Professional Documents
Culture Documents
HOW TO MEET EDWARD ALBEE
A oneact comedy by Martin Tucker
Martin Tucker
PO Box 2854
Sarasota, FL 34230
9413662138; cellular=9415047033
mtucker277@aol.com
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HOW TO MEET EDWARD ALBEE
CAST
Bill Tagorandtagorevich, a young (3035) man. He is a college instructor, goodlooking,
generally anxious to please. He is knowledgeable about the theater and wants to be a
playwright. Although he is of Indian Jewish heritage, he has a plumphish American
figure with light skin and dark hair.
Gail Goldman, a very attractive woman in her forties. She is fashionably dressed. Her
major interest in life now lies in social causes. Initially one is struck by her glamour, but
her dialogue will soon show she is a scrapper, and aggressive about voicing her opinions.
Martha Moskowitz Washington, a woman in her fifties, now gone overweight and
careless about her appearance.
Jerry, a young man (late 20’s), thin, intense. He is poor, and his clothes show it.
Benjamin, a middleaged man of some patrician grace now lost in a passion for animal
rights
Edward Albee, a playwright
Edward Albee’s friend, a middleaged man
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HOW TO MEET EDWARD ALBEE
A oneact comedy by Martin Tucker
PLAY OPENS AT INTERMISSION AT A THEATER MUCH LIKE LINCOLN
CENTER, OR ANY GOOD THEATER DEVOTED TO SERIOUS DRAMA. THERE
ARE MANY CARDBOARD FIGURES REPRESENTING ATTENDEES AT THE
PERFORMANCE. THEY ARE STANDING AROUND THE LOBBY. THERE IS A
BAR IN ONE SPACE OF THE LOBBY. WHEN PLAY OPENS, GAIL AND BILL
ARE SPEAKING TO EACH OTHER. THERE SHOULD BE A BACKGROUND
SOUND OF HUMAN VOICES TO INDICATE THE CROWD. THE CARDBOARD
FIGURES ARE WELLDRESSED, BUT THERE CAN BE BOHEMIAN FIGURES
AND ODDLYDRESSED FIGURES AS WELL.
IN ONE CORNER OF STAGE, A LIVE FIGURE, EDWARD ALBEE, STANDS
TALKING TO HIS FRIEND, TED. AT ANOTHER SPACE, BEHIND GAIL AND
BILL, WILL BE TWO PEOPLE, MARTHA AND JERRY. THEY CAN BE
STANDING CLOSE TO GAIL AND BILL ALL THE TIME, OR BE DIRECTED TO
MOVE CLOSE TO THEM WHEN THEY SPEAK THEIR PARTS.
Gail
Give me a kiss. You didn’t kiss me before the play.
Bill
We were rushed.
Gail
I know, I was late. Three hours on the Hutch. It was a mess.
Bill
I’m sorry about that.
Gail
What with my running down to Washington to organize conferences, to participate in
conferences, to promote the world, we don’t see each other much, do we? As much as I
want.
Bill
You’re a very busy person.
3
Gail
We haven’t seen each other in a week… nearly a week. I missed you. Did you miss me?
Bill
You know I do.
Gail
Give me a hug. You haven’t hugged me in a week.
Bill
I haven’t seen you in a week.
Gail
All the more reason to hug me now. You didn’t even kiss me before the play. It’s
intermission now. A hug or a kiss. Or both. I’m a hog about a hug and a kiss.
Bill
We’re in the theater.
Gail
You don’t like demonstrative affection, I have to bear that, bear it in mind. . .
Bill
I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day.
Gail
Friday night on the Hutchinson River Parkway getting into New York. It’s a definition of
impossibility. But we’re together now, and we can kiss in the open air.
Bill
Open air? There are five hundred people in the lobby.
Gail
Who’s counting?
Bill
We’re in a theater.
Gail
The theater is passion. The theater is drama. Where’s my kiss?
BILL LEANS FORWARD, A TENTATIVE KISS, QUICK SO PEOPLE IN THE
LOBBY WON’T NOTICE.
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Gail
That’s a kiss after I drive three hours on the—
Bill
(teasing her by ending her sentence with her)
On the Hutchinson River Parkway.
Gail
(a bit offended)
You’re odd tonight.
Bill
If this were a stadium, a ball park, the beach—
Gail
Coney Island?
Bill
Well, yes.
Gail
Palm Beach?
Bill
People behave differently in different places. This is the theater. An evening
performance.
Gail
Oh, we might do it in the afternoon? A matinee?
Bill
(halfjoking, to put Gail in her place) You have to admit a crowd is different in the
afternoon. The way they dress, to begin with.
Gail
The way they kiss, to end with?
Bill
Look, I’ll say it, and I mean it, I love you. (HE RUSHES THROUGH THE THREE
WORDS, MUMBLING). But this is not the right place to say it. I mean,….
Gail
You mean there’s a time and place for everything.
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Bill
Well, yes.
Gail
Say it out loud.
Bill
Say what out loud?
Gail
I love you. So everyone will hear it.
Bill
Please. People will hear us.
(THEY BOTH BECOME SILENT. GAIL IS A BIT EXASPERATED, BILL A BIT
ANNOYED)
Gail
I’m sorry I was late.
Bill
You’ve been late a lot lately.
Gail
I don’t think I was very late tonight.
Bill
You just said you were late.
Gail
Not late for the performance. I got here in time for that.
Bill
But no dinner. I had to cancel the reservation. It was pretty hard to get, a favor from a
friend who knew the cook.
Gail
Chef. If you’re going to be punitive, you might as well be pretentious. Anyway I was
only a little late if you see it my way.
Bill
A little late is as late as a mighty late.
Gail
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I’ve deprived you of dinner, is that what you’re saying?
Bill
You want to get your existential sarcasm into every discussion we have. .
Gail
My dear friend, I write too. I publish a column every two weeks in the local paper.
Bill
Let’s not quarrel.
Gail
Who’s quarreling?
Bill
We are.
Gail
I was stating a fact. Isn’t a fact—
Bill
Okay, you publish more than I publish.
Gail
Right. You teach. You once were going to be a writer. Then something happened. You
began to teach.
Bill
You’re very funny tonight. What’s the matter?
Gail
You’re not paying enough attention to me is the matter. Your mind’s always somewhere
else.
