Inspiring the worldwide community in conscious relationship,

conscious business & bodymind vibrance

The Couples Course

The Hendricks Institute

226 West Ojai Avenue Suite 101 PMB 505 Ojai CA 93023
P 800.688.0772 F 805.646.6543 www.hendricks.com
 The Hendricks Institute
The Couples Course

Table of Contents

Title Page

Mission Incredible 1
From Victim to Creative Power 4
Issues/Problems/Concerns 5
The Seven Waves of Relationship 6
Opening the Gate 7
Stumbling Blocks 8
Walking the Path 9
The Conscious Relationship Scale 10
The Victim to Power Scale 11
The Key Miracle-Moves from The Ten Second Miracle 12
Speaking and Listening Commitment 14
Honesty is the Best Aphrodisiac and Sleep Aid 15
Blame Talk vs. Conscious Heart Talk 16
Feelings Exploration 17
Developing Appreciation 18
The Learning Cycle 19
The Art of Creative Tossing 20
Appreciation Interview 21
The Lasting Love Pledge 22
Drift/Shift List 23
Notes

2009 The Hendricks Institute 800.688.0772 www.hendricks.com

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MISSSION INCREDIBLE
The Infinite Journey To Conscious Loving
Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make a heroic shift out of an old paradigm, the default
programming that we're born into-Unconscious Loving-to a new paradigm, Conscious Loving. Here's a
quick look at the old and the new paradigms, so you'll know what you're getting out of and gelling into :

UNCONSCIOUS LOVING
We repeat the same patterns and problems over and over, and we don't identify ourselves as the
source of those patterns and problems. We spend a lot of time ignoring or recycling the patterns,
and expend considerable energy trying to prove somebody else is to blame.

We get defensive in situations where we could get enlightened. Somebody says "Hey, you've got a
drinking problem." We reply, "Says who?" They say, Well, you drove into the driveway last night,
ran over the kid's trike, threw up in the flower bed and peed in your wife's steam iron." We reply,
"Nobodys perfect, and you're a jerk for ruining my day with your negativity. (Defensive
maneuvers: Getting sleepy, bored or tired; getting irritable, hostile or tense; getting fascinated by
TV, food, liquor, tobacco, drugs; stonewalling, sulking, withdrawing.)

We have feelings we don't share, or are carrying secrets we haven't told to the relevant person.
(Distinction between secrets and privacy: Secrets are things you hide because you're afraid of how
others would react if they heard them ...privacy is when you keep something hidden because to
share it would dilute its personal or sacred nature. Example: For Bill, Monica was a secret, and the
relevant person to tell was Hillary. For Monica, the journal she kept would fit the privacy
category.)

We think of ourselves as victims, and go back and for the between thinking of others as
perpetrators or follow-victims. In conflicts, we argue from the Victim-Position, casting others as
Villains. To resolve arguments, we often join the others in being Fellow-Victims.

Example
Us: You're ruining my life, you jerk.
Them: No way. Youre ruining my life, you jerk.
(Repeat until somebody drops from exhaustion.)
Us: You know what? You and I are okay. Its the world that's ruining our lives.
Them: Yeah! Here, have a brewski.

We don't express our full creativity, and have a variety of reasons, many of which are excellent,
why we're not doing so.

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CONSCIOUS LOVING
The new paradigm is built on the earlier foundation described in our earlier books such as Conscious
Loving and Lasting Love. In that book, two principles occupied center stage: The Authenticity Principle
and The Responsibility Principle. The Authenticity Principle holds that relationships only flourish when
both people speak the microscopic truth. If any relationship problem recycles, look for the significant truth
that has not yet been spoken. If the microscopic truth is not spoken (for example, I didn't have sex with
that woman,) a costly and tiresome melodrama usually occurs in the aftermath of the lie.

The Responsibility Principle holds that relationships only flourish when both people take 100%
responsibility for any issue that arises. By contrast, most people try to apportion responsibility, which
always leads to blame, conflict and power struggles. For example, a repetitive conflict about money only
resolves when each person claims full responsibility by asking, Even if it looks like my partner's
problem, in 'what ways am I contributing to the perpetuation of this problem?"

EMERGENCE OF THE NEW PARADIGM

Now, two new principles take relationship transformation into a new dimension: The Commitment
Principle and The Appreciation Principle. These principles hold powerful keys to an ongoing problem in
human relationships: how to free individual creativity while simultaneously bringing both partners into
greater harmony.

