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AmericasCardroom.com brings poker back
Million Dollar Sunday Tournament every Sunday

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The episode you are about to watch,

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assuming your eyes are open
and tilted towards me,

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is a story which can teach you
the difference between the word "nervous"

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and the word "anxious."

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The word "nervous" means
"worried about something."

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The way you might feel if you were served
prune ice cream,

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because you'd be worried
it would taste awful.

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I'm nervous.

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"Anxious," on the other hand,
means "troubled by disturbing suspense."

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The way you might feel
if you were served a live alligator,

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because you'd be troubled by the suspense

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of whether you would eat your dessert
or it would eat you.

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I'm anxious.

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If you are thinking about the story
of the Baudelaire orphans,

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you might feel nervous
because you do not know how it ends.

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But if you are viewing this story,
you will be anxious and troubled

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by the disturbing suspense in which they
find themselves hopelessly trapped.

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Now, Baudelaires,
I know you must be nervous.

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I was a little nervous
trying to find you a new guardian,

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given your track record.

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But never fear.
This is a very fashionable block.

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Much more fashionable
than where you lived,

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even though it's a few blocks away.

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We're not concerned
with how fashionable it is.
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We're more than nervous, Mr. Poe.
We're anxious.

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Our friends have been kidnapped by Olaf.

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- Yes, the Quagmire twins.
- Triplets.

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- There's only two of them.
- Quigley died in a fire.

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Then no need to worry about him.
As for Dennis and Iphigenia...

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Duncan and Isadora.

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- Do you know what that is?
- A police car?

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A citywide manhunt to apprehend Olaf
and rescue your friends.

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We at Mulctuary Money Management
are co-sponsoring every effort

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to bring this ghastly villain to justice.

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Look at the wanted posters
we had pasted up all over town.

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You can't see them.
The trees are blocking the light.

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Trust me. It's a good likeness
of a very bad person.

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Once I have dropped you at this apartment

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where old friends of your parents have
promised to be your guardians,

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I'm taking a helicopter ride
to search for the Quagmires

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using the binoculars my wife gave me
as an anniversary present.

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Now, let's see...

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Has anyone seen the numbers 667?

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It should be somewhere on this block.

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Another mysterious set
of our parents' friends.

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Who we've never met.

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Found the building. It's right next
to this lamppost I just ran into.

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Names?

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I'm Violet, and these are my siblings,
Klaus and Sunny.

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You're expected. But who's that
behind you with a nosebleed?

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This is a restricted area.

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Don't mind me.
I'm just dropping off the Baudelaires,

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and then I'm off to find a clinic
and/or bag of frozen peas

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before I miss my helicopter.

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Sorry.
No unauthorized parties allowed.

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There's a manhunt going on.

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Well, in that case, goodbye, Baudelaires.

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If you need to contact me,
remember I'll be in a helicopter

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and won't be reachable
at any moment at any time.

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- Friend of yours?
- Oh, he works at a bank.

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I know the type.

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In fact, you'll be staying with the city's
sixth most important financial adviser.

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Mr. and Mrs. Squalor
live in the penthouse,

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which is the top floor of 667 Dark Avenue,

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the most fashionable
and secure building in town.

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Count Olaf won't be able
to get in or out of this building.

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Sorry about the lighting. Dark is in.

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- In what?
- Just in.

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You can take these stairs
to the penthouse.

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Is the elevator out of order?

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I'm good with mechanical devices.
I'd be happy to look at it.

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A kind and unusual offer,
but it's not out of order. Just out.

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I'll phone the penthouse and tell them
to expect you within the hour.

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People who live in penthouses
are rich and powerful.

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I hope they can help us
find the Quagmires.

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We don't have a clue
where Olaf could have taken them.

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We're in the dark.

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The phrase "in the dark,"
which I'm sure you know,

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can refer to not only
one's shadowy surroundings,

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but also to the secrets
which might be surrounding you.

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Every day, the sun goes down
over all of these secrets,

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so everyone is in the dark
in one way or another.

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If you are sunbathing in the park,

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but you do not know
about the deep and dangerous pit nearby,

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then you are in the dark even though you
are not actually in the dark.

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If you are on a midnight hike

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knowing full well
that several ballerinas are following you,
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then you are not in the dark
even though you are in the dark.

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Of course, it is possible
to be in the dark in the dark,

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and to be not in the dark
not in the dark.

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But there are so many secrets
in this world

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that it is likely that you are
always in the dark about something,

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whether you're in the dark in the dark
or in the dark not in the dark.

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So you'll eventually fall

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into the deep and dangerous pit
dug by several ballerinas,

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which is dark in the dark in the park.

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That's odd.

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There's two sets of elevator doors. See?
On every other floor, there's just one.

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You must be the Baudelaires. Welcome.
The door's always unlocked.

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My name is Jerome Squalor.
I'm so happy you've come to stay with us.

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How do you do, Mr. Squalor?

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You must be out of breath from that climb.

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I can think of two things
to do about that.

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One, stop calling me Mr. Squalor
and start calling me Jerome.

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Number two, I am gonna make you
a nice, cold martini. Come this way.

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- A martini? Isn't that an alcoholic drink?
- Usually it is.

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But alcoholic martinis are out
and aqueous martinis are in.

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Aqueous martinis?

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It's just cold water in a fancy glass
with an olive in it.

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We've never had aqueous martinis before,
but we'll try them.

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You're adventurous,
just like your parents.

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I remember when we went up
to Mount Fraught
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and did high-impact bird-watching.
How many years ago was that?

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- Was Montgomery Montgomery there?
- Or Josephine Anwhistle?

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Who? No, I never met
any of your previous guardians.

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- You don't happen to own a spyglass?
- No.

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But one of the eagles flew off
with my best pair of binoculars that day.

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I was not happy.

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And then, soon after that, I lost touch
with your parents.

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You know how it is.

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You get older.
You find different interests.

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You marry a woman
who despises all of your old friends.

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But there's no need
to discuss such unpleasantness.

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I wanted to adopt you
the moment I heard about the fire.
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Unfortunately, it was impossible.

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Orphans were out then.

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But now they're in.

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- Good evening.
- It's mid-morning, my precious.

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I'm Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor,

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the city's sixth most important
financial adviser.

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Even though I am unbelievably wealthy,
you may call me Esmé.

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I'll learn your names later.

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I am very happy you're here.

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When all my friends hear
that I have three real live orphans,

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they'll be sick with jealousy.
Won't they, Jerome?

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I don't know. I don't like to hear
that anybody's sick.

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You'll have such a glamorous life with me

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that your friends' eyes
will roll back in their heads.

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You will be exposed
to all the innest restaurants,

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the innest boutiques, premieres,
cockfights, gallery openings.

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What my wife means is that we hope
you'll feel safe and secure.

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- Don't tell them silly things.
- Okay.

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Children, here are things you should know.

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Dark is in, light is out.
Stairs are in, elevators are out.

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- Pinstripe suits are...
- In.

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In.

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- In.
- Yes.

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Those horrible clothes you're wearing
are out.

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What my wife means is we hope
you'll feel comfortable while you're here.

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I feel awful about all
the terrible experiences you've had.

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This entire time,
we could've been taking care of you...

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It couldn't be helped.

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When something's out, it's out.
And orphans used to be out.

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We're glad you're interested
in orphans now,

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because we are concerned
about some of our friends.

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- Mmm.
- Oh...

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The Quagmires. I'm sure you're
anxious for them to be rescued.

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We are anxious.

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If there's one good thing
about being rich and powerful,

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it's you don't have to be anxious.

