THE MARRIAGE PREPARATION COURSE

SESSION 2: Commitment

7:30pm Welcome, notices and review

See The Marriage Preparation Course Leaders and Support Couples Guide for
suggestions.

7:40pm Talk: Why marriage?

I received an email recently headed: The worlds longest married couple. A couple has just
entered the Guinness Book of Records as the worlds oldest living married couple.

Bill and Lill Ritchey got married eighty-three years ago in Jeffersonville, Indiana.

I wanted to take care of her: that was the biggest part of it, Bill said.

The Ritcheys raised four children, two of whom are still alive. They have nine grandchildren,
twenty-three great grandchildren and eighteen great great grandchildren.

While Lill Ritcheys memory is faltering and Bill Ritchey has difficulty hearing, both were made
aware of the record, said daughter Jewell, aged seventy-five. Jewell and her sister Helen, aged
seventy-seven, said it has become increasingly difficult to care for their parents and decided last
week to place them in a nursing home.

Lill, ninety-eight, moved in on Thursday. Bill, 104, had refused to go but asked to join his wife a
few days later. They had never been separated before in eighty-seven years of marriage,
Jewell said.

We want to look this evening at a central aspect of marriage commitment.

Many people ask, Why is marriage in such trouble today?

Two out of five first time marriages are breaking down in our society and there is a higher
rate of second or subsequent marriages. In addition more and more couples are opting to
live together rather than get married.

The breakdown of marriage is the result of a number of trends that have crept into
our culture and have affected the way we think.

Our consumer society

We have grown to expect a high turnover of goods and services.

One symptom is the advertising that is such a prominent feature today. The advertisers aim is
to make us focus on what we dont have rather than being grateful for what we do have.
Advertisements tend to appeal to our short-term desires.

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There is a trend in our society against long-term commitment.

Marriage is seen by many as a temporary contract for as long as love lasts.

The well known rock musician Rod Stewart, now fifty-six, was reported in the paper recently as
stating that long-term relationships are impossible and that marriage vows should be re-written
every year like a dog licence. He went on to suggest that the words till death us do part should
be removed from the wedding ceremony as it was unrealistic to expect couples to commit for
life.

Another trend is the emphasis on the freedom of the individual and the
importance of personal choice.

The current view is generally, I need to be free to do what I want. People want to
be able to opt into relationships and to opt out of them as and when they choose.

Many are asking, Is there any point in marriage with lifelong vows?

We would want to answer with a resounding YES. Marriage is good good for
us and good for our society. Secular research unequivocally bears that out.
Married couples on average have a higher level of stability (ie they are more likely
to stay together than cohabiting couples); a greater sense of well-being; better
physical and mental health; they are wealthier they are more productive and are
more likely to invest in buying a home and saving for the future; and their sex lives
are better both in quality and quantity.

We are not needing to persuade you that marriage is a good thing! But we want
you to see its bigger significance, to appreciate the importance of the role of
marriage within our and every society.

The earliest description of marriage that we possess is in the Bible at the very
beginning, Genesis 2:24: For this reason a man will leave his father and mother
and be joined to his wife and the two will become one flesh.

Marriage is portrayed as a vital part of Gods design for human society in whatever
culture. It is presented as having two purposes:

1. Friendship

Marriage is part of Gods provision to meet our most fundamental need for
relationship.

The first crisis to face mankind was aloneness. When God created the land, the
plants, the fish, the birds etc, he said each time, It is good, It is good, It is good.
And then in Genesis 2:18 God said, It is not good for the man to be alone, and
he created Eve.
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When Adam is presented with his new wife, Eve, he bursts out with great
excitement, Here at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh.

We were created for relationship; we need each other.

Marriage is not the only way to counter aloneness, but it is the closest human
relationship.

The word used in the original Hebrew to describe the man being united to his
wife is a very strong word used for joining two things or people together in such a
way that they cannot be easily separated again.

The best visual aid of a marriage is to take two pieces of card and glue them together. [Use
visual aid of two different coloured A4 sheets of card and hold them together.] You create in
effect one new piece of card, with two sides.

That joining that meets our need for intimacy is why the marriage relationship can
bring such joy. But equally, if a married couple is torn apart, it brings such pain.

If I was to try to separate these two pieces of card that have been stuck together I could not do
so without damaging both. [Take two pieces of coloured A4 card, identical to the two used
above, but which have been glued together, and try to tear them apart.]

