1

Act 1

Scene 1

(The stage opens up to a view of Harry Potter sitting on his suitcase Downstage Center. He fixes
his hair and does other twitchy actions. There is also a door on Centerstage Left)

Harry:
Underneath these stairs
I hear the sneers and feel glares of
my cousin, my uncle and my aunt.

Can't believe how cruel they are

and it stings my lighting scar
to know that they'll never ever give me what I want.

I know I don't deserve these

stupid rules made by the Dursleys
here on Privet drive.

Can't take all of these muggles,

but despite all of my struggles,
I'm still alive.

Im sick of summer and this waiting around.

Man, its September, and Im skipping this town
Hey its no mystery, theres nothing here for me now.

(Harry stands)

I gotta get back to Hogwarts,

I gotta get back to school.
Gotta get myself to Hogwarts,
Where everybody knows I'm cool.

Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts,

To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts.
Its all that I love, and it's all that I need
At Hogwarts, Hogwarts.
I think I'm going back!

(Harry takes his trunk and flips it so that it is in the right direction then sits on it again)

I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we cry.

 2

Take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky.

NO WAY this year anyone's gonna die, and it's gonna be totally awesome!

I'll cast some spells, with a flick of my wand.

Defeat the dark arts; yeah bring it on!
And do it all with my best friend Ron, 'cuz together we're totally awesome!

(A Door opens from Left Center and Ron and points at Harry)

Ron: Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome!

(Walks in)

Did somebody say Ron Weasley?

(walks in and exchanges greetings with Harry)

Ron: Hey sorry it took me so long to get here I had to go get some flu powder, but umm...we got
to get going! Come on, get your trunk lets go!

Harry: (Grabs trunk) Where are we going?

Ron: To Diagon alley of course!

Harry: Cool!

Ron: Come on!

Harry/Ron: (chanting and spinning and doing crazy hand gestures) Flu Powder Power! Flu
Powder Power! Flu Powder Power! Flu Powder Power! (Harry Drops off his trunk upstage left
by the Orchestra)

(singing resumes)

Ron:
It's been so long, but we're going back
Don't go for work, don't go there for class.

Harry:
As long as were together--

Ron:
-- gonna kick some ass

Harry/Ron:
...and its gonna be totally awesome!
 3

This year we'll take everybody by storm,

stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm!

(enter Hermione, who pops in between them)

Hermione:
But let's not forget that we need to perform well in class if we want to pass our OWLS!

Ron: (exasperated yelling) Oh God, Hermione!! Why do you have to be such a buzz kill!?!

Hermione: (spoken) Because guys, schools not all about having fun! We need to study hard if
we want to be good witches and wizards!

Hermione:
I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart.
Check out my grades, they're "A's" for a start.
What I lack in looks well I make up in heart,
And well guys, yeah, that's totally awesome.

(Ron and Harry walk to DownStage Right)

This year I plan to study a lot...

(Cast of students start walking around in the background)

Ron:
That would be cool if you were actually hot

Harry:
hey Ron, come on, we're the only friends that she's got!

Ron:
and that's cool...

Hermione:
... and that's totally awesome

Harry, Ron, Hermione:

Yeah it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!

We're sick of summer and this waiting around.

It's like we're sitting in the lost and found.
Don't take no sorcery
For anyone to see how...
 4

We gotta get back to Hogwarts

We gotta get back to school
We gotta get back to Hogwarts
Where everything is magic-cooooool.

EVERYONE:
back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
it's all that I love, and it's all that I need at
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS

Harry, Ron, Hermione:

--- I think we're going back...

(Cast stops dancing and runs off stage while harry Ron and Hermione start walking towards
downstage left when Ginny runs onto the stage from centerStage Right)

Ginny: (Whiney) ROOOOONNNNN!!! You were supposed to take me to Madame Mulkins and
use those sickles mom gave you for my robe fittings!

Harry: Ughhhh, whos this?

Ron: (exasperated) This is stupid-little-dumb-sister-Ginny. Shes a freshman. Ginny this is

Harry. Harry Potter.

Ginny: (Shakes hands with Harry, star-struck) Ooohhh! Youre Harry Potter. Youre the boy
who lived.

Harry: Yeah, youre Ginny.

Ginny: Its Ginevera.

Harry: Cool, Ginnys fine.

Ron: Stupid-dumb-little-sister! (claps hands in front of her face, causing Ginny to shriek and
whine) Dont crowd the famous friend! (Ron and Harry wrap their arms around each other)

Hermione: Do you guys hear music or something?

Harry: Music? What are you talking about?

Ron/Harry: Yeah someones coming.

 5

(Cheesy oriental music is heard offstage as Lavender Brown, a Chang dancer, and Cho Chang
enter from right center with their hands together, as if praying. They are dancing in a somewhat
provocative manner.)

Chang Dancers:
Cho Chang!
Domo arigato, Cho Chang!
Gung Hey Fat Choy, Chang!
Happy, Happy New Year, Cho Chang!

Ginny: Oh, whos that?

Harry: Oh that? Thats Cho Chang.

Ron: Thats the girl Harry's totally been in love with since freshman year.

Hermione: Yeah but he wont say anything to her.

Ron: Well, yeah, you never tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot.

(Ginny walks over to the Asian girl, taps her shoulder and bows as if to a Japanese person)

Ginny: Kon-ni-chi-wa, Cho-Chang. It is good to meet you. My Name is Ginny Weasley.

Lavender: (snaps her fingers and gets in Ginnys face) Bitch I aint Cho-Chang!!

Ron: (walks over to Ginny and yells) Thats Lavender Brown! (claps in her face) Racist sister!

(Cho-Chang walks up to Ginny from the back of the line)

Cho-Chang: Hey its all right! (pats Ginny on the back) Im Cho Chang y'all.

Harry: She is TOTALLY perfect.

Ron: Yeah too bad shes dating Cedric Diggory though.

Harry: WHAT? Who the Hell is Cedric Diggory!?

Ron: Hes just that guy you know hes(hand gestures as if to say you knowright?)

(Cedric bursts through them knocking them on the floor)

Cedric:
Cho Chang!
I am so in love with Cho Chang!
From Bangkok to Ding Dang!
 6

Ill sing my love aloud for Cho Chang!

(they run off together)

Harry: Man, I hate that guy!

Ron: (to Ginny) So are we gonna get those robes or not!?

Ginny: Ok! Alright! Im going!

Ron: God, Sister!!!

(They all exit stage left. Neville enters Stage Left, Crabbe and Goyle enter Stage Right and stop
him center stage)

Goyle: Present your arm, nerd! (Neville does, Goyle points his wand at Nevilles arm) Indian
Burn Hex!!!!

Neville: Ahhhhh! (shrieks of pain)

(Ron, Harry and Hermione enter from stage left)

Ron: Crabbe and Goyle!

(Ginny goes to help Neville)

Harry: Hey why dont you leave Neville Longbottom alone?

Goyle: Well, well, well if it isnt Harry Potter. You think all because your famous you can boss
everyone around!

Harry: No I just dont think its cool for guys of your size to be picking on guys like Neville!
Cmon!

Goyle: Oh well you know what I think! That glasses are for nerds! (takes glasses off of Harrys
face and breaks them in half) And we hate nerds!

Crabbe: And girls!

Ron: (hiding behind Hermione) Well, you asked for it! You dont mess with Harry Potter! He
beat the dark lord when he was a baby!

Hermione: Alright! Everyone just calm down! (steps forward to Harry) Occulus reparo!

Harry: Woah, cool! (replaces glasses)

 7

Hermione: Now lets leave these big-childish-baby-jerks alone! (They start to walk off but are
stopped abruptly)

(Draco enters Stage Right, commanding the audiences attention)

Draco: Did someone say Draco Malfoy?

Harry: Oh my God, what do you want Draco?

Draco: (hands Crabbe and Goyle a small sac of money) Crabbe, Goyle. Be a pair of loyal dogs
and go pay for my robes, will you? So, Potter, back for another year at Hogwarts, are you?
Maybe this year youll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizard? (dramatic pose)

Harry: No way Malfoy! Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the entire world! I wouldnt
trade them for anything.

Draco: Have it your way! Wait, dont tell me: red hair, hand-me down clothes, and a stupid
complexion. You must be a Weasley.

Ron: Oh my god. Lay off, Malfoy! She may be a pain in the ass, okay? But shes my pain in the
ass.

Draco: Well, isnt this cute. Its like a little looser family. (everyone leaves) Hogwarts has really
gone to the dogs, but luckily next year Ill be transferred to Pigfarts.

(starts singing)

This year, you bet, Im gonna get outta here.

The reign of Malfoy is drawing near.
Ill have the greatest wizard career.
Its gonna be totally awesome.

Look out world, for the dawn of the day

When everyone will do whatever I say
And Potter wont be in my way, and then
Ill be the one who is totally awesome!

Goyle:
Yeah youll be the one who is totally awesome!

Hermione: Come on guys! Were gonna miss the train!

(everyone rushes on stage)

ALL:
Who knows how fast this years gonna go?
 8

Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow.

HARRY:
Maybe at last, Im gonna talk to Cho,

RON:
Oh no, that be WAY too awesome

ALL:
Were back to learn everything that we can.
Its great to come back to where we began.
And here we are, and alakazam! Here we go, this is totally awesome!

(stage crew pulls in pillars upstage behind the dancing cast)

Come on and teach us everything you know.

The summers over and were itchin to go.

Neville:
I think were ready for
Albus Dumbledore!

(Cast gets together and makes an archway with their arms. They pull away and Dumbledore
enters center stage.)

Dumbledore:
WELCOOOOOOOOOOOME(throws flowers to audience while belting Welcome)
All of you to Hogwarts!!!
I welcome all of you to school.
Did you know that here at Hogwarts
Weve got a hidden swimming pool?

Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts.

Welcome, hotties, nerds, and tools.
Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts
Id like to go over just a couple of rules.

Dumbledore: (Flamboyant Brooklyn Jew-esque accent always accompanied by a cheerful tone

and a smiling face.) My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am headmaster here at Hogwarts. You
can all call me Dumbledore. Of course you could also call me Albus if you want a detention.
Nah! Im just kidding. Ill expel you if you call me Albus!

ALL:
Back to witches and wizards and magical beasts,
To goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts.
It's all that I love, and all that I need
 9

At Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends.

To Gryffindor!
Hufflepuff!
Ravenclaw!
Slytherin!
Back to the place where our story begins
At Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

Dumbledore:
Im sorry, whats its name?