Bill
Is this part of your advice column?
Gail
Two thousand people read my column every two weeks. Maybe three thousand. The
paper’s PAID circulation is 2,000, and at least one other member of the household reads
the paper once it’s brought inside the house. So, at a low count, it’s 4,000 people a
month. That makes 48,000 readers a year.
Bill
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You’re counting every reader twelve times. That’s stuffing the ballot box.
Gail
It is not. Each reader is a new reader if he reads something different each time. You
count a book by the readers each time. Maybe the same reader reads the writer but each
time it’s a different book, just like my column each week is a different column. Each
reader is the same reader but each book, each column is a separate reading.
Bill
Okay.
Gail
Well, I’m right.
Bill
Okay.
Gail
Why don’t you admit it?
Bill
I admit it.
Gail
You’re not very enthusiastic.
Bill
(strongly) I admit it. I admit it. I admit it.
Gail
Don’t patronize me.
Bill
What’s the matter?
Gail
Who said something was the matter?
Bill
I think your readers truly respect and appreciate you. Your advice. Your awareness of
global problems and social and political problems.
Gail
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My editor thinks so.
Bill
That helps.
Gail
There you go again, being sarcastic. Belittling me. Just because you teach at a
university, just because you earned a Ph.D, you think you can’t be wrong? If I wanted to
spend the time at it, I could get a Ph.D.
Bill
Do you think every buyer of your paper reads your column? They could be buying it for
the want ads, the house ads, the movie section, the way to find out where the cat houses
are, and how many illegal immigrants were arrested yesterday….
Gail
There you go again. Aren’t you ashamed of yourself, a grown man, a college teacher, a
Ph.D. creature, and you can’t take things seriously.
Bill
I take things seriously. Some things.
Gail
No, you don’t. Who does the marching in the streets? Who takes the bus to
Washington?
Bill
Teaching is the most serious thing of all when it comes to awareness. It is the truest form
of social interaction.
Gail
Then why don’t you teach politics?
Bill
I teach independent thinking.
Gail
You don’t take stands. Publicly.
Bill
Thank you.
Gail
I don’t want to quarrel. We’ve already quarreled about this, anyway.
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Bill
Yes, we have.
Gail
I said I don’t want to quarrel.
Bill
They why are we quarreling?
Gail
(sweetly) Who’s quarreling? Honey, I’m only telling the truth. Not to hurt you. To
enlighten you.
Bill
Thank you.
Gail
If you get hurt, it’s not the end of the world. It’s the beginning. Hurt leads somewhere.
I’ll do anything, most anything, to expose the truth, even if I get hurt in the process.
Bill
Thank you for your missionary appeal.
Gail
You really are hurt, aren’t you? It amazes me.
Bill
What amazes you?
Gail
How long we’ve been together and we always end up quarreling.
Bill
I thought you said we weren’t quarreling.
Gail
Even when I agree with you, you continue to quarrel. You have a lot to learn, Mr. Ph.D.
Bill
The road is hard.
Gail
It’s always the same with you. A beautiful woman stands in front of you and you look
elsewhere. At all the other beautiful women.
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Bill
I guess I’m no gentleman.
Gail
(flippantly, she doesn’t mean it, or doesn’t want to believe it) Are you gay? I don’t mean
some of the time but profoundly gay. Have I been mistaken about you all along?
Bill
That’s not funny, and this isn’t the place to talk like that.
Gail
Why not? I never hide anything. If there are fifty or a hundred or five hundred people
who want to listen in, do you think I care?
Bill
I care.
Gail
I’m not counting you.
Bill
What do you mean, it’s me you’re talking about.
Gail
That’s right. It is you I’m talking about. You. You. You. I’m trying to understand you.
Bill
Can’t you do it quietly?
Gail
This is what I mean. I come down all the way from Greenwich, Connecticut, to go to a
play you pick out, a play I may have no interest in, maybe a bit of interest in, but not
something I want to spend two, three hours in a car driving in a mob of cars, a caravan of
noisy cars, lousy drivers, reckless drivers, hundreds of them. Not once do you ask me if
this is a play I want to see. It’s a play you want to see.
Bill
You’ve told me I know something about the theater.
Gail
So you know something. That’s not the same as caring about someone.
Bill
You know I was married. You know I was divorced.
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Gail
That’s not what I’m talking about.. You were divorced the day you were born.
Bill
It’s all my fault then? My wife. My exwife had nothing to do with it?
Gail
She must have suffered.
Bill
Thank you.
Gail
I’m only trying to have a conversation about something you should think about.
Bill
Some conversation.
Gail
I like to be up front.
Bill
In front of five hundred people at intermission.
Gail
What have you to be concerned about? Is the FBI after you?
Bill
For Christ sake.
Gail
Are we going to eat somewhere after this play? I didn’t have a chance to grab something
before I started out on the road. For three hours. I’m getting a headache.
Bill
I had to cancel the reservation, I told you. .
Gail
One of the rare times you’re generous and I miss the chance. I blame the Hutchinson
River Parkway.
Bill
I’m sure the New York State Board of Transportation will be pleased to hear your
comment. Anyway, we can go somewhere else. There are plenty of places in the
neighborhood.
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Gail
I’m sorry. I was unfair. You can be generous, except there’s no pattern to it.
Bill
Thank you.
Gail
Fair and generous to a degree. Not to a fault. Before you, the men I knew were generous
to a fault. Too bad your fault line is short.
Bill
We’ll talk after the play, okay?
Gail
I think that’s a good idea.
Bill
I know something’s bothering you.
Gail
Of course something’s bothering me. It’s obvious even to me.
Bill
We’ve not yet talked about the play.
Gail
It’s only the intermission. Do you want me to judge the whole play before I see the
whole play? Maybe a lemon is a lemon from the first twist. I hear critics judge a play
long before it’s over. Anyway, what’s there to talk about in this play?
Bill
Well, I used to write theater criticism for an academic journal, and I have some good
ideas.
Gail
You used to do lots of things. You used to like women. I think that’s a fair assumption. I
made it once. .
Bill
I said we’d talk. I’m asking you to hold back for a while.
Gail
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Hold what? The suspense is unbearable. No, it’s bearable.
