Preface

Someofthesepoemshaveappearedinthefollowingmagazines:
Blow,Electrum,LongShot,PoetryL.A.,PoetryNow,Random
Wierdness,SepiaandWormwoodReview.Gratefulacknowledgmentis
madetotheeditors.

[Page5]

Dedication

forDarrellVienna

[Page11]

someofmyreaders

1Ilikeditcomingoutofthatexpensive
2cafeinGermany
3thatrainynight
4someoftheladieshadlearnedthatI
5wasinthere
6andasIwalkedoutwellfedand
7intoxicated
8theladieswaved
9placards
10andscreamedatme
11butallIrecognizedwasmy
12name.

13IaskedaGermanfriendwhattheywere
14saying.

15"theyhateyou,"hetoldme,
16"theybelongtotheGermanFemale
17LiberationMovement..."

18Istoodandwatchedthem,theywere
19beautifulandscreaming,I
20lovedthemall,Ilaughed,waved,
21blewthemkisses.

22thenmyfriend,mypublisherandmy
23girlfriendgotmeintothecar;the
24enginestarted,thewindshieldwipers
25beganthrashing
26andaswedroveoffintherain
27Ilookedback
28watchedthemstandinginthat
29terribleweather
30wavingtheirplacardsandtheir
31fists.

32itwasnicetoberecognized
33inthecountryofmybirth,that
[Page12]

34waswhatmattered
35most...

[Image]

36backatthehotelroom
37openingbottlesofwine
38withmyfriends

39Imissedthem,
40thoseangrywet
41passionateladies
42ofthenight.

[Page13]

talkingtomymailbox...

1boy,don'tcomearoundheretellingmeyou
2can'tcutit,that
3they'repitchingyoulowandinside,that
4theyareconspiringagainstyou,
5thatallyouwantisachancebuttheywon't
6giveyoua
7chance.

8boy,theproblemisthatyou'renotdoing
9whatyouwanttodo,or
10ifyou'redoingwhatyouwanttodo,you're
11justnotdoingit
12well.

13boy,Iagree:
14there'snotmuchopportunity,andthereare
15someatthetopwhoare
16notdoingmuchbetterthanyou
17are
18but
19you'rewastingenergyharanguingand
20bitching.

21boy,I'mnotadvising,justsuggestingthat
22insteadofsendingyourpoemstome
23alongwithyourlettersof
24complaint
25youshouldenterthe
26arena
27sendyourworktotheeditorsand
28publishers,itwill
29buckupyourbackboneandyour
30versatility.

31boy,Iwishtothankyouforthe
32praiseforsomeofmy
33publishedworks
34butthat
[Page14]

35hasnothingtodowith
36anythingandwon'thelpa
37purpleshit,you'vejustgotto
38learntohitthatlow,hard
39insidepitch.

40thisisaformletter
41Isendtoalmosteverybody,but
42Ihopeyoutakeit
43personally,
44man.

[Page15]

thelastgeneration

1itwasmucheasiertobeageniusinthetwenties,
therewere
2only3or4literarymagazinesandifyougotinto
them
34or5timesyoucouldendupinGertie'sparlor
4youcouldpossiblymeetPicassoforaglassofwine,
or
5maybeonlyMir.

6andyes,ifyousentyourstuffpostmarkedfromParis

7chancesofpublicationbecamemuchbetter.
8mostwritersbottomedtheirmanuscriptswiththe
9word"Paris"andthedate.

10andwithapatrontherewastimeto
11write,eat,drinkandtakedrivestoItalyand
sometimes
12Greece.
13itwasgoodtobephoto'dwithothersofyourkind
14itwasgoodtolooktidy,enigmaticandthin.
15photostakenonthebeachweregreat.

16andyes,youcouldwriteletterstothe15or20
17others
18bitchingaboutthisandthat.

19youmightgetaletterfromEzraorfromHem;Ezra
liked
20togivedirectionsandHemlikedtopracticehis
writing
21inhisletterswhenhecouldn'tdotheother.

22itwasaromanticgrandgamethen,fullofthefuryof

23discovery.

24now
25nowtherearesomanyofus,hundredsofliterary
magazines,
26hundredsofpresses,thousandsoftitles.

27whoistosurviveoutofallthismulch?
28it'salmostimpropertoask.

29Igoback,Ireadthebooksaboutthelivesofthe
boys

[Page16]

30andgirlsofthetwenties.
31iftheyweretheLostGeneration,whatwouldyoucall
us?
32sittinghereamongthewarheadswithour
electrictouch
33typewriters?

34theLastGeneration?

35I'dratherbeLostthanLastbutasIreadthesebooks
about
36them
37Ifeelagentlenessandagenerosity

38asIreadofthesuicideofHarryCrosbyinhishotel
room
39withhiswhore
40thatseemsasrealtomeasthefaucetdrippingnow
41inmybathroomsink.

42Iliketoreadaboutthem:Joyceblindandprowling
the
43bookstoreslikeatarantula,theysaid.
44DosPassoswithhisclippednewscastsusingapink
type
45writerribbon.
46D.H.hornyandpissedoff,H.D.beingsmartenough
touse
47herinitialswhichseemedmuchmoreliterarythan
Hilda
48Doolittle.

49G.B.Shaw,longestablished,asnobleand
50dumbasroyalty,fleshandbrainturningtomarble.a
51bore.

52Huxleypromenadinghisbrainwithgreatglee,arguing
53withLawrencethatitwasn'tinthebellyandthe
balls,
54thattheglorywasintheskull.

55andthathickSinclairLewiscomingtolight.

56meanwhile
57therevolutionbeingover,theRussianswereliberated
and
58dying.
59Gorkywithnothingtofightfor,sittinginaroom
trying

[Page17]

60tofindphrasespraisingthegovernment.
61manyothersbrokeninvictory.

62now

63nowtherearesomanyofus
64butweshouldbegrateful,forinahundredyears
65iftheworldisnotdestroyed,think,howmuch
66therewillbeleftofallofthis:
67nobodyreallyabletofailortosucceedjust
68relativemerit,diminishedfurtherby
69ournumericalsuperiority.
70wewillallbecataloguedandfiled.
71allright...

72ifyoustillhavedoubtsofthoseothergolden
73times
74therewereothercuriouscreatures:Richard
75Aldington,TeddyDreiser,F.Scott,HartCrane,
Wyndham
76Lewis,the
77BlackSunPress.

78buttome,thetwentiescenteredmostlyonHemingway
79comingoutofthewarandbeginningtotype.

80itwasallsosimple,allsodeliciouslyclear

81now

82therearesomanyofus.

83Ernie,youhadnoideahowgoodithadbeen
84fourdecadeslaterwhenyoublewyourbrainsinto
85theorangejuice

86although
87Igrantyou
88thatwasnotyourbestwork.

[Page18]

windynight

1theysmileandbringthefood
2theysmileandbow
3asalighthurricanerattlesthe
4blinds

5asthescarletibisappears
6anddancesintheguano
7onmyplate
8I'mnothungryanyhow

9Leda,Tyndareus,Clytemnestra,
10Castor,Polluxoranybodyelse
11Iknowwouldn't
12eatthisstuff.

13Iaskforadoggybag.
14theysmileandscoopthemeal
15intothere.

16laterinmykitchenIdivide
17themealontotheirplates
18placethemuponthefloor

19asmy3catsremainmotionless
20staringupatme
21asIaskthem,"What'sthematter?
22What'sthematter?Eatit!"

23thehurricanescratches
24branchesagainstthewindow
25asIswitchoutthekitchen
26light
27walkoutofthereandinto
28theotherroom
29switchonthetv
30justasacopshootsa
31manatthetopofafireescape

[Page19]

32andhefallsandfalls
33topplingandflatteninginthe
34street:

35hewillneverhavetoeat
36SzechwanshrimpwithChinese
37peas
38again.

[Page20]

hereIam

1drunkat3a.m.atthebottomofmy2ndbottle
2ofwine,Ihavetypedfromadozento15pagesof
3poesy
4anoldman
5maddenedforthefleshofyounggirlsinthis
6dwindlingtwilight
7livergone
8kidneysgoing
9pancreaspooped
10topfloorbloodpressure

11whilethefearofwastedyears
12laughsbetweenmytoes
13nowomanwilllivewithme
14noFlorenceNightingaletowatch
15overme.

16ifIhaveastrokeIwilllayhereforsix
17days,mythreecatshungrilyrippingtheflesh
18frommylegs,wrists,head

19theradioplayingclassicalmusic.

20Ipromisedmyselfnevertowriteoldmanpoems
21butthisone'sfunny,yousee,excusable,be
22causethere's
23stillmoreleft
24hereat3a.m.andIamgoingtotakethissheetfrom
25thetyper
26pouranotherglassand
27insertanother
28makelovetothefreshnewwhiteness

29maybegetlucky
30again

31firstfor
32me

[Page21]

33later
34foryou.

[Page22]

trainingforKidAztec

1IwasayoungguyinLosAngeles.
2therewerelittlebars
3aroundthePlaza,smallMexican
4bars,andtherewasonelarge
5one,wellfrequented,andI
6startedthenightoutthere
7butitwastoomellow
8fullofdecentworkingtypes
9soIgotout
10foundawindinglittlealley,
11dark
12andIfolloweditdown
13switchbladeinpocketuntil
14Ifoundthislittlebar
15atthealley'send
16wentin
17satonastoolandordereda
18bottleofbeer.
19therewere4Mexicansinthere
20includingthebartender
21andIsatlookingstraight
22ahead
23liftingmybeernowand
24then.

25Iwasacrazysonofabitch
26readytogoalltheway
27betternotfuck
28withme...

29Ifinishedthebottle
30orderedanother.

31"wherethehellarethe
32women?"Iasked.

33noanswer.

[Page23]

34"Ishouldn'tbeinhere,"
35Isaid,"I'mtrainingfora
36fightattheOlympic,afour
37rounder,I'mfightingKid
38Aztec..."

39silence.

40Igotoffmystool,stood
41up,sneered,"anybodyherewant
42tosparalittle,huh?"

43noanswer.

44Iputacoininthe
45jukebox.
46themusiccameonand
47Ishadowboxedto
48it.

49whenthepiecewas
50finishedIsatdownand
51orderedanotherbeer.

52"I'makiller,"Itold
53thebarkeep,"aborn
54killer...I'msorryfor
55KidAztec..."

56thebarkeeptookmy
57money,rangitintothe
58register
59hisbacktome.

60Isaidtohis
61back:"ontopof
62everything,I'mawriter.

[Page24]
63Iwriteshortstories,
64novels,poems,
65essays..."

66"Seor,youwrite
67poems?"askedabig
68Mexicanattheendofthe
69bar.

70"shit,yes..."

71"whatdoyouwritethese
72poemsabout?"

73"love..."

74"oh,love,Seor?"

75"lovepoemsto
76Death..."

77Idrainedmybottle,
78orderedanother.

79"Iwritetoo,
80Seor..."

81"ohyeah?"

82"ohyes,Istickmypencilinto
83womenandIwrite
84insideofthem."

85theotherMexicans
86laughed.
87Iwaiteduntiltheywere
88finished.

[Page25]

89"youguysarefools,you
90laughlikefools!"

91"maybeso,Seor,butevenfools
92havearighttolaugh,
93no?"

94Ipeeledthelabeloff
95mybeer,stuckitfacedownon
96thebar,finished
97offthebottle.

98"anotherbeer,Seor?"asked
99thebarkeep.

100"naw,that'senough,Igotto
101getmyrest..."
102Iwalkedtowardthe
103exit.

104"goodluckwithyourfightwith
105KidAztec,Seor,"somebody
106said.

[Image]

107Iwalkedupthelittle
108alley,stoppedtopukeina
109darkcorner,finished,walked
110outonthestreet
111lookingforapoem,abetter
112bar,something,
113anything.

114Ihadonlyboredthemwith
115mydangerousness.

[Page26]

116allthenightswerethe
117sameandthedayswere
118worse.

119Istoodunderatreeat
120theedgeofthePlaza
121lightingacigaretteand
122tryingtolooklikea
123killer.

124nobodynoticed.

125maybetheynever
126would.

127Ihadheldthematch
128toolong,itburnedmy
129fingers.
130Icursedloudly,stepped
131outandbeganwalking
132towardthetrain
133station

134somebodyhadtoldme
135thatthehookerswere
136suckingthemoffrightonthe
137loadingramps...

[Page27]

Sparks

1thefactoryoffSantaFeAve.was
2best.
3wepackedheavylightingfixturesinto
4longheavyboxes
5thenflippedtheboxesintostacks
6sixhigh.
7thentheloaderswould
8comeby
9clearyourtableand
10you'dgoforthenextsix.

11tenhourday
12fouronSaturday
13thepaywasunion
14prettygoodforunskilledlabor
15andifyoudidn'tcomein
16withmuscles
17yougotthemsoonenough

18mostofusin
19whitetshirtsandjeans
20cigarettesdangling
21sneakingbeers
22managementlooking
23theotherway

24notmanywhites
25thewhitesdidn'tlast:
26lousyworkers
27mostlyMexicansand
28blacks
29coolandmean

30nowandthen
31abladeflashed
32orsomebodygot
33punchedout

[Page28]

34managementlooking
35theotherway

36thefewwhiteswholasted
37werecrazy

38theworkgotdone
39andtheyoungMexicangirls
40keptus
41cheerfulandhoping
42theireyesflashing
43messages
44fromthe
45assemblyline.

46Iwasoneofthe
47crazywhites
48wholasted
49Iwasagoodworker
50justfortherhythmofit
51justforthehellofit
52andaftertenhours
53ofheavylabor
54afterexchanginginsults
55livingthroughskirmishes
56withthosenotcoolenoughto
57abide
58weleft
59stillfresh

60weclimbedintoourold
61automobilesto
62gotoourplaces
63todrinkhalfthenight
64tofightwithourwomen

65toreturnthenextmorning
66topunchin

[Page29]

67knowingwewere
68suckers
69makingtherich
70richer

71weswaggered
72inourwhitetshirtsand
73jeans
74glidingpast
75theyoungMexicangirls

76weweremeanandperfect
77forwhatwewere
78hungover
79wecould
80damnwell
81dothejob

82but
83itdidn'ttouchus
84ever

85thosefilthypeelingwalls

86thesoundofdrillsand
87cuttingblades

88thesparks

89weweresomegang
90inthatdeathballet

91weweremagnificent

92wegavethem
93betterthantheyasked

94yet
[Page30]

95wegavethem
96nothing.

[Page31]

allthecasualties...

1Itoldhertheninbed
2afterflyingalltheway
3downthere
4Itoldherinbed
5afterwards,
6"there'snogoingback,
7youknow,it'stoogod
8damnedbad..."

9anditwas
10althoughIstayed2or
113days
12andthenshedroveme
13totheairport
14thedogwasinthe
15backseat
16thatdogwhohadlived
17withus
18thosefew
19years.

20Igotout
21toldher
22"don'tcomein,"
23thedogjumpedup
24anddown,
25heknewIwasgoing,
26Iroughedhimup,
27heslobberedacross
28myface.
29whatcrap.
30Ileanedin
31holdingmybag,
32shegavemealittle
33goodbyekiss,
34thenIturnedand
35walkedintothe
36airportoffice

[Page32]

37uptothecounter
38gotoutthe
39otherhalfoftheroundtrip
40ticket.

41"smokingornon
42smoking?"theclerk
43asked.
44"drinking,"I
45said.

46Igotmyboardingpass
47andwalkedtoward
48thegate
49feelingbad

50foreverybody
51Iknew

52didn'tknow

53would
54know.

[Page33]

ALovePoem

1allthewomen
2alltheirkissesthe
3differentwaystheyloveand
4talkandneed.

5theirearstheyallhave
6earsand
7throatsanddresses
8andshoesand
9automobilesandex
10husbands.

11mostly
12thewomenarevery
13warmtheyremindmeof
14butteredtoastwiththebutter
15melted
16in.

17thereisalookinthe
18eye:theyhavebeen
19takentheyhavebeen
20fooled.Idon'tquiteknowwhatto
21dofor
22them.

23Iam
24afaircookagood
25listener
26butIneverlearnedto
27danceIwasbusy
28thenwithlargerthings.

29butI'veenjoyedtheirdifferent
30beds
31smokingcigarettes
32staringatthe
33ceilings.Iwasneitherviciousnor

[Page34]

34unfair.only
35astudent.

36Iknowtheyallhavethese
37feetandbarefoottheygoacrosstheflooras
38Iwatchtheirbashfulbuttocksinthe
39dark.Iknowthattheylikeme,someeven
40loveme
41butIlovevery
42few.

43somegivemeorangesandvitaminpills;
44otherstalkquietlyof
45childhoodandfathersand
46landscapes;somearealmost
47crazybutnoneofthemarewithout
48meaning;somelove
49well,othersnot
50so;thebestatsexarenotalwaysthe
51bestinother
52ways;eachhaslimitsasIhave
53limitsandwelearn
54eachother
55quickly.

56allthewomenallthe
57womenallthe
58bedrooms
59therugsthe
60photosthe
61curtains,it's
62somethinglikeachurchonly
63attimesthere's
64laughter.

65thoseearsthose
66armsthose
67elbowsthoseeyes

[Page35]

68looking,thefondnessand
69thewantingIhavebeen
70heldIhavebeen
71held.

[Page36]

Horsemeat

1Ipark,getout,lockthecar,it'saperfectday,
warmand
2easy,Ifeelallright,Ibeginwalkingtowardthe
track
3entranceandalittlefatguyjoinsme,hewalksat
myside,
4Idon'tknowwherehecamefrom.
5"hi,"hesays,"howyoudoing?"
6"o.k.,"Isay.
7hesays,"Iguessyoudon'trememberme.you'veseen
mebefore,
8maybetwoorthreetimes."
9"maybeso,"Isay,"I'matthetrackeveryday."
10"Icomemaybethreeorfourtimesamonth,"hesays.
11"withyourwife?"Iask.
12"ohno,"hesays,"Ineverbringmywife."
13wewalkalongandIwalkfaster;hestrugglestokeep
up.

14"whoyoulikeinthefirst?"heasks.
15ItellhimthatIhaven'tgottentheFormyet.

16"wheredoyousit?"heasks.
17ItellhimthatIsitinadifferentplaceeverytime.

18"thatGoddamnedGilligan,"hesays,"istheworst
jock
19atthetrack.lostabundleonhimtheotherday.why
20dotheyusehim?"
21ItellhimWhittinghamandLongdenthinkhe'sall
22right.
23"sure,they'refriends,"heanswers."Iknowsomething
about
24Gilligan.wanttohearit?"
25Itellhimtoforgetit.

26wearenearingthenewspaperstandsneartheentrance
27andIslantofftowardtheleftasifIweregoingto
buy
28apaper.
29"goodluck,"Itellhimanddriftoff.
30heappearsstartled,hiseyesgointoshock;he
remindsme
31ofsomewomenwhoonlyfeelsecurewhensomebody's
thumbis
32uptheirass.

[Page37]

33helooksabout,spotsagreyhairedoldmanwitha
34limp,rushesup,catchesstridewiththeoldguyand
begins
35talkingtohim...

II

[36]Beingalonehasalwaysbeenverynecessarytome.Atone
timeI
wasonahotwinningstreakattheracetrack.Themoneyjust
cametome.Acertainbasicsimplesystemwasworkingforme.
ThehorsesmovedsouthandIwalkedoffmyjobandfollowed
themdowntoDelMar.

[37]Itwasagoodlife.I'dwineachdayatthetrack.Ihad
aroutine.
AfterthetrackI'dstopoffattheliquorstoreformyfifthof
whiskeyandmysixpackofbeerandthecigars.ThenI'dget
backintothecarandcruisethecoastforamotel,park,carryin

mystuff,shower,changeclothesandthengetmyassbackinto
thecarandcruisethecoastagainthistimeforaneating
place.
AndwhatIwouldlookforwasaneatingplacewithoutpeoplein
it.(Theworst,Iknow.)ButIdidn'tlikecrowds.Ialwaysfound
one.Wentinandordered.

[38]So,thisparticularnight,Ifoundaplace,wentin,sat
atthe
counter,ordered:porterhousewithfrenchfries,beer.Everything
wasfine.Thewaitressdidn'tbotherme.Isuckedatmybeer,
orderedanother.Thenthemealcame.Goddamn,itlooked
good.Ibegan.Ihadafewfinebites,thenthedooropenedand
thisfellowcamein.Therewere14emptystoolsatthecounter.
Thisfellowsatdownnexttome.

[39]"Hi,Doris,how'sitgoing?"

[40]"O.k.,Eddie.Howyadoing?"

[41]"Fine."

[42]"What'llyahave,Eddie?"

[43]"Oh,justacoffee,Iguess..."

[44]DorisbroughtEddiehiscoffee.

[45]"Ithinkthefuelpumponmycarisgoingout..."

[46]"Alwayssomedamnthing,huhEddie?"

[47]"Yeah,nowmywifeneedsnewplates,Doris."

[48]"Youmeanhouseware?"

[Page38]

[49]"Imeanmouthware!"

[50]"Oh,Eddie,ha,ha,ha!"

[51]"Well,"Eddiesaid,"whenitrainsitpours!"

[52]Ipickedupmyplateandmybeer,myfork,myknife,my
spoon,mynapkin,myassandmoveditallovertoafarbooth.I
satdownandbeganagain.AsIdidIwatchedEddieandDoris.
Theywerewhispering.ThenDorislookedatme:
[53]"Iseverythingallright,sir?"

[54]"Now,"Itoldher,"itis."

III

55afatMexicanwomaninfrontofmeinline
56laysdownherlasttwodollarsallinchange:
57quarters,dimesandnickles
58asshecallsthewrongnumber.
59Iwalkup,bettwentywinandcallthe
60wrongnumberalsoas
61afartofthundereruptsintheskyfollowed
62byadistantlight
63smalldropsofrainbegintheirworkandwe
64gooutandwatchthelastrace:
6512threeyearoldsataflatmile,nonwinners
66oftworaces
67theybreakinaspillofcolorandchance
68fightforpositiononthequickturn
69enterthebackstretchbeforetheenchanting
70mountains
71there'sstillachanceforeverybody
72exceptthatthe6horsesnapsafront
73forelegand
74tossesamillionairecalledPincaytothe
75hardhardgroundas
76someofthepoorgroanforhim
77othersdon'tcare
78andafewaresecretlydelighted.
79thetrackambulancecirclescounter

[Page39]

80clockwise
81theraceunfoldsunfolds
82as3contendersstraightenoutforthe
83stretchdrive
84thefavoritegivesway
85fallsback
86asthe2ndfavoriteanda26tooneshot
87drivetothewireasasingle8leggedcreature,
88thelastheadbobinthephotobelongingto
89thelongshot.
90mostofustearupourticketsandbeginour
91walktowardtheparkinglotandwhateveris
92leftoverforus
93thehotdropsofrainincrease
94becomecold
95allwehopefornowisthatourautomobiles
96mightstillbethere
97asPincayregainsconsciousnessinthetrack
98infirmaryandasks,"whatthehell
99happened?"

IV

[100]Ihaveasaying,"Youwillfindthelowestofthebreedat
the
racetrack."Iamtherealmosteverydayworkingonmyvarious
systems,waitingthelong30minutesbetweenraces.Idon't
knowhowmanyofthose30minutewaitsIhavegivenaway
overtheyearssittingtherewaitingforaracethatisgenerally
overinaminuteandnineseconds.Andatthequarterhorse
racesmostarefinishedin17secondsplusatick.

