Äsimovt

Alice sola Kim lives in san Francisco. ù",

short fiction pubri- fgy lrotect you from the next weirdo at the bus stop who sidles up to you to ask,
cations include srorie-s t¡
.Lig
churchitl's Rosebud wristre,ti
htsp"_"a, stro njã- ù;;ir;;r: ä;y "China or Japan?" So far, the most you've been able to ão is flick up a ttliddle finger in
aii rná u"i,,íeiil Fortosy ond
science Fíction 2_oo! (primã eooks). Àrú;
conjqgction with a spat-out "Amnricø, asswipe!"And even that you've only been able
to pttn o$o-nce, but hey-good for you. If you were bom unable-tobe pretty and qui-
West and in 2005 she was the second_runner-up
ãú:"ìi"¿ crarion et, then be loud and smelly. Own it.

Magazines Avuard for besr sc¡encã f¡.ril;;T;ir"!, for the Dell

When you leave the house for the day, your mother is gone and your brother is still
at work. rWþen you return, your brother will already be pérched on the couch, watch-
srory by an
under¡graduare corlege srudeni- H"; fittt þS TV. You pause at the door and rest your head on the jamb. The house is so quiet,
taåî1" i,1, is a pitch, all yours for now, and you wilt miss it.
¡grlayal oj ãn insecure. lrish.schooi;""d;
l_Tl".twith
cope the sATs, an unstaure-pareni, ,""iI¡rrs, coilege
;d;;ä; Catch the bus, Grace! The bus!
It takes trvo city buses to get to your high school. You had starbed there right before
applicatiors, and especially. . . y_our pqents got divorced. You could walk seven blocks to go to a nearby, similarly
s$tty Ìúgh school, but faced with the choice of shitty-familiar and shit[!-new, you
chose shitty-familiar.

THE OTHER
Running across the street, you jam the hood of your sweatshirt over your damp
heaÈ creating"tropical conditions under which your hair will steam and saran-wraþ
ilself to your skull before Srving up and drying itself. Why do people even use hair-
dryers? They make you godeaf. You're just haþpy to have shampôo.-It was not that

ERACEs fong _ago when your family could not afford sha-poo and so used soap. People--as
in, other ten-year-old girls-noticed. Perhãps being poor either furns one intó an an-
þaI or a classy ascetic with eye-popping cheekbones; it made you into an animal,
the fur on your head as oily and felted as a gnzzlt's
Al,ice Soto Kim The bus comes; you lunge inside, stepping tall; the doors slide shut like folding
arms. On the sweating brown seat, you pull out a book to read-a charming little
volume titled, Sciénce Fiction Tercor Tøles-,but instead you wedge it under your
thigh and close your eyes.
Jee: I don't even need to wake you an_rqoler.Maybe you,re
tp
eveballs feeling tender and pui"ni Ãã-päí"a exhausted, your - þst_n-iSht yoú dreamed a familiar dream, so familiar that all you have to do is
drift off_in order to call it back. It's a Grace convention up in theré, populated with
¡,rt when
;1ffi_fl:iåTar
6:00 eu, yoï3'*p *i"?¡"a."a ;Ë;,",;*J*îiîe chiuy floorthe
"'ih-"-i""*"å;;uãå, ro
girls and women who look exactly like you. GraceCon alwáys meets in á different lo-
cation-in hammocks that don't connect to anything you -can see, a rainforest, the
Every mornins is thrilling; everymorningygo bottom of a swimming pool. Last night was the swimming pool. Graces were turning
*s -*u-?o effort because this might
ä r,igh ..Ëgäi ;""i".. some_rsaults, sitting cross-legged on the bottom of the pool, knifing through thewa-
if"ijd?tJï'dt_1""9 ^
gives a shit which oí"I 'ntt tou've
\Ë"yffi;}i" qix b_" ce!!þg
gotten into an Iw l,."g""
"ãjf"g"
er/lryf Wfi; ter' You just hung there, inhaling as if tlre heavy blue water was both fresh air and a
nice cold drink.
Always, in the dregms, the Graces look at you and they go, "Elì9*. 4ìö* 4 Èå qì+."
*.ffiiìii'ffi
out Princeton
rnåf#i:i':îTffiå*tïr;rH¿rn
yale.
j",fl"f,!åsf
r#ä
_.
Ypu aq\ them, "4 *?" You" accent is perfect. You sound like an ingénue on one of
and Nã,,r"_glr." n"rt special category species, family, genus, those K-dramas that your mothet's addicted to. "qì *," they answer. In the dreams,
thingknownas vellow t"uiri. v"Iã-iui"ä*n "FtË
äl,t soppos"ä tí so-Ir.y Lu"coe_you,ve you understand every word.
fooled them aI. vorr
"¡""t"", vã" fä"iäiä"¿v fo, your new-life.- On thebus, when you jerk awake, your face feels tired.It's the same wayyour face
rfs all so rh¡ilrins. r"9
¡äii:i"" rd;ñ ñ;"'idi,;;;ä#äL
lege applicarion essär*. Arãiírrl-trtîö3inüry"t" rnu, in your col_
-
always'felt after elementary school slumber parties-your eyebrows were unused to
being hoisted so high, and your mouth-corners felt as-thoug'il*r*y h.d been pushed
r"u whar yôu had decided shourd wide and pinned. Bacik then, your face didn't move much; when arìyone in your fam-
h""n*:t ft#ffii.ñ;hõiüå".ä#. i, _õt"r
"á"Jii""ä"ïäe airry rrair, trrã ily smiled, your pops got paranoid. He thought the joke was on him; now it is;it is.
