THE HAPPY CLUB

(large cast version)

A Comedy In One Act

©by Jimmy Brunelle
PLAYWRIGHT’S NOTE
The Happy Club is like a musical-comedy. Happy and The Happy Club make up
"raps" spontaneously, like characters in a musical do with songs (challenge the
players to create the beats and melodies). This play should be done larger than
life, and over the top. Get wacky. Feel free to share Happy’s lines with members of
The Happy Club. Do what works for your cast. The actor playing Mopey should
have fun with the "gollygoshes"-- improvise.

CHARACTERS
(all characters could be any age, gender, or grade)
Mopey
Happy
The Happy Club
(2 or more players)
SETTING
Any school on the planet earth.
STAGE REQUIREMENTS
Two tables,
a few chairs,
a knapsack,
some school books,
a newspaper,
facial tissue.
THE HAPPY CLUB
(large cast version)

by Jimmy Brunelle
(LIGHTS UP ON A FEW LONG TABLES. HAPPY AND THE HAPPY CLUB ARE
SITTING AT ONE TABLE, LAUGHING AND SMILING. ONE OF THEM IS THE
BEAT MASTER, WHO ALWAYS STARTS THE BEAT. MOPEY SITS ALONE AT
THE OTHER TABLE, SNEEZING, COUGHING, AND MOANING. HAPPY
NOTICES. SITS NEAR MOPEY)
HAPPY: What a beautiful day. The sun is glowing like a big, bright orange. The
sparrows are singing to my soul. And it just feels so good to be alive. (MOPEY,
ANNOYED, SLAPS THE TABLE, AND GIVES HAPPY A NASTY LOOK) What's
wrong? Life's got you down, doesn't it?
MOPEY: Leave me alone. I have a big test.
HAPPY: Yup, you've got the four B's.
MOPEY: No, I don't--what's the four B's?
HAPPY: BIG, BUMMED-out BUG in your BRAIN.
MOPEY: No, I don't have one of those--yet. Now, let me study. (SNEEZES)
HAPPY: You have a cold, I see.
MOPEY: Look, Mr. Bucket said no talking.
HAPPY: Mr. Bucket went to the bathroom, and you know him, when he goes to the
bathroom, he never comes back. (TURNS TO THE HAPPY CLUB. THEY NOD IN
AGREEMENT) So, tell us why you're unhappy.
MOPEY: I'm not unhappy. I just have a cold--at least I hope that's all it is. So if you
don't mind, I'd like to get back to--
HAPPY: (TO THE HAPPY CLUB) Hey, don't you think this somber soul is just a
little unhappy? (PAUSE) Well? (THE BEAT MASTER STANDS, AND CLAPS
HANDS IN RHYTHM. THE HAPPY CLUB JOINS IN. THEY TALK IN RHYTHM--
LIKE A RAP)
HAPPY CLUB: Mr. Bucket is out of the room
time to pull out your happy broom
And sweep all those dark blues away
'cuz, baby, you're sad almost everyday.
HAPPY: We all agree that you are unhappy.
MOPEY: I'm happy and good grades make me happier. Now leave me alone.
HAPPY: We can't. Everyone has to be happy. All the time. In fact we're a club—
The Happy Club--and it is our mission to make the world a happy place. Right,
Happy Club? I said right, Happy Club? (AGAIN, THE BEAT MASTER WILL
STRIKE UP A BEAT AND GET EVERYONE STARTED. THEY CLAP IN BEAT)
HAPPY CLUB: When you're frowning and your soul is drowning
and you can't taste the French in your fry
don't be a frump, just take a jump
and fly right up to the sky
so come on baby get happy
get happy with The Happy Club
get happy with The Happy Club
Happy--Happy-Club
HAPPY: Do the Happy Dance! (ONE OF THE HAPPY CLUB MEMBERS WALKS
DOWNSTAGE PRETENDING TO BE SAD. THE OTHERS CONTINUE TO CLAP.
THEY DANCE A CIRCLE AROUND THE SAD ONE. THEY CLOSE IN. THEN
OPEN UP. THE SAD ONE JUMPS OUT OF THE GROUP HAPPIER THAN
EVER. THE DANCE ENDS. THEY SIT.)
HAPPY: Now, how about a big smile? Come on. You can do it.
MOPEY: No.
HAPPY: Come on, let that glorious, infinite sun that's in your heart shine right
through your teeth, making them into little lamps that shoot beams of light that say
"welcome to my world! Can I get you something to drink?" I think it's time for you to
