THE WANGS

GHOSTIES (S1E5)

Written by

Harry Jonathan Chong

9/26/2015

Chang Wang discovers he was born in the U.S.A. but to obtain his
birth certificate, he and his family must clear out a gaggle of
ghosts living in a haunted house.
EXT. PARK DAY

Chang, with his hands on his hips, is standing in front of

Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig, who are sat on a bench.

CHANG
Good news, everyone. My phone call
with my mom has revealed something
very spectacular.

EMILY
Someone discovered a cure for
cancer?

CHANG
No. Even better. It turns out that
I am NOT an illegal immigrant.

MINDY
Huh?

CHANG
I'm an American! I was born in
America!

CRAIG
GET OUT.

CHANG
It's true. When I was younger my
mom lied to me, and told me I was
born in Taiwan -- but so I wouldn't
leave her, and go to America for a
better life.
HARRY
So, Grandma is a liar?

Chang slaps Harry in the face.

CHANG
Don't talk that way about your
grandmother! ...Oh, wait a minute.
Yes. Yes, she is a liar. Sorry
about that.

Harry holds his reddened cheek.

CHANG (CONTD)
Anyway, there's only one problem.
 2.

EMILY
You're gay, and you're leaving mom
for a man named Hoolio.

CHANG
No, Emily. That's actually
incorrect.

MINDY
Just tell us already.

CHANG
Okay, here's the thing. Yes, I am
an American, but my papers are in
the attic of a house where my mom
used to live.

MINDY
And the problem is?

CHANG
If a stranger visited your house,
and asked to rummage through your
attic, would you let them?

MINDY
We'll go there, and explain. I'm
sure we can work something out.

EXT. HAUNTED MANSION - DAY

Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig stand in front of a

beautiful mansion (which doesn't look haunted from outward
appearances). They look up in awe.
HARRY
Whoa, it's huge.

EMILY
Heh. That's what she said.

MINDY
Emily, now's not the time for -
oh, wait, I get it now. Ha-ha.

CRAIG
(to Chang)
So, Grandma used to live in a
mansion?
 3.

CHANG
She was a servant. Well, that's
what she told me. Maybe this place
is actually a whore house. Whore
houses are always fancy for some
reason.

MINDY
You know a lot about whore houses,
eh?

CHANG
Nooo... I watched a documentary
about them. It was called: Kiss
Kiss Bang Bang for Money.

MINDY
(sarcastic)
How creative.

CHANG
Anyway...

Chang knocks on the door of the mansion, and the Wangs await
to see someone. But there is no answer. Chang knocks again.
It's the same thing.

CHANG (CONTD)
(knocking)
Hellooooo! Is anyone home?! I need
to rummage through your attic, so I
can prove where I was born!

Chang knocks some more, but this time a bit angrily.

CHANG (CONT'D)
Open up, you rich assholes!

At this moment an older black man wearing an eye patch

appears. A former rapper, from the 1950s, his name is RUSS-T.

RUSS-T
You're wastin' your time, sir!

Chang stops knocking, and with his family, looks at Russ-T.

RUSS-T (CONTD)
That place's been abandoned since
sliced bread.

CHANG
I don't know what that means.
 4.

RUSS-T
Ain't nobody there, stupid.

MINDY
And why is no one there?

CHANG
Did you just call me stupid?

Chang is ignored.

RUSS-T
See now, the thing about that place
is there were some very gruesome
deaths in there a long time ago,
and now everyone believes it's
haunted with white people. 'Cause,
you know, White people looove being
ghosts. Not like us black folks. We
die, we leave that alleyway full of
crackheads ASAP.

EMILY
So, what happened?

RUSS-T
A family was staying in that
mansion, and they died because of
carbon monoxide poisoning.

EMILY
That doesn't sound so bad. I mean,
it is bad that they died, but it
doesn't sound gruesome like you
said.
RUSS-T
The deaths alone were not gruesome,
but what happened to their bodies
afterwards was. Yah see, it was a
necrophiliac that murdered them,
and when the family died, he
visited the mansion with a gas
mask, and fu --

MINDY
OKAY! I think we have enough
details.

