Worksheet - Putting it all together - Sample Essays 

Instructions: As you read these sample essays, pick out the strengths as well as the weaknesses of the essays in the
areas of Introduction, Paragraph Development and Conclusion writing.

Essay Comments

1. “It is​ increasingly ​easy for women ​today​ to ​make their mark​ on the world today.”
Do you agree?
Introduction
​ any societies in the world are built upon patriarchal fundamentals, resulting in
M Hook - General Statement -
centuries of female oppression and male dominance that have manifested as the norm. In - Recent relevant event /
these societies, women are viewed as property, assets that are sold off or sub-par species Quotation etc
to males. ​Those times are long gone now, ​in many societies. ​Today, f​emale empowerment - Contention - shown
has allowed for outstanding female individuals who had to fight seemingly insurmountable trends / traits of
obstacles to be known and recognised in the fields of politics, rights and sports in the world modern society that
today. H​owever, there are still societies in which women struggle to make their mark in the have made equality
world today and are still under oppression. ​Nonetheless, in the past century, I agree easier to achieve
strongly that it is increasingly easy for women to make their mark on the world today.

Today, some women still live in an institutionalised fraternity of patriarchal rule. This
is inevitable due to the fact that in some societies, patriarchy is part of their culture— such
as in Saudi Arabia. Women are not allowed to drive, leave the house without a male
companion, and are forcefully married off at young age. This oppression makes it
impossible for these women to be outstanding in any way, hence no progress as the
culture remains unyieldingly oppressive to women from past to present. Domestic abuse
and marital rape are still rampant, and before these cultural barriers are eliminated, there is While your essay
little chance that women in oppressed environments will have an opportunity to make their development is fluent and
mark on the world. Despite the significant lack of freedom, it must be recognised that compelling, the use of
women in Saudi Arabia have been granted suffrage in 2015. This is a huge step forward as single examples in your
women now have the ability to make a stand in politics, despite living under patriarchal rule. body paragraphs may not
While they may still be inhibited in many ways today, this is a progressive sign that will be sufficient to justify that it
hopefully allow them to make their voices heard in time to come. is increasingly easy for
women to make their mark.
Today, it is increasingly easy for women to make their mark on the world in the field The interpretation of the
of sporting excellence, which was traditionally frowned upon in many societies in the past. phrase “make their mark”
The ancient Olympics was a contest solely for men to boast of their masculinity through can also be made more
strength and skill while women took on domesticated roles to aid males in their success. specific. Direct evaluation to
Today, female athletes flood magazines covers, headlines and advertisements. In the the ease of making one’s
recent 2016 Rio Olympics, American gymnast Simone Biles received global attention. mark.
Being an African- American girl who was biologically from an alcoholic and abusive mother,
she portrayed outstanding abilities and has not lost a single competition in the last three
years. With her background, a similar character would have faced vehement prejudice in
the past in the times of white supremacy and elitism. Today, she proudly boasts of three
Olympic gold medals at 19, and covers headlines, magazines and interviews. Hence, I
agree that it is increasingly easy for women to make their mark on the world today.

In the field of politics, women are increasingly able to make their mark as well. In the
past, patriarchal rule has been the norm, and women were not to take on any roles that is
pertained to authority, education or given any opportunities in non-domestic affairs. Gender
misrepresentation in politics was seen to be completely normal. Today, ten percent of
political leaders in the world are female,
with one of the most notable being Angela Merkel, the German Chancellor as well as head
of the International Monetary Fund. In contrast, in the past, any women who attempted to
have any political opinion would be expected to face physical abuse or even be persecuted
in some native American and Asian states. Today, women are to make decisions that could
last a century and make statements of global impact. Iconic female politicians such as
Margaret Thatcher the Iron Lady, former prime minister of the United Kingdom, have made
controversial commentary on global affairs that shocked the world into deep thinking, such
as her discourse on family. Nonetheless, there still exist difficulties that women in politics
face, such as Aung San Suu Kyi, who was placed under house arrest for leading the
opposition party in Myanmar. Despite these obstacles, women today are indisputably
allowed to make a significant mark on the world.