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After they're found, the Quagmires
will live right here with us.

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The more orphans the better.
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- It's handy to have a few spares.
- Okay.

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Rest at ease, Baudelaires.
You live in a penthouse now.

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You're never going to want
for anything again.

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All we want is for our friends to be safe.

168
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Well, I'm sure
we'll hear good news soon.

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Big fat fantastic news
about what we were just talking about!

170
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- Has Olaf been captured?
- The Quagmires rescued?

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Better.

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- Dark is out, light is in.
- Oh.

173
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We have to turn on lamps
and open curtains before anyone sees.

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Flip the light switches in the west wing.

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Baudelaires, open the curtains
in the living room.

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I'll run around in panicky circles.

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Something tells me the Squalors
won't be as helpful as we need them to be.

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Meanwhile, Olaf could be
getting further and further away.

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Does this seem like a nightmare?
A bad dream?

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Because that's the effect I was going for.

181
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Well, I have nightmares, too, orphans.

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I wake up
in the middle of the night screaming,

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and the only thing that comforts me

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is knowing the three of you
will soon be screaming.

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Just like another set of wealthy orphans
that happen to be in my clutches.

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- Duncan and Isadora.
- Where are they?

187
00:12:10,541 --> 00:12:12,375
You mean you don't know?

188
00:12:12,458 --> 00:12:15,166
I thought everybody
could smell wealthy orphans

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00:12:15,250 --> 00:12:17,500
when they were in arm's reach.

190
00:12:17,583 --> 00:12:19,000
Well, not to worry.

191
00:12:19,083 --> 00:12:22,875
Soon all of you orphans
will be in my clutches.

192
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Quagmires in one clutch,
and you, Baudelaires, in the other.

193
00:12:27,291 --> 00:12:30,500
This pesky citywide manhunt
may have foreshadowed me

194
00:12:30,583 --> 00:12:33,125
from taking them far away,
but not for long.

195
00:12:33,208 --> 00:12:36,041
You mean "forestalled."
But we're gonna stop you.

196
00:12:36,125 --> 00:12:38,375
- Mr. and Mrs. Squalor!
- Olaf is here!

197
00:12:38,458 --> 00:12:40,291
- What?
- It can't be!

198
00:12:41,583 --> 00:12:42,500
Did I hear you right?

199
00:12:42,583 --> 00:12:46,750
How did he get past the doorperson?
How did he slip by the citywide manhunt?

200
00:12:47,541 --> 00:12:49,125
- Where is he?
- Right here!

201
00:12:49,208 --> 00:12:53,250
It is true, please,
what the babushka is saying.

202
00:12:53,333 --> 00:12:56,708
- What?
- Count Olaf, please, is right here.

203
00:13:00,916 --> 00:13:03,541
This poster is limited edition, please,

204
00:13:03,625 --> 00:13:07,125
and is autographed by the star
of this month's manhunt.

205
00:13:07,208 --> 00:13:09,875
How in the world did you manage that?

206
00:13:09,958 --> 00:13:14,708
Please, pretty lady, I am foreigner.
We have secret ways.

207
00:13:15,833 --> 00:13:16,791
Who is this man?

208
00:13:16,875 --> 00:13:20,125
Jerome, I told you
Gunther was coming over today,

209
00:13:20,208 --> 00:13:22,375
and that he might need
to hide behind the curtains.

210
00:13:22,458 --> 00:13:27,708
Oh, yes! It is a pleasure
to make your acquaintance.

211
00:13:28,250 --> 00:13:30,291
- Hello, please.
- Okay.

212
00:13:30,375 --> 00:13:32,916
I hope you'll forgive
the way I am talking,

213
00:13:33,000 --> 00:13:35,625
but I am, please, a foreigner.

214
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Very nice to meet
the husband of pretty lady Esmé

215
00:13:39,541 --> 00:13:41,791
and three hideous children.

216
00:13:41,875 --> 00:13:45,791
Is "hideous" the right word
for what it is I am trying to say?

217
00:13:47,041 --> 00:13:49,666
So foreign, so in.

218
00:13:49,750 --> 00:13:51,916
This is Olaf, and I don't mean the poster.

219
00:13:52,750 --> 00:13:54,250
Beautiful, no?

220
00:13:54,833 --> 00:13:59,291
I can see that Count Olaf is
as handsome as a noble steed

221
00:13:59,375 --> 00:14:02,000
riding on the back
of a beautiful princess.

222
00:14:02,083 --> 00:14:05,583
His legendary handsomeness is celebrated

223
00:14:05,666 --> 00:14:09,458
in special weekly holidays
in my faraway land, please.

224
00:14:09,541 --> 00:14:11,000
What faraway land is that?

225
00:14:14,833 --> 00:14:17,166
Far away.

226
00:14:17,250 --> 00:14:18,291
Oh.

227
00:14:18,375 --> 00:14:22,916
I don't think Count Olaf
can get very far away.

228
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:24,708
Not with the law closing in.

229
00:14:24,791 --> 00:14:25,750
Oh.

230
00:14:25,833 --> 00:14:31,791
But think about the poor Quagmire twins
and their sparkly sapphires.

231
00:14:31,875 --> 00:14:33,416
They're not twins.

232
00:14:33,500 --> 00:14:37,750
If this Count Olaf is somehow recognized
and taken to jail,

233
00:14:37,833 --> 00:14:40,750
the little Quaggies
will never be found in their,

234
00:14:40,833 --> 00:14:44,083
how do you say in your language,
super-duper hiding place,

235
00:14:44,166 --> 00:14:46,000
and they will starve to death

236
00:14:46,083 --> 00:14:50,916
like castaways on desert island
or vegetarian restaurant, please.

237
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:52,375
Oh!

238
00:14:52,458 --> 00:14:55,125
Let's not talk about depressing things
like others being kidnapped.

239
00:14:55,208 --> 00:14:58,041
Let's talk about exciting things
happening to me,

240
00:14:58,125 --> 00:15:00,208
- like the In Auction we're planning.
- Ah!

241
00:15:00,291 --> 00:15:02,791
The In Auction is happening
on the innest day, tomorrow,

242
00:15:02,875 --> 00:15:05,041
at the innest auction house, Veblen Hall,

243
00:15:05,125 --> 00:15:09,041
and is being hosted
by the innest auctioneer,

244
00:15:09,625 --> 00:15:11,791
this foreign man named Gunther.

245
00:15:11,875 --> 00:15:14,250
Just look, look, look, look.

246
00:15:14,833 --> 00:15:17,541
Just look at this glossy
but classy catalog.

247
00:15:17,625 --> 00:15:19,958
This auction is going to be so fashionable

248
00:15:20,041 --> 00:15:22,458
that people are going to have
heart attacks and hives.

249
00:15:22,541 --> 00:15:24,750
Of course, all the money
goes to a good cause.

250
00:15:24,833 --> 00:15:26,125
Aw! Which good cause?

251
00:15:26,208 --> 00:15:27,583
- Me. Me.
- Me. Me.

252
00:15:27,666 --> 00:15:30,416
Every last penny goes to me.

253
00:15:30,500 --> 00:15:34,250
Yes, but there will be auctioneer's fee
and incidentals, so...

254
00:15:34,333 --> 00:15:37,166
Shouldn't we give the proceeds
to those who need it?

255
00:15:37,250 --> 00:15:40,000
Perhaps those starving people
we were reading about?

256
00:15:40,083 --> 00:15:42,000
Starving people can't eat money.

257
00:15:42,916 --> 00:15:45,458
Plus, if we give money to poor people,

258
00:15:45,541 --> 00:15:49,208
they won't be poor, and we won't have
anyone to feel sorry for.