HARRY
Mom, what's a necrophiliac?
 5.

MINDY
(sweating, embarrassed)
Ummm, it's a person who really
likes...nectarines?

HARRY
Wait a minute, so I'm a
necrophiliac then? Ha! Wow! Cool.

Harry turns around, and raises his arms in the air.

HARRY (CONTD)
I'M A NECROPHILIAC!

A RANDOM MAN, a stranger passing by, looks at Harry, and

nods.

RANDOM MAN
Not my cup of tea, but to each
their own.

EXT. FRONT OF, KWALITEE REAL ESTATE AGENCY DAY

It's a nice looking building. The sign atop says: Kwalitee

Real Estate.

INT. WAITING AREA, KWALITEE REAL ESTATE AGENCY DAY

The inside of the agency looks like a piece of crap. Old

furniture, peeling wall paper, etc. Chang, Mindy, Emily,
Harry, and Craig are seated, waiting to be called by the
SECRETARY, who's on the phone, with her feet up on her desk.
SECRETARY
(on phone)
Alright, yup, mhm, mhm. Mmmmhm.
Gotcha.

The Secretary puts her feet down, and gets off the phone. She
stretches out her neck, and throws a paper ball at Chang's
face to get his attention. It does the trick.

SECRETARY (CONTD)
Mr. Hershlag's ready to see you
now.

INT. HERSHLAG'S OFFICE, KWALITEE REAL ESTATE AGENCY DAY

Mister HERSHLAG is a stressed out, old looking Jewish man,

with thick glasses, and a leisure suit. He puts out a
cigarette into an ashtray, one of many.
 6.

There is a cloud of smoke around his head. He waves it away,

and looks at Chang, and Mindy who are seated in front of him.

HERSHLAG
So, what can I do for you two? I
have some properties for sale.
They're really cheap. I have a new
house. Just listed. A real bargain
too.

MINDY
What's the catch?

HERSHLAG
It's in a gang-infested area.

Mindy blinks, incredulously.

HERSHLAG (CONTD)
I mean, no, it's not in a gang-
infested area. I was kidding.

CHANG
Look, we're not here to buy any of
your properties. We need your help.

HERSHLAG
Why should I help you?

CHANG
Because, uhhh, you're Jewish. And
I'm Jewish. We Jews should help
each other out.

HERSHLAG
You're not Jewish.

CHANG
OK. I'm not a Jew. But I thought
about converting after watching
Sophie's Choice.

HERSHLAG
What? Why?

CHANG
Meryl Streep is very attractive --
for an 80 year old woman.

HERSHLAG
Okay, w-what do you want from me?
 7.

CHANG
You're in charge of that big
mansion, right? You know the one,
where everyone died.

HERSHLAG
You'll have to be more specific.

CHANG
The family. They died of carbon
monoxide poisoning.

HERHSLAG
Oh, yah, that. What about it?

CHANG
I have reason to believe my birth
certificate is stored in the attic.

HERSHLAG
It's not in there. Everything's
been cleared out. I have all that
stuff in my storage locker.

CHANG
Can we take a look?

HERSHSLAG
Yes -- but first you have to do me
a favor.

CHANG
I'm not having sex with you.

HERSHLAG
No, I... What? I want you to get
the ghosts out of the mansion.

CHANG
Wait. That place is actually
haunted?

Hershlag nods, and starts smoking a cigarette.

HERSHLAG
When I bought that mansion I had no
idea. Now, it's gonna put me under,
if I don't sell it soon. I need
your help, sir.

CHANG
But why me?
 8.

HERSHLAG
I pretty much ask everyone. I'm
desperate.

CHANG
Wait. If that place is really
haunted, why don't you just set it
up as an exhibit or show? Charge
people to go in, and see the
ghosts.

HERSHLAG
Yes, I tried that, and then the
ghosts murdered all the visitors,
creating even more ghosts.

CHANG
Fine. I'll clear out your ghosts,
but I want access to that storage
locker.

HERSHLAG
You got yourself a deal, pal.

