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Being A Happy Teenager PDF
Being A Happy Teenager PDF
READERS’ COMMENTS
“This book is addictive! I couldn’t stop reading it.
The content is fabulous – like watching Disney Discovery Channel!”
CHERRYN YAP
Singapore
“I was able to relate to the book as well as gain from it. I like the part
about friends and being self confident. It really worked when I tried it.
I am sure other readers will enjoy it as much as I did.”
KIMBERLY WONG
Hong Kong
READERS’ COMMENTS
“This is the book I wish I had when I was growing up. As a parent
of teenagers, I recommend it to all parents and teenagers.”
CHRISTOPHER FERNANDO
Barrister, Malaysia
“I have been searching for the right book for my 12 year-old son, Ben,
who was somewhat troubled by what life dishes out. I tried reading
many books to Ben but none held his attention for more than a
paragraph. I can’t begin to tell you how much this book means to us.”
MARIA LEWTY
Brandon, Australia
Copyright (c) 1999 by
Seashell Publishers and
Andrew Matthews
being a happy
TEENAGER
written and illustrated by
Andrew Matthews
Published by:
Seashell Publishers
PO Box 325, Trinity Beach
Queensland, Australia, 4879.
ISBN 09578814 3 6
No part of this publication, text or illustrations, may be reproduced in any form or by any
means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise without the prior
consent of the author and the publisher.
Dedication
To my precious wife – and publisher – Julie:
Thank you for all your love and guidance. You never cease to amaze me!
For ten years you have encouraged me to write a book for teenagers.
Thank you for your insights, your inspiration and your endless editing.
You made it happen. This is your book.
Thank You
To Mary Duma, Julia Green, Elisabeth Davies, Eve Jackson, Lucinda Napper,
Serin Kasif, Kumaresan, Syazmin Mohd Khalid, Mahammad Saufee Abdul
Shukor, Karen and Matthew Reason, Amanda Wilson-Bunch, Beck Schneider
and Christiane Hommel for taking the time to read the manuscripts and for
all your comments and suggestions.
Contents
6. School 53
Bullies
Why Study?
8. Happiness 81
If You Hate Your Parents...
What Do You Expect?
Worry and Fear
We Choose Happiness
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1
Do you ever:
• wish you were older?
• wish you had more money?
• get embarrassed by your parents?
• wish you looked different?
• wish you had different parents?
“Am I Normal?”
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I did learn something from all this. I learned that if you keep doing the
same thing in life, you keep getting the same results!
In a nutshell
If you want your life to be different, you have to change your behaviour.
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2
A guy asked me,
“What if I don’t want to be happy?
What if I want to be miserable?”
I said, “Be miserable – if that makes you happy!”
Pain
W
hen you accidentally bite your tongue, it’s hard to see
“pain” as a good thing. The same goes for a blister on
your big toe. You might ask, “Why do I need a
throbbing foot?”
But what if you felt no pain? How often would you bite off bits
of your tongue – or burn your backside in the bath? Physical pain
is a perfect alarm system that prevents further damage. It tells us,
“You’d better change what you are doing!”
Guess what! Emotional pain gives us the same kind of message.
If we are hurting a lot of the time – feeling resentful or jealous
or angry – the emotional pain might be telling us, “You’d better
change how you’re thinking!”, i.e.
• “Don’t expect your friends to always agree with you.”
• “Don’t depend on your friends to make you happy!”
• “Forgive yourself. Forget your mistakes and move on.”
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Andrew Matthews
With physical pain, a blister on your foot is a message to change your shoes.
With emotional pain – which feels like a blister on the brain – the message
is usually to change your point of view. When you see things differently, the
pain often goes away.
How can we see things differently? That’s what this book is about.
In a nutshell
With physical pain, when we keep
doing the same thing, it keeps
hurting.
With emotional pain, when we
keep doing the same thing, it keeps
hurting.
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In a nutshell
Problems aren’t necessarily bad.
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Disappointments
How do you deal with disappointments?
You apply for a part-time job and your friend gets hired. Maybe you get
a new car and it gets stolen within a week. Or you fall in love with the guy
next door and he falls in love with the girl across the street.
When these things happen, you have a few options. You can either:
• Ask yourself, “Why do bad things always happen to me?”
This gets you stranded in self-pity, an option for losers. While we feel sorry
for ourselves we never do anything to fix a problem.
• Tell yourself, “It’s not my fault.” This is another excuse to do nothing.
Even if it’s not your fault, the question is, “What are you going to do
about it?”
• Ask yourself, “What do I learn from this?” This is how you bounce
back. You ask, “What do I learn?” “What else can I do?” “Who can help
me?” Then you get a plan to do better next time.
If you believe (or even pretend) that every event in your life has a purpose,
you will learn from your disappointments. We are not here to be punished.
We are here to be educated.
In a nutshell
You are never beaten until you quit.
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Andrew Matthews
Let’s say your Dad suddenly announces to the family, “I’ve got a new job.
We’re all moving to Peru!”
You say, “Oh no! I’ll lose all my friends. My life is ruined! Where can you
get a decent hamburger in Peru?” As long as you think that your life is in
ruins, you will be miserable.
Then one day you change your point of view. You decide, “This is an
adventure most kids never get! I’ll get to learn Spanish. I’ll learn to eat
different food! Maybe my friends can come and visit me!”
You change your attitude and it changes your life.
In a nutshell
Every “disaster” in your life is not so much a
disaster as a situation waiting for you to change
your mind about it.
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3
Who Am I?
Y
es! People who don’t like themselves are a pain in the
neck!
Usually, people with a poor self-image use one of two
irritating strategies. They either:
a) criticize you a lot or
b) they criticize themselves a lot.
STRATEGY A: They criticize you a lot. They figure that by
criticizing other people they can feel better about themselves.
Let’s take Fred, who feels inferior. Fred thinks he has a big nose and
piggy eyes. He also secretly feels a bit stupid.
So what’s his strategy to feel better about himself? He criticizes all
his friends. He has names for them like “Flathead”, “Chicken Legs”
and “Dogbrain”. Whenever someone else makes a mistake, he
announces it to the whole class. (He probably doesn’t even realize
he criticizes people – or why he does it.)
If you have parents, friends or brothers and sisters who don’t like
themselves – they might criticize you and everyone around them.
Just remember that they criticize you because they have a
problem. If you remember that they are actually hurting inside,
you won’t get so upset by their behaviour.
STRATEGY B: Some people who don’t like themselves criticize
themselves a lot. They use reverse psychology...
Take Mary who doesn’t like herself. She’s always telling you,
“You are prettier than me. You are smarter. Nobody likes me.”
She’s hoping that you will reply, “No Mary! You are clever. You are
beautiful.” After a while, people like Mary get on your nerves!
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In a nutshell
When we don’t like ourselves, we irritate other
people. We also put ourselves through a lot of stress.
When we accept ourselves a little better, we don’t
play these games.
It’s a funny thing. When you forgive yourself for your own mistakes, you
automatically begin to let others off the hook for the same things.
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In a nutshell
How you feel about yourself is in your hands.
Feeling Good
When we are feeling good about ourselves, we feel healthier, we have more
energy and problems don’t seem so overwhelming.
When we are feeling miserable – or when we don’t like ourselves – it is
almost as if we punish ourselves. We binge on junk food or go looking for
arguments. It is not that we do it consciously, but it happens.
On those gloomy days we are much more likely to fall off ladders or trip
over the carpet. Even accidents just seem to happen when we are feeling
depressed.
So, how do you keep feeling good about yourself?
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Your Self-Image
Imagine this story: during your first weeks of school, you are sitting in maths
class gazing out the window when the teacher asks you, “What’s the answer?”
“What’s the answer?” You don’t even know the question! You are
speechless. Your face turns red. Panic! At that moment you tell yourself, “I
hate mathematics!”
That night your mother asks: “How was school?”
You say: “I couldn’t answer the maths question.”
And Mother says: “But no one in our family can do maths!”
Suddenly you breathe a huge sigh of relief... “Of course I hate multiplication!
It’s in my genes!” From that day onward, it’s official. Will you ever look
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forward to mathematics again? Not likely! Now you begin to tell your
friends, “I hate maths. My entire family is bad with numbers!” You figure,
“Why make an effort? I’ll never conquer it.”