It is increasingly easy for women to make their mark on the world today because ​our
“foremothers” have fought hard for our rights to do so, without which it would be a steeper
and more rocky hill to climb. An iconic modern example would be Malala, who at the age of
seventeen, had won a Nobel Peace Prize, gotten abused, physically abused and faced
multiple death threats for secretly writing articles under a pen name to show the
significance of female oppression in the Middle East. She appealed to the world through
writing articles under a pen name that were published through well-known news and journal
channels, to appeal to the world that young, oppressed females like herself deserve to be
treated like a human, deserving of rights, education and freedom. When her writings
started garnering media attention, she was forcefully threatened with death, abuse and
other penalties. Nonetheless, she successfully made her mark on the road with her
courage and resilience, and the movie “I Am Malala’ is currently being made in honour of
her. In the past, she would not have been able to survive the consequences of her actions.
Today, she is now a role model for many younger generations of females. In the past, any
 such uproar caused by a female attempting to break the institutionalised fraternity would be
subject to being burnt at the stake of “honour killing”, tortured to death, or raped as a
punishment. Hence, though with significant difficulty, it is becoming increasingly easy for
women to make their mark on the world today.

Women are agents of compelling volition, and that stands true from centuries ago till TS is present - rephrase for
today. Having to face immense amounts of misogyny and arrogance stemming from clarity - courage of the
patriarchal roots of society, transcending from their passive, domestic roles is easy feat. In previous generations
traditionally patriarchal societies that follow non-secular judicial governance, it is almost Elaboration is weak -
impossible for women to make their mark. However, after centuries of female rights consider reasons why this is
movement, women have gained legal ability to work, marry and reproduce at their own will, so? Captured the attention
which is progress from traditionally patriarchal societies that had no tolerance of any such of the world? Exposed the
actions. Today, women are standing on the shoulders of their foremothers, reaching plight of women?
greater heights in fields of sporting excellence, politics and many more. Progress drives
more progress. Hence, I agree that it is, and will be, increasingly easy for women to make
their mark on the world today.

Essay Comments
2. Is it really possible for your society to achieve inclusiveness? Evaluation can afford to go
beyond the surface to fully
The term ‘Rojak’, a dish consisting of various kinds of fruits and ingredients has long address the presence of the
been used to encapsulate the vast diversity of Singapore. Apart from being divided along word “really” in the question.
ethnic or cultural lines, Singapore also possesses an ageing population, significant foreign Examples are wide- ranging
labour workforce and a community of individuals with alternative sexual orientation. While I and relevant though.
acknowledge that the traditional and conservative mindsets of Singaporeans have denied
inclusion of the lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community into our society,
I agree wholeheartedly that the integration of senior citizens, disabled individuals, minority
races and foreign workers are realistically possible. This is largely due to the commitment
of government and the community in pumping in time, effort and resources to assimilate
and integrate the above mentioned groups of people into the Singaporean society.

Undeniably, the conservative mindsets of Singaporeans make it highly impractical to

wholly accept the LGBT community in Singapore. The majority of Singaporeans remain
traditional in the aspect of relationships, where the beliefs that marriage ought to be
heterosexual in nature are firmly rooted in their minds. In a poll conducted by The Straits
Times, a considerably large percentage of 77% of Singaporeans find same sex marriage
unacceptable. To put it bluntly, many of them find it unlawful. Notably, the majority if the
people who stand up against homosexual relationships are people above the age of 45,
signalling the extent of conservatism that exists in the middle-aged and senior population.
This goes to show that the complete integration of homosexuals in society may not be
possible or practical, given that such lifestyle is unacceptable on both traditional and
religious terms.
 However, we witness a sincere engagement with other groups of individuals and the
successful inclusion of them into the Singaporean society. One prime group would be the
senior citizens, who face the concern of being a “burden” to society given their seeming
inability to contribute to the society after retirement. In order to reinforce the sense of
belonging that senior citizens ought to have ad alleviate their insecurities or fears of being
“forgotten”, the government has created the Pioneer Generation status. This status
conveys the appreciation and gratitude that the younger generation and middle-aged group
feel towards the hard work contributed by the senior citizens for building the nation. On an
emotional level, this status recognises the importance of the elderly in our society, thus
ensuring that they would not feel neglected upon reaching old age. In addition, financial
benefits such as healthcare subsidies and monetary grants to ease their financial burden
will make their expenditure significantly lower. Overall, the Pioneer Generation status
granted to senior citizens ensure that they are being cared for emotionally, physically and
financially, thus making sure that their concerns in old age is thoroughly taken care of by
the Singaporean society.