experience your own personal Happy Dance. Oh, yes it's time. Happy Club! (THE
BEAT STARTS UP. THEY GET MOPEY TO STAND. THEY DO THE HAPPY
DANCE AROUND HER. AFTER THEY FINISH, MOPEY IS SITTING ON THE
FLOOR LOOKING MORE MISERABLE THAN BEFORE)
MOPEY: Well, that didn't work. (GETS UP. SITS IN CHAIR)
HAPPY: A smile would really make you feel better. Right, Happy Club?
HAPPY CLUB: Right! (THE HAPPY CLUB SMILES WITH OUTSTRETCHED
ARMS)
HAPPY: Join us. Join The Happy Club.
MOPEY: No. I just want to study. So, please--
HAPPY: We're not gonna give up on you.
MOPEY: Look, I'll tell you this once, and only once--don't mess with me.
HAPPY: We're not messing with you. We're helping you. There's a reservoir of
gladness inside you. We just need to pipe into it.
MOPEY: I'm going to win, you know.
HAPPY: Of course you're gonna win. There's a winner inside of everyone.
MOPEY: No, I don't think you understand. I'm going to WIN.
HAPPY: Was that a smile?
MOPEY: No. My face hurts.
HAPPY: Your face doesn't hurt.
MOPEY: It always hurts. I have some kind of facial muscular disease.
HAPPY: Well, you can still smile on the inside.
MOPEY: I can't. My stomach always hurts, too.
HAPPY: No one's stomach always hurts.
MOPEY: Mine hurts every second of every moment of every day.
HAPPY: Well, that's curable. (TO HAPPY CLUB) Isn't it my friends?
HAPPY CLUB: (THEY STAND) YES!
HAPPY: And what's gonna cure it?
HAPPY CLUB: LOVE!
HAPPY: And what do we do with love?
HAPPY CLUB: GIVE IT!
HAPPY: That's all you need--a little love.
MOPEY: (SCREAMS) Oh my gosh. Oh my golly. oh, goshgollygosh!
HAPPY: Are you okay?
MOPEY: My legs are numb.
HAPPY: Well, they're probably just asleep. Happens to me all the time in these
awful chairs.
MOPEY: I just knew my legs would give out one day. Too many books in my
backpack.
HAPPY: Look, you just need to get up and walk around. Come on.
MOPEY: I can't.
HAPPY: You can. (HELPS MOPEY UP. MOPEY DOESN'T MAKE IT EASY)
That's it. Good. Now, just walk a little.
MOPEY: No, I can't feel my legs. I can't.
HAPPY: Just try. Please. (LETS MOPEY GO. MOPEY FALLS LIMPLY. PICKS
MOPEY UP. MOPEY FALLS) Come on. You can do it. Just put one foot in front of
the other. Right, Happy Club?
HAPPY CLUB: When your legs give out
and your head's full of doubt
that you'll ever walk this way.
(THEY WALK THE SAME FUNNY WAY ACROSS THE STAGE IN RHYTHM)
just call out our name
and we'll light your flame
we've come to save the day!
(HAPPY AND THE HAPPY CLUB CHEER AND SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT.
MOPEY LOOKS VERY UNHAPPY. MOPEY TRIES TO STAND AS THE
CHEERING GETS LOUDER. MOPEY FALLS)
HAPPY CLUB: (DISAPPOINTED) Awwwwwww.
HAPPY: Happy Club, we'll have no more of that. Let's make this lost, tired, and
beaten soul stand with our positive energy. (THEY SHOUT AND CHEER AGAIN.
MOPEY TRIES TO STAND BUT FALLS AGAIN)
HAPPY CLUB: Awwwwwwww.
HAPPY: Come on, everyone--positive energy. Positive. POSITIVE! (THEY SHOUT
AND CHEER AGAIN. MOPEY TRIES TO STAND BUT FALLS AGAIN)
MOPEY: Oh my gosh. Oh my golly. OH, GOSHGOLLYGOSH GOLLY GOSH--
GOSH!
HAPPY: What?
MOPEY: I can't open my eye. It's frozen.
HAPPY: Your eye isn't frozen. Just open it.
MOPEY: No, it freezes sometimes. One time, I couldn't open it for three days.
OWWWWW! (HOLDS LOWER RIGHT ABDOMEN. HER EYE REMAINS
CLOSED)
HAPPY: What? What?
MOPEY: It's my appendix. I think it's going burst.
HAPPY: It's just happy bubbles. And what do happy bubbles do?
HAPPY CLUB: Pop!
HAPPY: And when do they pop?
HAPPY CLUB: In private!
HAPPY: It's time for the healing ceremony! (THEY PICK UP MOPEY. THEY LAY
