BROAD CITY

"Broadway"

An Original Spec Script

By Justin Ayer
 COLD OPENING

EXT. CHRISTOPHER STREET - DAY

ABBI, ILANA, and JAIME are walking down Christopher Street in

the West Village.

ILANA

There’s so much amazing LGBTQ history

here I can feel it.

ABBI

Right? The village is where the gay

rights movement began. Where love

overcame all obstacles.

JAIME

I feel as if I can feel the tear gas

choking me and the police brutality

that lead to the gays saying “enough”.

ABBI

Wow, yeah, I mean I was more talking

about the parades and stuff but that

that’s an important part too that we

shouldn’t skip over.

ILANA

Yeah, well, all the police out there

using their power to oppress the

innocent can suck a fart.

A POLICE OFFICER walks by, stops, and looks at the group.

ILANA (CONT’D)

Not you. The corrupted police who hate

queer people of color.

"Broadway" 2.

The officer looks her up and down.

POLICE OFFICER

(Flamboyantly) Girl, the police are

the gayest thing about this city. You

see how tight these pants are.

The officer poses for them showing off the tight pants.

ABBI

I have. I mean, I do, I mean you have

nice pants.

JAIME

Thank you for your service.

We see the officer saunter away.

JAIME (CONT’D)

Even the gays have taken over the

police. Soon there will be a gay

President.

ILANA

We can only hope.

Abbi gets a notification on her phone.

ABBI

Dude! I just won the lottery to

purchase tickets to Mean Girls the

Musical on Broadway.

ILANA

Shut up! Wait, it’s a lottery that

makes you pay if you win? Shouldn’t a

lottery be free?
"Broadway" 3.

JAIME

Mean Girls the musical is going to be

my first Broadway musical. What is

better than this?

ABBI

Oh, sorry Jaime. It’s only for two

tickets and well Mean Girls is like

Ilana and I’s thing.

ILANA

(Getting a little to close to Abbi) We

have so many things it’s hard to keep

up. That’s why we’re so close.

JAIME

Ah, I see.

ILANA

But we can definitely bring you back a

show souvenir.

JAIME

A cup with the Mean Girls on it.

ILANA

Done.

JAIME

Fine. It is a deal.

They stop outside the Christopher Street 1 station.

ABBI

Well, we should just go pick up the

tickets now. Show is at 8.

"Broadway" 4.

JAIME

You all go on. I will find some drag

queens.

ILANA

Okay bye. I’ll see you tonight with

that cup! Two roomies one cup!

ABBI

Ew.

Abbi and Ilana run down the subway stairs. Jaime is alone.

JAIME

(To himself) I will never see a

Broadway show. Homo (In the style of

the RENT riff Ilana does in the

Hashtag FOMO episode, Jaime sings:)

FOMO.

A drag queen walks by and Jaime follows.

"Broadway" 5.

ACT 1

INT. MEAN GIRLS BOX OFFICE - DAY

Abbi and Ilana are waiting to get their tickets from the box
office manager, MICHELLE. She’s a grumpy woman wearing way
too many Broadway show buttons. She loves the power of her
job a little too much.

ABBI

Dude, we have such good luck we should

play the real lottery or something.

ILANA

I mean I would love to but I feel like

no one in New York ever wins. Its like

they purposely let people in the

middle of no where win it. The

government man.

Michelle finds the tickets and hands them to Abbi. She takes
a peak through the window at what they are wearing.

MICHELLE

I assume you will be changing before

you go see this show.

ILANA

I’ll have you know this is my finest

day romper. It doesn’t even have

pockets!
"Broadway" 6.

ABBI

Yeah and this top is from Nordstrom.

MICHELLE

And this is Broadway. The theatre.

Respect it or else!

ABBI

Okay lady but only out of respect for

those performing on that stage who

won’t even be able to see what we look

like. Shame on you for shaming us on

how we dress. Shame!

MICHELLE

I’ll be watching you! I know which

seats you’re in!

Abbi and Ilana walk off scoffing.

ABBI

What are we going to do? I don’t have

time to go home and change.

ILANA

We’re in midtown. Tourist shopping

central. I’m sure we can find

something.

ABBI

Let’s do this.

CUT TO:

INT. CLOTHING STORE - DAY

Abbi and Ilana are searching through a rack of clothes.

There’s a sign that says “Way out of style” above the rack.
"Broadway" 7.

ILANA

I really don’t understand the Broadway

dress code. It’s not 1942 anymore.

ABBI

I mean I get the whole respecting the

show but this is a musical about

millennials for millennials. We should

get to dress how millennials dress.

ILANA

Damn straight.

Abbi pulls out a dress that is almost exactly if not exactly

the blue dress. She looks at the tag, it has a $40 price on
it.

ABBI

I wouldn’t say this is way out of

style.

