- A. Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear"
"The people in this forum are not your slaves - don't expect an answer in a few

hours."
Husse Jun 5 2007
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.
You will gain money by an illegal action.
The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
Days of Pompeii."
Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted before.
"Elves and Dragons!" I says to him. "Cabbages and potatoes are better
for you and me."
-- J. R. R. Tolkien
You will inherit millions of dollars.
Be cheerful while you are alive.
-- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C.
You'll be sorry...
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
-- "Mark Twain, Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Tempt not a desperate man.
-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"
Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized
that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that
all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but
James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive
women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took
*thousands* of words to say it.
Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic
Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father.
Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because
what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk
as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a
major world power.
I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise
the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right
out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me."
Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words:
* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize
nature and will kill you.
* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy.
-- Dave Barry
You will win success in whatever calling you adopt.
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
-- by Charles Dickens

A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.

The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
-- by Franz Kafka
A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
-- by J. R. R. Tolkien
Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
Hamlet LITE(tm)
-- by Wm. Shakespeare
A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
You will be married within a year.
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
officials have gone by.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
Having nothing, nothing can he lose.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI"
The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State
Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George
Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his
time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last
Days of Pompeii."
Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse,
beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord
Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford,"
written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad:
It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except
at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of
wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene
lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty
flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness.
Q:
Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon?
A:
To impress Jodie Foster.
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets wrinkled.
Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
-- J.P. Donleavy
Your lucky color has faded.
To be or not to be.
-- Shakespeare
To do is to be.
-- Nietzsche
To be is to do.
-- Sartre
Do be do be do.
-- Sinatra
Your business will assume vast proportions.
"sorry I have so many questions now that I get dizzy"
Husse Nov 18 2007
A gift of a flower will soon be made to you.

When I reflect upon the number of disagreeable people who I know who have gone
to a better world, I am moved to lead a different life.
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
You will have a long and boring life.
Writing is turning one's worst moments into money.
-- J.P. Donleavy
"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The
absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me
Deadpan Allie and lie.
-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"
Q:
How many Martians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
One and a half.
There was a phone call for you.
"The wiki is unfortunately living a life a bit in the shadows but it contains lo
ts of good stuff"
Husse Sept 12 2007
"We're lucky to have a distro that tells you which device is which UUID."
Husse Jun 4 2007
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales
wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied
Everything that you know is wrong, but you can
"Apology just about accepted, but please don't
et something to work which works for everybody
rror is with you - right?"

one Saturday morning, when his

he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
be straightened out.
use such language. If you can't g
else, it's most likely that the e

Husse Jul 30 2007

You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy.
Q:
Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads?
A:
Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise?
Oh, right, *of course*!
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
-- by Charles Dickens
A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place.
The Metamorphosis LITE(tm)
-- by Franz Kafka
A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed.
Lord of the Rings LITE(tm)
-- by J. R. R. Tolkien
Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano.
Hamlet LITE(tm)
-- by Wm. Shakespeare
A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy
girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age.
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
I dote on his very absence.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
My only love sprung from my only hate!
Too early seen unknown, and known too late!

-- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet"

You'll be called to a post requiring ability in handling groups of people.
Q:
How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A:
Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub
with brightly colored machine tools.
[Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.]
Things past redress and now with me past care.
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
"This is sad - the old DOS days is not what we want it to be like.
However some hardware does not want to cooperate...."
Husse Jul 29 2007
You will be run over by a beer truck.
Q:
How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:
One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem
to the earlier joke.
Q:
Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?"
A:
Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little
bottles into the typewriter.
"This is sad - the old DOS days is not what we want it to be like.
However some hardware does not want to cooperate...."
Husse Jul 29 2007
Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways.
You too can wear a nose mitten.
Your goose is cooked.
(Your current chick is burned up too!)
Q:
How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug?
A:
Four. Two in the front, two in the back.
Q:
A:

How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator?