MOPEY ON THE TABLE. THEY PROP MOPEY'S HEAD UP ON SOME BOOKS.
MOPEY FACES THE AUDIENCE. THE EYE REMAINS FROZEN. THE HAPPY
CLUB MOVES UPSTAGE OF MOPEY) Let's focus love energy through our hands
and cure this unhappy person! (THEY DO A LITTLE DANCE. STOP. THEY PUT
THEIR ARMS STRAIGHT OUT, AND POINT THEIR FINGERS STRAIGHT AT
MOPEY. THEY CLOSE THEIR EYES, AND CONCENTRATE IN AN
EXAGGERATED MANNER, AS IF ENERGY WAS FLOWING THROUGH THEIR
ARMS, AND INTO MOPEY.)
MOPEY: Doesn't matter if you cure me. It'll just be something else tomorrow. (THE
HAPPY CLUB DRAW THEIR ARMS IN, AND THRUST THEM HARD TOWARDS
MOPEY AS IF TO THROW EVEN MORE ENERGY. MOPEY'S EYE IS STILL
CLOSED) And even if I happen to live until I'm sixteen, all I'll be doing then is
working at McDonald's. (THE HAPPY CLUB THRUSTS AGAIN) And I have the
kind of skin that mosquitoes just love and they'll probably give me at least six
diseases before I'm sixty. (SLAPS BACK OF NECK) I just knew they'd finally get
me at school. (THE HAPPY CLUB DOES THE THRUST AGAIN, BUT THIS TIME
IT'S OVER AND OVER LIKE THEY ARE LOSING THE BATTLE) And all that
doesn't even matter anyway, because the sun is going to blow up- -it's going to go
supernova. We'll all be fried like little happy eggs in a big happy pan. It won't matter
if there's French in your fry. It won't matter that there are billions of mosquitoes--at
this very moment--dreaming of your tasty blood. They'll all get cooked right along
with everything else. (HAPPY OPENS EYES)
HAPPY: What do you mean the sun's gonna blow up?
MOPEY: I read it in the newspaper. The article said that the sun will someday just
go BOOM! And they don't know when it's going to happen. (THE HAPPY CLUB
OPENS THEIR EYES AND LOWER THEIR ARMS. THEY ARE OBVIOUSLY
WORRIED ABOUT THE SUN EXPLODING)
HAPPY: That's not gonna happen. No way.
HAPPY CLUB: No way.
HAPPY AND HAPPY CLUB: NO WAY!
MOPEY: It's going to happen. Look at the newspaper in my knapsack. Ouch,
whenever I think of my knapsack, my back hurts. (HAPPY GETS NEWSPAPER.
READS THE ARTICLE QUICKLY)
MOPEY: Owwwwww. The pain is traveling up my spine. It's moving up to my neck.
Owwwwww.
HAPPY: It can't be true.
MOPEY: Oh, it's true. Ka-BOOM! No earth, no people, no Happy Club.
Owwwwww! Now, it's in my head. My brain is growing beyond the limits of my skull.
HAPPY: Happy Club, I'm really glummed out about this sun thing. I need the
Happy Dance.(THE HAPPY CLUB JUST STANDS THERE LOOKING VERY
SAD) Come on, please, I need the Happy Dance. (THEY JUST STAND THERE) I
need the Happy Dance. (THEY JUST STAND THERE) Now. Now. NOWWW!
(THEY DO THE HAPPY DANCE, BUT WITH NO ENTHUSIASM. THEY CLOSE
IN ON HAPPY WHO EMERGES COMPLETELY BUMMED)
MOPEY: Oh my gosh. Oh my golly. OH, GOSHGOLLYGOSH GOLLY GOSH--
GOSHGOLLY! My teeth are hurting. I should have flossed more. Now, I have
gingivitis. They're just going to yank all my teeth, and give me smelly, old dentures.
I'm going to have to soak them every night in a glass of water. I'll never get
married. I'll be all gums! (HAPPY AND THE HAPPY CLUB BEGIN TO MOVE TO
EXIT SLOWLY AND SADLY) Where are you going?
HAPPY: We're going on a happy retreat. We need renewal. Right, Happy Club?
(THE HAPPY CLUB CLAPS SLOWLY. HAPPY JOINS IN. THEY MOVE TO
EXIT)
HAPPY AND HAPPY CLUB: (LIKE A CHANT) We be blue--we be ever so blue--
we be unbelievably, indescribably blue. We be blue--we be ever so blue--we be
unbelievably, indescribably blue. We be blue--we be ever so blue--we be
unbelievably, indescribably blue. (REPEAT AND EXIT)
MOPEY: (SITS AND BEGINS TO STUDY. LOOKS UP. SPEAKS TO AUDIENCE)
I win.
(LIGHTS DOWN. END PLAY)