Out of nowhere an EMPLOYEE of the store pops out.

EMPLOYEE

It is. It’s so Q3 of 2016.

ABBI

I have this exact dress and still get

compliments.

ILANA

Yeah and she wears it all the time

like all the time.

EMPLOYEE

Gross.

The employee walks off.

"Broadway" 8.

ABBI

We could’ve not told her how much I

wear it.

ILANA

Are you going to get it?

ABBI

I don’t know. It is a good dress and

on sale.

ILANA

Oh look here it is in black.

ABBI

(Without a second thought) Getting it.

CUT TO:

INT. DRESSING ROOM

Abbi and Ilana are in dressing rooms side by side putting on

their new clothes.

ILANA

Dressing up for the theatre might not

be so bad after all. I feel the power,

the prestige, the fanciness.

ABBI

Okay I think I’m ready.

ILANA

Me too.

Abbi steps out of the dressing room in the black dress. Ilana
steps out in a tux, top hat, and cane. They react to how good
each other look.

ABBI

Cheerio, good sir.

"Broadway" 9.

ILANA

(In an accent) I’m off to the theatre

with m’lady.

ABBI

(Bad cockney Impression) “The rain in

Spain stays mainly in the plain.”

ILANA

Whoa, rude.

ABBI

No it’s from, it’s...My Fair Lady.

ILANA

My Fair Woman.

ABBI

Ok, Let’s just go.

CUT TO:

EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT

Abbi and Ilana are walking by Sephora. They stop and look at
each other.

ABBI

You thinking what I’m thinking?

ILANA

Makeover!

CUT TO:

INT. SEPHORA - NIGHT

Abbi and Ilana walk into Sephora. Staff help them right away.

We then see a montage of Abbi and Ilana getting their faces

done.
"Broadway" 10.

We see them as they finish. They turn around at the same time
look in the mirrors then look at each other. They start to
leave and the Sephora workers bring over some of their
products.

WORKER

Okay so can I ring up any of this for

you?

ABBI

Oh I’ve got a thing.

ILANA

Yeah and it’s about to start so we

need to...

Abbi and Ilana dart out of the Sephora.

ABBI

Boom! Fooled again.

"Broadway" 11.

ACT 2

EXT. MIDTOWN - NIGHT

Abbi and Ilana are walking through midtown feeling good about
how they look. People stop and stare and some even look
impressed as they walk by.

ABBI

We should get to the theatre.

ILANA

We have so much time.

ABBI

Yes but the house opens thirty minutes

before. Also fun fact, Broadway shows

don’t start at 8 but 8:05 because

Americans are always late.

ILANA

Broadway really thinks of everything.

ABBI

I also like to get there early because

when I get in a theatre I start

thinking about the performers and how

nervous they must be and it makes me

nervous so I have to pee like twice

before the show starts.

"Broadway" 12.

They arrive at the theatre and there is no one in line to go

inside. They look around confused.

ILANA

Weird. Where is everybody?

CUT TO:

INT. BOX OFFICE - NIGHT

Abbi and Ilana run into the box office but the doors to the
theatre are closed. They go up to the box office Manager,
Michelle.

MICHELLE

You’re late!

ABBI

No we’re not. The show starts at 8.

MICHELLE

The show started at 7. Check your

ticket.

Abbi pulls out the tickets. They say 7PM.

ILANA

We should’ve skipped the makeover. Can

we go to our seats now?

MICHELLE

Not until intermission.

ABBI

But that’s half of the show.

MICHELLE

It’s our late policy.

ABBI

Okay well can I at least get a refund.

"Broadway" 13.

MICHELLE

No refunds on lottery tickets.

ILANA

(To Abbi) Let me handle this. (To

Michelle) Listen (looks at the Box

office manager’s name tag) Michelle.

MICHELLE

It’s pronounced Michael.

ILANA

Michael, we get each other. Two

customer service ladies just trying to

follow the rules, do our job, and make

a paycheck. But c’mon, look at us,

we’re dressed for the theater, we’re

serious art appreciators, we

appreciate it so hard. Why not this

once just let us through.

MICHELLE

Come back at intermission

Michelle slams her ticket window shut.

ABBI

Great, that’s just great. Should’ve

looked at the tickets Abbs. Oh there’s

Abbi not reading things again.

"Broadway" 14.

ILANA

Hey, it’s not your fault. (Ilana gets

an idea) We can still make this

happen.

Ilana starts slinking towards the door. Abbi follows. They

break off into a sprint to the door and out of no where
ushers stop them. They pretend they are walking away and try
to dodge the usher to get through the door but get caught.
The ushers throw them out of the theatre.

CUT TO:

EXT. SIDEWALK - NIGHT

Abbi and Ilana are sitting on the sidewalk beside the

theatre. Ilana is smoking a blunt.

