TEASER

INT. PIZZA PALACE - NIGHT

TOPHER and WILLIAM roll dough.
TOPHER
William, do you think I'd be a good
firefighter?
WILLIAM
You can't be a firefighter, you're
a pacifist.
(thinks)
And besides, all you do is light
stuff on fire. You're basically an
arson Topher. Firefighters need to
be good with water, not fire.
TOPHER pulls out a bong.
TOPHER
(told you so)
Um, hello? I'd be the perfect
fireman.
WILLIAM
Whatever you say, Topher. Just
don't burn another pizza.
END OF TEASER
ACT ONE
INT. PIZZA PALACE - NIGHT
JORDAN and WILLIAM make pizza while ADAM and TOPHER are
nowhere to be seen.
WILLIAM
Where could those two be?
JORDAN
Is that really a question?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

WILLIAM
Ah. You're right. They're probably
eating a delicious Pizza Palace
pizza right now. Lucky bastards.
JORDAN
No. William, no. They're probably
just really stoned.
WILLIAM
Probably?
JORDAN
Definitely really stoned.
INT. PIZZA PALACE - NIGHT
ADAM and TOPHER walk in, shivering from the cold.
TOPHER
(wide eyed)
We saw the sasquatch.
ADAM
(wider eyed)
I smoked with the sasquatch.
WILLIAM
Oh shut up. The sasquatch is a
myth. There's no way in the world
that a sasquatch exists.
(chuckles)
At least not on this planet.
ADAM
We have a hair.
TOPHER shows JORDAN and WILLIAM a long brown hair.
WILLIAM
(backing up)
Oh my god. Oh my god!
JORDAN
Are you kidding me -

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

WILLIAM
Shut up Jordan! They have found
him. They have found the sasquatch!
JORDAN puts his face in his palm.
CUT TO:
INT. JORDAN'S BEDROOM - MORNING
CLOSE UP: JORDAN'S BEDSIDE CLOCK
JORDAN'S clock reads:
5:00AM.
We hear a BUZZ at the door.
JORDAN
(yells, groggy)
Who is it?
WILLIAM (V.O)
(through door)
It's William and Topher and Adam.
We've come to get you because we
know you want to find sasquatch
with us.
JORDAN, annoyed, gets up and lets them in.
WILLIAM
(sniffs)
He could be here. He could be
watching us, studying our every
move.
WILLIAM turns around quickly and kicks a lamp.
WILLIAM
My bad.
(collects himself)
Better safe than sorry.
ADAM has his head in a book while TOPHER smokes a joint.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

ADAM
It says here: the sasquatch is the
ultimate beast. Find him in the
Riverpeak Forest, or he will... he
will kill you?!?
ADAM's eyes go wide. He drops the book.
WILLIAM
Let's kill us some sasquatch.
EXT. WOODS - MORNING
The four sit in the bushes, waiting for sasquatch. WILLIAM
wears boxing gloves.
WILLIAM
I swear. If that big brute comes
towards me (punching motions)
I'll give him the ole 1-2 and knock
him out right on the spot. Death by
impact. Heh. Bet you five bucks I
could do it.
JORDAN
Why didn't you guys bring a gun?
ADAM
It says in the book it's bad luck
to shoot a sasquatch. The last time
it happened, the shooter died.
JORDAN
Everyone dies.
ADAM
Yeah, but... this guy died.
JORDAN
Shocking.
ADAM
(not catching on)
I know right...
TOPHER hits a joint.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

TOPHER
I wonder... if the sasquatch...
smokes?
ADAM
Definitely not. It says in chapter
2 that he doesn't like it. Maybe if
we leave some out he'll get angry
and try to destroy it. Then we
could capture him.
ADAM smiles. He pulls out a small amount of weed and puts it
75 yards away from them.
ADAM
We'll start small so we can
observe.
They hear a rustle in the woods.
WILLIAM
Ah!
They see an odd looking sasquatch go towards the weed. He
looks around, picks it up, and smokes it.
ADAM
What the ADAM is now terrified.
ADAM
Sasquatch is more badass than we
even know.
Suddenly, WILLIAM sprints towards sasquatch and punches him
in the face while SCREAMING. Sasquatch's mask falls off,
revealing BILLIAM BURCH, WILLIAM's older brother and son of
Pizza Palace owner BILL BURCH. BILLIAM takes off the
sasquatch suit to reveal a tuxedo.
BILLIAM BURCH
(high pitched, spoiled brat
voice)
Ah, William. I knew you would fall
for our little plan.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