ALL:
Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

Dumbledore:
I didnt hear you kids!

ALL:
Hogwarts! Hogwarts!

Harry:
Man, Im glad Im back!

(everyone poses with their wands in the air)

Scene 2

Dumbledore: Yeah, guys, yes, and welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts. And a very
special welcome to my favourite student, Mr. Harry Potter. You know he killed Voldemort when
he was just a baby. Hes even got that little lightning bolt-shaped scar on his forehead to prove it.
And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny Weasley, oh
excuse me, Miss Ginny Weasley.

Ginny: (stands) Yeah, Im a girl. And also arent we supposed to be sorted by the sorting hat?

Dumbledore: Well, a funny thing happened to the sorting hat. He actually got hitched to another
piece of enchanted magical clothing, so he and the Scarf of Sexual Preference arent going to be
back until next year. Basically, I have just been putting everyone that looks like a good guy into
Gryffindor and anyone that looks like a bad guy into Slytherin and the other two can just go
wherever the Hell they want, I really dont care.

Cedric: (standing) Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders!

 10

Dumbledore: What the Hell is a Hufflepuff?

(Cedric shrugs shoulders and sits back down)

Anyway now its time for me to introduce a very good friend and our potions professor, Mr.
Severus Snape.

Ron: Oh man, not Snape I hoped they fired that guy!

Ginny: Whats wrong with Professor Snape!?

Ron: Ugh nothing, hes just ugh evil!

Harry: Cmon Ron, hes really not that bad. I dont know what youre talking about.

Snape: Harry Potter! Detention!

Harry: For what!?

Snape: For talking out of turn! Now before we begin, Im going to give you all your very first
pop quiz!

Hermione: Yessss! (everyone else groans)

Snape: Can anyone tell me what a port key is? (Hermione raising hand enthusiastically) Yes Ms.
Granger.

Hermione: A port key is an enchanted object that once touched it will transport the one, or ones
that touch it anywhere in the globe decided upon by the enchanter.

Snape: Very good. Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? (Hermione raising hand
enthusiastically again) Yes, Ms. Granger?

Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned

earlier in the story to return later in the story in a more significant way.

Snape: Perfect.

Ron: Whats a port key again? I missed that one.

Hermione: A port key is something that when you touch it will take you anywhere.

Snape: And remember a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object like a football or a
dolphin.
 11

Lavender: Professor, can like, a person be a portkey?

Snape: No thats absurd cause then if a person were to touch themselves (looks dramatically
at Ron) they would constantly be transported to different places. A person can, however, be a
horcrux.

Harry: Whats a.. whats a horcrux?

Snape: Im not even going to tell you Harry youll find out soon enough.

Hermione: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?

Snape: Oh no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know.
(points to the audience) Especially you. Now moving right along. There are four houses in all.
Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff-

Cedric: Finders!

Snape: and Slytherin. Now traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for
rule breaking. Example: 10 points from Gryffindor!

Gryffindor House: What?

Snape: For Ms. Grangers excessive baby fat. (pinches her cheeks mockingly)

Ron and Harry: Thanks Hermione! (agitated)

Snape: Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the house
cup. However, this year were doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our professor
of the dark arts, Professor Quirrel!

Harry: OWWWW!!!! (clutches scar)

Quirrel: House cup a time honored tradition, for centuries

Draco: GO HOME TERRORIST!!!

Quirrel: For centuries the four houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of
holding the title of house champion. But where does this competition come from and what are
the roots of the tradition?

Hermione: The house cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.

Quirrel: T-that was a rhetorical question.

Dumbledore: Granger, quit interrupting! 20 points from Gryffindor!

 12

Ron: Thanks Hermione! (agitated)

Quirrel: As I was saying, when the tournament first originated it was one of a completely
different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would complete a series of dangerous
tasks, challenges. The winner would not only win the cup, he would also win eternal glory.

Hermione: Kinda like a Triwizard tournament.

Quirrel: Yes, sort of like the Triwizard tournament, except no not like that at all. There are four
houses how can it be the Triwizard tournament with four teams?

Hermione: Well, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded
after one semester when one of its students was killed during the first task.

Quirrel: Yes, it is very dangerous but the rewards far outweigh the risks.

Hermione: I dont think you heard me, I just said somebody died!

Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lopsided mouth and quit interrupting. 20
more points!

Ron: THANKS HERMIONE! (incredibly agitated)

Dumbledore: God, for the cleverest witch of your age you really can be a dumbass sometimes.
10 points to Dumbledore. (grins in self-satisfaction)

Quirrel: Yes, well, it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for
ages to come. And as the professor of the defense against the dark arts, I believe that this
practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to--

Voldemort: AH CHOO!

Dumbledore: Did your turban just sneeze?

Quirrel: What? No!

Dumbledore: I could have sworn I heard a sneeze coming from your direction but your mouth
wasnt moving.

Quirrel: No, that was simply a fart. Excuse me. (Quirrel starts backing up towards Harry)

Voldemort: AH CHOO!

Harry: OW! OW! OWW!!! (clutching head)

 13

Voldemort: AH CHOO!

Harry: Oh jeeze! Oh my God!

Quirrel: I must be going!

Voldemort: (as walking off stage) AH CHOO! A CHOO!!! A CHO!

Quirrel: Ive simply farted once more. (exits Stage Right)

Dumbledore: According to the newly resurrected house cup a champion from each house must
be selected to compete. So Snape, will you do us the honors please?

Snape: (emerging from upstage center) Yes headmaster. First, from the Ravenclaw house, Miss
Cho Chang.

Cho-Chang: Oh my god I won! I cant believe they called me.

Snape: Next from Hufflepuff, Mr. Cedric Diggory.

Cedric: Well, I dont find this surprising at all!

Cho-Chang: I find this perfect, now I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend.

Cedric: Im glad as well, my darling. (kisses her on the head)

Snape: Next from the Slytherin House, Draco Malfoy.

Draco: (standing then running and falling on Harry) HA! Ive finally beat you, Potter! What do
you think of that?! Im the champion this time! (falls on ground)

Dumbledore: Draco, will you sit down you little shit! Champions just a title!

Snape: And finally from the Gryffindor house, oh my. Well isnt this curious? The one person in
all of Hogwarts who I have a well known grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he
may, very well loose his life.

Neville: (standing) If its me Ill apologize to my fellow Gryffindor right now for loosing.

Snape: Sit down you inarticulate bumble, its Harry Potter.

(Harry triumphantly does rocker hands)

Ron: WOO! WOOO! WOOO!!!

 14

Dumbledore: Well, here they are folks, the four Hogwarts champions and I want all of you to
start preparing immediately because the first task is in two months and it could be anything. So
lets get to it!

(All the Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw girls walk off right stage chanting CHO CHANG CHO
CHANG leaving only Harry, Ron and Hermione on the stage, and Malfoy follows chanting
Malfoy as they chant Cho Chang.)

Chang Posse: Cho Chang! Cho Chang! Cho Chang!

Draco: Malfoy! Malfoy! MalfHey! (looks confsed as people ignore him)

Scene 3
(Harry and Ron sit down on the nearby benches and Ron pulls out a Chinese takeout box and
chopsticks and begins snacking again.)

Ron: Harry you got this tournament in the bag!

Harry: I dont know, man. Cedric Diggory, hes pretty awesome. NOT! He sucks! Were totally
in the win! We got this tournament in the bag.

Hermione: I dont know Harry.

Ron: OH MY GOD, HERMIONE, SHUT UP! Why do you have to rain on everybodys parade?

Hermione: Because, Ron, this is dangerous!

Harry: Dangerous? Oh come on, Hermione how dangerous can it be, especially for me?

Hermione: Come on, Harry, someone died in this tournament

Harry: Ughhh Im the boy that lived not died. Whats the worst that could happen?

Hermione: And I dont know about that Quirrel character. You know at first he resurrects some
horrible ancient tournament, then he bumps into you and your scar starts to hurt, and you have to
admit there is something really funky about the back of his head.

Harry: Well think about it. Professor Quirrel is a professor here at Hogwarts. And who hires the
professors?

Harry and Ron: Dumbledore.

Harry: He is the smartest, most awesomest, practical wizard beautiful wizard in the whole
world. Why would he possibly hire somebody thats trying to hurt me?
 15

Hermione: Well what about Snape?

Harry: What about him?

Hermione: Hes hated you for years! And hes hated your parents too, Harry. Everybody knows
that. And he just so happens to pick your name for the house cup out of hundreds if not 5
possible Gryffindors.

Harry: Yeah, what a coincidence. We lucked out.

Hermione: No, Harry, I dont think it is a coincidence. When you defeated Voldemort you made
a lot of enemies. Ones you might not even know about.

Harry: Alright, let me get this straight. Youre saying this tournament is just one big ploy to try
and kill me?

Hermione: I mean, I dont know. Anyway I just think its dangerous and I dont think you
should do it.

Harry: Alright Hermione, if it means that much to you Ill drop out.

Hermione: OH thank you Harry (she hugs him thankfully)

Harry: Ha, no problem.

Ron: Wait, wait, WHAT!? The House Cup!? What about all the eternal glory youd win? Cmon!

Harry: Hey, eternal glory? Ive already got that. And besides, Neville will be a great champion.

Ron: No, no, no, I do not want Schlongbottom to be my champion.

Hermione: Harry, all you have to do is(notices Dumbledore walk by) --oh, look, theres
Dumbledore! Why dont you just talk to him now and tell him that youre dropping out?

Harry: Ughhhhh, listen Hermione, Dumbledore and I are really cool. Were super tight. And I
dont want him to think that I am being lazy or disrespectful or anything. So can you just tell
him? Why dont you tell him! Just tell him that I want to work on school or something, alright?
Hey you got this one.

Hermione: Yeah.

Harry: Youre the best. (pokes her nose)

Hermione: (reluctantly) Alright. (approaches Dumbledore on stage left) Dumbledore?

 16

Dumbledore: Yes, Granger?

Hermione: I need to talk to you for a moment. Its about the House Cup Tournament. Well first
of all I think its an awful idea, but second of all, I dont think that Harry Potter should compete.

Dumbledore: Granger, why do you always have to be such a big old stick in the mud, huh? Pray
tell me why Harry Potter should not compete.

Hermione: Because he wants to study.

Dumbledore: Granger, nobody studies at Hogwarts except for you.

Hermione: Ok well, he wants to focus on the OWLS.

