Shannon Napples

R. Christiansen

English 2010 TR 8:30

October 19th, 2013

Not Your Usual Elevator Music

The symptoms are all the same; heart pounding, palms sweating and feeling like I would

rather be anywhere else in the world dealing with just about anything else just so that I could

escape. Escape from the past and escape from what lies ahead. I predict that this is all the

result of nerves. Those stupid nerves that tell us we cant do something and give us shaky

hands and pounding hearts so loud, we can literally hear them in our heads. Our voices shake

and we so desperately hope we remembered deodorant that morning. Nerves are caused by

many things; drawn attention, public speaking and from fear.

I fear what they will think about my answers. I fear becoming a teller. What if it

doesnt happen. I fear I will be stuck at a dead end job for the rest of my life.

The date was August 26th, 2013. My nerves began and so did the usual symptoms.

Here I was interviewing for a well paid job that actually offered great hours and an atmosphere

of co-workers that didnt want to start drama. Confidence had already left my body once my

mind realized that my want needed to be backed up by a strong interview. I became nervous.

This kind of nervousness is compared to giving speeches in front of a crowd or giving a

performance for a grade that could make or break your overall grade in the class. It is

humiliating and takes mental preparedness. Usually this kind of nervousness comes witht eh

unpleasant feelings of nausea or an uncontrollable bladder. So, I exited my car and mustered

my courage (or all that I could find) and made the

steps that lead to the elevator. I pressed the button

that called the giant Otis beast down to ground level. I

boarded the machine and pressed 3. Three? Three different levels? Three different levels of

nervousness rising within my soul that at any moment could crush me and make me fall back

down to my fears. The ground level is what causes the what if nerves. There are the nerves

that I experienced before walking into the interview building; the nerves that were the building

blocks to the level two nerve. The nerve of emptiness or longing.

I fear losing him forever and never seeing him again. How can this life be so cruel? I

fear my longing will never cease and I fear that I will forget about him...forever.

The date was October 16th, 2012. These nerves were unquenchable and painfully

apparent. These nerves were held in my heart and, as it felt, in my lungs stealing each breath

away and forcing me to run outside just in the hope of catching my breath. These nerves are

known by only some and it is a hurtful nerve that makes its victim fall to their knees, begging for

it to stop. It is the nerve of losing someone you love and knowing that you will never be able to

touch, see, hear or talk to them again. My father was taken from me after a long battle with

cancer and kidney failure. How could a man who spent his nights running into fires and saving

people be taken by something within himself. It seemed so unreal and so impossible that the

man who was the strong figure in my life lost his life because his body wasnt strong enough to

endure chemo and radiation. Why did it have to be a man that everyone saw as a hero. I dont

want him to be considered a martyr, I just want my dad back! This is the nerve of constant tears

and sorrow. This is the second level that is the thing that can send you back to the beginning. It

is where you decide to either go forward or back. I had to make this decision on the second

floor; I chose to continue forward and to push past the hurt and the pain that could be caused

from the interview. I arrived to the third floor, the floor of doubt.

Have I made the right choice? I doubt I have made the right decision. This could be

a mistake. This child growing inside of me could be meant for something greater

than what I can see.

The date was September 1994. These nerves are deceitful and fleeting. They fleet
between knowing and hoping. Knowing that what you are doing is right and hoping it is. These

are the nerves that my mother had coursing through her while she was pregnant with me. These

are the nerves she had when she was contemplating my abortion. Is my decision right about

aborting or is there something meant for me by having this baby? Without these nerves, there

is no conscious, there is no knowing of right and wrong and there is no leeway for doubt. Doubt

is good to have even though people will say its not. Doubt is what is needed for a change.

Without the nervous doubt in my mother, I wouldnt be here today. I wouldnt be in an elevator

about to enter a company interviews that had the potential to change my life. Without the

elevator, I wouldnt realize the three different nerves that are needed (or that naturally happen)

when facing a tough situation.

Where do I go from here?

I went past the what if nerves and through the painful, sorrow filled, no turning back

now nerves and arrived at the place where I had to realize my doubt nerves, all so that I could

do the best in my interview. My parents helped me in more ways than I can count and even in

ways that might be hidden from me for years. Without my parents and what we went through, I

wouldnt have the nerve to go into my interview and come out victoriously with a job offer.

Nerves suck, they are crazy, stupid, terrible, the worst, gross, intolerable, sickening, and

fantastic. They push us into doing what we know is right and doing what we need to do. Nerves

make me nervous and sweaty palmed, heart pounded and grateful that I have them. I was not

aborted because of nervous doubt, my fathers death was terrible and was comforted by sorrow

nerves and I gained a career through the what if nerves that were change to what now

nerves. So, What Now?