DUNGEONS AND DUMMIES

101 - "PILOT"
Written By
u/iAMDerggg
FADE IN ON:
INT. ELZIKAAR’S LAIR - ENTRY WAY - NIGHT
The large, stone doors leading into the lair. We hear
SCREAMING and CHAOS off-screen -- A struggle must be going
on.
Dust falls from the ceiling as the cavernous walls RUMBLE
over and over. More shouts are heard. And then... Silence.

Suddenly, JASPER, A knight with a longsword, trembles at the

feet of the great doors. Bloody and panting, it’s clear
whatever he’s fighting is winning.
Jasper hastily searches for a means to open the doors. He
pats his hands around -- it’s a bit hard to see...

His hand grazes a lever. That’s it! He pulls it.

The hallway SHAKES. More dust falls as the stone doors part.
Jasper kneels in front as they fully open.

JASPER
(looking back)
Quick! This way!
Jasper waves LILA, a female rogue, and TITO, a bald monk,
down the hallway.

Tito strides through the entrance. Jasper tries to get up,

but falls. Lila stops to help him up.
LILA
Come on, Jasper!
Lila throws Jasper’s arm over her shoulder. Together, they
hurry into...
INT. ELZIKAAR’S LAIR - CONTINUOUS

The large, cathedral-like lair.

LILA
Shut it!

Tito nods. He pulls the lever.

The lair VIBRATES as the doors close.
Lila lays Jasper up against a wall in the back. They
surround him.
 2.

JASPER
How’s it looking?
LILA
Trish, Stubb, and Lezikan are gone.

TITO
And Gour is buying us some time.
What’s the plan?
Jasper thinks for a beat.

JASPER
I got it. First, we’ll --
BOOM!

The doors EXPLODE. Rubble and dust fill the air. Jasper,
Lila, and Tito shield their faces.
A SHADOWY FIGURE stands at the entrance, surrounded by the
dust of the doors he just destroyed.

The dust clears, revealing a horned, manlike DEMON. An aura

surrounds its body -- the apparition of a deity’s face --
with menacing red eyes.
It steps forward, holding the head of GOUR, a barbarian. He
SPEAKS with a demonic, terrifying voice:

DEMON (O.S.)
(beat)
Wanna see something funny?
He levitates the head towards them, CHATTERING Gour’s teeth
as he does so.
The group watches on in horror as the head of their friend
PLOPS down in front of them.

LILA
Is this guy for real?!
JASPER
Well, so much for that...

Tito guards Lila as she tends to Jasper.

TITO
Don’t worry, I can use my ki to
diminish his--
 3.

Before he can finish speaking, Tito’s skull is SUCKED

through his mouth. His head flattens -- like gelatin. He
continues to speak, but it’s gibberish. Like he has a
really, really bad lisp.

He wobbles around. The Demon levitates him into the air. He

telepathically TEARS off each of Tito’s limbs.
Tito screams as his torso drops to the ground. He falls
forward. The Demon CRUNCHES down on his skull-less head.
Almost like he’s putting out a cigarette.

DEMON
Stupid monk...
Jasper leaps to his feet. He charges at the Demon.

JASPER
Tito, nooooo!
He draws his longsword.
JASPER (CONT’D)
(charging)
You will pay for killing my
friends!
The Demon rolls his eyes and sighs, even the apparition part
of him. He’s heard this spiel before...

Jasper swings his sword.

The Demon casually moves out the way. Jasper misses.
The Demon lifts his hand -- stopping Jasper dead in his
tracks. He lifts him up.
He SNAPS his fingers.
The bones in Jasper’s legs vanish, leavings his legs lanky
and useless. The Demon gestures his hands -- looks like he’s
tying some sort of knot.
Jasper’s legs whirl around into a knot. The Demon tosses him
aside.

Suddenly, Lila stabs a dagger into the Demon’s back.

DEMON
Ouch!
 4.

LILA
I’d rather die than let you hurt
him!
The Demon turns around to face her. He inches the dagger out
of his back -- he doesn’t even flinch. He smirks.
DEMON
Fine by me...
He levitates the dagger with his hand.

Suddenly, it ZIPS over to Lila. The dagger slices and dices

her in a matter of seconds. He elevates the chopped remains
and tosses them into a large pot near the edge of the room.
He covers the pot and SNAPS his fingers once again. A fire
lights up under the pot.
Jasper looks on in horror.
JASPER
(sobbing)
No! What have you done?! Lila, my
--
The Demon swings around.
DEMON
Oh, Jesus Christ, are you even
listening to yourself? You sound
ridiculous!
JASPER
You -- You turned my girlfriend
into a stew...
The Demon brings his palm to his face.
DEMON
(groaning)
Of course, of course she’s your
girlfriend! How utterly
predictable.
(mumbling)
And pathetic... And stupid...

Jasper remains propped up against the wall. His weeping

stops. He raises his head.
JASPER
You’ve seen it all before, haven’t
you...
 5.

The Demon steps closer and closer towards Jasper. He

devolves from his fierce, demonic form into a middle aged
man -- a handsome Warlock, at that. This is ELZIKAAR, the
villain that has never met his match.

JASPER (O.S.)
...Elzikaar?
Elzikaar’s voice sounds human now... And a little whiny.
ELZIKAAR
Of course I have, Jaaassppperrrr.
And I would’ve appreciated it if
you guys at least tried to
challenge me.
JASPER
What do you mean? We -- we became
so strong... We--
ELZIKAAR
Led yourselves into my own lair,
dipshit.
(pacing back and forth)
I mean... I can understand an epic
final showdown, but on my own home
field? Seriously, what a total let
down... Just like all the others.

JASPER
Mark my words, Elzikaar, one day
someone will --
ELZIKAAR
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus Fucking
Christ, do you know how unoriginal
you are?
Elzikaar approaches Jasper. He kneels down in front of him.

