Union Biblical Seminary

Bibvewadi, Pune.
MARRIAGE AND FAMILY COUNSELLING

Presenters: Lazar Danam and Barnabas SP Respondents: Karung C and

Facilitator: Dr. Sunitha Noronha Date: 05. 12.2018

Paper Presentation

Topic: Marriage and Family Counselling & Marriage and Family Psychotherapy

Introduction

1. Definition of Terms (Add Oxford Dictionary and Counselling Dictionary)

Marriage:Marriage as a legally recognized social contract between two people, traditionally

based on a sexual relationship and implying a permanence of the union1.

Family:Family is a socially recognized group (usually joined by blood, marriage, or adoption)

that forms an emotional connection and serves as an economic unit of society2.

2. Difference between Counselling and Psychotherapy.

Counselling is required when person or family experience disturbing difficulties in managing

personal, interpersonal and family oriented functions but which some intervention and assistance
they can move forward in life. Psychotherapeutic intervention and assistance are required when
an individual or the family experience dysfunctions and disorder that diminish the possibility of
fulfilling experience in which context they need intensive and sustained help for a considerable
period of time in order to correct the dysfunctions and enhance their functional ability, both
personal and interpersonal3.

3. Marriage and Family Counselling

1
https://opentextbc.ca/introductiontosociology/chapter/chapter14-marriage-and-family/(Accessed on 25
November 2018)
2
https://opentextbc.ca/introductiontosociology/chapter/chapter14-marriage-and-family/(Accessed on 25
November 25, 2018)
3
George Varghese, A Study book on Counselling(Tiruvalla: ChristuSahithyaSamithi, 2012), 96.

1
Marriage and Family counselling is an interactive process which seeks to aid the family in
regaining a homeostatic balance with which all the members become comfortable with each
other as they find an increasing motivation to deal with the issues that trouble them earlier. The
counselling process helps family members to express to express themselves to become aware of
their needs, and to become more sensitive to the needs of the others 4. Prashantham assumes that
Marriage and Family life is God-ordained, sacred and the most fragile of all human relationships.
This particular aspect plays a vital role in shaping individuals and makes them to be better beings
in the society.5 Therefore, the helping hand of a pastor is much needed in the field of family life,
where a reasonable degree of expertise in all types of care and counselling is important.6

4. Stages of Marriage and Family Development

Prashantham brings out the stages of growth of the family which in fact enables them to grow.
The first stage would be to get acquainted with each other. The couple will learn to understand
and study each other. Secondly, it is the stage of bearing child. This stage sets to motion changes,
physical and that includes emotions as well. Thirdly, the entire life of the couple revolves with
the stage of child rearing, where both began to understand and play their respective roles. Fourth
stage is crucial where they help the child to get good education, get them married and see that
they are settled in life. Fifthly, this stage serves to be a peak experiences for many to see the
extension of their personalities through the posterity i.e., Grand Parenting. Sixth stage that he
proposes is the Empty-nest, where they revive themselves to be couple again. If they had
sustained their relationship, this stage would be much interesting than before.7

5. Goals of Marital and Family Counselling

Marriage and family counselling primarily helps the couples to work with their intellectual,
emotional, relational, economic, social, religious and intimacy sexual issues that bother them and
hinder marital satisfaction and wellbeing8. Family counselling involves helping couple and
family members to discuss and understand the factors that create dysfunction and to work on

4
Varghese, A Study book on Counselling…,96.
5
B.J Prashantham, Indian Case Studies in Therapeutic Counselling (Bangalore: Asian Trading
Corporation, 1994), 64.
6
Howard Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counselling: Resources for the Ministry of Healing
and Growth (Thiruvalla: SuVartha Bhavan, 1984), 10.
7
Prashantham, Indian Case Studies in Therapeutic Counselling, 72-73.
8
Varghese, A Study book on Counselling…,98.

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these issues in order to sustain relational satisfaction and to encourage positive family
experience. The specific goals are…

5. 1. “To help the family members learn and emotionally appreciate the strength of their family
system and encourage them to work with their limitations in order to facilitate a fulfilling marital
and family experience.