But what really happened here? You got a bad start and fell behind.
Maybe this maths story didn’t happen to you. But most of us have our
own story – about singing, hitting a ball, drawing a picture, learning to
swim, speaking in front of the class. We got a bad start and fell behind. No
one came along to encourage us. After one embarrassing experience we
gradually convinced ourselves, “It’s hopeless!”
It’s worth examining where we get these “facts” about what we can do
and what we can’t do. Usually these “facts” are simply beliefs we have – and
they are based on very shaky evidence. Teachers, parents, brothers, cousins
tell us things about ourselves when we are young. When we are six years
old – or ten years old – we believe it...
“This is Mary – she’s not academic.”
“This is Rudy – he’s the naughty one.”
“This is Frank – he’ll be fat like his father.”
Then we spend a lifetime believing something someone told us that’s
not true.
If you have labels on yourself, like “I am a slow learner”, “I am
uncoordinated”, “I can’t multiply”, ask yourself, “What’s the proof?”
In a nutshell
Challenge your labels. When we give
ourselves a second chance, and get
some help, most often we can do it!
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In a nutshell
You are the way you are. But you don’t have to stay that way.
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4
Parents
I
magine you got a puppy for your birthday.
You care so much about this puppy. You watch it all the time.
You panic when you can’t find it. You are forever worrying
about this little ball of fluff and saying things like...
“Where have you been?”
“Where are you going?”
“Be careful!”
“Don’t do that!”
You love it! You worry about what it eats. You worry when it is
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sick. You want to protect it. You try to teach it things that it doesn’t want
to learn!
Meanwhile, the puppy is thinking, “I’m dealing with a control freak!”
Have you noticed that parents treat you the way you would treat
the puppy?
They are forever saying...
“Where have you been?”
“Where are you going?”
“Be careful!”
“Don’t do that!”
They panic when they can’t find you. They worry about what you eat.
They worry when you are sick. They want to protect you. They try to teach
you things – that you don’t want to learn.
Meanwhile you’re thinking, “I’m dealing with a couple of control freaks!”
Parents can be irritating. But it’s usually because they care so much.
Sometimes it helps to remember that they act so crazy because they care
about you.
In a nutshell
Next time your parents are telling you what to
do, think about you and the puppy. Maybe you’ll
understand your parents a bit better.
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Parents also have things to worry about. Their list – and this is all boring
stuff – might include:
• keeping their jobs
• delivering the family to music lessons, soccer practice, ballet, etc.
• monthly car payments, car repairs, car insurance, gas bills
• monthly house payments, house repairs, house insurance
• bills for gas, water, telephone, electricity, cable TV
• caring for their parents
• buying new furniture, computers, printers, software
• school fees for all the kids
• clothes for the whole family
• everybody’s health insurance, medical bills, hospital bills, veterinary bills
• Christmas/birthday presents for a few dozen family and friends every year
• feeding you, your brothers and sisters and the dog.
(We could add another 100 things to this list).
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Now here’s what happens. Dad is sitting in his study thinking about this
list. Meanwhile he’s wondering how he’s ever going to pay off his $10,000
Visa card debt and his $15,000 Mastercard debt.
You walk into his room and say, “Dad, can I have a new mountain bike?”
(Just a simple question.) Dad goes bananas! He turns red in the face and
he’s frothing at the mouth. He’s shouting, “Do you think I’m made of
money? What’s the matter with the bike you have now? I never had a
mountain bike!...”
Dazed, you stagger to the kitchen to escape the onslaught. You ask
yourself, “Why is he acting like a lunatic?”
Remember the “parents’ list” and you might understand. Parents have a
lot of things to worry about! That’s why they act so crazy!
In a nutshell
None of us is perfect. Why do we expect our parents
to be perfect?
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In a nutshell
If you want to get closer to your parents, try saying a few extra “Thank
yous” – and tell them why you appreciate it. You’ll light up their lives.
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5
Friends
Choose Your Friends Carefully
D id you ever race into a public rest room that smelt so bad
you wanted to choke? But you were so desperate to go to
the bathroom that you had no choice.
Did you notice something? By the time you left five minutes later,
it didn’t smell quite so bad!
And what if you accidentally locked yourself in there for an
hour? You’d be saying, “What smell?”
What’s the principle here? That we get used to whatever
environment we’re in.
If you don’t smoke, and no one around you smokes, you never even
think of smoking. But if all your friends smoke, and you hang out in
smoky bars, you get used to it. Sooner or later you’re smoking!
If your friends tell lies, in the beginning it worries you. After a
while, you get used to the fact that some people tell lies. Hang out
with them long enough and you begin telling lies.
Hang out with miserable people, you become miserable – and
you think it’s normal! Mix with critical people, you become critical
– and you think its normal.
If you hang out with friends who are happy and motivated, then
you become happy and motivated – and you think that is normal.
Don’t kid yourself that you aren’t affected by your friends.
If your family or friends are negative and miserable, then you
will need to find some positive, happy friends. Somewhere in your
life, you must have some positive company – or the pessimists will
drag you down – and you won’t even know it’s happening.
In a nutshell
Every day we are affected and infected by the people and attitudes
around us. Sometimes we need to take action – or change friends –
while we can still say, “Something smells around here!”
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What do we learn from this? Never put your life on hold for anybody. Live
your life in the present. Stay busy. Don’t hold your breath for anybody or
anything.
If you are waiting for a boyfriend to call, or waiting for a response to a
job application, or a check in the mail, get on with your life.
All this defies logical explanation – but you probably recognize this
principle in your own life. While you are desperate for something or
somebody, nothing happens.
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In a nutshell
You don’t need to be scared of people. Half the time, they are scared of you!
In a nutshell
You don’t have to spend your life explaining
yourself or justifying why you do something.
If you like to do something and it is not
hurting anybody else, that’s perfectly okay.
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Want to be popular amongst your friends? You don’t always have to be witty
or smart. Sometimes it’s enough just to know when to keep your mouth shut.
Here’s what often happens in relationships: Ted meets Tina. Both are on their
best behaviour. He laughs and jokes. They talk about positive, happy things.
And Tina is thinking, “He’s soooooo wonderful! We have so much in common!”
After a week Ted starts to relax. He begins to complain about his life and
criticize himself.
After a month he’s criticizing her – and her clothes, and her parents, and the
weather...
Meanwhile Tina is thinking, “You used to be really fun. You’ve become a real
pain in the neck.”
And Ted is thinking, “I thought you loved me. What happened?”
If you have troubles, and want to confide in a friend, fine. But put a limit on
it. You don’t have to tell the whole world.
From tomorrow, you never need to tell everyone you didn’t sleep last night.
Isn’t that a relief?
Self-criticism
Let’s say you and I are friends, and every day I’m telling you, “I’m so boring. I
don’t know why you want to be my friend! I don’t know why you don’t just
leave.” Eventually you’ll say, “Good idea!”
Mary says, “But if I criticize myself, then I can show people I’m humble!”
Wrong! If you want to be humble, be humble. Self-criticism isn’t humility, it’s
stupidity.
People who run themselves down are irritating. They make you want to
punch them in the head.
Self-criticism gets on other people’s nerves and it sabotages your self-image.
The bad things you tell yourself take root in your subconscious. Make a deal
with yourself: “From today if I can’t think of something positive, I’ll keep my
mouth shut.”
In a nutshell
You become what you think about.
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Compliments
Ask yourself, “Am I told that I am good looking, clever, capable, efficient,
humorous, lovable or wonderful, as often as I would like?” The answer is
probably “No”, isn’t it? The same goes for all of us. We never get enough
compliments.
Compliments are a bit like food – even if we get a sweet compliment
today, we’re hungry for more tomorrow.
Even sports heroes and movie stars love compliments. Watch famous
people being interviewed on television. When the interviewer tells them
they did a fantastic job, you see their faces glowing!
What does this tell you? Everybody likes to have their efforts recognized.
Your father likes to hear, “Dad, you cooked a great barbeque!” Your mother
likes to hear, “You look cool in that outfit!” Your teacher likes to hear, “That
was a great lesson.”
You say, “Why should I bother to compliment other people?”
Firstly, it makes you feel good.
Secondly, it makes them feel good.
