Understanding Sexuality (Grow Resources)

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SESSION 1

Understanding Sexuality: How We Are Designed

Introduction

It all began in the Garden. God created man and woman. They were similar in essence but
different in identity. Each understood and appreciated the unique roles they had been given
(Genesis 1:27-30; 2:1825). However, they woman were no longer able to live out chose to rebel
against God and sin came into the world. He blamed her and she blamed the snake. Both man
and their God-given identities (Genesis 3:16-19).

Misconceptions of Sexual Identity

Today there are many misconceptions and confusion over sexual identity. We seem to be unsure
of what true manhood and womanhood is, if there is one at all. Some of these misconceptions
are:

Chauvinism

The common misconception is that God created men as superior to rule over women. The cultural
bias is that women are meant for the kitchen. She is the “door-mat” always serving the needs of
men. Ancient Greek culture viewed women as “half-animal” therefore unworthy of education and
respect. During Jesus’ time, women were placed in the same “rank” as dogs and Samaritans.
Truth is Eve was created to be a helpmate rather than a slave to Adam. She was to be honored
and respected and to co-rule over creation with him.

Feminism

In retaliation to chauvinism, feminists push the ideology that women are as good as if not better
than men.

The balance is that women should have equal values, rights and roles. Men and women are both
created in God’s image; but with differing roles (e.g. Ephesians 5:22-28).

Men and women are fundamentally the same

“Many years ago, all men lived on Mars and all women lived on Venus. Once they got together,
they respected and enjoyed their differences – until one day when everybody woke up completely
forgetting that they had once come from different planets. And ever since, men mistakenly expect
women to think and communicate and react the way men do; and women likewise do the same.
These unrealistic expectations cause frustration.”

(Adapted from Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus by John Gray)

Gender Stereotypes

For centuries, societies held that men should be strong and women should be tender. In the
present metrosexual culture, men are discovering their softer side, and even display ‘womanly’
sensitivity. Should men and women cultivate and display cross-gender traits? Truth is both
genders should have godly characteristics. Jesus is the best example – He was undoubtedly
gentle and sensitive, yet at the same time charismatic as a masculine type of man.
Sexual Differences in Gender

God made us equal but different. We are meant to complement each other. Boys and girls, men
and women are “wired” sexually in different ways:

Man Woman
Crave physical intimacy Crave emotional intimacy
Physical-centered / body-centred Relational-centered
Give love to get sex Give sex to get love
Body can disconnect from mind, heart, and soul Body, mind, heart, and soul intricately connected
Stimulate by what he sees Stimulate by what she hears
Sexual initiator Sexual responder
Pursuer and finds the pursuit stimulating Pursued and finds being pursued stimulating
Recurrent physical needs cycle Recurrent emotional needs cycle

However, since the Fall, men and women struggle with sexual integrity – but in different ways.
While a man’s battle begins with what captures his eyes, a woman’s battle begins with her heart
and thoughts. A man must guard his eyes to maintain sexual integrity. A woman has to guard not
only her body, but also her mind and emotions. Women are driven by emotional needs whilst men
need physical satisfaction. When women give in to sexual intimacy, they are giving their all; whilst
men could enjoy the act of sex without committing his heart or bonding spiritually with the object
of his physical desire.

Lust blurs and blends true masculinity and femininity. Man’s desires becomes “capturing”,
“hunting” and “using”; and woman resort to “seducing”, and “manipulating”. Man and woman are
tempted by lust in two unique ways.

Man is being tempted by the pleasure. It is:

• Desiring for sensual and physical pleasure

• Depicting women as just a sexual object (incl. pornography activity)
• Fantasying their own physical pleasure (through masturbation)

Woman is tempted by the power lust promise. It is:

• Craving for passionate attention and emotional intimacy

• Dressing or behaving sensually to arouse and control the other party (‘committing’
pornography)
• Fantasying about a relationship with a man

For an example, a couple is traveling on the road and they pass by an advertisement of a woman
in lingerie. What do you think would be going on in the head of the man and woman? Very likely,
the man is tempted toward sexual pleasure. He may be sexually stimulated and wondering what it
would be like to “sleep with the woman.” The woman passenger, on the other hand, may be
jealous of the billboard woman. She desires to be the sexy woman so that she would appear
attractive to man as she knows that is what man wants.

Knowing how man and woman are tempted help us to help ourselves and each other. Below are
some examples of what we can do to protect ourselves and our brothers and sisters in Christ:
For man:

• Avoid saying or doing things that stir emotional longings

• Avoid indiscriminate touch
• Avoid pursuing or initiating advances (seek counsel if there is genuine interest)
• Serve as brothers
• Extend genuine friendship

For woman:

• Be aware of how your body can entice

• Dress and behave modestly
• Avoid over-reading gestures of kindness and brotherly love
• Serve as sisters
• Extend genuine friendship

Is it possible for a man and woman to be just friends without being romantic, i.e. in a platonic
relationship? This would be discussed in chapter 6.

The Three Great Lies of Sex

Singapore is adopting western values on sex and becoming more and more open towards sexual
expressions. We have begun to follow three lies about sex that are prevalent in liberal societies.
First, pleasure and fun are the highest goals of sex. Second, passion is sustained by variety. And
third, sexual freedom means doing what I want when I want. Our culture is developing an
insatiable sexual appetite - insatiable because of the law of diminishing returns. Paul warns of this
dilemma of losing “all sensitivity (and giving)… over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of
impurity, with a continual lust for more" (Ephesians 4:19). How do these three lies about sex feed
this "continual lust for more"?

Pleasure - If it's true that pleasure and fun are the highest goals of sex, then the purpose of sex is
to achieve orgasm. This faulty logic explains why many couples seek to end their sexual
encounters in intercourse. However, such frequent pleasures will lead to craving for greater fun as
boredom sets in. Each level of sexual excitement will be replaced by something else that also will
run its course and prove boring in the end. Such pursuit of pleasure will never end.

Passion – It is a lie that passion is created and sustained by sexual frequency and variety.
Passion is actually conceived and enhanced through commitment, serving each other, and
seeking the welfare of your spouse. Couples may try various ways to create excitement, but it
does nothing to create or deepen a couple's passion. True passion is built not on the continual
pursuit of more variety, but on the enjoyment of all the little pleasures that sharpen the
anticipation of being together.

Freedom - Sexual freedom is not sex without limits and boundaries. Many who hold to the wrong
notion of sexual freedom is actually serving personal needs and desires; it is a one-sided affair. It
does not explore the discovery of sexual freedom within marriage where both partners enjoy sex
within the boundaries of respecting one another's needs and preferences. True sexual freedom
serves each other, and do not exploit.

“Pleasure, variety, passion, and fun are not the goals of sex, but by-products of a mature, caring,
god-honoring love life. The true goal of sex is a sacred, mysterious oneness. Fulfilling sex can
only be an outgrowth of the genuine freedom that comes as another gift from a loving God.”
(New Life Ministries: The Three Great Lies of Sex)
The Nature of Sexuality

We live in a sex charged society. Sex can be found everywhere with little effort – advertisements,
television programs, magazines, internet, books, movies etc. Of all the age groups, teenagers are
especially vulnerable to this. Much of the media is focused at them. They are at the age where
values are being developed; and also where their bodies are developing physically and hormones
are sexually active and raging. Their curiosity is heightened by messages from popular culture
and from their peers. Four out of every ten Singaporeans have had unprotected sex without
knowing their partner’s sexual history. HIV infections are rising. U.S. surveys reveal that about
68% of teenagers have sex before they leave High School (Secondary School). Two-thirds of all
people who acquire a STD (Sexually Transmitted Diseases) are under the age of 25. 80% of
teens who have STD are unaware that they are infected. In a 2001 survey conducted by the
National Campaign to Prevent Teen Pregnancy in U.S., they found that the teens are listening to:
37% parents, 30% friends, 11% religious beliefs, 11% media; and 11% miscellaneous influences.
Assuming that American parents give biblical instructions, a teenager only gives half of their
attention to positive influences (church and family) in his life. In Singapore, the growing interest in
sex has also seen rise in sexual promiscuity. However, adults and married couples are not spared
from this strong drive of the brain and senses. As Christians, we must be on the offensive and
safeguard ourselves from Satan’s snare and our fleshy desires.

What is sexuality? Sexuality is more than a mere outward behaviour; it is a heartfelt yearning for
connection with another. Unlike what many Christians would think, sexuality is a God-inspired
desire within each of us to venture beyond ourselves and merge with another being. Sexuality
involves longing and desire. The body longs for human touch. Research has shown that babies
who are not touched and cared for, especially in their first year, often suffer from withdrawal
symptoms or other relational problems later on in life. The soul desires a companion in times of
loneliness. Mother Theresa said “loneliness and the feeling of being uncared for and unwanted
are the greatest poverty”. God has created us for intimacy. After creating Adam, God created Eve
as a gift to each other. He demonstrated the limitations of self and graced them with a yearning
for something greater in union with the other.

Sexuality Is A Good Gift From God

Genesis 2:24-25
For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will
become one flesh. The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.

God gave us our drives and desires, including sexual drives so that we would drive and strive
toward something. Just as He gave us appetite for food so that we will not forget to feed our
bodies, God gave man and woman sexual desires to be joined together and procreate (Genesis
2:24-25). Sex was part of God’s plan for us to continue our existence. Sex was designed for
pleasure within marriage. Our sexuality and our sex drive are intertwined and tied together with
our creativity and with our innate desire to continue life. Being a sexual being with sexual desires
is part of what it means to be created in God’s image. Proverbs 5:15-20 give us a beautiful picture
and reminder of the pleasures of sex within marriage.

Proverbs 5:15-20

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs
overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone,
never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife
of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever
be captivated by her love. Why be captivated, my son, by an adulteress? Why embrace the
bosom of another man’s wife?
However, since the Fall, we respond to the urges and desires of sexual drive carnally. It has
become lust (Matthew 5:27-29; 15:19; James 1:13-15). To lust is to want what you don’t have and
were not meant to have. It goes beyond attraction, an appreciation of beauty, or even a healthy
desire for sex. It wants to go outside God’s guidelines to satisfy the desires of the flesh. John
Piper defined lust as “a sexual desire minus honour and holiness.”

