SO INTO YOU

My chest felt tight, my head felt heavy. It was hard to look up the street. I kept stepping
while crouching, staring holes and gravels on it without bumping into anything. I was
very familiar what I had to go through to reach the great river bridge. Oh God, no one
knew how much I wished I would not find any single figure I ever knew there later.
Who was I fooling? Of course, Pieter had been there since long minutes ago, leaning
on the side of bridge as usual.

He always came early. His mind was wandering to the things I did not want to imagine
at all. He had been honest with me once about his fantasy at the bridge, the things that
made me much more uncomfortable than if I had to see two lovers making out with
unstoppable lust and passion in front of my eyes. Yes, I admitted that I knew and ever
wanted to be involved in the realization of that fantasy, but now what I imagined was
that I did have no obligation to meet that half-Dutch young man as I had promised.

He waited for a meet and chat, and maybe it could proceed with hanging out like we’d
done for one or two times, but all I was going to do was telling him what others wanted
me to say. Oh God, I thought I would not be able to face any reaction from him. I even
wanted the ground to swallow me at that moment, when his damn sharp senses noticed
me even when the distance between us was still quite far away. Pieter hastily changed
his position, he stood up and smiled. Not as usual, his warm smile made me suffer at
the time.

“Good afternoon Aldera,” he greeted as usual. I never got used to, my heart was always
flowered every time I heard him saying it. My name sounded different -like more
precisely- it was much more meaningful when it slid from his thin lips. My world which
was actually a real boring urban, my seasons which were only dry and rainy, changed
instantly. Good afternoon from him made the afternoon looked brighter and felt more
cheerful, as I spent a lovely afternoon in the spring when the flowers were blooming.
Immediately, all the beautiful flowers were burned and disappeared, suddenly struck
by cruel lightning and heavy rain fell thereafter flushed the remnants of my flower
garden that used to be beautiful.

I reciprocated his greeting with a tasteless one. As usual, Pieter tried to get me to talk
about my family, school, about myself. Most of my answers were just yes and no, but
he did not seem to care, made me barely able to be there any longer. My heart screamed
at the top of its lung (if only it had lung) to tell him that something had happened and
he should not be that casual. His attitude just made it more difficult to me to imagine
how to tell him. But, it could not go on indefinitely.

“And Tin–”

“Piete!”

Pieter seemed a little surprised. I understood, that was the first time I voiced his name
so firmly. I did not even remember when I ever mentioned his name. He was the one
who always called and tried to find me. A moment later he looked sort of happy. Pieter
invited me to express what I meant to say first. Where did I begin? I did not know. I
felt like to back off. Escape and return to home. “Tin, what’s wrong with you?”

But the shadows of people in the house began to haunt me. Eang¹ who was angry,
shouted from his rocking chair cursing the Dutch people and their descendants. Bapak²
and Ibu³ who forced me smoothly to deny the rumors from some neighbors about the
forbidden relationship between me and a (half) Dutch young man by receiving Arya’s
propose, just like it was the only way. My sister, who advised me to take a safe course
by following my parents’ advice. Pon, my best friend, who sadly told me I should be
subordinating my heart. I took a deep breath.
“I want to get married.”

“What?” I saw he was instantly overwhelmed by feelings between happy and confused
for a reason.

“We’re still too young, Aldera.”

“Too young? My age is 16.”

“Yes, 16 years old is too young,”

“No, if you were a indigenous.”

Pieter was a little hurt. I know it was a bit outrageous and offensive, but I had no other
choice. I was too weak to take any other choice than to make him angry with the ancient
issues. But apparently he was not moved. He felt no need to discuss it at all. I could not
give up.

“My grandmother was married at the age of 13, my mother was 15 at her time. Likewise
with other mothers.”

“But you are different than the others, Tin. You are a smart girl, you are still young and
very beautiful. You can be anything you want, besides just dandle and cooking in the
kitchen.”
“You– ”

“Don’t misunderstand, Tin. I don’t disrespect the women around you. You must know
that my mother is skinned the same as your mother. It’s not that I don’t want to marry
you. Trust me, it becomes my goal, but there are still many things we can accomplish
in the future. We’re still so young. Moreover, more things we have to prepare for that
day, I mean, about your family, my family, and– ”
“Pieter! I’m going to get married, with another man.”

His expression was indescribable. I regretted that I did not close my eyes at the
moment. He froze for a moment, then started to say something, but he undo it. I would
not be able to imagine before, a cheerful and witty Pieter who always had a thousand
reasons to meet and talk to me to be silent like this. But the fact was clear in front of
me and it made me even sadder and felt so guilty. If I had another choice, besides
having to confirm that he was not allowed to get close to me anymore.

“Next month,” I said, “he is an Eang’s grandson friend. His name is Arya. We have
met and agreed on some things.”

“Do you love him, Tin?” Pieter looked straight into my eyes. I was so much confused.
It was so sudden, never existed in the graffiti scenarios in my head.
“I–”

“You don’t love him.” he said quickly. I almost gave up, but I have had not lost any
sense.
“Arya is a good guy,” I began, “he’s polite, educated, come from a good family,”

“I’m not asking that–”

“A indigenous and we have the same faith.”

His face was flushed, obviously he was so offended. Then, as being sarcastic, he
wondered aloud why all of the reasons were important to ME. For him, love is above
everything. He said, marriage without love was a ridiculous choice that ever existed in
this world. I could not argue with him properly, because my heart nodded (if only it
had head) to every single thing he said. But I had to do something.
“You know nothing about my heart, Pieter.” I said.

“I know, Aldera. I know you feel what I feel.”

