Controlling Cow

A Screenplay by Jane Doe

INT. NATIONAL HISTORY MUSEUM, LONDON - AFTERNOON

Grateful painter LADY KIMBERLY OLSSON is arguing with witty

hairdresser DI JENNA COCKLE. KIMBERLY tries to hug JENNA
but she shakes her off.

KIMBERLY
Please Jenna, don't leave me.
JENNA
I'm sorry Kimberly, but I'm looking for somebody a bit more
brave. Somebody who faces her fears head on, instead of
running away.
KIMBERLY
I am such a person!

JENNA frowns.

JENNA
I'm sorry, Kimberly. I just don't feel excited by this relationship
anymore.

JENNA leaves.

KIMBERLY sits down, looking defeated.

Moments later, friendly gardener DR NADINE JONES barges in

looking flustered.

KIMBERLY
Goodness, Nadine! Is everything okay?
NADINE
I'm afraid not.
KIMBERLY
What is it? Don't keep me in suspense...
NADINE
It's ... a cow ... I saw an evil cow attack a bunch of children!
KIMBERLY
Defenseless children?
NADINE
Yes, defenseless children!
KIMBERLY
Bloomin' heck, Nadine! We've got to do something.
 NADINE
I agree, but I wouldn't know where to start.
KIMBERLY
You can start by telling me where this happened.
NADINE
I was...

NADINE fans herself and begins to wheeze.

KIMBERLY
Focus Nadine, focus! Where did it happen?
NADINE
St Michael's Mount, Cornwall! That's right - St Michael's Mount,
Cornwall!

KIMBERLY springs up and begins to run.

EXT. A ROAD - CONTINUOUS

KIMBERLY rushes along the street, followed by NADINE. They

take a short cut through some back gardens, jumping fences
along the way.

EXT. ST MICHAEL'S MOUNT, CORNWALL - SHORTLY AFTER

PHILLIP BISHOP a controlling cow terrorises two children.

KIMBERLY, closely followed by NADINE, rushes towards

PHILLIP, but suddenly stops in her tracks.

NADINE
What is is? What's the matter?
KIMBERLY
That's not just any old cow, that's Phillip Bishop!
NADINE
Who's Phillip Bishop?
KIMBERLY
Who's Phillip Bishop? Who's Phillip Bishop? Only the most
controlling cow in the universe!
NADINE
Blinkin' knickers, Kimberly! We're going to need some help if
we're going to stop the most controlling cow in the universe!
 KIMBERLY
You can say that again.
NADINE
Blinkin' knickers, Kimberly! We're going to need some help if
we're going to stop the most controlling cow in the universe!
KIMBERLY
I'm going to need blades, lots of blades.

Phillip turns and sees Kimberly and Nadine. He grins an evil

grin.

PHILLIP
Kimberly Olsson, we meet again.
NADINE
You've met?
KIMBERLY
Yes. It was a long, long time ago...

EXT. A PARK - BACK IN TIME

A young KIMBERLY is sitting in a park listening to some flute

music, when suddenly a dark shadow casts over her.

She looks up and sees PHILLIP. She takes off her headphones.

PHILLIP
Would you like some toffees?

KIMBERLY's eyes light up, but then he studies PHILLIP more

closely, and looks uneasy.

KIMBERLY
I don't know, you look kind of controlling.
PHILLIP
Me? No. I'm not controlling. I'm the least controlling cow in the
world.
KIMBERLY
Wait, you're a cow?

KIMBERLY runs away, screaming.

EXT. ST MICHAEL'S MOUNT, CORNWALL - PRESENT DAY

 PHILLIP
You were a coward then, and you are a coward now.
NADINE
(To KIMBERLY) You ran away?
KIMBERLY
(To NADINE) I was a young child. What was I supposed to do?

KIMBERLY turns to PHILLIP.

KIMBERLY
I may have run away from you then, but I won't run away this
time!

KIMBERLY runs away.

She turns back and shouts.