WILLIAM
You always used to steal my
pepperoni!
WILLIAM swings at BILLIAM BURCH and misses.
BILLIAM BURCH
William, William, William. It's
been so long, it's been so long.
But I'm not here to see you. I'm
here to show you that working at
this lowly Pizza Palace makes you
stupid. You really believed I was
sasquatch? You really believed a
handwritten book about how to
capture sasquatch?
WILLIAM
(ashamed)
No...
BILLIAM BURCH
Well, this is good. I will have you
work with me at the city Pizza
Palace, where you will learn how
to manage the best Pizza Palace in
New York City.
WILLIAM
Billiam, you know I can't leave my
friends.
BILLIAM BURCH
(rolls eyes)
Yes you can.
BILLIAM BURCH grabs WILLIAM by the ear and drags him.
WILLIAM
Ow, ow!
BILLIAM stops.
BILLIAM BURCH
(quiet)
Now look at those doofuses.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

They look at JORDAN who has a blank face, TOPHER smoking a

joint, and ADAM, drooling.
BILLIAM BURCH (CONT.)
You really want to work with them?
Remember Willy, a pizza is only as
strong as it's weakest piece.
WILLIAM
I know, I know. But those doofuses
are my friends, I can't just leave
them BILLIAM BURCH
Yes you can.
BILLIAM drags him by the ear.
WILLIAM
Ow, ow! Why do you do that?
JORDAN
(to TOPHER and ADAM)
Guys, we gotta save William!
TOPHER and ADAM are nearly passed out from smoking.
TOPHER
What?
CUT TO:
EXT. WOODS PARKING LOT - AFTERNOON
BILLIAM BURCH drags WILLIAM by the ear to his car. They take
off.
CUT TO:
INT. BILLIAM BURCH'S CAR - AFTERNOON
BILLIAM BURCH smiles while WILLIAM frowns.
BILLIAM BURCH
Cheer up, boy! This will be the
best decision of your life.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

WILLIAM
(rolls eyes)
It's not even my decision.
BILLIAM BURCH
You're right. But it's the right
decision.
(looks back)
Enough talking, they're on our ass.
BILLIAM puts on the gas.
CUT TO:
INT. JORDAN'S CAR - AFTERNOON
JORDAN drives frantically with ADAM and TOPHER passed out in
the back. TOPHER wakes up.
TOPHER
I knew sasquatch would capture
William. It was only a matter of
time.
JORDAN
That wasn't sasquatch, you idiot,
that was Billiam, Williams older
brother. He's taking William to New
York to work for corporate.
TOPHER is scared.
TOPHER
Well get him!
JORDAN
I'm trying!
JORDAN puts on the gas.
INT. BILLIAM BURCH'S CAR - AFTERNOON
BILLIAM and WILLIAM easily go faster than JORDAN. They are
calm for being in a car chase with a minivan.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

WILLIAM
So... that was a pretty good punch,
right?
BILLIAM BURCH
No.
WILLIAM
I said 5 bucks I could punch
sasquatch and I did it. Wham! That
was awesome.
BILLIAM BURCH
That was unbelievably stupid.
WILLIAM
(defeated)
Okay.
All of a sudden, we hear FRICTION coming from the back of
the car. It is JORDAN's minivan on the bumper of BILLIAM
BURCH'S car.
BILLIAM BURCH
That's it. I'm calling the police.
WILLIAM
How can you call the police? You're
kidnapping me.
BILLIAM BURCH
I'm not kidnapping you.
(thinks)
Well. I am.
BILLIAM BURCH puts on the gas.
CUT TO:
INT. JORDAN'S CAR - AFTERNOON
TOPHER and ADAM scream as JORDAN goes faster.
CUT TO:

10
EXT. CAR CHASE - CONTINUOUS
SIDE VIEW: CAR CHASE
The cars are barely going thirty miles per hour.
CUT TO:
INT. JORDAN'S CAR - AFTERNOON
TOPHER and ADAM continue to scream. BILLIAM BURCH pulls over
and they continue to scream.
JORDAN
Guys! We stopped.
TOPHER
Oh yeah.
They exit the car.
EXT. SIDE OF ROAD - CONTINUOUS
Everyone steps out of their cars.
BILLIAM BURCH
(sad)
Okay, okay. You've caught me. I
don't know what I was doing,
getting in a car chase with you
idiots. I hate my job at corporate.
I need adventure!
WILLIAM
(inspired)
Pizza Palace South Dakota is the
home of adventure.
BILLIAM BURCH
(annoyed)
You're such an imbecile, William.
WILLIAM
I can teach you the ways of the
pizza.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

11

BILLIAM BURCH
Ah Willy, you know I was never good
at that.
WILLIAM
(proud)
Look at these fellas. I trained
them.
TOPHER and ADAM are stoned out of their minds. JORDAN is
nervous.
BILLIAM BURCH
Are you serious? They're worse than
you.
WILLIAM
And guess what, Billiam. They used
to be worse. They used to be way,
way worse. Heck. Topher couldn't
even tie his own shoes before
working here.
TOPHER
It's true.
BILLIAM BURCH chuckles.
BILLIAM BURCH
Ya know. Maybe I'll try it.
WILLIAM
Aweso BILLIAM BURCH
But I manage you.
WILLIAM
What?
BILLIAM BURCH
I manage you.
WILLIAM
But, I'm the manager.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

12

BILLIAM BURCH
Well, for now, I will take over
your position.
WILLIAM looks at BILLIAM BURCH with suspiscion.
WILLIAM
You'll do a good job?
BILLIAM BURCH
Absolutely.
WILLIAM
(reluctant)
It's a deal.
INT. PIZZA PALACE - NIGHT
TOPHER, ADAM, JORDAN, and WILLIAM trip themselves up on inblade roller skates. BILLIAM BURCH skates perfectly while
spinning dough. WILLIAM is jealous.
WILLIAM
This can't be real.
WILLIAM pinches himself.
JORDAN
(struggling to stay up)
Uh, Mr. Burch?
BILLIAM BURCH does a triple axle.
BILLIAM BURCH
Yes Mr. Webster?
JORDAN
Can we - maybe... not do the roller
blade thing? I can barely stand up.
JORDAN falls.
JORDAN (CONT.)
See?

13
INT. PIZZA PALACE - NIGHT
The crew has removed their roller blades. RONNY, a fat and
loudmouthed regular customer walks in.
RONNY
(laughs)
What's up Jordy, roller derby
practice eh?
RONNY laughs way too loud.
JORDAN
(to RONNY)
Billiam took over the restaurant.
He's unfulfilled at corporate. So
he decided to give another shot at
the restaurant level.
RONNY goes from smiling to terrified.
RONNY
(suspicious, quiet)
Oh no. Oh no Jordy. That's not
good. Last time Billiam worked here
the place nearly burnt down!
TOPHER lights a blunt in the background.
JORDAN
And?
RONNY
Well, that'd be bad, wouldn't it?
JORDAN
(unfazed)
That kind of stuff happens all the
time. It'll be fine. He needs the
getaway.
RONNY
(more terrified)
That's what I said, Jordy, that's
what I said! You know I used to
work here Jordy, you better take my
word! It's... it's bad.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

14

RONNY's eyes go wide as he backs up out the door.

RONNY
(exits)
You better listen to me Jordy!
INT. PIZZA PALACE - NIGHT
BILLIAM skates around the parlor, spinning dough while a
crowd watches in amazement.
JORDAN
(to TOPHER and WILLIAM, quiet)
Guys. Ronny told me something.
WILLIAM
What, his medium pizza story? Psh.
Mediocre.
JORDAN
(serious)
No. He said that hiring Billiam was
bad.
TOPHER and WILLIAM look at JORDAN, confused.
JORDAN (CONT.)
Like, really bad. His eyes went
wide and he walked out the door.
WILLIAM laughs.
WILLIAM
Jordan. Are you kidding me? This
Ronny guy is a guy that thinks
sasquatch is real. I truly can't
believe you're saying this.
JORDAN
William. You believed in sasquatch
a few hours ago.
WILLIAM
That was a coincidence. Now quit
worrying. He's good at corporate,
he'll do fine here.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