[101]Aracetrackneverhasalosingday.Foreachdollarbet
they
givebackabout84cents.InMexicotheygiveback75cents.At
someoftheEuropeantrackstheygiveback50cents.Itdoesn't
matter,thepeoplecontinuetoplay.Checkthefacesatany
trackgoingintothelastrace.Youwillseethestory.

[102]WhenIcameoutoftheCharityWardoftheL.A.County
GeneralHospitalin1955afterdrinkingtenyearswithout

[Page40]

missinganightoraday(exceptwhileinjail)theytoldmethat
if
IevertookanotherdrinkIwouldbedead.Iwentbacktomy
shackjobandIaskedher,"WhatthehellamIgoingtodo
now?"

[103]"We'llplaythehorses,"shesaid.

[104]"Horses?"

[105]"Yeah,theyrunandyoubetonthem."

[106]Shehadfoundsomemoneyontheboulevard.Wewentout.
I
had3winners,oneofthempaidover50bucks.Itseemedvery
easy.

[107]WewentasecondtimeandIwonagain.

[108]ThatnightIdecidedthatifImixedsomewinewithmilk
that
itmightnothurtme.Itriedaglass,halfwine,halfmilk.I
didn't
die.ThenextglassItriedalittlelessmilkandalittlemore
wine.
BythetimethenightwasoverIwasdrinkingstraightwine.In
themorningIgotupwithouthemorrhaging.AfterthatIdrank
andplayedthehorses.27yearslaterIamstilldoingboth.Time
ismadetobewasted.

109mywomenofthepastkeeptryingtolocateme.
110Iduckintodarkclosetsandpulltheovercoats
111about.

112attheracetrackIsitinmyclubhouseseat
113smokingcigaretteaftercigarette
114watchingthehorsescomeoutforthepostparade
115andlookingovermyshoulder.

116Igotobetthisone'sasslookslikethatone's
117assusedto.
118Iduckawayfromher.

119thatone'shairmighthaveherunderit.
120Igetthehelloutoftheclubhouseandgo
121tothegrandstandtobet.

[Page41]

122Idon'twantareturnofanyofthepast.
123Idon'twantareturnofanyofthoseglorious
124ladiesofmypast,
125Idon'twanttotryagain,Idon'twanttosee
126themagaineveninsilhouette;
127Igavethemall,gaveallofthemtoalltheother
128menintheworld,theycanhavethedarlings,
129thetitstheassesthethighstheminds
130andtheirmothersandfathersandsistersand
131brothersandchildrenanddogsandxboyfriends
132andpresentboyfriends,theycanhavethemand
133fuckthemandhangthem
134upsidedown.

135Iwasaterribleandajealousmanwhomistreated
136themandit'sbestthattheyarewithyou
137foryouwillbebettertothemandIwillbe
138bettertomyself
139andwhentheyphonemeorwritemeorleave
140messages
141Iwillsendthemalltoyou
142myfinefellows

143Idon'tdeservewhatyouhaveandIwantto
144keepitthatway.

VI

145gottothetrackearlytostudymyfiguresandhere's
this
146mancomingby
147dustingseats.hekeepsathiswork,dustingaway,
148probablygladtohavehisjob.
149I'moneofthosewhodoesn'tthinkthereismuch
difference
150betweenanatomicscientistandamanwhocleansthe
crappers
151exceptfortheluckofthedraw
152parentswithenoughmoneytopointyoutowardamore
153generousdeath.

[Page42]

154ofcourse,somecomethroughbrilliantly,but
155therearethousands,millionsofothers,bottledup,
kept
156fromeventhemostminutechancetorealizetheir
157potential.

158"how'sitgoing?"Iaskedhimashedustedby.

159"o.k.,howaboutyou?"heasked.

160"Idoallrightonthehorses.it'sthewomenwhereI
lose."

161helaughed."yeah.amancanhavetwoorthreebad
experiences,
162itcanreallysethimback."

163"Iwouldn'tmindtwoorthree,"Itoldhim."I'vehad
164elevenortwelve."

165"man,youmustknowsomething.whodoyoulikeinthe
first?"

166Itoldhimthattheentry,whichwasreading4toone
should
167finishonetwo.(45minuteslateritdid.)butit
wasn't45
168minuteslater.hewentdustingoffandIthoughtofall
the
169rottenjobsandhowgladIhadbeentohavethem.fora

170while.thenitwasalwaysamatterofquittingor
gettingfired
171andbothfeltgood.

172whenyousleepandlivewiththesamewomanforover
two
173yearsyouknowwhat'sfinallygoingtohappenonlyyou
don'tknow
174why.it'snotinthecharts.it'sinpastperformance
175butit'snotinthecharts.

176myfriend,dustingoffthetrack,hedidn'tknow
either.

177Igotupandwalkedoverforacoffee.thegirlbehind
the
178counterwasaslimbrunettewithatinyblueflowerin
herhair,
179niceeyes,nicesmile.Ipaidformycoffee.
180"goodluck,"shesaid.

[Page43]

181"youtoo,"Isaid.

182Itookmycoffeebacktomyseat,thewindcamefrom
thewest,
183Itookasipoffthetopandwaitedfortheaction,
thinkingof
184manythings,toomanythings.itjustwentintothe
grassand
185treesanddirtoutthere,onemile,thedirtyshadesin

186dirtyroominghousesflappingbackandforthinalight
wind,
187torn,thedirtytroopsenteringthenewvillage,
188andallmyoldgirlfriendsunhappyagainwiththeir
newmen.

189Isatbackanddrankmycoffeeandwaitedforthefirst

190race.

VII

191Iamatthetrack
192andgouptobet
193tenwinonthefour
194horse
195somebodyhollers,
196"HEY!"
197Ilookup.
198ateller3windows
199downislooking
200atmeand
201smiling.
202he'sayoungfellow
203inawhiteshirt
204smilingaway.
205Iwalkuptohim.
206"howthehellyou
207beendoing?"he
208asks.
209"o.k.,"Isay,
210"how'sitbeen
211withyou?"

[Page44]

212"fine,"hesays
213andreaches
214out.
215weshakehands.
216"well,"Itell
217him,"stayin
218there!"
219"youtoo!"he
220grins.

221Iturnandwalk
222off,thinking,
223whowasthat?

224thenIseea
225younggirlwith
226longlegs.
227sheiswearinga
228beret.

229unusual.
230Ifollow
231her.

VIII

232Ipaymywayin,findaseatfarfromeverybody,sit
down.
233Ihavesevenoreightgoodquietminutes,thenIheara

234movement:ayoungmanhasseatedhimselfnearme,not
next
235tomebutoneseataway,althoughtherearehundredsof

236emptyseatselsewhere.
237anotherMickeyMouse,Ithink.whydotheyalwaysneed
238me?
239Ikeepworkingatmyfigures.
240thenIhearhisvoice:"BlueBaronwilltakethefirst
241race."
242ImakeanotetoscratchthatdogandthenIlookup
and

[Page45]

243itseemsthatthisremarkisdirectedtome:there's
244nobodyelsewithinfiftyyards.
245Iseehisface.
246hehasafacewomenwouldlove:utterlyblandand
247blank.
248hehasremaineduntouchedbycircumstance,
249amiracleofzero.
250evenIgazeonhim,enchanted:
251it'slikelookingatanendlesslakeofmilk
252neverrippledbyevenapebble.

253IlookbackdownatmyForm.

254"whodoyoulike?"heasks.

255"sir,"Itellhim,"I'dprefernottotalk."

256helooksatmefrombehindhisperfectlytrimmedblack
moustache,
257thereisnotonehairlongerthantheotheroroutof
place;
258I'vetriedmoustaches;I'venevercaredenoughfor
mirrors
259tokeepsomethingthatunnatural.

260hesays,"mybuddytoldmeaboutyou.hesaysyoudon't
talk
261toanybody."

262Igetup,takemypapersthreerowsdownandsixteen
seats
263over,Itakeoutmyset
264ofredrubberearplugs,jamthemin.

265Ifeelforthelonely,Isensetheirneed,butIalso
feel
266thattheyshouldall
267comforteachotherandleavemealone.

268so,plugsin,Imisstheflagraisingceremony,being
deep
269intotheForm.

270Iwouldliketobehuman
271iftheywouldonlyletme.

[Page46]

IX

272Ihadbeenupuntil3a.m.thenightbefore.
273heavydrinking:beer,vodka,wine
274andthereIwasatthetrack
275onaSunday.
276itwashot.
277everybodywasthere.
278thekillers,thelovers,thefools.
279thebrotherofJesusChrist.
280theuncleofMickeyMouse.
281therewere50,000ofthem.
282thetrackwasgivingaway
283freecaps
284and45,000ofthosepeoplewere
285wearingcaps
286andthereweren'tenoughseats
287andthecrapperswerecrowded
288andduringtheraces
289thepeoplescreamedsoloud
290thatyoucouldn'thear
291theannouncerand
292thelinesweresolong
293ittookyou
29420minutestolayabetand
295inbetweenrunningtothecrapper
296andtryingtobet
297itwasadayyou
298wouldratherbegin
299alloveragain
300someplaceelse
301butitwastoolateand
302therewereelbowsandassholesevery
303whereand
304allthewomenlookeddumbanduglyand
305allthemenlookedstupidandugly
306andsuddenly
307Igotavisionof

[Page47]
308thewholemassofthemcopulating
309intheinfield
310likedeathblastingdeathwith
311stinkingandstalesemen.
312theywerewalkingallaround
313belching,farting
314bumpingintoeachother
315stinking
316losing
317lost
318hatingthedream
319fornotworking...

320I'vebeengoingtothetrackforyears
321andtonightbetweenthe6thand7thraces
322Iwasinthemen'scrapper
323atLosAlamitos
324andthismanwalkedinwitha
325cornedbeefonrye.
326hewalkeduptotheurinal
327andholdingthesandwichwithone
328hand
329heunzippedwiththeother
330gotitout
331andurinated.
332then
333havingfinished
334heshookitandzippedupwith
335hisnonsandwichhand
336thenstoodattheurinalandtook
337abigbiteoutofthesandwich
338turned
339andwalkedoutoftherewithout
340washinghishands.

[Page48]

341Ikeeptellingpeoplethatthereare
342morethingstotheracetrackthan
343horses.

XI

344Idon'tknowwheretheycomefrom...
345thevet'shome,probably...
346they'reold,balding,machobut
347sexless.
348thesexdriveisnolongerimportant,
349theyareatthetrackeveryday
350arguingovertheirchoices,
351laughing...
352sometimesbetweenracesthey'll
353talkaboutsports:whichis
354thebestbaseballteam,thebest
355hockeyteam,thebestbasketballor
356footballteam,amateursand
357professionalsarediscussed,and
358who'sthebestplayerateach
359position...
360theyoftenbecomeangryandshout
361ateachother.

362theywearoldclothing,greysand
363browns,theywearlargeshoesand
364theyeachhaveawristwatch...
365andwhileothermentheirage
366fighteachother
367inthearenaofexistence
368theysitaboutandargueabout
369whetherthescreenpassisanylonger
370avalidoffensiveweaponinprofessional
371football.(Idon'tthinkthattheyare
372reallyinterested,there'ssimply
373nothingelsetodo.)

[Page49]

374theybet,firststandinginfrontofthe
375window,talking,makinglastminute
376adjustments,thenoneofthembetsfor
377allofthem.
378theracesend,ofcourse,andeach
379eveningtheyleave...
380awaveringlineofthem...
381somestumblingabitasif
382theywerewalkingontheir
383shoelaces...

384theylookwornanddone,
385defeated.

XII

386tenminutesbeforeposttime
387thehorses,jocks,outriders
388comeout
389forthepostparade.
390someofthepeoplegoto
391watch.

392usuallyaboutsixminutesto
393post
394theparadeisover
395andheretheycome:
396THETIDE.

397theycomesweepingin
398towardthebettingwindows:
399littleoldbentwomen
400cheapholdupmen
401theunemployed
402theA.F.D.C.
403thecrippled
404themad
[Page50]

405thedamned
406thedull
407thebored
408thedullandthebored
409theworn
410thegimpy
411thestyleless
412thedefeatedandthedriven
413thechildmolesters
414thepickpockets
415theFoodStampers
416themuggers
417thewetbacks
418theclerktypists
419thewifebeaters
420themidgets
421thewhores
422theunemployedaircontrollers
423thedisplacedautoworkers
424thefortunetellers
425theglassblowers
426thenightwatchmen
427thefemalelibbers
428thedogcatchersonsickleave
429membersofthecitycouncil
430privatedicks
431bankexaminers
432bitmen
433hitmen
434yourfriendsand
435mine.

XIII

[436]Iwasoutthereagaintoday.Therearesomecreaturesout
there,
shirttailshangingout,shoesrundown,eyesdulled.Manyare
theredayafterday.Howtheymanagetokeepgoingisthe

[Page51]

mystery.Theyarelosers.Butsomehowtheymanagetofindthe
entrancefee,somehowtheymanagetoplacefeeblebets.But
todayIsawtheworst.Ihadalsoseenhimthedaybefore.He
lookedlower,morehopelessthananyskidrowbum,hehada
scabbybeard,partoftheleatherhadpulledawayfromthesoles
ofhisshoes,showinghisbarefeet.Heworeagreasybrown
overcoatbuthehadabitofmoney.Isawhimplacingbets.He
didn'tsitinthestandsbutonsomestepsoutsidewherehe
playedaharmonicaverybadly.Ilookedathim.Hehadon
glassesbutoneofthelenseshadfallenoutandtheonethat
remainedwasnearlyblack.AsIwalkedslowlybyhestarted
talkingtome.Hespokerapidly,"Hey,geoutreehoonarbah!"
Thesentencesthatfollowedwereofasimilarorder.Icouldn't
imaginethismanplacingabetordrivinganautomobile.Buthe
hadaright.Whosaidhecouldn't?Andwhosaidhehadtolooka
certainway?Ortalkacertainway?Societydictatedmodesand
ways.Hewasoutsideallthat.IrememberedstarvinginNew
YorkCity,tryingtobeawriter.OnenightIhadgoneand
boughtabagofpopcorn,itwasmyfirstfoodinseveraldays.
Thepopcornwashotandgreasyandsalty,eachkernela
miracle.Iwalkedalonginabeautifultrance,feelingthekernels

inmymouth,feelingthementermybody.Mytrancewasnot
entire.Twolargemenwalkedtowardme.Theyweretalkingto
eachother.Oneofthemlookedupjustastheypassedmeand
hesaidloudlytohisbuddy,"JesusChrist,didyouseethat?"I
was
thefreak,theidiot,theonewhodidn'tfit.Iwalkedalong,the
kernelsnottastingquitesogood.

[437]AsIpassedthemanattheracetracksittingonthe
stepsI
knewthatanyofuscouldgetlostforeverinthecrowd,someof
usevenwantedto.Iwalkedandfoundaseat.Thehorsesbroke
fromthegate.Itwas6furlongs.Ihadtheonehorseinamaiden
race.Orangesilks.Theoneholeisusuallybadat6furlongsbut
Ihadareasonforthebet.Myhorsebrokepoorly,rushed,fell
back,Ilostsightofhim,thenastheytookthecurveforhomeI
saworangesilksagain,hewascomingfromtheoutside.He
seemedtohesitateinmidstretch,thenhecameonagaintowin
drawingaway.Theyputuptheprice.$14.60.Ihadittenwin.
$73.Igotuptocashmyticket.WhenIdidInolongersawthe

[Page52]

mansittingonthesteps.Ididn'tseehimtherestoftheday.
I'll
belookingforhimtomorrow.There'sagoodcardgoing.Three
maidenraces.Ilovethosemaidenraces.

XIV

438drivinginforawashand
439waxwithnothingtodobutlightacigaretteand
440standinthesun...norent,notrouble...
441hidingfromthewhores...

442...hereitcomes,glisteningblack,youtiptheman
44350cents,getin,yankuptheaerial,adjustside
mirror,
444startit,turntheradioclassical,steeritout
445intothestreets...

446opensunroof,taketheslowlane,hangoverlessening,
447nowsleepyinthesun...you'rethere...

448theparkinglotattendantsknowyou:"hey,Champ,
449how'sitgoing?"

450inside,youopentheForm,decidetohaveaday
451withtherunners...alreadyyou'vespottedtwolow
452pricesuckerbetsinthefirstracethatwillnot
453winthat'sallyouneed,anedge...

454"Hank..."

455it'ssomebodybehindyou,youturn,it'syourold
456factorybuddy,SpencerBishop.

457"hey,Spence..."

458"hey,man,Ihearyoubeenfoolingthepeople,I
459hearyoubeengoingaroundtotheuniversitiesand
460givinglectures..."

[Page53]

461"that'sright,myman..."

462"whatareyougoingtodowhentheyfindyouout?"

463"I'llgobacktothefactory..."

464yougotoyourseatandwatchthemcomeoutforthe
465postparade.
466youcouldbepainting,orinthebotanicalgardens...
467the6looksgoodintheFormandintheflesh...
4687/2isnottheworldbutit'soverathird.

469yougetupandmovetowardthewindows.
470thescreenplayisfinished,you'reintothe4th
471novel,thepoemskeeparriving...notmuchwith
472theshortstorybutthat'swaiting,fixingitself
473up,thatwhoreisgettingready.

474"tenwinsix,"yousaytotheteller.

475it'sthebeginningofamostpleasantafternoon.

476mynextlecturewillbe
477ThePositiveInfluences
478ofGambling
479asaMeansof
480DefiningRealityas
481Somethingthat
482CanBeTouchedLike
483aBookofMatchesor
484aSoupSpoon.

485yes,youthink,goingbacktositdown,
486it'strue.

[Page54]

XV

487somefatsonofabitchwith
488alargepinkpig'shead
489onhisbody
490camerushinguptome
491(why?)
492anyhow
493Ipretendedtobelookingaway
494andasheclosedin
495Idugmyelbowintohisgut.
496Ifeltitsinkinlikeitwas
497enteringasackofdirty
498laundry.

499"mother,"hegasped,
500"help..."

501"youallright,buddy?"I
502asked.

503helookedasif
504hewasgoingtopuke.
505hismouthopened.
506hecuppedhishandsand
507apairof
508yellowandgreenfalseteeth
509withfadedpinkinsides
510fellintohispalms.

511Iwalkedonthroughthecrowd
512andfoundabettingline.
513Idecidedtobetthelast5races
514andleave.
515theonlywayIwouldstay
516wouldbefor$200anhour
517taxfree.

[Page55]

XVI

518Ihavemyfiguresreadyforthe
5196thrace
520thenIlookup
521andsee,well,
522thereinthestandsaheadof
523me
524afellowsitsupright.
525hisfaceissmoothand
526bland.
527thephysiognomyissetat
528absolutezero.

529hehasayellowpencil.
530heflipsitover
531once
532intotheairand
533catchesitwith
534onehand.

535hedoesit
536again
537andagain

538withthesame
539timing.

540whatishe
541doing?

542hejustsitsthere
543andcontinuesto
544repeatthe
545maneuver.

546Ibeginto

[Page56]

547count:

548onetwothree
549fourfivesix...

55023,24,25,26,
55127...

552hismovementsare
553dullandgraceless,
554heremindsmeofa
555factorymachine.

556thismanismyenemy.

55745,46,47,48...

558hisfacehasthe
559tautdeadskin
560ofamounted
561ape

562andIamsitting
563withmytwoday
564twonight
565hangover
566watching...

56753,54,55...

568thiswillbemy
569lifeinhell:watching
570menlikethat
571sittingforever
572tossingand
573catchingpencils
574withone
575hand

[Page57]
576inthatsame
577noninnovational
578rhythm...

579Iaminvertigo.
580Ifeelapressing
581atthetemples
582asifIwasgoing
583mad.

584Ican'twatch
585anylonger.

586Igetupandwalk
587awayfromthe
588seatingsection
589asIthink,

590itwillnever
591letgo
592withthewomen
593youlivewith
594orwhereveryou
595go,supermarkets,
596bazaars,hangglider
597meets,itwill
598findyou,maulyou,
599pissoveryou,let
600youknow
601aboutit
602again.
603andtherewillbe
604nobody
605youcantalkto
606aboutit.

[Page58]

XVII

607IlostadollaratthetracktodayandIknowthat's
608stupid:it'sbettertowinahundredorlosea
hundred
609thereisatleastthejostleofemotions
610butIwas29bucksaheadgoingintothelastracesoI
611laid30winonthis8tooneshotgoingintothelast,
he
612cameinsecond,itwasbackluck
613that'sall.so
614Ilostadollar.

615butsometimeswe'vegottosettlefornotverymuch;
616weneedourrest;greattragedyorgreatvictorywill
617arrivesoonenough.

618soIsitheretonightsippingonmywineandlistening
to
619aVaughanWilliamssymphonyontheradio
620andyoutooareprobablywaitingforbetterorworse.
621waitingisthegreaterportionofbeingaround.

622Iwaitedonthat8tooneshotinthelastraceand
623hecameoninthestretchrapidlyclosingthespace
624betweenhimselfandthehorsenearingthewire,hecame

625withabeautifulrush,poundinganddriving,tofalla
626headshort.

627suchisthelifeofagambler:togoawaythenandwait

628toreturn.

629notallofusaregamblers;thosewhoaren'tdon't
630matter.

XVIII

631thetwooldguysbehindmeweretalking.
632"lookatthat7horse.he's35toone.
633howcanhebe35toone?"

[Page59]

634"yeah,helooksgoodtometoo,"says
635theotheroldguy.

636"let'sbethim."

637"o.k.,we'llbothbethim."

638theygetuptomaketheirbets.

639I'vealreadybet.I'vegot40win
640onthe2ndfavorite.
641Iwinfourdaysoutoffiveata
642racetrack.Itdoesn'tseemtobe
643anyproblem.

644Iopenmynewspaper,readthefinancial
645section,getdepressed,turntothefront
646pageslookingforrobbery,rape,murder.

647thetwooldmenareback.
648"look,the7horseis40toonenow,"
649saysoneofthem.

650"Ican'tbelieveit,"saysthe
651other.

652thehorsesareloadedintothegate,the
653flaggoesup,thebellrings,theybreak
654out.

655it'samileandonesixteenthrace,they
656takethefirstturn,godownthebackstretch,
657circlethelastturn,comedownthestretch,get
658pastthefinishline.

659the2ndfavoritewinsbyaneck,pays
660$7.80.Imake$116.00onthatrace.

[Page60]

661thereissilencebehindme.
662thenoneoftheoldmensays,"the7horse
663didn'trunatall."

664"nope,"saystheother,"Idon'tunderstand
665it."

666"maybethejockdidn'ttry,"says
667hisfriend.

668"thatmusthavebeenit,"says
669theother.

670likemostothermenintheworld
671theybelievethattheirfailure
672iscausedbyanyandmanyfactors
673besidesthemselves.

674Iwatchthetwooldguys
675gatherovertheirRacingForm
676tomaketheirselectioninthe
677nextrace.

678"gee,lookatthis!"saysoneofthe
679oldguys,"theygotRedRabbittento
680oneonthemorningline.helooksbetter
681thanthefavorite."

