MeessemanMuralidharan1

AndrewMeesseman
ArjunMuralidharan
D
APEnglishLanguage&Composition
7December2015
AModestProposal:ProfanityHurtsMyEars
AsIsaunterinthehallwaystogettomyclassroomtoteach,Ihearthings.Thingsthat
makemesad.Thingsthatmakemyearsbleed.Thingsthatmakemewanttojumponthestudent
andwashtheirmouthwithsoap(orbleach).ThethingsIhearinthehallwaysaretheswears.
Everyday,Ihearapproximately345,459swearsinthedistinguishableCheetoChanHighSchool,
andIamtiredofalltheselittlenastybuggersswearing.Wehavetriedsohardtosolvingthis
problemusingreferrals,detentions,andsuspensions.Butletsbehonesthere,thisishighschool,
whoactuallylistenstotheruleshereandfollowsthem?WeneedtofixthisproblemandIhave
theperfectwaytocombatthisissue,athreepartsolutiontostopthestudentsfromsayingpoopy
wordsinmyhallways,inmyschool.
Thefirststepissimple,yetIthinkitwillbereallyeffective.Tospeakortoproduce
soundfromthemouth,therearetwomajorcomponentsthatmustwork,thetongueandtheteeth.
Butforthefirststep,let'sfocusontheteeth.Foreveryswearwordthestudentuttersinthe
hallways,wepluckoutatoothfromtheirbloodymouth.LetssayIwasonmydailystroll
throughoutthehallways,andIhearafreshmandropthefbombfivetimesinonesentence.
Well,Iwouldgoovertohimandescorthimtothebasement.Inthebasement,thereisascary
dentalchairwithascarydentisthoveringoveritholdingascary,rusty,bloodypliertoripout


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teeth.Hewouldbeplacedinthechairandtheprocesswouldbegin.Thiswouldbeaslow,
excruciating,andmessyprocess,butthatiswhatthestudentsgetwhentheydonotfollowthe
ruleofnotswearinginthehallway.Plus,thinkofallthebenefitsfromthis!Thedentalindustry
wouldboombecauseofallthebusinessrequiredinschoolsandthemultitudeofdenturesbeing
madetoreplacethemissingteeth.Second,thinkofallthehappinesstheToothFairywould
experience!!AlltheteethwoulddefinitelyputtheToothFairyinagoodmood.Iftheystudents
continuetoswearaftertheyenduredthefirststep,theygetpunishedwiththesecondstep.
Thesecondstepinmyamazingproposalshouldtechnicallypreventthemfromsayinga
swearwordeveragaininthehallways.Buttheyareteenagers,andthereforeareveryrebellious
sotheyprobablywillfindaway.Afterwepullouttheirteeth,theonlythingtopulloutfrom
theirmouthisthetongue.Thepunishmentmightseemasadowngradefromthefirststep.Just
thinkaboutit...howelsearetheyevergoingtotastethesucculently,juicyflavorsofallthefood
intheworld?Losingtheabilitytotasteandenjoyfoodwouldcripplethestudentsboth
physicallyandmentallyandthiswillbetherealdeterrent.Aftertheoffenderswearsagainthe
secondtimeinthehallways,thestudentwouldagainbeescortedtothedentalchairinthe
basementagain,butthistimetheywillbeknockedoutwithabaseballbattothehead.The
dentistwouldthenextractthistonguewithaquicksnipsnip.Thestudentwouldwakeup
terrifiedandwillawareofwhathappenedbecausetheywillnoticethemissingtongue.This
experiencewoulddefinitelydeterthestudentstoeverswearinthehallwayforalong,longtime.
Whataboutthetongue?Well,researchhasshownthathumantongueisconsideredadelicacyin
somepartsoftheworld,sotheschoolwouldbeamajorexporteroftonguerapidly.Thiswould
providetheschoolwiththemoneythatisdesperatelyneededtoupgradethesystem,books,and