5. 2.To help the family members become aware of that if one person of the family has problem,
these may be the effect of one or more other members in the family whose perceptions,
perspectives, expectations, demands, communication and attachment that have played negative
dynamics impacting the person.

5. 3. To increase sensitivity, empathy and tolerance within the family system which helps to
decrease emotionally charged reactions with one other.

5. 4. To increase tolerance in the family experience when encountered loss, failures, unexpected
reactions and behaviors.

5. 5. To increase the motivation among the family members to encourage, support and enhance
self-esteem and confidence in each other, enabling them for authentic life experience within the
family and outside.

5. 6. To work out realistic expectations in marriage and family within the framework of roles and
responsibilities.

5. 7. To help each one in the family to articulate and to express their anxieties, fears and
concerns which have a direct or indirect impact on the family system”.9

5. 8. To enable them to reopen their blocked communication, making them to realize the attitude
of escalating, self-perpetuating cycle of mutual attack and retaliation. And also helping them to
become aware of their strengths and unused assets that are within them, which can serve as
constructive tools to build each other. And also enabling them to identify the specific areas
where change-growth must occur in each person’s own behavior to interrupt their crisis and
make their marriage more mutually need-filling.10

9
Varghese, A Study book on Counselling…,98.
10
Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counselling, 268.

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6. The Biblical Concept and Nature of Marriage and family.

In the Old Testament, marriage is expressed through words of action like ‘take a wife’ (Gen
24:2, 67; Hos 1:2), ‘covenant’ (Jer 2:3), ‘go in’ (Gen 16:2), ‘yada’ (knowing intimately – Gen
4:1). The word ‘take’ is implied with an understanding that it is an arrangement with the family
of the girl or the boy where the family gives their consent in the marriage. But the words,
‘sending her away’ or she ‘goes from him’ is understood within the context of breaking their
marital relationship indicates divorce. (Jer 3:1-12). In the NT understanding, the word sued is
gamous, meaning marriage – Jn 2:1, which became the root word for English monogamy or
polygamy.11

The nature of the biblical marriage is understood as one instituted by God. (Gen 2:18; Ecc 4:9-
12), husband and wife are equal partners. Here the equality of husband and wife can be
understood in terms the narrative speaking of God creating both in his own image (gen 1:26-28).
And Jesus in the NT never mentions or treats women as someone inferior to men and it is noted
that he had a high respect for women. The message in 1 Cor 11:1-16 relates to the discipline in
worship, prayer and prophesying. And in Gal 3:28 Paul emphasizes the importance of equality of
men and women. And marriage is an initiative of God and followed by Human beings.12

7. Theological understanding of Marriage and Family.

Genesis 2:18-25 describes basic understanding of marriage and family. It is an institution

ordained and ordered by God. It is the only institution that was established before sin came in to
the world13., Further, Lyle Gangsei says marriage is not only god’s institution but also “it is
social institution founded upon sex and reproduction”14. Therefore it is God’s institution for
reproduction. Theology of marriage and family understood as,

11
Jesudason Baskar Jeyaraj, “Biblical Concept, Imageries and Issues of Marriage,” Marriage, Family and
Church; Holistic Child Development Vol 2 (Jesudason Baskar Jeyaraj ed,; Bangalore: Christian Forum for Child
Development, Bangalore, 2014), 1-27. Here, 2.
12
Jeyaraj, “Biblical Concept, Imageries and Issues of Marriage,” 2-12.
13
Dag Heward mills, Model Marriage: A marriage counselling handbook (Chennai: Vasanth prints&
reproduction, 2011), 13.
14
Lyle B Gangsei, Manual for group pre-marital counselling (New York: Association press,1971), 27.

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7. 1. The need for companionship15: God looked at Adam as human being. God understood
need of companionship for Adam. God identified loneliness in Adam and brought the right
person in his life.

7. 2. The need for Emotional Nurturing16: All human being are emotional in nature. We need
caring and support from others. Being alone does not bring emotional enrichment. The
experienced presence and the quality of relating with one other fulfill the emotional nourishing in
marital relationship.