ELZIKAAR (CONT’D)
(mocking)
"Someday someone will come along
and defeat youuu!" What else?
You’ll curse me? Strike me down?
Beat me at my own game? Why is it
that you guys always say that when
you’re dying? It irks the shit out
of me. Why do you have to dump the
responsibility of defeating me onto
somebody else? Like, why can’t you
just do it your fucking selves for
once. Christ.
 6.

JASPER
I feel sorry for you...

ELZIKAAR
Enough of the cliches!
Elzikaar lifts his hand in the air. Lila’s dagger zooms into
his hand. He lifts Jasper up. They’re face to face.

ELZIKAAR (CONT’D)
You’re just like all the others!
You think you can defeat a god with
a couple of your bros and the power
of friendship or some dumb shit. I
let you run around in my world to
get as strong as you possibly can
and for what? To dick around and
end up being completely useless to
me? Well, guess what,
Jaaaasssppperrrr...

He pulls him closer.

ELZIKAAR (CONT’D)
You and your friends had your fun
in my world. But let me be clear...
The Book isn’t your dungeon
master... I am. Now...
He SHOVES the dagger into Jasper’s heart.
ELZIKAAR (CONT’D)
Get the fuck out of my story.
Elzikaar slides the dagger out. Jasper gives his last breath
as he dies. Elzikaar drops his corpse to the ground.
A troop of ASS-KNIGHTS, whose ass-faces are accompanied by
flashy, silver helmets, march into the lair. Elzikaar looks
to them.
ELZIKAAR (CONT’D)
Prepare the feast.

INT. ELZIKAAR’S LAIR - LATER

ELEGANT VIOLIN MUSIC plays as Elzikaar sits at the head of a
long dining table -- filled with the charred remains of the
party. Gour’s head on a platter, Lila’s Stew, and Jasper’s
corpse propped up like a pig as Elzikaar digs in with a fork
and knife. He takes a bite.
He chews for a beat with dissatisfaction on his face. He
looks to the Knight next to him.
 7.

ELZIKAAR
Jasper is a little overcooked.
(NOTE: The Ass-Knights speak a gibberish that only Elzikaar
can understand.)

The Knight steps forward.

ASS-KNIGHT #1
Goou-da? Za Choo-Choo?

ELZIKAAR
I am chewing it, it tastes like it
came out your fucking face!
Elzikaar SMACKS the table with his fist. The Ass-Knight
jumps.

Elzikaar sighs. He rubs his eyes.

ELZIKAAR (CONT’D)
I’m sorry... I’m taking out my
frustration on you.
(pats Ass-Knight’s face)
Maybe one day a party will come
along that is worthy of a
challenge... Oh, well.
Elzikaar returns to eating his meal. He stops again:

ELZIKAAR (CONT’D)
Oh! I almost forgot.
Elzikaar cuts off Jasper’s hand -- which has the DUNGEONS
AND DUMMIES symbol on it. He tosses it to the Ass-Knight
behind him.
ELZIKAAR (CONT’D)
Here... Put this with the others.

The Ass-Knight takes the hand into...

INT. ELZIKAAR’S LAIR - SECRET ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The Ass-Knight enters through two LARGE WOODEN DOORS into an
intimidating yet luxurious study. It looks normal until...

We see the adjacent wall -- filled with thousands of hands

with the same sign on them.
Elzikaar’s wish ECHOES as we fly out of a mysterious,
magical book with the DUNGEONS AND DUMMIES symbol -- the
same symbol on the hand. It SLAMS shut.
 8.

TITLE CARD: DUNGEONS AND DUMMIES

EXT. MYSTICAL MOUNTAIN VALLEY - DAY
OVERBLACK

SUPER: "MANY YEARS LATER, IN A FAR DIFFERENT WORLD"

FADE IN ON:
A drone-like journey through the mountain valley landscape.
Swiveling in and out of trees, waterfalls, and mystical
creatures. A voice is heard:
JOE (V.O.)
Warriors.
(beat)
You’ve journeyed these lands far
and wide. Met people of this world
to and fro. You have endured
countless obstacles...
This land is beautiful... But it is dangerous.

JOE (V.O.)
And yet, your journey has led you
here.
And then... SCREAMS. Lots of them.

A large crowd of VILLAGERS flee in fear as a massive, horned

BEAST rampages through the mountainside.
BAM!

It SWINGS its horned tail through a cottage. Debris SPEWS

everywhere.
It ROARS.

Suddenly, a foot steps forward. The Beast sees her.

(NOTE: Our heroes here are unrealistically muscular and
attractive. This is the imaginary Dungeons and Dragons
campaign, unlike the real one we just came from)
It’s VESPA -- a tall, female wizard -- standing in front
with smug. Behind her stands a BARD, a RANGER, a ROGUE, and
a DWARF (All are various races).
The beast blows STEAM out of it’s nostrils. It stomps it’s
feet forward.
 9.

JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D)

You’ve managed to weaken it... But
can you finish the job? The beast
wastes no time. Once it sees you...
(beat)
It charges.
The Beast lunges forward at the party.
JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
Quick! Roll initiative.

Time slows down. 20-sided DICE appears over each party

members head. They roll.
Vespa’s dice hits an 18! The Dwarf gets a humble 15,
followed by the Rogue’s 12 and the Ranger’s 8.

But wait! The Beast has a dice, too. It rolls a 6.

Vespa gives orders to her team:
VESPA
You know what to do!
Our heroes leap into action! Well, except for the Bard...
Who’s dice is still rolling.
JOE (V.O.)
You’re in luck. The Beast hesitates
as you disperse. Except for...
The Bard shakes in fear as he waits for his dice value. A
"1" flashing in red appears above his head.

BARD
Are you kidding me?!
Vespa wastes no time. She casts a spell:

VESPA
Arcane eye!
An illuminating EYE apparition appears over the monster. It
analyzes the Beast.

The Dwarf hurls a BOMB at the fierce monster. It bounces off

the Beast’s rough exterior.
DWARF
What the shit?! That didn’t do
nothin’.
 10.

JOE (V.O.)
Gonna have to do better than that.
This lean, mean killing machine has
an Armor Class of 26.
The Beast SHOUTS.
ROGUE
I have an idea!