682"let'sbethim,"saystheotherold
683guy.

684theyleavetheirseatsandmovetowardthe
685bettingwindows.

[Page61]

XIX

686Iamsittinginthestandswitha
687twonight,twodayhangover;
688thesecondnightwastheworst:
689whitewine,redwineand
690tequila.

691IamoutherebecauseIhave
692evolvedanastonishing
693newtheoryon
694howtobeattheraces.

695themoneyissecondary:
696itonlyoperatesasaguideline
697toseeifIamon
698thegivenpath.

699Ipickedup$302
700thedaybefore
701andIam$265ahead
702goingintothesixth.

703Icanbarelyfunction
704butthenewtheory
705(FormulaK)enactsitself:
706MplusSplusCplusO
707(broughtdownto
708therelativepowerof
709?each):
710andthehorsewiththe
711lowesttotalis
712thewinner.

713itislikeknowing
714oneofthesecrets
715oflifeitself.
716whenyourfigurestellyou

[Page62]

717thata2nd,3rdor4th
718favorite
719canbeatthefavorite
720andwhenyourfigures
721selectonlyonehorse,
722itisaverycuriousand
723magicfeeling,ofcourse,
724andyoulearntoapply
725thesamesimplicityto
726otherareasofexistence,
727buttothespiritual
728ratherthanthemathematical
729areas.

XX

73020minuteslater
731Ihadmademybets
732andIwalkedouttotheparkinglot
733andtomycar.
734Igotin
735openedthewindowsand
736tookoffmyshoes.

737thenInoticed
738thatIwasblockedin.
739someguyhadparkedbehindme
740intheexitspace.

741Istartedmyengine
742putitinreverseand
743jammedmybumperagainsthim.
744hehadhishandbrakeon
745butluckilyhewasinneutraland
746Islowlygroundhimbackagainst
747anothercar.
748nowtheothercarwouldn'tbeable

[Page63]

749togetout.

750whatmadeasonofabitch
751thatway?
752didn'ttheyhaveany
753consideration?

754Iputmyshoeson
755gotout
756andlettheairoutofhis
757leftfronttire.

758nogood.
759heprobablyhadaspare.
760soIlettheairoutofhis
761leftreartire
762gotbackintomycarand
763maneuvereditoutofthere
764withsomedifficulty.

765itfeltgoodto
766driveoutofthatracetrack.
767itsureashellfeltbetterthan
768myfirstpieceofassand
769manyoftheotherpieces
770whichfollowed.

[Page64]

60yardpass

1mostpeopledon'tdoverywellandIgetdiscouraged
with
2theirexistence,it'ssuchawaste:allthose
3bodies,allthoselives
4malfunctioning:lousyquarterbacks,badwaitresses,
in
5competentcarwashboysandpresidents,cowardly
6goalkeepers
7inept
8garagemechanics
9bumblingtaxaccountantsand
10soforth.

11yet

12nowandthen

13Iseeasingleperformerdoingsomethingwitha
14naturalexcellence
15it

16canbe
17awaitressinsomecheapcafeora3rdstring
18quarterback
19comingoffthebenchwith24secondsontheclock
20andcompletingthatwinning
2160yardpass.

22whichletsmebelievethat
23thepossibilityofthemiracleisherewithus
24almosteveryday

25andI'mgladthatnowandthen
26some3rdstringquarterback
27showsmethetruthofthatbelief
28whetheritbeinscience,art,philosophy,
29medicine,politicsand/oretc.

[Page65]

30elseI'dshootallthelightsoutof
31thisfuckingcity
32rightnow.

[Page66]

abeginning

1whenwomenstopcarrying
2mirrorswiththem
3everyplacetheygo
4maybethen
5theycantalktome
6about
7liberation.

[Page67]

jackknife

1asyouseethelarge
2truckandtrailer
3jackknifedover
4theedgeofthefreeway
5intheeveningrain
6younoticetheredletters
7ontheside:LUCKY

8asyourwipersthroband
9scrape
10youthink,Ishouldhave
11stayedhomeandworkedon
12thelittledrawingsfor
13thenextnovel

14thenyoufeelshamefor
15suchconservatism
16hitthethrottleand
17beginweavingthroughand
18pasttheotherdrivers

19turningtheradioup
20tosomesexpotsinging
21abouthowmuchshe'd
22likeyourlove

23youglidealong
24totheendofthe
25freeway

26redlight

27sittingintherain
28withtheothers

29manyofthepeopleprobably
30listeningtothesame
31sexpotsinginghow

[Page68]

32muchshe'dlike
33theirlove

34youthinkaboutthat
35poorguyintheLUCKY
36truck
37wonderifhe'lllose
38hisjob

39asthesignalchanges
40andwemoveonto
41theboulevard.

[Page69]

asadpoem

1Iliveinamiddleclassneighborhoodofan
unfashionable
2city
3butevenheretherehavebeenmurdersahalfablock
4away
5andIwouldliketowritefivenovelsbeforeIleave.

6mysecuritysystemmanisaweightlifterandhe
7walkedaboutthehouse
8checkingitoutandhenoticedthebookcase:
9"geez,yagotalotofbooks!"
10"Iwrite."
11"you'reawriter?"
12"yeah..."
13"canIhaveoneofyourbooks?"
14Ipulledonedownandautographeditforhim.
15hefinishedthehousecheckandrecommendedvarious
16measures.
17Iagreed,wrotehimacheckforthetotalamount.

18thenextdayhephoned:"listen,Iwasupallnight
19readingthatbook.you'vebeenthere:allthose
20women,thebooze...youremindmeofmyself..."

21"thanks."

22"whatIlikeaboutyourwriting,it'seasyto
23understand.I'mgoingtoshowyourbooktoall
24theboysdownattheoffice."

25"o.k."

26"listen,Isawthoseweightsinyourbedroom.do
27youliftthoseweights?"

28"no,they'remostlyadecoration."

29"yououghttoworkout..."

[Page70]

30"Iknow..."

31afterhehungupIwentinandtookapullatthe
32weights(only65pounds),didtenoverhead,tengut
33pulls,tenarmlifts.

34thatwastwomonthsago,Ihaven'tliftedthem
35sincebut
36wehaven'tbeenrobbedeither.
37justmorebooksstolenfromthebookcase(many
38originalsI'llneverbeabletoreplace)by
39friendswhocomebytodrinkmywineandtalkand
40laughwithme.
41nosecuritysystemwilldetectthattype
42exceptmyown
43whichhasalwaysknownandwhichkeepsfailing
44fortheirsake
45whichisnowaytoconductanytypeofbusiness,
46eventhisone.

[Page71]

playingitout

1thereareonlytwomenIcanreally
2relatetointhisworldand
3oneisonhisdeathbed
4andtheother,well,hiswife
5justranawayfromhim.

6andIsitheretyping
7thesethings
8drunk
9aseverybodyelseinthe
10neighborhoodis
11asleepexceptfor
12twodogs
13barking
14atthesoundofthese
15keys.

16it'sstrange,Ithink,
17thatthebestIknoware
18introuble
19whiletheworstare
20healthy,calmand
21prosperous;
22theyarealsoexception
23allydull
24andconsiderthemselves
25myfriends.

26Ikeeptypingthese
27drunkpoems
28sittinginthischair
29smokingtoomany
30cigarettes
31andnotunderstanding
32anything
33andfinally
34notwantingto.

[Page72]

35justdrinkingand
36crackingthesekeysto
37makethedogs
38bark
39nightintomorning.

[Page73]

onandofftheroad

1flyingintoastrangetown,beingmetatthe
2airportbyastudent,thendemandingtoknow
3whereisthenearestbar

4gettingthedrinksdownwhilewaitingforthe
5luggage
6then

7beingdriventothehotel,firstdemandingto
8beletoffatthenearestliquorstore

9laterinthehotelroom,switchingonthetv,
10gettingintobedwiththebottle,thinking,I
11don'thavetoreaduntiltomorrownight
12then
13drinkingthatnightaway...

[Image]

14onstagewithanotherbottle,insultingthem
15betweenpoems,theylookasiftheyneedthe
16artistryoftheinsult,
17anyhow

18you'regoingtogetyourcheckwhetheryou're
19goodorbad
20andthere'salwaysthechanceyoumightendup
21inbedwithacoed...

[Image]

22flyingoutoftown,backtoL.A.,yourwoman
23meetingyouattheairport,drivingyouin
24you'reatravelingsalesman:yousell
25poems.

26backattheplaceyoutrytosoberup

[Page74]

27getinanargumentwithyourwoman
28aboutwhetheryougotlaidornot(you
29neveraskher)

30sheclaimsyougotlaid.she'ssometimes
31wrong.

32youwillbegladtobeattheracetrack
33thenextday
34justbeingahorseplayer,standingwiththe
35otherhorseplayerswatchingthemrun:that's
36thegoodpart:notbeingapoet,nothavingto
37getunderthesheetswithacoedanddoingit
38likeyou'reimmortal,
39meanwhile

40yourwomanscreaming,"thenextreading
41I'mgoingwithyou!lookatyou!they'vesucked
42youdry!"

43"gimmeanotherbeer,baby..."

44shejustdoesn'tunderstand:it'stheonlyjobyou
45have

46it'stheonlythingyoucando.

[Page75]

toolate

1Iwasaslowdeveloper.
2Igotgoodtoolate:
3highschoolwasover,
4itwassummer
5withnojob
6andmyfatherlooking
7atmeovertheplates
8atmealtime.

9duringthedayI'd
10hangaroundthelots:
11"hey,anybodywantto
12playfootball?baseball?"

13nowandthenI'dget
14afewguysandthen
15I'dlookgood:
16Icouldpowdertheball
17betterthananybody,
18Icouldmakeimpossible
19gracefulcatchesovermy
20shoulder.

21atfootball
22Iwasthebestbroken
23fieldrunnerinthe
24neighborhood
25Ilaughedatthem
26while
27dodgingpast
28whiletheyounggirls
29andneighborhoodpeople
30applaudedmy
31mastery.

32buttheguysdidn't
33wanttoplay
34anymore:"listen,Hank,

[Page76]

35we'vegotthingsto
36do.
37whydidn'tyou
38gooutfortheteams
39whileyouwerestill
40inschool?"

41thenthey'dleave
42andthepeoplewould
43leaveandIwouldbe
44standinginthevacant
45lot
46alone.

47thenI'dgo
48backtothehouse
49and
50backtomyfather
51watchingmeoverhis
52dinnerplate:

53"well,son,whatdidyou
54dotoday?didyoufind
55ajob?"

56heshouldhaveseenme
57withalltheyounggirls
58screaming.

59hejustdidn'tknow
60whohewas
61sittingatthetable
62with.

[Page77]

onbeing20

1mymotherknockedonmyroominghousedoor
2andcamein
3lookedinthedresserdrawer:
4"Henryyoudon'thaveanyclean
5stockings?
6doyouchangeyourunderwear?"

7"Mom,Idon'twantyoupokingaroundinhere..."

8"Ihearthatthereisawoman
9whocomestoyourroomlateat
10nightandshedrinkswithyou,shelives
11rightdownthehall."

12"she'sallright..."

13"Henry,youcangetaterrible
14disease."

15"yeah..."

16"Italkedwithyourlandlady,she'sa
17nicelady,shesaysyoumustreadalot
18ofbooksinbedbecauseasyoufalltosleepat
19nightthebooksfalltothefloor,
20theycanhearitalloverthe
21house,heavybooks,oneatmidnight,
22anotheratonea.m.,anotherat2a.m.,
23anotheratfour."

24aftersheleftItookthelibrarybooks
25back
26returnedtotheroominghouseand
27putthedirtystockingsandthedirty
28underwearandthedirtyshirtsinto
29thepapersuitcase
30tookthestreetcardowntown

[Page78]
31boardedtheTrailwaysbusto
32NewOrleans
33figuringtoarrivewithtendollars
34andletthemdowithme
35whattheywould.

36theydid.

[Page79]

thetroops

1WorldWarII
2Iwas21
3ridingabusto
4NewOrleans

5thereweremany
6armymen
7onthat
8bus

9therewereonly
102
11youngmen
12notin
13uniform

14aredhaired
15fellowand
16me.

17theredhaired
18fellow
19keptexplaining
20his
21positiontothe
22army
23boys:

24"Jesus,you've
25gotto
26believeme,I
27wanttobewith
28youguys
29butIcan't
30go,I'vegota
31bad
32heart!"

[Page80]

33"that'sall
34right,"they
35toldhim.

36Ididn'tneed
37a
38confessional,
39Ineededa
40savior.
41Ipulledout
42mypint,
43hada
44nip,looked
45outthe
46window...

47itwas
48gettinginto
49evening
50whenthebus
51was
52stopped
53attheedge
54ofthe
55desert
56bysomemore
57soldiers

58somesoldiers
59stoodoutside
60as2entered
61thebus

62theyheavily
63trudged
64along
65nerveendings
66oforderand

[Page81]

67disorder

68theyasked
69eachpassenger:

70"wherewere
71you
72born?"

73itappeared
74that9tenthsof
75thebus
76werebornin
77the
78midwest

79andwhen
80myturn
81came
82Isaid,
83"Pasadena,
84California."
85"whereya
86going?"

87"funeral,my
88brother
89died."

90theymoved
91further
92downin
93thebus

94and
95cameupon
96anold

[Page82]

97man

98"wherewere
99you
100born?"

101"Idon't
102think,"the
103oldman
104answered,
105"that'sany
106ofyour
107business."

108"Sir,I
109askedyou,
110'wherewere
111youborn?'"

112"thisisa
113democracy,I
114don'thave
115toanswer
116that
117question."

118"youson
119ofabitch!"

120thesoldier
121grabbedthe
122oldman
123bythe
124backof
125his
126coat

127liftedhim
128fromhis
[Page83]

129seat

130and
131theydragged
132the
133oldman
134downthe
135aisle
136andout
137the
138frontdoor
139ofthe
140bus.

141thebus
142stood
143there
144andweall
145lookedout
146thewindow
147asagroupof
148soldiers
149surrounded
150him

151weheard:
152"we'retakin'
153youin!"

154"butI've
155gotmy
156baggageon
157the
158bus!"

159"fuck
160your
161baggage!"

[Page84]

162thena
163soldier
164motioned
165tothebus
166driver

167the
168busdoor
169closed
170andthebus
171drove
172off.

173evening
174quicklybecame
175night
176everybodywas
177silentfora
178while

179thenthered
180haired
181fellow
182startedit
183up
184again:

185"listen,I
186reallywant
187togo
188tothis
189war,I'd
190justgive
191anythingif
192Ididn'thave
193this
194bad
195heart."

[Page85]

196thebus
197justkepton
198going.

[Page86]

hog

1hecouldn'tgetthepuckintothenet.
2hewastooslow.
3allhewaswasahog.
4whensomebody
5ontheotherteam
6startedbustingassand
7ribcage
8we'dsendhiminwithinstructionsto
9hammerthefuckerout.
10thehogwouldskatein
11grinningthroughhisyellowteeth
12usefulatlast.
13hewasjustlikedeath
14zeroinginontarget:
15fiveminuteslater
16therewouldbeamandown:
17rammed,sticked,sliced
18outforthegame
19maybetheseason
20andthehogwouldbesittingin
21thepenaltybox,grinning,his
22jobdone.
23nobodylikedhim.
24eveninthelockerroomafterwards
25wedidn'ttalkmuchtohim.
26heknew.
27Imean,wespoketohim.
28sometimesevenoneoftheguys
29wouldjokewithhimabout
30hisnight'swork
31butnobodylaughedvery
32much.

33afterwardshiswifewouldbe
34waitingoutsideinanoldgreen
35stationwagon,
36aridiculousbattered

[Page87]

37machine
38andhe'dclimbinandthey'ddrive
39off
40withheratthewheel,a
41verytallwoman,withabighead,
42thecargoingoffasalwayswith
43onlytherighttaillightworking.

44heknewhisjob.

[Page88]

thewalls

1afteryou'vehitthebarsawhile
2drinking
3goingbacktoyourroomwitha
4fatmama
5doingit
6sleeping
7toawakeninthemorning
8tofindyourwalletgone
9again

10nojob
11nofood
12norent

13justahangoverand
14thedarkpeelingwalls.

15afteryou'vehitthebarsawhile
16youcarryyourwalletinafront
17pocket
18youcarryablade
19youcarrymostofyourbills
20inyourshoe

21yougotothecrappertomakea
22withdrawal.
23itgetssoingrainedthat
24evenwhenyougotoyourroom
25alone
26youautomaticallyhide
27yourwalletandyourmoney
28anduponawakening
29youspendhours
30searching...

31itgetssoingrained
32thatoftenwhenyou'redrinkingwith

[Page89]

33awomanyoutrust
34onewhoislivingwithyou
35youoftenawakentotell
36her:"shit!Ican'tfindmy
37wallet!"

38"nowyouknowit'shere,"she
39says,"you'vejusthiddenit
40somewhere."

41andaftersomehours
42youfindit.

43intheolddaysthereweresome
44strangetimes:
45oncegoingintoalibraryto
46returnsomebooks
47youstoppedthelibrarianjustas
48shewastakingthebooksaway:
49"justamoment,please..."
50(yousawanedgeofgreen)
51andyouopenedthebookand
52pulledout3twentiesand
53aten.

54anothertime
55inaTexasroominghouse
56afteranightofferociousdrinking
57thenextmorning
58youfoundyourwallet
59butnotthemoney.

60therentwasdue
61andyoutoldthelandladyyouhad
62lostyourmoneysomewhere...

63cominginafterasadwalk
64inthestreets

[Page90]

65thelandladymetyou
66shehadahandfulofgreen
67andsaid,
68"Mr.Chinaski,Iwasvacuuming
69yourroomandthevacuumkepthitting
70abumpintherugandIpulled
71therugback
72andthereitwas..."

73anhonestlovelylady.

74luckily,afterthat,Imetmore
75honest,lovelyladies
76somewhoevenputmoneyin
77mywallet
78soI'mnotamisogynist
79beingonlytwoorthreehundred
80dollarsout,
81butIhavespecialreservations
82aboutthosefatmamasofthestreets
83becauseIthinktheunkindest
84crimeofalliswhen
85thepoorrobthepoor
86aftertalkinganddrinkingand
87laughingandmakinglove
88oneleavingtheother
89brokeandhungover
90toawakenlikethat
91insomestrangecity
92alone
93withindarkand
94peelingwalls.

[Page91]

writingisastateoftrance

1shewalksinwhile
2I'mtyping.

3"listen,"shesays,"I..."

4asIscreamandleapoutof
5mychair.

6"sorry,"shesays,"Iwantedto
7askyouaboutsomething..."

8"yes,whatisit?"

9sheleavesandIripthepaper
10fromthetyperandthrowit
11intothetrash.
12there'snowayof
13gettingitback.

14thenIforgetabouther
15startagain
16amthreeorfourpages
17intoitwhenshe
18walksin,

19"listen,I..."

20"HOLYSHIT"Ileapoutof
21mychair.

22Ianswerherquestionand
23sheleaves.

24Isitstaringatthepage
25tryingtopickuptheflow.it's
26gone.
27Iripitfromthemachine,
28trashit.

[Page92]

29Isitlookingata
30cigarbox.
31WhiteOwl,itsays.
32overinacorner
33Iseeadirtybottle.
34HYDROGENPEROXIDE,
35itsays.

36there'snothinglike
37bitchingabout
38badluck:Idoit
39verywell.

[Page93]

DagwoodandBlondie

1Isweptunderneathandgothim
2fromtherear
3aburstoftracersand
4hisgastankexploded.
5Isawhimtryingto
6climboutofhis
7cockpit
8buthecouldn't
9ejecthimself
10theballoftrailingflame
11twistedaway
12totheright
13downand
14down
15tosplashintothe
16ocean.

17Icircledover:
18nothingleft.

19whenyougetinto
20somethinglikethat
21somebodyhas
22towin.

23Iputherbackoncourse
24tothebase.

25well,hehadgotten
26theonethingdone
27thateverybody
28hastodo.

29Istillhad
30it
31todo.

32Ilikedcertain

[Page94]

33delays,
34though.

35meanwhile,itwasa
36startling
37beautifulday.

[Page95]

Ginsberg?

1Iamsittingintheclubhouse
2grandstand
3$311aheadgoingintothe
47th
5whenthisveryyoungman
6walksup
7standsthere
8asIamgoingoverthe
9Form.

10"pardonme,"hesays.

11"yes?"

12"listen,"hesays,"Ithink
13Iknowyou..."

14"no,"Isay,"youdon't."

15"don'tyouknowAllen
16Ginsberg?"

17"Idon'tknowany
18Ginsberg..."

19"didn'tyougivea
20readingata
21nightclubcalledthe
22Sweetwater?"

23"Idon'tknowwhata
24readingis..."

25"listen,"hesays,"I
26knowyou!"

27Istandupandface
28him.

[Page96]

29"listen,buddy,I'ma
30gardenerforsome
31richpeople.
32that'showI
33makeit."

34Iturnandwalkoff
35downthroughtherows
36ofseats
37feelinggood
38justlikeagardener
39should
40outonagamblingnight
41afterarowwith
42hiswoman.

[Page97]

shesaid:

1whatareyoudoingwithallthosepaper
2napkinsinyourcar?
3wedon'thavenapkinslike
4that
5howcomeyourcarradiois
6alwaystunedtosome
7rockandroll
8station?
9doyoudrivearoundwith
10some
11youngthing?

12you're
13drippingtangerine
14juice
15onthefloor.
16wheneveryougointo
17thekitchen
18thistowelgets
19wetanddirty.
20whyis
21that?

22whenyouletmy
23bathwaterrun
24younever
25cleanthe
26tubfirst.

27whydon'tyou
28putyourtoothbrush
29back
30intherack?

31youshouldalways
32dryyour
33razor.

[Page98]

34sometimesIthink
35youhate
36mycat.

37Marthasays
38youwere
39downstairs
40sittingwithher
41andyou
42hadyour
43pantsoff.

44youshouldn'twear
45those
46$100shoesin
47thegarden

48andyoudon'tkeep
49track
50ofwhatyou
51plantoutthere

52that's
53dumb

54youmustalways
55setthecat'sbowlback
56in
57thesameplace.

58don't
59bakefish
60inafrying
61pan...

62Ineversaw
63anybody
64harderonthe

[Page99]

65brakesoftheir
66car
67thanyou.

68let'sgo
69toa
70movie.

71listenwhat's
72wrongwithyou?
73youact
74depressed.

[Page100]

oh,yes

1thereareworsethingsthan
2beingalone
3butitoftentakesdecades
4torealizethis
5andmostoften
6whenyoudo
7it'stoolate
8andthere'snothingworse
9than
10toolate.

[Page101]

thesword

1watchingatvshow
2lateatnight
3there'sthis
4Chinese
5he'sverygood
6withthesword
7hechopsoff
8heads
9or
10ramsitstraight
11onthroughor
12slices
13throats

14bloodspurts
15headsrolllike
16eggrolls

17themoviewas
18madein
19theOrient

20therefore
21believable

22Ismokeand
23drink
24inthedark
25thinking

26myheadis
27still
28on

29as
30thisman

[Page102]

31kills6or
327menin3
33minutes

34asIsit
35andwatch

36noteven
37insorrowfor
38themurdered

39for
40whatis
41important

42isthataman
43dohis
44work
45well

46ofcourse
47whatis
48notimportant
49isnecessary
50too

51often
52theyare
53thesamething:
54theimportantand
55thenon
56important

57myheadis
58still
59on

60Ipoura

[Page103]

61drink
62into
63it

64and
65continue
66towatch
67themovie:

68eachman
69alone
70forever.