Chang and Hershlag shake hands.

EXT. FOREST NEAR MILITARY BASE DAY

Behind a bush, Chang is staring through binoculars at the

military base, which has a fence gate, and two guards at the
front.

Chang accompanied by his family: Mindy, Emily, Craig, and

Harry. Harry who is wearing a WW2 style helmet with netting
on it.

CHANG
There it is: the Military Base. All
I have to do is break in, and I can
get everything I need for ghost
hunting. But heres the problem --
I don't know what to do. Does
anyone have a plan that I could
use?

CRAIG
Kill everyone?

CHANG
Nnnnno, no more killing.
 9.

HARRY
I know. How about you hijack a
truck, and crash it through the
gate?

EMILY
You're so stupid, Harry. That's a
stupid, idiotic idea.

HARRY
Screw you, Emily. I don't see you
doing anything.

MINDY
Guys, lower your voices.

CHANG
Y'know what, since no one has any
better ideas, I think I'll do the
truck thing.

MINDY
No. That's a stupid, idiotic idea.

EMILY
(to Harry)
See, I told you.

CHANG
Too late, Mindy! I've made up my
mind! Im going to hijack a truck,
and crash it through the gate.

EXT. AT THE GATES, MILITARY BASE - DAY

The two guards at the front are standing in front of the
gate. Their eyes go wide, and they dive out of the way as a
big truck comes speeding towards them.

The truck crashes through gate, creating an opening. The

guards get up, and run into the military base.

We hear the sound of gunshots, and a man dying in agonizing

pain.

A moment later, Chang appears, holding a box of pizza,

wearing a pizza delivery man's uniform. He is pretending to
work for a fake company called: Dragon Fist Pizza.

CHANG
Wow. How lucky. Now I don't have to
pretend to be a pizza man to sneak
inside. But am kinda disappointed.
(MORE)
 10.
CHANG (CONT'D)
They won't get to eat the special
pizza that Craig made.

Chang puts the pizza box on the ground, and casually strolls
into the military base. As soon as he is out of sight the
pizza box explodes.

EXT. SUPPLY WAREHOUSE, MILITARY BASE DAY

Chang, back in his normal clothes, has his back to the wall.
He slides along it, until he reaches the door. He then uses
an expired credit card, and puts it between the crack of the
door, and gets it open. He goes inside.

INT. SUPPLY WAREHOUSE, MILITARY BASE DAY

The warehouse is as big as an Ikea, and is full of crates,

and boxes. Chang keeps a low profile, sneaking through. He
gets to the end of this facility, and spots an enormous man,
a 600 pound military security guard, melded into the seat of
his disability scooter.

Wearing earbuds, JO-BO is eating a box of donuts, while

sitting in front of a sophisticated looking electronic
console with a large screen, which is displaying the Spinning
Dancer optical illusion.

JO-BO
Aw, gee. I don't know which way
she's spinning. Is it clock-wise,
or counter-clock-wise. I don't
know. It, it keeps changing!
CHANG
(to self)
I've gotta knock him out somehow.

Chang jumps up on Jo-Bo's back, and tries strangling him -

with great difficulty. He can barely get his arms his neck.

CHANG (CONTD)
SAY GOOD NIGHT, BIG BOY! MY REAR
NAKED CHOKE IS UNSTOPPABLE!

But Jo-Bo is not even affected.

CHANG (CONTD)
Feel the pain! You must be blacking
out by now!

Jo-Bo continues eating donuts, like nothing's happening.

Chang is sweating. His arms are tired.
 11.

He lets go of Jo-Bo, and from behind catches his breath. Bent

over his hands rest against his knees.

CHANG (CONTD)
(quiet voice)
So, this is what it was like when
David fought Goliath? Except, um, I
think David won, right?

Jo-Bo finishes his donuts. He gasps in horror.

JO-BO
Oh no, I've run out of donuts! Must
acquire more!

Jo-Bo then spins his scooter around, and spots Chang.

Chang stands erect, knowing he's been caught. Nervous, he

gingerly waves.

CHANG
Umm, hello!

JO-BO
Intruder!

