Mean Tiger

A Screenplay by Jane Doe

INT. QUALITY CAFE, LOS ANGELES - AFTERNOON

Sweet mechanic MASTER PHILLIP GREENWAY is

arguing with admirable gardener DCI SUSAN
NOLAN. PHILLIP tries to hug SUSAN but she shakes
him off.

PHILLIP
Please Susan, don't leave me.
SUSAN
I'm sorry Phillip, but I'm looking for somebody a
bit more brave. Somebody who faces his fears
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head on, instead of running away.
PHILLIP
I am such a person!
SUSAN frowns.

SUSAN
I'm sorry, Phillip. I just don't feel excited by this
relationship anymore.
SUSAN leaves.

PHILLIP sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, virtuous scout DCI ANNIE

SLAUGHTERHOUSE barges in looking flustered.

PHILLIP
Goodness, Annie! Is everything okay?
ANNIE

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I'm afraid not.
PHILLIP
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
ANNIE
It's ... a tiger ... I saw an evil tiger kill a bunch of
elderly ladies!
PHILLIP
Defenseless elderly ladies?
ANNIE
Yes, defenseless elderly ladies!
PHILLIP
Bloomin' heck, Annie! We've got to do something.
ANNIE
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
PHILLIP
You can start by telling me where this happened.
ANNIE
I was...
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ANNIE fans herself and begins to wheeze.

PHILLIP
Focus Annie, focus! Where did it happen?
ANNIE
A Library! That's right - A Library!
PHILLIP springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

PHILLIP rushes along the street, followed by

ANNIE. They take a short cut through some back
gardens, jumping fences along the way.

INT. A LIBRARY - SHORTLY AFTER

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ANNIE WILLIAMS a mean tiger terrorises two
elderly ladies.

PHILLIP, closely followed by ANNIE, rushes

towards ANNIE, but suddenly stops in his tracks.

ANNIE
What is is? What's the matter?
PHILLIP
That's not just any old tiger, that's Annie Williams!
ANNIE
Who's Annie Williams?
PHILLIP
Who's Annie Williams? Who's Annie Williams?
Only the most mean tiger in the universe!
ANNIE
Blinkin' knickers, Phillip! We're going to need
some help if we're going to stop the most mean
tiger in the universe!
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PHILLIP
You can say that again.
ANNIE
Blinkin' knickers, Phillip! We're going to need
some help if we're going to stop the most mean
tiger in the universe!
PHILLIP
I'm going to need knives, lots of knives.
Annie turns and sees Phillip and Annie. She grins
an evil grin.

ANNIE
Phillip Greenway, we meet again.
ANNIE
You've met?
PHILLIP
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

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EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young PHILLIP is sitting in a park listening to

some flute music, when suddenly a dark shadow
casts over him.

He looks up and sees ANNIE. He takes off his

headphones.

ANNIE
Would you like some peppermints?
PHILLIP's eyes light up, but then he studies ANNIE
more closely, and looks uneasy.

PHILLIP
I don't know, you look kind of mean.
ANNIE
Me? No. I'm not mean. I'm the least mean tiger in
the world.
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PHILLIP
Wait, you're a tiger?
PHILLIP runs away, screaming.

INT. A LIBRARY - PRESENT DAY

ANNIE
You were a coward then, and you are a coward
now.
ANNIE
(To PHILLIP) You ran away?
PHILLIP
(To ANNIE) I was a young child. What was I
supposed to do?
PHILLIP turns to ANNIE.

PHILLIP

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I may have run away from you then, but I won't
run away this time!
PHILLIP runs away.

He turns back and shouts.

PHILLIP
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with
knives.
ANNIE
I'm not scared of you.
PHILLIP
You should be.

EXT. CENTRAL PARK, NEW YORK - LATER THAT DAY

PHILLIP and ANNIE walk around searching for

something.