[Page104]

practice

1thinkingmoreandmore
2aboutdeath
3Christ,it'sgettingworse
4thanthehorses
5but
6something
7tomuseabout.

8IrememberHenryMilleron
9theTomSnyderShow
10andTomaskedHenry(whowas
11veryveryoldthen):
12"Mr.Miller,doyouever
13thinkofdeath?"

14andheansweredsimply,"ofcourse,
15Ido."

16Irememberreading
17anexcellentpoemaboutdeath
18byD.H.Lawrence:
19"buildthen
20theshipofDeath
21foryoumusttake
22thelongest
23journey
24to
25oblivion."

26theChristiansmakeasimilar
27claim.
28theotherdayonthefreeway
29Iwasfollowingacarand
30thebumperstickersaid:
31DON'TDIEWITHOUT
32JESUS.

33thenyouget

[Page105]

34machoguys
35infactoriesand
36inthebars
37whosay:
38"theonlywaytodieis
39while
40you'refucking."

41well,I'vedonethattoo

42anynumber
43oftimes.

[Page106]

promenade

1Iamtakingawalkabout2:30p.m.
2passagroupofkidsstandingaround
3lookingattheengineofacar.
4thehoodisupandoneofthemappears
5tobeworkingonthemotor.

6Iwalkby
7amthirtyorfortyfeetawayfromthem
8whenoneofthekidsyells:
9"hey,oldman!"

10Istopandturn,wait.
11theydon'tsayanything,lookdown
12attheengine.

13Iwaitamomentlonger,thenturn
14andwalkalong.

15Ihearoneofthemlaugh,"Idon'tthink
16helikedthat!"

17Idon'tmindatall:attheageof62
18Icanstillkicktheirass
19or
20drinkanyofthemunderthe
21table.

22closetothegravebedamned,there's
23notoneofthem
24I'dprefertobe.

25it'sagoodafternoon.

26Ihopetheyfixtheir
27engine.

[Page107]

nightonaVisacard

1Ifinishedmywine
2pouredanother
3tookahitofthat
4litacigarette.
5themotelroomwas
6paidforuntileleven
7a.m.
8nicetinylittlewhite
9towels
10inthebathroomand
11thepaperwrapped
12soapbars
13thecelluloidglasses
14andthe
15paperwrappingover
16thetoiletseat.

17Iswitchedonthe
18tv
19anoldblackand
20white

21Ileftthesound
22offand
23watchedthe
24faces.
25onemanand
26onewoman.
27thereseemedto
28betrouble.
29theylooked
30unhappyalthough
31tomostpeople
32theirfaceswould
33seembeautiful.

34Ikeptwatching

[Page108]

35themwhileIsmoked
36anddrankmore
37wine.

38thenIshutthe
39tvoff
40gotoutofmy
41shorts
42walkedoverto
43thebed
44pulledthecover
45andsheet
46back
47crawledin.

48outsideonSunsetBoulevard
49Icouldseeallthe
50neonthroughthe
51blinds.

52Igotup
53cuttheblinds
54gotbackin.
55itwasgoodand
56dark.
57perfect.

58therewasatap
59onthedoor.
60Iopeneditwith
61thechain
62onand
63lookedout.

64shewasback.
65Ilether
66in.

[Page109]

67"itwasawful,"
68shesaid
69gettingun
70dressed.
71"somesonofa
72bitchtriedto
73rapemeandtake
74mypurseinthe
75parkinglot!
76Ikickedhimin
77theballs!
78comparedtohim
79youlook
80good!"

81"thankyou,
82Sherrie,Ifeel
83blessed..."

84sheclimbedinto
85bednextto
86me.

87"Ijustwantto
88getoffthefucking
89streets!"

90"yeah.Iknowwhat
91youmean."

92"anythingontv?"
93sheasked
94splashingwineinto
95herglass.

96"justonestation,"
97Isaid

[Page110]
98gettingupand
99turningtheseton
100again
101withsound
102andreturnedtothe
103bed.

104thewomanontv
105saidtotheman
106ontv,"you'vegot
107tochoosebetweenyour
108wifeandme!I'm
109tiredofhidingwhat
110wearedoing!
111Iwantourlovetobeout
112front
113likeamarchingband
114likeaflagof
115glory!"

116themanbowedhis
117headand
118didn'tanswer.

119theone
120nexttome
121inbed:
122Irefilledher
123glass.

124byelevena.m.we'd
125bothbegone
126somewhere
127else
128andthemotelmaid
129wouldcomeinand
130cleanup
131afterus.

[Page111]

132she'dgobackto
133thestreetsandI'd
134gobackto
135sometimes
136writingabout
137them.

138butmeanwhile
139wesatuponour
140butts
141pillowstoour
142backs
143theashtray
144betweenuson
145thebed

146wedrankourwine
147fromplasticglasses.
148itwasa
149terriblemovie
150butitwas
151nice
152sittingtherein
153thedark
154watchingit
155while
156smokingand
157drinking
158withouthaving
159tosay
160anything.

[Page112]

Ifallintoitwithouttrying...

1sheconfessedtome
2whatmadeher
3doit:

4"whenIfirstwalked
5intoyourplace
6Ilookedaround
7anditwasfilthy
8butyouwerethefirst
9manI'devermet
10whodidn'thavea
11tvset,
12anditwasright
13then
14thatIdecidedto
15fuckyou."

16ofcourse,whatI
17didn'tlikeabout
18thatwas
19somebodyelse
20deciding
21anything

22soIwentout
23andboughtasecond
24hand
25blackandwhitefor
26$75

27butshestillclimbed
28intobed
29withme

30soIwentout
31andpurchasedalarge
32screen

[Page113]
33colortvwith
34touchcontrol
35andshestillclimbed
36intobed
37withme

38butweplayedonlythe
39radio
40atesandwichesinthe
41park
42metallhersisters
43andwaitedforit
44toend.

[Page114]

goodtimegirl

1youhadyourcrowd
2outback...yourpeoplejust
3sittingthereanddrinkingand
4listeningtoyou...

5youwerecompetingwith
6me!
7butwedanced!
8wehadagoodtime!
9andgod,welaughedtoo!
10youmissedCulpepper!
11god,Culpepperwasfunny!
12wedancedandlaughed,that'swhat
13aparty'sfor!

14youdon'tknowit,butIwentback
15there
16andIsawyouwith3or4
17people,
18god,howsomberyouallwere!
19itwaslikeameetingofthe
20dead!

21well,youtriedtocompetewithme
22andyoufailed!
23I'mfromthecountryandweknow
24howtoparty!
25youthinkIdancetoosexy!
26sureIshakemyass!
27itfeelsgood!
28WHATDOYOUWANTMETODO,COVER
29ALLTHISWITHAGRANNYDRESS?

30IdancecloseandIfollowtheman's
31lead,Iwasalwaystaughttofollow
32theman'sleadsinceIwasa
33littlegirl!
34inthecountry,that'snatural,
[Page115]

35there'snothingdirtyaboutit!
36you'retheonewiththedirty
37mind!
38you'rejealousbecauseyoucan't
39dance.
40andyoudon'tlikepeoplebecause
41you'reafraidofthem!
42IlikepeopleandIlikeparties
43andIliketodance!
44andsodoallmysisters,they'd
45drive2,000milestogotoa
46party!

47well,whydon'tyousaysomething?
48youjustsittheredrinkingand
49lookingatme!

50hey,wherethehellareyou
51going?

52you'realwaysrunningoutthe
53doorandjumpingintoyourcar
54anddrivingoff!

55well,ifyoudon'twantmy
56pussy
57somebodyelse
58will!

59youdon'tknownothin'about
60parties,yousonofa
61bitch!

[Page116]

theladypoet

1itwas7or8yearsago
2welivedtogether
3withour2typewriters
4workingaway
5andher2children
6manipulatingtheroom.

7shewasdifficultwith
8herbrats:
9"getaway!can'tyousee
10thatMamais
11typing?"

12sotheywouldcometome
13andIwould
14answertheirquestionsbe
15tweenmybeersand
16mylines.
17Ireallywasn'ttoofond
18ofthem
19butIwantedtheladyto
20dowell:
21poetrywasimportantto
22her,
23shebecameveryexcited
24andhammeredthekeys
25asifgreatverse
26wasbeingdrilled
27intothepage.

28whenshefinishedapoem
29she'dbringittome
30andI'dreadit,
31"yes,it'sgood...but
32don'tyouthinkit'd
33readbetterifyou
34beganatline

[Page117]

354,droppedline
367...andthen,of
37course,youaregoing
38toneedanending
39line,Idon'tlikethe
40ending..."

41"whatdoyouthink
42theendingshould
43be?"

44"howabout..."and
45Iwouldsuggesta
46line.

47"why,yes,ofcourse!"
48she'dsay,thenrunover
49andreshapethe
50poem.

[Image]

51thelady'spoemsbeganto
52appearinsomeofthe
53littlemagazines
54andsoon
55shewasinvitedtogive
56readingsatthe
57localpoetryholes
58andIwentwithher
59and
60listened

61shehadlonghairand
62wild,wildeyes,and
63shedancedandprancedup
64therewithherpoems,
65overdramatizing,

[Page118]

66butshehadagreat
67body
68andshe
69twisted
70it
71andreadandwavedher
72poems

73andthemenlovedher,
74suchmenastherearein
75suchplaces
76withtheirlittlerhymers
77tuckedintotheir
78knapsacks
79andtheirneuteredfaces
80glistening
81theapplausemadethelady
82think
83thatthingswerereally
84occurring
85anditkepther
86twisting
87prancing,dancing
88and
89typing...

90thelady
91onenight
92afterlovemaking
93toldme,
94"somedayIwillbe
95greaterthan
96you!"

97"atmanythings,"
98Ireplied,"you
99alreadyare."

[Page119]

100wetypedtogether
101andapart
102forsomeyears
103andassuchthingsfinallygo
104itwent.

105shedissolvedtosome
106deserttown
107andIrepairedto
108EastHollywood
109whereIlivedwithsome
110ladies
111whodidn'tgiveafuck
112abouttypingat
113all,whoreallydidn't
114giveafuckabout
115anything.

116Ilivedthroughthattime,
117gotaway,
118movedtoasmalltown
119neartheharbor
120whereIbegantohearfrom
121theladypoet
122again
123viaphoneandletter.
124mainly,Iwasevasive,having
125learnedsometimeagothat
126goingback
127doesn'tmeshwithgoing
128forward.

129"youweremymuse,"
130shesaid,againand
131again,"Ican'twrite
132anymore..."

133so,yousee,Iserveda

[Page120]

134purpose:
135andthat's
136arathernicething,don'tyou
137think?

138muchbetter,Ithink,than
139beingknownforbeingkindly
140understress
141orhavingabigthrobbing
142dick
143waving
144forevermoreready
145toenterthosehungry
146thighs
147wherenoman,beastor
148god
149canstayforever
150oreven
151wantsto?

[Page121]

spacecreatures

1theyareatthetrackevery
2Saturdayafternoon:two
3immenselyfatmen
4afatwoman
5andthefatwoman'sson
6(whoisalsogettingobese
7andisthesonofoneof
8themen).

9theysittogether
10eathotdogs
11drinkbeer
12andscreamtogether
13duringtherace
14andafterthe
15race.
16nomatter
17whowins
18theyscream.
19betweenracesthey
20arguewhileconsuming
21hotdogsandbeer.

22Isitandwatchthem
23fromadistance.
24theyarefarmore
25interestingthan
26thehorsesor
27thewarin
28Nicaragua.

29asIwatch
30thefattestman
31liftshisbeercup
32(largesize)
33andgulpsdowna
34massofsuds.
35hismouthis

[Page122]

36strangelysmalland
37hebitesat
38thecupand
39muchofthebeer
40spillsout
41runsdown
42eachside
43ofhischinand
44onto
45hisshirt.
46hepullsthecup
47outofhismouth
48andscreams:
49"SHIT!"

50"YOUASSHOLE!"
51thefatwoman
52screamsat
53him.

54"SHUTUP!"
55hescreams
56backather.
57thentheyboth
58sitthere
59notangry
60atall
61asifnothing
62hadoccurred.

63then
64theother
65fatman
66says:
67"I'MGONNABET
68THE6,THE3AND
69THE9!"

[Page123]

70eventhough
71he'sonlyspeaking
72it'sasif
73theaveragepersonwere
74shouting.

75theson
76isdressedin
77redpants
78whitetshirt
79whitetennis
80shoes.

81thetwomen
82aredressed
83inblackpants
84whitetshirts
85andveryshiny
86blackshoes.

87theylooklike
88brothers.

89thewomanis
90dressedina
91soiledwhite
92dress
93wearsfaded
94green
95tennisshoes
96withoutsocks.

97asIwatchshe
98lifts
99herbeercup
100(largesize).
101shealsohas
102atiny

[Page124]
103mouth
104butshehas
105pinchedtheedge
106ofthecup,
107madealittle
108runway.

109shedrainsthe
110cup
111crushesit
112flipsitoffto
113oneside
114belches:
115"WHO'SGONNABUY
116THENEXTFUCKING
117ROUND?"

118nobodysits
119nearthem.

120these,
121Ithink,couldbe
122spacecreatures
123fromadistant
124planet.

125Irather
126likethem.
127theirattentionspan
128islimited
129buttheymake
130fewpretenses.

131"I'MGOINGTOGARDENA
132TONIGHT!"saystheman
133whoisn'tquiteasfat
134astheother.

[Page125]

135"YOUCAN'TBEATTHOSE
136GRAND
137MOTHERS!"saysthe
138fattest.
139"THEYSITONTHEIR
140HANDS."

141"SHUTUP!"
142says
143thewoman.

144theson
145intheredpants
146neversays
147anything.
148hejustsits
149aroundand
150standsaround
151graduallygetting
152bigger.

153thenthehorses
154appearonthetrack
155forthe
156postparade.

157"SHOEMAKERTHE
158FAKER!"thefattest
159manscreamsat
160theworld's
161winningest
162jock.

163Shoemakerblinksbut
164carrieson.
165havingmadea
166fewmillion

[Page126]

167heunderstandsthe
168rancorof
169losers.

170thenthewoman
171leapsup.
172well,shedoesn't
173leap...she
174rises,a
175mountainof
176womanhoodand
177says:"HEY,DIDJA
178SEETHAT?THE5
179HORSEJUSTSHIT!
180HE'SGONNABE
181LIGHTER!THATGIVES
182HIMTHEADVANTAGE!
18325TOONE!IGOT
184MYGODDAMNED
185BET!"

186"SITDOWN!"saysthe
187fattestone."YOU'RE
188BLOCKINGOUTTHE
189SUN!"

190Ileavethen.
191gotothebetting
192window.
193IbetShoemakerthe
194faker.

195whenIcomeback
196they'regone.
197Idon'tunderstand
198it.

199theracegoes

[Page127]

200off.
201Shoemakercomes
202inat
2035toone.
204I'vegothim
20520win.

206theydon't
207return
208afterthat
209raceorthe
210next.

211andIrealize
212that
213theyare
214gone

215Iambesetwith
216aninescapable
217sadness

218theyhavegone
219somewhere

220theyaresomewhere
221else

222theyaredrinking
223beerandeating

224gettingbigger
225andlouder

226these
227terrible
228obnoxious
229undefeated

[Page128]

230beings.

231Imissthem.

[Page129]

uponfirstreadingtheimmortalliteratureoftheworld

1theschoolchildren
2bangclosed
3theirheavy
4books

5andrun
6eversogladly
7tothe
8yard

9or

10evenmore
11alarming

12backto
13their
14horrible
15homes.

16thereisnothingso
17boring
18as
19immortality.

[Page130]

thehistoryofatoughmotherfucker

1hecametothedooronenightwetthinbeatenand
2terrorized
3awhitecrosseyedtaillesscat
4Itookhiminandfedhimandhestayed
5grewtotrustmeuntilafrienddroveupthedriveway

6andranhimover
7Itookwhatwaslefttoavetwhosaid,"notmuch
8chance...givehimthesepills...hisbackbone
9iscrushed,butitwascrushedbeforeandsomehow
10mended,ifheliveshe'llneverwalk,lookat
11thesexrays,he'sbeenshot,lookhere,thepellets
12arestillthere...also,heoncehadatail,somebody

13cutitoff..."

14Itookthecatback,itwasahotsummer,oneofthe
15hottestindecades,Iputhimonthebathroom
16floor,gavehimwaterandpills,hewouldn'teat,he
17wouldn'ttouchthewater,Idippedmyfingerintoit
18andwethismouthandItalkedtohim,Ididn'tgo
any
19where,Iputinalotofbathroomtimeandtalkedto
20himandgentlytouchedhimandhelookedbackat
21mewiththosepalebluecrossedeyesandasthedays
went
22byhemadehisfirstmove
23dragginghimselfforwardbyhisfrontlegs
24(therearoneswouldn'twork)
25hemadeittothelitterbox
26crawledoverandin,
27itwaslikethetrumpetofpossiblevictory
28blowinginthatbathroomandintothecity,I
29relatedtothatcatI'dhaditbad,notthat
30badbutbadenough...

31onemorninghegotup,stoodup,fellbackdownand
32justlookedatme.

33"youcanmakeit,"Isaidtohim.

34hekepttrying,gettingupandfallingdown,finally

[Page131]

35hewalkedafewsteps,hewaslikeadrunk,the
36rearlegsjustdidn'twanttodoitandhefellagain,
rested,
37thengotup.

38youknowtherest:nowhe'sbetterthanever,
crosseyed,
39almosttoothless,butthegraceisback,andthatlook
in
40hiseyesneverleft...

41andnowsometimesI'minterviewed,theywanttohear
about
42lifeandliteratureandIgetdrunkandholdupmy
crosseyed,
43shot,runoverdetailedcatandIsay,"look,look
44atthis!"

45buttheydon'tunderstand,theysaysomethinglike,
"you
46sayyou'vebeeninfluencedbyCeline?"

47"no,"Iholdthecatup,"bywhathappens,by
48thingslikethis,bythis,bythis!"

49Ishakethecat,holdhimupin
50thesmokyanddrunkenlight,he'srelaxedheknows...

51it'sthenthattheinterviewsend
52althoughIamproudsometimeswhenIseethepictures
53laterandthereIamandthereisthecatandweare
photo
54graphedtogether.

55hetooknowsit'sbullshitbutthatsomehowitall
helps.

[Page132]

ourcuriousposition

1Saroyanonhisdeathbedsaid,
2"IthoughtIwouldneverdie..."

3Iknowwhathemeant:
4Ithinkofmyselfforever
5rollingacartthrougha
6supermarket
7lookingforonions,potatoes
8andbread
9whilewatchingthemisshapen
10anddrollladiespush
11by.
12Ithinkofmyselfforever
13drivingthefreeway
14lookingthroughadirty
15windshieldwiththeradiotunedto
16somethingIdon'twant
17tohear.
18Ithinkofmyselfforever
19tiltedbackina
20dentist'schair
21mouth
22crocodiledopen
23musingthat
24I'min
25Who'sWhoinAmerica.
26Ithinkofmyselfforever
27inaroomwithadepressed
28andunhappywoman.
29Ithinkofmyselfforever
30inthebathtub
31fartingunderwater
32watchingthebubbles
33andfeelingproud.

34butdead,no...
35bloodpinpointedoutof
36thenostrils,

[Page133]

37myheadcrackingacross
38thedesk
39myfingersgrabbingat
40darkspace...
41impossible...

42Ithinkofmyselfforever
43sittingupontheedge
44ofthebed
45inmyshortswith
46toenailclippers
47crackingoff
48hugeuglychunks
49ofnail
50asIsmile
51whilemywhitecat
52sitsinthewindow
53lookingoutoverthe
54town
55asthetelephone
56rings...
57inbetweenthe
58punctuating
59agonies
60lifeissucha
61gentlehabit:
62Iunderstandwhat
63Saroyan
64meant:

65Ithinkofmyselfforever
66walkingdownthe
67stairs
68openingthedoor
69walkingtothe
70mailbox
71andfindingallthat

[Page134]

72advertising
73which
74Idon'tbelieve
75either.

[Page135]

thesickness

1if
2onenight
3Iwrite
4whatIconsiderto
5be
65or6goodpoems
7thenIbegin
8toworry:

9supposethehouse
10burnsdown?

11I'mnotworried
12about
13thehouse
14I'mworried
15about
16those5or6
17poems
18burning
19up

20or

21anxgirlfriend
22gettingin
23here
24whileI'maway
25andstealingor
26destroying
27thepoems.

28afterwriting
295or6poems
30Iamfairly
31drunk
32and
33Isit

[Page136]

34havingafew
35more
36drinks
37whiledeciding
38wheretohide
39thepoems.

40sometimesI
41hidethepoems
42while
43thinkingabout
44hiding
45them
46andwhenI
47decideto
48hidethem
49Ican'tfind
50them...

51then
52beginsthe
53search

54andthe
55wholeroomis
56amassof
57papers
58anyhow

59and

60I'mveryclever
61at
62hidingpoems
63perhapsmore
64cleverthanI
65am
66at

[Page137]

67writing
68them.

69so
70then
71Ifindthem
72haveanother
73drink

74hidethem
75again

76forgetit
77then
78go
79tosleep...

80toawakenin
81latemorning
82toremember
83thepoems
84and
85beginthe
86search
87again...

88usuallyonlya
89tenorfifteen
90minute
91periodof
92agony

93tofind
94them
95andread
96them
97andthen
98notlikethem

[Page138]

99verymuch

100butyouknow
101afterall
102that
103work

104allthat
105drinking
106hiding
107searching
108finding

109Idecide
110it'sonly
111fair
112tosend
113them
114out
115asa
116recordof
117mytravail
118which
119ifaccepted
120willappearin
121alittle
122magazine
123circulation
124between
125100and
126750

127ayearand
128onehalf
129later

130maybe.

[Page139]

131it's
132worth
133it.

[Page140]

anoldbuddy

1hewritestotheeditors
2tellingthemthat
3I'mfinished
4andenclosesmasses
5ofhismanuscript
6which
7whenreturned
8goadshiminto
9vitriolic
10response.

11it'spossible,
12ofcourse,
13thatI'm
14finished;
15onegets
16finished
17onewayor
18the
19other.

20Ithinkhe's
21aprettygood
22writer
23butIwish
24he'dgoabout
25submittinghiswork
26withouttrumpeting
27thatI'm
28deadanddone.
29classunderduress
30oftencreatesa
31strangeandluckykind
32ofnobility

33asIusedto
34trytotellhim

[Page141]

35whenIfinally
36gotachanceto
37talk

38aswedrank
39together
40intheold
41days

42when
43wewereboth
44failed
45writers.

[Page142]

takeit

1gotitdownsotightthehingessqueaked.
2threwoutallthreecats
3droveoverthetwobridges
4pickedup$414.00attheharnessraces
5camein
6listenedtoShostakovitch'sFirst
7thenfinally
8cleanedtheringoutofthebathtub
9filledit
10bathedwhiledrinkingabottleof
11chilledwhitewine
12then
13toweledoff
14gotintobed
15legspointedeast
16I
17inhaled
18then
19letitout:
20thepainanddefeat
21oftheworld.
22thenI
23sleptlikeababy
24withbigfatballsand
25silverhair.

