The Homosexuals

The Homosexuals.
© Philip Dawkins 1
THE HOMOSEXUALS
By Philip Dawkins
Representation:
Polly Hubbard
Abrams Artists Agency
275 Seventh Avenue, 26th Floor
New York, NY 10001
Phone (646) 486-4600 x276
Fax (646) 486-2358
Email: Polly.Hubbard@abramsartny.com
The Homosexuals. © Philip Dawkins 2
Character List
The play begins in 2010 and runs backward until the final scene which takes place in
2000. So, the first scene of the play is the last chronologically. In the first scene of the
play, Evan is 29, almost thirty; in the last scene, he is 20, almost 21. Settings need not be
realistic.
Peter: (48 and 38) An artistic director of a prominent American Regional Theatre.
Overtly and unapologetically flamboyant. If you cut him, he would bleed glitter. At the
end of the play, Peter is in a long term relationship with Mark. At the start of the play, he
is dating Evan.
British Mark: (38 and 31) A lawyer. Best friends with Collin, whom he met while at
University in England (where—it hopefully goes without saying—he is from). British
Mark is dependable without being a martyr, attractive without being a knockout, and kind
without being nice. Incredibly charming and often impulsive.
Michael: (32 and 26) Works at/manages a candy store. Michael has a geek streak
running through him. Definitely the misfit among his clique of gay buddies, he‘s not as
financially secure or professionally driven as the rest. He‘s everyone‘s younger brother.
Quiet, boyish, friendly.
Tam: (32 and 28, female). When we first see her, Tam is a fifth grade teacher at an
inner-city ―at risk‖ school. At the end of the play, she is an Art History professor at the
same university where Mark teaches. We wouldn‘t call her a fag hag . . . not to her face.
She‘s an organizer, a do-er, a shaker, and she can drink you under the table.
Mark: (40 and 38) The chairperson of a small university Art Department. Caustic,
blunt, scathing, icy, but all in an extremely sexy way. Mark wears his militant sexuality
on his sleeve, and he prides himself on being a radical sex-positive activist. We don‘t
know this for a fact, but he‘s probably into leather. At the end of the play, Mark is in a
long term relationship with Peter.
Collin: (31) A lawyer. Best friends with British Mark. Collin has recently lost over 125
pounds, and is celebrating his new found slender self. The glue connecting each member
of his little urban tribe.
Evan Wilder: (30 - 20) A go-getter. A clean cut, smart, attractive, Iowa-bred kid. He‘s
definitely the darling of his circle of gay friends, and relies heavily on them for support,
input, and . . . well, sex. He‘s a trooper, a good friend, and more often than not, more
fragile than he thinks he is.
2010:PETER
[An indoor ice rink. A bench. It‟s mid June. In the distance, the sounds of children
having fun, falling down, freezing their little children butts off. Light, tinny pop music.
Mothers discussing playgroups, bookgroups, and group therapy. There is everywhere the
sound of no fathers.
Seated on the bench, skates off, shoes on: EVAN, 29, attractive, still wrestling with what
it means to dress like someone about to leave his twenties behind him. He checks his
iphone for the time. Puts it back in whatever pouch, pocket, or parcel was designed to
hold it. (This thing is NOT attached to his belt!) He waits.
The cell phone rings, he answers.]
EVAN
I‘m by the pretzel stand. Okay. [Hangs up. He ruffles through a bag and pulls
out a bottle of water, takes a sip.]
[Enter PETER in skates, lumbering inelegantly toward EVAN. He‟s out of breath, out of
shape, and out of his element. He‟s older than EVAN by about fifteen years, and of this
he is keenly aware. He definitely took the theme of ice skating into account when
dressing this morning, which is not to say he‟s in tights and a mini-skirt, but none the
less, his outfit probably frightened a few children on the ice.]
PETER
Jesus Christ, these things are worse than heels! Don‘t get up, I‘m fine. I just need room
to flail gracefully. Evan, darling, would you be a blessing? [He holds out his hand for
EVAN who helps him stumble into the bench.] Ah, thank you. Goddammit these things
hurt. And they‘re not even cute enough to warrant the pain. What is this color? What is
this, Taupe? Oatmeal? Grout? Ugh!! I must remove them before they spread to the rest
of my outfit. [He tries to bend over and unlace them, but he can‟t reach, his jacket is too
puffy.] Ooops. It‘s that goddamn falafel coming back to haunt me. Maybe a sneak
attack from the side. [No go. Can‟t reach.] Ouch. Okay, you know what?—Let‘s just
sit here for a minute and enjoy all of the lovely children slipping on the ice. [Beat.] God,
those pretzels smell good. Did you get one? [EVAN shakes his head.] I would not say no
to a pretzel right now. Jesus, I am sweating like a fisted midget. Do you see this?
Honestly, how does a body perspire while surrounded by nothing but ice? I swear, I‘m
entering Manopause. [Beat.] Thank you for picking up the phone by the way.
EVAN
Sure. Why wouldn‘t I?
PETER
You know how sometimes you do that thing where I call and you don‘t answer? You
know how you do that thing? I was worried you might do that thing.
EVAN
I didn‘t.
PETER
And thank god. Otherwise I‘d still be spinning around in circles on that slush they‘re
trying to pass off as ice. Honestly, it‘s like skating on cake. I saw one little girl trip, and
when she hit the surface, she disappeared. Baby, were you able to find me a paper?
EVAN
Oh, yeah. [Pulling an unread paper out of his bag.] I forgot.
PETER
Yay, the paper. Thank you, darling. Let‘s see. [Rifling through the paper.] Bullshit.
Bullshit. No one cares. Bullshit. Pretty, but bullshit. Ah! Well, there it is. In front of
God and everybody.
EVAN
What?
PETER
[Putting the paper down in his lap and breaking the horrible news to Evan with grave
sincerity.] Evan, I need you to listen very carefully because I don‘t think I can say this
more than once: Catherine Zeta-Jones has a Tony.
EVAN
Jesus, Peter, I thought you were going to tell me another pipeline burst or something.
PETER
Forget the pipeline. Your boyfriend may burst! Evan, Catherine Zeta-Jones. For
singing.
EVAN
I like Catherine Zeta-Jones.
PETER
Of course you do. You‘re young and you‘re tone deaf.
EVAN
If all you wanted were the Tony results, why did you make me buy the paper?
PETER
I knew the results, I needed to see them in print.
EVAN
[Pulling out his phone.] I could have just looked it up on my iphone—
PETER
Keep that thing in your pants! We are in public. Besides, when it comes to bad news, I
prefer that a tree should die.
EVAN
Peter, you‘re reading a paper with a front page announcing the deadliest month in nine
years for the soldiers in Afghanistan, and you‘re upset about theater? Don‘t you think
that‘s a little … narrow?
PETER
It‘s all of a piece, darling. See, that‘s what the computer savvy greasers and socs of your
generation don‘t seem to understand. You flock to the interwebs for your fingerling
snippets of news, and you call that ―being informed.‖ But, you whiz right past all the
other awful shit that exists in the day‘s news. Now, me? I see all the awful. I hold it in
my goddamn lap. Little awful smudges of it come off on my fingers. This paper is not a
news bite, it is a news sandwich, an awful news sandwich made on awful bread with
awful meat, awful lettuce, and sale-at-Pennies dijonaise. No page of this awful paper
could have been possible without the inclusion of every other awful page, and it is
nothing but farce to believe otherwise. So you see, dear, it isn‘t that I‘m narrow, it‘s that
I am concerned about everything via a very specific entry point.
EVAN
Fine.
PETER
[Picking up the paper and forcing himself to stare the bad news in the face once more.]
Oh well. I suppose it could be worse -- god, remember when Best Musical went to
CONTACT?
EVAN
Was that the one without the---?
PETER
I don‟t want to talk about it! Well, if this means my theatre gets to revive A Little Night
Music next season, at least some good will have come from this tragedy. I‘m starving.
Do you want a pretzel? I want a pretzel. Let‘s get pretzels.
EVAN
I‘m fine.
PETER
Okay then. We won‘t get pretzels. [Beat.] Oh, I would give my remaining testicle for
some vodka right now. Why didn‘t we think to bring vodka?
EVAN
We did. You drank it on the train.
PETER
Why didn‘t we think to bring more? [They sit and watch the children skate.] Kids are
cute. Let‘s never have any.
EVAN
You mean together, or . . .? I like kids.
PETER
Of course you do. You‘re still a kid yourself.
EVAN
No, I‘m not.
PETER
No, you‘re not. Not anymore. When I met you / however---
EVAN
I wasn‘t a kid.
PETER
--running around in that silly little baseball cap.
EVAN
You loved that hat.
PETER
Of course I did, it was fucking sexy! You should wear it more often.
EVAN
I lost it.
PETER
Evan, that was your lucky hat! You wore it everywhere.
EVAN
Doesn‘t matter. I grew out of it anyway.
PETER
Yes you did. [Beat.] You can‘t wait to get out of here, can you?
EVAN
We came here to skate. We skated.
PETER
Yes. We came here to skate. And we skated. Both true things.
EVAN
I have to use the restroom.
PETER
Alright. [Neither moves.] Evan.
EVAN
What?
PETER
Were you planning on breaking up with me here, or were you going to wait until we got
home?
[Beat.]
EVAN
Where would you prefer it?
PETER
Uh, that‘d have to be in the butt, Bob.
EVAN
Be serious.
PETER
I am.
EVAN
We can do it here. We can do it at your place. I don‘t know, it‘s up to you.
PETER
Well, that all depends. Do you care if I make a terrible scene?
EVAN
Do you care if I pretend not to know you?
PETER
Yes. Very much. [Suddenly, EVAN, maybe a little surprised at himself, begins to weep.]
Oh no, honey. Don‘t do that. Don‘t cry. You‘re not heart broken. This isn‘t Chekhov.
EVAN
I don‘t know why I‘m crying.
PETER
Well, if there‘s a gay on the stage in act one, he‘d better go off in act two.
EVAN
Stop it, Peter.
PETER
What?
EVAN
I‘m sad, okay? I‘m crying. I‘m having this very human thing, and you‘re laughing at
me.
PETER
I would never laugh at you. Not while I‘m hobbled and can‘t run away.
EVAN
See? There you go again.
PETER
What?
EVEN
I‘m trying to say something meaningful, Peter!
PETER
No, you‘re making a scene. And we both know that‘s my job.
EVAN
I thought … I thought I could make this work, you know? I thought I could make us--- if
I just gave it time. --- I‘m sorry.
PETER
Listen to me. You can whimper. You can carry on. I‘ll even let you faint. But please
don‘t be so MGM as to say you‘re sorry. Not to me. And certainly not in public. The
breeders may hear you, and I do not want their pity. Got it?
EVAN
[He nods. …] How long have you known I wanted to break up with you?
PETER
How long have you wanted to break up with me?
EVEA
About two months.
PETER
I knew the day before that.
EVAN
Fair enough.
PETER
Oh, fair enough! Remember? Our favorite drag name. Do the thing.
EVAN
I don‘t feel like it.
PETER
Oh do it do it, come on.
EVAN
No, I don‘t --
PETER
Do it!
EVAN
―Miss Nuff? Miss Nuff?‖
PETER
―Please, call me Farah.‖
EVAN
―Farah Nuff.‖
PETER
[They share a smile.] Oh, Evan, you‘re going to miss me so much. How awful to be you
right now. I have to say, though, I‘m handling this quite well, don‘t you think? I‘d be
very proud of me, if I were you.
EVAN
I am.
PETER
I‘m serious, be proud of me.
EVAN
I‘m serious. I am.
PETER
Thank you. […] Well, it takes more than pride to fuel a romance, doesn‘t it? God,
remember Pride?
EVAN
Which one? The one at British Mark‘s?
PETER
No, not Pride, the day. Pride, the attribute.
EVAN
What‘s to remember? Pride hasn‘t gone anywhere.
PETER
Hasn‘t it? Perhaps not, but it‘s different somehow. Call me nostalgic, but I liked pride so
much better when it was still a sin. Everything was so much nicer when it was dirty.
Pride, sodomy, cable. These days, the only remaining unpardonable sin is ordering
burger with actual bread on it. Where‘s the pride in that?
EVAN
Would you rather I not be proud of you?
PETER
I‘d rather you not break up with me.
EVAN
I‘m sorry. I should have done it sooner.
PETER
I‘m glad you didn‘t. I happen to like being your boyfriend.
EVAN
I just kept thinking if I held on a little longer…
PETER
Evan, honey, I‘m not blind. I know all this. You haven‘t touched me in months. We‘re
supposed to be boyfriends, and I can count the number of times we‘ve slept together on
one threesome. I‘m just grateful for whatever amount of yourself you were able to
tolerate sharing with me. Beggars and choosers and all that.
EVAN
What‘s that supposed to mean?
PETER
Have I said too much? There‘s nothing more I can think of to say to you.
EVAN
Stop quoting. Just talk.
PETER
Evan, darling, baby, baby boy . . . .
EVAN
Don‟t minimize me.
PETER
I would never! How could I? Such a strapping grown up boy, of course you want out!
You should want out. Look at you. Then look at me. Your honor, I rest.
EVAN
That‘s hardly fair.
PETER
Farrah Nuff.
EVAN
You‘re a catch. You know you‘re a catch.
PETER
No, Evan, I‘m a release. I‘m what people do to kill the time between real relationships.
I‘m not surprised to find myself tossed back once again. The only real surprise was that
you didn‘t run away screaming when I kissed you on New Year‘s Eve.
EVAN
Of course I didn‘t. Why would I have done that?
PETER
I was afraid I might‘ve – oh – ruined our friendship with something as silly as a kiss.
Even though I‘d always wanted to kiss you. Ever since the night we met.
EVAN
At Collin‘s party? God, that was such a long time ago.
PETER
Was it?
EVAN
I moved here in 2000. So, ten years. That‘s a long time, right?
PETER
For mortals, yes.
EVAN
I met everyone at that party. You. British Mark. Regular Mark. Tam.
PETER
And scarecrow, you were there.
EVAN
You and Mark were still dating.
PETER
Yes. That was pre-cancer, and therefore pre-post-Mark. Asshole.
EVAN
I met all the most important people in my life that night.
PETER
And how many of them are still your friends?