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PHILLIP
I feel sure I left my knives somewhere around
here.
ANNIE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to
keep deadly knives.
PHILLIP
You know nothing Annie Slaughterhouse.
ANNIE
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think
they're here.
Suddenly, ANNIE appears, holding a pair of knives.

ANNIE
Looking for something?
ANNIE
Crikey, Phillip, she's got your knives.

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PHILLIP
Tell me something I don't already know!
ANNIE
The earth's circumference at the equator is about
40,075 km.
PHILLIP
I know that already!
ANNIE
I pick my nose and eat it.
ANNIE
(appalled) Dude!
While ANNIE is looking at ANNIE with disgust,
PHILLIP lunges forward and grabs his deadly
knives. He wields them, triumphantly.

PHILLIP
Prepare to die, you mean turnip!
ANNIE

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No please! All I did was kill a bunch of elderly
ladies!
SUSAN enters, unseen by any of the others.

PHILLIP
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those
elderly ladies were defenceless! Well now they
have a defender - and that's me! Phillip Greenway
defender of innocent elderly ladies.
ANNIE
Don't hurt me! Please!
PHILLIP
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use
these knives on you right away!
ANNIE
Because Phillip, I am your mother.
PHILLIP looks stunned for a few moments, but
then collects himself.

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PHILLIP
No you're not!
ANNIE
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.
ANNIE tries to grab the knives but PHILLIP dodges
out of the way.

PHILLIP
Who's the mummy now? Huh? Huh?
Unexpectedly, ANNIE slumps to the ground.

ANNIE
Did she just faint?
PHILLIP
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather
hoping for a more dramatic conclusion, involving
my deadly knives.
PHILLIP crouches over ANNIE's body.

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ANNIE
Be careful, Phillip. It could be a trick.
PHILLIP
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would
seem... Annie Williams is dead!
PHILLIP
What?
PHILLIP
Yes, it appears that I scared her to death.
ANNIE claps her hands.

ANNIE
So your knives did save the day, after all.
SUSAN steps forward.

SUSAN
Is it true? Did you kill the mean tiger?
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PHILLIP
Susan how long have you been...?
SUSAN puts her arm around PHILLIP.

SUSAN
Long enough.
PHILLIP
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Annie
Williams.
SUSAN
Then the elderly ladies are safe?
PHILLIP
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable elderly ladies enter, looking
relived.

SUSAN
You are their hero.

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The elderly ladies bow to PHILLIP.

PHILLIP
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship.
The knowledge that Annie Williams will never kill
elderly ladies ever again, is enough for me.
SUSAN
You are humble as well as brave!
One of the elderly ladies passes PHILLIP a healing
bell

SUSAN
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of
their gratitude.
PHILLIP
I couldn't possibly.
Pause.

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PHILLIP
Well, if you insist.
PHILLIP takes the bell.

PHILLIP
Thank you.
The elderly ladies bow their heads once more, and
leave.

PHILLIP turns to SUSAN.

PHILLIP
Does this mean you want me back?
SUSAN
Oh, Phillip, of course I want you back!
PHILLIP smiles for a few seconds, but then looks
defiant.

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PHILLIP
Well you can't have me.
SUSAN
WHAT?
PHILLIP
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a
tiger to death before you would believe in me. I
don't want a lover like that.
SUSAN
But...
PHILLIP
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one
person who stayed with me through thick and
thin - my best friend, Annie.
ANNIE grins.

SUSAN
But...

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ANNIE
You heard the gentleman. Now be off with you.
Skidaddle! Shoo!
SUSAN
Phillip?
PHILLIP
I'm sorry Susan, but I think you should skidaddle.
SUSAN leaves.

ANNIE turns to PHILLIP.

ANNIE
Did you mean that? You know ... that I'm your best
friend?
PHILLIP
Of course you are!
The two walk off arm in arm.

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Suddenly ANNIE stops.

ANNIE
When I said I pick my nose and eat it, you know I
was just trying to distract the tiger don't you?
THE END

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