10,000 Steps

by JhingBautista

Ang love, parang football. Pagkatapos mong sipain palayo, saka mo naman
hahabulin. RXTMR

=================

10,000 Steps

I remembered one convo with StupidBratinella. It kinda ended like this (allow me to
paraphrase as I can't remember the exact words):

SB: Eh di isipin mo na lang ate, hindi yun nag-work out kase one step closer ka na
sa talagang para sa 'yo.

Sa isip ko... one step closer? More like 10, 000 cause it seems so long to find
that one guy that would make you feel like all your waiting is worth it.

Ayun... haha... read well...

--

Ang love, parang football. Pagkatapos mong sipain palayo, saka mo naman
hahabulin. RXTMR

Bakit may mga taong tanga? Noong nasayo pa siya, hindi mo iningatan. Tapos ngayong
wala na sa yo, saka mo hahanap-hanapin. Saka mo hahabol-habulin.

Saka ka manghihinayang...

Siguro nga nasa huli ang pagsisisi. Dahil kung nasa simula pa lang yun ng isang
pangyayari, siguroy hindi na natin mararamdaman yung panghihinayang. Hindi na tayo
matututo. Hindi na natin malalaman kung pano magpahalaga sa isang bagay habang
hawak pa natin ito.

Siguro nga ganun yun.

Kaya siguro hinayaan ko syang mawala...

A few months ago... I broke up with a girl Ive been with for like... forever. We
were childhood friends. We were childhood sweethearts. We were each others firsts.
And I thought we were each others last too.

For some, it was a beautiful thing. Hindi mo na kailangang magpa-impress sa kanya.

She knows you all too well. Bawat kibo, bawat buntong-hininga at bawat salitang
hindi mo binibitawan ay alam nya ang kahulugan. Maybe thats also why I quit.

Weve been together for so many years. Nagsawa ako. It came to a point na gusto ko
nang magtago sa kanya. Hindi ako makalusot eh. Bawat palusot ko, may counter-attack
sya. Alam na alam nya ang bawat kilos ko. Sometimes, it feels like she knows me
better than I know my own self.

Dagdag pa dyan yung pagpi-pressure sa kin ng mga magulang namin na ikasal kami
kahit ayaw ko pa. Marami pa akong pangarap sa buhay... thats what I always tell
them.

She said she understood. And then I later learned that she told everyone else that
I am such an ass for making her wait for so long. Kasalanan ko bang hindi pa ako
ready to settle down at 31?

Kung tutuusin nga eh dinaig pa namin ang ibang mag-asawa sa tagal naming
magkarelasyon. Almost 27 years na kaming magkasama. 15 years in a relationship.

Nakakasawa.

For the last three months, I have been tasting and savoring my newly found freedom.
I went to bars. I mingled. I drank a lot. Walang bungangera na palagi akong
pinuputakan ng walang dahilan. Walang palaging nagtatanong kung nasaan ako. Walang
palaging nagdududa kapag ginagabi ako ng uwi o kung hindi ako makareply sa mga text
at tawag.

Im a free man. Free to do whatever I want to do and free to like whoever I want to
like.

But theres always a downside. Syempre nang mawala sya, nawalan na rin akong ng
best friend. Nawalan ako ng tagaluto at tagaalaga. Nawalan ako ng sandigan at
inspirasyon. Nawalan ako ng motivation. Nawalan ako ng supporter. Nawala yung
kalahati ng pagkatao ko.

And just like before, I went back to being lost. Its true that we were born
complete. Nabuhay naman tayo nang wala yung mga other half natin di ba? And we were
happy before them. Nung dumagdag sila... yung 100 percent ng pagkatao natin ay
naging 200 percent. Technically, we are still complete at parang excess lang sila.
Pero bakit sa tuwing mawawala sila, feeling natin kulang tayo? Strange, isnt it?
Its like being water on a 100 liter jar. We are the water. We managed to fill the
jar on our own. When they came, hindi umawas yung tubig. Hindi sumobra. Bakit kamo?
Because we were put on a bigger jar. On a 200 liter jar. We managed to fill half of
the vessel for 2. They filled the rest.

