Chicago

Bros and Penn Douche Midseason Report

Weve made it to yet another mid-way point in the year and its time for you to get an unbiased expert
evaluation on your team from the honorable league office Commish. Theres a lot to get to this year,
because my God, there are a lot of morons in here. So with out any further ado, lets make fun of everyone
we possibly can.

Team Scouting Report:

Jeffalo Bills (6-1) 1st Place

Year, after year, after year I go about destroying this league and as per usual Im in first place. I was 7-1
during the Mid-Season report last year and have yet again destroyed you peasants through a combination
of drafting, free agent pick-ups and trading. I simply cannot wait until I lose yet another Super Bowl this
year. Thats just how this league works. But wait, I didnt quite make the Super Bowl last year? What
happened to my usual fate? Did some complete moron of a player trump fate with his idiotic stupidity?

(Thats right, its story time)

It was the most intense fantasy matchup of all time as far as Im concerned. Last year. Semi-final
championship round. Me vs. Thomas. Thomas has a nobody running back (Tim Hightower) as his last
hope to beat me and needs like 10 points or something like that. He almost had the match won in the first
half as Hightower scored on a goal line touchdown only to have it wiped out on a holding penalty. Then,
in the second half, the Saints are losing and need to throw. Hightower is quiet. A chip here, a chip there.
By the last drive, neigh, the last play of the game, Im still holding on to a 1.6 point lead. The Saints are
running out of time down by 7 at their own 28. Theres 7 seconds left. One more play and yet another
ticket to the Super Bowl is mine. The tension the game brought me has finally started to dissipate as I
notice the Saints line up with a 4 wide, one back set for the last play of the game. Obviously, they needed
one back to help block for a long Hail Mary. So what does Drew Brees, the gunslinging all star quarterback
decide to do? He decides to run a dump off to Hightower. What a fucking idiot. But wait theres more!
Hightower, decides to go ahead and not even ATTEMPT to lateral the ball before getting tackled. He
would rather fight for an extra, lets call it 2, yards. NO WONDER THE SAINTS ARE WORTHLESS EVERY
YEAR! In the end, Because of this idiocy, I lost by 2 yards. Because Tim Hightower decided fuck trying to
win the game and instead fought for an extra two yards without lateraling to a teammate.


Heres how the whole thing went down on the field:

Chicago Bros and Penn Douche Midseason Report

Chicago Bros and Penn Douche Midseason Report

Complete moron So on went Thomas to the Super Bowl instead of the Jeffalo Bills. He ended up losing
as I should have, and would have, had I made it. Lateral out Tim! Lateral OUT!!!

Luckily, I was able to take the loss well and only cowered in a hole of pure darkness for a few days
afterwards while focusing my mind on other things, such as redecorating my room out of what one can
only presume was a Ray Finkles Living Catalog:

Anyway, back to the present time, as you will see later on the keys to my domination this year started
with incredible drafting in the first couple rounds. Im awesome and so much better than any of the rest
of you. Thats basically the key take-away this year, and every year ever.

Chicago Bros and Penn Douche Midseason Report

Cayman Cider (5-2) 2nd Place


If you were wondering who the Penn Douche
was in the league name, wonder no more. This is
also the face of an idiot that drafted a kicker in
the top of the 6th round. Not only that, but this
moron is usually still drunk by the time lineups
are due, because he plays players that either
dont play or lay a goose egg. (Week 3: Willie
Snead, Week 4: 6th round pick Stephen
Goskowski, Week 5: Stephon Diggs, Week 6:
Jordan Reed). Classic Matt. But heres the real


kicker (aside from his 6th round one), he is

beating you. No, not me. YOU.



Gotta Catch Jamaal (5-2) 3rd Place

Miller has developed a nice team again this year. Not as nice as mine of course, but you know nice. And
youre welcome for the team name! Miller is just kinda Miller, so well just move on.