.er,"",dr-d"[y*#ff ?,¡i:]äiîtr"i.ru:#,ç#*"1ï;*r":fl#.:îi""
did¡'t want to b; admitted --r' ¡*""-äirrä"
w¡¡vr u"* what you were. you rike origrn- story. You first figured out that you rrere yellow trash when you were thir-
there's some honor in that. ""ri -vv..E,v to think teen and attended a suulmer m-usic day camp two hours away, in a nice neighbor-
Even tholgh yoo *"y o, may not have hood with a good school district. We ¡oUr tnow that you're not tirât good at theäolin.
cheated. on the SAT,
But already you were thinking about college appüóations, and seãrching for cheap
Breakfast is last dinner of chilly white rice and l¡imshi, and easy ways to make yourself appealing to admissions oilcials.
st'omach tutl and "i+t," ¡rãatnìät;^oJd which keeps your
Anyway, you were getting offthe bus in that nice neighborhood when the handle of
"o"i rhi;H.
car. You tike ro thiok that trri. ¡1.*i'"?piffi
for a citv girr oí the go w*hour a _
l"r-"rrt"¿ifiï_¡i"äth the violin casg slipped out of your hand. You stopped to wipe your sweat¡r hand on
_ight your T!-shirt. Someone pushed up behind you and said, "Out of my way, chink:
to "o*"_
The 0fier Groces l1
 July 2010 Asimov's

Who does that? Surely the dickhead utterer of such words must have been green- determine if your waving and w'ithered cold hand is the one they want to catch and
skinned, a thousand feet tall, dragging a spiked clutbehindïä it pi.t"a ,ñ¿ ut" yank out ofthe sea.
Bltr 1g, j! w1¡jri¡l sõm-e pretty whfte girlfa iiîil" ot¿"" than you,
" (You've thought this through. You chew your nails, a lot,_anq spit out keratin ex-
11._:yl !o,os.gtÌ.
hrgh-ponytailed plosively lik" .ã -uny ¡ittun--offends of cigars. You like to think you fret in s!Vle')
and tall. she didn't even look at you as sñe walked past. It was ar só - ftr" räftãni au' irãiã"g gray expanse. Àt lunch, y-o-u .-tt-*ltt".\*kay with so-ne
I:yf.itt tla!.voy fel^t as though you were waiching u *o"iã-ãiiourself. A movie
Oh, butfor you it was-playrng in Extreme Feet-O-Vision, in that you friends. Tama iJyour ¡uJt-ftió"¿ Ëere. Tama's half-black half-white, her skin paler
?:îlll1ltip!
lelt everJ¡thrng, all the hurt and shock, and that despite your best effofté to blend in, tþan yours. She,Ë stupid-pretty. Not as in ridiculously pplty, þut.as in pretty in a
to embodyawhiter shade ofAsian, this thing jurt rruppé""d á yo;,
it had happened *äv tirut ittitially makeîp""ptã think she's not smart, with hér jutting upryl liq qqd
before, and it would happen again. her lashes so thick ttrey p'âss for eyeliner. You and Tama have an unequal friendship
It was unfair how everyone ãould look at her and not see a-let,s be blunt, Grace, a of the type where she is your best-friend¿nd youere probsbly nothers.
racist asshole-but just about anyone could look at you u',a seãã You bieak Fritos in yõur mouth and listento Tamã talk about her mother's new
You walked to the middle school where the music camp met,
and"rrinL.
spent a few min- pui"tittg. it is somethiig sexually explicit involving satyrs and plums. Tama's par-
ules þ quietshock as.everyone around. you chattered
"rd;;;;ã üp.A"r, ii,;ho
ents are both arüists.
plaled the cello, asked you what was *rärg. You pull out Science Fiction Terror Tøles, an act that 4ight be. rude if you w-ere
"Someone called me achink on the way õver here,,, you said.. there, but you are not there. They, your friends, like you wþen you're there, but-th-ey
Ann opened her mouth, s9 y-.ou felt enðourage¿ to riin. v"" said, "I didn't even do don t'missþu when yootu not tiíeïe. I don't read science fiction anJmore' but I like
anything to her. I hate people.', io *"i.ft vó" do it. Yöu get so lost, Grace. þu-'re split in two: youle immersed in a
'wo|," she said. she gave you a look of pity.'TrTo one,s ever called me a chink before.,, ;i"ry ;b;út; Ãu" *rro ii .ottrn""¿ about if he's really a man or a robot (truth: he's a
crumpled tike-a soda can. ñeuer?-gitch, pl"Ããxã" tiro"girt: if you be- -
bomb), but you're also dreamy for the better days to comf.
rreve lT_
'.3-! -rl{gu
thøt then I have a very l.oyeþ
fik9, laSoda to sell you. Admit it, ¡7ou woädered
niáíü"ó*,yo..'"" u *irao itt a hooded sweatshirt, a skinny girl shapeless but for
how itcoul{_be
lhqt you goi chinËéd a¡'oLtättce u *orrih but Ann never had in her u eiã'arrti. ;.. ftri"L of a boa constrictor that's just uut-"t ? goat. Stand the boa con-
entrre lrfe. Wasn't there enough racism to go around? stfrãtor on its pointy end. The goat, sliding deeper_into its bo.clv in one thick lump, is
t;; ;;.. I'hã't"st õf yoo, in tlîs ei<ample, is tñe boa constrictor, which was chosen
. .It ryag-tlen you realized tñat there are"many different kinds of Asian girls. one tits.
