THE WANGS

S4E9

"Madame Salty Eggs"

Harry Jonathan Chong

2/26/2017

Emily Wang becomes pregnant after shaking hands with an alien.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Where the Wangs live.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, LIVING ROOM - DAY

CHANG, MINDY, HARRY, EMMA, and CRAIG are gathered in front of

a portal machine: a high-tech looking, ring-shaped piece of
technology that seems to have taken the spot of the usual
flat screen TV.

Beside the portal machine we see Chang, whos wearing a pair

of protective goggles, and has his hand gripped on a long
lever.

CHANG
Alright, lets just go over this
one more time. What is rule #1 when
visiting Slime City?

CRAIG
Never talk about Slime City.

CHANG
Nooo, thats Fight Club.

Harry raises his hand.

HARRY
Dont touch anything?

CHANG
Exactly. If you touch something,
you will be all sticky, and gooey
like a dirty, British whore.

EMMA
(looking around)
Heyyy, has anyone seen Emily?

CHANG
Emilys studying for a test.

Chang angrily points to Harry.

CHANG (CONTD)
Why the fuck arent you studying
for anything?!

HARRY
You told me not to.
 2.

CHANG
Fair play, Harry. Fair play to yah.
Fair fucking play.

MINDY
Chang, do you have to swear so
much?

CHANG
Philosophically speaking, fuck yes.

Mindy rolls her eyes.

CHANG (CONTD)
Alright, everybody! Now lets get
the fuck outta here!

Chang pulls the lever on his portal machine, and a gateway

into another world opens up.

Chang gets in front, and gestures the others follow. He goes

in, and then so do Mindy, Harry, Emma, and Craig.

Now, we can only presume they are in this place called SLIME
CITY.

However, the portal machine is yet to be turned off.

A moment after the Wangs (minus Emily) leave a human-looking

alien named ZEDDY through the machine enters the living room.

Pleased, he looks around.

ZEDDY
(grinning)
Hmmm, I think Ill like it here.

EXT. TINY LITTLE STREET - DAY

Emily is walking down a tiny, little street. She is wearing

her BACKPACK, headed for school.

And then she stops when Zeddy suddenly appears in front of

her, having come out from some bushes.

Emily seems a bit startled, but isnt afraid.

ZEDDY
Hello, sweetness.

EMILY
Can I help you?
 3.

ZEDDY
I want to shake your hand.

Zeddy extends his arm for a handshake.

EMILY
Hmm, well, I cant see the harm in
dong that. OK! I will shake your
hand.

So, Emily gives Zeddy a handshake. But then quickly pulls

away.

EMILY (CONTD)
Your handshake feels so weird.

ZEDDY
What can I say? Im a weird guy.

EMILY
I gotta go now.

Emily starts walking away. Zeddy puts his hands in his

pockets, and is grinning ear to ear.

Emily shudders. Somethings off.

EXT. HIGH SCHOOL #90456 - DAY

Emily enters through the doors of her high school.

INT. HIGH SCHOOL #90456, SCIENCE CLASS - DAY

Emily is in science class doing a test, but there is a
strained look on her face. She is profusely sweating, like
she has a fever.

Her teacher MISS BEA, who is walking up, and down sees this.

MISS BEA
Miss Wang, is there a problem?
Youre sweating like a rapist.

EMILY
Huh?

Emily wipes some sweat off her forehead.

EMILY (CONTD)
Yeah, Im not feeling so good. My
belly hurts.
 4.

MISS BEA
Maybe you gotta take a real big
shit?

EMILY
I dunno. It doesnt feel like that.

MISS BEA
Go to the bathroom, and sit on the
toilet. Im sure youll be able to
drop a deuce.

EMILY
Wait, arent you afraid I could
cheat?

MISS BEA
The only cheater Im worried about
is my husband.

Miss Bea winks.

EMILY
Why, why are you winking?

INT. HIGH SCHOOL #90456, GIRLS BATHROOM - DAY

Emily stumbles into the bathroom. She goes to the mirror, and
weakly leans on the sink. She turns on the faucet, and
splashes cool water on her face.

Then a RANDOM GIRL comes out of a bathroom stall, and starts

heading for the door. She stops, and stares at Emily.
RANDOM GIRL
Hey, fatso! Lose some weight!

Emily looks annoyed, but says nothing. The Random Girl

leaves.

EMILY
Im not fat.

Emily looks down at her belly. Then in the mirror she turns
so as to see her profile.

Her belly is huge. It looks like shes pregnant.

EMILY (CONTD)
What the shit? I look like Harry!
 5.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

Emily, wearing her BACKPACK, returns home.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Enter Emily. She finds the alien named ZEDDY lounging on a

sofa, reading a book.