The Rogue scurries behind a bush. He dives in it like a

swimming pool.
DWARF
What the hell you doin’? Get yo ass
back out here!
ROGUE
(from the bushes)
But my sneak skill is so high!

DWARF
We don’t need you sneakin’. We need
you fightin’!
The Ranger shoots an arrow at the Beast, but it falls flat.
Not a very good shot...

RANGER
I just remembered my bow is broken!
The Ranger runs for cover.

JOE (V.O.)
You can try to repair your bow, but
it’ll take you 2 turns.
The Ranger hides behind a rock. He talks to the sky:

RANGER
Two turns?!
Now, it’s the Beast’s turn... His dice hits a 16.

It grins over at the Bard. It winds up it’s tail...

The Bard, frozen, says:
BARD
Oh, sh--

WHACK!
INSIDE THE TOWNHOUSE
 11.

The Bard flies through the front door of a town home. He

SMACKS the back wall.
JOE (V.O.)
Ouch, tough luck. You take 12
damage.

The Bard groans as he gets himself back on his feet.

BARD
Feels like a lot more... But now
it’s my turn--
JOE (V.O.)
Not yet. But you do spot something
of use in the town home...

The Bard looks to his left. A massive CAGE is suspended from

the top of the ceiling of the home -- perfect for catching a
giant monster.
The Bard looks up in disbelief.

BARD
That’ll do it...
IN THE VALLEY
The Beast waves it’s tail around once again. It prepares to
attack. The Dwarf can do nothing but watch.
JOE (V.O.)
This Beast is given a bonus attack.
So... It strikes.

WHAM!
The tail SMACKS the ground in front of the Dwarf. He flies
backwards, SCREAMING like a girl.

INSIDE THE TOWNHOUSE

The Bard looks out the window at the Beast as it tosses
Dwarf aside.
BARD
Alright, now it’s my turn.
He pulls out his guitar.
BARD (CONT’D)
I’m gonna put it to sleep!
 12.

Bard starts to play a SOFTENING TUNE. The Dice rolls above

his head. It blinks with a red "1" once again.
He looks up at the Dice.
BARD (CONT’D)
Uh oh.
JOE (V.O.)
You nearly put yourself to sleep...

The Bard, drowsy, stumbles backwards.

JOE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
You try to catch yourself, but...
The Bard tries to find his footing. He grabs a LEVER. He
tumbles over, pulling the lever down with him.
The Cage DROPS on top of him. Now trapped, Bard leans his
head up against the cage.
BARD
(falling asleep)
Oh... Come on...
His head taps a bar. He snoozes.
IN THE VALLEY

The EYE in the Sky looks back to Vespa. It vanishes.

Vespa blinks her eyes rapidly. She receives information. She
stops. Her eyes widen.

VESPA
(calling out)
I know how to beat it!
The Dwarf, now running from the Beast, responds:

DWARF
(shouting)
Kill it! Kill it! Kill it! Kill it!
VESPA
I can’t! It’s invulnerable to
magic!
RANGER
What do we do, Vespa?!
 13.

ROGUE
I’ll continue reconnaissance from
this bush!

DWARF
Shik, get the hell outta that bush!
ROGUE (O.S.)
Hey! You’re not suppose to use my
real name!
Vespa thinks for a moment. And then, she’s got it!
VESPA
I have an idea!
(calls to Ranger)
I need an arrow!
RANGER
But my bow is broken!

VESPA
Just throw it to me!
The Ranger tosses the arrow into the air. Time slows down.
VESPA (CONT’D)
Wizard hand!
The arrow stops mid-air. It’s GLOWS white.
Vespa gestures her arm toward the Beast.

The arrow changes direction. She directs the arrow towards

the raging Beast’s golden-glowing heart.
The arrow gets closer and closer, but before the arrow
strikes...

INT. JOE’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

A D20 dice lands on a "20".
The group sitting around the table CHEER!

Joe -- the Dungeon Master -- who is an average looking guy,

leans back in his chair in disbelief.
JOE
Roll for damage...

ELLIE, the pretty girl sitting closest to Joe, rolls two 8

sided dice. They both land on 8. What’re the odds?
 14.

ELLIE
16 plus 6 --
JOE
(rubbing his head)
Kill.

The group celebrates once again. They can’t believe it.

Joe doesn’t look pleased.

JOE (CONT’D)
Describe your kill...
IN THE VALLEY - INTERCUT
ELLIE (V.O.)
My arrow pierces the Beast’s
glowing heart...
The arrow does just that -- it impales the monster. It
SHRIEKS.

It stumbles backwards.
ELLIE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
It falls over and whips it’s tongue
out, clearly dead.

The Beast’s tongue FLOPS out of it’s mouth.

Vespa cuts off one of the horns.
ELLIE (V.O.) (CONT’D)
I take my trophy and present it to
the people of the village.
Vespa lifts the horn into the air. The townspeople go wild!
DREW, the Bard all along, interjects.

BARD
And I approach my love, Vespa, and
I kiss her passionately for our
victory.

Vespa and the Bard kiss obnoxiously, until...

JOE (V.O.)
Drew, you’re still unconscious in
the cage...
 15.

BARD
Well, I woke myself up and snuck
out of it.
VESPA
I accept his kiss.
They smooch over and over until...
JOE (V.O.)
Alright, alright --

BACK IN THE APARTMENT

Joe stands from the table as Ellie and Drew kiss.
JOE
That’s enough...
The group looks confused.
BRODY -- who was the Dwarf -- and happens to be a big,
charismatic black dude, speaks up:

BRODY
Whoa, whoa there, Joe. We didn’t
even get our reward from the King
yet.

SHIK -- the Indian geek sitting next to Brody -- who was the
Rogue, chimes in next:
SHIK
Awww, I didn’t even get to show you
guys what I had planned for the
award ceremony!
BRODY
You were probably gonna hide, like
you always do!