Bill
Gail, just what is bothering you? I bought expensive tickets to a play most New Yorkers
are clamoring to see, would die to be seen at. The newest play by a giant of the theatre,
an intellectual play as most of his plays are. A whodunit without a murder in it but a
problem to be resolved—intellectual issues are resolved, not solved. You know an
Edward Albee play is something that’s talked about. And I made reservations at a very
pricey restaurant across the street that no one can get reservations for, it’s so “in”. You
know I never go to such expensive places except for you. I’ll spend the money because
you like the place. These kinds of places. Anyway, it’s you who was late, so we couldn’t
go to Genovese’s.. You spoiled the party.
Gail
Blame me for the tieup! Blame me for the threehour drive! Blame me for indulging you
with a play I had no choice in choosing.
Bill
I repeat, everybody in New York wants to see this play.. That means everybody in the
country is interested in what’s said about it.
Gail
Snob. Provincial man. I live in Connecticut. I am not, like you, a New York snob.
Bill
You come to New York three times a week for your protest activities.
Gail
Are you an IRS agent? Checking up on my residential exemptions? I repeat, I live in
Connecticut, I pay Connecticut taxes, and I deserve some respect for that.
Bill
For living in Connecticut?
Gail
For living anywhere but New York. When I met you I didn’t think you were a New York
snob. One more illusion broken.
Bill
I am not a New York snob.
Gail
You’ve got New York snobbism written all over you. Under you. Within you.
Bill
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And you are a pure country girl.
Gail
I’m an activist. It doesn’t matter where I come from or where I live. It’s where I go to
spread the word about inequality, redistricting, women’s rights, protecting the
environment—
Bill
Maybe I don’t sign as many petitions as you, but I spend time writing checks for the
movements you protest for.
Gail
Signing petitions is an easy way out. .
Bill
I am a progressive. Can’t you see that?
Gail
You’re a fainthearted one.
Bill
I pray this intermission will be over soon.
Gail
Wait till dinner.
Bill
I can wait.
Gail
You know what I think. I think that if you had to choose between love and ambition
you’d choose ambition. Problem is, you don’t stick with any one thing. So what good is
your ambition? If you really were ambitious, coldly, shrewdly, completely, selfishly,
committedly ambitious, I wouldn’t be interested in you. I would admire you, even
acknowledge you as an enemy if you were on the right side of me. But you’re not cold or
mean. Honey, what you are is selfcentered. Real ambition doesn’t come guaranteed
with that.. Actually I think you lack ambition. Enough of it.
Bill
Thank you.
Gail
I prefer honesty to softpedalling.
Bill
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This isn’t exactly the place to discuss my life, as I’ve mentioned repeatedly.
Gail
Why not? It’s my life too…
Bill
There are people here.
Gail
In New York everybody hears every thing. Nobody pays attention.
….BILL FIDGETS. GAIL IS STUBBORN ABOUT HER TALK, NOT HAPPY BUT
NOT WILLING TO APOLOGIZE. THE WOMAN BEHIND THEM, WHO HAS
BEEN LISTENING INTENTLY TO THEIR TALK, BREAKS INTO THEIR
SILENCE..
Martha
I heard. Both of you. Don’t you worry. If you heard half the stories I’ve heard…yours
isn’t very shocking. Not for New York. The other day I was on a bus—it was stuck on
Madison Avenue for two hours because of an accident—a bicycle crashed into a car, or
the car crashed into the bike—I’m not a lawyer—and everybody began talking to
everybody else. This woman was standing beside me and she kept on talking, and do you
know, it turned out she came from the same town I did—in Nebraska—not much of a
town, so when she mentioned a friend of mine, and then several friends, I knew I had to
know her or at least have met her. I mean, how many people are there in a small town in
Nebraska? Well, it turned out we did know each other… She knew my husband… And I
can say it now without embarrassment—she had an affair with him…I’ll cut the story
shortmy husband deserted me. Not for her, if that’s what you’re thinking, and probably
you’ve made that faulty assumption. No, he ran off with his secretary. This woman was
just an affair to him, but boy did she feel guilty about it. She thought he began with her
and went on to the secretary. She thought she was the cause of his decadence. Yes, she
told me that, after we met on the bus going south. Going stuck. She ran off to New York
to start a new life. New York’s a good place to go if you feel guilty about something. So
many people here the guilt gets rubbed off in the air, and no one notices. You know what
this woman said to me, on the bus, that is, when we were stuck on it—she told me she felt
awful all these years for what she did. She promised herself she’d apologize to me if ever
we met, again. Actually I’m not sure I met her before. She wasn’t my husband’s
secretary, and I didn’t have any reason to socialize with her. Well, we did meet, on a
stuck bus, and we started talking because what else do you do when you’re stuck on a bus
on Madison Avenue? I told her to get over it. I did. I got a good deal out of it. Plenty of
alimony if I do say so myself. I said, you start a new life, anything’s possible. In New
York. .But think of it this wayimagine, two women meeting on a bus in New York City
cheated by the same man, and each of them starting new lives. I mean, we started years
ago.. And now we start talking to each other. What are the odds on that? If the bus
hadn’t got stuck in traffic, we might never have met, might never have begun talking, and
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found out how our lives were tangled up together. But you want to know the strangest
thing? Maybe stranger than meeting on the bus.. She lives two blocks from me. On East
th
79 Street. We shop in the same Food Emporium, yet we have never talked, not once
conversed about the price of the overpriced produce there. . You’d think in a grocery
store, by the produce stand, examining a fresh tomato, that’s where we might have begun
talking, but no, it was on a bus, a crowded bus, stuck in traffic, quiet because the engine
wasn’t running, couldn’t be running till the police cleared the street, and so everybody
could hear what we were saying. Imagine the odds on that. So don’t you two worry. I’m
probably the only person listened to your story, anyway. And really it’s not that great a
story, I mean, your problems are …well, if you want my opinion, they’re not significant.
Sorry, I mean it’s a serious story, I don’t mean to slight you. I’m not insulting you,
believe me. Oh, all right, I’ll leave if you don’t want to talk to me. I can tell by your
faces. What an unfriendly face you both have. I was only trying to be friendly. People
usually appreciate friendship in New York. (SHE STARTS TO WALK AWAY, IN
FRONT OF THEM, SEES SOMETHING ACROSS THE LOBBY.)