A broken marriage is dividing not two independent people, but two made one.

The same article about Rod Stewart described his own experience of divorce:
The rock veteran admitted that the most painful moment of his life had been when Rachel
Hunter, his second wife, left him: I dont think anything could have prepared me for the heart
ache because it cuts so deep.

That is why Jesus said, What God has joined together, let man not separate.

Marriage is part of Gods design for society and its first purpose is for friendship.
Marriage meets our need, our craving for intimacy.

The second purpose is for family life

Marriage is the basis of family life. That view cannot be dismissed as just old-
fashioned Victorian values and as an option for a society. There is sound
reasoning behind it. It still provides the best environment within which to bring up
children.

Doctor Thomas Stutterford, commenting on Rod Stewarts remarks, wrote in The Times:
Statistics show that if children are to be given the best chance in life, their parents should stay
together.

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There seems to be a primeval desire in children to want the traditional background provided by
two parents living together in a stable and preferably happy home. Evidence suggests that as
much as children hate quarreling or flighty parents, in a majority of cases they would opt for a
continuation of the family rather than a split.

Dr Stutterford is not advocating couples staying together in cases of violence or

abuse, but he is encouraging parents to make sacrifices for the sake of their
children, to make the effort to work things through.

I dont know if you have ever thought about the fact that God decided it would take
a man and a women, through the most intimate act of which human beings are
capable, lovemaking, to produce a child. (I know that you didnt need to come on
marriage preparation to learn that!)

There was a young boy who was asked to write an essay on his family history. So when he got
home he decided to do some research.

He approached his mother and asked her, Where did I come from? His mother, who was not
prepared for the question, answered, Well, darling, a stork came and left you under a
gooseberry bush. The boy then went to his father and asked him, Where did you come from?
His father, equally caught unawares, replied Well, a stork came and left me under a gooseberry
bush. The boy then went and asked his grandmother, Granny, where did you come from?
Well, darling, a stork came and left me under a gooseberry bush, she replied.

The boy started his essay: There has not been a natural birth in our family for the last three
generations.

It is part of Gods plan for every child to be conceived in an act of love between his
or her mother and father.

Further, the ideal is for every child to be born into a home where there is a
relationship of committed love between his or her mother and father. And then
Gods design for our society is that every child should grow up living under the
influence of a loving relationship between his or her mother and father.

The parents relationship is the role model for children:

Children watch how their parents speak to each other
- whether they show respect or are rude
- whether they listen or make demands on each other
They notice the physical contact between their parents
- whether they show affection or are uninterested in each other
Children take in how their parents resolve conflicts
- they learn from whether they forgive or hold grudges
All of this affects children
- whether they are open or closed towards others
- whether they take risks in relationships or shut people out
- whether they are able to trust or hold people at a distance.
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Oprah Winfrey interviewed Michael J Fox and actress Tracy Pollan. Fox was diagnosed with
Parkinsons disease just three years after their wedding. They have now been married for
fourteen years.
Oprah: Tracy, was there ever a time when you said, This isnt what I bought into?
Tracy: No Michael and I had great role models. Though his father has passed away, his
parents had an amazingly strong marriage, as do mine. Both weathered really tough times.
For us it has been normal to stay together through difficulties. We grew up witnessing that first
hand.

The breakdown of marriage has an effect on the next generation.

There are many wonderful single parents bringing up children on their own doing
an amazing job. But they are doing so at a disadvantage, as their children will not
grow up seeing the model of an intimate, committed, long-term relationship
between his or her parents.

Some people who have experienced pain and feel let down through the breakup
of their parents marriage are reluctant to commit and to trust others in case they
are disappointed again.
You need to be aware if your fianc(e) is carrying pain from their childhood and
allow them to express what they are feeling.
If you yourself know you find it difficult to trust you may find it helpful to talk this
through with your support couple or someone else who will understand.
Be aware that it takes time to heal these deep-seated hurts.
Building trust between you removes fear and just by getting married, you are
treading the path of healing.
If your parents split up, your marriage is an opportunity to do things differently
and possibly to break a cycle of relationship breakdown in your family.

The Anglican marriage service makes it clear that God wants children to be brought up by their
mother and father living together in a loving and committed relationship.

The gift of marriage brings husband and wife together in the delight and tenderness of sexual
union and joyful commitment to the end of their lives. It is given as the foundation of family life in
which children are [born and nurtured] and in which each member of the family, in good times
and in bad, may find strength, companionship and comfort, and grow to maturity in love.

