Tips for Helping Your Child When Hes Avoiding Something:

Compartmentalize the Assignment: When your child thinks an assignment or task is too big, you
can help him as a parent by teaching him how to compartmentalize tasks. You can say, Lets get this
much done tonight. Or Lets get this much of the project done this week. A good way to handle this
is to ask your child, How much do you think you can get done tonight? How much do you think you
can get done this week? That way, youre teaching him how to plan. If he comes back with
something thats too little, you need to say, No, I dont think thats enough. I think youre selling
yourself short. Why dont you try to do this much instead? If he gives you an amount that sounds too
big, just say, That sounds like an awful lot to me. It may not be realistic, Thomas. Lets see how
much you get done in an hour and then reevaluate it. So you help him learn how to moderate himself
and get organized.

Use Hurdle Help: In the Total Transformation, theres something I call Hurdle Help. This is where
you get your child started on something that hes having a hard time with on his own. So for example,
if its an English assignment, ask him some questions about what hes writing about. You might give
him a sentence to begin the project. Im not suggesting you do the assignment for himrather, you
get him over the first hurdle and let him take it from there. All kids need a little boost to get started.

Keep Distractions to a Minimum: Keep the bedroom door open and the music off when your child
is doing schoolwork. Check in on him intermittently to make sure hes actually doing the work.
Reduce distractions. If you cant check in on him enough, have him do his work downstairs. The idea
is that your child should understand that he has to perform whether hes angry or not. I dont care
if his anger is carried out in a resistant way or in an aggressive wayhes still responsible for it.

When Kids Use Passive Resistance to be Non-compliant

When kids use passive-aggressive behavior in order to get away with not following through on their
responsibilities, I believe you need to be very firm with them. There are definitely things you can do to
improve this kind of behavior, but whatever you do, keep your good enough parenting skills in place.
You want to have an open mind and be objective. When youre angry and frustrated by your childs
behavior, remind yourself that hes only your child being annoyingeven if he seems like a monster
at that moment.

Related: How to give consequences that really work for your child.

Remember, passive-aggressive behavior is an ineffective coping skill. In order for a child to stop
using it, they have to learn an effective coping skill with which to replace it. Coping skills will not be
abandoned because theyre ineffective unless a more healthy coping skill is learned to replace it.

Tell Your Child the Consequences of Inactionand Set Time Limits

Sit down and talk with your child when things are going well. Tell him straight out what you see
happening: that hes not producing enough, striving enough or pushing himself enough. Then tell him
what the consequences will be from now on. Inform him that youre going to set time limits on what
has to be done, and if he doesnt meet that time limit, then hes going to lose his phone or computer
until its done.

Certainly its up to parents to be reasonable about the timeframe. You can even say, I want the
basement cleaned by Monday. And if not, youre losing your phone till its done. So you dont have to
give your child tight time frames. I think its better to give him choices. But regardless, he needs to
be held accountable if he doesnt get it done within a certain time.

Build in Rewards: You also want to build in rewards for your child for getting things done early. Train
your child that theres a reward for putting in effort and getting the task done early and pushing
himself. So just like theres a reward for kids when they dont act out, theres a reward for your child
when he doesnt act in. Meeting his timelines would be one of the goals. For example, if he has all his
homework done the night before, finishes breakfast without dawdling, gets ready for school and gets
to the bus on time in the morning, he gets a reward. You might let him stay up a half an hour later. In
this way, youre training and motivating him to do things on time.

Related: EP Downloadable behavior charts to use with your child.

Invite Your Passive-Aggressive Child to Talk about His Anger: If you think your child is being
passive-aggressive because he gets angry and cant voice his feelings, invite him to talk about those
things. Just say, If youre angry about something, its safe to talk to me. And I think safe is an
important word here. Say, Its okay if you feel angry or afraid, but continuing this behavior wont solve
the problem. Talk to me. Ill try to hear you. But I expect you to do the work whether youre angry or
not. Being angry is no excuse. Parents can also train kids by directly stating what you see
happening: I think youre not loading the dishwasher because youre angry that I wouldnt let you
stay out last night late. And I want you to know that I understand thatbut its not a justification. You
still have to do the dishes. And if theyre not done by eight oclock, Im taking the keyboard out of your
room.