[Page143]

JohnDillingermarcheson
1Isometimeswriteaboutthe30'sbecause
2theywereagoodtrainingground.
3peoplelearnedtolivewithadversity
4asacommoneverydaything
5whentroublecame
6theyadjustedandmadethenextmove,
7andiftherewasn'tone
8theyoftencreated
9one.

10andthepeoplewhohadjobs
11didthemwithartistry.
12agaragemechaniccouldfixyour
13car.
14doctorsmadehousecalls.
15cabdriversnotonlyknewevery
16streetintown
17buttheywerealsoversedin
18philosophy.
19pharmacistswouldwalkuptoyou
20indrugstoresandaskyouwhatyou
21needed.
22theushersinmoviehousesweremore
23handsomethanthemovie
24stars.
25peoplemadetheirownclothes,
26repairedtheirownshoes.
27almosteverybodydidthingswell.

28nowpeopleinandoutoftheir
29professionsaretotally
30inept,
31howtheyevenwipetheirownasses
32isbeyondme.
33andwhenadversityarrivestheyare
34dismayed,
35theyquit,
36spititout,

[Page144]

37laydown.
38these,coddledtotheextremes
39areonlyusedtovictoryor
40thesoftway.

41it'snottheirfault,Isuppose,
42thattheydidn'tlive
43throughthe30's
44butI'mstillhardlytemptedto
45adore
46them.

[Page145]

terminology

1myotherfavoritecatseemedtobedyingand
2Ihadhiminandoutofthevet's
3forxrays,consultations,injections,
4operations

5"anythingatall,"Itoldthedoc,
6"let'strytokeephimgoing..."

7onemorningIdroveovertopickhim
8upandthegirlatthecounter
9avastgirlinawraparoundwhite
10nurse'soutfit
11askedme,"doyouwantyourcatput
12tosleep?"

13"what?"Iasked.

14sherepeatedher
15statement.

16"puttosleep?"Iasked,"youmean
17exterminated?"

18"well,yes,"shesaid,smilingwithher
19tinyeyes,thenlookingatthecard
20inherhandshesaid,"oh,Iseeitwas
21Mrs.Evanswhowanteditdone..."

22"really?"Iasked.

23"sorry,"shesaidandwalkedintotheother
24roomwithhercardandhersorryfatassand
25hersorrywalkandhersorrylifeand
26hersorrydeathandhersorryMrs.Evansand
27bothoftheirsorryfatshits.

28Iwalkedover,satdownandopenedupa
29catmagazine,thenclosedit,thinking,it's

[Page146]

30justherjob,it'ssomethingshedoes,shedoesn't
31killthecats.

32whenshecameintotheofficeagainsheno
33longerquitedisgustedmeandIopenedthepages
34ofthecatmagazineagainandlookedatandturned
35thepagesasifIhadforgotteneverything,which
36Ihadn't
37exactly.

[Page147]

thestar

1Iwasdrunkandthey
2gotmeoutofmycar
3putthebraceletson
4andmademelaydown
5ontheroadway
6intherain.

7theystoodintheir
8yellowraincoats
9copsfrom3
10squadcars.

11thewatersoaked
12intomyclothing.
13Ilookedup
14atthemoonthrough
15theraindrops,
16thinking,
17hereIam
1862yearsold
19andbeing
20protected
21frommyself
22again.

23earlierthatnight
24Ihadattendedthe
25opening
26ofamovie
27whichportrayedthe
28lifeofadrunken
29poet:
30me.

31thisthenwas
32mycriticalreview
33oftheir
34effort.

[Page148]

thedaytheepilepticspoke

1theotherday
2I'moutatthetrack
3bettingEarlyBird
4(that'swhenyoubetatthe
5trackbeforeitopens)
6Iamsittingtherehaving
7acoffeeandgoingover
8theForm
9andthisguyslidestoward
10me
11hisbodyistwisted
12hisheadshakes
13hiseyesareoutof
14focus
15thereisspittleuponhis
16lips

17hemanagestogetcloseto
18meandasks,
19"pardonme,sir,butcouldyou
20tellmethenumberof
21LadyofDawninthe
22firstrace?"

23"it'sthe7horse,"
24Itellhim.

25"thankyou,sir,"
26hesays.

27thatnight
28orthenextmorning
29really:
3012:04a.m.
31LosAlamitosQuarterHorse
32Resultsonradio
33KLAC
34themantoldme

[Page149]

35LadyofDawn
36wonthefirstat
37$79.80

38thatwastwoweeks
39ago
40andI'vebeenthere
41everyracingdaysince
42andIhaven'tseenthat
43poorepilepticfellow
44again.

45thegodshavewaysof
46tellingyouthings
47whenyouthinkyouknow
48alot

49orworse

50whenyouthink
51youknow
52justa
53little.

[Page150]

thecondition

1allupanddowntheavenues
2thepeopleareinpain;
3theysleepinpain,theyawaken
4inpain;
5eventhebuildingsareinpain,
6thebridges
7theflowersareinpain
8andthereisnorelease
9painsits
10painfloats
11painwaits
12painis.

13don'taskwhythereare
14drunks
15drugaddicts
16suicides

17themusicisbad
18andthelove
19andthescript:

20thisplacenow
21asItypethis

22orasyoureadthis:
23yourplacenow.

[Page151]

bravo

1summertimedogs
2crushedonfreeways
3asyoungbodiesleapintothe
4sea
5outsiderentedmotelsat
6DelMar
7asthe4thraceunfolds:
8aracefor
92yearolds
10nonwinners
11theytaketheshortturn
12home
13asIstandwith
14weary
15potbelly
16fightingtheeternal
17pattern
18lightanddarkness
19spitting
20fromeverywhere

21thedogswilldiehereand
22inNormandy

23theheartwillbeheldhigh
24likeaflag
25andpottedthroughthemiddle
26likeacooked
27apple

28ifwecanfindaband
29letthemusic
30play.
[Page152]

anotetotheboysinthebackroom:

1Igetmoreandmoremimeochapbooksinthemail
2writtenbyfellowswhousedtoknowme
3inthegoodolddays.

4thesefellowsareallwriters
5andtheywriteaboutme
6andtheyseemtoremember
7whatIsaid
8whatIdid.

9someofitisexaggerated
10someofitishumorous
11andamajorityofitis
12selfserving

13whereItendtolookbador
14ridiculous
15oreveninsane
16theyalwaysdescribethemselves
17ascalmanddependableobservers
18insteadof
19(inmanycases)
20asthenontalented
21boring
22asssucking
23pretentiousand
24timeconsuming
25littlefarts
26thattheywere.

27Ifeelnorancoratwhatthey
28write.
29it'sonlythatI'vealreadydonea
30betterjob
31withthatparticularsubject
32matter

33andIwouldsuggestthatthey

[Page153]

34moveontothenextman
35justasmywomenhave
36done.

[Page154]

sardinesinstripeddresses

1allright,they'replayingBeethovenagain;whenI
was
2sleepingonthatparkbenchinTexastheywere
playing
3Beethoven,whenitrainedlastSundayandthepier
fell
4intothewatertheywereplayingBeethoven;Iwalked
on
5thatpier55yearsagoandnowit'sdowninthe
ocean,
6likeAtlantis
7butthingsbreakandvanish,that'snotnews,gota
8lettertodayfromLouise,shesaysshe'sleavingthe
9FrenchQuarterandmovinginwithhersisterina
small
10town45minutesoutofNewOrleans.
11peoplearegettingtired,peoplearefallingdownand
getting
12backup,andtheyareplayingBeethovenasthebums
stop
13meoutsidethepostoffice:"Goodmorning,sir,have
you
14gotadollar?"

15theoldaerialcircusisfallingfromthesky,dogs
and
16catslookatmeoddly,theKlanappears,vanishes,
Hitler
17snifflesundergroundbetweenpalmtreeroots,this
cheap
18cigarI'msmoking,itsaysCuba,itsaysHavana,
smuggled
19allthiswaytogagmeas
20theyareplayingBeethoven,asBeethovenplays
21WilliamSaroyanisdeadCelineisdeadbutFantewon't

22die
23legschoppedoff,andblindinhisnarrowgravehe
won't
24die:
253yearslayingflatlikethatinthathospital,what
is
26hethinking?

27Iwanttogoquicklikeaseedlessoliveintothe
mouth
28ofafool,asyounggirlskeeparrivingfromDes
29Moineswigglinglikesardinesinstripeddresses,what

30doesitmean,listeningtoBeethovennow?

31andnowit'sover..."HeadforsomePalmSprings
sun,"
32theannouncerbeginsasItunehimoutandgrimaceat
33thiscigar,turntheradiobackup:it's
34Mahler,the10th,rightaftertheBee's5th,somehell

35ofaheavynightasprettymuchalonehere

[Page155]

36IthinkofhowmuchIlikeSomersetMaugham'stitle
TheRazor'sEdge,
37thenIputoutthefuckingcigar,drainsomewine,
38getup,thinking,it'sthe
39sameforeverybody,moreorless,somemore,some
40less,Celine'sdead,Beethoven'squietamoment:
41it'sbeenaworldfullofthebrave
42andIlovethemall
43asoutsidethe
44VincentThomasBridgearcsinthedark
45holding,justnow,theluckofusall.

[Page156]

result

1theroomwassmallbutneatandwhenIvisitedhim
2hewasonthatbedlikeagroundedseal
3anditwasembarrassing,Imean,
4comingacrosswiththeconversation;
5Ireallydidn'tknowhimthatwell
6exceptthroughhiswriting,
7andtheykepthimdrugged
8theykeptoperating,choppingpartsofhim
9away
10butbeingatruewriter
11Fantetalkedabouthisnextnovel.

12blind,andcutaway,againandagain,
13hehadalreadydictatedonenovel
14fromthatbed
15agoodwork,ithadbeenpublished
16andnowhetalkedtomeaboutanother
17butIknewhewouldn'tmakeit
18andthenursesknew
19everybodyknew
20buthejustwentontalkingtome
21abouthisnextnovel.
22hehadanunusualplotidea
23andItoldhimitsounded
24great,
25andafteranothervisitortwo
26hiswifephonedmeoneafternoon
27andtoldmethat
28itwasover...

29it'sallright,John,nobodyhasever
30writtenthatlastone.

31youwerereallytoughonthosenurses,though,
32andthatpleasedme,thewayyoubroughtthem
33runninginthereintheircrinkledwhites,
34youprovedmemorethanright:
35myassertion

[Page157]

36thatyourpowerofcommand
37withsimplelanguagewas
38oneofthemagnificentthingsof
39ourcentury.

[Page158]

suggestionforanarrangement

1itwouldbenicetodieatthetyperinsteadofwith
my
2assstuckintosomehardbedpan.

3Ivisitedawriterfriendinthehospitalwhowas
dying
4inchbyinch
5inthemostterribleway
6possible.
7yetduringeachvisit
8(whenconscious)hecontinuedto
9talktome
10abouthis
11writing(notasanaccomplishmentbut
12asamagicobsession)
13andhedidn'tmindmy
14visitsbecause
15heknewIunderstoodexactlywhathewas
16saying.

17athisfuneral
18Iexpectedhimtorisefromhis
19coffinandsay,"Chinaski,
20itwasagoodrun,well
21worthit."

22heneverknewwhatIlookedlike
23becausebeforeImethim
24hehadbecomeblind
25butheknewI
26understood
27hisslowandterrible
28death.

29Itoldhimonetimethat
30thegodswerepunishinghimbecause
31hewroteso
32well.

33IhopethatIneverwritethat

[Page159]

34well,Iwanttodiewithmyheaddownonthis
35machine
363linesfromthebottomofthe
37page
38burntoutcigaretteinmy
39fingers,radiostill
40playing

41Ijustwanttowrite
42justwellenoughto
43endlike
44that.

[Page160]

themiracleistheshortesttime

1youknow
2itwasverygood
3itwas
4betterthan
5anything

6itwaslike
7something
8wecould
9pickup
10hold
11lookat
12andthenlaugh
13about.

14wewereonthe
15moon
16wewereinthe
17goddamnedmoon,
18wehadit

19wewereinthegarden
20wewereinthe
21endlesspit

22neversuchaplace
23asthat

24itwasdeep
25and
26itwaslight
27and
28itwashigh

29itgotsonear
30toinsanity
31welaughedso
32hard

[Page161]

33yourlaughter
34and
35mine

36Irememberwhen
37youreyes
38saidlove
39loudly
40now
41asthesewalls
42soquietly
43shift.

[Page162]

transformationanddisfiguration

1therewerealwayslittletragedies
2weheardaboutthemonthejob
3sittingonthosestools
4elevenandonehalfhoursanight
5everybitofoutsidenews
6wasgreetedbyus
7muchliketheinmatesofaprisoncamp

8everynowandthen
9acourierwouldcomebyandsay
10"it's3to2,endofthe3rd..."

11heneversaid3to2who
12because
13wewereabletodecipherallthat

14onenightIheardtwofellows
15talking:
16"Ralphcheckedoutearly
17whenhewalkedintohishouse
18itwasdark
19hiswifeandherloverwereinbed
20theythoughthewasaburglar
21theloverhadagun
22andheshotRalph..."

23"where'sLouie?"
24Iaskedonenight
25Ihadn'tseenLouie
26inacoupleofweeks
27Louiehadtwojobs
28whenhesleptIdidn'tknow

29"Louie?
30Louiefellasleepinbed
31smokingacigarette
32themattresscaughtfire
33heburnedtodeath..."

[Page163]

34thereweremanydeaths
35amongthemailclerks

36feelinglikean
37inmateofaprison
38Ialsofeltasifwewere
39frontlinetroops
40undercontinualbombardmentand
41attack

42whenthereweren'tdeaths
43therewerebreakdowns
44peoplewhoafteryearsof
45stickingletters
46justcouldn'tdoitanymore

47orthereweredismissals
48fortheslightestreason

49itwasdeathandtransformation
50anddisfiguration:
51peoplefound
52theycouldn'twalkanymore
53ortheysuddenly
54cameupwithspeechdefects
55ortheywereshakenbytremorsor
56theireyesblinkedor
57theycametoworkdruggedor
58drunkorboth

59itwasterroranddismemberment
60andthesurvivors
61hunchedontheirstoolswondering
62whowouldbenext

63thesupervisorsbrutalizedus
64andthesupervisors
65wereinturnbrutalized

[Page164]

66bytheirsuperiorswho
67wereinturnbrutalized
68bythePostmasterGeneral
69whoalwaysdemanded
70moreforless
71andthepublicbrutalized
72thePostmasterGeneral
73anditwasfinally
74thelittleoldlady
75pruninghergardenroses
76whowasthefirstcause
77ofmiseryforeverybody:
78Democracyatwork

79onenightIasked,
80"where'sHodges?"

81(Idon'tknowwhybut
82Iwasalways
83thelasttoknowanything
84perhapsbecauseIwaswhite
85andmostofthemwereblack)

86therewasnoreply
87aboutHodges
88whowasthemeanestsoup
89andwhite
90totopitall

91andIaskedagain
92andsomebodysaid
93"hewon'tbearound
94forawhile..."

95andthen
96inpiecesandbits
97itwasrevealedtome:
98Hodgeshadbeenknifed

[Page165]

99intheparkinglot
100onthewaytohiscar

101andthen
102itwasinferred
103thateverybodyknew
104whodidit

105"woulditbeanybody
106Iknow?"
107Ismiled

108itgotveryquiet
109BigGeorgeputhismaildown
110staredatme
111hestaredatmealongtime
112thenheturned
113startedstickinghislettersagain

114andIsaid
115"Iwonderwho'swinning
116theoldballgame?"

117"4to2,"
118somebodysaid
119"endofthe4th..."

120Hodgesnevercameback
121andsoon
122Igotoutoftheretoo.

[Page166]

thefamouswriter

1whenIwasamailman
2oneofmyrouteswasspecial:
3afamouswriterlivedinoneofthose
4houses,
5Irecognizedhisnameontheletters,
6hewasafamouswriterbutnotavery
7goodone,
8andIneversawhim
9untilthisonemorningwhenIwas
10hungover
11Iwalkeduptohishouse
12andhewasoutside
13hewasstandinginanoldbathrobe,
14heneededashaveandhelookedill
15about3yearsfromdeath
16buthehadthisgoodlookingwoman
17standingtherewithhim
18shewasmuchyoungerthanhe
19thesunshiningthroughherfullhair
20andherthindress,
21Ihandedhimhismailoverthegateand
22said,"I'vereadyourbooks,"
23buthedidn'tanswer
24hejustlookeddownattheletters
25andIsaid,"I'mawritertoo..."
26hestilldidn'tanswer,
27heturnedandwalkedoff
28andshelookedatme
29withafacethatsaidnothing,
30thenturnedandfollowed
31him.

32Imovedontothenexthouse
33wherehalfwayacrossthelawn
34atoybulldog
35camechargingout
36growling
37withhisputridlittleeyes

[Page167]

38seething
39Icaughthimunderthebellywith
40myleftfoot
41andflunghimupagainsta
42picturewindow
43andthenIfeltmuchbetter
44butnot
45entirely
46so.

[Page168]

darlings

1aworldfullofsuccessfulpeople's
2sons
3onbicycles
4ontheHollywoodRiviera
5at3:11p.m.
6onaTuesdayafternoon.

7thisiswhatsomeofthearmies
8diedtosave
9thisiswhatmanyoftheladies
10desire:
11thesestuffedfractions
12nonbeings
13pedalingalong
14orstoppingtochatwhile
15stillseatedupontheirbikes
16gentlebreezestouching
17undisturbedfaces.

18Iunderstandverylittleofthis
19exceptmaybethearmieskilledthe
20wrongpeople
21buttheyusuallydo:
22theythinktheenemyare
23thosetheyaredirectedagainst
24insteadofthosewho
25directthem:
26thefathersofthe
27darlings.

[Page169]

goodbye

1goodbyeHemingwaygoodbyeCeline(youdiedonthe
sameday)
2goodbyeSaroyangoodbyegoodoldHenryMillergoodbye
Tennessee
3Williamsgoodbyethedeaddogsofthefreeways
goodbyeallthe
4lovethatneverworkedgoodbyeEzrait'salwayssad
it's
5alwayssadwhenpeoplegiveandthenaretakenI
acceptI
6acceptandIwillgiveyoumyautomobileandmy
cigarette
7lighterandmysilverdrinkingchaliceandtheroof
thatkept
8outmostoftheraingoodbyeHemingwaygoodbyeCeline
goodbye
9SaroyangoodbyeoldHenryMillergoodbyeCamus
goodbyeGorky
10goodbyethetightropewalkerfallingfromthewireas
the
11blankfaceslookupthendownthenaway
12beangryatthesun,saidJeffers,goodbyeJeffers,I
canonly
13thinkthatthedeathofgoodpeopleandbadare
equallysad
14goodbyeD.H.Lawrencegoodbyetothefoxinmydreams
and
15tothetelephone
16it'sbeenmoredifficultthanIeverexpected
17goodbyeTwoTonTonygoodbyeFlyingCircus
18youdidenoughgoodbyeTennesseeyoualcoholic
speedfreakfag
19I'mdrinkinganextrabottleofwineforyou
20tonight.
[Page170]

astrangemoment

1asIwaswalkingthroughthisparking
2lot
3Isawacrowdgatheredabouttwomen
4bloodied
5inafistfight
6theywerecursingand
7theywerebreathing
8heavily;
9thenonemancaughtapunchinthe
10mouth
11crashedbackwardsintoa
12yellowMercedes
13bouncedback
14dughisfistintotheotherman's
15gut.

16Ihatedthatcrowd
17theywerewatchinglikespectatorsat
18acockfight.
19Ipushedthrough
20gotbetweenthemen
21caughtafistontheright
22temple.

23"allright,"Isaid,"that's
24enough,it'sover."

25theystoodlookingateach
26other.

27"that'sit,goyour
28ways..."

29oneguyturnedawaybuttheother
30guycharged,

31"yousonofabitch!"

[Page171]

32Icaughthimandheldhim
33back...

34"that'sit,buddy,don'tbe
35anasshole..."

36foramomentitlookedasif
37hewasgoingtoswingon
38me
39thenheputhishands
40downandwalkedawaythrough
41thecrowd.
42Iwalkedtomycar
43gotin
44startedit
45thinking,nowwhatdid
46youdothatfor?
47thatwasnoneofyour
48business

49butIwassmiling

50Ihadalteredabitof
51ugliness
52intosomething
53else
54eventhough
55suchanact
56wasagainst
57whatevervague
58philosophy
59Ihad
60personalor
61otherwise...

62andpullingoutofthe
63parkinglot
64andintotraffic
65itwascrowded

[Page172]

66andpreparingtomakea
67lanechange
68Ireachedforthe
69blinkerlever
70touchedthewrong
71one
72andmywindshieldwipers
73beganlashing
74about
75andthenI
76laughed:backto
77normal:itsurefelt
78more
79real.

[Page173]

beautiful

1onepoetusedtotake
2thisstringyhairedblondearound
3withhimtopoetryreadings
4and
5she'dsitoutintheaudience
6andnowandthen
7justasheconcludeda
8poem
9theblondewould
10breathlesslysay:
11"beautiful..."

12itmadehimlookgood
13andIwasalittlejealous
14ofit
15myself:
16nobodyhadeversaidthat
17about
18oneofmypoems

19andeachtime
20aftershesaid,
21"beautiful..."
22itmadethem
23applaud.

24hehadherplantedat
25allhisreadings
26thispoetwhowassogood
27withtheladies
28hehada
29gentlesmileand
30theseartistic
31dangling
32hands
33andhedangled
34verywell
35elsewhere

[Page174]

36itwas
37told.

38Iattendedthesereadings
39becauseIwaslivingwitha
40sexpotwhoinsistedupon
41goingtothem
42andsinceouraffairwas
43stillfreshand
44new
45Imadecertainhorrible
46sacrifices

47andhewasreading
48everywhere
49ineverylittlepitiful
50handout
51poetryholeinL.A.
52andnearby
53parts.

54thisonenight
55hehadanewgirlplanted
56intheaudience
57atintedredhead
58wearingfisherman'sboots
59andacowboyhat
60withatwoandonehalffoot
61redfeather
62butshewasasgoodasthe
63other:
64atcertaintimes
65aftercertainpoems
66shetoowouldutterthe
67word:
68"beautiful!"

69andtheapplausewould

[Page175]

70follow...

71anhourlaterhewasstill
72tirelesslygoing
73on,andthenhefinished
74one
75andhisnewplantsaidit
76again:
77"beautiful..."

78andthenitcame
79fromtherear
80fromoneoftheback
81seats:
82"No,itwasn't,itwasa
83pieceofshit!"

84itwasthestringyblonde
85standingupon
86oneoftheseats
87holdingherpapercup
88fullof
89Thunderbird

90andthentheapplausecame
91itcameandit
92roseandit
93rumbled
94itwasperfectandendearing
95andunashamed

96hehadneverheardapplause
97like
98that...