So when they go, they take away half of our new container. A container we call a
relationship.

When we meet someone, we adjust ourselves to accommodate not only our needs. We
start thinking for two. We start feeling for two.

Imagine me doing that same thing for 27 years and then finally letting go after.
Mahirap di ba? Habit starts after doing something continuously for 21 days. Mine is
way beyond habit. I was in love. And maybe I still am. Or maybe Im not.

Maybe I've grown too attached that Ive mistaken dependency for love. Hindi ko
alam. I havent seen her since. After that day when I talked to her about breaking
up, she didnt see me again. She stopped calling. She stopped nagging. She stopped
caring.

I dont know... maybe what I did was whats best for both of us. Siguro nga ay
matagal na naming gustong mangyari ito... we were just too afraid of what the
consequences might be.

Or maybe I made a mistake. Hindi ko alam. Sayang ang napakaraming taon ano? This
put me into such a dilemma. Hindi ko alam kung iniisip ko lang ba na mali to dahil
nanghihinayang ako sa napakaraming taon na bigla kong binitawan. Im afraid that I
will not find another love a greatif not greateras that.

I need to see her once again just to be sure. I wanted to make sure that I made the
right choice.

Heres the tricky part thoughhow would you tell your ex that you wanted to see her
just to be sure that you made the right choice of dumping her?

Ryza, my exshes a very understanding person. She understands me so much that no

matter how I explain myself, shell never believe me. Shell believe what she
thinks is rightwhich is usually wrong. But you know how girls are. They are so
complicated. Sa tagal naming magkarelasyon, hindi ko sya nagawang maintindihan.

Yes, alam ko na ang gagawin kapag nagtatampo sya. I know what shes feeling when
she purses her lips or what shes thinking (more or less) when shes frowning so
hard. I know how to make her feel better. I know what saddens her... But in spite
all that, I still cant understand her.
Lalo na kapag may PMS sya. Hindi ko alam ang gagawin ko around her. Palagi syang
galit. Marinig nya lang akong huminga, nagagalit na sya.

When I broke up with her, she didnt actually cry. She was contemplating on crying
or punching me in the face that time... well, she did the latter. She punched me so
hard, I almost fell back. Then she said sorry and left.

The last sight I have of her was her back turned against me, her hips swaying as
she walks away. Her fists were clenched like shes just imagining my neck on her
hands as she chokes it.

Man, that sight was sexy. I stopped myself before doing this stupid thing of
following her.

Or maybe that wasnt so stupid...

I contacted her mother kase nagpalit na daw sya ng number so I have no way of
contacting her. She blocked me on Facebook and in all those networking sites that
we have our accounts in.

Nakiusap ako kay Tita to ask Ryza to go to this place where we used to go when we
were still together. Nang tanungin ako kung bakit, wala akong maisagot. May tampo
sa kin ang buong pamilya ni Ryza matapos kong gawin yung ginawa ko so if I tell
her my intentions, shell get mad at me for sure.

So sinabi ko na lang na may ibibigay ako kay Ryza...

Remnants of our old relationship.

And then she asked if Im sure of my decision and I said yes without even blinking.
Right after I said the word though... parang bigla akong nagdalawang-isip. Ang
weird. Parang kalahati ng inilagi ko sa mundo ang nawala since I lost Ryza...

Yun ang masaklap kapag masyado ka nang familiar sa isang tao. Nababago yung mind
set mo. From Ive lived alone and Id die alone to I cant imagine my life
without you.

But I have to put an end to it... whatever it is. I have to go back to being
alone... I have to know if there is someone for me out there. Someone who deserves
me more than she does.
I want to know if I could exist in a world where shes doesnt exist.

The day of meet up, sa dami ng jitters na nararamdaman ko, parang ayaw ko ng
tumuloy. Paano na lang kapag hindi ko napigilan ang sarili ko at yakapin ko sya
pagkakita ko sa kanya? Paano na lang kung lumuhod ako bigla sa harapan nya at mag-
proposeforever tying myself to her?