The Commitment Principle: Every relationship problem is rooted in an overlooked commitment issue, and
if this issue is addressed correctly it becomes a springboard to a profound breakthrough in closeness and
individual creativity. The principle holds true even if the two people involved in the conflict have been in
relationship for decades. It also applies to boardroom as well as bedroom relationships. By analyzing
hundreds of conflicts, we discovered that the problem often began with a withheld commitment. In other
words, someone (or sometimes all parties) did not fully commit. Once we made this discovery, we worked
out a simple way to find where the commitment problem was located and a technique for moving through
the impasse rapidly.

The Appreciation Principle holds that relationship problems begin in an "appreciation gap, '" a specific
place where a break occurs in the ongoing flow of appreciation. In the absence of a felt-sense of
appreciation--given and received, spoken and unspoken--a host of energy-draining problems ensue. After
discovering this principle, we designed a simple set of appreciation activities that anyone can do.

In Conscious Loving, we do things very differently than in the old paradigm:

If a pattern or problem repeats itself, we look for the source of the pattern in ourselves, even if
another person looks like the main character in the drama. Example: Even if your partner is the
one who's come home drunk every night for the past sixteen years, the conscious person thinks,
"Hmmm, how am I inviting this sort of behavior in my life?" and "Hmmm, who was it that didn't
kick him/her out fifteen years and 364 days ago?"

We commit ourselves to learning, instead of getting defensive, in every interaction. We get skilled
at thanking people and the universe for giving us feedback, instead of punishing them. "Thanks for
pointing out my drinking problem. From my actions-the trike, the flower bed and the steam iron-it
appears I'm out of control."

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We make conscious commitments, and hold ourselves scrupulously to those commitments. We

commit to things that are within our control, such as telling the truth and taking responsibility, not
to things that can't be controlled (promising to love the person always, promising we'll never do it
again, etc.)

We tell the truth, and give enough detail so that the relevant other person fully understands. Bill:
"Yes, indeed, I had sex with that woman. The first five times were fun and titillating, although I
didn't ejaculate, but the last two times were ho-hum even though I did. I feel guilty as hell and
scared you won't like me.

We take full responsibility for what happens in our lives, and seek out relationships with others
who also take full responsibility. In a conscious relationship there are no power struggles because
each person takes 100% responsibility.

We commit ourselves to full creative expression and don't have time to accuse others of
oppressing our creativity.

We speak appreciations frequently. Examples: I appreciate you for helping Kevin with his spelling
last night. I appreciate the way you look today. I appreciate your sense of humor.

QUANTUM LOVING
We've found that it's possible to lake a rapid ride to hitherto-unimaginable relationship heights by
adopting one very radical concept and practicing one very simple technique.

The Concept
Stop focusing on problems, difficulties and issues for a period of time - a month is a good period of time to
start with - and instead focus only on expressing appreciations to your partner (or to anyone else you want
to. be close to, such as children or co-workers.) At the end of the period of time, you can always go back
to focusing on problems if you want to. However, most people find that expressing appreciations clears up
even long-standing, recurring problems that nothing else has budged.

The Technique
Step One
Choose a heartfelt commitment to making the expression of appreciation your top creative priority. In
other words, choose to regard thinking up and delivering appreciations as your highest art form. A year or
so ago, I (GH) chose appreciating Katie as my highest priority art form. Until then, I regarded my writing
as my highest priority art form. I decided to put as much time and energy into noticing things I appreciate
about her, thinking up ways to appreciate her and delivering appreciations to her as I did to my writing.
To my delight our relationship took a quantum jump-it was already great! -- to absolutely transcendental.
To my great surprise, my writing became even more fun and productive.

Step Two
For one month, put your focus on one major activity: Think up and deliver appreciation as often as you
can, but at least ten to twenty times a day. Focus mainly on verbal appreciations, appreciation by-touch
and telepathic whole-body appreciations. Use material appreciations sparingly if at all.

At the end of the month evaluate the level of positive energy that's flowing between you.