KIMBERLY
I mean, I am running away, but I'll be back - with blades.
PHILLIP
I'm not scared of you.
KIMBERLY
You should be.

INT. HATFIELD HOUSE, ENGLAND - LATER THAT DAY

KIMBERLY and NADINE walk around searching for something.

KIMBERLY
I feel sure I left my blades somewhere around here.
NADINE
Are you sure? It does seem like an odd place to keep deadly
blades.
KIMBERLY
You know nothing Nadine Jones.
NADINE
We've been searching for ages. I really don't think they're here.

Suddenly, PHILLIP appears, holding a pair of blades.

PHILLIP
Looking for something?
NADINE
Crikey, Kimberly, he's got your blades.
 KIMBERLY
Tell me something I don't already know!
NADINE
The earth's circumference at the equator is about 40,075 km.
KIMBERLY
I know that already!
NADINE
I still wear nappies.
PHILLIP
(appalled) Dude!

While PHILLIP is looking at NADINE with disgust, KIMBERLY

lunges forward and grabs her deadly blades. He wields them,
triumphantly.

KIMBERLY
Prepare to die, you controlling aubergine!
PHILLIP
No please! All I did was attack a bunch of children!

JENNA enters, unseen by any of the others.

KIMBERLY
I cannot tolerate that kind of behaviour! Those children were
defenceless! Well now they have a defender - and that's me!
Kimberly Olsson defender of innocent children.
PHILLIP
Don't hurt me! Please!
KIMBERLY
Give me one good reason why I shouldn't use these blades on
you right away!
PHILLIP
Because Kimberly, I am your father.

KIMBERLY looks stunned for a few moments, but then collects

herself.

KIMBERLY
No you're not!
PHILLIP
Ah well, it had to be worth a try.

PHILLIP tries to grab the blades but KIMBERLY dodges out of

the way.
 KIMBERLY
Who's the daddy now? Huh? Huh?

Unexpectedly, PHILLIP slumps to the ground.

NADINE
Did he just faint?
KIMBERLY
I think so. Well that's disappointing. I was rather hoping for a
more dramatic conclusion, involving my deadly blades.

KIMBERLY crouches over PHILLIP's body.

NADINE
Be careful, Kimberly. It could be a trick.
KIMBERLY
No, it's not a trick. It appears that... It would seem... Phillip
Bishop is dead!
KIMBERLY
What?
KIMBERLY
Yes, it appears that I scared him to death.

NADINE claps her hands.

NADINE
So your blades did save the day, after all.

JENNA steps forward.

JENNA
Is it true? Did you kill the controlling cow?
KIMBERLY
Jenna how long have you been...?

JENNA puts her arm around KIMBERLY.

JENNA
Long enough.
KIMBERLY
Then you saw it for yourself. I killed Phillip Bishop.
JENNA
Then the children are safe?
KIMBERLY
It does seem that way!
A crowd of vulnerable children enter, looking relived.

JENNA
You are their hero.

The children bow to KIMBERLY.

KIMBERLY
There is no need to bow to me. I seek no worship. The
knowledge that Phillip Bishop will never attack children ever
again, is enough for me.
JENNA
You are humble as well as brave!

One of the children passes KIMBERLY a shiny talisman

JENNA
I think they want you to have it, as a symbol of their gratitude.
KIMBERLY
I couldn't possibly.

Pause.

KIMBERLY
Well, if you insist.

KIMBERLY takes the talisman.

KIMBERLY
Thank you.

The children bow their heads once more, and leave.

KIMBERLY turns to JENNA.

KIMBERLY
Does this mean you want me back?
JENNA
Oh, Kimberly, of course I want you back!

KIMBERLY smiles for a few seconds, but then looks defiant.

KIMBERLY
Well you can't have me.
JENNA
WHAT?
 KIMBERLY
You had no faith in me. You had to see my scare a cow to
death before you would believe in me. I don't want a lover like
that.
JENNA
But...
KIMBERLY
Please leave. I want to spend time with the one person who
stayed with me through thick and thin - my best friend, Nadine.