Common Worship

If we destroy marriage, we not only hurt many individuals but we unravel the very
fabric of our society.

Marriage is part of Gods plan for our good so that every child grows up with a
foundation of love and so that intimate relationships should be at the very heart of
our society.

7:55pm Exercise: The benefits of marriage

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Discuss between the two of you: What, in your view, is the role of marriage in
society? Why are you choosing marriage rather than cohabitation?

8:00pm Talk: The marriage covenant

We want to look at what we mean by marriage as a covenant relationship.

Almost everybody who is getting married believes that marriage is about love, but
love is a broad term that covers a range of meanings.

There is the love over which we have little or no control. We call this type
of love infatuation, which is a chemical process that can last anything from
three minutes to three years. In any marriage these feelings will come and
go.

Then there is the love that is deliberate, that is cultivated over a period of
time.

In Louis de Bernires novel, Captain Corellis Mandolin, the widowed Dr Iannis has a conversation with his
daughter, Pelagia, when she has fallen in love with Captain Corelli:

Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal
passion, it is the not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at
night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No dont blush, I am telling you
some truths. That is just being in love which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over
when being in love has burnt away. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards
each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we
found that we were one tree and not two.

Louis de Bernire, Captain Corellis Mandolin (Secker & Warburg, 1994), p.281.

We cannot control infatuation. But we can nurture that kind of love. And the
covenant relationship of marriage is the setting for it.

A covenant is different to a contract:

A contract is a legal document that outlines the rights and duties of each
party. A contract defines precisely the kind and amount of service being
offered by each side.
A covenant relationship is much deeper and is based on a commitment to
each others well-being. In a covenant relationship partners are bound
together not by a set of legal requirements; they are bound by love. They
are willing to go the extra mile to make things work out.
In a contract the focus is on what the other person does or fails to do for me.
A covenant focuses on what I can do for the other person.

Jonathan Sacks, the Chief Rabbi of the United Hebrew Congregations of Britain and the
Commonwealth, wrote in The Times:

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How devastating it is that marriage seems to have lost its power in society as a whole. A
wedding ceremony is more than a formality and a piece of paperbecause it involves
commitment, a mutual pledge of openness and trust, a promise that neither will walk away in
difficult times. From that covenant of loyalty and love, new life comes into the world

Marriage is not just living together, a temporary partnership for mutually beneficial ends.
Heaven help us if that is all we see in it. It is the point at which the I of self meets the Thou
of another, transforming us into something larger, more spacious, more generous and tender
than we could ever be on our own. In marriage at its best you see humanity at its best.

The Times, 23 August 2003.

Marriage involves us in constantly recommitting ourselves to the ideal. In effect

we underline our marriage vows everyday.

Perhaps the best description of a good marriage comes in a line from the Psalms: Love and
faithfulness meet together.

Psalm 85:10

I took a short service for a couple who wanted to celebrate their fortieth wedding anniversary
with members of their family. I met them a few weeks prior to the service in order to organise it. I
was so struck by the ease between them, their trust, the companionship, the lack of
competition, their enjoyment of each others successes, and their pride in each other. And I
remember thinking that, in them, Love and faithfulness have met together.

We practise love through meeting each others needs. We practise

faithfulness through continuing to do so when we dont feel like it. That is the
type of love that is costly and that takes commitment but it is the only way to build
a lasting marriage.

Why is marriage in trouble today?

Because love and faithfulness have been torn apart. Commitment has gone out
of fashion.

Many are choosing to cohabit instead of getting married

some see no point in the marriage vows when so many people fail to keep
them
some feel they are being more honest by not making a long-term
commitment
or they want to keep their options open in case things dont work out.

But cohabiting relationships are breaking down at a much higher rate than
marriages. These relationships usually dont last and, after the initial infatuation
has worn off, the couple misses out on developing a deep and lasting intimacy.

The reason for that is:

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 intimacy requires vulnerability it is only when we are prepared to let others
know what we are really like on the inside, when we are ready to talk about
our hopes and fears, our dreams and disappointments, our strengths and
weaknesses, that we achieve real intimacy
vulnerability requires trust we wont make ourselves vulnerable unless we
trust the other person, that they will not use what we reveal against us
trust requires commitment when we know that the other person will not
walk out on us, that they will go on loving us, that they will stay with us
through the highs and the lows that is a part of any relationship, we are
prepared to trust them.