2009 The Hendricks Institute 800.688.0772 www.hendricks.com

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FROM VICTIM TO CREATIVE POWER

You can make a quantum jump in your well-being and success by getting nimble at one simple
shift: From thinking and acting as a Victim to thinking and acting from True Creative Power.
When we think of ourselves as Victims, we put ourselves in a powerless position, then we try to
manipulate other people into giving us what we think we want, using strategies such as whining,
being aggressive or becoming needy through sickness and accidents. From thirty+ years of
transformation experience with thousands of people, we have never seen a single instance when
thinking and acting as a victim made anybody happy. Even when people make money off victim
hood (e.g., getting rich by suing a burger place for selling them hot coffee which they dropped in
their lap) they never seem to enjoy it or use it to contribute to their community. When we operate
from True Creative Power, we think of ourselves as equals with others. We always act to
empower ourselves while simultaneously empowering others. We live in the question, "How can
I contribute to all of us having a better time?"

Here's the choice:

I choose to experience life as a victim.
or
I choose to experience life as a person with true creative power.
Many people erroneously think they can wait and pick one depending on the situation. They
think, "I'll evaluate each situation to see if I'm actually being victimized, then if I don't think I am,
I'll choose to feel powerful. That's the same as choosing to experience life as a victim. The
choice to experience life as a genuinely powerful person liberates a huge amount of creative
energy, and most people are unwilling to enjoy that amount of energy.

You may think: "Hey, wait! Aren't there real victims in the world? What about the Holocaust,
civil rights injustices, etc.?" That's a worthwhile philosophical discussion--you might enjoy getting
a few people together to debate it--but debating any issue is not the same as choosing to become
more creatively powerful. The important question is: How much of my creative energy am I
wasting through thinking and acting as a victim?

Circle your choice above, then write it out and sign /date it below.

I, choose to experience life

(Your signature) (Date)

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OPENING THE GATE

The Master-Commitment
Which Turns Relationship Into a Spiritual Path

I accept relationship itself as a primary teacher about myself, others and

the mysteries of the universe. I let every relationship interaction, no matter
how seemingly important or trivial, deepen my connection to my own
essence, and the essence of others and the universe. I commit to clearing up
anything that keeps me from unity with myself, others and the universe. I
make a commitment to intimacy that is bigger than my commitment to being
right, justifying my positions, and repeating my conditioned patterns.

The Unconscious Commitment

Which Blocks the Path

I commit to ignoring and defending against the learning opportunities

offered to me every moment in my relationships. I avoid every opportunity to
discover who I really am, who others really are, and the true nature of the
universe. I commit to avoiding intimacy, and bring this commitment to life
by being right, justifying my positions and repeating my conditioned patterns.

(From The Conscious Heart: Seven Soul Choices That Create Your Relationship Destiny, by Kathlyn and
Gay Hendricks, Bantam, 1997).

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STUMBLING BLOCKS

Unconscious Commitments That Hinder the Journey

Every step on the spiritual path of relationship is a step into the unknown. No need,
therefore, to make ourselves wrong for stumbling. Stumbling is fine, okay, to be
expected. Perfection is unlikely for any of us. Progress is measured by how quickly
you can re-embrace your soul-commitments after you've slipped off. After all,
many of these unconscious commitments are not even our own ideas - we're born
into a group of people who already are practicing these commitments, and we
adopt them by what we see around us.

I commit to defending against closeness and limiting my

independence.

I commit to hiding the truth from myself and others.

I commit to blaming others for everything I don't like about

myself and my life.

I commit to being right at all costs, even if it destroys the

well-being of me and others.

I commit to suffering as the emotional tone of my life,

and to finding fault with myself and others.

I commit to stifling my creativity and hindering the creativity

of others.

I commit to ignoring my essence and the essence of others.

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WALKING THE PATH

Seven Soul-Commitments
That Allow You to Travel the Path Securely

I commit to closeness and independence.

I commit to full expression, to telling the truth about everything, including

my feelings, my thoughts and my actions. I commit to telling the inarguable truth
(instead. of giving opinions,. beliefs and prejudices). I commit to listening
non-judgmentally to myself and others.

I commit to taking full responsibility for my life. I commit to dispelling the

illusion that anyone else, living or dead, causes my feelings and actions, or is the
source of my limitations.

When faced with the choice between happiness and defensiveness, I commit
to choosing happiness. I commit to this especially when it seems totally obvious
that I am right and others are wrong.

I commit to loving and appreciating myself and others.

I commit to my full creative expression, and to inspiring the full

expression of others.

I commit to celebration as the emotional tone of my relationships.

Specifically, I commit to celebrating the essence of myself and others.

