10 Types of 30-Year-Old Single

Guys
By Tim Urban

30-year-old guys are a curious bunch.

Find me a group of 30-year-old men and I’ll pick out one overgrown frat dude living
with roommates, another guy who just dropped his two kids off at school, a few who
are well into their careers and a couple soul-searchers looking for work. Some will
tell you that they’ve finally figured it all out and some more will say they feel hopeless
for the first time in their lives. It’s a motley crew.

But perhaps the motliest part of this crowd is the ever-growing group of 30-year-old
single guys. If you want a case study in humanity, 30-year-old single guys have
pretty much all the bases covered. Let’s examine some of the common types:

1) The Total Package

The Total Package is smart—he went to a top college. The Total Package is an
athlete, a musician, and an avid traveler. The Total Package is handsome—and you
better believe he’s well-groomed.

The Total Package has a hell of a career going, but don’t you for a second suggest
that The Total Package would be a workaholic—The Total Package is a family man.

There’s just one thing The Total Package seems to be having a hard time finding—a
girl worthy of his greatness.

Yes, the woman fit for The Total Package will be the ultimate icing on his cake of
perfection. He imagines her often—gorgeous as they come, she turns heads;
bursting with charm and charisma, she lights up every room she enters; she’s a
brilliant rising star in her career and beloved by her many friends. And that’s just her
public persona—at home, she’s fantastic in bed, a spectacular cook, loving, selfless,
and devoted. Oh and she also speaks French, plays tennis, sings beautifully, reads
voraciously and she’s a history buff. His Juliet.

Unsurprisingly, The Total Package is single. He’s immersed in a fierce battle

between his superhuman standards and his terror of being 40 and single—because
40 and single is not supposed to be part of The Total Package’s story.

2) The New Lease On Life Guy

As long as anyone can remember, The New Lease On Life Guy had been dating his
longterm girlfriend. He never seemed that happy in the relationship, but everyone
just assumed they would eventually get married. Now, after a long and difficult
breakup, The New Lease On Life Guy has reemerged with a bang and is suddenly
acting like he just got called down on The Price Is Right. He’s not really sure how to
be single but he’s goddamn happy he is, and he’s sure as hell going out tonight.

He’s also the arch-nemesis of The Resigned Fiance, who’s in an equally unhappy
relationship but just kind of kept going with it, unable to resist the sweet, sweet
inertia, and who most certainly does not want to hear about The New Lease On Life
Guy’s latest exploits.

3) The Guy Who Has To Marry

Someone Of The Same Ethnicity Or His
Parents Will Never Speak To Him Again

It’s hard enough finding someone to be your life partner, and this guy’s parents are
really not making things any easier. He tried to rebel briefly, but after his last
girlfriend was not allowed in his parents’ house, causing her to cry, he gave up on
that.

He’d also really appreciate it if his mother would stop setting him up on dates.

4) The Misogynist
The Misogynist hates women, and women hate The Misogynist. The Misogynist
doesn’t know a whole lot about the other gender, but he can tell you the exact
number of them he’s slept with—214.

He did quite well with girls back in his earlier days when many were in their attracted
to assholes phase, but lately, only those with the lowest self-esteem seem to
gravitate towards him.

The Misogynist’s close cousin is The Perpetual Cheater. They’re different but they
understand each other.

5) The Guy Who Peaked Too Early

Back in the day, The Guy Who Peaked Too Early had everything a 17-year-old girl
could ever dream of. His sky-high confidence carried him smoothly through college,
and no one was surprised when he landed a smart, sweet, beautiful girlfriend in his
early 20s. But The Guy Who Peaked Too Early was just getting started. There was a
field that needed to be played, and he broke up with his girlfriend when he was 24.

Now it’s seven years later, his hair got bored and left, and his high school lacrosse
glory isn’t part of the conversation that much these days. And he’s noticing that girls
like his ex-girlfriend don’t seem to be all that into him anymore. Realizing this about
five years after everyone else, he takes a deep sigh and cranks his standards down
a few big notches.

6) The Guy Who’s Finally a Good Catch

On the other side of the coin, after losing some weight, getting decent clothes, and
having early career success, The Guy Who’s Finally a Good Catch is getting more
attention each week than he got in his first 25 years combined. Girls find it endearing
that such an appealing guy has managed to maintain his humility, when it’s actually
just that he’s assuming every girl is out of his league at all times.

Once his new situation starts to sink in, he enters an unfortunate new phase,
stressing his male friends out by doing things like winking at them over the shoulder
of a girl he’s dancing with and offering them a fist pound when an attractive girl walks
by on the street.

7) The Normal Guy Who Just Hasn’t

Met The Right Girl Yet And He Really
Wishes People Would Stop Looking At
Him With Those Pitying Eyes
Ah, The NGWJHMTRGYAHRWPWSLAHWTPE.
The NGWJHMTRGYAHRWPWSLAHWTPE is enjoying his life. He likes his job,
he likes his friends, and he likes being single just fine. He’s in no rush to be in a
relationship and feels totally confident that at some point, he’ll meet the right girl and
get married.

He’s also not quite sure why everyone who knows him is trying to figure out “what
the problem is.” His parents are worried, never wasting an opportunity to ask him if
he’s been dating anyone. His friends want to help, setting him up on dates every
chance they get. He appreciates all the unsolicited support, but he also thinks it
would be pretty great if everyone stopped thinking there was something wrong with
him.

8) The Aggressively Online Dating Guy

Who Can’t Believe He’s Not Married Yet
The opposite of the previous guy, The Aggressively Online Dating Guy Who Can’t
Believe He’s Not Married Yet can’t believe he’s not married yet. Through high
school, college and his twenties, he was always The Guy With A Girlfriend. He spent
years enjoying pitying his single friends, and somehow, he’s now 30 and single.

He has four online dating profiles, and when people ask him if he’s dating anyone,
he explains that he’s just too busy with his career right now for a relationship.

9) The In-The-Closet Guy

The In-The-Closet Guy is so close to being the perfect catch—he’s handsome, he’s
well-dressed, and he has a great job. He’s funny, articulate, and
charming. The only tiny little inconvenience is that he’s not attracted to females
whatsoever.
His antithesis is The NGWJHMTRGYAHRWPWSLAHWTPE, who’s had just enough
of the theories about him being gay, since he’s completely straight and, for the
hundredth time, just hasn’t met the right girl yet and is really very okay with being
single right now.

10) The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit

At This Point

The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point never tried that hard in the first place,
but at least there used to be a semblance of effort. He doesn’t like going to bars,
refuses to try online dating, and both the bong and the X-Box are back in the living
room following their brief stint in the closet after his friend gave him a pep talk one
day four months ago.

Deep down, The Guy Who Has Just Fully Quit At This Point is pretty frightened
about a lot of things, but his fear manifests itself in indifferent denial, and passivity
usually prevails. There is only one way that things change for The Guy Who Has
Just Fully Quit At This Point, and that’s to find himself squarely in the sights of The
Girl Who Relentlessly Pursues. Until then, the whole thing isn’t really his issue.