Paano na lang kung marealize ko na namimiss ko sya and that my life is not the same
without her?

You might be thinking that I need not worry because she might be feeling the same
and is just waiting for me to get back to my senses pero... paano kung hindi? Paano
kung pareho kami ng na-realize? Na hindi talaga kami para sa isat isa? Na for the
sake of familiarity and dependency lang kaya naging kami.

What if we were both looking for a world outside us?

Ipagdadasal ko na lang siguro na mapanindigan ko ang desisyon ko at sana hindi sya

masyadong nasasaktan sa ginawa ko. At one point in time, alam kong minahal ko sya.
I just cant figure out if that is the greatest love Ive had given that there is
nothing to compare it with.

Siguro nga mali sa parte ko na maghanap ng mas pa sa pinagsamahan namin pero hindi
ko lang kase yun maalis sa isip ko. Na paano kung nagtatagal lang kami dahil
nasanay na kaming kami lang?

If I felt bad after breaking up with her and would feel worse when I see her
again... I think Ill know what to do. Kung malalaman ko na hindi ko kayang mawala
sya ulit sa paningin ko after seeing her again, then Id be willing to spend the
rest of my life trying to get her back.

That is.... if.

Huminga muna ako ng malalim before entering the premise that we know all too well.
Halos kasabay na namin sa pagtanda ang lugar na ito. When we were kids, we used to
order ice cream pancakes. Tatlong patong-patong na mainit na pancakes yun tapos may
vanilla ice cream sa ibabaw at chocolate or maple syrup na kasama.
Kami ang nagpauso nun eh. Hanggang ngayon, nasa menu pa rin sya.

RyCecakes... Ipinangalan pa nila after us. Ryza and Cedric. Tuwing birthday,
monthsary or anniversary namin, on the house lahat ng i-order naming pagkain.
Ninong ko sa binyag ang may-ari ng diner na to. Magiging ninong ko pa sana sa
kasal if I proposed to Ryza.

Ang dami ngang nalungkot nung nag-break kami eh. Funny how people get affected over
things that dont concern them. Nagluksa sila... literally. Akala mo humabol sila
sa Halloween when they decorated the shop with black curtains and gloomy decors.

Nalulungkot sila. Kase nga naman, naging malaking parte kami ng diner na yun. We
helped rebuild the shop ng masunog yun 9 years ago. Kami yung nagbuo ng bagong
menu. Kami yung nagdo-donate ng pera for renovations.

Kami yung resident lovers na ipinagkakalat nila ang story sa mga taong kumakain
dun. Halos lahat nga sa bayan namin ay kilala na kami at alam na ang buong love
story namin. Its sad to see good things come to an end. I mean, why do they have
to end di ba? Well, I guess happiness has an expiry date. Yung sa amin lang, akala
mo hindi na darating...

Hi.

Naupo ako sa tapat nya. She was sipping coffee at that time. Hindi na ako nagulat
ng makita kong maiksi na naman ang buhok nya. She does that every time we break up.
And yes, we do break up from time to time. Pero pinakamatagal na noon ay isang
buwan at tatlong araw. Hindi kami makatiis na malayo sa isat isa eh.

I dont know what changed. Kung bakit ngayon parang mas magaan na sa pakiramdam na
magkalayo kami. Maybe it does come with maturity...

Hello, she replied. Bakit gusto mong makipagkita? she asked.

I had to see you, I answered.

Why?

I shrugged. Ewan ko. Siguro gusto ko lang malaman kung tama ang naging desisyon
kong makipaghiwalay.

She blinked and for a moment, I was captivated by the batting of her long
eyelashes. Her beautiful doe eyes can control a man into doing what she wants. Ive
been a slave of those eyes for so many years. Even now, they still have their
effect on me though its not as potent as before.
You mean you need some sort of closure? she asked.

I nodded.