259
00:15:49,291 --> 00:15:51,000
Aw, poor people.

260
00:15:52,250 --> 00:15:55,500
Which reminds me,
you poor wealthy orphans,

261
00:15:55,583 --> 00:15:57,750
go far away, please.

262
00:15:57,833 --> 00:16:00,875
Esmé and I have to talk big fat business.

263
00:16:00,958 --> 00:16:02,416
Yes! Yes, yes, yes!

264
00:16:02,500 --> 00:16:06,041
Jerome, I need you to put
the children into pinstripe suits

265
00:16:06,125 --> 00:16:08,666
before anyone sees them in those clothes
and my life is ruined.

266
00:16:08,750 --> 00:16:09,750
Ah.

267
00:16:11,750 --> 00:16:13,625
Come this way. Okay.

268
00:16:13,708 --> 00:16:16,750
Ah, now, the Duchess of Winnipeg
once stayed in this very room.

269
00:16:16,833 --> 00:16:18,625
- No, this one.
- How many rooms are there?

270
00:16:18,708 --> 00:16:22,083
Seventy-one, I think.
I don't know what's in half of them.

271
00:16:22,166 --> 00:16:24,416
The other day I found a kitchen
I'd never seen before,

272
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:26,333
and the omelet was really good.

273
00:16:27,416 --> 00:16:30,083
So the penthouse
has lots of places to hide.

274
00:16:30,166 --> 00:16:31,875
Oh, I love hide and seek!

275
00:16:31,958 --> 00:16:34,708
But it's so big, I thought
you'd like to bunk together tonight.

276
00:16:34,791 --> 00:16:37,458
Children could get lost
in this penthouse for ages.

277
00:16:38,416 --> 00:16:40,125
Here's your pinstripe suits.

278
00:16:41,333 --> 00:16:44,166
I'm going to make
another round of martinis

279
00:16:44,250 --> 00:16:45,916
while you three change.

280
00:16:47,458 --> 00:16:48,708
I am so glad you're here.

281
00:16:51,750 --> 00:16:53,458
I can't believe Olaf found us so quickly.

282
00:16:53,541 --> 00:16:55,041
That means the Quagmires are close.

283
00:16:55,125 --> 00:16:58,708
He said they were in arm's reach,
because the manhunt forestalled him.

284
00:17:05,125 --> 00:17:06,875
What if he's hiding them
in this apartment?

285
00:17:06,958 --> 00:17:08,875
Jerome said he doesn't know
what's in every room.

286
00:17:08,958 --> 00:17:11,125
And that children could stay lost
for ages.

287
00:17:11,208 --> 00:17:14,166
Esmé invited Gunther here.
Do you think they're working together?

288
00:17:14,250 --> 00:17:17,458
Esmé's already rich.
She doesn't need our fortune.

289
00:17:18,333 --> 00:17:21,583
Yeah, but she seems to be falling
for Count Olaf.

290
00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:23,958
He could marry her
and become our guardian.

291
00:17:24,041 --> 00:17:25,958
If something happens to Jerome.
292
00:17:27,583 --> 00:17:30,958
Would pretty lady Esmé und husband
like to see party trick?

293
00:17:31,041 --> 00:17:33,416
- Yes.
- Come, come, stand right here.

294
00:17:51,625 --> 00:17:52,458
No.

295
00:17:59,541 --> 00:18:02,958
This sofa belonged to the King of Arizona.
You don't recline on it!

296
00:18:03,041 --> 00:18:06,250
- Sorry, darling.
- But Gunther and the chandelier.

297
00:18:06,333 --> 00:18:09,708
Gunther was just showing us cane tricks
that earned him a bronze medal

298
00:18:09,791 --> 00:18:13,250
for his country's non-trademark-violating
version of the Olympics. Right?

299
00:18:13,333 --> 00:18:15,625
In my country, children do not interrupt

300
00:18:15,708 --> 00:18:18,541
married couple
and foreign man turning tricks.

301
00:18:18,625 --> 00:18:19,833
Let's forgive them this once,

302
00:18:19,916 --> 00:18:22,416
seeing as they've finally put on
some in suits.

303
00:18:22,500 --> 00:18:25,291
Where is the other one, please?

304
00:18:26,166 --> 00:18:27,583
My sister's exploring.
305
00:18:28,125 --> 00:18:31,083
She said she wants to see
every inch of this penthouse.

306
00:18:33,083 --> 00:18:36,791
I hope she's careful.
Without a system, a person could get lost.

307
00:18:36,875 --> 00:18:38,666
My sister's very resourceful.

308
00:18:55,000 --> 00:18:56,958
I'd like to see
the rest of the apartment...

309
00:18:57,041 --> 00:19:01,583
No, no, please. I do not approve
of small child browsing penthouse.

310
00:19:01,666 --> 00:19:02,833
It shouldn't take long.

311
00:19:02,916 --> 00:19:06,000
This penthouse has,
I'm guessing, two to three rooms?

312
00:19:06,875 --> 00:19:10,000
Two or three rooms?
Two or three rooms?

313
00:19:10,083 --> 00:19:11,666
Step this way, orphan boy,

314
00:19:11,750 --> 00:19:14,958
and prepare to be so dazzled
your eyes will turn black.

315
00:19:19,000 --> 00:19:21,041
I know
what your sister is up to.

316
00:19:21,125 --> 00:19:22,958
We know what you're up to.
You won't get away with it.

317
00:19:23,041 --> 00:19:25,458
Really? Have you seen my press clippings?

318
00:19:25,541 --> 00:19:29,958
I could get away with murder... again.

319
00:19:34,375 --> 00:19:36,208
This is the formal dining room.

320
00:19:36,291 --> 00:19:38,708
- I love these vases, don't you?
- Mmm...

321
00:19:38,791 --> 00:19:41,708
Sturdy enough to cause
a fatal concussion, no?

322
00:19:42,666 --> 00:19:44,625
This is the semiformal dining room.

323
00:19:44,708 --> 00:19:46,083
These vases are cute, too.

324
00:19:46,166 --> 00:19:49,000
Yeah, but still heavy enough
for a good whacking.

325
00:19:50,000 --> 00:19:51,666
The informal dining room.

326
00:19:51,750 --> 00:19:56,375
Tiny vase can shatter
into a million pieces and hit your eye.

327
00:20:26,166 --> 00:20:27,750
This is the games room.

328
00:20:46,666 --> 00:20:47,791
Bowling alley.

329
00:21:00,625 --> 00:21:02,000
My powder room.

330
00:21:02,083 --> 00:21:04,416
- I'm not allowed in here.
- That's right.
331
00:21:53,041 --> 00:21:54,666
Now, in this wing,

332
00:21:54,750 --> 00:22:00,125
I have a number of rooms where I display
my most expensive, most in objects.

333
00:22:01,416 --> 00:22:05,000
This is an enormous basket of rutabagas,
the innest root vegetable.

334
00:22:05,083 --> 00:22:08,583
This is a collection
of extremely long rubber bands.

335
00:22:08,666 --> 00:22:12,083
And this is Spain's largest handkerchief.

336
00:22:12,166 --> 00:22:15,875
This looks large enough for,
how do you say, suffocating rich person.

337
00:22:16,958 --> 00:22:20,708
- What was that?
- I said...

338
00:22:21,875 --> 00:22:23,958
- Oh, bless you.
- Thank you, pretty lady.

339
00:22:24,041 --> 00:22:26,083
I'm allergic to something in this room

340
00:22:26,166 --> 00:22:28,666
that is not large handkerchief
or you two adult people.

