ALTERNATIVE EMOTIONS DITI MODI

L.Y. B.TECH COMPUTER A

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“I am worried, tell me, am I flickering more than the wavering human emotions these days? Or as
the humans say, is this just a sombre presage of an approaching trouble? ”, sighed the fluttering
light bulb.

The steady table fan replied gently,”You have nothing but the terrible disease called-Being
Human…Hahaha ”, slowly turning into a roar.

“But…”

As Kimayra penned down these thoughts in her not so huge diary, her father called out from the
bedroom door. “Kimayra, it’s time for bed. What are you looking at, from the window?”.
Approaching her to get her to bed from the window side.

“Nothing dad. I was just wondering about what would the bulb and fan, at uncle Shyamrao’s
cottage, think seeing us humans.”

“Uh…what? Why did you think of that ”, amazed he asked.

“Today one of my close friend at college broke up with his girlfriend over a row. He was intensely
aggrieved and was bad-mouthing about the same girl he claims to love since last 3 months. Also,
one of my other friend, yesterday, mentioned about her indecisiveness regarding what should she
pursue ahead in her career. I,too, am experiencing a kind of unusual sense of ennui at one moment
and at other, sudden surge of energy. So I was thinking about the wavering emotions we all
experience in daily life.” Hearing every word intently and patiently, her dad was quite startled while
also trying to grasp it all in.

Realizing that this conversation would continue bit longer, he settled on bed with her.

“Dad, why is it that at a moment we experience anger while fighting with best friend and suddenly
it turns to fierce argument and then to indifference after sometime? ”,inquisitive Kimayra asked.

She further cotinued,“I always see this disingenuous smiles that everyone of us puts on each day
dragging ourselves out of bed and pretending that everything is good and okay. Is it because of
following ‘Fake it till you make it’ or mere ignorance of reality?”

Nonchalantly he replied, “Kim, first of all I am glad that you are thinking about your friend’s
feelings, your own emotions and accepting the fact that something is not okay inside you. This, my
little daughter, is the first step to recognising that something has to be changed. Proud of you, Kim.
So to answer this question of yours, first you answer my question. Does being this way lead you to
a better feeling in any way or make you feel better- this hiding of enervation and angst inside you ?
Or does it just keep on escalating each day while you try to implement ‘Fake it till you Make it’ ?”

“Ofcourse, escalates, Dad. The only constant that I notice are the staggering emotions and
decisions..”, disgusted by now, she replied.
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“Well, now I think you are ready to change for sure. Now that you are atleast aware of your
uneasiness, are you ready to openly talk about it? ”

“Scrolling through Facebook feed and The Scribbled Stories quotes relentlessly, I try to find an
expression to these feelings, I thus try to find some sense of relatedess and connection, seeking a
satisfaction as to yes, someone else feels me too. It feels that if everyone is feeling it then it’s quite
normal so let the status quo be. My friends also feel the same way, even they relate to those
microtales, quotes, stories of hurt, insomnia and after-breakup feelings. On one side we talk about
speaking out, sharing our emotions, thoughts with our close friends but on the other we become
“too needy” or “too emotional” as soon as we express our deep emotions to them. So ,Dad, is
bottling up our emotion a true sign of strength or the other way round?”

Smirking a tad, he answered,“You tell me, do you feel happy, energetic playing basketball outside
in the open court or are you happy staying at home enclosed in four walls everyday? ”
“Outside, playing with all freedom ofcourse. Why? How is it related?”,queried Kimayra.

“Right, so same goes for your emotions. Isn’t it ironical that we guard ourselves with the falls of
fear, hurt and detachment just to feel free from our emotions temporarily? If you bottle up your
emotions about resentment, boredom and seemingly meaninglessness in our lives and try to forget
and ignore them then how would you ever realize that something is wrong in the first place.
Wouldn’t it weaken you inside all the more if you just try to block yourselves from the truth? ”

Thinking deeply for a while she replied,”Oh yes, all of us joke around about detachment and ‘sab
moh maya hai’ talks but in reality it is just the opposite that we follow”, smirked Kimayra,” We
always trace back to our good childhood days. Those days were merrier and happier, weren’t they,
Dad? Atleast those memories help beat the monotony and dullness in our lives today. The everyday
small talks, sarcasms and specious laughter all around makes me feel devoid of that true fun of
childhood. Deep down it all feels lonely ,though, we are surrounded by so many people.”