He doesnt have much else to do, since the portal machine is

still in the spot where the Wangs TV ought to be.

EMILY
Excuse me, what the hell are you
doing in my house?

Zeddy puts down his book, and gets to his feet, and smiles.
He puts out his arms as if wanting a hug.

ZEDDY
Darling, youre home!

EMILY
You better get out of here before I
call the cops.

ZEDDY
Go ahead, call the cops.

Emily takes out her cellphone. The cellphone explodes.

Surprised, she defensively steps back.

EMILY
Whoa! What the fuck?
ZEDDY
I used my psychic abilities to
destroy your shit.

EMILY
Is your name Uri Geller?

ZEDDY
No, its Zeddy. Im an alien from a
planet called Zellerz.

EMILY
Zellerz?

ZEDDY
(nods)
Zellerz.
 6.

EMILY
Alright, pal. Ive had enough of
this. Its time to kick your ass.

Emily steps up to Zeddy, but Zeddy puts out his hands.

ZEDDY
Wait, you cant attack me. Im your
husband!

EMILY
What?

ZEDDY
Remember when we made love to each
other?

EMILY
Huh? Wait a minute. Arent you that
guy who I shook hands with?

ZEDDY
Yes, exactly. On my planet thats
how we mate. If you shake someones
hand you marry them, and you make
babies.

Zeddy shows Emily the palm of his right hand, which opens up,
and has something that looks like an alien wiener come out.

EMILY
Oh my God! This explains why my
bellys so huge!

Emily holds her belly.

ZEDDY
Yes, youre pregnant, and now Ill
live with you in your home -- I
mean OUR home.

EMILY
Fuck that. Im giving you the boot.

Emily makes a fist, and pulls it back. As she is about to

punch Zeddy, Zeddy uses his psychic abilities.

Following Emily with his eyes, he throws Emily into the

ceiling, and then to the floor -- and then ceiling, floor,
ceiling, floor, ceiling, floor, ceiling, floor, ceiling,
floor.

At the end of it, Emily is bruised, and battered. Shes now

only partially conscious. She GROANS, and cant stand up.
 7.

EMILY (CONTD)
(groaning)
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhn...

ZEDDY
Now, now, be an obedient wife, and
maybe Ill treat yah nice.

EMILY
Im... gonna... kill... you...

ZEDDY
Not if youre shackled.

EMILY
W-what?

Zeddy snaps his fingers, and a floating shackle, and chain,

and metal spike appear.

Zeddy points at Emily, and the shackle, and chain attach to

her ankle.

The metal spike then drives into the end of the chain, and
floor, anchoring down our heroine.

ZEDDY
That should keep you in place --
BITCH!

EMILY
Youre... a bitch. A big, fat...
dirty... bitch. You got... bitch
tits.
ZEDDY
Nuh-uh!

Zeddy lifts up his shirt. His body looks really bony, and
weird.

ZEDDY (CONTD)
Im ripped! Look at my nipples!
Theyre so hard, and stiff! You
could juice lemons on them!

EMILY
Here on earth... we dont... brag
about our nipples.

ZEDDY
Is that so?
 8.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Zeddy is asleep in Chang and Mindys bed. Hes wrapped up in

blanket like hes in a cocoon. Only his face is showing.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Emily is now fully conscious. Still wearing her BACKPACK, and

still looking pregnant, we notice, she is trying to literally
unshackle herself.

She is holding the spike keeping her fixed to the floor, and
pulling it with all her strength. She pulls so hard that when
the spike dislodges she falls onto her bottom. But she is
free.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, MASTER BEDROOM - NIGHT

Zeddy is still in bed. He shakes his head, and says something

in his sleep.

ZEDDY
Mmm, no, I cant deal with this
shit anymore. Get it off my chest.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, LIVING ROOM, MAIN FOYER - NIGHT

Emily opens the closet. She takes out a red tool box inside,
and from that retrieves a hammer.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - NIGHT

Emily runs outside. Shackle-free, and wearing her backpack
per usual, she hastily runs onto the street.

EXT. SLIME CITY - DAY

Chang, Mindy, Harry, Emma, and Craig are walking through

Slime City.

It looks like a regular city, almost, except the native

inhabitants are made out of slime.

MINDY
Hmm, I wonder what Emilys up to.

CHANG
As long as shes not pregnant, I
dont care.
 9.

EXT. KRUMLIN HOSPITAL, FRONT - NIGHT

Waddling with her big belly, and backpack, Emily arrives at

the local hospital. She goes through the sliding doors.