EVAN
I don‘t know. Are we still friends?
PETER
Oh, I suppose.
EVAN
Really? You‘re not going to scream and throw things at me?
PETER
Evan, this may be the first time I‘ve ever said this, and please don‘t tell anyone at my
theatre, but let‘s do this without the drama. There‘s no need to make this unmendable.
There‘s no need to make this into me and Mark.
EVAN
You still love him, don‘t you?
PETER
Honey, there‘s no loving Mark. There‘s living with Mark. There‘s protesting with Mark.
There‘s fucking, and kissing and sucking with Mark, but there is no loving him. Mark
had the politically incorrect misfortune of having lived through the AIDS crisis, and for
that he has never forgiven himself. And when I landed the Gold Medal for Pity with my
nut-cancer, well---- that was pretty selfish of me, wasn‘t it? I couldn‘t expect anyone to
stay with me through that.
EVAN
How did you manage to turn our break-up into a list of grievances against Mark?
PETER
I can turn almost anything into a list of grievances against Mark. When it comes to my
ex-boyfriends, I‘m practically an alchemist.
EVAN
So, is that what I am now? An ex-boyfriend?
PETER
Look it up, darling. The definition, I think, will not surprise you.
EVAN
So that‘s it? Ten years of friendship, and then bang, I‘m ―the ex-boyfriend?‖
PETER
If you break up with me, yes. Ten years of friendship, a summer of break up, a shake for
lunch, a sensible dinner, and if all goes according to plan, we come out the very best of
acquaintances.
EVAN
That‘s bullshit.
PETER
That‘s bullshit? THAT‟s bullshit?! You dated me because I was there!
EVAN
What are you talking about? How is that---? I dated you. Specifically you. I could have
dated anyone.
PETER
You did date anyone. You dated everyone! I had to wait for you to burn through
absolutely every other faggot in the whole blessed world before you ever got around to
dating me. I‘m not a choice, Evan, I‘m what‘s left! I‘m the donkey behind door number
three.
EVAN
Whatever happened to ―let‘s do this without the drama?‖
PETER
I was kidding!
EVAN
Well, I thought it was a good idea. I think we should try to be --- I don‘t know --- calm.
PETER
Well I don‘t! There, now we‘re having a disagreement! It‘s about time! [He gets up,
trying to stand in his skates.] I hope you‘re prepared to hear me say some truly hateful
things, Evan. Because I am practically ecstatic to be the villain for once. I am so fucking
sick of being the comic relief. I‘m sick of playing hospital scenes, sick of being the
goddamn consolation prize. I am a romantic lead, Evan. I deserve to be dated on
purpose. I happen to be a really, really excellent person. And, if that‘s not enough for
you, then game over. […] Thank you. I‘ve also prepared a song.
EVAN
... I don‘t know what I‘m supposed to say to that.
EVAN
Oh, don‘t say anything. I‟m fine. You‘re the one who turned into Little Miss Weepy
Pants. I would cry, but I‘m not really all that upset. You‘re dick was never big enough
for me anyway.
EVAN
My dick is huge, you‘re asshole‘s stretched out.
PETER
Touché.
EVAN
Fine. You‘re touché is stretched out.
PETER
Funny. That was funny. And a little bit bitchy. Glad to see I taught you something.
EVAN
You‘ve taught me a lot.
PETER
Too bad I never made any progress with your sartorial education.
EVAN
Shut the hell up. I dress fine.
PETER
Okay, we‘ll go with that.
EVAN
You butthead.
PETER
Asshole.
EVAN
Cocksneeze.
PETER
Dickdrip
EVAN
For what it‘s worth, I do love you.
PETER
I will slap you. Don‘t think I won‘t.
EVAN
Oh, I know you will, honey.
PETER
Tell me something. Now that we‘re suddenly not dating, I want the truth, okay?
EVAN
Yes, I hate your mother.
PETER
What? Oh please, everyone hates my mother. That‘s part of her charm. No, what I‘m
wondering is whether or not you plan on dating Michael.
EVAN
Michael? Michael our Michael?
PETER
Is there any other kind?
EVAN
No, I‘m not going to date Michael. I‘m not ---you and I aren‘t even finished breaking up
yet.
PETER
Good. Then, you won‘t mind if I date him.
EVAN
What? Why?
PETER
If you‘re not interested, then I believe he is the last remaining homosexual in the district,
and I‘m not particularly keen on growing old alone.
EVAN
Fine, Peter, you want to date Michael, by all means, be my guest. I‘m honestly really
interested in being on my own right now. Honestly.
PETER
Liar.
EVAN
I‘m not a liar. I don‘t want to date Michael. Michael is a friend.
PETER
And was I not a friend when we started dating?
EVAN
Yes, of course you were. Are. I guess I don‘t know what a friend is. Anymore, a friend
is … a friend is a moderately attractive gay male who, for whatever reason, didn‘t stay
my boyfriend. Why? What‘s your definition of friend?
PETER
Someone who‘s not somewhere else when you‘re with him. That‘s all. Just someone
who‘s there.
EVAN
I want to be there, Peter. I really do. The thing is I think I can do it better if I spend
some time on my own for a while. I know that sounds stupid, but I feel like my whole
life I‘ve been spinning in smaller and smaller circles, looking for someone –anyone—but
all it‘s done is make me dizzy and confused. I‘m ready to quit spinning and just be …
still. You know?
PETER
A coherent existence after so many years of muddle?
EVAN
Yeah.
PETER
[Citing his source.] A Little Night Music. [They share a smirk. Then…] Now I really
wish we‘d thought to bring more vodka.
EVAN
Do I need to be worried about you?
PETER
Me? Nah. This is what we do. We‘re homosexuals.
EVAN
Whatever gave you the impression that I‘m a homosexual? I‟m not gay.
PETER
No?
EVAN
No. Sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, man.
PETER
No, no, the fault was entirely mine. I must have misinterpreted somewhere between
―Hello there‖ and ―I‘ll get the Crisco‖.
EVAN
Clearly. […] So, what do you think? Can we be friends? Still?
PETER
Oh what the hell? Friends. [Beat.] My my, what a wonderful start to the week. Shall I
see you on the ice?
[End Scene.]
2008: British Mark
[It is two years earlier. A bedroom in an apartment. The bed is nicely made. There are
some semi-packed boxes on the floor, and a pile of clothes and crap shoved into a corner.
Too few pictures hang on the wall. EVAN, 27, enters, casually dressed, a day at home.]
EVAN
And, this is the bedroom.
[BRITISH MARK enters behind him, well dressed, oxford, tie, the whole shebang. He is
a very young-looking 39, rogue-ishly attractive and, appropriately enough, British.]
BRITISH MARK
So it is.
EVAN
As you can see it‘s, you know. . .the room with the bed in it.
BRITISH MARK
It‘s big.
EVAN
Yeah, well, with Collin‘s stuff gone it feels a lot bigger. Our bed is yours, if you want it.
I mean, my bed is yours. I‘d be happy to leave the bed for you, is what I‘m trying to say.
BRITISH MARK
Don‘t you want your bed?
EVAN
I can‘t sleep in it any more. I‘ve been on the couch for the last week and half.
BRITISH MARK
And you‘re certain Collin doesn‘t want it?
EVAN
Collin‘s had no trouble finding other beds to sleep in.
BRITISH MARK
I withdraw the question.
EVAN
Sorry. Sorry, I know he‘s your best friend. I just, I‘m still in that angry place, you know?
BRITISH MARK
I do.
EVAN
Right. [...] So, that‘s the place. I mean you‘ve seen it before, but…
BRITISH MARK
Not the bedroom.
EVAN
You haven‘t? [BRITISH MARK shakes his head, still on the bed.] I mean, obviously
Collin and I want to get out of here, but it‘s a really great place. We‘d like to see it go to
somebody great. And, with your promotion and everything, you mentioned you were
looking to buy. So I thought if you liked it ... but, you know, no pressure.
BRITISH MARK
No pressure.
EVAN
None.
[...]
[Suddenly, they attack each other. EVAN is on the bed, instantly, on top of BRITISH
MARK, they kiss and grope and madly go at each other. EVAN pulls away quickly.]
EVAN
I‘m sorry.
BRITISH MARK
No, I‘m sorry.
EVAN
I didn‘t mean to—
BRITISH MARK
Of course not.
[Beat. They pounce on each other again, this time even more furiously, grabbing and
kissing, and oh my, it looks like they‟re enjoying themselves.]
BRITISH MARK
Oh Evan.
EVAN
What?
BRITISH MARK
Hm?
EVAN
You said my name.
BRITISH MARK
Oh, I said, ―Oh, Evan‖ as in ―Oh Evan!‖
EVAN
Oh. Oh British Mark!
BRITISH MARK
God, you‘re so hot!
EVAN
[Removing BRITISH MARK‟s neck tie.] Take this off, take this off. You‘ll choke.
BRITISH MARK
You are so unbelievably hot. Come here. [He has flipped EVAN over onto the his
stomach on the bed, and is now on top of him, kissing him all over, trying to remove
EVAN‟s shirt.]
EVAN
Can I … I mean—actually—can we--?
BRITISH MARK
Yes?
EVAN
Can I leave my shirt on, if that‘s okay?
BRITISH MARK
Of course. I‘m sorry. I shouldn‘t have ... [He‟s backing off, moving away from the bed.]
EVAN
No … I want you to ... It‘s um ... the appendix scar.
BRITISH MARK
Oh right right right. Sorry.
EVAN
I shouldn‘t care, it‘s just—[But he is interrupted by BRITISH MARK kissing him again.
They squirm and maneuver around the bed. BRITISH MARK helps EVAN quickly
unbutton his shirt. It‟s difficult.] Why are there so many buttons?
BRITISH MARK
Sorry. I came from the office.
EVAN
Next time, let‘s do this on casual Friday.
BRITISH MARK
Next time? I like the sound of that. [He‟s unbuttoned the shirt, and pulls it off, tosses it
behind him onto the pile of clothes in the corner. BRITISH MARK removes EVAN‟s
pants and throws them on the pile in the corner. They begin a little bed dance that
involves BRITISH MARK attempting to get EVAN on his stomach, and EVAN trying
desperately to crawl on top of BRITISH MARK. Finally EVAN gets BRITISH MARK on
his back and begins furiously trying to undo BRITISH MARK‟s pants.]
BRITISH MARK
Wait. Wait wait wait wait.
EVAN
What? What is it? Something wrong?
BRITISH MARK
No. God no. I--- I just want to be clear … you‘re alright that I‘m positive?
EVAN
Yeah, why wouldn‘t I be? [Beat.] Oh! Are we going to fuck fuck?
BRITISH MARK
Erm, I was hoping we might, yes.
EVAN
Oh, awesome!
BRITISH MARK
Unless that‘s not what you had in mind!
EVAN
I didn‘t have anything in mind. I mean, I had no idea this was going to happen. Did you?
BRITISH MARK
Yes.
EVAN
You did?
BRITISH MARK
Yes.
EVAN
Oh.
BRITISH MARK
---Which is not to say I‘m not serious about the place.
EVAN
Oh of course, yeah, the place.
BRITISH MARK
I mean, it‘s a little bit more room than I need.
EVAN
Sure. Well, room to grow, you know?
BRITISH MARK
Exactly. It‘s not necessarily a bad thing.
EVAN
No, I mean, whatever works.
BRITISH MARK
I want to make certain you know … I respect you. Very much. And I hope that you and
Collin can be … whatever it is you hope to be to each other. Eventually.
EVAN
Yeah, thanks.
BRITISH MARK
So, I, erm, don‘t want to do anything to, erm. I don‘t want to take advantage---
EVAN
Do you have a condom?
BRITISH MARK
Of course! In my bag. [Awful realization.] At the office. Oh dear.
EVAN
That‘s okay.
BRITISH MARK
But you have one?
EVAN
Collin and I didn‘t use them. We were ―monogamous.‖
BRITISH MARK
Balls!
EVAN
It‘s okay.
BRITISH MARK
I could, erm --- is there a convenience store nearby? I could pop out--
EVAN
It‘s alright. I mean, I don‘t mind. I‘ll still fuck you.
BRITISH MARK
No you will not.
EVAN
It‘s okay that you‘re positive--
BRITISH MARK
Evan, I‘m a top.
EVAN
… Oh.
BRITISH MARK
Don‘t sound so surprised.
EVAN
Sorry. I just assumed.
BRITISH MARK
Tops get it too, you know?
EVAN
Get … ? Oh, yeah. I know. [Beat. They sit there on the bed, concentrating on not
touching each other.] You‘re sure you‘re not a bottom? Not even a little?
BRITISH MARK
Not even on birthdays. You? [EVAN shakes his head adamantly.] But I thought Collin
was a top.
EVAN
He is.
BRITISH MARK
My, that was an awfully long relationship for two exit-only boys.
EVAN
I didn‘t mind it so much.
BRITISH MARK
And Collin?
EVAN
Like I said, we were ―monogamous.‖
BRITISH MARK
I see.
EVAN
Yeah. Maybe it is best if we slow down a little.
BRITISH MARK
There‘s still plenty we can do. You‘ve still yet to show me the roof. [BRITISH MARK
goes in for a kiss. EVAN pulls away.]
EVAN
I‘m going to get some water. You want some?
BRITISH MARK
I could do, yes. But--
EVAN
I‘ll be right back. [EVAN exits.]
BRITISH MARK
[Mouths “FUCK” to himself. Looks around. Starts looking through drawers. Calling
off.] You‘re absolutely certain you‘ve no condoms?
EVAN [o.s.]
You can look, but I don‘t have any idea where they‘d be.
BRITISH MARK
Fuck fuck fuck. [He begins rummaging through the pile of clothes.] Evan, if you take
any longer with that water, I‘m going to lose my erection.
EVAN [o.s.]
That‘s sort of the idea.
BRITISH MARK
[Finds a t-shirt, examines it, holds onto it.] Look, I‘m all for losing my erection, but I‘ve
a much better idea of how to go about it.
EVAN
[Entering with two waters. He has also found his way into some pajama pants.] What‘s
that?
BRITISH MARK
Nothing. [Taking the water.] Cheers.
EVAN
Cheers. You like that shirt?
BRITISH MARK
I do, yes.
EVAN
It‘s Collin‘s. You can have it if you want.
BRITISH MARK
That‘s very nice of you, except that this is my shirt. Collin borrowed it ages ago and
never returned it. I thought I‘d lost it at the gym.
EVAN
That‘s your shirt?
BRITISH MARK
Yes. Or did you think Collin had developed an appreciation for Manchester United?
[Holds up the shirt, it‟s clearly an English football jersey.]
EVAN
I thought it was supposed to be one of those ironic tees. He only ever slept in it. When
he could fit in it.
BRITISH MARK
Of course he did. If he‘d worn it outside the house, I‘d have kicked his arse and taken it
back. I miss this shirt.
EVAN
Funny. It‘s such a Collin shirt to me. And all this time it‘s been yours.
BRITISH MARK
Guess it was an ironic tee after all. [Beat.] I see you found your way into some trousers.
EVAN
I didn‘t want to be a rude host.
BRITISH MARK
If you don‘t mind, I‘ll keep mine off for the moment. I‘m trapped in a suit all day. It feels
nice to have a noontime break from all that.
EVAN
Well, feel free to remove as many articles of clothing as you like.
BRITISH MARK
