Northerners or the Unlikelyhood of a Certain Peril or Black Walnut

Furnaces within a living room are a common occurrence in the colder northern states, and so it is
particularly peculiar that in this peculiarly particular Texas house it was the attic that held the furnace,
perhaps to provide more space for the trophy mounts, which held no animals, and held no plaques in
anticipation of game.
Black Walnut was a hardwood which the family grew particularly fond of while staying in a
family friend’s home when their house was remodeled, this perhaps being why they asked the remodelers
to remove the Red Oak floors, finished and waxed, and replace them with Black Walnut, and perhaps, for
this, out of spite, these remodelers “mistakenly” put the furnace in the attic. This, of course, is absurd, as
the remodelers would have had to move the gas line in a peculiar direction so as to connect it to the
“mistaken” furnace in the attic.
The family had, reasonably according to their anxiety, stayed with their family friend months
after remodeling had finished, as they had grown wary of the attic held furnace as a hazard.
It was not.
They were never present during construction, loving surprises, and so to this effect they were
unaware of with which timber the house was constructed.
Preposterous.
Absolutely.
Preposterous.
Upon their reentry to the home as a semipermanent stead, they concluded a party must be held. A
housewarming party.
They had, as aforementioned, lived in this home for months prior to this party, and yet, still
refrained from informing even the family friend with who they stayed, “we [are excited to live in this new
home but must stay with you as our new home for which are ecstatic for and not worried to stay in] is not
done.”
Their invitations were on Birch borne paper, embossed by a machine housed in a brick-Pine
hybrid construction.
Their anxiety about friends’ judgement in case they were to discover their attic held furnace (“that
is a hazard,” “how peculiar to have a furnace in an attic,” “this is not the north and not even in the north
do they keep a furnace in such a silly place as the attic”) once again forced them from their stead.
“The remodeling was not done, we will be [seeking legal action against the remodelers.]
It was done.
They did not.
Preposterous.
Abs…
“But where did y’all stay after leaving?”
“A hotel.”
“For two months?”
“Why not?”
“Wasn’t that expensive?”
“Not at all!”
“But y’all just remodelled?”
 “We won the lottery?”
“Sorry?”
“[Please shut your mouth and end your questioning you sadistically intrepid oaf].”
This response of “we won the lottery” compounded the family’s anxiety, and so they returned
home the same night that they had left it.
This friend would not be invited.
Finally, the invitations were sent out.
However, they managed to have them embossed on Black Walnut borne paper.
How quaint.
Jennifer, Bradley, Clarence, Harrison, Joanne, Margie, Derrick, Trenton, Roderick, Bethany,
Boris, Perry, Rich, Jeremy, Edward, Jobe, Juliette, Jennifer (whom they had forgotten her last name but
remembered simply her address and so addressed her upon the invitation as merely “Jen”), Griffith, Ellis,
Eliana, Eliza, Elizabeth, and last (but not least), NEVER, their DAMNED, family friend.
Maybe Quinten, who cares, they don’t.
But certainly not that slickly putrid filth assassin of a friend!

Filth Assassin.
That’s good…
…write that down.

… write it!