In the same vein of thought, recent efforts to enhance the assimilation of foreign
workers into our society prove the immense possibility of engendering a sense of belonging
towards the nation in them. Years ago in the 2012 National Day Rally, Prime Minister Lee
Hsien Loong highlighted the issue of the ‘Us Versus Them’ divide between locals and
foreign workers, However, given the concrete efforts made not just by the government but
also social welfare organisations to take care of the needs of foreigners and forge a
relationship between locals and foreigners, this divide is gradually disappearing. This can
be illustrated by the building of recreational centres, such as the Terusan Recreational
Centre in Jurong, which offer foreign workers a space to engage in sports activities or enjoy
facilities. In essence, it represents the recognition towards foreign workers by the
government and demonstrates how we see them as members of our own community who
deserve leisure hours and avenues for play and relaxation. Foreign workers are less likely
to be perceived as mere tools for our economically-driven nation. In addition, we witness a
genuine forging of relationships between locals and foreigners during the May Day
celebrations where local primary and secondary school students delivered “Thank You’
cards to construction workers. The devotion of time and effort by the students managed to
engender a sense of warmth towards these foreign workers, undoubtedly imbuing a sense
of belonging that they have towards the nation and a connection they feel with the locals. In
view of the concrete efforts by the government and community in assimilating foreign
workers into our society, I believe that it is indeed possible for us to achieve inclusiveness.

Last but not least, Singapore has managed to establish itself as a multicultural nation
that has successfully integrated the minority races into the society. Since our attainment of
independence in 1965, the government has gone a long way to not only quell the concerns
of minority races but also ensure that the assimilation of them into the Chinese-dominated
society. A prime example to illustrate this would be the establishment of the Malay
language as the national language. This ensures that the minority Malay group
understands that they are an inherent part of Singapore, despite them being a minority
races. In addition, the welfare of minority races are made sure to be take off, evident from
the presence of Malay and Indian ministers in the government. During periods of ethnic
tension or when race becomes a sensitive issue, communities from the minority race would
be able to convey their concerns to the government via ministers of their own race. This
was demonstrated by how Muslim religious leaders conducted a closed-door dialogue with
Minister Ibrahim to discuss about radicalisation associated with Islam. By ensuring a fair
representation and the inclusion of minority races in the government, the interests and
 concerns would be voiced and attended to, thus preventing the marginalisation of such
groups. To top them all, PM Lee Hsien Loong has also highlighted the need for a minority
race president from time to time in the 2016 National Day Rally. This goes to show the
large emphasis placed on being inclusive of minority races in Singapore.

In conclusion, attaining the title of an ‘inclusive society’ is indeed a reachable feat

that an extensively diverse country like Singapore can achieve. Despite the exclusion of the
LGBT community by the older generation, it is evident that the younger generation has
exhibited acceptance and respect towards such individuals, evidenced by the increasing
popularity of the Pink Dot event which celebrates the ‘Freedom to Love’. Coupled with the
extensive and elaborate efforts by the government and community to fully integrate senior
citizens, foreign workers, and minority races into the larger community, I wholeheartedly
believe that Singapore is on a steady track towards being a genuinely inclusive society.
This is epitomised in the vision of the nation ‘One people, One nation, One Singapore’.