OBJYN (4-3) 4th Place

Bhupens team name refers to his stellar draft pick with ODell Beckam. Bhupen and ODB are a great
pair because they both have the same amount of emotional restraint as you might imagine the Hulk after
snorting a kilo of coke.


Bhupens emotional soul mate:

Chicago Bros and Penn Douche Midseason Report

I honestly cant decide whos the whinier bitch. Beckham is clearly crying but every time I read Bhupens
message I just hear waah waah wahhhhh, I know some swear words, wah waah waaahhhh over and
over again.

In case you missed what Bhupen was all butt hurt about heres how it all went down:

#TradeGate2016

Chris, being the dumb little brother the rest of the league has to protect, offered Bhupen the following
deal which as you can see was vetoed by the league.

With enough people vetoing the deal, it was killed. This led to the aforementioned outburst. In defending
the fairness of this trade, Bhupen claimed Matt Asiata was a solid rb2 making the trade legit. Upon the
trade being vetoed, the following transaction was made on his behalf:

Youll notice the miraculously short amount of time it took for Matt Asiata to turn from a legit RB2 to
droppable after a fair trade offer (October 19, 10am October 19, 7pm).

#3HBNK (4-3) 5th Place

Year after year and year, Steve is the epitome of average. To this day, he has not used a dime of his faab
bank and to tell you the truth, I dont think he even knows what it is. He makes no attempt to be good, yet
somehow is never really bad. Judging by his statement below, it isnt any wonder why his team never
does more than mediocre.

Or maybe he just means that hes voting for Trump. Or, hell, Hillary.

I dont know if Berry will slip his way into the playoffs this year but does it really matter?

Chicago Bros and Penn Douche Midseason Report

Silent Hill (4-3) 6th Place

Luke, for I know, might literally have been dead for the past four years or so and be playing through a bot,
because I havent heard a peep from him in any way shape or any form in about that long. If anyone has
heard from him or knows someone that has, please feel free to not inform me in any way. His check
cleared, so I dont care.

Master Beaters (4-3) 7th Place

My old man, the leagues reigning champion, has himself in the mix again. Throughout all this tradegate
talk he has found himself wondering why didnt anyone veto my trade? He gave up Gronk for Cam
Newton and Tyler Eifert, who might in fact be deceased. Since then Gronk has turned back into Gronk and
Dad is left wishing someone looked over him to make sure he didnt make stupid deals.

Why Do I Even Bother?, AKA Just Take My Money, AKA Black Bus Bitch Bag, AKA Tim Hightowers,
AKA Fuck Jeffafas (3-4) #1 Seed in Consolation Bracket

I know theres more of Kuneys past team names but these are the ones that come to mind. If youre new
to this league, you might look at this team and think to yourself, Wow, Kuney sucks! If youre not new to
this league you look at this team and think to yourself, Wow Kuney sucksbut not nearly as bad as
usual! Good for Kuney!

The most impressive thing Kuney has done this year is give up an astounding 755 points against in just 7
weeks. Upon seeing that you play Kuney, he will likely greet you with some appropriate smack talk such
as: Hi Im playing you, congrats on this weeks league high score.

I found myself wondering if Kuney ever made the playoffs even in this league. I know what youre
thinking, but in fact, he has made the playoffs! If I recall correctly he won the consolation bracket a couple
years ago and earned himself the first place loser of the league. Ive got my money on him again this year.
Just kidding. My money is being put to use towards placing. Unlike Kuneys.

The important thing to know here about Kuney is that he sucks.

Gay Butlers (3-4)

Hetaabhs squad started the year off 0-4. A warm welcome back Hetaabh! Fortunately for him, he has
fought his way back to having a chance. I call him the anti-Chris, which, sounds weird, but makes sense
because instead of winning four games to start the year and losing 8 in a row afterwards and then doing
the same thing again the next year with 5 wins to start the year like Chris, Hetaabh lost his first four and
is now making his comeback.