Remember, expectations have to remain clear. Whatever happens, your child has to learn how to
perform, how to produce, and how to survive in lifethats all there is to it. Too much excuse-making
has come into our culture, and too many people have been allowed to get away with not keeping up
with their responsibilities. You see people at 35 who have had mediocre jobs that they dont like all
their life and they cant get ahead. They have no skills because no one ever made them follow
through and do the work. I think that very clearly, the message has to be, You have to learn to take
care of yourself and meet your responsibilities. Youre accountable.

Do we want to be understanding? Yes. Do parents need extra training for kids like this? Often they
do. But nonetheless, the responsibility is ultimately on the child to grow up and learn how to live in
our societyand on the parents to teach him how to do it.
Kids Who Ignore Consequences: 10 Ways
to Make Them Stick
Does your child ignore every consequence you give him? James Lehman can help with 10
specific ways to make consequences workeven for the most resistant child.

When kids are faced with something unpleasant, theyll often act like it doesnt matter to them. When
your child says, I dont care or seems unaffected when you give him a consequence, what hes
really saying is, You cant hurt me. Thats because receiving a consequence makes kids feel
powerless. Their sense of self almost requires them to respond by shrugging and saying, Whatever,
simply in order to feel in control again.

Focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequencenot whether or not hes
going to care.

Personally, I dont think parents should worry too much when their child appears not to be affected.
Instead, I think you should focus on what you want your child to learn from the consequencenot
whether or not hes going to care. In fact, I think trying to get your child to care is a misdirected goal.
Dont put so much weight on making him hurt that youre not thinking about trying to get your child
to learn a new behavior. If your child can stop you in your tracks you by saying I dont care, youre
giving him way too much power.

Related: The Complete Guide to Consequences

To put it another way, if youre looking for your child to surrender, forget about it. A consequence is
not designed to make your child say, Im sorry, Mom, I was wrong. Rather, its there to help
your child change his behavior. Think of it this way: the consequence for not following the speed limit
is that you might get a speeding ticket. You may shrug and say, Whatever, to the police officer when
he pulls you over, but that wont stop him from giving you that ticket. And if you say, I dont care,
hell say, Well, here you go, sir. Have a good day. He wont argue with you; hell simply hand you the
ticket and walk away.

In my opinion, you have to be like that police officer when giving your child a consequence. Dont get
sucked into an argument when your teen says, I dont care, because that argument brings you
down to his leveland thats what hes looking for. Instead, just say, All right, fine, but youre still
going to lose your cell phone for 48 hours. Then simply turn around and leave the room.

Again, if youre trying to get your child to care about the consequence you give him, thats like trying
to get him to like you. You shouldnt try to control his emotional life. Just say, These are the
consequences. And even if he says he doesnt care, let him know that he will encounter them again
if he breaks the rules.

How to Give Consequences So Theyll StickEven When Kids Say They Dont Care
1. Use Consequences That Have Meaning
Its almost never effective to give your child a consequence in the heat of an argument. Often,
parents will be either too harsh or too lenient, because nothing appropriate comes to mind
immediately. I advise parents to sit down and write a Consequences List. You can think of this as a
menu of choices. When compiling this list, keep in mind that you want the consequence to be
unpleasant, because you want your child to feel uncomfortable. If, like most teens, your childs cell
phone has meaning for him, dont be shy about using it as leverage. Its also important to think about
what you want him to learnand this lesson should be attached to the consequence. So lets say
your child curses and is rude to his sister, and you want him to learn how to manage his feelings. I
think an effective consequence might be that he would lose his cell phone until he doesnt curse and
isnt rude to his sister for 24 hours. In those 24 hours, he might also have to write a note of apology to
his sibling stating what hell do differently the next time he gets frustrated. If he fails to write the letter,
he doesnt get his phone backand the 24 hours starts all over again.

2. Dont Try to Appeal to His Emotions with Speeches

Remember, your job is not to get your child to love his sister or to appeal to his emotions with a
speech, because all he will hear is, Your sister looks up to you, blah, blah, blah. Your job is to take
his phone and say, Hey, we talk to each other nicely around here. And if you cant do that, then you
cant use the phone. Well talk about giving it back to you after you talk nicely to your family for 24
hours.

3. Make Consequences Black and White

When you give a consequence, the simpler you keep things, the better. Again, you dont want to get
into legalese or long speeches. What you want to do is lay out your consequences for your childs
inappropriate behavior very clearly. Its often helpful if he knows ahead of time what will happen when
he acts out. Just like there are speeding signs on the highway, the consequences for your childs
behavior should be clear to him. Tell him, If you talk nastily to your sister, this is whats going to
happen from now on.