Thirdly, when you notice qualities in other people, they begin to notice them
in you. They start to compliment you – and so you feel good more often.
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In a nutshell
The bonus in paying compliments is that it makes
you happier. Paying compliments to people makes
you focus on positive things. Whenever you look at
positive things, life looks better.
A Compliment Is a Gift
What do you say when someone gives you a compliment? “Thank you!”
A compliment is really a gift. When you take the time and trouble to give
someone praise, it’s much nicer to have the other person say “Thank you”,
than have them throw it back in your face. You don’t return a gift – so why
would you return a compliment?
Whenever you get a compliment, no apologies, no argument – just
“Thank you!” It’s good manners.
Note: There’s a difference between paying someone a compliment and
“crawling”. “Crawlers” will say anything to get people to like them – and
nobody likes a crawler. A compliment is a sincere recognition of someone’s
qualities.
Focus
For a moment, think about your best friend. Now think of one thing about
her (let’s assume she’s a girl), that irritates you. Can you think of something?
Now think of more things that you don’t like – perhaps in the way she
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talks, the way she dresses, perhaps she’s always running late, or maybe
she’s a bit of a complainer. Can you think of some more things?
In an hour you might think of ten things you don’t like about her. In a
week you might think of a hundred things. Eventually you might decide
that you never want to see her again!
Now look at the flip side. Think of what you really like about her. Recall
how she makes you laugh. What makes it special to be with her? Think of
all the good times you have shared.
Now you are feeling totally different about your friend. But has she
changed? No, you did. You changed your focus.
We all have loads of faults. Anyone can find faults in other people. When
you look for good things in people, you find good things. When you look for
faults, you find faults.
In a nutshell
The key to friendships is concentrating on other people’s qualities.
Forgiving People
At some point most of us learned that it is a good idea to forgive people. We
learned that it is “holy” or “spiritual”. But there is a more basic reason to
forgive people: when you don’t forgive them, it ruins your life!
Let’s say: a) you leave me off your birthday invitation list, or b) you are
my girl, and you run off with my buddy. So I say, “I’ll never forgive you for
that!”
Who suffers? Not you!
I’m pacing the floor. I’ve got a knot in my stomach. I’m losing sleep. You
are probably out partying – or asleep!
Where do we get the idea that if WE don’t forgive people, THEY suffer?
It’s nuts!
When you refuse to forgive people – your mother, your teachers, your
boss, you wither up inside. It wrecks your life! Next time you are resenting
someone, close your eyes and experience your feelings. Experience your
body. Making people guilty makes you miserable.
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In a nutshell
Is forgiveness easy? Usually not.
But you don’t forgive people for
their benefit. You do it
for your benefit.
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In a nutshell
Your happiness starts with you. When you are happy, and your life is
working, you attract happy friends and happy partners.
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Drug pushers don’t care how sick you get. So they add “fillers” to the drugs
to make them go further. To heroin they add stuff like laundry detergent,
starch, baking powder, sugar and household cleaners. As an addict, you
have no idea what concoctions you are injecting into your veins.
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In a nutshell
Every drug addict “thought they could handle it”. They all said something
like, “I’ll just try it once so I know.” It’s like hitting yourself with a hammer.
It’s like walking in front of a train. You don’t need to try it to see if it’s good
for you.
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Anna-Louise
As I write this, my seventeen-year-old niece, Anna-Louise, is fighting for her
life in hospital. Three weeks ago she received head injuries in a car
accident. She has been in a coma ever since. My sister and her husband are
at her bedside 18 hours a day.
All Anna’s beautiful blond hair has been shaved off and she is
surrounded by machines, tubes and wires which feed her, keep her breathing,
monitor her pulse, blood pressure, temperature, inter-cranial pressure and
lots more things I don’t understand.
Perched on the machinery in her intensive care cubicle are about a dozen
teddy bears sent by her friends. The family have given them names like
“Sam” – after the head neurosurgeon – and “Lisa” – our favourite nurse.
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Stuck to the wall and the window are a hundred “Get Well” cards from
her friends. They say things like, “Anna we love you”, “Anna you always
make us smile”, “Anna, you are beautiful”.
Isn’t it strange how we wait for disasters to tell people how much they
mean to us. If Anna had not had the accident, how many of us would have
told her? Why do we wait?
Anna went to a party. She and a friend jumped in a car and went for a
drive – just for fun. The car rolled. Next thing they were being delivered to
the Alfred Hospital Emergency Department in a helicopter.
Most teenagers think, “It will never happen to me!” I can just imagine
Anna saying the same thing. But it can and it does.
Thirteen years ago my stepson, Michael, had a car accident. He was also
a teenager. Michael received massive head injuries and wasn’t expected to
survive the night.
Michael amazed us all. Against doctor’s predictions, he learned to walk
again – but it has been a tough road for him. Remembering things is
difficult for Michael. Today he is still learning to speak. Thirteen years later
he is still learning to read and write.
What would Michael tell you? “It happened to me. It can happen to you.”
In a nutshell
When we are teenagers, we think we
will live forever. Sometimes we think
the people we love will live forever.
But two seconds can change your life
forever – or end it.
1. It is never too soon to tell those you
love how much you care.
2. Drive carefully. And if your friends
don’t drive carefully, catch a bus!
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“If I give you all the answers how will you ever learn?”
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6
I am the person who sits next to you in class.
I am the person who is a bit overweight.
I am the person who is laughed at because I am short.
I am the person who is picked on because I like computers.
I am the person who talks with an accent.
I am the person who isn’t great at gym.
I am the person who is always to blame.
I am the person who takes the bus home in fear.
I am the person who stumbles when I walk too fast.
But I am also the person who is brave enough to
wake up and do it again the next day.
Nigel Potts
School
Bullies
W
hat do Harrison Ford, Mel Gibson, Michelle Pfeiffer and
Phil Collins all have in common? They were all bullied
at school.
If you are being bullied, it doesn’t mean there is something
wrong with you. Did you get that?
You have a right to feel safe and secure. If you are being bullied
at school, it is the school’s responsibility to stop it. If you are
being harassed or attacked outside of school, the police have a
responsibility to help you.
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Get Help!
• Tell an adult you can trust. This doesn’t mean you are weak. In life
you often need to get help from other people. When you have a broken
leg, you get help from a doctor – it doesn’t mean you are weak. If you
are being bullied you also get help. Bullies want you to keep quiet. When
you speak up, you refuse to play the bully’s game. Telling others about
the problem is a brave move.
• Keep a diary of what is happening. When you tell a teacher, a
friendly adult, or the police, you need to have the facts: when, where and
what happened. Keep to the facts. Avoid exaggerating.
• Keep telling people about the problem. If the first teacher doesn’t
help, tell another and another. If the first adult doesn’t help, tell another.
If the first policeman doesn’t help, tell another. Persist.
Brand Names
Imagine this scene from a movie. A guy and girl are embracing in the
moonlight.
She says, “Brad, I have to know. Why do you love me?”
And he says, “Because you wear Nikes.”
How stupid is that?
Do your friends wear “brand names” on their jeans, belts, underwear?
Maybe you think having brand names is a matter of life and death. It isn’t.
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If your friend Jim wears three hundred dollar sneakers, all it means is that
his parents had a spare three hundred dollars. What does that have to do
with you? Does that make Jim any better than you? No!
There will always be people around who wear clothes, drive cars and live
in houses that you can’t afford. Get used to it.
What really counts is who you are and what you stand for. It’s what’s on
the inside, not what’s on the outside.
In a nutshell
If you think it really matters, then it really matters. As soon as you say, “It
doesn’t matter”, you can relax.
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Why Algebra?
Did you ever ask the question, “Why do I need to study algebra ? I want
to be a lawyer!” Or, “Who cares about Julius Caesar? I want to be an
accountant.”
After you leave school you may never need to know about quadratic
equations (or Julius) again. But school is about more than learning facts.
It’s also about:
Finding out what interests you. By studying a broad range of
things, e.g. pieces of geology, physics, computing, mathematics, language
etc., you find out what you like and what you don’t like. That’s useful for
later life. (Doesn’t that make sense?)