Oh, my God. There’s Edward Albee.
Bill
Where?
Martha
Across. There in the lobby..
Gail
It can’t be. Why would he be here?
Bill
He wrote the play we’re seeing. Why wouldn’t he be here?
Gail
For that reason.
Martha
Playwrights often come to the theater to see the production of their plays. To tinker with
it, after the baby’s born. Isn’t that true, Mr…Mr….
Bill
Yes, sure. They come to improve it, make it tighter, make sure the production is in sync
with the play that the playwright has written. That it hasn’t been taken over by a
director’s good intentions.
Gail
How would you know? You haven’t had a play produced in years.
Bill
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What’s with you? (HE TURNS TO MARTHA) Particularly at the beginning of a run.
To work out the kinks.
Gail
(she is halfapologizing) Maybe I went too far.
Bill
You’ve gone far enough.
Gail
I get these urges—Okay, we’ll skip dinner. Break up right now. You can save some
money that way.
Martha
That’s not fair. He offered to take you to dinner. You can’t accuse a man of being cheap
if you turn down his invitation.
Gail
(TO MARTHA) This is a private matter.
YOUNG MAN COMES FROM BEHIND. HE IS SCRUFFY, THIN, DRESSED IN
JEANS AND TURTLENECK. A KIND OF WILD LOOK ABOUT HIM.
Jerry
I distinctly heard you tell him (HE POINTS TO BILL) you could discuss private lives in
public in New York.
Gail
Please mind your own business.
Jerry
This is my business. Listening in on people’s conversations. I am a writer. You are not
the only writers in this lobby. As a matter of fact, there are probably more writers at an
Albee play than….
Gail
Than what?
Jerry
Than activists. You said you were an activist. What is an activist? Someone who joins a
political crusade. A groupie. To satisfy a craving to meet people, have a family of
yeasayers. A dating bureau with an ism for the party after joining the party.
Gail
18
You should be a Republican the way you talk…. This intermission is very long.
Bill
Maybe we’d all better cool our tempers.
Martha
I think that gentleman’s right. When I think back to the rallies I went to in college, it was
the hunks I was after. The bestlooking ones were the socialists. In their tight pants..
Gail
(TO BILL) See what you started! I wish we had waited to talk, but you had to justify
yourself. Couldn’t you have just let me rant!
Bill
I (HE CHANGES SUBJECT BY LOOKING INTO THE CROWD) Yes, it is Albee.
I took classes with him.
Martha
You did! Then you really are a writer. Listening to you two, I wasn’t sure.
Bill
I wonder if he’ll remember me. It was years ago.
Martha
I wouldn’t bet on it. He must see so many faces.
Bill
Why are you so ungenerous?
Martha
Ungenerous? Why ungenerous? I’ll telll you why. I used to be a very generous person.
I treated everybody to lunch and they drank like fish and I never touched anything
stronger than lemonade. Good Nebraska lemonade. I gave away the dress off my back
every month to the :Lutheran Thrift Shop in the center of Main Street. I was very
generous. You’ve already heard the story of my trusting nature with my cheating
husband. You want to hear another? I’ll tell you. I told the story of my marriage to a
friend, and you know what happened the next year?
Jerry
What?
Martha
Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? appeared on Broadway.
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Bill
What does that have to do with … anything?
Martha
It’s my story. Do you know my name?
Bill
No, we haven’t exchanged names, though we’ve talked volumes.
Martha
Martha. My name is Martha Moskowitz. That is the name I was born with in Nebraska.
It has its good points, it’s alliterative, but no, I was young and I wanted to change it. I
met a man in Omaha, and his name was Washington. Last name.
Bill
So?
Martha
I married him. For his name. I’m Martha Washington, Or I was before I got divorced.
I have no children. I always wanted children. We fought cats and dogs, nails and
hammer over it. I used to pretend I had children. A girl and a boy. I bought dolls and
footballs. Dolls for the girl. Balls for the boy. It was all so lovely, so lovely an illusion.
It didn’t hurt anybody, my playing with dolls and illusions, did it? it was in the privacy
of my own house. What harm was I doing? Tell me. And what did my husband do? my
lousy, cheating husband! He smashed my illusions. He smashed them in front of a sweet
young couple we invited to dinner. In Nebraska.
Bill
Well…it’s a sad story, but it happens.
Martha
It happened. It didn’t happen so much before Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? No, I
think it happened only once, in Nebraska anyway. And you question my veracity in
saying Mr. Albee stole my story.
Bill
What happens in life is a writer’s material. You can’t deny a writer the right to
appropriate reality. Life is marvelously inventive, and why shouldn’t artists snatch the
inventions...
Martha
It was my reality he stole! I defended you against this woman here, and this is the way
you treat me in return.
20
Gail
I am not this woman here. I have an identity, please.
Martha
I don’t know why I started talking to either of you. Both of you. If this intermission
wasn’t so long, and I wasn’t standing next to you, I don’t think I would have ever met
you or heard your selfish remarks, your New York snobbery, your insular views on
Nebraska and the provinces—
Gail
We never mentioned the provinces.
Martha
You were going to. It was inevitable.
Bill
We’re sorry we upset you.
Martha
You spend your life saying you’re sorry. What kind of writer are you? I’ve had enough
of you two. You should get married and learn what real trouble is.
(SHE WALKS HUFFILY OFF)
Bill
Well…
Gail
(TO BILL) I won’t call you a cheapskate. We’ll have dinner first, break up after.
Jerry
Very funny. Women are like that. Sarcastic bitches.
Gail
(TO BILL, SIGNALLY HIM) We don’t have to stand here. We can move.
BILL DOESN’T MOVE. HE IS INDECISIVE. GAIL TURNS TO JERRY.
Gail
(TO JERRY) Can you go somewhere else? Or we’ll go somewhere else.
Jerry
You go. I’m disabled.
Bill
21
Disabled?
Jerry
Two years ago a dog bit my hand. I still have the scars. I can’t move it.
Bill
My god!
Gail
(TO BILL) What’s the matter?
Bill
The Zoo Story story.
Gail
I—I—(SHE FINALLY GETS THE ALLUSION) You’re going tell us Albee stole The
Zoo Story from you.