Will he make it 4 wins in a row this week to keep the comeback going? I wonder who hes playing? . Oh.
Its Kuney. Ill just go ahead and Venmo Hetaabh his $5 now.

The important thing to know here about Hetaabhs team is that Kuney sucks.

Chicago Bros and Penn Douche Midseason Report

Cubbies Blues Clues (2-5)

Oh dear Moses where do I start with Chris? Its good to see that he decided not to let himself down this
year and just go ahead and start off by sucking from the get-go. Listen. We all know Chris could legally
qualify himself as a 501 (c) after all the years he has spent not making a dime, but theres more than just
his bottom line that we can rail on him for. Lets take a closer look at his sleek salesy trading skills.

Chris has come along way from having to be saved by the rest of the league for giving the only positive
players on his team away for droppable RB2 type garbage. You see, before #TradeGate2016, he sent
trade offers to all sorts of teams with the most low bally offers one could imagine. You, the reader reading
this, are probably now recollecting on the shitty offer that came your way. For me, it was the following:

Safe to call Elliot, the second best player in fantasy, and Robinson is still a low end RB1, for a WR1. Dont
know about you but I say thats hot garbage. But heres the best part. Its not the awful offer. Its not the
waste of my time. Its the message he sent me right after sending the offer that makes it painfully obvious
that he already knew his offer was a joke:

Translation: Hey I know this offer blows so feel free to start completely from scratch and make me a
counter. Well, upon receiving this offer, I went ahead and tinkered with his offer a bit and gave the man
what he would love to see:

Chicago Bros and Penn Douche Midseason Report

My Counter to Chris:

Chicago Bros and Penn Douche Midseason Report

With all of this taken into account, Chris still has the highest grade from me this year solely for his
performance at my wedding. Held my drunk ass up for the entire Chelsea Dagger reception topper:

Look at that stance. Solid work. Hey Bhupen, luckily, Chris didnt think I was an RB2 because he didnt
drop me

A +++ Chris. You really deserve the trophy this year. You just wont get it though. Ever.

Forte Shades of Jay (1-6)

Thomas, karma is a bitch and your team flat blows this year. Looks like Adam Humphries is in your lineup
this week. Who the hell is that? Does he even play football? Anyway, you suck. And after last year, thats
what you get. LATERAL OUT TIM. LATERAL OUT!!

Upper Deckers (1-6)

Adam is and always has been the league bottom feeder. Great job capitalizing on having the number one
pick in the draft. It sure helped.

Chicago Bros and Penn Douche Midseason Report

So theres your team report card. Now lets look at how we all did in the draft.

Below we have a chart of the top performing players in the league. I controlled for QBs as they skew the
results due to the nature of the position. The figures show the players average points per game they play.



1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25

WR/RB/TE
David Johnson Ari - RB
Ezekiel Elliott Dal - RB
DeMarco Murray Ten - RB
Melvin Gordon SD - RB
LeSean McCoy Buf - RB
Julio Jones Atl - WR
Le'Veon Bell Pit - RB
Mike Evans TB - WR
Spencer Ware KC - RB
LeGarrette Blount NE - RB
Corey Coleman Cle - WR
Carlos Hyde SF - RB
Jay Ajayi Mia - RB
A.J. Green Cin - WR
T.Y. Hilton Ind - WR
Christine Michael Sea - RB
Antonio Brown Pit - WR
Tevin Coleman Atl - RB
Matt Forte NYJ - RB
Brandin Cooks NO - WR
Marvin Jones Jr. Det - WR
Greg Olsen Car - TE
C.J. Anderson Den - RB
Isaiah Crowell Cle - RB
Michael Crabtree Oak - WR

Average
PPG
20.91
18.02
17.5
17.09
15.93
15.29
15.23
15.08
14.95
15.1
14.65
14.25
14.4
13.64
13.27
12.93
13.01
13.2
12.67
12.42
12.37
12.5
12.36
12.03
12.01