Learning how to do things. Maybe you hate mathematics. But
the same logic you use to solve equations and geometry problems, you use to
solve other problems in life. We’re talking here about sharpening and
preparing your brain. (Just like a sprinter lifts weights to prepare his body,
you lift “mental weights” to train your mind.)
Getting confidence. You may learn French at school and never
need it. But you prove to yourself that you can learn a language. Then one
day you get offered a job in Rio de Janeiro, and you say to yourself – “I can
do that. I almost passed French! I can learn some Portuguese.”
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You would say, “This is an insult! Get rid of this stupid teacher... and give
me a challenge!”
Challenge is what makes life exciting. Everywhere we look we see people
testing themselves. It’s why we play Nintendo – and all those computer
games. It’s difficult. We want to test ourselves, and move to the next level.
It’s why people love to play golf. Golf is so hard! It’s designed to drive you
nuts.
Remember how happy you were when you learned to tie your shoes.
Remember how proud you were the day you learned to ride a bike? You
haven’t changed! You are happiest when you are solving problems. That’s
when you see what you are made of.
Let’s stop pretending that we want our life to be easy. When things get
too easy, we get bored and leave – and look for another challenge.
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In a nutshell
It’s not the work you do, it’s
your attitude that makes
the difference.
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7
Your Amazing Mind
W
breathe?
hen you cut your finger, do you have to concentrate to
heal it?
When you go to sleep, do you have to remember to
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(There was even a wedding party and photographer on the pier to watch
the performance and record the action.)
Weeks later Gunther was at a party. Being a cool evening he was
warming himself by the heater. Gunther recalls, “I could smell something and
my skin felt itchy. Then I realised,” says Gunther, “I was on fire!” Everyone
threw their drinks on him and he survived. (Don’t try this at home!)
Next day Gunther went shopping. He bought five hundred dollars
worth of clothes – and then accidentally threw all the parcels out with the
garbage. He searched through trash cans for his whole apartment block to
find his new outfits.
Gunther survived. Last I heard, he flooded his house. Just when you think,
“Surely nothing else can happen to him”, he does it again!
MONEY PATTERNS: Do you have friends who never have any money?
Take Mary for example... it’s not that her parents never give her any
money, or that she never earns any. But her pattern is so strong. The
minute she gets $50, she borrows $200 and buys a pair of $250 shoes.
Next week she earns another $200. But rather than pay off what she
owes, she borrows more and buys a set of $400 roller blades. And if you ask
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Before you do anything in your life, you must first imagine it.
(You may not be aware of this!) Before you swing a golf club, you picture
it in your imagination. To get out of your chair and walk across the room,
you picture the action in your mind. You picture it, and your brain then has
the pattern for you to get up and do it.
Researchers have discovered that when you imagine yourself performing
any task, your brain cells undergo electrochemical changes as if you were
actually doing it. That is why all the great athletes, golfers, actors and
singers practise in their imagination. It is called “mental rehearsal”.
What does this tell you? That anything you want to do in your life, you
must picture in your mind. The more often you picture it, the stronger the
patterning of your brain cells, and the easier it is to do it. You can do the
same – at the bus stop, lying in bed, sitting on a train.
Let’s assume you have a “nervous pattern” where you can’t speak in
public. Whenever you try to speak in front of the class, the monster takes
over. You stand up but your mind sits down! You shake, you sweat and
nothing comes out of your mouth.
What do you do to fix this? You begin to play movies in your mind of
the confident new you. You begin to regularly picture yourself standing
in front of the group with a smile on your face. You see yourself speaking
effortlessly. You might imagine yourself as being relaxed like people you
have seen on television, or confident like friends of yours who seem to
handle any situation. In this movie you are happy, relaxed and in control.
As you start to play these mental movies, the monster will fight you. It will
be whispering, “This isn’t right. You should be wetting yourself!” But keep
running the positive movies and you’ll see more and more of the new you.
You’ll have doubts and scary moments. But keep playing those movies in
your head. Each time you stand up to speak it will be easier and easier.
Eventually you’ll become so confident, you’ll forget you ever had a problem.
The mental picture you have of yourself made you who you
are today. When you change that mental picture of yourself
you will change to match that picture.
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EXAMPLE: Let’s say you are always short of money – and owing other
people money. You decide, “Now for the first time in my life I am going to
have spare cash!” You start to play mental movies of yourself with spare
cash. You see yourself depositing savings at the bank.
Now you can bet that the very week you decide to take control of your
finances, there will be big sales downtown. There will be half-price deals at
the music store. There will be unrepeatable bargains on roller blades
and trendy gear at the sports stores. And the monster will be telling you,
“Quick, buy now and beat the rush!” It always happens. You can count on
it. But stick with your movies and you will become like your mental picture.
EXAMPLE: To become a good student, you must first see it in your
creative imagination. So you might play a mental movie of yourself
completing your homework every night. (The monster will argue!) See yourself
enjoying your study and proud of your progress. Replay those pictures in your
mind and over time, you will become that student in your mental movie.
One more thing... when you play these movies, feel the emotion. Feel the
excitement. Why? Strong emotions make the strongest imprint on your
brain cells. That’s why you remember the happiest and saddest experiences
of your life. So you make your mental movies work best by feeling excited.
When you are lying in bed, playing your movie, feel how happy you are
about having spare money, improving your school grades or your new
speaking abilities. The picture will burn itself into your subconscious.
Too easy? This is not a “once or twice” thing. It takes daily persistence.
That is, every day for weeks! But you can do it!
The bonus in playing these movies in your mind is that you can play perfect
movies, without mistakes. So you program your subconscious toward
perfect performance.
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In a nutshell
Whatever patterns you have, you can change. From now on you never have
to think, “That’s just the way I am.” You can think, “That’s the way my
pattern is – and I am about to change it.”
(If I say to you, “Don’t think of a pink elephant with blue spots”, what
fills your mind?)
So when you tell yourself, “Don’t be nervous! Don’t shake!”, what
pictures fill your head? Pictures of you shaking and stammering. These
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pictures filter into your subconscious and program your brain cells for a
shaking, stammering performance! So you shake and stammer. It’s the law
of the mind. No other result is possible.
This explains why confidence is so critical in anything you do. When you
are confident, you have only positive pictures in your mind – of a good
speech, of a relaxed job interview, of a successful driving test, of a great
piano recital.
When you are confident, you don’t play disaster movies, you play success
movies – so you regularly succeed. You’re not perfect, but you always give
yourself the best possible chance.
This is why positive thinking works! Positive thinkers have the habit of
picturing what they want, not what they fear! And what you think is what
you get.
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Expect a Fight!
You can change your patterns by playing mental movies.
But expect a fight. Whenever you set out to slay the
monster/change a pattern/create a new behavior that
doesn’t match the current picture you have of yourself,
your monster will try to sabotage it.
EXAMPLE: Let’s say you haven’t had a date in
two years. Until now, you have had an image
of yourself as a lonely person.
So you start picturing yourself dating and having a good time. Soon you get
invited on a date for the weekend... and you wake up Saturday morning with
a headache and a fever – and ask yourself, “Of all days, why today?” (The
monster loves doing this sort of stuff!) Persist with your mental movies and
things will change.
The monster will give you trouble! It is almost
as if we are tested to see if we are really serious.
Be prepared for a bit of a struggle.
Persevere and you will win.
In a nutshell
Change is always challenged.
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Good Patterns!
So far we have only looked at bad patterns – the “monsters”. Some patterns
are positive.
“Things always work out” patterns: Some people always land on their
feet... Dave’s car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. But a stranger picks
him up, drives him home and then offers him a job.
“I trust people and they treat me well”: Some people trust everyone,
and other people always seem to look after them.
“It’s easy to make money”: Yes, some people have that pattern too!
If you already have these, work on keeping them.
Why Relax?
Have you ever had this experience... you are casually approaching the front
door of your house when suddenly you hear the phone ringing. Quick! Quick!
“Where’s the key?” Now it has literally disappeared from your key ring! You
examine every key twice. You’re losing your eyesight! Eventually you find it.
As you try to shove it in the door, it expands to three times its normal size –
and the hole shrinks.
The key is in but it won’t turn. Now the door is stuck. Somehow you fight
your way inside and just as you get to the phone it stops ringing!
When you get a little bit anxious, nothing works.