The below illustrates the difference between God-given sexual drive and man’s lust:

Sexual drive Lust

Attraction Crave and covet for what is forbidden
Undress the person with your eyes/imagining what it would
Appreciate physical beauty
be like to “have” the person
Entertain and dwell on how to satisfy desire (out of
Strong desire for sex
marriage)
Exercise no restraint or patience to without from sex before
Look forward to consummation in marriage
marriage
Sexually stirred without conscious decision to
Proceed on to fornicate, be promiscuous
do so

Experience sexual temptation Give in to temptation

The 3 responses to sexual drives are:

• “God created me with such sexual drives that I can’t help but engage in sinful thoughts
and actions”
• “I am ashamed and condemn myself for not being able to control my sex drive”
• “God gives me sexual drives and also power to exercise restraint. I do not ask God to
remove the desire, but ask Him for help to please Him with my thoughts and actions”

When a person lusts, he/she does not only sin against the other person, but also God. David
acknowledged that he sinned God when he violated Bathsheba (Psalms 51:4)

In the struggle with lust, men is often more aggressive. God made men to initiate and pursue
women, thus their expressions of lust seem more obvious and visible. For women, though the
struggle is also in the physical dimension, the emotional level is often greater. However lust is
lust, irregardless which is more blatant.

In The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis tells an allegorical story about the ghost of a man being afflicted
with lust. Lust has incarnated in the form of a red lizard that sits on his shoulder and whispers in
his ear all the time. The angel offers to destroy the lizard. However, the man is torn between
desiring the lust and wanting it to die. He is afraid that if “lust” is killed, he would not be able to
live. He kept on making excuses. Finally in a spur of courage, he agreed. The angel killed the
lizard, and it suddenly transformed into a beautiful stallion. Weeping with joy, the man mounted
the horse and soared into the heavens. He was set free to enjoy something greater and more
rewarding.

The Bible’s Position on Sexuality

The Bible speaks for sex within heterosexual marriage, marriage between man and woman, and
proper responses to sexual temptations. Unhealthy sexual attitudes and expressions are sin.
Biblical prohibitions are meant to protect something precious, and not deny something pleasant.
Consider the following passages:
Romans 13:12-14

The night is nearly over; the day is almost here. So let us put aside the deeds of darkness and put
on the armor of light. Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness,
not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe
yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the
sinful nature.

1 Corinthians 6:18

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins
sexually sins against his own body.

1 Corinthians 7:2

But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her
own husband.

1 Peter 2:11-12

Dear friends, I urge you, as aliens and strangers in the world, to abstain from sinful desires, which
war against your soul. Live such good lives among the pagans that, though they accuse you of
doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us.

Sin and lust disables and handicaps our ability to obey God.

Mark 4:19

but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and
choke the word, making it unfruitful.

Sin also depersonalizes people.

1 Thessalonians 4:3-7

It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality; that each of
you should learn to control his own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate
lust like the heathen, who do not know God; and that in this matter no one should wrong his
brother or take advantage of him. The Lord will punish men for all such sins, as we have already
told you and warned you. For God did not all us to be impure, but to live a holy life.

Remember that Christ died for our sins. He suffered on the Cross for our purity:

Titus 2:11-13

For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. 12It teaches us to say “No” to
ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in this
present age, 13while we wait for the blessed hope—the glorious appearing of our great God and
Savior, Jesus Christ, 14who gave himself for us to redeem us from all wickedness and to purify for
himself a people that are his very own, eager to do what is good.
1 Peter 1:18-19

For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed
from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, 19but with the precious
blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect.

1 Peter 2:24

He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, so that we might die to sins and live for
righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed

The Bible also laid out what biblical manhood and womanhood is. God created man to lead.
This does not mean that man does not need to learn submission or that woman cannot mentor
others. Each quality is present in both genders. But this does not revoke God’s perfect plan for
man and woman to reflect the characteristic of God in different light.

Conclusion

God wants us to embrace our sexuality. We are not fighting against our sexuality but we’re
fighting for it. He made us to be holy. In holiness we will find the best and ultimately the deepest
expression of sexuality.
SESSION 2
Unhealthy Sexual Expressions: Satisfying Sexual Desires in Sinful Ways

Introduction

Chapters 2, 3 and 4 touch on sexual integrity gone wrong to the extent of sexual addiction.

It is important to know the types of sinful sexual expressions, how they can become addiction and
how to seek help.

This chapter covers three of the most common forms of sexual sins: pre-marital sex, adultery and
cybersex.

Pre-marital Sex

We live in a world of temptations. The world entices our hearts, minds, and every other sense, seducing
us to gratify our bodily cravings. Have you ever wanted to do or have something that you knew you
should not do or have? It is like handing a bar of chocolates to a person who loves chocolates but is
allergic to them. The person knows that chocolate has little nutritional value, has high calories and would
cause severe itchiness, but does he care? Often or not, he may tell himself “it is okay, it is only a piece,
I can bear the itch; and I really LOVE chocolates”. Engaging in sex before marriage is like this person
who gives in to desires which are destructive (James 1:13-15).

What’s wrong with pre-marital sex?

1. It is sin

In Galatians 5:19, Paul calls “sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery” as “acts of the sinful nature”.
These are sexual activity outside of or prior, to heterosexual marriage. Confined to heterosexual
marriage, sex is holy and pure. Outside of marriage, sex is sinful.

2. It is unlike any other sin

The Bible describes sexual intercourse a union of not only body but also spirit (1 Corinthians 6:16-17).
When it happens outside marriage, it is similar to someone who “unites himself with a prostitute” (1
Corinthians 6:16). Some may justify that as long as it is short of intercourse, it is alright. However, the
Bible prohibits not only the act of sexual immorality, but even the intent and image of it (Matthew 5:28).

3. Deprives future spouse

Hebrews 13:4
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer
and all the sexually immoral.

This text could not be clearer on God’s command for all singles to be sexually pure. To engage in
premarital sex is to deprive the future spouse of virginity that is rightfully theirs. Some may argue that
since they are going to get married, it is okay to “go over the line”. However, there are consequences –
guilt, lack of trust, and even continuing promiscuity can result. Also there is the likelihood the couple will
break up instead of getting married.

4. Consequences

Statistics and reports have shown the disastrous results of sexual promiscuity. Teenage pregnancy
and Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STD) have been on the rise. Some emotional consequences are:
• Loss of self respect
• Guilt
• Shame
• Searing of conscience
• Insecurity
• Craving for “love”

Teenagers are most susceptible to such sexual sins. For example, some teenage girls believe that the
way to keep their boyfriends is to give in to their request of sex. Some teenage girls, unfortunately are
raped when they refuse to do so. This happened to Tamar, David’s daughter and stepsister of Ammon
(2 Samuel 13:1-18). Ammon lusted after his stepsister and raped her.

Virginity versus Purity

Sexual integrity is not as much about virginity as it is about purity. It is similar to the difference between
dieting and living a healthy life. Virginity is like a diet, where certain food is abstained, portions are
limited. However, purity is like a healthy life that involves not only food consumption but total health. It
is about proper sleep, exercise, fun, and diet. Purity goes beyond marriage and embraces a lifestyle of
Godly living.

Matthew 5:8

Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.

The difference between virginity and purity is:

Virginity Purity
- Avoiding - Pursuing (2 Peter 1:5-8)
- Ends at marriage - Lasts for life (2 Timothy 4:7-8)
- Only involves the act of sex - Includes all of my life (Mark 12:30)
- Me - God with me (Hebrews 4:15-16)

The physical act of sex is the bringing together of two physical, spiritual, emotional, and sexual beings.
An incredibly beautiful and permanent bond is formed. And it can only fully be experienced between
two people under the marriage vow. Every other attempt is a cheap imitation and will come back empty
handed and unfulfilling every time. There is no exception to the rule here. Sex is for marriage, but purity
is for everybody.

Hebrews 12:14

Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy, without holiness no one will see
the Lord.

Adultery

God has specifically forbidden adultery – in the Ten Commandments (Exodus 20:14) and from the
New Testament era (1 Corinthians 7:2). Adultery is cheating, stealing, and betraying. It is the violation
of the sacred mental, emotional and sexual bond with one’s spouse. It is also violation of marriage
vows and covenant. Adultery threatens social and domestic happiness and stability.

Just like singles, married couples are to pursue purity. This is expressed in keeping sexual relations
within the marriage, and enhancing the marriage in godly ways.

Cybersex

With the advent of technology and multimodality on the internet, there are many different ways of
accessing and experiencing Internet sex. One can easily gain access to online sexual content,
whether text, images, video, and audio materials, with a simple click of the mouse.
The term “cybersex” refers to the various sex-related behaviour when using the computer. Each can
cause problems and lead the user into risky and dangerous situations.

They fall into three general categories:

1. Accessing Online Pornographic Audio, Video and Text Stories

Pornographic materials are readily available on the Internet, in the forms of audio and/or video
materials, text stories and photos or even cartoons. They range from photographs of scantily clad
models in lingerie or swimming suits, to young children being sexually abused. One can easily
download or view pornographic pictures, video, audio, and text on personal and commercial
webpages. They can also be exchanged via e-mail, discussion and newsgroups, phones, chat
rooms and forums.

2. Real Time with a Fantasy Partner

This form of cyber-sex takes place in what is known as “real time”. A user can enter a chat room
and engage in sexual conversations online. Video and voice images and files can be transferred
and exchanged online during a live conversation, allowing the users to engage in sexual activities
in a “virtual” world. One can watch live transmissions of online sexually explicit video feeds, and
some websites even accept requests from users for specific sexual behaviors. For a relatively
small fee, one can also link to X-rated video feeds without interaction or with some software and
cameras, watch others engage in sexual activities while they watch you do the same.

3. Erotic Multimedia Software

This category of cyber-sex does not take place online at all. It refers to the playing of sex-related
games, watching X-rated movies and reading erotica magazines that are available on a computer
via multimedia software such as CD-ROMs, DVDs etc.

