All Aboard

Witten by Erin Kane

Characters:
Courtney a woman in her mid-twenties, a fashionista and gossip queen, a little ditzy,
classic New Yorker accent
Fiona crazy squirrel lady, off her rocker, in her fifties
Doug drug dealer in his late-teens to early twenties
Charles Revnue III pretentious businessman in his early thirties
Cami enthusiastic Girl Scout of twelve years old
Lights up as sound of subway is heard. Stage is set with subway benches along stage left and
stage right, facing the audience. There is a gap in the center between the benches where the
subway door is. There is typical subway litter about, such as an abandoned newspaper on a seat
or an empty can on the ground. After a few seconds, COURTNEY enters coming through the
subway doors and into the subway car.
Courtney: (on phone) so then I was like, Marty, what are you thinking? Wheres your head
at? Sunset orange and tangerine are just not the same thing! Honestly, how ignorant can you be?
(sits)
FIONA shuffles in, making squirrel chatter and carrying a paper bag of peanuts. As she enters,
DOUG pushes past her and plops himself in a seat.
Fiona: (to Doug) Easy there, fella! Youre gonna knock my peanuts all over the place. And then
how am I going to feed all the starving squirrels out there? (sits, continuing squirrel chatter)
Courtney: (on phone) I know! Listen hun, Im gonna go through a tunnel any second now and
lose you, so Ill give you a buzz later. Ciao, baby!
Charles: (running in, carrying briefcase) Whew! Made it! (remains standing rather than sitting
and risking getting his suit dirty)
CAMI enters.
Cami: (in matter of fact voice as looking at Girl Scout Handbook) Step 1. Navigate to subway
car: check. Step 2. Acquire ideal subway seat. (As consulting manual) Hm avoid sitting near
any individuals that appear to possess hazardous levels of filth, possibly dangerous diseases, or
potentially concealed or unconcealed weapons. (Snaps book shut) Surroundings Assessment!
(thoroughly scans subway car. To Fiona) Well you look potentially disease and filth ridden. (To
Doug) Those baggy clothes could definitely conceal weapons. (To Charles) You look like an
upstanding gentleman! So Ill sit (As she notices him glaring at her, she abruptly changes
direction and sits next to Courtney) here. (Sits).
Charles: (impatiently) Come on, come on! Whens this subway going to get moving!
Fiona: No need to worry, young man! Im sure theyre just checking to make sure the tracks are
clear of any squirrels. You know how important it is to protect the squirrel population.

Charles: Squirrel population?

Fiona: Oh yes! Im sure you know all about the dire squirrel crisis were in. Theyre facing
extinction!
Cami: My Girl Scout Handbook says Im not supposed to talk to strangers, but I feel it is my
duty to inform you, as I learned when I earned my Wildlife Protection badge, that there are an
estimated 1.2 billion squirrels in the United States alone. Theyre not even close to extinct.
Fiona: Ah, but any day now a nut famine could strike, and what would happen to the squirrel
population then! Weve got to start protecting the species while we still have the chance!
Doug: (under his breath) Nutcase.
Charles: Christ, when is this going to get going!
Courtney: Calm your pants hun, itll be going any second.
Sound of subway doors closing
Courtney: See? Whatd I tell ya!
Charles: Well, this better be a fast ride. Its inexcusable for the subway system not to stick to its
appointed schedule.
Courtney: Come on now, whats the big deal if its a minute or two behind? Its close enough.
Charles: All Im saying is, if the subway system has a designated schedule, it had better follow it.
Courtney: Oh relax. The systems running just fine.
Lights flicker. Actors stumble as if subway suddenly stopped.
Charles: (in disbelief) Are we stopped? Is this subway stopped? Why have we stopped?
Cami: (standing on seat, authoritatively) Attention passengers! Do not panic! According to the
Girl Scout Handbook, panicking is the worst thing to do in potential emergencies. We need to
wait until the authorities in this case, the conductor provides information and instructions. In
the meantime, we can practice deep breathing exercises. Ill lead us, since I have achieved the
Yoga Master badge and am an experienced deep breather. Now: breathe in.
Charles: Oh sit down!
Courtney: (to Charles) Hey now, dont yell at the little sweetheart! (to Cami) Thats all right,
sugar, you go ahead and breathe.

