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MOMS WHO INSPIRE: PAULA GILOVICH & CARRIE MILLS

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Moms Who Inspire: Paula Gilovich & Carrie Mills

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ANNA GANNON SEPTEMBER 23, 2016

Paula, Carrie and Harley

Paula Gilovich is The Director of Content and Production at ABC Carpet & Home. ABC has event space
within their beautiful store, in the heart of NYC. Its home to some of todays greatest thought leaders
and changemakers such as Deepak Chopra, and Paula runs the show.
I felt as though I knew Paula and her partner Carrie before we met.
Someone had sent me a copy of a story she wrote about how her and Carrie conceived their first
daughter Harley. It took place in the backseat of a car in Williamsburg with the help of a friends sperm
donation. The account was so beautiful, raw and honest and I knew that any couple that was willing to
share so much of themselves would be perfect for our Moms Who Inspire series.

During my interview with Paula, I was struck by her uncanny ability to make me feel as if Id known her
for years. We bonded over birth stories (mine and Carries were oddly similar) and over new
parenthood stories of sleepless nights and just trying to figure this whole thing out.
It is their honesty and openness about their pregnancy and motherhood journey that makes me so
happy to share this interview with you.
1. Whats been the biggest challenge being a mom for the two of you?
We miss each other. The direction of our affection is now first, towards our little one. Although, what
has been really surprising and so important to recognize is an entirely new landscape has opened up
made of a brand new love for each other its so deep and complex and messes with time even, this
particular love as if weve been able to travel to another dimension. But the truth is we are now three,
no longer two and theres a loss there. And so theres this unexpected quality of not seeing each other
as directly as we used to, even when we are in each others presence. Carrie is my absolute favorite, but
now I have two favorites, Carrie & Harley. Weve each individually and privately found ourselves out of
our minds for this little one, and each of us is focused on her. And logistically, so much of parenting is
about tag teaming, giving each other breaks, and so regardless of fatigue, we find ourselves so excited
to discover each other at the end of the night when shes finally gone down.
2. Whats one thing that people would be surprised to learn about both of you as moms?
I think just because of how we look, the surprise is that I am not the one who gave birth to our
daughter. Im the more feminine one in the relationship, and in fact, Carries soul is very much the soul
of an old man finicky, not easily convinced, grumpy in the morning, and horrified by young peoples
lack of manners. Beyond the joke that shes an old man, she really has a very authentic masculinity at
her core. And so its a surprise even to people in our community that I didnt choose to get pregnant.
Im such a mama in the world, and so its so surprising. I am someone who has always gone a different
route though. I have designed my life against the standard story, and so this is natural and right how
this all came about, how Harley came to be. Even though I didnt give birth to my daughter, I am the
one she will call mama or mom or mommy, and I cant wait for that.
3. What lesson do you most want to pass on to your daughter?
To be still and know. It took me a lifetime of frenetic struggles to get to the place where I could settle
my mind, and trust the quiet, knowing voice inside. We will weave this into her world, and give her all
the tools she will need for a peaceful center. And I want her to be fearless Im not sure how to teach
that, but Im sure we will find moments along the way. Again, I spent too many years wracked with fear
and so we will take every chance to counter the idea that we are separate from one another and that
we should be afraid. And not least of all, we will steep her in experiences and education for the pursuit
of justice for all people and to seek justice for those who do not currently have it. And to see injustice
not to ignore it.
4. Whats the one piece of relationship advice you would give to new parents?
Know that you are more knitted than ever before, and that you can trust that knit you will have
terrible moments, and I mean terrible, anyone who says they dont is lying. These extra-terrible
moments are because of the weight of it all the stress of being totally responsible for another being
but those horrible moments have nothing to do with your relationship and your connection. So you
have to separate them out of the equation. I think if you make it conscious what you are doing, your
exact undertaking of raising up a new life and that you take stock in what difficulty youve brought into
your life, you can then let the hard parts go and they wont end up defining your relationship.
5. What do you admire most about your partner as a mom?
Im so surprised at how dedicated a parent she is. Of course she is a fantastic human being. I wouldnt
have married her. But witnessing her in the act of parenting and how present and committed she is, and

how she doesnt let the boredom sway herit is remarkable to watch. She knows that on the other side
of boredom is heaven you must take the boredom to get to the best moments of your life. And she
lives that without any hesitation with her daughter. I had a running coach tell me that once, and its
stuck with me forever, get right with the boredom, lean into it, because the mirage becomes real if you
give into the boredom of doing the same thing over and over again. Her tolerance for boredom, and her
ability to just continue to give and give to our little girl is really surprising its surprising that anyone is
that generous and creative. Also, she wrote four original songs for her bedtime ritual. And so every
night Carrie sings to Harley, You are so strong, so brave, and so very loved. Can you believe that? And
the tune is really lovely, a minor key. And then she ends with singing the line, We are so happy you are
here. How lovely is that?
6. Whats one piece of advice you would give to your pre-mom selves?
Like really, like no joke, do yoga every day before the baby comes, not 3x a week, do it every day to
prepare your body for this. This is real what happens with the back. And pilates. Core strength. Im
saying this as the parent who didnt give birth, of course. The core strength you need both emotionally
and physically, whoa. And then of course, give yourself the gift of sitting. Its hard for me sometimes,
but its important. Sitting cleans your mind. Cleaning our mind daily is the best gift we can give
ourselves, giving us a real shot at happiness, and in the tumult that is becoming a new parent, all that
sitting shows up in the first moment of parenthood, in the very first moment when you hear the
existential cry of your baby entering the world. All that sitting shows up in that moment as what it is
holding you so you can hold her.

Are you pregnant or a new mom?

Expectful is a digital platform that makes meditation easy for expectant and new moms. Each one of
our guided meditations has been created to support you throughout your pregnancy and motherhood
journey.
Our mission is to help you give your baby the best start in life. Go to expectful.com and sign up for our
free 30-day meditation trail.

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