I was sitting in an old chair when I received a letter from unknown person, and nowadays you can rarely

receive a letter for someone and because of the technology it is just one tap and toot! You can receive a
message through e-mails. Social media is very convenient and fast to say what you want with other
people. I never expect receiving such letter but it is not just a letter, but letters rather .I ignore those
letters. It was still morning and what I usually do every morning, start my day with coffee in my hand
and usual checking of my e-mails to read and select stories for some people and critique them and post
them on my blog spot. I started my usual work and lit a cigarette just to relax myself. Smoking relieves
everything in front of me. Some e-mails are just same old new cliché stories: Love life, deaths, comedy,
and mysteries. You know, it sucks doing this over again and again. Some of my messages are invitations
in book signing and some guess speaker in some events but I end up ignoring this kind of invitation, I
never accept it I’m contented in my life now: Far from people. I’ll just post on my blog spot and I have
my money not to interact with people around. I know these stories are product of creative mind. And
I’m often to be rude in their works but that’s how it should be but you’ll get to use in me. I carefully read
and analyze their work. And I admit it that I sometimes didn’t read the whole stories. There are in some
stories that is missing, I’m looking for an ingredient that will feed my appetite. Some stories are too
exaggerated and some are obviously you know how it will the plot end. I need something magical and
lead me to think again twice after reading it. I guess only few writers that have power and talent to see
in their works. I wish I could read something new today.

Reading and commenting in letters and e-mails are very difficult job to do but this how I paid and earn
my money. I’m reading few e-mails right now but there is nothing that caught my attention it seems like
everyone composed same in-trend genres and storylines. But I should not deprived their talent so I keep
my comments shorter and that will never bring them down. I took a break and stretch my arms and
back, it is kinda feel numb and hurt. I take another cigarette and lit it ,I take a deep sip on my cigarette
and blow it to the air and look up on my ceiling. Every day, my life start doing this job and it seems like
I’m going to die doing the same thing over and over again. May be the only thing that makes me special
is that I was too keen and discreet observant , everyone can do this but that factors made me has an
upper hand with others. “Tik-tok, tik-tok” silence is deafening me and only hears the clock counting the
time. Time running fast and I have so many e-mails to read. I crack my joints in my fingers stretching
outward and ‘click’ ‘tap’ ‘tap’ opens tab and start writing something and went to some web. I feel so
revved up and please myself. I started biting my lips and my hand start to move on its own as I’m
watching it. I know it was not good idea doing this but somehow it boost my spirit to work again. I’m
watching people who are kissing and intertwine to each other. Pulling and pushing as if they are making
an art . I put my hand inside my pants and play what’s on inside. Teasing myself and putting more
pressure as I play it. These people are very good at making my libido out. I’m such a mess person. ?
Jerking in what I’m watching now. “Faster! And just f**k me hard” as you can hear in my speaker. I
masturbate in front of this people. I’m out of my focus now, it is too good to do it everytime. Sticky and
wet between my hands. It feels more alive, to continue again my work. I look for a tissue on the drawer
to clean up myself but what I found are the letters I received this morning and it seems like this are
special. I get them inside the drawer and open it and start to read it to see what is was written here.

“I died today, and no one can bring a dead ones back to life… If you call this life, well, congratulations
you know you are living and living means you are doing the greatest things you wanted to do. The luxury
of life, tchh.. it is just nothing but an illusion that goes only for those people who are living in rich life
with sense of direction and completeness. But for me, I decided to leave this world because living is
killing. Killing yourself to those things that it was not meant for you. I gave up my life because people will
only use you when you have everything and left when you have nothing to give off. I know it is too late
now because I’m gone and forget me. But for those who never knew me will only remember me from the
sin I made today, in how I easily throw my life in nothing. But for you please forgive me and forget me.
Don’t try to cry over this lifeless body . This no longer the person you know, I’m nothing and nothing
means should be existing now. I always taking a long breathe for the things that keep me alive. And sorry
for the late invitation in my gatherings. I know even I did not invite you for sure you’ll come. I have so
many visitors today and they are familiar to me. They are here to blamed me for what I have done.
Please don’t lend your ears on them and don’t try to be a hero wearing cape that ready to rescue me and
defend me.