Evan, I know this goes against my best interest, and I know it is safer, but … it‘s still
possible to get it from topping.
EVAN
I know that, silly. I‘m a big boy.
BRITISH MARK
But I would be a very bad faggot if I didn‘t give you the appropriate mini-lecture.
EVAN
I know I don‘t have to tell you it‘s a terrible disease, but I‘m not scared of it like I used to
be. And a lot of that has to do with friends like you. I mean, look at you, you look great.
If this were twenty years ago, you‘d be dying right now.
BRITISH MARK
If this were twenty years ago, we‘d be fucking right now.
EVAN
I doubt it. Twenty years ago, I was a second grader.
BRITISH MARK
God! I‘m a dirty old man.
EVAN
No you‘re not. I‘m practically thirty.
BRITISH MARK
No. Thirty is practically thirty. Twenty-seven is practically fetal.
EVAN
Well, I don‘t feel young.
BRITISH MARK
Talk to me when you‘re thirty-nine.
EVAN
I hope to.
BRITISH MARK
[A smile.] Well, sir, I have listened to everything you have to say, and after due
consideration, I‘ve decided I‘d like the place.
EVAN
Oh? All I had to do was rip your clothes off?
BRITISH MARK
You drive a very hard bargain.
EVAN
How would you know?
BRITISH MARK
I hope to find out soon. Will I find out? Soon?
EVAN
You don‘t think this is too much? Too fast? Too furious?
BRITISH MARK
No, no, just right.
EVAN
Everything is new these days, you know? I‘m still sort of unsure about what‘s good
change and what‘s bad change and what‘s not-allowed change.
BRITISH MARK
[Pulling him into an embrace.] Well this is definitely change I can believe in.
EVAN
Hey. You don‘t get to say that. Only Americans are allowed to believe in Hope and
Change. And only if he wins.
BRITISH MARK
First of all, only an American would say something like that. And secondly I am an
American. Just ask my wife.
EVAN
Are you two still married?
BRITISH MARK
Who‘s asking? You or Immigration?
EVAN
I thought it didn‘t matter any more. Aren‘t you finally like a citizen good and proper?
BRITISH MARK
Yes. Good and proper. And established. And healthy and climbing and ready. Evan.
Ready.
EVAN
For what? [BRITISH MARK smiles and opens his arms out wide in a damned-if-I-know
shrug.] Change?
BRITISH MARK
What are you doing tonight? You want to have dinner?
EVAN
Yes.
BRITISH MARK
Perfect, let‘s. Oh—wait, no.
EVAN
What?
BRITISH MARK
I‘m meant to have dinner with Collin tonight.
EVAN
Oh.
BRITISH MARK
Sorry. That‘s a bit awkward, then, is it?
EVAN
No, no, god, you‘re free to have dinner with Collin. Of course you are.
BRITISH MARK
What are you doing tomorrow night?
EVAN
Showing the place. Unless you‘re serious about taking it. If so, I‘m free.
BRITISH MARK
Sold. You‘re free. Dinner tomorrow night, then. My place.
EVAN
Your current place? Or your place, this place -- my place?
BRITISH MARK
Let‘s have it here. At your place, or, erm----
EVAN
Our place. For a little bit anyway.
[They almost kiss.]
BRITISH MARK
Do you like fish?
EVAN
I love it.
BRITISH MARK
Good. It‘s all I know how to make.
EVAN
Oh, in that case, do you like cereal?
BRITISH MARK
You are too cute.
EVAN
Stop.
BRITISH MARK
It feels good to say that to you. I‘ve always thought it, but I like being able to say it. You
are very very very cute.
EVAN
And you are very very very sexy.
BRITISH MARK
[…] Still?
EVAN
What do you mean?
BRITISH MARK
Thank you.
EVAN
You‘re welcome?
BRITISH MARK
Oh, I feel terrible for Collin, but I am so glad you‘re single!
EVAN
Is that why you want to have dinner with me? Because I‘m single?
BRITISH MARK
Well, I certainly wouldn‘t be having this conversation if you and my best friend were still
together, now would I?
EVAN
No I mean, are you glad that I‘m single, or are you glad that I‟m single?
BRITISH MARK
Evan, there is no gay man within your circle of friends who wouldn‘t give their eyeballs
to be with you.
EVAN
That‘s not true.
BRITISH MARK
Think of your friends.
EVAN
They wouldn‘t date me.
BRITISH MARK
Peter?
EVAN
Oh, well, Peter. Sure, Peter would date me. He‘s practically told me so.
BRITISH MARK
But?
EVAN
Peter‘s great, but he‘s …you know---
BRITISH MARK
Only got one testicle?
EVAN
I was going to say ―fabulous.‖ [Off BRITISH MARK‟s look.] I‘m just not attracted to
that.
BRITISH MARK
Apparently neither was Mark.
EVAN
Mark‘s an asshole. Sorry, I know you guys are friends.
BRITISH MARK
Yes. And he‘s an arsehole.
EVAN
And bitter. It‘s like he‘s holding on to every wrong ever done to him. It makes me
nervous just to be in the same room with him.
BRITISH MARK
Perhaps. I never cared for the way he treated Peter when they were dating.
EVAN
I‘m no fan of Mark, but I can‘t imagine Peter was a piece of cake to live with.
BRITISH MARK
I know Peter‘s a bit … theatrical, but I think he only needs someone who appreciates his
flamboyance. I think if Peter found someone who really valued that rather than tried to
make him apologize for it … well, that person would be in for quite a treat.
EVAN
Thanks, I‘ll keep that in mind for the next time I go looking for a friend to fuck.
BRITISH MARK
Hopefully, that position is currently occupied by moi.
EVAN
[Flirty.] We‘ll see.
BRITISH MARK
[Beat.] Evan … May I ask, why Collin?
EVAN
What?
BRITISH MARK
You met all of us at the same time—me, Mark and Peter, Collin, Michael . . .
EVAN
Actually, I met Michael first.
BRITISH MARK
Right. So, what made you pick Collin?
EVAN
I didn‘t know it was a contest.
BRITISH MARK
Oh, it may not have been a contest, but you were certainly a prize.
EVAN
I don‘t know. Collin was there. I guess. I know that sounds harsh or whatever, but when
you‘re all alone---having someone there is no small thing, you know? I was comforted
by the thought that I‘d never have to go searching for someone, that I‘d never have to be
alone. And now here I am, sleeping on my own sofa.
BRITISH MARK
You were never alone, Evan. Too many people love you, I mean really love you. I know
because they love me too. Don‘t ever take for granted what a strong circle of friends can
be to one another.
EVAN
So sayeth the man who‘s trying to sleep with his best friend‘s ex?
BRITISH MARK
Collin is a dear friend of mine, and there are those who would say I‘m a terrible
scoundrel, but Evan ... if I have even the slightest chance with someone like you, I‘d be
an idiot not to take it. And I believe Collin knows first hand the truth in that.
EVAN
I don‘t know how to be where I am, British Mark. I always thought you get to be a
certain age and it‘s like, ―Finally, I made it through the shit parade.‖ You know? ―I can
finally just be an adult, I can relax.‖ But the minute you do, Life and Relationships, and
some 22 year old red head from Texas comes along and yanks the chair out from under
you and everything‘s crazy again. Maybe there‘s an age when you do get to relax, but
whatever it is, I sure haven‘t reached it.
BRITISH MARK
[Happily.] And the fuck of it is, you never do. [Collecting his things.] I am going back
to work. Reluctantly. But I promise, I shall get nothing accomplished. No. I will stare at
that screen and think about kissing you while trying desperately to remember how to
make that grilled salmon with dill sauce.
EVAN
And ... you‘ll talk to your financial advisor about a mortgage?
BRITISH MARK
Mortgage? Evan, it wasn‘t a small raise.
EVAN
You want to pay in full?
BRITISH MARK
I‘ll call you tonight.
EVAN
Jesus.
BRITISH MARK
[Holding up the football tee.] Mind if I wear this shirt?
EVAN
Please.
BRITISH MARK
[He pulls the shirt on. It looks amazing on him. To the shirt.] Hello. Did you miss me?
EVAN
It looks better on you.
BRITISH MARK
It should, it‘s my shirt.
[EVAN places both hands on BRITISH MARK‟s chest, then leans in and smells him. He
clutches the cloth of the shirt in his hands and rests his face on his chest. BRITISH MARK
hugs him, kisses the top of his head.]
EVAN
Will you tell me you love me?
BRITISH MARK
Of course I love you.
EVAN
Say it again.
BRITISH MARK
I love you.
EVAN
Keep saying it.
BRITISH MARK
I love you, Evan. I love you. I love you. [EVAN holds him tighter.] I love you. I love
you. . . .
[Lights fade. End Scene.]
2006: Michael
[A hospital room. The flicker of a TV. Asleep in the bed, a post-surgery EVAN, sleeping
as much on his side as his I.V. will allow. In the chair beside him with balloons and a
gift bag, MICHAEL, 32. He holds the remote for the television in his hand, and keeps
looking back at EVAN to make sure the TV isn‟t too loud. From the television we hear
The cast of Jersey boys performing “Who Loves You Pretty Baby” at the Tony‟s. EVAN
stirs. MICHAEL turns the volume all the way down, watches EVAN who moans and
squirms in his sleep, looking as if he‟s trying to push the blanket off of him. MICHAEL
quietly gets up from the chair, the gift bag falling to the ground as he does so. He gently
pulls the blanket off of EVAN. MICHAEL squats down to pick up the fallen bag from the
ground as EVAN rolls over onto his back. It is clear that he is sporting a stupidly huge
erection beneath the sheets and hospital gown. When MIHCAEL looks up from the
ground, he is head to head with EVAN‟s erection. Yeeks! He tries stealthily covering the
erection with the blanket he just removed, but EVAN squirms in his sleep. No blanket.
Okay, new approach. Michael reaches into the gift bag, removes the tissue paper as
quietly as possible, then pulls out a brand new Iowa Hawkeye‟s baseball cap, brim still
stiff, tags still on. He slowly, carefully lowers the cap onto the sleeping EVAN‟s lap in
order to cover the erection. As MICHAEL is lowering the cap, a very groggy EVAN
wakes up to see his friend placing a strange object on his crotch.]
EVAN
Michael?
MICHAEL
[Immediately recoiling and cramming the hat back in the bag.] Evan! You‘re awake.
EVAN
If you say so.
MICHAEL
How are you feeling?
EVAN
I‘m feeling ... not much actually.
MICHAEL
The nurse came by and changed your morphine drip. She was really nice.
EVAN
When did she come?
MICHAEL
Like an hour ago? Maybe?
EVAN
Oh.
MICHAEL
She was really nice. She, um, she said she‘d come back to check on you. Soon.
EVAN
Okay.
MICHAEL
So … you might want to, um [Nervously indicates EVAN‟s erection.]
EVAN
Oh. Sorry. [He groggily pushes it down, scoots up in the bed, covering himself.]
MICHAEL
No. No sorry. I just thought you might want to – uh, do you need help ... sitting up? [He
tries awkwardly to help. EVAN shakes his head.] Okay. Do you need anything? Can I
get you something?
EVAN
No. I‘m fine. Sit down.
MICHAEL
That‘s okay. I‘ve been sitting for hours.
EVAN
How long have you been here?
MICHAEL
Not long. Can I get you anything? A magazine? More water? A stripper?
EVAN
Ow, don‘t make me laugh. It hurts.
MICHAEL
Lucky for you I‘m not very funny.
EVAN
Yeah, I‘m so lucky. Will you sit? You‘re making me nervous.
MICHAEL
Sorry. [He sits. Beat.] You had me pretty worried, buddy. I waited at the restaurant for
like two hours. I thought maybe you got hit on your bike or something bad happened to
you.
EVAN
Something bad did happen to me.
MICHAEL
Right. Appendicitis. Bad.
EVAN
I would‘ve called you, but I was out before I knew it—
MICHEAL
No worries. I called Collin.
EVAN
I didn‘t. He‘s the ―in case of emergency‖ on my insurance.
MICHAEL
You have insurance?
EVAN
Yeah. Don‘t you get insurance at the candy store?
MICHAEL
I will. When they bump me up to manager. It‘s a pretty sweet package. No pun
intended.
EVAN
Was Collin pissed?
MICHAEL
No, of course not. He‘s worried sick. He got the first flight he could find. Some
backpacker gave up his seat in, like, Brussels or something, I don‘t know.
EVAN
He‘s been looking forward to that trip forever. Is Mark coming back too?
MICHAEL
I think Mark‘s going to stay and finish the trip. He has some friends in Switzerland he
can contact.
EVAN
Mark has friends in Switzerland?
MICHAEL
Yeah, um [Makes a jack-off motion.] internet friends?
EVAN
Got it.
MICHAEL
I was really worried about you, Ev. I came right from the diner. I don‘t even think I
paid.
EVAN
I owe you.
MICHAEL
Shut up, don‘t be stupid. Peter and I have been taking shifts.
EVAN
Peter was here?
MICHAEL
He had to leave, but he‘ll be back. It‘s the first day of rehearsal.
EVAN
Oh, yeah, for that show he‘s directing. What is it, again?
MICHEAL
I don‘t know. Something about a guy who fucks a goat. It‘s art.
EVAN
Hmm.
MICHAEL
I got you this [the bag.].
EVAN
Thanks.
MICHAEL
Open it. [EVAN starts to take the bag out, but MICHAEL can‟t contain his excitement,
and gives it away before it‟s all the way out.] It‘s a hat!
EVAN
Yeah.
MICHAEL
Just like your old one.
EVAN
Totally.
MICHAEL
Your lucky hat, right? I thought you could use some luck.
EVAN
Totally, thanks. [He puts the hat back in the bag.]
MICHAEL
You can try it on if you want, I---?
EVAN
What the hell is this crap you‘re watching?
MICHAEL
I‘m sorry. What?
EVAN
What are we watching?
MICHAEL
This? Uh, this is the Tony Awards.
EVAN
Why?
MICHAEL
Peter. We have bets on the major categories. He put all his money on The Drowsy
Chaperone, so I bet on Jersey Boys. The winner gets dinner and a bottle of lube.
EVAN
Who‘s winning?
MICHAEL
I am.
EVAN
High five. [They do.] There‘s really a play called The Drowsy Chaperone?
MICHAEL
Why not? There‘s really a play about a guy who fucks a goat.
EVAN
Since when did you start caring about theatre?
MICHAEL
I don‘t, but, you know, Peter looks forward to this all year. It started before he had to
leave, and no one at the hospital knew or cared what he was talking about, so I agreed to
bet on whatever musical he said was the dumbest.
EVAN
That was nice of you to bet against him.
MICHAEL
He‘ll be pissed that I‘m winning.
EVAN
Where is he? Oh you said. That‘s right, rehearsal. I‘m sorry, man, I‘m totally out of it.
MICHAEL
You should be. You just had an entire organ removed. Albeit a pointless organ, but still.
EVAN
Just think how much thinner I‘ll be without that nasty appendix. [They chuckle.] Ow.
MICHAEL
That one was your fault.
EVAN
Fair enough.
MICHAEL
Miss Nuff? Miss Nuff?
EVAN
Call me Farah.
MICHAEL AND EVEN