To arrive at the set time would be right out, as 7:30 is an unfashionable time, and the family knew
this, and knew they would not be ready by then, but as their anxiety slowed them more, they even began
to worry more that they in turn would be late, shamefully not being fashionable, as the host cannot be late,
as the host must be prepared. Exciting. Excitable.
9:00 o’clock, post meridiem.
The guests seemed to have expected food, drink, intoxicants, but they were mistaken. They were
mistaken as they found upon these platters, Teak, Dalbergia Nigra, Khaya Senegalensis, even Stinkingtoe
(if explaining must be done, these are of course the family’s favorite wood types).
“We hope you are all excited by our exotic woods, as they were costly, and rather… [arousing].”
The guests feigned curiosity, but previously had in mind a lascivious evening, as most
housewarming parties turn, and so took in to their own hands their plan.
“I have wine!”
“I too have wine!”
Bradley and Jennifer’s (Jen? Jennifer? Jen… Jennifer.) excited claims were piercing.
What audacious candor from an irreverent company.
“Well, if we must, I suppose the evening can only go up, so I say, open the bottles.”
With great haste the company set upon Bradley and…
Like vultures at a fermenting Vitaceae carcass.
 The steadily increasing rate at which the alcohol was consumed soon resulted in a mutual
intoxication among all present. As such, the sanctity of their locomotion and balance began to falter, and
so they began to mimic a London politician’s imperfectly choice diction.
Invertebrate.
Stumbling and admiration combined, and it was upon the discovery of an exposed wood panel
(left as the family required in the remodeling, their only knowledge of the wood which was used in this
home’s construction, this panel being a complimentary wood to that which the trophy mounts were
constructed of) that the guests, to the family’s delight, began to emphatically delight in its presence,
comparing it to a beautiful show of postmodernism, the Dada era, perhaps even a heightening of art past
renaissance oil paintings.
Emotion overtook these guests and as they leapt to embrace the family, so their balance failed,
causing a flight of bodies into this panel, one of a weak wood.
The remodelers included the cheapest wood they could find.
Never cross a spiteful remodeler.
… and so began this dreadful nocturnal phenomena, the gas line being held behind the decrepit
gesture of insult that only a remodeler with a perfect carpentry background could fashion.
The force of twenty three (twenty four? Perhaps Quinten was indeed present. Perhaps his body
was just especially dry. F____ble) quickly bent the pipe, leading to the furnace within the attic, gracefully
detaching a centimeter of the pipe from its previously [​Stead! Stead! A Stead!]​ fast fastening.
The tiniest of the family sat in the attic, close to the furnace, graciously, and quietly,
complimenting the genius positioning of this embarrassingly obsolete appliance, as they in mental
confidence reminisced on the shame this furnace caused the family, compelling them to praise, as a friar
to a God.
Their peculiar choice of incense was particularly similar to a cigarette, these being strictly
prohibited as they were a dry plant that was not used for edible consumption, and never timber.
So, the tiniest of the family hid in the attic to partake.
Jellies.
Their source of fire was held in a head of ​Antimony trisulfide and potassium chlorate​ ​hatched
upon an inch and a half long (the family would not go out to eat, as the wood which most affordable
restaurants were constructed was not favorable, and so the shorter variety of this ignition source was not
used) stick of straight grained White Pine, perhaps even Aspen.
The tiniest of family had weak wrists, and joints, and so the use of these ignition points were hard
to light, and over their compliments and concentration they did not notice the disconnection between the
pipe, and that hideous metal embarrassment, that had occurred right next to them, and so they continued
to try to ignite their taboos, again and again, again and again, again and again…
Again and… snap.
Again… snap.
Again…
And…
Sparks.
Glee!
A yelp!
 The fire spread upon the ceiling, clinging to the little amount of gas that had leaked, and thus, this
dreadful nocturnal phenomena sprung.
The tiniest of the family dispersed into the tight corners the plywood (how dismal and
thoughtless, what a disgusting overlooking of a chance for beauty), friars to their deity.
The tiniest of the tiniest of the family chanced the tiniest of the windows of the attic, and,
cracking and eventually shattering this peak, slithered out, and, rapidly fell.
Protoplasmic.
In the flight of this dismay, it ended as the tiniest of the tiniest of the family was caught by a
Heavens searching friendly face.
The smell began to leak to the family and their guests, and with their keen senses, the family
knew what beginnings were afoot.
Minutes.
“That’s… that’s fire!”
The family feigned a gasp.
“Well… perha… Dear God! Yes!”
“How has this happened?”
“What could possibly be the origin?”
Panic.
Sheer.
Panic.
Quickly, the family had to distract the guests.
They could NEVER. KNOW.
…
“Is that? Black Walnut?
Wide eyed, glee as ablaze as the tiniest corpses of the tiniest corpses of the family, the family
turned to Jen(iffer?).
“Why, it certainly does smell that way!”
How embarrassing that the family had forgotten Jen(iffer?)’s name, as they had clearly met at the
WAANSA₁ biannual meeting.
“I have been told that I have a keen pair of nostrils in reference to East North American flora…
and fauna as well!”
“You most certainly do!”
An interjection.
“It certainly is not Black Walnut!”
“What…”
“Did you just say?”
Another interjection.
“I agree, the smell is far more reminiscent of Red Oak.”
“Impossible, we had those hardwoods removed. Besides, Jen… her… her sense of smell has a
merit that clearly precedes her, even if it is to those are who are not present among us. I fully trust her
concurrence and you will not sway our judgement.”
“You are all imbeciles.”
These interjections had grown tiresome.
 As such, the attic had begun to wheeze more and more smoke into the family and company’s
space, carrying with it and even more intense scent.
Above, the fire blazed.
Above, the tiniest fires of the tiniest lives of the now tinier family began to extinguish.
Above, the family thought, that horrid furnace must be finally collapsing.
Good. Riddance. Too.
“There is a strong taste of Western Red Cedar in this gloom, and while the taste is surely a sign of
gloom entering my lungs, and I will certainly suffocate within the hour, if even that long, I will not stand
to hear your fallible chitter any longer!”
This gloom spoken of had finally begun to hinder the sight of the company, and even the family,
each member steadily growing more and more blind.
“Suffocate? On what? This is surely your imagination, and your powerful language has simply
persuaded me into some sort of saccharine synesthesia.”
“This is no such thing, I strongly have a hunch that there is a fire!”
“I have always wished to die in a house fire, but only if the main construction is of a sturdy Oak
and Douglas Fir support beams, the hardwoods of Black Walnut. My tiniest have surmised my views as
much, and they agreed. How gleeful I was to learn of their wish for a suffocating and fiery death!”
“Well you will be sorely disappointed as none of the woods listed are present!”
“How can you be so sure! Have I been…”
“Our deception of this family in an attempt to insinuate our lack of care for the beauty of wood
and timber and genuses of such was an attempt to avoid this sort of confrontation!”
There was no longer sight available in the space, and the crackling and glow of the dripping and
spreading fire illuminated only the company and the family’s ignorance and extreme prejudice towards
equally valuable species of tree and timber.
“This is a Canadian species surely!”
“Impossible!”
“I have the merits of my colleagues!”
“There are irrefutable hints of a Spruce of sort and your ignorance is offensive and baffling!”
“Red Oak!”
“Cherry!”
“It’s PINE!”
The shouting was a forced utilization, as the fire began to peel the walls and licked and sucked at
the outermost company, the family still surrounded by the company.
“IT’S MOST CERTAINLY THE SMELL OF A CONIFEROUS BORNE TIMBER!”
“PRE. POS. TER. OUS.”
“WHAT A HORRID SCENE YOU INSUFFERABLE BLOAT DWELLING SUBCREATURE!”
“PINE!”
“OAK!”
“DOUGLAS FIR!”