341
00:22:28,750 --> 00:22:29,958
The orphans, perhaps?

342
00:22:30,041 --> 00:22:32,416
They're orphans? Qué pasa?

343
00:22:32,500 --> 00:22:34,208
Yes, I'm allergic to orphans.
344
00:22:34,291 --> 00:22:37,833
- Is it their dust?
- Yes, yes, or their ashes.

345
00:22:37,916 --> 00:22:42,083
This clogs up my whole...
What is the word for it?

346
00:22:42,166 --> 00:22:44,166
- Glands?
- Life.

347
00:22:48,375 --> 00:22:50,166
Ah! We found Violet.

348
00:22:50,250 --> 00:22:52,416
- How was the tour?
- It was thorough.

349
00:22:52,500 --> 00:22:53,791
And?

350
00:22:53,875 --> 00:22:55,125
We're back where we started.

351
00:22:55,208 --> 00:22:57,708
Don't be silly.
We started in the dining room.

352
00:22:57,791 --> 00:23:02,208
Speaking of dining,
I am so hungry, I could chew off your arm.

353
00:23:03,125 --> 00:23:05,208
The innest restaurant
is half a block away.

354
00:23:05,291 --> 00:23:07,291
We'll take the block-long limousine
to get there.

355
00:23:07,375 --> 00:23:10,375
Think of the publicity.
We could get our picture in the paper.

356
00:23:10,458 --> 00:23:12,208
- Let's take one now.
- Yes!

357
00:23:12,291 --> 00:23:16,083
- I'm not sure the Baudelaires would...
- Jerome, camera. Kids, come on.

358
00:23:16,166 --> 00:23:19,291
Oh, no, no, pretty lady, please.
Just a money shot.

359
00:23:19,375 --> 00:23:22,041
Orphans in the photo
will generate excitement,

360
00:23:22,125 --> 00:23:25,458
like celebrities or sled dogs.
Come on. Come on. Come on.

361
00:23:25,541 --> 00:23:27,958
Lovely. There we go.

362
00:23:28,041 --> 00:23:30,958
Get the pinstripes in, Jerome.
There we go.

363
00:23:34,083 --> 00:23:35,416
Say cheese!

364
00:23:35,500 --> 00:23:36,791
Gorgonzola!

365
00:23:37,875 --> 00:23:40,791
"The Baudelaire orphans
are this season's fashionable accessories

366
00:23:40,875 --> 00:23:42,583
for the city's sixth most important
financial adviser,

367
00:23:42,666 --> 00:23:44,458
Esmé Gigi Geniveve Squalor, center,

368
00:23:44,541 --> 00:23:47,000
who is organizing the In Auction
with Gunther, far left,
369
00:23:47,083 --> 00:23:49,000
and her husband Jerome, not pictured."

370
00:23:49,083 --> 00:23:52,208
Do you have any idea
how many orphaned students from Prufrock

371
00:23:52,291 --> 00:23:54,458
are ending up
in the hands of dreadful people?

372
00:23:55,291 --> 00:23:58,583
- Surely you're not afraid of foreigners.
- What? Of course not.

373
00:23:58,666 --> 00:24:01,208
I am talking about the parade of tsuris
that has plagued

374
00:24:01,291 --> 00:24:03,541
the Baudelaires, the Quagmires,
and who knows what other orphans,

375
00:24:03,625 --> 00:24:06,416
whose affairs you are supposed to be
vice president of.

376
00:24:06,500 --> 00:24:07,750
"Tsuris" means "trouble" in Yiddish.

377
00:24:07,833 --> 00:24:09,666
I know what "tsuris" means.

378
00:24:09,750 --> 00:24:13,583
I have taken an unpaid sabbatical
from my job as a school librarian

379
00:24:13,666 --> 00:24:15,833
to come to the city and investigate.

380
00:24:15,916 --> 00:24:19,666
Frankly, the more I read,
the more confused and upset I become.

381
00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:21,875
The same thing happens when I read.

382
00:24:21,958 --> 00:24:24,041
It's why my wife and I prefer
to curl up on the sofa

383
00:24:24,125 --> 00:24:26,291
and watch a few episodes
of streaming television.

384
00:24:26,375 --> 00:24:30,333
I have discovered startling facts
and developed disturbing theories.

385
00:24:30,416 --> 00:24:32,041
If you have a few minutes...

386
00:24:32,125 --> 00:24:33,375
I'm afraid I don't.

387
00:24:33,458 --> 00:24:35,541
If you've ever had to postpone
a helicopter ride,

388
00:24:35,625 --> 00:24:37,250
you'd know how grumpy the pilots get.

389
00:24:37,333 --> 00:24:39,666
I don't care about grumpy pilots.

390
00:24:39,750 --> 00:24:42,875
The Quagmires must be found,
and Olaf must be brought to justice.

391
00:24:42,958 --> 00:24:45,833
Mr. Poe, please.
I haven't anywhere else to turn.

392
00:24:45,916 --> 00:24:50,500
That's nice. Jacquelyn, could you bring
the helicopter safety harness?

393
00:24:51,250 --> 00:24:52,250
Please?

394
00:25:03,708 --> 00:25:06,291
In a world too often governed
by corruption and arrogance,

395
00:25:06,375 --> 00:25:09,458
it can be difficult to stay true
to one's principles.

396
00:25:09,541 --> 00:25:10,500
What did you say?

397
00:25:10,583 --> 00:25:12,750
In a world too often governed
by corruption and arrogance...

398
00:25:12,833 --> 00:25:15,666
It can be difficult to stay true
to one's principles.

399
00:25:15,750 --> 00:25:19,125
- I've heard that a lot recently.
- There's cause to say it.

400
00:25:19,208 --> 00:25:20,708
- Let me call you a taxi.
- Oh...

401
00:25:20,791 --> 00:25:23,375
No, I can't afford a taxi
on an unpaid sabbatical.

402
00:25:23,458 --> 00:25:27,875
I should take the trolley back to Prufrock
and beg for my job back.

403
00:25:29,416 --> 00:25:30,583
The trolley!

404
00:25:32,375 --> 00:25:34,291
- Jacques Snicket?
- Jacquelyn Scieszka.

405
00:25:34,375 --> 00:25:36,250
- I need to arrange a pickup.
- What sort?

406
00:25:36,333 --> 00:25:39,083
There's a person armed with curiosity
and well-defined morals

407
00:25:39,166 --> 00:25:40,500
indicated by a concern for children

408
00:25:40,583 --> 00:25:43,625
who could be of benefit to the world
were she pointed in the direction

409
00:25:43,708 --> 00:25:46,541
of its most sinister secrets
instead of taking the trolley.

410
00:25:46,625 --> 00:25:48,500
Got it. Where can I find her?
What does she look like?

411
00:25:48,583 --> 00:25:51,333
Trolley stop, northwest kitty corner
from Mulctuary Money Management.

412
00:25:51,416 --> 00:25:52,750
Bright-eyed woman with a copy of

413
00:25:52,833 --> 00:25:55,250
The Incomplete History
of Secret Organizations.

414
00:25:55,333 --> 00:25:58,791
Jacquelyn, I'm having some tsuris
with my three-hole punch!

415
00:26:02,875 --> 00:26:03,750
Jacquelyn.

416
00:26:04,750 --> 00:26:08,500
All aboard for the suburbs
and other less-exciting destinations.

417
00:26:08,583 --> 00:26:09,833
All aboard!

418
00:26:12,375 --> 00:26:14,583
Not all aboard yet! Wait!