Indicators of Problematic Behaviour

Three symptoms that indicate problematic behavior are as follows:

1. Compulsivity

In our daily lives, we follow many routines. We get up at a certain time everyday, brush our teeth
in a particular way; put the same arm into a shirt first when getting dressed and so on… We
repeat many behaviors to the point that they become habits.

Compulsive behaviour is very different from daily routines or habits. It is the loss of ability to
choose freely whether to stop or continue a behavior. It is out-of-control behavior marked by
deeply entrenched rituals and obsessions. Often tagging along are overwhelming feelings of
frustration, guilt, powerlessness and hopelessness.

Jerry had long fantasised about going to a strip club, but he never did so as he was worried
about being recognized. One day at home, he discovered a link on the net that offered live
video feeds from a strip club twenty-four hours a day!

The first time, he stayed online a couple of hours… until he heard his wife and kids coming
down the hallway and opening the door. Forced to quickly disconnect, he was already
thinking about opportunities to go back to “the club”.

The next evening, though he was tired after work and dinner, he made an excuse about
needing to complete a report for work and headed for his desktop where he logged on to
 “the club” again. Glued to the screen, he watched till he could no longer stay awake. The
next day at work, his mind wandered to the online strip club again and he decided to “just
visit” the club for a few minutes during lunch time.

Soon he found himself staying up late almost every night, and “visiting” the club more and
more often at work. Even when he set some rules to control the amount of time he spent
online, the rules were broken in two days time. He then rationalized, “What difference does it
make when nobody knows?” And the frequency and length of his visits to the online strip
club increased.

2. Continuation Despite Consequences

All behaviors have consequences. If you brush and floss regularly, you are likely to have healthier
teeth and gums. Conversely, if you neglect your teeth, you are more likely to have toothache and
incur costly dental bills. Most of the time, we are able to look at the way we behave and change to
reduce negative consequences.

It becomes a problem when we choose to go on with the behaviour despite knowing that it brings
negative consequences.

One afternoon, while deeply engrossed in a new online strip club he had discovered, Jerry
was caught by his wife. He apologized profusely and promised to stop such behavior in the
future. He no longer dared to visit the online strip club at home anymore. Instead, he turned
to spending more time in the office visiting sexually explicit sites. Even when the company
warned its employees that Internet usage was monitored and anyone visiting porn sites
would be fired immediately, Jerry continued his online sexual activities.

3. Obsession

Obsession is the state where one becomes so exclusively focused on a particular behaviour (in
this case, sex) that he or she neglects other aspects of his or her life and disregards the
consequences of that behaviour. It occupies your mind and zaps your mental energy. You are
obsessed with something when you can’t stop thinking about it.

By this time, Jerry basically lived in one of three states of mind: planning when and how he
could next visit an online strip club, being online, and coming down of a visit. In one way or
other, online strip clubs were always on his mind. He even became very creative in finding
additional opportunities for cybersex, such as deceiving his wife into trying new wine so she
would sleep earlier and more soundly at night, and he could go online ‘safely’.

Ten Criteria of Problematic Online Behaviour

It is not easy to determine if a particular online sexual behaviour is actually problematic. Below
are ten criteria we can use to evaluate online behaviour. Pay attention to those that seem to
apply to your life.

1. Preoccupation with sex on the Internet (i.e. You can’t stop thinking about it.)
2. Frequently engaging in sex on the Internet more often or for longer periods of time than intended
3. Repeated unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back on, or stop engaging in sex on the Internet.
4. Restlessness or irritability when attempting to limit or stop engaging in sex on the Internet
5. Using sex on the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or relieving feelings such as
helplessness, guilt, anxiety or depression
6. Returning to sex to the Internet day after day in search of a more intense or higher-risk sexual
experience
7. Lying to family members, therapists, or others to conceal involvement with sex on the Internet
8. Committing illegal sexual acts online (for example, sending or downloading child pornography or
soliciting illegal sex acts online)
9. Jeopardising or losing a significant relationship, job, or educational or career opportunity because
of online sexual behaviour
10. Incurring significant financial consequences as a result of engaging in online sexual behaviour

If you can identify with three or more of the above criteria, your online activities are likely
problematic. You should not ignore the problem, the early you identify it and seek to change it,
the easier it is to overcome the problem.

Conclusion

Proverbs 20:9
Who can say, “I have kept my heart pure; I am clean and without sin”?

This lesson helps you to gain an understanding of the “traps” of certain sexual perversions. Do not be
like the spider in the cartoon below who was tempted by the piece of food, but inadvertently got itself
stuck. The piece of food can be pornography, promiscuous relationships, and any unhealthy sexual
expressions. Should we give in to temptation each time it happens, the addiction grows stronger and
stronger. Eventually, many addicts only turn for external help (in this case, Garfield) when crisis
happen. The ways to sexual wholeness is covered in the next chapter.
APPENDIX A

Battle for Sexual Purity

This test is for FEMALES only. Be honest and answer yes or no to the following questions:

1) Is having a man in your life or finding a husband something that dominates your thoughts?
2) If you have a man in your life, do you compare him to other men (physically, mentally, emotionally,
or spiritually)?
3) (for marrieds) Do you often think of what your life will be like after your husband is dead,
wondering who the “next man” in your life could be?
4) Do you have sexual secrets that you don’t want anyone else to know about?
5) Do you feel like a nobody if you don’t have a love interest in your live? Does a romantic
relationship give you a sense of identity?
6) Do you seem to attract bad or dysfunctional relationships with men?
7) Do men accuse you of being manipulative or controlling?
8) Do you feel secretly exited or powerful when you sense that a man finds you attractive?
9) (for marrieds) Do you have a difficult time responding to your husband’s sexual advances
because you feel he should meet your needs first?
10) Is remaining emotionally or physically faithful to one person a challenge for you?
11) Do you often choose your attire in the morning based on the men you will encounter that day?
12) Do you find yourself flirting or using sexual innuendos (even if you do not intend to) when
conversing with someone you find attractive?
13) (for marrieds) Do you resent the fact that your husband wants sex more often than you do, or wish
that he would just masturbate so that you would not have to perform sexually?
14) Do you have to masturbate when you get sexually aroused?
15) Do you read romance novels because they arouse you sexually?
16) Have you ever used premarital extramarital relationships to “medicate “your emotional pain?
17) (for marrieds) Is there any area of your sexuality that (1) is not known by your husband, (2) is not
approved of by your husband, or (3) does not involve your husband?
18) (for marrieds) Do you spend more time or energy ministering to the needs of others through
church or social activities than to your husband’s sexual needs?
19) Do you use pornography either alone or with a partner?
20) (for marrieds) Do you fantasise about being intimate with someone other than your husband?
21) Do you have a problem making and maintaining close female friends?
22) Do you converse with strangers in internet chat rooms?
23) Have you ever been unable to concentrate on work, school, or the affairs of your household
because of thoughts or feelings you are having about someone else?
24) Do you think the word “victim” describes you?
25) (for marrieds) Do you avoid sex in your marriage because of the spiritual guilt or dirty feelings you
experience afterward?

There is no number that determines your sexual or emotional integrity. However, if doing this survey
awakened you to the fact that your romantic behaviour, erotic thoughts, sexual activity or emotional
attachments are hindering your walk with God; or if you are married, your marriage, then you need to
take heed and get help.

(Every Woman’s Battle, p. 15-17)

APPENDIX B

Battle for Sexual Purity

This test is for MALES only. Be honest and answer yes or no to the following questions:

1. Do you lock on when an attractive woman comes near you?

2. Do you masturbate to images of other women?
3. (for marrieds) Have you found your wife to be less sexually satisfying?
4. (for marrieds) Are you holding a grudge against your wife – a grudge that gives you a sense of
entitlement?
5. Do you seek out sexually arousing articles or photo spreads in newspapers or magazines?
6. (for marrieds) Do you have a private place or secret compartment that you kept hidden from your
wife?
7. (for marrieds) Do you have behaviours that you can’t share with your wife?
8. Do you watch R-rated movies, sexy videos, or the steamy VH1 channel for gratification?

If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, you’re lurking at the door of sexual addiction. You’re
inside that door if you can answer yes to the following questions:

1. Do you watch pay-per-view sexually explicit TV channels at home or on the road?

2. Do you purchase pornography on the Internet?
3. Do you rent adult movies?
4. Do you watch nude dancing?
5. Do you call for phone sex?
6. Do you practice voyeurism?

If you said yes to the last six questions, you very well could be sexually addicted. When Titus 2:3
admonishes against being ‘addicted to much wine,’ the Greek word used for ‘addicted’ means to be
brought into bondage, much like a slave. If you think you’re a slave to your sexual passions, then you
need to get help for your addiction.

(Every Man’s Battle, p. 26-27)

APPENDIX C

Internet Sex Screening Test

Read each statement carefully and answer honestly. If it is true or mostly true for you, mark the blank with
a T. If it is false or mostly false, mark the blank with an F. After answering all twenty-five questions, add up
your score.

Introductory Questions:
I used the internet (for all purposes) for _____ months/years
I spend ____ hours online per week
I spend ____ hours online for internet sex per week

True/False:
___ 1. I have some sexual sites bookmarked.
___ 2. I spend more than five hours per week using my computer for sexual pursuits.
___ 3. I have joined sexual sites to gain access to online sexual material.
___ 4. I have purchased sexual products online.
___ 5. I have searched for sexual material through an Internet search tool.
___ 6. I have spent more money for online sexual material than I planned.
___ 7. Internet sex has sometimes interfered with certain aspects of my life.
___ 8. I have participated in sexual related chats.
___ 9. I have a sexualised user name or nickname that I use on Internet.
___ 10. I have masturbated while on the Internet.
___ 11. I have accessed sexual sites from other computers besides my own.
___ 12. No one knows I use my computer for sexual purposes.
___ 13. I have tried to hide what is on my computer or monitor so others cannot see it.
___ 14. I have stayed up after midnight to access sexual material online.
___ 15. I use the Internet to experiment with aspects of sexuality such as bondage, homosexuality, and
anal sex.
___ 16. I have my own Web site that contains sexually explicit material.
___ 17. I have made promises to myself to stop using the Internet for sexual purposes.
___ 18. I sometimes use cyber-sex as a reward for accomplishing something like finishing a project or
enduring a stressful day.
___ 19. When I am unable to access sexual information online, I feel anxious, angry, or disappointed.
___ 20. I have increased the risks I take online (for example, giving out my real name and phone number
or meeting people offline).
___ 21. I have punished myself when I use the Internet for sexual purposes. For example, I’ve arranged a
time-out from the computer or cancelled Internet subscriptions.
___ 22. I have met face-to-face with someone I met online for romantic purposes.
___ 23. I use sexual humor and innuendo with others while online.
___ 24. I have run across illegal sexual material while on the Internet.
___ 25. I believe I am an Internet sex addict.