Charles: Isnt anyone concerned that this train isnt moving?

Fiona: Theres probably a squirrel crossing. Well be going in just a minute. Those squirrels
scamper across fast!
Doug: (more to himself than to anyone in particular) Pshh, if there were squirrels down here,
theyd be flattened.
Fiona: No no no, the subway system is very concerned with squirrel safety. They wouldnt allow
that.
Doug: (sarcastically) Yeah, okay
Charles: (calling up to ceiling as if talking to the conductor) Hellooooo! What the hells going
on? Why arent we moving?
Cami: You cant rush an authority in a situation like this. According to my Girl Scout Handbook,
the official in charge must thoroughly assess a situation before informing the public and
determine whether doing so will incite a panic. He might not tell us anything at all. And it would
be for the best. You cant question what the Handbook says.
Charles: (even more intensely) Hey you! Conductor! Whats going on! What gives!
Doug: Dude, shut up!
Charles: Some of us have very important places to be!
Doug: Oh come off it!
Charles: Some of us have responsibilities! Some of us have crucial meetings to get to!
Doug: Man, give it a rest!
Charles: I wont give it a rest until I find out why the hell this subway isnt moving!
(Conductors voice comes on over the loudspeaker)
Loudspeaker: Attention passengers: It appears we have a system malfunction. For the time being,
we are unable to move. Were working on fixing the problem and well keep you informed. Until
further notice, remain calm and get comfortable. It looks like well be here for a while. We
apologize for any inconvenience.
Charles: Any inconvenience! Youre sure as hell its an inconvenience!
Fiona: Oh dear, oh dear!
Charles: Finally someone gets that this is a serious problem!

Fiona: Oh dear, they must have run over a squirrel! The poor thing!
Charles: (stunned) You have got to be kidding me.
Cami: See, the conductor did explain whats going on. Now we know.
Charles: But that isnt going to get us off this freakin train, now, is it?!
Courtney: Listen toots, cool it. Weve all got important places to be. Ive got a manicure
appointment to keep but you dont see me blowing my lid about it.
Charles: Pffft, a manicure appointment!
Cami: According to my Girl Scout Handbook, the best thing to do in a crisis situation is to pull
together with those around you. And the first step to doing that is getting to know each other. I
think we ought to introduce ourselves so we can solve this whole stranger danger business. Ill
go first. My name is Cami and I am a Girl Scout member of Troop 233.
Courtney: All right, sweetie, good idea. Im Courtney. New York native and fashion
extraordinaire.
Fiona: Ooooh, isnt this nice. I do this with my squirrels all the time. Fionas the name and Im
the worlds leading squirrel activist.
Courtney: Oh, I didnt realize there was such a big squirrel support group.
Fiona: Wellits not so big actuallyits just me and the squirrels right nowbut were big in
spirit!
Courtney: Uh huh
Cami: (approaching Doug) Your turn. Who are you?
Doug: (rolling eyes) Doug (with a glance toward Courtney and, as he then moves closer to
Courtney, says to Courtney suggestively) And I wouldnt mind getting to know you better.
Courtney: Honey, Im out of your league.
Doug: (Not dissuaded) Are you sure? You know, I can hook you up with some real fun stuff. And
then I can show you a great time.
Courtney: Thats cute, but I dont need the kind of fun stuff youre dealing. Im good.
Doug: (Still not abashed) All right, not a problem. Youll change your mind.