SHIK
I wasn’t hiding, Brody, I was
sneaking!
KIRK -- who was the Ranger -- and clearly the oddball of the
group, speaks next:
KIRK
And I never got to find my pet
wombat Femi!
 16.

JOE
(frustrated)
None of that even matters, okay?
The King was gonna give you all 200
gold. Which, let’s be honest, is
chump change to you guys at this
point. You saved the day and that’s
all I had left for this campaign,
anyway. Congrats. You guys win,
again...

ELLIE
You make it sound like it’s such a
bad thing...
Drew, with his arm around Ellie’s shoulder, looks smug.

Joe walks into the kitchen area.

DREW
Yeah, bro. We can’t help it if we
keep winning all the time.

Joe walks back with a plate of food.

JOE
Drew, you don’t even do anything.
None of you do! You guys just piggy
back off of Ellie every time...

BRODY
Come on, man, there’s no reason to
be salty.

JOE
I’m not salty! I just don’t think I
wanna be your dungeon master
anymore.
The group pauses for a beat. It’s silent.

KIRK
But... But we love your campaigns,
Joe.
JOE
Cause they’re easy, right? You guys
breeze through them and become high
enough levels to where I can’t
really stop you.
 17.

ELLIE
That’s not true! You make it harder
on us as we go, like when we had to
fight that Chutlu Dragon!

BRODY
Or that time we had to fight that
Vampire who constantly regenerated
health, and and--
JOE
And it’s not enough. It never is,
so...
Joe fiddles with his food. The group falls silent once again
for a beat. Until...

Shik places a bag of WEED in the center of the table,

knocking over the character figures.
SHIK
I don’t know about you guys, but
we’re suppose to celebrate after we
beat a campaign!
Brody gets up from his seat and heads to the fridge. He digs
around in it.
BRODY
Shik is right. Are we going to
party, or what?
Brody SLAMS down 2 handles of liquor in the center of the
table next to the weed.

Ellie looks to Joe.

ELLIE
Come on... You’re not going to let
something this dumb ruin our night,
are you?
Joe thinks. He can’t resist Ellie’s gorgeous gaze.
ELLIE (CONT’D)
Really! This was the best campaign
yet. Maybe we can drink to the new
one?
Everyone anticipates Joe’s response.
He smirks. He can’t say no to beer and weed...
 18.

The party eggs him on as Brody pats him on the back, walking
him towards the table.

Shik starts loading a bowl. It’s time to party!

INT./EXT. JOE’S APARTMENT - LATER
IN THE LIVING ROOM

The party is still in full swing. Brody, with an Ace card on

his head, plays a card game with Shik, Drew, and Kirk. All
sitting around the table -- clearly trashed.
BRODY
Next question...
(beat)
Class of your -- of your next
character. Can’t be what you was
before...
SHIK
I wanna be a Bard. You know, since
Drew was literally the worst Bard
we’ve ever had.
DREW
But you -- but you were a bad
rogue, too, Shik!
The group’s laughter and cheers echo out onto...
THE BALCONY

Joe and Ellie lean on the railing as they overlook the

beautiful city of New Orleans. They giggle.
ELLIE
Sounds like they’re still having
fun...
JOE
Yeah, at least I’m good at getting
them drunk, right?

ELLIE
Oh my God... Poor old Joe. Can’t
stand when his friends beat his
campaigns. You’re so dramatic...
JOE
Only because I wanna show them a
good time. I mean, I wanna show you
a good time.
 19.

ELLIE
You do show us a good time! We
wouldn’t want anyone else as our
dungeon master.

Ellie grazes Joe’s hand. There’s an awkward beat between

them.
JOE
Yeah, well... I think I’d rather be
a player for the next one. Just
because I wanna take a break from
being a dungeon master, that’s all.
ELLIE
And who would be the new dungeon
master?

JOE
I don’t know. Kirk’s got
some interesting ideas, like the
one where we’re all lactose
intolerant and have to eat and shit
our way out of a land made of
cheese, or something? It sounds
dumb but maybe it’d be fun...
Both snicker.

JOE (CONT’D)
Maybe even Drew...
ELLIE
You think Drew would be a good
dungeon master?
JOE
I don’t know... Drew doesn’t seem
like the kinda guy who’s good
enough for some things... But
apparently he is...
Ellie’s smile vanishes. She can take a hint...
Drew’s voice echoes outside:

DREW (O.S.)
I cast golden shower!
BRODY (O.S.)
(shouting)
What the hell you doin’, Drew?!
 20.

Ellie and Joe move into the doorway to see what’s going on
inside.
IN THE LIVING ROOM
Drew, with his pants around his ankles, PEES onto the center
of the table.
DREW
(drunkily)
I don’t care what the next campaign
is, anyway! You guys are un --
unappreciative!
KIRK
Under-appreciative.

DREW
(still peeing)
Under-appreciative?
Under-unappreciative!
Brody pulls Drew away from the table.

ON THE BALCONY
Ellie and Joe, both somehow not surprised, look to each
other:

ELLIE
Ugh. I should probably get him
home...
JOE
Probably not a bad idea.

They linger for a beat until they finally hug. It’s a good
one, too.
Before Ellie goes back inside, she once again looks to Joe:

ELLIE
I’ll see you for the next campaign?
JOE
Yeah, maybe.

Ellie walks inside.

Joe falls into a chair on the balcony. He sighs.
 21.

INT. JOE’S APARTMENT - LATER

Joe steps back inside from the balcony. He eyes his
ransacked apartment. He rubs his head.
Kirk steps up beside him, wearing bright pink kitchen
cleaning gloves.
KIRK
If it makes you feel any better, I
cleaned up all of Drew’s urine.

JOE
(sighs)
What did you use, Kirk?
KIRK
My own secret cleaning mixture, of
course.
JOE
You mean the one that smells like
shit?

KIRK
It only contains a little manure,
Joe... But yes, that is the one.
Joe rolls his eyes. He meanders towards his bedroom. Kirk
follows.
JOE
Why didn’t you just use the wet
wipes?!