Do not start a fight in front of me, I’m fed up with everything and fights are always I see. I’m seizing the
peace I give to myself and probably this is the best gift I’ve ever presented to myself. Don’t blame me for
what for what I had done this is the only thing I can do with bravery and courage. I honor myself for
doing so, and I may consider this as Greatest Achievement but I know they would not understand this
matter because they eyes are telling and treating me nothing but as failure…”

I was little bit shocked if this a letter to be criticize or letter of saying goodbye. I tried to find the name
of the sender but I found nothing. It wasn’t indicated in the letter. I tried to look all over the letter box
but unfortunately it never gives a chance to give some clue. Tears flow suddenly in my eyes. It somehow
bring backs memory that I wanted to bury down in the deepest of my memories. It gives me of mixed
emotions. I continue to read it :

“You probably, wanted to know who am I but it made only you stubborn for finding nothing in this letter.
I just wanted to say goodbye to you my dearest friend now you at least you know now that I’m dead. You
know, you resemble the person I know and I’ve known you for a longest time I know you probably in
shock now but I’d expected that. Saying goodbyes are not good thing to do because you know something
will stop and end. Since I’m dead now, goodbyes are just a farewell to you my friend; this is my final
goodbye, like a final song to be sung in a concert or last magic act to be performed by magicians before
they’d disappear. And killing me is just like that a greatest performance I did.

You want to know how happy I am now that I’m free in all sort of misery and how my life has finally
found its purpose. I probably tell something about myself , a little story of myself.

Dear friend, I was nothing and feel nothing, it wasn’t good idea that I was born in this world. My father
was shot me inside my mom’s womb and then left me us. Papa is the first person to say goodbye to me
and went to other women to create something like me, a child with no father. I have my half siblings. I
was too young to have such kind of understanding, I hold my grudge towards him that I feel angry to him
for what he had done. I grew up in a society that family should consist of ‘Father and Mother, I love you’
but that’s a joke for me who’s mom also stand as dad for me. I feel envy and empty at the same time.
Envy to other children whose family is complete and empty for I am numbed by myself that everyone is
not there for me. I tried to be strong but building confidence is not what I built. I grew that everyone will
also say goodbyes and believe that people are most evil creature ever lived they will tell you how worthy
you are but left you out of nothing; trust issues I guess the term for this. I always left home because mom
needs to earn money to raise me and send me to school. I always watch kids outside playing and
enjoying themselves. I tried to play with them but pushed away for I am the weakest among the others.
They say I’m idiot and don’t ever play with them again so I decided to watch them on the window but
when they saw me, they will throw rocks. One day, I cannot stand in what they are doing to me so I
punch one the kids in the face .That kid’s mother went to confront me and tell why mom didn’t teach me
a good manner and that’s why father left us because he doesn’t have a son who is idiot and delinquent.
School is not good for me because when we have activities that require parents I don’t have parents to
show it somehow hurts me a lot that I’m very unfortunate to have my parents in very special occasions.

I’ve also attach my photo here. Take a look of me”

I open the envelope and I found the photo and get it. It was shocking that I never able to move my body.
I feel paralyze from my head to toe. I took a deep breath and take closer to the picture. It was a child! ‘A
child!’ I said to myself. I don’t know but I feel pity for this child, he wasn’t enjoyed his life in this world.
HE looks so skinny, pale, and his eye reflects the agony, pain, and sadness. He was looking at me as if he
was still alive. I feel pity and sorry for him, I feel like I’ve known him before and there is part inside of
me that somehow feeling burden. My heart is pounding so hard and expanding. I tried to catch up my
breath again. I stop for a while and I know I don’t know how to do it.