“I AM MY POSITION” and the “ENEMY IS OUT THERE”

On our younger days, we dream. We lie on a yellow-checkered blanket with weeds all around us. The
dandelions carry our wishes, higher, higher, until they’ll become unified with the clouds we watch.
Sometimes, we will look for animals, trees nor ice cream cones crafted on the sky. The world is full of
beautiful things, we say, until we choose to bury ourselves so deep between STAYING and POINTING.

I remember I did a lot of mistakes. I just didn’t know how to stop. It’s like my life had been on
autopilot for too long. I swear, I did want to be helped. I just didn’t know how to ask for it, or maybe, I was
afraid that I was beyond any kind of help. Until then, I taught to myself that I can never be whole again but
just a fading image on those yellowed-pages, a silhouette of who I once was. I clearly remembered an Emily
Dickinson poem written in black words against my wall:

If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain;

If I can ease one life the aching,

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live I vain.

But I had, hadn’t I? I had lived in vain. There is nothing to do, even closing my eyes didn’t make
much of a difference at all. It wasn’t my fault. It started on that last moment when I was happy, it was my
last good day and it takes so long to sort through the other memories, the unhappy ones, the empty ones,
and the shattered ones, that it’s easy to understand why sometimes I just don’t feel that I exist. Every single
day, it was just the long silence that bounced-off the walls of our house. It fills the corners, the rooms,
closets and the shadows. It was suffocating, it magnified everything.

Once upon a time, I had loved that my mother would go to school to teach the students. It was like
a fairy tale that came true to her. Besides, when mom wasn’t home, dad will always play with us, not
minding the spilled milk on the couch, the dirty kitchen nor even skipping brushing our teeth. But then,
when dad got his work too. I had learned to be lonely and by that very moment, a gap grew and grew until
it swallowed me whole- it is as if my whole world has collapsed around me. It feels the same old thing, I
got hurt, I cried, I was left alone, yet no one apologized. I guess, things weren’t just that simple. It was like
merely the first law of motion Einstein proposed, that is, a body at rest will remain at rest, and a body in
motion will remain in motion with a constant velocity, unless acted upon by a force. The objects at rest.
Standing and watching. Watching and standing.

But I was wrong. I am just escaping my grief by endlessly running onto something I thought was
the right path, little did I know, I was just staying on that position that I’m the child and that every miserable
thing that has happened on my life was my parent’s fault because I am their responsibility. Well, you can
curse me, slap me, spit on me but it’s for the main reason that you can have someone in front of you telling
that they love you. You’ll hear it…but that voice in your head is there, telling you “NO”, they don’t, no one
does because they will always leave in the end. It kills but it always win. This is naturally part of our human
life but, staying like this will kill your soul, it can never really heal your pain. To do that would take
something truly extraordinary…and which can be seen only in ourselves.