Jo-Bo starts chasing Chang with his scooter. Chang runs as

fast as he can, but the scooter is rather fast.

Chang looks back, over his shoulder.

CHANG
Lord Jesus, help me!

JO-BO
You're dead! Dead, you hear me!?

Suddenly the front wheel of Jo-Bo's scooter gets caught in a

pothole in the ground. He flips off his vehicle, and begins
rolling like a boulder.

Chang nevertheless continues running ahead. But soon the

boulder that is Jo-Bo is about to run him over, but last
second Chang dives, and rolls out of the way.

Jo-Bo then literally crashes into a pile of crates. The pile

of crates creates a big fiery explosion for which Chang
shields his face.

Now, Jo-Bo, what remains of him, and the destroyed crates are
sitting in a mountain of flames.

Chang stands to his feet, and gazes at the flaming mess. He

puts his hand on his heart in sadness.
 12.

CHANG
Oh my God, I killed him. This is
terrible -- BUT at least in his
death something positive has
happened.

We see there are some people that look like campers, roasting
marshmallows on the fire.

CHANG (CONTD)
Mmmm, marshmallows.
(waves to campers)
Hey, you guys! Are you making
smores?! Smores! FUCKING SMORES!

EXT. SUPPLY WAREHOUSE, MILITARY BASE DAY

Happily whistling, Chang comes out of the warehouse with a

wheelbarrow full of electronics, doodads, and miscellaneous
technological stuff.

As he wheels away his stuff we see soldiers in the background

fighting a giant insect monster that can shoot lasers from
its eyes.

EXT. SHED, MELVIN'S BACKYARD NIGHT

There is a shed in this backyard. It looks quite spacious for

a shed. A hobo could live in there.

INT. SHED, MELVIN'S BACKYARD NIGHT

Chang is alone in the shed furiously building something. He
bangs a hammer and chisel, then wields a blowtorch, and
finally, a screwdriver. He finishes up, and we see on a table
that he has built a device to aid in the capturing of ghosts.

This device called the GHOST WRANGLER is the size of a

backpack, and is made out of titanium. It has an assortment
of lights, and switches, and wires sticking out on the body,
which makes it look dangerous yet intriguing.

Affixed to the ghost wrangler, with a thick cable, is the ZAP

STICK, a wand-like attachment for the shooting, and aiming of
an anti-matter stream made out of fluorescent particles to
literally rope in ghosts.

The zap stick is kept atop the ghost wrangler, much like a
sword.
 13.

CHANG
(whew)
Finally, I'm finished.

Chang puts the ghost wrangler on his back, and withdraws the
zap stick. He flips a switch on the zap stick, and activates
the unit.

The ghost wrangler makes a sound like a device charging up,

and then lights on the back turn on, and blink.

Chang holding the zap stick with a two-hand grip, steps in

front of a mirror, and takes a look at himself.

CHANG (CONTD)
Not bad, if I say so myself.

He seems rather pleased, but then the door to the shed slides
open. The owner of the shed, MELVIN, is standing before
Chang, wielding a baseball bat.

MELVIN
Hey, what the hell are you doing in
my shed?!

Armed with his ghost wrangler, Chang slowly turns around to

Melvin.

EXT. SHED, MELVIN'S BACKYARD NIGHT

Screaming, Melvin runs away from the shed as fast as he can.

Chang is using his ghost wrangler to shoot an anti-matter
stream at him.

EXT. HAUNTED MANSION NIGHT

In this order, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig are stood in a

lined formation.

They are all wearing spiffy, beige, ghost capturing uniforms;

however, Craig, unlike Mindy, Emily, and Harry, is not
wearing a ghost wrangler device on his back.

But he doesn't seem bothered, and stays in place while Chang,

who is wearing a uniform and ghost wrangler on his back,
walks back, and forth, giving a lecture.

CHANG
Listen up, fam! Those things on
your backs are ghost wranglers.
They are not toys; they are anti-
matter devices designed to
(MORE)
 14.
CHANG (CONT'D)
entangle the dead. So, be
responsible with them, and use them
wisely, and above all, whatever you
do, do not cross the anti-matter
streams.