There's a footprint in the mayo.

Q:
A:

How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator?

There's two footprints in the mayo.

Q:
A:

How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator?

The door won't shut.

Q:
How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator?
A:
There's a VW Bug in your driveway.
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You are fairminded, just and loving.
Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition?
You will be aided greatly by a person whom you thought to be unimportant.
Wagner's music is better than it sounds.
-- Mark Twain
Q:
What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A:
Zorn's Lemon.
"But I use my left hand to handle the mouse, even though I'm "normally" right ha
nded, so my hands kollide"
Husse Mar 25 2007
It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong direction.
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life.
I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a
week sometimes to make it up.

-- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad"

The ripest fruit falls first.
-- William Shakespeare, "Richard II"
"But your problem with the monitor is I believe a mixture of an unhappy heritage
from Ubuntu (one of its weaknesses) and unsuitable hardware. But good luck in M
epis! If it works for you that's good."
Husse Jul 30 2007
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
You are not dead yet. But watch for further reports.
Someone is speaking well of you.
A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse!
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Richard III"
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus,
"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
-- Mark Twain
Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now).
"This is not newbie or even nerd friendly, but it works"
Husse Jul 5 2007
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of good news soon.
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
For courage mounteth with occasion.
-- William Shakespeare, "King John"
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
"You could use something called sentences in your message - it's so "compact" th
at it is hard to read and understand."
Husse Jul 7 2007
"Even if I am the main support person here I still am a relative newcomer to Lin
ux, so sometimes I have to take one or two steps more than the "real guru""
Husse Nov 6 2007
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
Q:
What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
A:
You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
You are magnetic in your bearing.
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week.
You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty
attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool
takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge
which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with
a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it.
Now the skilful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his
brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing
his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect
order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and
can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every
addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of
the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out
the useful ones.
-- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Study in Scarlet"
Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.

-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1

[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to I/O system services.]
"One of the few drawbacks with FF I know of is that it is a bit hungry for memor
y, and when it's eaten enough it gets indigestion....."
Husse Oct 13
"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
-- Mark Twain
If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would
be a merrier world.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
You will be singled out for promotion in your work.
Q:
What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice?
A:
Zorn's Lemon.
You have a deep interest in all that is artistic.
"I see you are a real gnome"
Husse Jul 15 2007
Cold hands, no gloves.
"You have waited a bit too long for an answer, here it is in the middle of big h
olidays - haven't done anything with my computer other than reading the newspape
rs for a couple of days."
Husse Jun 23 2007
You love peace.
"Yes there is a lot of people doing a great job out there."
Husse Jul 15 2007
I dote on his very absence.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
"Problems like this makes me wonder if I should install some virtualization soft
ware and run an instance of Mint in that. I could then destroy that Mint in all
kinds of ways"
Husse Nov 12 2007
Caution: Keep out of reach of children.
Never reveal your best argument.
So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie;
and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head
into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently
married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand
Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, and they all
fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran
out at the heels of their boots.
-- Samuel Foote
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
-- Mark Twain
"Never thought the space i "Program Files" would be a problem in Linux"
Husse Apr 9 2007
You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially
if they are dead.
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come around while you have your
life in such a mess.
Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world.
Q:
How does a hacker fix a function which

doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain?

A:
He changes the domain.
You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the
obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and
an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you.
-- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder"
"I almost never get problems with my systems, and when I do they are really seri
ous"
Husse Nov 28 2007
All generalizations are false, including this one.
-- Mark Twain
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy.
You will be traveling and coming into a fortune.
Q:
Why do WASPs play golf ?
A:
So they can dress like pimps.
"I have a vague memory of a solution for you - just have to find it first"
Husse Oct 10 2007
Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
Something's rotten in the state of Denmark.
-- Shakespeare
Just to have it is enough.
Are you a turtle?
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use
in reading it at all.
-- Oscar Wilde