2009 The Hendricks Institute 800.688.0772 www.hendricks.com

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The Conscious Relationship Scale

Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks

Our experience over the past thirty+ years has shown that whether both people are open to learning is the
crucial factor in relationship success. Willingness to learn from each moment -- as opposed to defending ourselves by
stonewalling, explaining, justifying, withdrawing, blaming -- is much more important than IQ, family background or
education. The great advantage of openness-to-Iearning is that you're in charge of it at all times. You can choose to shift
out of defensiveness into genuine curiosity at any moment. Openness to learning can't be faked. You can feel instantly if
you're genuinely wondering or not. As you work together toward conscious loving, refer often to this scale. It will help
you discover where you're stuck and how to make productive leaps forward.

HIGH OPENNESS-TO-LEARNING

+5 CLAIMING FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR ISSUES, PROBLEMS, RESULTS.

I'm angry that you cleaned out your checking account and bought a new pick up truck for your lover.
I take full responsibility for inviting this situation into my life. While I'm figuring out how and why I created this,
I'd like you to find another place to live.

+4 APPRECIATING FEEDBACK, REGARDLESS OF HOW IT WAS DELIVERED.

Thanks for telling my I forgot to empty the trash. It hurt to have you attach the note to a bowling ball and drop it on
me while I napped, but perhaps it will help me to remember next time.

+3 LISTENING GENEROUSLY
Summarizing the other person's statements without interjecting your point-of-view. . .
If I'm hearing you accurately, you're saying you don't want to spend our vacation with my parents."

SHIFTS
+2 EXPRESSING GENUINE WONDER AND CURIOSITY
Hmmm...1 wonder why I created this problem at this point in my life?"

+1 TAKING AN OPEN, RELAXED POSTURE.

THE KEY TRANSITION MOVES

1) CHOOSE WONDERING OVER DEFENDING.
Take a deep breath, let go of your defensive posture, then make a sincere choice to wonder instead of defend.

2) MAKE A COMMITMENT TO LEARNING

"I commit to learning and growing in every interaction we have."

-1 SHOWING POLITE INTEREST OUTWARDLY WHILE INWARDLY CLINGING TO YOUR DEFENSIVE POSITION.
Examples of defensive moves: Explaining, justifying, denying.

-2 GOING SILENT, STONEWALLING, GETTING EDGY, SNAPPING

DRIFTS

-3 BECOMING RIGHTEOUSLY INDIGNATE

"I didn't have sex with that woman!!"
"How dare you even suggest that I had anything to do with that!"

-4 BLAMING, ATTACKING, THREATENING.

"If you don't stop doing that, I'm outta here."
"Why do you always flirt with every man/woman at every party we go to?"

-5 CREATING UPROAR OR MAKING AN ABRUPT DEPARTURE.

LOW OPENNESS- TO-LEARNING

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THE VICTIM - TO - POWER SCALE

+3 I express my full creativity, and I create a space around me that brings forth
others' creativity. I see other people as powerful and creative.
POWER

+2 Even under stress I take full responsibility for my feelings and actions. I'm clear
about what I really want and need, and enjoy getting and giving
support as others and I meet our needs and goals. I see others as fully
responsible.

+1 I catch myself running my "Victim-act" and re-commit to experiencing life as

a genuinely powerful creative person.

-1 I feel wounded, misunderstood and/or righteously indignant. Other people

look like they're having a better time. I argue with them to try to get them to
see how they're wronging me. I try to enlist others in seeing me as a victim.
If this doesn't work, I escalate to -2.
VICTIM

-2 I act whiny, helpless and/or entitled. Other people look like they're persecuting
me. I try to manipulate them into giving me what I want by whining louder or
acting more helpless.

If this doesn't work, I escalate to -3.

-3 I terrorize people with my hostility. I emit hate, and try to bring other people
down.

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The Key Miracle-Moves

from
THE TEN-SECOND MIRACLE
Gay Hendricks, Ph.D.
Based on our clinical research, we have found that the following techniques reliably produce
changeoften dramatic changewithin ten seconds after they are employed.