[Image]

99andafterthatnight

[Page176]

100maybeaweeklater
101Iwasalone
102sittingupagainstthe
103headboardofthebed
104thesexpotwasout
105toareadingor
106somewhere
107andIwasintoanother
108beer
109goingthroughoneof
110those
111throwawaytabloids
112whenIcameacrossthis
113shortnotice
114thatacertainpoet
115hadleftfor
116NewYorkCity
117toseekhisfameand
118fortune
119there.

120abeautifulcityfora
121beautifulguy,Ithought,
122bundlingthetabloid
123anddumpinga3pointerinto
124thefaroff
125basket...

[Page177]

frozenfoodsection

1he'dbeenfightingitforyears:
2thatthingabout
3womeninthesupermarketsbending
4over
5orjust
6pushingtheircartsalong
7hefeltlikegrabbinga
8buttock
9andsqueezing
10hardlyasexual
11thing,
12morelikeaweirdjoke,
13justsomethingelsetodo
14besidestheordinary,
15moreincamaraderiethan
16desire;
17hedidn'tknowwhyhismindworked
18thatway
19andherealizedthat
20oneofthenicetiesof
21civilization
22wastherightto
23unmolestedprivacy,
24buttherehewas
25rollingalong
26andhepassedalady
27bendingoverinthe
28frozenfoodsection
29(shewasn'tattractive:
30hercheekssaggedbeneatha
31loosehousedress)
32andhesawhishand
33goout
34thereitgoes,he
35thought
36andthehand
37grabbed
38oneofthebuttocks

[Page178]

39andsqueezed,
40then
41letgo...
42ithadfeltlike
43anoldbeachball
44underinflated
45soft,
46andhelookedback
47andsmiled,
48andthelady
49screamed
50itwasthescream
51ofonebeingmurdered
52thenafterthetickofa
53second
54shestoppedandyelled:
55"Thatsonofabitch
56assaultedme!"
57(shepointedthedeathly
58fingerattachedtotheendofhertrembling
59rightarmathim)
60"Hegrabbedmyass!"

61hesawafatmanina
62yellowsweaterandorange
63walkingshorts
64running
65towardhim...
66thefatman'sface
67wasfloridwith
68indignation.
69thefatmancircled
70him
71gotanarmlockon
72him
73frombehind
74jammedhisshoulderup
75intohisneck

[Page179]

76yelling,
77"What'sthematter
78withyou,buddy?"
79thefatmanhadthemost
80terriblecaseofbody
81odor,
82itwasworsethanthe
83paininhis
84arm,
85thenoutofnowhere
86acoparrived
87andheheardthehandcuffs
88click
89behindhim
90thenfeltthevicious
91gripofthe
92cuffs
93andarap
94behindhisear.

95hewasdraggedthroughthe
96supermarket
97andthenoutside.
98itwasearlyeveninggoinginto
99night
100andhewasshovedinto
101thebackseatof
102thepolicecar.

103thefacesofthecrowd
104lookedin
105athim
106asthecopinfront
107spokeintothe
108radio
109theredlights
110whirled
111andheremembered

[Page180]

112thelastthing
113Meghadsaid:
114"don'tforgetthe
115paprika,Iknow
116you'regoingto
117forgetthe
118paprika..."

[Page181]

howdotheygetyournumber?

1thedogsofhellhaveclawslikecats
2andfaceslikewomen
3andthedoorsofhellhavenumberson
4them
5upsidedown
6andtogetthroughthem
7youhavetowalkwithyourhands
8usingyourlegslikegiant
9antennae:
10inhelltheygivetheanswers
11first
12andaskthequestions
13later;
14inhellyou'realwaysinlove
15withnothingtolove,
16andsomethinghatesyou
17forallthewrongreasons;
18thecatsofhellareall
19bunghole
20sodry
21theywanttowinkbut
22can't
23yourfatherruleshellandyourmother
24lickshistoes;
25inthishell,it'snevernight
26it'salwaysmorning
27you'realwaysgettinguptothe
28soundofstinkingalarms,
29it'smorning
30moreandmore
31leprouslightlike
32theworstofyourmemories;
33inthishell,therearenoflames
34justthismoment
35danglingintestinesnailedto
36mutilatedpalms
37andthephoneringsand

[Page182]

38youpickitup
39andsomebodyspeaksthroughthe
40instrument
41at8:35a.m.
42"areyouthepoet,
43Chinaski?
44weallloveyouhereandwe
45wantyoutoreadatour
46bookstore...
47allthebeeryoucandrink,and
48whoknows?youoldfuck,maybe
49wecanevenfindapieceofass
50foryousomewhere!ha,ha,ha..."

[Page183]

theoldgang

1ofcourse,wewereallfuckedup,Iwassuicidalbut
hittingthe
2shitoutofthetyper,
3couldn'tpickanythingupoffthefloor:shirts,
bottles,shorts,
4towels,socks,cans,
5Iwalkedaboutnakedandbarefoot
6steppingontoshardsofglass
7sometimesfeelingit
8sometimesnot.
9attimesItriedtopicksomeofit
10out
11butIdidn'twanttogetitall
12becauseI'dreadsomewherethattheglasscouldwork
itsway
13throughthebloodstreamtothe
14heartandkill
15you,yes...

16therewasagirlinandout,
17asemigirlfriendcalledK.
18shecamealongmostly
19butsometimeswithathinmadlady
20calledSunflower,
21andsometimesK.arrivedwithher
22brotherN.,
23orsometimesall3arrivedat
24once.
25anyhow,K.andN.andSunflowerwere
26allondrugs:
27blacks,reds,yellows,whites,
28coke.
29Ihadacokedealerwhocutitso
30fine
31yougotaheadachejustlookingat
32aline.
33Iwasalsoonscotch,beer,wine
34hittingtheshitoutofthetyper
35withK.andN.andSunflower
36bangingonmydoor
37usuallyat4or5a.m.

[Page184]

38whenIwasup
39anyhow.
40theyweremorelikesharksfromhell
41thanfriends
42butK.hadafinebodyandverylongred
43hair
44andshelaiditonme
45justoftenenoughtokeepmeonher
46leash.

47meanwhile
48Ikepthittingtheshitoutofthetyper
49andsomeluckstarted
50moneywise
51whichenabledmetoescapethat
52neighborhood
53andmovetoasmalltowndownthe
54coast
55whereIcontinuedtohittheshitoutof
56thetyper,
57evengoingbackoncetoseeK.
58whowasdryingoutinhermother's
59home
60andasshesatontheedgeofher
61bed
62Itoldher,
63"it'soverbetweenus,Idon'tknowhow
64yougotthatgrabonme..."

65whatagangtheyhadbeen,
66drivingtheircarswithoutpink
67slips,licenseplates,driver's
68licenses,justrippingandroaring,waiting
69forthenextdrug
70hit.

71lastIheard,theywereclean,
72Sunflowerhad
73vanished,

[Page185]

74butK.andherbrotherN.
75surfacedinarecentissueofanational
76magazine
77sober
78speakingasreliablesources
79aboutmylife
80literaryand
81otherwise.
82notthattheywereunkind,just
83inaccurate.
84it'swellthattheydidn't
85o.d.
86butIhopeit'stheirlast
87hurrah
88regardingme,
89andI'llneveragainquite
90believe
91whatotherpeoplesay
92about
93writers.

[Page186]

eulogytoahellofadame

1somedogswhosleepatnight
2mustdreamofbones
3andIrememberyourbones
4inflesh
5andbest
6inthatdarkgreendress
7andthosehighheeledbright
8blackshoes,
9youalwayscursedwhenyou
10drank,
11yourhaircomingdownyou
12wantedtoexplodeoutof
13whatwasholdingyou:
14rottenmemoriesofa
15rotten
16past,and
17youfinallygot
18out
19bydying,
20leavingmewiththe
21rotten
22present;
23you'vebeendead
2428years
25yetIrememberyou
26betterthananyof
27therest;
28youweretheonlyone
29whounderstood
30thefutilityofthe
31arrangementof
32life;
33alltheotherswereonly
34displeasedwith
35trivialsegments,
36carped
37nonsensicallyabout

[Page187]

38nonsense;
39Jane,youwere
40killedby
41knowingtoomuch.
42here'sadrink
43toyourbones
44that
45thisdog
46still
47dreamsabout.

[Page188]

skysign

1thefalconshavecometothecity
2andareswoopingdown
3carryingoffthepigeons.
4thedogsandcats
5lookbackand
6runforcover
7asamovingshadowfalls
8betweenthem
9andthesun.

10Itooamworried
11standbeneathapalmleaf
12andlightacigarette.

13Iwatchthefalconglide
14gracefully
15abovethetelephonewires,
16itisabeautiful
17thing
18thatfalcon
19fromthisdistance,
20and,ofcourse,
21itmakesmethink
22ofdeath
23anddeathisperfectly
24proper
25yetIthrowmycigarette
26down
27stampitout,
28lookupatthebird:
29"yousonofabitch..."

30Iturn
31walkthroughthedoorway
32andintothehouse
33asthetelephone
34rings.

[Page189]

avalentinegift

1Isitlookingdumblyatthisstuffedreddevilonmy
desk.Iamin
2afix.it
3getslikethis
4sometimes:themagiciselsewhere.

5itwaswitholdmanShoemakerattheraces
6today:herodethefirstfourwinners:
73/5,2toone,6toone,8toone.

8youknow,sometimesIrunoutofthemoneyall
9night:thepoemsrearupinthegate,break
10theirlegs,runthewrongway,neverfinish

11butit'sthefaultofthejock:he'sgothis
12assonbackwards,hismindisupinthepalm
13trees.

14maybemyproblemisthatIhad5winnersat
15thetracktoday.maybethat'sallIthink
16Ineed.

17Iknewaguyoncewhowroteandhetoo
18oftenwenttothetrack.healwayshad
19thesamestoryforme:"Iwentbust!I
20evenblewthebusmoneyhome!JesusChrist,
21Ihadtowalkfivemiles!"

22thenhe'dgettohisroomandwriteand
23he'dgobust
24alloveragain.

25well,Ithinktheideaofthetrackorthe
26roulettewheelorwhateverelseisaroundis
27sothatwedon'thavetositaroundallday
28thinking,Iamawriter.

29andtheideaofsittingdowntothetyper
30isthesame,youdon'twanttositthere

[Page190]

31thinking,Iamawriter...

32thestuffedreddevillooksatmeandit
33lookslikeme:fatnose,sliteyes,surly
34grin

35assomeguyontheradioplaysbadpiano
36musicalloverus
37thesonofabitchlooksdrunkas
38hisforkedtailrestsupona
39pieceof
40blanktypingpaper.

[Page191]

asweatydayinAugust

1wewerestarving
2yetdrinking
3livinginacheap
4apartment
5alwaysbehind
6intherent
7therewasn't
8muchelseto
9do
10butscrew

11andIwas
12workingaway
13pumping
14pumping
15determinedto
16makeit

17Ihadfailed
18at
19everything
20else

21Iwantedto
22makeit
23atthat

24Igroaned
25pumped
26flailed

275minutes
28tenminutes

29sonear
30sonear

31itwasso

[Page192]

32ridiculous
33inacertain
34sense

35and
36finally
37Ifeltmyself
38nearinga
39climax

40victory
41atlast

42and
43attheexactmoment
44Iclimaxed

45fornoreason
46thealarmclock
47wentoff

48andIrolled
49offofher
50laughingand
51spurting

52andsheasked
53angrily,"what's
54thematter
55withyou?"

56andthatmade
57it
58worse

59Ikeptlaughing
60andsheran
61tothebathroom

[Page193]

62slammedthe
63door

64andI
65wipedoff
66onthesheet

67astheclock
68satthere
69innocently
70reading:
712:30p.m.

[Page194]

machoman

1thephonerings.
2Ianswer.
3it'sawoman.
4shesays,
5"youareasick
6fuckerandIthought
7I'dtellyou
8that..."

9shehangsup.

10Iamsupposedly
11unlisted.

12itrings
13again.

14"youwrotethis
15machobullshit
16butyou're
17probablya
18fag,you
19probablywantto
20suck
21blackdick!"

22shehangs
23up.

24Iamwatching
25theJohnnyCarson
26Show.
27heamuses
28me,
29he'sso
30straightbacked
31dressedinhis
32highschool

[Page195]

33gotodance
34suit.
35hetouches
36hisnose
37hisnecktie
38thebackof
39hisneck.
40he'sadead
41giveaway:
42hewants
43desperately
44tobeallright
45justlikehis
46audience.

47itringsagain.

48"youdon'tknow
49whatareal
50womanis!
51ifyouevermet
52arealwoman
53youwouldn'tknow
54whattodo
55withher!"

56shehangs
57up.

58Carsonjokesabout
59hisjokesbeing
60sobad
61buthehasprobably
62consumedand
63murdered
64morewritersthan
65BobbyHope.

[Page196]

66thenshe's
67back:
68"whydoyoukeeplisteningto
69me?
70whydon'tyou
71hangup?"

72Ihangup
73thentake
74thephone
75offthe
76hook.

77Carsonhas
78finishedhis
79monologue.
80smiles.
81isdelicately
82concerned
83yet
84pleased.
85hegoesinto
86hislittlegolf
87swing
88asthecommercial
89descends
90upon
91me.

92it'sjustanother
93dullnight
94inSanPedro
95asallmy
96maleservants
97KitchaKubee
98DesManDeAblo
99LaTabala
100and

[Page197]

101SwineHerdSam
102stand
103withtheir
104blackdicks
105extended.

106Idecidetohave
107myunlisted
108number
109changed
110butmeanwhile
111remotecontrol
112thetv
113off,
114wavethe
115fellows
116away
117andreachfor
118thepagesof
119SamBeckett
120asmy
121crosseyedwhite
122cat
123leapsuponthe
124bedcovers.

[Page198]

noteuponthelovelettersofBeethoven:

1think:ifLudwigwerealivetoday
2toolingalonginhisredsports
3car
4roofdown
5he'dpickupallthesemad
6hardcasesontheboulevards
7we'dgetmusiclikewe
8neverheardbefore
9andhe'dstillnever
10everfindhis
11Beloved.

[Page199]
howIgotstarted

1ithastakenmedecadestorealize
2whyIwasusuallychosenoverthe
36or7candidatesforthose
4paltryshippingclerkjobs
5inthosesmallbusinesshouses
6acrossthenation.
7first,Iwasbig
8whichmeantIcouldliftheavy
9objects.
10second,Iwasugly
11whichmeantIwasnothreatto
12thesecretaries.
13third,Ilookeddumb
14whichmeantIwastoostupid
15tosteal.

16ifIhadbeenrunningabusiness
17andaguylikemehadcometoapply
18forajob
19Iwouldhavehiredhim
20rightaway.

21whichisrather
22thewayIendedupanyhow
23inanotherkindof
24business.

[Page200]

Krutz

1IwasinMannheimwhenmyagentphonedme
2atthehotel,hesaidKrutzwantedtohave
3dinnerwiththewholegang,andItold
4myagent,o.k.
5IthoughtthatwasveryniceofKrutz
6becauseitwasalargegangmyagent,my
7girlfriend,aFrenchmovieproducerandhis
8girlfriend,andalso
93or4otherpeoplewhowerehangingon,
10maybemorethan3or4.

11thenexteveningfoundusatthemost
12expensiverestaurantintown,atalarge
13reservedtablewithaheadwaiterand2or
143additionalwaiters.

15Krutzhadhisgirlfriendwithhimandwe
16haddrinksandappetizers,thensome
17bodyremarkedhowyoungKrutzwastobe
18aleadingpublisherinGermany.
19Krutzjustsmiledaroundhis
20cigar.

21Krutzpublishedme.
22Ismiledaroundmy
23cigarette.

24myagentwastherewithhiswife;Idon't
25knowhowmanywereatthetable,perhaps
2612,andIthoughtwhatagoodguy
27Krutzwas,notonlyforpublishingme
28butalsoforwininganddiningallthese
29people.

30everybodyordered,drank,andwaited;
31thefoodwasslowtoarriveandthe
32bottlesofwineemptiedandmorearrivedvia
33thosegentlysmilingwaiters,andwe

[Page201]

34alllaughedandtalkedandsmokedand
35drank,
36andthenthefoodarrivedsuchmagic:
37frogslegs,crablegs,steakssotenderyou
38couldcutthemwithyourfork;andlobsters,
39allmannerofstrangefoodstuffsonions,
40greens,creamsandgravies,olives,pickles,
41delightfulunknownspecialties;
42andhotbreadsosoftthebutterranthrough;
43itwasroyalfood,foodbeyondourken,
44andweateanddrank,andfinallyfinished,
45andthenwedranksomemore,
46theyranoutofourfavorite
47wineandweorderedanewone,andthen
48itbegantogetlate,quitelate,andthewaiters
49wereslowerandslowerbringingthebottlesand
50theywerenolongersmiling,andsoonwestopped
51laughingandjusttalked,andthenthe
52bottlesstoppedarriving;
53theheadwaiterwalkedupandplacedthe
54billinthecenterofthetableonalargesilver
55platter
56anditjustsatthere
57asthewaitersstoodandwaitedas
58wewaited.

59thebillwasnearKrutzandweallwatched
60Krutzbuthedidn'treach
61exceptintohiscoatwhereheex
62tractedalargeandexpensivecigar...
63hetookthecigarandleisurelybeganlicking
64it,turningandlickingit,then
65hecamewiththelighter,stuckthecigar
66intohismouth,litit,inhaledcontentedly,
67exhalingaslowandbeautifulstreamofgentleblue
68aromaticsmoke...

69thenhewaited.

[Page202]
70themessagewasobvious
71toalmosteverybody.

72Ilookedatmyagent,buthewasimmunetothe
73tragedy,hewassmilingandtalkingto
74somebody.

75Ididn'thavethemoney
76andIlookedaroundthetable:
77itwasanunbelievablesceneasmygirlfriendpoked
78herelbowintomysidewhispering,"whatthehell's
79goingon?"

80Krutzleanedfurtherbackinhischair,sucked,
81blewoutanotherlangorousstreamofbluesmoke.
82then,suddenly,thewaiterscameforward,removed
83alltheplates,allthebottles,andallthatwas
84leftwereouremptywineglassesandourashtrays.
85weallsatthereandthewaiterswaitedandthe
86headwaiterwaitedandtherewasnomorelaughing,
87nomoretalking(well,myagentwasstillbusy
88talkingandsmilingawayatsomebody).
89itwasagony,itwasdirtydirtyagonywhile
90Krutzsmoked...

91finally,theFrenchdirectorsavedusall,hewaved
92hiscreditcardandtheheadwaitermovedinforthe
93kill...

[Image]

94wewereabletoleavethenandwemetlater
95outsideneartheautomobileswhereKrutzlitafresh
96cigarandhisgirlfriendgavemeabagofapples
97fromtheirgarden
98whichI
99thankedthemfor...

[Page203]

[Image]

100backatthehotel
101mygirlfriendandIeach
102ateanapple
103andshesaid,
104"thesearegreatapples,theseGermanapples..."
105andIsaid,
106"yes,theyare."

107andwhenshewenttothebathroom
108Itookmydrinkandthebagofapplesand
109Iwentoutonthebalcony...
110wewereonthetopfloor
111andIhurledtheapples
112onebyone
113intothenight
114intothestreet
115andtowardthepark
116andgrabbingthelastapple
117Ireallyzoomedit
118almostgoingovertheside
119myself
120but,ofcourse,Ididn't
121andIturnedandwalkedback
122inthere
123feelingbetter
124butnot
125much.

[Page204]

nottoworry

1hesitsthere
2biginhischair
3contented
4andhetellsmehe
5walkedoutona
6wifeandtwokids
7changedhisname
8startedallover
9again.

10hisnewwoman
11bringsus
12freshbottlesof
13beer.

14she'spregnant.
15they'vealready
16namedthe
17baby:

18Nero.

[Page205]

dearpaandma

1myfatherlikedEdgarAllan
2Poe
3andmymotherlikedThe
4SaturdayEveningPost
5andshediedfirst
6thepriestwavingsmoking
7incenseaboveher
8casket
9andmyfatherfollowed
10ayearorsolater
11andinthatpurplevelvetcoffin
12hisfacelookedlikeice
13paintedyellow

14myfatherneverliked
15whatIwrote:"people
16don'twanttoreadthis
17sortofthing."

18"yes,Henry,"saidmy
19mother,"peopleliketo
20readthingsthatmake
21themhappy."

22theyweremyearliest
23literarycritics
24and
25theybothwere
26right.

[Page206]

notallthatbad

1wassittinghere,drinkingaglassof
2wine
3thephonerang,Ileftthedrink
4toanswerintheother
5room.
6camebackinafewminutes
7satdown
8pickeduptheglass
9feltsomethingmovinginmy
10mouth,
11JesusChrist!
12Ispititoutintothe
13ashtray:
14afly
15wigglingthere...
16Ipickedupthewineglass,
17walkedintothebathroom
18dumpedthecontents,
19thentheglassslippedoutof
20myhand
21andrattledinthewashbasin.
22Irinsedoutmymouth,theglass,
23thenwalkedbackin
24pouredanewdrink.
25theflywasstillwiggling...
26therewewere,
27awinoflyandawinoman
28at1:30a.m.
29andnowthere'sanotherfly
30whirlingandbuzzing
31aboveme
32nodoubtwantingtojoin
33theparty.
34well,itcouldbeworse:
35Icouldbedrinkingwith
36thingsthatcan't
37fly
38eitherwiththeirbodies

[Page207]
39oranyother
40way.
41andyoucan't
42spitthem
43out.

[Page208]

dogs

1someplaceinArizona
2atthedog
3races.

4thedogswere
5great
6andtheboys
7ledthemout
8onthetrack
9juniorhighschoolboys
10inorangejackets
11whoshouldhavebeenhome
12studying
13contemporaryhistoryor
14biology.

15thenightwas
16calm
17thetrackloopedinfront
18ofthosejagged
19mountains
20thatstoodabovethose
21lizardandsnakecrawled
22sands,
23thetrackwasmy
24ElDoradoandthecrowdwas
25small
26andIcameupwith
2775%winners
28nonetheactual
29betting
30favorite.

31andasshedrovemeback
32shewassilent.
33sheknewIhadn'tbeenthinking
34ofher
35althoughIhadoncelovedher

[Page209]

36verymuch,andIfeltsad
37forher,
38shewasverystraightatthe
39wheel
40herhairfallingintoher
41face,
42shesaid,"nowIguessyouwant
43togetdrunk?"

44"ofcourse,"
45Isaid.

46shewasalwayspissedandthat
47pissedhermoreandshehitthethrottle
48andthespeedometeronherdashonlywentto
4985
50andtheneedlewentpastthat
51andmywindowwasopenandthe
52airrushedin
53andthemountainsspedby
54andcarsleapedasideasshe
55approached
56butajackrabbitdidn'tmake
57it
58onethedogshadfailed
59tocatch
60andthedeadcarcasswas
61thrownagainstthe
62windshield,
63therewasasplashof
64bloodandthenthecarcasswas
65gone,andIthought,fuckit,death
66Iaccept
67you.

68butitdidn'thappen,we
69skiddedtoastop
70infrontofhercourt

[Page210]

71andwegotout
72andwentinside
73wherehersisterwas
74waiting,
75andwesattherefor
76severalhours
77talking
78laughing
79drinkingtea
80(forthem)
81winefor
82me
83talkingand
84laughing
85asifeverythingwas
86allright
87insteadofmutilated
88andmurdered
89forever.