INT. KRUMLIN HOSPITAL, RECEPTION AREA - NIGHT

Emily goes up to the counter at the front, where theres a

RECEPTIONIST chewing some gum, and reading a book.

Emily CLEARS HER THROAT.

EMILY
(clearing throat)
Ahem!

The Receptionist apathetically looks up.

RECEPTIONIST
Can I help you?

EMILY
Im pregnant. But, but, Im not a
whore. Someone gave me the business
without my consent.

RECEPTIONIST
Alright then. So what do you want
from me?

EMILY
I need help. Hospital help.

RECEPTIONIST
Kay. Howd you like to pay? Cash,
or credit card?

EMILY
OH... How much is it?

RECEPTIONIST
If you dont have insurance its
9,000 bananas -- bananas meaning
money.

EMILY
Jesus H Christ! What do you think,
money grows on trees?

RECEPTIONIST
If theyre bananas, yes.
 10.

EXT. KRUMLIN HOSPITAL, FRONT - DAY

Emily leaves holding her belly. She looks unsteady on her

feet. Her face is in pain.

EMILY
Oh, God! Its comin out!

She stumbles her way around the corner of the hospital.

EXT. KRUMLIN HOSPITAL, BACK AREA - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Emily has her back against a dumpster; shes sitting on the

bare ground, holding her belly. Her legs are uncrossed,
placed out like a woman about to give birth.

EMILY
Holy fuck! Holy fuck! Im gonna
burst!

Emilys belly is swelling, and pulsating. Then it happens.

She has her baby --

WHICH LITERALLY BURSTS THROUGH HER BELLY.

Emily looks at the baby, which is half human, and half alien.
It has eyes like a goat.

The baby, simply named BABY, smiles at Emily.

Seeing this thing half inside of her, and half outside, Emily
in shock blacks out.

INT. KRUMLIN HOSPITAL, HOSPITAL ROOM - DAY

Emilys eyes open. She awakes in bed. She sees NURSE JACKIE
CHAN looking down at her.

NURSE JACKIE CHAN

Top of the mornin to yah.

Emily sits up, and looks around.

EMILY
What, what am I doing in here?

NURSE JACKIE CHAN

We found you passed out by the
dumpster. So, we took you in, and
stitched you up.
 11.

EMILY
Oh... How much do I owe you?

NURSE JACKIE CHAN

Nothing. Its pro-bono.

EMILY
Really? Aw, thanks.

NURSE JACKIE CHAN

Do you want to see your baby now?

EMILY
Ummm... Alrighty then.

Nurse Jackie Chan gets BABY from a bassinet, and hands him
to Emily.

Baby we notice is wrapped up in a warm, blue blanket, and

despite his goat eyes, actually looks kinda cute. But Emily
is tentative, and does not hold him affectionately.

NURSE JACKIE CHAN

Is this your first?

EMILY
Yes, maam.

NURSE JACKIE CHAN

I see. Can I ask you a question?

EMILY
Sure.

NURSE JACKIE CHAN

Did you fuck a goat?

EMILY
What?

NURSE JACKIE CHAN

Your baby has goat eyes. Im
thinking maybe you fucked a goat?
Are you a goat fucker?

EMILY
Im not a goat fucker.

NURSE JACKIE CHAN

Yeaaah, thats exactly what a goat
fucker would say.

Emily glares at Nurse Jackie Chan.

 12.

EXT. JEFFYS CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

Jeffys Convenience Store, a place where you buy stuff for

more than it should cost.

INT. JEFFYS CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

Jeffy -- the owner of this store, an older, angry-looking

man, with an eyepatch -- is behind the front counter feeding
his doberman pinscher. He tosses a sausage into its mouth,
which it happily eats.

Meanwhile, Emily -- whos holding BABY, and wearing her usual

backpack -- is at the back looking at some diapers.

Emily glances over her shoulder to see if anyones there; the

coast is clear.

Emily gently places down Baby, and takes off her backpack.
Backpack on the floor, she unzips it, and grabs the diapers,
and stuffs them inside.

We CUT TO Emily coming out of the aisles with Baby in hand,

and backpack on her back. As she is walking for the exit
Jeffy stares at her with his one eye.

When he speaks up, Emily stops to hear what he has to say.

JEFFY
I hope you got everything you
needed, miss.

EMILY
(slightly nervous)
Oh, uhhh, yes -- I came here to get
some snacks, but then I remembered
Im on a diet. All my friends tell
me that my heads too fat. Head
fat, as you know, is the hardest to
type of fat to lose.

Jeffy, with his dog, comes out from behind the counter, and
they approach Emily.

JEFFY
May I see whats in your backpack?

EMILY
Theres nothing in there. Just
girly stuff, like, um, chewing gum,
and pictures of Hillary Clinton.