HARRY
W-w-what happens if we cross the
streams?

CHANG
A dwarf will appear from thin air,
and punch you square in the balls.

HARRY
Really?

CHANG
No. Just don't do it, okay?

Harry nods.

CHANG (CONTD)
Any more questions?

Emily raises her hand.

EMILY
Do I have to do this?

CHANG
Do you like receiving your
allowance?

EMILY
I don't get an allowance.

CHANG
Yes, but if you help me out, maybe
I'll think about it.

Chang shakes his pants pocket, jingling some coins.

MINDY
Chang, don't bribe the children.
You know you can't afford it.

CRAIG
I am a robot.

CHANG
Yes, we know that.
(to the group)
Okay, now, everyone.
(MORE)
 15.
CHANG (CONT'D)
Prepare your proton packs - I
mean, ghost wranglers. We are about
to enter the haunted mansion.

Chang gets in line with Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig, and
faces the haunted mansion.

Not including Craig, they all take out their zap sticks, and
hold them out in their hands. One by one, going left to
right, they flip the switches to activate their ghost
wranglers.

We pause on Craig, whose eyes dart in embarrassment, not

having a zap stick of his own.

CRAIG
Uhhhh...

He sticks out his hand like its a weapon, and whilst

gesturing, makes noises with his mouth.

CRAIG (CONTD)
Pew, pew! Pew, pew!

Chang stamps his foot.

CHANG
And away we go!

Chang leads the way, and Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig go up
to the front door of the mansion. Chang kicks it to try and
open it. Doesn't work. He tries again, and again, and again
to no success. He turns his head to Harry, and Emily.

CHANG (CONTD)
Hey, guys. Do you remember when I
said to use these ghost wrangler
thingies responsibly?

EMILY
Yes.

CHANG
Well, I forgot to tell you
something. There's a rule I have.
It's called: Do as I say, not as I
do.

EMILY
What's that supposed to be mean?

Chang yells a war cry...

 16.

CHANG
Aaaaagh, fuck you, door!

... then blasts down the front door of the mansion with his
ghost wrangler. When he is done he turns to the others with a
grin.

CHANG (CONTD)
Okay, who wants to go in first?

INT. MAIN FOYER, MANSION NIGHT

Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig are in the mansion.

Ahead they see a grand staircase, a shining chandelier,
gilded decorations, and fancy furniture. Everything you'd
expect to see in a luxurious home.

CRAIG
(whistles)
Fancy.

MINDY
It's a dream come true.

CHANG
More like a nightmare. Remember,
guys, this place is haunted.

Suddenly the lights turn off. Harry makes a high pitched

screamed in the darkness.

HARRY (OS)
Eeeeeeeeeek!
MINDY (OS)
Relax, Emily. It's just the lights.

EMILY (OS)
That wasn't me.

HARRY (OS)
Sorry, I, I'm afraid of the dark.

CHANG (OS)
Well, keep your shit together. I
mean, what happens when we
encounter a ghost? Or ghosts?

HARRY (OS)
I will literally shit my pants.
 17.

MINDY (OS)
Please, don't shit your pants.

CHANG (OS)
Alright, everyone. Enough chit
chat. Put on your headlamps.

The Wangs put on their headlamps, and we have illumination.

Chang is standing in front of his family.

CHANG (CONTD)
Follow me, and stay close.

Chang gestures for everyone to follow him, and starts walking

ahead.

Emily, Harry, Mindy, and Craig do so, but then they all stop
at once when a fast white blur zooms past them.

EMILY
(eyes wide)
What was that?

The white blur races up the grand staircase, and reveals

itself: Its KASPER the befriending ghost.

CRAIG
A g-g-g-g-ghost!

Harry covers his eyes.

HARRY
Tell me when it's over!

CHANG
Alright, you guys, this is it.

Chang prepares to shoot Kasper with his ghost wrangler, but

Mindy puts her arm out to stop him.

MINDY
Wait! He looks...friendly.

Kasper waves. He has a posh British accent.