[Page211]

hey,Ezra,listentothis
1IthinkIlearnedmuchaboutwritingwhen
2IreadthoseissuesofTheKenyonReview
3over40yearsago
4thelightofthestarvinglibraryroom
5fallingacrossmystarvinghands
6holdingfatpagesfullof
7deliberateglorious
8rancor

9thosecritics

10thosespoiledfatgnats
11bellicose

12veryfineenergy
13morefulfillingthanmy
14parkbench

15Ilearnedthatwordscould
16beatthehelloutof
17anything

18theywere
19betterthanpaint
20betterthanmusic
21betterthanclay
22stone
23ortheir
24counterparts

25yet
26wasn'titstrange
27thatallIwantedtodothenwas
28lifttheskirtofthelibrarianand
29lookatherlegsand
30grabherpanties?

31Ididn'tdoit.

[Page212]

32literaryfamecanbetheconsequence
33ofknowing
34whentogowild
35andhow.

[Page213]

truce

1Ineedtowalkdownasidewalk
2somewhere
3onashadyafternoon
4findatable
5outsideacafe
6sitdown
7orderadrink
8andIwanttositthere
9withthatdrink
10andIwant
11aflytoland
12onthattable.
13then
14inthebackground
15Iwanttohearsomebody
16laugh.
17then
18Iwanttosee
19awomanwalkby
20inagreendress.
21Iwanttosee
22adogwalkby
23afatdog
24withshortbrownhairand
25withgrinningeyes.
26Iwanttodie
27sittingthere.
28Iwanttodie
29upright
30myeyesstill
31open.
32Iwantanairplane
33toflyoverhead.
34Iwantawoman
35towalkby
36inabluedress.
37thenIwant
38thatsamefatdog

[Page214]

39withshortbrownhairand
40grinningeyes
41tocomewalkingby
42again.
43thatwillbe
44enough
45afterallthe
46other
47aftereverything
48else.

[Page215]

thegentlemanandthebastard

1theL.A.Ramsinthosedayshad
2whatsomecallcolor
3eachgameseemedtogodownto
4thelastsecond
5alwaysbeforecrowdsof
6100,000inthegoodtimesof
7thefifties.

8itseemedthattheteam
9whohadtheball
10last
11wonthegame.

12theRamshadtwogreat
13ends:TomFearsand
14CrazyLegsHirsch
15andtwo
16hugegrindingfullbacks:
17TankYoungerand
18DeaconDanTowler

19andtwo
20quarterbacks:
21BobWaterfieldand
22NormVanBrocklin.

23Waterfield
24beingfromU.C.L.A.
25wasthestarter
26gotthegood
27press

28hewas
29talentedanda
30gentleman

31buthis
32backup

[Page216]

33Dutch
34VanBrocklin
35wasanasty
36backwoodss.o.b.
37withoutagoodword
38for
39anybody

40butafterWaterfield
41gottheteam
42inthe
43hole

44herewouldcome
45Dutch
46halfwaythroughthe
47thirdquarter
48ormoreoften
49atthebeginning
50ofthe
51fourth

52freshand
53mean

54points
55behind
56goingforbroke
57throwing
58forbroke

59thosehigh
60towering
61passes,perfectly
62leadinghis
63swiftends
64timeafter
65time

[Page217]

66alwaysfighting
67theclock

68andthen
69withtheotherteam
70droppingback
71forthe
72pass

73herewouldcome
74Youngeror
75Towler
76straightupthe
77middle
78breakingthrough
79tacklersasif
80theywerecotton
81wood
82branches.

83Dutchpulledout
84manyagame
85andifhedidn't
86winit
87hecameso
88close
89youcouldcry
90withfury
91atthatlast
92perfectpass
93droppedasthe
94gun
95wentoff.

96Waterfieldvs.
97VanBrocklin
98theycalleditThe
99GreatQuarterback

[Page218]

100Debate.
101hepresssided
102withWaterfield
103butthefactsand
104thedramasided
105with
106Dutch

107alwaysworking
108againstthe
109clock
110cursinghis
111linemeninthe
112huddle
113formissed
114blocks
115cursinghis
116endsfornot
117gettingdown
118fieldfast
119enough

120hewasthe
121guyfrom
122outof
123town
124tryingto
125cleanupthe
126mess

127hewantedto
128getit
129done
130somehow

131nomatter
132whatthe

[Page219]

133hell

134andhe
135usually
136did.

137earlythis
138year
139longbeforehis
140time
141Waterfield
142died

143andstill
144playing
145backup
146Dutchdied
14790days
148later.
149Waterfieldwas
150averyfine
151player
152buttherewasnever
153anyGreatQuarterback
154Debate
155forme.

156myheartwent
157out
158toDutch

159andIhaven't
160been
161toanyRam
162games
163since.

[Page220]

badaction

1Igotaseatdownfrontandstarted
2workingonmyfigures
3andamaninaredshirtandred
4pants
5satdowntwoseatsaway
6openedabrownpaperbag
7andbeganchewingonasandwichand
8potatochips.
9Igotup,movedseveralseats
10away,
11thenIheardaman'svoicebehind
12me:
13"let'ssee,therearesevenofus,
14aren'tthere?"
15andtherewere:womenandmenand
16children.

17Iwalkeddownstairstothecrapper,
18foundabooth,closedthedoor,
19satdownandbeganworkingonmy
20figuresagain.

21therewasarapfromthestallto
22myleft:
23"heybuddy....hey,buddy!"

24"yeah?"Ianswered.

25"getdownonyourknees,slipyour
26cockunderthepartitionandI'll
27giveyouthebestblowjobyou
28everhad!"

29Igotoutoftherefast,wentback
30upstairs,foundaseat,satdown
31andthenIfeltsomethingundermy
32rightfoot:adeadwren.
33anotherreminderofdeath.

[Page221]

34thepublicaddresssystem
35cameon:
36"LadiesandGentlemen,theFlagof
37theUnitedStatesofAmerica!"

38weallstoodup.
39theflagwentup.
40weallsatdown.

41sometimesbeingattheracetrack
42isworsethanbeinginthe
43countyjail.

[Page222]

fallout

1theyareclosingtheautoplants
2outhereinCalifornia
3butamajorcompanyispromising
4employmenttolaidoffworkers
5whowilltransfertoanOklahoma
6plant
7travelexpenses
8paid.

9sonow
10manyofthefamiliesare
11makingthetrek
12inlongcaravansofcars
13fullofchildrenand
14possessions

15justasinthe30's
16theireldershadcomehere
17fromOklahoma
18inthesameway

19nowthey'regoingback
20toOklahoma
21withCaliforniaaccents

22Grandchildrenofthe
23DustBowl

24becauseJapanesecarsare
25smaller,cheaper,
26better

27it'slikealittlebitof
28Hiroshima
29inreturn
30oraJapanesehorror
31movie

[Page223]

32withanallAmerican
33cast.

[Page224]

myfriend

1Ilovedbarroomfights.
2Ifoughtthebiggestmeanestmen
3Icouldfind.
4thepatronsthoughtIwas
5brave.

6butitwassomethingelse,something
7thatwalkedandsleptandsatwith
8me.itatewithmewhenIate,
9itdrankwithmewhenIdrank.
10Isawiteverywhere:inloaves
11ofbread,onthebackofamouse
12runningupthewall,Isawitthrough
13tornwindowshades,Isawit
14inthebodiesofbeautifulwomen;
15IneversawitinthesunbutIsawit
16intherainandInoteditinin
17sects;andIsawitridinginbuses
18andtrolleycars;
19IsawitinthedresserdrawerwhenI
20pulleditopen,
21Isawitinthefacesof
22bosseswiththeirdumbwetlipsand
23littleriveteyes:blue,brown,
24green;
25Ihearditintheclickoftimeclocks,
26sawitspreadlikepowderacrossthe
27facesofmylandladies;
28Isawitonbar
29stairways
30leadingtothe2nd
31floorofsomeroominghousein
32Houston,inNewOrleans,inSt.Louis,
33inL.A.,inFrisco;
34andIsawitinthedoorknobsandIsaw
35itintherooms,sittingonthe
36beds
37waitingnicely...

[Page225]

38andinsomebar
39afterhoursofdrinking
40somebodysays,"hey,Hank,you
41evertriedBigEddie?"
42BigEddiegrins,Iseeitinhis
43teeth,Ifinishmybeer,
44nodathim,getup,walkto
45therearentrance,BigEddieand
46thecrowdfollowing,andoutside
47Iseeitinthemoonandthe
48bricks
49asthepatronslaytheirbets
50Iamtheunderdog,andasBig
51EddiechargesIseeitinhis
52feetandonthebuttonsof
53hisshirtandIhearahorn
54soundsomewherefaroff,and
55it'sasdecentathingasaman
56canknow.

[Page226]

apatriotoflife

1theoldguy
2nextdoor
3he's
483

5oldCharlie

6herunsthe
7Americanflag
8fromtheroof
9ofhis
10garage

11hiswife
12screamsand
13nagsat
14him

15so
16hehas
17hisown
18littleplace

19ashack
20hebuilt
21nextto
22thegarage

23CAPTAIN'S
24QUARTERS
25hehas
26painted
27acrossthe
28door...

29Igoover
30tosee
31oldCharlie
[Page227]

32I'min
33troubleof
34sorts
35andI
36findhim
37inhis
38CAPTAIN'S
39QUARTERS

40he'snearly
41totally
42deaf

43Ihaveto
44scream
45sohecan
46hear:

47"Hey,yougot
48acrowbar
49Ican
50use?"

51"try
52mywife,"
53hesays.

54Iyell
55again:

56"Ineeda
57crowbar!"

58"oh,"he
59smiles,
60"Ithought
61yousaid
62'acrow'."

[Page228]

63Ithank
64him
65tellhim
66that'snot
67what
68Iwant

69andleave
70him
71there
72sorting
73amongthe
74thumbscrews
75and
76the
77tenpenny
78nails

79some
80guy
81oldCharlie

82obliviousto
83solutions

84yet

85alone
86likethe
87mountainover
88thesea

89hemakes
90alittle
91ofthedarkness
92retreat.

[Page229]

girls

1Iusedtospend3daysaweek
2drivingoneortheotherofthe
3girlstovariouspharmacies
4onHollywoodBoulevard.

5howtheygottheirprescriptions
6Idon'tknow
7whethertheyfuckedtheir
8doctorsormurderedsomebody
9Idon'tknow

10buttheygotthem.
11itwassomecircus.

12oneofthegirls
13phonedme:"Eddieistrying
14togetmyprescription!tell
15Eddietoleavemealone!"

16IgotEddieonthephoneand
17toldhimthatIwasgoingto
18kickhisass,thatIwasonmy
19wayovertodojustthat.

20Eddiewasherbrother.
21helivedthere.

22whenIgotthere
23hewasgone.

24"hecouldn'tfindthepre
25scription,"shetoldme,"I
26haditinmymouth.Ialmost
27swallowedit..."

28sheshowedmethewaddedwetpieceof
29paper,unfoldeditandsaid,
30"let'sgo..."

[Page230]

31Idon'tknowwhatitmeantto
32me.
33usuallyitmeantthatwhenwegot
34backtomyplaceandItook
35somepillswiththebooze
36I'ddosomethingstupid
37likebustingoutthe
38bathroommirroror
39slicingupmycoffeetable
40withmybuckknife.
41althoughthegirlslooked
42fairlygood
43therewasnotmuchsex
44involved

45itmeant
46lettingoneortheotherofthem
47outofmycar
48attheprescriptiondepartment
49ofsomecheappharmacyon
50HollywoodBoulevard
51at10:35a.m.
52thenlookingforparking
53findingoneofthemlater
54wobblingonhighheels
55lookinghelpless
56butreallytotallyvicious
57snarlingoffanystupiddreamers
58inthesidewalkmob

59thenseeingme,
60movingforward
61toanotherdayandnight
62ofpillsand
63alcohol
64uppersdowners
65vodkawinebeerbrandy
66itdidn'tmatter

[Page231]

67untilwewerepetrified
68outofexistence

69untilthenext
70time.

[Page232]
assbutnoclass

1onetime
2therewasRenewho
3hadmedrivehertoa
4departmentstore
5justbeforeXmas
6andwewalkedaround
7asshestockedher
8shoppingcartwith
9littlegoodies,then
10shesaid,"listen,I
11can'tpayforthese
12things,canyoubuy
13themforme?"
14"nothin'doin',"
15Itoldher.
16"listen,"shesaid,
17"youbuythisstuff
18andI'llfuckyou
19likeyouneverbeen
20fuckedbefore."
21so,Ipaid.
22itcameto
23$145.63

24atthecountershe
25happenedtomeet
26herfriends,
27JeffandClara
28andthey
29talked.

30"listen,"shefinally
31toldthem,"whydon't
32weallgotoHank'sand
33haveadrink?"

34wewent.
35wesataroundwiththe

[Page233]

36drinks.
37wedrankthoseandhad
38somemore.
39JeffandClara
40didn'tleave.
41IsawReneleanover
42toClaraonetimeand
43whispersomethingto
44her.

45Igotit.
46shewassaying,don't
47leavemeherealonewith
48him.
49theyallsatabout
50andthenClaraandJeff
51saidtheyhadtoleave
52andRenesaidshehadto
53leavetoo.

54Ileftit
55likethat.
56IletReneleave.

57shetookherpurchases
58withher.

59shewasayounggirl
60andIwasanold
61man.

62Iwatchedthem
63walkingawaytogether
64upthewalk,
65Renewithher
66victorious
67swish.

[Page234]

68we'dbeentobed
692or3
70times

71shethought,now,
72itwasenoughforme
73ifshecamearound
74onceinawhile
75wiredonspeed
76whileweplayed
77Scrabbleall
78night.

79astheywalkedaway,
80Ithought,
81whatanunimaginative
82whore,
83shehasjustwalkedaway
84fromapotential
85$200,000.00

86Iwalkedintothekitchen
87pulledoutabeer,
88hadahit
89andrelegatedhertoa
90lifetimeofpoverty
91worsethantheone
92thatIwasliving
93atthe
94moment.
[Page235]

overheadmirrors

1Iwouldn'tsayitwasaparticularlylowtime,itwas

2atimeandItriedtoadjustspiritually
3tomostmatters.
4whichmeant:notexpectingmuchandnotgettingmuch.

5butsicknessisanothermatter.
6IwaslivinginacheapcourtinHollywood
7inbetweenwomen
8andIwasbuyingcoke,really
9lowgradecrap,sniffingthatwith
10beerandscotch.
11Igotmentallyverydepressedandphysically
12sick.
13Icouldn'teat.
14itgotsoIjustingested
15coke,scotchandbeer.

16onemorningitreallygottome,Iwastrembling,
17havingvisions...
18Icouldn'tevendrinkwater...
19Iwas
20dying.

21theonlyfriendsIhadwereanudeydancerand
22aguywhooperatedapornobookstore.they
23cameby.

24"listen,thisisit,"Itoldthem,"I'm
25dying..."

26"we'llfixyouup,"saidthepornobookstore
27guy(whowasalsosellingme
28thewatereddowncoke).
29thenudeydancershackedwithhim.

30hecamebackwithsomethingpinkina
31bottle.
32"takethis,"hesaid.

[Page236]

33thatwasaboutnoon.

34about6p.m.thephonerang.
35Ipickeditup.

36"yes?"

37itwasthepornoguy.
38"Hank?"

39"yes..."
40"listen,BabsandIaren'tworkingtonight,
41we'regoingtoamotelwithover
42headmirrorsandXratedtv,we'regoingto
43relaxandfuck."

44"goodluck..."

45"Iknowyou'resick,sowe'regoingto
46giveyouthephonenumberatthe
47motelsoyoucancallusincaseof
48trouble..."

49"sure..."

50"gotapencil?"

51"yeh..."

52"it's..."

53hegavemethenumber.
54Ididn'thaveapencil,Icouldn't
55move.

56"thanks,"Isaid.

[Page237]

[Image]

57itwasoneofthosenightsyouremember.
58(ifyoudon'tfightdeathitwill
59justmovein.)
60attimesI
61gotup
62andwalkedaround
63turnedtheradiooffandon,flushedthetoilet
64nowandthen,ranallthefaucetsintheplace,
65thenshutthemoff,turnedthelightsoffand
66on,gotbackonthebed,restedbutnottoolong,
67gotup,sippedwateroutofthetap,
68satinachairandtooksomecoins
69outofmypocketandcountedthem:25,26,27
70cents...
71Ikeptturningthewateroffandon,thelights
72offandon,countingthecoinsandalsovery
73sensiblyputtingoneshoeparalleltothe
74othershoeandsoforth...
75asIwentaboutmybusinessInoticedthatthe
76clockhardlymoved:
77thetimealwaysthesame:3:21a.m.
78thenallatonce,withina
79minute
80Inoticedlightcominginundertheblinds
81daylightarriving
82andwhenIsawthat
83Ifeltabitbetter
84wenttobed
85andsleptflatonmybellyas
86usual...

87thenextnightIwassittingonmycouch
88drinkingabeerandeatingafriedegg
89sandwichbetween2slicesofverydry
90bread

[Page238]

91when

92myfriends
93thenudeydancerandthepornoguy
94camein.

95"howyoufeeling?"heasked.

96"o.k.,exceptit'smylastbeerand
97I'mbroke."

98"shit,man,comeondowntoourplace,
99wegotplentyofeverything..."

100theydid.
101lovelyplace.Istayedwiththebeer
102exceptfortwovodkasevensandonelittle
103yellowpill
104andtheyhadthestereoon
105butnottooloud
106andIstayed
107smokedtwobombers
108drank18or19beers
109thankedthemandwalkedback
110home...

111thenextmorningIdidn'tpuke.
112Igotup,tookagoodcrap,tooka
113lukewarmbath,dressedandwalkedtothe
114cornerof
115HollywoodandWestern
116putadimeinthebox
117gotaHeraldExaminer,
118rememberingdecadesbackwhenthere
119wasanewspaperinL.A.
120calledtheHeraldExpressandanother
121calledtheExaminer
122andtheymergedratherthan

[Page239]

123killeachotheroff,
124andcarryingthatpaperback
125IfeltthatIhadlivedalong
126time
127thoughnotaverywonderfulone,
128Itookthepaperbacktomyplace,
129satonthecouch
130andbegantoreadit
131fascinated,finally,withwhatthe
132otherpeople
133weredoing.

[Page240]

girlsfromnowhere

1thegirlsfromnowherecame
2andsatinmychairsand
3drankandsmokedwithme
4andgotintomybed
5liketoychildren
6unreal

7but
8attimes
9therewere
10tinybitsof
11marvelousmagic

12butmostof
13thetime
14theywere
15unattached
16toeverything

17thesky
18theground
19thesea
20thevoice
21thelaughter
22or
23theluck.

24theywerejust
25goingon.

26theyhadsome
27courage
28butnotmuch
29kindness.

30Ialwaysfelt
31betterwhen
32theyleft

[Page241]

33andwas
34unsurewhy
35they
36returned

37alwayswith
38somestoryof
39beingabused
40whichwas
41probably
42true.

43but
44theywere
45sometimestiring
46duringthelong
47nights
48withtheir
49cursingandtheir
50embittered
51slurred
52speeches
53muchhair
54fallinginto
55thosefaces.

56thegirlsfrom
57nowhere
58hadmuch
59tosay.

60attimes
61Ifoundthis
62(andthem)
63interesting
64enough

65explainingit

[Page242]

66all
67with
68verve

69kicking
70their
71longlegswith
72spiked
73heels

74yet
75theyalwaysbrought
76trouble
77onewayorthe
78other

79especiallyifI
80beganto
81care
82toomuch.

83then
84theyknew
85whatto
86do
87andthey
88did
89it.

[Page243]

makingit

1Iwasafreneticwretchofaman
2IwaswithR.andC.andM.andL.and
3wewerealwaysfuckingandtherewerearguments
4therewasunhappinessandmypenishurt
5fromconstantejaculation
6Iwassuckingbreasts
7Iwasdownbetweenthighs
8Iwasontop
9Iwasonthebottom
10Icouldn'trememberthelast7times.

11I'dgetspasmsjustsittinginachair
12drinkingabeer.
13Isatonmyreadingglasses.
14myveinswereknottedinlargebunchesatmytemples.
15Igottoothaches
16backaches
17headaches
18Igotflattireseverywhere
19Igotconstipated
20Ididn'tcombmyhair
21butIwasfucking
22sometimesI'dbedownthere
23andshe'dbedownthere
24"nowwhenIdoit,"she'dsay,
25"youdoit..."

26Iwasstandinginbathroomswithwet
27washrags
28continually.
29Icouldn'tcleantheringoutofmytoilet
30butIwasfuckingandfighting
31withR.andC.andM.andL.
32theywerealwaysthreateningtoleaveme
33andIjustcouldn'tunderstandthem.

34Iwasn'tgoodatwarwithwomen
35Iwastooseriousandtheywere

[Page244]

36toogoodatit.
37theyweresmarterthanIwas
38andIfeltworseandworse.
39themoreIfuckedthemandfought
40withthem
41theworseIfelt.

42Ibecametotallyinept:
43Icouldn'tanswerthedoorbellorthe
44telephone,
45Ifailedtomakethebed
46Icouldn'tshave
47Icouldn'tbrushmyteeth
48IgotWARNINGnoticesfromthe
49phonecompany
50fromthewaterandpowerpeople
51fromtheIRS
52fromFranchiseTaxBoard
53Ididsendoffformylicenseplatetab
54butwhenitarrived
55Ipromptlylostit...

56ButIwasfucking
57Igotsomegroansfrom
58R.andC.andM.andL.thatsounded
59real
60butIneverdidaskanyofthemif
61theyclimaxed.
62Isureashelldid.
63continually.
64theskinofmypenis
65wasrawtothetouchlikefire
66them.d.saidnov.d.
67hesaid,"Christ,givethatthinga
68rest.takeayearoff.findsome
69otherhobby."

70butIcontinued.

[Page245]

71Ilaughedbutwithouthappiness.
72Ihadulcerattacks.
73Iagedfiveyearsinsixmonths.
74yetmyjealousies
75consumedme,myimaginationwhirled
76counterclockwiseinmybrain.
77Idrovemyautorecklessly
78Ilostjobs,foundjobs,lostjobs,
79drankandsmokedcontinually.
80Ihadinsomnia
81theskinpeeledoffthe
82backsofmyhands.
83IhadnoappetitebutIkeptfuckingand
84Ididn'tknowhowtogetout
85ofit.
86Iwascaughtthere,
87betweenlegsliftedceiling
88ward,
89aman
90doingit
91againandagainandagain
92bedsheets,bedsteads,shades,curtains,
93pillows,tits,breasts,buttocks.
94thesmelloflovesometimesandthesmellofsex
95always
96withR.andC.andM.andL....

97butoftentimes
98atthemostintenseandpassionate
99moments
100IwishedthatIcouldbethat
101lonelyfellowagain
102sittinginamoviehousewith
103mybagofpopcorn
104asallaboutme
105couplessat
106sidebyside
107together.