15

JORDAN
Will. He made us use roller blades.
He made us write smiley faces with
the toppings. Smiley faces with the
toppings? Really!?!
WILLIAM
(disgusted)
Yeah. That is weird.
WILLIAM looks at the small crowd gathered to watch BILLIAM
skate.
WILLIAM
And that crowd... it's just...
creepy.
TOPHER
You sure you're not jealous?
WILLIAM
(thrown off)
Jealous? What? Ha...
(watches BILLIAM please crowd)
No way am I jealous, Topher, are
you out of your mind?...
EXT. PIZZA PALACE - NIGHT
JORDAN exits for the night. He sees a mysterious figure
hiding behind his car. As he gets closer, he hears RONNY
shivering loudly.
RONNY
You can't do it, Jordy, you can't
do it!
RONNY, still wide eyed, pulls out an old picture and shows
it to JORDAN. Look at this. The picture shows the old
employees smiling. BILLIAM has redeye in the picture.
RONNY
(shaking)
Look at those eyes. Those are eyes
of the devil I tell ya Jordan.
JORDAN puts his face in his palm.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

16

JORDAN
That's redeye, Ronny. From the
flash of the camera.
RONNY
(shocked)
Oh, so now you're a devil enabler
huh? You're cool with all this huh,
just a straight up demon working
with you and being your manager?
That's real smart of you Jordy.
Real smart.
JORDAN
It just doesn't sound believable to
me. First it was sasquatch, now
this? I hate to be a skeptic, but
it just doesn't make sense.
RONNY
(done)
Okay. But don't come crying to me
when he ruins your little
business...
INT. PIZZA PALACE - NIGHT
BILLIAM BURCH plays pop music loudly from the small office,
dancing. WILLIAM, ADAM, and TOPHER watch.
TOPHER
That's just weird.
WILLIAM
Almost as weird as Ronny thinking
my brother is a demon when he gets
around pizza.
JORDAN
He seemed pretty convinced.
All of a sudden, BILLIAM BURCH lets out a loud demonic
scream.
WILLIAM
(convinced)
And now I'm convinced. Goodbye.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

17

JORDAN
We can't just leave. He probably
coughed.
WILLIAM
(conviction)
Are you serious? My brother just
let out a demonic scream. He's a
part of the reptilians, I knew it!
TOPHER
Wow. Am I super stoned, or did
Billiam just scream like a demon...
Suddenly, BILLIAM bolts out of the office.
BILLIAM BURCH
(sweating)
Hey guys.
(paranoid)
What's going on?
They all try to look like they're working.
WILLIAM
(nervous)
Just washing dishes, ha-ha! Not
doing anything overly religious,
that's for sure.
WILLIAM gulps in terror.
END OF ACT ONE

ACT TWO
INT. GHOSTWHISPERERS HOUSE
A GHOSTWHISPERER, 49 and morbidly obese, sports a pair of
small black sunglasses and a black cape. WILLIAM, JORDAN and
RONNY sit across from him.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

18

GHOSTWHISPERER
Okay. This, "ghost." Does it look
like a raccoon by any chance?
JORDAN
What? No.
WILLIAM
Why would you say that.
GHOSTWHISPERER
Oh. Well. The last client I had was
tripping balls and thought a
raccoon was a ghost.
(laughs)
Fucking idiot.
WILLIAM, RONNY, and JORDAN are surprised.
GHOSTWHISPERER
So what can I help you with?
RONNY
There's a demon in our pizza place!
WILLIAM
(corrects)
Our pizza place.
(to GHOSTWHISPERER)
He doesn't work there. I'm the
manager.
WILLIAM tries to shake hands with the GHOSTWHISPERER but he
doesn't budge.
GHOSTWHISPERER
A demon, eh?
The GHOSTWHISPERER FARTS loudly while contemplating.
GHOSTWHISPERER
I'll see what I can do.
INT. PIZZA PALACE - NIGHT
WILLIAM gives the "go ahead" signal to GHOSTWHISPERER,
dressed in an Amish disguise.
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

