The longing for respect

 The Philippine Star

 10 Nov 2012

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Here’s a wonderful report about respect that I got from The Way We are Working Isn’t Working Anymore by
Tony Schwartz, with Jean Gomes and Catherine McCarthy, Ph.D:
James Gilligan, a professor of psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania, has spent 40 years studying
violence. “In the course of the work,” he writes, “I have been struck by the frequency with which I received the
same answer when I asked prisoners, or mental patients, why they assaulted or even killed someone. Time after
time, they would reply, ‘because he disrespected me.’” Gilligan has found that gaining respect, even more than
money, is often the motive for armed robbery. “When I actually sat down and spoke at length with men who
had repeatedly committed such crimes, I would start to hear comments like ‘l never got so much respect before
in my life as I did when I pointed a gun at some dude’s face.’”
Gilligan tells the story of working with an inmate in a prison who seemed uncomfortable. The inmate kept
assaulting guards, despite increasingly severe punishments, until he was finally placed in solitary confinement
24 hours a day. Even then, whenever a guard opened the door to his cell, the inmate attacked. Gilligan was
brought in to try to help. “What do you want so badly?” he asked the inmate, “that you are willing to give up
everything else in order to get it?” Ordinarily so inarticulate that it was difficult to understand anything he said,
the inmate suddenly stood up tall and replied to Gilligan’s question with absolute clarity: “Pride. Dignity. Self-
esteem.” Then he added, “And I’ll kill every (@#$%&*) in that cell block if I have to in order to get it. If you
ain’t got pride, you ain’t got nothin.’” This is so revealing isn’t it? Respect is something everyone needs and
wants. Respect is what husbands want from their wives, what parents want from their kids, what bosses want
from their direct reports. Our sense of self-worth, no matter how secured in ourselves we are, is still influenced
to some degree by how others value us. We want people to acknowledge our existence, to value us, and to find
us useful and important. When people admire us we feel good; when they insult and offend us, we feel furious.
Without respect we feel worthless.
But sometimes, people don’t get the respect they want because they don’t understand that, to get respect, one
should first give it and earn it.
Some leaders who behave more like jerks don’t understand this. They pounce, offend, insult and make others
feel insignificant thinking they’re getting respect in the process, when what they actually achieve is just to have
themselves feared. But fear is so much different from respect.
The lack of recognition and the feeling of being taken for granted – the lack of respect – are the biggest reasons
why people leave their organizations.
Respect others. It’s as simple as considering others better than yourself. Respect others, and you will be
respected. This is how you earn the respect you long for.