Jerry
Not all of it. I never killed anybody.
Bill
That’s good.
Jerry
I could. Men have potential they don’t know they have.
Gail
(SHE IS SIGNALLING TO BILL TO MOVE ON)
Jerry
It’s a question of how you see it. Perceive it. Everything is perception. Except maybe
conception. And maybe that too. I mean, if that woman who just left us is right, she
couldn’t conceive, but she perceived what she needed and was able to conceive in her
own way, and if the world had let her alone, not trampled on her conception, her
perception would be—would have as real a conception as…as Superman. Do you get it?
Bill
Not really.
BILL AND GAIL START TO MOVE AWAY.
Jerry
Don’t do that. Don’t make me angry.
Gail
22
There are more than five hundred people here. You won’t be lonely.
Jerry
(VERY SERIOUS AND THREATENING)
Smile. I want you two to smile. God dammit, you smile, or I’ll whack your heads
BILL AND GAIL SMILE.
Jerry
See, that wasn’t so hard…Isn’t it nice, going to the theater, meeting a young man,
smiling. I wish my life was like that. You two have it easy. I can see that. I don’t hold
it against you. Just envy on my part… Nice mink coat, lady. I bet it cost a pretty
penny. Pretty like you. I bet you live in a pretty house in pretty Connecticut. I can see it
bright and clear. I’ll take the coat. I’ll take good care of it. You can buy a new one.
Styles change. Year by year. You want to keep up with the fashion, I can see that.
You’re classic but you like a touch of trendy, a taste of spice in something substantial.
Gail
I’m not giving you my mink coat. I’ll scream.
Jerry
I wouldn’t do that if I was you. (HE MOVES TO BILL) I’ve got a nice little object in
the back of your boyfriend’s back. You really don’t want him to get hurt, do you? You
can hurt his feelings, that’s okay, that’s grist for selfimprovement, putting the mill to
work for a better society. That’s building a great society, but I’ve got something in his
back that can break his back. I don’t think you want that. Do you, lady?
Gail
Doesn’t anyone hear what he’s saying?
Jerry
Quiet. I told you to be quiet. Now smile at me. I said, smile.
GAIL SMILES
Jerry
That’s good. You know how I came to this place?
Gail
How did you get in here? You can’t afford a ticket at these prices.
Jerry
23
You’re right. Absolutely on the button. I walked in at intermission. Easiest thing in the
world. Mingled with you people. Slumming.
Bill
We’ve done nothing to offend you.
Jerry
Man, you have, you have. I’m a writer like you, but I’m also an actor. Not also, first, an
actor. I’m an actor and I haven’t had a job in a year. And I haven’t had a meat meal—a
meal with meat on the table—for weeks. So what happens today? My friend comes in
from Kansas, he looks me up, then he looks me down, he looks me all over, and he says,
Man, Jerry, you look awful. You need a steak. I’m getting you a steak. You stay right
here, there’s a butcher shop on the next corner, I noticed it when I was walking here from
the Greyhound Terminal. The bus terminal, in case you don’t get the reference, the place
where you go because you can’t afford to come on the train or drive your car three hours
on the Hutchinson River Parkway. So I wait. My friend isn’t the kind of guy to delude
his friend, mislead him the way some producers, agents, directors, and women in general
do. No, he’s from Kansas, and true to his word he comes back in about twenty minutes
and he hands me this steak and he tells me to eat it. I mean, take it up to my kitchen, my
studio, my shitty little room and cook it. He can’t stay, he’s got an appointment
elsewhere—some dame waiting for him, cooking a steak for him. I don’t care. I’ve got
my steak. I wanna get up to my place to broil the damn thing. We hug and kiss, and he
says goodbye, he says, “Pal, I love you. You’re gonna make it,” and I believe him, or
pretend to believe him. He wants to believe in me. He’s that kind of guy, solid,
midwestern. And I go up the stairs.. I live on the fourth floor and the building doesn’t
have an elevator—you wouldn’t expect a building I live in to have an elevator, and I pass
Mr. McIntyre’s apartment and his fucking dog is sitting outside the apartment. Like a
queen. That dog’s better fed than I am. I could tell you how many days I wanted to be
that dog, lead that dog’s life, your kind of life, ma’am.
Gail
I’m not rich. I may be welloff, better off than many people, but I fight for higher wages
for other people, I fight for the underprivileged, for a fair minimum wage…
Jerry
Yeah, sure, I believe you. You’re one hot liberal. You’re on my side. I hear you loud
and clear. Fuck. It hasn’t got me a job in the theater yet. Anyway, Mr. McIntyre’s dog,
he likes me. He used to like me, I thought. I think deep down he still does…like me.
That’s what I’m thinking when he comes up to me, sniffing me, and I pet him just the
way I always pet him, and what do you think—can you believe it—he goes right to the
brown bag I’m holding. It’s my bag, and I raise it above my head. I think he’s joking,
the dog, and I’m not angry, not yet. I’m playing with him, understand? He doesn’t play
back. This is a different game he’s playing, and I don’t get it till it’s too late. What
happens is the damn dog grabs my bag and runs off with it. I chase him, but the dog
doesn’t go into Mr. McIntyre’s apartment at first, he runs up and down the stairs and I’m
24
chasing him and everybody is coming out of his door, the door to their apartments, see,
and I’m, well, maybe you can understand—frustrated. Embarrassed. Humiliated. And
the damn dog comes down the stairs again, runs right past me. He’s flaunting me, he
shows me the bag in his mouth, and then he starts eating my steak. My steak. In front of
me. In front of everybody in the building looking at me. The steak my friend bought for
me. It’s not only the steak now. It’s my honor. You’re humiliating me, I scream at the
dog. I curse him. I lunge at him. I try kicking him and the damn dog growls at me.
Growls at me. And Mr. McIntyre comes to the door. He’s a good guy, he understands
the situation. He turns up his alcohol eyes, all red and watery, and he apologizes.
“Sometimes I can’t control her,” he says to me. “Look, I’ll make it up to you. I haven’t
got the money to buy you a new steak,” he says very slow and dignified, “but you wanna
share my baked beans and spaghetti? It’s hot. Nice and hot, and it’s cold outside.
“Jerry,” he says, real nice and warm, “it’s cold outside.” …. Guess what I ate today?