KASPER
Hello! I'm Kasper -- with a K. My
mates call me Kasper the
befriending ghost.

HARRY
Befriending?

Harry removes his hands from his face to look.

 18.

KASPER
I see that the five of you are here
ready to get rid of me. But I beg
you for mercy. I am not a bad
ghost. The reason I'm still here on
Earth is because my soul could not
bear the agony of being away from
sweetheart. I love her more than
anything in the world, and love, no
matter the state you are in, never
dies.

Mindy sniffles, and wipes a tear from her face. Emily seems
touched too, as well as Harry, and somehow Craig.

But Chang's not buying it.

CHANG
Oh, quit your bullshit!

In a split second Chang aims his zap stick, and twists the
end to shoot an anti-matter stream at Kasper. Kasper becomes
entangled in the anti-matter stream, though he tries to
resist.

KASPER
Nooooooooooooooo!

CHANG
Craig! Open your mouth!

Craig opens his mouth, and cone of yellow light sprays out.
Chang pulls Kasper towards it, and Kasper is sucked up into
Craig's mouth.
Craig closes his mouth. A puff of smoke comes out the top of
his head, like when one puts out a cigarette.

That is the end of Kasper. Chang pumps his fist.

CHANG (CONTD)
Alright! One down, and I don't know
how many to go!

Mindy, Emily, and Harry seem shocked.

HARRY
W-w-what did you do that for?!

CHANG
Sorry, are you angry at me?
 19.

EMILY
That lil ghost poured his heart
out to us, and you just zapped him
like a burrito in a microwave.

CHANG
Emily, Harry, listen to me. Ghosts
are no good. They're like refugees,
or illegal immigrants... YUCK! Now,
come on, gang! We got more ghosts
to find!

Chang excitedly runs up the grand staircase.

MONTAGE:

01. There's a big, fat, slimy green monster in the KITCHEN,

eating a cake. The Wangs with an angry scream burst in, and
zap its ass with their ghost wranglers. They then draw it
towards Craig, and trap it.

02. A red ugly ghost comes flying through a HALLWAY. It stops

when it sees Harry and Emily on one end, then it looks back,
and sees Chang, and Mindy. Trapped, it goes through the
adjacent wall, but flies directly into Craig's shining mouth,
becoming entrapped.

03. In a BEDROOM. Harry sneaks up to an armoire and opens it.

There is a ghost inside sniffing panties. Emily zaps it, and
then does Harry. They wrangle it together. The ghost looks in
deep pain.

04. A drunk French ghost is in the WINE CELLAR, drinking a

bottle of wine. Suddenly, he is boxed in by Harry, Emily,
Chang, and Mindy. He finds himself in a quadrant of anti-
matter streams, and then Craig slides beneath him, and sucks
him up; his face expresses his horror.

05. We are in a Pacman-like MAZE, neon blue walls, and black

floors. Mindy touches a big glowing ball, and powers up. She
looks around a corner, and sees a blue ghost. She sneaks
behind the blue ghost, and grabs it by its head. The blue
ghost literally melts away.

06. A ghost that looks a lot like Michael Jackson, but isn't,
is in the ballroom dancing. After he slides back, tips, his
hat, and grabs his junk, and goes, Ooooooo! the Wangs jump
out, and entangle him with their ghost wranglers. It's easy
game as they bring him towards Craig's open mouth, and trap
him while he goes heeeeeeeeeee!
 20.

07. Chang, Mindy, Harry, and Emily are clustered together,

back to back, holding onto the zap sticks of their ghost
wranglers. They are surrounded by scary looking ghosts, who
are slowly coming towards them. Then in synch the Wangs use
their ghost wranglers, and shoot off anti-matter streams.

08. Craig is standing with legs wide, and arms back, sucking
in a plethora of various ghosts, absolutely inhaling them,
like a glutton.

END MONTAGE

EXT. HAUNTED MANSION NIGHT

Chang, Mindy, Harry, Emily, and Craig leave the mansion. They
all seem pretty pleased with themselves.

We look at Craig, and notice that his belly is very big, like
it's been filled.