kind i,s_Yellow trash; tþa,t is what_you are. No riattu" rro* because obviously boa constrictors do not have
wear Nettrogena lin shimmer and speak perfect pnglist¡ oúih;;;. vä-¡*"r, your hair and But someday, far into ihe future, you wi-ll look fi¡e. )Iou will have mgney to-spend
hace of fobbi_
string instrumenr tike_, ruv, Ary Li, yäu *u and you wiil on your clotheË instead of going to ihe thrift store and pretending that the stuffthere
:::-::i1pþ,v,u
never be rrl(e her, because you are yellow trash and pe ople "ãii-iËirer is Jool but really picked ovgr by ta[tooecl twenty-somethings and
can tell'. Even if it takes "rr"tytttäg"îeen
them a while. ail that's left aré ractË of sía ¡¿nk tõps with droopy armpits and flared stretch den-
im. Your hair wiII be washed with shãmpoo like the snodof unicorns and cruel hair-
-J.::y: at
aoout_you il fiüt.lþ"1 only spe an Aqian girl carrying a viotin case, and if rhey think
all, it's to wonder at what a dweeby liitle prince", íou must be. But .ivtl.i. *tt" ut" *¿" to everyone elsebút kind and complimqryuty t-o you will shear
then they realize that the viorin is bomowed fr'"* th";;ríty,"ïããr'-"ri" Vo" irrto acceptability. So*"d.y you'll learn on your ownthe things
that no one both-
equipment
room, de-ep.scratches next to the f-holes as if Wolverinã Ñ""t*ii-rtá¿ given'ctåssic;t ered to teach you. You'll be a lovely young woman.
r'?usic.a youwill.
Þ1"{try before roaring in frustration, that v"" .."
á"1îì"er understand Yes

*:* L:I:lytrat
rnar your
yoy' p.a1e3ç are saying rirináij,iúãtt;?årh;;ì,
mother-who, letit be known, is amazing at her job-periodically haé
;ffi.ö Riding the bus home after school, you think about those letters that might be in
clients who to speak to her manag"t b""urrr" doõs her manaeer know that this tfre mait¡o" right now. Why not? Yoú've got a perfect4.0 (albeit the easiest 4'0 ever),
-ryant
w.2mqn tgtally ca_nnot speøh English?,lhatyour brother lik";to;;l on the floor in_ æazy extracvfrculars, a btiltiuttt essay all about, like, re.alizing stuff at important
moments, and an SAT score of 2400' A perfect score.
3{e hult'v á¿ weira u"d ;;"¡hirsl"äàprv wrong with
you
:-*j*PSljhut
you anct rt will never be right unless you.do something drastic]üke go
¡..¡v ð a\aray to ãn Ivy Around this time last year, you received a strange inwitatiorr to join a-group on a
o
League.college and return transmutäd, if at all. -----v' social networking websile. T]t" gtoop was called The Other Graces, and when-you
You like to think that the Ivy Leaqre^is m,ystical, miraculous-that,
in a biogra- saw its members] you looked *õnrr.Î the library in a panic and scooted-yogt -cþ"il
phy,, it erases everythin-g ttrat öomes'¡efãr"ll, or closer to the compúter. Because the other members of lhe Other G.races looked just
elie i*b"esä iqooble childhood "
rrr¡rth a magrcal sense of purpose.
And it goes without saying that ii charrns the life ük; yo;, but older, afaifeient ages and hairstyles and clothing.
that comes after it. -wéit, íã"];il¿ Th" next daylyou received â message from Grace Prime, as she
Grace, you moron. called herself. Grace Prime got right to it:
But I understand. Things were rough; you got single_minded. you have been chosen foi a mentorship. by the other graces . .
íne otner graces are grace chos from dlteinate timelines of a.high fidelity to yours
_
Your higþ school is named. after a Native American chief artd is said
to be one of we have d"ecided to hélp you with your dream of acing the sat
diverse hleh schools in the statã, whiãh-""iJrt"out"ly gives erh- in order to do so i will häúe to opeñ a subspace corridbr into your brain
*:f-::1:þtcallv
ruc drversrty a terrible nâme beca rÎe school is truly rubbish. Thej don't of- please respond with your answêr within two business days
-the þish
classes, which is a big part ofwhat
{q4p drõve you to cheat on the sAl betauselhe allbest
SAT is then the only objectlvè mea.sure by whicL admissions ãffciJs grace prime
win be able to
12 Alke Solo Kim The Other Groces t3
 Asimovt
July 2010
chem-
after test after test-Molecular Biology, English Literature, world History-,
You wrote back and asked her what a subspace corridor was and what it would do i"t"y. fft.tlr frò* it ftupp""ãã:Th¡J ir ñä; yoû ktto* you will get into anv college vou
inside your brain. You told her that you needõd more information before proceeding, want. You knorv.
duh. Grace Prime called you at homã later that night. How she got your 4umber you I am still with you, after all these months-I cøn't pult myself away-and I know
- don'tknow.
still this
-_ too.