Dumbledore: Why couldnt Harry have told me this himself. He thinks Im cool. Were tight.

Hermione: Professor, Im a really bad liar. I think its a ruse. A setup. And I even think Snape
might be trying to kill Harry Potter.

Dumbledore: Severus Snape is one of the kindest, bravest, sexiest men I have ever met. Severus
Snape is trying to kill Harry Potter just as much as he is trying to kill me!

Snape: (enters stage left) Oh, why Professor Dumbledore. I just happened to be in the kitchen
and I made you this delicious sandwich. (Holds out a sandwich which obviously has a bomb in
it.)

Dumbledore: Ohhh, why thank you Severus! Do you see, Granger? How thoughtful!

Snape: Here you are, professor. Bomb-appetite, I MEAN, Bon-apptit! (Hands Dumbledore the
sandwich, presses a button and runs off as the ticking mechanism starts)

Hermione: Umm. Is that sandwich ticking?

Dumbledore: It looks like its licking: finger licking good.

Hermione: Umm, professor, I dont think you should eat that sandwich.

Dumbledore: Why, Granger, you got to listen to Snape more often, you might even get a
sandwich out of it. (Hermione snatches the sandwich, runs Stage Right and throws sandwich of
stage as it is heard exploding.) Granger, what the Hell? What are you doing? Youve dog-gone
exploded my sandwich!!!!

Hermione: Im sorry sir!

Dumbledore: Even if I did believe that Harry Potter was in danger, he has to compete. You see
that cup? (points to the Cup)
 17

Hermione: Yes.

Dumbledore: Its enchanted. Whosevers name comes out of that cup has to compete or the
results would be bad.

Hermione: What do you mean bad?

Dumbledore: Try to imagine your entire life stopping instantaneously and every molecule in
your body exploding at the speed of light.

Hermione: Total plutonic reversal.

Dumbledore: Yeah, so you see, he has to compete, Hermione. If it makes you feel any better, the
last guy that died in the tournament was a Hufflepuff, so Ill keep my eyes open and nothings
going to get past old Dumbledore.

Hermione: Ok.

Dumbledore: Im going to go make myself another sandwich. Though I dont see how it could
be as good as the last one. The last one ticked!

Hermione: Cause it was a bomb. (goes back to Harry and Ron on the benches) Harry, Im so
sorry, but I think youre going to have to compete in the House Cup Tournament, but dont
worry, I wont rest until Ive found out what the first task is going to be.

Ron: And Ill sabotage all of the other champions so youll win by default.

Harry: Alright, awesome!

(Crabbe, Goyle carrying Draco walk in from stage left)

Draco: Well isnt this touching?

Ron: Oh my God! Just butt out Malfoy. (Goyle puts Draco on the ground but he falls over)

Draco: Goyle and I have a bet you know. He says you wont last 5 minutes in this tournament. I
disagree. I say you wont last 5 minutes at Pigfarts.

Harry: Alright Malfoy, what is Pigfarts?

Draco: Oh? Never heard of it? Hah! Figures! Famous potter doesnt even know about Pigfarts.
(tries to lay on bench but falls off)

Harry: Malfoy, dont pretend you dont want to talk about it. Thats like the 9th time youve
mentioned Pigfarts.
 18

Draco: Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. Its where Im being
transferred next year.

Hermione: Malfoy, Ive never heard of that.

Draco: Thats because Pigfarts is on Mars.

Harry: Alright Malfoy were trying to have a conversation here, so if you could just leave us
alone

Draco: Oh no, Im not even here. (politely)

Harry: Alright anyway, so I think we can find out more about the first task from Dumbledore.

Draco: Dumbledore?! Pfft. What an old coot. Hes nothing compared to Rumbleroar!

Goyle: RUMBLEROAR!

Harry: Anyway like I was saying we can (Malfoy keeps interrupting)

Draco: Rumbleroar is the headmaster at Pigfarts. Hes a lion, who can talk.

Harry: Malfoy if you dont mind were trying to have a conversation here. Its not like your
even eating. Get out of here.

Draco: Well I cant help it if I can hear everything you say. Were the only ones in here.

Harry: Come on, Malfoy, just get out of here. Please?

Draco: Where are we supposed to go?

Harry: Ughh, I dont know, Pigfarts? (sarcastically)

Draco: Oh, hahaha, oh ho. Now youre just being cute. I cant go to Pigfarts. Its on Mars. You
need a rocket ship. Do you have a rocket ship Potter? I bet you do. You know not all of us
inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died. (starts rolling around the
stage again) Look at this! Rocket Ship Potter. Star Kid Potter. Moon Shoes Potter traversing the
galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts!

Harry: Alright thats it. This is the most misguided way to try to make me feel jealous. I dont
care if you make fun of me but if you bring my parents into this its a whole other story.

Draco: Not so fast, Potter! Crabbe! Goyle! (pushes them towards Harry and then hides
underneath a bench)

Harry: Oh sure just

 19

Goyle: BACK OFF NERD!

Harry: Woah, scared! (gets freaked out)

Draco: There! Not so tough now are you, Potter. Maybe you should hang out with someone
better than that lollygagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend.

Hermione: Oh, that is it Malfoy. (points her wand at Crabbe and Goyle) Jelly-legs Jinx!

Draco: (whines) Oh come on!

Goyle: Hey, no fair, my legs are jelly!!

(Hermione has her wand pointed at Malfoy's face, clearly peeved.)

Hermione: Take it back Malfoy!

Draco: Take what back?

Hermione: Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school!

Ron: Yeah and all of that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend, thats not even a little bit
true.

Hermione: AND say youre sorry for calling me a you-know-what!

Draco: Im sorry!

Hermione: And you promise youll never do any of it ever again.

Draco: I promise!

Hermione: All right. (drops Draco) Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it.
(walks back over to Harry and Ron) Cmon Harry, Ron, lets get out of here. Besides, you
already ate all my lunch.

Harry: Thanks Hermione.

Hermione: (points wand at Crabbe and Goyle) Unjellify!

Ron: Wow, that was the most bad ass thing Ive ever seen. Too bad no one was here to see it
though. It was like a outburst of pent-up aggression. It was like AHHH HERMIONEEEEEE!

(Harry, Ron and Hermione walk off Stage Right.)

 20

Goyle: Wow, that sucked royal hippogriff. We got beat by a girl. Who is a nerd.

Draco: (delicately touching nose) I didnt mean what I said you know. Pigfarts is real. Am I
bleeding? Goyle?

(Goyle dives on the ground and smells her nose.)

Goyle: No.

Draco: I thought maybe just a little bit. (still delicately touching nose) Wow, Ive never been
pushed down like that by a girl. Maybe I shouldnt call her a mud..whatever.

Goyle: (to Crabbe) I cant believe I couldnt figure out the counter curse was just Unjellify.

Draco: Right. Im not surprised. Come on lets go watch Wizards of Waverly place. (exits Stage
Right)

Scene 4

Quirrel: (entering stage left) Fools! Theyre all fools! They think theyre safe. They think
theyre back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts. Little do they know the
danger that is lurking right under their nosesor should I say on the back of their head!. (turns
and removes turban to reveal Voldemort)

Voldemort: NARRRRRRRRR!!!! (coughing fit Quirrel leans over to put things away) I cant
breathe in that damn turban!

Quirrel: Im sorry, my lord, but its a necessary precaution. For if they knew that you lived, that
when Harry Potter destroyed you your soul lived on

Voldemort: Yes, that when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the forbidden forest
eating bugs and mushrooms and, ugh, (disgusted face) unicorn blood.

Quirrel: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul.

Voldemort: Yes, nobody must know any of that. Now Quirrel, get me some water. (Quirrel picks
up a bottle of Aquafina.) Now Quirrel pour it in my mouth! (Quirrel obeys.)

Quirrel: Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly, my
liege.

Voldemort: Yes, yes I'm done with the water. We must not have any more foul ups like tonight at
the great hall. (Quirrel puts water away.)
 21

Quirrel: Im sorry my lord, you sneezed.

Voldemort: I know that ! Get me some Nasonex, you swine! (Quirrel picks up a bottle of
Nasonex and squirts it up Voldes nose, then his own.) And wash that turban! It tickles my nose!

Quirrel: Yes my, dark king!

Voldemort: Ok, ok, just relax with the Dark King, okay? I watch you wipe your butt daily.
You can call me Voldemort, were there. Weve reached that point.

Quirrel: Yes, my.Voldemort.

Voldemort: Now Quirrel, get us ready for bed. We must be well rested if we wish to kill potter.
Tonight in the great hall he was so close! I could have touched him. Revenge is at my fingertips,
Quirrel, I can taste it. It tastes like(licking lips)cool mint.

Quirrel: Thats our Listerine, Voldemort.

Voldemort: Yes, excellent. Well, goodnight Quirrel.

Quirrel: Goodnight!

(Quirrel lays down on the bed back down, which smothers Voldes face in the pillow. Voldemort
grunts a few times in discomfort.)

Voldemort: Okay, okay I cant do this. Youve got to roll over. I cant sleep on my tummy.

Quirrel: I always sleep on my back, I have back problems. Its the only way Im comfortable.

Voldemort: (raising voice) You roll over right now or Ill. Ill eat your pillow! Youll be
having a dream that youre eating a giant marshmallow and youll wake up and your favorite
goose feather pillow will be missing!

Quirrel: Fine, well compromise. Well sleep on our side. (they roll onto their sides, Voldemort
facing the chair with robes on it)

Voldemort: Well I guess I can do this.

Quirrel: Goodnight.

Voldemort: Goodnight Quirrel. (notices the clothes on the chair and instantly becomes bothered
by it) Hey Quirrel, how long have those robes been on that chair?

Quirrel: I think theyre from last night. I just put them there for now.

Voldemort: Well are you planning on putting them in a hamper? Whats your plan for these?
 22

Quirrel: I figured I would just leave them there for now and maybe put them away in the
morning, okay?

Voldemort: What? NO! No. Thats not okay. I cant go to sleep knowing that there are dirty
clothes on that chair. The chair will start to smell like dirty clothes!

Quirrel: (tired and slightly whiney tone) Look, I promise Ill put them away in the morning.

Voldemort: You put them away RIGHT NOW! I command you to get up and fold them at
least. Make it into a neat pile.

(They sit up.)

Quirrel: Look if were going to be in this situation for a while were going to have to learn how
to live with each other. Now Ive been single for all of my life and I have some habits. And
sometimes I leave laundry around.