1. The First Miracle-Move: Feeling Through To Space

Instructions: With an intention to wonder (rather than criticize or fix), place your
attention on any sensation or feeling that is unarguably real inside your body. Maintain focus
on it until it dissolves, which usually occurs within ten seconds. When the technique is
applied artfully (and its taken us twenty years to research how to teach the artful
application), the feeling youre focusing onsay, tension in your neckdissolves and is
replaced by a spacious, open feeling. You also use this technique to notice the off-center
feelings that are your warning-flags signaling the presence of core emotions in your body.
When people learn to do this, their lives change dramatically, and not just in
relationships. My closest medical colleague has used this technique in successfully treating
over one thousand cases of chronic pain (e.g., low back pain, migraine, tension headache).

2. The Second Miracle-Move: Naming Energy Shifts

Instructions: In conversation with others, notice the shift of energy patterns as signaled
by body language. There are specific things to watch and three zones to pay attention to:
eyes, hands and mouth. At key moments, name the shift youve observed but never interpret.
Example: Mary, I notice when I asked you if you could meet the deadline, your eyes
blinked rapidly and your brow creased. Im wondering what you were thinking.

3. The Third Miracle-Move: Speaking from Discovery

Instructions: Make any statement that is unarguable, contains no blame and comes
from the intention of discovery rather than justification.
Imagine yourself feeling a racy, queasy feeling in your stomach while engaged in an
emotionally-charged conversation. You notice the other persons gaze wandering off. Instead
of saying Youre not listening to a word I say, use the Miracle- move to say Ive got racy,
queasy feelings in my stomach. As I tune in to it, I think Im afraid. Im wondering how we
can communicate here.

4. The Fourth Miracle-Move: Whole Body Accepting.

Instructions: Relax into accepting some aspect of reality, just as it is. Notice where in
your body you feel resistance to accepting the reality, and stay with the intention of

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acceptance until you feel a whole-body shift. You can try it out, using the following
instructions, just as I give them in my office.
Notice the feeling in your body of accepting what day it is today. For example,
suppose today is Friday. In your mind, think Today is Friday and I accept it. Fill in the blank
with whatever day it is. Repeat this sentence a few times in your mind. At the moment you
say the day, notice in your body what it feels like to accept whatever day it is. By contrast,
imagine how it might feel to resist accepting that its Friday. Your body would feel completely
different inside, even though it wouldnt change the fact that its Friday.
Now, use this same technique to accept something real that you havent been able to
accept. For one person its something about the past that cant be accepted...for another its
something about a body part...for a third its an unbearable loss. Until we accept reality at a
whole-body level, our bodies stay poised in a stance of resistance. Focus on your biggest
symptom, perhaps, or one of your biggest problems. For example, say Its Friday and Im
thirty pounds overweight. Or Its _______ and I hate my job. Or Its _______ and I cant
control my drinking.

5. The Fifth Miracle-Move: Wonder-Shift

Instructions: When you notice yourself worrying or recycling any repetitive thought
pattern, stop the train of thought and turn it into a wonder-question. A wonder-question
begins with the words I wonder... and asks a question you genuinely dont know the
answer to.
Example: You notice that you are worrying about whether you have enough money to
pay all your bills. You realize youve been recycling the same worries for days without any
productive ideas. You stop the thought-stream and introduce a wonder-question: How can I
always have plenty of money to do all the things I want to do? Then watch carefully what
happens in the next ten seconds.

6. The Sixth Miracle-Move: Immediate Ownership

Instructions: When any problem arises, make the three following related moves as
quickly as you can. Each produces instant results; all three together speed up the flow of
miracles. First, take ownership of the issue itself. If youre in an argument or difficult situation,
say I claim full responsibility for creating this argument or situation. This puts you in the
power position. Second, take ownership of the (unconscious) intention thats working. Say, I
must have a need to create an argument with you right now. Third, take ownership of the
solution. Say, I take responsibility for creating a favorable outcome. Do not under any
circumstances let the other persons reaction dictate how you proceed.

7. The Seventh Miracle-Move: Leading with Appreciation

Instructions: Before initiating any significant conversation, pause for a few seconds to
cultivate a feeling of genuine appreciation for the other person. Once attained, speak the
truth of this as your lead-in to whatever else you want to discuss.

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Speaking and Listening Commitment

Commitment comes from two Latin words which mean "to bring together" and "to send." So, to
commit means to unify yourself - body, mind and spirit - and to send this whole person forth on a
chosen path. The modern definition of commit is "to engage, pledge
and bind oneself to a certain path of conduct."

I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you, free of criticism.

(finding fault, censuring, disapproving)

I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you, free of evaluating either of us.
(appraising, determining the worth of...)