19

GHOSTWHISPERER
(to WILLIAM, bad accent)
Uh, hello traveler. I have heard of
a demon on this side of town.
The GHOSTWHISPERER FARTS again.
GHOSTWHISPERER
Have you heard of it's whereabouts?
We hear a demonic scream from the office. Everyone's eyes go
wide. GHOSTWHISPERER removes his disguises and waddles as
fast as he can to the office.
GHOSTWHISPERER
Expecto patronus!
Nothing happens. JORDAN puts his face in his palm. BILLIAM
walks out of the office.
BILLIAM BURCH
Once again, I step out of the
office and everyone stares at me.
Is something not right?
GHOSTWHISPERER
(grave)
Yes. You sir, you are a ghost.
RONNY gasps. GHOSTWHISPERER attempts to tackle BILLIAM but
is juked out. GHOSTWHISPERER can't control his momentum and
runs into pizza sauce, getting it all over him.
GHOSTWHISPERER
Damn you...
WILLIAM
(to JORDAN and RONNY)
Is it just me or has this guy done
nothing since we hired him?
RONNY watches with wide eyes as GHOSTWHISPERER slaps BILLIAM
in the face with a pizza.
RONNY
(amazed)
This guy's a genius.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

20

WILLIAM rolls his eyes. WILLIAM breaks up the fight with one
arm.
WILLIAM
Billiam. Are you in there?
BILLIAM roars like a tiger.
WILLIAM
Wow that was weird.
(realization)
Wait a second. He used to roar like
this when he was hungry when we
were little.
RONNY
Ah! He's a demon!
WILLIAM
No he's not. He just needs a little
pizza.
BILLIAM BURCH
(roars)
I don't eat pizza!!!
(normal)
I can't work here anymore. There's
nothing healthy. I see all this fat, and I can't eat anything.
WILLIAM smiles.
WILLIAM
I've got just the thing for you.
In super speed, WILLIAM whips up a pizza made of broccoli,
cabbage, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and a veggie smoothie as
the sauce.
TOPHER
That looks disgusting.
BILLIAM eats it.
BILLIAM BURCH
(discouraged)
Aw, dammit. This will never work.
The true reason I act this way
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

21

(cont'd)
is...
(sheds tear)
I just thought you guys don't
accept me.
They all look at each other in amazement.
JORDAN
(forcing it)
Billiam, of course we accept you.
You're the best manager I've ever
had.
WILLIAM gives him a mean look.
JORDAN (CONT.)
Besides William.
BILLIAM BURCH bursts out crying.
BILLIAM BURCH
I'll never be as good as William!
WILLIAM is shocked.
WILLIAM
(heartfelt)
You? As good as me? I always
thought that I could never be as
good as you.
BILLIAM BURCH
(better now)
Haha. Pussy.
WILLIAM
What?
BILLIAM BURCH
Nothing. I've just gotten you to
admit that I'm better than you.
That is all I wanted to hear.
Goodbye.
BILLIAM begins to leave. GHOSTWHISPERER and RONNY stop him.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

22

GHOSTWHISPERER
You can't leave.
(scared)
You have demonic spirits still
attached to you.
(pauses)
The only thing that will stop them
from tormenting you is this The GHOSTWHISPER stops for no reason.
BILLIAM BURCH
What?!? What will cure me? You
can't just stop mid sentence like
that.
GHOSTWHISPERER
Hug your brother.
BILLIAM BURCH
What? No way.
GHOSTWHISPERER
Do it.
BILLIAM BURCH
Uh... homo much? No way man.
GHOSTWHISPERER
Do it now!
BILLIAM BURCH
Okay. Fine.
He hugs WILLIAM badly. WILLIAM sheds a tear. A magical ghost
exits their hugging bodies.
GHOSTWHISPERER
(bittersweet, smiling)
There it goes. Off to terrorize
another family.
BILLIAM is a new man.
BILLIAM BURCH
Wow! I feel amazing. It's like it's like a demon just left me.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

23

RONNY
That's because it did, right Jordy?
What'd I tell ya Jordy?
JORDAN
Okay Ronny, you were right.
RONNY
Haha! I knew it Jordy I knew it!
JORDAN
Okay there Ronny, calm down.
RONNY
Hey everyone! I told Jordan that
Billiam was possessed but he didn't
believe me and it turned out I was
right! Ha. How'd ya like them
apples.
WILLIAM
Okay Ronny. Let's get you out of
here.
WILLIAM escorts RONNY out the door.
END OF ACT TWO

KICKER
INT. PIZZA PALACE - NIGHT
TOPHER and ADAM roll dough.
ADAM
I think you'd be a good
firefighter.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
TOPHER
(casual)
Shut the hell up Adam.
END OF KICKER
END CREDITS

24