Finally, a definition of Marketing that makes sense....

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct
Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her
and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you
call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and
pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and
then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in
bed." That's Brand Recognition.

A guy walked into a pet store looking for a Christmas gift for his wife. The storekeeper said he knew
exactly what would please her and took a little bird out of its cage."This is Chet," he said, "and Chet
can sing Christmas carols and songs." Seeing the look of disbelief on the customer's face, he
proceeded to demonstrate."He needs warming up," he said. "Lend me your cigarette lighter."The
storekeeper lifted Chet's left wing and waved the flame lightly under it. Immediately, Chet sang: Oh
Come, All Ye Faithful."That's fantastic," said the customer."And listen to this," said the storekeeper,
warming Chet's other wing.Chet sang: O Little Town of Bethlehem."Wrap him up," said the customer,
"I'll take him!"When he got home he greeted his wife: "Honey, I can't wait until Christmas to show
you what I got you. This is fantastic."He unwrapped Chet's cage and showed the bird to his wife.
"Now, watch and listen."He raised Chet's left wing and held him over a Christmas candle that was
burning on the mantlepiece. Chet immediately began to sing Silent Night. The wife was delighted. As
Chet's right wing was warmed over the flame, he sang Joy To The World."Let me try it," said the wife,
seizing he bird. In her eagerness, she held Chet a little too close to the candle flame. Chet began to
sing passionately:"Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire!"

Pick A Power Word

The manager of a ladies' dress shop decided it was time to have a serious talk with
one of her sales clerks. "Janet, your figures are well below any of our other sales
clerks'. I'm sorry to say that unless you can improve your record soon, we will have
to let you go."
"I'm sorry, ma'am," Janet humbly replied. "Is there any advice you could give me
on how to do better?"
"There is an old trick I can tell you about," the manager said. "It may sound silly,
but it has worked for me in the past. Go through a dictionary until you come to a
word that has particular power for you. Memorize it and work it into your sales pitch
whenever it seems appropriate. You'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Janet's sales figures improved, and at the end of the month the
manager called her in again and congratulated her. "Did you try my little trick?" she
asked.
"Yes," Janet nodded. "It took me an entire weekend to find just the right word, but
I did... 'Fantastic'."
"'Fantastic'. What an excellent word," the manager said encouragingly. "How have
you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had
just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.'
She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most
popular girl in her class. I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $450 worth of clothing."
"My next customer," Janet continued, "told me she was in charge of the Spring Ball
at the country club and needed a new formal dress. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on
to tell me she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband
makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer
gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week:
the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Janet," complimented the manager. "Out of curiousity, what did
you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
"I used to say, 'Who gives a shit!'" Janet replied with a shrug.

It was Christmas Eve, and a lady hadn't had sex in a long time, so she decided to wait for
Santa. When he came down the chimney, she took off her shirt and said, "Ooh Santa,
please stay."

And he said, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know."

So she took off her pants and said, "No no - please stay."

And he replied, "Ho ho ho, guess I better go, gotta get toys to children, ya know."

So she took off everything else, and said, "Ooh, please stay."

And he said, "Hey hey hey, guess I better stay, can't get up the chimney with my d**k
this way!"

Mother: "Come on, Victor, you have to get out of bed or you'll be late for school."

Victor: "Mom, do I have to? All the teachers hate me, and all the students hate me, too."

Mother: "Yes, you do."

Victor: "Give me one good reason."

Mother: "Because you're 34 years old, and you're the principal."

At school one day, the teacher was trying to approach the topic of sex education and
asked her students if they'd ever seen anything that was related to sex education on TV.

Mary raised her hand and said she had seen a movie about women having babies.
Great, said the teacher, that's very important.

Then Judy raised her hand and told the teacher she had seen a TV show about people
getting married. Well, that has to do with it too, said the teacher.

Then Johnny raised his hand and said he had seen a western where some Indians came
riding over the hill and John Wayne shot them all. The teacher said, Well, Johnny, that
really doesn't have anything to do with sex education.

Yes it does, said Johnny, it taught those Indians not to f**k with John Wayne.

A teacher was telling her students about human anatomy in a sex education class. She
took her pointer and pointed to the picture of a male and a female.

"The female has two breasts and one vagina. The male has one penis."

A little boy in the front row jumped up and said that the teacher was wrong.

"My daddy has two penises. He has a short one that he pees with and a long one that he
brushes Mommy's teeth with!"

At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the
teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass
jock raises his hand.

"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''

''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''

The teacher was checking her student roster on the first day of school and saw that she
was missing three boys and one girl.

After a couple of minutes went by, a boy named John walked in and the teacher asked
where he was. He said, "Shree Hill."
Then another student, named Bill, walked in and the teacher asked where he was. He
also said, "Shree Hill."

Then the third boy, Shawn, walked in and the teacher asked him where he had been.
And he said, "On top of Shree Hill."

Then, a girl walked in and the teacher asked, "Who are you?"
And she said, "Shree Hill."

Three women are discussing their teenage daughters.

The first declares: "I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter''s room and I
found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn't even know that she smoked!"

"It gets worse than that," says the second mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s room
last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn't even know that she
drank!"

"Oh, it gets even worse than that," says the third mother. "I was tidying my daughter''s
room last week and you''ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of
condoms! I didn't even know that she had a penis!"