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Christine Nguyen

Professor Rodrick

English 115

December 5, 2017

Influential Parents

As adaptors of society, we take in everything that is around us. How we talk, behave, and

act is purely based on what we see from other people acting in different situations. Our parents

are a main contributor to how we act today, observing them and their actions since we were

babies. When our relatives or family friends tell us, she acts just like her mother, or he takes

after his father, it indicates that we are reflections of our parents. Being around our parents can

influence our personalities negatively in ways that their values, ideals, and style of parenting can

be shown through our actions.

Our priorities can come from what our parents would find important. Sandra L. Hanson

and Emily Gilbert, authors of the journal article, Family, Gender, and Science Experiences: The

Perspective of Young Asian Americans, talk about the life of Asian Americans, and the

pressures they have to fit in social norms of Asia. The article also mentions the actions of a tiger

mom, a mom who controls their child by filling their schedules with academic activities, seems

to be a stereotype that has gone around in the Asian community. Tiger moms are controlling in

the sense that they want to do whats best for their children in the competitive society to get a

good STEM-based job such as a doctor, engineer, and technician. Although they believe that this

is good for their child, their child might not feel the same. As Hanson said in the article, Some

question what this phenomenon will mean for the second or third generation Asian American

who may view their experience with a tiger mother as negative and psychologically damaging.
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Extreme parental pressures may, according to some, lead to psychological problems (Hanson

331-332). Ideals that our parents follow, such as a tiger mom to her child, have a major impact

on what we find important. In this case, to keep up with the schedule their mom has made for her

child, the child would have to give up hobbies and interests they have, whether it is in the arts or

literature. In the same sense, those who are and are not victims of tiger moms all seem to have

the same feelings towards having to do well in math and science. According to Hanson,

Researchers have found that young Asian Americans are keenly aware of these stereotypes and

have difficulties living up to them. Many Asian Americans reject these stereotypes and find them

untrue and potentially damaging (Hanson, 332). What our parents may find important to us can

become what we need to find as a priority. The stereotypes that are given to them that were

placed by parents wanting their child to do well in the STEM departments can give the child a lot

of pressure. Needing to live up to an expectation that parents have given to their child can later

give the child the mentality that if they do not do well enough, they are not good enough. This

just shows that parents who press such high values and expectations onto their child can

negatively impact the childs personality.

Having a helicopter parent is another example of how childrens personalities can be

negatively affected by a parents ideals. A helicopter parent is a parent that takes interest in their

childs life to an extensive degree. They take in control of what they think is best for their child,

mainly to help them get into the best college. In the video How to raise successful kids

without over-parenting, Julie Lythcott-Haims, speaker and former Dean of Freshman at

Stanford, talks about how a certain style of parenting that is commonly used nowadays is getting

in the way of leading their kid to a happy future. Children who are raised with this style of

parenting have a checklisted childhood, kind of like having a tiger mom. These parents manage
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every academic activity their child is doing to get them into the right school such as, having the

right grades, going into sports, doing activities, and getting awards. They want their child to have

the best-sounding academic life and the best-looking college application amongst their peers to

get into the right college, the best college. According to Lythcott, our kids, our precious kids,

we spend so much time nudging, cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling, nagging as the case may

be, to be sure they are not screwing up, not closing doors, not ruining their future, some hoped-

for admission to a tiny handful of colleges that deny almost every applicant. (Lythcott,

00:02:27-00:02:52). She emphasizes that with a parents guide, their child is surely going to get

in a high-ranking college. The continuous actions from a checklisting parent will lead the child to

start having the mindset that everything is laid out for them since their parent is already

monitoring what their child is doing. The parents goal to get their child into the best college will

start to become their childs goal. Putting so much emphasis on what the parents want drifts

away from what their kid would actually want. Lythcott claims as when their child gets older,

And when they get into high school, they do not say, Well, what might I be interested in

studying or doing as an activity? They go to counselors and they say, What do I need to do to

get into the right college? (Lythcott, 00:04:03- 00:04:14). The childs life has been so focused

on getting into the right college that they forget to have fun in the middle of it. What the child

wants to study and what they want to do with their life has been put aside for their parents and

what they want to do with them. The child does not feel in control of their life anymore because

their parent keeps interjecting. As in the quote stated earlier, they get into high school and ask

their advisor, What will help me get into the right college? Here, the advisor, telling the

student what they should do, what clubs they should take, what test scores they should have, they

basically act like a checklisting parent. Having that checklisted childhood, however, will have a
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negative effect on the kid. Instead of what the child wants to do, their life turns into what the

parent wants to do. The child is also so used to having everything laid out for them that it just

seems better for them to follow it instead of making their own checklist and doing what they

actually want to do. A parent that also constantly watches over their kid, trying to prevent them

from going down the wrong path, making sure theyre always doing the right thing, an encounter

that might need some trial and error may damage them. The affects of having a helicopter parent

can be negative to the child, as they do not have any control of their life.

A childs attitude towards their parents can show how they are being treated at home.

Jared Lessard, from the Department of Psychology and Social Behavior at The University of

California-Irvine, did a study on parental figures and how they influence their older adolescent

childs eating habits. In his journal, Adolescents Response to Parental Efforts to Influence

Eating Habits: When Parental Warmth Matters, the study was tested on two different factors,

using persuasion such as encouraging and informing their child about foods, and pressuring their

child such as guilt-tripping and ridiculing about their food choices. They also observed what the

outcomes of each tactic being used with behavioral responses between the parent and adolescent.