[By rote.] Farah Nuff.
MICHAEL
Can I get you anything?
EVAN
No. Seriously, I‘m fine.
MICHEAL
You look like death on meth.
EVAN
Shut up, I hate you.
MICHAEL
Ooo, do you want your surprise?
EVAN
Another one?
MICHEAL
Close your eyes.
EVAN
I can‘t, I‘ll fall asleep.
MICHEAL
Drum roll please. [He pulls out a stash of comic books from a bag.] Ta da!
EVAN
No way.
MICHAEL
It‘s the new Y: The Last Man. Plus, I got Birds of Prey, Hellboy, and a Walking Dead,
‗cuz it reminded me of you.
EVAN
Michael, this is awesome.
MICHAEL
I thought you might be in need of a super hero.
EVAN
Did anyone see you with this stuff? I don‘t want the nurses to know I‘m a closeted
fanboy. Only you can know my secret shame, Michael.
MICHAEL
Your secret shame? Man, I do believe I‘m the one with a backpack full of Betty and
Veronica. So …
EVAN
Okay, you are officially the bigger geek.
MICHAEL
It‘s nice to know I excel at something.
EVAN
This is great, Michael, thanks. You always know exactly what I need.
MICHAEL
Don‘t mention it. […]
EVAN
Hey, isn‘t this the same hospital where Peter had his---?
MICHAEL
--Orchidectomy?--
EVAN
--Nut removed?--- Yeah that. Right, this is the same hospital. Because Peter and Mark
were still living down the street from me then.
MICHAEL
Yep.
EVAN
And as usual, Mark was nowhere to be found.
MICHAL
Cut him some slack. The last thing Peter needed during his recovery was his recently ex-
lover sitting beside him. You know how dramatic Peter can be.
EVAN
God, between all your dying friends, you must spend your life in the hospital.
MICHAEL
Shut up. No one‘s dying.
EVAN
Did you talk with British Mark?
MICHAEL
Yeah. I called him. He‘s picking up Tam after work tomorrow and they‘re coming over.
I close tomorrow. Sorry.
EVAN
Don‘t worry about it. Is British Mark … how‘s he, you know, how‘s his health?
MICHAEL
Asked the man hooked up to an I.V.
EVAN
You know what I mean.
MICHAEL
He‘s fine. He‘s been getting some counseling. And his new job insurance covers the
medication. So, he‘s in a pretty good spot. He says to tell you ―Hello there‖ And ―Quit
yer bitching.‖
EVAN
Let‘s make sure he doesn‘t end up here, yeah?
MICHAEL
Deal. Are you sure I can‘t get you anything?
EVAN
Michael--
MICHAEL
Nothing?
EVAN
You‘ve given me more than enough. I‘m fine.
MICHEAL
Okay. Well, just let me know.
EVAN
When have I ever not let you know what I wanted from you? I‘m a selfish prick,
remember?
MICHAEL
Right. Hey, speaking of pricks---
EVAN
Oh, can we?
MICHEAL
Yours certainly made an appearance.
EVAN
Yeah, sorry about that.
MICHAEL
I was afraid you might roll over and poke my eye out.
EVAN
Who, little old me?
MICHAEL
Not so little there, Donkey Kong. You lifted the catheter.
EVAN
You‘re going to make me blush.
MICHAEL
[Beat.] Alright, I‘ll say it: you‘ve got a really big dick.
EVAN
It is kind of big, isn‘t it? But you‘ve seen it before. [MICHAEL shakes his head.] You
haven‘t? [MICHAEL shakes his head again.] Yes you have.
MICHAEL
Nope.
EVAN
Are you sure?
MICHAEL
When would I have seen it?
EVAN
I don‘t know … Really?
MICHAEL
You‘ve never seen mine either.
EVAN
Yes I----- Oh, I guess you‘re right. That‘s so weird.
MICHAEL
It is?
EVAN
I‘ve seen everyone else‘s dick.
MICHAEL
Everyone else who?
EVAN
Peter, Mark, British Mark, Collin of course.
MICHAEL
Why have you seen everyone else‘s dicks? I haven‘t seen anyone‘s dicks.
EVAN
It‘s because you don‘t go to our gym.
MICHAEL
No, it‘s because I‘m Michael, and Michael is the friend you don‘t show your dick to. It‘s
okay, I get it. It‘s like, every experiment needs its control, you know? I‘m the control.
EVAN
If someone had asked me if I‘d ever seen your dick, I totally would‘ve said yes without
thinking about it.
MICHAEL
I wouldn‘t. I‘m keenly aware of the few people in my life who‘ve seen me in the
altogether, and you are definitely not one of them.
EVAN
[…] Let me see it
MICHAEL
What?
EVAN
Come on, let me see it.
MICHAEL
We‘re in a hospital.
EVAN
So we know it‘s sanitary.
MICHAEL
No.
EVAN
I want to see it.
MICHAEL
I‘m not showing you my … [whispering] I‘m not showing you my penis.
EVAN
Why not? I‘ll show you mine. Catheter and everything.
MICHEAL
I should go.
EVAN
Please? I just surveyed a very painful surgery. What if I get an infection and die? This
could be my dying wish.
MICHAEL
Then—I‘m sorry—but you‘ll die an unhappy man.
EVAN
Come on.
MICHAEL
You really are on a lot of drugs.
EVAN
You‘re no fun.
MICHAEL
That‘s what I‘m told.
EVAN
[Beat.] Admit it, you thought about it. For a minute you thought about pulling your dick
out. Right here in the hospital.
MICHAEL
I happen to be very selective about who gets to see my ―dark materials.‖
EVAN
Lame.
MICHAEL
No, it‘s true. I---god, this is funny. You just made me think of something I did when I
was a kid.
EVAN
What?
MICHAEL
I--- it‘s this thing I did, this kind of ritual I invented. You just made me think of it, that‘s
all.
EVAN
Okay, now you have to tell me.
MICHAEL
It‘s kind of hard to explain.
EVAN
I‘m not going anywhere.
MICHAEL
Um . . .okay, well, you know my older sister‘s adopted, right?
EVAN
Molly, yeah.
MICHAEL
Well, she didn‘t come to live with us until she was about thirteen, and I think I was ---
how old was I? Six? I think. Maybe younger. Anyway, up until that point I‘d been an
only child, right? And I wanted a sister so bad. When she came to live with us, it was
awesome. I thought she was the coolest person in the world. And, I wanted to do
something to prove to her that we were family, you know, that the whole adoption thing
didn't matter to me. To me, we were family. We were close.
So, I decided to show her my penis.
EVAN
What?
MICHAEL
It made perfect sense to me. I mean, I was a very clothed child. I even slept in socks,
sometimes two pair, just in case. The only people who ever saw me naked, were my
family, and even then it was an accident of proximity. So, I thought, ―If I want my sister
to be my REAL sister, I should show her my penis.‖ I didn‘t need to see her naked or
anything, I just wanted to share this personal thing—this very real self—with my new
sister.
So, one night at dinner, I asked to be excused from the table. I walked down the hall into
my bedroom, removed every stitch of clothing, took a deep breath, and marched back out
to the dining room. I stood there in the entryway for a minute until my mother looked at
me, and asked, ―Yes, Michael, can I help you?‖ And I said, very matter of fact, I said,
―Hey family. I‘m gonna go take a bath now. So, if you need me, that‘s where I‘ll be. In
the bath tub. Naked.‖ I remember my sister looking at my mom like, ―Oh my god, why
is Michael naked?‖ and my dad was probably trying not to laugh. My mother said
something like, ―Okay, honey. Thanks for the update.‖ And then I turned around and
BOOKED it to the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I think I bathed for an hour
straight. I was so scared to come out again.
In the end though, I was really proud of myself for doing it. And, to her teen-aged credit,
my sister didn‘t laugh at me. I think she got the message. I think she felt like family.
Oh, and you know, now that I think about it ... I can‘t believe I‘m---- I did something like
that again when I was older. God, I guess I had a real habit of showing my --- Brandon
Byers ...okay, so, when I was nine ... Brandon Byers was like the cool kid in class. I had
actually seen –with my very own eyes—this third grader consume exactly one half of a
cigarette. And he didn‘t even cough. Who wouldn‘t want to be best friends with that?
Now, after years of therapy I realize that I had a crush on Brandon Byers, but of course, I
didn‘t know that then, I just thought I wanted to be friends with him. Best friends. But
Brandon Byers was already best friends with Aaron Philips ... who I hated. What a
fucking twerp, that kid. I mean, what did Aaron Philips have that I didn‘t have besides,
like, a skateboard collection? I had every Jedi figurine in the whole series, but whatever!
Anyway, Aaron Philips got really sick with, like, mumps or something. Thank god. And
in his absence, Brandon Byers actually condescended to hang out with me. I was beside
myself, man. I mean, this wasn‘t just anybody. This was BRANDON BYERS.
So, okay, I‘m in his back yard one day after school, and we‘re building something out of
logs or rocks or dead animals, and he says he has to ―take a leak.‖ And right there,
Brandon Byers, my third grade everything, unzips his stone-washed jeans, pulls out his
little third grade wiener and pisses. It was ... amazing. There was no shame, no turning
away so I couldn‘t see. Just, hey, here‘s my dick, doing what a dick does. I‘d never seen
another boy naked. You have to remember, I was ten and we were Methodist. I started to
feel this swelling in my gut, this cold magnet force pulling me closer to Brandon Byers.
And this magnet force spoke to me, and it said, ―You can never be close enough to him.
No matter how hard you try, you will never be close enough. Never be close enough.‖
But watching him pee I felt closer to him than anybody in the whole world. Brandon
Byers had chosen to share his penis with me. The very least I could do was allow him a
glimpse at my own. So, unthinkingly, I reached down into my pants to pull it out, and
when my fingers hit my fly, that‘s when I realized that I had wet myself. […] I guess in
my excitement ... I don‘t know. I was ten. I … I only wanted to be closer--
He looked up at me, one hand still holding himself, and his lip crept into this curl of
disgust that I‘ll ---
I wasn‘t invited to play with Brandon Byers again. And then word spread around school
that I was a smelly pee pants. And one day after Aaron Philips had recovered, he pulled
me behind the jungle gym and punched me and kicked me. He called me names I‘d never
heard before. But as he kicked me, I thought, ―I bet Aaron Philips hasn‘t seen it.‖ I knew
what it looked like. I knew because he felt comfortable enough to show it to me. Because
we were close. We were friends.
[Beat.]
Evan. [EVAN‟s asleep.] Evan.
[On the verge of tears.] Evan . . .
[MICHAEL gently touches EVAN‟s face. He pulls the covers over his friend‟s chest and
tucks him in. He gets up, turns off the television, then the light. He sits in the chair in the
dark beside his friend as lights fade to black.]
[End act one.]