“You are experiencing nothing but passivity of living life. All the confusion, chaos, angst inside you
is a result of all the different types of thoughts inside you, isn’t it? Someone tells you that it is
alright and normal to feel the way you feel right now because everyone around you feels the same.
On the other, there is another feeling inside you saying that it is too uncomfortable to stay like this
all your life. You feel like a caged bird,isn’t it?”

“Precisely, Dad!”, startled Kimayra,”But what should I so Dad? I even googled the answer
searching ‘Ways to feel happy in life’, but the answers somehow just don’t feel relatable enough or
practical enough. It just gives out answers saying quotes to live by as to ‘Be the Change you wish to
see in the world’. It all again boils down to nothingness.”,murmured downhearted Kimayra.

“Hahaha!,”her dad burst out in laughter.”My little darling, how would Google have answers to what
you feel and do in life? Who do you think would have the key to what YOU feel like?”, stressing on
the word ‘YOU’.

“I don’t know. You make me feel happy. Mom, my friends, all make me feel happy.”
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“And what about the times when you have a fight or arguement with me or your mom or your
friends? Then who would?”

Listening so, Kimayra began pondering. She couldn’t find an answer. Looking at her muddled face,
her dad said,”Well, aren’t you, yourself, not responsible for what you think, feel and act? Just close
your eyes for once, and sit relaxed here.” Tapping his left shoulder, he indicated and let her head
rest warmly there.

“Don’t sleep. Just slowly start noticing the thoughts that you think of, right now. Let them flow.
Don’t try to stop them. Don’t speak. Just observe steadily.”

After a minute or two, he gently asked her,”Now open your eyes and say what did you feel and
think about?”

Slowly opening her eyes, she faced him and replied in amazement,”Dad, initially it was all just
chaotic and like horses racing around...about..about..all the questions, answers, feelings and friends
and what not....like a chain, just, thoughts, scrambling to be noticed. Later when I notice them and
try to catch them, it all disappears! Like a ghost, thoughts escaped to be found nowhere. They were
all gone! How did that happen? All this time I just wanted that them all to go away. And they did
but for few moments.”

Smiling he said,“ Yes, my dear! That’s the fun of it. You become aware of thoughts and Poof! They
are gone! We are operating on auto-pilot mode all the time. The moment you notice it, it is gone. So
do you realize that you yourself stopped it? By doing what? Nothing. By doing nothing! Just simply
being aware of it. That’s it!”

Still doubtful about how she herself could stop the thoughts so easily, Kimayra looked dubious.
She still continued eagerly,“So how do I make it permanent Dad? Please tell me.”.

Analyzing her hesitant yet curious face, her dad said,“Well, you are on your way to make it
permanent. For now, just stay and experiment with this fact all day long tomorrow or maybe a
week. Don’t accept what I say. Just practice it for sometime and check if it really works or not all
the time. Till the time you aren’t satisfied experimenting, keep following and let me know the
results.”

“No dad, I want the answer. I won’t sleep.”, dejected Kimayra announced.

In a slightly louder tone now, he remarked,“Kimayra, this is not done. What you can do is note
down all the differences in your diary and later we will surely catch up on it when you deeply and
truly get a satisfying answer to the question ’Who is responsible for your emotions in reality?’ So
now I have given you something interesting to find out. Keep exploring and checking what works
and what doesn’t for you in your life, and not just listen to what anyone else says. I don’t want to
preach you about anything. You have to find out answers yourself otherwise you wouldn’t know the
true answer that really makes you happy.”
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Getting up from the bed, he slid her into the blanket,”Come on now, it’s late already. Good night.
Love you ,sweetheart.”, kissing her forehead, with twinkling eyes and mild smile, he quietly lit off
the lamp and walked out of the room.