Lessard concluded that, For adolescents with low parental warmth and high levels of persuasion

were associated with more negative emotional and behavioral responses; persuasion had the

opposite associations with high parental warmth. when parents use more forceful pressure

tactics to influence eating habits, adolescents react negatively regardless of overall quality of the

parent-adolescent relationship.. (Lessard). Lessard tells us that the more encouraging and less

harsh you are toward your child, the more likely you are to have a better relationship with them

in the long run. Parents showing affection to their child as well as avoiding pressure tactics can

not only have a lasting effect both parent and adolescent, but can also improve their mental
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health, performance in school, and relationships with their peers. Persuading with less parental

warmth may seem like the parent is forcing their child to change rather than sounding like they

want to help them. Not showing enough parental warmth can contribute to a childs negative

behavior towards others.

A childs negative behavior can come from a parents negative actions, a common one

being parents that yell at their child. In the video, Be there for your child, listen and never

shout, Pll lafsson, a father of five, a social worker, and an employee at the Governmental

Agency of Child Protection in Iceland, compares the actions and consequences of children who

have parents that yell at them for their behavior, versus parents that are understanding to why

their child acted the way they did. lafsson, when speaking to children that have suicidal

thoughts, who abuse drugs, that dont want to go to school, they all had a common answer: they

didnt have good relations with those who are close to them. No one ever gave them a chance.

He concluded that, Dont ever use physical force. Dont scream, dont shout, dont preach over

their heads, dont point your fingers at them What will happen is that you get too close to the

child, they try to push you away(lafsson, 00:02:48-00:03:15). lafsson states that parents

should not yell at their children, as they will not want to be close to them. Parents showing force

toward their child creates a separation between their relationship. The child will learn from their

parents actions and reciprocate them back in the future if there were to be a similar situation.

They will also build a negative attitude and behavior wherever they go. Take, for example. the

children noted earlier who has abused drugs, had suicidal thoughts, and skipped school. On the

other hand, lafsson has also said that children also reciprocate their parents positive feelings.

lafsson states, It has been confirmed that children who are dealing with the most horrible

situations in their life, at their homes, can be saved just by someone who listens to them and talks
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to them (lafsson, 00:13:20-00:13:32). In other words, he believes that the children experience

the worst situations in their homes. If parentsinstead of shouting at themcan talk, listen, and

are understanding to their child, their child wont have a problem opening up to them. However,

parents who do not try to become closer to their child first will result in creating a wider gap

between them, which also does not help in maintaining the childs good behavior.

Children who are raised with parents that discipline their child with physical actions can

also take the message the wrong way. Elizabeth Gershoff, a psychologist and psychology

professor at the University of Texas, and Andrew Grogan-Kaylor, a professor of social work at

the University of Michigan, questions whether parents spanking their children to teach them

discipline really does help childrens behavior in the article, The Evidence Shows that Spanking

is Bad for Kids. Gershoff and Kaylor found that, The more children were spanked, the more

aggressive and antisocial they were. (Gershoff). Gershoff concludes her study with the

statement that spanking your child does more harm than good. Using violence not only widens

the gap between parent and child, but it can also traumatize them from wanting to get close to

anyone in fear that they might get hurt if they try to get close to them. Children who are spanked

are also more likely to show signs of even more destructive behavior later on because they are

taught that they can be disciplined using violence. Parents, who show a negative attitude toward

their child, will have children whose actions are also not in the right.

Children are a parents mirrors. Our identity is a reflection of not only our experiences

from outdoors with the rest of society, but also from inside the home, what we are taught to act

like, and what we experience from our parents growing up. Ones personality is influenced

greatly by their parents actions and all of their doings towards their child. Having a parent that

cares too much about school and grades may have their child become too pressured to get good
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grades and get into a good school. A parent that thinks to treat reckless behavior with violence

will result in an even more destructive behavior coming from their child. Parents showing

negativity towards their child, even if it is unintentional, can be picked up and shown through

their childs actions.

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Works Cited

Gershoff, Elizabeth, and Andrew Grogan-Kaylor. The Evidence Shows that Spanking is Bad for

Kids. Opposing Viewpoints Online Collection, 2017. Opposing Viewpoints in Context.

Accessed 20 Oct. 2017.

Hanson, Sandra L., and Emily Gilbert. Family, Gender and Science Experiences: The

Perspective of Young Asian Americans. Race, Gender & Class. vol. 19, no. 3/4, 2012,

pp. 326347. JSTOR, doi:43497502. Accessed 20 Oct. 2017.

Lessard, J., Greenberger, E. & Chen, C. Adolescents Response to Parental Efforts to Influence

Eating Habits: When Parental Warmth Matters. Journal of Youth and Adolescence,

2010. Accessed 20 Oct. 2017.

Lythcott-Haims, Julie. How to raise successful kids without over parenting. YouTube,

uploaded by TED, 4 October 2016, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyElHdaqkjo.

Accessed 20 Oct. 2017.

lafsson, Pll. Be there for your child, listen and never shout. YouTube, uploaded by TEDx

Talks, 18 June 2015, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GcINPkVLv58. Accessed 20

Oct. 2017.