Jeffy narrows his eye, and aggressively grabs Emilys arm.

 13.

JEFFY
I dont like Hillary Clinton.

EXT. JEFFYS CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

The sliding doors quickly open.

Emily, holding Baby in her arms, comes running out of Jeffys

Convenience Store.

Jeffy, and his dog comes out, too.

But Jeffy, who we see is holding Emilys backpack, doesnt

give further chase. Instead he commands his dog by pointing.

JEFFY
TEAR HER HEAD OFF, NESSA!

The dog, whilst barking, and growling, sprints for Emily.

EXT. JEFFYS STREET - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

We come to the street alongside Jeffys Convenience Store.

Emily whos still trying to escape runs down the sidewalk,

and into the road. She barely avoids the numerous cars
passing by, but safely gets to the other side.

She turns around, and looks back, and sees Jeffys dog come
up to the curbside. But the dog stops, and hesitates looking
ahead at all the traffic.

But the dog makes an attempt anyway, and tries crossing. It

gets to the middle, and is then hit by a car that doesnt
stop whatsoever.

The dog is obliterated. It explodes. Its blood, and guts,

seemingly, go everywhere.

Emily looks to be in shock.

EMILY
Oh, Jesus!

She wipes some blood off her face.

Theres an uncomfortable silence as Emily stares -- but then

Baby LAUGHS. His infant mind thinks this is hysterical. LOL!
 14.

EXT. LE HOMELESS SHELTER - NIGHT

Emily with Baby is tentatively looking at the homeless

shelter. It looks run down, if intimidating.

But nevertheless she reaches out, and grabs the doors

handle. She goes in.

INT. LE HOMELESS SHELTER - NIGHT

In a dank, dark room full of snoozing homeless people, Emily

is lying down, staring up at the ceiling. Shes thinking out
loud with Baby by her side, who is sound asleep.

EMILY
So, this is my life?
(sighs)
Whys it that nothing ever works
out for me? Does God hate me? Did I
do something to get on his enemies
list?

MADAME SALTY EGGS, a Jamaican woman laying next to Emily,

chimes in.

MADAME SALTY EGGS

Booyakasha!

Emily turns head toward Madame Salty Eggs, looking at her

like, WTF?

MADAME SALTY EGGS (CONTD)

The reason your life sucks is
cause yah dont have a psychic in
your life.

EMILY
What do you know about psychics?

MADAME SALTY EGGS

Am a psychic. I know all, and I see
all.

EMILY
Like Santa Claus.

MADAME SALTY EGGS

Only more powerful.

EMILY
If youre such a powerful psychic,
then why are you in a homeless
shelter?
 15.

MADAME SALTY EGGS

This is how I get my powers. The
stink of homeless people fuels me.
Especially their farts.

Madame Salty Eggs gets up, and goes over to a random homeless
man, and smells his bum. Her eyes bulge out.

MADAME SALTY EGGS (CONTD)

I can feel it working already.

Madame Salty Eggs then returns to her spot to speak with

Emily.

MADAME SALTY EGGS (CONTD)

Would you like a psychic reading?

EMILY
How much will it cost?

MADAME SALTY EGGS

Like drugs the first ones free.

EMILY
(skeptically)
Okay then. Lets hear it. What does
the future hold for me?

MADAME SALTY EGGS

You will be miserable your whole
life, and then die a terrible,
terrible death.

EMILY
Seriously?
MADAME SALTY EGGS
Would you like to know how to
prevent this?

EMILY
Please.

MADAME SALTY EGGS

NO.

EMILY
No?

MADAME SALTY EGGS

Unless you have money.

EMILY
You said its free.
 16.

MADAME SALTY EGGS

Foolish, girl. Only the first ones
free. Now I need compensation. As
my friend Jamoca used to say: FUCK
YOU. PAY ME.

EMILY
Never mind. Your prediction is
stupid, and vague. Guess what!
Everyone is miserable, and everyone
dies! Surprise, surprise mother-
fuckers! Now, excuse me, I need to
get some shuteye. Good night, Miss
Cleo.

Emily turns her head away, and tries to get some shuteye.
Madame Salty Eggs does the same.

We have a moment of silence, and then --

MADAME SALTY EGGS

(low voice)
Booyakasha, Emily Wang.
Booyakasha....

Suddenly, Emily opens up her eyes. How does this stranger

know her name, and furthermore what does booyakasha mean?

EXT. PENDEJO DRIVE, EMILYS BEGGING SPOT - DAY

Emily is with Baby, looking extremely disheveled. Shes

sitting on the sidewalk, BEGGING for money.