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wayofteaching.Backtotheissue,ifthestudentsaresodeterminedtokeepcursing,thenthe
thirdandfinalstepisneeded.
Thethirdstepinthissolutionisprobablyalittleinsane,butifthestudentsareinsane
enoughtokeepcursingwithoutanyteethortongueinthehallwaysofthefineestablishment
CheetoChanHighSchool,theydeservethispunishment.Thisstepisprettystraightforward
becauseeverytimeanyofthestaffhearsanotherswearwordbyarepeatoffender,theysimply
writeitdown.Then,theyinvitethestudentandtheirfamilytoanoutsidebarbequeataround8
o'clock.Butthestaffmemberwontbebarbecuingsucculentprimeribsorsomenicetenderloin
orevenchicken,theywouldwouldbebarbecuingfreshHomosapiensflesh.Whichhumans?
Why,thefamilyofthestudentofcourse!Thewholefamilywouldbeknockedoutwith
sledgehammers,andtheneveryoneexceptthestudentwouldbetiedup.Thenwhenthestudent
wakesup,hewillwatchgasolinepouringonhisfamilyandafirestartingrightattheirfeet.Now
thisismaybewayoverboardandcompletelyunnecessary,howeverifthestudentwantstoutter
wordsthataresupposedtoflameothers,wearejustgoingtoflametheirfamilyastheir
consequence.Ithinkthispunishmentcomeswiththebiggestbenefit.Burningbodiesare
scientificallyproventolasttwototwoandahalfhoursandwouldprovideheatandwarmthfor
thehomelesspeopleandhobosthatlivearoundus.Thisthreepartproposalwillstoptheobscene
swearinginthehallwaysandalsoprovideuswithextrabenefits.
Someopponentsmightarguemyproposal,sayingitistooextremeandwillnotwork.
Buttheirideasdoseemliketheywouldworkeither.Infactmyideasareprobablywaybetter
becausetheirideasinclude:makingthestudentspayafeeforeverytimetheyswear,givinghall
monitorsthepowerofcapitalpunishment,andhavingswearzonesscatteredaroundthe


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school.Letmeindulgeinwhythosesillyideaswillnotwork.Theideaofmakingthestudents
payafeeforeverytimetheyswearseemsreallystupid.Wouldthatreallywork?Docowseat
beef?Theanswerisnobecausestudentslie,especiallydealingwithmoney.Ifcaught,they
wouldeithersaytheydonothaveanymoneyoraftertheconfrontationtheywouldjuststealthe
moneyback.Nowtousehallmonitorswiththepowertoinflictcapitalpunishment,societyis
goingtostopthatinapicosecond.Inthisdayandage,studentsarebabiedandiftheyarehitor
touched,societygoesawryandjumpstoprotecttheinnocentlittlestudents.Theswearzones
wouldplainlyjustnotevenwork.Swearzones,aplacewherestudentsaregrantedtosay
swearwords,wouldbeplacedscatteredaroundtheschoolandiftheycurseoutsidetheswear
zone,theygetpunished.ButIthinktheyforgotthemostprevalentcharacteristicofahigh
schoolstudent,tobedefiant.Noonesactuallygoingtocareiftheyareinaswearzonetoswear,
theywilljustdoitanywheretheywantandnotcare.Wellmyopponent'sideaswillneverget
thesameextraordinaryresultsasminewill,soIthinkmyproposalshouldbelookedatand
approved.
Myproposalisgenius!Ifstudentsarecaughtswearinginthehallways,thethreepart
solutionofpluckingouttheirteeth,pullingouttheirtongue,andburningtheirfamiliesrightin
frontofthemwillteachthestudentsalessonanddeterfurtherusageofprofanity.Extrabenefits,
suchasspurtingthedentalindustry,providingtheschoolwithmoremoney,andprovidingfire
andwarmthforthehomelessandhobosareallincludedanddefinitelymakethisproposaloneof
akind.However,thisproblemofswearingwehaveatschoolisjustareflectionofourculture
andsocietynow.Studentsswearbecausetheythinktheyarecool,wanttohurtpeoplewith


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words,andisjustaproductoftheenvironmentwelivein.Solvingtheswearinginthehallways
isjustasmallstepinalongpath.