419
00:26:14,666 --> 00:26:17,458
If you could just wait. Please.

420
00:26:19,625 --> 00:26:20,833
You almost hit me!

421
00:26:21,625 --> 00:26:23,708
A thousand pardons.
I didn't mean to scare you.

422
00:26:23,791 --> 00:26:24,791
I'll never forgive myself.

423
00:26:24,875 --> 00:26:26,708
- Never?
- Not for a long time.

424
00:26:26,791 --> 00:26:29,083
- You leaving town?
- I interviewed an ice cream vendor,

425
00:26:29,166 --> 00:26:31,625
saw 20 minutes of a confusing movie
about zombies,

426
00:26:31,708 --> 00:26:33,166
and ran into a dead end at a bank.

427
00:26:33,250 --> 00:26:35,541
I don't know where I can go
except home... in defeat.

428
00:26:35,625 --> 00:26:38,083
Maybe this story's not over. Need a ride?

429
00:26:38,166 --> 00:26:42,708
It's my first day in the city,
but it's not my first day in the city.

430
00:26:42,791 --> 00:26:45,416
You can't expect me to hop into the car
of a total stranger.

431
00:26:45,500 --> 00:26:46,708
That is how taxis work.

432
00:26:46,791 --> 00:26:48,541
It's troubling to think about orphans

433
00:26:48,625 --> 00:26:53,208
who lost their home and parents in a fire
only to be kidnapped from Prufrock.

434
00:26:56,958 --> 00:26:59,000
How did you know I was searching...

435
00:26:59,083 --> 00:27:02,000
The taxi is just a day gig.
I'm also a member of an organization.

436
00:27:02,083 --> 00:27:03,458
A secret organization?

437
00:27:03,541 --> 00:27:05,250
If you know about it,
maybe it's not a secret.

438
00:27:07,541 --> 00:27:09,750
- I have been reading.
- That's usually the first step.

439
00:27:11,333 --> 00:27:13,708
- You're a volunteer.
- Jacques Snicket.

440
00:27:15,541 --> 00:27:17,416
Olivia. Olivia Caliban.

441
00:27:17,500 --> 00:27:19,250
Lean closer, Olivia Caliban.

442
00:27:29,166 --> 00:27:30,166
See better now?

443
00:27:31,208 --> 00:27:33,000
Depends on what you show me.

444
00:27:51,250 --> 00:27:54,625
Oh, dear. They're cutting down
all the trees on our street.

445
00:27:54,708 --> 00:27:58,458
Of course they're cutting them down.
Dark is out, light is in.

446
00:28:08,750 --> 00:28:10,875
Have a wonderful lunch, Mrs. Squalor.

447
00:28:10,958 --> 00:28:13,333
There's still a manhunt to catch Olaf.

448
00:28:13,416 --> 00:28:16,500
So sorry, please,
to keep you waiting, please!

449
00:28:16,583 --> 00:28:19,083
I was not on phone call
in phone call room.

450
00:28:23,375 --> 00:28:25,958
Ugh. It is so drafty in here.

451
00:28:32,416 --> 00:28:35,208
Oh! What the...

452
00:28:35,291 --> 00:28:37,791
Some help, please?
A little help?

453
00:28:37,875 --> 00:28:41,250
- Easy.
- Okay. I'm through.

454
00:28:41,333 --> 00:28:44,583
- Limousine, good afternoon.
- My name's actually Abraham.

455
00:28:46,125 --> 00:28:47,750
Our sources are correct.

456
00:28:47,833 --> 00:28:50,916
Only Olaf would feel the need
to hide under a cape.

457
00:28:54,375 --> 00:28:57,166
Jacquelyn, it's as we suspected.

458
00:28:57,250 --> 00:29:00,375
Count Olaf is hiding the Quagmires
at 667 Dark Avenue

459
00:29:00,458 --> 00:29:02,041
until the manhunt is over.

460
00:29:02,125 --> 00:29:03,958
He and the Squalors are going to lunch.

461
00:29:04,041 --> 00:29:05,958
We'll take it from here
if you take it from there.

462
00:29:06,583 --> 00:29:09,250
Who's "we"? The new recruit, that's who.

463
00:29:10,583 --> 00:29:12,833
Good. We need all the help we can get.

464
00:29:13,500 --> 00:29:16,416
My wife is here
to drive me to the helicopter pad.

465
00:29:16,500 --> 00:29:18,708
But, Mr. Poe, it's Secretary's Day.

466
00:29:19,416 --> 00:29:22,458
Are you saying I shouldn't fly
in a deathtrap

467
00:29:22,541 --> 00:29:25,708
but instead take you out to lunch
on solid ground?

468
00:29:25,791 --> 00:29:28,250
- I can be ready in five minutes.
- Me, too.

469
00:29:31,750 --> 00:29:36,291
Tell me, where do the city's most powerful
financial advisers lunch?

470
00:29:36,375 --> 00:29:40,500
Let's go someplace spiffy and schmancy.
Someplace in.

471
00:29:45,083 --> 00:29:48,000
Limousine, corner of Dark and Stormy.
Step on it.

472
00:29:48,083 --> 00:29:51,166
- I love that new coat.
- Yes, isn't it in?

473
00:29:51,250 --> 00:29:54,291
Imprisoned nuns made it from the feathers
of a rare species of bat.

474
00:29:54,375 --> 00:29:55,875
Bats don't have feathers.

475
00:29:55,958 --> 00:29:58,625
- Not this species.
- Not anymore.

476
00:30:22,541 --> 00:30:24,250
Other door! Other door!

477
00:30:29,958 --> 00:30:31,500
Here we are, Mrs. Squalor.

478
00:30:31,583 --> 00:30:34,333
- Thank you, Limousine.
- My name's actually...

479
00:30:34,416 --> 00:30:37,833
- You searched the entire penthouse?
- I'm sure. I had a system to keep track.

480
00:30:37,916 --> 00:30:41,458
- If the Quagmires are in arm's reach...
- They must be in the building.

481
00:30:46,166 --> 00:30:48,291
Welcome to Herring Houdini.

482
00:30:48,375 --> 00:30:51,333
Welcome to Herring Houdini,
a legitimate business.

483
00:30:51,416 --> 00:30:53,791
With no secret agenda behind it.

484
00:30:53,875 --> 00:30:56,375
Welcome to Herring Houdini,
home of pickled fish.

485
00:30:56,458 --> 00:30:58,833
- Everything has been prepared for you.
- And very quickly.

486
00:30:58,916 --> 00:31:01,000
But not because we got a call
five minutes ago.

487
00:31:01,083 --> 00:31:03,416
For the children,
we offer a tour of the kitchen.

488
00:31:03,500 --> 00:31:05,958
Where they will probably not be thrown
into a burlap sack.

489
00:31:06,041 --> 00:31:08,458
- And for the adults...
- Vodka martinis.

490
00:31:08,541 --> 00:31:11,916
Which don't have
any sleeping potion in them at all.

491
00:31:13,791 --> 00:31:15,541
We can't eat here.

492
00:31:15,625 --> 00:31:17,208
This sounds perfect, yes.

493
00:31:18,125 --> 00:31:20,833
I don't like to argue.
I'll let my wife decide.

494
00:31:21,333 --> 00:31:22,333
Vodka martini?

495
00:31:23,958 --> 00:31:25,666
Are we living in garbage?

496
00:31:32,666 --> 00:31:34,708
Isn't this a fine kettle of fish?
497
00:31:36,250 --> 00:31:39,750
Limousine, take us to a restaurant
that is actually in.