She has a paper cup, for change, and a sign that says: $?
But no ones giving. A bunch of people pass by without taking
so much as a glance.

Emily sighs.

EMILY
I need to clear my head.
(to Baby)
Baby, you wanna go for a walk?

Baby gurgles.

CUT TO:

Emily is taking a leisurely stroll with Baby. Not doing

anything in particular, just looking around, and walking
through Pendejo Drive, which has a lot of nice looking shops.
 17.

EXT. PENDEJO DRIVE, TOY SHOPPE - DAY (CONTINUOUS)

Speaking of shops, Emily, and Baby go past a toy shop called:

TOYS 4 US.

Baby makes some excited baby noises, and reaches his arms
back as if trying to grasp.

Emily looks at Baby.

EMILY
What is it? Do you see something?

Emily sees the toy shop.

EMILY (CONTD)
The toy shop, eh? Hmm, okay. Lets
go take a look.

Emily takes Baby to the front of the toy shop, where the
front window is displaying a brand new toy called: Carrot
Kid.

Carrot Kid is a talking doll packaged in a big, shiny box.

Carrot Kid has short red hair, blue eyes, overalls, and
striped clothing to appeal to children.

EMILY (CONTD)
Ew, what an ugly doll.

Baby gestures, and, making noise, reaches out. It seems he

really wants this Carrot Kid.

Emily notices.
EMILY (CONTD)
Whoa. You dont really want that
thing, do you?

BABY
I do.

EMILY
The fuck? You can talk?

BABY
Not to brag, but my species is
rather intelligent. Our babies are
all very smart. Its like that
movie, Baby Geniuses, only no
humans.
 18.

EMILY
So, uh, uh, okay... You want me to
get that for you?

Emily points to a Carrot Kid.

BABY
Mother, it would please me very
much.

EMILY
Wow. Youre so polite.

BABY
Yes. Children are usually the
opposite of their parents.

EMILY
Ill pretend you didnt say that.

Emily now takes Baby into the toy shop.

INT. PENDEJO DRIVE, TOY SHOPPE - DAY

Emily, and Baby enter the toy shop. A chime above the door
makes a sound. Then an eager SALES LADY greets them.

SALES LADY
Hiya! Welcome to Toys 4 Us! How may
I help you?

Emily is a bit put off by the Sales Ladys enthusiasm.

EMILY
Oh... Um, I was just wondering
about the dolls on display.

SALES LADY
Ah, yes, Carrot Kid. Its the
hottest toy we have right now.
Were constantly selling out.
Youre lucky you came in.

EMILY
How much does it cost?

SALES LADY
$500.

EMILY
$500 for a doll?
 19.

SALES LADY
Its no ordinary doll. It can
talking, and sing, and dance.

EMILY
I can do that too, but you dont
see anyone giving me $500.

SALES LADY
You can dance?

EMILY
Hells, yeah.

Emily hands Baby to the Sales Lady, and then proceeds to

dance; she dances like a giant albatross hopping on stilts.

The Sales Lady is stunned in silence, only able to stare. But

then Emily soon finishes, and ends with a striking pose.

EMILY (CONTD)
What do you think?

The Sales Lady returns Baby to Emily.

SALES LADY
Anyway, if you cant afford the
doll, you know, the toy company is
holding a contest.

The Sales Lady hands Emily a PAPER ADVERT for a contest being
held by Toy Buzz Toys.

It reads something like:

Defeat Fluffy the Rabbit in a fight, and win a Carrot Kid
doll! Contest takes place this Friday at the 03 SPORTS ARENA!
Brought to you by Toy Buzz Toys!

In the corner there is a picture of a cute, little rabbit.

EMILY
What the hell?

SALES LADY
What the hell indeed. But its the
only way you can get a doll without
paying any money.

EMILY
I dont want to enter a contest,
where I have to fight a rabbit -- a
rabbit named Fluffy, no less.
 20.

All of a sudden the Sales Lady loses her cool, and yells at
Emily with clenched hands.

SALES LADY
JUST DO IT! FUCKING DO IT! WHAT THE
FUCK HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?!?

EMILY
(taken aback)
Alright, alright! Fine! Ill do it.
Jesus, lady, whats your problem?

SALES LADY
Im sorry. Im bipolar.

EMILY
Hey, whatever you are its cool
with me. Id never judge someone
because of their sexuality.

The Sales Lady folds her arms, and glares at Emily.

EMILY (CONTD)
Stop glaring at me. Only I may
glare.

Now Emily glares back at the Sales Lady. They both glare at
each other. Theres lots of glaring going on. Very awkward
glaring.

EXT. 03 SPORTS ARENA - DAY

Establishing shot.