And whenever youre going to introduce an idea to your child that may be unsettling, anxiety-
provoking, or frustrating to him, do it when things are going wellnot when everybodys screaming at
each other. Wait until a calm moment and then lay out the consequences simply and clearly.

4. Have Problem-Solving Conversations

I think its vitally important to have problem-solving conversations with your child after an incident has
occurred. When things are going well, you can say, If you get frustrated with your sister in the future,
what can you do differently, other than to call her names? Lets make a list. You might help jump start
some ideas by saying, Instead of calling her names, how about going to your room and listening to
some music for a few minutes? Could you do that? And try to help your child come up with his own
ideas. He might say, If she follows me around the house, Ill go to my room. You can then say, All
right, why dont we try that? For the rest of today, if your sister bothers you, pick one thing that youre
going to do from this list and see if its helpful.
Conversations like these are how you get your child to think about alternative solutions other than
yelling at his sister, name-calling, or acting out. Look at it this way: we all get frustrated, we all get
angry, and we all get anxious. But everyone has to learn to deal with those feelings appropriately
and a problem-solving conversation is the most effective way to talk with your child about change.

5. Dont Get Sucked into an Argument over Consequences

Dont accept every invitation to argue with your child. Understand that he wants you to get upset so
he can drag you into a fight. Your child also wants to show you that hes not hurt by the consequence
youve given him. Believe me, I understand that its annoying and frustrating as a parent. Kids will try
to push your buttons by saying, Who cares; whatever. But dont get sucked into it. Just say, All
right, its too bad that you dont carethat means its just going to happen more often. Then go do
something else. And remember, while you dont want to get sucked into a power struggle, you also
dont want to destroy your childs pride by demeaning him, eitheryou just want him to stop talking
poorly to his sister.

6. Dont Teach Your Child How to Do Time

Many parents get frustrated and ground their kids for long periods of time in order to make the
punishment stick. Personally, I think thats a mistake. If you simply ground your child, youre teaching
him to do timeand not to learn anything new. But if you ground him until he accomplishes certain
things, you can increase the effectiveness of the consequence by 100 percent. I always say to make
your consequences task-oriented, not time-oriented. So if your child loses his video game privileges
for 24 hours, he should be doing something within that time frame that helps himimprove his
behavior. Simply grounding him from his video games for a week will just teach him how to wait until
he can get them backnot how to behave more appropriately. Remember, if you ground him for 30
days, youve fired your big gun. If you ground him for 24 hours, you still have plenty of leverage.
Many parents believe the key to making consequences effective is to get a bigger hammer, but thats
not a sound teaching method.

Again, we want consequences to be learning experiences. A consequence that doesnt fit the crime
will just seem meaningless to your child, and wont get you the desired result. Remember, you dont
want to be so punitive that your child simply gives up. That will never translate to better behavior.

7. Engage Your Childs Self-interest

Learn to ask questions in ways that appeal to your childs self-interest. So for example, you might
say, What are you going to do the next time you think Dad is being unfair so you wont get into
trouble? In other words, youre trying to engage his self-interest. If your child is a teenager, he wont
care about how Dad feels. Adolescents are frequently very detached from that set of feelings. They
might feel guilty and say theyre sorry later, but youll see the behavior happen again. So learn to
appeal to their self- interest, and ask the question, What can you do so you dont get in
trouble nexttime?
Put it in his best interests: Understand, if youre going to talk to your sister meanly or curse at her,
things are only going to get worse for you, not better. I know you want to keep your phone, so lets
think of ways for you to be able to do that.

8. How Will I Know If a Consequence Is Working?

Parents often say to me, My child acts like he doesnt care. So how do I know if the consequence Im
giving him is actually working? I always tell them, Its simpleyoull know its working because hes
being held accountable. Accountability gives you the best chance for change.

9. Some Things Should Never Be Used as Consequences

In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you
should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. Thats a milestone in your childs
life; personally, I think that milestones should not be taken away. Your child is not going to learn
anything from that experiencehes just going to be bitter.

I also believe that sports should not be taken away. I have no problem with kids missing a practice if
thats part of a consequence, but taking away the sport entirely is not a good idea.