498
00:31:53,500 --> 00:31:54,708
There.

499
00:31:56,666 --> 00:32:00,250
Pretty lady, why don't you eat here
with your boring husband?

500
00:32:00,333 --> 00:32:03,000
I'll take the children
to the herring restaurant for kidnapping.

501
00:32:03,083 --> 00:32:06,250
- I mean hors d'oeuvres.
- We're not driving back there.

502
00:32:06,333 --> 00:32:10,541
- It is, please, important.
- You're either in or you're out.

503
00:32:10,625 --> 00:32:12,458
Besides, look at this place.

504
00:32:12,541 --> 00:32:16,125
Daily Punctilio says it's the innest thing
since that bakery on 9th Street.

505
00:32:16,208 --> 00:32:17,666
Sliced Bread.

506
00:32:17,750 --> 00:32:21,625
- Café Salmonella?
- You're going to love the theme.

507
00:32:21,708 --> 00:32:22,875
Mmm!

508
00:32:30,041 --> 00:32:31,500
Hello. I'm Larry, your waiter.

509
00:32:31,583 --> 00:32:34,750
Welcome to Café Salmonella,
the innest restaurant,
510
00:32:34,833 --> 00:32:37,541
and the only one serving
an all-salmon menu,

511
00:32:37,625 --> 00:32:39,833
including beverages and table linens.

512
00:32:42,666 --> 00:32:44,250
It's that waiter. He's everywhere we go.

513
00:32:44,333 --> 00:32:45,958
He's always trying to help.

514
00:32:47,750 --> 00:32:51,041
Larry. I, uh...

515
00:32:51,750 --> 00:32:53,750
I am feeling queasy, please.

516
00:32:53,833 --> 00:32:56,500
I need to run back
to pretty lady's apartment

517
00:32:56,583 --> 00:32:59,041
- where there is nothing hidden.
- Nonsense.

518
00:32:59,125 --> 00:33:02,083
We've had the menu translated
for our foreign guests.

519
00:33:02,166 --> 00:33:04,958
What language did you have it
translated into?

520
00:33:05,041 --> 00:33:06,291
The one you speak most fluently.

521
00:33:06,375 --> 00:33:09,625
Well, well, I speak all of them
hella fluently, so...

522
00:33:09,708 --> 00:33:13,208
- Then there's nothing to worry about.
- I... Ow.
523
00:33:15,416 --> 00:33:16,583
How did you...

524
00:33:20,416 --> 00:33:23,333
May I start you off with still
or sparkling salmon-flavored water?

525
00:33:24,208 --> 00:33:26,666
Salmon-flavored?

526
00:33:26,750 --> 00:33:29,833
You are making my mouth water
and turn pink.

527
00:33:29,916 --> 00:33:32,000
How do you make it salmon-flavored?

528
00:33:32,083 --> 00:33:33,291
We put salmon in it.

529
00:33:33,375 --> 00:33:35,500
- I'll have regular water.
- So would we.

530
00:33:35,583 --> 00:33:39,375
Nonsense! What if someone sees you?
Regular water isn't in.

531
00:33:39,458 --> 00:33:42,291
It's the primary ingredient
in aqueous martinis.

532
00:33:42,375 --> 00:33:44,625
The young people might enjoy playing along

533
00:33:44,708 --> 00:33:49,250
with the theme of Café Salmonella
and its virulently fishy decor.

534
00:33:53,875 --> 00:33:57,291
We just wish our friends could be here
enjoying it with us.

535
00:33:57,375 --> 00:33:58,708
That's understandable.
536
00:33:58,791 --> 00:34:01,791
It's quite a quagmire
to be stuck in a fashionable apartment

537
00:34:01,875 --> 00:34:05,875
while others are enjoying
the escape of a glamorous meal.

538
00:34:05,958 --> 00:34:07,583
Can you be more specific?

539
00:34:07,666 --> 00:34:09,416
Sit tight for a long lunch,

540
00:34:09,500 --> 00:34:13,416
and everything will be taken care of
by your loyal wait staff.

541
00:34:14,500 --> 00:34:16,541
I suggest a 46-course tasting menu

542
00:34:16,625 --> 00:34:19,791
designed for persons
living in a 46-story building.

543
00:34:19,875 --> 00:34:24,791
It is a nice, slow, leisurely meal

544
00:34:24,875 --> 00:34:29,583
that keeps people in their seats until
everyone has been successfully rescued.

545
00:34:32,541 --> 00:34:35,333
My brother once said suspicious activity
is like good jazz.

546
00:34:35,416 --> 00:34:37,500
We'll know it when we hear it.

547
00:34:37,583 --> 00:34:40,791
We have agents making sure Olaf's lunch
will take as long as possible,

548
00:34:40,875 --> 00:34:43,250
giving us time to search the building.
549
00:34:43,333 --> 00:34:44,875
All 46 stories.

550
00:34:55,333 --> 00:34:58,958
Even if we get past the doorperson,
46 stories is a lot of ground to cover,

551
00:34:59,041 --> 00:35:00,125
and a lot of stairs.

552
00:35:00,208 --> 00:35:03,375
- Who said we'll take the stairs?
- How long do we have?

553
00:35:03,458 --> 00:35:06,000
As long as it takes rich people
to eat lunch.

554
00:35:07,708 --> 00:35:09,416
"Rich People Have Lunch."

555
00:35:09,500 --> 00:35:12,583
Wait until the readers
of the Daily Punctilio see this.

556
00:35:12,666 --> 00:35:15,708
Esmé Squalor dining at Café Salmonella

557
00:35:15,791 --> 00:35:18,458
with three orphans
and a handsome foreign man.

558
00:35:18,541 --> 00:35:20,666
- And her husband.
- Not pictured.

559
00:35:21,166 --> 00:35:22,500
Je m'appelle...

560
00:35:22,583 --> 00:35:25,000
Ooh! Continental.

561
00:35:25,083 --> 00:35:29,125
Baudelaires, so happy to see you,
and in such stylish circumstances.
562
00:35:30,166 --> 00:35:32,875
An unemployed librarian
came into my office

563
00:35:32,958 --> 00:35:35,416
who had her doubts
about you living in high society.

564
00:35:35,500 --> 00:35:37,458
Now that I see you eating
in a stylish restaurant,

565
00:35:37,541 --> 00:35:39,750
I know you'll be properly cared for

566
00:35:39,833 --> 00:35:42,791
by the city's seventh most powerful
financial adviser.

567
00:35:42,875 --> 00:35:44,041
Sixth!

568
00:35:44,125 --> 00:35:48,833
- Sixth! Sixth most...
- Sixth. Sixth.

569
00:35:48,916 --> 00:35:51,500
Mr. Poe, it's important we speak with you.

570
00:35:51,583 --> 00:35:54,875
It's important I speak
with the lady with flashy camera.

571
00:35:54,958 --> 00:35:59,166
It's true that you're deciding
which restaurant is in und which is out?

572
00:35:59,250 --> 00:36:02,166
The Daily Punctilio
has an impeccable reputation.

573
00:36:02,250 --> 00:36:06,000
We predicted the outcome
of two of the last nine elections.

574
00:36:06,083 --> 00:36:09,625
Would you like a hot tip
on the next restaurant to be in?

575
00:36:09,708 --> 00:36:13,208
- From a handsome foreign man? Do tell!
- Right this way.

576
00:36:22,916 --> 00:36:25,041
If you're here,
who's looking for the Quagmires?

577
00:36:26,541 --> 00:36:28,416
An excellent question, Klaus.