ABBI

There’s still 20 minutes until

intermission. We’re missing the best

parts! Are you sure you should be

smoking that out here?

Ilana takes a hit.

ILANA

Yeah, it’s totally legal.

ABBI

But it’s not.

ILANA

But it’s not, not legal. They won’t

arrest you for it.

From behind Abbi and Ilana, KEVIN and CARRIE, cast members of
Mean Girls the Musical, walk out of the stage door in
costume. They light up cigarettes and start smoking.
"Broadway" 15.

KEVIN

I just don’t get why I haven’t gotten

to go in for him yet.

CARRIE

He’s selfish that’s why. He’s just one

flu away from being out and you taking

the spotlight.

KEVIN

And then I’ll shine so hard. You know

I got the moves.

Kevin bursts out into choreography. Abbi and Ilana notice

the conversation behind them while sitting on the side walk.

ILANA

Dude, are you thinking what I’m

thinking?

ABBI

That they shouldn’t be smoking in

costume? Big mistake!

ILANA

No, they’re in the show. That’s the

cast door to the show. We just wait

for them to go back in and sneak in

behind them.

ABBI

I don’t know man. That’s like

backstage. We are audience members, we

belong front of house!

"Broadway" 16.

ILANA

It’s right next to the audience. Trust

me. When have I lead you astray?

ABBI

Well there was...

ILANA

Oh look they’re going inside.

Ilana hops up and just as the door starts to close behind

Kevin and Carrie. Ilana catches the door and waves Abbi over.

ILANA (CONT’D)

Cha-ching.

ABBI

I don’t know about this.

ILANA

Do it for everyone who has ever been

late to a Broadway show.

ABBI

All right. We’re doing it. For the

late people!

Abbi gets up and sneakily moves to the door. They peek inside
to see a guard watching TV. They crouch through the door. It
closes behind them.

CUT TO:

INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Abbi and Ilana roll and crawl on the ground below the
security desk. The security guard isn’t paying attention at
all. They go through a door and into a stairwell.

ILANA

It’s gotta be this way.

"Broadway" 17.

ABBI

Down stairs?

Abbi and Ilana hear someone behind them so they run down the
stairs into a hallway and into an open room.

ABBI (CONT’D)

We’re going to be banned from

Broadway. I’ll never get to see Patti

Lupone yell at someone for using their

cell phone during a show. I’ll have to

go to the library and watch all the

DVDs of shows filmed for the archives.

ILANA

Abbi, look!

Ilana and Abbi look around the room. They’re in the costume
shop where all the costumes are stored.

ABBI

A real life Broadway costume shop.

Look at all the dance belts. (Abbi

gets close) Oh, they are not clean.

She continues to go through the clothes.

ABBI (CONT’D)

And this, this is the swings costumes.

Swings have the hardest job in the

show. They cover multiple tracks.

Tracks are what they call the roles

everyone plays.

ILANA

Hey Abbi, look.

"Broadway" 18.

Ilana has put on the mascot costume from the show.

ILANA (CONT’D)

I could totally be in the show.

Ilana in the mascot costume bursts out in choreography. Abbi

is laughing and enjoying herself. Abbi puts on an oversized
pink polo. They hear someone starting to come through the
door.

ABBI

Shit, shit! Hide!

Abbi scurries behind a clothes rack. Ilana takes the head of

the mascot off and starts looking for a place to hide but
it’s too late. She puts the mascot head back on and slumps
into a chair.

TINA FEY comes into the costume shop dragging along a young
attractive male cast member, JOE.

TINA

I just wanted to give you some notes.

Privately.

JOE

Oh am I doing a bad job Ms. Fey.

TINA

Don’t call me Ms. Fey. Call me Tony

nominated Tina Fey.

JOE

Okay.

TINA

Okay?

JOE

Okay, Tony nominated Tina Fey.

"Broadway" 19.

TINA

Right. So show me one of those body

rolls from act one.

JOE

(Reluctantly) Oh this?

The male cast member does a dance move with lots of body
rolls.

TINA

Yes. I like that. Keep doing that.

JOE

Okay but...

Tina goes over and hushes Joe.

TINA

I see you making eyes at me you know

that? In front of my husband. All

through rehearsal and even now. You’re

such a flirt. (She laughs a little too

hard).

JOE

I didn’t think I...

TINA

Oh, I saw it. I know what you’re

trying to do. I’m a married woman and

you’re into that.

JOE

But I’m gay...

"Broadway" 20.

TINA

We all know what that means these

days. Now let’s get in that mascot

costume and make animal noises.

We see Abbi panicking a bit. She knows they’ll get caught.

Tina goes over to the mascot and takes off it’s head. There’s
only the top of Ilana’s hair sticking out.

TINA (CONT’D)

Who stuck this wig in here?

Abbi interrupts by making a fake announcement.