If you have ever played softball, soccer, tennis, haven’t you found that you
can throw the goals or hit the ball over the net in practice – and do it
blindfolded? What happens when you get into a match? The net gets
higher, the hoop shrinks.
Why is it that your stomach forgets how to digest your food before a big
examination?
Why does your mind go blank in a big examination?
Whenever you are tense, simple things become difficult. We can explain
it scientifically by looking at your brainwaves! This is fascinating because it
affects everything you will ever do...
Brainwaves
Your brain produces four kinds of waves, or “rhythms” – beta, alpha, theta
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and delta waves. Theta and delta waves are strongest when you are asleep or
unconscious – so forget about those. It’s the beta and alpha that tell the story.
BETA WAVES – When you are stuck halfway across a traffic intersection and
the lights change, and the car stalls, and you hear fifty horns and lots of
swearing, you’re in beta! When you turn over your examination paper and
you realize there’s not one question you can answer – and you have a mental
blank, you’re in beta.
Beta is the brain activity you produce when you are tense or nervous. These
brain rhythms occur at around 14 cycles per second and above.
ALPHA WAVES – Your brain looks like a big walnut. Like a walnut, it has
two halves – or hemispheres – left and right. When you are relaxed, and
producing strong alpha waves, both halves of your brain are working
together. Everything flows. You may be writing an essay, skiing down a
mountain or painting a picture – and everything comes easily.
At times like this you are producing a lot of alpha waves – 7 to 14 cycles
per second. Athletes call it being in “the zone”.
As you relax your physical body, your whole metabolism comes into
balance: your blood pressure drops, your breathing becomes deep and easy,
your digestion works and all your organs work most efficiently. Alpha waves
enable you to perform at your peak. Interestingly, alpha waves will be strong
whenever you are visualizing – playing your mental movies.
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A Relaxation Technique
There are four simple things anyone can do which automatically produce
relaxation in your mind and body:
• Closing your eyes (not too difficult!)
• Deep breathing (also not difficult!)
• Relaxing your body (not difficult with the following exercise).
• Spending time with nature, whether it’s in reality or in your imagination
(also not too difficult).
Now that we know that you perform best when you are relaxed, let’s look
at a simple relaxation technique. It’s similar to any relaxation technique
taught by doctors or sports psychologists the world over. I have taught this to
thousands of people and anyone can do it. You can use this before a speech,
before an examination or a soccer match or just to feel good. It’s also useful
to do this exercise to relax your mind before you play your mental movies.
We use each of the above four steps.
This is a guide only. It doesn’t matter if you vary it a little so don’t get
stressed about it. The idea is to relax!
1. Find yourself a comfortable position in a chair and close your eyes.
Uncross your arms and legs.
2. Take some deep breaths. Breathe in as you count to eight. Breathe out as
you count to eight. Do this about ten times.
3. Imagine the muscles in your face relaxing... As you continue to breathe
deeply and evenly, become aware of all the little muscles around your eyes. Just
bring to mind these muscles while you take a few breaths. Next become aware
of the muscles in your forehead as you continue to breathe deeply and evenly.
As you relax your body you will shift your awareness down your body...
from your forehead to your cheeks, to your mouth, chin, neck, shoulders,
upper arms, forearms, hands, fingers, chest, stomach, pelvis, upper legs,
knees, calves, ankles and finally your feet. (Perhaps you’ll spend five or ten
minutes moving from your head to your feet.)
(NOTE: You don’t need to remember the exact order, and the names of the
body parts as I have written them here. Also, you don’t have to consciously
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tense or relax each part of your body. Just become aware of each area. That area
will automatically relax when you forget about it and move to the next area.)
4. Imagine yourself slowly walking down a staircase of twenty steps... 20,
19, 18 down to 1. Imagine yourself standing at a door. Open the door and
walk out into a beautiful scene from nature.
5. Now start to imagine yourself in a beautiful scene from nature. You
might imagine yourself on a beach or on a mountainside, or by a river or in
a meadow or floating on an iceberg. You might choose a scene that you have
been to, or one that you can imagine.
Different people experience imaginary things in different ways. So it may
be that you will find it easier to hear things, or see things or even taste and
smell things in your imaginary scene. Just go with the flow and stay there for
as long as you choose. You might want to spend ten or twenty minutes in your
peaceful scene. As you relax, you can play whatever mental movies you
choose.
When you are ready to leave your relaxation session, walk back through the
door, up the twenty steps... 1, 2, 3 up to 20 and open your eyes, feeling wide
awake and refreshed.
The more you use this technique, the easier it will be. Why do it sitting in a
chair? Because you will probably fall asleep if you are lying down and the idea
of deep relaxation is not to fall asleep. But if you want, you can also use this
exercise to go to sleep at night.
Your Memory
Your memory works on pictures, not words. Let’s test it.
Read this:
A man is trying to get away from a dog. The dog has the tail of the man’s shirt
in his mouth. The dog appears irritated. The man is slightly amused. The dog has
a white tail, one white foot and one red ear. The shirt is red and white striped. The
man is reaching forward, standing on one leg...
(It might take you fifteen seconds to read this and process the information.)
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Look at this:
(It might take one second to look at the picture and process the
information.)
Guess what! You would remember more from looking at the cartoon for
one second, than you would from reading the words for fifteen seconds.
Your memory processes and recalls pictures better than words! So when
you have important things to remember, it will help you to draw little
diagrams, maps or sketches wherever possible. It doesn’t matter if you don’t
draw well – anything will help.
Let’s look at how you might use pictures to help you remember...
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History: here’s how you might remember that on 20th of the 7th month
1969, the American Neil Armstrong became the first man to walk on the
moon as part of the Apollo 11 mission.
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Affirmations
There’s a trick that you can play on school friends. I hope
that you won’t do it because it’s not very nice...
Your friend Bill appears perfectly healthy, but you
call him over and say, “Bill, what’s the matter?”
And Bill says, “Nothing. Why?”
You say, “You don’t seem yourself! You look sick.”
Next, another friend says, “Bill – you’re looking pale!”
And another friend says... “You look terrible.
Are you sure you’re OK?”
Eventually poor old Bill will start to droop. By lunchtime he will likely
disappear for home. Why? Because we are all open to suggestion. Our
thoughts affect our bodies in ways science doesn’t yet understand. But it’s real.
That’s the negative side of how your mind works. It can also be used in a
positive way, using what we call “affirmations”. An affirmation is a positive
phrase or sentence that you repeat to yourself.
So let’s say you have a splitting headache. You start to tell yourself “My head
feels wonderful”, or “My head feels relaxed and at ease.” As you begin to repeat
this to yourself, you’ll probably have a little voice in the background saying,
“You stupid idiot. You feel terrible!” But stay with it, and the thought that you
are feeling well will take root in your subconscious. Perhaps an hour later you
might say to yourself, “My headache’s gone – is it coincidence?”
Impossible? No. When we feel happy and optimistic, our brain releases lots
of chemicals into the blood stream. These chemicals include endorphins that
are natural pain killers.
One of the pioneers of using affirmations to influence the subconscious was
a Frenchman called Emile Coue. He found early this century that hospital
patients healed faster when they used affirmations. He popularised the
phrase: “Every day in every way I’m getting better and better and better.”
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In a nutshell
In the past you might have asked yourself, “Why do I cop all the lousy stuff
and other people have a great life?” It’s not because God, whatever you
conceive him to be, has decided to punish you. But it may be that your
subconscious programs were giving you a hard time!
Nowhere is it written in the stars that anyone has to be a loser. If you have
struggled up until now, you now have some simple strategies – visualization
and affirmations – to improve your life.
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8
Do Some People Really Want to Suffer?
Sometimes. They might figure...
1. “IF I SUFFER I’LL GET SOME SYMPATHY!”
Maybe. But other people’s sympathy only lasts so long. Then
they get tired of your grumpy face and they want to punch it!
2. “If I suffer I’LL GET EVERYONE’S ATTENTION.
THEY CAN ALL WATCH ME STRUGGLE.”
There’s a big difference between getting love and
getting attention. Soap operas are better left on TV.
3. “If I suffer enough GOD WILL GET TIRED OF WATCHING
MY PAIN, AND HE’LL STEP IN AND FIX MY LIFE!”
Don’t hold your breath!