Voldemort: Well I believe that everything has its place. Muggles have their place. Mudbloods
have their place. And so do your clothes. Namely a dresser.

Quirrel: Well, arent we an odd couple. (Standing, Quirrel puts his hands on his hips
indignantly. They begin singing.)

Quirrel:
You won't sleep on your tummy.

Voldemort:
You won't sleep on your back.

Voldemort & Quirrel:

We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree.

Quirrel:
We share some hands and fingers,

Voldemort:
And yet the feeling lingers:

Voldemort & Quirrel:

We're just about as different as anyone could be.

Voldemort:
You like plotting a garden and I like plotting to kill.

Quirrel:
 23

You think that you should rule the world. I think books
are a thrill! Sipping tea by the fire is swell.

Voldemort:
Pushing people in is fun as well. I like folding all my ties.

Quirrel:
And you have no friends, hey thats a surprise. (sarcastic)

Voldemort & Quirrel:

I guess its plain to see when you look at you and me, were different, different, as can be.

Voldemort:
You're a sissy, a twat, a girl! Im the darkest of lords!

Quirrel:
Im the brightest professor here: Ive won several awards!

Voldemort:
My new world is about to unfold.

Quirrel:
You got beat by a two year old.

Voldemort:
I'll kill him this time through and through!

Quirrel:
Or you might just give him another tattoo

Voldemort & Quirrel:

You really must agree when you look at you and me, were different, different as can-

Voldemort:
Ill rise again and Ill rule the world, but you must help me renew. For when our plan succeeds-

Quirrel:
Prevails!

Voldemort:
-Part of that world goes to you.

Quirrel:
When I rule the world Ill plant flowers.

(in unison)

Voldemort:
 24

When I rule the world Ill have snakes and goblins, and werewolves, and giants, and thestrals, a
fleet of dementors, and all my Death Eaters!

Quirrel: And Jane Austen novels!

Voldemort & Quirrel:

When I rule the world!! Ahahahahahahaha!!!! (exit stage left, cackling as they exit)

Scene 5

(Blackout. Lights come back up with Harry and Hermione on a bench Stage Right and Neville
on a bench Stage Left. Harry is playing the guitar.)

Hermione: Harry, dont you think you should try to figure out what the first task is gonna be?
You could actually die if youre not ready.

Harry: What? Cmon I mean, cant you just do it for me? Cant you just prepare all my stuff for
me? I mean, what are you doing right now?

Hermione: Im writing your potions essay.

Harry: Oh! Well, do that first cause thats due tomorrow.

Hermione: Ok.

Harry: After that can you prepare for the first task? Please?

Hermione: (reluctantly)Yeah...

Harry: Thank you! You are the best! (pokes her in the nose and she smiles) You got it. Thanks
Hermione.

(Ginny walks in from Stage Right)

Harry: Hey, Ginny, come here. I want to show you something. Come here.

Ginny: Hey, Harry Potter.

Harry: I want to play you this song Im working on. I met this girl that I really really like and I
want to let her know that shes really special, so I just want to know what you think. Just for the
purposes of now, cause Im still working out the lyrics, so Ill put your name where her name
should be but I dont think its really gonna work out because.well, let me just give it a shot:

HARRY:
 25

Youre tall and fun and pretty.

Youre really, really skinny: Ginny.
Im the Mickey to your Minnie.
Youre the Tigger to my Winnie, Ginny.

Wanna take you to the city,

Gonna take you out to dinney: Ginny.
Youre cuter than a guinea pig.
Wanna take you up to Winnipeg--
thats in Canada!
Ginny, Ginny, Ginny, Ginny---

Harry: You know this song doesn't go with your name AT ALL. I dont know, how does that
make you feel emotionally?

Ginny: Wow, wowee, Harry Potter!

Harry: Do you think it could make a girl fall in love with me?

Ginny: I think it already has. (blushes)

Harry: Really? Awesome! Cause its for Cho-Chang! (starts playing his guitar again)

Ginny: (obviously disappointed) Oh, yeah, shes beautiful. (pouts)

Harry: (flabbergasted) What, are you nuts?! Beautiful? More like super-mega-foxy-awesome-
hot! Hottest girl Ive ever met! Shes far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting
than any girl that I know in my immediate group of friends.

(The Seinfeld theme is heard as Ron enters.)

Ron: (Enters Stage Left and jumps over Nevilles bench, hitting him in the face before reaching
the bench where Harry, Hermione and Ginny are sitting. He starts pushing Ginny and Hermione
out of the way.) Move, move, move! (Hermione and Ginny move over, causing Hermione to fall
off the bench.) Awesome! Hey, Harry. Whats up? So, I was just offstage hanging out with Hagrid
and I saw these delivery wizards bringing giant cages into the dungeon. I dont know what thats
for.
Hermione: (standing) Giant cages? I bet whatever are in those giant cages has something to do
with the first task, Harry. We have to find out what it is.

Harry: Hey, hey, guys. Chill. Im busy. (Starts rocking out on guitar and Ron and Ginny jam
along with him. Hermione walks over and yanks his guitar away.)

Ron: WOOOOAHHHH WOAHHHHHH!!!

Ginny: NONONONONONONONOONO!!!! (screechy whining)

 26

Hermione: Guys, listen, this could be a matter of life and death.

Ron: Well, it doesnt matter cause its after hours, okay? And we cant leave the Gryffindor
House and well probably get in trouble if we do. And even if we do, Schlongbottom over there
(points) will probably tell on us.

Hermione: Neville wont tell.

Neville: Oh, yes I certainly will!

Ron: So what are we going to do?

Hermione: Its simple guys. The cloak.

Ron and Harry: Of course, the cloak. (They stand.)

Ginny: Wait, what cloak?

Ron: Shut up! (Claps in Ginnys face.)

Harry: At my first year of Hogwarts I got a present left to me oh, bye Neville. it was left to
me by my dad. The dad thats dead. My fathers dead. My dead father. We can use it to solve
mysteries and stuff.

(Pulls it out of the trunk.)

My invisibility cloak.

Ginny: (in awe) Oooooohhhh woooowww!!! Wooooowwweeeeeee, Harry Potter! A real

invisibility cloak! Oooh ooh, do you know what I would do if I had an invisibility cloak?!

Harry: Oh, I would kick wiener dogs.

Ron: I would pretend to be a ghost and I would scare people.

Hermione: I would use it to avoid ever having to face my reflection in the mirror.

Ron: Jesus. (mildly creeped out by Hermiones statement)

Ginny: Actually, I was going to say I would use it to fake my own death and watch people cry at
the funeral.

Harry: Ok, anyway! Lets get out of here.

(Everyone gets up and starts walking towards Stage Left.)

 27

Ron: Woahwoahwoahwoah! (pushes Ginny away) Where do you think youre going?

Ginny: With you guys?

Ron: No, no, no. No way no kid sisters allowed, ok? (claps in her face) Besides, theres only
enough room under this cloak for two people so..come on Hermione, come on.

(Hermione hands Ginny the guitar and leaves under the cloak with the boys.)

Ginny:
The way his hair falls in his eyes,
Makes me wonder if hell
Ever see through my disguise.
And Im under his spell.

Everything is falling and I dont know where to land.

Everyone knows who he is but they dont know who I am.

Harry, Harry,
Why cant you see
What youre doing to me?

Ive seen you conquer certain death,

And even when youre just standing there you take away my breath.
And maybe someday youll hear my song
And understand that all along
Theres something more that Im trying to say
When I say

Harry, Harry, Harry

Why cant you see
What youre doing to me?

Quirrel: (entering Stage Right) Master, the shipments from the first tournament have just
arrived.

Voldemort: Yes, I know Quirrel. I hear everything you hear. (Irritated.)

Quirrel: (removes turban) Isnt it wonderful, my lord? Weve made sure that Harry Potters
name has been drawn from the cup and soon he shall be ours.

Voldemort: Yes. This is really happening, isnt it, Quirrel? You know, with the plan going so
well I feel like maybe we should celebrate. What do you say Quirrel, hows about we go out? I
hear its Karaoke night down at the Hogs Head.
 28

Quirrel: I dont know, I have so many papers to grade and Ive been giving so much attention to
this revenge planIm getting really behind.

Voldemort: Cmon Quirrel. Youve been working so hard all year. You deserve a night off.

Quirrel: But the papers!

Voldemort: Oh, give them all B minuses and be done with it.

Quirrel: (gasps) Now thats evil!

Voldemort: (sarcastically)Yeah thanks, I am the Dark Lord. Cmon just a few drinks, then well
try to pick up some chicks.

Quirrel: I wont know what to say Im no good at that.

Voldemort: Cmon itll be fun, you just move your lips and Ill do the talking.

Quirrel: Ughhh. (whines of uncertainty)

Voldemort: (Whines obnoxiously, trying to convince Quirrel.) Quirrel! Man, LISTEN. I may just
be a parasite on the back of your head literally devouring your soul every time you take a breath,
but I can see that youre too good of a guy not to have a bit of fun every once and a while. You
deserve this.

Quirrel: Well, if you put it that way, then yeah! Lets just go wild tonight!

Voldemort: AAAAH!!! Thats the spirit Quirrel! Put on a fresh pair of wizard shorts and grab
yourtunic. Quirrel, (proudly) we are gonna get you laid. Seriously man, back when I had a
body I had mad-game with the bitches. Just ask Bellatrix Lestrange!

(They exit stage left and from Stage Right come Harry, Ron and Hermione under the cloak as
Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle enter right after.The Gryffindor trio is heard mumbling.)

Ron: This cloak isnt as big as it used to be.

Hermione: Shhh! Someones coming.

(Draco pauses and listens intently.)

Draco: Did you just hear something?

Goyle: No. Only quiet. Maybe one raindrop.

Draco: No matter. Tell me Goyle, who do you think is the ugliest girl in the school?
 29

Goyle: Oh, Buckbeak for sure.

Draco: Crabbe?

Crabbe: Winky the house elf.

Draco: Good one. Obscure. You know who I think is the most ugly girl in school? That
Hermione Granger. Do you know what I would give her on a scale of 1 to 10 with 1 being the
ugliest and 10 being very pretty? I would give her(thinking)an 8. An 8.5. or a 9. Not
over a 9.8, because there is always room for improvement. Not everyones perfect like me. Thats
why I am holding out for a 10. Because Im worth it. Come on lets go! (Walks of Stage Rightf,
clearly happy with self.)

Harry: What a bunch of jerks.

