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Emily Shumway

Child 330

11/15/17 My 10 Parenting Principles

Introduction

Have you ever wonder if your parents raised you the right way, with the right beliefs,

goals, mindset, and ambition? If you have any doubts, there is hope. My goal is to provide you

with information and direction so that you may become the kind of parent you desire to be. I will

address several lessons I have learned in the past weeks from four different parenting programs.

These programs include: Love and Logic, How Much is Enough, Mindset, and Positive

Discipline. I have personally gained 20 core principles that I want to apply to my own parenting

style. Now it is my treat to take you on this journey and reveal the hidden ingredients for good

parenting.

#1 Principle: Second rule of Love & Logic- Love and Log

The book Love and Logic, by Foster Cline, describes two important principles to Love

and Logic. Second rule: “when a child causes a problem and the adult turns it back onto the child

in a loving way” (Cline). Cline explain that adults, [parent, teacher, etc.], must first show

empathy through sadness and sorrow and lovingly hands the problem and its consequences back

to the child.” This approach holds the child accountable to solve his/her problem. If children do

not learn responsibility and accountability in the home, then where will they ever learn it?

Example: One example that fosters the principle of allowing the child to solve their own

problems is my nephew Taysen. One day Taysen told a white lie to his friend Tom that he could

not play after school because he was busy. The truth was he was planning on having another

friend come over to play after school. He realized he got himself into a pickle because Tom
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would see Taysen play outside with someone else. Taysen went to his mom for help. His mom

showed no anger and told Taysen to tell Tom the truth and that she would not do it for him. In

the end my nephew learned a valuable lesson to always tell the truth.

Supporting principle: Natural Consequences- Positive Discipline

Sometimes the best way for children to learn responsibility and to solve problems is

through suffering the consequences of their choices. The parenting principle of giving the

problem back to the child correlates with Nelsen’s insight about natural consequences in Positive

Discipline. In order for a child to truly learn to solve problems on their own, they must

experience natural consequences. Nelson states that parents must not intervene between the

natural consequences and the child. Parents can help direct their children to lean through

consequences. First, parents can create learning experiences for their children, instead of

punishing them. Second, parents can focus on solutions and solving problems. Lastly, involve

the children to help come up with the consequences or solutions (Nelsen).

Examples: A wonderful story that illustrates my point about natural consequences would

be my older brother Jonathan. One day he and his friend had a brilliant idea to make a zip line

from one grain silo to the other gain silo. They made the zip line out of rope and twine string tied

together. The rope did not hold my brother and he fell 20 feet. Luckily he survived. Next what

he experienced was the natural consequence of gravity. When my parents found they showed no

anger, but took the time to turn this incorrect choice he had made into a learning opportunity.

#2 Principle: Fixed mindset- Mindset

Carol S. Dweck, in her book Mindset, teaches what it means to have a fixed mindset. I

like to image a fixed mindset being trapped inside a closed box. According to Dweck, a fixed
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mindset person is someone taking the easy road and fears failure. A fixed mindset always avoids

challenges and believes their traits cannot be changed. To me, a fixed mindset person put limits

on themselves and other people. These types of parents do not allow their children to reach their

fullest potential. If we live our life in a fixed mindset, then how will our children ever learn to

truly find themselves and what they are capable of?

Example: Personally, I had a fixed mindset in some areas of my life about school. My

biggest fear in school was to fail, whether it was academics, sports, or music. Yes, I might have

been a hard working student and got straight A’s, but feared to try out for certain things and let

my true colors shine. I allow fear to take over instead of faith. I never tried out for soccer, even

though I wanted to, because I was afraid of not making the team, also compared myself to other

players. I realized most of all, I feared of getting bad grades, so I did homework all the time and

didn’t have a social life because of my fear of failing in school was controlling my life. Looking

back I have learned that I gave my fears too much power. My school experience would have

been different for me if I change my fixed mindset.

Supporting principle: Helicopter Parent – Love and Logic

In Love and Logic, Cline describes what it means to be a helicopter parent. A helicopter

parent is when a parent hovers over their children over every little thing. Cline states that a

helicopter parent causes children to lack responsibility for their actions. Parents control too much

by doing everything for the child. This parenting style links to a fixed mindset because the parent

don’t want their child to experience failure. People with a fixed mindset blame others for failure

and sees themselves as better. A helicopter parent sees their child as superior then other children

and must do everything for the child to keep that statist.