Essay Comments

3. Is it really possible for your society to achieve inclusiveness? It is a pity that you did not
devote sufficient time to
While Singapore prides itself on being a multicultural society that accepts people in writing a more impactful
spite of their differences, the truth may be more complex. Achieving inclusiveness is a tall conclusion. Your essay shows
order; to be a truly inclusive society, members of society must feel that their voices are that you have a good
heard, that their needs are taken into account, and that they are not left out. Ultimately, understanding of the issues
people must feel a sense of belonging. While there have been governmental efforts to we face in our society with
make Singapore a more inclusive society, policies alone are not enough. The mindsets and regard to the inclusion of
actions of individuals in Singapore also play a part in making sure everyone feels a sense diverse groups of people and
of belonging in Singapore. While inclusiveness is a difficult goal to achieve, and is a goal you carefully evaluated the
we have yet to achieve, Singapore seems to be taking steps in the right direction. There is different measures which
thus a possibility that no one, regardless of race, disability, sexual orientation or nationality, have been taken to rectify
will feel left out in Singapore. problems as well as to
improve/make the existing
Racial inclusiveness and harmony is perhaps the most prevalent form of problems worse. There’s
inclusiveness in Singapore; its importance is even inscribed in the Singapore Constitution. great potential to make this an
On a policy level, there have been numerous policies to promote racial inclusivity. On a even better piece of work.
personal level, housing estates have a racial quota which reflects the demographic,
ensuring that Singaporeans have neighbours of different races. On a political level, the
Group Representative Constituency (GRC) system was introduced to ensure that
candidates of minority races get voted into Parliament to have their voices heard. While
such policies have moved Singapore beyond the racial intolerance of the past, evidenced
by racial riots in the 1960s, the mindsets of some Singaporeans are not as progressive. In
a survey of 2000 Singaporeans conducted by the Institute of Policy Studies (IPS), majority
of Singaporeans indicated that they would prefer the President or Prime Minister to be
someone of their race. The same survey also found that six in ten Singaporeans have
heard a racist comment directed at them before. These findings indicate that there are still
racial biases in Singapore. On a personal level, this may translate to people feeling left out
or ostracised. On a political level, this may translate to an under-representation of minority
races in Parliament. However, there have been trends which indicate that Singapore is
moving towards inclusiveness. The same survey by IPS found that young people were
more likely to be accepting of racial differences. These perceptions have translated to
actual action as well. In the Bukit Batok by-election, an Indian candidate, Mr Murali, beat Dr
Chee, a Chinese candidate. This indicates that most Singaporeans are willing to have all
voices heard, which is an encouraging trend.
 However, there is a long way to go to achieve other forms of inclusiveness. For
people with disabilities, inclusiveness seems to be a distant goal with challenges like
misconceptions in the way. In a survey conducted by the Institute of Mental Health (IMH),
many Singaporeans were found to have misconceptions about mental health. Many
surveyed felt that people with mental disorders “could get better if they wanted to”. Such
sentiments show a disregard for and misunderstanding of mental illness. With such
misconceptions surrounding their illness, it is difficult for those with mental illness to feel as
if their voices were heard. However, it is possible for mindsets to change. Currently,
students with disabilities are separated from other students, attending specialist schools
like Pathlight School. While such schools have their benefits, it is also worthwhile to
consider the integration of students with disabilities into mainstream schools. Coupled with
greater discourse about the issue of disabilities, there is a greater chance that people with
disabilities will not feel left out. Given that there has been a greater focus on people with
disabilities recently, with the issue of disabilities brought up by Nominated Members of
Parliament and Member of Parliament Denise Phua, achieving inclusiveness for people
with disabilities is certainly a possibility.

Unfortunately, direct opposition exists for other forms of inclusiveness. PinkDot, an

annual movement to support the rights of the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender
(LGBT) community, has gained traction over the years but has also met with opposition. On
a policy level, PinkDot is not allowed to be held anywhere other than Hong Lim Park, since
it is considered a protest. On a communal level, there has been another campaign, the
Wear White campaign, which directly opposes the PinkDot movement. Clearly, we have
not achieved inclusiveness for the LGBT community. Since the voicing of their voices is
considered a ‘protest’, they are clearly left out of society with regard to their opinion. It is
likely very difficult to feel a sense of belonging when there is a movement which exists only
to oppose one’s own movement. Despite the opposition to PinkDot, there have been signs
of progress in terms of inclusiveness of the LGBT community. The topic of the LGBT
community has been discussed more often as compared to the past, which shows that the
issue is becoming less taboo. This is an encouraging sign, hence discourse is often the first
step to change. While there is a clearly long way to go achieving inclusiveness for the
LGBT community, achieving this inclusiveness remains a possibility given the increase in
discourse surrounding the issue.

Ultimately, inclusiveness in Singapore is not only about Singaporeans. Singapore

society is diverse, and includes a large number of migrant workers. Since these migrant
workers also contribute to Singapore society, their voices should be heard, and their needs
should be taken care of as well. The issues concerning migrant workers remain
contentious. In 2011, there was significant public backlash against Population White Paper,
which had plans to increase Singapore’s population to 6.9 million. This backlash indicates
that many Singaporeans are against the idea of having migrant workers, and do not view
them as part of our society. This, coupled with policies which house migrant workers in
dormitories in secluded areas, creates a divide between Singaporeans and migrant
workers. With such segregation, migrant workers are unlikely to feel as though they are
part of Singapore society, much less as though their voices can be heard. While this is
unfortunate, there have been encouraging trends. Recently, there has been a greater
interest in migrant workers and protecting their rights. A photo of a typical meal of a migrant
worker went viral in early 2016, which resulted in outrage from many Singaporeans. Most
Singaporeans felt that the food was not nutritious, and migrant workers should get better
food. This response from the community indicates that there are people who view migrant
workers as part of Singapore society and feel that the needs of migrant workers should be
taken care of. This concern about migrant workers is encouraging, and is a step towards
inclusiveness.

While inclusiveness has not been achieved in Singapore, it is possible for Singapore
to achieve inclusiveness. There have been encouraging signs of steps
taken in the right direction, which indicate our society is progressing towards accepting
people.