"It's a way of traveling between universes," said Grace Prime' "You won't feel any- fit" price you pay is that you'll never know how smart you really are'
thing. \ryeil, you may side effeci of odd dreams, just here and there, bUt
"*fr".i"tr""'. pr-epared to gutìt of
thatË the iut rt" ofihe il;t. It's an invasion, dear. A kindly invasion. You don't need When you finaþ get home, you yank open the mailbox door'
ru"" is tingly and yow clothes are sticking
to be afraid." its contents. Tlnere's
The cordless handset rested on your face.You tapped your feet on the wall' "You'II to
-- you, sweaty and ""ihiditì"tir;i"lyo*
wet as a pupal.skirr'.
Chan-
all be inside mybrain? For how long?" Å; ;¡pg;t"á, vo* ¡"ãtî"" LJùe is sitting o-n the couch, w-atching the Hist'ory who, if
*a it's unclear
Grace Prime's voice was old. Qua:vering-old, creaky screen door-old, garglin-g with nel. your mother io:tñå.-u* rrtã*, à"îa-tooq g pe'ople, and
anvone. inherited th*irî;k". Bãtf, of yóü ate patchfand-unnnisne¿.
Luke is twenty-
Listerine for a thousand years-olã. But stiong and scary. "Once created, the subspjlce
corridor remains open for a time before fading away. It haq to close on its own' It'll äi":'fi å"fiï'h"ä*ìi;öñ;;äð''ia"d"t'tapwav,bvattendiag-coTmunitv.col-
to tire stäte-universitv' Yet here he is' It
take time, but eventually your mind will be all yours again." Ë;f* t*;yã*r ""¿ã;"i"g-;; "ft;"*ard
j"Et ã""r tð Éfro* tfrutîã"up! endeavor. Otherwise you will loop
"I don,t want a bnnch of strangers running ihrouglr-my brain." You laid back on -"t1¡" a drastic
yo* Uáa, your big toe into ã dent on the wal1 frãm that time you threw a desk äro""Ziot"t ¡ack to the.o*Ë", an orbit decaying into sodden trash'
drawer at "i""t
it. 'lMhere's the mail?" you say.
-Crace Prime sighed. "Grace, privacy is overrated. Especially lmong- thos-9-who've He rolls his eyes your way.-"Kitchen tab-le.-"
already thought"your thoughts, or near enough. You think about that. We're no llrure's ,rottlttg there but cahlogs and bills' "Nothing for me?"
Ãi"u"e"r.. Tlñtk ábout what"thui -"un". Do you want a pprfect score on the SAT or "Nope."
á¡¿ tttose subject tests are killer. You'vé not exactþ had a classical education. "Are you sure?"
"ttt
You need the help. But it's your decision to make." He sighs deeply. You know Luke is tired from his nocturnal
job, making X-ray copies
You listened 6 the TV får a while. The way it sounded from the other room, the for hospitals. He also;;rk"';; di".ount depattment store. But yoq thi¡k this is no
its noise, made you think of someone þeing þfuapped. oh, Grace: you
walls mufiling"ecstatic ;;;;ã;î"iùr"ãft t"ttfr".¿, r ié*iqp Ërother, a faker, a conspiracv theorist' .
composed an letter in your head, like a Penthouse Forum letter except not to ,.IJh,,,he finally " ö;ä;;" by u"tliãt t Írim thróugh thé window' He took
penihouse:Dear Amq,zing Stoiies-1ou'Il neuer belieue whøt happeræd to rne . . . "uyr.mailbox." "u*
sometiring out oithe
Then, slowly, you agreed to everything. ..ARE YOU KIDDIAiCïiËT WTTV DIDN'T YOU STOP HIM? DID YOU SEE
icooá," Craóe p¡m"e said.'You won'tiegret it. We get results. We change lives.n WHATITWAS?"
"Now what?" ;lfË-*o"f¿ fràrre made me let him into the house," your brother says simply' "It was
,Ñow I tell you the truth,2 she said. "The subspace connection was already opg}Sd. envelope. Stop fucking yelling'" -
It was the onf way we cooid talk." She coughed, but not in an embarrassed way. "I'm
- big
a
fñ" lãJtär" v"i,t futftäiËo[ itrìi tftg house, he went around from cleaning everything
*"""î.off"Ii'üäãï""ãfr "f_¡,uperé and-magazines the living vour and vour
- yõrrrI do hate
sorry. to trick a Grace."
"p,îfti.ft TË; walkedäound room and
head jerked up, just a little. The phone stayed stuck to your cheek. 'ïMe're mother,s rooms he
talking on thè phone. You called me on the phone." ""d,ñ;;;?;i"*
took all the Christmu"-uîã
"p.
Ëi*frday änd congratulations cards that your mother had
over the y"*r ;ã;;i ãtí tfr" *utË and he rippecl tho.se up-too. Ygu c-am9
"Unfortunately not," she said. "Sorry."