KIRK
(walking)
And feed the Wet Wipe monopolistic
machine? I’ll stick to my
humanitarian methods, thanks. Also,
some of us were talking about what
we’re gonna be for the next
campaign. I want to be a wizard.
Get it? To be more like Ellie. What
do you think?

JOE
Sounds great, Kirk.
Kirk stops in Joe’s doorway. Joe continues into his bedroom.
He swings the door.
 22.

KIRK
When will you have the next one
ready?
JOE
Never.
The door SLAMS on Kirk’s face.
INT. GAME STOP - DAY

Joe gazes out the window, looking at the store across the
street. RUSTY, Joe’s co-worker, sits behind the front desk
as he plays a NINTENDO SWITCH.
JOE’S P.O.V.:

- The VOODOO: BOARD GAMES PLUS store across the street, with
a ’CLEARANCE SALE -- EVERYTHING MUST GO!’ sign out front.
The store is full of boxes.
Rusty steps up beside Joe with his eyes still on his
Nintendo Switch.

RUSTY
Sad to see a game store with an
antiquated business model go out of
business.

JOE
Rusty, we’re a game store with an
antiquated business model about to
go out of business...

RUSTY
(looks up)
Oh, yeah...
Joe strides behind the front desk and grabs his jacket. He
heads for the door.

RUSTY (CONT’D)
Dude, where are you going? It’s not
4:30 yet!
JOE
(leaving)
I think you can manage for 10
minutes.
Joe leaves. Rusty shrugs. He continues to play his game.
 23.

INT. VOODOO: BOARD GAMES PLUS - DAY

The bell to the store DINGS as Joe steps inside the dusty,
old shop.
JOE
Hello?
No answer. Joe continues inside anyway.
There’s a large array of books on the wall to his right. He
skims them for a beat. He picks up a book and flips through
it until a MYSTERIOUS LADY calls out to him:
MYSTERIOUS LADY (O.S.)
Anything I can help you with,
handsome?

Joe turns to see the old lady, who looks like some kind of
Voodoo witchdoctor.
JOE
Oh, yes.

He puts a book back on the shelf. He steps forward.

JOE (CONT’D)
I’m looking for a new DND campaign
guide. Expert level. No funny
business. The story’s gotta be good
and it’s gotta be tough.
MYSTERIOUS LADY
Hmmm. Tough you say? I may
have just the thing...

She meanders into the back of the store.

Joe takes a gander around while she’s away. Looking in some
of the BOXES lying around.

He sees VOODOO DOLLS, SKULL HEADS, and a OUIJA BOARD. On the

wall above the box is a PAINTING of Elzikaar on his thrown
admiring a skull.
Joe examines the painting. Elzikaar looks at him.

PLUMP.
The book drops onto the desk, snapping Joe’s concentration.
 24.

MYSTERIOUS LADY
Ah, here it is!

Joe strolls back over to the desk. His eyes widen as he sees
it --
The same BOOK from the beginning -- with the DUNGEONS AND
DUMMIES insignia on top. He runs he’s fingers over the old,
tattered leather. He opens it up and flips through it.

MYSTERIOUS LADY (O.S.)

If a challenging quest is what you
seek... Then this is truly the book
for you...

JOE
Well, it looks a little old, but...
Joe turns the pages and we see...
JOE’S P.O.V.:

- Illustrations of FROST DRAGONS, ZOMBIE VILLAGERS, ROCK

OGRES, SNAKE PEOPLE, VAMPIRES WITH HANDLE-BAR MUSTACHES,
SKELETONS, MUSES...
The pages flip faster and faster as Joe reads on. He can’t
believe what he’s seeing...
JOE’S P.O.V.:
- More illustrations -- WORM PEOPLE, POSSESSED GOATS,
KNIGHTS WITH ASSES FOR FACES, and finally, ELZIKAAR in Demon
form... And with each page flip his glare grows bigger and
bigger, until...
The Book SHUTS. Joe has a look of awe on his face.

JOE (CONT’D)
Wow... What kind of campaign is
this?
MYSTERIOUS LADY
One that’s never been beaten.

JOE
(beat)
How much?
MYSTERIOUS LADY
Hmmm. I’ll give it to you for free,
but beware, handsome... The true
price of this book does not come in
the form of money...
 25.

Joe, with his eyes still in the book, says:

JOE
What’s that suppose to mean?
After a beat, Joe closes the book and looks around. She’s
gone.
JOE (CONT’D)
Huh... Well, that’s not creepy at
all, or anything...

Joe exits through the front door. After a beat, the

Mysterious Lady returns with a big, black DILDO in her
hand. She scans the room.
MYSTERIOUS LADY
(sigh)
Should’ve started off with the
dildo...
INT. JOES APARTMENT - NIGHT

The door SLAMS. Joe strides through the front door as Kirk,
wet and in a towel, watches TV on the couch... With a goat,
which is also wet.
JOE
Kirk! I’ve done it!

KIRK
To start, this is not what it looks
like...
JOE
Who cares about the goat! Where
we’ll be going there will be a ton
of goats! And ogres! Basilisks,
snake people, french freaking
vampires, assfaces--

KIRK
Assfaces?
JOE
(sits down)
This is the one! The campaign we’ve
all been waiting for! The greatest
of quests, the ultimate odyssey--
KIRK
And goats?
 26.

JOE
Well, yeah, but--

KIRK
I’m in.
Joe storms to his room with his bag in hand.
JOE
Call the others. Tell them to be
here tomorrow night if they want a
real campaign.
JOE (O.S.)
And get rid of the goat!

Joe’s bedroom door SHUTS. After a beat, Kirk smiles at the

goat.
KIRK
Let’s get you dried off...

INT. JOE’S APARTMENT - ESTABLISHING - NIGHT

JOE (O.S.)
Lady and Gentlemen...

INT. JOE’S APARTMENT - CONTINUOUS

Brody, Shik, Kirk, and Ellie sit around the game-set table
as Joe stands to address them:
JOE
I have failed you. Not as a friend,
I hope, but as a dungeon master--
SHIK
Boooo.