7. 3. Sexual Fulfilment17: Human beings are sexual in nature. God created human being as
sexual being. Bible talks about man and woman in marriage becoming one flesh. Sexual
fulfilment contributes to the health and growth in marriage. Lack of sexual fulfilment in marriage
leads to conflicts.

7. 4. Procreation in Marriage18: the partner in marriage have a social and religious obligation
to child-rearing. God creation continues in the world today with the process of new creation.

7. 5. Caring19: God’s plan of care to God’s community through God’s people. Caring for oneself
and caring for others is essential in God’s creation.

8. Changes in the type of family.

The more demanding style of marriage that is emerging in today’s world is the “the mutual
potentializing marriage,” where the reason why couples wish to marry is because of the
expectation that it would provide a satisfying relationship, meaningful communication and that it
would enhance personal growth. But when such couple enter marriage without relationship-
building, then the marriage ends up in disappointment, also such condition leads to divorce,
separation and dissertation.20

The traditional family system in India across regional, linguistic and religious communities have
undergone drastic change and new forms of marriage and family due to industrialization,

15
Varghese, A Study book on Counselling…,153.
16
Varghese, A Study book on Counselling…,153.
17
Varghese, A Study book on Counselling…,154.
18
Varghese, A Study book on Counselling…,154.
19
Varghese, A Study book on Counselling…,155.
20
Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counselling, 254-255.

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urbanization and globalization. P.D. Devanadan says new ideas, new social sanctions and new
social structures greatly influenced for the structure of the family in India21.

9. The Issues that revolve within the Marriage

The model of conflict that shares the life experiences of the couple in general are; Polarization
(mutual accusations), Differences in perception (misunderstanding and misinterpretation),
change in relationship (from warmth to coldness and cruelty) and change in communication
(from openness to withdrawal).22

Virginia Satir23 states the four main issues that the couple and the families face are:

a) Self-worth – Each of them wants to be loved, accepted, someone to care and respected
b) Communication – Learning to be open and not accusative
c) Rules – Reviewing their rules and agreeing to what both wanted.
d) Relationship with the outside world. – The need to have public relations and friendship.
It is the prime duty of the counsellor to make the couple face each other and enable them to
ventilate their concerns one by one and help them to listen carefully what their spouse is trying to
share. “The discussion need to resolve, closeness versus conflicts, partner acceptance versus
partner change, one partner’s needs and desire versus another partner’s needs and desires and
intimacy versus autonomy”24.

10. Growth in marriage and family

Howard Clinebell introduced the Intentional Marriage Method which talks about the growth
formula in marriage life. It focuses on personal growth and marital enrichment through affirming
love and honest openness in the relationship. Marriage should be reflecting a mutual upholding
and caring relationship. At the same time it is important to be open about each other’s areas of
growth and limitations and express them without being critical and judgmental25.

21
P.D.Devanadan and MM Thomas., editors, The changing pattern of the family in India (Bangalore:
Christian Institute for the study of religion and society, 2007), 95.
22
Prashantham, Indian Case Studies in Therapeutic Counselling, 67.
23
Virginia Satir, People Making, Science and Behavior Books (California: Inc, 1972), 3-8.
24
Linda Metcalf., Editor, Marriage and Family Therapy (New York: Spinge publishing company,2011),
103.
25
Varghese, A Study book on Counselling…,140.

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There are four steps in intentional marriage method which helps couples to enrich their marriage
by reducing their negativity and pain and increase sense of affirmation and mutual satisfaction.

“Step-1. Identifying and affirming the strengths of the relationship. Couples have to complete the
sentence by saying “I appreciate you”. This helps the couple to focus on the strength of their
marital experience.

Step-2. Identifying growth edge. Couples will identify their unmet needs, wants, desire in each
persons that often leads to conflict. Couples have complete the sentence by saying “I Need from
you...”

Step-3. Intentionally increase the mutual satisfaction of relationship. It is re-contracting for

change, deciding to meet the unmet needs. Couples have to work out a concrete workable plan
with time and schedule.

