Nikki Doble

Mrs. Stronach
EWC 4UI
February 8, 2017
Fall on Your Knees, by Ann-Marie MacDonald: Kathleens Journal

May 21
Diary, hes dragged me home. Everything Ive become accustomed to has completely changed

for the worst. I cant eat, I cant sleep, I cant speak I just cant function. Everything comes back

to me in flashes of that night he raped me. I hear the sound of his grunts and the headboard

hitting the wall every time I try to fall asleep. All I can think about is whats going to happen in

the next nine months, I dont want to think about February. Not only did my father rape me and

strip away everything that has ever meant something to me, but now I have to bare his children.

I hate it, I hate my life and I cant think of any reason to live. Maybe Ill try to abort them myself

and just say that I lost the babies because of stress from coming back to this awful island. I hate

it here so much! I miss Rose. My dear, sweet Rose. The way she looked at me, the way she ran

her fingers across my skin, the way she loved me back like no one else ever had. God I miss

her. I miss the laughs we had together. I miss the beginning, when she was just my piano player

and the fun little bickering arguments we would have that would make her nose crunch up and

shed get so mad when I told her she was out of tune. Of course I was wrong. I know nothing

about pianos, only the amount my father taught me when I was a little girl, but Rose for sure did.

Going to her church and watching her play made me fall in love with her even more. Her fingers

are magical and the fact that she literally just makes up songs on the spot that are worthy of

playing in the most exceptional theatres takes my breath away. She takes my breath away. I

wish I could see her again. I wish she could hold me in her arms and tell me that everything is

going to be okay. She would know what to do about my dreams, she is so brilliant. I cant get rid

of them. Every time I fall asleep my mind repeats the same events and I feel like Im lost in time.

The memories are starting to come back to me throughout the day time too. The slightest creak

of a door or a cup hitting a table too hard throws me into a panic attack. I know it cant be
healthy for me or these babies growing inside of me but I cant help it. I cant control these

feelings Im just so upset and so heartbroken and scared all at the same time. It seems like the

only emotion I can get out is anger; I am angry, Im so upset that I cant put it into words

anymore.

June 2

Ive learned to show a new emotion today. Fear. Im scared of everything. Im scared of playing

with my sisters, terrified of talking to my mother, I cant even think of a word to explain of how

scared I am of my father. Ever since I got back hes been really quiet, looking at me through

windows and cracks of doors when he thinks Im sleeping. The words Its alright my darling

keep running through my mind every time I catch him looking at me. He whispered that in my

ear when he raped me. What if he wants to do it again? What if hes finding the right time to

attack me again? Maybe if he raped me it would cause me to miscarry. I still think I need to

abort them. Im no mother, I cant take care of two little humans. I was going to be a singer. I

was going to go places in this world and never have children. I saw how it tore apart my parents

when I came around. All they did was fight about how I was going to be raised, and it wasnt

until Mercedes and Frances came around that mom ever got what she wanted. I know she

hates me. I know how much of a burden I am to her, especially now that Ive come back from

New York pregnant. Maybe she would help me abort them, she knows how it feels to not want a

baby. She never wanted me.

June 17

Starting to eat less. Having my fathers eyes constantly watching me burns away the hunger.

July 3
Frances caught me crying today. I had to lie to her and come up with some stupid excuse so

she would leave me alone and not tell anyone about it. I promised her that I would read to her

and Mercedes every night just so she wouldnt tell either mom or dad. Shes such a con artist.

She must have started getting into trouble after I left because I can see how angry daddy looks

at her whenever were eating dinner and she doesnt finish her plate. Theyve gotten used to me

not eating. Daddy just makes me a piece of toast and makes mom really pissed off. Thats the

only fun I can have around here, making my mom annoyed or picking on my sisters. Daddy and

I dont talk. We used to be inseparable, best friends and now we cant stay in the same room

together. Hes started drinking heavier now. I guess he probably feels bad for raping me. He

should, hes completely wrecked my life and is forcing me to live with a secret that both him and

I would rather die than tell anyone about. Living in this town is like living through a soap opera.

Everyone knows everyone elses business. Im starting to get the tiniest bump and Im scared

that everyone is going to ask too many questions and daddy and I are going to slip up, and only

God knows what would happen if this town found out he raped me. He would probably be killed.