Happiness
Sickness
S
ometimes people control everyone around them by being sick.
Why would you do that? Let’s say your friends and family
usually ignore you. Then you get sick and suddenly they are
all bringing food, medicine, videos, flowers and chocolates to your
bedside. Suddenly the whole family is NICE to you! You don’t have
to help around the house. You get to miss school.
Then you get better, and suddenly it’s “Frank, get off your
backside and clean up your room!” Being sick seems pretty good,
doesn’t it?
You say, “But can you decide to be sick?”
Well, at the very least you can stretch it out. Or pretend you’re
sick. Also, when you are miserable, your immune system is weak.
So you fall sick more often.
You’ll also notice that people who feel ignored or unloved or
helpless get sick more often. This seems to be how they control others
and get their own way.
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While being sick is a way to control other people, there are better ways to
get what you want.
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In a nutshell
Look for reasons to be happy and you will find them. Look for reasons to
be unhappy and you will find them. You find what you look for.
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In a nutshell
Your attitude is more important than the facts!
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EXAMPLE: Jane believes that people are basically friendly. Jane takes a
vacation to Spain. What kind of people will she find in Spain? Friendly
people! Wherever people are having fun, she’ll find them!
Bright and happy people find mostly bright and happy people. People
who always have a good time expect to have a good time.
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Secondly, how much you worry makes no difference. (You might want to
share this information with your parents!) If you want to take some action to
fix a problem, wonderful! But sitting around fearing the worst – and telling
everyone how worried you are – achieves nothing.
Fred says, “Of course I worry. I can’t help what I think!” If you can’t help
what you think, Fred, who can?
If you’re a worrier, here’s one strategy for controlling worry:
Make a worry list. Anything you want to worry about you write on your
worry list... e.g. “Will I pass my exams?”, “Does my boyfriend love me?”, “Is
my nose too big?”... All go on your list.
Now you set yourself a time, say, three o’clock on Saturday, when you will worry
about everything on the list. Until then you get on with enjoying your life.
Then when three o’clock Saturday rolls around, you’ve got two options -
a) you can sit down and worry about everything that’s on the list... and you’ll
save time because half of the things you were going to worry about will have
already happened, or
b) you can rip up the list and go to the movies. I’m serious!
It’s your mind – and you can reschedule worry. You choose what you think.
Who decides what you think about, if not you?
One more thing to remember – your mind is not a vacuum. If you want to
get worry out, you have to replace it with something. Worries will force their
way in unless you do something. You can say affirmations (see chapter 7), say
prayers, plan a strategy...
The best solution is to take action. Fix the problem.
We’ve been conditioned to believe that “responsible people worry, good
parents worry”.
Responsible people take action – but worry is destructive. It ruins your
health and it makes you bad company!
In a nutshell
When you take no action, and when you allow your mind to drift from the
present into the future, that is when fear will come and grab you by the throat.
Mark Twain once said, “I’ve been through some terrible things, some of which
actually happened!”
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We Choose Happiness
Some people are mostly happy and some people are never happy. The fact is:
we choose happiness in spite of our problems.
Have you ever:
• had an argument with your girlfriend?
• failed a test?
• been grounded by your parents?
• been sick?
• been let down by a friend?
Did you ever need money but your parents wouldn’t give you any?
Did you ever lose a friend or a relative?
Did you ever do all the work and someone else got the credit?
These things happen to all of us, right? And when they happen, a lot of
people say “This is going to ruin my day/week/year” – and it does.
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But the happiest people say, “Whatever crazy stuff is going on in my life,
I’m determined to be happy anyway.”
Happiness is an act of will. You achieve it by taking control of your
thoughts. It’s your mind. You decide what you think about.
I remember waiting for my life to get easier. I thought, “When I have less
problems, then I’ll be happy!” Then I noticed something fascinating. The
happiest people I knew had more problems than I did!
Maybe you have noticed the same thing – that people who seem to be
the happiest have usually had the toughest lives. They have lost family
members, they have lost money, they have suffered major illnesses – and most
likely, they still have big problems! But they are happy because at some point
they decided “happy” is the only way to live.
Happiness doesn’t just happen to you, like some “accident”. It is something
you choose.
I was recently chatting on radio in Cleveland, Ohio, with a lady called Rena.
Rena said to me, “I just got divorced, I am currently being sued, my house just
burned down and now my doctors tell me that my cancer has returned for the
third time.” But she said, “You know, amongst all this, I am happy!”
Rena was saying, “You don’t find happiness in the absence of problems, you
find it in spite of your problems!” You choose it.
In a nutshell
You make the choice to be happy first. Happiness is a daily decision.
“Why?” or “What?”
How do you deal with disappointment?
Maybe you try out for the basketball team and you get cut. You apply for a
job and you get over-looked. You get a new bike and it’s stolen within a week,
you fall in love with the guy next door and he falls in love with the girl across
the street.
You might ask questions like...
“Why me?”
“Why now?”
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In a nutshell
Pretend that every event in your life has a purpose and your disappointments
will have a purpose. Every “disaster” in your life is not so much “a disaster”
as a situation waiting for you to change your mind about it.
We are not here to be punished. We are here to be educated.
In a nutshell
If you are serious about being happy, at some stage
you’ll need to feel thankfulness. If you say: “When my
life gets better, then I’ll be grateful”, you never will be!
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9
Laws of Life
W
hen I was ten, my most prized possession was my
football. I ate with it, slept with it and I polished it
weekly... instead of my shoes. I knew all about football – but
on some other things, like where babies came from, I was a little hazy.
One afternoon I was playing in the street and I lost my precious
ball. I looked everywhere. I figured someone had stolen it.
Eventually I spotted a woman who seemed to be hiding it under
her jacket. So I marched up and asked her: “What do you think
you’re doing with my football stuck up your shirt?”
It turned out that she didn’t have my football – but that
afternoon I learned where babies come from – and what a woman
looks like when she is nine months pregnant.
Later that day, I also found my ball.
What fascinated me most of all, was why, before the age of ten,
I had never noticed a pregnant woman... and why, from then
onward, I seemed to be surrounded by them.
In a nutshell
We reach points in our lives when we are ready for new
information. Until then, something can be staring us in the face
but we don’t see it.
Natural Laws
If you take an elevator ride to the top of the tallest building in
town, then sneak out onto the roof and step off, what will happen?
You will experience gravity!
What if you don’t believe in gravity? Will you fall?
What if you sneak onto the roof at 3.00am and step off?
Will you still fall?
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(patience), and then you pick your beans. Effort + patience = results.
Sometimes we forget this principle. We ask, “If I plant beans today, what
will I get back tomorrow?” And the answer is, “Wet bean seeds.” The law
of the seed says, “You plant today and you harvest... later!” Plant beans
now, pick beans in four months.
Fred says, “If I enjoyed school, then I would really work hard, but I don’t
like it so I don’t work.” Wrong, Fred! You only start to enjoy it AFTER you
put in the work. That’s when you start to feel good about it.
Effort first, harvest second. It’s a principle.
Mary says, “Promote me, and then I’ll quit sleeping on the job.” Frank
says, “Pay me more and I’ll stop being sick.” Jane says, “If I had a good
relationship, I would be nice to my boyfriend.” Wrong way around. We
need the effort first.
When we understand the “Law of the Seed”, we don’t get so disappointed.
We stop feeling like victims.
Laws of nature are not things to take personally. We just need to
understand them – and work with them.
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to look smart, so they pretend they never do any work. Don’t believe it.
In a nutshell
Want better results?
Raise your effort.
Waves
Life happens in waves. You
know about sound waves, light
waves, brain waves, microwaves. In nonscientific terms, waves demonstrate
that things have a tendency to travel in bunches.
This means family crises, invitations to birthday parties, car repair bills
and homework assignments also tend to travel in bunches. If you
remember this, you don’t get so stressed. You can plan ahead. When you
strike a month without bills, you say to yourself, “I’ll put something aside
for the next wave.”
When you get swamped by the next wave, you say to yourself, “I know
about these waves – this is only temporary.”
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In a nutshell
Life rewards effort, not excuses.
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Everything Is Connected!
Have you noticed that whenever you exercise regularly, you feel like eating
healthier food?
Have you noticed that when you eat healthier food, you have more
energy – so you feel like exercising more?