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Example: My grandma was a helicopter parent. She would always clean her boy’s room

growing up and never expect them to clean up after themselves. My grandmas pick up my dad’s

toys and cloths throughout his childhood that hindered his cleaning ability in the future. To this

day, my dad has a hard time cleaning up after himself. It was a learned behavior/belief that he

did not have to do any work in the house because he workout side on the farm. If we don’t allow

our children to do things for themselves, how will they ever learn? They will not learn, just like

my dad being 56 years old still trying to learn to clean up after himself.

#3 Principle: Overscheduling- How much is enough

How Much is Enough, by Jean Illsley Clarke, helps us understand the danger of

overscheduling our children. Clarke states that parent’s fear for idle time will create trouble for

their children; therefore this is the biggest reason why parents overschedule their child. “Parents

can overschedule and over-emphasis on excellent performance can be harmful to children”

(Clarke). Also, Clarke mentions 4 questions a parent should ask when they consider scheduling

their children; I will only mention the topic two. First, “Do too many activities or too much

focus on perfection keep children form learning age-appropriate lessons? Second, Do the

activities consume an unbalanced amount of family resources? Time? Physical/emotional

energy? Money.” Most importantly Clarke reminds us that children need time just to be children!

Having a balance and not overscheduling children is something to consider.

Example: An example of a parent overscheduling their child is my Waldron neighbor

from back home. The Waldron’s lived and breathed wrestling. Their parents expected all their

boys to wrestle as long as they lived in their house. They scheduled their boys to participate in

every wrestling tournament since they were 5 years old. As the boys got older some of them
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hated wrestling because they had too much pressure to be the best! The parent defiantly

overscheduled their boys to the point where the oldest boy quite wrestling.

Support principle: Family Meeting- Positive Discipline

Family meeting is an important principle taught in Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelson that

supports overscheduling from How much is Enough. According to Nelson, a family meeting

should be held on a week that works for everyone (p. 121). In the meeting, everyone should

agree on solutions and rules. Each family member, even mom and dad, should follow the rules

(Nelson). Each family should cover agendas, problem-solving, planning, activities, compliments,

etc. (Nelson). Going through the agenda for the week will help a family to find balance and not

be overscheduled. Ultimately, a family meeting is to uplift each and build relationships in the

home.

Example: Growing up my parents held family meeting every Monday before “family

home evening.” We would discuss about the addenda for the week for each kid in the family and

what games and concerts were coming up. Then my dad would ask each one of us if there were

any problems we had or would like to share at this time. We would solve problems together and

find a solution. By having family meeting weekly, we built trust and unity in each of my family

members.

#4 Principle: Growth mindset- Mindset

In Mindset, by Carol S. Dweck, she shares a valuable principle of how to gain a growth

mindset. First, Dweck explains that a growth mindset person thrives off challenges. “The bigger

the challenge, the more they stretch” (p.21). A growth mindset sees failure as a chance to grow

and improve (Dweck). In my opinion, I think having a growth mindset is the best quality an adult
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could have for parenting. A growth parent values their child learning from their failures and sees

opportunities to grow.

Example: Harry Potter is a great example for a growth mindset because he always

thrives off of challenges. When things get tough for Harry, he never quits; he always believes

there is a solution to everything. He sees failure as a learning opportunity and rolls with it. When

he plays the game “quidditch” he becomes great because he put forth effort in practicing. It was

his growth mindset that made him a great wizard in the end.

Support principle: What and How Questions – Love& Logic

The “what and how” questions are an important principle from Jane Nelson’s book called

Positive Discipline. It echoes the growth mindset parent described in Mindset. “What and how”

questions are a deeper level of a child’s understanding. According to Nelson, by using these

types of questions, it helps children to develop thinking and judgement skills. Also, the author

points out that when we use “how and what” questions, we must be genuine and willing to listen.

This idea promotes a growth mindset behavior because it allows the child to reach the next level.

Example: A great example that demonstrates a “what and how” question is when a child

is making a science project. Let’s say the project is making a volcano. A parent could respond to

the child in a “what” question by saying, “What do think will happen when your volcano

explodes? This allows the child to think for themselves and gather their own data. Or a parent

can ask a “how” question like: “How do you feel after working so hard on this project” or “how

do you feel about it?” The children take pride in their work if the right question is asked. Once

again the child gets to ponder and develop their own thinking skills.
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#5 Principle: Overindulgence and good intentions- How much is Enough

Overindulgence is a key principle taught from How Much is Enough by Clarke.

Overindulgence happens in three different ways: giving too much, over-nurturing and soft

structure (Clarke). Clarke emphasizes that overindulgence does not mean more spoiling.