T6e dial ton" bu.*á" louder, turned up and up, until it was all you could hear. And home to three big gt;tyî"'g;foä of tipp"d,-up p-aper õlustered
"åããi""a neatly by the front
then you realized that it was all you had ewer been hearing. äããt, br"oiher itt hi.iooot with the door closed'
on your
Yori never spoke to Grace Prime again. Grace Prime, ancient, weird, brilliant-you your mother,s not *;;h-"f . ñller, but that night she really went off
"t¿vo"t
the mien of
brother, which rt nrsöïä;"d"ñ;ffä""r ¡ã.u"õ Luke alreadv has
wonder how she's been. Moved on to anothei'young Grace, you imagine your father
She may have lied to you, but the subspace corridor worked. On the morning of the one who has just ¡""" Jãíf"a .t, t"ãut¿1".t. But after that, he never let
Set, Vã" þot to the tesõing sit€ and tiedyour hair back as solemnly as a kamizake *36dtù;h";
into the house again.
kill vou if
pilot,
^ sitting moírolith-straight in q loom lrll of slouchers. ñ th" living room, sho-e,s still on (and yoùr mother would It will
she knew!), yoo .orrriãävdr;úî¿;" %"Ì" not
The answers came to you unbidden, if not of you then from you. The roomlvas goi"e to cail vour mother'
will feel sorry that
silent but your mind was stuffed migraine-fuII. You wondered,-as you do now, if the only stress her out, u"ã lftä" rft"'*iU stress you out]anõ1fr9n you
feeling of ihe panoply of Graces in your head, their voices as familiar as your own ;Éú¡| AË-tttãit ai"ot iou discovered tha! vgur father had given
;.o..îe.'e;ãd
"Vã*-à"tñãt;*i"k"'d head injury,yeais ", and yearg ago.I-t's hard to picture now'
;h;;gËtr, is wirat if iä Ute to be youi father, who gets transmissions from a place he
calls-the Information Center. Sômetimes you imãgine how nice a place called The He is like King Mr. H";ã "f hñtylfi-"éú'o*, a män who"g.ot knocked straight out of
Informatión Center would be, so straightforward and honest, but then yog remgll- a world in whicrr rte irãiif-tã"laite u"¿ puopÍ" are conspiñng agailst him in buzzing
^u"¿
ber thatThe Information Cenier onlywhispers lies to your father,lies that keep him clusters, into this *""Iä, *t";; h"b u ¡ri* one Leheies a thing he says' He's
"o once he was'
awake all hours of the night, listening and scheming. ,"t ã"páUf" of hurting ãnyone now,ùut you must remember:
in the ass in thir-
With the assistance of*the other Giaces over the Èubspace corridor, you aced test you worry *rr"r, itäí;h; üä t"jiry *isÌrt ¡ite your mother
"o
Alice Solo Kim 15
14 The 0fier Grsces
 July 2010 Asimov's

ty or so years. For now, her memory just sucks, kind of. she forgets when she,s the wrong ways. I'm poor enough for you. But not so poor I can',t pay (let them find
promised to take-you
¡hoppin_g becauäe shopping -"k"'h;;;ir"¿-""¿ ,i*"vq ãi the truth out later).
yays_you demand far too mucñ. once rlpon a ti*õrrre na¿ trrr"ã:o¡, t" -"i"jõü Yoú've made your blood go hot and speedy at the thought of what these-colleges
l* :$ry:* !o*P*v: ?loccasional job at the
¡earÈt fid"d:ñh å.t nì"¿ pr""å, ."ã "t have done to yoü without their knowing it, making you borv and scrape, lraking you
the Jewelry counter at JC Penney's on the weekends). Now she only
- -. needs ãrrÉ jou, rewrite and rädo your life, until you want to cursive your arlge_r across the skies, or
butthe tiredness persists, deeperied into somethinj ãÍitoni". - better yet, hack tËose .edus to sciawl in crude MS Paint on the home-page-bgT9ry-I-
barrier thing-this occasionalrv driftv quality her; after all, WOULDN'T GO TO YOUR FUCKING SCHOOL IF YOU PAID ME A MILLION
yoïr lrte began happening-in the Korean language, you wouldï,tto be
r."lt^:_1:,?-llanguqge a'ble to re- DOLI,ARS TIMES A BILLION DOLI,ARS SO YOU CAN EAT MY ASS I(ITÐ(BYE.
mgpq_e_r or express anything for shit.
AILBEST, GRÁ,CE CHO.
,^Y.I4:*t^,calf v9,ur mo¡þr whgg you tellher the good news about college. She'll And yet, and yet. Every time, you picked up the books and brushed them off You
De thnlled. she is the saddest and least trashy out of any
of you. This is w"hy life is read eãch'sentence in yõur essay alõud, searching for the perfect words, tamping
hqldest for her-_you allow yourself to behave "¡"alv *rtilË rrr,í áü.t"irr. down the parts ofyour brain that cringed at your asshattery your mendaciousness.
-r need a nde downtown,'you say your
þ brother. Because:
"I'm busy," he says. Remember your brother. Remember your father, remember your mother.
llt's the History channel! They show everybhing five billion times!,, Rememberihe Asian imposters at Stanford. TVo recent news stories made^y-ou
_ 'Ancient astronauts," s_ays Lúke. "In the cha;i";, ;f¿h"C"d;. chariots of the laugh, they scared you so mirch: an eighteen-year-old girl named Azia Kim,(Azia? Se-
P9';^5*
and. ry::liflv and holds his head back
ctouble-chinned, unpleasantly taxidermied.
i" ;;"y tüåi *äË. rri- ñk ildt ¡oristytl posed as á Stanford University freshman foralmost a whole year. S_he lived
t'Come in the doirns! She joined the ROTC! Just a week after, a wolnaq named Elizabeth
on. Luke."