INT. 03 SPORTS ARENA - DAY

We have a sweeping view of the sports arena, and then we

enter the octagon, where the ANNOUNCER begins the event.

ANNOUNCER
Ladies, and gentlemen, welcome to
the 03 Sports Arena! This is the
event youve all been waiting for!
A worlds first, an unprecedented
battle between mankind, and the
animal kingdom!

The crowd, which includes Baby, makes some noise.

ANNOUNCER (CONTD)
IN THIS CORNER, we have Emily The
Whip Wang!
 21.

The Announcer gestures, pointing his arm to Emily, who we see

in the octagon in a karate-style gi.

ANNOUNCER (CONTD)
And in this corner stands Fluffy
the rabbit, the only fighting
rabbit in the world!

The Announcer then points to Fluffy the rabbit, standing on

the opposite side.

Fluffy, however, is no ordinary rabbit. He is housed in a

mech(anical) suit. He is sitting before a control panel,
under a protective glass dome, where normally a head would
be.

Its like a mix between Mysterio, and a Transformers

character.

Emily sees this, and is baffled, if afraid.

EMILY
(to self)
Wait... Wait a minute. How come the
rabbits in a mech suit?

The Announcer continues on.

ANNOUNCER
Refereeing this competition tonight
is Herb J. Mazzagatti.

We see the ref, Herb Mazzagatti, who waves to the cameras.

ANNOUNCER (CONTD)
And now lets GET THIS STARTED!

Emily, Fluffy (whos in his mech suit), the Announcer, and

Herb Mazzagatti meet in the middle of the octagon to begin
the fight.

Emily, and Fluffy face one another.

Herb Mazzagatti stands between them, while the Announcer

holds his mic out for Mazzagatti.

MAZZAGATTI
Okay, gentlemen.
(to the fighters)
Listen to my instructions. Protect
yourself at all times, and obey the
rules. Touch gloves if you want, if
not, return to your corners.
 22.

Emily puts out her gloves for a fist bump. But Fluffy instead
does an up yours gesture.

The crowd boos.

Mazzagatti nods. Emily, and Fluffy go back to their corners,

and the Announcer leaves the octagon.

Mazzagatti now stands in the middle, and chops the air to

signal the start of the match.

MAZZAGATTI (CONTD)
BEGIN!

Emily, and Fluffy meet again in the middle, and square off.
Mazzagatti stands by watching them carefully.

Emily, and Fluffy tentatively move about the octagon,

fidgeting, waiting for the right time to attack.

EMILY (V.O.)
(to self)
Dont be afraid, Emily. Hes big,
but remember, the bigger they are,
the harder they fall... Actually,
that kinda sounds like bullshit. I
mean, lets say an ant fought a
human. Not even a full sized human.
A TODDLER. Im pretty sure the ant
would be squashed immediately.
Thats not even a fair fight. But
thats life, right? Life isnt
fair.
(beat)
GODDAMN IT, EMILY! FOCUS!
Emily throws a punch at Fluffys body. We hear a loud KLANG!

Fluffy is unaffected, but Emilys hand has been cracked.

Emily pulls her hand back, and holds it in pain.

EMILY
Ow! Mother fucker!

Now Fluffy returns fire. Fluffy takes two big swings at

Emily. Emily dodges them both.

So Fluffy follows up with a straight punch to Emilys belly,

knocking her down, and knocking the wind out of her.

Emily wheezes, gasping for air. As she gets onto her hands,
and knees, Fluffy grabs her by one leg, and Bamm-Bamm
Rubbles her, slamming her side to side a good five times.
 23.

Emily is hurt, but Fluffy doesnt care. He mounts Emily, and

starts punching her from the top. He gets off about a dozen
punches.

At this time, we see Baby who is watching nearby in the

crowd. We see that hes wincing. The sight is unbearable.

BABY
Mother is in trouble. I have to
help her.

Baby looks at the man next to him, who is chewing on a carrot

like Bugs Bunny.

WE RETURN to Fluffy, whos still on top of Emily, and about

to throw a big punch. He pulls his fist way, way back --

THEN someone (Baby) throws a carrot, which lands in the

middle of the octagon.

Fluffy starts sniffing the air. In his mech suit, he gets off
Emily, and turns around, and goes to pick up the orange
vegetable.

As he is doing so, Emily, just barely, gets back to her feet.

She walks over to Fluffy, standing behind, and taps him.

EMILY
Hey, mother fucker, the fights not
finished yet.

Fluffy turns around to face Emily. Fluffy grabs Emily, and

throws her.

As Emily is flying through the air, she compacts her legs,

and then makes contact with the fence, and leaps off of it.