That is what marriage is all about.

I remember seeing an article in a Sunday paper that was headed: How bad does it have to be
for you to go? It was written by a man who had been living with a woman for a number of years
and they had just broken up. He was very honest about the relationship. He wrote that the
question that headed the article, How bad does it have to be for you to go?, was at the back of
both of their minds throughout the relationship and was ultimately what undermined it.

By contrast I met a woman recently who had lived together with her boyfriend for four years and
she described how the relationship had not worked well and they had spent some time apart.
They had got back together and two years ago had got married. Unprompted by me she said,
Marriage is so wonderful now we can make plans for the future because we know we will be
together.

Commitment means knowing our partner is not going to walk out if our
circumstances change; or if our lovemaking is not good enough.

I remember speaking to one couple who had taken their vows seriously. The woman said, We
were clear that our marriage vows meant we would not divorce no matter how bad things got.
But for that understanding, on three occasions I would have walked out. We have worked
things through. Now we have a great marriage and I am so glad I didnt walk away.

They went on to describe how the commitment of their marriage vows provided them with a
baseline below which they would not go.

A church wedding is structured around what the couple who are getting married
say to each other. It is the vows, not what the priest / minister / pastor / marriage
registrar says to them or over them, that count most, because marriage is all
about commitment.

8:10pm Exercise: The marriage vows

Please take ten minutes to read through the marriage vows that are in Appendix III
of your manual. Decide which word or phrase or sentence is most important for
you from the vows and try to explain your choice to your fianc(e).

8:20pm Talk: Spending time together

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I want to look at what it means to put commitment into practice in a marriage day
by day and week by week.

If there was one thing wed want you to take away and to put into practice from
this course as an expression of your commitment to each other it would be to
set aside time on a regular basis to spend together.

(I alluded to this last week when I was talking about lack of time together being a
stumbling block to good communication.)

I read an interview recently with the actress Meryl Streep about her twenty-four year marriage to
Don Gummer. They have four children aged eleven to twenty-two.

The interviewer asked her: What compromises have you two made for each other to keep your
marriage strong?

Meryl Streep answered: Im not sure we think about it as compromising as much as its trying to
keep a certain balance in the relationship. Our marriage and our children and their future well-
being inform all the decisions we make.

She went on to say that they made the choice to move from LA back to the East Coast to settle
there when their first child was six for the sake of the stability of their marriage and family, and in
order for them to spend enough time together. Thats a powerful expression of their
commitment to their marriage and family.

Good Housekeeping, January 2003.

Special time with the person who matters most in our life (our husband or wife)
doesnt just happen.

Im not talking about just being physically together in your house or flat, where one
of you may be at the computer and the other is watching TV, or one making phone
calls and the other paying the bills.

Im talking about making times that are different to the normal day-to-day time that
we spend together.

Nicky and I have come to realise more clearly than anything else about our marriage that if
were ever going to have special time together we have to plan it, to organise it, in order to
make it happen.

There are two benefits in particular of these times:

They are when there is effective communication taking place between us so

that were deepening our understanding of one another.
They are when romance, love and fun are kept alive.

This time together only happens if we plan it.

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 o Were all different and some of us like routine and planning, while
others of us dont like being boxed in we like to be more
spontaneous.
o We need to be aware of these differences and work out together how
we will make these times a regular feature of our relationship.

Im going to run through a few ways that you might do this:

on a daily basis
on a weekly basis
on a quarterly basis
on a yearly basis.

On a daily basis

An important part of marriage is connecting with each other everyday.

Some people find mornings best maybe over breakfast asking each other
whats happening that day. Others absolutely cant cope with mornings!

Others find speaking on the phone or emailing during the day is the best way to
stay in touch. If one of you has to travel with your job, making contact each day
you are apart will be important to stay connected.

A friend of ours, when he was away on a weeks work, sent his wife by email a film of the
millennium Sydney fireworks and attached the message: This is how much I love you.

We can all think of creative ways to stay in touch.

Nicky and I try to start each day by saying a prayer for each other. I ask him, Whats the most
important thing youd like me to pray for you today? and he asks me the same question. Then
we say a short prayer for each other.

At the end of the day we usually catch up with each other last thing at night in the bath.

Its important to create habits that are unique to us as couple.