CHANG
Awww, yeee, that was awesome. We
kicked so much ass in there.

HARRY
I can't believe we captured the
ghost of Robin Williams. Like,
what are you doing in that mansion,
Mr. Williams?

MINDY
He was pretty funny though.
HARRY
Ha. Yeah, he was. Oh, that Robin
Williams. Even in death he makes us
laugh.

CHANG
Okay, we all know he's a great guy,
but the important thing here is now
that we've capture all those ghosts
from the mansion, I can finally get
my birth certificate, and you know
what that means.

EMILY
No one will question your
presidency?
 21.

CHANG
If that happens, yes, but mainly
I'm going to become a citizen of
these United States of America.
(takes whiff of the air)
Can you smell the freedom, family?
Oh, God, it's better than high
grade cocaine. Not that I've ever
done that, because illegal drugs
are totally bad for you. Right,
Craig?

CRAIG
I am robot.

CHANG
Ha-ha. Yeah, you sure are.

INT. HERSHLAG'S OFFICE, KWALITEE REAL ESTATE AGENCY DAY

Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig, still in their ghost

hunting gear, are sitting in Hershlag's office.

HERSHLAG
Mister Wang, I am astounded you
cleared out all those ghosts from
my mansion. I genuinely thought you
were going to be murdered. WELP,
anyways, here is your reward.

Hershlag hands Chang his birth certificate, certifying that

he was in fact born in the USA. We see it for ourselves.

HERSHLAG (CONTD)
I found it in my storage locker,
and thought you could use it. Heh-
heh-heh.

Chang shakes Hershlag's hand.

CHANG
Thank you very much, Mister
Hershlag.

HERSHLAG
No, thank you. Now that you've
gotten rid of all those ghosts, I
have become the ghost king.

CHANG
Come again?

Hershlag stands.
 22.

HERSHLAG
I AM THE GHOST KING! And you know
what else? I'm not even Jewish. I
lied about that. I'm very,
incredibly anti-Semitic. You know
all those hateful comments you read
on the internet? Im responsible
for at least 15% of them.

MINDY
Whoa. Not cool.

HERSHLAG
MwahaHaAHAHaHaAH! But I tell you
what, I'll let you choose my final
form in which I will destroy the
world! Just think, and it shall
happen!

CHANG
You sadistic psycho-bitch. We're
not going to -

HERSHLAG
OKAY! THANK YOU! I WILL NOW
TRANSFORM!

CHANG
Wait a minute, I -

Hershlag puts out his arms, then floats in the air, and moves
back, and passes through the wall to go outside. The Wangs
all get up, and look out the window.

EXT. BACK OF, KWALITEE REAL ESTATE AGENCY NIGHT

As the Wangs watch through the window, Hershlag continues

laughing maniacally as thunder claps behind him. He spins
like a tornado, and then transforms into NAZI MARSHMALLOW
MAN.

Nazi Marshmallow Man is a regular giant Marshmallow Man,

except a Nazi. He roars, and walks ahead, shaking the Earth.

MINDY
Alright, which one of you thought
that thing into existence?

Mindy, Chang, Emily, and Craig look at Harry.

 23.

HARRY
I'm sorry. I, I was thinking of
that movie Ghostbusters, aaaand
then he said he was anti-Semitic.
So, I mean, what else was I
supposed to think of?

EMILY
Well, thanks to you, there's a
giant Nazi Marshmallow Man on the
loose.

EXT. CITY SQUARE NIGHT

People are running away frightened as Nazi Marshmallow Man

enters the city square. They have abandoned their numerous
cars. They're all piled in like it's a traffic jam.

Nazi Marshmallow Man roars. He picks up a car and tears it in

half. After discarding the pieces, he uses his huge fist,
smashes flat three more vehicles.

Now, he walks ahead, picks up a taxi cab, and punts it

straight into a BUILDING. It slams into the outside, and gets
stuck halfway.

INT. TAXI IN BUILDING, CITY SQUARE NIGHT

In the taxi, stuck halfway in the building, is a DRIVER and a

PASSENGER.