JOE
Yes, that’s right. The campaigns I
came up with weren’t good enough
for you all. And neither were "Tomb
of Horrors" or "The Apocalypse
Stone"... Finding a campaign that
could suit everyone seemed
impossible, but I think I may have
found the story that’ll change your
lives forever!

BRODY
Easy now, Joe. You’re not just
hypin’ us up again like you usually
do, are you?
 27.

SHIK
He better not. I had to cancel
plans with my waifu for this!

ELLIE
Can you go one night without
sounding like an incel, Shik?
SHIK
What’s an incel?
KIRK
Involuntary celibate. I know this
because I am also one.

JOE
Don’t worry. I have a feeling this
one won’t disappoint...
Joe reaches behind his cover and pulls out the book. He
DROPS it in the center of the table. The Book has a
purplish, magical aura to it.
ALL
Whhoooooaaaaaa...
SHIK
Jesus, Joe, it looks ancient!
JOE
Maybe so, but there’s no other book
like it.

BRODY
You ain’t lyin’... Something’s off
about this book. Like it’s cursed
or some shit.

Joe flips through the book.

JOE
I don’t know about all that,
Brody...

Joe flips to the back of the book. He comes across a section

full of CHARACTER SHEETS.
JOE (CONT’D)
Ah, look. Here are the character
sheets. Specific to this campaign,
too.
Joe TEARS out a sheet. And another. And another. One for
each person. The group looks on in shock:
 28.

ELLIE
Are you sure you’re suppose to be
tearing out the pages like that?
JOE
Why not? They’re meant to be torn
out.
Everyone fills out their sheets. Suddenly, Drew swings
through the front door.

DREW
Don’t forget about me!
JOE
Drew? I -- I thought you weren’t
interested in a new campaign with
us...
Drew nabs the open seat next to Ellie.
DREW
Yeah, I wasn’t at first, but if
Ellie’s in for a new challenge,
then I am, too.
Drew places his arm around Ellie. Joe and Ellie share a
look.

JOE
Wonderful...
DREW
You got another one of those
character sheets?

JOE
(hesitating)
Oh... Yeah, sure.

Joe once again flips to the back of the book. He sees that
all the sheets from before are still there.
JOE (CONT’D)
What the...

Joe thinks for a beat. He’s clearly confused.

DREW
Uhhhh... Dude.
 29.

JOE
Oh, right.

Joe rips a character sheet from the book and hands it to

Drew.
Brody, Kirk, Shik, and Ellie hand in their completed
character sheets to Joe. He looks them over as he receives
them:

JOE (CONT’D)
Alright... Half-Elven Wizard, Elven
Ranger, Halfling Bard, Barbarian
Orc -- nice -- and... No Rogue,
guys? Come on, you’re gonna need
a--
DREW
Whoa! Check this out!
The ink on Drew’s paper begins to GLOW purple, along with
all the other character sheets. Joe flips through them.
KIRK
This is already the greatest
campaign ever.

Joe takes out another character sheet and tests it out. He

writes "ROGUE" on a sheet. It glows.
BRODY (O.S.)
You think it’s the best campaign
because the words sparkle?

The words ECHO in the background as Joe eyes the glowing

words. SIZZLE! Joe grasps his hand. It burns.
JOE
Excuse me for a sec...
Joe steps away to...
THE BATHROOM

He shuts the door behind him. He lifts his hand to see THE
SYMBOL burning into his hand. He grasps it in pain.
JOE (CONT’D)
What the fuck is happening?!

AT THE TABLE
Drew snatches the book from the center of the table. He
flips through it.
 30.

BRODY
What the hell are you doin’, man?
Put that down before you spoil the
story!
DREW
Calm down... I just want to see how
it starts.
(reading from the book)
"This epic, ancient tale begins en
medias res..."
IN THE BATHROOM
The burn on Joe’s hand begins to glow darker and darker. He
grinds his teeth in pain.
KIRK (O.S.)
What about in high res?
SHIK (O.S.)
I don’t think you know what en
medias res means--
ELLIE (O.S.)
Oh my God!

Joe’s eyes widen. He storms out the bathroom into...

THE LIVING ROOM
...to see a PURPLE FOG leaking from the book. Everyone steps
back from the table.

Joe extends his arm, calling out to them:

JOE
Wait, no!

SUDDENLY, the fog turns into a VORTEX and SUCKS everyone

into the book, and then...
FADE TO BLACK.

INT./EXT. HORSE CARRIAGE - VALENCIA - DAY (MOVING)

INT. CARRIAGE #1
Joe’s bloodshot eyes swing open to Shik shaking him awake:

SHIK
Joeeee! Wake up, Joe!
Joe blinks several times to fix his vision.
 31.

JOE’S P.O.V.:
- Shik looking down on Joe. He looks smaller than usual.
JOE
(leaning up)
Shik?! Why are you--
SHIK
I’m a halfling, Joe! A fucking
halfling!

JOE
What?! What am I?
Joe pats himself. He looks at his attire. With his black
hood and leather armor, he must be...

JOE (CONT’D)
A rogue?
SHIK
Still human, too. Consider yourself
lucky.
Joe thinks.
JOE
The character sheets! They made us
like this!
SHIK
Then that means...
They face each other fiercely.

JOE SHIK
We’re in the book! We’re in the book!

Both jump to their feet. Joe thinks.

SHIK (CONT’D)
But... But that’s impossible! How
did we... How could we--
JOE
Shik! I’m going to boost you up on
to the top of the carriage, then I
need you to tell me where we are!
 32.

Joe hoists Shik up onto his shoulders. Shik pokes his head
through the sun roof. FOOMP! He SCREAMS. Joe, confused,
lowers him back into the carriage. Shik returns with an
ARROW in his shoulder.