ACT II.
2004: Tam
[The living room of a cluttered apartment. On the coffee table a paper plate, a container
of glitter, a box of macaroni, and a glue gun. EVAN, 24, stands in his underwear sipping
a glass of wine, looking generally bored. His clothes are on the couch. After a bit, he
calls off to someone in the other room.]
EVAN
I‘m naked! Are you ready?!
TAM [o.s.]
Just a minute!!
EVAN
Well hurry up, if I have any more of this wine, I‘ll be too bloated to fit into anything.
TAM
[Entering. TAM is a woman in her early thirties. She‟s a fifth grade teacher, very pretty,
but she could probably dress a little better, and oh my, her hair needs some attention.
She‟s carrying a pair of pants, and a marching band jacket. In her mouth is a crown
made out of felt and cardboard. She throws the jacket and crown on a chair as she
enters.] You damn well better fit. I‘m not making any more trips to the Salvation Army.
Oh good, you found the wine.
EVAN
It was hiding in a cardboard box in your fridge.
TAM
Don‘t you judge me. I‘ve seen you drink a Miller High Life.
EVAN
It‘s the Champaign of beers.
TAM
Put that wine somewhere far far away. If we stain these pants, there will officially be no
Prince Charming at the Fairy Tale Halloween Ho-down.
EVAN
Like they‘d miss me. Those kids only come for the candy.
TAM
Yeah, but the mothers come for the Prince Charming. Last year I made British Mark do
it, and every mom wanted a peek at his crown jewels.
EVAN
What did the fathers have to say about that?
TAM
Honey, I teach in the city. What fathers? [Examining the pants.] I think these might be
women‘s pants. What size do you wear in women‘s?
EVAN
Eight.
TAM
Good, these are a six.
EVAN
[Indicating his empty wine glass.] Where should I---?
TAM
Just set it down anywhere. I don‘t own anything nice.
EVAN
[Trying them on.] These look a little snug.
TAM
Suck it up. You‘ve squeezed into tighter spaces than that.
EVAN
No comment.
TAM
How are they? Are they too tight? I was afraid they might be too tight. That‘s the biggest
size they had. Will they button? Can you button them? Let me see you button them.
EVAN
Okay, they‘re buttoned. Barely. How bad is it?
TAM
Well, it‘s like they say, that which does not fit us makes us fatter. Here, try on the jacket.
EVAN
What is this thing?
TAM
It‘s a marching band uniform.
EVAN
It smells like fat kid. If I get scabies, I‘m telling everyone you drink Merlot from a box.
Chilled.
TAM
Shut up, white boy, you don‘t know me. [The jacket is on.] You look marvelous.
EVAN
I look like The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Charming.
TAM
It‘ll look better when we add the crown.
EVAN
It‘ll look better when we burn it.
TAM
Speaking of the crown, choose your weapon, glue or glitter? Stupid question. [She
tosses him the glitter container.]
EVAN
Why do I get glitter?
TAM
Because you‘re gay. GayGayGAY!! And because I always get it all over me. You get
undressed, I‘ll get the Oreos.
EVAN
Oreos? You said you were buying me dinner.
TAM
I did? I said dinner? [He nods.] I meant Oreos. [She exits. While off in the kitchen.]
Thanks again for doing this. It‘s a really big deal for the kids. Most of their
neighborhoods are too sketchy to go trick-or-treating. Last year, one of my students got a
condom in his goodie bag. [Re-entering with a bag of Oreos.] Can you believe that? A
condom. [Tossing EVAN the Oreos.] He brought it to school. I told him it was gum. He
blew a very interesting bubble
EVAN
There‘s only one Oreo left.
TAM
You can be my witness. I did not eat the whole bag.
EVAN
You want me to drink this on an empty stomach? That‘s fine. It‘s your sofa.
TAM
Fair enough. [Cutting EVAN off before he can bust into his “Farah Nuff” routine.]
Don‟t do it. [EVAN shrugs. She plops down on the couch, exhausted.] Ugh, it feels good
to sit down.
EVAN
I sit all day.
TAM
You sit all day and you look buff as hell. I stand all day and I look like a throw pillow.
God is not a woman.
EVAN
Well, I don‘t sit all day. I ride my bike to work. And the guys and I joined a gym.
TAM
You did? Where?
EVAN
It‘s close to your school actually.
TAM
The one across from the Burger King? You didn‘t ask me to join.
EVAN
You wanna join?
TAM
Don‘t be stupid. Did you eat that last Oreo?
EVAN
Sorry.
TAM
Ugh, Evan, I‘m so effing tired all the time! I‘m sorry I haven‘t hung out with you guys in
forever. How‘s your boyfriend? How‘s Collin? How is he?
EVAN
He‘s good. He won that big case.
TAM
He did?! That‘s great. That‘s really great. He didn‘t tell me.
EVAN
That‘s why we had the party a couple weeks ago.
TAM
Oh, right right. He did tell me. Sorry.
EVAN
That‘s okay. You‘ve been busy. Shaping the minds of future generations.
TAM
Isn‘t that a scary thought? [She tries to plug in the glue gun without having to get off the
couch. It‟s a reach and probably more trouble than it‟s worth, but she accomplishes it.]
EVAN
You really think I‘m looking buff? I feel so schlubby ever since I went full-time.
TAM
Shut up, you‘re not schlubby. You look hot.
EVAN
Really? Even my arms?
TAM
Yes, even your arms. I‘d totally do ya.
EVAN
Collin says I‘m getting squishy.
TAM
Collin‘s an idiot. This is fact.
EVAN
Maybe we should make out, get him all jealous.
TAM
Um [She makes a buzzer sound like on a game show.] Not allowed.
EVAN
What?
TAM
Check your rule book. The hag is allowed to make sexually suggestive comments to the
fag only. Never the other way around. Ten yard penalty. And you owe me a new bag of
Oreos.
EVAN
How is that fair? You can say you‘d ―do‖ me, but I can‘t crack a joke about making out
with you?
TAM
As I say to my kids, it isn‘t fair, it‘s the rules.
EVAN
Why?
TAM
Because, Evan, you are a hot young male with a hot young boyfriend. I am an underpaid
teacher with no boyfriend and a lot of debt. You have twice-a-day, toe curling sex, and I
have a really loud biological clock. If I were you, I wouldn‘t tease me with anything that
could possibly make a baby. I‘m tired, I‘m desperate, and I‘m a liiiiiittle bit tipsy.
EVAN
I think I‘ll put my pants back on.
TAM
I think that‘s a wise idea.
EVAN
Well, rest easy, hon. You‘re like the only friend I‘ve never even thought about sleeping
with. Well, you and Michael.
TAM
Don‘t worry, Little Evan. I gave up dating gay boys long ago. I don‘t care if you are
Prince Charming.
EVAN
No more gay boys?
TAM
It was my New Years Resolution for 2004. And 2003. And pretty much all of the ‗90‘s.
EVAN
But you married British Mark.
TAM
That doesn‘t count. He needed his green card, and I needed a date to my cousin Lori‘s
wedding. That wasn‘t romance, it was reciprocity. I think the glue gun‘s ready. Hand me
the macaroni? [He does. She starts gluing macaroni to the crown.]
EVAN
Aren‘t you guys still married?
TAM
In the eyes of our holy government, yes. God bless the sanctity of marriage.
EVAN
Hallelujah.
TAM
It still makes me sick that he couldn‘t just marry his partner.
EVAN
It‘s a good thing he didn‘t. That guy was bad news.
TAM
Still, it‘s the principal. [Holding out a gluey section of crown.] Glitter me. [EVAN
sprinkles some glitter on the crown over the paper plate.] When. [He stops. She
resumes work on the rest of the crown.] So, what about you and Collin? Any illegal
wedding bells in your future?
EVAN
Us? No.
TAM
You say that like you haven‘t even talked about it.
EVAN
We haven‘t talked about it. We‘ve fought about it.
TAM
Fighting? Really? That sounds personal. Tell me everything.
EVAN
There‘s nothing to tell.
TAM
I don‘t believe that even a little bit.
EVAN
Collin wants to get married, I don‘t. The end.
TAM
The end, and?
EVAN
And nothing.
TAM
Okay, I can take a hint. If you don‘t want to talk about it, I‘m not going ---
EVAN
Because what‘s the point of having a ceremony, you know!? It‘s not even legal. So let‘s
say, okay, let‘s say we have a ceremony. Fine. But it‘s totally just for show-and-tell, you
know? Because we can only invite our friends, and our friends already know we love
each other, so why even bother, right? And like, we already live together so it wouldn‘t
change anything. It‘s just another label. It‘s just a silly little—I don‘t know—make
believe party.
TAM
You‘d get some really nice gifts. I mean, not from me, but you must have some classy
friends.
EVAN
I‘d rather get benefits.
TAM
Talk to your employers. Maybe they‘d honor a domestic partnership.
EVAN
No.
TAM
You don‘t know, they might surprise you. Our Assistant Vice Principal is a lesbian, and
she gets partner benefits. And smoke breaks.
EVAN
They don‘t offer it.
TAM
Maybe the only reason they don‘t offer it is because no one‘s ever asked. Maybe they
just need a gay employee to bring it up.
EVAN
Right, except that I‘m not a gay employee.
TAM
But … oh. Oh.
EVAN
Could you at least try to sound like you‘re not judging me?
TAM
I‘m not judging you, honey. No judgment from me.
EVAN
Are you lying?
TAM
Of course I‘m lying! Evan, why aren‘t you gay at work?!
EVAN
I don‘t know, I don‘t think my personal life really has anything to do with my work life.
TAM
You don‘t think that what you have with Collin is important?
EVAN
Not at the weekly staff meeting, no.
TAM
And what does Collin think?
EVAN
Collin thinks … Collin thinks I need to talk with my straight friends about it.
TAM
You should! Wait, is that me? Am I your straight friends? Ohmigod, I love giving
advice. ―You should be out at work.‖ There, that was easy. Ask me another one.
EVAN
No, Tam --- that‘s very good advice, but there are a lot of things to consider.
TAM
Like?
EVAN
Like, I just went full time, and they‘re starting to send me out on some of the bigger jobs.
Whenever I take on a project with a new company, I don‘t know what kind of attitude
they‘re going to have. It‘s kinda better to err on the side of caution, you know?
TAM
Screw caution. It‘s 2004, nobody cares.
EVAN
Maybe nobody cares at your little school, but ----
TAM
Whoa, are you hating on my job? Because only I‘m allowed to do that.
EVAN
You don‘t know what the business world is like, Tam. You taught at a small liberal arts
college before moving on to the hyper liberal public school system. I mean, you don‘t
know how backwards some of the people in the business sector can be.
TAM
Oh, don‘t I?
EVAN
You‘d be amazed. Some of the jokes that fly around the office ... It‘s like homophobia is
the last acceptable prejudice.
TAM
You‘re right. That must be why African Americans and women are finally earning as
much as white men. And why my special needs students can look forward to a fully
accessible world free of discrimination and prejudice. Evan, grow up.
EVAN
Tam, I‘m asking for advice, not admonishment.
TAM
You‘ll take what I give you and you‘ll like it.
EVAN
Pretend you‘re the head of internal systems at a major Fortune 500. Who do you want
setting up your programming? Someone ambiguous and professional? Or someone …
dramatic and swishy?
TAM
If you wouldn‘t want to work with someone because he‘s ―swishy‖ –nice pejorative, by
the way – that‘s your own prejudice, not anyone else‘s.
EVAN
It‘s not prejudice. It‘s survival. This business is very competitive. I can‘t just walk in
announcing all my handicaps.
TAM
Why not? Why deprive your coworkers of the opportunity to learn from you?
EVAN
Because I‘m not a teacher, Tam.
TAM
If you intentionally keep something to yourself that could greatly benefit those around
you, then you are officially a double agent, and you now owe me two bags of Oreos.
EVAN
I know it doesn‘t sound very nice to say, but as a ―community‖ the homosexuals are not
all that professional. We‘re perverts, and queers, and trannies. We‘re over the top like
Peter, or we‘re activist assholes like Mark. Or we‘re inconsequential like Michael.
TAM
Ouch. Evan, ouch.
EVAN
You‘re right. I‘m sorry, I love Michael, you know I do. It‘s just … I don‘t want people
assuming I‘m weak by association.
TAM
But if you‘re associated with nobody, wouldn‘t that make you a nobody by association?
EVAN
You don‘t understand.
TAM
I‘m kinda glad I don‘t.
EVAN
You know what it‘s like? It‘s like the Presidents of the United States.
TAM
I totally fail to see how.
EVAN
Our current President is nothing at all like Clinton was, right? But they‘re both classified
under the same heading: Presidents
TAM
Your point?
EVAN
Quick, tell me everything you know about President Hayes.
TAM
His name was President Hayes.
EVAN
See? He was a President, and that‘s all we know about him, his title. I‘m fine with being
gay, but I don‘t want people defining me in the same terms they use to describe
homosexuals like Mark.
TAM
Funny, I hope and pray people will know me by the company I keep.
EVAN
You‘re missing my point.
TAM
No, I hear you. It‘s just that you‘re so amazingly wrong it‘s difficult to take you
seriously.
EVAN
Gee, thanks.
TAM
Evan, I know I‘m not as close with you as I am with Collin, but I know you well enough
to say that you are not weak and you are not inconsequential. No matter what label you
go by. It‘s just not who you are.
EVAN
Thanks.
TAM
I think the trick is to be so loudly and definitively You that you transcend people‘s
preconceived stereotypes. True, President Hayes, whatever. But I can write you fifty
term papers on Abraham Lincoln without ever mentioning any of the other Presidents.
And I can do that because he was who he was, honestly and in the face of adversity. And
because he had killer distinctive fashion sense.
EVAN
It‘s not that I don‘t like being who I am, but maybe I don‘t like the sound of being called
a ―homosexual.‖ It‘s such a dirty word.
TAM
Here‘s what‘s true: there are no dirty words. Every term has been reclaimed and is now
either empowering or ironic. Last week, one of my students called me his ―nigga.‖ I‘m
told this was a compliment.
EVAN
That‘s different. The ―n-word‖ has been kinda destigmatized by the black community.
TAM
This student was Filipino.
EVAN
Well, at least now you know what you are.
TAM
―Whatever you are, be a good one.‖ Do you know who said that?
EVAN
Lance Bass.
TAM
Abraham Lincoln.
EVAN
Really? We‘re quoting Abraham Lincoln to each other?
TAM
Unfortunately, yes. These days, I‘m up to my kahungas in Lincoln.
EVAN
Didn‘t they just decide he was gay or something?
TAM
Probably. Though, if you‘re one of my students, you think Abraham Lincoln was black.
EVAN
What?
TAM
Oh, I didn‘t tell you? We‘ve been studying the Civil War this quarter. And just last
week, one of my students, who‘s name is—I‘m not making this up—Tupac, raises his
hand and asks how come Abraham Lincoln wasn‘t a slave.
EVAN
Oh my god.
TAM
This is what I‘m saying!! [She picks up her book bag and rustles around inside for a
folder of papers.] There are no pictures in our effing text books! Well, there are, but
they‘re drawings, and they‘re black and white. I gave my students pictures of Abraham
Lincoln and Robert E. Lee to color, and now I‘ve got thirty two African American
Abraham Lincolns. [She drops the stack of black Lincolns in EVAN‟s lap. He looks
through them.] Oh god, Evan. Sometimes I think the only reason no child is left behind
is because none of us are going anywhere.
EVAN
This one‘s actually pretty good.
TAM
Who is it? Oh, Rubio. Yeah, he‘s a good little artist. His mom wants him to be a doctor.
EVAN
I love that he added a scarf! I hope Rubio‘s mother is okay with him being a fabulous
doctor.
TAM
He‘s not gay, just artistic. I don‘t have any gay kids this year. At least not that I can tell.
I hear all these stories about how kids are starting to come out younger and younger. But,
not at my school. My kids learn to put on their tough faces so early. I don‘t know what
the hell happened to childhood, but it‘s almost extinct in the public school system. They
all want to be manly, even the girls. And they all want to be rappers or football players,
and I‘m supposed to tell them that‘s a viable career path because it would be classist or
racist of me to steer them toward something potentially culturally shaming like – oh –
dentistry. Sometimes I wish my students would color me black. Then maybe I could
actually say some of the horrible things I‘m thinking.
EVAN
You‘re allowed to tell your students not to be rappers. That‘s not a horrible thing to think.
TAM
Un uh, the last thing these kids need is another white authority figure telling them what to
do. I quit teaching at the college level because I could no longer tolerate all that effing
white privilege, all those self-important, self-entitled bags of wonder bread telling me that
I needed to do something about their grades because they were paying good money for
their ―education.‖ So I walked away from a perfectly promising tenure track so I could
spend every day slapping band aids on these poor kids. Literally, they‘re poor kids,
Evan, they live in projects. And they come to school and listen to me say ―Do this. Don‘t
do that. Learn this white person‘s name. Pronounce all the syllables in this word. Don‘t
forget to tuck in your uniform.‖ But it doesn‘t matter what subject I‘m teaching. The
only thing I‘m telling them over and over is ―I can make you better than your parents.
Listen to me and I will make you better.‖ I‘ve become that self-righteous bag of wonder
bread. Only now I‘m older, and single, and broke. Cheers.
EVAN
Whatever you are, be a good one.
TAM
Oh no, don‘t do that. Don‘t repeat my own advice back to me. That‘ll only get you into
trouble, Mister.
EVAN
You know what you need?
TAM
Another glass of wine?
EVAN
No! I think you need some glitter. [He‟s picked up the glitter container, and is
advancing toward her. She‟s backing up defensively.]
TAM
No no. No-ho-ho-ho, don‘t even think about it.
EVAN
A little fairy dust.
TAM
Evan, I mean it, put the glitter down.
EVAN
I‘m sorry, I didn‘t want to have to do this, but shitty times call for glittery measures. [A
chase around the sofa. He catches her, pours the glitter on her head.]
TAM
Aaaaaaahh, Omigod omigod. not in my drink not in my drink. [They both collapse into a
laughing, glittery hug.] Oh my god, you A-hole.
EVAN
You left me no choice.
TAM
Look at this mess. And I just vacuumed … like a month ago.
EVAN
I‘ll help you clean.
TAM
Oh you think?
EVAN
Hey. Thanks for listening to me.
TAM
What are friends for? I suppose if we were lovers, we‘d yell and scream about how
wrong we both are.
EVAN
But, we‘re not lovers. We‘re friends. Right?
TAM
Yeah, we‘re friends. [. . .] I have an idea. Since, supposedly, I promised you dinner—
EVAN
--not supposedly, you did—
TAM
--why don‘t we order some Mexican, uncork another box of wine, put on Say Anything,
and spend the rest of the night not cleaning this up? Sound doable?
EVAN
Sounds more than doable. It sounds exactly right.
[End scene.]
2002: Mark
[Thunder. The sounds of hard rain. The interior of an art studio, a classroom, pieces of
art-in-progress strewn around. A space heater, easels, figure sketches and half-formed
clumps of clay. Still lives set up on pedestals. A teacher‟s cluttered desk. This studio is
possibly separate from any of the main buildings, intended for figure study, and painting
in natural light. It‟s late at night, and there is a jingle of keys at the door. From outside,
voices.]
MARK
Just a sec. This lock is a pain.
EVAN
Hurry, it‘s cold.
MARK
I just need to talk pretty to it and give it a push. There!
[They stumble through the door, both in suits and ties, drenched from head to toe.
EVAN, 22, wears a tattered, very well loved Iowa Hawkeyes baseball cap.]
EVAN
Oh my god, it‘s just as cold in here.
MARK
I‘ll get some towels.
EVAN
Is the heat on? Tell me the heat is on.
MARK
Working on it. Give me a sec. [He has to walk to a few different places to flip on all the
lights. Then, he dumps some paper out of a trash can and drags it over to EVAN.] Here,
toss your clothes in this.
EVAN