26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50

Heres how the top QBs have fared using the same metrics:

1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8

Tom Brady NE - QB
Drew Brees NO - QB
Matt Ryan Atl - QB
Cam Newton Car - QB
Andrew Luck Ind - QB
Ben Roethlisberger Pit QB
Matthew Stafford DetQB
Aaron Rodgers GB - QB

25.02
24.34
23.13
22.53
21.98
21.2
20.74
20.57

WR/RB/TE
Theo Riddick Det - RB
Michael Crabtree Oak - WR
Latavius Murray Oak - RB
Frank Gore Ind - RB
Lamar Miller Hou - RB
Odell Beckham Jr. NYG - WR
Larry Fitzgerald Ari - WR
Mark Ingram NO - RB
Ameer Abdullah Det - RB
Jeremy Hill Cin - RB
Kelvin Benjamin Car - WR
Danny Woodhead SD - RB
Davante Adams GB - WR
Eric Decker NYJ - WR
Todd Gurley LA - RB
Michael Thomas NO - WR
Amari Cooper Oak - WR
Mike Wallace Bal - WR
Terrelle Pryor Sr. Cle - WR
DeAngelo Williams Pit - RB
Willie Snead NO - WR
Jordy Nelson GB - WR
Jordan Howard Chi - RB
Rob Gronkowski NE - TE
Emmanuel Sanders Den - WR

Average
PPG
12.02
12.01
11.96
11.84
11.69
11.29
11.21
11.13
10.9
10.61
10.57
10.55
10.5
10.47
10.44
10.28
10.2
10.13
10.12
10.1
10.06
10.02
10
9.9
9.7

Chicago Bros and Penn Douche Midseason Report

Draft Analysis:

Drafts are won by hitting home runs on your first couple of picks and finding the sleepers later on. Heres
a quick run down of how each player drafted in the first two rounds turned out. You can surmise that the
red highlight means bust, and green means hit. Dark green means homerun hit. I left out the majorly
injured players because thats just bad luck, but as you can see, my first two picks were home run hits and
that is why I am so much better than you at this. Youll notice that if your team sucks, you fucked up
somewhere in the first two rounds.

Round 1
1

Todd Gurley(LA - RB)

Upper Deckers

Antonio Brown(Pit - WR)

Odell Beckham Jr.(NYG - WR)
Julio Jones(Atl - WR)
David Johnson(Ari - RB)
Rob Gronkowski(NE - TE)

Cubbie Blue'...

Ezekiel Elliott(Dal - RB)

Jeffalo Bills

A.J. Green(Cin - WR)

Lamar Miller(Hou - RB)
Le'Veon Bell(Pit - RB)
DeAndre Hopkins(Hou - WR)

Silent Hill

Adrian Peterson(Min - RB)

Gay Butlers

Allen Robinson(Jax - WR)

Cam Newton(Car - QB)

Aaron Rodgers(GB - QB)
Brandon Marshall(NYJ - WR)
Dez Bryant(Dal - WR)

Forte Shades...

Mike Evans(TB - WR)

Jeffalo Bills

Alshon Jeffery(Chi - WR)

Doug Martin(TB - RB)
Mark Ingram(NO - RB)
Brandin Cooks(NO - WR)

Master Beaters

11

Keenan Allen(SD - WR)

Cubbie Blue'...

12

Eddie Lacy(GB - RB)

Upper Deckers

3
4
5
6

9
10
11
12
Round 2
1
2
3
4
5

8
9
10

Forever yours,

-Honorable Commish

OBJYN
Why do I eve...
#3HBNK
Master Beaters

Gotta catch ...

Cayman Cider
Forte Shades...

Gay Butlers

Cayman Cider
Gotta catch ...
Silent Hill

#3HBNK
Why do I eve...
OBJYN