578
00:36:28,500 --> 00:36:31,375
You remember my administrative assistant,
Jacquelyn.

579
00:36:31,458 --> 00:36:33,583
- Of course.
- We've seen her in a movie.

580
00:36:33,666 --> 00:36:34,666
And a labyrinth.

581
00:36:35,833 --> 00:36:37,375
And in my office.

582
00:36:37,458 --> 00:36:40,583
She asked for a lunch
to celebrate Secretary's Day.

583
00:36:40,666 --> 00:36:42,916
I was in the mood
for some vigorously fancy dining.

584
00:36:43,000 --> 00:36:46,750
So we can all sit back and relax,

585
00:36:46,833 --> 00:36:49,250
because everything is going
according to plan.

586
00:36:52,125 --> 00:36:53,291
Plan?
587
00:36:53,958 --> 00:36:56,041
- Suction cups.
- Suction cups.

588
00:36:56,125 --> 00:36:57,041
Non-slippery shoes.

589
00:36:57,750 --> 00:36:58,875
Non-slippery shoes.

590
00:36:58,958 --> 00:37:00,250
Safety rope.

591
00:37:00,916 --> 00:37:03,833
- I have a question about the rope.
- It attaches to your waist.

592
00:37:03,916 --> 00:37:06,458
Then what does it attach to?
The building? The fire escape?

593
00:37:09,750 --> 00:37:10,750
Me.

594
00:37:10,833 --> 00:37:13,541
So, Jacques Snicket, we go down together.

595
00:37:13,625 --> 00:37:16,041
No, Olivia Caliban, we go up together.

596
00:37:24,541 --> 00:37:28,666
I'm back! Oh! Did I miss the entire lunch?

597
00:37:28,750 --> 00:37:30,666
You didn't even miss the first course,

598
00:37:30,750 --> 00:37:33,750
which is creamy salmon soup
with a hint of salmon

599
00:37:33,833 --> 00:37:36,041
and the eye of a salmon
hidden in the bottom.

600
00:37:38,208 --> 00:37:40,000
Keep your eyes peeled.

601
00:37:40,083 --> 00:37:42,916
I hope we find the Quagmires soon
and that these ropes are sturdy.

602
00:37:47,708 --> 00:37:50,500
The next course is salmon sabayon,

603
00:37:50,583 --> 00:37:54,041
which I'll pour very slowly
from this little pitcher

604
00:37:54,125 --> 00:37:56,375
that looks like a salmon throwing up.

605
00:38:20,750 --> 00:38:23,583
We're just gonna sorta dance
this around a little bit.

606
00:38:28,208 --> 00:38:30,666
Salmon bread
served with salmon butter

607
00:38:30,750 --> 00:38:33,416
distilled from the head
of a freshly caught salmon.

608
00:38:34,291 --> 00:38:36,458
What am I tasting here?

609
00:38:36,541 --> 00:38:37,708
Rutabaga.

610
00:38:46,333 --> 00:38:50,833
The life cycle of the salmon is not unlike
the life cycle of human beings,

611
00:38:50,916 --> 00:38:53,333
in that it begins in cozy circumstances,

612
00:38:53,416 --> 00:38:57,791
gets progressively colder,
and often ends in suffering and tragedy.

613
00:38:57,875 --> 00:39:00,791
Now this salmon here was burned alive.

614
00:39:05,250 --> 00:39:08,166
One of the most difficult aspects
of a salmon's life cycle

615
00:39:08,250 --> 00:39:11,750
is when they swim upstream to spawn,
a word which here means

616
00:39:11,833 --> 00:39:14,500
"spend quality time
with the salmon they love most."

617
00:39:14,583 --> 00:39:17,291
Swimming upstream
is a difficult thing to do,

618
00:39:17,375 --> 00:39:19,833
because you are swimming
against the current.

619
00:39:19,916 --> 00:39:23,750
The Baudelaires felt as if they were
swimming upstream at Café Salmonella,

620
00:39:23,833 --> 00:39:26,875
and not just because they were surrounded
by so much salmon.

621
00:39:26,958 --> 00:39:28,291
- Gravlax!
- Gravlax?

622
00:39:28,375 --> 00:39:29,500
- Salmon.
- Ah.

623
00:39:29,583 --> 00:39:31,875
They were swimming against the current

624
00:39:31,958 --> 00:39:35,958
of everyone believing Olaf was
a foreign man named Gunther.

625
00:39:36,041 --> 00:39:39,000
Gunther, your culture is so interesting.
626
00:39:39,083 --> 00:39:43,250
Not like other countries that make me
feel guilty and uncomfortable.

627
00:39:43,333 --> 00:39:46,208
Jerome, have you noticed
anything about Gunther?

628
00:39:46,916 --> 00:39:48,833
He has a bit of an accent.

629
00:39:48,916 --> 00:39:53,583
- Something more suspicious than an accent.
- Baudelaires, I'm surprised at you.

630
00:39:53,666 --> 00:39:55,333
Do you know what "xenophobia" means?

631
00:39:55,416 --> 00:39:59,500
Phobia means "the fear of,"
like podophobia means "the fear of feet."

632
00:39:59,583 --> 00:40:02,583
Yes, but xenophobia
is the fear of strangers

633
00:40:02,666 --> 00:40:07,125
because they come from different places
or happen to eat different foods...

634
00:40:07,208 --> 00:40:09,041
Salmon tail salad

635
00:40:09,125 --> 00:40:12,208
- with some salmon skin croutons.
- Lovely.

636
00:40:12,291 --> 00:40:13,750
- Ooh!
- Ooh.

637
00:40:13,833 --> 00:40:16,666
I never expected you children
to be xenophobic.

638
00:40:16,750 --> 00:40:18,833
Your parents weren't afraid of anything.

639
00:40:18,916 --> 00:40:22,458
You should've seen your mother
when she fought that eagle.

640
00:40:22,541 --> 00:40:24,333
She was a remarkable woman.

641
00:40:24,416 --> 00:40:26,708
I just wish that I'd listened to her more.

642
00:40:27,000 --> 00:40:28,250
Why did you lose touch?

643
00:40:28,333 --> 00:40:31,666
- There's many factors...
- Make way for an important reporter.

644
00:40:31,750 --> 00:40:35,833
I just phoned in a hot scoop
that will really elevate our readership.

645
00:40:36,583 --> 00:40:40,416
Elevate our... Elevate our...

646
00:40:40,500 --> 00:40:45,000
Elevator... Elevator...
Elevate our readership.

647
00:40:45,083 --> 00:40:46,208
What did you say?

648
00:40:46,291 --> 00:40:49,000
I said,
"Important reporter coming through."

649
00:40:49,958 --> 00:40:50,833
You're thinking.

650
00:40:50,916 --> 00:40:53,208
It could be nothing,
but it could be everything.

651
00:40:53,791 --> 00:40:56,291
Can we get back to 667 Dark Avenue?

652
00:40:56,375 --> 00:41:00,291
Not until you get through
the entire life cycle of the salmon.

653
00:41:00,375 --> 00:41:02,291
This is, how do I say,

654
00:41:02,375 --> 00:41:06,458
the end, il finito, el end de lunch
de salmono, please. Please!

655
00:41:06,541 --> 00:41:10,375
Please, sir. There are more floors,
I mean courses, to go.

656
00:41:10,458 --> 00:41:11,625
We can't leave now.

657
00:41:11,708 --> 00:41:14,833
Eating too much food for too much money
is the essence of civilization.

658
00:41:14,916 --> 00:41:16,666
Nothing would make me leave this place!

659
00:41:19,291 --> 00:41:23,125
Café Salmonella is out!
Herring Houdini is in!