Overindulgence can cause children to be demanding and unappreciative (Clarke). Let’s look at

the three different ways of overindulgence. First, giving to much means that children are

basically without the skill of ascertaining how much is enough in their lives like money, food,

vacations and etc. (Clarke). Next, over-nurturing is when a parent or caregiver is doing things

for a child that they could do on their own (Clarke). Finally, Clarke brings us to soft structure

which is giving the child too much freedom that doesn’t foster learning or valuable skills.

Overall, overindulgence can hinder a child later on in life when they are faced with difficult

situations (Clarke).

Example: An example of overindulgence that comes to mind is a personal story of over-

nurturing. Growing up, my mother was definitely an over-nurturer in some areas of her life. She

always did laundry for all us 8 kids. We all eventually learned how to do our laundry when we

went on missions or college, except for one of my brothers. The first time he ever tried washing

his clothes was his freshman year of college, when ended up dumping half the bottle of detergent

in the washer and found later his clothes were very stiff. Overindulgence really does not serve

the child in the long run.

Support principle: Paradox of Success and Failure- Love and Logic

A paradox of success and failure by Cline from Love and Logic is a perfect flip side of

how to avoid being an overindulgent parent. Cline explains clearly that we must allow our
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children to fail in order for them to find success. Overindulgent parents do not give children

room to fail and learn, let alone learn what it means to truly succeed. It is important for a child

learn to make their own decisions, even if they have to fail in the process that will eventually

lead to success (Clines). From my experience, I have appreciated my success because I had

experienced some failure that motivates me to work harder.

Example: The best example that covers success and failure was a time when my little

brother and I had to change sprinkler pipes. We were both young around 8 and 9 years old. It

was one of our first times changing a line of 45 pipes by ourselves and we failed to get the line

straight. We ended up going on a diagonal across the field, which is a big mistake. When our

older brother came to pick us up, he was not happy with our work. He made us redo the whole

line of pipe again to make it straight. We were exhausted, but we did obey. We learned valuable

lesson that day and found success in our work the second time. There is always a lesson to be

learned when we fail the first time.

#6 Principle: Kindness & Firmness- Positive Discipline

Trying to find balance as a parent is a struggle sometimes, but can be possible. Jane

Nelsen, from Positive Discipline unfolds the kindness and firmness principle when dealing with

children. It is necessary to find a balance. In Nelsen words,” balance parents’ guide their

children to cooperate and learn boundaries while feeling secure.” To explain, a parents showing

kindness to the child while showing respect. “Firmness is important to show respect for

ourselves and the needs of the situation” (Nelsen, p. 71). Nelson reminds us that an authoritarian

parenting approach is the lack kindness. Furthermore, Nelson stated that a permissive parent
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approach lacks in firmness (p.71). Balance is the key! There is a time and place when a parent

shows kindness and a time and place to show firmness.

Example: Growing up on a farm there were many moments when my parents acted in

kindness and firmness. One memory comes to mind when my brother and I where racing down

the highway, my brother on the motor bike and I on the four-wheeler. We were just getting done

with our morning chores and decided to race. I thought it would be smart and I would win if I cut

through the yard, so I did. Because I had so much speed, I end up flipping the four-wheeler right

on the front porch to our house. My parents respond in a kind loving way at first and made sure I

was okay. Then they showed a little firmness and told my brother and I to never race on the

highway again and how stupid it was. Parents have to choose when it is appropriate to be firm

and kind during different situation.

Supporting principle: Teaching while disciplining- Mindset

As we explored how to be kind and firm with children, there is a natural instinct that

kicks in all parents that prompts them to teach children while discipline. We can apply “kindness

and firmness” with the principle teaching while disciplining. Dweck, from Mindset,

demonstrates the right way how to teach while disciplining children. The first thing to

understand from Dweck is that parents must explain their reasoning behind every decision to the

child. Children need to know that making a mistake is a great learning opportunity for them and

a great teaching moment for parents with the child. There has been many times throughout my

life that I have made mistakes that turned into the best teaching moment for my parents. The

most important tool Dweck teaches while disciplining is helping the child to understand that they

can grow from there mistake.

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Example: My sister-in-law is a great example of a parent who teaches her children while

disciplining. Anytime her little girls’ room is messy for days, or if they fight, she takes away

privileges from them. Privileges can be anything from watching no movies for the day, to

playing with friends. No matter what the disciple tack is, she always explains to her children why

they are losing their privileges. Then, she teaches them why their behavior was not appropriate

and what they need to do better earn their privileges back. Teaching while disciplining will take

time for parents to adapt to this style, but it is worth it because it brings better communication

skills between the parent and child.