Step-4. Implementing the action plan. Fourth step is to help the couple to monitor their action
plan. In this step, couples have to implement whatever they have discussed. In this context, their
opinion, viewpoint, hopes, fears and anxieties must be adequately discussed”26.

11. The role of the counsellor in marriage and family psychotherapy.

The role of the counsellor in psychotherapy is to adopt goals and strategies for each case viewing
their needs, level of maturity and the level of satisfaction. The approaches, goals, method, and
techniques must directed towards helping the couple or family members to work with their non-
functional issues, resolve relational experience which would create a fulfilling experience 27.The
role of the counsellor is to encourage and motivate for the change and relational interpersonal
assessment and planning for behavioral change.

12. Counselling Process and skills28.

 Listen with respect.

 Rephrasing the problem.
 Clarifying the perspectives.
 Articulate and clarifying expectations.
26
Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counselling…,p255.
27
Varghese, A Study book on Counselling…,96.
28
Varghese, A Study book on Counselling…,163-168.

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  Express feelings/ empathy.
 Improve communication pattern.
 Dealing with fears and anxieties.
 New Direction.
 Evaluation and Appreciations.

The counsellor should not take sides between the couple. The Counsellor must stay neutral and
unbiased between the couple. The goals that the couple want to accomplish will be arrived at by
the couple themselves in collaboration with the counsellor.The counsellor should not jump to
advice giving or telling the couple who is right and who is wrong. The Counsellor need to
facilitate the partner to listen to other person and try to convey without reacting to it in a critical
way.

13. Ministry of the Pastor towards marriage and family.

There are few inter-related factors that makes pastors develop skills in marriage and family
counselling:

The pastors are more in a strategic position to do family care and counselling. They function
within family systems giving them hope for family that is in need. They play a major role in
preparing the couple for marriage and weddings, participate in the joyous and painful moments
of the intergenerational cycle of families. Also it is essential for ministers or pastors to develop
competence in the area of long range human values that support for a strong family life and also
they are to possess the amount of knowledge that is required to journey with the life of his/her
church members. Then the pastor is to be aware of the contemporary crisis in marriage and
family life. The pastor is to stand as a medium to enable the couple to carry their marriage with
respect towards one another, where equal importance is given to one another in the decision
making.29

14. Implications to Pastoral Counselling.

In order to help people respond creatively to the challenges in marriage and family life, the
churches need to focus on “a pastoral care- education” dimension that includes classes,

29
Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counselling, 251-253.

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workshops, retreats and camps and “a pastoral counselling” dimensions that will enable the
families to find where they are in their family life. Such programs will definitely enable couples
to understand the need for a martial counselling to therapy in order to seek a timely help.30 The
common goal of such “wholeness-oriented marriage counselling and enrichment is to help
couple co-create a relationship where both of them are enabled to discover and develop their
maximum gifts as individuals in mutually enhancing ways.”31

For Clinebell, the deepest intimacy that includes the satisfying sex is psychologically possible
only within a relationship of genuine equality.32 Such committed relationship is based on, the
privileges and rights, obligations and duties that are experienced within the family. More often
the marriage enrichment and counselling sometimes enables couples to merely to adjust to their
existing contract more comfortably without evaluating and changing its unfair and unequal
aspects. Such an approach will certainly not liberate or help in a long run towards the
strengthening of relationship.33 And to this, there is a need for the couple to be autonomous
(both) to choose loving interdependency rather than the symbiotic dependency of two-half
persons.34

15. Recommended theories for marriage and family Counselling.

 Nathan Ackerman’s integrated approach.

 Murray Bowen’s family system theory.
 The structural family therapy proposed by Salvador
 Virginia Stair’s conjoint family therapy.
 Marriage enrichment and growth model by Howard Clinebell
 Imago therapy by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt
 Rational Emotional Behavior therapy by Albert Ellis and etc.

Conclusion

30
Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counselling, 255.
31
Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counselling, 256.
32
Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counselling, 256.
33
Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counselling, 257.
34
Clinebell, Basic types of Pastoral Care and Counselling, 258.