Otherwise we can easily build negative habits. Ive heard many couples speak of
one falling asleep in front of the TV and the other going up to bed alone. That
definitely doesnt build closeness.

The way we react to each other first thing in the morning and the atmosphere that
surrounds us as we go to sleep, are so important and these will be affected by
whether weve connected with each other during the day.

On a weekly basis

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Throughout the twenty-seven years of our marriage Nicky and I would say that the single most
important thing weve done in terms of investing in our marriage relationship is to have a date
together once a week.

We call this our marriage time.

Sometimes we set aside an evening. We may stay at home and have a romantic, special meal
with candles on the table, nice music and a bottle of wine, or we may go out.

At other times we do something completely different in the middle of the day, something we both
enjoy, like going to an art exhibition, playing tennis or taking a picnic to the park.

Different things will appeal to different couples but every couple needs to do things
they both enjoy.

I was talking to someone recently who did The Marriage Preparation Course a year and a half
ago and has been married for a year. They have bought a house outside London. The
husband is commuting and shes expecting their first baby and she said this: We dont seem to
have fun together anymore whenever we get in the car together, its to go and look at paint
colours or to choose a shrub for the garden.

Having this weekly date together has stopped us taking each other and our
marriage for granted. It means we make sure we keep having fun together and
more than anything else it has kindled and rekindled our love for each other over
the years.

Nicky and I have discovered that we can only achieve marriage time on a regular
basis if we
plan it
prioritise it
and protect it.

Plan it

By planning I mean literally putting it in the diary, if you have one, like any other
appointment or meeting. If you dont use a diary, decide its going to be every
Thursday evening rather than going to the pub or watching TV all evening.
Making a date together could seem a funny thing to do youre living in the same
house and around each other all the time but thats exactly why so often this
special date time together can slip out of the picture.
Nicky and I take it in turns to organise what we do each week (and we make a
note of whose turn it is in our diaries). As I said some people are natural planners
and love putting marriage time in the diary for weeks ahead they find it easy
and important. Others tend to go with the flow and for them theyll need to make
more of an effort.

A friend of ours told us:

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My husband likes marriage time to be regular and predictable. He likes doing the same thing
each week whereas I like variety and get bored if we always do the same thing. My husband
likes going out; I dont mind. He likes an evening; I like varying the time. My husband likes
action, films and eating; I like talking and relaxing.

Weve discovered over time that we both have to accommodate each others differences and
be adaptable if its to work.

Prioritise it

Prioritising this time means that this is the most important commitment to stick to
every week; its a non-negotiable. It will mean prioritising it over:
our work
going out with friends
playing sport
going to the gym
going shopping
doing up the house or garden.
Its not that those things are unimportant but unless time together as a couple is
a higher priority, it probably wont happen.

Protect it

Protect it from interruptions by friends, family, neighbours, the telephone etc.

When Nicky and I having a special evening at home we put on the answering machine with the
volume turned down, and if were going out we turn off our mobile phone so as not to let it
interrupt our time together.

Marriage time, when planned, prioritised and protected, will impact every
marriage. You dont need to spend lots of money to make it fun, but it will require
effort and creativity.

The wife I quoted earlier said this:

We feel that marriage time is essential for having fun and romance. My husband is not a
natural romantic but he has taken this on and is creating all kinds of romantic things. He
recently sent me a card asking me to go to a film. It was a beautiful card and he had cut out
reviews of several films and stuck them in the card so I could choose which one I would like to
see.

The card said: You are cordially invited to a romantic evening with your husband. The evening
will include a film and a meal. Please let me know which one you would like to see.

We want to invite you all back two years or so into your marriage to do The
Marriage Course. Amongst other benefits The Marriage Course will cause you to
take a rain check as to whether you are still having a regular once a week date
night.
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We hope it will have become by then a weekly habit you cant do without.

On a yearly basis

Each year we try and work out and plan our holidays carefully.

When we first got married our attitude was, Well just see what turns up. But after a while we
realised we spent almost all of our holidays with friends or family and none on our own.

Both are important, but for our marriage relationship its essential to have holiday time alone
together.

Holidays are important for every marriage relationship. Time to relax, to have fun,
to do things we both enjoy together, with no deadlines, no stress, no one elses
expectations, and away from our familiar home environment.

One thing we instigated in our own marriage early on was a mini-honeymoon each year. When
our children were small we would leave them with their grandparents and go away for two or
three days on our own to Paris or walking in the hills in Scotland.