“You’re too confident!”Pieter smiled.

“Then you know my feelings, right?”

I was silent. “Like I said, Arya and I have met. I admire him, he’s so–”

Pieter smirked. I really hate him at the moment, but what I fought, my own heart?

“I know you love me, too.”

“No!” I turned my face.

“So, why did you tell me about this?”

“Just because I want you to come on my wedding day later, as other school friends of
ours, which also I’ll invite.” I replied flatly.

Pieter smirked again. “Are you sure you will be able to see me there?”
I looked at him angrily. Pieter just ignored it and kept talking.

“What do you think I am supposed to do there? Pretending to be happy seeing the girl
I love marrying a guy she doesn’t even know? And congratulate you, then?”
“Pieter.”

“Then what does all this mean, Aldera? You are not the type of -I’m sorry- a b*tch who
is willing to go with any man even if you have no feelings for that man, aren’t you?”
I slapped him on the left cheek. Pieter was not ready for it, but he seemed to have
guessed it was going to happen. He knew that it was too much and I naturally couldn’t
help myself. I thought that was why he could still manage to be patient.

Without thinking, I turned and walked quickly. I told myself to stem my tears at least
until I got home. Pieter tried to call me which I ignored. He was really out of control.
As sadness over the fact that love can be so this bitter was not enough, I must feel so
humiliated by the man whose heart was where I have been putting my heart into.
However, I could hardly get mad of him after all he said somehow. I did not notice
when he began to overtake me, but suddenly he walked beside me while begging me
to stop which I ignored.

“Aldera, please! I’m sorry. I–”

“I said you understand nothing!” I kept walking.

“Which point that I don’t understand, Tin?”

“About us, Pieter.” I said while stopping my step. “You and me. Can’t you just see that
we are too different?!”

“Believe me, it’s more evident in my eyes and my heart, Aldera. I understand a lot
more than anyone in this world.”

“Then why do you keep trying to get close to me?”

“Because I have no power. Of how to get rid of this feeling, Aldera, how to stop loving
you is the thing I never understand. And how to stop being excited and shy away from
the belief that you are the only girl I want to spend the rest of my life together with, is
that I don’t know.”
Immediately I was stunned. I did not think his feeling was that deep, his dream was
that far. He was so serious, anyone would believe the conviction that not only contained
in his words but also seen from his eyes. I could never avoid his gaze. I always admired
the eyes that got me stupefied one day, beautiful light brown eyes, deep and broad as
keeping such a mystery. His eyes were like a gateway to another world I eagerly wanted
to explore without a second thought. I threw my face back before I couldn’t help myself
entering it.

Pieter sighed. “I bet maybe if you love me, too.”

“We’d get through this.”

“Yes.”

I burst into tears. Finally, I was giving up. I realized how naïve and stupid I was. We
both were. I felt cheated by my own feelings, which dispelled any bad possibilities I
would have to face in my head, making me letting myself sink deeper in love filled
with question marks and risks. Pieter was about to wipe my tears, but he hesitated and
undo it. I did not know if he knew how much I appreciated his attitude was, especially
because we were getting older.

He’d never touched me, except once in the class photo session a few months ago. Out
of nowhere, he suddenly appeared and took a place next to me. I noticed a half-Dutch
young man who was 1 of my classmates were there and just normally ignored it. Until
when the photographer gave a cue to all of us to smile, I was surprised to feel someone
holding my hand and instinctively I turned to him and stared at him intently. He looked
at me back and smiled slyly and that was the time the photographer took our picture.

I got mad of him in a few days for each of our classmates having the same picture. I
was too shy to place it in a photo frame and putting it on a table in the living room or
my bed room (there was where I slept with my sister), so I had been keeping the picture
in a secret box of mine instead. Until my mother found it out in her way to investigate
anything related to me. An unnecessary activity, which was pushed by some people
started to consider Pieter and I more than just classmates. An accidentally-taken picture
turned out to be an evident and that was all where everything began.

“Please, stop blaming me, Aldera.” he begged softly.

“I knew from the beginning, your parents certainly would disagree with this, people
around would desperately oppose our relationship. But I thought everything does take
time. I thought in time, everyone will be able to accept it, if they see us happy. Really,
I didn’t expect they would get you betrothed this soon. ”

There was only the sound of my cry for a few seconds afterwards. “But you can cancel
it, Tin.”

“No, Pieter. I can’t,” I said weakly. It was something that really far even from my
wildest dreams. I was more upset because of despair.

Pieter repeated his words, at this time as half-pleading. I really did not expect this. I
thought everything would go smoothly. It was uneasy thing for me to set out to meet
him that day and expressed the reality, but I thought I was going to be able to hold my
emotions, as I thought he would not argue with me so much that I gave up on my own
heart. My thought was I could immediately leave him and forget him. Of course, I
hoped I would not have to see him again after that. Then, he was asking for the
impossibility. I had to end it.

“You will be finding a better woman someday, Pieter. She would be much prettier than
me. A woman with the same faith, and is in the same group with you.”
“I can’t.” he said.

“Sooner or later,” I said, wiping my tears, “you would have forgotten me.”

“I can’t and will never be, Aldera.”

I was about to walk away but he reached my hand quickly. “I won’t forget you!”
I was too weak to do anything but letting him did it. I looked at his arm.

“Why, Pieter.” I asked. “Why do you insist?”

“Because I know my love’s reciprocated. And I will fight for the things I believe in. I
will be everything for you, Aldera, if that is what it takes to be with you forever. I will
do anything,”

I was amazed, but then realized something. He was willing to do anything for me.

“In that case–”

“Anything but not leave you.”

THE END