SHIK
Ahhhhhhhh! They fucking shot me,
Joeeee!
JOE
What?! Oh my God! Who?! Who shot
you?!
SHIK
A bunch of Assfaces!
JOE
Assfaces?
Joe lays Shik down on the seat. He vaults himself through
the sun roof.
EXT. CARRIAGE #1

Joe holds onto the racing carriage as he situates himself on

the roof. He looks behind the carriage to see...
JOE’S P.O.V.:

- A massive caravan of ASS-KNIGHTS on horseback, charging

after their carriage.
More arrows fly.

JOE (CONT’D)
Jesus Christ!
Joe ducks. He sees another CARRIAGE with Brody, a now black
Orc, and Ellie, a majestic elf, on top of their carriage on
the same road parallel to them.

EXT. CARRIAGE #2
Ellie sees Joe looking back at them. She calls to him:
ELLIE
Joe!
JOE
Ellie!
 33.

ELLIE
What’s going on?!
JOE
We’re in the book!

ELLIE
What?!
JOE
We’re in the fucking book!

Suddenly, ASS-KNIGHT #1 and ASS-KNIGHT #2 catch up to

Carriage #2. They mount, climbing on top.
JOE (CONT’D)
Look out!

Brody comes from behind to guard Ellie:

BRODY
Ellie! Get behind me! I’ll--

Ellie charges and SMACKS Ass-Knight #1 with a BOW.

ELLIE
(charging)
HIIIIIYYYAAAAHHHHH!

He flies off the carriage into the wake of dust and horses.
BRODY
Dayum!
ASS-KNIGHT #3 and ASS-KNIGHT #4 hop onto Carriage #2.

Brody steps up, pulling out the wooden CLUB on his back.
ASS-KNIGHT #2
Beanie-baby!

BRODY
Oh, Nuh-uh!
He swings and LAUNCHES Ass-Knight #2 far into the air.

BRODY (CONT’D)
Ha! Hell yeah, I’m strong,
motherfucka!
Brody turns to see Ellie struggling with a Ass-Knight #3.
She manages to push him off the carriage, but #4 steps from
behind and prepares to stab her in the back.
 34.

Brody grasps the sword with his hand, saving Ellie’s life.
His hand bleeds. He SHRIEKS -- like a girl...
BRODY (CONT’D)
Ahhhhhhhh! This shit’s fucking
real!

ASS-KNIGHT #4
(fighting for his sword)
Hey! Hoogity-boogity boo!

EXT. CARRIAGE #1
ASS-KNIGHT #5 hurls his sword at Joe. He falls back, barely
dodging the attack. He POUNDS the roof of the carriage
repeatedly.

INT. CARRIAGE #1
JOE (O.S.)
Helloooo! A little help here!
Drew, now a dark elf, drools as he sleeps. The POUNDING
snaps him out of it. He climbs out from under the seat.
DREW
Ugh... What’s going on?
SHIK
We got sucked into the book, became
the characters we invented, and now
we’re all going to dieeeeee!
DREW
Is that an arrow in your shoulder?!

SHIK
Just look outside, you idiot!
Drew pokes his head out of the sun roof to see the brigade
following closely behind the carriage. Then he sees Joe
wrestling with an Ass-Knight.
Joe’s palms CLENCH the cheeks of the Ass-Knight #5’s face.
JOE
(to Drew)
Help (grunts) me!
Drew SCREAMS... Also like a girl. He drops his head back
into the carriage.
 35.

DREW
Ahhh! Shik! Shik! Holy shit, Shik!
People with butts for faces are
trying to kill us!

SHIK
And they will if you don’t get up
there and help Joe!
DREW
Oh, that’s right! I’m a dark elf
fighter!
EXT. CARRIAGE 1
Joe throws Ass-Knight off of him. Drew LEAPS through the sun
roof in one try. He stands between Joe and the Ass-Knight.

DREW (CONT’D)
Have no fear, Joe! I am a fighter,
so I can take this chump!
Drew performs some ridiculous, lame fighting moves. The
Ass-Knight steps toward him:
ASS-KNIGHT #5
(charging)
Baklava!

CLUNK! He smacks Drew on the side of the head, hurling him

off the side of the carriage.
Drew barely holds on to the side of the cart, screaming as
his legs dangle.

Joe shoves Ass-Knight #5 off the carriage.

To his left, Joe sees Kirk, now a long-bearded wizard,
driving the carriage.

JOE
Kirk?! What’re you doing?!
Joe joins Kirk at the front of the carriage.
KIRK
Look, Joe! I’m steering the horses!
JOE
Make them go faster!
 36.

KIRK
I don’t know how! I don’t know
anything about horses!

JOE
You know about their poop, but you
don’t know anything about the
actual horses?!

BOOM! The two carriages, now side-by-side, bump into each

other. Joe swings his head. He sees Ellie and Brody still
struggling.
JOE (CONT’D)
(to Ellie)
Quick! Hop on!
EXT. CARRIAGE #2
Ellie reaches out her hand, but then she sees the ROAD
SPLIT. She pulls her hand back.

The carriages part, both taking separate roads.

EXT. CARRIAGE #1
JOE (CONT’D)
Shit!
(to Kirk)
Can’t you cast a spell or
something?! You’re a wizard!

KIRK
Uhh, alohomora!
JOE
That’s from Harry Potter you
fucking morrrooonn!

DREW (O.S.)
Uh, guys, can somebody please help
me up?!
Joe looks back to see Drew still dangling. He hops back and
reaches out his arm, until... He pulls it back.
DREW
Wait, what’re you doing?!
JOE
I don’t know, I’m thinking!
(beat)
Should we save you?
 37.

DREW
What?! Yes!
JOE
Hmmmm...

DREW
Yes, you should save me!
Joe rubs his chin.

DREW (CONT’D)
Joe?!
EXT. CARRIAGE #2
Ellie tumbles between ASS-KNIGHT #6’s legs. She kicks him
off.
ASS-KNIGHT #6
(falling)
Bolognaaaaaaaa!

BRODY
Damn, girl, you’re good at this
real shit!
ELLIE
Thanks! Wait a second... Who’s
driving our carriage?!
Ellie and Brody shoot a look to the front. There’s no
driver, just horses running aimlessly.
They SCREAM.