#7 Principle: Using Encouragement Effectively- Positive Discipline

Many parent’s in the world today use different ways to motivate children. In

Nelson’s Positive Discipline book emphasis how parents should use encouragement effectively.

The number one ingredient children need is positive encouragement. Nelson says, “Children

need encouragement, just as plants need water. They cannot survive without it” (p. 79). I

appreciate that Nelson reminds us that children are different of what they do then, who they are

because they can change. Also, as parent encourage their children, the children will learn that

mistakes are opportunities to learn and grow (Nelson). The last important item of encouragement

from Nelson shows children that they are good enough the way they are. This builds confidence

in the child

Example: An encouraging experience I had was this semester during midterm week. I

was very stress out and had so much to do. I needed to be uplifted to make it through the week.

My wonderful roommate gave me a pep talk one day and encouraged me that I can do hard

things. This motivation was just enough to keep the fire burning within me and to persever.
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Supporting principle: Praising in a Growth mindset- Mindset

As we make a full circle of understanding the importance of encouragement, there are

other principles taught in Mindset that complement this belief. Dweck plants the idea of how to

praise children in a growth mindset. Praising in a growth mindset focuses on the child’s effort &

choices rather than intelligent & talent (p. 177). Dweck implies a message being sent to the child

when praising in a growth mindset. The message: “You are a developing person and I am

interesting in your development” (p.173). Just how the principle from Positive mindset,

encouragement builds child’s confidences, growth praise has the same effect. When a parent asks

a question and show appreciation for the child’s effort, motivate the child and keep trying. For

example I might say something like, “The passion you put into that piano piece gives me a real

feeling of joy. How do you feel when you play” (Nelson, p. 178)?

Example: As a child I had a first-hand experience being praised in a growth mindset.

When I was 8 years old, I started piano lessons. At the being of my piano journey, I did not see

myself as a good piano player; I struggle where to put my fingers and rhyme. There were

probably times I could have quiet, but I never did. My mom would tell me if I worked hard at

something, I can become better and reach my goal. Each day I have improved on the piano and

continue to. I know that if it wasn’t for my mom’s positive encouragement I would have quiet

piano lesson.

#8 Principle: Hazards in the home- How Much is Enough

Who really new that overindulgent could be big issues in the home? This is a serious

problem according to Clarke’s book How Much is Enough. Clarke states, “Dealing with

circumstances the turn good intentions into overindulgence” (p.237). These problems can come
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from normal families with jobs or no jobs. Clarke point out the facts that sometime with working

parents try to make time up to their children by giving them too much freedom or even to much

money. This situation might have a good intention to show love but really leads to

overindulgence. Also, divorce parents might lead to signs of overindulgence. Parents might try

to sway the child who love them more, sometime this put the child in a tough situation (Clarke).

Clarke use a phrase the describe divorce parent in overindulgence; the phase “Choose me, I will

make you love me best” (p.242).

Example: Sad to say, I can think of many examples of parents who overindulge their

children due to circumstances. I have witnessed two of my cousins who experienced their

parent’s going through a divorce. Growing up from my child perspective, I always thought that

my cousins were naturally soiled and had really nice toys because their parents were rich. Now

from my understanding of overindulgence, I can clearly see that their parents were making their

child choose which parent to love more, due to overindulgent and giving too much. My cousins

really didn’t choose to be spoiled; their parents did that from them.

Supporting principle: Right Dose of Control- Love and Logic

As parents might have a problem with overindulging in the home, there is another issue

to address with the same undertaking. Clines with Love and Logic is demonstrates what the right

dose of control is for a child, this idea of control and giving too much is link to the principle of

hazards in the home. Cline introduces a “V” chart split up into stages from birth to adulthood.

With each age there is a different level of choices children are given. The older the child gets, the

more freedom they have (Cline). The issue is when the “V” chart is flipped upside down that

represent the opposite Children start out with more freedom and is constrain to freedom when
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they get older (Cline). The hazard in the home could hinder the child on spectrum of too much

freedom when too young, or the right dose of freedom a little bit at a time.