Nothing. I wasn’t going to deprive that old man of his beans and spaghetti. That’s my
story. You got a better one?
Bill
It sounds like an Albee story.
Jerry
I’ll take the coat now, lady.
Bill
Don’t do that, please.
Jerry
(TO BILL) I like you, mate. I think you should walk over to that Albee man and
reacquaint yourself. It’ll make a man of you.
Bill
I can’t do that, and leave Gail alone.
Jerry
Desert her? She deserves it, the way she cuts you down.
Gail
I don’t cut him down.
Jerry
You told him he had no ambition.
Gail
God, you heard everything. Does everybody hear everything here?
Jerry
25
An actor hears everything to use it later.
Gail
He shouldn’t leave me to talk to Edward Albee. I’m his date. .
Jerry
No harm in going to Mr. Albee to further his career.
Gail
How can he further his career by talking to Mr. Albee? He hasn’t written a new play in
years. I am sure Mr. Albee doesn’t want to see old stuff again.
Jerry
If Mr. Albee likes him, things will happen. And your lover, my mate, can write a new
play. Can’t you, mate?. With a part in it for me.
Gail
Like the story you just made up?
Jerry
It happened.
Gail
It’s an excerpt from The Zoo Story, with a few additions from you.
Jerry
It’s a true story.
Gail
I bet.
Jerry
Albee got the idea from me.
Bill
He wrote the play years more than ten years ago, maybe twenty. Your story happened
two years ago. If it happened.
Jerry
It happened. I just said it happened two years ago to make it timely. Au courant.
Bill
Granted that’s allowed in literature. A littlie changing here, a little shaping there. But
how could he steal your story? You don’t know him.
26
Jerry
I told someone, someone told someone, the story gets around. The wheel turns. .
Bill
You really think I should talk to him?
Jerry
Sure. She’ll wait. Or she’ll go back to Connecticut.
Gail
You stop interfering!
Jerry
(TO BILL) What have you got to lose, man, a shot at the top, conning a force in the
theatre to look at your work. (HE LOOKS AT GAIL) And you’re testing out this lady
here—see if she waits for you..
Gail
If he leaves me here alone to talk to Albee—
Bill
You won’t be alone. There are 500 people in the lobby.
Gail
I’ll be with this—creep.
Jerry
You won’t. I’m leaving. And I’m leaving your coat too. (HE DROPS THE FUR COAT
TO FLOOR)
Bill
You’re not stealing it?
Jerry
Just trying out my act. Pretty good, wasn’t I? When I saw Albee across the room, it just
came to me. Improv. (TO BILL) You know what, pal, you go on up to Mr. Albee,
show your stuff to him—
Bill
I didn’t bring any stuff . I was going to the theater with Gail. Gail deserves my full
attention. She puts up with me. She’s the one who’s a real success, and she finds time to
be with me…. Hey, I feel I can talk with you, talking with you helps. .
Gail
(TO BILL) If you leave me for one instant, it’s over. Over.
27
Jerry
(TO BILL) You’re on your own now. .
(JERRY EXITS OFF STAGE)
BILL AND GAIL LOOK AT EACH OTHER. BILL CAN’T DECIDE WHAT TO DO.
FINALLY HE STARTS TO MOVE.
Bill
(TO GAIL) I’ll only be a minute.
Gail
I won’t be here when you come back.
BILL MOVES ACROSS THE LOBBY, KNOCKING INTO CARDBOARD FIGURES
OF PEOPLE, SAYING EXCUSE ME.
GAIL STANDS FROZEN..
BILL WALKS ON, UP TO EDWARD ALBEE AND A CARDBOARD FIGURE
REPRESENTING ALBEE’S GUEST/FRIEND.
LIGHTS GO UP ON ALBEE, WHO SEEMS AMUSED, INTERESTED AT
WHATEVER IS COMING NEXT.
ALBEE FRIEND/GUEST TED
I think he wants to talk to you, Edward.
Albee
Yes?
Bill
I don’t know if you remember… I took a master class with you years ago.
Albee
Yes. And—
Bill
My name is Bill Tagorandtagorovich. It’s a funny name. I mean, an odd name. that’s
why you might remember it. You joked about it in class.
Albee
Did I?
Bill
28
It was years ago. You probably don’t remember.
Albee
Well, it was years ago.
Bill
Yes, years ago. You asked about my background when I told you my name. I told you
my parents were from India, and that they were Jewish. You said that sounded
multicultural and was a good thing in a global age like this.
Albee
Did I?
Bill
Then you said to the class I was half Indian and half Jewish, and I corrected youI’m
sorry, correct is not the correct word for me to use, please excuse my … error.
Albee
Well, we’ve had an interesting geography lesson.
Bill
I said I was an Indian Jew. I’m from Indian heritage though I was born here, and I’m
Jewish.
Albee
You’ve explained that. What are you doing now?
Bill
I haven’t written anything lately.
Albee
Then why have you come to see me?
Bill
I—I—
Ted
Edward—(TONE IS THAT OF “BE KIND TO THE POOR FORMER STUDENT”)
Albee
Is this some sort of prank?
Bill
I just wanted to say hello.
29
Albee
Hello. (HE STARTS TO TURN HIS BACK TO BILL)
Bill
I just wanted to tell you how much your class meant to me. I just wanted to tell you how
much I think your foundation does for writers. The colony in Montauk, the good work at
Lincoln Center, and for PEN. I just wanted to tell you—
Albee
(HE SLOWLY TURNS BACK TO BILL)
If you’re serious about your writing, you should be writing, not talking to me. I saw you
and your friend a few minutes ago carrying on. You were making so much noise it was
impossible not to notice you. I couldn’t hear much of the dialogue, but I suggest you use
it, or be more serious about your time spent.. .
Bill
You’re right.
Albee
Attitude is a profound matter in life. If you’re serious, you should be selfish about your
time and selfcentered about your work.
Bill
You’re right. Thank you. I apologize for taking up your time. Can I ask one question?
Albee
Never apologize. A writer doesn’t waste time apologizing.
Bill
Do you remember my work? Do I have the talent to keep on going?
Ted
Edward—(THE TONE AGAIN IS “BE KIND”).