Courtney: (to get attention off of herself, to Charles) All right, Mr. Fancy-pants over there. Tell
us who you are.
Charles: (tries to dismiss Courtney, but with a flattening glare from her, he decides better of it
and succumbs. Officially) Charles Revnue the Third. Investor Relations Officer. Now can we
please move on to more important things?
Cami: Of course! I couldnt agree more! Next up(As she flips through Handbook, looking for
the right section) bonding activities! Here we go! Lets see how about a good old round of
Kumbaya?
Fiona: (Singing) The squirrels are scampering, my Lord, kumbayathe squirrels are scampering,
my lord, kum (as Fiona continues to sing, the following lines are shouted)
Charles: Thats enough!
Doug: Im with Mr. big-shot. Nutso over there is tone deaf!
Courtney: Aw, let her sing if she wants to! We got nothing better to do!
Charles: How about we try to figure out how were going to get out of here! Id say thats
significantly better!
Doug: What the hell are you talking about? We cant get out! Were stuck!
Cami: (Shouting over all the commotion) Everyone needs to calm down!
Silence.
Doug: (After a moment, Doug breaks the silence by shuffling over to Charles) If you want to
calm down, I can hook you up I got something for that.
Charles: (impatiently) Would you get away from me!
Courtney: (to Charles) Listen, hun, you gotta stop this yelling. Its not helping anything and
youre giving me agita.
Charles: Ive got a right to yell! Ive got responsibilities that this infernal subway system is
deterring me from. Of course, I wouldnt expect you to understand that.
Courtney: And just what is that supposed to mean?
Charles: (insinuatingly) Oh, just that while some of us have important responsibilities, some of
us are caught up in things that are a little more, shall we say, shallow.
Courtney: And what is that supposed to mean?

Charles: Well lets compare: Ive got an important business meeting to get to a meeting that
will improve the lives of many very influential corporate men while youre only concerned
about getting your nails done
Courtney: Im not getting my nails done, you doofus. I volunteer down at the senior home, with
them Alzheimers patients. I paint their nails.
(beat as Charles is stopped in his tracks)
Cami: Why do you do that?
Courtney: Aw, cause they get lonely, sugar. They have a hard time remembering things, but I
figure even if they forget a whole lot of details, they can still look down at their nails and see
them painted. And theyre a little reminder that somebody cared and is looking out for them.
Cami: Thats really nice. Maybe I can help one day and get my Senior Service badge.
Courtney: That would be real sweet, hun.
Cami: (Slowly, as if shes thinking about the words carefully as she says them and is almost
afraid to ask) Do you think if I paint my moms nails, shell remember me?
Courtney: Does she forget you now?
Cami: Well, not exactlyshe just is so busy with work and gets caught up with my sister shes
a soccer star, you know, and gets perfect grades and will probably be prom Queen but my mom
gets so busy that sometimes I think she forgets Im around too.
Courtney: Oh, sweetie...
Cami: If I get every Girl Scout badge then I think shell be proud of me too, like she is with my
sister, and maybe then shell remember me more. But there are an awful lot of badges left, so
maybe painting her nails will work faster. Even just a little bit. Maybe.
Courtney: (sadly) Yeah. Maybe.
Fiona: You know what I do when I get lonely? I talk to the squirrels. Theyre good listeners.
Cami: Why dont you talk to people? Like your family?
Fiona: Ohhhh, I dont have a family around so much anymore. Besides the squirrels, that is. But
theyre brethren to all of us. They dont turn anyone away. They will listen to you, no matter
what you sayYou know, I find that more and more, people dont have the time to listenMy
sister stopped listening. She moved way out to Arizona. But shes happy. I think she is. I dont
hear from her much anymoreI got a Christmas card a couple years ago. Her family looks real