He served in the military he would most definitely be murdered for what he did to me. Even if he

was thrown in jail he would be killed by the inmates. Thinking of daddy in jail makes me sick to

my stomach. Even though I can never forgive him for what hes done to me hes still my father, I

love him no matter what. I need to talk to him about this and make sure were on the same page

so when I start to get bigger and really show my belly we can have the same story. I havent

spoken to him since May, the day he dragged me back to this God forsaken island. I dont know

how Ill start. I need to really think about this.

July 10

I cant believe what he just told me. I need time to get my thoughts together before I can up and

share this. God.

July 20

Not ready.

August 3

Hes always been attracted to me. I cant do this. He told me about the time when he hit me

after I played a key on the piano while he was tuning it, and how after he hugged me he had to

run away from me because he was hard. He told me that all the times he sent himself away, like

to war, was because he needed to get away from me so he could try and get rid of his feeling

about me. Hes been sexually attracted to me since the day I was born and he told me that all

he ever wanted was to have sex with me because he was sick and he was so angry and so

devastated that I was a lesbian because it wrecked his fantasy. I need to get rid of these babies.

They cant have the same attributes as my father they just cant! I could never live with myself

knowing that my children are part of him. I hate the blood running through my own body. They

need to get out of me.

August 17

I tried to abort them today. I grabbed a coat hanger from the attic and I started to undo it when

Frances came up the stairs and asked me what I was doing. I started to cry and she came over

and gave me the sweetest hug. Holding her in my arms made me realize that I wouldnt really

want to do anything else but to be a mother and have a daughter. Ive struggled to find my

purpose in life and this super weird, messed up and unfortunate event has kind of started

turning into a positive for me. I mean, Ill have a baby and not a husband. I wont have to deal

with anyone elses opinion on raising my own children because there will be no one else. Just

me and the babies. Ive started to feel a little better. I used to get up every morning and struggle

to find a reason to come out of my room, but now all I want to do is play with Frances and
Mercedes and practice being a mother for them, which they obviously love. I cant believe that I

was going to get rid of the precious humans growing inside me. I hope I get two girls. I can

teach them how to sing, how to dress and how to behave like a true lady. Ill never let any man

hurt them. Daddy seems happier now that Im eating a little more and talking more too. Maybe

everything will get better.

September 2

I love being pregnant. The knowledge that something is growing inside me is so wonderful and

so exhilarating that I just cant wait for them to come out and live in the world with me. Ive kept

my promise to Frances and have been reading to her and Mercedes every day and you know

what they told me? They said Im going to make a really good mom. I started to cry and they got

all sad and confused so I had to explain that they were happy tears. Theyre so cute and so

innocent. I hope they never change.

September 10

The same happy life, not much happening.

October 1

Not much has changed. Frances and Mercedes are starting to get bored of reading with me so

weve decided that to hold my end of the deal, wed play with dolls instead. Id rather read.

November 4

They kicked today! I mean I think they did. It is so amazing knowing that a little human will be

coming out of me in four more months! Thinking about it is a little scary, but daddy and I have

been talking a lot more lately and hes taking me on walks by the shore line. Im so happy that

he still loves me and wants to help out as much as he can with the babies to make it up to me.
They are going to be his children after all. I know it sounds crazy, but I think I can finally start to

forgive him for raping me. He did do it out of love like he said, and he promised me that he

would never do it to me again. I really dont think that hes going to hurt me anymore. There is

some part of me that fears for Frances though He has that same look in his eye when he

looks at her when shes misbehaving, the same one he had when he saw me with Rose. I

havent thought about her in so long Maybe I should try to reach out to her one day, just to

see how shes doing and tell her whats going on in my life. Missing her has become a lot easier

now that daddy and I are closer again. Maybe she doesnt need to know.

December 2

Hes raping Frances. Hes hurting my baby sister. He said that he would do the same to my

children if I ever told anyone. How many times can someone break your heart? How many times

can my father break my heart? This stress of keeping yet another secret of his is not good for

my children. I need to protect them from that horrible man. I cant let this stress build up any

more than it already is I need to calm down! I cant calm down hes raping my baby sister! God

help this family. My darling Frances, maybe hell be satisfied enough with her to stay away from

my babies. I dont care about anything else anymore. I dont care if my mother drops dead or my

father is raping my sisters, he raped me. Im stuck with his children. Im stuck with this secret

that can never be revealed until he dies. Maybe Ill kill him, put poison in his beer and let him

die. Im sure no one would really care that he was gone. Im sure God will forgive me because I

would be killing a wicked man. Ill go to confession and say however many Hail Marys it takes to

be forgiven. I cant have him near my children. God I wish I had the strength to do it. I dont

know what Im going to do when these babies come.

December 7

My water broke too early.