Albee
(BOTH SYMPATHETICALLY AND EXASPERATED) May I say you seem more
serious about your doubts than your goals? Look, you must accept failure. If success is
going to come, it will come. As for remembering your work, of course I do. Tell me
about it….
LIGHTS DIM ON ALBEE AND BILL.
LIGHTS UP ON GAIL. SHE IS STANDING ALONE, ANGRY. SHE PACES. A
WOMAN, MEREDITH, COMES FROM BEHIND, THROUGH THE CARDBOARD
30
FIGURES, AND WALKS UP TO HER. THE WOMAN IS IN HER EARLY
THIRTIES, SHE IS QUITE BEAUTIFUL. SHE IS WELLDRESSED AND POISED.
Meredith
I couldn’t help overhearing.
Gail
You, too.
Meredith
Well, you were loud.
Gail
Did you hear that crazy actor? He frightened me. People like him shouldn’t be allowed
into a theater.
Meredith
I knew he was acting.
Gail
You knew?
Meredith
I know the tricks. It’s a familiar monologue. I too was curious to see how you would
react.
Gail
You heard it before?
Meredith
Variations on it. I suspect a lot of the crowd knew your actor was just acting.
Gail
And to think I was frightened. God.
Meredith
I get tricked at times, too…. I read your columns regularly, when I’m in town. I’m an
fan.
Gail
You live in Connecticut?
Meredith
When I don’t work in Hollywood or on location. Greenwich.
31
Gail
I live there.
Meredith
I know. It’s all there in your writing.
Gail
I hope I didn’t sound like a fool.
Meredith
You sounded like maybe a woman in love and maybe not.
Gail
He is difficult.
Meredith
Men are difficult. Needy.
Gail
You’re not …(SHE IS PRETTY SURE SHE RECOGNIZES THE FILM STAR)
Meredith
Yes, I’m the progressive bitch of Hollywood. The star with all the liberal causes behind
her. The left’s showgirl. Gloria Steinem, Susan Sarandon, Jane Fonda, we’re lumped
together when one of us is not singled out for smearing. My agent hasn’t stopped
cautioning me since my first breakthrough.
Gail
Bill is always cautioning me. He says the FBI has a file on me.
Meredith
He’s probably right. You are known in the right circles. The left ones.
Gail
I don’t care. Some things are too important to be careful about.
Meredith
If you believe what you are saying, you have to take chances. With my name I can do
something. That’s the reason I’m talking to you. I admire your spunk. From your
columns I know you’re a housewife, you’ve raised two kids alone now that your husband
died a few years ago, and you have a younger lover. You’re comfortably off, your
husband was successful and he left you a big insurance policy. It would be very easy to
rest on these platitudes.
32
Gail
Does Bill look younger than me?
Meredith
Yes, but it’s more the way he acts.
Gail
I don’t go to movies much, but I make a point of paying full price to see every one of
your movies. I could get a senior price.
Meredith
I didn’t come up to you for compliments or box office receipts….When my husband died,
a lot went out of me. He was the liberal, the socialist. I just wanted to be an actress, and
his money and influence made me one. But I had the talent when the chance came. I’m
not engaging in false modesty. Without talent the rest comes to nothing.
Gail
And—Bill. Are you talking about him?
Meredith
He’s not my Bill. He’s yours.
Gail
It’s so hard to know. To decide.
Meredith
When it happens, there’s nothing you can do about it. And you know.
Gail
You’ve known a lot of men. You must know how much you can’t know.
Meredith
Before Larry, a lot of lovers. After Larry, I was used.
Gail
You?
Meredith
You’d be surprised at how old a young woman can become in Hollywood. Larry was
such a gift to me. A woman deserves one such gift in her life. If she loses it, or misuses
it, that’s her tragedy. I knew how lucky I was.
Gail
You must have loved him very much, and he you.
33
Meredith
It’s like the stories you write in your column. .Ironies. Love outlasts them all, but the
bumps hurt.
Gail
I still don’t understand it. Justice. I keep on believing in it but the world trips me up.
Meredith
Some people ask me for advice on marriage. I tell them I’m not the person to give such
advice. On divorce, yes. I’ve got experience in that.
Gail
Your romances have been headlines. Beautiful, talented, rich and a dogooder in the
movie industry. That’s a combination to be admired.
Gail
I’m a lousy lover. That’s why I have so many affairs.
Gail
Can I interview you for my column? It would be a scoop for a local paper.
Meredith
I’m only here through tomorrow. I fly for location shots in Tanzania.
Gail
I can do it tonight. Now.
Meredith
What about Bill?
Gail
He’ll have to understand. Opportunity knocks…..
Meredith
You’d be leaving him…without explanation.
Gail
That will be his problem. No, mine too. He’ll understand, or he won’t understand.
Meredith
All right.
Gail
I’ll leave him a note.
34
Meredith
Don’t. Don’t do things halfway.
Gail
I don’t even know if he’s coming back. The play’s not over yet. He never walks out on
anything. .
Meredith
I wish critics were like him.
Gail
You know what I was going to do before you came up—
Meredith
What?
Gail
I was going to march up to them and tell Bill he has a lot to learn about women. Not
Albee. He’s wicked but you can’t deny him his perceptions. His judgments are savage,
but that’s what a cutting edge is.
Meredith
What were you going to say?
Gail
I was going to walk up to them and they’d look at me in that arrogant, absentminded
way, and I’d say, Don’t mind me. And of course, they wouldn’t give me any notice,
except that my not saying anything would unnerve them. I’d enjoy that, and maybe a
moment or two later—this is intermission and I don’t know how long it’s going to
last—I’d walk up to the famous playwright and I’d tell him I don’t care how famous you
are, this is not right. It’s rude for Bill to leave me alone and come talk to you, no matter
how opportune the situation is. It’s rude, it’s male arrogance and absentee social
injustice all over again. I’d say, there’s a time and place for work, but it has no business
in a theater where a play is being performed, and one written by you. Bill should be
ashamed of himself. And you shouldn’t be listening to him.
Meredith
Wow! That would have made a big hit.
Gail
You don’t agree with me?
Meredith
35
I wouldn’t antagonize Mr. Albee. I still hope to appear in one of his plays.
Gail
I didn’t think about that.
Meredith
You know what I was going to tell you? If Bill should come back before we leave, or
even after and he phones you and tells you he’s learned the errors of his ways, I’d drop
him.
