Funny Quotes

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour.
Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems likea minute. THAT'S
relativity.
-Albert Einstein

The brain is a wonderful organ. It starts working the moment you get
up in the morning and does not stop until you get intothe office.
- Robert Frost

The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it.
- Franklin P. Jones

We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of
those we don't like?
-Jean Cocturan

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world
everyday always just exactly fits the newspaper.
- Jerry Seinfeld

It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win
or lose.
- Darrin Weinberg
Life is pleasant.
Death is peaceful.
It's the transition that's troublesome."

Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when

he is in trouble again.

Complex problems have simple, easy to understand wrong answers.

It is not exactly cheating, I prefer to consider it creative problem

solving.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop.

Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but then again, neither does milk.

Most people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

Forgive your enemies but remember their names.

The number of people watching you is directly proportional to the
stupidity of your action.

Don't worry that the world ends today, its already tomorrow in Australia

U learn in life when u lose

"Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them."

--Albert Einstein
"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle."
Short funny quotes by, Bob Hope

"A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like
Cheetah."
Short funny quotes by, Ronald Reagan

"I never think of the future - it comes soon enough."

Short funny quotes by, Albert Einstein

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Short funny quotes by, Dean Martin

"If you love your job, you haven't worked a day in your life."
Short funny quotes by, Tommy Lasorda

"I'm an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the

house."
Short funny quotes by, Zsa Zsa Gabor

"Ninety percent of the game is half mental."

Short funny quotes by, Jim Wohford

"Thanks, you don't look so hot yourself." - after being told he looked cool.
Short funny quotes by, Yogi Berra

"I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!"

-Homer J. Simpson Short funny quotes by, Yogi Berra

"A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the
advice."
Short funny quotes by, Bill Cosby

"Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure
about the universe."
Short funny quotes by, Albert Einstein

"Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning."
Short funny quotes, Anonymous.

"Half of the people in the world are below average."

Short funny quotes, Anonymous.

"If you don't know where you are going, you will wind up somewhere else!"
Short and funny quotes, Yogi Berra.

"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize
how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world,"
Short and funny quotes, Calvin.

"Isn't your pants' zipper supposed to be in the front?" Hobbes.

Short and funny quotes, Calvin and Hobbes.
"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a
radio.
Short and funny quotes, Rodney Dangerfield

"Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry
men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed."
Short and funny quotes, Albert Einstein

"Marriage is like pi - natural, irrational, and very important."

Short and funny quotes, Lisa Hoffman.

"Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die."
Short and funny quotes, Anonymous.

"A rich man's joke is always funny."

Short and funny quotes, Proverb.

"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as
equals."
Short and funny quotes, Winston Churchill.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

"Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film."

Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.

"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have
their shoes."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.

"Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?"
Short and funny quote by, Will Rogers.

"Just because nobody complains doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect."
Short and funny quote by, Benny Hill.
"Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark.
Professionals built the Titanic."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.

"There Are Three Kinds of People - Those Who Can Count and Those
Who Can't"
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.

"Do you know why they call it 'PMS'? Because 'Mad Cow Disease' was
already taken."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through
my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."

"Money won't buy happiness, but it will pay the salaries of a large research
staff to study the problem."
Short and funny quote by, Bill Vaughan.

"I am at two with nature."

Short and funny quote by, Woody Allen.

"Operator! Give me the number for 911!"

Short and funny quote by, Homer J Simpson.

"I intend to live forever. So far, so good."

Short and funny quote by, Steven Wright.

"Beware of the young doctor and the old barber."

Short and funny quote by, Benjamin Franklin.

"Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly
everything, money is handy."
Short and funny quote by, Groucho Marx.
"Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced
against all races."
Short and funny quote by, Homer J Simpson.

"If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button."

Short and funny quote by, Sam Levenson.

"I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do."

Short and funny quote by, Phyllis Diller.

"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
Short and funny quote by, Steven Wright.

"When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out
my room."
Short and funny quote by, Woody Allen.

"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans"
Short and funny quote by, John Lennon.

"The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job,
but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the
night, drop them off at the wrong house."
Short and funny quote by, Jeff Foxworthy.

"Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back."

Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.

"A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that
her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.

"Zippers are more popular in automated offices than elsewhere -- if you

wear a button, someone's liable to push it."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.
"A person who knows how to laugh at himself will never ceased to be
amused."
Short and funny quote by, Shirley Maclaine.

"Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky

sink."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.

"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the richest
people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work."
Short and funny quote by, Robert Orben.

"Despite what the cartoonists make him look like, Uncle Sam is a
gentleman with a very large "waste."
short and funny quote by, Ananymous.

"You can be young without money but you can't be old without it."
Short and funny quote by, Anonymous.

"He's got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed."

Why didnt the skeleton go to the party?

Because he had no body to go with

I hope I didn't brain my damage...