[Page246]

nakedat92degrees

1littletodoonaHOTnightbutswatat
2smallBUGSandconsiderthe
3STOCKPILES

4evenSEXnowbringsthethreatofDEATH
5throughnewandincurable
6DISEASES

7nowYOUmustbepreparedto
8DIEforyour
9LOVE

10andnow
11itseems
12moreandmore
13wearejustsitting
14WAITINGfor
15NOTHING

16nowyoumustbe
17preparedtoDIE
18for
19NOTHING

20thejailsandmadhouses
21are
22FULL
23yetthere'sno
24PANIC

25noteven
26here

27Ikillaflying
28insectastheTowerof
29Pisa
30leansMOREand
31MORE.

[Page247]
32onthisHOT
33night
34inthisHOT
35room
36suckingon
37CIGARETTES
38and
39tooLAZYto
40PISS
41toolateto
42CARE
43welackthe
44IMAGINATIONto
45even
46SCREAM.

[Page248]

now

1well,
2nowsomeeattoforgetandsomedrinktoforgetand
some
3makelovetoforget
4andsometakedrugstoforgetandsomegotomovies
to
5forget
6andsomesleeptoforgetandsometraveltoforget
and
7someworkcrosswordpuzzlestoforgetandsome
8chopwoodtoforgetandsome
9standontheirheadstoforget
10butwhatdotheydotoremember?
11youcan'ttellmemanythingstheydotoremember
12likeIwritethispoemtoremembertoforget

13somegotothecircustoforget
14andsomeflygliderstoforget
15somemixsalads
16somepolevault
17someshavetheirskulls
18somewalkthroughfire
19asthewaterboilsover
20asthepresidentlaceshisshoes
21asthecancangirlscancan
22therearewholeoceansfullofthetearsofagony
23andmyfathersitsacrosstheroomfrommenowwith
24hisbigfatjowlsofshimmeringslime
25knowingI'mtypingabouthimnow
26knowingthatI'vefailedtoremembertoforget
27Iswitchontheradio
28getStravinsky
29notethedirtundermy
30fingernails

31he's
32thebest.
[Page249]

nicetry

1bestdreamIever
2had
3Icould
4fly
5inthis
6dream

7Iflewover
8fieldsandthe
9drybrown
10hills
11and
12belowme
13men,womenand
14children
15were
16running

17andthen
18myflying
19mechanismbeganto
20fail
21falter
22andIbeganto
23fall
24slowlytoward
25them
26andthey
27reacheduptheir
28hands
29andtriedto
30grabme
31butthroughsheer
32and
33damnablewill
34Iforcedmyselfto
35fly
36up

[Page250]

37again
38outoftheir
39reach

40andwiththat
41itgot
42easierand
43easier
44andIflew
45up
46up
47throughtheclouds
48andoutinto
49the
50sunlight.

51whenIawakened
52Iwasonthe
53drunktankfloor
54oftheold
55LincolnHeightsjail
56atNorthAvenue
5721
58andnotonly
59didn'tIhaveany
60wings
61allIhadwas
62mypropertyslip
63andsomebodywas
64puking
65intothe
66toilet.

67maybeI'dbe
68anangel
69someother
70time.

[Page251]

thepuzzle

1myneighborisaniceguybutheutterly
2confoundsme:
3hegetsupveryearlyinthemorning,goes
4towork;
5hiswifeworks,theyhavetwolovely
6children;
7heishomeintheevening,Isometimessee
8thechildren,brieflyseethe
9wife;
10by9p.m.allthelightsintheirhouseare
11out;
12andhisdaysrepeatthemselveslikethis;
13heseemsafairlyintelligentman
14inhisearly30's;
15theonlyexplanationforhis
16routineisthathemust
17enjoyhis
18work
19believein
20God,
21sex,
22family.

23Idon'tknowwhy
24butoverthere
25Ialwaysexpectsomewindowstobreaksuddenly
26Iexpecttohearsomescreams
27hearobscenelanguage
28seelightsat3a.m.
29see
30flyingbottles

31butfor5yearsnow
32hisroutinehasremainedthe
33same

34so
35Itakecareoftheseother

[Page252]

36thingsfor
37him
38which
39Idon'tthinkhiswife
40appreciates:
41"Hank,Icouldhave
42calledthecops
43manytimesbut
44Ihaven't."

45sometimes
46I'dliketocallthe
47copsonthem
48butIdon'tthinkthecops
49wouldunderstandmy
50complaint

51theirredlightsflashing,
52whitefacedin
53darkblue:

54"Sir,there'sno
55law
56againstwhatthey
57are
58doing..."

[Page253]

BigJohnofEchoPark

1hiswifeworkedandboughthis
2pills
3andhesatinthebigchair
4sixfeettwoandtwohundredand
5fortyfivepounds
6with
7twothousandpoundsofuseless
8junkspread
9aboutthehouse.
10hegatheredandaddedto
11thiscrap
12almosteverynight
13whenhewas
14high.
15scavengingthebackyardsand
16garbagecansofthe
17neighborhood

18andI
19satwithhimoften
20andwetookpills
21inmidafternoonas
22theworldcranked
23away.

24he
25wasreallyabrilliant
26fellow:
27onedayI
28helpedhimcarryout
292weeksofdirty
30dishes
31andwespreadthem
32about
33intheyard
34andhewashedthemdownwith
35thegarden
36hose.

[Page254]

37wetookthe
38pillsand
39wetalkedfor
40hours
41days
42andherecordedit
43allontape,mostof
44ituseless
45gibberish,mostof
46it
47mine.

48Isawhim
49theotherday
50andhelookedasfine
51asever,
52hadn'tworkedin
5330years
54noteven
55athiswriting:
56thesame
5722pagesofvery
58strong
59maybegreat
60writing
61reappearing
62inthemagazines
63andgiven
64frommemory
65athis
66readings.
67heknowsthat
68ambitionis
69bullshit
70shuck
71andhecan
72pointto

[Page255]

73thefact
74that
75overthe
76decades
77ithas
78destroyed
79allthose
80weonce
81knew.

82"youstillwith
83Sally?"Iasked,about
84hiswife.

85"shit,"he
86answered,"doyou
87thinkI'deverlet
88agoodthinglike
89that
90getaway?"

91healwayshadthis
92wayof
93easilymastering
94any
95conversation.

96it'sa
97goodthing
98formanyofus
99inthisstinking
100racket
101thathejust
102doesn'tliketo
103type
104toomuch.

[Page256]

onbeingrecognized

1theyounggirlfoundmeatthetrack,
2toldmehowmuchshelikedmypoems,stories,
3novels.

4whensuchmomentsoccur
5(andtheydo,attimes)
6Ifinditdifficulttorespond
7becauseonedoesnotwalkaboutthinking,
8Iamawriter.
9infact,whenyou'renotwriting
10you'renotawriter.
11oneforgets.
12andso,
13oneisneverquitereadywhen
14reminded.

15sothereshewas,"gladyoulikemystuff,"
16Irespondedwithoutanyoriginality,then
17Ibecameworldlyandadded,"whenyousee
18mybooksbesuretobuythem..."

19"ohsure,sure,"shesaid
20herbeautifuleyesveryclose,herbody
21veryclose.

22"Igottabetnow,"Itold
23her.

24"yes,ofcourse,"she
25answered.

26Iwalkedoffthinkingabouthowpossibly
27thousandsofyounggirlsmightbereadingmybooks
28intheirbeds.

29thenasIwalkedalong
30Ihappenedtolookdown
31Ihadbeeninahurrytomakethefirst

[Page257]

32race:Ihadononeblackshoeandone
33brownshoe.

34originalatlast,Ithought,hopeitlasts
35untilthenexttimeIseea
36typewriter.

37Imademybetandthenwentdownstairswhere
38theyounggirlwouldn'tsee
39theblackshoeandthebrownshoe
40onthefamous
41writer.

[Page258]

love

1answeringalettertosomebodyinAlaska
2theradiohasbeentunedintoanewwave
3groupandIhavelistenedtotheirwork
4andfoundthatthefavoritewordin
5alltheirsongsis
6"love."
7thepersoninAlaskaisyoungbutdying,
8consideringsuicide,andhewantstoknow
9whatIthink
10aboutitall,hewantsananswer,heneeds
11one
12andit'sadifficultlettertowrite
13astheyoungboyontheradiosings
14"walkoutonmenow,baby,andI'm
15done..."

16Ichangethestation,getsomeclassical
17music,thenmyphonerings,itringsand
18itrings
19onahotJulynight

20nothingevergoesasitshould,it
21goesasitmust,andImovetowardthe
22telephone
23evenaswarheadsare
24constantlyshuttled
25underground
26onhiddenrailroadtracks
27sothat
28enemymissilescannot
29locatethem

30Ipickupthephone,say"hello,"
31and
32wait.

[Page259]

thehustle

1thereadingsinthosecollegetownswerehell,
2ofcourse,butIlikedtheflyinginandout,
3drinkingontheplanes,andIlikedthehotels,
4theimpersonalrooms.

5thenightsbeforethereadingswerebest,
6stretchedoutonthebedinastrangetown,
7thefifthofwhiskeyonthenightstand,
8and,youknow,thosehotelswerequiet...
9thosesouthernhotels
10andespeciallythosemidwesternhotels.

11itwasastupidhustlebutitbeatthefactories,
12Iknewthat,butitwashumoroustome
13andridiculousthat
14IwasacceptedasaPOET
15butafterIexaminedtheworkofmycompatriots
16Inolongermindedtakingthemoney
17andafterhearingsomeofthemread
18Ihardlyfelttheimpostoratall
19althoughIknewIwasabitcrazy
20especiallyafterdrinking
21andthat
22Ijustmight
23somenight
24takeoutmyhoseandstartpissingfromthe
25podium...

26someoftheprofsmusthaveguessed
27forafterIacceptedaninvitationtoread
28mostwrotebacktome:
29"Ihopeyouwon'tcostmemyjob..."

30secondbest,Iremember
31theadoringeyesofthecoeds
32butfirstofall,likeIsaid,Iliked
33allthosehotelroomsthenightsbeforethe
34readings

[Page260]

35mesittingupinbed,smoking,sucking
36onthefifth,sickoflookingatthepoems,
37thinking,ifIcanfoolthemit'sallright,
38worsehave,manymorewill...
39nowonderthisworldisn'tvery
40much

41thenI'dgoforabiggulpfromthefifth,
42say,at2:30a.m.
43itwasjustlikebeingback
44home.

[Page261]

sexand/orlove

1inmydreams
2Icanhitahomerunalmost
3everytimeup
4ifIwant
5to.
6Icouldbat
7.980

8butsoonthey'd
9justwalkme
10everytime
11Igottothe
12plate.

13so,
14that'swhat
15Itellmy
16women:
17I'vegotto
18strikeout
19nowandthen
20justtomakeit
21interesting...

22don'toverdo
23it,they
24say.

25I'vegottokeep
26alowprofile,
27Itellthem,
28orI'llgeteaten
29up.

30that'swhenthe
31screamingstarts

32youknow,theway

[Page262]

33theytalkyou'd
34thinkIwasn't
35trying
36at
37all.

[Page263]

funny

1sometimesyouarelikedforallthewrong
2reasons
3orhatedforallthewrongreasons
4orgivencreditwherethereis
5none.
6Ioncelivedwithawomanwho
7saidthatIwasthefunniestman
8shehadevermet
9andsheoftenlaughed
10whenIsaidsomethingserious.
11"oh,"she'dlaugh,"yououghttobe
12intheentertainment
13business!"
14butwhenItriedtobefunny
15she'dsay,
16"whatthehelldoyoumeanby
17that?you'renot
18funny."

19Ifinallyfigureditout:
20thetruthisthefunniestthing
21around
22becauseyouseldomeverhear
23it
24andwhenyoudo
25itastonishesyouinto
26laughter.
27andwhenyoutrytobefunny
28youoftenexaggeratethetruth
29andthat'snotfunny
30atall...
31well,thiswomanandI
32finallyseparated
33andthenextoneneversaidwhether
34Iwasfunnyor
35not,
36shejustswitchedonthe

[Page264]

37tv
38andlaughedrightalongwith
39thelaughtrack
40whileIsat
41demeanedand
42depressed.

[Page265]

outoftheblue

1shephonedmefromafaraway
2state
3"Icouldneverarguewithyou,"
4shetoldme,
5"you'djustrunoutthedoor.
6myhusband'snotlikethat,
7hestickslikeglue.
8hebeatsme."

9"Ineverbelievedindiscussions,"
10Isaid,"there'snothingto
11discuss."

12"you'rewrong,"shesaid,"youshould
13trytocommunicate."

14"'communicate'isanoverusedwordlike
15'love',"Itoldher.

16"butdon'tyouthinktwopeoplecan
17'love'?"sheasked.

18"notiftheytryto'communicate',"
19Ianswered.

20"you'retalkinglikeanasshole,"
21shesaid.

22"we'rehavinganargument,"
23Isaid.

24"no,"shesaid,"we'retryingto
25communicate."

26"I'vegottoleave,"Isaidandhung
27up,thentookthephoneoffthe
28hook.
[Page266]

29Ilookedatthephone.
30whattheydidn'tunderstandwasthat
31sometimestherewasnothingto
32save
33exceptpersonalvindicationofa
34personalviewpoint
35andthatthatwaswhatwasgoingtocause
36thatblindingwhiteflash
37oneofthesedays.

[Page267]

sweater

1IhadtodrivetoPalosVerdestodosomebusinessat
the
2savingsandloan,
3therewasn'tmuchofaline
4whichwasgoodbecausetherewereonlytwotellers
5youngladies
6andIgotoneofthem
7butshecouldn'tseemtowork
8thecomputer.
9sometimesthecomputerwasdown.
10Iwaitedandwatchedherstruggle.
118minuteswentby.
12myladycamebacktothewindowandtoldme
13thatthecomputerwouldn'tdosomethingfor
14her.
15"I'mnewhere,"shetold
16me,
17thenturningtotheothergirl
18sheasked,
19"couldyouhelpmewiththistransaction?"
20theothergirldidn'tanswer.
21myladytriedagain:"Louise,wouldyou
22pleasehelpmewiththis
23transaction?"
24"I'llberightback,"Louiseansweredand
25closedherwindow.
26shethenwalkedtooneofthe
27tables
28whereanolderwomanwastalkingtoayoungman
29wearingglasses.
30Louisestoppedaboutfourfeetfromthe
31youngman
32foldedherarmsandbegan
33listening.
34thentheyoungmanspoke.
35hehadonayellowsweater
36onlyhedidn'thaveiton,
37hehaditthrownabouthisshoulders
38andthetwoemptyarmshungdownoverhis

[Page268]
39chest.
40theycontinuedtoconverseasI
41watched.
42theyoungmandidmostofthe
43talking
44andashedidsoheswayed
45backandforth
46eversoslightly
47andthearmsofhissweaterswung
48backandforth
49backandforth
50andhecontinuedtotalkand
51sway
52asIwatchedtheemptyarms
53ofhissweaterswing
54backandforth.
55backandforth.

56Idon'tlikepeoplewhowear
57loosesweatersovertheirbacks
58witharmsdangling
59andthesetypesusuallywear
60sunglassespushedback
61intotheirhair
62andIcouldsense
63thatwhathewastalkingaboutwas
64utterlydrab
65useless
66andprobably
67untrue
68and
69hehadtheblandunworriedface
70ofsomebody
71towhomnothinghadhappened
72yet
73andasIwatchedhimswayand
74talk
75hissweaterarmscontinuingto

[Page269]

76swing
77Louisestoodthere
78fourfeetaway
79armsfolded
80listening,
81andIthought,
82thisfellowhasless
83sense
84thanthecommonhousefly,
85andthisLouise...
86likewise.
87sheknewIwaswaiting.

88Ibeganwalkingtoward
89them,
90Ihadtomakethefirstpost
91attheracetrack
92andthesethreewere
93beingrude,dumb,asifitwasa
94naturalorderofbusiness.

95IhadnoideawhatIwasgoingto
96say
97butitwasgoingtobe
98good.
99theystoppedtalkingasI
100approached.
101thenIheardthevoice
102behindme:
103"Mr.Chinaski!"
104Istopped,
105turned.
106"Igotthecomputerto
107function!"

108Iwasn'ttoohappyto
109hearthat.
110Iwentbacktothecounter

[Page270]

111andwecompletedthe
112bookwork.
113thegirlapologizedbut
114Itoldheritwas
115allright.

116asIwalkedtowardthe
117door
118Ineededtopassthe
119otherthree.
120theywereinthe
121samepositions
122andtheyoungmanwas
123stilltalking
124buthenolonger
125swayed
126andthearmsofhis
127yellowsweater
128nolonger
129swung
130about.

131we'dspoiledeachothers'
132fucking
133day.

[Page271]

theskaters

1Iamsittingatatableinthemalldrinkingcoffee
while
2Lindashops.
3Isitabovetheicerinkwherethechildrenskate
4intheafternoon,
5mostlyyounggirlsdressedinblues,reds,whites,
greens,
6purples,yellows,orange
7theyareallverygood,swift,theyspinandglide,
8therearenocollisions.eventhetiniestchild
9verygood,all
10tiny,largerandlargest
11whirlthroughtheopenspacesasiftheywereone.

12Ilikeit,verymuch,butthenIthink
13astheygetoldertheywillstopskating,theywill
14stopsinging,painting,dancing,
15theirinterestswillshiftto
16survival,
17thegraceandthegamblewilldisappear.
18butlet'snotfeeltoobad:
19thishappenstoanimalstoo:
20theyplaysolong
21then
22stop...

23thenIseeLinda,itappearsthatshehas
24foundsomethingthat
25pleasesher,sherushestowardmytable,she
26waves,
27laughing.
28Istandup,wave,smile,
29thingsseemveryhappy
30asdownbelowustheywhirland
31glide.
32somemomentsarenice,someare
33nicer,someareevenworth
34writing
35about.

[Page272]

aboutpain

1myfirstandonlywife
2painted
3andshetalkedtome
4aboutit:
5"it'sallsopainful
6forme,eachstrokeis
7pain...
8onemistakeand
9thewholepaintingis
10ruined...
11youwillneverunder
12standthe
13pain..."

14"look,baby,"I
15said,"whydonchadosomethingeasy
16somethingyaliketa
17do?"
18shejustlookedatme
19andIthinkitwasher
20firstunderstandingof
21thetragedyofourbeing
22together.

23suchthingsusually
24begin
25somewhere.

[Page273]

paceistheessence

1asthemailmanwalkedupthehill
2helaughed
3whenhesawme.
4Ilaughedtoo.
5"yeah,Harry,Iknow:
6justanoldmanwithahose
7wateringtheparkway.
8yougotme..."

9thoseguysthinkit'sgottobe
10war
11allthetime.
12I'mjusttakinga
13rest.
14whenIfinallypressthatred
15button
16they'llwishIwas
17backwateringthe
18gladiolas.

[Page274]

green

1I'vebeendrunkinfrontofcrackedbathroommirrors
2inSoutherntownsofnowhere
3holdingaparingknifenearthejugularveinand
4grinning.
5that'swhenIfirstlearnedthatstageplayis
6agreatsubstitutefor
7reality:
8theonlyseparationbetweendoingand
9pretendingtodo
10beingthatinfinitehairlineof
11choice:a
12choicebetweennothingand
13nothing.

14toawakeninthemorning,to
15findaplaceof
16employment
17wheretheworkersacceptedeverything
18butthedreamof
19escape.
20thereweresomanyplaceslike
21that.
22therewasajobinthistown
23inLouisiana
24whichIlefteachevening
25tiredanddulled
26tothatnightagain
27pouringglassfulsand
28lookingoutthe
29windowand
30thinkingaboutagirlat
31work
32inanillfittinggreendress
33whocursedcontinuallyabout
34almosteverything.
35Ionlywantedtofuckher
36onceand
37getoutof

[Page275]

38town.
39Ionlygotoutoftown,
40whichmeansImadeachoicebetween
41stayingnowhereandgoing
42nowhere,
43andIimagineifshe'saliveshe's
44stillcursingabout
45something
46butInolongerholdtheparingknife
47nearthejugularvein
48theendisgetting
49closeenough
50allby
51itself.

[Page276]

onefortheoldboy

1hewasjusta
2cat
3crosseyed,
4adirtywhite
5withpaleblueeyes

6Iwon'tboreyouwithhis
7history
8justtosay
9hehadmuchbadluck
10andwasagoodold
11guy
12andhedied
13likepeopledie
14likeelephantsdie
15likeratsdie
16likeflowersdie
17likewaterevaporatesand
18thewindstopsblowing

19thelungsgaveout
20lastMonday.
21nowhe'sintherose
22garden
23andI'vehearda
24stirringmarch
25playingforhim
26insideofme
27whichIknow
28notmany
29butsomeofyou
30wouldliketo
31know
32about.

33that's
34all.

[Page277]

eatingmyseniorcitizen'sdinnerattheSizzler

1between2and5p.m.anydayandanytimeonSunday
and
2Wednesday,it's20%offfor
3usolddogsapproachingthesunset.
4it'sstrangetobeoldandnotfeel
5old
6butIglanceinthemirror
7seesomesilverhair
8concedethatI'dlookmisplacedata
9rockconcert.

10Ieatalone.
11theotheroldiesareingroups,
12amanandawoman
13awomanandawoman
14threeoldwomen
15anothermananda
16woman.
17it's4:30p.m.ona
18Tuesday
19andjust5or6blocksnorthis
20thecemetery
21onalongslopinggreenhill,
22averymodernplacewith
23themarkers
24flatontheground,
25it'smuchmorepleasantfor
26passingtraffic.

27ayoungwaitress
28movesamongus
29fillingourcups
30againwithlovely
31poisonouscaffeine.
32wethankherand
33chewon,
34somewithourown
35teeth.

[Page278]

36wewouldn'tlosemuchina
37nuclearexplosion.

38onegoodoldboytalks
39onandon
40aboutwhat
41he'snottoo
42sure.

43well,Ifinishmymeal,
44leaveatip.
45Ihavethelasttablebythe
46exitdoor.
47asI'mabouttoleave
48I'mblockedbyanoldgirl
49inawalker
50followedbyanotheroldgirl
51whosebackisbent
52likeabow.
53theirfaces,theirarms
54theirhandsarelike
55parchment
56asiftheyhadalreadybeen
57embalmed
58buttheyleavequietly.

59asImadereadytoleave
60again
61Iamblocked
62thistimebyahuge
63wheelchair
64thebacktiltedlow
65it'salmostlikeabed,
66averyexpensive
67mechanism,
68anawesomeandglorious
69receptacle
70thechromeglitters

[Page279]

71andthethicktiresare
72airinflated
73andtheladyinthechairand
74theladypushingit
75lookalike,
76sistersnodoubt,
77one'slucky
78getstoride,
79andtheygoby
80againverywhite.

81andthen
82Irise
83makeittothedoor
84intostunningsunlight
85makeittothecar
86getin
87roartheengineinto
88life
89ripitintoreverse
90withaquickbackturnofsquealing
91tires
92Islamtoabouncinghalt
93ripthewheelright
94feedthegas
95gofromfirsttosecond
96spinintoagapof
97traffic
98amquicklyinto
993rd
1004th
101Iamupto
10250mphinaflash
103movingthrough
104them.
105whocanturnthestream
106ofdestiny?
107Ilightacigarette

[Page280]

108punchontheradio
109andayounggirl
110sings,
111"putitwhereithurts,
112daddy,makemelove
113you..."

Copyright1984byCharlesBukowski.

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