K. [Starting to take off suit.] Are you sure we‘re allowed to be in here?
MARK
I‘m the head of the department, Evan. Who‘s going to complain? [While removing his
tie, he takes a stack of drop cloths from a shelf and tosses one to EVAN.] Here, dry off.
EVAN
Thank you, Mark. You‘re totally saving my life. Oh man, I just bought these shoes. I
mean, I bought them at Payless, but still I just bought them.
MARK
The quicker you get your clothes off, the sooner I can throw them in the dryer.
EVAN
You have a dryer in here?
MARK
Off with it. [MARK tries to remove EVAN‟s cap, but EVAN stops him.]
EVAN
That‘s my lucky cap.
MARK
It‘s drenched. [EVAN gives him a it-stays-on look, and MARK relinquishes, smirking and
giving the bill a flick down.] You‘re drunk.
EVAN
I am not. I only had like four—like --- [Taking off his pants.] I‘m glad it‘s raining. Rain
always makes the night more interesting. And that ceremony was bo-ring.
MARK
Now you know why Peter refuses to come to these things.
EVAN
I thought Peter had rehearsal.
MARK
Who do you think schedules those rehearsals? [Having stripped EVAN to his wet
underwear, he tosses the rest of the clothes in the trash can.] I‘ll take your briefs if you
want.
EVAN
Um … [He looks down at himself, a little embarrassed.]
MARK
Ah. [He walks to another shelf and pulls off a large white sheet. Handing it out to
EVAN.] Here, it‘s what we give our figure models.
EVAN
[He timidly takes the sheet, wraps it around himself. He conducts a weird sort of
Jennifer Beals maneuver out of his underwear from under the sheet. Finally, his hand
peeks out of the sheet and hands his undies to a soaking, smirking MARK.] Thanks.
MARK
You‘re welcome. [Exits with all the clothes.] I‘ll just dry our pants and shirts. I think
our jackets are toast.
EVAN
Cool. I love toast. [Beat. EVAN‟s head is peeking out from the top of the sheet he‟s
folded all around him. Calling off.] Congratulations anyway.
MARK [OS]
Hm?
EVAN
On the award. Congratulations. Even if you are sick of getting it.
MARK [OS]
Oh, I‘m not sick of getting the award. It‘s Peter who‘s done with it.
EVAN
You should tell Peter to be proud of you for getting the Gay and Lesbian award.
MARK [OS]
Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Trans, and Queer.
EVAN
Right. See? You pay attention to stuff like that. That‘s why you get the award. I mean,
what kind of awards does Peter win? Theatre awards? Best play? Who cares? But, you‘re
like changing people‘s minds— I mean, lives. Changing people‘s lives. That‘s a big - - -
Peter‘s like. . .I don‘t know. . . he makes theatre. I mean, don‘t get me wrong, I love
Peter, but, between you and me, don‘t you think that . . .
MARK
[Re-entering with a sheet around his waist.] Don‘t I think what?
EVAN
Nothing.
MARK
Don‘t I think I could do better than Peter?
EVAN
I didn‘t say that.
MARK
In truth, I think Peter could do a lot better than me.
EVAN
For real?
MARK
Peter is a force. Dramatic, yes. But Peter is a performance piece that actually works.
Look around. I teach art to peons I wouldn‘t hire to paint my bathroom. And in the
meantime, I make corporate lobby sculptures for uninspired McOffice Buildings. Whose
life am I changing? Whose normalcy am I disturbing? No one‘s. But Peter? Peter drags
confrontation into every room he enters.
EVAN
Why, because he‘s so out there?
MARK
Because he makes people uncomfortable. Peter opens his mouth and history falls out.
That‘s not an accident, it‘s a talent. I am zealously proud of that faggot and incredibly
lucky to fuck him.
EVAN
Well, I guess that‘s why you‘re with Peter and I‘m not.
MARK
He has cancer. Did you know that?
EVAN
What? Wait --- What?
MARK
Peter. Has cancer.
EVAN
Oh my god. [. . .] Oh my god. He didn‘t ... I mean he hasn‘t said anything.
MARK
No. For the first time in his life he‘s keeping his mouth shut.
EVAN
Why?
MARK
Because every time he opens it, I leave the room.
EVAN
Is he ... is he okay?
MARK
No. He has cancer.
EVAN
I know but, like, what kind?
MARK
Testicular. Balls.
EVAN
Oh my god, but that‘s like --- that‘s like the kind of cancer that you beat, right?
MARK
Yes.
EVAN
Thank god.
MARK
It‘s also the kind of cancer that you die from.
EVAN
But not Peter. Right? He‘ll beat it. […] Does anyone else know? Does Collin?
MARK
No one else. Not yet.
EVAN
Why did you tell me? [. . .] Mark, if there‘s anything I can do for Peter---
MARK
I‘m certain there‘s no end to the things people can do for Peter.
EVAN
If there‘s anything I can do for you.
MARK
I‘ve had no one to go to. Peter is the person I go to. [EVAN crosses to MARK and hugs
him tight, tighter, a major comfort hug.]
EVAN
You can come to me. I‘ll listen. I don‘t really know what to say, I‘ve never known
anyone who was really sick. But I can be there, you know? I‘m good at being there.
Okay? [MARK nods silently from within the hug.] I love you, Mark. [MARK kisses
EVAN intentionally. EVAN does not resist at first, but then tries to pull away, but MARK
continues to kiss.] Oh, uh, no! Mark, Mark--[Getting away.] I think you‘re, um, I think
you‘re emotional right now, and ... that‘s okay, let‘s just ---.
MARK
Evan?
EVAN
Yeah?
MARK
I think it‘s time that you and I fucked.
EVAN
Don‘t say that.
MARK
Why not?
EVAN
What about … what about Peter?
MARK
What about Peter?
EVAN
Well, what about my boyfriend? What about Collin? [MARK shrugs.] I think I should
go. Or something. God, it‟s freezing!
MARK
Evan, it‘s okay.
EVAN
I know that, I just … I think ... we shouldn‘t--- um.
MARK
It‘s okay.
EVAN
I mean, sure, Collin and I have talked about it. You know? We‘ve talked about you. In
bed and stuff.
MARK
Of course you have. Peter and I have talked about you.
EVAN
About me and Collin?
MARK
About you.
EVAN
Really? [He considers. The quickly reconsiders.] Wait, would Peter be okay with this?
MARK
Of course not. He‘d be jealous as hell.
EVAN
Jealous? Of you or of -- ? This is weird.
MARK
Alright.
EVAN
I want to go. Can I go, please?
MARK
Any time you like. [Neither moves. Beat.] Would you like to know what Peter and I
have talked about doing with you?
EVAN
No. Yes. No.
MARK
I‘d like to know what you and Collin talked about.
EVAN
It‘s just fantasy. It‘s just crazy stuff we talk about to get each other off sometimes. It‘s
not like we‘re serious.
MARK
Peter and I are serious.
EVAN
No, it‘s just bedroom talk.
MARK
Peter would let you fuck him ten ways till next Tuesday and not feel a bit sorry about it.
EVAN
Gross.
MARK
I won‘t tell him you said that.
EVAN
You‘re not going to tell Peter we kissed are you? [MARK shrugs.] Oh my god, I‘m
going to puke.
MARK
If you puke in my classroom, Mr. Wilder, you‘ll be asked to leave.
EVAN
This is so gross.
MARK
Why? What‘s gross? Do you think I‟m gross?
EVAN
You‘re my friend, Mark. My boyfriend is your friend. Your boyfriend is my friend and
my boyfriend‘s friend. We‘re all friends.
MARK
And?
EVAN
And we need to not … kiss each other when we‘re wet. And stuff. Plus, you‘re like—I
mean no offense or whatever—but I‘m like the same age as your students. You don‘t
want to be that guy who sleeps with his students.
MARK
I am that guy who sleeps with his students.
EVAN
You sleep with your students?
MARK
Not all of them.
EVAN
Does Peter know?
MARK
He‘ll tell you he doesn‘t. [EVAN looks horrified.] You poor kid. I‘m blowing your
mind, aren‘t I?
EVAN
You just stood there and told me your boyfriend has cancer and now you‘re telling me
you want to sleep with me?
MARK
Take all the time you need with that.
EVAN
Have you even considered that I might say No?
MARK
Have you considered saying it?
EVAN
I‘m in love with my boyfriend, okay? I‘m in love with Collin.
MARK
You are so young.
EVAN
That‘s sort of a mean thing to say to me. Sort of.
MARK
I‘m not trying to be mean. Look, perhaps my extreme sexual attraction to you is
confounding my attempt at honesty, and turning it to meanness. That isn‘t my intention, I
promise you.
EVAN
I don‘t think you should talk about being attracted to me.
MARK
Is there anything else you‘d like me not to talk about? Any words I shouldn‘t say?
[Beat.] You know your boyfriend approached me about having a threesome?
EVAN
Collin told you that? […] How much longer til our clothes are dry?
MARK
Evan. Is it possible that you‘re afraid of sex?
EVAN
I have a lot of sex.
MARK
Okay.
EVAN
A LOT of sex.
MARK
Good.
EVAN
So, I don‘t need to sleep with you or Peter. Or any of my friends.
MARK
Okay. You don‘t need to. Do you want to?
EVAN
It doesn‘t matter what I want.
MARK
Ah. It doesn‘t matter what you want.
EVAN
Yes.
MARK
It doesn‟t matter what you want.
EVAN
Yes.
MARK
It doesn‘t matter what you want.
EVAN
Stop staying that.
MARK
I want you to hear how ridiculous it sounds.
EVAN
It‘s not ridiculous. I have a boyfriend. It doesn‘t matter what I want.
MARK
[Laughing.] Do you hear yourself? You only have a boyfriend because it‘s something
you want. The whole reason you came out of the closet was to live the way you want.
EVAN
I came out of the closet because I had no other choice.
MARK
Bullshit.
EVAN
It‘s not bullshit, I didn‘t choose to be gay.
MARK
But you chose to be out. Plenty of cocksuckers go about their lives with wives and
children and Subarus and no one is ever the wiser. Those people, it doesn‘t matter what
they want. They‘ve decided to be superfluous. But you have surrounded yourself with
attractive, successful, out gay men. You chose that, so you tell me, Evan. What do you
want?
EVAN
Just because I have a bunch of gay friends doesn‘t mean I want to fuck them.
MARK
You‘re right, it doesn‘t.
EVAN
Besides, a lot of my friends happen to be straight.
MARK
They‘re not your friends.
EVAN
What?
MARK
Your little frat buddies do not care about you.
EVAN
That‘s a horrible thing to say.
MARK
It‘s a worse thing to ignore.
EVAN
Fuck you.
MARK
I‘m trying to save you a lot of disappointment, kid. Heterosexuals hate you. They hate
you. They may tolerate you, they may laugh at you. They may tell you they love you
and want the same things you do, but in the end, they wish we‘d all just. Go. Away. And
do you know why?
EVAN
Do tell me.
MARK
Because it bothers them that we fuck each other.
EVAN
That‘s it?
MARK
That‘s it. They‘re fine with the fact that we‘re men who love men. What they cannot
accept is that we‘re men who sodomize men. And we should sodomize men. As many
men as possible. As often as possible. And we should talk about it and write about it and
make ugly pretentious art about it. Because when they are reminded that we put our
dicks inside of one another, and –worse—that we like it, that‘s when their stomachs turn.
That‘s when we get compared to pedophiles and sheep fuckers and the worst kind of
humans imaginable.
EVAN
I don‘t think you understand straight people at all. I can‘t believe you just got that award.
You‘re totally a … I don‘t know . . . a straightest.
MARK
How many people at your new job know you‘re gay?
EVAN
It‘s a new job, they hardly know my last name.
MARK
Your sexual identity is more important than your last name.
EVAN
You can‘t be / serious.
MARK
It‘s the first thing you know about Heterosexuals.
EVAN
No it‘s / not.
MARK
You shake their hands weighted down by wedding rings. In their offices, nothing but
pictures of the people they fuck, and the pictures of the children they made from fucking
these people.
EVAN
You‘re reading / a lot into that—
MARK
How many pictures of your boyfriend you got hanging in your cubicle?
EVAN
That‘s different, / Mark!
MARK
How often do you talk about him at the watercooler?
EVAN
It‘s different, I don‘t work with a bunch of art majors!
MARK
No, you work with a bunch of breeders who love you you soooo much!
EVAN
Fuck you!
MARK
Grow up!
EVAN
I am grown up!
MARK
You can pretend to be straight all you want, baby, it doesn‘t change the fact that you are a
homosexual / You‘re a pervert! [He rips EVAN‟s baseball cap from his head and flings it
behind them.]
EVAN
Stop it, Mark, shut the hell up! [He picks up some stupid clay sculpture in the making
and hurls it at MARK, almost hitting him. It shatters. EVAN immediately feels horrible
about it.] Oh my god, I‘m so sorry. That was your students‘, I didn‘t mean to --- [But he
is cut off by MARK who grabs the nearest art sculpture-in-progress and smashes it to the
ground, violently and intentionally.] JESUS CHRIST MARK!
MARK
You want to fight dirty? / I can fight dirty!
EVAN
You don‘t care about anything, do you!? You don‘t care about anyone!
MARK
When I was your age, caring for someone meant watching him die. I could not fuck the
men I loved. Do you understand? I could not fuck the men who loved me.
EVAN
None of that is my fault!!!
MARK
Now who doesn‘t care about anyone?
EVAN
What is that supposed to mean?
MARK
[Rage.] It means that I‟m a homosexual, and you‟re just a silly faggot trying to pass!
[MARK turns and walks away. Incensed, EVAN takes a running leap at MARK, leaps
onto his back and begins hitting him, hitting him, slugging him to the floor. They begin
slugging it out. MARK mostly trying to deflect and submit, but EVAN is wild, enraged.]
EVAN
Take that back! You take that back! Take it back!/ fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck you!
MARK
Stop stop. . . . . I‘m goddamnit, stop it. Get off me. Get off! Cool it! Cool it!
[MARK, way bigger, has him pinned to the ground to cool off.]
EVAN
Let me go / let me go get your fucking hands off me!
MARK
Calm down! Just, jesus--- will you—calm down? [He pulls off of EVAN who
immediately springs up, pacing manic around the room, wild.]
EVAN
I have tried VERY hard to be a gay man. Okay? I‘ve TRIED!!! I don‘t know what I‘m
doing. I didn‘t get a fucking handbook. All you old faggots think that just because a
bunch of trannies and leather daddies marched down Christopher Street a million years
ago, that I‘m supposed to owe you something, but I‘m too busy being scared that I‘ll end
up just like you. I DON‘T WANT TO BE ANYTHING LIKE YOU!!!!
MARK
Don‘t worry. You won‘t be
[The dryer buzzes. They stare at each other. If EVAN‟s sheet has come off, he picks it
up, re-swaths himself.]
EVAN
[Shaking, wounded, he crosses toward the exit to the laundry room.] I may not know
who I am. But I know that I need to surround myself with friends who will help me be
that person. From here on out, you and I are not friends.
[End scene.]
2000: Collin
[A cool summer evening. The back porch of the condo from ACT I, SCENE 2. Some
plants, patio furniture, Pottery Barn-ish. There is a screen door which leads from the
patio to the kitchen. A half destroyed fancy cheese dip with veggies and bread sits on the
patio table. Dressed casually in clothes maybe just a tad too big for him, COLLIN, 31
enjoys a cigarette and a glass of wine. Deep inside the condo, we hear the tintin of the
television broadcasting the 2000 Tony Awards. MARK and PETER and BRITISH MARK
are in attendance. Noise from inside is light, but audible. Then a disapproving squawk
from PETER inside. Someone has been inappropriately awarded. After a moment,
footsteps from within, BRITISH MARK, 31, carrying his wine glass.]
BRITISH MARK
Collin, can you believe it? You‘ve picked the right one again. A woman named Karen
Ziemba.
COLLIN
I picked her? [BRITISH MARK nods.] For what? Best actress?
BRITISH MARK
Supporting actress. In a musical.
COLLIN
Which musical?
BRITISH MARK
I have no idea. Do you? [He doesn‟t.] Oh it is pleasant out here, isn‘t it?
COLLIN
I was hoping we could move the party outside once the show‘s over.
BRITISH MARK
Unfortunately, that show‘s never over. Peter‘s getting pissy because he isn‘t winning any
of his bets and Mark is getting pissy because Peter‘s getting pissy. It seemed a perfect
opportunity to pop out and have some of your delightful cheese dip.
COLLIN
It‘s a havarti fondue.
BRITISH MARK
Of course it is. It‘s almost gone, did you have any?
COLLIN
You know I can‘t eat that.
BRITISH MARK
My mother always told me never to trust a cook who doesn‘t eat his own cooking.
Luckily, I never trusted my mother.
COLLIN
Leave some for Tam. I promised we‘d save some for her.
BRITISH MARK
Collin, we are in absolutely zero danger of running out of food. You cooked enough to
feed the foreign legion. My god, it‘s just a friendly get together.
COLLIN
I started cooking and couldn‘t stop.
BRITISH MARK
Everything alright? You used to only cook like that when you were nervous. Remember
that night at school I came home to a Christmas feast spread across our dormitory floor?
COLLIN
It was nothing. I was feeling festive.
BRITISH MARK
It was April. You were feeling stressed.
COLLIN
I never heard a complaint from you about my cooking.
BRITISH MARK
Nor will you ever. You‘re a wizard with a whisk. I‘m a failure in the kitchen, I‘m afraid.
COLLIN
I know.
BRITISH MARK
You‘ll have to teach me to cook. Some day. In the future.
COLLIN
Do you have a grill?
BRITISH MARK
Collin, I hardly have plates. You‘ll have to keep it simple for me.
COLLIN
I know a quick salmon recipe. With a dill sauce. It looks impressive, but it‘s easy.
BRITISH MARK
And it‘s good?
COLLIN
It‘ll get ya laid.
BRITISH MARK
Brilliant.
COLLIN
And one serving is only ten points.
BRITISH MARK
Oh? And what about that spread on your dining room table? How many points is that?
COLLIN
Screw points. Tonight is about friends. Not weight loss.
BRITISH MARK
Well well. Shall I bring out more wine?
COLLIN
It‘s by the fridge.
BRITISH MARK
[Exiting, but still talking as he starts preparing the wine from inside.] I know, I brought
it, remember? Oh, it smells wonderful in here. Why didn‘t I snatch you up before that
nasty Tommy came along? Where is your boyfriend, by the way? Collin, a wine key?
COLLIN
In the drawer by the dishwasher.
BRITISH MARK
[We hear him rustling around.] In the drawer . . . by the . . . Ah, found it. So what time
are the others expected tonight?
COLLIN
Tam said she‘d be here a half an hour ago, which means she‘ll be here in about ten
minutes. Michael‘s stopping by after his shift.
BRITISH MARK
I hope he brings those chocolate orange slices. Can you believe they just toss those at the
end of the day?
COLLIN
Yes. They‘re disposable.
BRITISH MARK
Chocolate is not disposable. Chocolate is a commodity.
COLLIN
[Almost to himself.] It‘s been ages since I‘ve had chocolate.
BRITISH MARK
[Re-entering with two glasses of wine.] And what about Tommy? Will the child bride be
gracing us with his frosted tips tonight?
COLLIN
You opened the white?
BRITISH MARK
Yes. Was that wrong?
COLLIN
No. White is fine.
BRITISH MARK
A toast then. [Handing COLLIN one of the glasses.] To?
COLLIN
The future.
BRITISH MARK
The future? No. A toast to you, my friend. I can‘t even lift 125 pounds, let alone lose it.
A toast to you and you‘re swiftly diminishing waistline. Congratulations. How‘s it feel to
have reached your goal weight?
COLLIN
It‘s no shock. We all knew I‘d get there.
BRITISH MARK
Buck up, Collin. 125 pounds! You‘ve lost an entire twink!
COLLIN
Tommy broke up with me.
[A squeal from PETER inside and a cheer from MARK.]
BRITISH MARK
Oh, Collin.
COLLIN
I-----
BRITISH MARK
What happened? When?
COLLIN
Last night. I‘ve been fighting all night and cooking all day.
BRITISH MARK
What happened?
COLLIN
Ready for this? I‘ve gotten ―too thin.‖
BRITISH MARK
Stop. No. [COLLIN nods. A pause. And then, they both start laughing. It‟s small at first
and then turns into loud shared hysterical laughter.] Oh that‘s awful.
COLLIN
I know. After all that grief about my size and ―I‘m only concerned about your health,
Collin.‖
BRITISH MARK
Oh. My. God. It‘s too much!
COLLIN
You said it; I lost a twink. [The door buzzer from inside.] Mm, there‘s someone.
[From inside we hear MARK. The dialogue in the right column is faint and inside the
condo, happening in tandem with the onstage dialogue which should be given main
focus.]
BRITISH MARK MARK