Example: To back up the “V” chart system, there is one example that contributes to the

idea of a little bit of freedom at a time. My parents are great example of rising children using

with the right dose of control. To explain, when I was little my parents would help me walk

down the stair, that they could have a control that I would not get hurt. When I was in middle

school, my parents let me choose whether or not do after school activities, but would have

control over other things. Now in my young adult years my parents have very little say in my

choices like who I date and what class I should take. My parents had a perfect balance of control.

#9 Principle: Active listening – Positive Discipline

Listening is an essential skill to have as a parent. Nelsen, from Positive Discipline,

focuses on three main listening techniques: reflective, active, and I notices statements. I will

address active listening. I feel that activing listing the most important because it gets down on a

deeper level. In the words of Nelsen, active listening is a deeper level and focuses more on the

emotion. Parents can help the child identify their feelings and emotions by being sensitive and

responding with love and understand (Nelsen).

Example: For example, let’s say Martha was out playing soccer with her friends. One of

Martha’s friends purposely kicked the ball towards Martha and that hit her in the face. Martha is

a pretty tough girl but was very upset because she lost the game. Martha runs home, with a black

eye, to her mother to tell her what happened. Martha’s mother responded, “I can tell you are

really upset and your face looks like it hurts.” “What can I do to help you to help you feel

better.” This example give us insight of how a good active listening parent would respond.
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Supporting principle:10 steps to Change- How much is Enough

Clarke describes 10 steps to change in How much is Enough. I believe that there is one

step that is most vital that links to an active listener. In the 9th step Clarke shares, “when you

notice a positive shift, celebrate.” Clarke reminding us to celebrate the small things we

accomplish in life and look for the positive. When an active listening parent helps a child

identify their emotions, the parent can use the 9th step to change the experience by creating a

positive moment for the child. The child comes to terms with their emotions and feelings as the

parent responds positivity to validate the child’s feelings. Clarke emphasized to celebrate the

change.

Example: To explain, when a child is under a lot of pressure at school and is always

complaining about homework. The family and friends do not want to be around this negative

person. Through hard work, persistence, and positive praise from an understanding parent, a shift

takes place in the child. The child begins to see the world as a happy place and school as an

opportunity. The parents notice this positive shift in the child and celebrates and take the family

out for ice cream.

#10 Principle: Hazards of Overindulgence- How Much is Enough

There are many problems when it comes to overindulgence. For parents it is important to

beware of some of the hazard overindulgence can cause. In How Much is Enough, by Clarke,

share many insights why we should avoid overindulgence. First off, he claims that children do

not learn gratification. From my perspective, this is exactly what we see in society with our

youth today. Clarke says, “children have a hard time developing a sense of personal identity.”

Also, having trouble taking on responsibility” (Clarke). I find both statements to be true because
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I see people my age struggling with knowing who they are, as well as, being responsible. There

are only a few of Clarke’s issues he addresses about overindulgence.

Example: One example that I can relate with is college students. If we look at college

students who grew up with overindulgence parents, we can see that their behaviors follow

Clarke’s 7 hazards of Overindulgence. A lot of college students lack in being grateful for life,

also finding their identity and confidence. Most of all, college students have a hard time taking

responsibility whether it is homework, jobs, etc. In my opinion, nothing good really comes from

overindulgence.

Supporting principles: Praising in a fixed mindset- Mindset

Praising children with a fixed mindset sets them up to fail, just like overindulgence cause

problems in children’s lives in the long run. In Mindset, we can see how closely relate a praising

fixed mindset person falls into the trap of overindulgent. Dweck quotes, “Praising children’s

intelligence harms their motivation and performances.” Parents should stay away from praises

that judges their child’s intelligence or talents. Dweck mentions the real message of a fixed

praise, “you have permanent traits and I’m judging them.” As you can see, fixed praise damage

children abilities and growth, just like overindulgence hinders children’s skills.

Example: To explain a praise fixed mindset person could be a soccer mom that is really

in to sports. When little Jimmy plays soccer, his mom uses the following to praise him: “Oh

Jimmy is the best soccer player ever.” “Jimmy was born to be an all-star.” In the end this type of

praising limits Jimmy’s ability. The really message Jimmy understand is that he is perfect and

cannot ever fail. And he cannot show that the practice because he would no longer be a born all-

star. Fixed praising really hurts the child in the end.

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Conclusion:

After a long journey through different parenting practices, we can conclude that there is no

right or wrong in using these parenting principles. My philosophy is to use a variety of parenting

styles that will bless each individual child. Every parent is different and unique just like each

child. Parents must tailor they style of parenting base on the need of each children. Once we

begin parenting in a way that a child needs, the journey becomes more joyful and rewarding.