I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you, free of judging either of us as right or
wrong, good or bad, smart or stupid.

I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you, free of comparing us to each other or to
anyone else.
(Compare: "to bring things together to ascertain the differences and similarities to them")

I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you, free from controlling the feelings,
energies or actions of either of us.
(Control: "to curb, restrain, hold back, have authority over, direct or command")

I commit to listening carefully enough that I can restate the content of what you have said
without adding my point of view to it.

I commit to listening to the feelings and wants embedded in your communication.

I commit to listening in such a way that our mutual creativity is facilitated.

I commit to speaking and listening to myself and you with appreciation.

(Appreciation: "to be sensitively aware of" "to focus on the positive qualities
and attributes of")

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HONESTY IS THE BEST APHRODISIAC AND THE BEST SLEEP AID
In working with several thousand couples, as well as our own relationship, we have found
that absolute honesty is not only the best policy, it's the best enhancer of sexual flow and the best
way to get a good night's sleep.
If there is any significant truth you haven't communicated to your primary partner, you
forfeit the right to expect a good relationship with him or her. Most people don't realize this
simple principle, so when things aren't going well in the relationship, they look to the other
person as the source of what's wrong. If you don't feel sexually turned on to your partner, or if
you're having trouble getting a good night's sleep, you're likely to have a withheld truth that
needs communicating.
Here are the most popular examples from the couples we've worked with:
- I've had sexual experiences I haven't told you about.
- I've spent money you don't know about.
- I've got and I haven't told you about it.
- I'm still angry about .
- I'm still hurt about .
- I'm scared about .
- I really want and I'm afraid to tell you.
Most people tell us they haven't been honest with their partner because "my partner really
doesn't want to hear the truth" or because "I don't want to hurt her/him." When they get under
these superficial reasons, the reason usually turns out to be "I haven't told the truth because I
don't want to face the consequences." Under that is the real reason: "I haven't told the truth
because I fear living at the highest level of creativity and energy, and lying is one way I've
learned that will reliably dampen my energy."

On The Positive Side

People dread telling the truth because they fear the consequences, but in actual fact,
we've only seen positive consequences in the long-run for being honest. There is usually a short-
term flurry of upset about it, but the ultimate outcome is usually a more stable and higher-
functioning relationship.

The Acid Test

The best question to assess the health of a relationship: Is there anything significant about me or
my primary relationship that I've talked to a third party (friend, minister, therapist) about that I
haven't talked directly to my partner about?

Tips On Communicating Withheld Truths

- Don't do it while you or your partner are driving, operating kitchen equipment or at any
other time when an upset could cause physical injury.
- Don't use liquor or other drugs to loosen yourself up beforehand. This sends the wrong
message to your body, that you can't be honest unless you're chemically altered. Our bodies
need to know that they can be honest all the time.
- Don't think it has anything to do with the other person. If you've been thinking the other
person "isn't safe" or "doesn't want to hear it," you're missing the point. It's really about you and
your fear of living at the highest level of integrity and positive energy.

2009 The Hendricks Institute 800.688.0772 www.hendricks.com

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FEELINGS EXPLORATION

Which feeling(s) do you try to stop

in you?
your partner?

How?

Which feelings do you go away from

in you?
in your partner?

How?

When your partner is angry, what story/meaning do you give to that?

---angry at you?
---angry at themselves?
---angry about something/someone else?

Are you willing to commit to befriending all the feelings that arise in your
relationship?

What action step can you create to begin taking you towards living your
commitment every day?

2009 The Hendricks Institute 800.688.0772 www.hendricks.com

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2009 The Hendricks Institute 800.688.0772 www.hendricks.com

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THE ART OF CREATIVE TOSSING
(From Lasting Love: Gay Hendricks and Kathlyn Hendricks, Rodale, 2004)

The Basic Toss

Creativity stops in most relationships because somebody drops the ball in conversation. Wonder and
synergy also stall when the ball isn't tossed in the first place, but is hooked, slammed or dunked with an "I
Win!" attitude. The Art of the Toss crafts an intimate game and keeps it going, two benefits that accelerate
co-creativity.

Toss Your Communications

Verbal Tosses:

Tell me more about that.

What interested you most about that?
Hmmm ... I wonder how you experienced that.
Then what happened?
I'm curious to hear more.
I heard you say (summarize the gist of what you heard with an attitude of curiosity).
It sounds like you felt (excited, sad, scared, anxious, mad, etc.)