Hermione: Forget them. Now where did you say you saw those crates being delivered?

Ron: I think I saw them being delivered to the auditorium, so they should be on the end of this
hallway to the left. (Gestures directions with hands as he talks. They walk in place and the
pillars move. A cardboard goat is seen in the middle of the stage.)

Ron: Look! A goat.

Harry: My God! I have to fight a goat!? I dont know if I can do that morally.

(Snape and Dumbledore enter together.)

Snape: The goats have all been sent for feeding time headmaster.

Dumbledore: Dragons dont want to be fed. They want to hunt.

Harry: Did you just say dragons?! (Quickly shuts up as the others look at him with shotgun
glances.)

Snape: Did you just say did he just say dragons?

(Snape wheels goat off stage and talks to Dumbledore while still off stage.)
Dumbledore: I must have, because anyone else hiding in this room must have known to Shut.
Up. Potter. (Tense and agitiated.)

Snape: Headmaster, do you really think its wise to have children fight dragons?

Dumbledore: No, Snape. I dont think its wise to do anything anymore. Like, here I am alive
and well today and I could very well be killed by you tomorrow.

Snape: (walking back on stage) Why thats absurd.

 30

Dumbledore: Lets go to bed. Have you ever seen my room? (They start to walk away, arm in
arm.)

Snape: No.

Dumbledore: I have some pretty kicking posters on my wall.

(They exit Stage Right.)

Harry: Aww, man! I have to fight a dragon?! This is bogus! How can I fight a dragon? Im just a
little kid.

Ron: Well, maybe it wont be that bad, Harry. Maybe youll just have to fight Mushu from
Mulan. I don't know, maybe, like, Puff the Magic Dragon or something.

Hermione: Ron, this is serious, okay? Harry could die. Look, there is still time. We just need to
figure out a plan.

Harry: Well, we should probably do it back in the common room. Wheres the invisibility
cloak?

Ron: Oh, I threw it on the magical walking chair over there. (Points to nothingness.) Oh crap.

Harry: Oh, thats gonna be an issue.

Scene 6

(Quirrel and Voldemort enter, clearly inebriated.)

Quirrel: I thought walking home drunk was hard before.

Voldemort: (Cealrly drunk.) We should have realized that with both of us drinking into one
belly we would get twice as drunk. Quirrel. Hey Quirrel. Quirrel (drunkenly repeats Quirrels
name several times) You remember that girl we were talking to? Remember that girl we were
talking to? Well I was talking to her sister on my side! (Grinning.)

Quirrel: Oh, so thats why she freaked out when we stood up!

Voldemort: Because she didnt know--

Both: That we were the same person! (Do some ridiculous drunken movements.)
 31

Quirrel: You know, I havent had this much fun since Nearly Headless Nicks (stumbles over
word death) death day party of 91.

Voldemort: I havent had this much fun since.well, shit, I cant remember ever having this
much fun!

Quirrel: You never had fun ever? Doing anything? Maybe thats why youre so evil.

Voldemort: (The more drunk of the two, he is constantly slurring his words.) Yeah maybe.
Definitely has to do with the fact that muggles and mudbloods make me sick to my stomach, but
ahhyeah you could be right I guess. I mean...its kinda funny.

Quirrel: What is it, Voldemort?

Voldemort: Well, its just I never ever (drunkenly repeating never ever in different orders)
considered there to be another reason behind my evi,l you know, cause normally I just kill people
who try to get me to open up. You know? (chuckles) OOPS. But its kinda nice to just talk.

Quirrel: Yeah, I have to admit I was kinda nervous when you first demanded that you attach
yourself to my soul.

Voldemort: Yeah, I could sense that.

Quirrel: But now I think its kinda cool. Its like having a really close roommate or even

Voldemort: Yeah like a slave. Like a Death Eater.

Quirrel: No, man. Its like having a friend.

Voldemort: Ive never had a friend before.

Quirrel: Well, it looks like youve got one now.

Voldemort: Who would have thought that at the beginning of this year we'd feel like that for
each other, huh? I guess everything is different between us now.

(They begin singing a refraindrunkenly.)

Quirrel:
I guess its plain to see
When you look at you and me,
Were different, different
As can be.

Voldemort and Quirrel:

We simply guarantee
 32

When you look at you and me,

Were different, different
As can be.

Quirrel:
Its a comedy of sorts
When youre bound to Voldemort.

Voldemort:
And Im happy as a squirrel
Long as Im with Mr. Quirrel.

Voldemort and Quirrel

Well lead em to the slaughter
And well murder Harry Potter!

Were different, different

Different, different
As can be!

Scene 7

(Snape enters and walks to Center Stage)

Snape: The Hogwarts champions will now enter the tent in preparation for the first task.
(Dramatically runs off stage.)

Harry: (Enters with paper lunch bag in hands.) Aww, man, I cant believe I got to skip lunch
period for this stupid task.

Hermione: Ok, Harry. Todays the day. The day you fight the dragon. Now, did you read those
notes that I wrote for you on dragons?

Harry: No.

Hermione: What, why not?

Harry: You kidding me? They were so boring.

Hermione: So you didnt read them? Youre not prepared at all?

Harry: No. At least I have my wand. (Starts patting self down, spinning, looking around for his
wand. Hermione hands him her wand.)
 33

Hermione: Here.

Harry: Ehhhhh! Youre the best. (Pokes her nose again.)

Hermione: Harry, please dont die today. I dont want to see my best friend get eaten by a
dragon! (Hugs and clings to him.)

Harry: Relax ok. Save the tears for my funeral.

(Cedric walks in with Draco. They are chatting.)

Cedric: So, tell me more of this Pigfarts. I find it to be very interesting.

Draco: Well, while youre there you have to wear your space suit at all times because theres no
atmosphere on Mars. So, if a single docking vador (???) opens youll probably die.

Cedric: My, how dreadful!

Draco: Well, the good news is, if youre a good enough student, Rumbleroar lets you ride around
on his back!

Cedric: And hes the headmaster lion?

Draco: Who can talk.

Cedric: Oh, well. Hello, Harry, how are you feeling today?

Harry: Hey Cedric, Im trying to stay positive.

Cedric: Well good. Im happy to find you in such a state. Miss Granger?

Hermione: Hello?

Cho: (enters the tent, strutting) Sugar pie! (waves cutely at Cedric)

Cedric: My darling! (They kiss.) Was that a kiss for good luck?

Cho: No, that was for being so cotton picking cute! This ones for good luck. (They kiss again.)

Harry: I hate that guy! (To Hermione)

Hermione: Its ok. Harry, youre going to be great today. (Trying so hard to be encouraging.)

Dumbledore: (Entering tent, he turns around, spots Hermione and jumps, startled.) OH GOD!!!
Granger, I thought you were a Bogar!. Im terrified of Bogarts. And what the hHell are you doing
in the champions tent?! Get out of here. 10 more points.
 34

(Hermione rolls her eyes and exits the tent.)

Harry: Thanks Hermione. (sarcastically)

Dumbledore: Are you kids ready to fight a dragon!? Of course not, youre just children. What
the Hell am I thinking? Outside of this tent are thousands upon thousands of screaming fans.
theyre either going to be cheering for youor the dragon, but either way theyre going to be
making some kind of noise. In order for this selection process to be fair Im going to randomly
select a cardboard cutout small size version of the dragon that you are going to be fighting. For
you, Cedric, Puff the Magic Dragon. (Hands it to Cedric.) Figment the Imaginary Dragon
(Hands it to Cho). The Reluctant Dragon (Hands it to Draco). And for you, Potter, the Hungarian
horntail, the most terrifying thing Ive seen in my whole life! Well, if there are no more
complaints then I-

Harry: Wait, hold on a second! This is terrifying those are the cutest things I have ever seen.

Dumbledore: (Picking up Figment) This thing is horrifying. Just use your imagination.
Disapparate!

Ron: (Enters Stage Right) My God this competitions gonna suck. All these dragons are wimps.
Accio double stuff. (Puts Oreo cookie in his mouth.) Oh my God!!! Is that yours? (Points to the
Horntail, both in horror and amazement.)

Harry: Yeah!

Ron: Oh my God, thats awesome! I want to hold it. This thing is terrifying. I hope the real thing
is smaller. Ferocious. What are you going to do?

Harry: I dont know. Im not cut out for this thing. Thats gonna kill me.

Hermione: Ron, you cant be in here this is the champions tent.

Snape: (Enters tent.) Miss Granger, what the devil are you doing in the champions tent? 10
points from Gryffindor.

Ron: Thanks Hermione. Good luck, buddy. (Pats harry on the shoulder.) Bye Snape.

Snape: Bye. Cedric Diggory, now is your chance to face your dragon.

Cedric: All right fellas wish me luck.

Cho: I believe in you.

Cedric: Thats all I needed to hear. (Prances off to face his dragon.)
 35

Harry: Hey, Malfoy, guess what. Ill let you switch dragons with me. Ill give YOU the chance
to switch dragons with ME. Ill tell you what, dont even worry about it. Gimme your dragon.

Draco: Ummm, let me think about it. NO.

Harry: Hey! Ill give you my gushers.

Draco: Oh no, no, no. I have a fruit by the foot. (Is not falling for Harrys poorly attempted
trick.)

Snape: Cho Chang! Your dragon awaits.

Cho: Well, I cant imagine this would be very hard.

Snape: Then I imagine it wont be. (He skips off.)

Harry: Malfoy, cmon. Ill throw in my teddy grams with the gushers. You can make little
gusher teddy gram sandwiches.

Draco: Alright, you throw in that pack of bugles and youve got yourself a deal.

Harry: Absolutely not.

Snape: Draco Malfoy. Your turn. (Draco struts off.)

Harry: Professor Snape! Is there any way that I could forfeit or switch dragons or maybe just
take the day off? (Snape starts pouring ketchup on him.) What? What are you doing, what is
that!?

Snape: Im protecting you, Potter. Welsh Greenbacks cant stand the taste of Huntz tomato
ketchup.

Harry: But Im not fighting a Welsh Greenback, Im fighting a Hungarian Horntail.

Snape: Oh, silly me, Huntz tomato ketchup is what Hungarian Horntails love best of all. Hurry
up, Potter!

Dumbledore: (offstage) And now Harry Potter will battle the terrifying Hungarian Horntail, the
most terrifying thing youll ever see your whole life. It should be noted that this particular
dragon has not been fed in 2 weeks.