Okazaki was discovered to be posing as a visiting scholar in the physics dep_artment
,He's gotten into a state. He does this all the time and it is so awfut. He,ll repeat at-yes!-stanford again, hanging out at Varian Physics Laboratory_and accom-
phrases from his conspiracy theory books over .rrd orrerãeãirr, p"rfor*
weird tics phsËing the heroic feat of beinþ even weirder and creepier than a pack of physics
and squ_eaks (this is where the spitting on the n"- trti"g'*-Lãì"1. you grad students. Azia and Elizabeth were both kicked offcampus. -
know he
doesn't have Tourette's, you
þryo*, butîe Hkes tã;"tlik".Ë d;r..you wil under- - To a certain extent, you had to admire them. They were too dumb or uniucky or
stand later that damage manifests'itserf in so many differe"¡ *;;;
have svmpatþ for Luke, with his falie Tourertdr. "T;dù;h;ääi
ilt"", vão *igt t crazy ot poor to realize this one stupid dream of theirs, bu!,tþat didn't stop them.
úút;;ihilt To a much greater extent, you hãd to.separate yourself from any identification
is that he is disgusting.
"t with them, bãcause you werô getting into college in a legit way (or, rathe_r, your
cheating would be so teehnotogicatty ãdvanced and devious that no one would ever
"Ancient astronauts."
nnd outi, and they had ruined"Stanford for you-you imagined campus pôlice look-
::lhu!. th_e-fuck up," you say, grabbing your backpack and moving
- ---Þ out the door. ing out for girlsTøsú like you, chasing you across the moist gre_en-lawns and under
"Don't tell me to shut u_p,tuke says",äuddenly ä"eïy.
th-e Spanisñ titõs and demanding ID, except you were already late to class, and
Yo¡r hlte
. ¡rourbrother!Yes you do, right nowtiou ¡îðåme even more furious when, everyone was staring, and, and. . .
ly*gk* t l*:rrqythespvhouse.,
a stgb oJspit gn_rhe
{o"-1tt;ilä*h. H";""Id il;
but he just_do_esn'r. The sighr of ft grosses yo'oot
You didn't apply to Stanford.
iï::,11TT_:pll!l"c T
rt makes you feel existentidly depressed an--d row atä lo.r"rõ-e, urÌ
::r_:^".::3:pso
ror your brother.
For there are times w\e_n y9u are near-friendf, w_hen you sit and
watch rhe simp-
CUSTOMER SENVICE
sol¿s reruns tog_ether and. he fopetgþ spit on the floor'and
act irazy,or times whón OR. SU8SCRIBER ASSISTANCE
vou. ask hip pglite_ q¡¡estions his öonspiracy th;;rie; ;ä;ry 6 li$* qúit;
.ab-out
or times when he delivers unto yoq tiny kinånesrä* r"ért ãã""* o.i" of btuãíi
n$Prle.deparrment
'lhe
store wherõ hu *o.tq ¡otih;t. ñ;;oi enough]"styít's not. Plesse directoll chonges of oddress
one trme it's vital.for you to
_get downtown very quickly and it takeã ábout an qnd subscriplion queslions lo:
hour to get there on the bus and-the bus smells-iíkJ;;iJ;;; ilutt-mushrooms
wþq ilPins (which it$d tast-night), Luke .o*pÉ"ly;rr"t.
v"" å'"-"1
FIICK this sruPID family you-saiÍour the dooq ñhË
hind you;you kicþ the dSor;,hg op.ens i.t
ñú äuä to lock it be-
"n away as the
ssreendoo-r squeaks shut and theioordoor ""ã-y"U.ãíy*ä"ir";yä-r""
sranns; th"ty; åiJr-", yo* brother
lapses back into his History Channe! stupo";be"aúr" ""ãtn""J. íã"uy else to d.o.
"ãtrti"g
well as I, þave had those times where you don't feel like trying anJ¡more.
--Ygr,as
Yoq've thrown vour
sAT qtudy
make much noise when they þooks
across tþ"
youle laughedTäñ-ÈË;ni-r" ù".i=:6;¡;;4
$t. at your-;*" ;";å; in tü;ipHc;-
tion essay: wah wah, please iake me. I'm ñi" ro; ñ". î;i'""t ethnic in all
"tt "ró"äú
16 Alire Solo Kim The Oüer Groces 17

July 2010
x**
Your father's shelter is on the outskirts of downtown, in an emptied neighborhood
scattered with unsuccessfirl coffee shops, corner stores, dead brick businõsses, and
bus stops. The shelter is unobtrusive andlooks like a tax office from the outsidô, ex-
cept for a faded sign that reads FRANCIS-HOLT HouSE. The buzzer is brokeá, so
you wait outside the door, peering in through the glass until a resident spots you and
lets you-in. You've never seenffi 6"¡o¡s-¿ midfue-aged black man wôariog . *a-
roon T-shirt with a stretched-out neck.
__After op_enqg the door, he smiles kindly and says,'Would you like some money?"
He opens his hands and all these dollar bills falt on the ground. you help him pick
lhem up, and the! go down the hallway to the elevator. When you pass tËe main of-
fice, you-wavg at the girt inside and tell her you're there to see youifather. Of course
you don't te! !e1 why you're here and what you might do, so she smiles and says
that he's up in his room.
Everyone in this house has got something weird v¡ith their heads. Which should
go without sayingbut every time you come here it's as if you've stepped onto a stage,
t¡t9. a company of committed improv actors who incoiporate yoï into skits wiltú
Quþo-typ_e p_arameters of which no one has informed yìu; you-,re just playing but
they are wholly serious.