Problem-Solving Tossing
Stand facing your partner. Designate the first Leader. You both will toss in this activity.

Leader, think of an unresolved issue, something you'd like to clear up. Let you face take on an
exaggerated expression of the way you experience this issue right now, such as a scowl or pursed lips or
"Home Alone" face.
Now toss this facial expression to your partner. Think of the expression like a mask that you can actually
toss.
Partner, catch and try on this exaggerated expression on your face for a moment. Then make some
change in the facial expression and toss it back to the leader.
Leader, receive and try on the expression, then make some change in it and toss it back.
Toss and change several times until the leader experiences a shift in the issue. (The shift could be a
lightening up of loosening of the grip of the problem, a solution, or a sense of curiosity rather than stuck).

Variations:
You can extend the toss to include whole-body gestures and postures that you toss back and forth.
Explorers have reported generating more fun and creativity when they use a whole-body toss. Then shift
leaders and repeat the activity.
Each of you can toss body sensations or tension from one part of your body to another until the stress
loosens up. Remember, the quickest way to change your mind is to change your body.

Creative Tossing
Sometime when you are working on a project or want to generate some new ideas, use this movement
activity.
One of you think of the project and use your hands to sculpt the air in front of you into a shape that matches
your experience of it right now. Then toss the shape to your partner. Partner, reshape the sculpture and toss it
back. Make a few tosses, then add a word to the toss each time. Continue to toss and sculpt a few times until
you reach a satisfying completion."

Benefits of the Toss:

Players shift from power struggles and attempts to control the game to keeping the game going.
Players renew the game over and over.
Players gain skill in co-creating and confidence in making changes that benefit all players.

2009 The Hendricks Institute 800.688.0772 www.hendricks.com

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Appreciation Interview

1. How do you most like to be appreciated:

a. Verbally, written, or
?
b. Alone, with your partner, with friends, in public or
?
c. With or without props (flowers, cards, orchestra)?
2. What body sensations let you know you are expanding your capacity to receive
appreciation?
3. What does your partner do that really works in appreciating you?
4. What timing do you like best for appreciations? For example, do you like to
receive appreciations regularly, be surprised by them, or get a bunch at once?
5. What qualities, skills and attributes do you display that you would like
appreciated more?
6. What qualities about you, that youve tried to change or get rid of, would
you be open to truly appreciating?
7. Whats the current frequency of appreciation in your relationship? Would
you like to place a different order?
8. Day to day, what actions/events between you and your partner result in you
feeling most appreciated?

2009 The Hendricks Institute 800.688.0772 www.hendricks.com

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THE LASTING LOVE PLEDGE

Based on the concepts and techniques in LASTING LOVE: THE FIVE SECRETS OF GROWING A
VITAL, CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP (Rodale, 2004)

Kathlyn and Gay Hendricks

I understand that conscious commitment is the first step in creating passionate,

lasting love. I guarantee you that I want a passionate, lasting relationship with you.
I commit to doing whatever work I need to do to create and sustain lasting love
with you.

I understand that concealing my emotions-particularly anger, fear and sadness-

destroys the possibility of lasting love. I pledge to learn to recognize when I'm mad,
sad or scared, and to speak openly about those feelings to you.

I understand that blame and criticism erode lasting love. I pledge to stop blaming
and criticizing you. I pledge to start claiming complete responsibility for any
problems or issues that arise, while simultaneously giving you room to take
complete responsibility for them as well. I understand that I am 100% responsible
and you are 100% responsible for any issue that arises in our relationship.

I understand that defensiveness destroys lasting love, and that lasting love grows
when both people drop defensiveness and open themselves to learning in every
moment. I pledge to notice when I'm being defensive, and to shift into openness to
learning as soon as I'm aware of my defensiveness.

I understand that creativity is essential to me and to you. I know that when I'm not
expressing my creativity fully I tend to take it out on others by blaming and
criticizing them. I pledge to spend time every day nurturing and expressing my
creative passions.

I understand that being stingy with appreciation erodes closeness, and that
generously speaking appreciations to others grows closeness. I pledge to speak at
least five appreciations each day to you and anyone else I want to be close to. I
pledge to receive your appreciations to the best of my ability.

2009 The Hendricks Institute 800.688.0772 www.hendricks.com

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