Bumuntong-hininga sya bago muling nagsalita. I guess I need that too.

We fell silent as our orders came in. Same as before, only now the pancakes looked
smaller and less appetizing. I remembered how we used to share our pancakes with
each othergiven na gusto nya is maple syrup and mine is chocolate.

Tinanguan ko yung nag-serve. Si Ate Sheila... naalala ko pa dati, tinuruan nya ako
ng ligaw tips na ginamit ko naman kay Ryza. Dito ako unang nagtapat kay Ryza. Dito
din nya ako sinagot. After that, nagpa-party sina Kuya Atom (anak ng may-ari ng
diner).

Party meaning on the house na ang lahat ng orders ng mga kumakain that time.

Imagine that, sinagot pa lang nya ako. What more kung nag-propose ako sa kanya and
she said yes? Or what if we were actually wed? Pamihadong malulugi ang diner sa
dami ng perang gagastusin nila just to celebrate with us.

Ngumiti si Ate Sheila sa kin before going back to the kitchen. When I followed her
with my gaze, saka ko lang napansin na ang dami palang nakatingin sa min. Yung mga
bata na pinapapasko ko tuwing Pasko. Yung mga kapitbahay naming tsismosa. Yung
teacher ko nung elementary...

Isa lang ang nakikita ko sa mga mata nila... and pag-asang balikan ang magaganap
ngayong araw.

Kumusta ka na pala? tanong sa kin ni Ryza, diverting my attention back to her.

Okay lang naman, sagot ko.

Missing me? she asked with a grin.

Ngumiti rin ako, not really sure what to answer. If I say I miss her... would that
mean that I miss her or us and the way we used to be? If I say I dont... will she
take it badly?

Slight. I chose the safe answer.

I miss you too... slight, nakangiti nyang sabi.

We started eating the pancakes to fill in the silence.

Have you been crying? I asked her.

She shrugged. You?

I smiled in response.

I guess its working out for both of us huh?

Yeah... I guess.

May nakita ka na bang bago?

Wala pa... ikaw?

Umiling sya.

Ced... if I get married to someone else, will you be my best man? she asked.

Only if youll be my bridesmaid at my wedding, I answered. Ngumiti sya.

When do you plan to settle down? I asked her.

I dont know, sagot nya. Ikaw?

I shrugged.

What if... we both turned 40 and still arent married?

Then I suggest we marry each other.

Natawa sya. Ano yun? Last choice?

Dont you think its nice if we ended up together after all these?

Yeah. I wouldnt mind being your last, sagot nya.

Its settled then. Magkita tayo after 9 years. Kapag wala pa tayong asawa by then,
tayo na lang... okay? I held out my hand.

She accepted it. Deal."

With that deal, I went home feeling satisfied. Now I know... I already outgrew that
love that I felt a long time ago. I can move on with my life now without any
regrets.

Of course, it was only 9 years later when I learned that she didnt really get over
me. Exactly 9 years later, dumalo ako sa libing ng papa ni Kuya Atom. I saw her
then, still single. May asawa na ako at tatlong anak. We didnt really get the
chance to talk... probably because she was trying her best to avoid me.

I thought we parted ways without any hard feelings. I thought we both got that
closure we both want. In reality, ako lang pala ang nag-move on. Ako lang pala ang
sumaya.

They said that she cried right after I left the diner. And that she never fell out
of love for me. What was dependency and familiarity for me was true love for her.
So true, she never got over it.

Kaya pala hindi ko sya mahagilap nung kasal ko.

Kaya pala hindi na sya nagpakita sa kin.

Kaya pala nung di sinasadyang nagtagpo yung mga mata namin, for a split second, I
saw tears fall from her eyes... which she immediately brushed away bago sya
ngumiti at nag-iwas ng tingin.

I feel awful but what can I do now? Hindi nya kase sinabi. Akala ko okay lang sa
kanya. Kahit anong sorry ang gawin ko ngayon wala namang mababago. Things will
never be the same...

I chose to walk away. And she chose to let me go.

---fin---