Total number of statements marked “true”: ____

Total number of statements marked “false”: ____

Give yourself one point for each statement that you marked “true”. Based on 935 people who have
previously taken this test, it is found that if a score is nineteen or above, it is very likely that the person
have a problem with online sex-related activities.

(Patrick Carnes, The Internet Sex Screening Test)

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Sexual Addiction Screening Test 1

Please mark True or False.

___ 1. I have had severe consequences because of sexual behavior

___ 2. I have struggled with depression and it appears related to sexual acting out
___ 3. I have struggled with depression and it appears related to sexual aversion
___ 4. I have a history of sexual abuse
___ 5. I have a history of physical abuse
___ 6. I have a history of emotional abuse
___7. I see my sexual life in self-medicating terms (intoxicating, tension-relief, pain-relief, sleeping pills)
___8. I have persistently pursued high risk or self-destructive behavior
___9. I find high risk or self-destructive behavior is more arousing to me than safe sexual behavior __10. I
have other co-addictions
__11. I simultaneously use sexual behavior together with other addictions so as to achieve desired effect
of sexual activity and other addiction
__12. I have a history of deception around sexual behavior
__13. Other members of my family are addicts
__14. I often feel extremely self-loathing because of sexual behavior
__15. I have few intimate relationships that are not sexual
__16. I am in crisis now because of sexual matters
__17. I have a history of crisis around sexual matters
__18. I experience diminished pleasure now from the same sexual experiences
__19. I come from a “rigid” family
__20. I come from a “disengaged” family

These collateral indicators are often used to confirm the presence of sex addiction. They are usually part
of the profile of a sex addict. Sex addicts typically have six of the above.

Sexual Addiction Screening Test II

Please mark True or False.

___ 1. I repeatedly fail to resist impulses to engage in a type of sexual activity

___ 2. I engage in those behaviors to a greater extent/over a longer period than I intended
___ 3. I have made persistent efforts to reduce, control or even quit a type of sexual activity but failed
___ 4. I spend a great time in obtaining sex, being sexual, or recovering from sexual experience
___ 5. I am preoccupied with the behavior or the preparatory activities
___ 6. I engage in the behavior more frequently when I am expected to fulfill occupational, academic,
domestic, or social obligations
___7. I have continued my sexual behavior despite having a persistent or recurrent social, financial,
psychological or physical problem
___8. I need to increase the intensity, frequency, number or risk of behaviors to achieve the desired effect,
or diminished effect with continued behaviors at the same level of intensity, frequency, number or
risk
___9. I have given/giving up or limiting social, occupational, or recreational activities because of the
behavior
__10. I feel distressed, anxious, restless or irritable if I am unable to engage in the behavior

Research shows that if at least three of these criteria are met, addiction is persistent.

17
SESSION 3
Sexual Addiction:
Understanding the Traps and Footholds of Sinful Sexual Behavior

Foundational Understanding

God has created us that we will only be satisfied with one thing: Himself. There is a vacuum only God can
fill. Since the Fall, we tried to fill this with many other things. We thought it’s actually a thirst for love,
power, approval, acceptance, relationship, security, and the list goes on. Solomon declares that “what a
man desires is unfailing love …” (Proverbs 19:22). Only when we develop our relationship with God and
serve Him, will we discover this unconditional love. We will learn who He is, who we are, why we exist and
how to be well-developed people. Either we find fulfillment in Him, or we become enslaved to other
pursuits – be it work, relationship, drugs, activities, sex or whatever else. Just like the woman at the well
discovered that her thirst can only be met by the living water, Jesus; it is also the same for us.

Reflection:
 What are the common forms of sexual addiction in our society (use the “levels of addiction” below)?
How does it differ between teenagers, adults and married people?
 What do you think causes one to be addicted to sex?

Sexual Addiction – A False Thirst that Goes On and On

Dr Patrick Carnes defines sexual addiction “as any sexually-related, compulsive behavior which interferes
with normal living and causes severe stress on family, friends, loved ones, and one's work environment”
(Sexual Addiction Q &A).

Over time and increased involvement, any habit can become compulsive and dependent in nature; and
thus become an addiction. On the extreme, sexual addicts are so dominated by sex that it becomes top
priority above anyone or anything in the world – be it family, friends, and work. Sex becomes the
organizing principle of addicts' lives. They are willing to sacrifice what they cherish most in order to
preserve and continue their unhealthy behavior.

No single behaviour pattern defines sexual addiction. Sex addiction is defined by the reason for and the
effect of the behavior. It involves repetition for at least a two-year period of time.

The levels of addiction are:

• Level One:
• fantasy (imagining what it would be liked to engage in sexual activities)
• masturbation (stimulate own body to sexual arousal and taking pleasures from the
sensations)
• pornography
• prostitution
• premarital sex and
• affairs Level Two:
• voyeurism (visual arousal, e.g. watching others undress)
• exhibitionism (exposing one’s nakedness publicly)
• phone sex
• inappropriate touching
• bestiality (sexual relations with animals) and
• fetishes (using an object or a nonsexual part of the body to arouse sexual desires)
• Level Three:

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 • Rape
• Incest
• molesting and
• using authority to gain sexual access
Often, multiple addictions (alcohol, drugs etc.) are present in an addict’s life.

Sexual Addiction – A False Intimacy

You learn in the first lesson that God created Adam and Eve in His image. God intended for them to be
related in a communion and oneness that reflects the Trinitarian relationship – one in heart, yet separate
in essence and identity. They were to celebrate each other’s uniqueness. They were bonded together in
covenant and love. It was a real intimacy – relationally, emotionally, sexually and spiritually.

The loving relationship between man and woman is also meant to reflect Christ’s loving relationship with
the church (Ephesians 5:31-33). However, this type of relationship is getting rarer and rarer today. These
days, media distorts the understanding of real manhood, womanhood and marriage; and encourages
homosexuality, partner swapping, sex before marriage, adultery and many other forms of sexually
derogative behaviors. Pornographic material is increasingly made available. However, any type of sexual
relationship or behavior out of what God ordains can only provide a false type of intimacy.

Sexual addicts engage in sexually compulsive behaviors as a way of avoiding his unmet needs. Perhaps
in the past, there was lack of affirmation and love. Statistics show that sexual addicts often encountered
some form of abuse in the past. One U.S. report on sexual addicts reveals that 97% suffered some form
of emotional abuse, 83% were sexually abused and 71% had physical abuse.

The addiction is a search to fulfill that need. The addict often has low self esteem and feels that people do
not care or love him. Though the addict desires love, yet he fears intimacy. Therefore he contradicts
himself as he desperately desires something that he simultaneously fears.

Sexual Addiction – Impaired Thinking

Below is a graphic presentation of the self-talk of Regina. Recorded on each step is a behaviour, event, or
action that leads towards sexually compulsive behavior. Regina used the internet to talk to her husband’s
friends and neighbours. It soon developed into intriguing cybersex, and she traded nude pictures and
masturbated. She also had physical encounters with a few of them. She thought that her husband would
never find out as he was too busy at work. However, one day her husband discovered one of her affairs.
Regina’s self-talk:

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 E-mails

“Only staying
in touch” Flirtation

“Meet my needs
with low risk” Masturbation to
fantasies
“Not hurting
anyone-still
Phone contact
faithful”
“Relationship
only, not sexual” Seeing each other

“More risky but

still not sexual”
Acting Out

This chart is sometimes used by recovering sex addict to map out each potential scenario that could bring
about relapse.

Activity: Draw a chart for Steve (Ah Seng)

Steve started with pornographic videos and porno magazines, which he ordered from overseas. Then he
began to cruise to red-lantern areas. Eventually he went in to solicit sex. This developed to a weekly
basis. As he stayed alone, he sometimes paid for two or more prostitutes to his apartment. His work
suffered greatly. In one of his medical checkup, the doctor disclosed that he was diagnosed with HIV – a
serious sexually transmitted disease.

Reflection:

What were Regina’s and Ah Seng’s false beliefs and irrational thinking?

Sexual addiction begins with delusional thought processes that are rooted in the addict’s belief system.
The addict’s belief system contains certain core beliefs that are faulty or inaccurate, and consequently,
provides the momentum for the addiction. Generally, addicts have low self esteem and do not believe that
other people would love or care for their needs if the truth about them is known. They believe sex is their
most important need; it makes isolation bearable. This is their escape from reality. Thus the relationship is
with sex – and not people.

Out of these beliefs come distorted views of reality. Denial is prime. This is often expressed in burying the
problem, blaming others, minimising the problem, intellectualising, etc. Some of the arguments, excuses,
justifications, and circular reasoning that are instilled in addicts are:

• I can stop when I want to

• Cyber-sex is just electrons, it’s not real
• I am oversexed and have to meet my needs
• I’m only watching on the internet – I’m not harming anyone
• I couldn’t help it, she asked for it
• No one really cares
• Internet chat rooms don’t hurt anybody – it’s just a game

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 • I’m just arousing myself – the satisfaction is harmless
• People drove me to this habit
• I am basically a bad, unworthy person

Reality distortion starts within the family. Sex addicts usually come from families in which addiction is
already present. Even extended family members struggling with alcoholism, compulsive gambling, eating
problems, etc. can affect greatly. Some of these families also battle a combination of addictions. All
addictions are similar in that they rely on similar physical processes.