Everything in life is connected.
The way you think affects the way you feel.
The way you feel affects the way you walk.
The way you walk affects the way you talk.
The way you talk affects the way you think.
Effort you put into one part of your life affects all the other parts.
When you work a little harder at school, you feel a little happier at home.
When you are getting on better at home, you feel happier at school.
So what does all this mean? Everything is connected and everything
affects everything else.
This means:
1. That to improve your life you can start on ANY positive path. You might
start with a savings plan, a goal list or a fitness program. That positive path
will lead to other positive results because everything is connected.
2. It doesn’t matter WHERE you start to put more effort into your life. It
matters THAT you start.
3. It works both ways! If you let one part of your life collapse, everything will
begin to spiral downward. This keeps us paying attention!
In a nutshell
When you put some effort into one part of your life, you feel better in the
other parts. Everything you do matters!
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distance apart. It’s in the angle of the nose. It’s in the shape of the mouth
and getting the particular curve of the lips. And there’s the skin tone, the
shape and tilt of the head, the expression....
Which makes painting like playing a round of golf – a thousand things
matter...
To hit just one good shot, you picture it in your mind, you bend your
knees, keep your head still, relax your grip, take a smooth swing, forget this
morning’s argument with your girlfriend, relax your body, choose the right
club, watch the ball.
Which makes golfing like managing a restaurant...
A thousand things make it work... clean bathrooms, good location,
interesting menu, a clean kitchen, friendly staff, quality ingredients. And
some weeks it will still lose money!
Success at anything is not the result of doing one big thing “right”. It is
the sum total of doing hundreds of things as well as you can, consistently
and repeatedly.
Improvement is the result of getting better at each little thing.
Losers hope that a lucky break is someday going to change their lives.
Winners know that consistent effort in all the little things, every day,
changes your life.
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In a nutshell
The secret is... there’s no secret.
Discipline
Have the discipline to do little things you don’t like, and you can spend your
life doing the big things you do like.
Discipline is not everyone’s favourite word. In popularity, it probably slots
somewhere between dentist and diarrhea. But self-discipline makes all the
difference. Life is a trade-off between instant pleasure and long term reward.
Self-discipline in the little things – studying instead of TV – leads to a big
thing – better results.
Self-discipline in the little things – three sessions a week at the gym – leads
to a big thing – a healthier life.
Self-discipline in the little things – saving five dollars a day instead of
blowing it on junk food – leads to a big thing – your own car.
The key to self-discipline is knowing WHY you want something. If you
have a target and something to save for, it’s easier to save. If you are clear
about why you want to improve your results, it’s easier to study.
Something else about discipline: when you are self-disciplined, you don’t
need to get discipline from anywhere else. As a result, you run your own life
and people don’t tell you what to do.
When you don’t have self-discipline, you get it from outside. People who
can’t discipline themselves often slot into jobs where they take orders.
People who have absolutely no self-discipline, get themselves locked up!
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then? The frog’s relaxing, and a few minutes later he says to himself: “It
seems warm in here.” Soon enough, you have a cooked frog.
The moral of the story? When change is gradual, the frog doesn’t notice
what is happening until it’s too late. Like the frog, we can also be fooled,
and suddenly it’s too late!
QUESTION – If you woke tomorrow 40 pounds heavier, would you be
worried? Sure you would! You would be calling the hospital: “Emergency!
I’m fat!” But when things happen gradually, a pound this month, a pound
next month, we tend to let it go. Suddenly you are 40 pounds heavier.
When you overspend on your budget by ten dollars in one day, it’s no big
deal. But if you do it again tomorrow, and the next day, and the next, you
end up broke. For people who go broke, put on weight, fail their exams, it
usually isn’t one big disaster – it’s a bit today and a bit tomorrow – and then
one day “Kaboom!” – and they say: “What happened?”
Little things add up to big things – like the drops of water that wear away
the rock. The frog principle is telling us to watch the trends. Each day, we
ask ourselves: “Where am I heading? Am I fitter, healthier, happier, more
prosperous than I was last year?” If not, we need to change what we’re doing.
In a nutshell
Here’s the scary thing – there’s no standing still. You’re either gaining or
slipping.
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“Say Brad, did I ever tell you ‘bout the time I nearly sprained my ankle?”
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10
Your Strategy
I
magine you are sitting in a jumbo somewhere over Europe,
and an engine falls off the wing. How would you want the
pilot to react? Would you want your captain saying: “Stay
calm and buckle up! This will be bumpy but we’ll find a way
home?”
Or would you want your captain running up and down the aisle
yelling: “We’ll all be killed! We’ll all be killed!”? Which fellow is
more likely to get you down safely?
Now think about your everyday life in which you are your own
pilot. Which approach is most likely to solve your problems: “We’ll
find a way”, or “We’ll all be killed?” This is the essence of positive
thinking. It doesn’t offer guarantees, but it gives you your best
chance.
Losers focus on what’s difficult until all they see are problems.
Positive thinkers think about what’s possible. In concentrating on
the possibilities, they make things happen.
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Substitute the word “will” for “try”. “I will do it”, “I will be there”, “I will
pass chemistry”.
Another word that we often use dishonestly is “can’t”.
Let’s say you haven’t learned to swim yet. Someone asks, “Can you swim?”
Better to say, “Not yet!” No doubt you could swim when you take the time.
To say “I can’t” suggests the condition is permanent – which is not true.
Am I getting too technical? No. The words you use give messages to your
subconscious. They tell the story, “Am I in control?” or “Am I out of
control?”
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Healthy rivers flush themselves out. Trees drop old leaves and fruit. Your
body feels better when you clean it out. So does your bedroom.
We can learn from nature. Nature keeps what is essential and gets rid of
the garbage. It’s called organization.
If you want to feel better about your life, your studies, get organised. Clean
up your desk, organize your books, your folders. You might say, “My desk is
a mess, but it’s an organized mess. I am actually very efficient!” Oh really!
How would you feel about being
wheeled into an operating theater
for brain surgery, to find the medical
team standing amongst piles of old
needles, bandages, old bottles and
hamburger wrappings. The head surgeon says,
“Relax, it’s a mess in here but we’re in total control!”
Wherever performance counts, there is
organization. Firemen always know where
to find their helmets, ambulance drivers
have one spot for car keys.
When you clean up, set small goals.
Rather than say, “I’m going to clean the
whole room”, aim to do one cupboard.
Then tackle another cupboard.
Build momentum.
The hardest bit is starting.
Ask People!
When you were four years
old, you were very good at
asking. “Mom can I have
an ice cream?” “Dad will
you buy me a water pistol?”
You are probably still very
good at asking your parents
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In a nutshell
If you don’t ask, you don’t get.
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In a nutshell
Life works best when we take control of the situation. If you have made a
bad mistake, tell people before they find out.
Power
If you have ever swung a bat or kicked a goal, you know that sport can be
great fun. And what you learn at the ping pong table, on the badminton
court, on the ski slopes, you can apply to the rest of your life. For example:
Keep your cool. Getting angry never works. Have you ever seen a tennis
player get angry? He’s history. What about irate boxers and race car drivers?
Dead meat! The same goes for parents and school teachers.
Don’t hate your opponent – lift your performance! Hating things and
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In a nutshell
Play some sport – not for the trophies you get, but for the lessons you
can learn.
When to Quit?
Imagine you’ve started learning piano – and already you are thinking: “This
is too hard. Maybe I’ll learn the triangle...” Or maybe you’ve begun a physics
class and you can’t believe how complicated it is! You ask yourself, “Is it time
to quit and look for something easier?”
No! The best time to quit is AFTER YOU’VE SUCCEEDED! Why? Because,
success is more about persistence than talent.
With practice you can probably do most things quite well – maybe not
like an expert, but reasonably well. And you don’t know how much fun
something is until you can do it reasonably well.
Until you can play a dozen songs on your piano, you’ll never know the thrill
of making music. Until you have passed a physics class, you don’t know how
good it feels.
Of course, sometimes you try something and it’s obvious, “This was a really
dumb idea!” But otherwise, it’s all about persistence.
When you finish whatever you start, two things happen:
1. You consider carefully before starting something, and
2. You develop a success habit.
Set a fair target, achieve it, and then decide if you’ll quit. It’s amazing how
a little success can change your mind!