ABBI

Places, places for end of act 1 scene

4.

Everyone is confused. Tina reaches down to pull up Ilana’s

hair realizing a person is attached to it. Tina starts
screaming causing Ilana to start screaming. Abbi pops out
behind the clothes screaming and Joe starts screaming as
well. He then slips on an article of clothing and knocks
himself out.

TINA

Ensemble actor number 4!

CUT TO:
"Broadway" 21.

ACT 3

INT. BACKSTAGE - NIGHT

Joe is on a gurney with paramedics nearby. Kevin is next to

Joe consoling him. Abbi and Ilana are sitting in a corner
back in their regular clothes in silence. Tina is on the
other side of the gurney with Carrie.

KEVIN

Don’t worry. I’ll do you proud. You

take as much time as you need.

JOE

I’ll be back so don’t get comfortable.

KEVIN

Sure you will but who knows maybe

they’ll like me better.

JOE

Doubt that.

KEVIN

Okay see you tonight.

JOE

Okay bye, love you.

Kevin and Joe kiss. The paramedics roll Joe out.

CARRIE

You guys are the cutest couple.

"Broadway" 22.

Carrie and Kevin leave. Tina walks over to Abbi and Ilana.
They stand up.

ILANA

Well, what a crazy accident. We were

just in the wrong place at the wrong

time I guess.

ABBI

Yeah, we should get going. We have

tickets to another show. An after

Broadway show, show.

TINA

Sit.

They sit.

TINA (CONT’D)

I don’t know what you think you heard

or saw tonight but I’m sure whatever

it was, wasn’t true.

ILANA

I don’t know. I think we saw you

trying to come on to a very gay man.

TINA

Or maybe you saw me giving someone

notes.

ABBI

Mrs. Fey.

Tina gives a look.

"Broadway" 23.

ABBI (CONT’D)

Tony nominated Tina Fey, I promise you

we won’t say anything.

TINA

I can destroy you. (To Abbi) You look

like a girl who gets waxed frequently.

ABBI

Okay you don’t know that.

TINA

I know every waxer in this city. Trust

me, if anything gets out you’ll never

get a good wax again.

ABBI

Yes ma’am.

Abbi starts feeling her face for hair. Tina turns her sights
on Ilana.

TINA

And you, let me guess, a waitress?

ILANA

Maybe.

TINA

One phone call from me and you’ll

never work in this town again.

ILANA

Damn Tina. You crazy.

"Broadway" 24.

TINA

(Desperate out of nowhere) Fine! You

twisted my arm. What do you want? My

wedding ring? My dentures?

ABBI

What? No!

ILANA

Dentures?

TINA

I’ll do anything! Anything!

ABBI

I mean we could use three tickets to

your show tomorrow night.

TINA

What, are you trying to bankrupt me?!

Fine. You’ll have three tickets at the

box office for you tomorrow and you

never speak of this night again.

ILANA

Deal!

Ilana sticks out her hand for a handshake.

TINA

I don’t like shaking hands so can we

just bow it?

Tina puts out her elbows and Abbi and Ilana touch their
elbows to hers.

TINA (CONT’D)

Now get out my sight.

"Broadway" 25.

The girls leave backstage. Tina stays behind. She walks over
to the mascot costume and puts on the head. She laughs
maniacally.

CUT TO:

EXT. TIMES SQUARE - NIGHT

Abbi and Ilana are walking through Times Square. It’s crowded
and annoying. They push themselves through a group of
tourists trying to get a picture.

ILANA

Was it me or was Tina Fey on some next

level crazy.

ABBI

Lesson learned. Don’t meet your idols.

ILANA

You know what though. I dig it. A

woman in power trying to take

advantage for a change.

ABBI

Ilana no. That’s still fucked up.

ILANA

Yeah, I guess you’re right. Also,

Jaime is going to be so excited to go

to the show.

ABBI

Think it’ll be weird with us showing

up again?
"Broadway" 26.

ILANA

Nah. She’ll forget about us by

tomorrow.

CUT TO:

INT. THEATRE - NIGHT

It’s the next evening. Abbi, Ilana, and Jaime are all sitting
in their seats. Abbi and Ilana are wearing the same outfits
as the night before and Jaime is dressed up as well.

JAIME

How lucky for you to win three tickets

in the lottery for the next night. We

should play the real lottery.

ILANA

Yeah, (air quotes) “lucky.”

The mascot comes up behind them. Pokes them on the shoulder.

The mascot head comes off. It’s Tina Fey.

TINA

Hello strangers whom I could never

forget. Just know, I got all your

information. I know where you live and

even have your social security numbers

so enjoy the show.

Tina puts on the mascot head and leaves. Abbi and Ilana are
shocked and worried. Jaime is taken aback with joy.

JAIME

Ah, now that is a celebrity that

cares.

END