PASSENGER
What luck. This is exactly where I
needed to go.

The PASSENGER gives the driver money, and is about to leave,

but then gets stopped by the DRIVER who holds his forearm.

DRIVER
Wait. You owe me some more money.

PASSENGER
For what?

DRIVER
Uhhhh, you flew for 5 seconds.
Theres a 10% flight surcharge.

The Passenger groans, and gives the Driver more money, then
hops out of the taxi. The Driver grins with his cash.
 24.

EXT. CITY SQUARE NIGHT

Continuing the havoc, the Nazi Marshmallow Man punches his

fist into a wide building, then runs his arm along,
obliterating the outside wall, from left to right. He takes
out his arm, and has a fistful of screaming people. He tilts
back his head, opens his mouth, and swallows them whole.

Next, he walks ahead, and encounters the police. The police

have built a barricade with their cars, and are holding out
their guns. POLICE OFFICER #1 yells to to the Marshmallow
Man.

POLICE OFFICER #1
Stop where you are, scumbag! I know
you're white, but if you come any
closer, I swear, I'll shoot you
like a darky!

The Nazi Marshmallow Man leans forward, puts his finger down
his throat and throws up all over the police officers,
encasing them in a hot, white, sticky mess.

The Nazi Marshmallow man then walks off, and finds two cars,
and steps on them, wearing them like roller-skates. He roller-
skates down to the EMPIRE BUILDING, the largest building in
the City Square.

EXT. EMPIRE BUILDING, CITY SQUARE NIGHT

Nazi Marshmallow Man climbs up the Empire Building, and gets

to the very top, where he beats his chest, and roars like an
animal.
Just below are Chang, Mindy, Emily, Harry, and Craig watching
in their ghost hunting uniforms, and gear.

MINDY
Now what do we do?

CHANG
Stay here.

Chang runs off.

EXT. AVIATION MUSEUM, CITY SQUARE NIGHT

Chang enters an AVIATION MUSEUM nearby, and comes out,

crashing through the glass with a two seater bi-wing plane.

He is at the front seat wearing flight gear, including a

parachute. His ghost wrangler's stored in the back seat.
 25.

EXT. EMPIRE BUILDING, CITY SQUARE NIGHT

Chang rolls up to his family in his newly acquired bi-wing

plane.

CHANG
Everyone, quick, put your ghost
wranglers into the back!

HARRY
Why?

CHANG
JUST DO IT!

Mindy, Emily, and Harry put their ghost wranglers into the
back of the bi-wing plane.

Chang salutes, and takes off in the bi-wing plane. He flies

up to the Nazi Marshmallow Man, and circles around him.

The Nazi Marshmallow Man roars, and tries swatting at Chang,

who avoids the attacks.

CHANG (CONTD)
Get ready to feel the pain!

The Nazi Marshmallow Man grabs Chang's plane, and swallows it

whole.

Down below Emily, Harry, Craig, and Mindy gasp.

A second later, Chang comes out the Mashmallow Man's bum, and
falls out, and parachutes down to the ground, and returns to
his family.
CHANG (CONTD)
Stand back! I set the ghost
wranglers to self-destruct!

The Wangs step back.

EMILY
Wait. Why would you put a self-
destruct function on devices that
we previously wore on our backs?

CHANG
Well, you see, Emily --

The Nazi Marshmallow Man explodes.

The Wangs are knocked off their feet, and marshmallow

material (seemingly) goes everywhere.
 26.

The Wangs on their backs get drenched in sugary whiteness.

EXT. MARSHMALLOW SPREAD FACTORY - DAY

An OLD MAN is outside the factory with his GRANDSON.

OLD MAN
And that is the story of how we got
into the marshmallow spread
business.

GRANDSON
Gross, grandpa. You picked up all
that marshmallow from the floor,
and sold it for eating?

OLD MAN
It was a different time back then.

GRANDSON
You said it was two years ago.

OLD MAN
Just eat your fucken marshmallow
spread, alright?

The Grandson takes out a bowl of marshmallow spread, and eats

it in fear, trembling while the Old Man stares, and licks his
lips.

THE END