Sexual Addiction – Illusion of Control

Sexual addiction follows the same progressive nature of other addictions. Sex, like other “chemical(s) of
choice”, dominates the life of the addicts. To keep the real needs from surfacing, the addict feels that he
must control the objects of his lust. However, in reality he is enslaved and controlled by the sexual
practices. An addict wants to stop but could not. Over the course of his or her life, a pattern of out-
ofcontrol sexual behavior has developed. It is not just a physical battle, but also a spiritual one (Romans
7:15-19, 24; 1 Corinthians 6:12-20; 1 John 3:8-9).

Christians who are addicted often hold back physical involvement as they do not want to disobey the Bible
on sexual immorality. They may resort to fantasy (of sexual partners, certain scenario etc.) where the
illusion of control, affirmation, acceptance and safety is experienced. However, as the Bible points out,
fantasy is just like lust – it is sexual immorality (Matthew 5:27-28).

The sexual addicts feel tremendous guilt and shame about their out-of-control behavior, and they live in
constant fear of discovery. Yet addicts will often act out sexually in an attempt to block out the very pain of
their addiction. This is part of what drives the addictive cycle.

The Addictive Cycle

21
A trigger is a “catalytic event that breaks through to the addict’s pain and sets into motion the addictive
cycle” (Falling Forward, p. 29). It can be a woman passer-by with revealing clothes, certain sexual words
and stimulating advertisements. However, triggers are not just sexual stimuli. More often, they are some
unresolved pain that originates in early life experiences. Some of these are: rejection (for example in
marriage or dating relationships), stress (most insidious trigger in which refuge is sought), or
abandonment. A trigger may also take place when an addict encounters a situation (for e.g. family or
work) which mirrors an environment in the past, such as being fired from a job.

Stage One: Preoccupation or “Sexual Pressure”

Although particulars of each individual’s sexual addiction may differ, the activities of the cycle follow a
generalised pattern. The cycle starts when the trigger sets off the addict’s thoughts to focus on the
addictive sexual behavior. In this “sexual pressure” or preoccupation stage, mental obsession can be for
minutes or hours. The addict experiences a heightening of energy as a result of the release of adrenaline
in his body and also euphoric emotions associated with thoughts of going into sexual activity. This is the
point of temptation (James 1: 13-14).

Stage Two: Ritualisation or “Acting Out”

Addicts use rituals to enhance their mental preoccupation, excitement and euphoria. Rituals are regularly
followed methods of preparing for sexual activity to take place. Some examples of rituals are:
• The exhibitionist taking regular routes
• The cyber-sex addict clicking onto pornography sites
• The compulsive masturbator secretly frequenting seldom-used bathrooms on the college campus
to find erotic graffiti
• The sex addict picking up magazines with erotically dressed women

In addition to obvious rituals, negative rituals are often a part of the addict’s life. An example is being
reprimanded for missing a dateline, which brings on stress. Regular self-defeating behavior and negative
talk fuel this process. Once the addict has begun this ritual, it is difficult to control.

Stage Three: Sexual Compulsivity or “Sex Act”

The sex act (any of the behaviors listed earlier) is the breaking point in the sexual pressure that began the
cycle. The tension that the addict feels is reduced by acting on their sexual feelings. It does not have to be
completing the act itself – it can just involve even the hope or willingness to act out any of the sexual
behaviors. The addict feels better because of the release, but only for the moment. Once here, the
physical pressure release brings an end to the denial. It is the hard evidence that the scriptures and oral
standards have been violated and the mood suddenly changes.

Then despair, guilt, and shame surface. Despair is the sharp emotional pain that accompanies the addict’s
realisation that he had failed again. He feels remorseful and trapped; and powerless. He also feels guilty
for committing the sin. Guilt, despair and shame are the part of the cycle that had been eclipsed by the
addict’s distorted thinking and denial in the first part of the cycle. When he realises it, he decides he would
not do it again. But then he has acted out again. It becomes a roller-coaster ride of alternating euphoria
and misery.

Stage Four: The Resolution

Two choices; get help or sink back. The thought of getting help is frightening because, 1) he would have to
give up the addiction and 2) forced to admit he is out of control. Usually the fear of being known, the
shame of losing the image of the “good Christian”, the gossip, the disapproval that pervades may drive the
addict into non-disclosure and greater secrecy. He may make promises and vows to himself to abstain but
they are just oaths of self-sufficiency and another type of denial.

22
Despair keeps building with each addictive cycle. Self-hatred increases with each relapse. Such pain will
continue to multiply until the addict seeks external help. God does not give grace to find freedom by
ourselves, He is willing to let us stay miserable until we are ready to commit totally to the Body of Christ
and the One that can set us free.

Conclusion

Though we are bombarded by sexual indecencies, we need not succumb to the world or our flesh. It is
possible to pursue sexual purity and “not conform any longer to the pattern of the world” (Romans 12:2).
The steps to change and recovery are discussed in chapter 4.

23
SESSION 4
Pursuing Sexual Wholeness
Recovery and Gaining Freedom

Introduction

“Chastity … the most unnatural of all sexual perversions” Aldous Huxley (author of Brave New World,
1931)

People in our society tend to frown on sexual purity and chastity. However, as Christians our standard is
God’s Word. Sex-outside marriage or any form of sexual immorality is a sin:

Colossians 3:5-6

Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil
desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming.

This is the chapter with the answers. Many resources are available for sexual addicts who desire for
recovery. This chapter touches on help from the local church and The Twelve Step recovery programme.
It is not self-exhaustive and the bibliography at the end of this chapter offers many other resources. If you
are in the midst of helping someone, desire to help others in the future, or personally seeking recovery,
this chapter is for you.

Foundational Step – Wanting to Change

The first step in seeking help is to admit to the problem. Though marital, professional, and societal
consequences may follow, admission of the problems must come first, no matter the cost. Unfortunately,
fear of these consequences keeps many sexual addicts from seeking help.

The addict has to be honest with himself or herself - acknowledge that he or she has a problem and he or
she needs help. Because the addict is enslaved by the brain's software and false core beliefs, the best
hope for permanent change is to reshape the person's mental processes, culture and values. Ultimately,
the battle is fought in the heart and mind of the addict. Also, the addict has to learn to be oriented toward
the future rather than focused on immediate and short-term gratification.

Some of the main core beliefs that the addict experiences change:

Previous Core Beliefs New Core Beliefs

No one knows or will know; I operate in secrecy.
I can change behaviour by myself
I must isolate from others
I can always figure out or force a way to handle
problems
There are no secrets. I must make a full
disclosure (to secrecy appropriate parties first)
I am powerless to change without the help of God
and others
I must create support networks
Sometimes there are events that I can’t control

A double life is the only way to get my needs
met
No one is hurt by what I have done
Chaos is the norm in my life
I have not been hurt by what I have done
My needs can be met in more godly and
wholesome ways
I am accountable to others. Damage has rippled
through
the lives of people I know
I have a damage control plan designed by God
My behavior has disconnected me from myself

24
Sometimes sex addicts are so much in denial or delusion that they need to be intervened on by tough and
loving people. Sex addicts have to want to get well and be willing to give up their old behaviors before
anyone can help them (2 Samuel 12:1-9 and John 5:1-8).

The Process of Change – Steps to Sexual Purity

This process is not only meant only for someone who wants to come out from addiction; but for anyone
who is struggling with sexual purity.

Engage the battle

The process of change starts with abstaining from the destructive sexual behavior. In order to reverse
addiction, addicts should experience a period of total sexual abstinence with self and others for no less
than thirty days. If married this should be negotiated with the wife (1 Corinthians7:5). The Bible says “flee
from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18).

Be especially vigilant over your eyes, do not allow unhealthy stimulation.

Job 31:1 is a good verse to memorize:

I made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a girl.

Also, be vigilant and guard over your minds:

Romans 13:14

Rather, close yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of
the sinful nature.

Avoid things such as:

• Pornographic materials or descriptive love stories

• Dirty conversations
• Spending time alone with an opposite gender
• Spending excessive time alone
• Songs with explicit sexual lyrics
• Movies or television programs that portray the wrong view of sex

25
 • Porn websites and chat rooms

Turn to Christ

This process of sanctification is alike that of a Christian who is in bondage or struggling from sin. The
sexual addict turns to sex to avoid problems, escape pain and reality. Some do so because of lack of love
or affirmation and also in search of intimacy. Whatever the reasons, the Christian sex addict needs to turn
to Christ and surrender himself to Him.
He has to learn to practice the presence of God and spends regularly time with Him. However it is difficult
without external support.

Surround yourself with wise counselors

He also needs to open his life to trusted Christian friends and join a church community. Most sexual
addicts were abused (emotionally, sexually or physically) and some have been abandoned or deprived of
physical touch, love, nurture, and affirmation. In addition, addictive sex is done in isolation and is devoid of
relationship. It is secretive and devoid of intimacy. Thus, trusting people, sharing with others, and joining a
church community can be very difficult; but it is necessary for recovery. Loneliness is the major emotion
that drives sexual addiction; fellowship with other Christians is the antidote - it is equal to freedom from
lust.

Hebrews 3:12-13

See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But
encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s
deceitfulness.

If the person is in our church, he would need to be followed up or shepherded by a wise and mature
member. The person would hold the addict accountable over his life on a regular (at least weekly) basis.
An addict, in accountability will learn to prepare in times of strength for times of weakness. The shepherd
can draw up an accountability contract so as to encourage the addict to NOT to do the things his flesh
wants to do. It works only if he is honest continually. Healing can takes place within the church.

It is also helpful for the sexual addict to seek external help, such as counseling or join The Twelve Step
program. The latter is discussed later.

Speak honestly

The sexual addict learns to live in the truth again. It is a spiritual battle and he needs God to help him fight
the battle over his mind and thoughts (2 Corinthians 10:5; Philippians 4:8-9).