These mini-honeymoons revitalise our relationship and rekindle romance.

8:45pm Exercise: Planning time together

(during which coffee, tea and dessert are served)
Discuss how and when youll spend time together investing in your marriage on a
daily / weekly / annual basis.

Write down some of the concrete ways you could make it happen eg sitting down
once a month to plan your marriage time or deciding youll take it in turns to
organise what youll do.

9:00pm Talk: The change of loyalties

Im going to talk now about the change of loyalties that must happen when we
take the step of commitment to each other in marriage. Our first loyalty in
marriage is to our husband or wife.

This has important implications in lots of areas but I want to look particularly at the
implications for how we relate to our parents, our parents-in-law and the wider
family.

Nickys already mentioned Genesis 2:24 (For this reason a man [and a woman]
will leave [their] father and mother and be united to [their husband or] wife )

Leaving
I want to look at what the leaving of mother and father means in practice.

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All of your situations are different:
some of you will have parents alive
others will have lost one or maybe both of your parents
some will have step-parents
some of you may be living with your parents now
some once married will end up living near both sets of parents
others will live a long way away
some may be near one and a long way from another
some will have good relationships
for others the relationships are more complicated or difficult.

Whatever your situation your relationship with both sets of parents (if they are still
alive) must change after marriage. Understanding that is critical to the success of
your marriage.

There must be what we describe as a new centre of gravity in our lives.

When were born our home is like our centre of gravity.

As we grow up we move out in wider and wider circles of exploration and independence:

learning to walk
going to school
gaining more freedom as a teenager
eventually living away from home.

But for many, even when they leave home, the centre of gravity continues to be their parental
home emotionally and in other ways and they may return for:

comfort
encouragement
money
advice
or just to get their washing done!

But once we get married this must change. Our marital home and our marriage relationship
become our new centre of gravity.

The leaving is not just about the place its not just a question of geography.

The more significant change is the psychological and emotional leaving than
about the physical leaving.

A church wedding service in church sometimes symbolises this leaving.

The person who is taking the service may use the words: Who gives this woman to be married
to this man? and the father (who is representing both sets of parents) gives his daughters hand
to the vicar / priest / minister (who is representing God) who then gives her hand to her
husband-to-be.

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That action symbolises the leaving that must take place for the new decision-making structure,
the new home, the new centre of gravity to be created by the couple.

The proper leaving can be prevented or complicated

- if theres inappropriate interference by parents
- ongoing emotional dependence by a child on a parent or parents
- emotional dependence by a parent on a child.

Any of those will set up tension and problems for the future.

I remember one newly married woman telling me:

I have a really fantastic bond with my mother. My husband told me recently that he was really
hurt because it seemed to him like I was putting my mother first and him second. Actually, I
realised, I was busy trying to put them both first.

For another couple I remember the husband saying:

My father would always ring for a half an hour chat exactly at the time when I got home from
work. It really caused a lot of tension in our marriage. My wife found it really difficult because of
the timing of the call and because, after Id talked about the day and our news with my father, I
didnt feel like doing it all over again with her. I realised I had to make some changes.

Its essential that we put our husband or wife first before our parents. Our first
loyalty is to them. Our marriage relationship is our top priority.

This new centre of gravity means that, as a married couple, you must make your
own decisions regarding such things as
the decoration of your house
planning your holidays
how you organise your finances
the tidiness of your home
how you bring up your children
or even where you place your furniture.

I have heard stories of mothers and daughters or mothers and sons shifting a few bits of
furniture around without consulting their husband or wife and the result has been fireworks!

Once weve made our own decisions, we need to support each other in those
decisions and not revert to a childhood state of dependence when were with our
parents this will be hardest if we are with them in our childhood home.

If you have a parent who tends to be controlling, for the sake of your marriage
and in order to a have a healthy relationship with your parents, you must resist
manipulation even if they are helping you out financially.

Session 2: Commitment 15
Respecting our parents

While this leaving needs to happen, we must still honour our parents. (The
Fifth Commandment doesnt cease to be valid once were married.)

Our aim should be to build a mutually supportive relationship with them.

Some of you may have a difficult relationship with your wider family we want to
encourage you to persevere in building these relationships.

A friend of ours told us how marriage had changed things for her

'I had a confrontational relationship with my father and a pretty uncommunicative relationship
with my mother. However, when I met Stephen, my father respected his academic success and
Stephen forced my mother to communicate by never giving up however long the silences.

