Mendez 1

Eduardo Mendez

Professor Batty

English 28

May 30, 2017

What I do to Make it Better

This essay is my in class essay that I did for my English class. In this essay I had to talk about

how parents ignore their children to reply on their phone. My first essay thesis was very short, I

made it longer by talking about the parents responsibility in the child's education future which

was what I talked about in my essay. I also fixed some paragraphs for example, there was a

paragraph were I talk about the importance of the parent teaching at home. I felt like I didn't

explained it well and after I went with Diana she told me the same. So I added a couple sentences

explaining why it was really important. I also was lacking example information. I took some of

the stuff I had and added more information to it like for example. I will say something. The kid

wanted to be in the future. I took that and gave a better example of what a child would want to

be like a firefighter or a cop. Thanks to the help of Diana from class she made me realized the

importance in clearing up some words, like ghetto that I used a couple time. What is ghetto is a

huge question the audience might have so I explained it a little bit better. Overall I feel like my

revised essay is way better than the draft, I have more information and it is more clear the

importance of the parent in the child's future academics.