“I’M BEGINNING TO BOIL.”

The company turned to the voice, yet could not see, and, upon this lack of vision, all unanimously
concluded it was a simply a tactic of derision, returning to the task at hand.
 “MULBERRY IS BEING DISGUSTINGLY IGNORED AND THE SWEETNESS OF THIS
RUMINATING SCENT IS SURELY AN INDICATOR OF THIS GENUS!”
“THE FAINT SMELL OF COOKING MEAT, PERHAPS A BAKED HAM, IS A CERTAINTY
OF THE PRESENCE OF HICKORY!”
“YOU ARE ALL…”
“THIS IS JUS…”
“DISGRACEFUL HUMAN BEI…”
The screaming turned suddenly from that of flora uproar to pure. Intense. Pain.
A familiarly new smell wafted, that of smoltering meat, skin beginning to peel from both the
company and the family.
Capillaries began to explode and leak within minutes, the gentle blood softly hissing as it
evaporated upon its dovetailing with the surrounding flame. Screaming quickly stopped, as, as predicted,
the lungs of all present began to grey, then blacken, the saliva filled esophagus forming bubbles, floating
only to pop immediately as they connected with the splendid tongues of Hephaestus. A bulging of the
eyes as the pressure began to build within the cranial cavity yielded few disgorges, but nonetheless the
action was indeed present. The corneas unsheathed, exposing the internals of the eyeball. The pupils,
already dilated due to the gloom, quickly pricked by the blaze, began to widen again, the surrounding
tissue melting away with each lick of the flame. As the heat overcame several members of the company
present, their collapse upon the beautifully polished, now charred, Black Walnut hardwood floors resulted
in an immediate ripening of the pungence wafting through this infernal sauna, the skin finally leaving the
muscle tissue, sinews popping, the bone and joints, which previously held a fine sheen from the quickly
evaporating blood, becoming mere timber.
The marrow cooked from within their bones, occasionally leaking from the cracks that formed on
certain bones, perhaps from a weakness in their integrity due to a childhood fall, a car accident, or poor
caretaking of any skeletal injury.
The pain which surely transpired upon the original ignition of these would be corpses had
subsided shortly upon its beginning, as the heat drastically increased (wood with one of the greatest BTUs
would be Osage Orange, which, to common knowledge, is not used as timber for construction, but, for the
fire to elevant to such a BTU at such a high rate, indicates a timber of its likeness, if not even Osage
Orange specifically) to the point of a rapid charring of the nerves. In addition, the extreme pain faced by
the family and the company would overtake their brains’ ability to fathom this penultimate suffering, and
the melting and cooking of their nerves was preceded by such. Rather, the excruciation of their bodies’
hissing trauma was halted by the brain collapsing.
As these creatures finally all perished within a steadily increasingly brazen home construction,
one built with an exquisite choice of wood, the family’s artful craft of a stead, like their now mush of a
brain, collapsed.
Good God.
Finally.
The furnace was gone.

Did you get all of that?

 I’m proud of that.
I certainly hope you did.
I unbound your hands for that purpose.
Obviously I would have written it myself, but seeing as you landed upon my features and broke
my nose and occipital lobes, my vision is rather impaired.
Don’t look at me!
Look at the paper!
You… squandering-ly preposterous bulge of an orphan!
Write that too!
No.
Don’t.
I’ll come up with something better.

Where did you get that pen?

A wood handle.
Beautiful!
Absolutely exquisite!
How many times did I use that word?
No need to count now.
You and your family have punished me enough.
Not only outstaying your welcome at my home, you had the gall, the audacity, to not invite me to
your housewarming
Kkkkk
Nevermind
Ummm…
Party!
Simply because I dared ask where you stayed, how you afforded it, whether I caught you in a lie.
You thought I was unsure.
You thought I was unaware of your home’s completion.
Of course I knew.
Of course I caught you in a lie.
I HELPED BUILD THE DAMN HOUSE.
AND.
YOU.
ALL.
FORGOT.
I WOULD NEVER FORGET.
IN MY HAZE I PUT THE FURNACE IN A STRANGE PLACE.
ONE TOO EMBARRASSING TO FIX.
I IN ESSENCE CHARCOALED YOUR WHOLE…
YOU…
i’msorryreallywhatwoodisthatpen’shandlemadeofican’tstopstaring.

isitperhapsBlackWalnutgoodlordthatwouldbeecstasyinducingandihaveonlyseenthatgrainon…
on…

Coffins.