Practicing the presence of God

As a Christian, the sexual addict needs to learn again how to spend each day with an awareness of God
in and around him. Previously, the person was insensitive to God and communion was broken. Lust and
sin have weakened the capacity of enjoying God (1 Peter 2:11). How can it be restored?

First, the sexual addict builds up the discipline of intentionally setting his mind on the reality that God is
always with him. Gradually, the intellectual knowledge becomes the heart-level knowledge of one who has
spent much time with His Friend. Practising the presence of God is an invitation to draw God into every
situation, every location, and every fallen desire that we find ourselves experiencing.

In his book, Practicing His Presence, Frank Laubach writes:

“It is so simple that a child could practice it. This simple practice requires only a gentle pressure of the will,
not more than a person can exert easily. It grows easier as the habit becomes fixed. Yet, it transforms life
into heaven”.

26
The sexual addict learns again to develop the spiritual disciplines of prayer, meditation, quiet time,
solitude and fasting. The addict learns to develop a prayer life, starting from a few minutes a day. As he
does so, his thoughts and behavior change. It will be very difficult to watch a pornographic video in the
presence of God! Meditation breaks up the fallow ground of a person’s heart (Psalms 1:1-4). As he allows
God’s Word to saturate him, his faith will grow. “The word of God is living and active…(and) nothing in all
creation is hidden from God’s sight …” (Hebrews 4:12-13). God’s presence becomes more desirable than
man’s pleasures:

Psalms 4:7

You have filled my heart with greater joy than when their grain and new wine abound.

Psalms 16:11

You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal
pleasures at your right hand.

Psalms 84:11

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he
withhold from those whose walk is blameless.

Some other some Scriptures for memory: Psalms 119:11 and Philippians 4:8-9

Second, the sexual addict is reminded that God sent the Holy Spirit into the world to change our hearts.
He empowers us to walk a godly life (Ephesians 3:16; Galatians 5:16). It is through the Holy Spirit that we
experience the love of God and His presence in our lives (Romans 5:5). The addict learns of the Father’s
love and incorporates His word and power in his life. Also, through the power of the Holy Spirit, the
recovering addict prays for God’s deliverance (Matthew 6:13; Psalms 119:18). Willpower to break the
habit will not work; only the power of the cross and work of the Holy Spirit can break the grip of sin.

Third, be aware that recovery takes time. Though there may be a dramatic change and release from old
habits, the sexual addict needs to avoid assuming that he is strong – “so if you think you are standing firm,
be careful that you don’t fall!” (1 Corinthians 10:12). He continually needs empowerment, strength and
grace from God. Be encouraged that God is patient (Exodus 34:6-7); He will not rush us or speed us
through the recovery. Rather, He wants us to learn from the process of sanctification.

Personal Action:

APPENDIX B (Ten Steps to Overcoming Pornography Addiction) is an additional resource you can use.

The Addictive Cycle (with Choices)

Look at the Addictive Cycle below. It is similar to the one in Chapter 2, except that the sexual addict NOW
makes a choice instead of giving in to the addiction. He can: run away, call someone, seek God’s
presence or fight the temptation with own strength. Proverbs 27:12 states “The prudent sees danger and
take refuge, but the simple keep going and suffer for it.” According to the Scriptures, we are responsible
for our choices and must choose to avoid people, places and things that would lure us into greater evil.
The recovering sexual addict needs to identify his triggers and makes the right decision when he is
tempted.

27
Men and women often have a very different way that they must fight for sexual integrity in their own life.
Although women can struggle with sexual addiction, their battlefield is more often in remaining emotionally
pure.
In a U.S. survey, eighty percent of Christian men state that they have to battle for sexual purity. Nineteen
percent claim that this battle is horrific or overpowering. Men often have stronger sex drive than normal
and experiences intense warfare in their battle for sexual purity.

The Twelve Steps

Besides the church, many sources of help are available to provide information, support, and assistance for
sexual addicts trying to regain control of their lives. These include inpatient and outpatient treatment,
professional associations, self-help groups, support groups and aftercare support groups. Besides The
Twelve Steps, some of these groups are: SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous), SAA (Sex Addicts
Anonymous) and S-Anon. Treatment programs also offer family counseling programs, support groups,
and educational workshops for addicts and their families to help them understand the facets of belief and
family life that are part of the addiction. A list of referrals within Singapore is found at the end of this
chapter.

Unlike recovering alcoholics who must abstain from drinking for life, sexual addicts are led back into a
normal, healthy sex life much in the way those suffering from eating disorders must relearn healthy eating
patterns.

Recovery from sexual addiction is a lifelong journey. Sexual addicts achieve a state of recovery, but
maintaining that recovery can be a lifelong, day-by-day process. The Twelve Step treatment approach
teaches addicts to take their recovery "one day at a time". This program offers another avenue of healing,
confession, prayer, intimacy, trust, accountability and challenging questions.

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Managing the Physical Impact of Addiction

Addiction hurts the body. Some of the physical effects are sexually transmitted diseases, depression, and
withdrawal. Medical attention must be sought by the recovering addict. A hospital study found that there
are 15 withdrawal symptoms that addicts readily identify during the early weeks of recovery. These
reactions usually last for about 2 weeks, though some they may last as long as 10 weeks. Listed by
frequency of mention, they are:
• fatigue
• tenseness, nervousness
• insomnia
• headaches
• shakes
• high sexual arousal
• low sexual arousal
• body aches
• increased food appetite
• genital sensitivity
• itchy skin
• chills, sweats
• nausea
• rapid heartbeat
• shortness of breath

It is important for the addict not to neglect self-care. Besides spiritual health, the addict needs to build up
and maintain emotional and physical wellness.

Conclusion

I lift up my eyes to the hills – where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker
of heaven and earth. (Psalms 121:1). The psalmist was declaring that his deliverance from his enemies
and trouble could be found in the Lord; and this is still as true for all who are seeking help from the clutch
of addiction. God was and still in the business of setting people free; we only just need to go to Him and
allow Him to change us.

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APPENDIX A

Consequences Inventory

Consequences are signposts to reality. This is a helpful honest assessment of consequences that will
dramatically improve an addict’s recovery.

Emotional Consequences
- Thoughts or feelings about committing suicide
- Attempted suicide
- Homicidal thoughts or feelings
- Feelings of hopelessness and despair
- Failed efforts to control your sexual behaviours
- Feeling like you had two different lives – one public and one secret
- Depression, paranoia, or fear of going insane
- Loss of touch with reality
- Loss of self-esteem
- Loss of life goals
- Acting against your own values and beliefs
- Strong feelings of guilt and shame
- Strong feelings of isolation and loneliness
- Strong fears about the future - Emotional exhaustion
- Other emotional consequences:

Physical Consequences
- Continuation of addictive behaviour despite the risk to health
- Extreme weight loss or gain
- Physical problems (ulcers, high blood pressure, etc)
- Physical injury or abuse by others
- Involvement in potentially abusive or dangerous situations
- Vehicle accidents (automobile, motorcycle, bicycle)
- Injury to yourself from sexual behaviour
- Sleep disturbances (not enough sleep, too much sleep)
- Physical exhaustion
- Other physical consequences related to your sexual behaviour such as venereal disease,
HIV/AIDS, bleeding, etc.

Spiritual Consequences
- Feelings of spiritual emptiness
- Feeling disconnected from yourself and the world
- Feeling abandoned by God or your Higher Power
- Anger at your Higher Power or God
- Loss of faith in anything spiritual - Other spiritual consequences

Consequences Related to Family

- Risking the loss of partner or spouse
- Loss of partner or spouse
- Increase in marital or relationship problems
- Jeopardising the well-being of your family - Loss of family’s or partner’s respect
- Increase in problems with your children
- Estrangement from your family of origin
- Other family or partnership consequences

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Career and Educational Consequences
- Decrease in productivity in work
- Demotion in work
- Loss of co-workers’ respect
- Loss of the opportunity to work in the career of your choice
- Failing grades in school
- Loss of educational opportunities
- Loss of business
- Forced to change careers
- Not working to your level of capability
- Termination of job
- Other career or educational consequences

Other Consequences
- Loss of important friendships
- Loss of interest in hobbies or activities
- Few or no friends who don’t participate in or condone your sexual behaviour -
Financial problems
- Illegal activities (arrests or near-arrests)
- Court or legal involvement
- Lawsuits
- Prison or workhouse
- Stealing or embezzling to support behaviour - Other consequences

(Facing the Shadow, p. 14-15)

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APPENDIX B

Ten Steps to Overcoming Pornography Addiction

Steve Arterburn

1. First, you must acknowledge the addiction exists.

Many who are caught in the trap of addiction will adamantly deny the problem. He who conceals his
transgressions will not prosper, but he who confesses and forsakes them will find compassion. - Proverbs
28:13
2. You must recognise that what you are doing is wrong.
Addicts find a way to justify their problem in their mind. For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and
the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is not from the Father, but is from the world. - I John 2:16
3. You must not blame others
"If my wife/husband were just more affectionate." ... "If women/men were not so seductive." Adam blamed
Eve and she blamed the serpent. Instead, you must begin to take responsibility for your actions.
4. Make yourself accountable to a spiritual authority, perhaps a pastor or mature believer.
Everybody needs a "safe" person to share their struggles with. Therefore, confess your sins to one
another and pray for one another, so that you may be healed. The effective prayer of a righteous man can
accomplish much. - James 5:16
5. You must recognise that "will power" is not the answer.
At a weak moment, your "will" may fail you. By admitting that you are in need of God's help, you open
access to His supernatural intervention in your life. You must yield your will to God's will. That's when He
can begin a new work in your life.
6. Study the Word of God concerning sexual purity.
Therefore putting aside all filthiness and all that remains of wickedness, in humility receive the Word
implanted, which is able to save your souls. - James 1:21
7. You must destroy any pornography in your possession.
You can't wean yourself off pornography. Think of the hidden pornography in your home as a ticking time
bomb that will ultimately destroy your family.
8. You must learn to flee temptation.
Self-deception may enter when you think you can play with fire without getting burned. Do not enter the
path of the wicked, and do not proceed in the way of evil men. Avoid it, do not pass by it. Turn away from
it and pass on. - Proverbs 4:14-15
9. Give yourself time to work through the process of recovery.
More often than not, God chooses to take us through a learning and growing process, that can be very
painful. Victory over addiction should be viewed as a marathon, not a sprint.
10. It's cliché, but you must approach your addiction one day at a time.
Look for little victories and rejoice in the progress you're making. Recovery is a cinch by the inch, but a
trial by the mile.