nice, two daughters and a dog. Sometimes I talk to that picture-card and pretend its really them.
And youd think talking to a picture and talking to the squirrels would be the same cause they
both stay real quiet. But you know, I dont think the picture ever listens the way the squirrels do.
No, no one does.
(Beat of silence)
Charles: Well! This has been cute, but its time to get this show on the road!
Doug: Dude! We were having a moment!
Charles: Look, I understand, but I really need to get going.
Doug: (mockingly) Look, I understand, but were really just stuck. So stop being a pain in the
ass! Although, if you need something to pass the time, I got something thatll do the trick
Courtney: Can you please stop trying to make drug deals?
Doug: Hey I just want to help out anyone whos interested.
Courtney: Well were not interested. Gosh, why cant you give it a rest? You must have been a
good kid at some point. What happened?
Doug: Who says Im not good now?
Courtney: Well, the legal system for one. In case you hadnt noticed what youre dealing is sortakinda against the law.
Cami: According to my Girl Scout Handbook, you can serve up to five years in prison for selling
up to fifty kilograms of marijuana. I learned that when I got my Citizens Arrest badge.
Courtney: Case in point.
Doug: (defensively) Listen, you dont know me.
Courtney: Then enlighten us.
Doug: (after a moment of debating whether or not to explain) My moms sick. Leukemia. My
dad doesnt exactly make bank working as a custodian. We need the money.
Courtney: (sympathetically) Im sorry...but couldnt you have gotten a job?
Doug: This was fastest way to make the most.
Courtney: And your parents know you do this?

Doug: They dont ask questions they dont want to hear the answer to. Mom needs the doctors.
The doctors need their money. We dont have it not without what I do.
Courtney: (after a moment) Well, I guess we all do what we gotta do.
Fiona: Aint that the truth! Just look at the squirrels! When there are plenty of nuts around, why,
theyre good sharers. But as soon as that first frost hits woo! You better watch out! Its every
squirrel for himself!
Charles: Oh, for the love of God(begins pacing back and forth)
Cami: (to Fiona, trying to be friendly) You know, my Girl Scout Handbook says that looking out
for one another is one of the most important things a person can do. Maybe its one of the most
important things a squirrel can do too. You could try teaching your squirrels that. Maybe theyd
like getting their Sharing is Caring badge the squirrel edition, of course.
Fiona: Now isnt that a neat idea! Ill have to get myself one of those books that you have there
to make sure I teach them right, though.
Cami: Oh yes! Its the seventh edition. You have to make sure you get the right one.
Courtney: (To Charles) Fancy-pants, youre giving me agita again with all that pacing.
Charles: (insincerely) Well Im terribly sorry, but like Ive said, I have an important meeting to
get to.
Courtney: Whats so important about this meeting, huh? Whats getting your goose?
Charles: I justI need this deal to go through. If I dont make it to the meeting, theres no deal.
Theyre making cuts left and right at the firm and any dead weight is snipped right off. If I dont
pull off this deal well Im dead weight.
Courtney: Ah, I seethats pretty tough.
Charles: You dont understand. My wifes pregnant and if I lose my jobhow can I raise our
kid? We wont be able to afford the mortgage, well lose the househow can I be a dad my kid
can look up to when I wont even be able to support my family?
Cami: I think youll make a good dad. Its obvious you care a lot. I mean, youve been being a
butt to all of us because you care so much about the future of your kid. So no matter what, theyll
know you care.
Charles: (not sure whether to take that as a compliment or an insult, but ultimately appreciative)
Thanks, Cami.
(Conductors voice comes on over the loudspeaker)

Loudspeaker: Attention passengers. The subway line is now up and running. Well be on our
way. Again, we apologize for the inconvenience.
Cami: Hooray!
Courtney: Thank goodness!
Charles: Its about time!
Doug: Finally!
Fiona: On to the squirrels!
Courtney: What time is it?
Cami: According to my Girl Scout certified watch, its five to nine.
Charles: Really? Thats great! If I run, I should be able to get to the meeting right in time!
Courtney: Go get em, tiger!
Doug: And if it doesnt turn out how you want it to, I can give you something thatll make you
forget all about it.
Fiona: You know, it really was a pleasure getting to know all of you.
(All smiling looking around at each other)
Charles: Yeah, it really was.
Sound of subway doors opening as lights fade to blackout.