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YOU ARE NOT GOING CRAZY

You Are Not Going Crazy:

Toxic Relationships and Emotional Manipulation

Vicente Arredondo

Florida State University

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The tactics of manipulation have been a survival tool for humans that has allowed us to

survive for thousands of years, deception and lies were once necessary to acquire food, water,

and shelter. As times have changed, the instinct to lie and manipulate others in order to obtain

ones desires has not. The term Gas lighting has been used by therapists since 1944, it stems from

the film Gaslight, which came out in the same year. In the movie, a husband systematically

manipulates his wife in order to make her feel crazy, the term Gaslighting is now commonly

used to describe behavior that is inherently manipulative (David, A, Wolfe, 2016). She was

beginning to have self-doubt, this was happening because of her husbands claims of false

information that he would say to his wife. While what the husband would claim was clearly a lie

after some time his wife was beginning to believe the husband instead of her own memory. This

method of manipulation has been occurring in numerous toxic relationships and has left its

victims with scars beyond comprehension. Gas lighting is a delicate issue that is present in

almost all relationships without the people involved knowing that it is happening at all. It occurs

at different levels and intensities so it can definitely vary from relationship to relationship. There

is an increasing need however to shed more light on this issue that is sometimes misunderstood

and most are unaware of.

Toxic relationships are relationships that are very unstable and lead the people involved

in the relationship to live tortured lives. Relationships like this tend to be very unproductive and

lack benefits for both parties. To define what a toxic relationship is can be hard because there are

so many ways a relationship can be defined as toxic. By definition, a toxic relationship is a

relationship characterized by behaviors on the part of the toxic partner that are emotionally and,

not infrequently, physically damaging to their partner . This means that any relationship that has

overall-negative effects is considered a toxic one. It is common to hear stories of these kinds of
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relationships either on the news or in television shows. This however should not be a sign that

these kinds of relationships are the norm or are in any form considered acceptable behavior.

What is less common to hear on the news is the other kind of toxic relationship which involves

emotional damage instead of physical and in many cases, it can be more damaging. This

emotional damage is not as apparent or easily seen by others since it is not on the surface like

physical damage. The emotional damage can be present in the form of derogatory terms, lies and

changes in personality. The clearest signs that one is in a toxic relationship of any kind is that the

person or persons involved are not happy with each other and that they are being affected

negatively by being together.

Gas lighting is insidious. It plays on our worst fears, our most anxious thoughts, our

deepest wishes to be understood, appreciated, and loved (Stern, R, 2007, p. 4). This is because

gas lighting is not physical but works more with emotions and the manipulation of thoughts and

self-perception of the person being affected. Gas lighting is not clear at the beginning of a

relationship. Usually when a relationship begins gas lighting is very minimal or non-existing.

This is because a gaslighter will never upfront in full force start manipulating the other person on

the get-go because the other person would not fall for the trick. Gas lighting is much more

sinister in works in a long period of time slowly increasing in intensity and frequency. Usually it

starts with small comments like referring to a memory and jokingly saying that some part of that

memory is untrue or remembered wrong. After a while bigger and more important memories,

either of fights or events, are compromised and the toxic person begins to plant self-doubt of the

other person memory. Soon comments such as you are crazy or you cant remember

anything pop up in the conversation. After a while of hearing these things repetitively one

begins to believe them. Soon the victim begins to apologize for mistakes pointed out by the
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toxic partner and for not being able to remember anything correctly. The toxic person soon puts

all the burden and weight of anything that goes wrong on the victim even if it is outlandish to

blame them. The victim at this point is so mentally trapped and closed minded that they are not

able to see clearly and feel too much self-0doubt to look for help. This is the most dangerous part

of gas lighting.

In relationships that are toxic we often try to focus on the victim who is suffering from

her toxic partner. It is however important to understand the victimizer, what are the things that

make them tick, what makes an individual attack their partner and how much cognitive control

does an individual have over their manipulations. Mach and EI are negatively related and other

studies suggest that high Machs actually lack emotion-related skills (Austin, E. J., Farrelly, D.,

Black, C., Moore, H, 2007) which means that machiavellianism in people who emotionally

torture or hurt others is not related to the individual having emotional intelligence (EI) or skills

for that matter. The studies carried out by Dr. Elizabeth J. Austin and her colleagues demostarted

that the victimizer does not have the cognitive ability to hurt their partner. The actions of the

victimizer are not due to a master plan that was consciously designed but are a result of the lack

of emotional skills and ability to control emotions. It is important to know that the victimizers act

out of their own insecurities and instability because that is how people, victims of toxic

relationship, realize that the problem is not intentionally caused. This is helpful information that

can lead the victim to finally decide that staying and fighting for the toxic partner to change is

useless because the victimizer cannot consciously change their acts because it comes from a

deeper side of their personality.

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What can be done to help the victim of gas lighting is to be aware of what the signs of

gas lighting are. These signs can be the key to helping someone being affected by gas lighting to

be able to see that there is a problem and know how to confront it. The main signs of gas lighting

are that the victim is always apologizing for everything, if someone is constantly saying sorry for

things that are sometimes not even their fault it is a clear sign of manipulation. Another sign is

that the victim starts questioning themselves if theyre too sensitive or that they do everything

wrong, Another sign is that the victim is very unhappy and doesnt feel confident in themselves

at all. These are signs that a person is victim of a toxic relationship and is being gaslighted. There

are many resources such as therapists and psychologists that can help a person overcome this

situation. The first step is always the hardest but it is the one that will determine if the rest of the

steps are effective. The victim has to get away from the toxic person and end the relationship for

good because it will only get worse and there have been many cases of terrible consequences.
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Works Cited

Austin, E. J., Farrelly, D., Black, C., & Moore, H. (2007). Emotional intelligence,

Machiavellianism and emotional manipulation: Does EI have a dark side?. Personality and

Individual Differences, 43(1), 179-189.

David, A, Wolfe (2016). 10 Signs You Are a Victim of Gaslighting: 15 Signs Youre a Victim of

Gaslighting. What is Gaslighting?, Web.

Thomas, L, Corey (2017) Toxic Relationships. HealthScope: Health and Wellness Magazine.

Web.

Stern, R. (2007). The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden

Manipulations Other People Use to Control Your Life. Crown Pub.

Gass, G.Z. & Nichols, W.C. Contemp Fam Ther (1988) 10: 3. doi:10.1007/BF00922429

"Dialogues of Doubt: The Psychology of Self-doubt and Emotional Gaslighting in Adult Women and
Men." Dialogues of Doubt: The Psychology of Self-doubt and Emotional Gaslighting in Adult Women

Benson, K. (2015). Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive
Relationships with Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People. Library Journal, 140(16), 98.
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SANCHEZ, R. (2015). How I Ended a Toxic Relationship. Men's Health, 30(4), 54-135

Freedom from Toxic Relationships: Moving on from the Family, Work, and Relationship Issues that
Bring You Down. (2013). Publishers Weekly, 260(39), 55.

Lord, D. C. (2003). Toxic Relationships and How To Change Them: Health and Holiness in Everyday
Life (Book). Library Journal, 128(15), 77.

Anderson, K. B., & Bohanon, L. (2016). Toxic relationships: Knowing the rules and dealing with the
friends who break them. Psychology Of Women Quarterly, 40(3), 464-465.
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