660
00:41:26,000 --> 00:41:27,125
Finally!

661
00:41:27,208 --> 00:41:30,625
I'm putting the orphans in doggy bag
to take home.

662
00:41:30,708 --> 00:41:33,000
What are you talking about?
It's time to eat!

663
00:41:33,083 --> 00:41:35,875
- After a meal like that...
- Hurry, hurry, hurry.

664
00:41:35,958 --> 00:41:39,708
Before anyone else sees us eating in this
hole-in-the-wall! This place is so out!

665
00:41:39,791 --> 00:41:41,000
This is our chance.

666
00:41:41,875 --> 00:41:43,541
Jerome, that place is fishy.

667
00:41:43,625 --> 00:41:45,625
Don't eat or drink anything they give you.

668
00:41:45,708 --> 00:41:48,708
I never want to eat
or drink anything fishy again.

669
00:41:55,125 --> 00:41:57,916
- It's no use!
- We're swimming upstream!

670
00:42:04,791 --> 00:42:06,208
Where...

671
00:42:18,958 --> 00:42:22,416
Donner, party of five? Donner?

672
00:42:22,500 --> 00:42:25,250
You did it again, Eleanora.
Look at this crowd.

673
00:42:25,333 --> 00:42:27,958
Every journalist knows
when a foreign man gives you a tip,

674
00:42:28,041 --> 00:42:29,833
you should believe him without question.

675
00:42:29,916 --> 00:42:33,500
- Right this way, rich people!
- Oh!

676
00:42:33,583 --> 00:42:36,208
You're certain there's no herring in this?

677
00:42:36,291 --> 00:42:38,083
- I promise.
- Oh, thank God.

678
00:42:41,500 --> 00:42:43,416
This isn't working.
You need to shut this place down.

679
00:42:43,500 --> 00:42:44,958
Are you kidding?
We're booked through February.

680
00:42:45,041 --> 00:42:47,458
Never mind that! Where are the orphans?

681
00:42:51,208 --> 00:42:52,208
Ow! God!

682
00:42:59,250 --> 00:43:01,666
We've searched 45 floors.
No sign of the Quagmires.

683
00:43:01,750 --> 00:43:03,500
Let's hope we get lucky in the penthouse.

684
00:43:10,583 --> 00:43:13,625
What Mrs. Poe said about elevators
got me thinking.

685
00:43:14,541 --> 00:43:17,708
On every other floor there is
one elevator, but here there's two.

686
00:43:17,791 --> 00:43:19,791
There has to be an explanation.

687
00:43:19,875 --> 00:43:22,541
Maybe it's where Count Olaf
hid the Quagmires.

688
00:43:39,458 --> 00:43:44,041
No platform, no console, no cables
or electromagnetic braking system.

689
00:43:44,125 --> 00:43:46,250
- There's no elevator at all.
- The elevator's ersatz.
690
00:43:47,875 --> 00:43:50,541
- It's just a long dark tunnel.
- A shaft.

691
00:43:52,250 --> 00:43:54,375
The Quagmires got kidnapped
while trying to help us.

692
00:43:54,458 --> 00:43:55,791
- It's our fault they're gone.
- It's not.

693
00:43:55,875 --> 00:43:58,625
- It is if we don't rescue them.
- We will.

694
00:44:15,333 --> 00:44:18,166
Mmm! Mmm-mmm-mmm.

695
00:44:20,708 --> 00:44:25,583
This food is so much better than all that
other delicious food at that other place.

696
00:44:27,250 --> 00:44:28,583
Excuse me.

697
00:44:29,666 --> 00:44:30,958
They disappeared.

698
00:44:31,041 --> 00:44:34,125
We've managed to lure everyone else
except for the orphans.

699
00:44:35,708 --> 00:44:37,458
We'll skip dessert, please.

700
00:44:37,541 --> 00:44:39,750
Yes. Yes, this food is so in,

701
00:44:39,833 --> 00:44:42,541
it's actually hard to be in my mouth.

702
00:44:43,333 --> 00:44:45,041
What do you think, Jerome?

703
00:44:45,125 --> 00:44:48,958
I'm sorry. I'm feeling so sleepy.
It must be something I drank.

704
00:44:49,041 --> 00:44:52,291
You can sleep it off on way home.
Hurry to penthouse

705
00:44:52,375 --> 00:44:54,833
to make sure nothing has been stolen
during the afternoon.

706
00:44:56,000 --> 00:44:57,666
You're not going anywhere...

707
00:45:00,125 --> 00:45:03,875
until you entertain us with a song.

708
00:45:05,250 --> 00:45:06,333
What?

709
00:45:06,416 --> 00:45:08,083
Didn't that man work at the other place?

710
00:45:08,166 --> 00:45:12,000
My sources have learned
you're quite the chanteuse.

711
00:45:12,083 --> 00:45:15,541
No, that's the lighting.
My skin is regular foreign color.

712
00:45:15,625 --> 00:45:17,125
He's being modest.

713
00:45:17,208 --> 00:45:19,791
Gunther's songbird skills have earned him

714
00:45:19,875 --> 00:45:23,625
more or less favorable reviews
in one small magazine.

715
00:45:23,708 --> 00:45:26,000
No, no.
You must be thinking of other foreign man.

716
00:45:26,083 --> 00:45:30,041
Why, you'd have to launch
a citywide manhunt

717
00:45:30,125 --> 00:45:32,500
to catch a singer this good.

718
00:45:32,750 --> 00:45:37,333
Won't you please grace the crowd
at this in restaurant with a little song?

719
00:45:37,416 --> 00:45:40,041
I know the readers of the Daily Punctilio

720
00:45:40,125 --> 00:45:44,458
would love to hear about a man from
a foreign country singing in a restaurant.

721
00:45:44,541 --> 00:45:46,666
Mmm, mmm, mmm! Publicity.

722
00:45:47,250 --> 00:45:50,041
Some music will help me
digest my fish heads.

723
00:45:51,333 --> 00:45:55,750
No! No! No! Absolutely... What's the word?
Never as long as I live.

724
00:45:55,833 --> 00:45:57,000
Pretty please?

725
00:45:58,041 --> 00:45:59,250
For Secretary's Day?

726
00:45:59,333 --> 00:46:02,083
For Secretary's Day!

727
00:46:02,166 --> 00:46:05,291
For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day!

728
00:46:05,375 --> 00:46:08,291
For Secretary's Day!
For Secretary's Day!

729
00:46:08,375 --> 00:46:10,333
For Secretary's Day!

730
00:46:10,416 --> 00:46:13,291
For Secretary's Day! For Secretary's Day!

731
00:46:13,375 --> 00:46:16,458
- For Secretary's Day!
- For Secretary's Day!

732
00:46:17,625 --> 00:46:20,333
If you insist.

733
00:46:31,000 --> 00:46:34,166
Mind the tempo on the bridge
and watch me for the key changes.

734
00:48:31,708 --> 00:48:33,833
Let's hear it for the band!

735
00:49:08,458 --> 00:49:09,291
Ow.

736
00:49:14,208 --> 00:49:15,291
You nervous?

737
00:49:15,916 --> 00:49:19,041
I'm anxious.
I'm not sure if I'm ready to do this.

738
00:49:19,833 --> 00:49:20,708
Me neither.

739
00:49:20,791 --> 00:49:23,583
If we wait until we're ready,
we'll wait the rest of our lives.

740
00:49:36,375 --> 00:49:37,958
- Duncan!
- Isadora!

740
00:49:38,305 --> 00:49:44,367
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