You take the elevator up to the fourth floor. The hallway is stufüz. It smells of mad-
ness, which is something like the smell of people who dol't have itre rigttt soap and
prod-ucts^to get fully clean in the shower, and who wear clothes that cãme irhuge
batches from churches. You knogk on your father's door. He €ulswers right away.
I_ou say hello, leaning to give him a carefirl hug.
He smiles. You haven't seen him in a few monihs, so every time you visit you fear
that he'll tgqþ litg just another bum, just another crazy on the street. Always, he
looks okay. His hair is neatly parted, and he is clad in cleãn-as-is-possible stacks and
button-down shirts. The thing about yellow trash that yon remeirber is that yellow
trash can be visually deceptive.
"Grace," he says. "4ì* þoøl 4 * 4*
fmessy) luery tired.-looking]."
Every^time you see him. you are relieved that he loôks so good ¡ùi tre gets upset at
-how awful you look.
"How are you doing?" you say.
'Ah,'he says, like ten light bulbs have exploded above his head. "rì *.
inl;'
ü* lcorne
Your father has me.llowed out extremely. There's a night you remember, a long
agg,.wþen,he left home. You and your mother and your biother went to íetriev"e
!þe
him
qnd_þ{ a huge shoutingfight in a motel courbyard. peopre were smiling as they
watched. The same lQqn-le,-tþat liked watching your famiiy fight probaËly hkeä
watching that show COPS. Why else would theysmile?
His place now looks like a motel room, ever¡rthing petite and self-contained, an an-
¡w.er t9 the_question , How_little do 2'ou need in ordei to feel like a respectable'human
being in tod,øy's Amcrica? You stand by the round table next to his beä. Your father is
on medication that makes his feet dance forward and back in a shuffling samba. You
looked it up;it's called tardive dyskinesia, and it is the result of an evll White Ele-
phant p_art-y in whieh one-gives up psychosis in order to win a case of pseudo.Parkin-
s-on's. All the way home from the library you chanted "tardive dyslånesia, tardive
dyskinesia" unlil it turyed into "retardeùsynesthesia," which h.u" Leen yet
another mental ailment lyrng in wait for your father. "ould
_ "come on, Dad, þt's sit dowp.]Yo¡ put your hand on his elbow and herp him down
into the chair. He doesn't need the heþ, but it makes you feel better and'maybe him
too. He used to harsh you out every time you saw him, especially back when he still
18
Alice Solo Kim
Asimov's
had money and his illness still seemed more like an overabundance of cruelty and
suspicion than anybhing else.
These days, during the good visits, you two can walk arm-in-arm down the street
to get tacos; this is sãmething that never, êver would have happened before. So you
have hope, now. Which is a terrible thing Grace. I feel sorry for you.
"Dad,t you say, "Luke saw you get some of the mail from our box."
He nóds, andþns so widáy yõrl see the spaces where teeth are missing.
"W'as there anything for me?" "at
He opens his black ãatchel, which he keeps clean and polished, and pulls out a big
flat envelope.
On thatènvelope are the colors of a school youTe dreamed abqu . Inside that en-
velope must be a Yes, or at the very least a strong Maybe. Around that envelope are
your
- father's fingers. proud you," a sentenee that you can understand in
He says, "I anivery of Fnglish
or in Koiean. You baõËin it, you do, his pride and the fact that you finally understood
something completely. Everything's so tenuous' Everything's about to be undone.
"Thank;, Daå," yoú say. Vou anã yout father smile at each other, and he reaches
over to pat you on the shoulder. "Can I see it?n you say.
+ tll * tkeep safe) 4,-* Infórmation Center- EÌ + tì F*."
"Noj'Le says loudly,;q
He slides tËe envelöne back into the satchel and rests his arm over it. "4 * [¿åis ¡s]
4,* t""i ø ænaoil. rl Þà Ëlìs} but you careful. Eìls* 4 ëÌ Information Center 9l
+ 4È* tll* ty"* *"tn""ltl|'* Ëls* tÌ+ rl* CatholicChwch EÌÞ* EìE q"ù q
+ rÌ + tìl €- Ë*v"r ã* Ëå Ell Þå rl + ilì * lmoneyT rrì så El Få EJ
Erì Elì Eìl 4 ÞJ fl ÞàEÌl
Eìl9} q E
l,lrtu e q + rlì"+ i^¡no""l EìlÞÈ Eìleå lteleuision news s,nch.orsl tìlÞJ
"J "å
4l* so*eti-er *ã not smart Þ* tl + Elìãå rl Þ* tI need to make you studyl 4
Eìl
vã"
eå tì Þå Eìl s+ EfìÞÌ I wi]l call school Eì eå Ëìl $}. I'm coming with you. We go together."
You know that's not true and he can't, he just can't. It's all ctazy talk. How's this
guy going to get on a plane and follow you anywhere? He couldn't even ride the bus
if he didn't get a pass from the shelter.
But at the sa-e time éveryihing he is saying is so true that your heart andyour
head want to explode. You feêI tikð crying, but your body is set up to not-cry if,s set
up to shunt thaf impulse into thinking about crying, all lhe crying you will hav_e to
dõ later, in your room at home. But by then it will be all gone. That's the problem
with saving it up.
"Okay? Okay?"he is saying.
Heliurned with despair-because despair can make one oddly light, isn't that right?