(New Life Ministries: 10 Steps to Overcoming Pornography Addiction)

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SESSION 5
The Truth About Love
Book summary on “The Truth About Love”

Introduction

One of the complexities of life is the aspect of falling-in-love and also out-of-love. Many have found
themselves in very real and personal situations where the cloud nine experience and very intense
emotions fizzle out with time. And we begin to doubt if we are really in love, and if we are in love, does
love really exist? Unfortunately many succumbed to these changes, and unknowingly resign to that notion
that being in love must always be a mountain top experience. We equate a loss of loving feeling as being
not in love.

Would you be interested to know if these “mountain top in love” and “valley experiences of out of love” are
valid, and if they are consistent throughout the human race? “The Truth About Love” by Patricia Love talks
about such highs, lows, and how you can make love last forever.

This chapter is written in a manner that extracts the key concepts and summarises the elements in this
book. Dr Love shares openly from her personal experience and also her search for the answers.

The stages in love that are outlined in the book challenges the reader to sufficiently explore all fronts of a
relationship and most importantly, to take time to gather information, and learns to ask. It provokes us to
challenge the Hollywood romance of happily ever after, and to learn to build into our relationships the
understanding of God’s design and purposes for our lives. The main focus will be excerpts on the
infatuation, falling-in-love stage; and post-rapture, falling-out-of-love state.

The Truth About Love

In much of the twentieth century, love and marriage were inexorably linked. When two people fell in love,
they got married and settled down. Matrimony was a rite of passage into adulthood and nearly everyone
took that route. Today that is not always the case.

One of the greatest challenges of our time is to marry and to stay married for a lifetime. The traditional
model of marriage has changed. A few decades ago, the model was quite simple. The woman was the
homemaker and the man earned the wages. The goal of marriage was to establish a home, have children,
and get ahead economically.

Our belief system, values and priorities are constantly in need of validation. We exhibit confirmation bias -
the tendency to pay more attention to information that is consistent with our beliefs. If you believe your
relationship is in trouble, you will be looking for signs to validate that position. Once the seed of doubt has
been planted, you may find yourself gathering evidence to support your case. When the majority of your
thoughts are negative, you do not feel like you are in love.

For example, many have been erroneously led to believe that happy and stable couples:
• never argue
• never feel lonely
• are not dependent on one another
• always agree
• never get angry
• think alike
• have all their needs met
• never get bored

In reality these statements are far from true. Misconceptions can lead to destructive conclusions.

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Reflection:

 What are some common misconceptions?

 What does it mean to fall in love, and fall out of love?
 Think of a list of “love stories” from our culture, and what they teach us about relationships.

Most do not have an accurate picture of what a true love looks like. Without examples of true love at close
hand, our models of love had to come from songs, books, friends, movies and television. Many are led to
believe that true love will be short, intense, forbidden and unrequited. To stay in love, you must die or
never live together e.g. Romeo and Juliet. Or it is an attraction that ends in marriage - all within 90 mins of
screen time.

Limited perceptions of love and marriage have led us to serious misconceptions, such as:

• infatuation equal love

• if it is not perfect, it was not meant to be
• once love dies, you can never get it back
• chemistry is all that matters
• there is one true soul mate for everyone
• love conquers all
• if a relationship is tough, it means you have the wrong partner
• you cannot rekindle passion
• if you are really in love, you would not be attracted to other people
• if you meet the right person, you will live happily ever after

These and other delusions have contributed to the inflated sense of discouragement many couples feel
when their relationship hits a normal and predictable challenge. They can also lead individuals to give up
perfectly good relationships, only to find that the same difficulties show up the next time around.

Another common misconception about love is that it is a static state: once you fall in love, you get on a
high and stay there forever. This is not true. The course of true love consists of a series of highs and lows.
We gain comfort that the peaks and valleys are common to millions around the world.

Love is not one-dimensional, or takes one form. Most people tend to equate love with the behaviours and
feelings common to the initial stage of infatuation; when, in reality, this is just the beginning of love.

The final misconception is that love is a feeling; and you either have it, or you do not. The fact is that love
grows in response to getting your needs met.

The First Stage of Love: Infatuation

A story about Falling in love

The first time Lauren laid eyes on Keith was in the gym. Here was a hunk with a towering frame and
chiselled face.
Determined not to be distracted, Lauren tried to focus on her exercise regime, but her eyes kept
wandering in his direction. One time he caught her looking at him and, embarrassed, she went on with her
workout and made sure she did not glance his way again. During the next few days, she was too busy to
visit the gym but found herself wondering if he was there. When she went back the following week, she
was pleased to see him and loved it when he made special notice of her.

They exchanged pleasantries and over the next few weeks, chatting became a regular part of their
workout regimen, and each time they spoke there was more energy between them. Lauren was very
attracted to Keith, and she spent a good deal of time fantasising that he felt the same. Finally one evening

34
he asked her to go out for coffee after their workout. During the course of their private conversation, she
began to think he did have feelings for her and felt delighted when he asked her out for the weekend. A
month and several dates later, Lauren’s feelings for Keith had grown enormously, and she decided to
share this information with her closest friends. When she told them, they were not surprised. In fact, they
had suspected it – first by her lack of time and attention to them, and second, by the way she could not
stop smiling at the mention of his name. Lauren admitted she had never felt happier and silently believed
she had met the man of her dreams.

Personal Question:
Do you remember a situation dominated by infatuation? What did you do and feel at this stage?

Think back to the last time you fell in love. You felt magnetised and full of luscious energy. Just the sight of
the person could zap your body with a thousand-watt current that transformed you from a reasonably
rational, functioning adult into a trembling puddle of pure yearning. Being together transforms the most
mundane activity such as grocery shopping into a deeply rewarding occasion.

What is Infatuation?

Infatuation is characterised by focused attention on a specific partner. When you are infatuated with
someone, only this person can give you those euphoric “in love” feelings. Infatuation begins with fondness
or comfort in each other’s presence. Later comes a flush or quickened heartbeat upon encounter, and
even anxiety in periods of separation. To comfort self, you might replay former encounters in your mind,
sleep with a shirt left behind or listen to an old message on your voice mail. You fantasise and long for
signs that your loved one feels the same as you. When the affection is confirmed, daily priorities get
reordered. The workaholic misses deadlines. The miser blows a pay check on an expensive gift. Sleep is
sacrificed for intimate encounters. Long phone conversations and emails abound. Both have a remarkable
ability to emphasise what is admirable in the other partner.

All these predictable behaviours that accompany the falling-in-love experience are brought on by naturally
orchestrated, drastic change in brain chemistry.

Michael Liebowitz, a research psychiatrist at the New York Psychiatric Institute, explains that when we
come in contact with a person who highly attracts us, our brain becomes saturated with a love cocktail
comprised of phenylethylamine (PEA) and other excitatory neurotransmitters, including dopamine and
norepinephrine. PEA known as the “love molecule”, works in concert with the neurotransmitters and
trigger incredible side effects. Symptoms include a delightfully positive attitude, increased energy,
decreased need for sleep, and loss of appetite. An increased concentration of dopamine is associated
with euphoria. Norepinephrine is generally associated with exhilaration, excessive energy and other
excitatory responses. PEA, dopamine and norepinephrine pack such a powerful chemical wallop that
people in infatuation stage experience a temporary personality change. This sense of euphoria only lasts
about six months and then it slowly begins to wane. By the second year, our body’s natural love potion is
kept alive by continuing loving behaviours. True love is not just a strong feeling. It is an ongoing decision
to act in a loving way.

Reflection:
What can be learned from the infatuation stage?

The Second Stage of Love : Post-rapture

When infatuation ends, true love begins. Leaving the euphoria of the infatuation stage is just one of the
many transitions you will experience. For some, this end of this stage creates the falling-out-of-love
feeling, and it could be as sudden as a major disagreement or quarrel. But for most the transition is
gradual.

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For example:
• for months your desires were identical, but lately you don’t always want the same things
• little habits that were endearing start to annoy you
• you have the feeling that your partner is moving away from you
• there is more silence between you, whereas before, conversation was effortless
• you feel a need for space and more private time
• you start to see things you previously overlooked e.g. he’s self-absorbed, she’s too neat and
meticulous

The nature of post-rapture is really that of the brain not being able to be revved-up continually. The levels
of PEA and other related neurotransmitters are beginning to drop. Once you have sufficiently discovered
one another and there are few surprises left, familiarity sets in. The euphoria exits to make room for
reality.

Reflection:
What are the lessons from the post-rapture stage?

Even though the infatuation is incredibly delightful, it does not provide an accurate image of what the two
of you are like in the real world. The encouragement is to begin to honestly look at the strengths and
weaknesses , and to work through the differences.

The reality is that love will have natural highs and lows, and what holds true is the basis of the
relationship. A purely physical or emotional attraction needs to be supported by a strong foundation of
commitment to the relationship.

Conclusion

We know now more about the true nature of love and satisfying relationships. We know that love does not
just last; we have to make it last, and it requires effort. Love goes through predictable cycles, and each
has unique characteristics and purpose. Learn to recognise the different stages of love, and to navigate
through these stages.

The bible tells us “…we love because, God first loved us” (1 John 4:9). Indeed as believers, we affirm a
God who loves us as we are. And as we experience this love, we become vessels and channels of love to
others around us. We become less focused on ourselves, and grow in our capacity to love and care for
others. We have the BEST example before us always.