(Hermione and Ron can be heard offstage cheering for Harry as he enters the dragon arena. The
dragon head appears on Stage Right as Harry gets to Center Stage and ambushes him, catching
him in its mouth. Harry pulls himself free, attempts to compose himself but is obviously
somewhat panicked. On impulse, he reaches for his wand.)
 36

Harry: Accio guitar!

(He begins signing.)

Harry:
Hey, dragon
You dont gotta do this.
Lets reevaluate our options,
Throw away our old presumptions,
Cause really,
You dont wanna go through this.

Im really not that special.

The Boy Who Lived is only flesh and bone.
The truth is, in the end,
Im pretty useless without friends.
In fact, Im alone.
Just like now.
But anyhow,

I spend my time at school

Trying to be this cool guy
I never even asked for.
I dont know any spells
Still manage to do well,
But theres only so long that can last for.
Im living off the glory
Of some stupid childrens story
I had nothing to do with.
I just sat there and got lucky,
So level with me buddy.
I cant defeat thee,
So, please dont eat me
All I can do
Is sing this song for you.

Lalalalala

Dragon:
Rarararara

Harry:
Lalalalala Lalala

Harry: (speaking) Thats right Dragon.

 37

Harry:
You never asked to be a dragon.
I never asked to be a champion.
We both just jumped on the band wagon,
But all we need is guitar jamming.

Harry:
Lalalalala

Dragon:
Rarararara

Harry:
Lalalalala Lalala

(speaking) Goodnight, Dragon.

(Blackout.)

Scene 8
(The lights come back up on Snape as he walks on stage, holding a Yule Ball wreath, preparing
to make an announcement.)

Snape: Attention all Hogwarts students. Tonight is our annual Yule ball, so please remember to
pick up your Yule Ball wreath and give it to that special someone.

(Ginny enters Stage Right and walks towards Snape. Snape turns around and is startled by
Ginnys presence.)

Snape: Ah! Ginger! (Throws wreath at her. She catches it and looks quizzically at in. Harry
enters Stage Left, then the lightbulb goes off in Ginnys head.)

Ginny: Oh, hey, Harry Potter.

Harry: Oh, hi Ginny!

Ginny: Fancy seeing you here.

Harry: Well, its the cafeteria, so yeah.

Ginny: So, the Yule ball is coming up.

Harry: Yeah, I know it is. Very soon.

 38

Ginny: Well, were you thinking of going with anybody?

Harry: I was! I was actually waiting for the right time to ask somebody but I think that time is
right now so if you got something to say just get it out cause-

Ginny: AHHHHH! (Holds out wreath out to Harry.)

Harry: Oh, is this for me? Oh, Ginny how did you know that I needed a wreath so I could ask
Cho Chang, youre the best!

Ginny: (Cealrly devastated at his obtuseness.) Oh, Harry Potter, just forget it!

Harry: Alright, I will! Cool! Hey, Cho Chang listen. I know the Yule ball is coming up and I was
wondering if, maybe, you wanted to go with me, but just in case youre kind of on the fence
about it. You should know that I play guitar and that I conquered that dragons heart with it, so I
think I can conquer yours.

Harry:
You're tall and fun and pretty.
You're really, really skinny:
Cho Chang!

Wanna take you to the city,

Get all up in your titties:
Cho Chang!

You're cuter than a guinea pig.

I wanna take you up to Winnipeg--
That's in Canada!

Cho, Cho, Cho, Cho, China

Ching Chong Cho Chang!

(Hands her the wreath.)

Cho: Well, Harry Potter, bless your heart. But that young strappin' boy Cedric Diggory already
asked me and I agreed to go with him. Sorry. (She hands the wreath back to Harry then turns to
her posse.) Come on girls, lets go show Moaning Myrtle our ball gowns and make fun of her
because she cant go. (All the girls giggle and run off.)

Ron: (Enters Stage Right.) Hey there, buddy! How you doing?

Harry: Oh, hey!

Ron: Is that a Yule Ball wreath?

 39

Harry: Yeah.

Ron: Who you gonna ask?

Harry: Well, I asked Cho Chang, but she turned me down for Cedric Stupory.

Ron: Oh my God, theyre going together? Thats so great! I love him so much they are so cu-

Harry: No, no!

Ron: Oh my God, I hate him so much! He pisses me off! Wow. Oh man. That sucks, dude. I
dont know why she turned you down. Youre like the coolest guy in school.

Harry: I dont know! I dont get it! I play the guitar! Im Harry Potter! Im awesome.

Ron: Reeces Pieces?

Harry: Yeah...I guess Ill just go stag.

Ron: me too. The only two girls that I know that dont have dates already are Ginny and
Hermione, and Im not going with my stupid sister.

Harry: and I think of Hermione as a sister so thats out.

Ron: We are in such a puzzle.

Harry: What a conundrum.

Neville: My look at these strapping young men.

Harry and Ron: Hey, Neville!

Harry: Hey, Neville. Want this Yule Ball wreath?

Neville: Oh, yeah! If you're willing to part with it, then I will take this wreath.

Harry: Hey, Ron lets go hang out with Hagrid. He can teach us how to dance, then we can get
into our dress robes.

Ron: That can only lead to disaster and hilarity! Lets go! I just dont know about Hermione,
though. I dont think shes going to go cause shes just so butt ugly.

Harry: Hideous. (They exit Stage Right.)

 40

Goyle: (Walks in from Stage Left.) Give that plant nerd! (Grabs wreath and Neville runs away
screaming.)

Neville: NO!

Goyle: Oh, Goyle rules!

Draco: (Entering Stage Left with Crabbe.) Anyways, it was reluctant enough at first but then I
lured it out of its cage with an upside down face and I lassoed it with my fruit by the foot and
beheaded it with a quick slicing charm! Bloody fool. What? GOYLE? What are you doing with
that wreath? What are you going to ask someone to the Yule Ball?

Goyle: (Drops wreath.) No. Dancings for nerds!

Crabbe: And pretty girls.

Draco: Thats right! You know who the last girl is Id ever ask to go to the Yule Ball with me?
That Hermione Granger. Not even if we were the last two people on Earth and she looked
absolutely stunning in her ball gown so every time I looked at her Id get butterflies in my
tummy. Not even then. You know, they dont even have dances at Pigfarts. All the noise would
disturb Rumbleroars slumbering cubs.

Goyle: Dancing is for pansies.

Draco: Right. (Pansy enters Stage Left. Draco notices her.) Hey, you there, whats your name!?

Pansy: Pansy.

Draco: Perfect! (Walks up to her with the wreath and hands it to her.) Youre going to the Yule
Ball with me. You see that dragon? Well it was reluctant enough at first, but I lured it out of its
cage with..

(They all exit Stage Left.)

Scene 9

(Quirrel enters Stage Left with a bowl of punch and a punch ladle, looking rather suspicious as
he does so.)
 41

Quirrel: Yule Ball decorating crew. Just the Yule Ball decorating crew coming through. Last
minute decorations. (He puts the punch on table.) My Lord, the Yule ball has finally arrived and
Ive brought the key!

Voldemort: Yes, I know Quirrel, I hear everything you hear!

Quirrel: Im sorry.

Voldemort: No, Im sorry. I shouldnt have snapped. Im just nervous thats all.

Quirrel: Nervous, why?

Voldemort: I dont want to talk about it.

Quirrel: Hey, its just me. You can tell me anything, you know that.

Voldemort: Yeah, yeah, youre right. Im just nervous because weve been planning this night
for so long and I want everything to go perfectly, you know?

Quirrel: Dont worry. Weve mapped out everything. Weve anticipated every little problem and
compensated for it. Weve even prepared what you're going to say to potter when you see him.
Just cool down. Relax. By the end of the night youll have your revenge and your body back.

Voldemort: Yup. Youre right, youre right. Im being, silly. But, you know, Quirrel over the last
year Ive really grown attached to you. No pun intended.

Quirrel: Yeah, I know what you mean. But hey, well still hang out. Just because we wont be
attached doesnt mean well be two completely different people. No pun intended.

Voldemort: No, no, of course not, of course not. Hey Quirrel, we should make plans.

Quirrel: Evil plans?

Voldemort: No casual plans! Like umm, we could go rollerblading on a Saturday and then see a
movie at night.

Quirrel: Yeah. It will be great cause well both be able to watch it for a change.

Voldemort: Yeah. I bet it will be nice to sleep in our own bedsnot have someone behind you all
the time

Quirrel: And have the privacy of my old life back again. The solitude.

(They both sigh in dissatisfaction.)

Voldemort: Well, whatever happens tonight man, its been a blast!

 42

Quirrel: Yeah! One crazy year! Hey, promise well go rollerblading and see that movie!

Voldemort: Oh man. I promise.

(Quirrel hugs self.)

Voldemort: Ok, Quirrel. Lets go plant that key and split! Pun intended!

(Quirrel puts his turban back on and Snape enters Stage Right.)

Snape: Why, Professor Quirrel, what are you doing in the great dance hall just moments before
the dance?

Quirrel: Just decorating for the Yule Ball. Last minute decorations. Just one final touch. (Drops
the ladle in the punch bowl.)

Snape: A ladle?

Quirrel: A very special ladle, for a very special night, for a very special punch.

Snape: And whats so special about it?

Quirrel: Lets just say theres Squirt in it.

Snape: SQUIRT? Is that not the favorite drink of one Harry Potter?

Quirrel: Is it? I had no idea. Well, wed better be going.

Snape: We?

Quirrel: I-I better be going! Loud music hurts my ears.

Snape: Ok. Well, Ill see you later then!

Quirrel: Or maybe you wont.

Snape: Or maybe I will! (Glares almost accusingly at Quirrel as Quirrel opens the door on
Stage Left. As he does so, Snape tries to exit Stage Right, but Dumbledore walks in through the
door, bumps into Quirrel and attempts to stop Snape from leaving.)

Dumbledore: Excuse me, it was my fault. HEY, SEVERUS!

Snape: Oh, Headmaster!

Dumbledore: What are you doing here? Getting some punch, are you?
 43

Snape: No, theres squirt in that!

Dumbledore: Oh, only Harry Potter likes that hog shit. Ill stick to my Red Bull, thank you very
much!

Snape: Well, goodnight headmaster! (Curtseys.)

Dumbledore: Severus, I saved this last dance for you.

Snape: I would, Headmaster, but you see, an old friend is coming back into town tonight.
(Giggles and prances offstage.)

Scene 10

(All the people dressed up for the Yule Ball walk in and start to dance.)