EXT. CARRIAGE #1
Joe is still thinking.

DREW
Don’t let me die, Joe, please don’t
let me dieeeee!
Joe rolls his eyes. He reaches out his hand, until...

BAM!
The carriage hits a bump. Drew falls.
SUDDENLY, Joe grabs his hand, catching Drew. He pulls him
up. They linger for a second to catch their breaths.
 38.

DREW (CONT’D)
(panting)
Thanks...
The road becomes one. The carriages meet once again.

Behind them, the horde of Ass-Knights stop dead in their

tracks.
JOE
Ha! We did it!

KIRK (O.S.)
Joooooeeeeee!
JOE
(turning his head)
What now?
Joe’s eyes widen. A cliff is up ahead, and both carriages
are going right over.
Everyone SCREAMS and SHOUTS as the carriages and their
horses plunge OVER...
CRASH!
EXT. VALENCIA ROAD - CONTINUOUS

The fleet of Ass-Knights standby as an ELEGANT CARRIAGE

pulls up from behind them.
ELZIKAAR (O.S.)
At last...

The sea of Ass-Knights part as Elzikaar, in human form,

makes his way to the front.
ELZIKAAR
(eyes closed)
You all thought you could flee, but
believe me, challengers, I’ve been
dying to--
Once Elzikaar reaches the front, he opens his eyes, startled
to see no one there.

Elzikaar looks to the Ass-Knight closest to him:

ELZIKAAR (CONT’D)
Hey! Where the hell did they go?!
They were right here!
 39.

ASS-KNIGHT #1
Oh, well, halal-Ewan McGregor
achalla wamba--
ELZIKAAR
I don’t care if they went over the
cliff! If they went over the cliff
then I want your dumb asses to
chase them over the cliff!
ASS-KNIGHT #2
But berr-berr! Icha gooey
cookie-doughie--
ELZIKAAR
It’ll kill you?! It’ll kill you?!

Elzikaar subtly moves his hands as the two

Ass-Knights SWIRL into a MEATBALL. Elzikaar SNAPS his
fingers. The meatball tumbles over the cliff.
The other Ass-Knights SHIVER in fear.

ELZIKAAR (CONT’D)
(to Ass-Knights)
Let this be a lesson to all of you!
Ruin my menacing opening monologue
to the party again... And you’ll
end up like them... Or I’ll spew
diarrhea from your stupid faces, or
something. Depends what I feel like
doing that day, really.
Elzikaar approaches the edge of the cliff. He gazes
downward.
ELZIKAAR’S P.O.V.:
- The cliff with the waterfall adjacent to it. Nothing but
mist can be seen from the depths below.

ELZIKAAR (CONT’D)
We’ll just have to put off our
great introduction... For now...
EXT. RIVER BANK - LATER

Wreckage of the two carriages shows, with numerous crippled,

dead horses.
Joe, Shik, Ellie, Drew, and Kirk tend to their wounds.
 40.

SHIK
(bandaging his shoulder)
I can’t believe we actually
survived that.

KIRK
Luckily my head--
(beat)
Broke my fall.
Ellie embraces Drew:

ELLIE
(to Drew)
Thank God you’re okay...
Joe looks to the ground, rubbing his head. He flashes a look
of regret.
DREW
Me? Psh. You know I can fight my
way outta anything.

Joe rolls his eyes.

JOE
We should probably figure out our
next move...

Brody storms back with a TRAVELER over his shoulder.

BRODY
Guys! I found some dude walking on
the road nearby!

TRAVELER
Help! This thing is going to feast
on my flesh!
Brody sets him down.

JOE
Not likely. This Orc just so
happens to be friendly.
TRAVELER
Yeah, but he’s a black orc!
BRODY
What’d you just say?!
 41.

ELLIE
Listen! We don’t care that your
racist--
BRODY (O.S.)
Yes we do!
ELLIE BRODY (O.S.)
But we don’t know where What the hell is wrong with
we are and we need to move this place?! I leave one
before sundown... racist world for another?!
What’s everyone’s deal with
black people?!

TRAVELER
Well, yer about a days walk to
Ehrtbend. The other way is Pelepuu,
but no one wants--
DREW
(angrily)
Listen, brooooo! We don’t know what
any of that means! We were just
chased by a bunch of... Knights
with butts on their faces and,
and--
The Traveler’s eyes widen.
TRAVELER
You came across the Knight’s of
Eorr Bumm? You must be...
JOE
Must be what?
TRAVELER
Oh, nothing -- nothing. Follow me,
I’ll lead you to Ehrtbend.
EXT. DIRT ROAD - DUSK
The group walks together side by side down the wide, dirt
road.
SHIK
Any other crazy things that’re
gonna try to kill us in Ehrtbend?

TRAVELER
Oh, tons! Our world is full of
treachery and disaster!
 42.

DREW
How the hell are we suppose to get
out of this deathtrap of a book?!
JOE
I don’t know, but something tells
me we have to beat the main quest.
ELLIE
Which is?

JOE
I’m not sure. I didn’t read ahead.
BRODY
What do you mean you didn’t read
ahead?!

JOE
It’s pointless for a dungeon master
to read that far ahead, alright?
Most party’s stray from the main
quest from the get go.

SHIK
So, we need to complete as many
quests as possible, or at least
until we come across the main
quest?

KIRK
Or, we can all run away and open a
milk pub.
DREW
(groaning)
Who knows what we’ll come across in
this nightmare...
JOE
I don’t know, I’m optimistic. Maybe
this is the world we’ve been
looking for.
ELLIE
Depends what kind of world this
is...
TRAVELER
(interjecting)
The greatest, yet most dangerous
world of all. Welcome to Valencia.
 43.

The Sun sets on the road as our heroes venture onward to

begin their epic journey.
Their SHADOWS cast what seem to be powerful figures -- a
glimpse of what our heroes will one day become...

BRODY
(to Traveler)
Shut your racist ass up!
FADE TO BLACK.