Too thin? Has he looked in a mirror lately? I‘ve got it. [Pushing the door buzzer.]
Too thin, my arse! Yes?
COLLIN TAM [On the intercom]

I know. It‘s me.
BRITISH MARK [A buzzer, followed by a moment as TAM

Oh Jesus. Well, honey, I‘m sorry. climbs the stairs, sounds of MARK opening
the door, they greet.]
COLLIN
I, no, it‘s fine. I don‘t think I need to talk
about it.
BRITISH MARK
Well, let me know when you‘re good and
over him, so I can tell you exactly how I

really felt about him.
COLLIN MARK
I‘ve been a wreck all day. Young lady, it‘s a school night.
BRITISH MARK TAM

Why didn‘t you cancel tonight? We‘d have Hi, hooker. Where‘s the food?
all understood.
MARK
COLLIN In the kitchen. The boys are on the deck.
No, the last thing I need is to sit around and
wallow in my own misery. Besides, there‘s TAM
nothing left in the house to cook. I‘d have [Trouncing through the kitchen to get to
to start grilling the ottoman. And, listen, the deck.] Can I tell you I have been
do me a favor, okay? Don‘t tell the gang looking forward to Collin‘s cheesy poofs
about Tommy. I want tonight to be a all day?
celebration. Not a pity party.
MARK
BRITISH MARK I‘ll see you out there in a minute. I think
My lips are sealed. the fairy awards just ended.
[TAM, 28, enters through the screen door. She carries a grocery bag.]
TAM
Why does everyone I know live on the top floor? My feet are killing me. Hello, Future
Hubby.
BRITISH MARK
Hello, Future Wifey.
TAM
[To COLLIN.] And I don‘t believe we‘ve met. I‘m Tam, it‘s nice to--- Oh my GOD,
you‘re Collin! I didn‘t recognize you because you‘re [Pulling a bottle of cheap wine out
of the bag.] ONE HUNDRED AND TWENTY FIVE POUNDS SKINNIER!!! Wooooooo!
[Without looking, she hands the bottle behind her to BRITISH MARK who instinctually
takes it and leaves to the kitchen.] Congratulations, Skinny Minnie. How‘s it feel?
COLLIN
It‘s a big weight off my chest.
TAM
Har dee har har. Here. Don‘t say I never got you nothing. [She shoves the grocery bag
into his arms.]
COLLIN
What‘s this?
TAM
You told me to bring dessert.
COLLIN
[He pulls two packages of Oreos out of the bag.] Oh, honey, you baked.
TAM
Do you have any idea how hard it was for me to buy the reduced fat kind?
COLLIN
That was very sweet. Thank you.
TAM
It smells amazing in there! You really outdid yourself.
COLLIN
Thank you.
TAM
I am famished. I haven‘t eaten a thing all day. [Calling off.] Sure wish I had some wine
right now!
BRITISH MARK
[Entering with corkscrew in the bottle. He‟s on his cell phone.] . . .well that‘s wonderful
then. [Motions to TAM and COLLIN, “Hang on a minute.”] No, it‘s wonderful.
Yes, bring him. Of course. Don‘t be ridiculous. The more the
merrier. No, I said ―the more the merrier.‖ Yes. Alright, then. See
you soon. Bye bye. Bye. [Hangs up.] Sorry. That was Michael. [Resumes uncorking.]
COLLIN
Everything okay?
BRITISH MARK
More than okay. It seems he‘s met a boy.
COLLIN
Michael? Michael our Michael?
TAM
Is there any other kind?
BRITISH MARK
Apparently, this young man is new to the city. Just graduated from Iowa.
COLLIN
Oh my god, Iowa. Tell me more.
BRITISH MARK
I guess he stopped into the candy store today and they struck up conversation.
TAM
Oh yay for Michael. It‘s about time.
BRITISH MARK
Michael wanted to know if he could bring the boy tonight.
COLLIN
Only if he brings enough to share with everyone.
TAM
You shut up, you have a boy. Leave some gays for the straight girls.
BRITISH MARK
This Mr. Iowa sounds pretty young.
TAM
He can sit at the kid‘s table with Tommy. Where is your boyfriend anyway?
COLLIN
Tommy, um.----
BRITISH MARK
Tommy lost his appetite.
TAM
What‘s that supposed to mean? Is that a gay thing?
BRITISH MARK
Wine?
TAM
God, yes. I need it. [Looking around for a glass.] Today has been a barrage of emails
from students wanting to know what they can do for extra credit. The computer lab must
be flooded with hyperventilating undergrads in pajama bottoms. I keep trying to explain
that ―extra credit‖ implies work in addition to the assignments not instead of. Keep in
mind these are students who were absolutely theoretical until the very end of the quarter.
What else is new? [Having not found a glass.] I guess I‘ll just drink this from the
horse‘s mouth.
COLLIN
[Before the bottle reaches her lips, COLLIN grabs it and exits with it to the kitchen.] I‘ll
get you a glass.
TAM
Thanks, Slim. You‘re a real pal. [To BRITISH MARK.] So, what‘s up, Hubby? I
haven‘t seen you since this last one of these.
BRITISH MARK
[Waving her in close. Whispering quickly.] Listen, Tommy‘s broken off with Collin.
TAM
[Whisper.] Shut up! Why?
BRITISH MARK
It‘s because of the weight loss I guess. But, whatever the reason, they‘re no longer.
TAM
That‘s awesome. Tommy sucked.
BRITISH MARK
I know. We all know, but Collin‘s extra sensitive tonight and he doesn‘t want anyone to
know, so don‘t----
TAM
Of course of course. I won‘t say a word.
BRITISH MARK
Just thought you‘d want to know.
COLLIN
[Re-entering with a glass of wine for TAM and the bottle.] What‘s with all the
whispering, kids? Secrets don‘t make friends.
TAM
We‘re talking about Michael‘s new boy.
BRITISH MARK
I don‘t know as we can call him Michael‘s new boy. They‘ve only just met today.
COLLIN
Tommy came home with me the day we met, and he stayed ---
BRITISH MARK
Right, so. . .
TAM
Exactly.
[. . .]
COLLIN
You told her!
BRITISH MARK
I only hinted. She guessed.
TAM
It‘s okay, Collin. You can do so much better. Tommy had ―lemon face.‖
COLLIN
I can‘t believe you two.
TAM
Listen, you‘re better off. And now, you‘ve got a really good excuse to get incredibly
wasted tonight. Plus, you‘ve got a brand new body, Collin. You‘re like a new you. It‘s
time to play the field, pearl your oyster, other analogies. I don‘t know, the point is,
you‘ve got an amazing future in front of you, and thank Christ, Tommy‘s not in it.
BRITISH MARK
I‘ll second that.
TAM
Good god, let‘s drink.
[PETER flings open the screen door, upset. MARK behind him.]
PETER
SUSAN STROMAN SHOULD BE SHOT!
COLLIN
Who‘s Susan Stroman?
PETER
And so should you.
BRITISH MARK
I take it the right musical didn‘t win.
PETER
They didn‘t award a musical at all.
BRITISH MARK
What?
MARK
They did, Peter.
PETER
Contact is not a musical. Contact is a mix tape on stage. I can listen to the goddamn
radio for free! Hello, Tamela. I love your top.
TAM
Thanks. I like your top.
PETER
[Indicating MARK.] Oh this old thing?
COLLIN
I should bring out the quiches, yeah?
TAM AND BRITTISH MARK

Yes.
PETER
Is this everyone? Where‘s the rest of the He Man Woman Haters Club? Where‘s cute,
little, adorable Tommy?
BRITISH MARK
Tommy can‘t make it tonight.
PETER
Good. No one likes her.
BRITISH MARK
And we‘re still waiting on Michael.
COLLIN
I‘ll bring more wine, too. Can I get anyone a drink?
PETER
Please. [To TAM.] Darling, what is it that you‘re having?
TAM
Cramps.
PETER
Sounds fancy. I‘ll have that. Marky! Would you be a honey and grab us some glasses?
COLLIN
I got it.
MARK
I‘ll come with.
[MARK and COLLIN exit.]
PETER
British Mark, I meant to tell you, the other day I was reading this article and blah blah
blah---- [frantic whisper.] Oh my god, did they break up?
TAM
Um. . .
BRITISH MARK
Uh. . .
PETER
Come on!
BRITISH MARK
Yes, but don‘t say anything---
PETER
I knew it! Well, that‘s one bet I didn‘t lose.
COLLIN
[Re-entering with MARK who has a glass for PETER.] What‘s that?
PETER
Nothing, darling. What a lovely night. The food‘s fantastic, you‘re as skinny as a rubber
chicken, and Mark, you owe me five dollars.
MARK
Why? [To COLLIN.] Oh, you broke up with Tommy?
COLLIN
Can anyone keep a secret?
BRITISH MARK
I said nothing.
TAM
He beat it out of me, I swear.
PETER
Baby, it was inevitable. Like death and Andrew Lloyd Weber. Yes, it‘s terrible, but now
it‘s in the past, and, I don‘t think I‘m alone in this sentiment, you‘re better for it.
BRITISH MARK
How about a toast?
TAM
To Collin.
ALL
To Collin.
[The screen door opens, and MICHAEL is standing there.]
MICHAEL
I missed the toast?
BRITISH MARK
Michael!
PETER
Hooray! [Making confetti fingers.] Streamers!
COLLIN
I didn‘t hear the buzzer.
MICHAEL
The downstairs door was open.
TAM
Well, that was careless of someone.
COLLIN
Welcome, baby. Glad you could make it.
TAM
What‘s in the bag? Tell me it‘s fudge.
MICHAEL
It‘s gummi coke bottles.
TAM
You‘re dead to me.
[Entering behind MICHAEL, in a t-shirt, shorts, and his Hawkeyes baseball cap, EVAN.]
EVAN
Hey, Mike, did you see all that food on the table? [Seeing everyone, a little intimidated.]
Oh, hey.
MARK
Hel-lo.
MICHAEL
Everybody, this is Evan. He just moved here from Iowa.
MARK
He sure did.
TAM
[Pause. Oh hell, she‘ll break the ice.] Hi, Evan. I‘m Tam. It‘s nice to meet you.
EVAN
Nice to meet you too, Ma‘am.
TAM
[Wincing at the „ma‟am‟.] Oh dear.
MARK
Iowa.
PETER
Soooooo, tell us your story. Who are your people? What do you do? Are you an actor?
If so, you and I should definitely talk.
MARK
Peter! Heel!
PETER
What! I‘m talking business. Now I we can this evening off.
MARK
I already wrote this evening off.
BRITISH MARK
Evan, I‘m Mark.
COLLIN
British Mark. Not to be confused with American Mark.
MARK
Howdy.
EVAN
Hi.
COLLIN
I‘m Collin. This is my place.
EVAN
Hi Collin. Place to meet you. I mean … Nice to meet you. Nice place. Sorry.
BRITISH MARK
Evan, would you like something to drink?
EVAN
Um … a Miller light?
MARK
Iowa.
BRITISH MARK
Would a Negra Modelo suffice?
EVAN
Sure, I mean, beer is beer, right?
TAM
Oh shit, am I going to fall in love with you?
BRITISH MARK
I‘ll see what I can find. [Exits to kitchen.]
EVAN
Thanks, Mark—uh, British Mark? That‘s right, right?
[MICHAEL nods.]
PETER
It‘s so cute when it speaks.
MARK
Shut up.
MICHAEL
Guys, go easy on Evan, okay? He just got into town today.
PETER
Just got into town? It‘s classic. Like an old play. Like Oklahoma or The Music Man. Or
Sweeny Todd. Dear, have you ever noticed that Sweeny Todd is plot point for plot point
the same as How To Succeed in Business Without Really Trying? I tell you it‘s true.
MARK
Peter, we‘re finally done with the Tony‘s. Can we please be done with the Tony talk?
PETER
What, I can‘t offer one teensy observation on a classic musical theatre motif?
MARK
Honey, nobody cares about musical theatre but you.
BRITISH MARK
[Re-entering with a Modello Negra.] I rather enjoyed Rent. Here you are.
EVAN
Thanks.
TAM
I like musical theatre. I mean, I don‘t enjoy watching it or listening to it, but I pay money
to see it.
PETER
What‘s the matter with you gays? I‘m talking about musical theatre! Back me up.
MICHAEL
I‘m gay, and I don‘t go to the theatre.
PETER
Not even when you have a comp. I know.
EVAN
I saw a good play.
[. . .]
TAM
Really? What play did you see?
EVAN
It was called Love Valour Compassion. I went with my Queer History class.
COLLIN
Queer History.
PETER
We‘re no longer old, we‘re historical.
MARK
Iowa.
BRITISH MARK
And what did you think of the play? Did you like it?
EVAN
I thought it was … I thought it was nice.
PETER
Nice?
EVAN
Yeah, I thought it was nice the way everyone kinda made their own family, you know? I
think that‘s important, to take care of each other?
COLLIN
I think so too.
EVAN
Anyway, I wrote a paper on it.
BRITISH MARK
Michael, you‘re awful quiet tonight.
PETER
Blowjob for your thoughts?
MICHAEL
I‘m just, happy to be here.
MARK
And how do you two know each other?
EVAN
I met him at the Candy Store.
PETER
He turned around and smiled at me.
COLLIN
You get the picture?
PETER, MARK, TAM

