Weekly Hot Joke

--------------Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" and
their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have
been heard or reported:
1. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover,
but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
2. Pilot-"Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the
seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till
we land...it's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."
3. After landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed
giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.
4. As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice
comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
5. After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant
on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care when opening the overhead
compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
6. From a Southwest Airlines employee.... "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seatbelt and if you don't know how to operate one, you
probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask,
and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask
before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now
which one you love more...

What's Clogging Your Toilet?

A superintendent of a large, snooty apartment building
got the ultimate revenge when he was called for the
umpteenth time to fix a tenant's clogged toilet.
Going to her apartment, where the female tenant
happened to be giving a fancy dinner party for other
tenants in the building, the super had to endure her

telling all the assembled guests that he was a complete

incompetent idiot.
Furthermore, she got them all to go to the bathroom
door to watch his clumsiness. He didn't say anything, but
merely concentrated on fixing the toilet, while she kept
on complaining about the bad service. So busy was she
complaining, that no one noticed when the super
reached quietly into his tool bag.
A minute later, he held something up triumphantly and
told her and the assembled guests, "I've found what was
clogging your toilet!"
All the guests broke into shocked laughter, and the
woman turned a, bright beet red.
The super was holding up a large yellow banana with a
red condom wrapped around it.
The woman never complained again.
Here are "Love & Marriage" as seen through the eyes of
our kids!

How Does a Person Decide Who t

Marry?

"You flip a nickel, and heads means

stay with him and tails means you tr
the next one."
Kally, age 9

"You got to find somebody who likes

same stuff. Like if you like sports, sh
should like it that you like sports, an
she should keep the chips and dip
coming."
Allan, age 10

"No person really decides before the

grow up who they're going to marry.
decides it all way before, and you go
find out later who you're stuck with.
Kirsten, age 10

What Do You Think Your Mom and D

Have in Common?
"Both don't want no more kids."
Lori, age 8
What is the Proper Age to Get Married?
"Twenty-three is the best age because
you know the person FOREVER by then!"
Cam, age 10
"No age is good to get married at.... You
got to be a fool to get married!"
Freddie, age 6

How Can a Stranger Tell if Two People are

Married?
"Married people usually look happy to
talk to other people."
Eddie, age 6
"You might have to guess based on
whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids."

Derrick, age 8

What Do Most People Do on a Dat

"Dates are for having fun, and peopl

should use them to get to know each
other. Even boys have something to
if you listen long enough."
Lynnette, age 8

"On the first date, they just tell each

other lies, and that usually gets them
interested enough to go for a second
date."
Martin, age 10

When is It Okay to Kiss Someone

"When they're rich!"
Pam, age 7

"The law says you have to be eighte

so I wouldn't want to mess with that
Curt, age 7

"The rule goes like this: If you kiss

someone, then you should marry the
and have kids with them... It's the ri
thing to do."
Howard, age 8

What Would You Do on a First Date That

Was Turning Sour?
"I'd run home and play dead. The next
day I would call all the newspapers and
make sure they wrote about me in all the
dead columns."
Craig, age 9

The Great Debate:

Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
"I don't know which is better, but I'll tell
you one thing ... I'm never going to have
sex with my wife. I don't want to be all
grossed out!"
Theodore, age 8
"It's better for girls to be single but not
for boys. Boys need somebody to clean
up after them!"
Anita, age 9
"Single is better ... for the simple reason
that I wouldn't want to change no
diapers... Of course, if I did get married,
I'd figure something out. I'd just phone
my mother and have her come over for
some coffee and diaper-changing."
Kirsten, age 10

What Advice Do You Have for a You

Couple About to Be Married?

"The first thing I'd say to them is: 'Li

up, youngins ... I got something to s
you. Why in the heck do you wanna
married, anyway?'"
Craig, age 9

What Promises Do a Man and a Wom

MakeWhen They Get Married?

"A man and a woman promise to go

through sickness and illness and
diseases together."
Marlon, age 10

How to Make a Marriage Work?

"Tell your wife that she looks pretty
if she looks like a truck!"
Ricky, age 7

How Would the World Be Differen

People Didn't Get Married?

"There sure would be a lot of kids to

explain, wouldn't there?"
Kelvin, age 8

Balls, Shafts & Threesomes!

TOP TEN THINGS
THAT SOUND DIRTY IN GOLF
...BUT AREN'T
10. Damn...my shaft is bent.
9. After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
7. Look at the size of his putter.
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be
desired.
And the number one thing
that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first.

The Gay Flight Attendant

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay
flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying
himself.
He came swishing down the aisle and said to the man

and the woman seated beside him, "Captain Marvey has

asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary
plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up
your trays that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that the woman
hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over the big-brute engines,
I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can
pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country I
am called a Princess, I take orders from no one."
"Well, sweet cheeks, in my country, I am called a Queen,
so I outrank you. Now put up the tray, bitch!"

Pass The Penis!

A woman is helping her computer-illiterate husband set
up his computer, and tells him that he will now need to
choose and enter a password that he wants to use when
logging on.
The husband is in a rather amorous mood and figures he
will try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's
attention so, when the computer asks him to enter his
password, he makes it plainly obvious to his wife that he
is keying in "penis"...
His wife nearly falls off her chair from laughing so hard
when the computer replies:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH ***
*** PLEASE TRY A NEW ONE ***