Now she heads towards Fluffy, and she does a twirling kick to
his dome.

His dome breaks, and he becomes exposed.

Emily, from the impact, falls down. Its not graceful, but
she lands on bended knee. She gets up, and puts up her dukes.

EMILY (CONTD)
Come on, carrot muncher! HIT ME!

Fluffy scowls, and then he throws a huge uppercut. Emily

moves back, and avoids the attack.

The fist of Fluffy, however, continues on its trajectory, and

Fluffy punches himself right in his rabbity body.
 24.

Fluffy is KNOCKED OUT OF HIS MECH SUIT, and he falls down

onto the mat of the octagon, and starts running.

Emily chases after him, and they go around in a circle.

Emily dives, and manages to grab him. Standing, she picks him
up, and holds him with a squeeze. She angrily stares at him.

EMILY (CONTD)
You son of a bitch! I should end
you right here, right now!

Fluffys face is unmoved. He just looks like...a rabbit.

EMILY (CONTD)
Say something, asshole!

Emily sighs.

EMILY (CONTD)
What am I doing? Hes just a
rabbit. I should let him go.

So, Emily starts lowering Fluffy -- AND THEN LAST SECOND SHE
PUNTS HIM.

The rabbit goes flying through the air, and disappears in the
darkness of the arena.

On seeing this, the crowd boos.

However, Emily raises up her arms in victory. Shes won the

fight.

EXT. GRIMY BRIDGE - DAY

Emily, and Baby, whos in a diaper (rather than his usual

blanket), are sitting under a grimy, abandoned bridge, which
appears to be a haven of sorts for homeless people.

We see theres a metal barrel for a fire, an empty shopping

cart, a line to dry clothes, and numerous tents for shelter.

EMILY
Well, Baby, we dont have it all,
but at least we have something.

Emily retrieves a garbage bag, and from it takes out a brand

new, Carrot Kid doll.

EMILY (CONTD)
What do you think?
 25.

Baby smiles. Emily unboxes Carrot Kid, and stands it in front

of Baby.

But Baby knocks it away, and goes for the cardboard box.

Emilys confused. Baby crawls inside the box, and sticks out
his head.

BABY
Thank you for the present, mother!
Its wonderful!

Baby is playing pretend in the box. Hes not interested in

Carrot Kid whatsoever.

BABY (CONTD)
Oooh, its like Im in a cave... Or
maybe a spaceship!

Emily EXHALES.

EMILY
Glad you like it.

EXT. 90 KERRY CRES - DAY

RORY the Raccoon is chasing around a squirrel. But other than

that everything seems quiet.

INT. 90 KERRY CRES, LIVING ROOM - DAY

Zeddy is sitting on a couch with his legs crossed. Hes

reading a book called The Color Nurple.
All of a sudden we hear the front door in the main foyer kick
open.

Emily, and Baby come inside the house, and enter the living
room to face Zeddy.

Zeddy looks up, and sees that BABY IS WEARING A MECH SUIT,
the very same one that once belonged to Fluffy.

Emily points to Zeddy.

EMILY
Get off my couch!

Zeddy tries running, but Baby grabs him, and holds him by
either end. Then he starts pulling in opposite directions.
 26.

Zeddy SCREAMS, and is killed, and torn apart. Upon being torn
apart a bunch of candy comes out of his body, much like a
pinata.

EMILY (CONTD)
Whoa, he was made out of candy!

BABY
Sweet, sweet candy.

Emily picks up a piece of pink candy, and eats it.

EMILY
Mmm, tastes like Chicken...Bones.

At this moment, the portal machine in the living room is

activated, and turns on.

Through the portal machine, Chang, Mindy, Harry, Emma, and

Craig return. They are completely covered in slime.

Baby, and Emily turn towards them, noticing their presence.

EMILY (CONTD)
Hey, you guys are finally home!

Chang looks at Baby in his mech suit.

CHANG
Whos that?

EMILY
My baby.

CHANG
Your baby?

Chang faints. Mindy tries to catch him, but being slimy he

falls through her arms, and hits the floor with a THUD!

Everyone looks with surprise, except Mindy who is more

nonchalant.

MINDY
Ah, Im sure hell be fine.

EXT. ADOPTION CENTER - DAY

Mindy, and Emily, and her Baby are inside. We see their car
parked beside the kerb.
 27.

INT. ADOPTION CENTER - DAY

Mindy, and Emily, whos holding Baby, are standing at the

reception desk, where a SOCIAL WORKER is speaking to them.

SOCIAL WORKER
Dont you worry. Well take very
good care of your baby, and find it
a warm, loving home. Thats what
were here for.