10. Dont Show Disgust or Disdain

When giving consequences to your child, I think you should be consistent and firm, but dont show
disgust or disdain. In my opinion, you should never be sarcastic with your child because its
wounding. What youre trying to do is raise someone who can function, not somebody who feels
theyre a constant disappointment to you. Its very important to shape your behavior so that your child
knows youre not taking his mistakes personally. Remember, the look on your face and the tone of
your voice communicates a lot more to your child than your words do. Positive regard is critical for
getting your message across.

I think its important to remember that life is really a struggle for many kids. Going to school is difficult,
both academically and socially, and there is tremendous pressure on children and teens to perform
today. Personally, I think that kids should be recognized and respected for that. Think of it this way:
what youre really trying to do is work on your childs behavior to get him to try to do different things.
So if your child misbehaves and you ground him from everything indefinitely, youre losing sight of all
the other things he did rightand he will, too.

Instead, we want to look at inappropriate behavior as a mistake your child makes. Parents often
wonder why their kids make the same mistakes over and over, and I say, Well, they do that because
theyre kids. Theyre not pretending. They perceive things very differently than adults do. We want
our kids to learn, so we use the things they enjoy as leverage to teach them better behavior. After all,
giving your child a consequence until he shows you he can do better is an effective tool you have at
your disposal at all timeseven if he tells you he doesnt care.
 Child Discipline: Consequences and
Effective Parenting
Remember how you felt when you brought your baby home from the hospital for the first time?
When your child was an infant, you probably acknowledged that you were anxious and unsure of
what you were doing at timesmost new parents are. In my experience, those kinds of feelings
continue as we raise our kidswe just stop expressing them to others. But lets face it, none of us
went to school for parenting, and often were really hard on ourselves: we think were alone and that
we need to come up with the perfect solution or consequence when our child misbehaves. Heres
the truth: its not a matter of finding a perfect solution. Rather, its a matter of finding a consequence
that will mean something to your child. The good news is, it can be done.

Giving the right consequence can feel much more like a life and death situation than it
actually is.

In the thirty years Ive worked with kids, Ive seen a lot of parents get very panicky around the
concept of consequences. I think we get nervous because we believe we need to have the right
response to stop our childs bad behavior immediatelyand when that happens, giving the right
consequence can feel much more like a life and death situation than it actually is. That feeling of
panic has more to do with your anxiety in the moment than it does with effective parenting.
Consequences can take multiple attempts before kids learn to behave differentlyits simply a matter
of trial and error.

Related: Learn how to give consequences that really work.

How do you give effective consequences?

Here are four tips I used with my son and the children I worked with that I believe will help you give
more effective consequences to your child.

1. Calm yourself down. Stepping away from the situation (as long as your child is at least four years
of age) is the best way to calm yourself down and disengage from a developing power struggle.
When you are caught up in the heat of the moment, you definitely need to take a timeout. By the way,
when you do this, you dont have to let your child know what youre doing. Just send him to his room
and tell him youll be back to talk with him later. Its okay for your child to be anxious about what the
consequence might be. Remember, that waiting period can be a useful period. This is also a perfect
example of a time when parents need to be good actors. Try to keep your face and tone as neutral as
possible when you speak to your child, even if youre steaming mad inside.

Look at it this way: if you only react in the heat of the moment, you wont be thinking clearly and
chances are you wont be effective. You might be anxious or scared or confused about setting limits
and ultimately end up losing control. When you do that, it becomes about you and not about your
child and his behavior. Remember, you want to keep the focus on your childs behavior. So be matter
of fact and neutral, even if youre not feeling that way; its not going to teach your child anything
productive at this point to know that youre anxious or upset. Instead, he needs to be focusing on his
behavior and the consequences for that behavior.

2. Come up with a list of consequences ahead of time: In a calm moment, sit down and come up
with a menu of consequences you might use with your child if she should misbehave in the future.
You can even enlist her help in this endeavor and use some of her ideas for rewards when her
behavior is good. (For example, the consequence for not turning off the T.V. when you ask might be
an earlier bed timethe reward for complying several nights in a row might be letting her stay up
fifteen minutes later.)

Think about the problem and the behavior associated with that problem. Try to get as specific as
possible about your childs behavior, because you want to attach the consequence to the act.

3. Consider what would naturally happen because of the misbehavior. Dont discount the
teaching effect of natural consequences. For example, if your child breaks a toy, he wont have that
toy to play with. If he refuses to do homework, hell get a bad grade. If he shoplifts and gets caught,
hell probably have legal problems. These are the logical consequences for the misbehavior. Let your
child experience them.