Harry: Hey, Ron!

Ron: Hey, whats up? Have you seen Hermione anywhere?

Harry: No, I havent, why?

Ron: No, its nothing. I just heard Parvati Patel tell Padma Patel that she had seen Hermione in
the girls locker room right before this, just crying her eyes out in the bathroom stall.

Harry: Crying? Why?

Ron: I dont know, isnt that just the saddest thing youve ever heard? I mean I dont know it
was inevitable that one day Hermione would realize that no guy would ever like her because of
her obnoxious personality and ugly face and misshapen body, but you know, I figured she would
get in at least one night of happiness before she realized she was going to be growing old alone,
you know?

Draco: (Overhears them talking.) Hey, you two over here talking about Granger?

Harry: Malfoy, get out of here. Its none of your business. Why dont you just go dance with
Pansy over there?

Draco: (Looks over at Pansy.) Hey, go get me some punch.

Pansy: Ok! (Cheerful tone.) Wait, I should tell you theres Squirt in it.

Draco: Squirt?! Nevermind, Ill stay dehydrated. Go powder your nose or something.
 44

Pansy: I just fixed my makeup a little while ago.

Draco: Trust me, you need more powder. (Pansy walks away, somewhat unphased but still
upset. Draco then directs his attention to Harry and Ron.) Pain in the ass, right? So anyway,
noticed Grangers not around here. Probably for the better too. Nobodyd be able to keep their
hummus and pita chips down with that ugly mug of hers dodging about.

Ron: God, why dont you just give her a break for once, Malfoy?

Draco: Why defending her, Weasley? Have a crush?

Ron: No! Wild insults, Malfoy. Covering up a crush?

Draco: Oh, right, like Id ever have a crush on that stupid-

Cho: OH MY GOD!!!

(Hermione walks out from behind a pillar in her ball gown.)

Cho: She looks beautiful! Bless her heart!

(Granger Danger begins.)

Ron:
Here I am face to face
With a situation
I never ever thought Id see.
Strange how a dress
Can take a mess
And make her nothing less than
Beautiful to me.

I feel like my eyes have been transfigured.

Something deep inside has changed.
They've been opened wide, but hold that trigger.
This could mean danger.

I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love.

I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love
with Hermione Granger.

Draco:
What? What the Hell is this?
You expect me to sing about her?
Don't care about her.
 45

It's just a little makeup.

Draco, wake up.
Im mistaken.
She is the hottest girl I've ever seen
Now because she's like a girl I've never seen.
Don't know why Id ever be so mean.
This could mean DANGER!
I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love.
I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love
With Hermione Granger.

Ron and Draco: I wanna let her know

Draco: I feel so queasy.
Ron and Draco: But I cant let it show
Ron: Shed laugh. Poor Weasley! Come on Ron!
Draco: Draco!
Together: You gotta let it go! You gotta let it go!

(Draco and Ron sing this next part together in unison. See underlined lyrics.)

Draco:
WHAT? What the hell is this!? (Covers his crotch.)
I want to sing about her,
Sing about her.

I want to make up
Granger, wake up.
Ive been mistaken.

She is the hottest girl I've ever seen

Now, because she's like a girl I've never seen.
Don't know why Id ever be so mean.
This could mean DANGER!

RON:
Here I am face to face
With a situation
I never thought Id see.
Strange how a dress
Can take a mess
And make her nothing less than
Beautiful to me.
I feel like my eyes have been transfigured.
Something deep inside has changed.
They've been open wide, but hold that trigger
This could mean DANGER!
 46

Together:
I'm falling in love, falling in love, falling in love
I could be falling in love, falling in love, falling in love
With Hermione Granger.
With Hermione Grander.
With Hermione Granger.
DANGER!

Scene 11
(Draco runs offstage with his hand over his crotch.)

Ron: Oh my God, I cant believe it!

Harry: Cant believe what?

Ron: I cant believe shes dancing with every guy but me. That is so stupid.

Harry: Why do you care, man?

Ron: I dont! I dont care. And thats what Im going to go up and tell her. Im going to say I
dont care what you do and shes going to feel so damn stupid. She is going to feel like such an
idiot.

Harry: Listen, Ron, youre acting like a real jerk. Maybe you should take it easy on the
butterbeer. (Harry tries to grab the butterbeer bottle out of Rons hand but Ron pulls it away.)

Ron: No, no!

Hermione: Hey guys!

Harry: Hey Hermione, you look great! You look wonderful!

Hermione: Hey, thanks! You know what, I used to think that looks werent important and now I
think theyre more important than anything. Oh, Im having so much fun dancing with everyone!

Ron: Wow, Hermione when did you become so shallow? When?

Hermione: What is wrong with you Ron?

Ron: (Maliciously.) Nothing! Nothings wrong with me, but why dont you go ask Shlongbottom
to dance? Go do it.

Hermione: You know what? Maybe I will! (Walks off indignantly.)

Ron: I showed her. I showed her so good!

 47

Harry: Wait a second. Wait a hot second! I know whats going on here! Youve got a crush!

(Ron tries to deny it, but shakes his head yes.)

Harry: Alright Ron. Listen to me, pal. Just some advice: call me crazy, but girls dont really like
it when youre angry at them, much less if you shout at them. Now, maybe if you just go over
there and tell her how much you care about her, maybe shed ask you to dance.

Ron: What!? No! Cause then shed know that I liked her. And you always know that you cant
tell a girl that you like them cause it makes you look like an idiot!

Harry: I know you look like an idiot! Any time you tell a girl you like her you look dumb, that is
inevitable. But listen, its something you have to do. And what do you have to lose? I bet she
wants to dance with you just as much as you want to dance with her. You just got to give it a
chance. You need to grow the guts to say anything.

(Harry starts to walk away, leaving Ron to his thoughts and butterbeer.)

Ron: Where are you going? Im still sad!

Harry: Hold on! This sage needs to take his own advice pal! Hey Ginny!

Ginny: Oh hey Harry.

Harry: Can I sit down?

Ginny: Oh sure!

Harry: So, ummm, hows Hogwarts?

Ginny: You know, its okay. I was actually really excited to come here but now that Im here I
just dont think that I belong.

Harry: Oh, yeah, I totally know what you mean!

Ginny: Um, no you dont. Youre Harry Potter!

Harry: Yeah, I know, but for 11 years I was this dumb kid who got the crap kicked out of him
and lived in a cupboard under the staircase when all of a sudden theyre like, YOURE A
WIZARD! YOU HAVE ALL THESE POWERS!, and everyone thinks Im cool all of a sudden.
Its weird. Its kind of isolating. Sorry. Sorry Im complaining about being famous. Im sorry.

Ginny: I understand. Its like when you first got here: nobody wanted to get to know you
because they thought that they knew you already, but eventually youll find people that will want
to get to know you for the real you.
 48

Harry: You know what, Ginny I feel like I already have friends but I take them for granted. So
tell you what, cmon you want to dance? Its the whole point of the evening.

Ginny: Ok.

Harry: I got to warn you, I got all of my best dance moves from Hagrid, so Im not that great.

Ginny: Im sure youll be fine. (They get out on the dance floor together and start dancing.)
Whoa, Harry Potter. I dont care what anyone says, youre the best dancer that ever was.

Harry: Got a confession to make right here: these shoes Im wearing, they are magical
enchanted dancing shoes.

Ginny: Oh woweee!

Harry: (Chortles.) Im just messing with you. Im just awesome at dancing. (He dips her.)

(Meanwhile, off on Stage Left, Ron karate chops Hermione and Neville apart mid-dance,
butterbeer still in hand.)

Ron: Hiya! When you dance with Neville is when you cross the line. (To Neville.) Take this!
(Hands him the butterbeer bottle.) Beat it. Get out! (To Hermione.) Come here. Come here! (He
starts roughly grabbing her by the arm, semi-drunk.)

Hermione: Why are you being so mean to me?!

Ron: Im not being mean!

Hermione: Oww! Yes you are! You know, every day everyone is trying to put me down and on
the one day I feel like a person youre trying to ruin it! (Clearly pissed off.)

Ron: Holy shit! (Very taken aback.)

Hermione: What is wrong with you Ron? (Angrily.)

(Draco overhears the spat, and in a vain display of chivalry he enters and begins confronting
Ron.)

Draco: HEY WEASLEY!!! The lady said no!

Hermione: (Doubly frustrated.) Not. You. Too. You know what? I am so sick of both of you. I
hate you both! (She slaps both of them across the face, causing both of them to whimper, and
hold their noses. Malfoy is surprised and confused at this reaction and Ron is still semi-drunk.)

Draco: What did you say to her?!

 49

Ron: Nothing!

Both: Im bleeding! Look at this! (They both whimper and repeat the same technique that
Malfoy displayed earlier when threateneddelicately touching the nose, then looking at the
hand and repeating.)

(Meanwhile, on Stage Right.)

Harry: You know, Ginny, Im getting kind of dizzy.

(They stop dancing.)

Ginny: Well, maybe we should stop spinning.

Harry: We have stopped spinning.

(Ginny and Harry kiss, but then Harry suddenly realizes what he just did and panics.)

Harry: Wait, no! N-n-n-n-no! I cant do this! Youre Ginny Weasley! Youre my best friends
little sister. Youre Ron Weasley's sister. Im sorry, Ginny, I cant do this. Im sorry.

(She runs off crying. Harry then rebounds over to Cho Chang who is currently dancing with
Cedric.)

Harry: Hey, Cho! Hey! Come on, dance with me, Im Harry Potter! Lets go!

Cedric: Excuse me, I believe I was dancing with the lady!

Harry: And Im cutting in so.

Cedric: Well, I find that to be very rude!

Harry: Alright, why dont we find out what the lady has to say about it!

Cho: Oh, boys, theres no need to fight over little old me. But by the way, Cedric said you
cheated on the dragons test.

Harry: Cheated!? Are you kidding me, that thing was trying to eat me. I was in its mouth!

Cedric: Exactly! What went on in there? Id like to find out.

Harry: That is it Diggory, we are dueling! Lets go!

Cho: Oh, Godrics Hallow, all this excitement is making me thirsty!

 50

Harry: Oh, Cho Ill get you something to drink. Ill get you punch!

Cedric: No Ill get the punch!

Harry: No Ill get the punch!

Cedric: Fine, have the punch! (He punches harry in the face.)

Harry: Cedric Diggory, Im gonna kill you!!! (He grabs the ladle and hits Cedric with it. Cedric
then grabs it and they both get teleported. Everybody else runs off stage as the scene changes.)