Little by little, it struck me that my own relationship with my parents was changing. Stephen
had unwittingly become a bridge between us. When our daughters were born, my parents
embraced them with a generosity and warmth that took me completely by surprise. As
grandparents, they seemed to have found a freedom that eluded them as parents for
whatever reason. So I now realise that our marriage and family life has healed the wounds,
which were probably still raw for all three of us ten years ago, when we got engaged.'

Some practical ways to build a good relationship with your parents / step-parents /
parents-in-law:

show gratitude for what theyve done for you

A great way is by writing a letter to them perhaps just before you get married thanking them
for all theyve done. Its all too easy to take what theyve done for granted. (There are very few
parents who have made no sacrifices for their children.)

maintain communication
stay in touch with them. We need to be considerate. Inevitably they will
think more about you than you will about them
take the initiative (so that your parents / step-parents do not feel the initiative
is always coming from them)
o when you visit
o when you ring them up
o if and when you go on holiday with them
think carefully about Christmas. Talk together about what youll do (dont
write off a family Christmas). You may need to be rigorous about taking it in
turns with each set of parents.

In honouring our parents, its helpful to recognise that

we are not responsible to them any longer
but, as they get older, we become increasingly responsible for them
Session 2: Commitment 16
 the day may come when they rely on us as we once relied on them.

If we have children, they will be their grandparents. This is a unique relationship

that can be very special if we nurture our own relationship with them.

Arranging the wedding

Many of you have probably discovered, or are in the process of discovering, just
how much hard work is involved in organising a wedding.
- Be aware that the leaving aspect of a wedding may well make it an
emotional process too.
- Hard work and heightened emotions make for the occasional row in even
the most relaxed of families!
- Its obviously your day but there is a sense in which it is also your parents
day. They are certainly emotionally involved and may also be financially
involved.
- Try to start your relationship with them on the right foot. (Its not worth falling
out with them over the wedding day.)

A final word of advice about parents:

- Make sure you only say, Youre just like your mother / father when you
mean it as a compliment!

9:15pm Exercise: Parents and in-laws

Discuss as a couple what possible areas of tension you can foresee with your
parents / parents-in-law from the list in your manuals and think about how they
could be resolved.

9:25pm Testimony
By a married couple who talk about marriage time and developing their
relationships with their parents and in-laws

9:30pm Conclusion
Allowing time apart (this introduces the homework for Session 2)

There are two dangers of time apart:

Too much
This is when a couple do not have enough shared interests, or their hobbies are
very one-sided.

For example, if you are a golfer and your fianc(e) is not, our advice would be: Dont expect to
play thirty-six holes every Saturday!

No space to pursue separate interests

Session 2: Commitment 17
A couple called Paul and Meredith were having problems and went to see a marriage
counsellor.

Meredith: I cant get him to spend any time with me. All he wants to do is to go with his friends
to sporting events. He never wants to see me.

Paul replied Thats not true at all. It feels like all we have is togetherness. She calls me at
work two or three times a day. She is waiting at the door when I get home and wants to talk.
She has our evenings and weekends all planned out. It drives me crazy. So, I try to get away
and go to a game of football or to play golf. I feel smothered

The counsellor then said to Meredith: If you want him to move towards you, you need to
move away from him and create some space for longing. I dont think Paul ever gets a chance
to miss you. You are always pursuing him, and he is turning away to create space. If you would
create some space, he would have some space to long for you in, and then he would pursue
you.

They went away from the counsellor and had a sensible discussion. They planned some
special time together. They also planned time for him to pursue a particular sport. That quickly
created in him the desire to be back together.

The authors comment: Many couples have trouble with this aspect of marriage. They feel
abandoned when their spouse wants time apart. In reality, spouses need time apart, which
makes them realize the need to be back together. Spouses in healthy relationships cherish
each others space and are champions of each others causes.

Dr Henry Cloud and Dr John Townsend, Boundaries (Zondervan, 1992), pp.162163.

Every couple needs to create their own balance of time together and time apart.
We hope the homework for this session will help you to start to think about your
expectations for achieving that balance.

- Read Philippians 2:17

- End with a short prayer eg Lord, thank you for your commitment to us.
Thank you that you came to serve us. Please help us to serve each other
and to live out our commitment to one another throughout our marriage.
Amen.

Session 2: Commitment 18