Everything tost, and what remains is so stupid and pointless it's lighter than popcorn-
you tise up and stand over your father. He is smalt and thin in his paper-bag-cinched
ilacks and you feel huge. You're taller than both of your parents because you were br_ed
on meat and wnite bread and hatefirl, indigestible milk. Tleis can happen to guys who
are afflicted with Bad Dads. They take it until they're flfteen, sixteen, until they dis-
cover that they're big enough to start hitting back. You're a girl, but over the years
youTe been gettlng angry and big øo. So slowly that you had no idea it was happening.
- He looks up at you. The redslf his eyes are showing, the skin underneath them
tymphy and bagged. "\Mhy you are so bad to me,"he says.
"I'm not bad," you sav.
"You know ríhut ftapp"" Eìì EJ Eìl *," he says,'You don't help stop. You blame me'"
"I don't know what tb stop, Dad," you say. You're sinking again. You sink lower,
catching your head in your arms, entirely exhausted.
Therã are things yoúîe got to do now. YouTe too tired to do them. You've got to-call
the school and aõkihem fõr another packet, have them send it to your high scho_ol
or-your mom's workplace. lhey'll say, "Why?" maybe, and you will tell them a lie. Or
The Other Groces 19
July 2010
THE GEARS OF NEI'I AUGUST
maybe you'Il say, "None of your fucking business!" and slam the phone down and
then they'n un-admit you. Maybe it's alþour father's fault that you are yellow trash One of his purple calves
and you will stay that way forever, but there must have been some way things could
had worked through the fence
have been better. A way that is lost now. Plenty of people deal with plenty of things
and they don't turn out trash. and strayed too close
He reaches into the briefcase and takes out the enve.lope again, This time he opens to a flesh-eating tree.
it and pulls out the letter to show you. He hands you the letter. It's nice.A seal's been
punched into the paper, and someone is congratulating you. You barely read it. Already half-consumed,
"That's fine," you say, and slide it back to him. its limp hindquarters
The letter's not the thing. I told you, Grace. This story ends well, sd never you wor- hung from the serrated pod.
ry; you don't need the fucking letter anyway.You're in, you're in, and no one can tell The old man leaned heavilY
you that you're not. Don't cry please.
He says,'You study law, or medicine. If you study law you can do English too in
on the rock corner post,
undergrad tl5* Eìl5È.'
"I-lh huh.'A wailing rises up in your head. while the steady rays
Your father talks about getting an apartment----or, hey, even a house, because he'll ofthe encroaching suns
have money to burn-near the campus, where he can visit you every day. And there seemed to rake the air
comes a moment when you almost wish it could be true, all these delusions of his-
houses and money andcgllege degrees for anyone who wants sthose things so badly like nails on a washboard.
that they've dreamed themselves onto the streets and into homeless shelters. His face resembled the barn
"We can get cat or dog," he says. "4* lwhi.ch dn you want?| 4*
4l *
cat is cleaner."
he'd built the first year,
"f hate cats," you say. This is the worst. A pet. Something he could very nearly
now weather-brown and worn.
have. But he will never, ever have a pet.
"El e*? lwhat?1" he say s.
His eyes were dim pools,
"I like cats."
"Ca-Ii-co," he says, "4* lthose a.re the prettiestl." How does he know that word? flakes of dried mucus
Forget a wife, and kids, arid a life to keep warm and solvent-I can't even imagine at the corners like clouds
this man taking care of a pet. Suddenly I laugh. It surprises even me, but you get that never left the horizon.
pissed off. You shake your head. That's enough, you think, no more looking. No more
judgrng. Suddenly you lift a fist and punch the side of your head with a loud, inor- Summer had rusted out
ganic-souading thock. Inside your skull clangs and aches. It sur¡:rises even me. Get in the gears of New August,
out, get out, you think. Go away. the engine of the seasons
Doing something crazy in front of someone crazy is interesting; you woirder, how stalled in an alien drought.
will they explain this? Your father is staring at you with wide eyes, and you know
he's not getting up to help you. He?s figuring out how this all fits into the connected ln another month he would
flow charts and diagrams and blueprints and toppling spires in his constructed reap his bitter harvest
world. Someone's gotten to his daughter. Someone's put poison into her drinking wa- and await the supply shiP,
ter and made her go crazy. His daughter is not his daughter.
with little to offer.
"Dad," you say, "When you hear the Inforrnation Center, do you-"
But you internrpt by hitting yourself again . Go away go øway GO AWAY. This time
He glanced up expectantly
it takes. With a shock, I realize that it's my turn to feel, and what I feel is this: me
and everything else receding into a rapidly shrinking circle, a tiny angry pupil. asthe wind began to shift,
The corridot's closing; I'm an ant up a vacuum cleaner. but it only bogged down
and bucked like an old
Then I come to, and it's just me, all me-alone in my fancy house, chair tipped
back onto the floor. There's a broken glass beside me. I want to see how it ends. But I pick-up he could still
think I know how it ends. I think it's you who doesn't, Grace. My back is killing me. remember driving through
I get up from the floor; I stumble to the kitchen and palm some pills down my throat
the green hills of Earth,
and drink cold water from the dispenser.
I look at the elock on the wall. dreaming of the stars.
Only minutes have passed for me, just a few of them, but for you, oh you, Grace, Hank
Boston &Todd
for you it's been years and years and years. O -Bruce
20 Alice Solo Kim 21