Gail
But why—he’d be showing his commitment to me. Wouldn’t that be something to hold
onto?
Meredth
That’s why I’d drop him. If he can’t stand up to you and fight with you tooth and nail,
he’s not worth it. There’s no point in sparring with someone who surrenders all the time.
Gail
I don’t know.
Meredith
You want the interview? We’ll have to leave now. .
Gail
Let’s go.
GAIL AND MEREDITH MOVE OFFSTAGE.
LIGHTS UP ON ALBEE AND HIS FRIEND/GUEST (CARDBOARD FIGURE). BILL
HAS MOVED OFF FROM THEM LOOKING FOR GAIL.
Albee
He was amusing in a tiresome way. I don’t predict much success for him. But who
knows? I have been wrong.
Ted
Edward, you must do something about this intermission. It’s been going on for a very
long time.
Albee
Oh, my God! Ted, I forgot there’s no intermission. They’re playing it tonight without
an intermission to see how it goes. We’ve been waiting for an act that’s not coming.
Ted
36
Sounds like something out of Beckett., they shouldn’t do that to an Albee work..
Anyway, I really think we’d better go. There’s a man coming into the lobby with a goat.
A MIDDLEAGED MAN, BENJAMIN, HIS SHIRT FLAPPING OUT OF HIS PANTS,
IS LEADING A GOAT INTO THE LOBBY BY A ROPE TIED ROUND ITS NECK.
THE GOAT IS SKITTISH, FRIGHTENED.
Benjamin
Come on now, Sylvia. Don’t be frightened. It’s just people, like you and me. You know
I’ll make sure no one hurts you. I love you, Sylvia. A man can love a goat just as much
as anything else. A famous writer once wrote a play about that, and if it was in a play
then it’s sure to be that way in life.
MAN PULLS RELUCTANT GOAT FURTHER ONTO THE STAGE AS CURTAIN
FALLS.
.
LIGHTS OUT.
END OF PLAY
37
38
HOW TO MEET EDWARD ALBEE
Change title to SHOULD I SPEAK TO EDWARD ALBEE?
A comedy by Martin Tucker
I. See him at LC—Bill breaks off conversation with Gail—to talk to him.
Two points of view—should one take advantage of meeting a famous person by going off
…
II. Gail’s point of view—offended—anger, jealousy—she thinks Bill thinks it is
more important to get ahead than to have good relationship with her…
III. Years later, each gone his way. They meet again. In LC—Edward Albee
centennial? How do they act? Comic ending… Is Bill famous playwright
now? Gail famous rebel, the Jane Fonda of her time?
Bill idea for play—TS Eliot as seducer, W.H. Auden as saint (much maligned)—how
they get through life…
.
39
These asre just notes—for me—
End of play—
Someone says—(Albee?) Oh, my god. I forgot. They’re playing it without an
intermission. The play’s been over since we came out here. Well, we got a chance to
talk, didn’t we?
Albee friend—Yes, Edward
Some ideas/quotes…
Gail to Bill—what is it that’s really real about you?
Line==It’s the same as always. I really tried this time. But she didn’t want to go
halfway.
The one thing I’d like you to do is something longterm.
Lines: You may not believe it, but I was beautiful once (Pause)—Aren’t you going to say
something?
You were beautiful once, and—(apologetic) Yes, I can see the traces…I mean, it’s still
there….
Three other characts—
Martha Washing (Albee—stole my life story for Who’s Afraid?
she married Washington for his name (maiden name—Martha Moskowitz)
Jerry—Albee stole the dog story from him
“Did you tell him the story?”
“No, but it happened. Just the way he put it in the play. It was my dog, too.”
“Did the dog tell him the story? Then he stole it from the dog, not you.”
“It was my dog. What belongs to my dog belongs to me. That’s the law in New Jersey
where I come from.”
;gailinvests in plays furthering her platform….
Albee—Of courseI know your work. Tell me about it.
(MT—in Albee’s play group)
Albee: You see, you’re beginning to understand. A play is layers, understanding,
commentary but active, not simply observatory. A play is about relationships, opening
doors on them.
Albee friend—a cardboard—he says only—Hello (when introduced by Albee) and, at end
of play, “This intermission is enormously long. When are they going to open the doors?”
Albee friend—“Edward, is there anything the matter with this production? Couldn’t you
ask for a shorter intermission?”
40
Albee and friend, or Jerry dialogue: They say she’s a rare bird, intelligent as well as
beautiful. She writes too.
the new Susan Sontag.
not the type. And sontag was a beautiful essayist but not a playwright, though she
wrote plays…
lines:
Gail—You want to say hello to her too? You want to leave me alone again.
Bill—I’m not in her class.
Gail—That’s something to admit. You’ve taken one step forward.
Bill—I’ll never be in her class.
Gail—Well, now we’re getting somewhere. Does this mean you’ll be staying with me
for the rest of the intermission?
Bill—I don’t think there’s much of it left. Yes, I’ll be here.
Gail—Good.
End of play—
Someone says—(Albee?) Oh, my god. I forgot. They’re playing it without an
intermission. The play’s been over since we came out here. Well, we got a chance to
talk, didn’t we?
Albee friend—Yes, Edward
========
Change TITLE to SHOULD I SPEAK TO EDWARD ALBEE?
Also, SHOULD I GIVE ALBEE’S LINES TO HIS FRIEND ROGER (***GIVE HIM A
HUMAN FORM, ALSO, NO LONGER A CARDBOARD FIGURE)….
Albee could say: I’ll let my friend Roger answer for me. He’s the producer. He knows
what a play should be like. I write what is important to me, what I cannot help writing.
Roger thinks of the audience first. He’s a producer, his eye is on the market. It’s a
compromise we both have to make.
Should I add at some point after second attacker on Albee (Jerry), should a goat come
in? It can be at very end of play, with Roger saying to Albee:
Roger—It’s a good idea to leave now, I think. I just spotted a man leading a goat into
the lobby….
A man leads a goat into the lobby. Goat is finicky, insecure, frightened. He jerks man
around.
41
Man: Come on now, Sylvia. Don’t be frightened. They’re just people, like you and me.
You know I’m here to protect you. I love you, Sylvia….
42