Ants
We can learn a lot from ANTS!
Find an ant that’s going about his business, and put
your foot in his way! What will he do? He’ll try getting
under it, he’ll try getting over it, he’ll try going
through it. How long will he try? Until he dies!
Now that’s determination: try until you die!
In a nutshell
You are never beaten until you quit.
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11
Did this ever happen to you?
You visit a friend and ask, “What are you doing today?”
And they say, “Nothin”
And you say, “What did you do yesterday?”
And they say, “Nothin”
And you say, “Well, what do you plan
to do with the rest of your life?”
And they say, “Beats me.”
W
hat is it like spending time around people like that?
Boring! You feel like slapping them around the head –
or throwing a bucket of cold water over them.
Interesting people are going places. They are excited. If you want
to spend your whole life just floating about, you might as well
be an ameba. It’s possible to spend your life doing nothing and
going nowhere – but you bore yourself and everybody around you
to death!
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When you set yourself a goal to learn the guitar or compete in a triathlon,
when you set a goal to get a degree or a promotion, or to learn French,
you arrive at your goal a different person from the one that started.
That’s what “goals” are really about – what they make of us in the process
of achieving them. That’s why we bother.
Your friends don’t always understand this idea! So you may set yourself a
goal – maybe a fitness goal or an academic goal or personal goal – and
your friends say, “Why bother?” “What are you trying to prove?”
They may say, “It’s too hard!” “It takes too much time.” “You might fail!”
“It’s easier to stay in bed!”
This may all be true. That’s why you’ll feel so good when you reach your
goal!
In a nutshell
We set goals not for what we GET, but for what we BECOME.
It’s OK to Be Wrong
Let’s say you try out for the lead in the school play, and you discover you
don’t like acting. That’s terrific. You’ve discovered something more about
yourself. Tick it off the list. Now you can say, “Forget Hollywood!” How else
would you know but by trying?
Imagine you begin a law degree and don’t like it. That’s OK. (I know – I
started law and hated it!) How else could you know but by trying?
You become happy and prosperous by doing lots of things, making
plenty of mistakes, and taking the time to learn from things that didn’t
work.
In school we learn to fear mistakes. The goal is, “Make as few mistakes
as possible and you’ll be at the top of the class.” This works for
examinations. It doesn’t work as well for life in general.
We learn more from mistakes. When we win, we usually celebrate. Often
we get cocky.
Blunders and disappointments hurt so much, we go away and think
about them. We get serious. When we fail, we go to work. We try harder, we
come back stronger. We surprise the competition.
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The question is, “Does failure make you bitter or does it make you better?”
“People Don’t
Encourage Me!”
Maybe people don’t encourage
you. Maybe people don’t
believe in you. It happens
to the best of us!
The most popular singer
in history...
In 1954 Elvis Presley gave
one performance at the Grand
Ole Opry – and then was fired by
the manager, Jimmy Denny.
Denny told Presley, “You ain’t
goin’ nowhere, son. Go back
to drivin’ a truck.”
What if Elvis had said, “I quit”?
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What if...
Perhaps you had the idea that great students, top actors, famous singers
and top athletes succeed because they are lucky. Wrong!
They make it because they want it more than anybody else.
I’ll repeat that – They succeed because they want it more than
anybody else.
In a nutshell
Luck is never enough.
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“But Circumstances
Are Against Me!”
In 2001, Oprah Winfrey was
crowned by Forbes Magazine as
the world’s highest paid
entertainer. But she didn’t start
out that way!
She was born to teenage
parents in extreme poverty. As
a child she was sexually
abused by male relatives. She
spent her teens in and out
of trouble. At 14 she gave birth
to a premature baby who died
soon after. She used drugs. For
much of her life she has been
overweight.
Her first job at nineteen was
with a little radio station in
Nashville. With study, hard work
and belief in herself, she became an
international phenomenon. She heads
a huge corporation, she owns her own
studio and directs movies. She won an Oscar
nomination for Best Supporting Actress in
“The Color Purple”. She also makes enormous
contributions to charities in time, effort and money.
She is one of the world’s most powerful people – and she has also had the
courage to tell her story.
There is a pattern amongst people who achieve their dreams. They often
start from a long way behind. You find sickly asthmatics who became
champion athletes, you find multi-millionaires who began with nothing.
You find a thousand stories of illiterate immigrants who became college
professors and company presidents.
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When the odds are stacked against you, you develop a mental toughness.
If you’ve had it tough until now, you have an advantage! The strength you
developed just to survive is your secret weapon.
In a nutshell
No one gets anything that easy.
There’s always a story
behind the story.
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Do you think your progress would follow the path of the wavy line or the
straight line?
You can bet it’s the wavy line.
Any progress consists of ups and downs. Watch a tree grow. It grows some
leaves and along comes a storm and blows some away. It grows more leaves
and along comes a storm and blows some away. Watch the stock markets or
the tides at the beach. There are ups and downs. You’ll have ups and downs.
But keep up your effort and you’ll get to where you’re going.
Quitters don’t understand this. They figure that progress should all be one
way – up. As soon as they start to slide a little, they think the game is over,
and they give up.
Understand the progress principle and etch it in your mind. It might
change your life.
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In a nutshell
You get the energy and the enthusiasm for the job after you begin. You get
the energy as a result of your involvement. The secret is to make a start.
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Money
If you want to get fit, you need a plan –
you have to run and work out every day.
If you want good grades you need a
plan – you need to do some study every day.
If you want money you need a plan –
you need to save a little every day.
You don’t save money by accident.
You need a goal and you need
a strategy.
To accumulate money for
the things you want in life,
remember this:
Save first, and
spend what’s left.
Poor people do the opposite.
Poor people spend first and save
what’s left – which is usually nothing!
Quentin Kenihan
Twelve years ago in a restaurant in Adelaide, Australia, I met thirteen year-
old Quentin Kenihan. He was confined to a wheelchair and his tiny body
was the size of a three-year-old.
His father Geoff told me, “Quentin suffers from a rare bone disease,
osteogenesis-imperfecta. His body is so fragile that he has had 300 broken
bones since birth. He has spent half his life in hospital.” Geoff said, “We had
steel rods put in his legs to try and help him walk. But his muscles are too
weak to support him.”
I remember wondering, “What is this kid going to do with his life?”
Now 26, Quentin would still be three feet tall – but he is unable to stand.
In the last 12 years he has broken 328 more bones – about every bone in
his body except his neck. He gets more pain in a week than most people get
in a lifetime. He was also run over by a car in 1999.
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In a nutshell
Says Quentin,
“The more time
you sit around the
house and bitch
about “why not”,
the less time you
spend going out
and doing it.”
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12
Why Not You?
In a nutshell
Nobody is born with special permission to be happy – or successful.
God doesn’t come down from a cloud and say: “Now is your time!”
He doesn’t say: “You can”, or “You can’t.” YOU DO!
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ISBN: 0-646-31066-6
“BEING HAPPY!”
Over 1 million copies sold in
50 countries in 18 languages.
It’s about:
• understanding yourself
• forgiving yourself
• being able to laugh at yourself
• why some people always seem
to be in the right place at the
right time – and how you can
be one of them.
ISBN: 981-00-0664-0
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“MAKING FRIENDS”
Andrew’s best
selling book about:
• relationships
• dealing with anger
• being able to say “No”
• enjoying people.
ISBN: 981-00-1953-X
“HAPPINESS IN A NUTSHELL”
ISBN: 0-9577572-6-3
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READERS’ COMMENTS
“Writing a book on teenagers for teenagers is a challenging task. In his
book, Andrew identified their problems and tackled them with humour.
He offered positive and practical solutions. I am very happy that the
book is now accessible to Thai readers.”
ABHISIT VEJJAJIVA
Member of Parliament, Democrat Party, THAILAND
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READERS’ COMMENTS
“BEING A HAPPY TEEN is vital for every child growing up in
today’s rapidly changing world. Its infinite wisdom is more
valuable to a child than knowledge learnt from a textbook.”
CAT RIGBY
Port Douglas, Australia
This stuff is the real stuff. What is more important, the teenagers enjoy
it. My class spends a year going through the book from cover to cover.
MATT JOLLY
Queensland, Australia
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