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SESSION 6
Healthy Expressions
Developing Healthy Relationships with the Opposite Gender

Introduction

Friend deceives friend

And no one speaks the truth.
They have taught their tongues to
lie; They weary themselves with
sinning.
You live in the midst of deception.
(Jeremiah 9:5-6)

It all starts with perhaps a phone call, a text message (SMS), an invitation for a drink, or an activity on a
one-to-one friendship. It genuinely is an initiation of no romantic interests, just a sisterly and brotherly
relationship; purely platonic. It is developing a sturdy opposite gender friendship on the grounds of
common interests, personality traits, and same frequency; or as some would say, “You are able to clique
with him/her”. However, why is it that such friendship entails misunderstandings, disappointments and
hurts?

The dangers of a woman seeking one-to-one friendships with men are many. In the first place, she was
not created to be the initiator. In the second, all too often she is not being honest with herself about the
true motive. Is it merely friendship she seeks or something more? In the third place, many men are quite
contented to claim they are “just friends”; while they often take advantage of women in ways they would
not dream of doing with friends of their own sex.

When the man takes the initiative, his motives may be questioned. Does he just want a friendship, or is he
seeking some physical gratification? When he demonstrates kindness and warmth, women would often
respond positively. What if his pure intentions are misread?

Here is a story:
We started with no intentions of dating or anything of this nature. I was not even attracted to him
romantically, but we spent time together doing stuff like hiking, biking, etc. out of common interest. As
weeks passed, we started to get to know each other better as friends (brother and sister), and nothing
more. Then after some months, I became more attracted to him, even perhaps developed a romantic
attraction.

We began to spend more time together. We did not call it dating or courting, because we were not. We
just enjoyed each other’s company, but in the process, we spent a lot of time alone together. We found
ourselves sharing more of our deepest feelings, thoughts etc.. An emotional bond formed between us.
The irony of our relationship was that we were not even courting for marriage, and my attraction for him
did not lead to a desire of wanting to marry him.

I realise I have an acute need for close-intimate relationships. The time that we spent alone and our level
of emotional and communicative intimacy should be preserved only for marriage - where spirit, soul and
body could be shared. I decided we need to spend time apart. We never kissed or had any physical
intimacy, but in our hearts, we sinned. We had obligated ourselves without the marital commitment and
our relationship should be redirected.

It is not uncommonly to find the possibility of relationship brewing as we serve together in the church. We
have seen many couples unite together in this manner. Suppose an exciting relationship is developed
through serving together in the same care group. They have discovered that they are compatible
(spiritually, emotionally and mentally), have identical goals, and good times together. There is increasing
evidence that they are moving towards a courtship. But one day he said to her, “You are a nice sister.”

37
Next she saw him going out with another young woman and found out he had been spending lots of time
with her as well. She was shattered.

Building Healthy Christ-Centred Relationships

With all these stories, what are the biblical insights as to how single men and women are to relate to each
other in the Body of Christ?

The legalistic approach would be to hold romantic love so high that there can be no contact between the
sexes except for the one-on-one romantic relationship that leads to marriage. The worldly approach would
be exalting romance and sensuality. We are persuaded to relate to more than one member of the opposite
gender sexually as this is how experience and “right” partner are found.

Our circumstances of life call for our ability to relate to the opposite sex non-romantically; that is in our job,
church, school, family and daily life. A balanced perspective on relating to the “other side” is gained when
we learn to understand the opposite gender and benefit from their perspective.

However, the key ingredient of a biblical wholesome brother-sister relationship will be our pure motivation
and honest communication. We ask ourselves: “Is my intention pure and am I having the other person’s
best interests in mind?” “Am I honest with the opposite party, myself, my mentor and God?”

Is it possible for a man and woman to be friends without being romantic / platonic relationship? It depends
– on what each person is expecting and the willingness to grow and be stretched in that relationship. Both
parties need to be honest with themselves and each other. And they learn how to relate in ways that are
different from their own gender. For example, for a man, a woman friend allows him to express his
emotional side, shows his vulnerability, and reveals his tenderness; qualities which he usually would not
demonstrate to a male friend. He would not have the rough camaraderie with his female friend. For a
woman, she can express her reasoning, independence and tougher side with a male friend. What is
absent is the emotional reciprocity and intensity as commonly found in a female friend. Indeed, if men and
women would face honestly their real motives many a pitfall would be avoided.

The following are principles that we should consider in building healthy Christ-Centered
friendships:

1. Responsibility
Recognise that a relationship does not just happen by chance and we are accountable to God for how we
relate to others. Removing the hindrances and replacing them with things that will edify will cultivate a
healthy friendship.

2. Values
Submit our romantic ideals and beliefs to God so that they will not conflict with God’s desires for us. Let
godly values reign.

3. Expectations
Yield our expectations to God to avoid conflict with His will and others.

4. Pacing
Allow the relationship to grow from level to level slowly and solidly in God. It is dangerous to suggest or
create scenarios to hasten the relationship to another level.

5. Control
Monitor the emotional level of relationship by regulating the level of time, words, actions shared together.

6. Commitment
Treat the other person as a brother / sister in Christ with loyalty and respect.

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7. Sensitivity
Consider the needs, opinions and values of the other person. Put others above self.

St. Francis De Sales writes:

Holy Friendship has no looks but what are simple and modest, no caress but those that are pure and
sincere, no sighs but for heaven, no familiarities but those of the soul, no complaints but that God is not
loved, the infallible signs of purity.

Worldly friendship confuses the judgment; but holy and Godly friendship has a clear light and does not
seek to hide itself. Building true fulfilling friendship requires the individual to recklessly abandon oneself to
knowing Jesus as Lord; He began to fill the gaps in our hearts. In Christ we will find comfort, healing,
direction and purpose. As a single adult, this is the perfect moment to establish a radical relationship with
Jesus.

Stories were told previously of how individual seek various “friendships” to fulfill the gaps in their heart that
only lead to further disappointments and heartache. We are by no means advocating singleness. God
does will that most will eventually marry. Singleness does confer special advantage of grace for certain
individual but not to all (1 Corinthians 7:7). Marriage is given not because we deserve it but because God
sees that it is good for us (Genesis 2:18, 24, 1 Corinthians 7:1-6). However, it is important not to be
obsessed by the notion of marriage, but allow the Lord to work in the best way for us. As Solomon
charged in Song of Songs 8:4, “Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.” God’s answer is always
Yes, No or Wait.

Managing Loneliness

You may then ask: “But I feel lonely at times. I need to have someone whom I can share my feelings and
time with.” The common myth is that only singles experience loneliness. In reality, many are “married but
alone”. Paul Tillich, a theologian, writes “man and woman remain alone even in the most intimate union.
They cannot penetrate each other’s innermost center. And if this were not so they could not be helpers to
each other; they could not have human community.” The Bible promises that only God, and not your
spouse, can meet all your needs (Proverbs 3:5-6). Therefore, irregardless of our marital status, we
encounter loneliness when we are apart from God.

Feelings of loneliness often occur in the quietest of times, and it can be after a time of fulfilling ministry, as
it was for Elijah the prophet (1 Kings 18:20-19:15). Elijah had just demonstrated to king Ahab and the false
prophets that God was more powerful than their gods. It was a victory for the name of the Lord. But
thereafter his life was threatened by Jezebel and he had to run for his life. When he finally found a resting
place, he poured out his frustration to God. Israel had not repented, he was the only one that remained
faithful and now his life was in danger (1 Kings 19:10). Besides fear and disappointment, he was also
feeling lonely in the ministry (a rejected prophet). But God knew what He needed. God refreshed him with
his presence and promise. Does this sound familiar to you?

As the audience of this book is mostly singles, the following ways to manage loneliness is addressed to
them:
• Honestly tell God your desires and allow Him to purify your heart (desires) – Psalms 40:1-3;
Proverbs 3:5-6
• Put God and His Kingdom first in your life - Psalms 40:8; Matthew 6:33
• Turn your solitude into prayer - Psalms 25:1-10
• Practice true waiting - Psalms 37
• Grow in spiritual maturity (develop spiritual fatherhood and motherhood over those in the church
family) – Ephesians 4:24; 1 Thessalonians 2:11; 1 Corinthians 4:15)

What is “true waiting”? How do I do in this “waiting stuff”?

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True waiting on God is not “doing nothing”. Psalms 37 lists the elements of this hidden activity:
• Trust in the Lord and do good
• Dwell in the land (make your home, be at peace where God puts you)
• Delight in the Lord (make the Lord your only joy) and He will give you what your heart desires
• Commit your life to the Lord
• Trust in Him and He will act
• Be quiet before the Lord
• Wait patiently for Him, not worrying about others

(Adapted from Loneliness, p. 133)

Waiting patiently is almost impossible unless we also learn to find joy and contentment in the Lord. A
woman’s waiting, regarding the question of marriage, means leaving the whole thing in God’s hands. A
man’s waiting involves deciding whether he should plan for marriage or whether he is ready for the
commitment. During this “waiting” period, build yourself in godly characteristics - diligence, faith, virtue,
devotion, purity, security, contentment, conviction and patience.

Marriage is not an answer to loneliness. But having right attitudes and lifestyle are. Elisabeth Elliot said
that loneliness “can be a wilderness” or a “pathway to God”. Those who choose the first will often
experience frustration, sense of lost and unfulfillment. However, those who choose to experience it as a
process of sanctification will be satisfied.

Psalms 68:6
God makes a home for the lonely; He leads out the prisoners in prosperity, only the rebellious dwell in a
parched land.”

Brother and Sister before Husband and Wife

We want to end this book with reflections on Biblical manhood and womanhood. Below is a summary of
some of the thoughts on this important understanding throughout the chapters:

For man:
• Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating in your relationships with women
• Be a spiritual leader in your relationships with women
• Do little things in your relationships with women that communicate your care, respect, and desire
to protect
• Encourage women to embrace Godly femininity

For woman:
• Encourage and make room for men to practice servant leadership
• Be a sister to the men in your life
• Cultivate the attitude that motherhood is a noble and fulfilling calling
• Cultivate godliness and inward beauty in your life

Conclusion

God is the center of the universe

He created you for Himself
He did not create you to be trapped in sin and addiction
He created you to live out His purpose
If you’re a man, God created you a man for His glory
If you’re a woman, God made you a woman for His glory

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