Yes we see.
EVAN
Hunh?
BRITISH MARK
Ignore them.
EVAN
Uh, anyway, Michael was really nice and he said there was a party tonight and I wasn‘t
doing anything so ... hey everybody.
COLLIN
Well, you‘re more than welcome. We‘re glad you could make it.
EVAN
Thanks. So, how do you guys all know each other?
[All at once.]
TAM
I‘m gonna need some more wine if we‘re going to get into that.
BRITISH MARK
Collin and I lived together while he was studying abroad.
PETER
We all belong to the same sex club. You should join!
MARK
I‘ve never met these people before in my life.
COLLIN
British Mark and I were roommates when I was at school, and we‘ve been best friends
ever since.
MICHEAL
Wait, wait. One at a time, people. One at a time.
BRITISH MARK
We‘re all friends.
TAM
Except me and British Mark. We‘re engaged.
EVAN
Oh, congratulations. Sorry, I just assumed you were ---?
BRITISH MARK
I am.
PETER
The wedding is a sham, I tell you. A fake!
TAM
Just like the ring. Look. Isn‘t it tasteful?
BRITISH MARK
I offered.
COLLIN
[To EVAN.] You should come to the wedding.
PETER
Ooo, yes, you can be my date. [MARK slaps him on the wrist.] Sorry, you can be our
date.
MICHAEL
Slow down, everybody. Evan just got here. He may not want to go to the fake wedding
of a ---
EVAN
I‘d love to go. Thanks.
BRITISH MARK
Don‘t worry, even though we‘re technically engaged, I‘m still allowed to sleep with
recent graduates from Iowa.
EVAN
And how did you two meet?
BRITISH MARK
Through Mark.
MARK
Tam teaches in my department.
EVAN
Yeah? What do you teach?
TAM
I teach Art History.
MARK
And I teach as little as possible.
EVAN
[COLLIN and BRITISH MARK.] And are you guys ... together?
[BRITISH MARK almost chokes on his drink.]
COLLIN
[To BRITISH MARK.] Oh, thank you. Nice. Real classy.
TAM
They‘re not together, but if I remember correctly, you two did meet in a sex club.
BRITISH MARK
That was you?
TAM
Then you two [BRITISH MARK and MARK] started dating after you two [BRITISH
MARK and COLLIN] decided you were better off as friends. Then you two [BRITISH
MARK and PETER] fucked a couple times.
MARK
[To PETER] You did?
PETER
[To Tam.] Last time I tell you anything.
TAM
I never realized how incestuous our little group is.
COLLIN
So?
TAM
So, if I walked into a dinner party where every other guest was an ex boyfriend, I would
vomit then leave. It baffles me how you all insist on staying in each other‘s lives once
you‘ve ruined them.
COLLIN
Well, we‘ve made a conscious choice to remain friends.
TAM
You say that like it‘s some defining factor of a successful relationship. ―Oh, we broke
up, but it‟s okay! We‘re still friends.‖
COLLIN
It is okay. We are still friends.
TAM
But everybody knows everything about everyone.
MARK
Keep your present close, and your history closer, I say.
TAM
Not me. A man with a history is mysterious, but a woman with a history is a history
professor.
MARK
Ladies and gentlemen, my fiancé.
TAM
That‘s why the only male friends I have are gay. Women don‘t make friends of exes.
We make exes of friends.
PETER
Touché.
MICHEAL
I haven‘t slept with anyone here.
COLLIN
Didn‘t you and --? Oh. I guess not.
[…]
BRITISH MARK
And that‘s why we all love Michael the very best. [Raising his glass.] To everyone‘s
best friend, Michael.
ALL
Cheers. Hear hear, etc.
MICHAEL
And ... to Collin. For being half the man he used to be.
TAM
Hear hear.
ALL
To Collin.
PETER
And while we‘re at it, why not? To Mark and I. Next month, we‘ll have been together
for five years. Five long, horrible, frustrating, art and theatre-filled years.
MARK
I‘ll drink to that.
COLLIN
To new beginnings. New pant sizes. New people. Like Evan. Thanks for joining us
tonight.
MICHAEL
Yes, to Evan.
ALL
To Evan.
EVAN
Gosh.
BRITISH MARK
Now, it‘s your turn. Give us a toast.
EVAN
Oh, um ... now I‘m nervous. Uh. Okay. To the future.
TAM
Woo hoo, to the future.
PETER
Ugh, the future. No offense, Kreskin, but I never toast to the future.
MICHAEL
Why not?
MARK
Here we go.
PETER
I make it a point never to concern myself with the unknown.
BRITISH MARK
Careful, you‘re beginning to sound English.
PETER
The future is ambiguous. Like Capri pants. I‘d much rather concentrate on the here and
now, on all of the many this-very-moments that make up a life. Never mind about the
future.
MICHAEL
But, you have to have some idea of a future. Otherwise where‘s the hope? Isn‘t the
whole point of having dreams that they hopefully come true in the future?
PETER
No, the whole point of having dreams is having dreams. Now. We all have dreams, of
course we do, because we‘re human. And we have hope, I think, to a certain extent
because we‘re homosexuals. But it‘s the wanting that makes us who we are, not the
getting.
MICHAEL
I don‘t know.
PETER
Michael, what if you knew that in the future none of your dreams would come true?
Wouldn‘t you stop dreaming? Then who would you be? Certainly not Michael.
EVAN
But the future‘s always changing. [Beat. Everyone, including Evan, a little surprised by
his contribution.] Sorry, I don‘t mean to interrupt, I . . .
MICHAEL
No. Keep going.
EVAN
Well, I just mean … the future‘s not this unchanging place, you know? It‘s up to people
to make it what it is at every minute. It‘s not like this place that stays the same no matter
what you do or who you take with you. It‘s not. . . . West Des Moines.
MARK
God, let‘s hope not.
EVAN
I bet if you had, like, a crystal ball, and you could see into a specific time in your future,
it would look totally different when you got there. Because what you saw was only your
future at the moment that you looked into the crystal ball. Something you do later that
day could totally change your future. Right?
TAM
My brain hurts.
MICHAEL
I agree with Evan.
COLLIN
And I agree with everyone. You‘re all right. Yes to Everything.
MARK
[Raising his glass.] To Everything.
PETER
I‘ll drink to that.
TAM
Well, if this isn‘t a perfect moment to bust out the dessert, I don‘t know what is.
BRITISH MARK
Agreed!
PETER
There‘s dessert?
COLLIN
Compliments of Tam.
MARK
I couldn‘t eat another thing.
PETER
Then don‘t bother coming home tonight.
TAM
[To MARK.] Well, grab a plate anyway. You can carry my overspill.
MICHAEL
Wait, we can‘t start dessert without Tommy.
TAM
It‘s okay. He‘s not coming.
MICHAEL
[Excitedly, to COLLIN.] Oh, did you guys break up!?
COLLIN
Did anyone like my boyfriend?
[As they all begin to exit, MARK pulls PETER back, kisses him softly. PETER mouths, “I
love you” to him, they smile and walk in. From inside we hear rumblings of dinner din
and conversation. EVAN stays back, and MICHAEL pops back out to see him.]
MICHAEL
You coming?
EVAN
In a minute. I have to make a phone call.
MICHAEL
Okay. [. . .] I‘m really glad you came tonight.
EVAN
Me too. Thanks for inviting me. Your friends are awesome.
MICHAEL
They‘re not too much?
EVAN
No. They‘re great. You‘re lucky. I would love to have friends like that.
MICHAEL
Well, now you do.
EVAN
Just like that?
MICHAEL
Just like that.
EVAN
There‘s no, like, induction ceremony?
MICHAEL
I‘ll show you later.
EVAN
Ooo, I‘m scared.
MICHAEL
You should be. [Smiles.] I‘ll save you place at the table, okay?
EVAN
Cool.
MICHAEL
Evan, I‘m. . . . really looking forward to getting to know you.
EVAN
Me too. [MICHAEL smiles, exits to the kitchen. EVAN pulls out his cell phone, take a
deep breath, calls his mother on speed dial.] Hey. Hi. I didn‘t wake you
up did I? Okay. Good. I made it in okay. I think I left a bag
in the living room with--- oh you did? Okay. No, you don‘t have to---- Um,
okay, well, I don‘t technically have an address yet, but when I do, I‘ll. . . .
No, I have a place to stay, I have a--- I‘m not lying. Mom!
Whatever. I just wanted to call and let you know that I‘m here and I‘m safe. [Behind
him COLLIN enters quietly. EVAN does not notice him.] How, um, how‘s Dad?
Right. Right. Does he want to talk? Yeah. No, I
understand. If he‘s in the middle of something, that‘s. . …yeah. Nothing, I
just, um, I met this person today. It‘s funny. I stopped into a candy store and he was,
um, there, and we started talking and he invited me to this party tonight. . . . .. . . No, it‘s
not like that. No, they‘re nice. They‘re good people. I‘m being
careful, Mom. They‘re not psychos. They‘re nice people. They like me.
They‘re like me. Mom, I think you should be happy for me that I made
some friends already. I‘m sure I will. Okay. Well tell Dad I‘m
okay and I‘ll let you know about an address as soon as I have one, okay? Alright. Tell
Bitsy I love her. [He hangs up. He turns around and sees COLLIN.] Oh, gosh. I didn‘t
know you were there.
COLLIN
I‘ve been eaves dropping. Wasn‘t that rude of me?
EVAN
Everyone‘s not waiting on me, are they?
COLLIN
I‘m sure they‘re not any more.
EVAN
Sorry.
COLLIN
Shh, don‘t be sorry.
EVAN
It‘s a really nice night. This is a cool porch, deck, thingy. I like that you have a grill.
COLLIN
You‘re scared to death aren‘t you?
EVAN
Excuse me?
COLLIN
We‘re scaring you.
EVAN
What would I be scared of?
COLLIN
How old are you?
EVAN
Twenty one. Almost.
COLLIN
Almost? God, to be twenty at the beginning of a century. That must feel pretty exciting.
EVAN
I guess.
COLLIN
You‘ve got nothing but opportunity before you.
EVAN
Yeah, well, I‘ve got a lot of missed opportunities behind me. Thing is, um, I haven‘t
been out very long. Out of the closet, I mean.
COLLIN
Oh?
EVAN
Yeah, and, um, I don‘t really know what that means, you know? I don‘t um. . . I don‘t
know any other people like me. I mean guys like me.
COLLIN
Homosexuals.
EVAN
No. [. . .] Yeah. Sorry, I ---
COLLIN
Sorry for what?
EVAN
I don‘t know. [Laughs.] I apologize a lot.
COLLIN
Hold on to that. Apologies grow up to be accusations.
EVAN
I don‘t. . . .I feel REALLY out of place here.
COLLIN
Is there anything I can do to---?
EVAN
And I feel like I‘m exactly where I‘m supposed to be. I‘m just so. . . I just got here today.
I don‘t have a place to stay. I don‘t have a job or connections, or a church--
COLLIN
Jesus.
EVAN
--Or anything really. I don‘t have any good reason to be here.
COLLIN
Except that if you stayed where you were you would die.
EVAN
Yes. Yes! You understand!
COLLIN
Everyone here tonight understands.
EVAN
[EVAN starts crying.] I don‘t know why I‘m crying. I‘m so stupid.
COLLIN
[Puts down his drink and wraps his arms around EVAN.] Do it. Cry. I did it all day.
EVAN
I kept thinking in the truck today that I‘d turn around at the next exit and go home. But
something kept pushing me forward, and then I met Michael and he was nice to me. He
was just a really good guy, you know? And now, I‘m here, and you‘re all so nice and
funny and proud, and ... I feel like something brought me here. For the first time in my
life, I feel like I have someone watching over me. Like somebody cares about me.
COLLIN
Stick around. You‘ll have that feeling a lot. [EVAN kisses COLLIN, who is surprised, but
goes with it.]
EVAN
I‘m sorry.
COLLIN
Evan, I---
[From inside we hear everyone beginning to sing FOR HE‟S A JOLLY GOOD FELLOW,
and slowly everyone processes out onto the patio. Before that happens, EVAN disengages
from COLLIN. MICHAEL is holding a big chocolate cake with Oreos spread around the
cake tin and three number-shaped candles: 125.]
ALL
For he‘s a jolly thin fellow
For he‘s a jolly thin fellow
For he‘s a jolly thin fe-el-low. . .
MICHAEL
[In pitch.] Don‟t worry the cake is low fat.
ALL
Which nobody can deny! [They all cheer.]
MARK
We got sick of waiting, so we brought the surprise to you.
BRITISH MARK
You can thank Michael for the cake.
COLLIN
And I will. This is a real surprise. Thanks, friends.
TAM
Blow out your candles. Make a wish.
PETER
Don‘t tell Mark what it is or it won‘t come true.
COLLIN
Wishes are for birthday cakes.
TAM
Wishes are for everyone. Blow.
EVAN
Do it, Collin. Make a wish.
[COLLIN closes his eyes. He makes a silent wish. Opens his eyes. Takes in all of his
friends one by one. And then Evan. Smiles. Blows out the candle. Lights out.
End of Play.]

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The Homosexuals.

The cell phone rings, he answers.]

Evan, darling, baby, baby boy . . . .

And scarecrow, you were there.

No. Sorry if I gave you the wrong idea, man.

2008: British Mark

[They almost kiss.]

I‘ll call you tonight.

Something bad did happen to me.

MICHAEL AND EVEN

Evan. [EVAN‟s asleep.] Evan.

[On the verge of tears.] Evan . . .

[End act one.]

Oh, right right. He did tell me. Sorry.

As I say to my kids, it isn‘t fair, it‘s the rules.

No no. No-ho-ho-ho, don‘t even think about it.

How often do you talk about him at the watercooler?

What is that supposed to mean?

Chocolate is not disposable. Chocolate is a commodity.

[A squeal from PETER inside and a cheer from MARK.]

BRITISH MARK MARK

COLLIN TAM [On the intercom]

BRITISH MARK [A buzzer, followed by a moment as TAM

over him, so I can tell you exactly how I

BRITISH MARK TAM

TAM AND BRITTISH MARK

[MARK and COLLIN exit.]

[The screen door opens, and MICHAEL is standing there.]

PETER, MARK, TAM

[BRITISH MARK almost chokes on his drink.]

Careful, you‘re beginning to sound English.

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