Scene 12

(Harry and Cedric fall to the ground and are suddenly in what appears to be a graveyard. They
are both disoriented.)

Cedric: Where are we? (He stands up.)

Harry: (Agitated.) I dont know, Cedric. Someone punched me in the face and my sense of
direction got goofed up!

Cedric: Well, it seems clear to me now that that punch ladle was a port key. And now, thanks to
you, we have been transported to some mystery location.

Harry: Brilliant Cedric. Well, youre a Hufflepuff. Why dont you FIND your way out of this
situation?

Cedric: Harry, I think I found something! It appears to be a headstone. We must be in some kind
of graveyard. (Reading from the stone.) Tom Riddle, Mary Riddle, Thomas Riddle...riddle me
this, eh Potter?

Harry: Cedric, I dont know about this place. I think we got to get out.

Cedric: Harry, youre a Gryffindor. Wheres your sense of adventure?

Harry: Cedric, youre so annoying! Youre just like this guy whos around all the time when I
dont need a guy around. Youre this spare guy all the time. Youre just a spare dude. Youre such
a spare!

Voldemort: Kill the spare! (Quirrel appears Stage Left with his wand drawn.)

Quirrel: Avada Kadavra!

Cedric: So many regrets. Im dead. (He dies.)

 51

Harry: Oh my Wizard God!

Quirrel: Not so fast! Petrificus totalis!

Harry: Professor Quirrel! You just killed Cedric!

Quirrel: Not I, Potter, but perhaps youd like to see who did! Hes dying to see you!
(He removes turban and Voldemort screeches.)

Voldemort: Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived! Its good to see you again.

(Snape appears with a cauldron, but hes in Death Eater garb, so you cant actually see his face.)

Snape: Your cauldron is ready, My Lord!

Harry: Cauldron? What are you going to do, eat me? Thats gross!

Voldemort: As delicious of a dish I think that would be, Id need a stomach of my own to be
able to digest it, and I havent got one of those. Yet.

(Quirrel and Voldemort jump into cauldron and Snape loads it with other miscellaneous items.
He then cuts off his own hand with a giant dagger.)

Snape: AHHHHHHH!!!! (He shrieks in pain.)

(Another Death Eater cuts Harry's arm open.)

Snape: Stop struggling. Detention, Potter!

Harry: Detention? Jeeze, this guy is almost as big of an asshole as Snape is!

(Quirrel jumps out of the cauldron, but no Voldemort is attached to him.)

Quirrel: It worked!

(Voldemort rises inside of the cauldron, shrieks again, and then jumps out. After jumping out, he
takes a few steps, clearly enjoying every one he takes. He then begins to sing.)

Voldemort:
When I was a boy,
An orphan boy,
Id love to move my feet.
Id hear a tune and start to swoon.
My life would seem complete.

The other boys would laugh and jeer,

 52

But Id catch 'em tappin their toes

Cause when Id start to sway, theyd get carried away,
And oh, how the feeling grows.

Id take my foot--
My little foot--
And with that foot
Oh, how Id start to shake.

Id take two feet--

Two tiny feat--
Hey look! Thats neat!
Its coming true.
I finally get to dance again! Wahoo!

To dance again,
Ive been waiting all these years
To dance again.
Now, at once, a chance appears
To hear the beat, so on your feet,
Its time to dance again!

(spoken) Cmon, Potter! Imperio!

You take your foot

Your little foot
Hey look! Your foot!
See how it starts to shake!

Quirrel:
Ooh, try his arms!
How bout a twirl?
Hes like a girl!
How overdue!
I finally get to dance again with you!

Voldemort and Quirrel:

To dance again!
Ive (youve) been waiting all these years
To dance again.
Now at once a chance appears:
Its lovely swaying and the musics playing,
So come on, lets dance again!

Voldemort: Everybody!
 53

Death Eaters:
I take my foot!

Voldemort: You take your foot!

Death Eaters:
My little foot!

Voldemort: Take that little foot!

Death Eaters:
And oh my foot!

Voldemort: Lemme hear it now!

Death Eaters:
Look how it starts to shake!
Oh, Voldys back!

Voldemort: Hello world!

Death Eaters:
For the attack!

Voldemort: Im gonna getcha!

Death Eaters:
Hell take over the world, its true,
But first theres something hes gotta do!

All:
He'll dance again!
Hes been waiting all these years
To dance again.
Now at once a chance appears

Death Eaters and Voldemort:

Everybody make way

Voldemort:
For a pas de bourre

All:
It's time to dance,
It's time to dance,
Its time to dance again!
 54

(Voldemort runs around high-fiving all of his Death Eaters, and suddenly Bellatrix Lestrange
enters from offstage being loud and boisterous.)

Bellatrix: My Dark Lord!

(Voldemort turns Stage Right and walks in that direction towards voice.)

Voldemort: Bellatrix Lestrange!!!

Bellatrix: Oh, My Liege! How its going to be just like the old days. Nothing but torture,
murder, and making love.

(Voldemort twirls Bellatrix into his arms and dips her.)

Voldemort: Hahaha! Oh the old days are back, baby! (He motorboats Bellatrix and she cackles.)

Bellatrix: I cant tell you what it was like without you.

Voldemort: Well Im never going again

(Voldemort drops Bellatrix on ground.)

Bellatrix: Oh!

Voldemort: Cuz Ive concurred death! (Walks away from Bellatrix Stage Left) And my first
pleasure will be to kill Harry Potter!

(Bellatrix stands up and goes to stand beside Voldemort.)

Next is to take over the Ministry of Magic and rule the world FOR ALL TIME!!! AH
HAHAHAHA!!!
Bellatrix: (clapping hands excitedly) And you will, My Lord! But not yet. For now, you must
stick to the plan. We blame Potters death on Quirrel so that your return may remain a secret. The
Death Eaters arent prepared to take on the entire Ministry of Magic, much less Dumbledore and
the Order of the Phoenix. (She walks Stage Right away from Voldemort.)

Quirrel: Im sorry, what was that about me going to Azkaban for Potters murder?

(Voldemort looks at Quirrel with shocked/guilty expression. Bellatrix is offended.)

Bellatrix: (Peeved.) Oh! You shall refer to him as My Lord,My Liege, or My DARK Lord
ONLY!

(Voldemort moves to stop Bellatrix by putting arm around her shoulders.)

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Voldemort: Oh no no! Bellatrix! Its-its cool. (pause) Quirrels cool. Quirrels cool. (walks
toward Quirrel) Hes-over the last year hes proven himself to be a very good fr(freezes)
(Wistful music starts. Quirrel looks expectantly for Voldemort to finish his sentence. Voldemort
looks around in an uncomfortable sort of internal panic.)

(To Bellatrix) a very good servant to the will of the Dark Lord.

Quirrel: Oh, I see. So youre Thomas Jefferson and Im your Sally Hemmins.

Voldemort: No, Quirrel, thatthat came out wrong. (Walks to Quirrel.) Its not like that.

Quirrel: Isnt it?

Bellatrix: Uh! Silence, slave! Crucio!

(She casts the curse. Quirrel falls to ground screaming like a woman. Voldemort rushes to stop
Bellatrix then looks at Quirrel with shocked concern. Quirrel makes crying/moaning noises.)

Bellatrix: HA! Haha! (to Voldemort) Whats the matter? Hes your pawn! You are his Queen!
(Voldemort looks as if saying whoa, wait a minute. What?)

Bellatrix: It is an HONOUR to serve the Dark Lord NO MATTER WHAT THE TASK!

(Voldemort has been poorly trying to cover his concern. Blank-ish faced, he walks over to
Quirrel, then quickly bends down to him.)

Voldemort: Are you all right? (fidgets)

Quirrel: Did you really know the whole time you were going to blame Potters murder on me?

Voldemort: (wincing) Yesyes Iknew but things have changed over the last year. I feel
differently now.
(Voldemort tries to put his hand on Quirrels shoulder, but Quirrel jerks away violently.)

Quirrel: (nasty) Dont touch me!

Voldemort: How do I explain this? Its-itsits like that movie Shes All That! You remember?
We watched that together. Well, ah, you know how at the end Freddy Prince Junior turns out to
be good.

Quirrel: (sitting up) No. I didnt see the end because you were watching it while you were on
the back of my head SUCKING MY SOUL!

(Voldemort slowly stands up as Quirrel says his last bit. You can tell hes shocked and hurt by
Quirrels words, but it turns to anger as he walks away towards Bellatrix.)
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Voldemort: Well I wish there was another way, but Ive got to take over the world.

Quirrel: Well, there it is. (stands up) Ill let you know now that its gonna be pretty hard to make
that rollerblading date from Azkaban.

(Voldemort looks at Quirrel in shock and is hurt again.)

Bellatrix: (snapping fingers) Death Eaters! Take him away.

(Death Eaters rise and escort Quirrel off Stage Right. Voldemort looks very upset. Bellatrix
grabs his shoulders while standing next to him. She puts her right hand on his cheek to turn his
face to her.)

Bellatrix: And now you have what youve waited for for so long.

Voldemort: (short) What?

Bellatrix: (Somewhat surprised at his lack of focus.) Your chance to kill Harry Potter.

Voldemort: Yeskill Potter!

(Voldemort circles around Bellatrix and raises wand, but Harrys nowhere to be seen.)

Voldemort: A- whered he go?

(Bellatrix shrugs. Harry appears from hiding place behind Cedrics body.)

Harry: Not killing me today, Voldemort, but Ill tell you what(He reaches over Cedrics body
to grab the port key.) Ill get you some punch!

(Voldemort and Bellatrix run to attack him but its too late. Music starts and the lights dim and
Voldemort and Bellatrix spin off Stage Left while party-goers from the ball spin back onstage
from Stage Right. Harry and Cedric roll to Center Stage in the process. Finally, it all stops and
Harry looks around as the lights go back up. The party-goers are surprised. Albus approaches
Harry who drops the port key. Ginny is clutching her heart.)

Ginny: Oh my Rowling! What happened, Harry Potter?!

Dumbledore: Harry, what are you doing over here? You missed the raffle. (holds out a ticket)

(Snape enters quickly through Stage Left door. Hes wearing a hook on his right hand but the
audience doesnt see it yet.)

Snape: What happened in the graveyard?! (He grunts in pain.)

Harry: Its Voldemort! Its Voldemort! Hes back!

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(Music starts and lights go out.)