The ships Bailiff stood stoutly before the front of the court.

In a loud, manly voice he

bellowed out the Commanders introduction.
All wise for Commander Maximus Invictus, captain of Battlestar Imperial, first ship
of the 7th Intergalactic Woyal Forces and his Majestys appointed Judge over todays
pwoceedings!
Grudgingly, the gathering lifted their bulbous behinds off their seats.
In strode Commander Maximus Invictus, a figure with immeasurable, enviable
qualities. He was dashingly handsome with shoulder length blonde curls that defied
physics and a dimpled square chin that stole more stares than the amplest of cleavage.
Involuntary gasps spread throughout the crowd as the gathering drank in the man who
personified male perfection.
The Commander took centre stage as he eased his pert derriere into the Judges
throne.
Please be seated, he said in a voice so rich and dreamy it made you forget where you
were. On trial today is the worst of the worst. His actions are so bad, they may leave
you traumatised. If youre feeling queasy during this trial, please excuse yourself from
the room. The smell of vomit makes me sick.
The Bailiff opened a side door and two huge guards ushered in the accused. He was
tiny, no more than five feet in height, skinny and balding. On his long, hooked nose he
wore a pair of black rimmed spectacles. His arms and legs were shackled with iron
restraints that looked heavier than the man who wore them.
The crowd erupted like a gaggle of hens.
Siwence! roared the Bailiff and the room fell quiet again.
Confusion was written plainly on the Commanders face. He beckoned to the Bailiff.
The Bailiff sidled up beside the Commander and leaned in close.
Commander?
Who is this man? I thought we were trialling a dangerous space pirate. This fellow
looks like he wouldnt hurt a fly.
Oh hes dangerous alwight just ask him.
The Commander nodded and the Bailiff returned to his place.
Who are you? the Commander asked plainly.
The small, shackled man was lost for words. Did they really not know who he was?

Im Phineas Arlington, he said in a voice so tiny that if a microphone had a voice, it

would have asked him to speak up.
And why are you here? demanded the Commander.
Phineas was dumbfounded. They really didnt know who he was!
Sir, if I may be so bold I think theres been some mistake stammered Phineas as
the tried to appeal to the Commander.
The Bailiff gave Phineas a jab in the stomach. Just tell the tooth, the whole tooth and
nothing but the tooth!
Phineas grimaced. Sir, I came here two days ago to sample your beverages. You see,
Im a connoisseur
Aha, exclaimed the Commander. A confession is emerging. So you admit to being a
con?
No, I mean I well, you see Sir, I dont much like the black ones, Phineas tried to
explain but was interrupted again by the Commander.
Racist! Tell us dear chap, why do you hate them so?
Theyre bitter Sir! explained Phineas. Dunking them in boiling water makes
them
Murderer! Savage! Have you no shame? exclaimed the Commander. The crowd
began to get restless and the Bailiff had to call again for silence.
Go on, the Commander ordered.
Well, I tried the green and the grey - thats when I met your Bailiff here in the foyer
of this ship.
Dont twust him Commander, shouted the Bailiff.
What did you tell my Bailiff? the Commander asked the inferior man before him.
I told him the truth Sir. Im a brown tea hunter