4. Give clear, brief direction. When youre telling your child what his consequence is after hes
misbehaved, be as brief and clear as possible. It can completely undo the lesson you want him to
learn if you repeat yourself or get in a long discussion about it. This is because its easy for you as a
parent to start negotiating or minimizing, or to get drawn into an argument with your child. Again,
when this happens it becomes more about you than about your childs behaviorand it takes away
the importance of the consequence.

When your child says, I dont care.

Many parents tell me that their kids dont care about consequences. Understand that all kids will say
I dont care at one time or anotherand they can say it in many different ways. In fact, when I
worked in juvenile residential care, I found that the children and teens responded this way most of the
time! It was really just an attempt at manipulation in order to avoid the consequences they were
given. So when your child does this, realize that its simply a way to throw you off, to try to save face,
or to get their own way. Most importantly, its a way for your child to try not to take responsibility for
his actions. The answer for parents? You just need to tune it out. If your child says, I dont care, you
can even calmly respond, I understand that you dont care. But the consequences stay and thats
that. Just stick to whatever it is anyway.

Related: Does your child ignore consequences?

By the way, I think there are very few kids who really dont care on some level. They may not care a
lot, but even if they care a little, it matters. If you think your child really doesnt care, and the
consequence seems to be having no effect, you might want to retool what youre doing. This is where
the trial and error comes in. If whatever youve taken away or imposed isnt having an effect, try
something else. Have a discussion with your child when hes calm and try to come up with a better
consequence for next time.

Some kids are very good at convincing the adults around them that they dont care, but at some level
I usually find that they really doespecially if their parents are staying consistent with consequences.

Note: If nothing seems to be working and your child truly doesnt seem to care about anything at all,
work with a local health care professional to find out if other issues are at play, such as anxiety or
depression.

Kids who get enraged when given consequences

Its really tough when you worry that somehow your consequences are contributing to your childs
bad behavior. Just remember that this is about your childs behaviorthats why youre setting
consequences in the first place. Ive seen kids get furious when given a consequence; they become
enraged and confrontational. Let me be very clear here: do not pick consequences based upon how
your child may react. If his behavior escalates when you set limits or discipline him, as a parent you
need to take some time away and calm yourself down. Kids who scream and get angry are really
trying to intimidate their parents so that they wont set limits. When this happens, you need to stick
with the consequence and remain as calm as possible. Dont get sucked into your childs anger and
his reactionary mode.

Related: Does your child fight with you over everything?

Instead, be very clear and say, This is the consequence for your behavior. If your child starts raging,
you can just turn around and leave the room (as long as he is not a toddler or younger). If he makes
the situation more problematic by breaking something or swearing at you, you might give him
additional consequences later. But again, you can only really do that as a parent if youre calm.
Otherwise, youll just get into a power struggle with your childand again, it becomes about you and
not about his behavior.

In fact, here are four Donts to live by when it comes to giving consequences:

1. Dont give in to your childs misbehavior.

2. Dont get embroiled in a fight or argument if you can help it.

3. Dont let your child make the consequence into a power struggle.

4. Dont give consequences when youre upset.

Why giving consequences when youre upset usually backfires

Why does it usually backfire when you give a consequence to your child when youre upset? When
you get anxious and angry, youre likely to say something thats either ineffective or that doesnt make
a whole lot of sense. Heres an example: As a teenager I was once grounded for the rest of my life. I
knew it wasnt going to happen, of coursethe punishment had much more to do with my mother
being really angry at me than anything else. When youre angry, its easy to throw out absurd
punishments because youre so upset by whats going on. The message youre sending your child is,
Im out of control.

If you ever get to that point as a parent and say something totally absurd (and lets face it, most of us
do from time to time) talk with your child about it after the fact. Come back when youre calm and say,
Okay, I was really angry at you because you broke curfew again. Of course youre not grounded for
the rest of your life. Heres your real consequence. And stick with that. That way, youre still in charge
and your reaction is not solely based on being upset at your childs misbehavior.

Related: Learn how to maintain your parental authority and stay in charge.

Parenting is a tough job at times and our kids arent supposed to make it any easier. In fact, their
behavior often makes it harder. Just remember that consequences are not about us as parents
rather, theyre about our children. We often take our childs behavior personally and see it as a
reflection on us. But our job is to teach our children about good behavior. How we teach is by
managing their behavior and actions. In a sense, our parenting work is to civilize our children so
that they can be responsible, caring, loving adults.