Untitled

Kent Darwin J. Guinmapang

Real life starts when you already realize the things that are happening. My life started
when I entered in the seminary. As I am writing this untitled letter, I was here sitting on a swing
just to make something with my time. I am already a 4th year seminarian and incoming 5th year
for the next school year. My life in the seminary in my previous years is all about searching my
true self. Yes, I am Kent Darwin but it’s only a name. Along with my journey it’s not about
making my own self but what I am trying to do is finding it. If I’m making my own journey
maybe I cannot be of myself right now. Maybe I am not in the seminary. Maybe I am not the
person whom I think I am today.

The self I have when I was born until I was in the elementary to high school is a self
which I think the memory that makes me frustrated. I did many things that are not right and I
kept it only from myself. I am scared to be in the past, I am afraid that it could destroy the
present happy moments that I have. Maybe this is part of my life but this past memory is a
memory that I never I accepted that I did those things in my life. There are many issues and
unacceptable things I have done before. I could not let go of it because I could not accept it as a
part of my journey in the past and I never accepted the self I have before.

The present journey that I have is a moment where I think sometimes I am living in a lie.
There are things that I am just keeping from myself inside that no one knows. I am having
troubles emotionally and psychologically. There are things that sometimes making me happy but
it also makes me totally sad. The only happiness that I have is to be with the presence and
atmosphere where I could encounter God in invisible way and also to be with the people whom I
think are the ones who can understand myself and treated me as I am. But most of the time I am
living in a sad moments and reality. To be with my own biological family is feeling at home but I
never experience a total happiness where I could smile a lot and talk a lot and even cry a lot with
them. The only person that I know whom can I smile with is my brothers in the seminary not all
of them but maybe most of them.

There are times in my life that I really feeling absurd. There are no things in 100 years
full of happiness and full of sadness but only sad happiness. If there is happiness there is also
sadness. This is to maintain order in the world. The only thing that I am asking always is if there
is the one who is almighty. If there is one how could he be so relax and do nothing. He could not
even show himself. How could he be so cruel to make this world and our life so miserable. My
question is if he intervening in our life is he trying to play with me that he makes fun of putting
me into moments of sadness that I could not understand sometimes. My one big question in this
life is what matters most, is it searching it or making it?