So, Emily hesitantly hands Baby to the Social Worker.

SOCIAL WORKER (CONTD)

Youve made the right decision.

The Social Worker takes Baby, and puts him under what looks
like a clear, open pipe, and then Baby is sucked up, and in
an instant taken away.

Babys fading giggle can be heard. It seems hes having fun.

But Emily is sad. The look on her face is stunned. She turns
toward Mindy, and Mindy holds her to comfort her.

EXT. FUPA CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

18 years later...

A RANDOM KID on a hover board passes by.

INT. FUPA CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

Were at the checkout area.

There are three people here: Baby, as an adult, who we cant

yet see, a RANDOM CUSTOMER thats being served, and Emily who
is behind, waiting to buy a bottle of Orangina.

The RANDOM CUSTOMER takes her bags away, and leaves. Emily
goes up next, and sees Baby.

BABY
(smiles)
Hello, miss, how do you do?

Emily recognizes Baby. Shes frozen. She doesnt know what to

say.

EMILY (V.O.)
Could it be? Is it he? Yes, I
recognize that face.
(MORE)
 28.
EMILY (V.O.) (CONT'D)
Its my baby that I gave up for
adoption all those years ago.

Baby waves his hand in front of Emilys face.

BABY
Are you okay?

EMILY
Oh, sorry. You just look really
familiar. You remind me of someone
I know.

BABY
Oh, yeah, and who would that be?

EMILY
A, ummm, a cousin.

BABY
Really? Interesting.

EMILY
Hey, can I ask you
something...sorta weird?

BABY
(shrugs)
Sure, why not?

EMILY
Sooo...
(fast)
Hows your life? How are you doing?
Howre your parents treating you?
What, whatve you been up to
lately?

BABY
Yah, uh, Im doing great. Im just
working part time to earn some
money. My parents are lovely, aaand
Ill be going to school to become a
doctor. That pretty much sums up
everything, I think.

EMILY
Wow. Youre going to become a
doctor. Thats...amazing.

BABY
Thanks.
 29.

Now, Baby scans Emilys Orangina, and the total comes up to

$3.00. She pays for her item, and goes on her way.

But before she hits the exit, she stops, and looks back at
Baby.

Baby smiles, and waves at her.

EXT. FUPA CONVENIENCE STORE - DAY

Emily leaves the Fupa Convenience Store. Then she suddenly

stops walking.

EMILY (V.O.)
All of a sudden I stopped in my
tracks -- for a warmth came over
me. A light in my heart shone, like
the golden glow of a sun.

She starts crying. She closes her eyes as tears roll down her
cheeks.

EMILY (V.O.)
Knowing my son was in good hands,
that he was growing into a smart,
handsome, young man, I was put at
ease. All my worries vanished.
Finally, after so many years, that
empty feeling inside of me
disappeared. I now felt whole, and
for the first time in my life, I
truly was happy. I had tears of
joy.
Emily wipes her wet face.

INT. DOORSET PUBLISHING HOUSE, OFFICE - DAY

Emily, whos back to her young-self, is sitting opposite to

the CHIEF EDITOR of Doorset Publishing House.

He is seated behind a large desk. He has a book in his hands,

which is Emilys proposed novel.

CHIEF EDITOR
You expect me to believe this is
based on a true story?

EMILY
Not the last bit, where I was in my
30s. That was artistic license.
(MORE)
 30.
EMILY (CONT'D)
I only added that in to bring my
book to a conclusion. But the rest
is totally true.

The Chief Editor slams the book shut, and drops it into his
wastebasket.

EMILY (CONTD)
Hey...

CHIEF EDITOR
How stupid do you think I am? You
expect me to believe in aliens?
That pop out of your belly?

Emily nods. The Editor in Chief points to the door.

CHIEF EDITOR (CONTD)

Get the fuck out!

EXT. DOORSET PUBLISHING HOUSE - DAY

Emily is walking away from Doorset Publishing. As she does so

an alien ship surreptitiously appears, and hovers above the
building.

The alien ship using a tractor beam sucks out the frightened
Chief Editor from his office. In spite of this, Emily is
unawares.

Then the alien ship uses a laser weapon to completely level

the publishing house building.

A moment after, it zooms up into the sky, and disappears.

Only now does Emily turn around, and she sees whats
happened. She puts her hands on her cheeks.

EMILY
Whoa! What the fuuuu --

CUT TO:

As instrumental music plays, Emily pops up through a logo-

marked drum, and gestures, swooshing her hand.

EMILY (CONTD)
Th-th-thats all, folks! Now, get
the fuck out of here, you idiots!
Go read a mother fucking book!

Emily angrily points to us.

FADE OUT.